- 5 hours ago
First broadcast 25th January 2016.
The siblings father Gregg has arranged a birthday party for himself at which he is going to make an important announcement.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
John Gordon Sinclair - Gregg
Sally Rogers - Beverley
Honor Kneafsey - Lily
Mark Quartley - Mr. Foley
Sophie Fletcher - Wife
Nick Holder - Mr. Yakamoto
Ceyda Ali - Lily's sleepover friend
The siblings father Gregg has arranged a birthday party for himself at which he is going to make an important announcement.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
John Gordon Sinclair - Gregg
Sally Rogers - Beverley
Honor Kneafsey - Lily
Mark Quartley - Mr. Foley
Sophie Fletcher - Wife
Nick Holder - Mr. Yakamoto
Ceyda Ali - Lily's sleepover friend
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01Come on, Anna. Hurry up.
00:04I don't want to be late for the party.
00:06Why the hell is Dad throwing himself a birthday party anyway?
00:08He never makes a big deal about birthdays.
00:10Uh, because they're awesome?
00:12He's been acting really weird lately.
00:14We went for lunch a few weeks ago, and he was way more chilled out than normal.
00:18He even smiled a couple of times.
00:19Wait, you and Dad had lunch?
00:21Whenever I ask to hang out with him, he's always just like,
00:23of course I don't want to play frisbee in the middle of the afternoon.
00:26But Dad's always have a special bond with their oldest kids.
00:28It's thanks to me that he knows he's got healthy sperm.
00:30Well, I think I will be jumping to the top of the favourite kid list
00:34when he gets a load of my present.
00:36It even plays a personalised message.
00:40Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have...
00:42Oh, fuck. Shit. Shit!
00:45I spilt some soup on it when I was recording the message,
00:48and I can't figure out how to delete it.
00:49I think my status as favourite kid is safe for now.
00:52Now, come on. Help me find some junk in here
00:54that I can pass off as a thoughtful gift.
01:11I'm not taking business calls.
01:13I'm trying to enjoy my fucking birthday.
01:15Hey, Dad.
01:16Hi. How are you, too?
01:18How's work?
01:18Good.
01:19I've managed to get around the internet filter at my office
01:21so I can watch clips with full frontal in them at my desk.
01:25And what about you, Dan?
01:26Are you still spending your days trying to...
01:28What was it? Invent a new egg?
01:30No, it was a new way of cooking eggs instead of frying or poaching.
01:35But after I got salmonella for the fourth time,
01:36I just sort of gave up.
01:38That's my boy.
01:39Hey, I've got your present.
01:42It's superglue.
01:43Yes, because you are the glue in our lives
01:46and you are super at it.
01:47That's great.
01:48I'll pop that right next to the AAA batteries you got me for my 50th.
01:52Don't worry, Dad.
01:53My present is a lot less shitty than Hannah's.
01:56It's a bespoke stuffed bear.
01:59Complete with a personalised...
02:01How many times do I have to say I am busy?
02:04Seriously, I am this close to getting the words
02:06leave me the fuck alone,
02:07embroidered in a pillow
02:08and coming down there and smothering you with it!
02:11See what I mean?
02:11I think he is definitely more chilled out than usual.
02:18Whoa!
02:20It's like two peaks worth of cocktail sauces here.
02:23Dad's really gone all out with this soiree.
02:25Yeah.
02:25Look how many of Dad's friends and family are here.
02:27He hates his friends and family.
02:29I don't like this.
02:31Something's up.
02:32God, you're really suspicious.
02:33Seriously, you look like a chimp
02:34that's just been given a snow globe.
02:37Excuse me, everyone.
02:39If we could have your attention, please.
02:40I don't want to break up the festivities,
02:42but there are a couple of people I'd like you to meet.
02:45Beverly.
02:46Lily.
02:47Now, Beverly and I met five months ago.
02:50I was on my way to Clacton to do some business,
02:53so as you can imagine,
02:54I was on the verge of self-harming.
02:57Fortunately, I was sat next to this angel
02:59and, well, three hours later, I was smitten.
03:03And last week, when I asked her to marry me...
03:07Whoa!
03:09She said yes.
03:12You bastard!
03:16Dan, why are you laughing?
03:18Did you hear what Dad just said?
03:19Yeah, he's getting married.
03:21Exactly.
03:21This is massive news,
03:22and he just casually springs it on us
03:23like he's saying he needs to go pee or something.
03:25I don't care.
03:25I'm happy for him.
03:27I hope my second wife is that hot.
03:34Dad, could I have a word?
03:36Ooh.
03:37Here we go.
03:39All right.
03:39Come on, let's hear it, Hannah.
03:41No, no, no.
03:42I just, um...
03:43I just want to say congratulations on your engagement.
03:45Really?
03:46I also wondered, uh,
03:48if you were planning on dropping any other bombshells today.
03:50Uh, you're moving to Burundi.
03:51You got me and Dan from an orphanage.
03:54This house is actually made of fucking naan bread.
03:56Okay, maybe a wee bit dramatic.
03:58Dad, who is this woman?
04:00How do we know she doesn't go looking for sad old men
04:02that she can marry and turn into a pair of gloves?
04:04And she's got a kid as well.
04:06Do you really want to get mixed up with some loose single mother?
04:08Well, firstly, Beverly's a human rights lawyer.
04:11And secondly,
04:12well, you do have a slightly annoying habit of ruining shit.
04:15God, I'm so offended.
04:17Basically, Beverly's the first good thing to happen to me
04:20since mad cow disease ended
04:21and I was able to eat red meat again.
04:23I didn't want anything or anyone harpooning it.
04:37Lily, right?
04:39I'm Dan.
04:40Greg's my dad.
04:42So I guess he's your dad now too?
04:44I guess so.
04:46Well, I just wanted to say
04:48that I am really excited
04:50about getting to do all the cool big bro stuff
04:53like giving advice,
04:55recommending music,
04:57hooking you up with the old...
05:01Also, I wanted to give you this.
05:04I got it from my dad,
05:05but I think you should have it.
05:08No problem.
05:11Happy birthday, Dad.
05:13I hope you...
05:13Fuck.
05:15Shit.
05:15Shit.
05:16Enjoy.
05:25Hi, Beverly.
05:26Hey, I'm Hannah.
05:29Greg's daughter.
05:30Oh, yes, hi.
05:31Nice to finally meet you.
05:33Listen, I don't know what my dad said about me to you,
05:35but I just wanted to say
05:36that I'm really happy for you guys.
05:38Thanks, Hannah.
05:39And sorry about all this secrecy,
05:41but your dad insisted.
05:43He can be pretty stubborn.
05:44Oh, yeah.
05:45He's just a dick sometimes.
05:49Look at us connecting like this.
05:51God, it's exhilarating, isn't it?
05:53Hey, what do you say
05:54we try and kick this bonding sesh into overdrive?
05:56I'm going to go grab us
05:57a plate of cocktail sausages
05:58and you are telling me everything.
06:02Daddy-o!
06:04Great news.
06:05You mean you plan to start yet?
06:06I could score us a group on to Euro Disney.
06:08Thanks, son,
06:09but we haven't even set a date yet.
06:10Really?
06:11Yeah, well,
06:12Beverly's got a fuckload of cases
06:13and I am swimming through a sewer of work shit.
06:17Tell you,
06:17running your own companies
06:18like being shafted with a dildo
06:20made of migraines.
06:21Oh, God,
06:22I'm not looking forward to that
06:23when I take over.
06:25What are you talking about?
06:27You know,
06:27when you die.
06:29Can I inherit the company?
06:30I mean,
06:31it is a family business.
06:32It's not a family business.
06:33It's my business.
06:35You are not taking over shit.
06:36But I assumed I'd get it eventually.
06:38You're the Queen.
06:39I'm Prince Charles.
06:40Hanging back,
06:41growing veg,
06:41waiting for you to pop it.
06:43Dan,
06:43do you even know what my company does?
06:45Yeah,
06:45you make phone boxes.
06:47I develop property.
06:49Really?
06:49Look, Dan,
06:50no offence,
06:51but I'm more likely
06:52to hand off my company
06:53to one of my boxing day dumps.
06:56Dad,
06:56that's not fair.
06:58Come on,
06:58I'm your son.
06:59Shouldn't I at least get a chance
07:00till I prove myself?
07:03All right,
07:04how about this?
07:05Come and work with me for a week
07:07and we'll see if my company's
07:08still standing at the end of that.
07:10Right,
07:10and then I get to run.
07:11Absolutely not,
07:12but maybe
07:14I can find a job for you somewhere.
07:15Sweet.
07:16You've got to take this seriously.
07:17I want you in the office
07:18first thing Monday.
07:19Sure thing.
07:22And just to check,
07:23there's absolutely no chance
07:24that the first thing
07:25means 12.31-ish,
07:26is there?
07:28So,
07:29right now,
07:29we're defending this Congolese drum band
07:31who have been jailed
07:32for their anti-government songs.
07:33I mean,
07:34the music's unlistenable.
07:35The message is so powerful.
07:37Wow.
07:38All the women
07:39my dad's gone out with,
07:40you are definitely
07:40the most impressive.
07:41I mean,
07:42his last girlfriend
07:42worked the night shift
07:43at a 24-hour tanning salon.
07:45Well,
07:45I love what I do,
07:46although it can be tough
07:47juggling things.
07:47Like,
07:48Lily's nanny's off next week.
07:49I still haven't found any cover
07:50and I've got a pile of paper.
07:51Yes, you have,
07:52because you're looking
07:52at your cover right now.
07:53Just call me
07:54the human tarpaulin.
07:55Really?
07:56I can't ask you to do that.
07:58Beverly,
07:58I insist.
07:59I mean,
07:59that's what family's for,
08:01right?
08:02You are a lifesaver.
08:04All right, Beverly.
08:06So you've met Hannah.
08:07She hasn't drawn blood yet,
08:08has she?
08:09No,
08:09we've been having
08:10a lovely chat, actually.
08:11She's offered to help
08:12look after Lily next week.
08:13Why?
08:15What are you up to, Hannah?
08:16Nothing.
08:17I'm just being
08:17the nice, generous person
08:18I always am.
08:20You know,
08:21the kind of person
08:21who doesn't ruin shit.
08:25Beverly,
08:27I know we just met,
08:28but is it cool
08:29if I start calling you mum?
08:31Hmm.
08:42So I'm late, Dad.
08:43I had to stop off
08:44and buy this briefcase.
08:46Well, you're here now.
08:48I guess that's a minor victory
08:49in itself.
08:50So!
08:52What's the deal?
08:53Are we sharing this office
08:55or am I going to get my own?
08:56Because I'm cool
08:57with sharing.
08:57You're not getting
08:58a fucking office.
09:00I thought I might
09:00send you out
09:01to the construction lads.
09:02What?
09:02I thought you were
09:03grooming me to take over.
09:04Dan,
09:05when I started this company
09:06I was the same age
09:07that you are now
09:07and I did it myself
09:09through hard graft
09:10and fistfuls
09:11of antidepressants.
09:13Now,
09:13the whole point of this week
09:14is for you to prove
09:15that you have an ounce
09:16of work ethic about you.
09:17Trust me,
09:18you can't just sit around
09:19and expect good things
09:20to be handed to you.
09:22Here's the hot cocoa
09:22you asked for.
09:38Hi, Hannah.
09:39Sorry I'm late.
09:40I don't want to have to
09:40make small talk
09:41with the other parents,
09:42you know.
09:43How was school?
09:44It was good.
09:45She's bringing me snacks.
09:46My nanny normally
09:47brings a bag of carrot sticks.
09:48Carrot sticks?
09:48That's not a snack.
09:49You're an eight-year-old,
09:50not a seaside donkey.
09:51Lily!
09:52Lily!
09:53You forgot your coat.
09:54Thank you, Mr Foley.
09:56You're lucky it's not my size,
09:57otherwise I would have
09:58kept it for myself.
09:59I'll see you tomorrow.
10:02Who was that?
10:03That's my teacher,
10:04Mr Foley.
10:05He's cute.
10:06If you're lucky,
10:07my year four teacher
10:07was Mrs Drury.
10:08She was like 85
10:09and kept shooting up
10:10in class
10:11because she was a diabetic.
10:12Which reminds me,
10:13let's go get you some sugar.
10:26Hannah, I'm stuck with some of my maths homework.
10:28Can you help?
10:29Yeah, sure thing.
10:31Oh, these are all really easy.
10:35Isn't that cheating?
10:37Okay, Lily,
10:37I'm going to teach you
10:38a proper lesson.
10:41Why do you think people cheat?
10:44Because they're bad.
10:45Wrong.
10:45Because it's easy
10:46and it works.
10:47Trust me,
10:48I would rather be Lance Armstrong
10:49than some random loser
10:50in a high-vis jacket.
10:52Okay.
10:55Done.
10:57See,
10:57we've got the whole evening
10:58just to have fun.
10:59How about
11:00we make Rice Krispie squares?
11:02Yes, please.
11:02Okay,
11:03so the baking tray
11:04is just under the sink.
11:06It's just next to the bleach.
11:16Hey,
11:17feet off furniture.
11:18Trying to sell this place.
11:20Dad,
11:21it's not my fault I'm bored.
11:22You won't let me do anything.
11:23It's because you've fucked up
11:24every job I've given you so far.
11:26You broke eight mugs
11:27doing the washing up
11:28in the office.
11:29The soap in there
11:29is very watery.
11:31Yeah, well, look,
11:31I've got four people
11:32coming to view this house today.
11:33I'd quite like to shift it.
11:35Maybe you should just go home.
11:36No, Dad.
11:37You asked me
11:38to prove myself to you
11:39and I am not giving up
11:40until I do.
11:41I haven't even got to
11:42use my briefcase yet.
11:44What have you even
11:45given in there?
11:46Uh, yesterday's paper,
11:48Mr. Potato Head
11:49and three bags of Harry Potter.
11:54Lily said you wanted
11:55to talk to me?
11:56Yes, uh,
11:57I just wanted to click chat.
11:58Um,
11:59in private, actually.
12:00Lily,
12:01why don't you go
12:01wait in the reading corner?
12:05What's up?
12:07It's about Lily's homework.
12:09I asked the kids
12:09to write a paragraph
12:10on the pyramids
12:11but Lily handed in
12:12a 30-page Word document.
12:14What can I say?
12:15She's a thorough student.
12:17It was the full
12:17Wikipedia article
12:18on ancient Egypt.
12:20And look,
12:20this has been going on
12:21all week
12:21and I just thought
12:22that maybe you and I
12:23could get together
12:24and have a chat
12:24seeing as you're Lily's nanny.
12:26Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.
12:27Firstly,
12:28I am not a nanny, okay?
12:30Secondly,
12:31who gives a shit?
12:33Sorry?
12:34Come on, she's eight.
12:35She doesn't need
12:35to know about the pyramids.
12:37And I don't need
12:37to get lectured
12:38by some jumped-up
12:39primary school teacher.
12:40Why don't you go
12:41and take one of your
12:41bloody 3,000 holiday weeks
12:44and chill out?
12:45Oh, wow.
12:46That really didn't go
12:47how I planned it in my head.
12:48What do you mean?
12:49Well, I don't really care
12:51that much about
12:51the homework either.
12:53What?
12:53It's like you said,
12:54they're eight.
12:55As long as they know
12:55not to lick plug sockets,
12:56I've done my job.
12:57Why did you ask
12:58to see me then?
12:59I don't know.
13:00I was going to maybe
13:01try and ask for your number.
13:05Oh, really?
13:06Well, you could have just asked
13:08instead of going
13:09around the houses.
13:09Sorry.
13:10Sometimes I just get
13:12a bit flustered
13:12around pretty girls
13:13and, you know,
13:14end up doing stupid stuff.
13:16Well, judging by
13:17how dumb that was,
13:18you must think
13:18I'm the hottest girl
13:19in the world.
13:24Oh.
13:30Give me a call sometime.
13:34Aren't you forgetting
13:35something?
13:37Oh.
13:38Uh.
13:45I, uh, I, I meant Lily.
13:47Oh, shit.
13:48Lily.
13:49Uh, come on.
13:50Come on, Nils.
13:52Bloody kids, eh?
13:54Bye, Mr. Bailey.
13:55Yes.
13:56Good.
13:58All the windows
13:58are double glazed.
14:00A marching band
14:01could be getting pecked
14:02to death
14:02by a flock of geese
14:03if you wouldn't hear a peep.
14:06What?
14:08I'm so sorry.
14:08I'm going to have to take this.
14:10Check out those curtains.
14:1120% real silk.
14:17You guys should go
14:18for this place.
14:19Excuse me?
14:20I was just saying,
14:21I think this place
14:21would be a great fit
14:22for you two.
14:23It's got everything.
14:24Brand new kitchen,
14:26awesome shower.
14:27Plus, you could do
14:28anything with that spare room.
14:30Home office,
14:30guest room,
14:31ball pit.
14:33And, you know,
14:33this is a great area
14:34to start a family.
14:35I mean, I assume
14:36you're both fertile.
14:38Also, I heard
14:39that Gwyneth Paltrow
14:42used to live here.
14:44Sorry about that, folks.
14:46Everything all right?
14:48Um, good.
14:50I think we're maybe
14:52going to make an offer.
14:54Well, that's fucking
14:54brilliant news.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Your son pushed us
14:58over the edge.
14:59Um, let's just check out
15:00the spare room again.
15:01Yeah.
15:05What the hell did you do?
15:06Nothing.
15:07I just chatted to them.
15:08I guess they like
15:08what I had to say.
15:09Thanks, wife.
15:11And if they start asking
15:12about Gwyneth Paltrow,
15:13just play along.
15:20Hannah, I'm sorry
15:21I'm so late.
15:22Got held up at the office.
15:23It's OK.
15:24Uh, Lily's actually
15:25having a nap.
15:26I let her paint my nails
15:26and I think the paint
15:27fumes made her a bit drowsy.
15:28OK, well, I'll go grab her
15:29or we'll get out of your hair.
15:30Oh, first, I do have one
15:33slightly thick favour to ask.
15:35You're not going to ask
15:35for a kidney, are you?
15:37That's why you're
15:37marrying my dad, isn't it?
15:38I fucking knew it.
15:39No, it's Lily.
15:41She's meant to be
15:42having a sleepover this Friday
15:43and now I think I'm going
15:44to have to pull an
15:44all-nighter that evening.
15:46I just wondered if
15:47maybe you might fill in.
15:50Chaperone a sleepover?
15:51Mm-hm.
15:52I don't know, Bev.
15:52I mean, I agreed to babysit
15:54for free, bear in mind,
15:55but that does seem
15:56like a bit much.
15:57No, it's all right.
15:57Maybe Gregor was right.
15:58Right about what?
15:59Oh, no, he just said
16:00that you're only helping out
16:01whilst it suited you
16:02and that you'd get bored.
16:03He said that?
16:04Mm-hm.
16:05Well, you know what?
16:05I will chaperone that sleepover.
16:07You will?
16:08Yeah, and you can tell my dad
16:09he's a dickwad
16:09and he doesn't know me
16:10as well as he thinks he does.
16:11OK.
16:12Although he did predict
16:13that's exactly how you'd react.
16:15He even wrote it down.
16:21Wow, that is verbatim.
16:23Even what dickwad?
16:29There you go, son.
16:30You've earned it.
16:32Cheers, Dad.
16:34And, you know,
16:35for the sales commission,
16:36I was thinking 25%,
16:38but I'm happy to negotiate.
16:40Yeah, all right, calm down.
16:41You've had one good day.
16:43But maybe I was a bit quick
16:44calling you utterly fucking useless.
16:46Thanks, Dad.
16:47So you're going to let me
16:48take over the company?
16:49No chance.
16:50But I was thinking,
16:51I meant to be taking
16:52one of my big timber suppliers,
16:53Mr. Yakamoto,
16:54out in one of those
16:55corporate golf days.
16:56OK, sounds fun.
16:57Well, it would be
16:58if he wasn't such a
16:58supreme fucking bellend.
17:00But I thought
17:01he might like to come with.
17:02Really?
17:03He could be like
17:03my social Teflon vest,
17:05save me from all the bullets
17:06of crap he shoots out.
17:07Dad, I would love that
17:08more than anything in the world.
17:10I feel like we should hug.
17:12No, no, no.
17:12We don't need to hug.
17:15Look at this hugging,
17:16like a couple of real businessmen.
17:27Whoa, careful.
17:28Sorry, just playing
17:3018 rounds of golf today
17:31with Dad and a business associate.
17:32Seriously?
17:33I don't mean to brag,
17:35but I think I might have
17:36taken your place
17:37as kid number one.
17:38You know I sold a house, right?
17:40That is so unfair.
17:41You and Dad get to go
17:42and play golf
17:42and I have to stay in
17:43and look after a bunch
17:44of dumb kids.
17:45What is this, the 50s?
17:46What are you talking about?
17:48Lily and her friends
17:48are having a sleepover
17:49and I agree to chaperone.
17:51Why?
17:51Because I'm a fucking idiot
17:53and I wanted to prove to Dad
17:55that I'm not a social wrecking ball.
17:57But this whole thing
17:57has just turned into a drag.
17:59I'll be honest,
18:00normally when I do things
18:01out of spite
18:02it's a lot more fun than this.
18:03Well, I'm sure Dad
18:04will really appreciate it
18:05and I say that
18:06as both his colleague
18:07and his favourite child.
18:09I hope you get hit
18:10in the head
18:11with a four-iron.
18:15Sorry I'm late, Dad!
18:19I had to stop off
18:20and buy this visor.
18:22Now, you're all right.
18:23I'm still waiting to tee off.
18:24These tracts
18:25are fucking taking the piss.
18:26Oi!
18:27Tiger Woods!
18:28Stop fiddling with your fanny
18:29and get on with it!
18:32Wankers!
18:33Then, this is my timber supplier,
18:35Mr. Yakamoto.
18:36Please.
18:37Mr. Yakamoto's me Dad's name.
18:39You can call me Clive.
18:40Buggy.
18:41Oi!
18:42That's Mr. Yakamoto.
18:44Why is it...
18:45Don't ask.
18:46Today's all about smiling
18:47and keeping this prick happy.
18:49Think of it as like a colonoscopy.
18:50It's going to feel a bit dirty
18:51while it's happening,
18:52but in the long run
18:53it's worth it.
18:56Habit!
18:57And as the rain fell,
18:59the car finally stopped to help
19:02and she climbed inside.
19:04But this was no friendly stranger.
19:07This was...
19:08The Zodiac Killer!
19:10Hooray!
19:13Honey, your ghost stories
19:14are too scary.
19:15Well, technically
19:16it's not a ghost story.
19:17The Zodiac Killer
19:18was a real guy.
19:18Fun fact,
19:19he never even got caught.
19:21Can we please
19:21do something else?
19:22Oh, fine.
19:25How about
19:26a pillow fight?
19:27I don't think we should.
19:28Amelia has asthma.
19:29Come on!
19:30Sleepovers are supposed
19:31to be wild!
19:32Craziest thing we've done
19:33so far
19:34is eat unwashed fruit.
19:36He didn't wash the fruit.
19:41Hello?
19:42Hey, Hannah.
19:43It's Axel.
19:45Who?
19:45Mr. Foley.
19:47Lily's teacher.
19:48Oh, hey!
19:49Wait, your name's
19:49Axel Foley?
19:50Yeah.
19:51I was conceived
19:52the night my parents
19:53saw Beverly Hills Cop 2.
19:54Anyway,
19:55I was just calling
19:56to see if
19:57maybe you wanted
19:57to hang out.
19:59Oh,
20:00I would be up for that
20:01but I'm actually
20:01kind of busy tonight.
20:02Hannah, Hannah,
20:03Amelia has something
20:04stuck in their nose
20:04and she needs you
20:05to pick it out.
20:06On second thought,
20:07do you want to maybe
20:08swing by my place?
20:09I'm sure I can
20:09shift a few things around.
20:16Wait,
20:17this goes in the bunker,
20:18I'll get to shove
20:19my club
20:19right up your arse!
20:21Ha!
20:22Is that a promise?
20:29Yeah.
20:30What, now?
20:32No, no, no, no,
20:33I'll be right there.
20:35Clive,
20:36I'm afraid we're going to have to call it a day.
20:37Got these squatters
20:38that are finally getting
20:39what's coming to them.
20:40Need to get over there,
20:41ASAP.
20:41You're fucking kidding!
20:43You can't get me juices going
20:44and then piss off in the middle.
20:46You're me business, mate,
20:47you're not me missus!
20:48Dad,
20:49you go and I'll stay here
20:50with Mr Yakomoto.
20:51Wicked!
20:52Fucking problem solved!
20:55Dan,
20:56quick word.
20:58Don't worry, Dan,
20:59I've got this,
21:00okay?
21:00Me and him get on great.
21:01I mean,
21:02he's an awful person,
21:03but I don't mind.
21:05Okay.
21:06Look,
21:07here's the company credit card.
21:09Alright,
21:09finish this round,
21:10then go up to the clubhouse,
21:10buy him drink,
21:11food,
21:11whatever.
21:12He'll tire himself out,
21:13then pop him
21:14in the back of a cab.
21:16Right,
21:16Dan,
21:17I'm trusting you.
21:18I'll make you proud.
21:23Maybe we should hug again.
21:24Yeah,
21:25get to.
21:27How can we have to go to bed now?
21:29We haven't even had dinner yet.
21:31It's a sleepover.
21:33Sleeping's the most fun part.
21:35Listen,
21:35I'll bring you all some pizza
21:36in a little bit.
21:36We can't have pizza.
21:38Amelia's allergic to gluten.
21:39Seriously,
21:40you need to just cut her out
21:41of your friendship group.
21:42Hannah,
21:43you're making this sleepover rubbish.
21:45Okay,
21:45I've got an idea.
21:46How about we play a game?
21:48Yeah.
21:48Yeah?
21:49It's called Gas League.
21:51Do you want to play that?
21:53Yeah.
21:53Yeah.
21:54Okay,
21:54all you have to do
21:55is lie down and be quiet
21:56for as long as possible,
21:57and whoever lasts the longest
21:59wins a super secret special prize.
22:03Okay,
22:03go.
22:07No cheating.
22:31Hi.
22:32Hi.
22:32Come in.
22:34Welcome to my boat.
22:35Wow.
22:35This is a nice place.
22:38What's with all the shoes?
22:40Oh,
22:40those.
22:42I make and sell children's shoes.
22:45It's more of a hobby
22:46than anything,
22:47really.
22:49Shall we?
22:50Yeah.
22:53Shall I wake up?
22:54I'm still off me nut.
22:56I look to the left.
22:57I'm only fucking
22:58anchored to the rabbi.
23:01That's brilliant.
23:03All right,
23:03darling.
23:05Let me have two more of these
23:06and another plate of the calamari.
23:08Do you want to think,
23:08Dad?
23:09No,
23:09I'm stuffed.
23:10I barely finished my third steak.
23:12Can we get the bill,
23:13please?
23:17Do you want a sniff now?
23:19No,
23:19I'm good.
23:21So,
23:22Clive,
23:23can I ask you a question?
23:25Why is your surname
23:27Yakamoto?
23:27I was adopted by a couple of Japs,
23:29basically.
23:30Fucking loving the bits.
23:31Every single day,
23:32all I try and do
23:33is respect my father's honour.
23:34I've got the same thing
23:35with my dad.
23:36I'm trying to convince him
23:37I could run the company one day.
23:40You know what we should do
23:40for dessert?
23:42We should get some girls.
23:44Girls?
23:44Yeah.
23:45Like escorts.
23:47A couple of businessmen
23:48away from their families
23:49to get into some trouble.
23:51Oh,
23:52maybe.
23:53Or we could just
23:55not.
23:56Come on,
23:57geez,
23:57you're meant to be
23:58showing me a good time.
23:59Don't slam the handbrake on now.
24:02Hmm?
24:05No.
24:08So,
24:09being a primary school teacher
24:09must be a pretty sweet gig.
24:11You get to mould
24:12young people's minds
24:12and you clock off at 3.15.
24:14Yeah.
24:15Although it is
24:16sort of a stopgap for me.
24:18I actually kind of
24:19want to be a novelist.
24:20A novelist?
24:21Like James Franco?
24:22Yeah.
24:22I mean,
24:23I haven't written anything yet.
24:25Right now,
24:26I'm sort of just waiting
24:27for inspiration,
24:27you know?
24:28A road trip through Europe,
24:31a family tragedy,
24:33a love affair
24:35with a hot girl.
24:36Well,
24:37maybe we can figure out
24:38a chapter or two tonight.
24:46Er,
24:48did you hear that noise?
24:50It must just be
24:51a house noise,
24:52you know,
24:52old pipes or something.
24:57I'll go check it out.
25:00Sit tight.
25:08Guys,
25:14what happened?
25:15I guess none of you
25:16won that super secret special prize.
25:17Hannah,
25:18we're starving.
25:19Look,
25:20just sit tight
25:20for a couple more hours
25:21and then we can all
25:22have a yummy midnight snack.
25:24No,
25:24let us go.
25:25I'm going to tell my mum
25:26that you locked us up
25:26and starved us.
25:28Okay,
25:29fine,
25:29let's go.
25:30Oh,
25:31kids today are so spoiled
25:31they can't go one night
25:32without dinner.
25:35Glad you're back.
25:38Oh,
25:39my God.
25:41Mr. Farley.
25:42Okay.
25:44Come on.
25:48That really didn't go
25:49I've learned it mad.
25:56This'll do.
25:57I'm cold.
25:58Are you guys cold?
25:59Maybe we should have
26:00back inside.
26:01Just your legs,
26:01Dan,
26:02no one can see us.
26:03Still,
26:03I think the club
26:04might have some
26:04pretty strict rules
26:05on being on the course
26:06after hours
26:07and,
26:07you know,
26:08sex workers.
26:09Don't worry,
26:10we're just going to
26:10hop down in that bunker
26:11nice and quick.
26:13It's like doing it
26:13on a tiny beach.
26:21All right,
26:22son,
26:22how's it all going?
26:24Oh,
26:24great.
26:25Yeah,
26:25just keeping
26:25Mr. Yakamoto happy,
26:27like you said.
26:29Oh,
26:29brilliant.
26:30And,
26:30you know,
26:31well done for today.
26:32You stepped up,
26:32you did a good job.
26:34I'm proud of you.
26:36Thanks,
26:36Dad.
26:36That means a lot.
26:37What are you doing?
26:39But,
26:39also,
26:40I have to go.
26:42Mr. Yakamoto,
26:43there's someone coming!
26:44Oh,
26:45it was loud.
26:46it was loud.
26:48Okay.
26:52Drive,
26:53don't drive!
26:53I tried,
26:54it won't start.
26:55Come on!
26:55I've got 10 grams of coke on me!
26:57I cannot get pinched for this!
26:58I'd be fucking most dishonorable!
27:01Oh,
27:01I've got to get out of here!
27:04Mr. Yakamoto!
27:07Mr. Yakamoto!
27:09What about your father's honour?
27:13He spent £600 on dinner,
27:15£3,000 on a prostitute.
27:17Now,
27:17Mr. Yakamoto,
27:18my biggest timber supplier,
27:19is missing,
27:20presumed dead.
27:21In my defence,
27:22he was having a great night,
27:23right until the end.
27:25From now on,
27:25I want you as far away
27:26from my business as possible.
27:28It's the sun,
27:28you are Pluto.
27:29So far away,
27:30you're not even a fucking planet anymore!
27:32Oh,
27:33looks like I'm the favourite kid again.
27:35I don't know what the fuck
27:36you're grinning about.
27:37What do you mean?
27:38Thanks to you,
27:38Beverly is furious with me,
27:39and I've had to explain
27:40to a bunch of very upset parents
27:42why their daughters all saw
27:43their teacher's a wrecked fucking cock!
27:45Don't tell me it was a wrecked.
27:46Oh, yeah.
27:47It's fucking crazy.
27:49I was like...
27:49Shut the fuck up!
27:51Now,
27:52I don't want to see either of you
27:53for at least six months!
27:55Is that fucking clear?
28:01Oh.
28:02I reckon I'm still his favourite.
28:05ORCHESTRA PLAYS
28:06ORCHESTRA PLAYS
28:27¶¶
28:40¶¶
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