- 13 hours ago
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00:01...step back in time...
00:03...all you can do is step back in time...
00:05...nothing new and there's nothing to it...
00:08...step back in time...
00:10...when you can't find a music...
00:12...to get down a boogie...
00:13...all you can do is step back in time...
00:17...all you can do is step back in time...
00:17...well, go on, mate. Albert might come out here in his second.
00:20What, you've only got the pop across the corridor to the bathroom.
00:23It's not a life or death dash over no man's land, is it?
00:26Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:29He doesn't know I'm staying in here with you.
00:31He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's old room and Rodney sleeps on the settee.
00:35We'll have to tell him the truth, Del.
00:37All right, all right, sweetheart.
00:40If it makes you happy, you tell him.
00:42Me? I tell him?
00:44It's embarrassing. He's your uncle, you tell him.
00:48All right, I'll tell him. What's the matter with you?
00:50He don't bother me, honestly.
00:54Get back, he's coming, he's coming.
00:57See you up, gel boy.
01:00Morning, son. Morning.
01:02Here's your papers. Financial Times.
01:05Exchange of Mark.
01:06Yeah.
01:07I'll look up the closing prices on the Tokyo Stock Exchange at the breakfast table.
01:12Yeah, you please yourself, son.
01:15Brackel!
01:16Cup of tea, love!
01:19You awake! Brackel!
01:22I'll leave it outside for you, love.
01:24Step back in time for the confusion.
01:27Ah, ah, ah.
01:32Confusion for the confusion.
01:34Something smells nice out in the kitchen.
01:35Yeah, I'll just do myself some egg and bacon, son.
01:38What do you want for breakfast? Something healthy or something nice?
01:43Yes, do us a fry-up, will you?
01:44But look lively, cos I don't want Rackels in.
01:46She's into this high fibre gobblers.
01:49Good boy.
01:49Oh, have you managed to have a talk with young Rodney yet?
01:51Yeah, what about?
01:52What do you mean, what about?
01:54He's left his wife and come back to live here.
01:57Well, he's a full-grown adult, isn't he?
01:59What am I supposed to do?
02:00Well, I don't know. You've got to peel up his common sense.
02:02Oh, yeah?
02:03And then after lunch, I'll go out and find Shergar.
02:05Look, this is no laughing matter.
02:08Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country.
02:09No, she ain't.
02:10She gone to Spain.
02:12God, dear.
02:13She's only gone there for a week.
02:15Her and her mum have gone to get away from it all at the family villa.
02:18Family villa?
02:20Yeah, I'm family now, aren't I, eh?
02:22I could do with a break.
02:23I'm having a drink with Cassandra's dad tonight.
02:24I'll have a word with him.
02:26Down a pub every night, boozing.
02:28Who's that, Cassandra's dad?
02:29I'm talking about Rodney.
02:30Oh!
02:31I was going to say, because Alan, East T Total is,
02:34going out for a drink with him is like going on a pub crawl with Betty Ford.
02:38Don't worry about Rodney.
02:39He's just a bit confused at the moment, that's all.
02:41Yeah, he was a bit confused when he'd come in the other night.
02:44Confused as a newt.
02:47Still, he's making a bit of effort.
02:49Look, he made his bed before he went to work.
02:53Yeah, hang about.
02:54Albert, just a minute.
02:56Look, the thing is, you see,
02:58that Rodney did not sleep on the city last night.
03:01Oh?
03:02No.
03:02Where did he sleep then?
03:03Well, he slept in his old room.
03:06Oh.
03:07Yeah.
03:08I thought Raquel slept in there.
03:11No.
03:13Where did she sleep then?
03:15I don't believe him.
03:18She slept...
03:20somewhere else.
03:23Oh, I see.
03:30Where?
03:32Listen, could you raise your voice just one more decibel?
03:35Then they'll better hear you in the do-doin.
03:37You mean she slept with you then?
03:39Yes.
03:40All right, yes.
03:41Yes, she did.
03:42Listen.
03:43Don't you go and say nothing to her about it.
03:46Why, don't she know?
03:52Of course she knows.
03:54It's just that I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all.
03:57I wonder why you looked a bit chirpy.
04:02Blimey, that laugh of yours.
04:03Sounds like someone trying to push start a larder.
04:08Here.
04:09You have my breakfast.
04:10Build your strength up.
04:13I'll cook myself another one.
04:14Good.
04:15Bless you, uncle.
04:16Oh, you're a lifesaver, I tell you.
04:22Lovely jubbly.
04:24Morning.
04:29Morning.
04:30Morning, love.
04:31Nice to see you back on your feet.
04:38Are you up to a bit of breakfast?
04:39No, thanks.
04:41I don't know how you can eat that sort of rubbish, Albert.
04:43Well, the Trotter family have been eating that sort of rub...
04:45that sort of cuisine for generations.
04:48Never done us any harm.
04:50My dad lived until he was 81.
04:5281, see, that's a good age, isn't it?
04:54Weren't for him.
04:54He died.
04:59I know that.
05:00I know, but what I meant...
05:02I agree with Raquel.
05:04Oh, yeah, I can't eat all that fried rubbish no more.
05:06No, no.
05:07You give me a nice, good old grapefruit any day.
05:10Good.
05:10That's what I like to hear.
05:12You got some egg on your chin.
05:13Eh?
05:16A doctor told you to stay off fried food.
05:18Yes, I know.
05:19And a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit.
05:22We all know what happens to that poor old cow.
05:25It's all right.
05:25It's all right, sweetheart.
05:26I know you've got my intentions at heart, and I'm grateful.
05:29I'll try and leave it alone in future, all right?
05:33Now, good Lord, is that the time?
05:35Look, are you eating?
05:36No, I want to get down to shops before they're too packed.
05:37All right, well, come on then.
05:38I'm going to give you a lift now,
05:39because I've got to go and drop off some printing at Boyce's.
05:42All right?
05:44Dear old dear, look at that.
05:46Albert, I'll see you later.
05:47And you know what you can do with that rubbish, don't you, eh?
05:50Look at this.
05:53Put it in the oven.
05:54Put it in the oven!
06:02Still going to work?
06:03Yeah, I thought you'd gone as well.
06:05No, I overslept a bit when I woke up.
06:08Do you want a bit of breakfast?
06:09Well, yeah, I'll have a...
06:11No, I'll have a glass of orange juice.
06:14Well, you'd better get a move on.
06:16It's gone nine.
06:17Yeah, well, the thing is, son,
06:20I thoroughly feel well enough to go to work today.
06:23Could you give him a ring and tell him I won't be there?
06:25What's wrong with you?
06:26Oh, you know, it's my stomach.
06:28It sort of aches and that.
06:29I think I've got a viral condition, you know.
06:31There's a lot of it about.
06:32Yeah, especially amongst the regulars down at Naz Head.
06:37I've not got a hangover, if that's what you're thinking.
06:39All right, I had a couple of drinks last night.
06:41Yeah, and the night before, and the night before that.
06:44Yes, all right, just...
06:47Ask for the personnel department, all right?
06:50Go, Pat.
06:52Hello?
06:53Could I have the personnel department, please?
06:56They wouldn't have had the likes of you in the armed forces.
06:58Let's get out of World War Three, then, doesn't it?
07:00Hello? Oh, good morning.
07:02I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter.
07:04He won't be in today, cos he...
07:07What do you mean, who is he?
07:08Who are you?
07:09The cheeky cow. You tell her on...
07:12Tell her on the head. The head of the computer section.
07:15He's the head...
07:16He's the head of the computer section.
07:21Yeah, that's him.
07:27Well, he won't be in today cos you've got the bellyache.
07:31I know you might be a bit egg-bound.
07:35Right.
07:36Yeah, all right, dear.
07:38Bye.
07:38All right?
07:39All right? What do you mean, all right?
07:41What did you tell her I had a bellyache for?
07:42Well, that's what you've got, innit?
07:44No, it is not.
07:45You said you had an ache.
07:46I have.
07:47In your belly?
07:48Yes.
07:48Well, ain't that a bellyache?
07:49No.
07:50I must have got the wrong head of the stick, son.
07:53A bellyache is what you have when you're trying to get out of school sports day.
07:57Heads of computer sections have viral conditions.
08:00Well, whatever it was, they know you won't be into work today.
08:03I don't think I can go to work ever again.
08:05Bloody egg-bound.
08:08Hey, Albert.
08:09Have you seen the keys to the van?
08:10Look, get that breakfast on the...
08:12What are you doing now? I thought you were supposed to be at work.
08:14You're not going to work today.
08:15Why not?
08:16You've got a viral condition.
08:17What's that?
08:19A bellyache.
08:22Well, that must have come on rather sudden, Rodney,
08:24because last night you were feeling no pain.
08:26I know what you're thinking.
08:28No, you don't.
08:29Just because I had a couple of drinks, you automatically assume I have a hangover.
08:33Oh, dear.
08:34Have you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning?
08:37Because you certainly ain't the fairest in the land.
08:40You look as though you've just come back from a Club 1830 trip to Chernobyl.
08:45Yeah, well, Chernobyl's not too far from the truth.
08:48My love life has taken on a distinctly Russian ambience.
08:52Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up.
08:57Don't want to believe what you read about the Russians.
09:00During the war...
09:01Oh, during the...
09:02Yeeve it out, will you?
09:03I was in the Soviet Union for a while.
09:05Here we go. We're back in the USSR.
09:08Listen, you've got no problems.
09:10They wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union.
09:12They wouldn't let you in the Plumber's Union.
09:14I was drive-dropped in Burmance for over a month
09:17and I met one or two of them Russian girls
09:18and I'm telling you, they're hot stuff.
09:20Oh, leave it out, Albert.
09:22No, it's true, Rodney. He's got a point.
09:24I mean, have you seen that love bite on Gorbachev's head?
09:29Come on, Rodney.
09:30Give me a hand up for these keys, will you?
09:31I've got to get that printing down to Boyce's.
09:33Oh, Albert, I want you to iron my midnight pink shirt
09:36for this evening I'm having cocktails with Alan.
09:38Cassandra's Day?
09:39Yes, Cassandra's Day, your father-in-law, your employer.
09:42And, Rodney, I don't know what you're going to say about your fun and games.
09:45How many days have you had off this week because of hangovers?
09:48You're going to push that man's loyalty too far, my son.
09:50You really are.
09:51I'm ill.
09:52Ill?
09:52All right, you're ill. I'll tell him, shall I?
09:53What have you got, the two bob bits?
09:57Derek, a viral condition sounds better.
09:59And what am I supposed to say about the situation between you and Cassandra?
10:03I'll tell him I'm working on it.
10:05Oh, yeah, that should cheer him up nowhere, shouldn't it, eh?
10:07Yes, all right. Come on in. Where are these keys?
10:09If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be looking for them, would I?
10:11Go and have a look in my bedroom. I'll look in the kitchen.
10:12I can't remember where I left them. I could have left...
10:16Hey, Rodney.
10:17Rodney.
10:18Listen, do you want me to phone and make an appointment at the doctor's for you?
10:22No, no, it'll be all right.
10:23Well, look at you. Look, you're limpy.
10:25Yeah, I know, and my socks soaked him, wasn't it?
10:26Somebody left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door.
10:44Do you?
10:46Come on.
10:47Will you get in that bloody house?
10:55Are we going out for the day, or are we?
10:58Yes, we are going out for the day.
11:01I am just waiting for the engineers to call to check this thing over.
11:05I mean, they said they'd be here at nine, look at it, quarter to ten already, and there's no sign
11:08of it.
11:09The old boy was supposed to bring my printing around.
11:11I suppose he's got held up by that woman.
11:13What's her name?
11:14Raquel.
11:14Yeah, the stripper.
11:17She is not a stripper.
11:18She is an actress.
11:20Oh, yeah?
11:21Really?
11:21Well, last time I saw her, she was acting the part of a stripper.
11:26Isn't that working yet?
11:27Yes, it's working.
11:29It's just that I can't train it on the satellites.
11:32I mean, how the hell am I supposed to know where they are?
11:34They'd fly them a bit lower, wouldn't you?
11:36Well, that wouldn't be a...
11:39Look, Tyler.
11:40Here, come round here and look at your daddy.
11:42Look.
11:44Here he is.
11:45Look at your daddy playing with his new toy.
11:49Don't he look stupid?
11:51This is not a toy, Marlene.
11:54You are looking at £2,000 worth of state-of-the-art technology.
11:57You never paid £2,000 for that.
12:00You got it hooky.
12:02Shh, Marlene.
12:03For God's sake.
12:04We've got a chief inspector living next door.
12:06I know.
12:07He was the one you got it off of.
12:09How come we got a cheap one from Dixon's like everyone else?
12:12Because this is not for pleasure, Marlene.
12:15This is a high-tech investment in my video leisure company.
12:18This thing can pick up the whole of Scandinavia.
12:23I can therefore record films of the more adult variety
12:27and show them to my more discerning clients.
12:30You mean perverts?
12:32A little bit medical about it, yes.
12:34I see.
12:35You've got a minute.
12:36Oh, he wants pain.
12:37And no messing.
12:38You paying.
12:39I know what a tight sod you are.
12:41Hey, and be nice to him.
12:43You know he's had problems.
12:45OK, I'll be nice to him.
12:48Don't get your face too close.
12:50It scares him.
12:58I just finished.
13:04Oh, you are finished all right.
13:06Look what you've done to my vestibule.
13:08I've got paint on me carpets, paint on me chandeliers,
13:10paint on me Chippendale telephone seat.
13:12You can't help a drop or two of paint.
13:14A drop or two?
13:15It looks as though someone's held an acid party in a Dulux warehouse.
13:19Sorry you're disappointed.
13:20What shall I do with the bill?
13:21Stick it where the mice won't get at it.
13:23I am not paying.
13:24Hang about, Boise.
13:25We had an agreement.
13:26You owe me 400 quid.
13:28We shook hands on it.
13:28Yes, and I had to wash the paint off afterwards.
13:31Now, look.
13:32You either adjust your bill to take account of all that damage
13:35or contact my solicitor.
13:37That is the last time I have a cowboy working on my property.
13:40I am not a cowboy.
13:42Not a cowboy.
13:43I've got spur marks on me grandfather clock.
13:46I don't like being called a cowboy.
13:49No one's ever called me that before.
13:51I am not a cowboy.
13:54Bronco!
13:56Oh, what's your girl?
13:57How's your luck, pal?
13:59Oh, I've just been working with a Boise here.
14:00That's how bad things are.
14:01You'll never guess.
14:03That tight-ass Burke's only refusing to pay me.
14:05Accused me of being a messy worker.
14:07Well, let's face it, Bronco.
14:08I mean, you are just a little bit sloppy, aren't you?
14:10I mean, look at the state of them overalls.
14:11I'm a painter and decorator.
14:13You'll know that.
14:14I only sold them to you last Tuesday.
14:16You know, I did ask Sandra of running through the washing machine,
14:18but the landlord's cut our electric off.
14:19Landlord?
14:20I thought you bought that little flat down on Chip Lane.
14:22The building society evicted us.
14:24Oh.
14:25So where are you now?
14:26In a bed and breakfast hotel out near the airport.
14:28Oh.
14:29It's handy if you like planes.
14:31Yeah, we're at the end of the main runway.
14:34Whooshy.
14:36Here.
14:36How's that little Kylie of yours thing?
14:39Oh, she broke her arm.
14:40No.
14:41Yeah, climbed up on a chair to look at a plane.
14:45Things are a bit grim for you, aren't they, Bronco?
14:47Yeah.
14:48Hey, maybe I should tell Boise, eh?
14:49Give him a sob story.
14:51What?
14:51Tell Boise a sob story?
14:53You've got to be joking.
14:54He's the one that cheered when Bambi's mum died.
14:58I just don't understand my luck lately, Del.
15:00If it can go wrong, it's gone wrong.
15:03A roof I retold has just collapsed.
15:05Last week, I rewired a bloke's flat.
15:07Yesterday, it caught fire.
15:08Oh, by the way, here's my business card.
15:10Just in case you need anything done.
15:11Oh, thanks.
15:12That's very handy.
15:12Yeah, I'll keep that.
15:15Now, I've worked hard to build up this business.
15:18And I've always led an honest life.
15:22Well, kept out of trouble for the last five years, haven't I?
15:24Yeah, that's true.
15:25Being banged up in Wandsworth Prison helped a bit, though, didn't it?
15:29And why did I go away?
15:30Because you have this tendency to nick very silly things.
15:34I mean, you were caught speeding down Streatham High Street
15:36in a knocked-off JCB.
15:39Look, Bronco.
15:41I know you've got these, um, problems.
15:44What do you mean, problems?
15:45Well, that psychiatrist reckoned you suffered from some sort of paranoia.
15:49You can't tell any notice of him, Del.
15:51He's always had it in for me.
15:56Oh, yeah, I never thought of that.
15:59Here, Bronco.
16:00Listen, do you need a few quid to tide you over?
16:03Oh, no, no, no.
16:03That's very nice of you, Del.
16:04No, I'll get me money, one way or another.
16:07See you around.
16:08All right.
16:08Listen, if you need any help, just give us the bell, right?
16:13Stay lucky.
16:26Oh, here you are.
16:27I brought your brilliant round.
16:29He's gone, has he?
16:30Yeah.
16:30Good.
16:32He's been decorating my vestibule.
16:34Oh, yeah.
16:35He made quite a good job of it, as it happens.
16:37I'm well pleased.
16:39But you refused to pay him.
16:41No, no, no, Del boy.
16:43I only refused to pay the agreed price.
16:46Well, as principle.
16:47I make a fuss.
16:49He doesn't want the publicity or the aggro, and so he knocks off 50% for goodwill.
16:53He gets a living wage, and I save 200 notes.
16:57It's good business.
16:58Yeah, but come on.
16:59I mean, look, he's got that Kylie and Sandra and Rackman to support, isn't he?
17:04Does this look like the Social Security to you?
17:07I mean, who is he, anyway?
17:09He's your brother-in-law.
17:11Do you think I like having a certified nutter working in my house?
17:15I only give him the job to help him out.
17:19Hey, talking of in-laws.
17:20Bloody Andy having Rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm, innit?
17:23All this at half price?
17:24Hey, does Alan know about this?
17:26It wouldn't matter if he did, because Rodney is totally in charge now.
17:28That place couldn't possibly operate without him.
17:31Oh, I always have faith in that boy.
17:33Yep, so did I.
17:34You've ordered a lot of print this time, haven't you?
17:36Yeah.
17:37I thought I'd get in quick before Rodney gets a sack.
17:59I've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos.
18:02Yeah, they sound a lot better, don't they?
18:03Yeah, that's right.
18:05And you can switch them off.
18:07Still, at least my ban on his singing's worked.
18:10Last night it was Trotter the Younger and his dopey mates.
18:13Were you in last night, Trick?
18:15Most probably.
18:17Yeah, well there was Rodney, Mickey Pierce, Jeb, dancing and poncing about, pretending to
18:21be Ninja Turtles.
18:23It's all had far too much to drink.
18:25Don't want that sort of thing in a pub, do you?
18:27No, you don't.
18:33He's singing.
18:34And does he know you banned him?
18:48Cool.
18:49Hello, au revoir to you both.
18:50Oh boy.
18:51Oh Del, what are you drinking mate?
18:53Just a peach, the curry please, Michael, and a chip-a-later sandwich.
18:57Yeah, Alan hasn't been in yet, has he?
18:58Must be having a drink with him tonight.
18:59I haven't seen him so far, Del.
19:01Oh, right.
19:01I saw Boycey about half an hour ago.
19:03He didn't even stop to say hello.
19:04Seemed in a right mood.
19:05Oh, I expect Marlene's taking the Velcro off his wife runs again.
19:10Sorry I'm late, Del.
19:12I am just phoned from the villa.
19:13Oh, that's all right, no problem.
19:14What are you drinking?
19:15Just a tomato juice.
19:17And a tomato juice on my bill, please, Michael.
19:19Would you deliver them to the table au vermoire?
19:21Thank you very much.
19:22Right, come on.
19:23Have a sit yourself down.
19:24Come on, Alan.
19:26Well, how are you?
19:26Oh, not bad, not bad, Del.
19:27Good.
19:28Well, you're most probably wondering why I asked to meet you tonight.
19:32Wondering?
19:32No, of course I'm not wondering.
19:33What could be more normal than relatives having a quiet drink together, okay?
19:37Oh, here he comes.
19:38Relatives.
19:38Thank you, Michael.
19:39Thank you, Grandma.
19:40Relatives.
19:41Relatives, yeah, well.
19:42We're family now, aren't we?
19:44Well, yeah, we are kind of related, sort of, yeah.
19:46What do you mean kind of sort of?
19:47Listen, when Cassandra married a trotter, you all became trotters.
19:53Is it?
19:53Is it?
19:53Oh, yes.
19:54Well, maybe not in the eyes of the law, but certainly in the eyes of my heart.
19:57Yes.
19:57Alan.
19:59We're family now.
20:00Yeah.
20:01What's mine is yours.
20:02I reckon that works the other way around and all, don't it, mate?
20:06About this villa of yours, I was wondering if I could...
20:08What's happened to Rodney today?
20:10Oh, Rodney, yeah.
20:11He's got a viral infection.
20:12Oh, yeah, the lady in personnel said he had the two bob bits.
20:15Eh?
20:16No, no, no, no.
20:17It's worse than that.
20:17No, it really is.
20:18Alan, he's very, very poorly.
20:19Will you call a doctor here?
20:20Yeah, well, I wanted to, but he wouldn't let me.
20:22No, that's his uncle's influence.
20:23He's trying to be a British bulldog.
20:25Oh, that's funny.
20:26Last night he was trying to be a Ninja Turtle.
20:30Rodney was down here last night.
20:32Down here?
20:32He was down here, up there, all over the place.
20:35Drunk as a sack he was.
20:36If he hadn't have been spending so much on drink, I would have slung him out.
20:40These viral infections, you know, they happen very suddenly, Alan.
20:43They really do, yeah.
20:44All right, dear.
20:45Now, cards on the table.
20:46This business with Rodney is what I really came to see you about.
20:48So tell me, what the hell is happening?
20:51Well, he's drinking too much, isn't he?
20:53And he's pretending that he's enjoying it.
20:54So that's why he's been having so much time off work recently.
20:56Yeah, that's right.
20:57I've been trying to tell him, but it's no good.
20:59I said if he carries on this rate, he's going to be a dead ringer for Keith Richards.
21:02Yeah.
21:03He looks like an extra from Halloween, as it is.
21:07So what do you think's brought it about?
21:08Oh, I don't know who can say.
21:09It's his lifestyle, I suppose.
21:11You know, late nights, women, booze, drugs.
21:15Rodney?
21:16Hmm?
21:17Oh, Rodney?
21:17Oh, not Rodney.
21:18No, I thought you meant...
21:21No.
21:24It's in...
21:30Oh, dear, dear.
21:31No, no, no.
21:32Well, it's obvious what the thing is, isn't it?
21:34I mean, it's this problem with him and Cassandra.
21:36Oh, yeah, that's just what I always feared.
21:38And I had hope that one day I could leave the business to them two,
21:40and I'd left it in good hands.
21:41Oh, yeah.
21:42Well, it's a dream come true, isn't it, eh?
21:43You could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?
21:48I didn't exactly mean falling off the perch, Del.
21:50I meant I could retire.
21:50Oh, yes, yes.
21:51Of course, sorry, yeah.
21:51Pam and I always planned to settle down in our villa in the sun.
21:54Yeah.
21:54Well, you could leave the business safely with Rodney and Cassandra.
21:58And if they got into trouble, I'd always be there to take control.
22:02Oh, yeah, well, Del, you see,
22:04you and I are about the same age, Del, so by that time you'd be retired soon.
22:08Oh, yeah, of course.
22:09Never thought of that.
22:10Yeah.
22:11I'd be able to come over and spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa, wouldn't I?
22:14Oh.
22:15Oh, yeah.
22:16Yeah.
22:16Wait till I tell her.
22:17Yeah.
22:19You and Pam, me and Raquel, you can just picture it, can't you?
22:21Oh, yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:23We'll have a few laughs, we'll be, eh?
22:25Eh?
22:25A few sangrias, bit of fried squid, lamb dada the night away, love.
22:29Let's have a drink to celebrate, shall we?
22:31Okay, no.
22:31All right, cool.
22:32Tell you what, I'll have a...
22:32No, I don't touch it.
22:34Oh, all right.
22:35Well, listen, about that villa of yours.
22:36I was thinking because I need you.
22:38Del, call for you, mate.
22:38Who is it?
22:38I don't know, someone called Blanco or Bronco or something.
22:41Oh, excuse me, Alan.
22:42It's a very important business associate of mine.
22:45Yeah, Del, I'd hurry up if I were you.
22:46Sounds like he's had a skimple.
22:49Excuse me, Alan.
22:52Yeah, Bronco, what is it?
22:54Yeah?
22:57You never know what you've got till it's gone.
23:00Eh?
23:02Yeah, I suppose you're right there, Trigger.
23:04I know how much it can hurt.
23:05I had a relationship breakup a few years ago.
23:08She worked at my council depot.
23:10She was a lady road switcher.
23:12Oh, no.
23:12She was management.
23:13Real high flyer.
23:15You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom.
23:19Linda.
23:20Nice girl.
23:22Had a funny eye.
23:23Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming.
23:30Anyway.
23:32She'd heard about this little hotel down near Henley-on-Thames.
23:35And she said to me,
23:37How about spending a weekend there?
23:39Yeah, go on.
23:40Go on, Bronco.
23:41Yeah, sorry.
23:42What sort of man are we talking about?
23:44Well, look, I'll have to pop down and see it, won't I, eh?
23:47Yeah.
23:47Yeah?
23:48What?
23:50What happened?
23:50What happened?
23:51Was it a nice weekend?
23:52Yeah.
23:53At least I thought it was.
23:54But she didn't want to see me no more after it.
23:57Oh, well, I, eh, I don't like to pry, Trig, but, eh.
24:00No, no, no, no.
24:00It's a bit personal.
24:02Hang on, Bronco.
24:03Trig, what happened?
24:08She got jealous.
24:10I heard later, through friends, that she wanted to go with me.
24:19I'll have a large scotch, Mike.
24:25Sorry, what, what did you say then, Leroy?
24:28Sorry, do what?
24:30No, I can't hear you.
24:32Still a bit of mud and dirt over there, love.
24:35Thank you, Albert.
24:36Pleasure, dear.
24:38Sorry, what did you say, Leroy?
24:39I can't, Albert.
24:41Sweetheart, could you switch the J Edgar off?
24:43I'm on the mobile blower.
24:44It's all right, please, sweetheart.
24:46Right, now, what were you saying, Leroy?
24:49Eh?
24:51Sorry, I can't hear you.
24:51Can you hear me?
24:52Can you hear me?
24:54Can you hear me now?
24:55Can you hear me now?
24:56Can you hear me now?
24:57Can you hear me?
24:58I can't hear you.
24:59Oh, blow this for a game of toy soldiers.
25:01Oh, dear, look, we've been cut off.
25:03He knows what he wanted.
25:05Del, can I ask you something?
25:07Yes, of course you can, sweetheart.
25:08Before I moved into this flat, how did you keep this place clean?
25:12We didn't.
25:14That's what I say is, I seem to spend my whole time hoovering.
25:16Well, take a break.
25:18There's loads of ironing to be done in the kitchen.
25:21That's a joke, Trotter.
25:22Otherwise, you'll be drinking that aftershave.
25:24Yes, of course, it's a joke, sweetheart.
25:26Tell you what, come on, take a break.
25:28Come on, come and sit down here, put your feet up.
25:30I'll go and put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea.
25:32How about put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea, will you?
25:35Oh, look out, here he comes.
25:37You having for lunch, Rodney?
25:38I've just picked up my orders from Alan.
25:41I've got to go and meet Cassandra at the airport.
25:44Oh, by the way, I bumped into Leroy this morning.
25:46He was really upset about some mobile phone or something you sold him,
25:49so I told him to give you a ring.
25:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
25:54Okay.
25:55Right, thanks very much, bro.
25:56Yeah.
25:56So, you've had a little chat, then, with Alan?
25:58No, he left a message with his secretary.
26:00He weren't at work today.
26:01He's got some sort of virus.
26:02Come on, is he there?
26:04What was he want me to pick Cassandra up for?
26:06I think it's a good idea, give you and Cassandra a chance to have a chat.
26:09I ain't talking to her.
26:10No, she weren't talking to me before she went away, so I ain't talking to her now.
26:14Oh, grow up, Rodney.
26:15It's got nothing to do with you, Raquel.
26:17Or you.
26:18Hey, don't you ever pop at Raquel.
26:20Well, just stay out of my life.
26:23Come on, dear, oh, dear.
26:25That is one touchy little sod there.
26:27Well, don't put too hard on him.
26:28He's going for a bad patch.
26:30He'll be going through the bloody window if he carries on at this rate.
26:34I'll get it.
26:35No, I'll get it.
26:35You sit here, sweetheart.
26:36I'll go.
26:37Oh, you've gone now.
26:42Oh, it's Raquel.
26:44You look so different, fully clothed.
26:47I suppose I've got to ask you in.
26:49Yes, I want to get away as quick as possible.
26:50I've left the Mercedes park downstairs.
26:52You know what they're like on this estate.
26:53They'd have the wheels off a jumbo if it flew too low.
26:56Go on now, go in.
26:57You're too kind.
27:00Del?
27:01Oh, hello, Boisey.
27:02What do you want?
27:04Oh, dear.
27:04Do I detect an atmosphere in Shade Trotter?
27:07Most probably Del's heart of shame.
27:10I think I'll go in the kitchen with Rodney.
27:13I suddenly feel rather nauseous.
27:17You've got one in a million there, Del boy.
27:19Yeah, I know.
27:20What can I do for you, Boisey?
27:21Well, Derek, you may have heard that I've recently acquired a rather expensive piece of
27:27electronic hardware, a television satellite aerial receiver.
27:31No, I didn't know that.
27:32Oh, yes.
27:33Yes, and I'm not just talking about one of those 150 quid Mickey Mouse jobs you see glued
27:37to the side of reclaimed council houses ruining the beauty of the stone cladding.
27:41I'm talking two grand, high-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication.
27:46Leave it out, Boisey.
27:47You're making it jealous.
27:47Yes, you're not the only one, Del.
27:49Yesterday, some get nicked it.
27:51You're kidding.
27:51Yes.
27:53When I went out in the morning, there it was standing in my back garden when I came back
27:56later.
27:56There it wasn't.
27:57You catch on fast, Del.
27:59Well, what do you want me to do about it?
28:01Well, the word is that a very similar television satellite receiver was seen entering this estate
28:07tied to the back of a lorry.
28:09So, if any of your contacts should offer you an almost new aerial dish, buy it off them
28:15for me as cheap as possible.
28:16Offer them 300.
28:17I'll go to five at a push.
28:19You what?
28:20You want to buy your own property back?
28:22Mr. Why don't you go to the gendarmes?
28:23Oh, no.
28:24No, they're very busy people.
28:26In any case, I thought I'd save a bit of time doing it this way.
28:28You know what I mean?
28:29Yes, I know what you mean.
28:30All right.
28:31I'll tell you what, Boisey, I've kicked the hit to the ground.
28:33If I hear anything, I'll give you a bell, all right?
28:34All right.
28:35Goodbye, Raquel.
28:36Glad to see you've settled in so well.
28:39Is your son about 11 years old with a Mohican haircut?
28:41Good God, no.
28:43Well, who's that sitting in your Mercedes?
28:47Go on, Moisey, my son!
28:52Hope he falls down the stairs.
28:55You feeling better now?
28:57Yeah.
28:58I'm sorry about just now.
29:00That's all right.
29:01Forget it.
29:01Come on, come on, sit down.
29:02Come on, sit down.
29:04So what are you going to do?
29:06I don't know.
29:07Do you want your marriage to work?
29:09Yes.
29:10Really?
29:11Honestly?
29:12Really and honestly.
29:14I just want me and Cass to go back to the way we were, you know.
29:17If she wants to pursue a career and has to go to functions and seminars at the bank,
29:23then I don't mind anymore.
29:24I really don't.
29:26Well, why don't you tell her that?
29:29Canapé de Anchois!
29:31What?
29:31The governor of the Bastille said as the old flames lit round his april.
29:35That is French.
29:37And it means, I gotta do something quick.
29:43So if Cassandra had a woman I loved.
29:46A woman who said she loved me.
29:49Now I find myself halfway between paradise and Nelson Mandela House.
29:55I just wanted to believe that I mean everything I say.
29:59I've tried everything in my power to convince her.
30:02I feel like I've taken a mountain to Mohammed only to find...
30:06He's already bloody got one.
30:14I better go and see if I can...
30:16Go on.
30:26You know why Alan asked you to go and pick Cassandra up at the airport, don't you?
30:30Because you weren't feeling well.
30:33No.
30:34It's because Cassandra and her mum have been sitting around that swimming pool in that villa of theirs,
30:39having exactly the same conversation as we've just had.
30:43She feels exactly the same as you do.
30:46Cassandra?
30:47No, her mum.
30:49Of course, Cassandra.
30:51Really?
30:52Yeah, really.
30:54Listen, have you got any money?
30:56Yeah, I've got money.
30:57Well, not a lot.
30:58No, no.
30:59I haven't got an idea.
31:01Right?
31:02Now I know the manager of this luxury hotel that's right near the airport.
31:07I used to go there during the mating season.
31:11Now, I could give him a bell, right?
31:13Get him to give you the bestest suite in the whole hotel.
31:17Like the four works, right?
31:19So when Cassandra flies in all round and relaxed, you could be there with a big bouquet of flowers and
31:25the keys to the honeymoon suite.
31:27A mini honeymoon, eh?
31:2980 months after the first.
31:32Do you really think it could work?
31:33Of course it could.
31:34What?
31:34You and your best whistle splashed, bro?
31:36You'll be home and dry.
31:39Go on then, I'm going.
31:40Good boy!
31:41You know it makes sense.
31:42I'll give him a bell now.
31:43Yeah, bell.
31:43What?
31:45You know I said I had some money?
31:47Mm-hmm.
31:47Well, since I started work for Ellen, I've been doing really well, you know.
31:52I know you've been struggling a bit lately, so what I'm saying is if you need it, it's there.
32:02Rodney, you are the jewel in Mum's crown.
32:06No, Rodney, you really are.
32:08Shut up.
32:08No, it's true.
32:10Thank you very much, bro.
32:11I appreciate that.
32:12But as it happens, I'm not doing too bad at the moment.
32:14I'm doing quite well with the old half-price printing.
32:16And I reckon I'm going to pick up a nice bit of bunce with that thing there.
32:33Good evening, Mr Trotter.
32:35I'm Henry, your concierge.
32:36Your brother phoned and said you would be requiring our very finest suite.
32:40Complete and utter privacy and a full English breakfast.
32:43Yes, thank you.
32:44Now, as this booking is of an intimate nature, I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy
32:49if we dealt only in cash.
32:51Oh.
32:52Yes, right.
32:53That'll be £150, please.
32:54£150!
32:57That's nice, of course.
33:01Oh, and there's a special surprise.
33:03Derek has also ordered champagne on ice.
33:05Only the very finest champagne, Derek said.
33:08Money is of no object.
33:10Oh, that was nicer, wasn't it?
33:11That'll be another £70, please.
33:14What?
33:16Well, he can be very, very generous at times, can't he?
33:24I, uh, believe you have a guest joining you.
33:27Uh, yes.
33:29A special evening, is it, sir?
33:31Oh, yeah.
33:32If I'm...
33:34Um, yes.
33:35My wife will be landing at the North Terminal in about an hour.
33:38Oh, I see.
33:40Well, don't worry.
33:41If she should call at the hotel, I'll say I've never heard of you.
33:45No, you don't understand.
33:46My wife is my guest.
33:48Your wife?
33:48Yeah.
33:50Oh, well.
33:51It takes all kinds.
33:53Now, can I order you a bouquet of flowers?
33:55Oh, no.
33:56My brother got me a bouquet.
33:57They're out in the van.
33:58In the car.
34:21Excuse me.
34:22I shouldn't think it'll be arriving until sometime tomorrow.
34:24Miss, excuse me.
34:25I'm very sorry.
34:26Can I help you, sir?
34:28Yeah.
34:28Have you got any idea when flight 475 from Malagu will be arriving?
34:31I'll just change.
34:34That flight should be landing in about ten minutes, sir.
34:37Oh, good.
34:38In Manchester.
34:41In Manchester?
34:42I'm afraid it was rerouted.
34:44I'm waiting for me wife.
34:46I've booked a hotel suite.
34:47I've got a bottle of champagne.
34:49I've spent my eye on 200 quid waiting for this flight.
34:51Yes, sir.
34:52But as you can see, the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment.
34:55Your wife was lucky to take off at all.
34:58Information.
34:59Can I help you?
35:09The important thing is she landed safely.
35:12Yes, in Manchester.
35:14I mean, so much for my big surprise, eh?
35:16Tonight has cost me nearly 250 quid.
35:19I thought by now me and Cass would be, you know, sat in the honeymoon suite,
35:22sipping champagne and having a quick look at her holiday snaps.
35:28Do you know how much tonight it's cost, mate?
35:30About 250 pounds.
35:31Nearly 250 pounds it's cost!
35:34Oh, dear.
35:35Michael, give us a non-alcoholic lager for the stud over there, will you?
35:40What's wrong with him tonight, Del?
35:41Looks like he's just come back from a funeral.
35:43Well, in a manner of speaking, Michael, he has...
35:46It's all rather personal and private.
35:48I don't want to say any more, but sufficient is it to say that
35:51Rodney thought he'd be enjoying the fruits of love this evening.
35:54Instead, he's enjoying a packet of pork scratchings.
35:57Oh, can I have two large glasses of your finest cognac for Raquel and moi?
36:03Celebrating something, are we?
36:04Well, you could say that, you could say that, Michael.
36:06Even as we speak, I've got 500 smack-a-roonies winging the way to this public house,
36:10safely tucked up in Boise's inside pocket.
36:12Well, Boise's handing over 500 notes? What's happened?
36:15He had a whack on the head or something.
36:16Well, you could say that.
36:17It's wheels within wheels, Michael.
36:19Passeur pour la trompe, as they say in Nice.
36:22There you go, my son, and keep the change, alright?
36:25Del?
36:25Yeah?
36:25You're 40p short, mate.
36:27Oh, that's alright. Put it in the charity box, will you?
36:28Right.
36:29There you go.
36:31Go on, Rosie.
36:34Oh, I had such high hopes for tonight.
36:36Yeah, I thought you did by the way you walked in.
36:39Owen, thank you for ordering that champagne, Del.
36:42It's alright, brother.
36:43It's alright. What's the best, I hope?
36:44Yes.
36:4570 quid's worth.
36:46Well, there you are.
36:47That's it.
36:47Nothing but the best for a lady like Cassandra.
36:50Filly she's in Manchester, innit?
36:52Yes, it is.
36:53Stuart, you can talk to her tomorrow.
36:55She'll know you went out to the airport to meet her.
36:56Her dad'll tell her.
36:57Yeah.
36:58Yeah, I made the gesture, aye?
37:00That's what counts.
37:00Of course you did.
37:01You'll thank me for this, my son, later on.
37:03I'll bet you will.
37:04Cassandra's up north.
37:05Yeah, I know.
37:07How'd you know?
37:07She just phoned from Manchester Airport.
37:09Wanted you to know she's safe and not to worry.
37:12Where'd you say Rodney was?
37:13I said he was spending the night in some hotel.
37:17Did you say which hotel?
37:19I couldn't remember its name.
37:21So I got over the phone number.
37:23But you told her I'd gone to meet her at the airport.
37:25Of course not.
37:26It was supposed to be a surprise.
37:30You scary old kid!
37:31She'll find a hotel to find out I've booked a honeymoon suite
37:34in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter.
37:36And she'll think that Rodney's gone queso with some tart.
37:39God, dear.
37:41I don't know how you're going to chat your way out of this one, Rodney.
37:44If you hadn't suggested booking the hotel room,
37:46none of this would have happened.
37:47Wait a minute.
37:48It was your hormones on turbo, not mine.
37:51You should have to find me.
37:53Phone Alan.
37:53He's bound to speak to us soon, so he can explain.
37:56Yeah, right.
37:57Good idea.
37:57I'll go back to the flat and I'll phone you.
37:58No need, no need.
37:59You can use my mobile.
38:01Second thoughts, better go back to the flat.
38:03You can give me a lift back, Rodney.
38:04Hurry up.
38:04You coming?
38:06Me?
38:06No, no.
38:06I've got to wait here for me money.
38:08Oh, hmm.
38:08I'm talking the devil.
38:10Ha, ha.
38:11Ha, ha.
38:12All right, Boycey.
38:13All right, Boycey.
38:14Don't hand the money over here in full view.
38:17I hear that intensive care is an order it's cracked up to be.
38:21You're in no danger.
38:22You're in no danger whatsoever, Del boy.
38:23I ain't handing you a penny.
38:25What are you talking about, Boycey?
38:27I got your satellite dish back for you, didn't I?
38:29Oh, no, you didn't, Del.
38:30At this very moment in time, my satellite dish is sitting in my back garden,
38:34picking up a very exciting episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki.
38:38You mean it?
38:38You said it'd been nicked.
38:39Yes, that's what I thought.
38:41However, I discovered this evening that while Marlene and I were out for the day,
38:44the engineers took it away for repair.
38:46Well, who's is that thing that I've got on my balcony?
38:49Oh, I don't know, Del.
38:50And to be perfectly honest, I couldn't give a monkey's toss.
38:59Is something wrong with this thing?
39:01Come on, Alan, answer.
39:03I can't find anyone called Bronco on your address book.
39:06Don't make much difference if you did, because he moved a little while ago.
39:09There are a lot of women in here.
39:12Oh, yeah, they're business associates of mine.
39:15Why have you put stars by some of their names?
39:17I don't know, I can't remember now.
39:19It's a long time ago.
39:20Let me have a look, can I?
39:21Yeah, thanks.
39:25He's not him.
39:26He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra,
39:28and she will tell him I booked into a hotel with another woman,
39:31he will fire me, she will divorce me,
39:33and it's all your fault.
39:34And yours.
39:34Oh, shut up, you tart.
39:37I've got problems of me own.
39:39Yeah, so have I.
39:40I just cannot get a picture from your satellite dish.
39:42Will you stop messing about with that television?
39:45I've got to find out where Bronco lives
39:47to find out where he got that satellite dish from.
39:50I thought you said he gave you his card.
39:52He did, and I filed it behind Boyce's Geraniums.
39:55Only that airport hadn't been in such a mess.
39:57And Cassandra's plane would have landed safely,
39:59and everything would have been great.
40:01I bet his M.A. traffic control has gone on strike in France again.
40:04That's it.
40:06That's it, Rodney.
40:07That is it.
40:08That's where Bronco lives.
40:10France?
40:10No, no.
40:11It's Gatwick.
40:11A little bed and breakfast hotel in Gatwick.
40:14But you can't remember what it was called.
40:16No, no, no, no.
40:17All I remember was it was named after somebody famous.
40:19Oh, well, that narrows it down, doesn't it, then?
40:22Uncle, would you pop into my room
40:24and get my 37 volumes of famous historical characters, please?
40:28We'll soon have this one sorted out, they'll, eh?
40:30Don't you get sarky with me, Rodney.
40:32It was named after someone famous.
40:33Famous painter.
40:34That's what it was.
40:35There you are.
40:36All right, come on, Bamba.
40:37That's your start number ten.
40:38Away you go.
40:38All right.
40:39Famous painter.
40:41Michelangelo?
40:42No.
40:43Rembrandt?
40:44Picasso?
40:44No, no, no.
40:46Rubens?
40:46Van Gogh?
40:47No.
40:48Botticelli?
40:49No.
40:50Turner?
40:51No, no.
40:52Famous French painter.
40:53French?
40:54Why didn't you say he was French?
40:55Well, I just said so, didn't I?
40:56Bloody hell.
40:57Monet?
40:57No.
40:58Manet?
40:59No, she just said that.
41:00I said Monet.
41:01I know.
41:02That's what she just said.
41:03Pay attention, Rodney, will ya?
41:05Adolf Hitler used to be a painter.
41:07I don't believe it.
41:08How long has he been French?
41:09And who in their right minds would call a hotel the Hotel Hitler?
41:14Famous French painter.
41:16Lautrec?
41:17No.
41:18Renoir?
41:19No, French.
41:21Degas?
41:22Baudin?
41:23Pissarro?
41:24Surat?
41:24Tissot?
41:26No.
41:27Schubert?
41:28Schubert?
41:30Schubert, you soppy old geeks.
41:33That's it.
41:34He's got it.
41:35The Hotel Schubert.
41:38Schubert?
41:38Yes.
41:39Well done, Anc.
41:40There you are, you see.
41:41Look at ya.
41:41All these GCEs, and it takes an old sea dog to come up with the answer.
41:45Schubert weren't French?
41:47No.
41:47No, and he weren't a painter.
41:49Well, he should have been.
41:51Here it is.
41:51Here it is.
41:52I've got it.
41:53Schubert was a German composer.
41:55Austrian, actually.
41:56Oh, you mean you knew?
41:58Oi, Albert, how did you know about Schubert?
42:00Oi, Oi, Oi, Oi.
42:00What do you mind?
42:01Look, I'm trying to get on a blower, aren't I?
42:03Hello?
42:03Oh, good evening.
42:04Can I speak to Mr Lane, please?
42:07Shall we just forget about the satellite dish?
42:09Watch the ordinary telly?
42:10Yeah, seven years, don't I?
42:12There might be some report about the ecological destruction of our planet.
42:16Anything to cheer me up?
42:18Ah!
42:18Bronco!
42:19Hello!
42:19How are ya, son?
42:20Oh, right, listen.
42:22Listen to me.
42:23Now, tell me something.
42:23I want to know, where did you get that satellite dish from?
42:29Sorry?
42:30What are you apologising for?
42:32I said, alright, alright, alright, don't worry.
42:34Alright, so you was desperate and you had a funny turn.
42:36You know, I can understand that.
42:38I've had Rodney living back with us.
42:41You know what?
42:42Of course I know what it is.
42:43It's a satellite receiver dish, isn't it?
42:46Eh?
42:47What do you mean that's what you're for?
42:49Hmm.
42:51Bronco, why are you crying?
42:54What is it then?
42:57Where did you get it from?
43:01Oh, my God.
43:03Oh, hell's bloody bells.
43:06So where did he get it from?
43:08He didn't say.
43:10Del?
43:11What?
43:11Come and have a look.
43:12What?
43:13What is it?
43:14Turn it up, turn it up.
43:15The radar transmitter dish, similar to the one shown here, was stolen from the end of Gatwick Airport's main runway
43:22during the early hours of yesterday morning.
43:25The theft brought Gatwick Airport to a complete standstill, which caused chaos throughout Europe and left thousands of returning holidaymakers
43:33stranded.
43:33What?
43:35The Prime Minister...
43:36Who caused that?
43:38You've brought Europe, a whole continent, to a standstill?
43:47I didn't mean to.
43:51That's why Cassandra's plane had to land in Manchester.
43:53That's why she's stuck up there instead of being in my honeymoon bed.
43:57That is why my marriage is all but bloody over!
44:00Rodney, you know, haven't you ever made a mistake?
44:03I mean, you thought it was a statalite aerial dish and all, didn't you?
44:05Can't you include me in this?
44:07Listen, look, I can't show it to you.
44:08It looks like one, doesn't it?
44:09Look, just come and have a...
44:10Look, there it is, look.
44:12Don't...
44:12Alright, alright.
44:13Don't worry, look.
44:14I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
44:15And then I...
44:35We did it!