00:22J.S.A.P.E.L.
00:30J.S.A.P.E.L.
00:33Hey, man.
00:36Welcome, everybody.
00:37Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.
00:39I can't believe I'm still on the air. This is incredible.
00:41But I've been having fun since the show came out, man.
00:44I've been going out to, like, parties and stuff,
00:46feeling like a big shot.
00:48And I was out in the club. I don't know if y'all knew this.
00:50Did y'all know that Jay-Z has a vodka out now?
00:53Yeah, what's it called?
00:58Armandale.
00:58For shizzle. Anyway.
01:01Yes.
01:02I didn't know that, man.
01:04These rappers are getting off the hook with it.
01:06These guys are really the new
01:08entrepreneurs, man. They got clothes.
01:10They got vodkas. And then I stayed
01:12home the other day. And, you know, when you
01:14at home, you see commercials you don't see
01:16in the daytime that you might see at the nighttime,
01:19you're not going to believe
01:20some of the commercials these guys got.
01:22I got them. I taped them. Here goes one right here.
01:26Hey, what's the matter?
01:28Pam, do you have anything sanitary?
01:31I'm all out and my flow is heavy.
01:34Do I?
01:36Girl, I got something that'll keep your flow motherfucking tizzite.
01:40Motherfucking tizzite?
01:42What's up, ladies? My name is Dan Dash,
01:44the CEO of Rockefeller Records.
01:46And Rockefeller's about to get all up in that ass
01:48with rocker pads.
01:50Rocker pad is 30% more absorbent
01:52than the leading brand.
01:55So if your period is dropping,
01:57then we catch it.
01:58You know what I mean? It's the rock.
02:00Power.
02:03You feeling fresh now?
02:05Mmm, for shizzle, my bizzle.
02:08What are you doing?
02:10What? Nothing.
02:11So if your bum is leaking,
02:13you need to be seeking rocker pad.
02:16It's the rock.
02:24It's incredible.
02:26It's incredible, man.
02:28I mean, these dudes are into everything.
02:30Now, you think that that's the worst of it?
02:32Check this one out.
02:33No, I'm serious. Look.
02:39It's real shitty down here.
02:42Oh, boy.
02:43It's Red Man.
02:45Hey, hey, where do you get these stains from
02:47with your stinking ass?
02:49It's just so hard to keep my toilet white.
02:53Well, baby, that's why I got the new toilet freshener.
02:57My shit is the bomb, bitch.
02:59I'm telling you.
03:00Red Man.
03:01Well, how does it work?
03:03Well, the motherfucker works like spray it in the toilet
03:06and the enzymes and shit collaborate together,
03:09make some kind of mixture,
03:11and get all that shit you got.
03:12You got celery and llama beans and corn
03:14and chicken bones and shit in here.
03:17It was yummy going down.
03:19You need something?
03:20Why not call on your man?
03:22Holla!
03:23Red Man Potty Fresh.
03:24The only toilet bowl cleaner with enzymes and shit
03:26that collaborate together to make some kind of mixture
03:28that get your toilet bowl sparkling white.
03:31You got those awful stains out.
03:33Flush the toilet with your pancake ass, bitch!
03:37Sorry.
03:39Hey, Red Man Toilet Freshener.
03:42I'll get the brown out.
03:51I don't know if you guys watch those old NFL films.
03:54They inspire me.
03:56And I think they should also honor regular people
03:59the same way that they honor these warriors of football.
04:02I want to honor the people who get booty
04:04under tremendous circumstances.
04:07So right now I present Great Moments in Hookup History.
04:13At the Areola 54 Bar & Grill,
04:17during the cold November of 1999,
04:1923-year-old Martin Johnson had but one thing on his mind.
04:23A piece of ass.
04:26That was a big night for me.
04:27I've been on an eight-week losing streak, man.
04:29I needed to pull out a win, and I needed it then.
04:32I don't think so.
04:33After a night he chalked up to bad calls.
04:37With time running out,
04:38Johnson had one last fleeting stab at glory.
04:42Bartender, I would like another drink.
04:45Ashley Evans, affectionately known throughout the league
04:48as Smashley Evans,
04:50was putting the finishing touches on a newly single party
04:53with her friends.
04:54And I would like a man.
04:58When the bartender took away her keys.
05:00Can anybody take this drunk, corny, crazy woman home?
05:04At that moment,
05:05Johnson heard the imminent whistle from the Train of Destiny.
05:19As the pass went up, Johnson sprung into action.
05:26It was Jimmy Mackey's ninth interception of the year.
05:30Living up to his reputation as one of the bad boys of the league.
05:34Johnson was crushed.
05:37But they say perseverance is the hallmark of a champion.
05:41And Martin Johnson had it in spades.
05:44After a night of bad calls,
05:47Johnson finally got a penalty in his favor.
05:50Johnson employed a trick play,
05:52one he hadn't used since his high school days.
05:55Hey, hey, you forgot the scarf.
05:57But it wasn't her scarf.
05:59Young Ashley didn't even own a scarf,
06:02but was too drunk to realize it.
06:04Will you take me home?
06:04Oh, yes, yes, I will.
06:06When opportunity and quick thinking meet
06:08the way they did that fateful night.
06:10Good evening, sir.
06:11That's a great moment in hookup history.
06:18Hey guys, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.
06:21We'll be right back with more Chappelle's show.
06:44Of all the flights, I got to ride with them terrorist sons of bitches.
06:48I got my eye on you, Al-Qaeda.
06:53what are those negroes doing in first class must be rappers i'd better keep an eye on sarah
07:04me no trust them white man me better not go to the bathroom white man will steal my seat
07:10and call it manifest destiny
07:34you know i'm glad to see that that there's so many different kinds of people here
07:39you guys can't see at home at home in the wide shot it just looks like a bunch of black
07:44people
07:45but it's not it's a patchwork a multi-ethnic multicultural patchwork now america is the
07:52same way and i know a lot of you white people at home might have had a feeling like you
07:57have
07:57questions for your black friends that you want to ask them but you're afraid to ask you don't
08:03want to alienate yourself or maybe get beat the fuck up
08:10well i want to promote conversation and dialogue so i went on the streets and gave people the
08:16opportunity to ask all the questions that made them so curious and i got comedian paul mooney
08:25to answer these questions for them if you don't know paul mooney he was a he was a writer for
08:31richard pryor for many years and some say one of the best comedian working today well one thing's
08:37for damn sure he's an unofficial sociologist ladies and gentlemen it's time for ask a black dude
08:52can black guys jump high yeah black people can jump high you gotta jump gotta do something when
08:58you're running from the police i ask you why you walk like this huh all you almost all you black
09:05guy
09:06why why you act like you do that black people walk like that because we have style we got flavor
09:12we got rhythm i mean the black man in america is the most copied man on this planet bar none
09:19everybody want to be a nigga but nobody want to be a nigga how about that question
09:23cal channing just admitted she was a nigga the rest of them need to break down and admit it too
09:27yeah why we black people like to smoke so much weed can you tell me why
09:31well i have a question for that nigga well where are your teeth niggas
09:35black men it's like the party they have that in their their blood
09:39and sometimes they can go overboard and it's real sad and don't ask me about drugs ask whitney and bobby
09:44don't ask me
09:55everybody want to be a nigga well no one want to be a nigga
09:58oh my god nigga i'm gonna get cancelled for sure
10:04we're gonna take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back with more chapelle show
10:20good evening and welcome to inside chapelle's show studio we're here tonight to celebrate the
10:28career of a brilliant young man comedian actor artist magician and some would say a smooth
10:36pimped out player from the streets that knows how to get his please welcome david chapelle
10:50thank you
10:51it was overwhelming that i'm so used to taking a comedy show this is this is incredible thank you
10:57william you've done over 74 films we'll cover what time allows david in 1987 you burst onto the scene
11:07with one of the most auspicious debuts in modern times i'm talking of course about your portrayal of
11:12private jackson in fighting charlie with mr charlie yeah
11:21thank you thank you here it is thank you're breathtaking oscar nominated performance
11:34little help
11:38damn dog it took you so long
11:40they got me
11:43who you calling
11:45who that the police
11:47tell them i got shot by some chinese gangsters
11:50i can describe them
11:53hello police
11:54lord jackson get out of here he's too far gone
11:57word you're gonna be all right soldier
11:58you made america proud you're a damn hero son
12:02hey ain't you sneaking you might as well just shoot yourself in the stomach and come lay down with me
12:08they gonna see you
12:09i was sneaking the same way sir
12:16permission to carry out one last mission sir
12:19what is it soldier
12:22permission to die sarge
12:25permission granted
12:26you report to heaven at 0800 hours and that's an order soldier
12:30i'll tell him uncle sam sent me
12:33why god
12:34why
12:36don't ask god
12:38ask nixon
12:38why nixon
12:41why
12:42ow
12:43damn
12:46i love some pussy before i go
12:55after mr charlie you took what many considered the role of a lifetime when you played the duke of yorkville
13:00in improper inquisitions
13:08let's take a look
13:10my lady
13:11my lady don't run from me
13:14my lady
13:15hey
13:16my lord
13:17i need to know
13:19twat's there another maiden in our bed
13:21say it twat
13:24it appears as though my lady has been rummaging through my things
13:30and
13:32foundeth her
13:33her birthday present early
13:35yes
13:36surprise
13:39lies
13:40lieth not
13:40my lord i prithee
13:42the last maiden that accused me of lying i stuck my foot betwixt her buttocks so ravagely
13:50that it brokeeth off and snappeth as the twig doth snap
13:59so my lady
14:01i invite thee to come and watch me unsheathe my sword and swing it and swing it upon thee
14:11break it
14:11break it
14:13oh
14:13oh
14:15oh
14:16oh
14:18oh
14:19oh
14:20oh
14:20where
14:21hmm
14:24seems as though the boutoir perhaps won't be necessary
14:28i've sold my pantaloon
14:30i'm going to get a bowl of cereal you get some rest ta-ta
14:38thank you
14:39david i've spoken to many actors who have played the physically challenged when daniel day lewis
14:46saw your performance in little foot long foot he threw up in the movie you played stanley
14:52a handicapped man with a heart of gold it's visual poetry thank you
15:00i have short foot long foot long foot
15:06long foot
15:10ah
15:12sir let me help you
15:14and get the damned hands up on me
15:19but snap the wet floor
15:23snap
15:23oh
15:34i don't need your damn pity
15:48get out of me
15:49sir i don't want you to slip on my skateboard
15:50cut your damn mouth you pothead
15:53no
15:54no
15:57no
15:58ah
15:59no
16:02ah
16:03yes
16:14May I have the cheeseburger
16:17A large fry
16:20And something cold to drink
16:41And the terry pie
16:49And a milkshake
16:55Ah
17:02Dave Chappell
17:04Thank you
17:05Thank you
17:05Thank you
17:20Oh snap
17:21What's up dog
17:22If you let one drop
17:24Hit this motherfucking wave runner
17:26I'm gonna kick your motherfucking ass
17:28Debra
17:30Oh girl
17:32I should shit on you
17:34When you're done
17:34Close the motherfucking land
17:36Cause we got some business
17:36We gotta take care of
17:37You know what I mean
17:39I should pee on you all
17:40Like R. Kelly
17:44I would like to thank
17:45My studio audience
17:47And I'd like to thank you
17:48At home for watching the show
17:52I'm rich
17:54Hi thank you
18:02Rockapag is 30 more absorbent than the lean brand
18:06I can't say that shit
18:07Your period is dropping
18:11I can't say that shit
18:13Let me see that
18:15Rockapag is 30 more percent absorbent than the lean brand
18:19I know how to read
18:22You're so young Jackson
18:24I'm only 19
18:2519
18:2619
18:2619
18:2719
18:29Red
18:29Is my career down there?
18:33Hell do
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