- 13 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00What are you doing me physical jerks?
00:02Oi, Gazza.
00:05Don't you tell her that Rodney's still in bed, sleeping off another hangover, will you?
00:09What do you take me for?
00:10Give me five minutes and I'll write out a list.
00:13All right, Cassandra.
00:15Yeah, I'll tell Rodney you called as soon as he gets up.
00:18I don't believe you.
00:19I mean it.
00:20I mean in.
00:22Yeah.
00:23Tell Cassandra I'll phone her later.
00:24I've got to get this stuff in the freezer.
00:26Raquel says she'll call you later.
00:28Hey?
00:28Oh, yeah, she's all right.
00:29She's fine.
00:31I mean, women like being pregnant, don't they?
00:34And how are you feeling?
00:35Hey?
00:36Good.
00:37Me?
00:37I'm all right.
00:38I just joined the over-sixties club down on the estate.
00:41Give me a new lease of life it has.
00:42Hey?
00:43Yes, I will be there, but I'm not interested in all that.
00:46No.
00:47Like a squirrel, ain't interested in nuts.
00:50I used to be a bit of a cast-nobie in my younger days.
00:53I could tell you a tale or two, Cassandra.
00:56Yeah.
00:57During the war, I...
00:58Hey?
00:58Some of your front door is there.
01:01Oh, well.
01:02Bye for now, Cassandra.
01:03Bye, love.
01:07Mrs Lane.
01:08Oh, may I call you Dora?
01:09May I have the pleasure of this next dance?
01:11Thank you, Lani, Lani, Lani, Lani, Lani, Lani.
01:19Oh, my God.
01:21What time do you call this, Robbie?
01:23I've called this 11.30.
01:24What time do you call it?
01:26Disgusting, young man like you, getting up half past 11 in the morning.
01:29Your brother was up and out of here, seven o'clock.
01:32Then he come back and took Rackley out shopping.
01:33Yeah, well, that's because Del has got a job to go to and money earning opportunities.
01:39And he's got a woman in his life.
01:40What have I got, eh?
01:42I've got no job to go to.
01:43I've got no wife to say good morning to.
01:46You might be a bit more chirpy if you didn't make up with such a hangover.
01:49I have not got...
01:51I have not got a hangover.
01:53I am fine.
01:54There's nothing wrong with me.
01:57Cassandra found just what they were.
01:59You didn't tell her, did you?
02:00Nah.
02:02She just wants yours checked towards a mortgage.
02:05Oh.
02:06Yeah, well, I'll sort that out.
02:11Oh.
02:12Morning.
02:12Oh, good morning.
02:13Morning, Rodney.
02:15That reminds me, sweetheart, the video shop's got Nightmare on Elm Street in.
02:21I've just been talking to Cassandra.
02:23She's just wanting to know how I was.
02:25He didn't tell her, did he?
02:26Nah, he said I was all right.
02:27What do you mean he didn't tell her?
02:29Well, are you all right, sweetheart?
02:30Yeah, I am okay.
02:32A bit of backache, that's all.
02:34Happens every time we go out in your van.
02:37Just not very comfortable, especially in my condition.
02:39I'm all right now.
02:41No, no, listen to me, sweetheart.
02:43Look, I'll tell you what.
02:44Look, look, you leave the shopping, I will continue with the shopping.
02:47You go in there and sit down.
02:47Go on.
02:48Go on.
02:48It's an order.
02:49Go on.
02:49Aye, aye, sir.
02:51Don't forget to deliver our birthday present.
02:53Nah, all right.
02:54Whose birthday is it?
02:55It's Boyce's little kids, anyway.
02:57You see, that three-wheel van wasn't designed for a pregnant woman with shopping.
03:01I'll tell you, she's getting bigger by the day.
03:04She's already been banned from the body shop.
03:07If I could just get that engine to run a bit smoother, I'm sure that would help.
03:10I told you, they stopped making spares for that van years ago.
03:13I've tried everywhere.
03:15Breakers' yards, spares shops, archaeologists.
03:20Archaeologists?
03:21Archaeologists?
03:21Listen to me, Roddy.
03:23Talking about archaeologists, you look as though you've just been dug up from somewhere.
03:26Why don't you take a leaf out of your uncle's book?
03:28Look, he's in there.
03:29He's just joined the over-60s club.
03:31He looks like a born-again teddy boy.
03:34You're not suggesting I join the over-60s club?
03:37No, they wouldn't have you.
03:37You look too old.
03:40There's been another mugging on the estate.
03:42Oh, dear.
03:43You don't want to believe all you read, though, Raquel.
03:45Look at that.
03:46It's exaggerated, you know.
03:47If I got my hands on them, I'd string them up from the nearest lamppost.
03:50Oh, listen to him, will you?
03:51It's nearly the 21st century.
03:53He still wants to hang them up by the neck.
03:54Who said anything about hanging them up by the neck?
03:57Well, they'd better not try anything on me.
04:00I used to box for the Navy.
04:02Will you sit down, you soppy old sod?
04:05We'll have my back over to Monty on the floor in a minute.
04:15Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
04:18How can I help you?
04:20Oh, it's you, Marlene.
04:22Yes, I am going out to get Tyler's birthday present in a minute.
04:27Marlene, I'm trying to run a business here.
04:29If you remember, I sell quality used cars.
04:33You want me to take that old banger down the scrapyard?
04:35Yes, I'll tell you.
04:36Get me coat.
04:39A baby grand?
04:41Well, of course I want him to be cultured,
04:43but for God's sake, Marlene, he's only two.
04:46I don't give a toss what Beethoven could do when he was three.
04:49Tyler should start off in a smaller way.
04:52Yes, all right, Marlene.
04:54Leave it to me.
04:55I'll surprise you.
04:59Where can I get a mouth organ from?
05:03Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
05:06How come...
05:07Oh, it's you, dull boy.
05:08How's your luck?
05:08Couldn't be better, boys.
05:09You couldn't be better.
05:10Business is so good there aren't enough hours in a day.
05:13I'm thinking of taking on extra staff.
05:15Taking on being the operative phrase.
05:18Roddy, we're going to do something useful like go back to bed, son.
05:21Anyway, Boyce, listen, we've got a birthday present for the ankle biter.
05:26Oh, cheers, Del.
05:27Yes, we're going to have a little celebration, just a few dear and close friends.
05:32I suppose you and your family could come along as well, if you like.
05:35That's very nice of you, Boyce.
05:38Listen, do you reckon that you could get one of your mechanics to have a look at my van?
05:41I know, just the bloke.
05:43He had a family bereavement recently.
05:44He could do with a good laugh.
05:48No, sorry, Del.
05:49I just think it's about time you got yourself something more powerful.
05:54Like what?
05:55I don't know.
05:56A food mixer?
05:58Very funny.
05:58Very funny, Boyce, but that little van does everything that I need it to.
06:02Don't worry.
06:03No, no, Del.
06:03Keep the van for business.
06:05I am talking about a second car.
06:07Now, listen, I've been hearing about all this crime that's been occurring on your estate.
06:11Don't you think it's going to be safer for your Raquel to be driving rather than walking?
06:16Yeah, well, that's...
06:18Well, that's the point, Boyce.
06:19I'd never thought of that.
06:20Yes, and I mean, a man in your position, I mean, you need something that's going to reflect your image.
06:26I've got a lovely Skoda out in the showroom.
06:30Two years old.
06:318,000 miles on the clock, genuine.
06:33You can have it for two and a half grand.
06:35Two and a half grand's a little bit out of my price range, Boycey.
06:38What is your price range, Del?
06:40400 quid.
06:42400?
06:42You can't get a walking frame for 400.
06:46Just for a moment, Del.
06:47Your luck could be in.
06:49I've got a cracking little sports coupe.
06:52Came in as a parts shop on a Honda Prelude.
06:53Beautiful bodywork, sound engine, really nice little runner.
06:56Just needs a bit of a clean-up, that's all.
06:58Now, I was looking for a grand.
07:00But seeing as it's my son's birthday and you're a mate, I'll let it go for 400.
07:05Cushty.
07:06I'll pop down and take the butchers at it later then, Boycey.
07:09You all right?
07:09Right.
07:10Cheers, Del.
07:10All right.
07:11All right.
07:11I'm off down and scrappy.
07:13Are these the keys?
07:15There's been a change of plan.
07:25What do you think, Rodney?
07:27I don't know.
07:29She'll be patting me in my hands.
07:31Wee-hey!
07:32Rodney, you'll never guess what.
07:33I only bought a new car.
07:35Gordon Bennett.
07:37How about I thought it was Simon Le Bon.
07:40What are you doing?
07:41What are you dressed up like that for?
07:43I'm playing the over-sixties dominoes final down on Ag's Head against old Knock Knock later.
07:47So you got a new car?
07:49Yes, a cracker.
07:50Raquel's just driven it back.
07:51It's a beauty, isn't it, sweetheart?
07:52Yeah.
07:54One cup of tea, love.
07:56Yeah, I need something, Albert.
07:57So, you're a two-car family now, then, eh?
08:00Well, one car, one three-wheel van.
08:02Which is one car and one three-wheel van more than you got or ever likely to have.
08:06I wouldn't be so sure about that, Derek.
08:08There might be a job in here for me somewhere.
08:10You'll have to come up with a good excuse before you get a job, son.
08:12I mean, how are you going to explain away them ten years when you were Dill's partner?
08:16Albert's got a good point, Rodney.
08:18In all of those ten years, you weren't registered for income tax, national insurance or anything.
08:22Your work record shows you left school at 16 and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth.
08:27I've already thought of that.
08:28I'm going to say I was working for a foreign oil company in Saudi Arabia.
08:31What, straight from school?
08:33One minute you're a milk monitor, the next minute you're a petrochemist.
08:37No, sorry, bruv, that won't wash.
08:38Couldn't you say you've been on safari?
08:40What, for a decade?
08:42Did it say you got lost?
08:45A friend of mine went out with a guy who'd spent 12 years working for a safari company in Kenya.
08:50Nah, it's stupid, Matthew.
08:51Well, it's better than your paper-rounding Arabia, cobblers, isn't it?
08:55You ever thought of joining the Navy, Rodney?
08:57Well, funny enough, Unc, no.
09:01How can I join the Navy?
09:03Exactly.
09:04In the old days, you used to take anyone.
09:06I mean, let's face it, they took you.
09:08But nowadays, you've got to have a cot of qualifications, haven't you?
09:11I mean, what chance has Lawrence of Peckham got, eh?
09:14I don't mean the Royal Navy.
09:15I'm talking about the merchant.
09:18Just think of it, Rodney.
09:19Imagine.
09:21Monday, you sail out to Southampton water.
09:23Tuesday, you throw the fire biscuit.
09:25Wednesday, you round in Cape St. Vincent.
09:27Thursday, you dock in Algiers.
09:29Friday, it's your turn in the barrel.
09:32Right?
09:33There was nothing like that on any of my vessels.
09:38Two funny ones, but nothing like that.
09:41Well, what do you reckon, Rodney?
09:43Yeah, well, if it's all the same to you, Unc, I think I'll take a rain check on this one.
09:46I don't know what you're missing.
09:47Yeah, well, that suits me.
09:50Do I, I've been thinking.
09:51Try as independent traders, it's been going through a period of commercial augmentation, hasn't it?
09:57No, I've been doing all right, Rodney.
09:59I was thinking that things must be getting pretty hectic for you on the old business front, eh?
10:03Oh, yeah.
10:04Oh, straight, Rodney, it's one power breakfast art or another, it is.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Yeah, I suppose it ain't all champagne and backgumming for you yuppies, is it, eh?
10:11I know, as you were saying earlier, you was thinking of taking on more staff, so, um...
10:15Well, seeing as I'm temporarily between positions, and, uh, if the conditions are acceptable,
10:20I'm willing to work for you.
10:22Hmm.
10:23No way, Pedro.
10:25Look, I've got all the...
10:26No way, Pedro?
10:28I don't need you, Rodders.
10:30Look, I could be very useful to you during this period of growth.
10:32Oh, yeah?
10:33How?
10:34Well, I'm a good salesman.
10:36Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
10:37You couldn't sell a black cat to a witch.
10:40Yeah, but now, now I've got managerial experience.
10:45No.
10:47I could computerise your entire business.
10:50No.
10:51I have got executive qualifications.
10:55No.
10:57Well, can you lend us a fiver, then?
11:00A fiver?
11:01Didn't realise things were that bad, Rodney.
11:02And you want to be my financial advisor.
11:06It wouldn't be anything.
11:10Yeah, well, I'm desperate, aren't I?
11:12All right, Rodney, I'll tell you what.
11:13I will give you a job with Trotters Independent Traders PLC.
11:18Fine.
11:19And what wage structure will I have?
11:22Wage structure?
11:22Well, I don't know.
11:23It'd be the same as before, wouldn't it?
11:24Good.
11:26So, what was that, then?
11:28What was that?
11:29It would mean, if I've got cash on the hip, I'll pay you.
11:31All right.
11:32And what title will I have?
11:34Well, we'll call you Lord Rodney.
11:39I meant company title.
11:41See, I was thinking you could call me your Director of Commercial Development.
11:45Yes, yes, all right.
11:46No, that sounds very good to me, yeah.
11:49All right, then, so.
11:50As it says in the Bible, clothes makeeth the man.
11:53So, I want you to whip round your flat a bit lively.
11:56What, and pick up my best suit?
11:57No, pick up your car cleaning gear.
12:02What do you reckon?
12:08How much do you reckon I paid Boisey for it?
12:11What, he charged you?
12:13I stole it off him, Rodders.
12:15400, dicker.
12:17Yeah.
12:18It's a peach.
12:19It handles like Maradona.
12:21Oh, Del, look at the paint work.
12:24It's got no shine to it.
12:25By the time I finished, it'll look brand new.
12:29Oh, er, Rodney.
12:32Listen.
12:34I've been, er, I've been meaning to ask you something.
12:37And look, it's a little bit embarrassing.
12:39So, er...
12:40I ain't cleaning it, you bloody well are.
12:42Oh, no, no.
12:44The days when I used to do all your dirty work are long gone.
12:47I used to run my own computer section, Del.
12:49I was an executive.
12:51And now you're cleaning my Capri gear.
12:53You seem to forget, Rodney, that you are my employee.
12:57Since you left Cassandra and your job,
13:00you've been eating and sleeping in my flat for Nick's.
13:03Now, if you want to hand in your resignation,
13:05that is all right by me.
13:06I'll help you find a little bed set.
13:09I'll even give you a little leaving present.
13:10A paraffin eater and a mousetrap.
13:13All right, I'll clean it.
13:15Are you quite sure about that?
13:17Yes.
13:20Thank you very much.
13:22I'm most grateful.
13:26Look at that lot over there.
13:28Looks like the Techni Tea folks day out, doesn't it?
13:31Hey, Albert's looking very smart.
13:33He must be after one of the ladies.
13:36I wonder if it's old Lil with the airy walk.
13:38Or is it the widow manky, her with the disposable teeth?
13:41You should have more respect, Mike.
13:43Those women went through a war for us.
13:45Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.
13:49It'd be lovely if Albert could meet some nice old lady
13:52that he'd been tumbling.
13:54Do you know who he's after?
13:55Yeah, your mum.
13:58Right, mum?
13:59Yeah, that's right.
14:00Him and his mate are after sorting her out, look.
14:02Why not having this?
14:03No.
14:04What if your mum plays her cards, right?
14:07Mum?
14:08I don't have a word with you.
14:09Yeah, all right, Molly.
14:10I'll tell you in a minute.
14:11Can I get you a drink, Dora?
14:13If you don't mind me, call you Dora.
14:14Do you, Dora?
14:15Of course I don't mind, Albert.
14:18I just got Dora a drink.
14:20Why'd you let Knock Knock get you a drink?
14:22It was my turn.
14:23You can buy me a drink in a minute.
14:25Yeah, all right.
14:27How'd a kid's birthday party go, boys?
14:29Oh, it was very successful, thank you, Trigger.
14:31All the right people were there.
14:32And Dell and Albert turned up.
14:35Thank you very much, boys.
14:37Now he's gone.
14:38Who's for another one, then?
14:39All right?
14:39Come around.
14:41Yeah, Mike.
14:42Yeah, Mike.
14:43Give me a minute.
14:44Them over by the jukebox.
14:46The morons from outer space.
14:47Who are they?
14:49I don't know, Dell.
14:49They've been using the pub for about two weeks now.
14:51Yeah, I know.
14:52I didn't think they were regulars.
14:53Like I say, I don't know nothing about.
14:55I think they're friends of the old mongrels down there.
14:59Here, Ollie.
14:59Ollie, just a minute.
15:00Come here, son, will you?
15:01Would you like, Dell?
15:02Yeah, listen.
15:02See that gang over there by the jukebox?
15:04Do you know anything about them?
15:05They started coming in here about a full night ago.
15:08Have they been hanging around the estate, like, at night?
15:11Yeah, a couple of times.
15:12Do you want me and the boys to beat them up?
15:13No, no, no, no.
15:15Wait.
15:15I don't want no trouble in this club.
15:17What are you drinking, Albert?
15:19I'll have a large navy rum beer.
15:22Put Ned in your pencil.
15:27Oh, there's a thing.
15:28Get on knock-knock and drink, will you?
15:30I'll have a pint of ordinary, dear.
15:32Hey, Albert, why do they call him knock-knock?
15:35Because he's a very bad dominoes player.
15:38I'm a bad player than you, Trotter.
15:39What?
15:40You've never beaten me at dominoes in all your life.
15:42I could beat you at anything.
15:43Even when I was at school, I could beat you at anything.
15:45Oh, come on.
15:46Boys, calm down.
15:48Start acting like grown-ups.
15:50I had a laugh to myself tonight, El.
15:52Did you drink it?
15:53Yeah.
15:54Why, something happened?
15:56Yeah, I was walking across the estate, past the garage block.
15:59It was half past seven at night, pitch black.
16:02And there was Dave polishing an old banger.
16:06That's what it takes.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:08I've forgotten all about my director of commercial management.
16:11You left him cleaning your car at night?
16:13Yeah, well, I've forgotten he worked for me.
16:17What's old Albert and Knock-Knock playing at?
16:19I don't know.
16:19It looks like ninja dominoes.
16:21What are you drinking, Boisey?
16:23Give him a large navy rum.
16:28Look at my clothes.
16:30Well, I told you to wear your car-cleaning gear, didn't I?
16:32Look, a director of commercial development does not wear stone-washed wranglers and Doc Martins.
16:37He does when he's cleaning the governor's cathery gear.
16:40And I've got a sore figure in my eye.
16:42Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
16:44Yes.
16:44That's where my hand went straight through the bodywork.
16:47Look at that bleeding.
16:48See, that's blood.
16:49You've got any blasters, mate.
16:50Yeah, give him a bl...
16:51What do you mean your hand went straight through the bodywork?
16:53It was a big rust hole in the wing.
16:55Boisey's blokes had filled it full of newspaper and filler, then sprayed over it.
16:59That is slanderous, Rodney.
17:01That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle.
17:03They were yesterday's newspapers.
17:07Were they really?
17:09Now, you took that car a scene, Dale.
17:11I don't owe you no favours.
17:13That's a bit unfair, Boisey.
17:14What about that 36-piece tea service he sold Marlene last month?
17:17Oh, yeah, that came in very handy.
17:19I gave it to the Boy Scouts' fate for their rifle range.
17:21But that was genuine Dresden.
17:23Yeah, genuine antique Dresden.
17:24And it was guaranteed dishwasher proof.
17:28I can't believe him sometimes.
17:33I don't know how you can ask me, with my executive qualifications,
17:36to go round the garage block and clean the Prattmobile.
17:39Don't you let Dale here, you call it that?
17:41Yeah, and what about that very important client I had come over from Belgium?
17:45I wanted two tickets for Wimbledon, so I could impress him.
17:47You said, leave it to me, Boisey.
17:49I've got a contact at Wimbledon.
17:50Well, I got you two tickets, didn't I?
17:52That's right.
17:53They drew nil-nil with hip-switch.
17:54That makes us even.
17:56No way, Pedro.
17:59I'll see you later, Gil.
18:00I'm going to mention you.
18:01Yeah, all right.
18:02What do you like, Dora?
18:03How about a large snowball?
18:05Oh, lovely.
18:07Mike, large snowball for Dora.
18:14Oh, ah, that's better.
18:17All right, sweetheart?
18:18Yeah, I'm fine now.
18:19Oh, cushy.
18:21Oh, I'll pick up my Capri gear in the morning,
18:23and I'll get me director of commercial development to drive the van back.
18:28Dale, I don't want to nag.
18:29Good, I'll put a record on.
18:32Can we afford to splash out 400 pounds on another car?
18:35I mean, do we really need another car?
18:37Yes, we do.
18:38You see, the reason why I thought...
18:40Look, just because the van gives me back eight was no reason for you to buy another car.
18:43No, I know, but if you listen, you see, there is a very...
18:45It's a waste of money.
18:46You do realise you've got a baby on the way, don't you?
18:48Yes, yes, I do.
18:49Little things do remind me.
18:50You just shut up and listen for a minute.
18:52I'll explain.
18:53Look, it's a very dangerous world out there, Raquel,
18:55and I don't want you walking down to the shops or the laundrette.
18:59I want you to drive.
19:00That way you'll be safe and sound.
19:01Now, do you understand what I'm saying?
19:03Is that why you bought it?
19:04Yes.
19:06Oh, aren't you lovely?
19:07Yes.
19:09Lovely, chocolate.
19:11Yeah?
19:13Well, you're only human, aren't you?
19:24Fancy a cup of tea?
19:27Del, it's Albert.
19:29What about Albert?
19:30There's no need to panic, all right?
19:31What's happened to Albert?
19:32He's been mugged.
19:33He's been what?
19:34Does he hurt?
19:35Well, I don't know, but he has got double vision.
19:37Where's this happening, Rodney?
19:38In his eyes.
19:41I don't...
19:41I don't really...
19:42Oh, no, no, sorry, yeah.
19:43As he was walking home from the pub,
19:45I was just coming back from Jevons,
19:46I saw this ambulance,
19:47had this big crowd of people around there.
19:48Did he recognise anyone?
19:49No.
19:49All he knows is there was four of them.
19:51Well, look, they got him down the hospital.
19:52Come on, let's go.
19:53All right, all right, you stay there.
19:54It's all right, sweetheart.
19:54Don't worry, listen, we'll sort it out.
19:56All right?
20:00Dick stick, Rodney.
20:03He's just going to put some clothes on
20:04and then we'll go.
20:11I said he might be suffering from shock for a few days.
20:14Yeah.
20:14You just wait till I get my hands on the bastards what did it.
20:17Then you'll see what a state of shock really looks like.
20:19Now, you stay out of it.
20:19The police can handle this perfectly well on their own.
20:21No, I don't need the old bill.
20:24People in this area are used to sorting their own problems out.
20:27It's traditional.
20:29You know, I remember once when I was, well, about ten years old,
20:32Mum had some of her jewellery nicked by this good-looking Italian bloke.
20:35Well, he wasn't good-looking after my dad had finished with him.
20:39Well, how could he be certain he was guilty?
20:41Because of the evidence, Rodney, the evidence.
20:43Dad found one of Mum's earrings on the back seat of this bloke's car.
20:50Oh, it's all right, Mum.
20:51It's all right, all right, all right.
20:52Just the door.
20:53Stay there, stay there.
20:53It's all right.
20:54Calm down, calm down.
20:59Hi.
21:00Ah.
21:01Hi.
21:02Just came round to see how Albert was.
21:04Yeah, well, he's, er, he's not too good at the moment.
21:08Well, come in.
21:11Hi.
21:12Oh, hello, Cassandra.
21:13I heard what happened to Albert.
21:15How is he?
21:16Well, he looks bloody horrible, doesn't he?
21:18Well, he stole his watch, his wallet, everything.
21:19I know.
21:20How are you feeling, Albert?
21:22I'm a bit bruised, dear.
21:23I was jumped on by five of them.
21:25Yes, all right.
21:26Well, you just keep five of them.
21:28I thought it was...
21:29Never mind, never mind, never mind.
21:33Rodney, why don't you make Cassandra a nice cup of coffee?
21:35Hmm?
21:37In the kitchen.
21:43Oh, yeah.
21:45Should I make a cup of coffee?
21:51Après moi, la deluge.
21:54I'll say in the Latin quarter.
22:01So, you're working for Dell again?
22:03Yeah, yeah.
22:04Yeah, it wasn't an easy decision.
22:06I've had loads of offers from local companies.
22:08Well, you know what these headhunters are like.
22:10Well, no, not really.
22:12Dell's asked me to be his director of commercial development, you know.
22:15Seek out new openings, find gaps in the market.
22:18And if a gap doesn't exist, create one?
22:20Yeah, yeah.
22:20That sort of thing, yeah.
22:22So I thought, well, that'll do me.
22:23Lovely jubbly.
22:25Huh?
22:26I tell you, it is pressure all the way.
22:28I am never off that phone.
22:29Oh, you cut your finger.
22:30Eh?
22:31Yeah, Dell got me to clean his car yesterday in the app.
22:34Yeah, well, I'll just do it as a favour.
22:37I don't know if you've noticed his new car parked downstairs.
22:39The green Pratt-mobile.
22:42Does he know you call it that?
22:43No.
22:44I don't think he'd be too pleased.
22:49So, things are going well?
22:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:52We're into property development now, theatre.
22:55Toilet rolls?
22:56Yeah, well, that's just the direct retail sales branch of the company, you know.
23:00We've got our contact in the city.
23:02What, the white city?
23:05There's no need to laugh at us, Cass.
23:07I'm not laughing at you, Rodney.
23:09I'm just trying to break the ice.
23:12So, how's our flat?
23:14Much the same as when you left it.
23:16Wish I could say the same about you.
23:19And what's that mean?
23:20You've changed.
23:21You're getting more like Dell.
23:23You're full of front and bullshit, Roddy.
23:25Look, you're even wearing the same clothes as Dell.
23:28These suits happen to be a new line we're selling, that's all.
23:32These are Romanian.
23:34We're just wearing to let the punters know what they look like.
23:37Do you think that's wise?
23:39We do know our market, Cassandra.
23:41And I'm not getting like Dell.
23:43You are, Rodney.
23:45Look, you're even wearing a Dell boy starter kit.
23:48Dell told me to wear this because we're...
23:51Look, understand one thing, Cass.
23:53I'm not getting like Dell.
23:54No way, Pedro.
23:56No way, Pedro.
23:59Look, I am very busy, Cassandra.
24:02Yeah.
24:03Well, I'll see you, Rodney.
24:04No, I didn't mean it like that.
24:06Goodbye.
24:06Look, I'll give you a bell during the...
24:15It's all right, all right, that's only me.
24:16I was just putting the security chain on.
24:18No one can get in.
24:19You're safe now.
24:20You all right?
24:21Yeah, I'm all right, son.
24:22What are you doing, Annette?
24:23Look, I'm just looking in my old box.
24:26See that?
24:27What's that?
24:27That's where I was born.
24:29Tobacco Road.
24:30Oh.
24:31Down by the docks.
24:32Yeah, that's right.
24:33Look, that's where he was born, sweetheart.
24:34Oh.
24:35See that there?
24:36That's the front of Tobacco Road.
24:38There's your nan.
24:39There's your granddad.
24:40He just joined the army doing his bit for killing country.
24:43Oh, yeah.
24:44Why has he got a vest and plimpsoles on?
24:47Oh, he just deserted.
24:50Albert, tomorrow, would you like us to take you back to where you were born?
24:54No, I ain't there any more, dear.
24:56I knocked it down.
24:58Oh, that film we wanted to see is coming on in a minute.
25:01Oh, thanks.
25:01Hey, what film's that, then?
25:02Out of Africa.
25:03Oh, not another documentary about AIDS, is it?
25:06No, it's a film with Robert Redford.
25:09You don't ever tell you about Tom Holtz in Africa?
25:11Yeah, thousands of times.
25:13No.
25:14Why?
25:14What happened, Albert?
25:15Well, during the war...
25:17During the war, I was on this hospital ship.
25:20We just picked up some of the wounded from Monty's North African campaign.
25:24We dropped them off in Durban.
25:26Yeah, I helped some of the lads off the ship.
25:29Tragic to see some of them.
25:31Bloody tragic.
25:32I cried for them.
25:35Daft, eh?
25:36No.
25:36There's nothing to be ashamed of.
25:38I cried when me mum died.
25:41Yeah, but you were only 16.
25:42I was a full-grown man.
25:44Yeah, well, I shed a tear or two, didn't I, when Rodney got married and left home?
25:49Cried even more when he came back.
25:52Most frightening thing in all my life happened while I was in Africa.
25:56We docked in Durban and a couple of black blokes came out.
25:59It was nice because me and my mates wanted to go and see the jungle.
26:02We jumped at a chance.
26:03Well, you like that when you're young, ain't you?
26:05Yeah, well, we've all done it, haven't we?
26:07Yeah.
26:07So we got up on this open lorry and went off and after about two hours the undergrowth
26:12got thicker and thicker, deep in the heart of the jungle.
26:16Anyway, somehow or another I got cut off from the rest of the party and I found myself in
26:21this clearing.
26:22I just started to retrace me steps when I heard a noise.
26:27I looked round and standing there was the biggest lion I've ever seen.
26:33Oh, well, you need all that, don't you?
26:36I looked at him.
26:37He looked at me.
26:40We just stood there looking at each other.
26:43When suddenly, he went...
26:47What's happening?
26:56I did a very childish thing.
26:59I wet myself.
27:02Full-grown man, I wet myself.
27:05It's all right, all right, hunk.
27:07Nothing to be ashamed of.
27:10Any bloke would have done the same thing, coming face to face with a man-eating lion.
27:15I don't mean when I was in the jungle.
27:17I mean now, when I was in the...
27:24I don't believe it.
27:34How long?
27:36I've got him.
27:37Yes, go on.
27:38He's got a change of clothes in the earring cupboard.
27:40All right?
27:41Yeah.
27:42How's Albert?
27:43Well, he's not his old self.
27:45Oh, good.
27:47What do you mean, good?
27:48Well, it's just a joke.
27:49I bloody well hope he was and all.
27:50Yeah, all right.
27:51We'll keep you there, mate.
27:53No, no, no.
27:56What?
27:57Oh, nothing, nothing.
27:58No, sorry, no.
28:11There's no better than him.
28:14No.
28:15No, he hasn't been out for ages.
28:17The doctor said he should try to get back to a normal life, you know.
28:20Yeah, that's right.
28:20I was there.
28:22You know, I reckon the...
28:25I reckon the problem is, right, you're being very kind and considerate, aren't you?
28:30I mean, you're being patient, understanding.
28:32Oh, yeah.
28:34Well, that's not normal, is it?
28:36What do you want?
28:37A doughboy around here, old Rodney?
28:38Ah, no, you see, that's normal.
28:40Do you see what I'm getting at?
28:41Well, this flat, right, it's all hurly-burly, people shouting and arguing at each other, isn't it?
28:45I mean, we don't mean any harm, it's just the way we are.
28:48But now, we're treating Albert with kiff gloves.
28:51Now, if it goes on much longer, he'll start using that as the norm.
28:54And then when we go back to the real normality, he'll go back into shock again.
28:58So you reckon we ought to toughen up on him?
29:00Well, I mean, gently, gently, a post ain't worked, has it?
29:03I can't be hard on him, Rodney.
29:05No, well, I mean, nor can I, but...
29:09We'd be doing it for him, wouldn't we?
29:12Otherwise, Dale, believe me, he's going to take root in this flat.
29:16Yeah, maybe.
29:18Oh, here you are, Ron.
29:20No, no, no, no, son.
29:21I'll sit over there.
29:23All right, if I have a band, you'll...
29:26Yeah, it's all right, I'll get you.
29:28Oh, no, no, no, it's all right, you know where it is.
29:29Go on, help yourself.
29:31Yeah.
29:34Well, we have got a very, very busy day ahead of us tomorrow, Dale.
29:37Oh, yes, yes, yes, we have, haven't we, Rodney?
29:39That's right, yes, so we won't have any time to go down to Packies and get any shopping, will we?
29:42No.
29:42And we can't expect Raquel to do it, can we?
29:44Not in her condition.
29:45No, we certainly can't.
29:48So, hospital...
29:50So, what are we going to do then, eh?
29:52Well, we'll have to send Albert down to the shops.
29:55Albert, you'll have to go down to the shops.
29:57I can't go out there, Dale.
29:58Yes, you can.
29:59I don't feel really up to it yet, Dale.
30:02Wait.
30:03You go down there and get them fish fingers.
30:06You listen to me.
30:08Rodney and I are very busy at the moment,
30:09because Trotter's independent traders are going through a phase of commercial augmentation, right?
30:15What with Raquel dropping her chavvy.
30:20I mean, we don't want any lame ducks, right?
30:23Because you're getting under our feet.
30:24You understand what I'm talking about?
30:25So, you better get up and get out,
30:27because you're no good to us the way you are.
30:28All right?
30:35I understand, Dale.
30:40I understand.
30:43Good night, boys.
30:51That was a bit hard, wasn't it?
30:55A bit hard?
30:56You just told me they should toughen up on him, didn't you?
30:58I was saying, you know, he was a bit tougher than I expected or something.
31:05Comfortable in that chair, wasn't he?
31:08Eh?
31:09No.
31:11Yeah.
31:19Just take this into Uncle Albutt and then I'll do your muesli.
31:23Oh, lovely jubbly.
31:27All these other ones say the same thing.
31:30Albert Trotter lost at sea.
31:31Well, he's gone.
31:32Hmm?
31:32Gone?
31:33Where's he gone?
31:33Well, he's not there.
31:34He's left a note.
31:35I won't get under your feet any longer.
31:37Your loving Uncle, Albert.
31:40Let me see that.
31:43That's because of what you said last night.
31:45Because of what I said?
31:46I didn't want to say anything until you told me.
31:48No, don't you blame me, Derek.
31:49I was only trying to get him out of his flat and back on his feet.
31:51I am not blaming anyone.
31:52Stop arguing.
31:53Go find him.
31:55Well, where's he gone?
31:56I don't know.
31:56Go and look.
31:57Oh, she's right.
31:58Come on, it's gone.
31:59Um, I'll take the van.
32:00You take the Prat-mobile.
32:01Yes.
32:02Even so.
32:12Yeah.
32:13What do you mean, Prat-mobile?
32:14We're so sorry if we caused you any pain.
32:26We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
32:33But there's no one left at home, but there's no one left at home.
32:37And I believe I'm going to rain.
33:00We're so sorry, but we had nothing all day.
33:06We're so sorry.
33:08We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
33:12But if anything should happen, we'll be sure to give a ring.
33:28No, Rodney, no luck at this then.
33:31How about you?
33:37We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
33:43But we haven't done a bloody thing all day.
33:49We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
33:55But the kettle's on the boil, and we're so easily going away.
34:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:12We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
34:53You all right, Uncle?
34:58What are you two doing here?
35:00We were worried about you, silly old git.
35:04We've been looking all over London for you.
35:06We found you now.
35:08We found you now.
35:08How'd you know I'd be here?
35:10Just a guess, really.
35:13You were born around here, weren't you?
35:15Yeah.
35:16Tobacco Road.
35:17My house was somewhere around here.
35:24What's this all about then, eh?
35:27Running away from home at your age.
35:29A lot of things been going through my mind lately, Del.
35:32I didn't know.
35:34I didn't know if I was coming or going.
35:36I feel I let the family down.
35:39I let you two down.
35:42No.
35:43Don't be so bloody daft.
35:45You didn't let anybody down.
35:47I needed to be alone for a while.
35:50But where were you going to go?
35:53I hadn't given it much thought, Ronnie.
35:56I didn't realise things had changed so much.
35:59When I first left home, I was about fifteen, I just come down here and got a job on a
36:05tramp steamer.
36:07Life seemed easier then.
36:10Well, things ain't all that much different now, but you can always come home to your family.
36:20Thanks, son.
36:21Come on in.
36:22Let's go.
36:22You know, once upon a time, ships from all over the world used to sail in here.
36:29The water used to be covered with a film of oil.
36:32And when the sun shone on it, it sparkled with all different colours.
36:39When I was a kid, I used to think rainbows lived in the water.
36:44So you was a bit of a divvy in them days and all, were you?
36:50Oh, sorry.
36:52There were chugs nudging freighters into position.
36:56Cranes lifting out timber from Canada. Bananas from Jamaica.
37:02The pubs and the cafes, they were filled with sailors from a hundred countries.
37:08By the time I was seven, I could swear in ten different languages.
37:13There used to be streets all around here.
37:15Loads of two up and two down houses.
37:18Doctors' mansions, they called them.
37:21Yeah.
37:22Ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall.
37:25Women used to come out and chase us away with their brooms.
37:29Yeah.
37:31They were rough people.
37:34But they were good people.
37:36During the Blitz, some of them painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse.
37:40Suddenly, Luftwaffe pilots could see it.
37:44They said,
37:45Dear Adolf, we can break our windows.
37:50But not our hearts.
37:57Look at what they've done to it now.
38:01Yeah.
38:03It's terrific, isn't it?
38:04Terrific.
38:07Yeah.
38:08I mean, do you know how much some of these drums are worth, Rodney?
38:11I'll tell you how much they're worth.
38:12They're worth an arm and a leg.
38:14You know, Lord Lindley's got one of these.
38:16And Michael Caine.
38:18Oh, yeah.
38:20Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it, eh?
38:24I could do with a bit of this.
38:26No, I could see myself with a nice little black Porsche parked outside,
38:30with the old windsurfer strapped to the roof rack.
38:34And have a few friends down, you know, from the city,
38:36and we'll have a private party in the pub, yonder.
38:39Poff a few glasses of the old Moet.
38:42Because I'm a champagne and liver sausage sandwich man, maybe.
38:46Then we'll watch the old currant bun go down,
38:49behind the Docklands Arena.
38:52Oh, yeah.
38:53Paradise.
38:55And after a few years, when the old property prices start to rocket,
39:01we'll knock it out of some rich Arab for twice the purchase price.
39:06Lovely jubbly.
39:10You all right, Albert?
39:11I'm all right, love.
39:13You didn't have to go running off like that.
39:15Del didn't mean anything.
39:17I know, he explained it to me.
39:19It's just that I felt like a failure.
39:23I'm not a coward, Rachel.
39:25There was nothing I could do.
39:26There were six of them.
39:28I know.
39:30Albert, nobody thinks you're...
39:33six of them.
39:35Right.
39:36Where's Rodney?
39:38Went out for a drink again.
39:39Well, that explains it.
39:41I met a couple of winos this afternoon.
39:43Drunk as newts they were.
39:45Said they were celebrating St Rodney's Day.
39:48I hope he hasn't gone to the nags head.
39:50Why?
39:50What's happening down there tonight?
39:51Nothing.
39:52I just hope he hasn't gone down to the nags head.
40:01Is that the bell, Del?
40:02Yes.
40:03Yeah.
40:04No.
40:05You get it, will you?
40:06I'm busy.
40:07Raquel?
40:07No, Raquel can't go.
40:09She's busy and all.
40:10You answer it.
40:11Me?
40:11Mm.
40:12You.
40:13Come on, isn't that it me afraid of, is there?
40:15I'm here, aren't I?
40:16You're going to have to answer the door sometime or another.
40:18It might as well be now.
40:19Come on.
40:21Albert, answer the door.
40:29Who's there?
40:30Knock Knock.
40:36It's Knock Knock.
40:37Oh, is it?
40:39Oh, I can't see him, Del.
40:41Of course you can't see him.
40:42You haven't opened the door yet.
40:44I don't want to see him.
40:45I can't face it, Del.
40:46Come on.
40:47All right.
40:47All right.
40:48Look, I'll go.
40:49You can talk to Knock Knock, Albert.
40:51He's your friend.
40:52I don't want to talk to him.
40:53Not at the moment.
40:54He's most probably come to see how you are.
40:56I might even have brought you a bunch of grapes.
40:58I know.
40:59I'm not feeling all that well.
41:01I think I'll go to my room.
41:03Oi!
41:04You stay right where you are.
41:10Yes, that was Knock Knock.
41:12And look, he brought this back for you.
41:14That was a bit of luck, wasn't it?
41:15Oh, it's your pocket watch, Albert.
41:17Where's he got it from?
41:18He found it under the bushes on that patch of grass near the swings.
41:22What, where Albert was mugged last week?
41:23No, where Albert and Knock Knock,
41:25whilst walking home from the pub last week,
41:28had a fight.
41:30He had a fight?
41:31Yes, over Marlene's mum.
41:34And Knock Knock knocked him out.
41:37You never were mugged, were you, you lying old git?
41:41What about his money that went missing?
41:43Well, he lost it all, didn't he?
41:45At Domino's to Knock Knock.
41:47Oh, Albert.
41:49I didn't know what to say.
41:51I felt silly losing to a man three years older than myself.
41:54He kept saying he was bettering me at everything.
41:56So I squared up to him, and he hit me.
42:00I didn't realise the problems that you put us to.
42:02I mean, the police have been out there making investigations.
42:05I've been running around looking for five muggers.
42:07Six.
42:07Six?
42:08Oh, it's six now, is it?
42:10Any more offers?
42:11I was embarrassed.
42:12Once I said it, I couldn't go back.
42:16Del, you should have been down and that's it.
42:19It was a punch-up to end all punch-ups.
42:21Well, what happened then?
42:22Look, that gang of skinheads was in there, right?
42:24The ones that Del said had mugged Albert.
42:25Anyway, you know Oily Olly, the greaser, right?
42:28His gang's come in, they've only attacked their skinheads.
42:30God, there was blood up the wall, there was grease on the ceiling.
42:33Olly and his boys took a right hammer in.
42:36Well, it turns out them skinheads ain't skinheads at all.
42:38They're coppers.
42:40They're what?
42:41They're undercover policemen.
42:42They was put on the estate a couple of weeks back when the mugging started.
42:46Oh, no, my God.
42:48What's that, Del?
42:51Well, anyone, anyone would have done the same thing, wouldn't they, eh?
42:55You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
42:58Well, I wanted to get revenge for that dozy old twonk.
43:01So I sort of, I gave Olly a hundred quid to sort it out.
43:06Oh, for God's sake!
43:08This baby would be born premature if I hang around you much longer.
43:11Yeah, well, be fair, sweetheart, they looked like muggers, didn't they?
43:14Well, when Oliver and his army get out of hospital,
43:17I've got a fair idea where their first port of call's gonna be.
43:21Yeah, me too.
43:22They better not try anything when we're around.
43:25I was Royal Navy boxing champion.
43:27I'm gonna kill him! I am! I'm gonna kill him!
43:29No, no, no, no!