- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 24th January 2014.
A compilation of some of the best bits from Series K.
A compilation of some of the best bits from Series K.
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TVTranscript
00:01Ohhhh!!!
00:02Good evening, good evening, good evening
00:04And welcome to QI
00:06Uh, where will this get me?
00:09I'm gonna find my broom here
00:10If I were to move my hands together like this what would happen?
00:15Whether I'd be this one a bit more than that one, or that one a bit more than that one
00:18What would happen?
00:19At the end, when my hands met
00:20The heavy end would fall down?
00:22No, extraordinary
00:24When you do this, you will always find it meets at the centre of gravity
00:28Oh, always because the resistance. Yeah, exactly just sort of doing without thinking, you know
00:35It just meets up like that
00:37And it balances doesn't actually look a very natural implement in your hand
00:43Maybe it'll look more natural in yours
00:50You've all got one so try
00:59Now try properly
01:00Obviously the left hand
01:04Is it working for you Marcus?
01:09Yeah, yeah, yeah
01:10Joe isn't even trying
01:11There are women all over the country going
01:14Look at the silly bastards, we've got to clean the floor with it
01:19I've been trying this all afternoon and I can't make it do anything else
01:22No, it's like it's got a Uri Geller touch about it
01:26Oh
01:28Cool
01:28That's bizarre
01:31Well, that's really disappointing
01:33Yeah, baby
01:35I'm completely astounding
01:37We're all very disappointed
01:39Every single person has tried this
01:41Is there any money in it doing it wrong?
01:43I don't know what that
01:47I think it's just like
01:50I'm not putting it on purpose
01:51I'm not putting it on purpose
01:52I'm not putting it on purpose
01:53Yeah, that's good
01:55Yeah, that's good
01:55You found this over gravity perfectly though
01:59Last time, last time
02:00Last time
02:01Last time
02:01It's level, yes?
02:03Yeah
02:03Level
02:03It's going up
02:11I think Muhammad Ali said that didn't he?
02:14He was so fast he could get into bed before the light went off
02:17Yeah, I think someone said
02:18Just get a bedside light
02:20Yeah
02:20Yeah
02:20I just thought of those ones
02:23Oh, one of those
02:23You can clap when you're in bed
02:25And who doesn't make that?
02:26Ah, yes, but when
02:27That's very interesting then
02:28Because then you see
02:28What the sound
02:29You just turned the camera off
02:30What's that?
02:31You just turned the camera off
02:32Could you do two?
02:33Could you do two now?
02:35Thank you
02:36I'm sorry
02:39We used the same system
02:40We didn't expect anybody to clap
02:41What just happened?
02:43You turned the camera off by clapping
02:44Just the whole universe
02:45Just
02:51Don't clap
02:52What would happen?
02:57If
02:58No, I'm just saying
02:59It was rhetorical
03:00I was just saying
03:03There's a question
03:04What would happen?
03:04Steven?
03:05Discuss
03:07Let's see
03:08Whose house it is
03:11Now that's interesting
03:12Why do you think
03:13You can balance it
03:14With the centre of gravity so high
03:17Because we know what the centre of gravity is
03:18Because I'm a genius
03:19Yes
03:22That's right
03:22But if you try and do that
03:24From the bottom end
03:24But not grasping the brushes
03:26Literally just
03:26Balancing it on your palm
03:28It'll just fall over
03:29Not
03:29You must grasp it
03:32Hello
03:36That's really good actually
03:37Yes
03:39I was just going to
03:40I'm thinking the show is broom techie
03:41You might need a word after the brush
03:42I'm thinking the
03:51Has anyone ever tested to see how quickly asparagus makes you wheezy?
03:56Oh that's
03:56It's amazingly quick
03:57But there are some people to whom that doesn't have the effect
04:00Just as some people have their pee going red when they eat beetroot and other people don't
04:03I don't go red when I don't
04:04I don't
04:05Oh god no no not pee
04:07What are you talking about?
04:08Have you never had the disaster?
04:10What do you mean?
04:10Oh no the other juice
04:11Again we're back on shitting
04:13But I was having a poo one morning and turned around and it was bright red
04:18And I just thought well that's it
04:19That's arse cancer
04:42Arse cancer
04:43Well what would I mean if you just thought oh that's it
04:45And then you just go on a bender for five days
04:49I did
04:49Three days I didn't tell anyone I was a bit weepy
04:52Oh really?
04:53Oh
04:54And then mentioned it to somebody who said no have you been eating beetroot?
04:57And I had I bought a load of beetroot salad that was it
04:59I had very similar experience
05:02And I went oh my god
05:04And I'm an alien so I thought and then phoned the doctor they go we better bring a sample in
05:09So got a sample in the jar
05:11And went in the doctor's obviously keeping it out of sight
05:14And went up to the desk and they said name and you know Bailey and like that
05:23And they said what's it for?
05:24And I went it's an abnormal bowel movement
05:28I know
05:29Well what's the initial for?
05:30I went oh my gosh
05:34You've done that
05:35You've done that
05:35Oh
05:38Oh
05:39Now everyone knows what knees, knuckles and kidneys are
05:41But what's the point of these less familiar cave parts of the body?
05:46Kieselbacht plexus
05:47The valves of Kirchring
05:48The end bulbs of Krauser
05:51The balls of Cone
05:53That is the best nickname for someone's balls ever
05:57Behold, the end bulbs of Krauss!
06:02Kneel before the end bulbs of Krauss.
06:04These are all Star Trek movies.
06:09Star Trek 19, the bulbs of Kirk, Kisselberg's plexus.
06:13They have magnificent names.
06:15They are all parts of the human anatomy.
06:17The paws of Cone.
06:18The bell-ends.
06:20No, we're going to come to the bell-ends, Alan.
06:22Wait for the bell-ends, they will come.
06:24With the paws of Cone.
06:31I don't know what's going to come.
06:36I never know what's going to issue from me.
06:38It's another ringtone, I can't wait.
06:44That is Twitter in a nutshell.
06:48Who gave Moses the horn?
06:53Yes, Jimmy.
06:54His wife, Joan of Arc.
06:55Oh!
06:57That is a joke from Bill and Ted's big adventure.
06:59That would be fun.
07:00That was Noah's wife.
07:02Who was it?
07:03Moses.
07:04Oh, well, wrong Biblical, wrong patriarch.
07:07Is there a horn of plenty?
07:09No, it isn't.
07:09Do you happen to know which saint was the first to translate the Bible into Latin?
07:15Uh, was it Saint Lee?
07:18No!
07:19He was Saint Lee.
07:20But no, you either know this or you don't.
07:22It was Saint Jerome.
07:23And he made a few elementary errors.
07:27And I don't know if we have anyone in the audience called Karen.
07:30Do you have anyone called Karen?
07:31Yeah.
07:34Very good.
07:35Very good.
07:36But if there is a real Karen in the audience, you will know probably that your name means
07:39red light in Hebrew.
07:41But also the same word in Hebrew can mean horn.
07:45And so Saint Jerome chose to take the meaning that Moses got down the mountain with horns off
07:51instead of with shining radiant light.
07:54And so many artists, including Michelangelo, represented Moses as having horns.
07:58Those became...
07:59Classic Angelo.
08:02Anyway, Moses wasn't so much horny, he was more sort of shiny.
08:05So...
08:07What about these then?
08:09Let me see.
08:10The end bulbs of Krauser.
08:12The helmet.
08:13We have them on the genitalia in mulberry-like clusters, as a matter of fact.
08:18Mulberry-like clusters?
08:19Mulberry-like.
08:19We have a lot of them on the genitals.
08:21The little funny bits on the...
08:21Simple bits on the...
08:22On the...
08:24Right...
08:24That are all...
08:26What would you do, that?
08:28He's like...
08:28My sister.
08:30Yeah, those bits.
08:31Those bits.
08:32What's that?
08:33On that.
08:33Those little bits there and there.
08:35Oh, yeah.
08:35Here.
08:37You know, we need to take it out to go to the loo, right?
08:41And then you get the winch down.
08:43Don't have to take a stepladder to go to the loo.
08:46Hey.
08:47No, they're small on that, but they are incredibly sensitive to a particular condition.
08:51Lady.
08:51To what?
08:53Particular lady.
08:54Particular lady, no.
08:56We also have them all over the skin.
08:57Not just, but they are very concentrated on the genitalia for a particular reason.
09:00Particularly the male genitalia.
09:01They are very sensitive to the...
09:02The...
09:03The...
09:03You're swinging...
09:05Is that cheating?
09:08Yes.
09:09I have a special isolated camera above you.
09:11I just thought I'd warn you.
09:13Well, I do.
09:14Sorry, Colin.
09:17While we're in playful mood, I have one of my knick-knacks to show you.
09:21Ooh.
09:21Yes.
09:23Now, this...
09:24The great Lord Kelvin in the 1890s was wandering along a beach with a friend called Hugh Blackburn,
09:29who was a mathematician.
09:30They found a pebble and a surface on which to spin it, and they found it had a peculiar property,
09:34not one like this, which is called a tippy top.
09:36And you give it a spin.
09:38Ooh!
09:40Oh!
09:41Oh!
09:41It turns upside down.
09:42Now, what you sort of don't notice, because it's still going clockwise,
09:46but it's upside down, so it has reversed the direction of spin.
09:49Oh!
09:50And engineers and mathematicians like Bohr and Pauli were fascinated by this,
09:54and it is quite fun.
09:56You can have a go.
09:56That's what makes...
09:57There, you'll...
10:03We can show you some VT of it being done properly by one of our elves,
10:07and you can see a slightly better spin there.
10:09It keeps it...
10:11So this is about...
10:13You know where they were saying...
10:13And it's spin, it's still going that...
10:14Sorry.
10:15Where they were saying that the Earth axis is going to change,
10:18and that North's going to be South, it's much like this.
10:20Sorry, Lisa, is the world going to turn upside down?
10:22Apparently so.
10:24The magnetic fields will close.
10:26Okay.
10:27We'll...
10:27Soon?
10:28We'll swap.
10:29Just me.
10:29Tuesday.
10:30It's happening on Tuesday.
10:32I have some snuff for you to try in different flavours.
10:36You can see whether the lid is lying or not.
10:40Ah!
10:40There's special QI lids.
10:42You can take it if you want.
10:43You obviously inhale it up the nose.
10:46You do it all, right?
10:47All.
10:48Yes.
10:49You do it all, no.
10:51It's very sharp.
10:53It is.
10:54It's sharp.
11:14What's your flavour saying?
11:16It says Christmas pudding.
11:18You dropped Christmas pudding.
11:20The only time!
11:22No, no, no.
11:24No, no, no, no.
11:25No, no.
11:26Honestly, it's fine.
11:26It's fine.
11:27It's fine.
11:27Put it in your eyes.
11:34This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me on telly and I'll be
11:37like that the whole show.
11:40what do you reckon colin oh that is the this flavor says kitty litter
11:45that is awful you know i'm not a fan i'm not a fan it was it says champagne yeah they're
11:54different there's so many i mean hundreds thousands of different flavors or sorts as
11:59they're called what is it flavor yeah jealousy
12:06whiskey and honey whiskey and honey does it take yep you're really when you've come down
12:11i can't see anything who's talking to me your flavors your flavors madness the problem is
12:23it makes your snot brown so there's snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk handkerchiefs or dark colored
12:27signatures but that will really you'll see you'll go it will look as if you've wiped
12:34your ass i'm afraid
12:39from here looks like the turin shroud
12:43i can see the face of my lord
12:50you know you know it's snappy you're like oh he's sat in his hanky
12:59now let's test your beer goggles as it were we have a man in the audience who's just going
13:03to hold up a picture and i want you to tell me who's that of
13:05maryland monroe maryland monroe yeah you can see the picture behind there
13:09maryland monroe now um it's sam sam walk towards us if you be kind enough
13:12i don't think i don't think i wouldn't i thought i think it's supposed to look like her but i'm
13:17suspicious albert einstein albert einstein holy crap it is it is rather extraordinary it's
13:24they're related no
13:27they're in the same room brendan you hardly imagine they would be would you
13:32i think maryland monroe does have quite a bad facial hair problem
13:39from a distance the image does look like maryland monroe because what they do is it's created by
13:44the mit this illusion um the massachusetts institute of technologies i'm sure they remove maryland's
13:50fine-grained features like wrinkles and little blemishes and they remove einstein's coarser
13:56features like the shape of his mouth and nose and then they superimpose the two and from a
14:01distance we see all the just the broader strokes you see her maryland monroe and close up we see
14:06the fine details of albert einstein and we've done another version just to show this really does work
14:11it's not just maryland um who's that handsome man that's stephen fry i know him well that's me
14:19hooray and if you come towards us hello
14:22ah hello
14:27yay
14:30how about that
14:34oh yeah look at that
14:37that's fantastic isn't it it is an extraordinary illusion i hope they've done two of them so we
14:41can have one each yeah i want one in my house what distance do you want it though
14:44i want to be far away from it
14:51toss you for it um
14:53sorry
14:56i like the fact you can have words and they're both good old english words on this spigot
15:01spigot wonderful word yeah
15:03say it don't we had a mrs bigot on our street mrs bigot we didn't that was her actual name
15:07mrs bigot
15:08bigot oh marvel that's fantastic
15:10and what she was a double t oh right begot everyone was a bigot on our street
15:16i knew first of all mrs william she would say wiley and it literally was wi double l y oh
15:21my god
15:21mrs white that's wiley no joan willie joan willie
15:26we had a mrs penis oh no p n i s she had to come double l she had to
15:32come out of the phone book in the end
15:35has everybody right answer that is that mrs penis i know you boy you yeah crap you kids pesky barbie
15:41i feel bad i did that now
15:44yeah the rosy balls at school
15:49congratulations rose you're watching oh it's a clergy conference i met a father christmas
15:57i've met a mary christmas a mary christmas yeah in sligo it's a man called lovely man called dita
16:02dita christmas and he said this is my wife mary wow so knowing she married into her face
16:12now who fancies one of my knick-knacks to celebrate the beauty of chemistry i've got a
16:19bottle here of alcohol but this is not drinking alcohol i'm just gonna that was full at the start
16:25what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna make a cloud which i think you'll find is rather exciting
16:29i've got a pump here and i'm and i'm going to you to ask you to pump me which every
16:34monday
16:34that's it and by doing this i'll just make it evaporate a little and i'm going to stick the
16:40plunger in as soon as i can so i don't get too much now by pumping it in you're applying
16:43pressure
16:44to this there you go about about ten two three four five six seven eight nine ten that'll do
16:55is it gonna blow up there we go there we go and oh oh cloud i've made a cloud
17:07you can now make it disappear
17:15come back
17:15oh
17:21now what starts with k and is killed by curiosity it's a kitten
17:29i'm sorry it's an animal species but not a cat a lot of these begin with k's no but you're
17:37in the
17:37right hemisphere koala again you're in the right hemisphere not the right kiwi sorry kiwi
17:42you're in the right type of animal kia kia is the right answer very good a kia is a
17:49new zealand parrot no it's not flightless in this case oddly enough it's a parrot
17:52and there was a bounty put on them some years ago kia which as you can see look quite ravenous
17:58they
17:58look almost like eagles but they are parrots would ride the sheep and peck away and eat the fat of
18:04the
18:04poor sheep um and so there was a bounty put on their heads and new zealanders found
18:10kias were very curious animals this is partly a result of having grown up in a country with no
18:15mammals for millions of years anyway what you do is you stand behind a rock and wait for your
18:21kia to come along and then you drop behind the rock and disappear and the kia thinks that's odd
18:28and he wanders up and he takes a look over and you just with your club just go bang like
18:33that
18:33but then that's the beauty of it's you've really just started because you don't have to move you
18:36take the key and you put it down the kia's friend goes where's where's kevin
18:41it's kevin wanders round comes and i'll call kevin and then you drop down disappear again he goes
18:46hello what happened there was someone and then there wasn't someone how did that happen and he
18:50looks over back you know where's keith and then it's oh on and all the way through
18:54okay all the case you get a huge swag bag of kia wine doesn't taste as nice in a mug
19:01wine no
19:02that's very true and i think tea taste doesn't taste good out of that's because of the amount of air
19:06you take in yes that's probably true no no no it is true yes it's the thinness of the glass
19:21it's the amount of air you're taking as you sip if you like tea just make one cup in a
19:26glass and try
19:26the tea out of a glass it is divine absolutely because it minimizes my wife likes a thin a thin
19:32milk well that's all right that's your own business but i'm just saying
19:42i've just taken so much i'm getting a pummeling off these things
19:46sorry it was it was it is it's a hot volley they thought that fry and carol would be a
19:52doubler
19:54well that's why they taste wine they go yeah that's right to get the to maximize the air
19:59but is that your phone yes
20:10it has to come
20:11now it's time for one of my knick-knacks a little scientific experiment all i have to do
20:18yes i know it's terribly exciting isn't it is bring up this i don't know if you can see in
20:22here tiny
20:23little grains of a little kind of little crystalline matter and a bottle here um so
20:30vinegar oh it looks like something bizarrely that is what is used for flavoring salt building a sodium
20:36acetate it's got caustic soda and vinegar which is what makes sodium acetate and it's then dissolved
20:41slowly in water it's very unstable if i shook it it would instantly crystallize so it would be very
20:45careful about this but if you add it to crystals it also uh crystallizes and i hope to make a
20:50dildo for
20:50you oh good just out of this liquid i'm going to stand up to do it if the cabinet allows
20:55me to
20:55because it needs a steady hand and i need to keep rising as i'm slowly pouring it's a bit like
21:00making mayonnaise you know very slowly adding adding the uh it's nothing like making me no you're very
21:06slowly you're making a phallus you're very no no in terms of the making when it's the morning mother's
21:12day for something i'm slowly pour it can you see there's a tiny bit of uh crystal on there
21:17it's a really very very small amount okay here we are i'm gonna put a steady slow stream uh let's
21:23just
21:23hope it works
21:31what do i say
21:50it's not very easy to do be area accurate i've got to keep doing higher
22:02otherwise it'll touch itself and then it will blow back into the bottle but there you go
22:06there you go
22:17what is there to say about long-necked karen she's got lovely eyes
22:27always the first to see the nice one of those family fortunes ones isn't it we've had this before
22:33oh yes survey said name a bird with a long neck
22:44this is clearly not the amy
22:49karen is the answer here who's this karen is it a tribe
22:55tribe the karen tribe the karen tribe oh hello all right
23:04the neighbouring tracy tribe
23:09stay away from karen
23:15here come the gary's
23:20tribe we're talking about to the puddle karen tribe from
23:26do they put the rings around it exactly let's have a look over time there we are oh wow wow
23:33isn't that impressive looks like she's kind of been bright impressive
23:36if she takes it off
23:37with a slinky
23:40this is called giraffe at the end of the day
23:42well they can't
23:53beryl beryl why are the curtains on the oh
23:57you know when you have a jack in the box ready to go oh yeah
24:15ba-ding
24:15my mother-in-law makes absolutely no sound when she moves
24:23it's remarkable like jeeves
24:25she is the stealthiest person
24:28you've got a stealth mother-in-law and she sprayed black
24:31she could be a brilliant spy you know
24:35you might be in a room and you're looking at a thing or something and then suddenly she go hello
24:38poppy
24:40what
24:41come from where did you come from
24:43it's a long way from the door anybody would have got to have made a little noise
24:49that's terrible it's like the famous story of the boy who was you know having a play with
24:54himself in his bedroom and his eyes closed
24:56by the way i was not doing i was not playing
25:10he closes his eyes in bliss when he when he opens them afterwards he just finds a cup of tea
25:16next to
25:18he's not well your father always likes a cup of tea
25:34now we have something here's a some potassium iodide it's a catalyst for my next experiment
25:42yes my next experiment also involves me having for health and safety reasons to wear these
25:49cowabunga dude you look awesome
25:51mighty king
25:55stop it no i can tell from that sample you've had asparagus
26:02what that is is h202 does anyone know what h202 is water water
26:07water water double water it's h20 it's water with an extra oxygen molecule but it has a different name
26:15they're a good audience hydrogen peroxide well that's partly because three-quarters of the women
26:18have got blonde hair yeah but it's uh it's quite unstable and it's always trying to lose its extra
26:25molecule and turn to water and to oxygen gas and we've mixed it here with some
26:31ordinary detergents and washing up liquid so could you go and stand next to bill because it's not really
26:35violent but it's kind of well let's just say no no no no no no no no no no no
26:41no no no no no no no
26:42when Obama have a human shield it's all right no you don't you're not this side of him it's not
26:47my safety you can stand next to jeremy that's a good point it's that much nearer
26:55it's really that you'll see it's not going to be dangerous it isn't it isn't just hold me
27:03it's basically don't sit on my knees
27:09don't stop i like this are you ready do you want to count me down audience count me down from
27:14three
27:14three three three what comes
27:30close one
27:31is
27:35suggesting if i get some of that potassium that that will really make you perform in bed no
27:41Well, that's amazing.
27:44Magnificent.
27:47Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.
27:48It's going, yeah.
27:51There's a lot of horrible yellow at the edges there, isn't it?
27:53Yeah, it does get like that.
27:54Yeah, I know.
27:56So, good night.
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