- 6 hours ago
First broadcast 3rd October 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Ross Noble
Sarah Millican
Colin Lane
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Ross Noble
Sarah Millican
Colin Lane
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00...my L-Series, and this is our L-Series animals show.
00:05So let's meet my lovelies, the Leonine, Ross Noble.
00:13The Larky, Sarah Millican.
00:21Lounge Lizard, Colin Lane.
00:28And the lesser-spotted Alan Davies.
00:36And here's what they sound like.
00:39Ross goes...
00:42Lion.
00:43Sarah goes...
00:47A lark, or possibly a ringtone.
00:51And the coin goes...
00:57I thought you were supposed to have the worst one.
01:00See if you can guess what that is.
01:02It's a human simulation.
01:03It's an L.
01:07Oh, never!
01:10It's not a Melbourne housewife.
01:14It's a good score at Scrabble for a four-lettered animal.
01:17Lynx.
01:18Yes!
01:19It's a Lynx.
01:19It's a Lynx.
01:20And Alan, your sound is...
01:22Steven!
01:22Steven!
01:23Listen to me!
01:24I want points!
01:26Right.
01:27Now, I've given each of you a penny in case you're caught short.
01:32One of these.
01:34Yes, because one of our questions tonight, as in throughout this series, will be a little bit lavatorial.
01:41So, if you think that the answer to the question concerns the lavatory, you get a chance to spend your
01:47penny.
01:47It's a joker card.
01:48All right.
01:49Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like?
02:04I was going to say Richard Little, John.
02:07Someone sent me a thing about blue whales, that they are really loud.
02:13Mm.
02:14They can make a noise of 180 decibels.
02:18It's the loudest noise any animal can make.
02:19All whales.
02:20It's louder than a plane taking off.
02:21Oh, completely.
02:22Or a baby crying or anything.
02:24And it can be heard 500 miles away.
02:26And further.
02:26In fact, the deeper it is, the further it sounds.
02:28And if it's very, very low pitch.
02:30Oooo.
02:31Oooo.
02:36Oooo.
02:38Oooo.
02:40Ooooo.
02:41Oooo.
02:42Ooooo.
02:42Oooo.
02:44It's not even close.
02:47I don't know what that sounded like, I never want to hear it ever again.
02:51Your wife is a very lucky woman.
02:53Ooooo.
02:55Yeah, this particular whale is one.
02:58We don't actually know what species it is because no one's found it, but people have heard it.
03:03And it's very unusual because it's the highest pitched whale that's ever been recorded by hydrophones.
03:09The microphones you pop down into the depths.
03:11How do they know that it's lonely?
03:12Because it's never been answered.
03:15But maybe it's just like spending time on its own.
03:17Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your night.
03:19There's a subtle difference between lonely and alone.
03:24That's very, very true.
03:25Maybe.
03:26He's just reading books and spending some time.
03:28Not reading books.
03:29I don't think we can go that far.
03:31Oh, no!
03:34Oh, no!
03:37Oh, no!
03:42Also, how do we know if we've never seen it?
03:44How do we know that it is a whale?
03:46It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.
03:49No!
03:49Woo-hoo!
03:50Woo-hoo!
03:51They're coming, they're coming.
03:52No, nothing.
03:53No!
03:54There's a whale over there.
03:56Think of it.
03:57Woo-hoo!
03:58No, I think...
04:00That's the shell.
04:00That's the shell.
04:01It's a conch.
04:02Woo-hoo!
04:03Woo-hoo!
04:04I didn't think conch when you did that.
04:07Oh!
04:07You do.
04:08Are you suggesting that I'm...
04:10I'm not suggesting anything.
04:10Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?
04:13No.
04:14No, no.
04:15A sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.
04:17Yeah, you'd need a bigger mountain.
04:18Even you would have done it.
04:20So...
04:24It's a...
04:30Isn't it great how we're all so keen to be involved.
04:33Oh, yeah.
04:34Oh, yeah.
04:35Oh, yeah.
04:35Oh, yeah.
04:36Oh, yeah.
04:36Oh, yeah.
04:36Oh, yeah.
04:37Oh, yeah.
04:49Hold on a second.
04:54Oh dear, dear, dear, well, it's generally believed that it is a blue or a fin whale, and it's 52
05:02hertz, which is the far higher register.
05:04We've actually got it. We can hear it. That seems very deep to us, but that's actually the highest.
05:11Sounds like standing outside a nightclub.
05:12Deeper ones travel much further.
05:14Now at home, it's the ministry sound.
05:20I'm trying to be in clothes, I'm trying to sleep.
05:22Don't be that shirt, mate. Don't be that shirt.
05:25At home, you might not be able to hear that because not all televisions can actually take that amount of
05:29bass,
05:29although you probably haven't got a woofer at home as I have.
05:35Just on the issue of last creatures, not necessarily, I mean, some people believe that rather than being a blue
05:39whale or a fin whale,
05:40it could actually be a whale that is a result of two different species of whale mating.
05:45A new kind of whale.
05:47And that it doesn't have a natural mate because it's a sort of mutated voice.
05:51Well, the 52 hertz whale has a high-pitched voice and no mates.
05:55Now, Sarah, suppose you find a vampire, dear.
05:59A vampire, dear?
06:00Yes.
06:02Who are you going to call?
06:04Well, I'm tempted to say,
06:13I'm not going to say dot, dot, dot.
06:15Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be cruel.
06:17So, is it a vampire or a vampire, dear?
06:19I'm very smartly spotted that I was doing a little trick.
06:22It is indeed a vampire, dear.
06:24So, you weren't really calling me a nice thing?
06:26No, but I was...
06:27Noted.
06:28And I'm supposed to ring somebody.
06:30Can I not just run for my life?
06:32Well, this doesn't sound the skull of a vampire, dear.
06:35How would I know that's what it was?
06:37I'm not very good at school!
06:39But that's the point.
06:40See, you would be puzzled.
06:42This is what you would see.
06:44You killed one earlier.
06:46I'll tell you what,
06:47that must have been a horrible Tupperware part.
06:51And then I was thinking,
06:52if you'd like to buy them...
06:53Ah!
06:54I can't find it, dear!
06:56Well, people do find these
06:58in the soil of Cambridgeshire,
07:00Norfolk, Belfordshire, that sort of area.
07:02And they are living.
07:03They are creatures that live.
07:04That one's not.
07:05That one, no.
07:06We'll just establish,
07:07if it looks in a mirror,
07:09can it see its reflection?
07:12Does it have a lovely cloak as well?
07:14I don't think...
07:14Yeah.
07:15That's how you ride them,
07:16because you get on their backs
07:17and you hold the cloak.
07:19You've got to be very careful,
07:21because if you come up behind a car,
07:23they look in the rear-view mirror,
07:24they don't see you.
07:25Stop very quickly.
07:26Back.
07:27Death.
07:28You've got to be careful as well,
07:29because magicians have a similar cloak,
07:31and you don't want to ride one of them
07:32in the woods, do you?
07:34That's true.
07:35That's exactly what Debbie McGee
07:36said to me over time.
07:40All the time.
07:43Is it a vampire just because it's got these funny teeth,
07:47or does it actually like blood?
07:48No, it's because it's got the funny teeth.
07:50It's like a saber tooth,
07:51but it exists now.
07:52So who would you call
07:53if you found an animal,
07:55or saw an animal,
07:56that looked really unusual?
07:57There is a place to call.
07:59It's a fine institution.
08:00Hang on.
08:00The finest institution.
08:02The natural history.
08:03The natural history museum is right.
08:04Yeah.
08:05Stephen!
08:05Stephen!
08:05Well done!
08:11We have with us Stuart Pine
08:13from the Natural History Museum's
08:15very special department.
08:17Oh, Stuart.
08:18Hello.
08:21Welcome.
08:24When I was a boy
08:25and you found something unusual,
08:26you would send it to Blue Peter,
08:28but nowadays,
08:29you get sent things.
08:30Is that the point?
08:31Yep.
08:31You can send anything to us.
08:32We do about 4,000 and a half
08:34or so identifications each year,
08:35generally for the sort of public.
08:37We're not just full of dinosaurs,
08:38but we actually have more than 300 scientists
08:40who are able to answer
08:41these inquiries for you.
08:42This presumably is a common thing
08:43for people to send it
08:44because they think that it may be
08:45an ancient or unusual species.
08:48Well, once every one or two years.
08:50So because they're not that common,
08:51where it comes from over there in China,
08:53it's becoming more endangered.
08:55We've got about 10% of the world's population
08:57living feral in the UK now.
08:58And how did they arrive here
08:59if they're not in Demi?
09:00Into wildlife parks.
09:02Zoos and so forth.
09:03And a pair escaped back in the 30s.
09:05And they've become sort of established there now,
09:08I believe, possibly from a single pair.
09:10Wow.
09:11So it shows that sometimes incest works,
09:13doesn't it?
09:15Sorry, which area of the country?
09:24I walked into that one, eyes wide shut.
09:28Can you give us any other examples of common things?
09:31I've got some.
09:31Maybe in this kind of thing you must get sent.
09:33Although it's not necessarily natural history,
09:36there are people who believe
09:37that life came from such objects.
09:39What's that?
09:41Yeah, what would you say?
09:44Meteorite.
09:45Oh, you wish.
09:47Everybody thinks...
09:47Is it poo?
09:49It could be like a coprolite,
09:51I think they're called, aren't they?
09:53Is that right?
09:53Oh, coprolite.
09:58One of my favourite songs
09:59that's had me thrown out
10:00the Natural History Museum.
10:03It's like somebody's cooking, is it?
10:05Because I've made things
10:05that look a bit like that.
10:09It's basically a rock, I think.
10:10Is that right?
10:11It's a bit of, well, slag.
10:22Slag.
10:25But I believe a lot of people
10:27see stones and they often,
10:29they might even be smoking or steaming,
10:30is that right?
10:30I've heard so many tales
10:31of these smoking, steaming things,
10:33but it usually involves my grandfather
10:35who is returning from the pub.
10:36So we know where they're going
10:38with that straight away.
10:39And are there any other things
10:39that would strike people
10:41as being somehow alien or odd?
10:43The price is in the gift shop.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:48APPLAUSE
10:54There are slimes,
10:55mystery slimes and things come in.
10:58So star jelly and things like this.
11:00Star jelly?
11:00Star jelly is one of the names
11:02for one of these slimes there.
11:04We've got these wonderful pictures.
11:05What would that be?
11:07Historically, people believe
11:08that this is associated
11:09with passing meteorites and things.
11:12And it just is frog gel or a jelly.
11:16Oh, a spawn?
11:16A spawn, indeed.
11:17Yeah.
11:17How would it get outside a pond?
11:20Well, we did some DNA analysis
11:22which told us that it came from the frog
11:24and that magpie was implicated.
11:27Um, magpie vomit, perhaps.
11:29Nice.
11:30Excellent.
11:30Lovely.
11:31Charming.
11:31Well, thank you very much, Stuart Hines.
11:34APPLAUSE
11:39Here you are.
11:40You can all remember
11:41he's your go-to guy
11:42if you find something unusual
11:44in your garden.
11:45Now, what's wild, horny,
11:47comes from North East England
11:48and hasn't been touched by a man
11:50in 800 years?
11:52No, no, no, no, no!
11:54I'm not looking at you!
11:54I'm not looking at you!
11:55I'm not looking at you!
11:56I was...
11:59I wasn't...
12:00I was...
12:01I was...
12:01I don't know.
12:02I was touched by a man.
12:03Well, eh, that was one.
12:05Um, on Tuesday, last week.
12:06There you go.
12:08Definitely not me.
12:09That's what I'm doing.
12:09I was looking at you.
12:11Is it...
12:13Ah...
12:14Watch this.
12:15I'm going to seem really smart
12:16if this works.
12:17Is it...
12:18Is it the, uh, white cows?
12:20The Chillingham white cows?
12:21Whoa-ho!
12:22Yes, it is.
12:23Well done.
12:24APPLAUSE
12:27Very good.
12:28Have you seen them?
12:29I have seen them.
12:30There they are.
12:31But, in fact, as a boy, I frolicked in the...
12:34Oh, that's where I'm from.
12:35I'm from the Northumberland.
12:36I'm up that neck of the woods.
12:38And then, in the foot and mouth, eh, everyone,
12:42the white cows, they're all going to go.
12:44And then, so they were quarantined off,
12:46and no one was allowed near them.
12:48And it all touch and go, touch and go.
12:51Yeah, well, not touch and go.
12:51And then, yeah.
12:53That's right.
12:53They haven't been touched for, certainly for a hundred years,
12:55and probably for much, much longer.
12:57Well, when I was a kid, we used to ride them,
12:59so that's not true.
13:01Oh, I shouldn't have said that on the telly show.
13:03You were, oh, please.
13:04Do you mind what you mean by touched?
13:06They are fed during the winter months.
13:08Hay is pitchforked over the enclosure,
13:10and they eat that, but no one has dared touch them.
13:13They are pretty feral,
13:13and from them descended many of the cattle we now know.
13:17And they look very different now,
13:19but you can see pretty much relationship.
13:21Is that one cleaning out its nostril with its tongue?
13:23Yes.
13:24You could, if you would.
13:27You would, if you could.
13:28You mean you're around.
13:31That was all right.
13:32Yeah, the Chillingham cattle.
13:34Do you know how many there are?
13:35Uh, 40.
13:37There are about 100.
13:38Oh, I've had 100.
13:38There have been going on.
13:40Oh, yeah, when I saw them as a kid, yeah.
13:42There was a harsh winter of 46.
13:4447, there were down to 13 of them.
13:46But they've come back up to about 100,
13:47which is encouraging.
13:49Again, incest seems to be best.
13:52I was in that neck of the woods.
13:55The Chillingham cattle, as Ross knew,
13:58live wild and haven't been touched in 800 years.
14:00From livestock to larvae,
14:01what form of transport might a caterpillar use?
14:07Do they hitch on to things, then?
14:09They do.
14:09And I wonder what they hitch on to.
14:11Furry mammals.
14:13Furry mammals carry a lot of stuff about.
14:15They do, but in this case,
14:16they use each other.
14:18They use a principle, which is quite fun.
14:20And that is that the one that's on the bottom layer
14:22is going at a certain speed,
14:25and the one above, twice the speed,
14:26and the one above that, thrice the speed.
14:28So, all told, the whole group goes faster.
14:32And we've done a little experiment
14:34using stop-motion photography.
14:36It's going to come in.
14:38It's of course, isn't it?
14:39But if you watch,
14:40we've got two yellow pieces there,
14:43and they're both moving one step at a time.
14:46But you'll see the one on the top layer
14:48is going faster,
14:49and the single one can't catch up with it.
14:51And that's the principle they use,
14:53that the top layer is going quicker.
14:56And so that's how caterpillars move at greater speed
14:58to get to where they need to be.
15:00It's like a travelator.
15:01The travelator?
15:02Except when people get on the travelator,
15:03they slow right down.
15:05Oh, it's so annoying.
15:06It drives me mad.
15:06When I get on a travelator,
15:08I really make the most of it.
15:09Me too.
15:09I accelerate.
15:10I love the way that the windows and everything
15:12just speed past you.
15:14Oh, it's...
15:14Travelator!
15:16People actually,
15:17even on the travelator,
15:18they just stop.
15:19They stop?
15:20Yeah, but it's doing the movement for you,
15:22so you don't have to move.
15:23That's why we're a nation of morbid...
15:25Oh, dear.
15:29Or, or if you have small children,
15:31they turn around and run the other way.
15:33Yes.
15:33Let's be the kind in your life.
15:37You have to do quite a lot of loud coughing and...
15:39And my flight's about to leave sort of stuff
15:42in order to get people just to move across.
15:43It's just politeness to take one side of the travelator.
15:46Oh, you say...
15:46Get out of the way!
15:48That's an option too.
15:50Anyway, moving from larvae on to adult lepidoptera.
15:55What's a surefire way of telling two butterflies apart?
15:59Different colour wings.
16:00That would be true of those that were different colours.
16:05But suppose they looked identical.
16:07And were different species or genus.
16:10Then you can't.
16:10That's it.
16:11Well, you might be...
16:12Their breath.
16:13Is it?
16:13Their breath.
16:16Is it the prettier they are, the stinkier their breath?
16:19Their dress.
16:20Their dress?
16:21Their dress.
16:22That would do it.
16:23Are they sort of same, same bit different?
16:25No, they are all the same, but they're not.
16:26There are two genera of butterfly that look almost identical.
16:29And it's a type of evolution called Mullerian.
16:32There they are.
16:33And one of them tastes disgusting to birds.
16:35And the birds quite quickly learn that.
16:37Oh, so you lick them?
16:38You just lick them?
16:39Well, the birds did.
16:39And so the other ones evolved to look as much like the one that's disgusting without actually
16:45being disgusting.
16:46Because it doesn't need to develop the, whatever it is, the disgusting taste.
16:51Because the birds will assume that it is disgusting.
16:54And this is a thing that happens in nature.
16:56You look identical just to survive.
16:58How smug must they be?
16:59Oh, I would say.
17:00It's very, very good.
17:01And also, the one on the right there seems to have a tiny roll of gaffer tape in its mouth.
17:07It's all right, isn't it?
17:10They're not even his real wings.
17:11He's made them.
17:13He's like, ah.
17:15Look at that.
17:15I'm just like him.
17:17Come on.
17:17You look around the other side of that.
17:19It's all sticky-packed plastic around there.
17:22But there is an answer to how you would tell the difference.
17:24And it's deeply personal.
17:26Oh, it's the downstairs.
17:27It's the genitalia.
17:28You would look at the genitalia.
17:29And there's a truly great novelist of the 20th century, although English was his third language.
17:34And he was very good at sexing butterflies.
17:37Indeed, six.
17:38Six.
17:38I'm telling their gender, examining their penises.
17:43There isn't...
17:43Texting.
17:44Sexing.
17:44Texting.
17:45No, sexing.
17:45There's a collection still at Harvard University of these tiny little files filled with penises
17:50of butterflies that he collected.
17:52There he is.
17:53He lived in America, hence Harvard.
17:54But he was born in Russia, and then moved to Paris from a rather knobby family.
17:59And his name was Vladimir Nabokov.
18:01Ah.
18:02But you must have heard of his most famous novel.
18:04Yeah, Fifty Shades of Butterflies.
18:06Oh, yeah.
18:07That was amazing.
18:08Don't let us down.
18:10Lolita.
18:11Lolita, thank you.
18:12Yes.
18:13He wrote Lolita amongst many other magnificent...
18:15Or prices.
18:16...you tree are all over him at the moment.
18:20Er...
18:20Lolita, light of my loins.
18:23And he collects the penises.
18:25Er, that...
18:26Well, he...
18:26Well, he's not.
18:27But then about the rest of it.
18:28He was an incredibly enthusiastic lepidopterist.
18:31And then he lets them go.
18:32And he went, in fact...
18:34Without a penis.
18:34...on index cards.
18:39That's a contemplative lie that's had its penis removed.
18:41I got it, I got it.
18:42It was really good.
18:43It was really good.
18:45Was his name...
18:46Stick to girls!
18:48Was his name...
18:49Nob-off, did you say?
18:52Nob-off.
18:53Nob-off.
18:54Nob-off by name, nob-off by nature, I'll do anything.
18:56I'll start with a butterfly, I won't move it up.
18:58I don't care.
19:00You're right.
19:00As well as being a great writer, one of the finest lepidopterists of his time.
19:04He used his index cards, on which he wrote his scientific notes about lepidoptera,
19:08to write the entire novel of Lolita, in fact, his most famous work.
19:11Did he try to collect all of the lady gardens of the butterflies?
19:16Very good point.
19:17I don't know if he exclusively confined himself to the penises of butterflies,
19:21but I suppose they were the easiest bits to see in such a small...
19:24Well, the wings are easier to see.
19:26Well, yeah, I don't know.
19:27Well, it comes to sexing, I mean.
19:29Butterfly pubes.
19:31That's the...
19:32Imagine a pillow.
19:34How soft would that pillow be?
19:35Just filled with butterfly pubes.
19:38He gave a very, very...
19:41That's what...
19:42Not many people know this.
19:44Not many people know this, but all of Stephen's suits are lively butterfly pubes.
19:49That's true.
19:50By the finest tailors in the land.
19:52No, I do have...
19:54Butterfly tailors, no less.
19:55That's right.
19:56I do have...
19:56Tiny moths come in, Mr. Fly.
19:58Moth, we have collected the butterfly pubes of a million butterflies.
20:03They've been donated willingly.
20:06More than willingly.
20:07That's why it looks so comfortable on the show.
20:09See, look.
20:10He's even flopping like a butterfly.
20:13The power of the pubes are moving through the pubes.
20:18Look at it moving.
20:19There it goes again.
20:22The best way to tell butterflies apart is to look them straight in the genitals.
20:26Can you give me your impression of a pufferfish on the pool?
20:37That's the gift that keeps on giving.
20:39Oh, you're puffing a face.
20:41They play down.
20:41They play down the puffiness, I reckon.
20:43They do...
20:44Well, what they do is play up some whole other skill, which is really astonishing in order
20:49to attract a female.
20:50They turn themselves inside out.
20:53I would be impressed by that.
20:55Well, maybe they're looking up to you in a nightclub and went,
20:58watch this, love.
20:59Vroom, from the lungs and hearts and all that.
21:02I mean, I wouldn't hug them, but I'd be impressed.
21:05It tastes like birds, as you probably know.
21:06The males tend to be more colourful,
21:08and they try and put on a good show to attract females.
21:10I did not know that.
21:11Did you not?
21:11I knew it was about birds.
21:13Hmm.
21:13Beautiful plumy.
21:14See, just had a slush puppy.
21:18He has a blue slush puppy.
21:20What he does...
21:21It was in such a big glass.
21:22He's got it.
21:23He went like that.
21:24It's gone on his eye.
21:27What they do is actually remarkable.
21:29If you watch what he does, at first you'll think it's just random,
21:32but then you'll go, oh my goodness.
21:33It takes nine days for him to prepare this for the female.
21:36Is that just Farton, what he's doing there?
21:40That's...
21:40He turned...
21:41Look.
21:42It's extraordinary.
21:43He's made this enormous crater with ridges,
21:46which are decorated with seashells.
21:50Um...
21:50And it's...
21:51Oh, right.
21:52What do you want?
21:53A sandcastle.
21:54Yeah.
21:56And they were impressed.
21:58Nine days work to attract a female.
22:00How many days?
22:01Nine.
22:02Yeah.
22:04A lot of females say that.
22:05And they go, no, I'm not good enough.
22:07And it has to be absolutely perfect.
22:08And then when it is perfect, the female lays her eggs right in the middle.
22:12And then he then fertilizes them and looks after them for six days,
22:15just to protect them.
22:16That's nice.
22:17And then she'll go back to work and stuff.
22:18She'll go off and go to another crater.
22:20Well, the most amazing thing about that is that's actually on the beach.
22:25It's not even under the water.
22:27It doesn't sound like that.
22:28It puts little flags in every ridge as well.
22:33It's...
22:33I won't say entirely unique because we know so little about what goes on in the ocean,
22:37but it's one of the few we know which is quite so marvellous and distinctive as the pufferfish.
22:41But nine days is a long time.
22:43I mean, if you...
22:44It's not really.
22:44If you, Sarah...
22:45I mean, it's...
22:46It's just worth it.
22:48When she comes in, she comes in just because,
22:50well, you've done that all wrong.
22:53It'll be six months for you to get that finished and it's wrong.
22:56So again, I should have got somebody in to do it.
23:01Anyway, the male pufferfish attracts his lady with a heart exhibition.
23:06Now, what do we call a fish that drives a tank?
23:10Tankfish.
23:12You might call it tankfish, but when I say we, I mean we.
23:16What do we here at QI Central call a fish that drives a tank?
23:22Sir.
23:23Let's have...
23:29That was a shock.
23:32We read you like a book.
23:34We're going to show you a fish driving a tank.
23:37What?
23:37Yes.
23:39So if my splendid porters can come on with a little tank tray.
23:44The porters, ladies and gentlemen.
23:46Yay!
23:50There we are.
23:52So, we've got a tank and we've got a fish who's going to drive the tank.
23:56Oh.
23:56And there's our fish.
23:57He doesn't live here, I want you to know.
23:59This is just his transport system.
24:00And, er...
24:02This is like the poshest fairground ever.
24:04Yeah.
24:05We're going to turn on his little motor here.
24:07This is a fish tank tank.
24:09And as soon as he moves, er, he will...
24:11Give him some food or poke him with a bite.
24:13Oh, I will.
24:14Every direction, different direction he goes, he moves the tank.
24:20And...
24:20Whoa, there you go.
24:21So, let's move you into the middle here.
24:23There you are, because you're getting all excited.
24:29There you are.
24:30A few ants eggs for him, or whatever it is we feed him with.
24:33And, er...
24:33Butterfly penis.
24:34But you obviously want to know...
24:38I said, what do we call him?
24:39His name is Alan.
24:43He's Alan the QI goldfish.
24:45And, just to put your minds at rest, this is not his tank.
24:48He has a beautiful...
24:49It's my tank.
24:52He has a beautiful place where he hangs out, which is full of wonderful toys and...
24:56It's near Watford, isn't he?
24:57He drives there himself.
24:58Don't forget it.
24:59And you might like to meet our splendid elf, Alex Bell, who built this particular contraption for Alan.
25:06Come on, Alex.
25:14Here we have the classic elf.
25:18Educated to within an inch of his life.
25:21So, how long did it take you to build this?
25:24Er, a couple of days.
25:25It's made of Lego, completely, so...
25:27It's entirely Lego!
25:28Yeah, it's all Lego.
25:28Can we race it against caterpillars?
25:33It's weird.
25:36There's a Dutch company called Studio Dip, and they made a bigger version of this for a fish to live
25:41in, and we thought we'd have a go at making our own.
25:44Did you build it over two days to attract girls?
25:55Are you impressed?
25:57It's working for me.
25:57It's working for me.
26:13Probably.
26:14Just to put at rest those who are wondering what the principle behind it is, it's when he swims forward,
26:18what happens exactly?
26:19Yeah, there are four sensors, one in each corner, so whichever corner he goes to, it goes in that direction.
26:23Ah, right, it's that simple, so it's nothing to do with the pressure of the water, right?
26:26Would it be possible to build a giant one, put a dolphin in it, that could swim up, do a
26:32somersault, and then the whole vehicle could loop the loop?
26:36Theoretically, yes.
26:37Let's do it.
26:38I should pay for that out of my own pocket.
26:41Are there future uses for this?
26:43Maybe military, I think, if you do that.
26:47The British Army is on its uppers.
26:49Yeah, I think they'll probably be able to fund it.
26:51It's very exciting for him, but I'm sure he wants to get back to his huge and very, very luxurious
26:56accommodation in the queue aisle.
26:58He lives in a system.
26:59I will hand him over to him.
27:02Thank you, Alan.
27:05Thank you, Alan and Alan.
27:08Alan's very pleasing.
27:11The quarters!
27:13Woo!
27:16So, anyway, moving on, what has 32 brains and sucks?
27:23The front row.
27:27Is there a creature that has 32 brains?
27:29Is there an octopus and lots of brains in its tentacles?
27:31Yes, and the genitalia at the end as well, if you remember.
27:34Oh, yes, I do remember.
27:35Yes, I do remember.
27:36Really?
27:37On one of them.
27:38How would you know which one?
27:40You'll soon find out.
27:44Get a few loggers into it.
27:49But it's not an octopus.
27:51It is an animal that is associated with moist conditions.
27:55A slug.
27:56It looks rather like a slug.
27:59Here's the thing you can do to test this particular animal.
28:01They've done it.
28:02They've filled a condom with blood and dropped it in the water where these creatures...
28:08Yes.
28:09And they've found...
28:10People have done that intentionally.
28:11Filled a condom with blood.
28:12In order to demonstrate...
28:14Some intentionally.
28:15How unintentionally.
28:16How this accidentally.
28:18In order to demonstrate...
28:19How exactly...
28:23Are you all right in there?
28:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:31Don't flash it down.
28:32No, no, no.
28:34That's why it's always better.
28:43That's horrific.
28:44It's in order...
28:45If you fill a condom full of blood, that's the best way in the wild to catch one of those
28:50vampire deals.
28:52It might do that, but what it doesn't do is catch a leech.
28:55Because leeches haven't evolved expecting humans to splash through the marshes.
28:58But they have expected other kinds of animals.
29:01And...
29:01A frog, perhaps?
29:02A frog is a perfect example.
29:04If you put the condom in covered in blood, leeches will not be attracted to it.
29:09If you just wipe the condom over a frog and then drop it in, leeches will go...
29:14Like that.
29:15Because they smell a bit of frog.
29:16The frog will be your friend.
29:17They go...
29:17They go...
29:18They go...
29:18They hop around.
29:23So we needn't be as afraid of leeches as we seem to be.
29:26So, the nearest whiff of frog will lure a leech to lunch.
29:30But what part do twiglets play in a mugger's lunch?
29:35That...
29:35We've been very literal with our picture.
29:37Oh, is that Annie Lennox?
29:42Is a mugger's lunch a view for me?
29:44A mugger is a type of creature.
29:46A mugger is a...
30:00It hides behind the...
30:01It doesn't hide behind it.
30:02It's a very small alligator.
30:04It uses it as a tool in order to entrap...
30:08Like...
30:09Toxics.
30:09It catches wading birds who think, well, I'm building my nest.
30:13Oh, look, there's a log with some twigs on it.
30:15By the way.
30:15How stupid are birds?
30:19Tiny brains, aren't they?
30:20Tiny little brains.
30:22Useless.
30:22Tiny.
30:23They deserve to be eaten.
30:25Oh.
30:26On the one hand, you think, oh, I'd love to have a fly like a bird, but you'd be an
30:29idiot.
30:30That's why they're always flying in the windows and lorries.
30:33Crows are very intelligent.
30:34Crows, ravens.
30:35Look, crows?
30:36Yeah.
30:37Oh, what?
30:37Right, here's a crow swooping around.
30:38Oh, yeah, that looks like a nice field.
30:41Oh, better not go in there.
30:47Oh, no, he's a scary.
30:49He's clearly a trained assassin.
30:54You're sensitive to him.
30:55At least set your scarecrow up like this.
30:59Oh, just doing that.
31:01Just doing that.
31:01Like that.
31:03Exactly.
31:03Take it down.
31:05Yeah, so that is one example of...
31:07It's the only example we know of a reptile using tools.
31:10And it's only a recent discovery.
31:11How does it get them on its head with its little hands?
31:13It cleverly manoeuvres.
31:15It doesn't use its little hands.
31:15So it puts them in the water and then it does that?
31:17It takes nine days.
31:18Yeah.
31:20I'm impressed by anything that takes nine days.
31:21Yes, they lie under a tree to the twig.
31:23I'm in his head.
31:27It's not the only animal, however, that uses...
31:29The principle is a lure.
31:31It lures other animals.
31:33You can see there's a type of snake, for example, that has a very clever lure.
31:36Oh, it makes...
31:38It pretends to be a worm.
31:39But look what happens.
31:41It's scary.
31:42It's a furry thing.
31:43Whoa!
31:44It's so quick.
31:46And it's eaten itself a nice little furry meal.
31:50Because the furry thing thought, oh, there's a nice worm.
31:52And you can see, if it pulls back, you can see what it's just eaten.
31:55Oh, dear.
31:56Oh, wow.
31:57Some of the snakes, similar thing.
32:00Very clever.
32:01They'll pretend to be a draft excluder.
32:07And then when the mouse approaches, they'll strike like that.
32:12And the mouse gets the last laugh.
32:14Because it's not a mouse.
32:15It's an old lady's slippers.
32:21And it's just a laughing nana.
32:23Oh.
32:24I ought to express my gratitude to the one and only Al the Viper Keeper for that footage.
32:30He's lent us that footage.
32:32Anyway, crocodiles are the only reptiles known to use tools.
32:35Now, what's the most energetic thing that a sloth or sloth ever does?
32:40Whichever you prefer.
32:42Oh, you're spending your penny.
32:44And you're right, Sid.
32:46Yeah.
32:52Go to the lavatory.
32:53Go to the lavatory.
32:54They spend all the time in the trees, except when they go down and use a communal lavatory,
32:59which they share.
33:00And this habit of sharing lavatories has given rise to some pretty...
33:05Somebody's missed the lavatory there.
33:06Well, I'm afraid it gets really, really worse.
33:12I mean, it's grim beyond believing this.
33:15But at the Estación Biológica Quebrada Blanco in Peru, which is a field research site in the Amazon,
33:22they observed very odd feeding habits of two-toed sloths.
33:25They were hanging upside down from the roof of the scientist's latrine.
33:28And they started to drop down into it and scoop up handfuls of human excrement and toilet paper.
33:37And they would eat it.
33:39They even plunged into the pit itself, which you can see, and emerged covering, after a liquid lunch, in poo.
33:46The research paper noted it was scooping with one hand from the semi-liquid manure and then eating from the
33:51hand.
33:52When more persons gathered around the latrine to watch this bizarre behaviour,
33:56the sloth emerged from the latrine and climbed into the nearest tree.
33:58So it didn't like being watched.
33:59Might have been slightly ashamed.
34:03You know when the film Jaws came out and it was really terrifying to go to the toilet
34:07in case a shark came up and bit your bum?
34:09I don't remember seeing that, to be honest.
34:11Well, maybe that was just our house.
34:13But now, there's another one then.
34:15Now we've got to worry about...
34:16A sloth coming up and clawing at your arse.
34:19Yeah.
34:20Well, they wouldn't do that, they'd just sit there like that.
34:31Oh, God.
34:34A super nanny would say that was unacceptable.
34:39I mean, dear.
34:40It must be hard.
34:41It must be hard for them to be both an animal and a deadly sin.
34:46That's true, you know?
34:47That's true.
34:48Every morning, they just go,
34:50Oh.
34:53Is it the sloth?
34:54I might be wrong here, you'll know.
34:56When they die, they stay in the trees, don't they?
35:00How long for, though?
35:01Just forever.
35:02Forever?
35:03No, no, honestly, you'll just find...
35:05Like a skeleton.
35:06What a way?
35:07Like a skeleton, like a...
35:09Could be eaters, perhaps, by...
35:10Yeah, but just the bones, just the outside.
35:13Yeah.
35:13That's a hell of a way to find your nana, isn't it?
35:16That's how we found mine.
35:18And the little park.
35:20What are you doing?
35:21Oh, no.
35:22Oh, God.
35:23She's only gone on the climbing frame.
35:28Not really!
35:29Why did...
35:30Why did people go,
35:32Oh, as if my nan, genuinely...
35:34Oh, that's terrible.
35:36I don't know much about what goes on in the North East,
35:38but we hear things.
35:43Mainly from you.
35:46So, the only reason, as Alan knew,
35:49that sloths ever move out of a tree
35:50is to spend a penny.
35:52But now it's time to wallow for a while
35:54in the filthy pile of audio
35:56that we call general ignorance,
35:57so fingers on buzzers, please.
35:59How can you tell your labradoodle is pleased to see you?
36:03Aren't they wonderful dogs?
36:04Yes.
36:05It's got an erection.
36:13You mean it's got its lipstick out?
36:16It's beetroot.
36:17It's always beetroot in our family.
36:18Oh, ma'am, it's got its beetroot out again.
36:20Oh, it's weird.
36:20Doesn't you think it's more like lipstick?
36:22I'm going to look next time a bit closer.
36:25There's a labradoodle,
36:26a cross between a Labrador and a poodle.
36:28Yeah.
36:29Which is like a seeing-eye dog.
36:31Yes.
36:31And a poodle,
36:32which is like a fashion accessory dog.
36:34So it's like a dog to see with
36:36and be seen with.
36:38Oh, that was very well put.
36:39And a labradoodle is not,
36:41it's not like some people think,
36:42like an Etch-A-Sketch,
36:43because that's a magna-doodle,
36:44isn't it?
36:45Oh, sweet.
36:46A magna-doodle is a dog
36:48that just attracts spoons.
36:52Why is it made to see here?
36:54Well,
36:56the point is,
36:56it's not just a labradoodle,
36:58it's all about
36:59dogs' expressions of
37:00pleasure to see their owners.
37:02And we know about tail wagging, obviously.
37:04Tail wagging.
37:05But tail wagging is very subtle
37:06and it's really for signals
37:07to other dogs.
37:09But the answer is actually
37:10rather sweet.
37:11And you may,
37:11if you have dogs at home,
37:13check this out.
37:14When you get home next,
37:15after a period of absence,
37:17it's very, very quick,
37:18so it has to use
37:19high-speed cameras,
37:20usually,
37:21to have found this out.
37:22But you may be able
37:22to see it with the eye.
37:23Is that your dog
37:24will welcome you
37:25by lifting its left eyebrow,
37:26if you are the owner
37:27and master of your dog
37:28or mistress.
37:29And that is
37:30a rather touching thing.
37:31The left eyebrow goes up.
37:32Very, very quickly.
37:33Why don't you just
37:34be inquisical?
37:35Well,
37:36it only happens
37:37to their owners.
37:38It doesn't happen
37:38to strangers.
37:39It doesn't happen.
37:39In fact,
37:40you'd expect to be more quizzical
37:41with people they hadn't met.
37:42But in fact,
37:43with people they haven't met,
37:44there are other things.
37:45Their left ear will go back,
37:47for example.
37:48And if it's an object
37:49they don't know,
37:50their right ear will go forward.
37:51So let me get this right.
37:52So,
37:52owner comes in,
37:54left eyebrow goes up.
37:56Stranger comes in,
37:57ear goes that way.
37:59Yeah.
37:59So,
37:59if you were to get,
38:00if I was to come in the house,
38:02and then
38:03quickly get a stranger
38:04to come in,
38:05I could flip me dog.
38:06Yeah.
38:10What's it mean
38:11when it licks its willy?
38:12What does it mean?
38:14It just wants
38:15to have a good time,
38:16I should say.
38:16I can't think of any other reason.
38:18Noted.
38:19Yeah.
38:20So,
38:21don't show
38:22they're pleased to see you
38:23by raising an eyebrow.
38:24Which cat
38:25never changes its spots?
38:28Wow.
38:28Now,
38:29see,
38:30I've found a sense of trap.
38:31Do you?
38:32Oh,
38:33Ryan.
38:34Is it,
38:35is it the Jaguar?
38:37Good.
38:37Because if you shave a Jaguar,
38:40it's got,
38:42the Jaguar pattern
38:43on its skin,
38:44that's not its fur,
38:46so therefore,
38:47it doesn't matter how many times
38:48you shave it,
38:49the spots remain the same.
38:51Interesting.
38:52It's not the correct answer.
38:53All right,
38:54I'll be off then.
38:54No.
38:56We avoided saying the leopard.
38:58Yes,
38:58because that was a trap I sensed.
38:59We can see a little leopard kitten
39:01with its mother
39:02and you can see the leopard kitten
39:04really does have quite tight spots,
39:06very close together
39:06and the mother has what are called rosettes,
39:08which are very different.
39:10The animal actually is a lion
39:11and the spots are
39:12where its whiskers sprout from
39:14and you can see those little lines of dots.
39:16Like it's been sniff and glue.
39:17They never change.
39:19They never ever change.
39:21So,
39:21they're like fingerprints.
39:22You can identify a particular lion
39:23just by the array of its spots.
39:25You'd have to get very close to it,
39:26then, wouldn't you?
39:26You would
39:26and you wouldn't necessarily want to do that.
39:28No, exactly.
39:29So,
39:30it's lions,
39:30not leopards
39:31that never change their spots,
39:32which is the biggest of the big cats,
39:34though?
39:36Yes,
39:36lion in first.
39:37Is it the Jaguar?
39:39No!
39:40Not even the V12.
39:42No,
39:42I'm afraid not.
39:44Any other thoughts?
39:45Um,
39:46well,
39:46the lion.
39:49The leopard.
39:51The tiger.
39:51Is it the tiger?
39:52You're both half right.
39:53The cougar.
39:54it's the liger.
39:56The leopard tiger.
39:57It is.
39:57The leopard tiger.
39:58The leopard tiger.
40:00It is the liger,
40:01and the liger is composed of what?
40:03A lion and a tiger.
40:03But which gender round?
40:05The front half is the tiger.
40:09It's like a dodgy safari seal.
40:11I'll tell you what.
40:12That's lovely.
40:13That's an lion.
40:13A male tiger and a female lion.
40:16Yes,
40:16in both cases,
40:17they put the male first.
40:18So,
40:18if it's a liger,
40:19it's a lion male
40:20and a tiger female.
40:21And if it's a tigone,
40:23then it's a male tiger
40:24and a female.
40:24The best one is the seraph.
40:28It's just got a zebra body
40:30and a giraffe neck
40:31and it's always fallen forward.
40:36There are zebroids,
40:37which are zebras
40:38crossed with all kinds of
40:39asteroids.
40:40equestrians.
40:42Eloids.
40:44That's a dragon in a book.
40:45That's a very extraordinary
40:46mixture there.
40:47In January 2014,
40:48the first set of
40:50white ligers
40:51was born,
40:52and there they are.
40:53Aww.
40:53And they are
40:54possibly going to be
40:55the biggest big cats ever.
40:56They're already pretty huge,
40:57as you can see.
40:58It looks like one of those
40:59things you put on the end
40:59of your bed
41:00with the zip
41:00that you used to put
41:01your pajamas on.
41:08their diet
41:09is exclusively
41:10magicians.
41:15So you said,
41:16Rod,
41:16you've got a wolf in?
41:17A wolf and a dolphin?
41:22They howl out their blowholes.
41:27The best one
41:28is a werewolf in.
41:30That's where every full moon
41:32a wolf dolphin
41:33leaps out of the sea,
41:35changes into a man.
41:38It's a mixture of
41:39what's known as
41:39a false killer whale
41:40and a butthlenose dolphin.
41:43There's only one in existence,
41:44it seems,
41:44in captivity,
41:45that there have been
41:46others reported in the wild.
41:47They've been seen on the M1
41:48in big tank cars.
41:53So, good.
41:54Excellent.
41:54That brings me
41:55to the scores.
41:57Let's leap to them.
41:57In last place,
41:58I'm afraid
41:59he's come
42:00thousands of miles
42:01to be minus 20.
42:03It's Colin Lane.
42:09In third place,
42:12twice as good a score,
42:13but still minus 10,
42:14Sarah Millican.
42:20And minus 5,
42:22Alan Davies.
42:26Which means
42:27that our winner
42:27on a staggering
42:28plus 6
42:29is Ross Noble.
42:37So,
42:38it's a good night
42:39from Sarah Ross,
42:40Colin Allen,
42:40and me,
42:41and I leave you
42:41with the last words
42:42of Noel Coward,
42:43of all people,
42:44and how sad they are.
42:45Good night,
42:45my darlings.
42:46I'll see you tomorrow.
42:47I'll see you tomorrow.
42:48Thanks,
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