- 12 hours ago
Hyacinth quite enjoys a family christening, except when she realises it's Daisy's family and the newly-blessed parents turn up in an old van with two hippies.
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00:01Is this tie all right?
00:03For where we're going, any tie's a novelty.
00:06It's no good being like that about it. It's a family occasion.
00:10The thing is, to make the best of it.
00:13Anyway, I always think there's something rather nice about a christening.
00:16There's something even nicer if there's been a wedding first.
00:35There's no reply from Reg.
00:38Don't think he's with somebody else, do you?
00:40Can you please forget men today, Rose?
00:43All day?
00:45All right, just for the christening.
00:47Done. I don't care if he is with somebody else.
00:50I wonder who she is, the bitch.
00:53Sorry, sorry.
00:55Can I have the tea towel?
01:01Well, erm, I'm ready.
01:05Is Onslow up yet?
01:07I shouted him an hour ago.
01:09Oh, that's cutting it fine.
01:11You know he needs at least two.
01:13Onslow!
01:15Have you seen me clean shirt?
01:17Daisy, where's Onslow's clean shirt?
01:20How am I supposed to remember he never wears a shirt?
01:23How's she supposed to remember you never wear a shirt?
01:26I do, on formal occasions.
01:28He does, on formal occasions.
01:31Have you tried looking in the wardrobe?
01:34Have you tried looking in the wardrobe?
01:37I hope our lass isn't going to start having babies every year.
01:40You hope your lass isn't...
01:42I hope the girl isn't going to make a habit of it.
01:47Stop worrying.
01:49People always ask what the father does.
01:52You can't just tell them he gets away.
01:57Oh, that's better, dear.
01:58She's not a bad girl.
02:00I've always liked Stephanie.
02:02Oh, I don't know about this piece of jewellery.
02:04It'll have to do.
02:06I'm not wearing my best.
02:07With some of Onslow's cronies about, I could be mugged.
02:11Just settle your mind to it.
02:12You've got to make the best of things.
02:14At least they're bothering to have the little girl christened.
02:17Kylie!
02:19What sort of a name is Kylie for a Christian person?
02:23It sounds like a foreign vegetable.
02:27Now, if on our way we meet anyone we know,
02:29I see no harm in telling them that we're going to a christening.
02:33But I see no need to be explicit about the details.
02:37Who am I going to tell?
02:38I'm just warning you.
02:39They needn't be told where the christening is.
02:43And they certainly needn't be told the exact circumstances.
02:47My lips are sealed.
02:51Good day, Elizabeth.
02:52Oh, good morning, Hyacinth.
02:54Oh, you are looking smart.
02:57Oh, thank you.
03:00You're after a christening.
03:04It's just a small intimate affair.
03:06Oh, very nice. Fashionable.
03:09Well, yes, reasonably.
03:13You wouldn't go to any other kind.
03:15Hardly.
03:17Is the car clean, Richard?
03:19That's when I left you two minutes ago.
03:22Well, enjoy your christening.
03:23Something trickier than it sounds.
03:25I'm sure it is.
03:27Life's tricky enough for most of us, but for you it must be...
03:30Richard!
03:31Coming, dear.
03:34How can you say that?
03:36Dennis, that's cruel.
03:38It's not only cruel, it's obscene.
03:41You know I've finished with Reg.
03:43I haven't been out with Reg since I started with you.
03:50That time.
03:52Well, if you will keep on bringing up that occasion, Dennis.
03:55That was nothing.
03:56It was entirely innocent.
03:58I brought in Reg merely to help me with my football coupon.
04:02What you and Reg were doing certainly wasn't cricket.
04:09Wait!
04:13Is there any beer?
04:14You're not having any beer till after the christening.
04:17It's supposed to be a celebration, not a famine.
04:20Daisy, I really need a beer.
04:22And I count that your hyacinth will be here any minute.
04:25You're right. We'll both have a beer.
04:32You'd think Onslow would have made a little effort and tidied up for the christening.
04:36I think that would have qualified as a big effort.
04:44Is your father going? Is he well enough?
04:47That's what I intend to find out.
04:50I should do. It could be tricky.
04:53There's no need to speak like that about Daddy's problems.
04:59I only meant it might be safer if you left him at home.
05:02Daddy is not some kind of monster.
05:04He's just a touch senile in the nicest possible way.
05:18Leave it.
05:45I could have sworn I had a set of these.
05:49I could have sworn I had a set of these.
05:50Onslow's mum won them at bingo.
05:54Please don't bother on our account, Daisy.
05:57Oh, you've got to have a drink with us. Onslow's bought some sherry.
06:02Onslow bought sherry.
06:05I had to sneak it out under my vest.
06:08Very demeaning to your macho image.
06:11I felt like a man who just had a resectomy.
06:18Did I see Onslow wearing a tie?
06:20Of course he's wearing a tie.
06:22You don't think he's going to not wear a tie at his granddaughter's christening?
06:25He didn't wear a tie at his daughter's christening.
06:28I don't think we could afford one then.
06:32I'm glad Onslow's come on so well since.
06:38Have you got them glasses yet?
06:39There's not a full set.
06:41Which reminds me, is your father going?
06:45Of course he's going.
06:47Mrs Midgley's upstairs getting him ready.
06:49Mrs Midgley?
06:50Oh, she's used to him.
06:52She pops in to keep an eye on him when we're out.
06:55Where have you been, Reg?
06:56Don't lie to me.
06:58You've got another woman.
07:02Well, I hope she's a very understanding person.
07:08She's going to have to be when she sees where you've got my name tattooed.
07:15It's too late, Reg. I'm going with Dennis.
07:19Well, if you're never in and you won't answer your telephone.
07:22Dennis means nothing to me.
07:25It's just a question of a lady needing an escort for these social functions.
07:29I will not go through a christening without a male escort.
07:35No, of course I don't love Dennis.
07:37You know I don't love Dennis. He's a Pisces.
07:40You can pack that in, you rude old man.
07:43Now I'm coming in again and this time I don't want any Yankee Panky.
07:50It's all right. It's only me dad and Mrs Midgley.
07:53I want this to be a happy day.
07:55I don't want any troubles or any quarrelling.
08:00It's me daughter's and me daughter's daughter's day.
08:02And I want it to be a nice one.
08:04Hear, hear.
08:04Thank you, Richard.
08:07And so I think we ought to be upstanding and have a little drink to start to ask Stephanie and
08:16the new baby.
08:17Ask Stephanie.
08:20Will you wait a minute, Anza? I haven't finished yet.
08:23Sorry.
08:27Now I know some of us might have preferred if our Stephanie had waited until she got married.
08:33But what's done is done.
08:35And I want to make this a happy day.
08:37And this is the stuff that could do it.
08:39You are Stephanie.
08:40Stephanie.
08:41And the new baby.
08:43And the new baby.
08:45Good Lord.
08:48It's a bit strong, isn't it?
08:51What have you done to the Sherry Onslow?
08:53It was like ferret pee.
08:58It needed something.
09:04What time is Stephanie arriving?
09:07She's driving up.
09:08They'll go straight to the church.
09:09Today?
09:12She's bringing the father.
09:13We told her to bring the father.
09:15Well, at least that's a step in the right direction.
09:17It's time someone met the father.
09:21Oh, aye.
09:21He said, bring the father.
09:23That'll do a bit.
09:26Oh!
09:27Now, you'll just stop that.
09:29Daisy.
09:30A quiet word with you, dear.
09:32And you, now you've finished.
09:34Goodbye.
09:40What's wrong, Harcens?
09:41I gave you the best sherry glass.
09:42No, it's not the glass, dear.
09:44Now, we're all daddy's children here.
09:48It's up to us to decide.
09:50Decide what?
09:51Should it be Reg or should it be Danny?
09:53Oh, no, no, no.
09:53Now, care for you, Rose.
09:55We have to decide, is daddy going to the christening?
09:59Of course he's going to the christening.
10:00Mrs Mish is upstairs now getting him ready.
10:03Don't you think it's a little unwise to involve the neighbours, Daisy?
10:06Oh, she's very good with him.
10:07She's more his own age.
10:09Wouldn't it be better, then, if we left her here to look after him until we came back?
10:13He's going to the christening.
10:14He wants to go to the christening.
10:17Everybody wants to go to the christening.
10:19Even Reg wants to go to the christening.
10:21Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Reg.
10:24What condition is daddy in?
10:25Will it be too much for him to go to the christening?
10:27I don't see why.
10:29Only half an hour in church and then round to the pub for a few sandwiches.
10:33A public house.
10:35We've got a private room.
10:38But is daddy fit enough?
10:41You cheeky old devil.
10:45It's not safe to turn me back on you.
10:49He sounds fit enough.
10:53We'll give Rose a lift.
10:55I'm not taking daddy.
10:57I'm not being responsible for taking daddy to the christening.
11:01He's being moved against my advice.
11:04After you, Richard.
11:06Ladies first.
11:08Normally I would agree, but this time you can go first.
11:12How is it?
11:13Suppose all this power goes to my head.
11:16Just walk past that car.
11:18In case that animal's in there.
11:21For some reason that dog always barks at me.
11:35I think these affairs put far too much stress on daddy in his present condition.
11:45It's unfair to expose him to all this excitement.
11:48Maybe he likes a bit of excitement.
11:50Who told you that?
11:52What are you saying?
11:53I won't have you spreading rumours that daddy likes excitement.
11:58Is that Mrs Midgley?
12:00I expect she's been gossiping.
12:11Blow the horn. Rose should be here by now.
12:17She said she'd be ready.
12:19I can see it's going to be one of those chaotic affairs.
12:25Blow it again, dear.
12:27Let's get away from here before I'm seen by anyone who knows me socially.
12:30I can't believe it.
12:36Get out.
12:38I was on the road, Richard.
12:41I was on the road.
12:43Oh!
12:44Oh!
12:45Oh!
12:49Oh!
12:53Oh!
12:55Oh!
13:01Oh, my God.
13:33I can't stay in the car for a moment, Rose. The vicar's coming.
13:36Well, we're all here to see the vicar.
13:38I'm not at all sure that skirt is suitable for a vicar.
13:43Ah!
13:44Ah, Mrs Bucket.
13:46Oh.
13:48Yes, of course, Bukang. How are you?
13:51Oh, bearing up.
13:57Oh!
14:02And this is?
14:04My husband, Richard.
14:07Yes, Richard.
14:09How are you, Vicar?
14:13Oh, hell. It's Reg and Dennis.
14:19She's with me.
14:20She's with me.
14:22Stop tugging me about.
14:24Tell him you're with me.
14:25Tell him you're with me.
14:26Was that your sister?
14:29So many nice hats.
14:32I do hope the acid rain holds us.
14:42Mother and baby not arrived yet.
14:45Not yet.
14:46I met Stephanie once, I remember.
14:48I'm looking forward to meeting her husband.
14:51Excuse me.
14:53Aren't we all?
14:58Richard, wait here a moment.
15:00Excuse me.
15:01Good morning.
15:02Good morning.
15:02Good morning.
15:12Oh, I think it may hold off.
15:14Mind you, the gardens could be with it.
15:16Oh.
15:17I'm just checking, Vicar.
15:18My sister Violet isn't here yet.
15:21You like Violet?
15:22I may have mentioned Violet at the Brigham By.
15:25She married the Turf account and they live in that big house with the swimming pool and sauna.
15:29Do they, really?
15:31I don't say I like him.
15:33He has a tendency to handle you more than necessary.
15:36Some of his jokes are a little off-colour, but he is a Rotarian.
15:40That gives Violet all the advantages of a new Mercedes and her own cash card.
15:46Richard keeps pressing me to have my own cash card, don't you, dear?
15:50Do you?
15:51Yes, you do.
15:52Yes, you do.
15:54I'm never sure how to work those cash point things.
15:57Oh, well, he just...
15:58No, I'd never put a card of mine in one of those machines.
16:00You never know who's been before.
16:04Excuse me.
16:05You like Violet.
16:06She has the sort of lifestyle...
16:08If you'll excuse me, I must just check the temperature of the water in the pot.
16:15I think we'll survive the day better if we stick with Violet.
16:18Someone has to fly the flag of finesse.
16:21I'd sooner be with your Daisy.
16:23Daisy's cheerful.
16:24She's also married to Onslow.
16:26At least Onslow's cheerful.
16:27Violet's always moaning.
16:29Richard, that is no way to speak about the owner of a new Mercedes.
16:34She's sitting with me.
16:36She's sitting with me.
16:37We all stick together.
16:39I think we'd better go and see who's arriving.
16:50Excuse me.
16:51Excuse me, Vicar.
16:52I wonder if you've spotted the arrival of a new Mercedes.
16:55It'll be my sister.
16:56Really?
16:58I've not seen one.
16:59No.
17:00My sister Violet.
17:01He's very big in racing circles.
17:04Sport of kings, you know.
17:06He once saw Her Majesty picking at a prawn cocktail.
17:09Two binoculars, I assume.
17:12It was at Kempton Park, of course, not Ascot.
17:14Otherwise, she'd have been on the smoked salmon.
17:17He built her that big house with a swimming pool and sauna.
17:21Not that I think one should go in for a great deal of show.
17:24I have this biblical conviction that simplicity is best.
17:30Ah!
17:32Yes, grandfather and grandmother now.
17:39Made it, Vicar.
17:42Hello, arms low.
17:44Daisy, you've still got the old bone shaker, I see.
17:47Aye.
17:48And the car's as bad as ever.
17:53You're very familiar with the Vicar.
17:57That's the last time I'm sitting in a back seat with him.
18:00Hands all over the place.
18:02Poor Daddy.
18:03Fighting for air.
18:05His breathing's not what it used to be.
18:07It's heavier.
18:12What time is it?
18:18What time was Stephanie supposed to be here?
18:22In my experience, arrangements always go wrong.
18:25We can't start without her.
18:27What we could do is go across the pub and wet the baby's head.
18:29Please stay here.
18:32Oh!
18:33Ah!
18:34I wondered where Dad had got to.
18:39Ah.
18:40There's been a phone call.
18:42Your daughter's broken down.
18:44But only a couple of miles from here.
18:46I'll fetch you.
18:46No, it needs a reliable car.
18:49Richard and I will go.
18:50Oh!
18:51What was that?
18:53If you'll give us the directions, Vicar.
18:57I wish my family would lead the organisation of social functions to me.
19:02After all, I've had all that experience with my candlelight suppers.
19:06They're doing their best, I assume.
19:08Well, their best isn't good enough.
19:10At least Onslow was wearing a tie.
19:13And couldn't stop fiddling with it.
19:15And Lord knows what Daddy was fiddling with.
19:20At least it stopped raining.
19:28Five miles.
19:29We should have found them by now.
19:33Perhaps they've got it started and gone on their way.
19:36Well, that's very thoughtless.
19:39Typical lack of consideration.
19:45Look at those two.
19:49When I think of what Daddy had to do in the war to make the world safe.
19:54I thought he was a driver.
19:59I can't tell you everything, dear.
20:01It was very hush-hush.
20:07Hello?
20:08Is that the vicarage?
20:11Oh, thank goodness.
20:14Hmm?
20:15This is a very bad line, for ecclesiastical purposes.
20:21Could I speak to your husband?
20:25Hmm?
20:27Yes, I know he's got a christening.
20:28I'm at the christening.
20:29The smarter end.
20:31It's my sister's daughter who has the baby.
20:34Hmm?
20:35I'm Hyacinth Bouquet, you remember?
20:38We met once at an interch...
20:40Hmm?
20:42Sounds like someone groaning on the line.
20:45Oh, that's better.
20:47We met once at an interchurch bring-and-by.
20:51Yes.
20:52My white elephant's cornered the market.
20:55I'm ringing from a call box.
20:57Not from my own white slimline digital telephone.
21:01Because I'm stuck out here in the wild somewhere looking for the mother and child.
21:06They've broken down, or at least they had.
21:09We don't seem to be able to find them.
21:11Hmm.
21:12I'm ringing to inquire if they have now arrived.
21:16And if not, would you please find someone who could supply me with a description of their vehicle?
21:22Hmm.
21:23All right, I'll hold.
21:44What's wrong?
21:46We've passed them.
21:51Those hippies with the van.
21:54Oh, my.
21:56Exactly.
22:12That's great, man.
22:13That's our lives, man.
22:18Now, just a minute before you take a...
22:21I don't have to, darling.
22:22Should we go into a christening?
22:24No.
22:26Uncle Richard?
22:29Aunt Hyacinth?
22:30How are you, dear?
22:32I'm fine, Aunt Hyacinth.
22:33It's just the van.
22:34The batter is flat.
22:37Move up, then, can't he?
22:38Yes, he can't.
22:39Come on, then.
22:42Richard, this is out of the question.
23:03Right, let's start cooking, man.
23:13Psst.
23:15Which one is the father?
23:17I don't know.
23:24Must be that one.
23:39Let me have a go.
23:41With the van.
23:50Stop fiddling with your tie-ons, Lowe.
23:53Sorry.
23:53I feel like the first man in our family to be hanged.
23:59Here's our Violet.
24:03Buffy business looks good.
24:05Well, it gets most of your money for a start.
24:15Which one of you is the father?
24:17I am.
24:18Me?
24:19I am.
24:21It's me.
24:22I asked if she told me.
24:23They're arguing which one is the father.
24:25Which one is the father?
24:27Oh, on the board.
24:45Did they tell you which one's the father?
24:47Oh, never mind.
24:50It's time we were going.
25:14It's us, Steph!
25:16Well, it's time.
25:39I will not be filmed emerging from a hippie caravanet.
25:44What happened to your car?
25:46Richard wore it out.
25:48Well, that's hardly fair.
25:50It's a lovely baby.
25:52Which one's the father?
25:55Let's go into the church, shall we?
25:57Richard, don't dally.
25:58Hardly dallying, Hyacinth.
26:00If we go in first, we can hide behind a pillow.
26:04Is it the tall one?
26:07Well, at least it stopped raining.
26:09Tell me the...
26:10Well, let's go in first, let's go in first.