- 5 months ago
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00:00I don't believe it.
00:03When did this arrive?
00:05This morning.
00:06Well, why didn't you let me know sooner?
00:07I couldn't get in touch with you. You'd be out all the morning.
00:10I thought you might have popped over Elevenses.
00:12Well, I told you before, Unc.
00:14Elevenses is for wimps.
00:16I'm out there on the yuppie tightrope, me.
00:19Nerves on red alert.
00:21A beta blocker and a dream, that's me.
00:24I eat on the move, a mobile phone in one hand and a pot noodle in the other.
00:27I tried to beat you on a mobile phone.
00:29Yeah, that's why Del ended up with an earful of noodles.
00:32Oh, look, the boy from The Black Stuff's woken up.
00:35Look.
00:35Just because I'm out of work, there's no need to rub it in.
00:38For all you know, my recent misfortunes could herald a watershed in my life, Del.
00:42I could go on to better things.
00:44Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:45You've broken up with your wife, you walked out on your lovely home,
00:49you resigned from a highly paid job and you pulled the chain on your career.
00:53That's just the springboard you need for the future, isn't it, eh?
00:56Something will turn up.
00:57Yeah, I know, that's what General Custer said.
01:00Something did turn up, didn't it, eh?
01:01Another load of bloody Indians.
01:04You should be giving Rodney some encouragement.
01:06I have.
01:07Oh, look, I'm worried about him, aren't I, eh?
01:09Look at that, a few months ago, there he was.
01:12Cash on the hip.
01:13Glowing future.
01:14Now what's he got, look?
01:15His skin.
01:16The only thing about him that's glowing is his liver.
01:19What happened in that golden hand shake you got from the printing firm?
01:21Yeah, you may well ask.
01:24He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he, eh?
01:26Blew it on Cuba Libras and Larry Toots.
01:29I do not believe this git.
01:31He has the audacity to sit there moralising with me whilst holding a letter from the magistrate's court saying his case has been brought forward.
01:38Everyone goes to court once in their life.
01:42Once?
01:43I've given you your own parking space.
01:46Don't change the subject, Rodney.
01:47Yeah, I think what Del's trying to say is for the last month or so, you've been living back at the flat.
01:53In the past, that was all right.
01:55Now, Raquel's pregnant.
01:57Yeah, that's right.
01:58Look, notice isn't all, don't it, eh, look?
02:00See that lump?
02:03That's my embryo.
02:04You see, Rodney, you see what I mean?
02:12In a couple of months' time, there'll be no space in the flat.
02:15She's going to be that big, is she?
02:17No.
02:18What I mean is, we're going to need that room of yours for a nursery.
02:22So this is an ideal time for you to go out and find yourself a nice little bachelor pad.
02:25He's waiting for the council to offer him something.
02:27Oh, yeah.
02:28Well, we can have a combined party then, can't we, eh?
02:31Rodney's housewarming and my son's 21st.
02:34For your information, Derek, the council phoned this morning with an offer of accommodation.
02:39Did I really?
02:40Yeah, that's true, Del.
02:41I was there when you got the call.
02:42Well, that's terrific news.
02:43Well done, bruv.
02:44They've offered me an LDA.
02:46An LDA?
02:48Well, that can't be back, can it?
02:49Ah, I'm viewing it this afternoon.
02:52Here, listen.
02:53If you want any furniture, Young Towsers doing a marvellous line in quality reject three-piece suites.
02:59Oh, right, yeah, could come in handy.
03:01Yeah.
03:01Dill, could I ask you something?
03:04Yeah, of course you can.
03:05What's an LDA?
03:07Is it?
03:08I don't know.
03:10It's an abbreviation for something.
03:13Yeah, well, I know it's an abbreviation for something.
03:15What?
03:16L-D-A.
03:17Maybe it stands for luxury detached abode.
03:21Yes, it could do.
03:24I doubt it, but it could do, yeah.
03:26Listen, I'll get a sense of more drinks, all right?
03:28Not for me, mate.
03:29We'd better go home and change.
03:30We'll make them the council much in an hour.
03:31I'll see you later, all right?
03:32All right, good luck, bruv.
03:33Yeah, cheers.
03:34You want to have one hour?
03:34No.
03:35Yeah, all right.
03:35All right, go on then.
03:36Dill.
03:39All right, what's a drink?
03:42Uh, Mike?
03:43It'd be nice of you to just give a...
03:44Hang on a minute, Dill.
03:45So, uh, you thought of a name yet?
03:47No, it's too early for that.
03:49No, best to sort it out early.
03:51Saves drows later on.
03:53Okay, Mike, could you give us a cup of one?
03:55Hang on, Dill.
03:55Hang on a minute, mate.
03:56Hang on.
03:57So, how's this going to affect your career, then?
04:01What career?
04:02Well, I thought you was an actress and singer and all that.
04:05Yeah, well, I think in my condition, I'll put my career on hold for a while.
04:09Like, 15 years or so.
04:11Okay, that reminds me.
04:12You know that down by the Riverside Club?
04:14Yes, I'm thinking of going down here in a minute to get a drink.
04:17Mike, Mike, when you're ready.
04:19Dill, I've only got one pair of hands, mate.
04:21Yeah, I remember the night when my wife come home and she told me she was two months pregnant.
04:25I was a cocktail waiter at the time.
04:28Oh, it's a moment you'll never forget.
04:30That's right.
04:30I remember it especially because I'd just come back from three months on a cruise ship.
04:35Oh, sorry.
04:36No, it was a lovely cruise.
04:37Do you want to see the slabs?
04:39A mate of mine from the Council of Depots singing there tonight.
04:43What?
04:45At the down by the Riverside Club.
04:47Tony Angelino.
04:49Who?
04:51Tony Angelino.
04:53That's his stage name.
04:54Oh, yes, sounds terrific, that trick, yes.
04:57A few drinks, you know, scampi in a basket and a singing road sweeper, could you?
05:02He's not a road sweeper, he's on the dust.
05:04Oh, well, come on, that's the difference, isn't it?
05:06Sorry.
05:07He sang there once before, about six years ago.
05:10Really?
05:10He's back by popular demand then, is he?
05:12Yeah.
05:13He's got a terrific voice, gonna be a big star one day.
05:17Fancy coming down here tonight?
05:18No.
05:19What are you hoping for then, Dill?
05:21Well, the same again, when you're ready, you won't get any order in.
05:23I'm talking about the baby.
05:25Eh?
05:26Oh, the baby, now, why didn't you say so?
05:28That's different.
05:29Well, it's gonna be a boy, ain't it, eh?
05:30How do you know it might be good?
05:32Nah, now I know it's gonna be a boy.
05:33Well, don't you forget, you can hold a lovely little wedding reception up above here.
05:36Come on, let's sit down over there, sweetheart, shall we?
05:41Here, listen, have you told your family about it?
05:43I've written to my parents.
05:44Hmm?
05:45I was thinking more about your husband.
05:47Oh.
05:50My solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts.
05:53We've been apart now for seven years, so divorce will be no problem.
05:56All right.
05:57Well, when that comes through, we'll get hitched.
06:00Sorry?
06:03We'll tie the knot.
06:05But I might not want to marry you.
06:07Huh?
06:08What do you mean you might not want to marry me?
06:10Come on, don't be silly.
06:11I'm not being silly, you haven't even asked me.
06:13Well, no, I know that.
06:14Well, you're, you know, you're in the old, you know, where I come from.
06:18Action speaks louder than words.
06:21Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to?
06:23Of course I would.
06:24There's no way I'm married with her.
06:26Oh, come on, Raquel.
06:28Oh, we're going to have a blinding future together.
06:31Are we?
06:32Yeah.
06:33I can see it now.
06:35Everything's beginning to slot into place.
06:37I've got lots of little pots and pans bubbling away.
06:40In fact, I've got a meeting in half an hour with an old mate of mine.
06:42He runs one of these dinner dance clubs, you know.
06:45I think he wants to buy them 300 packets of crisps I got in the garage.
06:54He's playing our song.
06:57Badly.
06:58No.
07:00No, everything's going well.
07:02I'm going to have a lovely future.
07:04This time next year, I'm going to be a millionaire.
07:07All right, then, I accept.
07:09Good girl.
07:10You know it makes sense.
07:16Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement with you.
07:19No, I can't tomorrow, darling.
07:20I'm in court.
07:20No, I can't.
07:22No, I can't.
07:23All to my soul.
07:34Eric!
07:36How's it going, Paul?
07:37It's like Marley's ghost.
07:40Del boy, you all looking prosperous?
07:43Yeah, well, fun complaint.
07:44Well, I do, you know, but no one listens.
07:48I've heard good things about you, Del.
07:50Making your mark in a parish, I'm pleased for you.
07:53I like to hear about people doing well.
07:56Last time I saw you, you was really struggling.
07:59You was driving round in some shitty little three-wheel van.
08:05Yeah, those were the days, eh, Eric?
08:08Actually, I've still got that three-wheel van.
08:10It's like for nostalgia.
08:12I only use it just for business, you know.
08:13So what's the main motor now, Del boy?
08:15Was it some sort of sports coupe, is it?
08:17Yeah, yeah, it's something like that, yeah.
08:20How long ago was it since we last met?
08:22What was it?
08:22It must be, what, five, six years?
08:24That long, is it?
08:25Yeah, it was just after we had that little misunderstanding.
08:29I don't remember that.
08:30Yes, you do.
08:32You said I'd done you out of 500 quid.
08:35Well, you did, didn't you?
08:37No, no, no, I didn't.
08:39I told you at the time, didn't I?
08:40It was just a misunderstanding.
08:41Yeah, well, we best our sleeping dogs lie, aren't we, Del?
08:46Yeah, that's it.
08:47That's it.
08:48Yeah.
08:48It's all in the past, isn't it, eh?
08:51Yeah.
08:52Well, I must say, this is a very, very nice place.
08:56Yeah, doing a bit of business as well.
08:58Good.
08:58Cushty.
08:59Very, very pleased to hear it.
09:02Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?
09:03Understood you left a message for me on my answer machine.
09:06I thought that was your uncle.
09:08Yeah, same thing.
09:10It's good, isn't it?
09:11I'm going to do a bit of this.
09:13Well, help a boy or baby dollop.
09:16I thought...
09:17I've got a bit of a problem, Del.
09:20What's that?
09:22Tomorrow night, the club's been booked for a birthday party.
09:24Cabaret, all the exes.
09:26I had a young singing duo booked in, but it let me down at the last minute.
09:30I've phoned around all the agents, and that's what I've been offered so far.
09:36Well, that's all right.
09:39That's all right to me.
09:40No good to me, Del.
09:41I need a singer.
09:43Someone who knows what they're doing.
09:45I heard recently you was living with some bird who used to do some nightclub singing.
09:50Raquel?
09:50Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:51She used to do some singing.
09:52Mind you, she packed that in ages ago.
09:54Would she come out of retirement for one night?
09:56No, she can't, Eric.
09:58She's three months pregnant.
09:59It's hardly odd, Carrie, and Del.
10:00She's only got a scene for four or five songs.
10:02Yeah, I know she was telling me about this terrible nervous tension that she suffers from before she goes on stage.
10:08I couldn't put her through there.
10:10That's a shame, Del.
10:11I've got a contract here waiting to be signed by someone.
10:15Well, I'm sorry.
10:16I'd like to have helped you, pal, but Raquel's given the business up.
10:20It's her life.
10:21I can't go interfering with her wishes now, can I?
10:24Well, I made it worth her while.
10:26600 quid for one night's work ain't to be sneezed at.
10:28She'll need a backing group.
10:33What do you think you promised him?
10:35Well, what can I do, sweetheart?
10:36He's a mate in trouble.
10:37I don't care who it is, Del.
10:38I'm not doing it.
10:40Look, I gave him your work.
10:41Well, you had no right to.
10:43But it's 300 quid, Raquel.
10:44How much is he said, of course, don't he?
10:48But Raquel, it's Eric.
10:50He's in dead lumber.
10:52I mean, he's gone through all the agents, hasn't he?
10:54He even showed me the list he was offered.
10:57Do you know what he was offered?
10:57He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians,
11:01a speciality dog act, and Lionel Blair.
11:06So what's wrong with that?
11:07Well, nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart.
11:08It's just that Eric wants you.
11:11Wish he's three months pregnant.
11:13Eh?
11:14Yeah, I'm...
11:15Look, I know that, but I'm not asking to do any belly dancing
11:18or anything like that, am I?
11:19I mean, it's just sing a couple of songs, that's all.
11:21Anyway, look, it doesn't notice, does it?
11:23Hey, look.
11:23Look, turn around for us, sweetheart.
11:25There you are.
11:25You see, look at that.
11:26So you've got a lovely figure,
11:27and you've got a beautiful voice, Raquel.
11:29And that is a gift, and that should be shared with the world.
11:32Or a bunch of drunks in the starlight rooms.
11:35Well, I've never sung in a real nightclub before.
11:37Yes, you have.
11:38What about that poster you showed us
11:40when you was topping a bill with Otis Redding
11:42at Talk of the Town London?
11:43It was Laurie London at the Talk of the Town Redding.
11:51It's the same thing, isn't it?
11:53No, it is not.
11:55That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage.
11:58It was a nightmare.
12:00I forgot the words, I forgot the tune.
12:02It was just a nightmare.
12:03People actually cheered when they announced last orders.
12:06The only other time I've been on stage
12:08has been in a double act.
12:10I was with that magician, the great Raimondo,
12:11and I was in that duo, Double Cream.
12:13See, I don't mind that.
12:14Because there's someone there to support you,
12:16someone there to share the blame.
12:17No, I'll get someone to sing along with you.
12:19It's not as simple as that.
12:21You've got to get to know each other.
12:24Rehearse.
12:25Find out whether you can harmonise,
12:27whether you're even compatible.
12:28Yeah, we'll do all that and all.
12:31When's the show?
12:32Tomorrow night.
12:33Tomorrow night?
12:34It's impossible.
12:36Oh, look, Raquel, look, I've got the contract.
12:38I've signed it there.
12:39Look, there you are.
12:40Guaranteeing I'll supply the cabaret.
12:41That is document.
12:42It's legal and binding.
12:44The Trotter International Star Agency.
12:48Yeah, that's me.
12:48I diversified.
12:50Why did you sign a contract
12:51before you'd even spoken to me?
12:53Because I never thought that you would let me down.
12:56Rodney, probably.
12:59Even like a shot.
13:00But you, never.
13:02Still, never mind.
13:04Never mind.
13:05It's the story of my life, really, isn't it?
13:09My old man let me down
13:10when he walked out and left me to fend for myself.
13:14Then me mum died.
13:16That weren't her fault, but...
13:18I felt that she'd let me down.
13:21Funny the things that go through your mind
13:23when you're 16
13:24and you're just all alone.
13:27I think that's why I've always been
13:29straight and up front with people.
13:31Because I hate the thought
13:32of them having the feelings that I did.
13:37It says you're paying you 600 quid.
13:41You nothing, git.
13:43You said 300.
13:44I know I said 300.
13:46I know I said 300.
13:48And isn't it obvious why I said that?
13:50No.
13:53I said that because...
13:55Because...
13:56Because...
13:58I knew
14:02that if Raquel thought she was earning
14:05a 600 pound for the show
14:07that would make her even more nervous
14:09than she is now.
14:10So I decided to take the sting out of it,
14:13soften the edges,
14:14relieve the pressure
14:15by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
14:24That means you'll do it for me, sweetheart.
14:26But who will I be singing with?
14:27Don't you worry about that.
14:29I won't put you wrong.
14:30You trust me.
14:30Listen, what we'll do later on
14:32we'll go through all my LPs
14:33and make a list of classic hits
14:35for you to sing.
14:36But these songs...
14:37I've got to have a musical arrangement.
14:38We'll need a pianist.
14:40Well, that's no problem, is it?
14:41Right?
14:43Albert?
14:43Yes, Del?
14:44Go and fetch the yellow pages.
14:45We'll find a musician.
14:49All right?
14:51I'll think about it, Del.
14:53Husty.
14:54I'm only thinking about it, Del.
14:55No promises.
14:56No, all right.
14:57No promises, no promises.
14:58But in the meantime,
14:59why don't you have a little practice
15:01with your voice?
15:02You know, get it back in trim.
15:03You know, just in case.
15:04Just in case, eh?
15:05Yeah, all right.
15:05Just in case.
15:06Good girl.
15:08I'm going to make some coffee.
15:10Anyone else?
15:11Yeah, I'll have one, dear.
15:12Yeah, I'll have one, sweetheart.
15:15She's going to knock and bandy, Albert.
15:19Do you know the way to San Jose?
15:23I've been away so long.
15:26I may go wrong and lose my way.
15:29She's got a voice like an angel, hasn't she?
15:31Eh?
15:33Raquel, sing up, darling.
15:35Come on, don't be shy.
15:36I've been away so long.
15:38I may go wrong and lose my way.
15:42Lovely jubbly.
15:43Ah, Rodney.
15:47Raquel's singing in the starlight rooms.
15:48Yeah?
15:49Her voice didn't have travelled, didn't it?
15:56No, no, no.
15:57I mean, she's in the...
15:58Forget it.
15:59What's up with you?
16:00Oh, I have just been to view
16:01the council's offer of accommodation.
16:03And you was right, Del.
16:04LDA does not stand for
16:06luxury detached abode.
16:07Oh, well, I had a feeling.
16:08LDA stands for
16:10Low Demand Accommodation.
16:13What's that, then?
16:14It's a place where nobody else wants to live.
16:17What are they like?
16:18They're like this.
16:21You saucy git.
16:23This place, I'll...
16:25I'll have you know that we've...
16:28Yeah.
16:29If I...
16:30Rack out, turn the noise down, will you?
16:34We can't hear ourself finger, yeah?
16:37Go on.
16:37You should have seen this place,
16:39eh, offered me?
16:39It looked like a timeshare apartment
16:41on Albert Square.
16:43Did you take it?
16:44Of course I didn't.
16:45Well, you've got to find a place
16:46of your own soon, Rodney.
16:48Pretty much from now,
16:49she'll be dropping a kitty.
16:50Yes, I know.
16:51But at the moment,
16:52the council's me only hope.
16:54I'm out of work,
16:55I've got no money coming in.
16:57You know, what am I supposed to do?
16:59Don't wish to sound brutal, Rodney,
17:00but why don't you get another job?
17:01Ha, ha, ha, ha!
17:09It's not that funny, Albert.
17:12With my history,
17:13the only chance I've got
17:14of getting future employment
17:15is to go out
17:16and get me own window cleaning round.
17:18I'm sorry, I don't understand.
17:19You left your previous employment
17:21of your own accord.
17:22You weren't sacked,
17:23you resigned.
17:23So where's the problem?
17:25It's not as easy as that, Raquel.
17:27Is it, Derek?
17:30No, you see, Raquel,
17:31the only real job
17:32that Rodney's had
17:33since he left school
17:33was that job he had
17:34with Cassandra's dad,
17:36you know,
17:36the one he resigned from.
17:39But I thought prior to that
17:40he was a partner
17:41in Trotter's Independent Traders.
17:42Ha, ha, ha, ha!
17:44Yes, he was.
17:46Very sorely missed,
17:47he was when he left.
17:48But, you see,
17:49Trotter's Independent Traders
17:50was never what you'd call
17:51a pucker business,
17:52you see.
17:53We never actually
17:53registered with Company House.
17:55You know,
17:55sort of keep down
17:56the old paperwork and that.
17:57Yeah, and income tax
17:59and BAT.
18:00Yes, you see,
18:00so since he was 16,
18:04when Rodney left school,
18:05the only job he ever had
18:06was when he was 26.
18:07So the only time
18:08he's turned up
18:09on the government's computers
18:10is when he got
18:11that suspended sentence
18:12for the possession of cannabis.
18:13And you don't fancy
18:15window cleaning?
18:16No.
18:17Don't like heights.
18:19Couldn't you specialise
18:20in bungalows?
18:25Why don't you
18:26shut up, Albert?
18:28Well, Alan's bound
18:29to give Rodney
18:29a glowing reference.
18:31I know that.
18:33We know that, sweetheart.
18:34But where's Rodney
18:37going to say he's been
18:38for the last 10 years?
18:39In the toilet.
18:42No.
18:44It's a great pity, you know,
18:46Rodney,
18:46you can't get a job
18:47doing something
18:48that you like.
18:50Like, you know,
18:50all right,
18:51like sort of music.
18:54Because you're interested
18:55in music, aren't you?
18:56Yeah.
18:57Yeah.
18:58Even if it's only sort of,
19:00you know,
19:01just a part-time job.
19:03Yeah, that'd do.
19:04I don't know what.
19:07You know,
19:08something like
19:08a road manager
19:09or something.
19:10Yeah, where am I
19:11going to get
19:11something like that?
19:13You never know
19:14your luck, Rodney.
19:14You never know
19:15your luck.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16LAUGHTER
19:17LAUGHTER
19:19LAUGHTER
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27LAUGHTER
19:57When you fell for someone else, babe, I paid...
20:07I paid for...
20:09He's bloody good, isn't he?
20:12Good?
20:15Dad, he's bloody awful.
20:18How you don't know what you're talking about, bruv?
20:21Look at all these old dears, look.
20:24They'll be throwing their corsets on the stage of art room in a minute.
20:28I...
20:30I...
20:31I...
20:33I...
20:35I...
20:37I...
20:42...
20:44I love him, look, look, I love him.
21:09Hey, it's a non-alcoholic lager top, will you, and a special for me.
21:22Listen, if I can just get Raquel and Tony together, I'll be on a right winner.
21:29Del, she's pregnant.
21:31Only just a little bit.
21:34You're just exploiting her, aren't you?
21:37No, au contraire, Rodney, au contraire.
21:41She's going to be earning out of this and earning well.
21:44Don't forget, we've all got to earn a bit, you know, bring a little bit of money into the flat.
21:49I reckon it's all wrong.
21:52Well, it's nothing to do with you, is it, Rodney, eh?
21:54You are just my road manager and part-time at that.
21:57I've explained your duties to you, haven't I, eh?
22:00You just drive them to rehearsals, make sure they get tea and sandwiches and then sweep up afterwards.
22:06And am I allowed to voice an opinion on repertoire, presentation, arrangement, interpretation?
22:14No.
22:16Well, I will do exactly what you say and no bloody more.
22:21That is the last word you will hear from me on the subject.
22:24It's all old fashions.
22:30Who's going to pay money to watch this?
22:36Well, they have for a start.
22:39Rodney, you think popular music is all about the top ten, don't you?
22:43Well, it's not, you know.
22:44Because 80% of the people in this country, you know, they listen to what is known as middle-of-the-road music.
22:50That means they listen to guff like this.
22:53And you take that Roger Whittaker and that, um, John Denver.
23:00They never appear on top of the pops, do they, eh?
23:03But they sell millions and millions of records.
23:05And that is bunts, really.
23:06That is serious bunts.
23:08And this is my chance to get where the action is.
23:11Far down.
23:13Yes, I can see it now.
23:21Raquel and Tony.
23:24They could be the new, the new carpenters.
23:29Or plumbers or brickies.
23:31Samuel and Cher.
23:33Jazz and Dave.
23:36Rennie and Renato.
23:38Mills and Boone.
23:41Yeah!
23:43Yeah!
23:44Where's that contract?
23:46Where's that contract?
23:48I don't know if it's all labelled, you know, because I ain't been trained in that sort of thing.
23:54Well, that's all right, brother.
23:55You've got two GCEs.
23:56That is good enough for me.
23:58Yeah, look at that.
24:00Codes of forthwiths and hereafters.
24:02Lovely chubbly.
24:05Come on, Rudney.
24:07Let's go.
24:09Thanks so much.
24:10You've got a wonderful audience.
24:13Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Angelino.
24:17Thanks so much.
24:18You've been a wonderful audience.
24:20Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Angelino.
24:26You've been a wonderful audience.
24:28Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Angelino.
24:34Thanks so much.
24:35You've been a wonderful audience.
24:37Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Angelino.
24:39Terry Angelino.
24:40There, he'll never sign that contract.
24:57He'll sign it, Rudney.
24:58Don't you worry.
24:59He'll sign it.
25:00Hey, it's Tony.
25:01Tony.
25:02There you are.
25:03Just wonderful performance.
25:04Really was wonderful.
25:05Thanks.
25:06Excuse me.
25:07Would you mind?
25:08Would you please?
25:09Oh, thank you.
25:12Thanks very much.
25:17Easier than you thought, wasn't it, Rodney, eh?
25:19I don't believe you did that.
25:21He who dares, Rodney.
25:22He who dares, eh?
25:24Right.
25:25Come on.
25:26Ah, Tony.
25:27There you are.
25:28Tony, listen.
25:29Excuse me, girl.
25:30Listen up.
25:31I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
25:33Yeah?
25:34I've got some bookings for you, if you're interested.
25:36Yeah?
25:37Yeah.
25:38Come in here and we can talk about a while and get him tea.
25:39Oops.
25:40Sorry.
25:41Excuse me, darling.
25:42Tony, can I have to help you?
25:43Tony!
25:44In a minute, honey, I'll be out.
25:45In a minute.
25:46In a minute.
25:47In a minute.
25:48Checks.
25:49What is it?
25:50A hen party?
25:51No, it's a local WI.
25:53Still.
25:54Gotta keep him happy.
25:55You know what I mean.
25:57Yeah, well, um, my name is Derek Trotter of the Derek Trotter International Stars Agency,
26:04Peckham.
26:05You can call me Del.
26:13This is my roadie, Rodney.
26:15What's your story about, then, Del?
26:17Well, um, you see, I'm putting together a middle-of-the-road duo.
26:22You and a very talented young singer by the name of Raquel Turner.
26:26Now, I've already got a confirmed booking at the Starlight Rooms with an option on a long-term...
26:34Long-term contract, if you're good enough.
26:40Are you kidding me?
26:41A Starlight, eh?
26:44Oh.
26:45I don't get many bookings.
26:50Really?
26:52Have you got a manager, Tony?
26:54Er...
26:55No.
26:56Well, you have now, son.
26:57Me.
26:58I can't understand how someone with all your talent hasn't been snapped off already.
27:05Can you, Rodney?
27:06There you are, you see.
27:07He's as mystified as I am.
27:08Oh, has no one told you anything about me, then?
27:09No, why?
27:10Is there something I should know?
27:11No, no.
27:12No, no.
27:13You know.
27:14Er, when is this booking, Joe?
27:15Tomorrow night.
27:16What?
27:17It's all right, it's all right.
27:18It's all right.
27:19It's all right.
27:20It's all right.
27:21It's all right.
27:22It's all right.
27:23It's all right.
27:24It's all right.
27:25as i am no one told you anything about me no why is this something i should know no no you know
27:33uh when is this booking gel tomorrow night what that's all right it's all right i know that you
27:39and raquel have got an awful lot of work to do rehearsing and you know getting your repertoire
27:43together and what have you but i've got faith in you because you're a pro and so is she
27:49and i'm offering you a hundred pounds for tomorrow night yeah the most i've ever been paid is 50 quid
27:57well you're in a big time now aren't you yes well you'll be rehearsing first thing tomorrow morning
28:07i've booked a room at the jesse jackson memorial hall and i'm going to give rodney your road
28:13manager a list of the classic hits i want you to rehearse uh no no there's only a few songs i
28:18can sing gel well you see that's why you don't get any bookings no it's not it's because i um
28:25because of what hey oh nothing yeah i know what your problem is you can't accept a challenge that's
28:32what it is but you've got me behind you now all you've got to do is trust me and i'll be straight
28:37down the line with you you know no secrets no small print all you've got to do is trust me tony
28:43you do trust me tony don't you yeah okay tell good boy you know it makes sense
28:50so um will you be out of the hall in the morning no he's in court tomorrow
28:54yes yes i am i'm there as a witness for something all right um do you want me to sign that no it's
29:03all right son you've already signed it look lovely jubbly i can't believe that was the same
29:16bloke well i mean they're all just costume props and they all wear them i mean you don't think that
29:21mr spock's ears are his own do you oh come we'll go and tell raquel huh raquel sweetheart hello darling
29:29i found him i found your singing partner god yeah he's terrific ain't he rodney eh yeah
29:36you've got to see him to believe him haven't you rodney eh yeah
29:42he's terrific he's absolutely true he's got this great voice you know and he's got wonderful stage
29:50presence he's got oodles and oodles of charisma this boy's gonna be a star i tell you not just local
29:55i mean he's gonna be international where'd you learn about him he works for trigger down the council
29:59depot is that true well sean connery he worked on the dust and is he like sean connery well he wears
30:10a week listen i'll tell you what let me get you another lot of drinks eh shall we come rodney you
30:14give me a hand come on you oh boy hey oh hello boy see i hear you're in court tomorrow yeah
30:22don't do a lot for your yuppie image father i don't know it's very trendy nowadays in it eh
30:29all the big bang boys have done a bit of stir yeah it's very fashionable in the city computer
30:33fraud inside the dealing stock manipulation what you up for though fly pitching 50 quid fine and a
30:41slap on the wrist you know it's an occupational hazard when you're upwardly mobile i hear raquel's
30:46up the spout yes thank you very much boy see thank you mike can we have a round of drinks please
30:51and whatever poison he wants crystal give us a round here will you love because it ain't easy being a
30:56father no it must have been difficult for you what with all them test tubes and what have you yes
31:02i'm not talking about that derrick i mean looking after your child's welfare planning for his future
31:09have you thought about all that oh don't you worry about my kid boys you'll be all right
31:12then there's a pregnancy itself fell that can be hell yeah that can be nine months of pure hell
31:17yeah knowing your missus mike i can believe it
31:19of course i was lucky marlene gave birth after only eight months
31:25well they say it's quicker by tube don't they
31:27anyway we just come back from the riverside club we saw trigger's mate there singing he's terrific
31:39any rodney hey yeah perhaps trickle recommend him to eric
31:44eric what do you mean eric in the starlight rooms you mean yeah the one who don't like you
31:49something about 500 quid no that's all in the past days yes but that man holds a grudge
31:56anyway he's got 24 hours to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night he'll never do it i mean the
32:01word's out now isn't it well he's got to do something i've heard eugene mccarthy's very much
32:07looking forward to it who's eugene mccarthy he's a local villain and not a very nice man
32:12rumor has it the sas pays eugene protection money
32:16what the hell has eugene got to do with all this well didn't you hear what eugene owns the starlight
32:23rooms no no no no it's eric eric owns the starlight rooms didn't he no eugene bought him
32:28out three months ago yes there was no boardroom negotiations no offer or counter offer eugene
32:34gave eric two choices take it or i'll nail you to a door and eric realizing he was dealing
32:41with a man who puts out death sentences on muslims took it anyway tomorrow night is eugene's mum's
32:4982nd birthday so he's having a party down at the starlight rooms for her and all the nazis
32:54no no no no mike no listen it's eric eric's down there at the starlight rooms isn't he yeah yeah
33:00eric is only the manager now though and part of eric's managerial duties is booking the cabaret
33:06but every time he books a cabaret eugene doesn't like he probably gets nailed to the nearest door
33:11but he come up with a brilliant solution he started employing the services of the local
33:17entertainment agents so if eugene gets displeased he takes his wrath out on the agents
33:22the agents all elder meeting at the local convalescent home and decided to boycott the starlight rooms
33:30so unless eric finds a mug to supply the cabaret for eugene's mum's party b and q will be selling
33:37another door
33:38we're in a bit of bother here bruv
33:50we yes you see we've signed a contract guaranteeing the cabaret
33:57i have signed nothing i sweep up and i make the tea
34:00you know i've been thinking about that and i think you ought to have a more creative input
34:06than this little project yeah well i've been thinking and all and i don't want a more creative
34:09input you just give me the broom the teapot and the 50 quid and i'm happy
34:13thank you very much rodney it's my pleasure derek
34:17come in all right he's telling it no i'll find the flat there's no reply
34:27maybe he's still in court but it's nine o'clock
34:30well maybe the jury's still out
34:32stupid rodney's only being charged with unlicensed trading
34:35well he ain't here
34:37i can't go through with this
34:39why not
34:40what do you mean why not you were at rehearsals this morning you know what happened
34:44tony's got a problem
34:46they might not notice
34:49how can they not notice
34:51raquel you've got to go through with this for dell's sake eugene mccarthy has sat out there with his mum
34:57it was eugene mccarthy he is not nice people
35:01well you go and tell eugene mccarthy and his mum that the cabaret is off
35:04no i'm just a robot sweep up and make the tea that was my instruction
35:10do you fancy a cup of tea no i don't do you want anything swept up no
35:14well that's my finishing
35:32gordon bennett what's the bloody hell of you thing where have i been
35:37they put my case on last didn't they then it was a 65 quid fine i realized then of course i'd left me
35:42wallet at home at night so i phoned up sinbad what does he do he only gets on the bleeding
35:47buffs there i am banged up in the cells and sinbad there he's trying to fight his way through the
35:52friday afternoon traffic in a bloody bus so the time i get back there would you shut up for one
35:57minute we have got problems ready problems what sort of problem your boy oh hello eugene
36:06very very nice to see you eric informs me you're supplying tonight's cabaret
36:13hope it's good joe it's my old mum's birthday i don't want to see her disappointed you are of
36:18course not eugene it's gonna be the best nothing but the very best i mean would i do anything less
36:24for your dear mother hey oh sorry let me introduce my brother no this is i'm just a road manager i'll
36:29just sweep up and make the tea and i don't have nothing well here's to a good evening yes thank
36:37you eugene enjoy yourself you sit back and enjoy right all right attention please let them quiet
36:43please quiet please welcome to the cabaret out lovely and before i introduce our star guest this evening
36:51i'd just like to say happy birthday to mrs mccarthy there eugene's mum happy birthday nil
37:07we are proud to present this evening two young british stars whose names may not be familiar to you
37:12however if you was a resident in a certain town in nevada usa their names would be on the tips of your
37:19tongues because they have just finished the sellout season with barry manilow
37:26at the desert in las vegas
37:33where'd he get all that crap from
37:38what a stupid question
37:40they have chosen the starlight rooms
37:49so ladies and gentlemen a warm welcome please for rachel and tony
38:04i was
38:14i could smile
38:16i could smile for a while
38:19but when i saw you last night
38:22you held my hand so tight
38:24as you stopped to say hello
38:27as you stopped to say hello
38:29and though you wished me well
38:32you couldn't tell
38:34where i didn't find
38:38who are you
38:40who are you
38:42who are you
38:44who are you
38:46who are you
39:04who are you
39:06she's bloody good isn't she rodney aye
39:08who are you
39:09who are you
39:10who are you
39:11who are you
39:12who are you
39:13who are you
39:14who are you
39:15who are you
39:16who are you
39:17who are you
39:18who are you
39:19who are you
39:20who are you
39:21who are you
39:22who are you
39:23who are you
39:24who are you
39:25who are you
39:26who are you
39:27who are you
39:28who are you
39:29who are you
39:30who are you
39:31who are you
39:32who are you
39:33who are you
39:34who are you
39:35who are you
39:36who are you
39:37Jesus loved me
39:43And I'll always be
39:48Come where I'm from
39:52Where I'm from
39:57Is that I'm your home
40:02And from the ground
40:07I'll be quiet
40:09I'll be quiet
40:12I'll be quiet
40:15Crying
40:17Crying
40:22Crying
40:27Crying
40:39Crying
40:41Crying
40:44Crying
40:49Crying
40:51What's your opinion?
40:53I'll see you later.
41:08So how come you didn't know he had trouble with his arse?
41:13Because he never told me.
41:15All he said was that he enjoyed singing certain songs.
41:18You can see what he meant now.
41:19He only sings songs without arse in them.
41:21So he chose the songs for the night.
41:25I didn't know, did I, eh?
41:27God knows what Eugene's mum's going to say.
41:31I never did like that front door anyway.
41:37You bastard.
41:39You just walked out and left us.
41:41What else could I do?
41:43I couldn't very well go up to Eugene's table and say,
41:45ha ha, that was all right, different, wasn't it, eh?
41:47Did you finish the performance?
41:49Oh, yes, Derek.
41:50We saw it through to the death.
41:52Please release me.
41:57Congratulations.
41:59And the green, green, glass of home.
42:05And that was followed by a medley of Wackham Wall.
42:08That is not funny, Wadney.
42:18Wadney.
42:19I think it's hilarious.
42:21I haven't laughed so much since he got his beard in the food mix.
42:26If that's you, Gene,
42:28you tell him I've gone and get the hammer and nails.
42:32Who's there?
42:33Can I speak to Mr. Potter?
42:34Tony, let him in.
42:42Come for me money.
42:44It's all right, all right.
42:45Not now, son.
42:46Right, I'm up to me eyes on it.
42:47Come back tomorrow.
42:48No, not tomorrow.
42:50For me money now.
42:52I did the performance, didn't I?
42:54I did the repertoire that you, you insisted on.
42:57Yeah, but I didn't know you couldn't pronounce your arse, did I?
43:00What does that matter?
43:01It matters quite a lot when you're singing songs with arse in.
43:05Well, I don't sing songs with arse in.
43:07And if a song has got an arse in it,
43:09well, I changed the lyrics.
43:11Then why didn't you change the lyrics tonight?
43:13How can I change the lyrics to quying?
43:16I play songs called quying.
43:21Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del,
43:23so pay the man his money.
43:24And while we're at it, you owe me money as well.
43:26It's all right, sweetheart.
43:27We'll talk about that tomorrow, eh?
43:29Listen, Trotter, you're not cheating me.
43:32Crude a tail a plait.
43:36I mean, it's all right for me to be cheated, though, isn't it, eh?
43:38And who's cheated you?
43:42Him.
43:42Him, he's cheating me.
43:43He did.
43:44Do you know what he did?
43:45He charged me £1.40 for bus fares, he did.
43:48And it's only when I was putting me dickie bow on
43:50that I realised he got a bus pass.
43:54And anyway, I don't suppose the starlight room
43:56is going to pay me anything after tonight's disaster.
43:59I'm going to be well out of pocket, me.
44:01We signed a contract.
44:03Oh, yes, I know, I know.
44:05But my brother drew up that contract
44:07and he put in a get-out clause.
44:10Did you, Rodney?
44:11No.
44:13And why didn't you?
44:15Because you didn't tell me to.
44:17And I ain't a lawyer.
44:18I sweep up and make the tea.
44:20You remember?
44:21And you owe me 50 quids.
44:23Yep.
44:25Oh, all right, all right.
44:27It's too brutal.
44:30There you are.
44:31One's yours.
44:34We'll talk about this tomorrow.
44:36All right, anything you say, Rodney, all right.
44:38You know what you've got, don't you?
44:40What?
44:40Do it.
44:41What?
44:42An ism.
44:43Ism?
44:44It ism.
44:44I ain't got an ism ever, Rodney.
44:46Well, there's a lot of crap in a garage.
44:48You're not alone in your prejudice.
44:51We've got sexism, racism, heightism and ageism.
44:56Well, I, I'm a victim of pronunciationism.
45:00I've got a good voice.
45:04I've got good style.
45:06I've got perfect tone.
45:08But just because I've pronounced my eyes differently from the west of you,
45:12I can never be a star.
45:15And just because of my pronunciation, you've dumped me.
45:19But what about me?
45:20Hey, I've got lumbered with a star whose props come from Lillian Skinner's,
45:24Crown Toppers and Mattesons.
45:30You can always find another thing, huh?
45:33I'm stuck with my problem.
45:35No one who pronounces eyes like I do have ever become successful.
45:39It's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
45:41Exactly.
45:46Oh, it doesn't matter.
45:51See you, Del.
45:53Yeah.
45:54Come on, there you go, son.
45:57Wack hell.
45:58Bye, Tony.
46:00Woodney.
46:02See you, Tony.
46:02See you, Tony.
46:02See you, Tony.
46:03See you, Tony.
46:04See you, Tony.
46:06See you, Tony.
46:08See you, Tony.
46:10Well, don't you two look at me like that.
46:16I didn't invent pronunciationism.
46:19It's them out there, the public.
46:21If I had my way, I think everyone should be allowed to say what they like and how they want to say.
46:26It's a free country.
46:27Del's right.
46:28Ain't his fault.
46:30Thank you, Unc.
46:30Help yourself to a brandy.
46:31Hello, Trotters, Independent Trade.
46:41Oh, hello, Eugene.
46:45Oh, yeah, you discovered that then, did you?
46:48Funny enough, I was just having a word about that with my road manager here.
46:51You what?
46:56How did she?
46:58I can't say that I blame her.
47:01How's she now?
47:03Oh, good.
47:07You what?
47:09Yeah.
47:10It's all right then, Eugene.
47:13I'll be round first thing in the morning.
47:15Yeah.
47:15Do you want to hide a pair of pliers in your pocket?
47:26No, he wants to sign you and Tony up for a five-week contract.
47:31His mum liked you.
47:33You're kidding.
47:35No, straight up.
47:36She reckoned it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen in her life.
47:41Tony!
47:42Tony!
47:43Where's he going?
47:44Tony!
47:45Tony!
47:45Hey!
47:46Just a minute.
47:47I've got some more bookings for you.
47:49Stick with me, son.
47:50I'll make you witch.
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