- 2 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:16How about the other half?
00:00:18Eh?
00:00:19Another one of those.
00:00:20Oh, Ta, have you got a large one?
00:00:22I've had no complaints so far.
00:00:25Seeing's believing.
00:00:26You won't need a magnifying glass.
00:00:29Oh!
00:00:31Here we are.
00:00:33No, no, no, have it on me, if you know what I mean.
00:00:36Oh, you don't have to draw me any diagrams.
00:00:39Pity, she's going to get my ballpoint out.
00:00:42Yeah, and write your name in the frost with it, I suppose.
00:00:45Bottoms up.
00:00:46Is that what it is? You could have fooled me.
00:00:52Here you go.
00:00:55Hello, Cora.
00:00:56Harry.
00:00:57Usual, Ta.
00:00:58Oh, Vic, would you see to Harry?
00:01:00See to him?
00:01:01I thought he'd been seen to years ago.
00:01:02Well, Harry, how are they hanging?
00:01:04Empty.
00:01:04Soon fix that up, mate.
00:01:08Not for me, Ta. I've just had dinner.
00:01:11I hear you going on your holiday tomorrow, then.
00:01:14Yeah, yeah, just a weekend, that's all.
00:01:15All right for some.
00:01:17You taking the missus, too?
00:01:18No, she won't go abroad. Doesn't like flying, do you, love?
00:01:20All the same if I did, someone has to look after the pub.
00:01:22No, no, it's one of those package deals.
00:01:24Seventeen quid all in.
00:01:26Where, where are you going to?
00:01:27Oh, some new resort in the Med.
00:01:29Oh, for heaven's sake, Vic, why don't you tell him?
00:01:32It's a place called El's Bells.
00:01:34Right!
00:01:35Hey, El's Bells? The island?
00:01:38Yes.
00:01:39Tomorrow?
00:01:40Yes.
00:01:40Blimey, there's a coincidence for you.
00:01:42What is?
00:01:44Sadie's going there on the same trip.
00:01:48Get away.
00:01:49That's right, isn't it, Sadie?
00:01:50You're going to El's Bells tomorrow.
00:01:52Me?
00:01:54Oh, yes. I thought of going. Why?
00:01:57Well, old Vic's going on the same trip.
00:01:59Really? Well, fancy that.
00:02:04Have a good trip.
00:02:05Sure.
00:02:06Get off.
00:02:12Well, that's it.
00:02:13How about a nice cup of tea?
00:02:15You filthy rotten, stinking beast.
00:02:17What have I done now?
00:02:18Don't you come the innocent with me.
00:02:20You and that Sadie Tompkins.
00:02:22Are you going on the same trip too?
00:02:24Oh, well, fancy that. Yeah, fancy that.
00:02:26Well, I don't fancy that at all.
00:02:28What are you talking about?
00:02:30It's the first I've heard of it.
00:02:31Straight up.
00:02:32Don't lie to me.
00:02:33You've obviously both arranged it.
00:02:36Arranged it?
00:02:36If I'd known she was going to be there,
00:02:38I'd have cancelled the whole thing.
00:02:39Good.
00:02:40Because that's exactly what you're going to do.
00:02:42Well, as late as this, I'll lose my deposit money.
00:02:44You'll lose a damn sight more if you don't.
00:02:47Oh, have a heart, darling.
00:02:48You know I need this holiday.
00:02:49You wouldn't want me to go without it
00:02:51just because she's going to be there.
00:02:52If she's going to be there, you won't be going without it.
00:02:54What are you suggesting?
00:02:55God blimey, I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.
00:02:57No, but you wouldn't with anything else that came to hand.
00:03:00Oh, no wonder you've never minded going on holiday on your own.
00:03:03Now, just a minute.
00:03:04That's not true.
00:03:04You know very well I've always begged you to come with me.
00:03:06All right, then.
00:03:08I will.
00:03:09Flying.
00:03:11Flying.
00:03:12You don't like flying, remember?
00:03:13I don't like washing floors.
00:03:15But I'd still rather do that than you get some other scrubber.
00:03:19I'll see the travel agent first thing in the morning.
00:03:25Oh, dear.
00:03:26Afterdo, Miss Dobbs.
00:03:28Lovely day for it.
00:03:29That's what they all say, Mr Farquhar, but it won't get you anywhere.
00:03:32I meant for the Ells Bells trip, Miss Dobbs.
00:03:35Oh, thank you.
00:03:39I say, I'm awfully sorry.
00:03:41That's all right.
00:03:41Any time.
00:03:53Good afternoon.
00:03:54Lovely day for it.
00:03:56That's what they all say.
00:03:57I'll bet they do.
00:03:58Oh, did you mean the trip?
00:03:59No, no.
00:04:00Actually, what I meant was it was a...
00:04:01Never mind.
00:04:02It's Mr and Mrs Florence, and we're booked on the weekend to Ells Bells.
00:04:05If you'd like to take a seat, sir.
00:04:06You're not due to leave just yet.
00:04:09Oh, dear.
00:04:10Oh, dear.
00:04:10Oh, dear.
00:04:10Oh, dear.
00:04:10Oh, dear.
00:04:12Oh, dear.
00:04:12Oh, dear.
00:04:12Oh, dear.
00:04:16Oh, dear.
00:04:17How do you do?
00:04:18You girls going on the weekend to Ells Bells, then?
00:04:20Yeah, that's right.
00:04:21Oh, very nice.
00:04:22I'm Vic Florence.
00:04:23That's my wife.
00:04:24Oh, dear.
00:04:26Then, my love, better luck next time.
00:04:29The coach is here, Mr Farquhar, and some of the party.
00:04:32Oh, well, we may as well get them aboard straight away, then.
00:04:34Of course.
00:04:34Mr Farquhar, I do want you to know how thrilled I am to be with you this trip.
00:04:39I feel we're going to be just wonderful together.
00:04:41Please, Miss Plunkett, you're squashing my itinerary.
00:04:44Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
00:04:46I keep forgetting what a big girl I am now.
00:04:48Quiet.
00:04:48Shall we get them out now?
00:04:50Why, Mr Farquhar?
00:04:51The people for the coach, I mean.
00:04:54Those.
00:04:54Yes, of course.
00:04:56Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
00:04:58You may board the coach now.
00:04:59Have your tickets ready, please.
00:05:00Coach, but I thought we were going by air.
00:05:02We have to go in the coach to get to the airport.
00:05:05But you didn't say anything about coaches.
00:05:06I don't like going in them, either.
00:05:08Oh, good blimey.
00:05:09You're determined to have a good time, aren't you?
00:05:11Horace Dicky and Miss Mayes, thank you.
00:05:13I wish you both an extremely happy holiday.
00:05:14Oh, thanks.
00:05:15Come on, Marge.
00:05:22That's enough of that.
00:05:23I'm sorry, darling.
00:05:24Me arms are aching.
00:05:24Your eyes will be two by the time we're finished.
00:05:27Come on, Stanley.
00:05:28Hurry.
00:05:28Excuse me.
00:05:29Is this the Ellsbells coach?
00:05:30Oh, yes, that's right.
00:05:31Oh, good.
00:05:32Excuse me.
00:05:32Well, don't mind us.
00:05:34Right, Marge.
00:05:36Blunt.
00:05:36Mr and Mrs Stanley Blunt.
00:05:38Yes, Mrs Blunt.
00:05:38Do you have the tickets?
00:05:39Well, naturally.
00:05:40Do we look like storeways?
00:05:41No, no, not at all.
00:05:42But I had to collect them, you see.
00:05:43Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley.
00:05:45Yes, sir?
00:05:45Tickets.
00:05:46Tickets.
00:05:46Yes.
00:05:47In my trousers pocket there.
00:05:49Well produced there.
00:05:51Oh, why are you always so helpless?
00:05:56For heaven's sake, keep still.
00:06:04Back!
00:06:05The back pocket!
00:06:06Didn't you say so?
00:06:09There.
00:06:10Now, come along and stop making such an exhibition of yourself.
00:06:15Ah, good afternoon, sir.
00:06:16Your tickets?
00:06:17Here we are.
00:06:18Thank you, Mr. Flange.
00:06:20That's quite correct.
00:06:21You're travelling with Miss...
00:06:22Er, no, no.
00:06:23Mrs.
00:06:23Mrs. Flange.
00:06:24Mr and Mrs. Flange.
00:06:25Oh, that must be some mistake.
00:06:26I've got you downers with Miss Tunnel.
00:06:28No, no, no.
00:06:28That was all changed this morning.
00:06:30Oh, you mean you just got married!
00:06:32Oh, congratulations!
00:06:32No, no, no.
00:06:34I changed the booking.
00:06:35I was coming on me own to start with, and then she changed her mind.
00:06:38What's the trouble, Vic?
00:06:39Nothing, darling, nothing.
00:06:41You got it?
00:06:42Two tickets.
00:06:43Mr and Mrs. Flange.
00:06:44If you say so, sir.
00:06:45I do say so.
00:06:46Come on, darling.
00:06:52I hope there's some young ones.
00:06:54Oh, stop worrying, Marge.
00:06:56They told me there was a big party young blooms coming.
00:06:58I certainly hope so.
00:07:01Now, don't forget, Eustace dear, none of that oily food, and take your syrup figs regularly every night.
00:07:07Yes, mommy.
00:07:08But do stop worrying.
00:07:09I shall be quite all right.
00:07:10Oh, I do hope so, dear.
00:07:12But I shall be praying to him every night to keep your bowels open.
00:07:15That will not be necessary.
00:07:17It's the least I can do.
00:07:18Goodbye, dear.
00:07:19Goodbye, dear.
00:07:20And take care.
00:07:20Yes, dear.
00:07:25Ah, good afternoon, sir.
00:07:26Oh, hello.
00:07:28Have you got a ticket?
00:07:29Yes, I have.
00:07:30Have you?
00:07:31Of course.
00:07:32I'm the courier, sir, in charge of the party.
00:07:34How nice.
00:07:34Ah, Mr. Tuttle, you're travelling alone, I believe.
00:07:37Yes, I am.
00:07:38Mummy has to stay behind to look after the hamster.
00:07:40Oh, really?
00:07:41Yes.
00:07:42Left till over a second, they start meeting.
00:07:44Oh, how very interesting.
00:07:45No, it isn't.
00:07:46It's all over in a frack.
00:07:47Oh.
00:07:48I meant to tell you, dear.
00:07:50Keep your woolly vest on, even at night.
00:07:52Yes, mommy.
00:07:53And goodbye.
00:07:54Oh, and when you do go, always put plenty of paper down first.
00:07:58You will look after him, won't you?
00:08:00We look after everyone in a wonder time, madam.
00:08:02Yes, but he's not like the rest.
00:08:05I can certainly believe that.
00:08:06He's very delicate and not used to being away from home much.
00:08:09Excuse me.
00:08:10What is it?
00:08:11What do you want?
00:08:12You're blocking their passage, madam.
00:08:14Yes, and that would never do, would it?
00:08:16Oh, I'm sorry.
00:08:17That's all right.
00:08:18Goodbye, dear.
00:08:19Goodbye, mommy.
00:08:20Excuse me.
00:08:24Hello.
00:08:43Hello.
00:08:53Hello.
00:08:58Hey, son.
00:08:59Hey.
00:09:00Is this for the dirty weekend?
00:09:02This is the four-day trip to Ellsbells, if that's what you mean.
00:09:06Same difference, isn't it?
00:09:08Have you got a ticket?
00:09:09Certainly.
00:09:10And don't expect to get it for nothing.
00:09:11Not the holiday, anyway.
00:09:15Oh, Mr. Conway, yes.
00:09:16Would you like to have your seat on the coach?
00:09:17Well, I can't leave it behind, can I?
00:09:19Eh, eh.
00:09:20I'll need it to drive the old point home.
00:09:22Oh.
00:09:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:09:27Hello there.
00:09:29All ready for a wild weekend, eh?
00:09:34Ah, well.
00:09:35Maybe not.
00:09:41Hello.
00:09:47Well, where's all the crumper, then?
00:09:48I don't think they give us any tea.
00:09:51Ah, no.
00:09:53Women.
00:09:54Bugs.
00:09:55Oh.
00:09:56I did notice a couple of young ladies are back there.
00:10:01Oh, no, son.
00:10:02That's jailbait.
00:10:04That is.
00:10:05Touch me and I'll tell my dad's stuff.
00:10:09That looks a bit more like it.
00:10:11I'll just give her a hand with her bags.
00:10:14I love me.
00:10:17Oh, child.
00:10:19Be careful.
00:10:20It's not very well fastened.
00:10:24That's torn it.
00:10:27Oh, I'll do it.
00:10:30It took me a long time to get all that in there.
00:10:35A bit.
00:10:36Oh, no.
00:10:47We can't possibly leave yet.
00:10:49There's a party of twelve men to come.
00:10:52There.
00:10:52What did I tell you?
00:10:53Twelve of them.
00:10:54Miss Plunkett's just checking them now.
00:10:59Ah, it's all right.
00:11:00Here they come.
00:11:31Wow.
00:11:38Oh look.
00:11:39Oh, boy.
00:11:42I'm proud of you.
00:11:45Ah, it's all right.
00:11:48Oh, boy.
00:11:51Oh, boy.
00:11:53Oh, boy.
00:11:56Ah, boy.
00:11:56Oh, boy.
00:11:56Oh, boy.
00:11:56MUSIC PLAYS
00:12:20Please, please, walk in! Why not walk in there?
00:12:23Standing, leaning on shovels!
00:12:24What? Four or five stories yet?
00:12:28What?
00:12:29These English people coming for happy holidays, you very loving foreman.
00:12:34If you like, but we're not working like this.
00:12:36So, look at this.
00:12:38Let's go.
00:12:39No, no.
00:12:41It's nice here, though.
00:12:43I'm forgetting shovels, little shovels, small things.
00:12:54I don't want to see you.
00:12:56Floella!
00:12:57Floella!
00:13:01Floella!
00:13:04Floella!
00:13:06Floella!
00:13:07Floella!
00:13:10Floella!
00:13:11Floella!
00:13:12Floella!
00:13:13Floella!
00:13:14Floella!
00:13:15Floella!
00:13:16Floella!
00:13:19Floella!
00:13:23Floella!
00:13:28The people are here. What can I do? I've got enough troubles with this bloody stall, don't I?
00:13:35Well, this is our first guests. If we're not making success, we're getting the sacks from the owners.
00:13:41We've got to make the milk, don't we? Sure, sure, sure. Well, my complaint.
00:13:46My don't think we're no bloody food and no bloody stuff.
00:13:51OK, OK, it's my fault. We've got no bloody stuff. Where's Jojo?
00:13:56She's a bloody nose sitting on his bloody arse, I suppose.
00:13:59Jojo! Get off the bloody arse! It's the people's anger!
00:14:04Jojo! Jojo!
00:14:07Jojo!
00:14:08Jojo!
00:14:09See, Baba!
00:14:10Party!
00:14:10Waking up, making radies! Come on!
00:14:13People's coming.
00:14:14A load of sheets.
00:14:15See, Baba.
00:14:31Ladies and gentlemen, welcoming to Palace Hotels.
00:14:36Oh, we are in the right place, then.
00:14:39Yes. This number one first-class hotel on Ireland.
00:14:44Entering, please, but minding vet cements. This way.
00:14:56It's, uh, it's very loving's, no?
00:14:59Yes, I think, oh, you mean lovely, yes, very nice.
00:15:02It's all brand new. Tables not sat in, chairs not sat in, lavatory not...
00:15:07Yeah, we needn't go into that. Is the manager here?
00:15:09Yes, yes, I'll fetch him one moment.
00:15:19Yes, yes.
00:15:19Yes, well, I think we should be very comfortable here.
00:15:21Let's see.
00:15:22Yeah, it'll be all right when it's finished, I suppose.
00:15:23Well, I'm sure you won't allow a little thing like that to spoil your holiday.
00:15:28Welcoming! Ladies and gentlemen, welcomings.
00:15:30I am.
00:15:32Mr. Pepe.
00:15:32But you were the doorman.
00:15:34Me?
00:15:35No, no.
00:15:36That's Mario.
00:15:37My brothers.
00:15:38Oh, yes, I see.
00:15:40Well, I'm the representative of one du tour, Stuart Farquhar.
00:15:43Stupid what?
00:15:45Stuart.
00:15:46Stuart Farquhar.
00:15:47I think he was right the first time.
00:15:49Ah, you, Mr. Farquhar's, having letters for you.
00:15:53Oh, good.
00:15:53Stuart, I was willing to wonder if you're expecting us.
00:15:55Certainly I'm expecting.
00:15:57My wife, she's also expecting.
00:15:58Yes, well, um, and this hotel doesn't seem to be quite finished.
00:16:02Not finished?
00:16:03Oh, it's nothing.
00:16:04A little bit of building to finish.
00:16:06Four or five floors, maybe, or so.
00:16:08Four or five floors?
00:16:10You have got room for us, though.
00:16:12I'm glad you mention things.
00:16:13As a matter of fact, things.
00:16:15There's a very few rooms.
00:16:17Oh!
00:16:18The last is bloody stone!
00:16:20Oh!
00:16:20Excuse me.
00:16:21The, uh, chef is not speaking so good English at it yet.
00:16:24Perhaps you'd better show us the rooms you have got.
00:16:27Me?
00:16:27No, no, no.
00:16:28I fetch the porter.
00:16:30Porter!
00:16:34This way, please, ladies and gentlemen.
00:16:53Well, I, for one, think it is absolutely outrageous asking us to share a room just because we're married.
00:16:59Oh, I, I don't know, dear.
00:17:00I mean, uh, I thought it was quite reasonable in the circumstances.
00:17:03Oh, yes.
00:17:04I noticed you didn't offer any resistance.
00:17:05Any man with half an ounce of gumption would have refused.
00:17:09I wouldn't.
00:17:10Actually, I thought it might be quite fun.
00:17:12Fun?
00:17:13Fun!
00:17:13Well, after all, it is quite some time since we did it.
00:17:17Um, shared a room, I mean.
00:17:20Stanley, you are not going to try to use this as an excuse to start that nastiness again.
00:17:25No, dear, of course not, no.
00:17:27I should hope not indeed.
00:17:28You seem to forget I need a bit of peace and quiet.
00:17:30Well, I can assure you, dear, that I need a bit too.
00:17:33Yes, well, we'll just have to try and make the best of it, I suppose.
00:17:36Now, I am going to get undressed and have a nice hot bath.
00:17:40Oh, that's a jolly good idea, huh?
00:17:44Well?
00:17:45Yes, well, I'll, er, just go out onto the balcony.
00:17:55And don't forget to keep looking the other way.
00:18:12We've got a shower.
00:18:13Oh, well, that's something, I suppose.
00:18:15I'll open the windows, love, and let's get a breath of fresh air.
00:18:17That's a good idea.
00:18:27What's the matter with the bloomin' thing? It's stuck.
00:18:32Excusings, please. Are you liking towels?
00:18:34Yes, please.
00:18:35Er, excusings.
00:18:37Do you think you can do something about the windows?
00:18:39They won't open.
00:18:41Not openings?
00:18:42No.
00:18:46Holdings, please.
00:18:50One minute, please.
00:18:57Diseases, no?
00:18:59Thankings.
00:19:03Just a minute.
00:19:07Please, excuseings.
00:19:08You like towels?
00:19:10Stanley!
00:19:11Yes, dear? What is it?
00:19:13Oh, I say.
00:19:15For heaven's sake, Stanley, do something.
00:19:17Yes, dear.
00:19:19Dash it all.
00:19:21This isn't good enough.
00:19:23Can't you see that my wife's undressed?
00:19:25Yes, I see, I see.
00:19:27She's very loving.
00:19:29You're very lucky man.
00:19:30You think so?
00:19:31Yes, yes.
00:19:33He's a big hip.
00:19:35Just some more waist.
00:19:37And boom, boom.
00:19:38Stanley, will you get him out of here?
00:19:40Now, now, look here.
00:19:45I feel as though I were in a cattle market.
00:19:48First day, I see what you mean.
00:20:06Oh, hello.
00:20:08Ah!
00:20:10Stanley!
00:20:12Stanley!
00:20:13Coming, dear.
00:20:15Stanley, there is a man in our bath.
00:20:17What?
00:20:17What sort of man?
00:20:19What does it matter what sort of a man?
00:20:20They're all the same, aren't they?
00:20:21Oh, yes.
00:20:21Well, I'll just go and see what I say.
00:20:23I'm awfully sorry.
00:20:24Ah!
00:20:30I'm not worried, dear.
00:20:31It's only Mr. Tuttle.
00:20:32Well, what is he doing in our bathroom?
00:20:34Your bathroom?
00:20:35But it leads off my room.
00:20:36I think I'm going to go mad.
00:20:38No, no, hang on, please, before you go anywhere.
00:20:40I think I'd better go and check.
00:20:41I think I'll go back.
00:20:52Preceptions?
00:20:53Ah, yes.
00:20:53My wife has a complaint.
00:20:54You're wanting doctors?
00:20:56No, no, no, no.
00:20:57Not that sort of complaint.
00:20:58You see, she's just been to the bathroom,
00:20:59and there's a man in it.
00:21:01Ah, it's all right, it's all right.
00:21:02We're not making extra chargings for this.
00:21:04You don't seem to understand.
00:21:06This is meant to be a private bathroom, no?
00:21:08It's right.
00:21:08It's private between two rooms, no?
00:21:10But then that's hardly private, is it?
00:21:12Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley, give me that phone.
00:21:15Hello.
00:21:16I wish to make a strong complaint.
00:21:19I've never had a trip like that in all my life,
00:21:21and with such fearsome people.
00:21:23Have you ever seen anything like them?
00:21:25I swear they're all odd.
00:21:30Isn't that typical?
00:21:31Right.
00:21:31I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.
00:21:34Ah, lay off it, Rob.
00:21:35We're only here for four days.
00:21:36No, look, I've had enough.
00:21:37I am taking no more of this.
00:21:39Hello.
00:21:41Excuse me, please.
00:21:45Preceptions.
00:21:46I have a complaint to make.
00:21:48Complaint?
00:21:48Ah, one minute, please.
00:21:50I hand you over to room servicings.
00:21:53Hello, madames.
00:21:55About the bath.
00:21:55I'm handing you over to room servicings.
00:21:58Oh, for heaven's sake.
00:22:00Hello, hello.
00:22:01Ah, room service.
00:22:02And about time.
00:22:03Now, listen.
00:22:05My drawers have got no bottoms in them.
00:22:07What?
00:22:07Who's that?
00:22:09I want room service.
00:22:11But so do I.
00:22:12Get off the line.
00:22:14Room service?
00:22:15The rooms are.
00:22:15It's about our bathroom.
00:22:24Ah.
00:22:30It's about our bathroom.
00:22:37Ah!
00:22:37Hello?
00:22:37Hello?
00:22:38I've just found there's no back to my wardrobe.
00:22:41What?
00:22:41What?
00:22:42Who is that?
00:22:43Is that room service?
00:22:44Room service?
00:22:44I wish to report a man in my bath.
00:22:47Oh, go away.
00:22:48Go away!
00:22:50Mind if I shower first?
00:22:52Oh, please.
00:22:52Go ahead.
00:22:52I'm going to wash my hair.
00:22:53Thanks.
00:23:01Hello?
00:23:51Blimey.
00:23:53Mick! What are you doing in here? Get out of here!
00:23:56I'm sorry. If I'd known you were in here, I wouldn't have come, would I?
00:23:59Yes, all right, all right. Just get out of here, quick, before somebody comes in.
00:24:03You haven't got any soap on that bit.
00:24:07Get out of here!
00:24:08You see, I thought this was our private bathroom. I didn't realise there was a door there and another door...
00:24:15What do you think of that? I've never been so shocked and humiliated in me life. Where's the phone?
00:24:32Well, everyone seems happy enough now, I'm glad to say. There is one matter I would like to take up
00:24:38with you, Monsieur Pepe.
00:24:39No, no, no, it's not Monsieur Pepe. I'm getting him. You take him.
00:24:43For me?
00:24:43Yes, it's room servicing!
00:24:45Oh, I see. Here.
00:24:49Hello, room service.
00:24:50There is a man in my bath.
00:24:53With no bottom.
00:24:54And nothing on the other side.
00:24:56And as I bent over.
00:24:57He was standing there. Stalkers.
00:24:59And when I pressed the thing.
00:25:01And tried to plug it in.
00:25:02Sand shot out of it.
00:25:03And shot me from head to foot.
00:25:06And now it won't work at all.
00:25:08Just one moment, please.
00:25:12Help!
00:25:14Help!
00:25:15Help!
00:25:17Help!
00:25:18A lovely night, anyway.
00:25:20Isn't it funny how everything looks better in the moonlight?
00:25:22It's a pity we didn't have it in our bathroom earlier on, then.
00:25:25Oh, I mean, don't keep on about it. How was I to know we shared a bathroom with her?
00:25:29You need not have struck up a conversation with her.
00:25:31A gentleman would have left immediately.
00:25:33I was very embarrassed, straight up.
00:25:35I didn't know which way to look.
00:25:36You mean at which one?
00:25:38Yeah.
00:25:38Oh, now, this is ridiculous.
00:25:40I bet you're always the same when you go abroad.
00:25:42You become an animal.
00:25:44Right.
00:25:44Well, there's only one way to deal with that, then.
00:25:47And where are you going?
00:25:48To get myself doctored.
00:25:54Yoo-hoo!
00:25:56Hello, girls.
00:25:57Hello, Mr. Tuttle.
00:25:58I say, how about another little game before dinner, eh?
00:26:03No, thanks, Mr. Tuttle. Come along, Marge.
00:26:05Oh, hey, I'll get you!
00:26:11I think I'll get a breath of fresh air before supper, brother Marge.
00:26:16Good evening.
00:26:20Hello there.
00:26:21You having one?
00:26:22Yes, Nick.
00:26:23I'll have a beer.
00:26:24What's it like?
00:26:25To tell you the truth, I cannae make up my mind whether it's nuts or cats.
00:26:29You're making me homesick.
00:26:30Oh, no, Mr. Tuttle, no more. You're too old for it.
00:26:34Oh, come on.
00:26:36You do enjoy it?
00:26:38I don't.
00:26:39Oh, just once more.
00:26:41Bend over, dear.
00:26:42All right, Nick. This is the last time.
00:26:45Here I come!
00:26:49Oh!
00:26:49Oh, please let me help you.
00:26:56Oh, thank you.
00:26:58I can manage.
00:27:00Oh, all right.
00:27:01I'd like to apologize for that wardrobe business.
00:27:03Don't bother. I hope you enjoyed what you saw.
00:27:06Oh, yes. I mean...
00:27:08Oh!
00:27:09Oh!
00:27:10Will you let go of me?
00:27:12Oh!
00:27:24Here's your skirt! Your skirt!
00:27:26Oh, it wasn't his fault. It was an accident.
00:27:33I'll see to him.
00:27:39Poor girls. I think I'll go and give them a hand.
00:27:41I'm sure they can manage quite well enough without your help.
00:27:48James!
00:27:49Get a load of that, then!
00:27:55That's the best bet of the lot, son.
00:27:58How are you now?
00:27:59Well, I got the old green light, didn't I?
00:28:02You did?
00:28:03Begging for it.
00:28:05Pity.
00:28:06Pity? What do you mean, pity?
00:28:07Makes that a bit awkward, don't you?
00:28:09You know what happened to her husband.
00:28:10What did him do?
00:28:16Rat poison?
00:28:17You talking that?
00:28:18Aye, don't you believe her?
00:28:19Oh, yes, yes. Sure, sure.
00:28:21I was just thinking of her first husband.
00:28:22Nasty business.
00:28:23Why? What happened to him?
00:28:28With an axe.
00:28:30Next morning, I found him dead in the swimming pool.
00:28:33Hey, George, give us a large whiskey.
00:28:41A good evening, a good evening, everybody.
00:28:44And what a lovely wine it is.
00:28:47There he is now.
00:28:48Go on, tell him.
00:28:49Uh, uh, yes.
00:28:50Uh, Mr. Farquhar, uh, my wife,
00:28:54well, that is, we, uh,
00:28:56well, the fact is, you see,
00:28:57we're not altogether happy about the, uh,
00:29:00well, that is, um...
00:29:01Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley.
00:29:04What my husband is trying to say
00:29:05is that we think that this is
00:29:06the most appalling hotel
00:29:07in which we have ever stayed.
00:29:09Peoria.
00:29:10Oh, no, don't be like that.
00:29:13After all, we're the first guest
00:29:15they've ever had.
00:29:15They're bound to have teething troubles.
00:29:17They've got more teething troubles
00:29:19than a crocodile with Peoria.
00:29:21I am confident
00:29:22that things will get better.
00:29:24Aye, they need to.
00:29:25If I'm gonna get a shower
00:29:26every time I take a leak.
00:29:28Now, now, I think we'll all feel
00:29:30a lot better when we've had
00:29:31a good dinner.
00:29:34I can't do with the flooding thing.
00:29:37If we are going to get any dinner.
00:29:44Why do we have to have a cock staff?
00:29:47Why can't we have electricity?
00:29:51How many more times?
00:29:54Because cock is more dependable
00:29:56than the electricity.
00:29:57But it don't burn, look!
00:30:00Mama, Mama!
00:30:01All it's needing
00:30:02is methylated spirits.
00:30:04Oh, why cock?
00:30:06Mama, what are you...
00:30:09So, cock?
00:30:11Cock!
00:30:14Ah!
00:30:18Excuse me, Monsieur Pepe.
00:30:20We were wondering about dinner.
00:30:22They're all waiting.
00:30:23I'm sorry, Mr. Farkey House.
00:30:25It's late, I know,
00:30:26but we are having troubles
00:30:27with the stove.
00:30:28Ah.
00:30:28It's all cock, you see.
00:30:29I beg your pardon?
00:30:31Yes, and with no wind,
00:30:32cock is not burning something.
00:30:33Oh, you mean coke, coke stove.
00:30:35Yes, it's right, cock stove.
00:30:37But not to worry, it's all right now.
00:30:39Soon, you'll have first class
00:30:41number nine dinners.
00:30:42Number nine?
00:30:42Oh, good.
00:30:43With free wines for everyone.
00:30:45Excellent, I'll tell them.
00:30:46Good.
00:30:47Sure do!
00:30:47Ah!
00:30:48Putting one bottle on each table
00:30:50with the compliments
00:30:51of the mismanagement.
00:30:53Yes, Papa?
00:30:55Mama, Mama!
00:30:56Hurry with the zoops!
00:30:59If you'd all like to take your place,
00:31:01this is your find the seeds,
00:31:02clearly now.
00:31:02It's all right.
00:31:04Are you tweeting?
00:31:04Yes, I'm tweeting.
00:31:06Ah.
00:31:14Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:31:17Bon appetit.
00:31:18Bon appetit.
00:31:20Bon appetit.
00:31:23Well, it seems as though we're sitting with you.
00:31:26Oh, well, that's the luck of the draw.
00:31:27I haven't been introduced.
00:31:29My name is Blunt.
00:31:31Stanley Blunt.
00:31:32This is the wife Evelyn.
00:31:34Delights to meet you.
00:31:36Vic?
00:31:38Vic!
00:31:39What?
00:31:40How about an introduction?
00:31:42What are you talking about?
00:31:43You know me.
00:31:44To Mr. and Mrs. Blunt.
00:31:46Who are they?
00:31:47Oh!
00:31:49How do you do?
00:31:49I'm Vic.
00:31:50Vic Flange.
00:31:52This is the wife.
00:31:53Don't laugh.
00:31:54Ha ha ha ha!
00:31:59Oh!
00:32:00I'm with you.
00:32:05That's nice.
00:32:06I expect it's because we're the only ones on our own.
00:32:09Well, I'm not my own.
00:32:10I'm with Tuttle.
00:32:11Oh, I see.
00:32:12No, he's supposed to sit here with us.
00:32:14Oh, well.
00:32:15There is safety in numbers.
00:32:16I hope so.
00:32:20Vino.
00:32:21Ah!
00:32:22Excellent.
00:32:22The wine.
00:32:23Spanish type.
00:32:25Australian French Burgundy.
00:32:27Produce of Hong Kong.
00:32:38Clumsy.
00:32:41A beautiful wine for a beautiful lady.
00:32:46Well, was that supposed to be a compliment?
00:32:49Better taste the wine first.
00:32:51Ha ha!
00:32:53Better watch it.
00:32:53You'll be pinching your bottom next.
00:32:55Not for me, thank you.
00:32:57No?
00:32:57Don't drink?
00:32:58No, I tried it once and didn't like it.
00:33:00Oh.
00:33:01Have a smoke?
00:33:02I tried it once and didn't like it.
00:33:05Great.
00:33:06Not at all.
00:33:06My daughter is just the same.
00:33:08Your only child, I presume.
00:33:09Ha ha ha!
00:33:10Yeah!
00:33:11Ha ha ha!
00:33:18Oh!
00:33:19Ha ha!
00:33:20Just in the nick of!
00:33:21Ha ha!
00:33:23Hello!
00:33:26Hot zoops!
00:33:29It's good.
00:33:31Better get in quick before it evaporates.
00:33:34For what we are about to receive, O Lord, make us truly thankful.
00:33:41I don't think he could have heard you.
00:33:50What is this?
00:33:52Soups.
00:33:52Soups?
00:33:53Ah, what you're calling brown bristles.
00:33:55No, Windsor.
00:33:56Brown Windsor.
00:33:57Yes, yes.
00:33:58It's good, no?
00:33:59No, we expected some foreign food.
00:34:02Foreign food?
00:34:02That's foreign.
00:34:03You're not thinking Wheatings is rubbish.
00:34:05Oh, rubbish.
00:34:06Well, I certainly hope you show a little more imagination with the main dish.
00:34:10Ah, is that the specialities of the house?
00:34:12Ah.
00:34:13Sausage, bins, and chippings.
00:34:15Is that all?
00:34:16Oh, there's plenty.
00:34:17But isn't there a choice?
00:34:19Choice?
00:34:19Of course you're having choices.
00:34:21You can have sausage and chippings, sausage and bins, or bins and chippings.
00:34:26That's choices.
00:34:31Choices, yeah?
00:34:33No, not again.
00:34:34Mama, mama, why are you not using methylatings like I'm telling you?
00:34:39Is no good.
00:34:41Is good.
00:34:43Standing back.
00:34:45Look.
00:34:46Back.
00:34:48Oh.
00:34:49What's happening?
00:34:51This is not mesolating divinos.
00:34:53Bloody fools.
00:34:55Oh.
00:34:56Oh.
00:34:56Oh.
00:34:56Oh.
00:35:05These excusings, there's slight technical itchings.
00:35:09schöne, unago!
00:35:12Oh.
00:35:12Oh, for heaven's sake let's open the windows.
00:35:18Oh!
00:35:19Oh!
00:35:19Oh, I've been bit!
00:35:21Oh!
00:35:21This skate does millions of them.
00:35:23Oh, my God!
00:35:25Oh!
00:35:28Oh!
00:35:30Oh!
00:35:31Well, everything is all right now, no?
00:35:34Oh!
00:35:35Oh!
00:35:36Oh!
00:35:37Oh!
00:35:37Oh!
00:35:37Oh!
00:35:38Oh!
00:35:38Oh!
00:35:40Oh!
00:35:46Oh!
00:35:47Oh!
00:35:48Oh!
00:35:48Oh!
00:35:48Oh!
00:35:49Oh!
00:35:50Oh!
00:35:53Oh!
00:36:14What the hell is that?
00:36:19Five o'clock!
00:36:26Oh!
00:36:27It's five o'clock!
00:36:36Stanley!
00:36:40Stanley!
00:36:45Oh!
00:36:49Do you want something, dear?
00:36:51Will you get out of bed and do something about that dreadful noise?
00:37:00Oh!
00:37:01Oh!
00:37:01My head is splitting!
00:37:03Oh!
00:37:03What a shocking noise!
00:37:05Can you hear it too?
00:37:08I'm not standing for that!
00:37:14I'm not standing for it!
00:37:16In the woods!
00:37:17Two o'clock!
00:37:20Ah!
00:37:22Two o'clock!
00:37:29Two o'clock!
00:37:31Two o'clock!
00:37:34Three o'clock!
00:37:36One o'clock!
00:37:39One o'clock!
00:37:42Come on, you might as well get out of bed.
00:37:54Lily, what?
00:38:11Vic! Vic! Look up there!
00:38:27Lyra!
00:38:28What is it?
00:38:29Look out!
00:38:33Oh, really? Haven't they ever seen anyone washing before?
00:38:38Mr. Pepe, I want a word with you.
00:38:40Mr. Farky House, if it's for complimenting on breakfast, it was nothings.
00:38:45Oh, you're so right, it was nothings. No, it's about all this building noise.
00:38:49It's all right, Mr. Farky House. Work is now stopped till Monday morning.
00:38:53Oh, well, that's one blessing.
00:38:55I understand it, sir. You like a piece?
00:38:58No, not just at the moment, thank you.
00:39:00Peace and quiet, no noises.
00:39:03Oh, yes. Yes, exactly.
00:39:05Okay.
00:39:09Ah.
00:39:11Welcome, sir.
00:39:13You two on your own here?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:15Yes? What about it?
00:39:17You like to meet nice girls? Elsebrels, eh?
00:39:19Yeah, great.
00:39:20Certainly not.
00:39:23What kind of a person do you think I am, anyway?
00:39:31I have never had such a night. I am absolutely covered with bites.
00:39:34What have you been up to, you old devil?
00:39:37Mosquito bites, look.
00:39:40Trouble with mosquitoes, no taste.
00:39:42I mean, they don't care whom they bite.
00:39:44Well, one thing's certain, they're eating better than we are.
00:39:47I think I'm going up to change now.
00:39:49And in the meantime, Stanley, I do wish you'd do something about our room.
00:39:52I was cold in the night and there was no hot water.
00:39:54The toilet doesn't flush.
00:39:56That coffee is cold.
00:39:57Oh, and that sun is too hot.
00:40:01Apart from that, she's having a wonderful time.
00:40:11Yes, well, I think I'll just go up and grab a bit of fun.
00:40:13Uh, sun.
00:40:16Bring my sun cream when you come.
00:40:18All right, love.
00:40:22Do you know, Mrs. Lange, you're an extremely handsome woman.
00:40:27Really?
00:40:28I might even go so far as to say, desirable.
00:40:32Fancy.
00:40:33Another roll?
00:40:34Do you believe in free love?
00:40:36I prefer bacon and eggs.
00:40:37Uh, two rolls, I mean.
00:40:38You're not answering my question, Mrs. Flemm?
00:40:41Not so fattening.
00:40:42Do you believe in free love?
00:40:44Well, I'm certainly not paying for it.
00:40:53Mr. Blunt!
00:40:54I'm sure your wife wouldn't like that.
00:40:56That's just it.
00:40:58She doesn't.
00:40:59Yes, well, I think I'll go to my room.
00:41:01Good idea.
00:41:04Five minutes?
00:41:05Yes.
00:41:06No!
00:41:06No, I'll...
00:41:08I'll see you down here later.
00:41:21What are you doing here?
00:41:24I've just come to have a little talk with you, that's all.
00:41:27Well, I don't want to waste time talking to you.
00:41:30Well, that's good.
00:41:31Because I've only got a couple of minutes.
00:41:32Oh, no, you don't.
00:41:33What's the matter?
00:41:34I've got a bone to pick with you, Vic Flange.
00:41:36Fine.
00:41:36I could deal with a nibble.
00:41:38I had a chat this morning with Bert Conway.
00:41:40What about it?
00:41:41And he said that you told him I drowned my first husband in a swimming pool.
00:41:45So what?
00:41:45You told him you poisoned your second one, didn't you?
00:41:47Well, that was before I knew he was the only available man on this trip.
00:41:50Oh, Abba Hart said it.
00:41:52It wasn't my fault my wife decided to come with her.
00:41:54Well, I didn't invite her, did I?
00:41:56What did you tell Conway?
00:41:57The truth.
00:41:57You know perfectly well what my husbands were.
00:42:00Yes, they were both firemen.
00:42:01That's right.
00:42:02And both of them died on the job.
00:42:05Oh, Sadie, just a minute, Sadie.
00:42:07Vic, you're in the bathroom.
00:42:08Oh, God bloody.
00:42:09Get back inside, quick.
00:42:13I, er...
00:42:13I think you dropped something.
00:42:15No.
00:42:18I, er...
00:42:19Good thing I happened to come along because, er...
00:42:20You might not understand.
00:42:22Oh, Cora.
00:42:22Cora, just a minute.
00:42:25I say, that's rather interesting, you know, Brother Bernard.
00:42:28There are directions here for finding the tomb of Saint Cecilia, the founder of our order.
00:42:33Oh, that's nice.
00:42:34Yes, isn't it?
00:42:35It is believed to lie in the middle of the island, about five miles north of the port of Elspel.
00:42:40You know, if we follow them, I think we might get somewhere.
00:42:44Do you think we should?
00:42:45Oh, well, that is, er, what we came for, isn't it?
00:42:48Is it?
00:42:49I thought we were going to find the tomb of Saint Cecilia.
00:42:51That is what I am talking about.
00:42:54Oh.
00:42:54I'm sorry, Brother Martin.
00:42:55I was thinking of something else.
00:42:57If we made an early start, you know, perhaps we could get to the village in good time and, er,
00:43:01have lunch there.
00:43:02You fancy that, Brother Bernard?
00:43:03Not half.
00:43:05Good.
00:43:05Well, let's get started, then.
00:43:07What?
00:43:07What?
00:43:08Are we going?
00:43:08Well, of course we're going.
00:43:09I've just said so.
00:43:10Oh.
00:43:11Well, I just finished my coffee.
00:43:12All right, we'll all meet in front of the hotel in ten minutes' time.
00:43:19Hello.
00:43:20Hello.
00:43:21Lovely, isn't it?
00:43:23Yes, beautiful.
00:43:27Come along, Nicholas.
00:43:29You promised to help me do my hair?
00:43:30Ah, push on.
00:43:32I see.
00:43:46Oh.
00:43:47Oh.
00:43:48Hello.
00:43:49Good morning.
00:43:50I'd just like to apologise to your friend about her skirt last night.
00:43:54Oh, forget it.
00:43:55Shhh.
00:43:56Why don't you get some clothes off and get some suns?
00:43:59Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
00:44:00Are you really a clergyman?
00:44:02No, I'm a brother.
00:44:03Oh.
00:44:04Oh, you mean a monk?
00:44:05Well, not exactly.
00:44:07It's an order.
00:44:08We do missionary work.
00:44:09Oh.
00:44:09Saving fallen women and all that, you mean?
00:44:11Well, that's part of it, I suppose, yes.
00:44:13How many of you saved?
00:44:14None.
00:44:15I've only just joined.
00:44:16Oh, well, if it ever started Lily and me, too late.
00:44:19Well, I know that.
00:44:21What I mean is, I'm sure you're both capable of taking care of yourselves.
00:44:25I haven't got much option on this holiday.
00:44:27What do you do my back for me?
00:44:28What?
00:44:30Oh, yes, of course.
00:44:39Oh, that's smashing.
00:44:46Brother Bernard!
00:44:48Oh!
00:44:52Lord Amorov!
00:45:03Oh!
00:45:04Oh, that morrow!
00:45:08Good morning, Mrs. Blunt.
00:45:16Stanley oh yes my dear I'll have my chair over there oh
00:45:25Oh Bert you must tell me about your hobby I just adore old Prince really I've got a couple of
00:45:31beauties
00:45:32it's not just that oh see how's that yeah no too much in the Sun oh thank you
00:45:44yeah right then what Nadia too much in the shade
00:46:03don't bother to ask me if I'd like a chair I wasn't going to oh Cora come here don't be
00:46:10stupid
00:46:17morning everybody hang on wait a minute let me give you a hand with it oh I can manage thank
00:46:26you
00:46:32how may I help you mrs. land oh thank you very much mr. Blount
00:46:46thank you
00:47:24hello hello good morning everybody
00:47:28what a lovely day oh well yeah that's right enjoy the sunshine that's something you can't muck up
00:47:37ah well Wonder Tours especially chose Ellsbells for the perfect holiday weekend because it's
00:47:42wonderful sunshine record
00:48:06it's no good blaming me it wasn't my fault we couldn't find the wretched tomb perhaps it got
00:48:11buried or something well of course it got buried you fool it's an underground tomb well maybe we'll
00:48:14have better luck tomorrow if we don't have to spend half the day looking for a toilet for you
00:48:18well I couldn't help that after all I'm only human sometimes I doubt that very much here that was
00:48:25underground do you suppose that it could have well it was just a thought still raining I'm afraid I loathe
00:48:34of excursions platesing around filthy foreign markets sitting around sordid nightclubs yes well I mean
00:48:40now you don't have to go if you don't want to do you oh I should be quite all right
00:48:47on my own what else is there to do sit around here all night doing crosswords yes well Izzy getting
00:48:53on for seven o'clock dear oughtn't you to be you know I am waiting for you to go so
00:48:57that I can get dressed
00:49:14I don't know why you keep encouraging that thing Mitch oh he's nice I knew it was a mistake coming
00:49:21on holiday with you anything in trousers look who's talking anyway it's not wearing trousers
00:49:54do you mind if I sit next to you oh
00:49:56not at all mr. Blunt I feel you're the only person I've really got anything in
00:50:01common with on this trip well thank you very much it's very nice of you to say so mrs.
00:50:05Fleur good now I've heard everything well thank goodness it stopped raining anyway
00:50:13right everyone here miss Blunkett yes I think so what about your wife mr.
00:50:17Blunt oh that's all right she's not coming she um she has a headache makes a change from a pain
00:50:23in the
00:50:23neck wait for me wait for me wait for me all right driver off we go
00:50:41have they gone yes oh I'm a sorry lady oh how dare they where is monsieur Pepe not here
00:50:48they were they were gone out for the evening am I going to do could Stanley do this to me
00:50:55how
00:50:55could he uh just a minute lady please you like champagne yeah make you feel very good very happy
00:51:06oh no I never yes all right I will thank you Georgiou oh cool cool
00:51:33excuse me mister you like postcards very interesting oh yes miss Blunkett didn't you want a
00:51:38postcard to send to your mother yes thank you oh oh any good no I'm afraid they're quite unsuitable
00:51:47oh they're naughty ones do let me see certainly not you filthy beast be off with you before I call
00:51:51the police I'm terribly sorry miss Blunkett I should have known better what can you do with a man like
00:51:57that nothing I can think of but I know what you could do with a man like me mr.
00:52:01Schlange may I remind you you have your wife here yep that's what you could do with a man like
00:52:05me
00:52:08oh Bert you mustn't it's much too expensive nonsense here let me put it on for you
00:52:16thank you
00:52:20you've got to have the matching bracelet too oh no mustn't oh come on let me put it on for
00:52:26you
00:52:26oh there you go look all right it's beautiful you know I can buy everything here oh look at this
00:52:38lovely lace set oh very nice here let me put it no thanks you've brought me quite enough I wonder
00:52:48what this is Santa Cecilia's elixir oh some kind of local quack medicine I suppose oh no no sir
00:52:54he's no medicine he's for more look you're for making a plenty of passion you know I you try sir
00:53:06is good
00:53:10drinky drinky well anything happened
00:53:33I wonder what that place is over there the one with the red light outside
00:53:39oh I expect that's the local fire station
00:53:43there are girls in there
00:53:46oh I expect they're the fire bells
00:53:49oh Stanley you're so witty oh look
00:53:55hello
00:53:57come in
00:53:59come in and have some fun
00:54:02come on boys come in
00:54:07that was a delicious meal Giorgio perfect
00:54:12and for a perfectly delicious lady
00:54:16do you know I'm glad I missed that horrid bus now
00:54:19I too am glad
00:54:24may I please
00:54:25oh well it's been some time since I
00:54:28yes please
00:54:29yes
00:54:29yes
00:54:29yes
00:54:30yes
00:54:31yes
00:54:31yes
00:54:32yes
00:54:58yes
00:55:06Well, here we all are, everybody enjoying themselves, eh?
00:55:10No.
00:55:11Oh, how about you?
00:55:13No.
00:55:13Well, never mind. We'll be off to the nightclub in a few minutes.
00:55:18Well, my wife, what have you done with her?
00:55:20Me, Mr. Flange? I'm afraid I haven't the foggiest idea.
00:55:23Don't give me that. She was that twit blunt, didn't she? Anything!
00:55:26I really don't know, Mr. Flange.
00:55:28Oh, there's Miss Plunkett. Perhaps she'll know. Miss Plunkett!
00:55:32Coming, Mr. Farquhar.
00:55:35Let's see. How many more are we to come?
00:55:37I'm not leaving without my wife. When is she?
00:55:39It's all right, Mr. Flange. All right.
00:55:43Go on, go on, go on, go on.
00:55:46You insult them, my fine ladies.
00:55:48We were only playing leapfrog.
00:55:51Porco, pig!
00:55:53That settles it.
00:55:57Oh, no, Mr. Tuttle! They'll kill him.
00:56:00We'd better get in there, quick.
00:56:02The best idea I've heard today.
00:56:04All I mean, hang on, wait for me.
00:56:07Mr. Tuttle's in there.
00:56:09What is it? What's going on?
00:56:10Poor Mrs. Flange, your husband. He's in there.
00:56:12What?
00:56:12This was Mr. Conway and Mr. Tuttle.
00:56:14Oh, well, he's coming right out of there.
00:56:16Oh, okay, good morning, good morning.
00:56:17You什麼'd?
00:56:18That's not really good!ahnemone,
00:56:21you support the save! Put him down!
00:56:24Get up, get
00:56:25up! You creeps!
00:56:33Nicholas! Nicholas,
00:56:34come back! You'll get hurt!
00:56:53Please, Miss, let him go.
00:56:55I'll stop or go rescue somebody else.
00:56:57Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:57:00Get off him!
00:57:09No, come away.
00:57:11Listen, dear.
00:57:15Oh, dear.
00:57:21Oh, dear.
00:57:23Get off him!
00:57:27Get off him!
00:57:29Get off him!
00:57:46Excuse me.
00:57:53Get off him!
00:58:00Take you here, I hope!
00:58:02No!
00:58:03Ah!
00:58:04Ah!
00:58:05Ah!
00:58:05Ah!
00:58:06Ah!
00:58:06Ah!
00:58:07Ah!
00:58:10Ah!
00:58:10Ah!
00:58:10Ah!
00:58:11Ah!
00:58:17Ah!
00:58:23Ah!
00:58:24Ah, yes, please.
00:58:25Please, let me handle this.
00:58:27Ah!
00:58:27Ah!
00:58:27Ah!
00:58:29Now then, to start off with, I feel I should point out that we are all British subjects.
00:58:34Oh, I know.
00:58:35And you have my deepest sympathy.
00:58:38Yes, quite.
00:58:39Well, I don't want to make an international incident out of this, of course.
00:58:43Oh, well, that is most kind of you, sir.
00:58:45But I must protest most strongly about being detained in this way.
00:58:50Naturally, sir.
00:58:50I realized you were only doing what you thought to be your duty, and provided you release us immediately, I
00:58:56think I can safely promise you, you will hear no more abutting things.
00:59:01Oh, that is a most kind gesture, sir.
00:59:04I think we can safely make it.
00:59:06And now I will show you that I too can make an appropriate gesture.
00:59:10Yes.
00:59:13Damned filth.
00:59:14How dare you? Do you know what you just did?
00:59:17Well, that is a fine old British gesture, no?
00:59:19You've tried my patience too far. I know about you people giving a uniform and they go power mad.
00:59:26Well, I'm not going to bandy words with an idiotic, jumped-up popinjay like you anymore.
00:59:32I demand to see the chief of police.
00:59:36I am the chief of police.
00:59:38Oh, go on, son, you're doing well.
00:59:40Hang on, hang on. Come here again.
00:59:43Chiefie, we know we're in the spot of bothering, but all things can be arranged, can't we, between friends?
00:59:48Oh, indeed, sir.
00:59:49Then you just tell us exactly what we're charged with, and we'll sort something out, right?
00:59:52With pleasure, sir.
00:59:54You are charged with disturbing the peace, damage to property, and, most important of all,
00:59:59assault upon the girls of Madame Fifi, thus resulting in a most serious loss of business.
01:00:06That's ridiculous.
01:00:07You know very well they assaulted us.
01:00:09Oh, indeed, sir.
01:00:10Well, surely you don't doubt our word against the word of a cheating old boiler that runs the local broken
01:00:16-down bawdy house, do you?
01:00:17Madame Fifi is my sister.
01:00:21Pass.
01:00:22Next, please.
01:00:22Let me have a go.
01:00:24Oh, don't be ridiculous.
01:00:25What on earth can you do?
01:00:26Well, at least I can be a little cooperative.
01:00:29Excuse me.
01:00:30I wonder if I might have a word with you.
01:00:31But, of course, please go ahead.
01:00:34It's rather personal.
01:00:37Is there somewhere a little more private we could get?
01:00:39With pleasure.
01:00:41This way, please.
01:00:5912.30.
01:01:00She's been gone for three hours.
01:01:03Well, what are you worried about?
01:01:04What could they do to her?
01:01:05Oh, you don't know these foreign police.
01:01:07I knew a girl once.
01:01:08They got her in there and shaved all her hair off.
01:01:11Well, I'm sure she's not having it up.
01:01:13Or Emma.
01:01:17With the compliments of the chief of police.
01:01:22Hey, Ben, what a beast.
01:01:24Yeah, it doesn't look as though we're going to get out, though.
01:01:26With grub like this, who wants to?
01:01:33Miss Planket, are you all right?
01:01:35Why, yes, I think so, Mr. Farquhar.
01:01:37You swine.
01:01:38What have you been doing to her?
01:01:39Don't tell him.
01:01:40Do not worry, Mr. Farquhar.
01:01:42I wish to tell you that you are free to go.
01:01:45Well, if you dare threaten me, I'll just...
01:01:46Free to...
01:01:47Oh.
01:01:48If you are prepared to pay for the damages,
01:01:50then I am...
01:01:51I am not going to bring any charges.
01:01:53Just when I was enjoying myself.
01:02:19Well, coming back, ladies and gentlemen.
01:02:21Tonight, I am making for you great ravings up for cheerings up and raising the loose spirits.
01:02:27No?
01:02:38Have you seen my wife anywhere?
01:02:40No, sir.
01:02:42Ah, Giorgio!
01:02:43You seeing Mrs. Blanche?
01:02:44Not since this morning, Papa.
01:02:46Well, is our room key there?
01:02:49Oh, no, sir.
01:02:50It's gone.
01:02:51Giorgio!
01:02:52Did you give it to her?
01:02:54Not half, Papa.
01:02:54Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
01:03:12Licora Polamora.
01:03:15Let's have a go.
01:03:27Oh, there you are, Stanley.
01:03:30All right, all right.
01:03:32I'll do all that talking.
01:03:35It was all my fault.
01:03:37I told them to leave without you last night,
01:03:39and what's more, I'm damn glad that I did it.
01:03:41Oh, so am I, dear.
01:03:43Have some champagne.
01:03:44I don't care about...
01:03:45Champagne?
01:03:46It's wonderful stuff, Stanley.
01:03:48What are you talking about?
01:03:50Didn't you hear what I just said?
01:03:52It was all my fault that you were left behind last night.
01:03:55All right, dear.
01:03:56I forgive you.
01:03:57But I don't want to be forgiven.
01:03:59Then what do you want, dear?
01:04:01I want to bloody well accept my manhood!
01:04:04Oh, splendid, Stanley.
01:04:09All right, then.
01:04:18What is it, dear?
01:04:21I've forgotten what you do.
01:04:23I'm furious.
01:04:24Absolutely beside myself.
01:04:26Yeah, best place for you.
01:04:28Look, I'm warning you, Nicholas.
01:04:30If you take that little strumpet to the party, I shall...
01:04:33I shall take my ankle bracelet back.
01:04:36Besides, you've never worn it.
01:04:37Oh, come on.
01:04:38We'll have some fun.
01:04:39Look, for the last time, Bert Conway, will you please get out of my room?
01:04:43For goodness sake, what's wrong with you?
01:04:44Why won't you come to the party with me?
01:04:46Because you only want one thing from me.
01:04:48That's not true.
01:04:49I'm quite happy to have the lot.
01:04:51Don't you understand?
01:04:52I don't want just a quick roll in the hay.
01:04:54I need something that's going to last.
01:04:57Who says it's not going to last?
01:04:58James, we don't go home till tomorrow afternoon.
01:05:01Get out!
01:05:02Get out!
01:05:03Look, me!
01:05:05Get out!
01:05:05No, no, no, no.
01:05:06No, you're not bothered.
01:05:07Don't you dare come in!
01:05:08Get out!
01:05:09No, I was...
01:05:11Can I believe my ears?
01:05:13You actually see nothing wrong or sinful in taking this girl to the party?
01:05:17Well, I don't know if it's going to be wrong and sinful until I try, do I?
01:05:22Isn't it enough that you've already got into a fight over her?
01:05:24You spend the night in prison with her?
01:05:26Oh, no, I want far more than that.
01:05:28What?
01:05:29I mean, I...
01:05:32I like her well enough to...
01:05:35get married.
01:05:36Brother Bernard, aren't you forgetting?
01:05:40You are promised to our order.
01:05:43You are going to be wedded to St. Cecilia.
01:05:45Yes, but from what I saw of her in the tomb,
01:05:48I don't think she's going to make a very good wife.
01:05:51Meow, meow.
01:06:15Carnival night!
01:06:16Champagne punches!
01:06:18No!
01:06:19He's the Richard Barton of Olds Pels!
01:06:24Please, Fluella and Marbles are only trying to send them all my billies.
01:06:28We're wanting them to remember this holiday.
01:06:30Oh, they remember it all right.
01:06:33It's the only hotel with the night in prison thrown in.
01:06:37It's not my fault!
01:06:39Getting almost to work and shutting cakes holes!
01:06:48Good evening.
01:06:49Hello.
01:06:55Well, well, the fun's really started, eh?
01:07:01This is splendid, isn't it?
01:07:03Oh!
01:07:04Must say, Monsieur Pepe has really surpassed himself with this buffet.
01:07:07Yeah.
01:07:08Could be none of a cheatable.
01:07:10Come, come.
01:07:11Really quite good.
01:07:15Moira, dear.
01:07:16A lot depends on the report they give when they get back.
01:07:19For God's sake, do something to brighten it up.
01:07:22Whoopee!
01:07:25Food!
01:07:26I could do with some after all that romping about.
01:07:29Vic, darling, I think I'd like a roll.
01:07:31Right.
01:07:31Let's go upstairs.
01:07:32I mean a sausage roll.
01:07:34Oh.
01:07:35Ha!
01:07:35What?
01:07:41Ha!
01:07:44Ha!
01:07:47Ha!
01:07:49Ha!
01:07:50Ha!
01:07:51Oh, well, thank you, Monsieur Pepe. What a splendid idea.
01:07:55I'll get them. You finish your sandwich.
01:08:07Personally, I've always found Scotland a very exciting place.
01:08:10The swirl of the kilt, the sparring, everything.
01:08:14Would you try the panchata?
01:08:15Might as well, I suppose.
01:08:17That's my girl.
01:08:40Is it any good?
01:08:41I bleedin' hope so, mate.
01:08:48Oh!
01:08:50Oh!
01:08:50Oh!
01:09:00Hello, Mr Sutton. How lovely to see you again.
01:09:03Oh!
01:09:04It's nice to see so much more of you, Mrs Tomkins. May I call you Sadie?
01:09:08Monsieur.
01:09:10Would you care for a glass of punch?
01:09:12Oh, I'd love so.
01:09:13I'll get it.
01:09:14I'll get it.
01:09:15Oh, thank you.
01:09:24Ah, good evening, gentlemen.
01:09:27Please, having good times and letting hairs down.
01:09:32Maybe a little champagne punchings, yes?
01:09:35Oh, could be, Brother Martin.
01:09:36As is our last night.
01:09:39Oh, well, perhaps it won't do any harm.
01:09:41But only one, mind.
01:09:44I guess it might help to wash down that wretched food.
01:09:48Get stuffings.
01:09:50Sorry, Alayla.
01:09:52It's all right.
01:09:53It's all right.
01:09:59Do you mind?
01:10:03Matt knows.
01:10:05Lanners herself.
01:10:09Thank you, Brother Thornton.
01:10:38Don't tell me they enjoy the party.
01:10:41Enjoying it?
01:10:42It's crying like a bums!
01:10:52No way.
01:10:54It's a mess.
01:10:54I can't believe you.
01:10:54All right.
01:10:56Yes, sir.
01:10:58I can't believe you.
01:11:05You need to find a mess.
01:11:19Hey, more stampers, good old Peffy, or is it Mario?
01:11:25Good punching, yes?
01:11:26Splendid, splendid.
01:11:28And while we're on the subject of quality,
01:11:30I want you to know, Peffy,
01:11:31this is without doubt the crummiest hotel I've ever stayed.
01:11:47Peffy! Peffy!
01:11:49Peffy, come quick!
01:11:51What's the matter with her now?
01:11:53She sounds pretty distressed.
01:11:54She's probably tried some of her own cooking.
01:11:56Is this my big?
01:11:58All right, all right, it's coming.
01:12:01She's tried her own, she's tried her own cooking.
01:12:03Don't try her own cooking.
01:12:06All right, all right, all right.
01:12:07Ha, ha, ha, what's the matter with my kids?
01:12:11Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:12:14Ha, ha, ha.
01:12:15I say, you seem to have sprung a leak.
01:12:20I knew it was mistakes to build on dry riverbeds.
01:12:23No wonder company's getting land so cheap.
01:12:26Don't just stand there, do something.
01:12:29What have I done?
01:12:31What have I done?
01:12:31I love it.
01:12:33Oh, I say, I say, what's the language?
01:12:36I make like little boy in Holland.
01:12:39I stick him thinking.
01:12:41Oh, he's an awfully large thing.
01:12:51That's it, that's it.
01:12:53I'm sure the little Dutch boy didn't do it like that.
01:12:56Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
01:13:00ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
01:13:06ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
01:13:14ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
01:13:19ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
01:13:22ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
01:13:38Now give us, t'was on a good ship, Venus.
01:13:42I'm sorry, but I don't know the music.
01:13:50Oh, our lovely hostess.
01:13:52A drink for our hostess.
01:13:54I don't want a drink.
01:13:56Nonsense.
01:13:58Must have a drink.
01:13:59Everybody must have a drink with Floella.
01:14:07Oh!
01:14:07Oh, shit!
01:14:54Oh, it's hot!
01:14:56Would you like to go onto the terrace for a breath of fresh air?
01:14:59Oh, that's a good idea.
01:15:17Oh, come on.
01:15:22Stop it, the music! Stop it, the music!
01:15:25Helpings! Not dancing! Helpings!
01:15:27Please, helpings! Someone!
01:15:30What?
01:15:30George! I saw the whole...
01:15:32George, your help! The water's getting underneath the foundation!
01:15:35Please! We were talking!
01:15:37Oh, sorry!
01:15:38Now, where was I?
01:15:39About your hamsters, sir!
01:15:40Oh, yes, hamsters!
01:15:41No! Hamsters!
01:15:43You'll never believe it, but...
01:15:45eleven times in one night!
01:15:47It's unbelievable!
01:15:48Oh, yes, it is!
01:15:49You see, they're always escaping, I say.
01:15:51If I were to tell you...
01:15:57Please, Mr. Parrish!
01:16:00I'm worried about the foundations!
01:16:01Oh, that's all right, son. She's nowhere in any.
01:16:03No, no, in case they're falling out!
01:16:05Ah, don't you worry, son.
01:16:07If they do, I'll stop them back and...
01:16:10There's nobody listening!
01:16:11To have to...
01:16:15Mr. Blanks, you look like a man who is ready to do something!
01:16:19It's funny you should say that, Peavy. I was just telling the wife.
01:16:21Oh, Stanley!
01:16:22He's trying to get me upstairs again, Mr. Pepe.
01:16:25No, no, no, I show you!
01:16:26On the kitchen floor!
01:16:28I say, steady on, old chap. Remember, we're British.
01:16:31I don't know, though.
01:16:32Wow!
01:16:33British?
01:16:34Oh, oh!
01:16:34There's no...
01:16:37Please!
01:16:38Mr. Flanks, you coming with me?
01:16:40Where, too?
01:16:41We're having a leak!
01:16:42And they want one.
01:16:43No, we're having one down below.
01:16:45I show it to you.
01:16:46He doesn't want to see it!
01:16:47You're mad!
01:16:48Crazy!
01:16:50Flanks!
01:16:51I always knew he was a flesh-type.
01:16:53Oh, Mr. Farkin-Hars!
01:16:55Oh, Mr. Pepe!
01:16:57Yes!
01:16:57Enjoying yourself!
01:16:58Oh, yes, I'm having a smashing time!
01:17:01I'm having a balls!
01:17:02Oh, I'm not doing so badly myself!
01:17:04Mr. Farkin-Hars, I think you should be going up the stairs!
01:17:06Don't be disgusting!
01:17:08Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea!
01:17:10Oh, I'm not standing anymore!
01:17:12All you English are ever thinking about is sex!
01:17:15Oh, nonsense!
01:17:16Watch out!
01:17:17You things!
01:17:18Oh, come on, these horriders!
01:17:20So damn excitable!
01:17:22You're mad!
01:17:27Well, I'll about it.
01:17:28Shall we go upstairs?
01:17:29Why not?
01:17:36Help!
01:17:38You're mad!
01:17:41Oh, goodnight, old boy!
01:17:43Goodnight!
01:17:43Good-byes!
01:17:45He's drunk again!
01:17:48Well, now, Mr. Pepe!
01:17:50What was it you wanted to talk to me about?
01:17:52Oh, Mr. Thomas!
01:17:53Thank you very much!
01:17:54Thank you!
01:17:55Help!
01:18:09Help!
01:18:09How about it, love?
01:18:10Want a nightclub?
01:18:12No, thanks.
01:18:12I couldn't take another drop.
01:18:14Right.
01:18:14Let's go upstairs.
01:18:23Help!
01:18:26Help!
01:18:27Why should I need helpings?
01:18:28I'm having fun!
01:18:29Ha, ha, ha!
01:18:32I see Stanley!
01:18:34There's a hole!
01:18:35So there is!
01:18:36That's bad, isn't it?
01:18:37No, no, not to worry!
01:18:38There's mice's!
01:18:40We're having very big mice's here!
01:18:43I think we'd better go to bed.
01:18:45That's a rather good idea.
01:18:47Mr. Pepe, I may have to complain about this.
01:18:50They didn't tell us that you had mice's.
01:18:52There's no idea complaining about some mice's!
01:18:54And the whole hotel is falling down!
01:18:57Can we go up now, Bird?
01:18:59It's been a lovely evening.
01:19:00Might as well.
01:19:02Things seem to be breaking up anyway.
01:19:18Out the windows, love, and let's get a bit of air.
01:19:21Right.
01:19:21A good idea.
01:19:23Won't be long.
01:19:23Let's get up here, sir.
01:19:29Ha, ha.
01:19:29I forgot!
01:19:31Ha, ha, ha.
01:19:33Ha, ha, ha.
01:19:35Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:19:37Ha, ha, ha.
01:19:39I put the bloody tir on him!
01:19:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:19:45Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:19:50It's gonna be a bit of a tight squeeze.
01:19:51Ha ha ha!
01:19:54Room for one on top!
01:19:55Ha ha ha!
01:19:57Standing room, Henry!
01:19:59Ha ha ha!
01:20:02Ha ha ha!
01:20:08Ha ha ha!
01:20:12Oh, God!
01:20:14I give up!
01:20:14No! No! Come on!
01:20:17You're not getting off the hook that easy!
01:20:19Ha ha ha!
01:20:21Ha ha ha!
01:20:23Ha ha ha!
01:20:26Ha ha ha!
01:20:29Oh, it's all right, Bert. You can come in.
01:20:47What's going on there?
01:20:52Are you all right?
01:20:57Bert!
01:20:58Are you all right?
01:21:03Hi!
01:21:05Yes, hi!
01:21:14No!
01:21:16No!
01:21:16No!
01:21:21No!
01:21:22Don't do! Hurry up, darling!
01:21:24Coming!
01:21:25Ha ha ha! Stand by to repel borders!
01:21:28Ha ha ha ha!
01:21:28Ha ha ha!
01:21:31Ha ha ha!
01:21:34Ha ha ha!
01:21:36Ha ha ha!
01:21:42That does it! Everybody out!
01:21:44Everyone out!
01:21:45Abandoning yourself!
01:21:47Evacuators! Everybody leaving!
01:21:50Abandoning yourself!
01:21:55Help!
01:21:56Help!
01:21:59Help!
01:22:00Help!
01:22:02Help!
01:22:03I see where we are!
01:22:05What's happening?
01:22:07Help!
01:22:08Help!
01:22:15Help!
01:22:18Help!
01:22:25Hello!
01:22:26Hello, Harry.
01:22:27Usual?
01:22:27Yes, please.
01:22:28Here.
01:22:29I know what I meant to usher.
01:22:30How did the holiday go?
01:22:31Oh, great.
01:22:32Went with a bang.
01:22:33Had a smashing time, didn't we, love?
01:22:35Ha ha ha!
01:22:35Yes, I can honestly say I've never had one quite like it.
01:22:38Ha ha ha ha!
01:22:41What's the joke, then?
01:22:42Private!
01:22:43Oh!
01:22:43Hey, private!
01:22:45Cheers!
01:22:46Cheers!
01:22:48Could I have another one, please?
01:22:51Ha ha!
01:22:52Well, here we are!
01:22:53Hello!
01:22:54Hello!
01:22:55Nice to meet you!
01:22:56Hello!
01:22:57Hello!
01:22:58Hello!
01:22:59Hello!
01:23:00Hello!
01:23:01Hello!
01:23:03Isn't he here, Vic?
01:23:04Of course he is.
01:23:05I promise you another after him.
01:23:06Still!
01:23:06Somebody to see you!
01:23:08Oh, you!
01:23:10Merr!
01:23:11Oh!
01:23:12Oh!
01:23:13Oh!
01:23:13Oh, right!
01:23:13Well, what's it to be, then?
01:23:14I'll tell you what!
01:23:15Champagne cup!
01:23:16And put a drop of this in it, will you?
01:23:18Oh!
01:23:18What a wonderful idea!
01:23:20Oh, no!
01:23:21Lock all the doors!
01:23:22Time, gentlemen, please!
01:23:23Oh, ho!
01:23:26That day, the lovelyừng!
01:23:29That day!
01:23:29That day!
01:23:35Oh!
01:23:36Aw!
01:23:37Aw!
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