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00:01We give thee humble thanks that thou hast vouched to call us to the knowledge of thy grace and faith
00:07in thee.
00:08Increase this knowledge and confirm this faith in us evermore.
00:12Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant that he may be born again and be made an heir of everlasting
00:17salvation.
00:18Through our Lord Jesus Christ, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, now and forever. Amen.
00:28God's parents, please.
00:30Do you remember what you've got to say?
00:31Yeah.
00:50Be careful, Rodney.
00:52You drop him and I'll drop you.
00:56He dropped a whole Royal Dalton dinner service once.
00:59He ruined them.
01:01Shut up.
01:02Well.
01:04Oh, look at his little face.
01:09Dearly beloved, you have brought this child here to be baptized.
01:14You have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ would vouch safe to receive him, to release him of...
01:18Going down the pub, huh?
01:21Oh, yeah.
01:21We'll be there.
01:24Going down the pub?
01:27Got to be polite to Raquel and Del.
01:29Just the way the baby's head.
01:31Roughly translated, that means I can't wait to get down the nags head and get legless with Del.
01:37Take your time, Pam.
01:38We've got to christen the baby first.
01:44Yes.
01:45Why are you always all about me?
01:47Getting drunk?
01:48Where was the last time that happened?
01:49The last time you went down the nags head with Del.
01:51Fuck it.
01:52And obediently received his commandments.
01:56The star renounced the devil and all his works.
02:04I renounce them all.
02:06The star renounced the vain pomp and glory and the carnal desires of the flesh.
02:13Yes.
02:17I renounce them all.
02:19Oh, yeah.
02:20Me too.
02:22It's lovely, Nick.
02:24Spunning.
02:27Do you feel anything?
02:29Yes.
02:30I feel a great urgency to get out of here as soon as possible and finish my packing.
02:34You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow?
02:36I've finished all the packing.
02:37Stop moaning, Boisey.
02:39I'm going to get annoyed.
02:42Do you remember, Tyler?
02:43It's Christmas.
02:45Yeah.
02:47I went to church for most of them, wasn't it?
02:49God, parents, will you please name this child?
02:53Yes, it's Damien Derek Trotter.
02:57Damien Derek?
02:59Yes.
03:02Damien Derek.
03:04Bye.
03:14I baptise thee, Damien Derek, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
03:22We receive this child in the congregation of Christ's flock, and assign him with the sign of the cross.
03:27э, Damien Derek.
03:28Oh, thank you.
03:30Yeah.
03:40Oi, oi, oi, mind a paintwork, will you?
03:43Come on, Nicky, get a move on.
03:45Just set in the automatic timer.
03:48He's no David Bailey, is he?
03:50Baby, baby.
03:51More like bathe it daily.
03:54Ready?
03:55Everybody smile.
03:57Smile, trigger.
03:58I am smiling.
04:05Ah, thank you very much, Reverend.
04:07That was a cracking display.
04:08It was a beautiful ceremony, thank you.
04:10Oh, my pleasure.
04:11Perhaps I'll be seeing you two again in the near future?
04:14Well, I'll do.
04:15What do you mean, a wedding?
04:16Don't hold your breath on it, son.
04:17She's still married.
04:18Well, I'm legally separated.
04:19I'm waiting for my divorce to come through.
04:20Yeah, almost, fucker.
04:23Well, no, if you need me, I'll be here.
04:26God bless you both.
04:27Yeah.
04:27Thank you, Reverend.
04:28Thank you very much, Reverend.
04:29Oh, by the way, Reverend, I'll be in to see you in a minute.
04:31I've got something I want to talk to you about.
04:33Yes, of course.
04:34I'll be inside.
04:35Okay.
04:36What do you want to say him about?
04:37Just a bit of business, sweetheart.
04:38A bit of business.
04:38Business?
04:39How can you discuss business here?
04:41This is a church.
04:42Oh, come on, Rap Girl.
04:43Even churches have got to make profits.
04:45Have you read your Bible recently?
04:48Have you?
04:49No.
04:51But I remember our RE teacher reading it to us once, and there is a chapter in the Bible
04:55actually called the Book of Prophets.
04:59So don't tell me that God doesn't know a bit of answers.
05:02No, it doesn't mean profit.
05:04It's a lovely Christmas, Raquel.
05:06One of the nicest I've been to.
05:08Oh, thanks, Marley.
05:09I brought you a little present.
05:10It's one of them baby intercoms, you know, so as you can hear Damien if he cries at night.
05:15You can even talk back to him from your living room.
05:18Let him hear Mummy's voice, you know.
05:20You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?
05:22Oh, yeah, no problem.
05:23I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow.
05:25Listen, I'll leave you two girls to have a chinwag.
05:27See you later.
05:28All right.
05:29Listen, Del, Del, I'm going to shoot off now, mate, and open up the pub.
05:32Listen, about this christening deal I'm putting on for you, I'm a bit concerned, mate.
05:36Don't be Michael.
05:37I've got every faith in you.
05:38No, no, no, no, no.
05:39I'm concerned about the money.
05:41You wouldn't like to actually pay me now or at least give me a deposit.
05:44How dare you, Michael, talk business here outside the church.
05:49Church.
05:51Go on.
05:56So, you're up on holiday tomorrow?
05:57Yeah, we're going to the States.
05:59We fly to Washington, then down to Atlantic City for a week, and then on to Florida.
06:05Stop it, you're making me jealous.
06:06Well, it's not going to be that good.
06:08Voice is going with me.
06:14Look at Paul, little Rodney.
06:16Is he still living at your flat?
06:18Well, he stays with me and Del from Monday to Friday, then he spends the weekends with Cassandra.
06:22Yeah, he sees her at weekends.
06:24Yeah.
06:25Oh, well.
06:26I suppose he's more fun than fishing.
06:30Rodney.
06:37Hi, Alan.
06:40Hi, Alan.
06:41Right.
06:47So, how's the new job?
06:50What new job?
06:51Working for Del.
06:52Oh, that.
06:53Oh, fine.
06:54We've got international now.
06:56Del's very big in Eastern Europe.
06:57Oh, that's right.
06:58Yeah, he was telling me he's got contacts in Warsaw.
07:00Walsall.
07:00No, Warsaw.
07:03Yeah.
07:04But this bloke's cousin is an exporter in Romania.
07:07Oh, Romania.
07:10Good.
07:12Look, how are you getting on with Del?
07:18Oh, no, she's just going down the path.
07:20I said I'd see her there later.
07:22You going down for one?
07:23Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:24Just for a quick one.
07:26Just a quick one.
07:27I know you two well.
07:28No, no, honestly.
07:28It will be just a quick one.
07:29I've had my orders.
07:30Oh, by the way, I've got something for you.
07:33What's that?
07:34It's a cheque.
07:35You remember when you first started to work for me, you joined a firm's pension scheme?
07:38Well, they finally came up with your repayments.
07:40Now, I've had a talk to the insurance company, and they say, if you like, you can keep the
07:44policy open.
07:44I mean, in the long term, it might prove to be the basis of a nice little nest egg for
07:47later years.
07:48Well, that's really nice of you, Alan.
07:50Yeah, I'm going to take you up on that offer.
07:52I knew you'd say that.
07:53Well, you know, I'm not one of these grab-the-money-and-run merchants.
07:56My philosophy has always been, look after the future, now.
07:59My sentiments, exactly.
08:01So, let's see.
08:04£935 invested in a policy attracting a gross annual interest of what?
08:08£935?
08:08£5?
08:09Oh, I'll take that now, Alan.
08:10What about the future?
08:11What future?
08:12I'll work for Dell.
08:15I don't quite understand what you mean, Mr. Trotter.
08:18Let me try to explain, shall I?
08:19Um, let me see.
08:20What would you do if you had an extra £10,000 or £20,000 a year coming in?
08:26Well, build a new youth club?
08:29Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings?
08:31I'm afraid I'm not used to making decisions of that magnitude.
08:33Well, I can change the order, Reverend.
08:35I've come up with an idea that can revolutionise your fundraising mechanism.
08:39What do you put in there?
08:41Communion wine.
08:42Yeah, I know.
08:42But before you pour it in, it's not communion wine, is it?
08:45Well, no, it's ordinary wine, until I bless it.
08:46Until you bless it.
08:48Exactly.
08:49Now then, tell me.
08:49How long does it take to bless it?
08:51Two or three minutes?
08:52Two or three minutes.
08:54Right.
08:54Well, let's call it what?
08:54Say, three minutes.
08:56That's three minutes.
08:57Three times a day.
08:57That's three threes and nine.
08:59Nine minutes a day.
09:00Seven days a week.
09:01Because I know you blokes, you work on Sundays and all, don't you?
09:04That works out about one hour a week times 52.
09:09That works out about two days a year that you lose just blessing wine.
09:13And that's not including a trip down to Obbins to pick it up.
09:17So I reckon that you lose about, what, say, one week every year just blessing wine?
09:21Well, possibly.
09:22No, possibly.
09:22No, positively.
09:23You just think about it.
09:25Think of all the other clergymen all over the country who are also losing one week every
09:29year.
09:30Right?
09:30God, we must be losing months and months of vicar hours.
09:34Just think of all the good works that you could do with all them lost months.
09:39Well, I never thought a bit like that before.
09:41Well, I have.
09:41Well, I have.
09:42And I tell you, it has been bothering me.
09:44Come sit down here.
09:45Sit down, you reverence.
09:46Just a minute.
09:46Oh, no, that's all right.
09:47Now, you just sit down for a second.
09:48Let me explain.
09:49Because I have worked out a way in which I can give you back that precious quality time.
09:55How?
09:56Are you ready for this?
09:59Trotter's pre-blessed wine.
10:02Trotter's pre-blessed wine?
10:03Yes.
10:04It's like the holy version of sliced bread.
10:08See, look, I've got this mate of mine, right?
10:11I have this mate of mine.
10:12He's a vintner up north.
10:13And he's shipping in this new range of Romanian wine.
10:17Romanian wine.
10:18Yeah.
10:18It's going to be all the range.
10:19Don't you worry about it.
10:19And the idea is this.
10:20They drive it straight up from Tilbury to here, where you will bless it by the lorry load.
10:24Right?
10:24Then we'll ship it out to all the churches and all the cathedrals all over the country.
10:28I mean, once we're up and running, there'll be no stopping us.
10:31Where are we now?
10:31What?
10:31It's nearly 1992.
10:33I mean, this time next year, we'll be exporting all over Europe.
10:36And here is the brick on top of the chimbley.
10:39Right?
10:40We get it at £1.39 a bottle.
10:42We knock it out at £2.50.
10:44The church will be rejoicing.
10:45A flock will be redeemed.
10:46And you and I will be a knicker and a bit in front.
10:50Everyone's a winner.
10:51Reign of dare, reign of fear, as they say in Lewis.
10:54Yes.
10:55I could see how it could save time.
10:57Time, yes.
10:57Of course it can save time.
10:58And time is money.
11:00Money that is much better spent on roofs and orphans and organs.
11:03That is my motto.
11:04It's very commendable of you, Mr. Trotter, but I'm slightly stunned.
11:09Yes, of course you are.
11:10Of course you are.
11:12Now you know how the people felt when they saw the burning bush or the first pot noodle.
11:18I mean, this time next year, four are heard.
11:21We'll be asking for your autograph.
11:24Yeah, I know.
11:24It knocks you sideways, doesn't it?
11:26I don't know.
11:27It must be a sign or something like that.
11:29Anyway, listen.
11:30I'll let you think about it, all right?
11:31In the meantime, what I'll do is I'll send in the first lorry load so you can have a bit
11:34of a practice.
11:35See if you can interest your other colleagues.
11:37You know, square it with the bishop.
11:38That sort of thing you know in me.
11:39Yes.
11:40Oh, by the way, listen.
11:41I just wanted to slip you this.
11:42That is for the christening it was a belter.
11:44Bonjour for now.
11:47Bonjour.
12:00What do you want?
12:03I've heard there's some business going down.
12:05I was just wondering if there's something in it for me.
12:07I'm the managing director of my own firm now.
12:09Oh, yeah.
12:09I'm very impressed, Mickey.
12:11No, there's nothing in it for you.
12:12I'm doing this for charity.
12:13Oh, well, if you hear the same, let us know, eh?
12:16I mean, I've always done you a good turn.
12:18Why, have you ever done anything for me?
12:21Yeah, well, I'll do you some good turns in the future, then.
12:23Look, just so you know, if you don't any help...
12:26All right.
12:26Thank you very much, Mickey.
12:27I'll bear it in mind.
12:28All right?
12:30Wait a minute.
12:32Wait a minute.
12:34I was wondering.
12:36What?
12:37No, I don't think you can handle it.
12:39I can handle it?
12:39No sweat.
12:41What is it?
12:44Well, a little bit out of your normal area, it is, Mickey.
12:48As long as you're not frightened of a challenge.
12:50There's nothing I like better than a challenge.
12:52I'm your man.
12:54All right.
12:55Put it there.
12:56All right, it's a deal.
12:57You come with me, and I'll tell you what I want you to do.
12:59My firm is in a phase of expansion.
13:02I was computerised three months ago.
13:04When?
13:05I thought you had a bit of a limp.
13:29I thought you had a bit of a limp.
13:36I just wish you could choose your pens.
13:38Oh, no.
13:39It's not Alan again, is it?
13:41It's always the same when we have family parties.
13:43A couple of drinks, that's all it takes.
13:47You ought to stay off the scotch.
13:51I haven't been on the scotch.
13:52I've been on the shandies.
13:58Now she can do it.
14:00Come on, now.
14:02Kissy, kissy, down.
14:07Just take her home, Daddy.
14:09Oh, yeah.
14:09What do I do with her then?
14:10Well, I've got a limp and rug in the back of the bed.
14:20Oh, how am I going to leave the embarrassment down?
14:23Well, you better have a work with Rodney.
14:24He's had years of experience.
14:27No, sorry.
14:28Anyway, talking about Rodney, what is it between you two?
14:30He's well gutted about his Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
14:33I mean, what's happened between you two?
14:34It's private, Dale.
14:36All right, well, I won't stick my nose in, but if you want to talk either of you, I'm here.
14:41And you know me, I'm straight down the line.
14:43No old bull and no porkies.
14:45Thanks, Dale.
14:46All right.
14:46Is Damien back at the flat?
14:48Oh, yeah, yeah.
14:49Who's babysitting?
14:50Vicky Pierce.
15:02Oh, is that the holiday brochure?
15:07Yes, look, he's one of the hotels we're staying at.
15:10I don't believe that, woman.
15:11How many times I've got the talent to keep quiet about this holiday.
15:15Why is that then, Boise?
15:16See, well, I don't want every cat birder in Peckham to know that my house is going to be empty
15:20for three weeks, do I?
15:22I'm security conscious these days.
15:24That's why I haven't ordered a minicab to take us to the airport.
15:27Dale boy's doing it.
15:29I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
15:32Yeah, but they were all busy, weren't they?
15:34That's right, so I had to ask Dale.
15:37Mind you, I've got to hand it to him.
15:39He's put on a good spread here today.
15:40What do you mean, he's put on a good spread?
15:42This is all on the slate.
15:44Hey, I've got so many of these slates under here, I could retire my bloody birthday.
15:49Dale will pay you, no worries.
15:50Yeah, Dale's had a big cheque arrive.
15:52Now, what about that now, Fee?
15:54Nine hundred and thirty-five quid.
15:56See?
15:56I saw the cheque.
15:57Yeah, I saw an advert for the RAC, but I still broke down.
16:08You're looking for that iron?
16:09What did you leave this in your jacket for?
16:10Someone could have taken it.
16:11Somebody did bloody take it.
16:14This could be nicked, forged and cashed before you could say Marriage Guidance Council.
16:18Shut up a bit.
16:19Well, that's it.
16:20Listen, I'm taking this down and I'm paying this into your account next week, all right?
16:22It's all right.
16:23All right.
16:24How are things between you and Cassandra?
16:26Why?
16:27Well, you don't seem to be talking to her very much.
16:28Well, we haven't got much to say to each other.
16:30What is the matter, probably?
16:31What's the problem between you two?
16:33It's private, all right?
16:35Look, you used to confide in me, now you tell me nothing.
16:37Look, I might be able to help you.
16:39Dale, watch my lips.
16:40It is private, all right?
16:42I'll sort it out in my own way.
16:43All right, you watch my lips.
16:44You'll sort nothing out without talking about it.
16:46All right.
16:47All right.
16:47Go on, go ahead and enjoy yourself.
16:48I will.
16:48Go on.
16:49Go on.
16:50Mate, give me a little bit of a straggle one, will we?
16:55Problems, Dave?
16:56Oh, I want to talk about it, Trey.
16:58You ever been wrongly accused of something?
17:00Yeah, once.
17:02Yeah?
17:02How'd you get out of it?
17:04Oh, I didn't.
17:05I was guilty.
17:09All right, everybody, see that you just finished.
17:11I'm going to take you down to the airport in style.
17:13You'll go in my cap-free gear.
17:14What time do you want me to pick you up?
17:15About 11 o'clock.
17:16The plane leaves at 1.30.
17:18I don't think I'd go to America.
17:19And what is wrong with America?
17:21It's violent, isn't it?
17:23You've been watching too much telly.
17:25Yeah.
17:25I'm telling you.
17:26They're on the verge of a drugs war over there.
17:28Oh, get out.
17:29Who told you that?
17:31I saw a programme on the telly.
17:33On the telly.
17:35See what I mean?
17:36Soppy as a sack.
17:38I'll bet he sent a note to sympathy to Rita Fairclub when old Len snuffed it.
17:43You know what?
17:44He closed a pub for a week when Daphne and neighbours died.
17:47When I say a programme on the telly.
17:49I don't think you should laugh about things like that.
17:52Eh?
17:54The dead can't defend themselves.
17:58No, no.
17:58See, Drake, you think you had a three-month-old baby.
18:02Who do you?
18:03Who are you, Fairclub?
18:04I'm talking about Daphne.
18:07Yeah, yeah.
18:07I'm sorry, Drake.
18:08No, it was tragic.
18:12Well, I've made my point.
18:18Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Drake.
18:21I think we've got to be very careful.
18:22I mean, Drake gets very emotional.
18:24He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
18:28Well, if when I say a programme on the telly,
18:31I'm not talking about Hill Street Blues or Magnum.
18:33This was Panorama.
18:35Panorama.
18:36Oh, man.
18:36Really?
18:37Listen, they've got contract killers on the loose over there.
18:39Well, how's that going to affect Boise?
18:40He's going with Thomas Cook.
18:43Michael, I hardly think some hitman
18:45is going to have a pop at two British tourists.
18:47Yeah, if he does, he'd better do it in the evening.
18:49I mean, one look at Marlene when she gets out of bed
18:51is enough to make anyone run a mile.
18:54That woman could put the frights up Hannibal Lecter.
18:59How do you know what Marlene looks like
19:01when she gets out of bed?
19:02Your milkman told me.
19:17Hi.
19:18Hi.
19:21Have a good evening.
19:23Mm.
19:25You got time for a chat?
19:27It's got anything to do with uniforms.
19:28The answer's no.
19:31Nothing to do with uniforms.
19:33I'm not dressing up as a Victorian maid for anyone.
19:38Look, I've heard a few drinks
19:39and I've said something stupid.
19:41There's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
19:43I mean, haven't you ever said something stupid?
19:45Yeah, a couple of years ago, I said I'd do.
19:50That's not fair, Jess.
19:52I didn't mean it.
19:54I'm sorry.
19:57Look, I won't mention uniforms again.
19:59I promise.
20:00All right, then.
20:03Well, glad the christening went off all right.
20:05I thought it was really moving.
20:07It was such a lovely baby.
20:10Loveland?
20:11He's always biting me.
20:12He can't quite try to flush out my arms.
20:15You liar.
20:16He smiled when he saw you.
20:18Yeah.
20:18Because he thought, here comes eleven things.
20:21Shut up.
20:22He's a beautiful little thing.
20:24That's easy for you to say, isn't it?
20:26You haven't got to live in the same flat as...
20:30No, sorry.
20:31I wasn't trying to...
20:34Well, you're not.
20:35We don't live at Del's all the time.
20:37We spend the weekends together.
20:39Oh, yeah.
20:41Yeah, we spend weekends together.
20:42Don't start, Roddy.
20:44We discussed all our problems with the Relate Councillor.
20:47And you remember what she said, after she stopped laughing?
20:50She advised us to try and get back together gradually, by just spending the weekends together at first.
20:55You must be joking.
20:57Well, the offer still holds.
20:58It's up to you, Roddy.
21:00Now, do you think we could change the subject?
21:01Yes, sorry.
21:05Now, things at the bank?
21:07Heard anything about your promotion?
21:09Not yet.
21:10But I'm definitely on the short list.
21:12I've been invited to the company's seminar in Eastbourne.
21:15Oh.
21:15Seminar in Eastbourne?
21:17Oh.
21:19Sorry.
21:22What's important, then, is it, this seminar?
21:24It's where the final interviews will be held.
21:26Well.
21:28Here's to your future.
21:30Ours.
21:32Yeah.
21:33Don't look like that.
21:35Please.
21:38This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
21:40Well, that's just it.
21:41Everybody is celebrating.
21:43Boys here, Marlene, are off to the States.
21:45Del and Raquel are just christened Chavvy.
21:48Well, that could be us in a while.
21:52What, a baby?
21:54No, I don't know if we could go to America.
21:56It's always been a Christian of mine.
21:58Once I get my promotion, we could put some money aside and we could have a holiday in California or
22:03Florida.
22:05Yeah, when?
22:06I don't know.
22:07A couple of years?
22:11I was leaving.
22:14There must be a bunch of trees.
22:17There must be thousands of trees in the world.
22:19It is not just a bunch of trees, Trig.
22:22It is the Brazilian rainforest, the lungs of the world.
22:25And they are destroying it at the rate of 25 acres a day.
22:28Where is that, then, Exa?
22:29Huh?
22:31Where is the Brazilian rainforest?
22:33He's going to ask her a saluting.
22:35He's catching his own.
22:38Ah, Albert, there you are.
22:40Listen, I've booked you a front row seat at the Lawn Drama.
22:43Go on, away you go.
22:44Yeah, Rodney, I want to work with you.
22:46Oh, give us a decaffeinated cappuccino and a jam donut with us.
22:50Something about that bleeding rainforest again.
22:52That's the fourth time this week Rodney's given a lecture in my cab.
22:56Oh, that's all right.
22:56He's worried about our world, isn't he?
22:59Wouldn't do you, anyway.
22:59I'm going to show a bit more care and all.
23:00Look at that, look.
23:01You see, it's fossil fuels.
23:02People do not realise the damage they are doing to this planet.
23:05I don't have none of them in my house.
23:07I use gas and oil.
23:11See, they are fossil fuels.
23:13Are they?
23:14Well, I'll switch to coal in future.
23:17No, coal is the same.
23:19I had a coal burner fitted in my place.
23:21It's not as dear as you think, you know, Rodney.
23:23Put on Rodney's slate, will you?
23:24I don't know how many bloody trees there are, Trigg.
23:27They're just cutting them down.
23:28Rodney, Rodders, leave it out.
23:30You'll never turn this lot green as long as you've got a hole in your ozone.
23:36Lots of exciting news to tell you.
23:37In private, come down here.
23:39Private, please, do you mind?
23:41I'll give up on you two.
23:44God, you're so much driving.
23:46Trying to make people understand what is happening on this planet.
23:48Yeah, I know.
23:49It gives me the right hump and all.
23:50You know, they are more concerned with a postcard from Boise Mowling.
23:53Oh, dear.
23:54Here, we had one of those this morning.
23:55Yeah, look at that.
23:56It's a lovely hotel, isn't it?
23:58Yeah, what?
24:00All right, so what's this exciting news in?
24:03Oh, yes.
24:03Well, I went down to the bank this morning, right, to pay in your cheque.
24:06I would have done it earlier, but, you know, I've been having trouble with me.
24:08Wine deal and what have you.
24:09You bet very much shit.
24:10So you have paid it in?
24:11Yeah, of course I have.
24:12You've got to look after that money, Rodney.
24:13I don't want you sending it all off the sting, do I?
24:16Anyway, when I was down there, I bumped into Cassandra.
24:21She was just going for lunch, so I joined her.
24:22While I was having lunch, I had this great idea on your behalf, because I know how much
24:27you like to travel.
24:28I am not going to Romania.
24:30I know your wine shipment's developed problems.
24:33Who told you that?
24:34Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest last night, and when you come off the fun, you
24:37was all pale and sweating.
24:39Right, there's nothing I can't handle.
24:40It's just a little hiccup with the old translation, that's all.
24:43Anyway, listen, this idea was for you and Cassandra, right?
24:45We got talking.
24:45We was talking about Boise and Marlene's already.
24:48What's that?
24:49But Cassandra would love to go to America.
24:53All the way down here, right, I called into Alex's, you know, the travel agent in the ice
24:57street, he has got a once-in-a-lifetime off never to be repeated, right, and particularly
25:02a giveaway of it.
25:04Return tickets to Miami, 250 snapper-moos.
25:07Yeah, well, that's a monkey before you got fed for the night, ain't it?
25:10No, no, no, no, no, you see, because here's the cherry on top of the cake.
25:14Two go for the price of one.
25:16Think about it, Robert, you and Cassandra spending a week on Miami Beach.
25:22Miami?
25:24Now, I could never fold it.
25:26Of course you can afford it.
25:27What are you talking about?
25:28You've got your Maxwell money, haven't you?
25:30I do, man.
25:32Maxwell, your pension money.
25:37Why am I?
25:38Turn for the price of mine.
25:40Oh, Rodney, just think about it.
25:42I mean, she'll love it.
25:42She's real.
25:43I know that.
25:44Just imagine how old Cassandra's going to feel when you announce your holiday of her
25:47lifetime.
25:48She'll be all over you like a rash.
25:52I mean, is that a brilliant idea or is it just, like, wonderful?
25:54What?
25:56Bloody hell, there was a cosmic idea.
25:58Would you let me have the time off?
25:59Of course you can have the time off.
26:00Oh, ace.
26:02Oh, but what about Cassandra?
26:03No, it's all right.
26:04Don't worry about her, because they're bank like they owe her a couple of three weeks
26:06holiday.
26:07She told me.
26:07You're off and running, bro.
26:08Yeah?
26:08Yeah.
26:10I'd better go and phone her.
26:11Just make sure it's all right.
26:12No, no, no.
26:12Don't phone her.
26:13No?
26:13No, don't phone her.
26:14No, no, no, no.
26:15She's down there.
26:16You take her out for dinner, right?
26:18And then when you get to the old coffee and the Grand Monnier steaks, you throw the tickets
26:24down on the table and you say, darling, I am taking you to Miami.
26:29You'll knock her bandit.
26:32Right, but get down that travel, I used to be sharp.
26:34Yeah, no, no, don't go down there.
26:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
26:37Stay there.
26:37Save the shoe lever, Rodney.
26:39Because you see, I've got them for you.
26:43Harry, you are a dine.
26:46Ah!
26:47What did you know I wanted you?
26:49Well, I've just thought of myself, even a ponker like you wouldn't turn your nose up
26:52at a deal like this.
26:53I don't know what I feel about you sometimes.
26:55I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.
26:58Did you afford it?
26:59I thought you were skinned.
26:59I am.
27:00I took one of your checks down the bank and cashed it.
27:02You took money out of my account!
27:04Yeah, don't you dare thank me!
27:08It's no big deal.
27:09I can forge your signature as easy as that.
27:17What?
27:20Yeah, lovely, son.
27:22Where is everyone?
27:24Littlin's in his cot.
27:25Raquel's cooking a tea.
27:26Roddy's taking Cassandra out to dinner.
27:28Yeah, he's going to tell her about Miami.
27:31Oh, I'd love to be there and see her face.
27:34Yeah, so would I.
27:37Here, look, all right.
27:38Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
27:39Now, just...
27:40Any calls for me?
27:42Calls?
27:43Yes, you know, I have the telephone rung and a voice asked to speak to me.
27:46Not that I'm aware of.
27:47Right, good.
27:47Thank God for that.
27:49Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today.
27:52I was walking past the church, you know, the one where we held the christening, and there
27:56was a big, old, chicken-lady lorry parked in the grounds.
27:59There was some sort of German writing on the side, and the back doors were open, full up
28:04with cases of wine it was.
28:06And that dicker, the one what christened Damien, he was making a sign of the cross and saying
28:12a prayer to this lorry.
28:15Funny old world, isn't it, eh?
28:18Listen to me.
28:19Anyone phones or calls round here and ask for me, I'm not in, all right?
28:22You say anyone, you mean particularly people with Romanian accents?
28:25No, hello, sweetheart.
28:27I couldn't hear you creasing.
28:28No, I didn't mean people with Romanian accents.
28:32I just thought I ought to maintain a bit of a low profile for a while.
28:36So, anyway, I'll go and take a look at Damien.
28:38You dare.
28:39It's taken me over an hour to get him to sleep.
28:41Oh, all right, all right.
28:42Well, I think I'll make myself a Singapore sling to unwind, and then I'll take
28:47a nice hot bath.
28:49Rodney's back.
28:51All right, brothers?
28:51Come on, then.
28:52What's Cassandra say?
28:54I'm going to bed.
28:56Everything all right, bro?
28:57Oh, brilliant, though.
28:59Bloody brilliant.
29:00Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me.
29:03Eh?
29:03Why not?
29:04Because she is busy that week.
29:07Doing what?
29:08Oh, she has to attend the Banks Seminar in Bloody Eastbourne.
29:12Can you believe that?
29:13She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy interview,
29:17so she can become an executive.
29:19That girl ought to get her priorities right.
29:21Hold on, let's be fair about this.
29:23Hold on, let's be fair about this, Rodney.
29:25Cassandra's told me about these interviews.
29:27They're very important to her.
29:28She's been going to college and evening school for five years now.
29:30It's all been leading to this seminar.
29:32You can't expect her to risk her future for seven days in the sun.
29:35It's not that, Raquel.
29:36It was just my luck, innit?
29:38Any other week of the year would have been fine.
29:41But no, it had to be that week.
29:42Look, I know it's tough, Rodney, but it's just the way it goes.
29:46Well, for me, it is, yeah.
29:49See you in a moment.
29:51Yeah, good night, bro.
29:54Dear, oh, dear, oh, Lord.
29:56That's a bit of a body blow, innit?
29:58Yeah.
29:59He was really looking forward to that as well.
30:02It's a pity he didn't phone Cassandra first,
30:03make sure everything was all right.
30:05Yeah.
30:08Well, of course, I said to him, I told him to phone her.
30:12I said, you phone her, make sure that she can make that wee.
30:15But, you know, he wouldn't listen.
30:16You know what he's like, don't you?
30:17It's a shame.
30:18Yeah, yeah.
30:27Stupid bank.
30:29Stupid, stupid bank.
30:31Stupid bank.
30:47Sleep, Damien.
30:49Otherwise, Uncle Rodney will get angry.
30:51You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
30:56You'll just pack it in, will you?
30:58Look, you don't frighten me, so just go to sleep.
31:01What's she doing in there?
31:03I don't know.
31:04Sounds like he's having a row with Damien.
31:09Who do you think you're talking to, Rodney?
31:11Jesus!
31:21All right, Rob?
31:23Yeah?
31:24Yeah, fine.
31:25You're not pale?
31:26No.
31:29Oh, I was just thinking I'll probably, I won't sleep in here with Damien no more,
31:33because I keep snoring and waking him up.
31:38Bless him.
31:40I'll just keep down here on a sofa if that's all right.
31:42Yeah, anything you like, Rob?
31:44All right, well, I'll just have a quick shower then on it for a sec.
31:49Sorry.
31:49It's all right.
31:50I'm used to it.
31:51All right.
31:52You going on, you?
31:52No.
31:53Yeah, all right.
32:01He was really looking forward to going to Miami, weren't you?
32:04I had dreams, you know.
32:06That's what it would be like.
32:07You get your money back, though, son.
32:09No, I won't.
32:10Tickets are non-refundable.
32:12Still going, though, aren't you?
32:13Of course I ain't.
32:15Of course you are, Rodney.
32:16You've got to go.
32:16Otherwise, Cassandra would think you're nothing but a puppet that can't do anything unless she pulls your strings.
32:22Well, I'll be all on my own.
32:23Oh, you're right.
32:24Well, you're only going for a week, aren't you?
32:25What do you think about him?
32:27He was all on his own once for three months on an uninhabited island.
32:32Of course, it wasn't uninhabited when he arrived, but that's another story.
32:36Listen, Rodney, now you've got to go.
32:37You've got to prove to Cassandra that you're a man.
32:39And you're not frightened to stand on your own two feet in a big wide world.
32:44Do you know you're right?
32:45Yeah.
32:45So you're going, son?
32:48Possibly.
32:53He won't go, will he?
32:55Yeah, of course he'll go, honk.
32:57And do you know why?
32:58Because I'm going with him.
33:02There you are.
33:04You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?
33:07You're all warm and happy.
33:10We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?
33:13Can't go to Miami now.
33:15It's a shame.
33:18Shall I put your mobile on for you?
33:20The one Daddy bought you.
33:22Yeah?
33:24You've got a lovely Daddy, haven't you?
33:26Buying you all these nice presents.
33:31Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney.
33:34You wouldn't mind, would you?
33:37You'd only be gone for a week.
33:42Where have I got that from?
33:45Yes, a mystery.
33:47Like so many things.
33:50What about Raquel?
33:52Can you persuade her?
33:54Can Fergie ski?
33:56I only want to go for a week in Miami.
33:58It's not like I'm taking a six-month exhibition up at the jungle, is it?
34:02My Ada weren't too happy when I told her I was going abroad.
34:05No, that was because you joined the Navy and went round the world seven bloody times.
34:09Not like a poor gal got the needle.
34:13Mum, he's just outside.
34:16I'll switch your little box on, in case you need me.
34:18What I want to do is to go to Miami and we've robbed him for seven days.
34:22I mean, he's got a ticket going begging.
34:25I mean, Raquel has been to America, isn't she?
34:27What about me?
34:29I don't know where.
34:30Better dormant Bob done.
34:32That's me.
34:33No, she might be all right.
34:35Raquel will be okay, you see.
34:38Yeah, I'll work her.
34:39Everything will be cushy.
34:41I wouldn't be surprised if she puts the block on you.
34:44Leave it out, uncle.
34:46I'm the governor in this house, isn't he?
34:47I should just tell her.
34:48I should just say, I should say, Raquel, I should say,
34:50I'm going to go to Miami with my brother, like it will lump me.
34:53Yeah, that's what I should say.
34:53I should say, pick the bones out of that, darling.
34:56Are you all right, sweetheart?
34:58What's that, Dan?
34:59Del's got something to tell you, love.
35:01Oh, yeah?
35:02What's that?
35:06That programme you want to watch on the television and film
35:08is just about to start in a minute, isn't it?
35:09Come on, come on, come on, sit down on your chaise lounge.
35:11That's right.
35:11You do this in the oven.
35:12Don't worry about that, I like it all baked up.
35:15There we go.
35:16Can I get you a drink?
35:17No, thanks.
35:18Oh, all right, then.
35:18Ah, there you go.
35:19Are you nice and comfy now?
35:21There you are, darling.
35:22Yes.
35:23Custy.
35:26Come on, then.
35:27Come to your lover.
35:29That's it.
35:30That's it.
35:38Oh, it's a shame, isn't it?
35:46Yes, it's a crime, bloody shame.
35:50What is it?
35:52Poor little Rodney.
35:53You mean those tickets to Miami, son?
35:56Yes, that's right, hon.
35:56Yeah, because Cassandra, she can't go with him now, so he won't be able to go.
36:01Couldn't Rodney go on his own?
36:02No, definitely not.
36:03I went to Miami.
36:04Yeah, I know that.
36:05You've got a bit of savvy, haven't you?
36:06You couldn't have Rodney Trotter and Dan Quayle on the same continent.
36:11No, you need someone to look after him.
36:14Yeah, trouble is, that's it, isn't it?
36:16But what can you do, you know?
36:18Hmm.
36:19Hmm.
36:23Poor little Rodney.
36:25Yeah, I've got an idea.
36:27What's that, honk?
36:28Why don't he take someone with him?
36:30That's a good idea.
36:32That's good, haven't you?
36:33Yeah, yeah, well, so am I.
36:35Yeah, of course, the trouble is...
36:38Who?
36:39Who?
36:39What about Mickey Pierce?
36:47That's a great idea, it's brilliant, it's a brilliant idea, the trouble is, the trouble
36:50is that the tickets, you see, they're made out in the name of Trotter and they're not
36:53transferable.
36:54You mean he's got to go with someone named Trotter?
36:57Exactly.
36:59Exactly.
37:01Oh, dear.
37:03Poor little Rodney.
37:09Why don't you go with him, Del?
37:11Me?
37:13Your name's Trotter.
37:16Yes, yes, yes, great, yeah, but...
37:20But what?
37:21No, I...
37:22No, I couldn't go and leave you and little Damien on your own.
37:25Why, beer?
37:27Yeah, that's like asking McDonald's to look after your cow, innit?
37:32Well, it's only for a week, I think Damien and I could just about manage to survive.
37:36Yeah, no, no, I couldn't do that, darling, no, because I'm not that sort of bloke, you
37:39see, I mean, I'd be worried sick.
37:40All right, then, don't want to make you ill.
37:47On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish.
37:50I couldn't imagine you being that, Dev.
37:51No, no, no, no, see, the thing is, the thing is, this is a chance of a lifetime for little
37:54Rodney, the poor little cock, you know, and...
37:57Well, as it was my idea, I feel partly the blame.
38:00Go to Miami, Del.
38:03Well, really?
38:04Really, you'll love it.
38:07Terrific.
38:13Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.
38:17No, I'm only doing it for poor little Rodney.
38:24You know what, Raquel?
38:26I've got a heart like a diamond, you have.
38:28You have.
38:29You know what you remind me of?
38:30You remind me so much of my mum.
38:33Thanks.
38:35I'll bring you back a blinding present.
38:38Here, Rodney, Del's got some good news for you.
38:41Well, sir.
38:42Hey, I'm coming to Miami with you.
38:45Oh, you bloody ain't.
38:49Mate, I ain't going on holiday with you.
38:53Excuse me, excuse me a moment.
38:54Would you?
38:55Excuse me.
38:56Rodney, can I have a word with you?
38:57Any executive boardrooms, please?
38:59Wherever you go.
39:00Thank you very much.
39:00Sorry about this.
39:02It's just a little mixed up.
39:03I'll see and straighten him out.
39:04Okay?
39:07You've got a bloody hell of it.
39:08Damien.
39:09What?
39:16What's the matter with you, Rodney?
39:17What is your problem?
39:18No, I am not flying 4,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean with you in my ear hole all day
39:23and all night.
39:23I was hoping for a break from all that.
39:25You seem to forget I've been on holiday with you before.
39:29That's charming, that is, isn't it, eh?
39:32Absolutely charming.
39:33After all that I have done for you.
39:36Oh, dear.
39:36What thanks do I get, eh?
39:38No bloody thanks.
39:39That's the thanks I get.
39:40And I...
39:42Now look what you've done.
39:47Shh.
39:47Shh.
39:48Damien, shh.
39:49It's all right.
39:50Daddy's here.
39:51Raquel?
39:54Of course we've been on holiday before, Rodney.
39:56We had a bloody good time, didn't we?
39:57No, you had a good time, Del.
39:59Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards was praying their spleen would burst.
40:04You shouted things at women.
40:06You got us into fights.
40:08We were on holiday.
40:10Well, this time I'm looking for a more relaxing holiday.
40:13Relaxing?
40:14Ah, I see.
40:15So what you're trying to say, that I'm not relaxing...
40:17That I'm not relaxing...
40:18Is that...
40:19Is that...
40:22Raquel, the baby's praying!
40:26Rodney, that's all different now.
40:27That was in the past, you see, because I'm a changed man, see?
40:30The reason why I'm changed, I'm telling you, look, I'm a married man with a baby.
40:34Well, I mean, I've got a baby.
40:36See, that's the reason why I've changed.
40:39Because I've got a son whom I cherish.
40:41All right, darling, I'm coming.
40:43And there's the mother of my son whom cherishes me.
40:46Don't break your back, Trotter, I'll deal with him.
40:50Thanks, sweetheart.
40:54You're judging me by a few, what, misguided incidents, that's all.
40:59I've told you, I'm changed now.
41:01Rodney, come on.
41:02You want to go to Miami, don't you?
41:04Well, of course I want to go, but...
41:07Well, this time I want it to be...
41:10Sensible.
41:11Sensible?
41:12Of course you do.
41:14I'm sensible.
41:15Sensible's my middle name.
41:16Dale, will you bring me a nappy?
41:18Yes, of course I will, sweetheart.
41:20See?
41:21See that?
41:25Look, Rodney, look, look.
41:27I mean, look, all that I want to do is just sit on a beach and relax.
41:34Well, same here.
41:35Well, there you are.
41:37They've got some blinding beaches in Miami.
41:39Yeah.
41:41Yeah.
41:42And they've got some fantastic art museums in Miami.
41:46Yeah?
41:47Oh, yeah, yeah.
41:48I wouldn't mind someone out myself.
41:50Well, of course you wouldn't.
41:51Of course you can have it.
41:52Cinders.
41:53All you've got to do is to say the magic words.
41:56Yeah, but how are you going to swing it with Raquel?
41:58Oh, that's...
41:59I've already done it.
42:00I've told...
42:01I've...
42:04I told her straight.
42:07I said, I want to go to Miami with Rodney on holiday.
42:11That's what I said.
42:11And I said, you can like it or lump it.
42:13You can pick the bones out of that, darling.
42:15Derek!
42:17Come in, sweetheart.
42:19Come on.
42:20Hey?
42:21You and me, hey?
42:21We say, yeah, yeah.
42:22Hey?
42:25Well...
42:25Hey.
42:25Yeah, come on.
42:26Say the magic words, Rodney.
42:28Hmm?
42:30Yeah, all right, then.
42:31Yeah!
42:33Good boy.
42:34That's it, you see?
42:35You know it makes sense.
42:37Hey.
42:38Oh, no, what's that, Matty?
42:40Well, you see, though, we're older now, aren't we?
42:42Eh?
42:43We can appreciate the finer things in life, eh?
42:45What?
42:46Not half!
42:47Do you want me?
42:48Yeah, yeah.
42:48Give me that.
42:50Thanks.
42:51No, this time, let's be more...
42:52Well, what's the word?
42:55Sophisticated.
42:55Yes, that's a great word.
42:56I've got another word as well I was thinking of, like...
42:58Bebber Mare.
42:59Yes.
43:00Yes, good words.
43:01You see what I mean?
43:02We're beginning to think alike, bruv.
43:03Derek!
43:04Come here, sweetheart.
43:05I'm coming.
43:05I'm away.
43:06Oh, yes.
43:08Just a minute, look at it.
43:11Good job.
43:11I'd kept it, wouldn't it?
43:28Have you seen it, brothers?
43:30Seen what?
43:30You know, our plane.
43:34It's only a jumbo jet.
43:36Yeah, well, they usually are.
43:38I mean, this is transatlantic.
43:40Yeah, transatlantic.
43:42Thank you for waiting, ladies and gentlemen.
43:44With all passengers, seated in rows 19 through to 14.
43:47Please come forward to the board now.
43:49What is that?
43:50What is that?
43:51What are we, sir?
43:52What are we, sir?
43:52It's not that you come on tour on the plane.
43:54Sooner old big horse can take off.
44:02Hey, excuse me.
44:04What's your game, pal?
44:05Hey?
44:06Come on, there's no rush.
44:08Anybody think he owned the plane?
44:09Justine.
44:16Hey.
44:16Hey, come on.
44:17A-ha-ha-ha-hey.
44:20Everybody free in America.
44:23Give us a tea in America.
44:25Have a nice day.
44:27I think no, I'm not error.
44:28Oh my goodness!