00:02The
00:32I've got to tell you guys, when I'm not doing this show, I play a lot of video games.
00:37I don't know if you guys are into them a lot, but I love video games.
00:42Anytime I make love to my wife, get off me, turn on PlayStation.
00:47I just want points, man.
00:49My whole life's like Vice City, man.
00:50Look, it's crazy, man.
00:52You'll see.
00:53Look, just look at this.
00:56I'll see you, babe.
00:58Bye.
00:58Bye-bye.
01:15Sorry, I need this.
01:17What are you doing?
01:19Not if I can help it.
01:38The name's Chappelle.
01:46Well, baby.
01:47I'll see you later.
01:49I love you.
02:01I was recently overseas in Japan.
02:04I'm not bragging.
02:06Got a lot of respect in Japan.
02:08I've never been treated so well by people.
02:11I would say that I was loved and feared at the same time.
02:15I have footage of my vacation, and I would like to share it with you right now.
02:36I could do that.
02:38I could do that!
02:39I could do that!
02:48I could do that!
02:49I could do it!
03:01I could do it!
03:02I could do it!
03:03in the tree.
03:08Ready?
03:10Aim.
03:11Fire!
03:16Chronic!
03:27Oh, yo, right here, I got something for you.
03:30I got something for you.
03:30Oh, yo.
03:32Oh, no.
03:33He pulled his pants down.
03:35Ta-da!
03:37He has a one-eyed real snake.
03:41That's no snake, honey.
03:43It's raining, pouring.
03:53Andish, Godzilla!
03:56Oh, yeah!
04:01Oh, snap!
04:03I thought you was locked up.
04:14You have a problem?
04:15Huh?
04:25Oh, no!
04:29Oh!
04:30Oh, no!
04:33Oh!
04:34Oh!
04:39Oh!
04:47Damn! I'm from the streets, bitch!
04:59Oh, no! Not the volcano!
05:06Brown snake, turn into brown stick!
05:21Oh, no, that snake!
05:36Uh, I'll call you sometime or come around.
05:41I'll be back.
05:49We're going to take a quick commercial break.
05:52We'll be right back, folks, with more Chappelle shows.
05:55They don't go anywhere.
06:01Man, I'm bored.
06:03I got to go to the Chappelle show.
06:07You know, folks, tonight is actually a very special night.
06:13I was in negotiations with Comedy Central to do a one-hour special,
06:17much like I did on HBO.
06:18Very excited about it, and then suddenly the negotiations fell apart
06:22because they just didn't have the money that I wanted.
06:23They won't budge.
06:25But they did, they did come up with enough money
06:28for me to do a two-minute special.
06:31Yes, and tonight, you are the lucky crowd that gets to see it.
06:34So everyone just sit tight.
06:35I'm going to go in the back, and we're going to start shooting this puppy.
06:38All right, let's get it going.
07:19I'll be right back.
08:07Ladies and gentlemen, give it up right now for Dave Chappelle.
08:25What's up?
08:27How y'all feeling?
08:29I got to get right into it.
08:31I don't have a lot of time now.
08:33I want to talk about the war.
08:36I want to tell y'all how I really feel about the war.
08:40Y'all ready to hear how I feel about the war?
08:43Y'all ready to hear how I feel about Bush?
08:46Well, this is how I feel.
08:47Thank you very much.
08:48Good night.
09:15Fucking pay me!
09:28Tell the show.
09:30Better not bring your kids.
09:33Hey, guys.
09:39Did any of you guys watch those documentaries on HBO,
09:43those Hookers and Johns?
09:46Did anybody see that one, Pimps Up, Hose Down?
09:51I just seen their new one, and I got an advanced copy on it.
09:54You're going to love it.
09:56Check it out.
09:58HBO, the greatest network of our time,
10:01has brought you compelling documentaries
10:03about pimps, hoes, players, johns, tricks, marks,
10:07mark-ass tricks, trick-ass marks, skeezers, skanks, skig-skags,
10:11and scolly-wops.
10:12Now, America's most incredible network
10:15gives you another side of the story
10:17as we go into the world of the haters.
10:21America Undercover presents the Player Haters Ball.
10:25Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
10:26Like, real hatin', man, that's like an art form, man.
10:28You know, it's like you're like a born a hater,
10:30you know, like myself, man.
10:31You know, a lot of cats, they can hate,
10:33but, man, I mean, I'm mad, you know,
10:34I'm mad at everything, man.
10:35You know, brother got a nice car, man.
10:37Why you got a car, man?
10:38I ain't only got one car.
10:39Why you got three cars or a wife or all that, man?
10:41Hey, man, that's played out, man.
10:42I hate on a nigga till he's totally broke
10:46and ain't got nothing like me,
10:47you know what I'm saying?
10:48Because, yeah, that's what real hatin' is all about, man.
10:51Hey, what's poppin', everybody?
10:52The Evil Star here.
10:53I want to welcome you to the fifth annual
10:54Player Haters Award ceremony.
10:57This gala affair, we host this once a year.
11:00We honor the most prestigious verbal abusers
11:03on the planet.
11:06I'm top player hater from Korea.
11:10You bitches better recognize.
11:13Again, I'm hatin' on all them Korean.
11:18He looks like a broke-ass sexual chocolate.
11:23Is that a cut on me?
11:27The Player Haters Ball gives us an opportunity
11:31to hate on a diverse array of mock-ass mocks,
11:36trick-ass mocks,
11:37punk bitches and skip-skaps, skanks and scallywags,
11:41hoes, heifers, hee-haws and hooli-hoos.
11:45Man, you ought to take that cane
11:47and beat whoever made that suit to death.
11:51Why don't you vacuum that coat, man?
11:54Well, well, well.
11:55The most diabolical haters this side of the Mississippi.
12:01But, Nancy, what can I say about that suit
12:03that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?
12:06It looks bombed out and depleted.
12:09And, of course, the show called beautiful.
12:13Why don't you click your heels together three times
12:15and go back to Africa?
12:18And as for you, boss ho,
12:21very insulting what you said about my coat.
12:24It's made out of your mother's pubic hair.
12:26Quite silly.
12:28Now, if you'll excuse me,
12:30I'm gonna go take my throne
12:31because I'm a shoo-in
12:34for Hater of the Year.
12:36The player-hater's ball
12:38is not always about hating on one another.
12:42We play games with these other two,
12:44like our annual photo flip.
12:47Oh, damn.
12:49Oh, my, damn.
12:49Little-ass teeth.
12:50Nigga, got dolphin teeth.
12:51Yeah, I'll send you a hard teeth.
12:53He always says he doesn't want anyone to see him shine.
12:56But the nigga looks shiny to me.
12:58He looks like Malcolm X before
13:00converted to his slang.
13:03Next.
13:04Thank you, Miss Henry.
13:06Good Lord Almighty.
13:07So shall I've been letting?
13:09That motherfucker pumped my gas
13:11in my car in the way over here.
13:12That's ironic because I take yoga classes from him.
13:16Next picture, please.
13:18I like the song the girl sings,
13:20Papa Don't Preach.
13:21I got a song for you too, Mitch.
13:23It's called Daughter Don't Sing.
13:25Next picture, please.
13:29Boy George.
13:30Now, that man right there,
13:31I hate to fight.
13:32She wears underwear with dick holes in them.
13:39And now to present the award
13:41for player-hater of the year,
13:43Ice-T.
13:49I like to welcome all you
13:51ignorant-ass bitches, critics,
13:54complainers, disgruntled rappers,
13:56and racists especially,
13:58to the ninth annual
13:59International Player Haters Ball.
14:03Oh, man.
14:05Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
14:10Oh, man, you corny.
14:12Next nigga say something while I'm talking
14:14is getting shot.
14:15Please believe me.
14:17Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
14:19So without further ado,
14:21let me give you the nominations
14:22for Player Hater of the Year.
14:25Y'all ready?
14:27First up, Buck Nasty.
14:31Trap with me, bitch!
14:32Buck Nasty is nominated for...
14:36getting his best friend's wife pregnant,
14:39then tricking his best friend
14:41into raising the little motherfucker.
14:43Yeah, holla at your boy.
14:45Damn, that's hateful!
14:47The next nominee is Pitbull.
14:52Pitbull is nominated for calling the police
14:56on the drug dealers that move next door to his house,
14:58not because it was the right thing to do,
15:01just because he was jealous of all the money they was making.
15:04Pitbull!
15:06Finally, the one and only...
15:09Silky Johnson!
15:13Silky Johnson is nominated for calling in a bomb threat
15:17to the Special Olympics, man!
15:20Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
15:22The winner of the Ninth Annual Player Hater of the Year award is...
15:25look like a bouquet iced tea!
15:28Silky Johnston!
15:34Hiss My Ass!
15:35I'm the biggest hater!
15:42Hiss My Ass!
15:43Silky Mink Man are the 100% rat ass!
15:47Hit me, baby.
15:49That, of course, was beautiful talking.
15:52Beautiful on the weekends does stunts for Little Richard in gay movies.
15:59First off, I would like to thank God Almighty for giving everybody so much and me so little.
16:09I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, and I hate your guts.
16:14I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.
16:23And as I sip my soda that I'm sure somebody spit in,
16:27I just would like to say to all of you,
16:31kiss my ass, you rotten motherfuckers.
16:35Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and put some water in Bucknasty's mama's dish.
16:41Good evening.
16:56I will be right back. I will see you shortly.
16:59Come back. Don't go anywhere. We got more Chappelle shows after these messages.
17:06Turn on your TV
17:08What you going to see
17:10I would like to thank all of you
17:12For being here with me tonight
17:14You're great
17:15And I'd like to thank you at home for watching
17:17Tune in next week
17:18And we'll see you on Chappelle's show
17:25Congrats BjΓΆrn
17:27Hi, thank you
17:34Silky Mama got one big titty
17:35And one little titty
17:37And they call the bitch Biggie Smalls
17:39Hit me three times, baby
17:42He looks like a broke ass
17:45He looks like a broke ass
17:47He looks like a broke ass
17:51He looks like a broke ass
17:55Sexual broke
17:56Sexual chocolate
17:58Is that the word?
18:00I wish you ill iced tea
18:02That's right, that's right
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