- 12 hours ago
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00:00:01So do I.
00:00:02Your suitcase is giving me back at you.
00:00:03And your moanings are giving me our take.
00:00:06I fought with this country.
00:00:08Did ya? How'd you get on?
00:00:11What are we waiting for?
00:00:14I'll tell you what we are waiting for.
00:00:17Security people, they change shifts, don't they, at 12 o'clock.
00:00:20And the new lot always start on the bottom floor,
00:00:23which gives us a chance to flog up here on the top floor, doesn't it?
00:00:25Right? Come on, pick it up.
00:00:27Chop, chop, off you go.
00:00:28What you got in this suitcase then? Hook it here. Hook it.
00:00:32How dare you? I don't deal in stuff like that.
00:00:35Well, not since I met Raquel.
00:00:38I wouldn't get her involved in anything like that.
00:00:41So what you worried about?
00:00:43I'll tell you what I am worried about.
00:00:45I'm an unlicensed trader, aren't I, eh?
00:00:48Many, many moons ago, a local magistrate and I had a sort of misunderstanding.
00:00:54And he took the law in his own hands
00:00:56and banned every council in London from issuing me with a trader's licence.
00:00:59So now I've got to flog where and when I can.
00:01:02Well, could I go and get something to eat?
00:01:04No, you cannot.
00:01:05You're going to be my lookout.
00:01:07Anyway, Raquel's going to make us something to eat later when we get home.
00:01:09But I'm hungry now.
00:01:12Oh, God. Benny.
00:01:14All right.
00:01:15Here you go.
00:01:16Go and get us a couple of hamburgers, will you?
00:01:18What? No, thank you.
00:01:20I'm taking no chances.
00:01:22Say I caught mad cow disease.
00:01:24Don't worry about that.
00:01:25Who the hell is going to notice?
00:01:27Who the hell is going to notice?
00:01:54Who the hell is going to notice?
00:01:57What?
00:02:05Yes.
00:02:12Are you going to the Hamburger bar in the Precinct during your lunch hour?
00:02:15No.
00:02:19Michelle, you're new here, I don't think you've fully got the gist of my question.
00:02:23You see, I am the head of the computer section, and you are the secretary to the head of the
00:02:29computer section.
00:02:30So when the head of the computer section asks the secretary to the head of the computer section whether she
00:02:35is going to the hamburger bar in the precinct,
00:02:37what the head of the computer section is saying is, go to the hamburger bar in the precinct during your
00:02:42lunch hour,
00:02:43because the head of the computer section is starving bloody hungry.
00:02:46You want me to go to the hamburger bar?
00:02:49Yes, if it's not too much trouble.
00:02:51I fancy the juiciest, greasiest hamburger they got on offer.
00:02:55Mr Coleman from Classic Curtains is coming in to see you in a little while.
00:02:58Yes, I know. That is why I cannot get out during the lunch hour and I need food bringing in.
00:03:03What I'm trying to say is, do you want to invite Mr Coleman, an important client,
00:03:08into an office that stinks to high heaven of fried onions and grease?
00:03:12Michelle, my office...
00:03:19Thanks very much, Michelle.
00:03:22Don't carry on with whatever you're doing.
00:03:25They look very nice.
00:03:27Mate Freddy Krueger, they're jealous.
00:03:35Raquel!
00:03:37How you doing?
00:03:39Hi, Rodney!
00:03:40Can't you have coffee?
00:03:42I've got to get this stuff home.
00:03:43Well, come here. I'll get one of the drivers to give you a lead.
00:03:45You sure?
00:03:46Yeah, of course. I'll get a kettle on.
00:03:52She's got bags of food.
00:03:54A mugger.
00:03:59You ready then?
00:04:00No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:04:04Selling is all about timing, isn't it?
00:04:07Haven't you seen one of them nature programmes, you know, on the BBC with that Richard Attenborough?
00:04:11You know the one where you see the lion, like, lying in the undergrowth,
00:04:14watching as a flock of antelope go by?
00:04:18Well, they, they are my antelope.
00:04:24I'd like the lion, I know when the time is right.
00:04:27I instinctively know the optimum moment in which to make my move.
00:04:32And then, and only then, will I strike.
00:04:37Yeah.
00:04:39Join the war.
00:04:40There we go, then.
00:04:43You better get into your lookout position.
00:04:46Over there, all right?
00:04:47So, what do you want me to do?
00:04:49What do you mean, what do I want you to do?
00:04:51You're a lookout, aren't you?
00:04:52So, you know, you look out, don't you?
00:04:54Oh, man, if I see the security blokes coming, what should I say?
00:04:58I don't particularly mind what you say.
00:05:01You can say,
00:05:02Tha she blows, ship ahoy, or man overboard, for all right, yeah.
00:05:06As long as I don't get my collar felt.
00:05:09Stone me.
00:05:10This hands-on management lark gives me the right ump sometimes.
00:05:14Come on, let's have that up here.
00:05:16That's it.
00:05:17Should do all right with this stuff.
00:05:19They'll be falling over themselves to get at this top-quality gear.
00:05:25Yeah, thanks a lot.
00:05:27Well, give us about ten minutes, because you're just finishing a coffee.
00:05:29All right?
00:05:30Cheers.
00:05:31Your van awaits.
00:05:32Oh, thanks.
00:05:34So, are you and Dale still coming around for dinner next week?
00:05:36So long as it's still all right with you and Cassandra.
00:05:37Yeah, been looking forward to it.
00:05:39Sorry it's taken so long to invite you.
00:05:41Well, he was going to pop round and say hello, you know,
00:05:43because Dale said she was back in town and living...
00:05:47Living, um...
00:05:47Staying at the flat with him.
00:05:49And Albert.
00:05:51So, when did you get back?
00:05:52A couple of weeks ago.
00:05:54I was over in America, having a great time, and I suddenly thought...
00:05:56Well, hold on.
00:05:57You was in America?
00:05:59Didn't Dale say?
00:06:00Why?
00:06:00Oh, it was wonderful.
00:06:02We were doing this tour of My Fair Lady down the East Coast.
00:06:05I was a flower seller.
00:06:06Cosmic.
00:06:08Right.
00:06:09Very cheap and cheerful, but I was seeing the world and getting paid.
00:06:12We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans.
00:06:16Then suddenly I got this sort of urge to come home.
00:06:20To Dale?
00:06:20Yes, to Dale.
00:06:22Well, I won't come home from New Orleans to see Dale.
00:06:25I won't come home from a new forest to see Dale.
00:06:28You don't see him the way I do.
00:06:30He's lovely.
00:06:31Well, there are many words I could use to describe Dale Trotter, but lovely is not one of them.
00:06:37So, how's the old soot-keeping?
00:06:38He's fine.
00:06:40He seems, I don't know, quieter than when I first met him.
00:06:44Dale.
00:06:46Raquel, some years ago, Dale went to a monastery and took a vow of loudness.
00:06:51Oh, that's not fair.
00:06:53No, he has changed.
00:06:55He's not so loud and brash as he used to be.
00:06:58Right, come on in, gather round, gather round, ladies.
00:07:01The crusader against inflation with another bargain of a lifetime.
00:07:05Now, this magnificent little doll here, that would probably cost you £35 up there in Oxford Street.
00:07:11Now, but you know my motto.
00:07:13My motto is West End Goods at South End Prices.
00:07:17Now, listen.
00:07:18If I offered you this little doll here for £10, you'd probably rip my arm off at the elbow to
00:07:24get at it, wouldn't you?
00:07:25But I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
00:07:27Because I'm in a festive mood, I'm going to let you have this doll at rock bottom, bargain price.
00:07:32Now, I'm not going to ask you for £10.
00:07:34I'm not going to ask you for £8.
00:07:35What I'm going to ask you for is £7.50.
00:07:38£7.50, here it goes.
00:07:39Come on, first come, first serve.
00:07:40I haven't got many.
00:07:41Come on.
00:07:41Come on, quick, quick, go.
00:07:42Don't come in a bargain.
00:07:44What is the matter with you people?
00:07:45What is the matter?
00:07:46Don't you see a bargain when you see one?
00:07:47This is not your foreign rubbish, you know.
00:07:49This is handmade in Great Britain.
00:07:52The British toy industry reckon this is the most lifelike doll they've ever seen in their life.
00:07:56And I'll prove it to you.
00:07:57Look at this.
00:07:58Look at this.
00:07:59Here it is, a genuine little baby bottle.
00:08:01You can feed her from the bottle.
00:08:03She wets herself.
00:08:05She laughs.
00:08:06She cries.
00:08:07And if you keep her until she's 13, she breaks out in acne and wants to go for prostitutes.
00:08:12Would I lie?
00:08:13Would I lie to you?
00:08:14I'll show you something else.
00:08:16Another little feature of this wonderful toy.
00:08:18She will even sing a little lullaby to put herself to sleep.
00:08:22Just listen to this.
00:08:31She's having a lot of trouble with the exhaust pipe on the van.
00:08:34It's got a hole in it.
00:08:35Oh, no, that's a shame.
00:08:36Because it exhausts the only decent thing on it.
00:08:43So, how are things with you and Cassandra?
00:08:47What do you mean?
00:08:48I mean, are you both well?
00:08:50Yeah.
00:08:50Yeah, great.
00:08:52Cassandra's still studying hard for a promotion?
00:08:55Yes.
00:08:56Yes, she's still a very ambitious lady.
00:08:59So, married life suits you?
00:09:02Yeah.
00:09:06Go on then, what's Del been saying?
00:09:08He hasn't said anything, honest.
00:09:11All right, you mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows.
00:09:15Once when you upset Cassandra's boss and his wife.
00:09:18Oh, that was nothing.
00:09:19It was a misunderstanding.
00:09:21Three minutes after it happened, we was all laughing about it.
00:09:24Del said she'd chuck you out.
00:09:25Only for a couple of days.
00:09:29Then another time, Cassandra went back to her parents.
00:09:32Yeah, but it was nothing either.
00:09:34Really.
00:09:35We're happy.
00:09:36That's what I wanted to say to you.
00:09:38I know it's none of my business, Rodney.
00:09:40It's just...
00:09:41I have had a marriage break up.
00:09:44I know how these things can start.
00:09:47A lot of people think a marriage comes complete with gift wrapping.
00:09:50But it doesn't.
00:09:52It comes in kit form.
00:09:54You've got to work at it.
00:09:56Oh, excuse me, Rodney.
00:09:58I've just noticed we're doing more of this cheap printing for Del.
00:10:01We're not running a charity organisation.
00:10:04Excuse me.
00:10:05Oh, no, Alan, let me introduce you.
00:10:07Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father-in-law.
00:10:09Oh, hello.
00:10:10Because he's Cassie's dad.
00:10:12Yeah, I figured that one out, Rodney.
00:10:13Yeah, yeah.
00:10:15And Alan, this is Raquel.
00:10:17Her and Del are li...
00:10:18Her and Del...
00:10:20are friends.
00:10:21Yeah, Del's told me all about you.
00:10:22You're an actress, aren't you?
00:10:24Well, some people say that.
00:10:26Others tell the truth.
00:10:26Oh, come on now.
00:10:27Del speaks very highly of your talents.
00:10:29We'll have to go out for Del one evening.
00:10:30All of us.
00:10:31I look forward to it.
00:10:32Yeah.
00:10:33Look, I've got a dash because I'm meeting someone for lunch.
00:10:35We're going to try that new Chinese place down by the arches.
00:10:37They say the food is out of this world.
00:10:40Good.
00:10:41Just try and keep a closer eye on things, Rodney.
00:10:44This cheap printing is very good for some people.
00:10:45Unfortunately, it's not for us.
00:10:48See you again, Raquel.
00:10:49Yes, bye.
00:10:50Bye.
00:10:50Bye.
00:10:51Bye.
00:10:53I bet we're going too.
00:10:59Why don't you pop in on your way home from work this evening?
00:11:01Del hasn't seen you for ages.
00:11:06I'm doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, all the trimmings.
00:11:12There'll be plenty there if you're peckish.
00:11:15No, I'd better take a rain check on it.
00:11:17Because I've got my route and timing figured out to avoid the traffic on the one-way system.
00:11:21So, some other time, eh?
00:11:23Well, the driver's waiting for you out there.
00:11:25Okay.
00:11:27You're mine up to Cassie?
00:11:29Yeah.
00:11:29Bye.
00:11:33Roast chicken and all the trimmings.
00:11:57Is Mr. Coleman from the police?
00:12:11Hi.
00:12:13Hi.
00:12:16You're late this evening.
00:12:17Yeah.
00:12:17Yeah, I've got stuck in a traffic jam on a one-way system.
00:12:21Of course, I know it smells good.
00:12:22I'm starving.
00:12:24I just did myself one of those ready-made meals in the microwave.
00:12:27Oh.
00:12:29Well, I'm starving.
00:12:35There's plenty in the freezer.
00:12:37Good.
00:12:39What a very clean oven we've got.
00:12:42What are you?
00:12:43I was just remarking how amazingly clean one can keep these new modern ovens.
00:12:47Especially when one never bloody cooks in them.
00:12:53What, are you going out?
00:12:54Yeah.
00:12:55Oh.
00:12:56Well, that'll make a nice change, won't it?
00:12:58What is it tonight?
00:12:59The bank's final exams?
00:13:01The bank's annual cheese and wine orgy?
00:13:04The bank's annual yoga and target practice course?
00:13:07I'm playing badminton.
00:13:09Oh, I see.
00:13:10Where?
00:13:11The bank's sports club.
00:13:14Well, you go and enjoy yourself, Cass.
00:13:16I've got a busy evening planned as well.
00:13:18I'm going to sit in and read the bank's pamphlet on our joint pension policy.
00:13:22God, here we go again.
00:13:23All right, what's wrong this time?
00:13:25What, with me?
00:13:26What could possibly be wrong with me?
00:13:27If you don't stop being so childish, I swear one of these days I'll smother you with your comfort blanket.
00:13:32Me?
00:13:33Childish?
00:13:34You're the one who's got a bit of growing up to do, Cassandra.
00:13:38When are you going to realise you've got a marriage?
00:13:40You've got a home?
00:13:41You've got me?
00:13:42I'll never forget that, Roddy.
00:13:43I'll never see you.
00:13:45You just use this flat like a base camp.
00:13:47You're zooming in and out of here like a blue bottle with the runs.
00:13:51I've had double glazing salesmen spend more time in here than you.
00:13:54Well, whatever turns you on.
00:13:57You know, I mean, how am I supposed to...
00:13:58What's that supposed to mean?
00:13:59Look, Roddy, I like to keep myself busy.
00:14:02Yeah, but you're always out.
00:14:03Not on your own.
00:14:04Because you never want to go anywhere with me.
00:14:07I've asked you before to come to badminton, but you always refuse.
00:14:10Well, that's because I don't relish the idea of spending the entire evening whacking a dead budgie over a neck.
00:14:16Besides which, all our social occasions are in some way or another tied to the bank.
00:14:21You resent me pursuing a career, don't you?
00:14:23No.
00:14:24I admire anyone who wants to advance themselves.
00:14:27But your idea of advancement comes straight out of Rommel's A Thousand and One Things Every Good Panzer General Should
00:14:32Know.
00:14:33It's relentless cash, you know, it's blitzkrieg.
00:14:36Roddy, I'm not trying to advance my career.
00:14:38I'm still trying to make up for lost ground.
00:14:40You of all people should understand that.
00:14:43I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra.
00:14:47And what is it exactly I'm supposed to have done?
00:14:50It's just little things.
00:14:51Like that day my boss Stephen and his wife came round and you punched him in the face.
00:14:55No, we're still on about that, are we?
00:14:58You broke his nose.
00:15:00Broke it.
00:15:00I never broke it.
00:15:03Tiny hairline fracture, that was it.
00:15:06Anyway, it was a long time ago and I have apologised a thousand times for it.
00:15:10I know you have.
00:15:11And I'm perfectly willing to be understanding as long as you are.
00:15:15Look, Cass, how can I put this?
00:15:16It sounds like a ridiculous thing for a husband to have to say to his wife, but I would like
00:15:20to see more of you.
00:15:21The only time we're really together is when we're lying in bed.
00:15:24With our backs to each other.
00:15:26Yeah, but that's only because you turned your back on me.
00:15:28Well, you started it.
00:15:29I did not.
00:15:30And why is it whenever we have a dinner party we have to invite your family and your friends?
00:15:35We invite your friends as well.
00:15:37You've made me one occasion, just one, where I've had my mates round there.
00:15:40Last month Mickey, Pearce and Jevon and their girlfriends came round for the evening.
00:15:43I've apologised for that.
00:15:46And next week you've invited your brother and Raquel round for dinner?
00:15:48I've apologised for that as well.
00:15:51Look, Cass, we always said if we had a problem with our marriage,
00:15:54we would sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.
00:15:57Fine.
00:15:58Let's sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.
00:16:03Well, you can start.
00:16:05No, you carry on.
00:16:06No, please.
00:16:06I'd like to hear what you have to say.
00:16:08You started it, Roddy, so you go.
00:16:09I didn't start anything.
00:16:11Well, you're the one that came home in a mood.
00:16:13I only had a mood when I'd come home and realised there was nothing for me to eat again.
00:16:17Oh, I see.
00:16:18That's what this is really all about.
00:16:20I'm supposed to be the little wife who has the dinner on the table,
00:16:23waiting for Roddy to come back from the time warp.
00:16:24This is not 1933, and the sooner you realise that,
00:16:28the sooner you'll stop being so bloody childish.
00:16:30Cass, if you could avert your gaze from the exotica of the banking world for one moment,
00:16:35you would realise, as so many women in Peckham realise,
00:16:38there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter.
00:16:40And they would appreciate having a young, vibrant, successful bloke like me about.
00:16:45And they would most probably do me a pie and chips when I felt like it.
00:16:49Well, why don't you go and find one of these women?
00:16:54All right, I will.
00:16:56Well, go on, then.
00:16:58I will.
00:17:00Then take a bottle of ketchup for your pie and chips.
00:17:03I will.
00:17:37What a meal.
00:17:38What a meal.
00:17:39Je suis je reste.
00:17:42As I say, Montpellier.
00:17:44Does that mean good?
00:17:45Good.
00:17:46Oh, that is absolutely superb.
00:17:48You know, I haven't had a meal like that since my dear old mum was alive.
00:17:53Oh, what was it again?
00:17:55Chicken.
00:17:57I know it was chicken, but I mean, what was the dish called?
00:18:00Oh, it's called Petit du Polo Truffalati.
00:18:03Ah, well, there you go, you see.
00:18:04You can say what you like about the French,
00:18:06but they're magic when it comes to a saucepan and a bit of salt, aren't they?
00:18:09It's Italian.
00:18:12Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I know it's Italian.
00:18:14Yeah, I mean, I was just saying, the French are good cooks and all, aren't they?
00:18:20Oh.
00:18:21Oh.
00:18:22Oh.
00:18:23Oh.
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:26Oh.
00:18:26Oh.
00:18:29Oh.
00:18:36Right, here we go.
00:18:38Oh, get some of this down your neck.
00:18:42Right.
00:18:42Mm.
00:18:42To the future.
00:18:44Mm.
00:18:50Um, Raquel.
00:18:53Hmm?
00:18:54Um, you've been here for, you know, a week or two now, and, uh, well, you know how I feel
00:19:01about you, don't you?
00:19:03Do I?
00:19:04You've never said.
00:19:05No, well, I mean, I thought it was obvious.
00:19:08I mean, I really do like you.
00:19:14Um, look, you don't have to answer this now if you don't want to.
00:19:19But, uh, I was wondering if you would, um, well, if you would...
00:19:32I've kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert.
00:19:33Is everything all right now?
00:19:34Oh, cut the singed bits off.
00:19:37You should never light a candle when you've got a man with a beard in the house.
00:19:42Well, it's your own fault.
00:19:43You shouldn't have leant across the table and reached for the bread.
00:19:45Have a good mind to report your beard to the council.
00:19:47If I hadn't been a bit lively with my lead-traum milk, we could have had a towering burner on
00:19:51the rates.
00:19:53I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen and wait on that fire hazard.
00:19:56Good.
00:19:56Mind how you go when you take the bait out of the oven because the gas is still on.
00:20:02You were saying?
00:20:03I'm sorry?
00:20:04Oh, yes.
00:20:06Um.
00:20:10Yeah, I was saying, um...
00:20:15See, you are a woman.
00:20:22And I'm a man.
00:20:26And, uh...
00:20:27You know, no man is an island.
00:20:35Do you understand what I'm getting at?
00:20:38No.
00:20:42Look, I just don't want to rush things, you know.
00:20:44But I mean...
00:20:46Would you?
00:20:47I mean, no.
00:20:48No, what I mean...
00:20:50Would you?
00:20:52Can sit if I...
00:20:52That's it!
00:20:53All on the capitals!
00:20:55That was our last chance!
00:20:57Good evening, Rodney.
00:20:58I have never been so insulted in my life.
00:21:00Well, sit down, bruv.
00:21:01Let me have a try.
00:21:05What's that, men?
00:21:06Rodney's left Cassandra.
00:21:07What, again?
00:21:08That's the third time in 18 months you two have broken up for good.
00:21:11Yeah, well, this time it is for good.
00:21:14Does that mean our invitation for dinner is off, then?
00:21:17Well, of course it does.
00:21:18What's all this about?
00:21:20You will not believe this.
00:21:21She accused me of being childish.
00:21:25No.
00:21:25Yeah.
00:21:26It's true.
00:21:27Can you...
00:21:29Wait, wait, wait.
00:21:30That's my top you're throwing about there.
00:21:32Well, tonight was the last straw.
00:21:33Really?
00:21:34What did she do tonight?
00:21:35Tread on your scale-electrics?
00:21:37Derek, my marriage has broken up.
00:21:39There's no time for sarcasm.
00:21:40All right, Rodney, all right.
00:21:42Just calm down, will you?
00:21:43Finish your drink,
00:21:44and I will drive you home,
00:21:45and we'll see if we can sort it out, all right?
00:21:47Bill, you don't understand.
00:21:48I'm not going back.
00:21:50Me and Cassie are finished for good.
00:21:51Oh, uh-oh.
00:21:54Albert, Brandy.
00:21:55Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later.
00:21:58There'll be things to be discussed.
00:21:59Yes, like who gets custody of Bobby and Ken?
00:22:06This is all one big bloody joke to you, isn't it?
00:22:09No, it's not, Rodney.
00:22:10It's just that you and Cassandra
00:22:11are behaving like a couple of ten-year-olds,
00:22:13don't you, eh?
00:22:13I mean, you've broken up and gone back together
00:22:15more times than J.R. and Sue Ellen.
00:22:17Yeah, well, this time it is for good.
00:22:19I am staying here.
00:22:26All right, Albert,
00:22:28you'd better go and get some blankets and some pillows
00:22:29and make up a bed for Rodney on the city.
00:22:32The city?
00:22:33Yeah.
00:22:33I'll kip in the old room.
00:22:36Oh, Rodney, you can't kip in your old room
00:22:37because, you know, Raquel sleeps in there, all right?
00:22:40Sorry.
00:22:42Why's Raquel in my room?
00:22:44I thought you two...
00:22:48Excuse me a minute.
00:22:50Will you speak hot?
00:22:51Rodney, excuse me.
00:22:52May I have a word with you in the boardroom?
00:23:00I thought you were in Raquel.
00:23:00No.
00:23:02What, you mean you're not...
00:23:03No.
00:23:06This is when you're over a phone, not.
00:23:07No.
00:23:09That must be a record.
00:23:12Rodney, you came storming in
00:23:14just at the moment
00:23:15when I was asking Raquel
00:23:16if she would be kind enough
00:23:17to consider stamping my card.
00:23:22Well, you'll just have to say to her, won't you?
00:23:23Say, I'm back now.
00:23:24So, like it or lump it,
00:23:25she's got a kip with you.
00:23:26No.
00:23:27No, you're not coming.
00:23:28Look, you don't understand, do you?
00:23:28You don't understand at all
00:23:29because, you see, Raquel...
00:23:30Raquel is a lady.
00:23:32You see, and when a lady is ready to...
00:23:34to...
00:23:34to...
00:23:36Well, when she's ready to,
00:23:38she will let me know.
00:23:40Ah.
00:23:41Huh?
00:23:43Well, you know,
00:23:45she'd give me a sign or something.
00:23:47Like what?
00:23:54Well, I don't know.
00:23:57Actually put an announcement
00:23:58in a Sunday sport, ain't I?
00:23:59Yeah.
00:24:02All I know is that
00:24:04until that happens,
00:24:05you will be kipping on the settee
00:24:07and think yourself lucky.
00:24:09Suits me.
00:24:10Anything's better than sleeping
00:24:11next to a cold pair of shoulders.
00:24:16You gonna let him stay?
00:24:17I don't know, sweetheart.
00:24:18I just don't know.
00:24:18I just do not know
00:24:19what to do for the best.
00:24:20Let the boy stay for a few days, Del.
00:24:23God, that's better.
00:24:24I was starving.
00:24:31Send him back to his wife.
00:24:34I fought a war for you.
00:24:40I fought a war for you.
00:25:00For that dipstick woman.
00:25:08I don't think he's playing at it, eh?
00:25:11He's had a little too much to drink, that's all.
00:25:15Ever since he walked out on Cassandra, I spent every night on the pit.
00:25:20The booze.
00:25:29You're worried about him, aren't you?
00:25:31Yeah, of course I am.
00:25:35I'm worried about him.
00:25:37Spent most of my life bringing him up.
00:25:40Michael Jackson's got bubbles, I got Rodney.
00:25:48Can we have, er...
00:25:50Excuse me.
00:25:51Oi!
00:25:52Can we have the same again, only this time make them large ones?
00:25:55Yes!
00:25:56It's your round, Rodney.
00:26:00Well, yeah, I suppose it is.
00:26:02Well, I spy, with my little eye, two ladies of the more mature variety.
00:26:12Lonely housewives out on the pool.
00:26:14Yeah, well, just leave me out of this room.
00:26:16Well, yeah, we intended to, Rodney!
00:26:25I know you from somewhere, don't I?
00:26:27I wouldn't have thought so.
00:26:28He never forgets a face.
00:26:30Neither do I.
00:26:31And I'd certainly remember you, too.
00:26:34Did you go to the Dockside Junior School?
00:26:37No, I didn't.
00:26:38Told ya!
00:26:40He thought you was our old dead mistress.
00:26:59You've lost a couple of days of work through hangovers this week already, look.
00:27:03What do you mean you're sleeping on the set here?
00:27:05Well, that's true.
00:27:07Del's in his room, right, and Raquel's in my old room.
00:27:09I thought Del Boy and her were living together.
00:27:12Well, yeah, they are.
00:27:13Sort of, but they ain't cohabiting.
00:27:16Well, I mean, I ain't cohabiting a bit.
00:27:18Well, Del said, right, as soon as he's cracked the case, I can have my old room back.
00:27:23Rodney, let me give you some advice.
00:27:25Listen, I'm a lady's hair stylist and know intimately the working of the female mind.
00:27:30Yeah, because he's a woof-dah.
00:27:32Are you serious, Mickey?
00:27:34I hate it when you do it to me mother impersonation.
00:27:37Right.
00:27:37Rodney, why didn't you go home to Cassandra, eh?
00:27:40You had a nice flat, a good girl, and you've given it all up because of some stupid rat.
00:27:45Look, if she wants to phone me and apologise, then I might consider it.
00:27:49But she started it, so she got to phone me first, right?
00:27:52What you've got to do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous.
00:27:56Yeah.
00:27:58Why?
00:28:00Make her think other women find her desirable.
00:28:03Yeah.
00:28:05Don't encourage Ronnie to tell her lies.
00:28:08No, that's what I don't like.
00:28:10True lies.
00:28:12Listen to me, Rodney.
00:28:13I always make a point of making women jealous.
00:28:16Oh, God.
00:28:18Any time you ever made women jealous, it was the night you won the last house at Bingo.
00:28:23Now, it's you, Derek.
00:28:25Tell me, er, how's you and Raquel getting on these days?
00:28:29Terrific.
00:28:30Thank you very much, Mickey.
00:28:31What the bleanel has got to do with you, I don't know.
00:28:34I'm just concerned.
00:28:35Yeah.
00:28:37Here.
00:28:37You gonna buy us a drink, Del?
00:28:38Yeah, yeah, all right.
00:28:40There you go.
00:28:40Give the lads a drink and all, will you?
00:28:42Oh, nice.
00:28:42Yes.
00:28:43Yeah.
00:28:44Three Coca-Colas.
00:28:48Well, Nick.
00:28:49What the world were you?
00:28:54Here you go, sweetheart.
00:28:55Thanks.
00:28:57All right?
00:28:58All right, Ronnie, go on and sit yourself down.
00:29:01I'll just, erm...
00:29:03I'll have it on.
00:29:08All right, you get it? It's all on the van sorted out.
00:29:11I booked it in for tomorrow.
00:29:13You can take it down there for me.
00:29:14Me?
00:29:15Yeah.
00:29:17Look, you won't be going to work tomorrow, will you?
00:29:18Not after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.
00:29:22So when your hangover's cleared up, you can take it down there for me.
00:29:25Look, I will be going to work tomorrow.
00:29:28You can bet your last penny on that, all right?
00:29:32But, Rodney...
00:29:33Look, Rodders...
00:29:35You've been out every night this week on the booze.
00:29:37I've just seen their mates, that's all.
00:29:39Yeah, but why are they always the same mates?
00:29:41Eh?
00:29:42Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi.
00:29:46You walked out on Cassandra eight days ago.
00:29:50You made your point, bruv.
00:29:52Oh, that time you went back home, yeah?
00:29:54Look, Del, you've never even been married.
00:29:55You don't know what it's like.
00:29:56No, well...
00:29:58Mucked about enough and I'd have a fair idea.
00:30:02Look, Roddy...
00:30:04People, don't fall to me, will you?
00:30:06Well, look, take a sound to her, all right?
00:30:09Life's all drive and ambition.
00:30:11I think she wants to rule the world.
00:30:13Well, no, she don't.
00:30:14She just wants promotion at the bank, that's all.
00:30:17Yeah, exactly.
00:30:18And it's that blinkeredness that's driving away all her beautiful fours.
00:30:23She can't see them.
00:30:25What?
00:30:26Like you, wouldn't they?
00:30:28Yeah.
00:30:29Yeah.
00:30:30Well, look, I'll tell you, all right?
00:30:31The other day, it was her birthday, all right?
00:30:33So I bought her a pair of earrings and a shoggle farkeel.
00:30:37True.
00:30:39Shoggle farkeel.
00:30:42Furgle sharky.
00:30:43The same.
00:30:44And a pair of earrings, right?
00:30:46Now, they was nice earrings.
00:30:48You know, but they was little.
00:30:50They were very little earrings.
00:30:52What?
00:30:53They were nice.
00:30:54But they were very little.
00:30:55Yeah.
00:30:56And she has a look at them and she says,
00:30:59Oh, thanks, Rodney.
00:31:00Aren't they little?
00:31:03Oh, no.
00:31:05She chose on sale.
00:31:07Oh, she stood out.
00:31:09Because I suppose, Mummy and Daddy, right,
00:31:11they buy her all the big presents, right?
00:31:14So sometimes I was shocked I'd meet another girl.
00:31:17In your present condition,
00:31:18you ought to think about joining the Lonely Kidneys Club.
00:31:30Yeah, I think, all in all, you know, this married life's been a bit of a letdown for young Cassandra.
00:31:39Yeah, I don't care.
00:32:05Look, I'm going to have words with your wife, and I'm going to tell her that size,
00:32:10isn't important,
00:32:11isn't important.
00:32:12It's the point of things.
00:32:13I'm going to have words.
00:32:16What do you mean size isn't important?
00:32:19What about them earrings?
00:32:21They said the earrings.
00:32:22They're my...
00:32:23God, it makes me so angry.
00:32:27I'm going to find the little bloke.
00:32:28I'm going to have a fight.
00:32:33And another thing.
00:32:34She never cooks for me.
00:32:35She always took visor.
00:32:37That's my mother to see.
00:32:39Oh, I mean, you know you can cook, can't you?
00:32:41Yeah.
00:32:42Come on.
00:32:43I want you to do it, don't you?
00:32:44Oh, I see.
00:32:46I mean, what you wanted really was Cassandra to make a fuss of you.
00:32:51Yes.
00:32:52Well, sit yourself down here.
00:32:56Look, she ain't your mum, lovely.
00:32:58What do you mean?
00:33:01You never knew the joy of having a mum, did you?
00:33:04And you were barely on solids when the angels came down and took her away.
00:33:10I do remember, sort of.
00:33:12But this, this mystery, you know, this blonde lady and she was there and then she wasn't.
00:33:23Bit like the SDP, really.
00:33:28You want a right-hander for a nightcap? Show some respect, Rodney.
00:33:33Look, I'm sorry, right? I didn't mean to bring mum in.
00:33:36Look, I'm really sorry.
00:33:38Oh, what a life, eh?
00:33:40Me wife don't love me.
00:33:42Me mum's left me and some bastards nicked me bike.
00:33:46I told you not to leave it out on the land, didn't I?
00:33:49Yes, I'm not.
00:33:52Oh, well, come on. Come on.
00:33:54Don't be a defeatist, eh? Come on.
00:33:56These things were sent to try us.
00:33:57Why don't you take a leaf out of my book? Eh?
00:33:59You know, happy-go-lucky. Never let life get me down.
00:34:04Come on, use me as your role model.
00:34:07Yeah, you must be joking.
00:34:09You're right, I don't need a role model.
00:34:11No.
00:34:12What?
00:34:13A model.
00:34:13No.
00:34:16Role model.
00:34:17Role model.
00:34:17Role model.
00:34:18Well, I don't need one of them.
00:34:20Cos I am happy as I am.
00:34:22Oh.
00:34:24See you later.
00:34:26Yeah, all right.
00:34:29Any luck?
00:34:30No, no.
00:34:31I'll try, I'll try.
00:34:34You're a very nice person, Derek Tritter.
00:34:36Yeah, I know.
00:34:37It's one of my failures for a lesbian.
00:34:45I think Rodney's a very confused young man.
00:34:48Confused, maybe a bit frightened.
00:34:50Frightened? What are you talking about?
00:34:51Frightened?
00:34:52Frightened?
00:34:52Well, I know.
00:34:53And even blokes get frightened.
00:34:55Everyone's frightened of something.
00:34:56What?
00:34:57Well, what are you frightened of then?
00:34:59Shut up and make me feel silly.
00:35:01No.
00:35:02No, seriously.
00:35:02Come on, what are you frightened of?
00:35:04No, go on, tell me.
00:35:05I promise you won't laugh.
00:35:07The dark.
00:35:13You know it.
00:35:14Look, even if that, you're frightened of the dark?
00:35:17Yeah.
00:35:18Sometimes I lie in bed and the dark seems...
00:35:21the virus seems to be...
00:35:23touching them.
00:35:26Stupid, eh?
00:35:28Yeah.
00:35:34You know, if you like, tonight, and you're lying in bed in the dark, I could hold your hand.
00:35:52Okay.
00:35:57Right then, Tina.
00:36:02My reputation in this area isn't as good as I'd like it to be, so please don't tell me about
00:36:05this.
00:36:06Like us.
00:36:07No, of course I won't.
00:36:08What sort of bloke do you think I am?
00:36:10Not, Raquel.
00:36:11This is between you and me.
00:36:12I mean, this...
00:36:12This is between us, ain't it, eh?
00:36:21Hey, Del!
00:36:23You going?
00:36:24Yeah.
00:36:24Alright, see you later, alright?
00:36:26Yeah, alright.
00:36:26Oh.
00:36:27Rodney, you can sleep in your own room tonight.
00:36:29Oh, nice!
00:36:30Yeah!
00:36:33Touchdown!
00:36:34Touchdown!
00:36:35Hi there!
00:36:35Woo!
00:36:36Woo!
00:36:37Woo!
00:36:39Woo!
00:36:41Woo!
00:37:00What's that horrible record?
00:37:02I'm listening to the radio.
00:37:04I can't sleep with all that noise going on.
00:37:10It's an amazing statement coming from a man who slept through two world wars.
00:37:15I didn't do any sleeping during the war, Rodney.
00:37:18I was out there on the big waves.
00:37:19Shell and fire, that was me.
00:37:22I can make a film about my life story.
00:37:24Yeah, three men in a dinghy.
00:37:28So how are you feeling now?
00:37:29Is your hangover cleared up?
00:37:31I didn't have hangover.
00:37:32So why didn't you go to work this morning?
00:37:34None of you.
00:37:35But God, you're a nosy getting.
00:37:36Didn't you?
00:37:37No wonder they kept throwing you out of the lifeboat.
00:37:39If that's the sort of rubbish you listen to, it's no wonder your wife chucked you out of
00:37:43your house.
00:37:44She did not chuck me out.
00:37:46I left to my own accord.
00:37:47She is praying for me to go back.
00:37:49Oh, spending a lot of time in church, is she?
00:37:51Maybe that's why she's never in when Raquel phones her.
00:37:54You're just trying to wind me up, aren't you?
00:37:57No, not son.
00:37:58Honest.
00:38:00Have you found your bike yet?
00:38:01Get off my clothes, Albert.
00:38:04I'm going to get dressed.
00:38:05Oh, wow, in the midnight hour, babe.
00:38:09Oh, no, no.
00:38:12We're in the...
00:38:22Do you see my slippers, Raphael?
00:38:25You're wearing them, Albert.
00:38:27What's wrong with Rodney?
00:38:28Slamming drawers, banging things around in there?
00:38:30I think he's still upset about him and Cassandra.
00:38:33I try to give him a few words of encouragement, but nothing seems to work.
00:38:36At least you try him.
00:38:37Yeah.
00:38:41Where is that idiot?
00:38:43He's beaten dressed.
00:38:44You all right, love?
00:38:45Yeah, I'm all right, sweetheart.
00:38:47I'm just suffering from a bit of the old executive burnout, you know?
00:38:52I could murder a drink.
00:38:54Go on, sit down.
00:38:54I'll do it.
00:38:55Oh, all right.
00:38:57Thank you, darling.
00:38:59I'll talk to you in private.
00:39:01Yeah, all right, girl.
00:39:03What about her?
00:39:04Don't worry about her.
00:39:04I'll think of some...
00:39:05Will her brandy do, Dad?
00:39:06Oh, yes, Christy.
00:39:07No, second thoughts.
00:39:08I'll tell you what.
00:39:09I'd like a nice mug of decaffeinated coffee made in the percolator.
00:39:12That takes ages.
00:39:13Yes, I know, but it's much healthier, isn't it?
00:39:14Yeah, all right, then.
00:39:15Do you want a coffee, Albert?
00:39:16I'll have that brandy.
00:39:17It's ain't wasting it.
00:39:22What do you want to talk about, then?
00:39:25Well, first, I'd like to find out how my bottle of Kavosia manages to pour itself.
00:39:30By that can't wait, we've got more important things to discuss.
00:39:32I've just had a word with a mechanic from the Peckham Exhaust Centre.
00:39:36Rodney took the van down there this morning.
00:39:37Now, apparently, there's a new receptionist working there by the name of Tanya.
00:39:42And Rodney the dipstick has only asked it out on a date.
00:39:45You're kidding.
00:39:46I wish I was, Unc.
00:39:47I wish I was.
00:39:49I'm disgusted with him.
00:39:51What's this Tanya girl look like?
00:39:53Well, I wouldn't say no.
00:39:56What I mean is that she's attractive enough and she's a nice enough girl.
00:39:58That's not the point, is it?
00:39:59If Rodney gets seen with this Tanya sort, then, well, it's going to break Cassandra's heart.
00:40:05And then Rodney's going to find himself with the sack.
00:40:07Yeah.
00:40:08And Alan won't do you any more of that cheap printing you've locked to all your mates.
00:40:11No.
00:40:12That has got absolutely nothing to do with it.
00:40:15Well, you said that was the only money we got coming into the flat.
00:40:18Yeah, my only concern is for Cassandra and Rodney's future happiness.
00:40:23Mind you, that printing did bring in a few bob.
00:40:25I must admit.
00:40:28I've got to think of a way in which I can put Rodney off this bird.
00:40:32So what are you telling me for?
00:40:34I don't know.
00:40:35I was hoping you might come up with an idea.
00:40:37Then again, I was hoping that Millwall would win the UEFA Cup.
00:40:43Wait a minute.
00:40:44Wait a minute.
00:40:45I've got it.
00:40:45I've got an idea.
00:40:46Now, listen to me.
00:40:48When Rodney tells us about this date with this bird, right, you and me have got to look absolutely horrified.
00:40:55See, as though it goes against the whole of the Trotter family's moral code.
00:40:59Well, you never call that.
00:41:00Yes, he will.
00:41:01He will.
00:41:01You don't know him like I do.
00:41:02He'll go for that hook line.
00:41:05That's it.
00:41:06That's it.
00:41:06It's him.
00:41:06He's coming.
00:41:07Now, don't forget.
00:41:07You've got to look horrified, right?
00:41:09As though you've seen a U-boat off the starboard bow.
00:41:17Not yet.
00:41:22Bill?
00:41:23What's the matter with him?
00:41:25Oh, no.
00:41:26I don't know.
00:41:26He's been at that brandy lot.
00:41:28Percolator's bubbling.
00:41:30Fancy coffee, Rodney?
00:41:31No, no.
00:41:31Thanks, Raquel.
00:41:32I'm going out.
00:41:33No.
00:41:34No.
00:41:39Here we go, Rodney.
00:41:40Anywhere nice?
00:41:41I don't have pictures.
00:41:42Oh, that's it, Rodney.
00:41:42That's it.
00:41:43Your marriage is going down to Swanee, and you bugger off to the flicks.
00:41:47Very good.
00:41:47Why don't you just butt out, then?
00:41:49All right.
00:41:49Just as you like, bruv.
00:41:51Just as you like.
00:41:54Going on your own?
00:41:56No.
00:41:57Going with someone.
00:42:02I'll whack you one in a minute.
00:42:03Believe me.
00:42:06Who are you taking?
00:42:08Cassandra?
00:42:09No, not Cassandra.
00:42:10It's a girl.
00:42:11A girl?
00:42:12Girl?
00:42:16A girl!
00:42:23Why do you all keep repeating it?
00:42:26You sound like Jive Bunny.
00:42:29I met a girl called Tanya, and I've asked her to pictures.
00:42:31What's wrong with that?
00:42:34I don't believe I'm hearing this.
00:42:36I just absolutely don't.
00:42:37Do you?
00:42:38Mind?
00:42:39Rodney.
00:42:41You are a happily married man.
00:42:42Was a happily married man, Dale.
00:42:44Then we left the registry office, and the magic seemed to fade.
00:42:47A happily married man would be taking his wife to the pictures.
00:42:52Well, why don't you?
00:42:54What?
00:42:55Take Cassandra.
00:42:57Go on, give her a bell.
00:42:57She might like to go.
00:42:59It wouldn't be room in the van for Tanya and Cassandra.
00:43:02No, I meant give Tanya a...
00:43:04Will you shut up?
00:43:06It wouldn't work, Dale.
00:43:08Even our taste in films differed.
00:43:10Cass used to like the heavy dramas and the foreign films, you know, the Grapes of Wrath
00:43:14and Fellini classics, all that sort of stuff.
00:43:16What are you going to see?
00:43:17Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
00:43:20It wasn't my choice.
00:43:22Tanya wants to see it.
00:43:25Tanya.
00:43:26Tanya.
00:43:28Oh, Tanya.
00:43:29Oh, yes.
00:43:30Isn't that the old Bow Wow down at the Exhaust Centre?
00:43:32Yeah, she said she...
00:43:33Do you mean Bow Wow?
00:43:34She's not a Bow Wow.
00:43:35Do me a favour, Rodney.
00:43:37She's like a Rottweiler with a wig.
00:43:40Dale, the Tanya I'm talking about is very pretty.
00:43:43You what?
00:43:45Have you clocked the ooter on it?
00:43:47Oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:43:48I'll tell you what.
00:43:49Me and Boycey had a bet once as to whether that was her real nose or she'd had silicone injections.
00:43:54And have you ever actually spoken to this person?
00:43:57Yes, I said good morning to her once.
00:43:59But she didn't reply.
00:44:00She was too busy gnawing her bone.
00:44:02I think what Rodney is trying to say, Derek, is that maybe, just maybe, this girl might have a nice
00:44:07personality.
00:44:08Has she?
00:44:09No, not really.
00:44:11What are you going out with her for?
00:44:13Well, Rodney's heard about her reputation, hasn't he?
00:44:15I don't care about...
00:44:16Has she got a reputation?
00:44:18She's lived with a few blokes.
00:44:19A dance team, I heard.
00:44:21That is just the kind of old-fashioned, chauvinistic attitude that keeps women second-class citizens in this country.
00:44:27Listen, Raquel, Raquel, listen, I'm doing this on purpose.
00:44:29Sometimes you can be such a sexist.
00:44:31No.
00:44:31You're not satisfied with tearing a poor girl to shreds because she doesn't look like Kim Basinger.
00:44:35Oh, no.
00:44:36You've got to do a character assassination because in the past, she's done exactly the same as you.
00:44:40Del's never lived with a dance team.
00:44:47No, listen, you don't understand, Raquel.
00:44:49You see, I'm doing it for a reason.
00:44:50I'll tell you later on.
00:44:51It's all very well for young men to sow their wild oats.
00:44:53The more, the merrier.
00:44:54Shows they're red-blooded.
00:44:55But if a girl does the same thing, she's a slut.
00:44:57No, that is where you're wrong, Raquel, you see, because nowadays, men can't sow their wild oats either.
00:45:03Because we've all seen the film for AIDS on the television.
00:45:06And that's my point, Rodney, you see.
00:45:09That is my point.
00:45:10Today, you see, well, women are very dodgy.
00:45:15Women are dodgy?
00:45:17No, no, not you, sweethearts.
00:45:18The others, aren't they?
00:45:20How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide epidemic at the feet of womankind?
00:45:24Raquel, if feet were the problem, Dr Scholl could find the cure.
00:45:28I've never heard such stupid, pig-ignorant views as yours.
00:45:32Well, you get him on politics, Raquel.
00:45:33It'll blow your mind.
00:45:35What did you say?
00:45:36Now, Derek, for your information, there is rather an ugly rumour going around.
00:45:40Oh, is there?
00:45:41Well, introduce it to Rodney.
00:45:42He'll take it to the pictures.
00:45:44The rumour is that man is the guilty party.
00:45:48Ah, no, see, that is sorry.
00:45:49Sorry, but that is where you are wrong, Raquel, you see.
00:45:52Because on that commercial on the telly, this bloke walks into the disco, doesn't he?
00:45:55He walks in and this bird comes up to him.
00:45:56Oh, down with the telly.
00:45:57Let's get one thing clear, Derek.
00:45:59Women played no part in the creation of this plague.
00:46:01AIDS is like nylon.
00:46:02Man-made.
00:46:09You've upset her now.
00:46:12I've upset...
00:46:13Right, that is it.
00:46:14I'm out of here.
00:46:15Now, wait up, Rodney.
00:46:16Come here a minute.
00:46:17Come on.
00:46:17Just a minute.
00:46:19Look, look.
00:46:20One little row and you think your marriage is breaking up.
00:46:23Well, it ain't, bruv.
00:46:24It ain't.
00:46:25You consume rekindle, the old flame of passion.
00:46:29All you've got to do is take her a bottle of champagne, nice bunch of flowers, you know.
00:46:32It's a bit corny, isn't it?
00:46:33Well, that's what I'd do.
00:46:35She goes to evening school tonight anyway, doesn't she?
00:46:38You never know, she might cancel it for you.
00:46:39God, you must be joking.
00:46:41Nothing gets in the way of her in her stupid, rotten career.
00:46:45Trying to rekindle the flame in my marriage is like giving a kiss of life to a resher of bacon.
00:46:51Oh, come on.
00:46:53Rodney, eh?
00:46:53Remember?
00:46:55He who dares wins.
00:46:58Listen to me.
00:46:58All you've got to do is you go round there and you apologise to her.
00:47:01You just say you're sorry.
00:47:02And then she will say she's sorry to you.
00:47:05Before you know where you are, you made it up.
00:47:07You're more in love than you ever were before.
00:47:10And you might get a little bit.
00:47:20Good God, it's like living with a Big Mac.
00:47:23Just for that.
00:47:24Oi, thank you very much.
00:47:25Just for that, you cannot take my van.
00:47:27Well, stuff your van.
00:47:28I will bust it.
00:47:29Good.
00:47:31That's the thanks I get, isn't it, eh?
00:47:41Raquel?
00:47:42Fancy going down in Ag's Head for a few drinks?
00:47:45With a creep like you?
00:47:46Yeah.
00:47:46No, thank you very much.
00:47:52Life, innit, eh?
00:47:53What a life.
00:47:55Wait, just a minute.
00:47:57You know that film he was talking about?
00:47:58What is it?
00:47:59Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
00:48:01What cinema is that on at?
00:48:03It's the ABC and the High Street.
00:48:05Exactly.
00:48:07And what's next door to that cinema?
00:48:10Cassandra's Evening School.
00:48:12And tonight is the night that she goes.
00:48:13But she might see Rodney and his tenure girl
00:48:16queuing outside.
00:48:17Exactly.
00:48:17That's the whole point of it, innit?
00:48:19That dippy Rodney,
00:48:20he's only trying to make Cassandra jealous,
00:48:22innit?
00:48:23He's taking the advice of that
00:48:24that Mickey Pierce.
00:48:26Mickey Pierce.
00:48:28He's had about as much success with women
00:48:29as you've had with boats.
00:48:32No.
00:48:32I've got to go round to Cassandra's
00:48:34and I've got to try and persuade her
00:48:35not to go to the evening store.
00:48:37Yeah, that's it.
00:48:38That's just, that's the answer to that.
00:48:39I'll see you later, hunk.
00:48:40See you later.
00:48:40All right?
00:48:43Del?
00:48:44Yeah?
00:48:44What is it, sweetheart?
00:48:46I'm sorry.
00:48:51Yes.
00:48:52Good.
00:48:52So am I.
00:48:52So am I, darling.
00:48:55Can we,
00:48:55can we, you know,
00:48:57talk?
00:48:57Yeah, yeah.
00:48:58Yeah, I will.
00:48:59I'll be, um,
00:49:00I'll be as quick as I can.
00:49:02Well, you don't have to be.
00:49:03Hmm?
00:49:05No, no, no, no.
00:49:05What I mean is that,
00:49:06I've just, you know,
00:49:07I've just got to pop out for a minute.
00:49:08I know, but I wanted to, you know,
00:49:09talk.
00:49:10Yeah, no, no.
00:49:11I mean, yeah, I don't know,
00:49:12but see, the thing,
00:49:13this is very, very important, you see.
00:49:15Oh, well,
00:49:16at least yourself.
00:49:16Eh?
00:49:17No, no.
00:49:17Look, back out,
00:49:18look, all I was going to...
00:49:19Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:49:22Oh.
00:49:23Oh, what a...
00:49:24Rodney's really upset her, hasn't he?
00:49:27Oh.
00:50:01Hello?
00:50:02Cassandra?
00:50:03Is it still a boy?
00:50:04All right, Dale.
00:50:05Pull the door.
00:50:17How are you?
00:50:19How are you?
00:50:20How are you?
00:50:22How are you?
00:50:22Hi, sweetheart.
00:50:23All right?
00:50:23Hi.
00:50:24I was just passing, thought I'd pop in to see how you were.
00:50:25I'm fine.
00:50:26Ah, good.
00:50:27How are you?
00:50:27Couldn't be better, couldn't be better.
00:50:30A bit choked to hear about you and Rodney, though.
00:50:32Yeah, well, it's just one of those things, eh?
00:50:34Yeah, it's just one of them things.
00:50:35Off to the evening classes again, eh?
00:50:37Yeah, it's my final exams in three weeks.
00:50:39Oh!
00:50:39What?
00:50:40How's Rodney?
00:50:42Oh, er, bearing up, you know.
00:50:45The police found his bike yet?
00:50:47No, not yet.
00:50:48He's toying with the idea of getting another one.
00:50:50Where is he tonight?
00:50:51Er, oh, you know, he just popped out earlier.
00:50:54Oh, well.
00:50:54I hope he has a good time.
00:50:56I mean, that's what he wants from life, isn't it?
00:50:58Cassandra, I know what he really wants, and deep down in your heart of hearts, I think
00:51:03you do and all.
00:51:04Yeah?
00:51:05Well, he's only got to swallow his stupid pride and ask.
00:51:07Yes, I know I have tried to talk to him, but I just can't get through to him, though.
00:51:12Well, it's like my dear old mum used to say, there's none so blind as them as what won't
00:51:17listen.
00:51:18Very true.
00:51:20Yeah.
00:51:20Listen, listen, listen.
00:51:22Can't you two make it up somehow?
00:51:25Oh, it's impossible, Del.
00:51:26Rodney won't budge an inch on any given subject.
00:51:28He just fights me all the way.
00:51:30He doesn't like going to the bank's social evenings.
00:51:32He gets bored with my friends, and he shows it.
00:51:35The other week I invited some colleagues round.
00:51:37I cooked a lovely meal.
00:51:38I really tried hard, Del.
00:51:39No, you're a smashing cook, Cassandra.
00:51:42I remember that Moules marinere that you made for us last year.
00:51:45I can still taste it now.
00:51:48Anyway, one hour after we'd finished eating, Rodney decided it was time they all went home.
00:51:53So he started giving them subtle little hints, like yawning and checking his watch every
00:51:57three minutes.
00:51:58Finally, he started whistling the national anthem.
00:52:01Well, Rodney never was, one was staying up late.
00:52:04This was Sunday lunch.
00:52:07Well, Rodney's idea of socialising is a night out at the pub with his mates.
00:52:11What idiot wants to spend their evenings down the nag's head?
00:52:15Yeah, what idiot?
00:52:17Rodney is so immature.
00:52:18It's never going to work between us until he learns to grow up.
00:52:21Are you sure it's only him?
00:52:22Well, I'm not behaving childishly, if that's what you're suggesting.
00:52:25Well, I know, but you haven't phoned him now, have you?
00:52:26I'm not phoning him first.
00:52:27He started it.
00:52:28It must have taken years of experience to come to that decision.
00:52:32Those are nice earrings, aren't they, Cassandra?
00:52:34They're lovely, aren't they?
00:52:36Rodney gave them to me for my birthday.
00:52:38They're very little, aren't they?
00:52:39Well, that's what I like about them.
00:52:41I don't want a pair of chandeliers hanging from my ears.
00:52:44These are perfect.
00:52:45Perfect.
00:52:47Rodney said...
00:52:48Rodney said what?
00:52:49No, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing at all.
00:52:51Just forget it.
00:52:52I don't believe these two.
00:52:54I get more sense out of a cross line with the crankies.
00:52:59Oh, listen, I'll tell you what.
00:53:01Cassandra, I'll tell you what.
00:53:02Look, don't go to evening classes tonight, eh?
00:53:05I'll tell you what.
00:53:05Why don't you come out for a meal with me and Raquel?
00:53:08Your dad's told us about this great Chinese place.
00:53:11They do a blind in one tom, by all accounts.
00:53:13Well, maybe some other time.
00:53:14I really must go tonight.
00:53:15All right, then.
00:53:16Okay, okay.
00:53:17I'll tell you what, then.
00:53:17I'll give you a lift.
00:53:18Let me give you a lift, and I'll drop you right outside the door.
00:53:20It's only 50 yards from the car park.
00:53:22Yes, I know, but you don't want to walk past that cinema queue, do you?
00:53:24Why not?
00:53:25Well, because you know how people have yobs and all that, won't they?
00:53:28Eh?
00:53:30Look, come here.
00:53:30Just a minute.
00:53:31Just before you...
00:53:32Just give me a minute.
00:53:33I want to ask you something.
00:53:34Sit down there, right?
00:53:35Um, listen, have you ever had, like, a nightmare that Rodney's been out with another girl?
00:53:42No.
00:53:43Well, I have.
00:53:44All right.
00:53:45Um, just for argument's sake, tell me, what would your reaction be if, like, you did?
00:53:52What, Rodney with another girl?
00:53:54Mm.
00:53:55That wouldn't bother me.
00:53:57Oh, good.
00:53:57Because, uh, Rodney's taken another bird to the pictures tonight.
00:54:00He's done what?
00:54:03No.
00:54:04Rodney wouldn't do that.
00:54:05Yes, yes, he would.
00:54:06Oh, yeah.
00:54:07Because he's done it to make you jealous, you see.
00:54:10What he was hoping for, he was hoping that you would see him and this Tanya bird standing in the
00:54:14cinema queue.
00:54:15And I said, Cassandra's far too intelligent for all that.
00:54:17Who the hell's Tanya?
00:54:20Tanya?
00:54:21Well, she's the girl from the...
00:54:22It was just a silly disagreement, that's all.
00:54:25I thought you said it wouldn't bother you.
00:54:26It doesn't.
00:54:28The bastard.
00:54:30I love him.
00:54:31Well, he loves you, too.
00:54:32Oh, it looks like it.
00:54:34We only had a roundabout badminton and he started an affair with another woman.
00:54:37No, he hasn't.
00:54:38He's only taken some tart out to see Honey and I Shrunk the Kids.
00:54:41I wanted to see that.
00:54:43Oh, God.
00:54:48Here you are.
00:54:55Well, you're taking this very well, Cassandra.
00:55:01Thanks for telling me, Del.
00:55:02Yeah, well, all right, all right.
00:55:03I couldn't very well...
00:55:05I couldn't very well see you walk into an ambush, could I?
00:55:08Rodney's only doing this, it's only a silly way of trying to get you back.
00:55:11Getting me back for what?
00:55:12No, no, no.
00:55:13Not getting you back for something.
00:55:14Getting you back with him.
00:55:15I haven't gone anywhere.
00:55:17I'm still here.
00:55:18I know.
00:55:19I know you have, sweetheart.
00:55:20I know you are.
00:55:21I know you are.
00:55:23I'll tell you what, look.
00:55:24Look, forget it.
00:55:25Don't go to evening classes tonight, eh?
00:55:27No.
00:55:28I'll go round to my friend Emma's house.
00:55:30Yeah, that's a good idea.
00:55:31So we keep this just between ourselves, eh?
00:55:33We won't tell the neighbours or your dad about it, will we?
00:55:37No.
00:55:39Good girl, you know it makes sense.
00:55:42What time will you be back?
00:55:44I don't know.
00:55:45Late.
00:55:46Why?
00:55:46Well, it's just that I'll get Raquel to give you a ring.
00:55:49You know, to cheer you up a bit.
00:55:50Yeah.
00:55:51Cos her marriage broke up and all that.
00:55:53No!
00:55:55What I mean is, no, she'll understand what you are going through.
00:55:59That's all I meant.
00:55:59Oh.
00:56:00Yeah.
00:56:02Are you all right, sweetheart?
00:56:03Yeah.
00:56:03OK.
00:56:04Listen, I've got to be away.
00:56:05Yeah.
00:56:06All right, I'll talk to you later.
00:56:07OK.
00:56:07And thanks, Del.
00:56:09It's all right, sweetheart.
00:56:10All right?
00:56:10Yeah.
00:56:25You won't do anything silly, will you?
00:56:27Oh, I'm fine.
00:56:30Oh!
00:56:31Lovely job, Lee.
00:56:39I didn't know what you were doing.
00:56:53That's a real rubbish.
00:56:54I wish I'd never put those Made in Britain stickers on them now.
00:56:57Sorry, what did you say, sweetheart?
00:56:59Earlier this evening, when he was saying all those horrible things about women, I didn't
00:57:02realise you were trying to frighten Rodney out of his date.
00:57:04Yeah, and they didn't work, though, did it?
00:57:06I couldn't see Rodney being unfaithful, could you?
00:57:08No.
00:57:09He's not that stupid, is he?
00:57:10Oh, yeah, he's stupid enough.
00:57:12It's just that he never has any success with birds.
00:57:14I mean, that bloke has been blown out more times than a windsock.
00:57:17During the war...
00:57:18Oh, God, look at the time.
00:57:19Oh, dear.
00:57:20Midnight already.
00:57:20A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott, died of a sexually-related condition.
00:57:28Oh, yeah?
00:57:29Yeah.
00:57:30His girlfriend's husband shot him.
00:57:35Shit.
00:57:37I wish somebody shot you.
00:57:40Yes?
00:57:41Yes, yes, yes.
00:57:42Trotters Independent Traders.
00:57:43Hello.
00:57:44Oh, it's me.
00:57:45Oh, it's you, is it, Rodney?
00:57:46And what do you want?
00:57:48I've been thinking.
00:57:49Oh, have you?
00:57:49Hang about.
00:57:50I'll call a press conference for tomorrow morning.
00:57:53Oh, dear.
00:57:54Well, listen.
00:57:54I ain't been drinking.
00:57:56See?
00:57:58Are you sure?
00:57:59Yeah.
00:58:00Oh, no, you haven't.
00:58:01All right, go on, then.
00:58:01I've been doing a bit of growing up.
00:58:03Yeah?
00:58:04I've realised that you were right and I was wrong.
00:58:06Well, there you are.
00:58:07You see?
00:58:08Undo I was right.
00:58:08I told you I was right.
00:58:09But you wouldn't listen, would you, eh?
00:58:11No, I did listen.
00:58:12I bought some champagne and roses for Cassie.
00:58:14Oh, that's a bit...
00:58:15That's a bit corny, ain't it, eh?
00:58:17And a bit late.
00:58:18You should have thought that before you took this Tanya bird to the pictures.
00:58:21You can't turn the clock back, Rodney.
00:58:23No, I didn't take Tanya out.
00:58:25Look, it doesn't matter where you took her, you see.
00:58:27You didn't take Tanya out?
00:58:30No.
00:58:31Well, I thought of all the things you said.
00:58:33So, I phoned her and I told her I was a married man.
00:58:36I told her I was still very much in love with my wife.
00:58:39Does that sound a bit yucky?
00:58:41Yes.
00:58:44Yes, Rodney, that sounds absolutely horrible.
00:58:47And then I thought, well, why am I saying all this to a total stranger?
00:58:49I should be telling my wife.
00:58:51So that's what I'm going to do.
00:58:53Yes, that's terrific.
00:58:54That's terrific, Rodney.
00:58:54That's terrific.
00:58:55But listen, just one thing.
00:58:57Look, don't go back to the flat, all right?
00:58:59Because Cassandra isn't in, you see.
00:59:01No, no, I'm back at the flat now.
00:59:03I'll just wait for her.
00:59:05You know.
00:59:05Who's hurrying, eh?
00:59:07Back at the flat.
00:59:08You're back at the flat now, are you?
00:59:10Well, listen, Rodney.
00:59:12I've got to tell you something.
00:59:13Oh, no.
00:59:14You've done enough for me for one day, Del.
00:59:16No.
00:59:16No, listen, Rodney.
00:59:17I've got to say something to you.
00:59:18There's something I want to say to you, Del.
00:59:20Yeah?
00:59:21What is it?
00:59:23I love you, Del boy.
00:59:28You dick stick!
00:59:34What's happened?
00:59:35Rodney.
00:59:36It's Rodney.
00:59:36He's only gone back to his flat, hasn't he, eh?
00:59:38Well, that's good, isn't it?
00:59:39No, it isn't good, Raquel.
00:59:41He's very, very un-good.
00:59:44Damn, I can't get through.
00:59:45He must have taken the phone off the hook.
00:59:47Perhaps the line's engaged.
00:59:49The only thing that's engaged is Rodney's hormones.
00:59:52Look, I don't understand this.
00:59:53You've been telling Rodney to go back to Cassandra for ages.
00:59:56Yes, I know that.
00:59:57That was before he took Tanya to see Honey, I Shrunk the Bloody Kids.
01:00:00Well, you just said Rodney didn't take Tanya.
01:00:02Yes.
01:00:03He didn't.
01:00:04But, you see, Cassandra, she thinks he did.
01:00:07What makes her think that?
01:00:12I don't know, do I?
01:00:14Yes.
01:00:15Yes.
01:00:16Something must have told her, I suppose.
01:00:17Something, right?
01:00:18Oh, Del, you didn't.
01:00:21I couldn't help it.
01:00:23I was only doing it for her.
01:00:25I couldn't see the poor little mare walk past the cinema queue
01:00:27and see her husband groping Miss Quick Fit, could I?
01:00:32I didn't want to see Cassandra hurt.
01:00:34I mean, she's family, isn't she?
01:00:36She...
01:00:37Oh, God.
01:00:38I'm going to go round there, round over there flat
01:00:40and see if I can catch Cassandra
01:00:42and say to her that I made a mistake
01:00:45and do it before she sets eyes on that, that...
01:00:49that Wally.
01:00:51Why does he have to interfere?
01:00:54It's just his nature.
01:00:56Still, proved his heart's in the right place.
01:00:59Hmm.
01:01:00Pity about his brain.
01:01:01Yeah.
01:01:19Cass.
01:01:36I've come home.
01:01:38You!
01:01:39Cassandra, will you just give me a minute to explain?
01:01:42Get out of here, Robbie.
01:01:43Go to bloody Tania's or whatever her name is.
01:01:46Tania?
01:01:46I don't know anyone called Tania.
01:01:48Is that a man or a woman?
01:01:50Well, don't try and deny it, Robbie.
01:01:51Del told me all about the two of you.
01:01:53Well, he was lying.
01:01:54She worked for the...
01:01:55Lovely evening, isn't it?
01:01:57No, I've got it in the 90s.
01:01:59Stop the roses.
01:02:01Cass, if you just calm down for one minute, you realise that it's all been a big mistake.
01:02:05Our marriage is a big mistake.
01:02:06Cass, we always said if we had a problem, we would sit down and...
01:02:09Oh, just bugger off!
01:02:13Cass!
01:02:16Back then.
01:02:18What did you tell her?
01:02:21Well, I had to, Rodney, to save her from any pain.
01:02:23Well, what about me?
01:02:24She just whacked me in a shit with a badminton racket.
01:02:26Can't you raise your voice at my...
01:02:28It's gone midnight.
01:02:29Well, go back to bed then!
01:02:32Get down!
01:02:34Get down!
01:02:39All right.
01:02:41Just calm yourself down.
01:02:43Just calm yourself down, all right?
01:02:44You...
01:02:44You of all people, grass me up.
01:02:47And you grass me up for something I didn't even do.
01:02:50Have you any idea what Cassandra's reaction would have been if she'd seen you with that Tania
01:02:54assault?
01:02:55Yes!
01:02:56She's just given me a bloody good example of it.
01:02:58I wasn't going to take Tania out.
01:03:00I changed my mind before I got to the bottom of the lift.
01:03:03I just made a stupid fret out of anger and frustration.
01:03:08You said...
01:03:08I know what I said!
01:03:11There's a world of difference between saying and doing, isn't there?
01:03:14If I'd gone to the police every time you said you were going to kill me, you'd still be slopping
01:03:17out in Parkhurst.
01:03:19Well, thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre
01:03:24and you've offended my neighbours.
01:03:26People are trying to sleep.
01:03:28Shut up!
01:03:29Calm down.
01:03:31Just calm down, all right?
01:03:34All right.
01:03:35Fair enough.
01:03:38I'm sorry.
01:03:40Sorry?
01:03:42Yes.
01:03:44I'm sorry.
01:03:49Look, is there anything I can do to help?
01:03:52Yes!
01:03:53Piss off!
01:03:55You just listen to me, you ungrapey little dipstick.
01:03:58I've struggled over here in the middle of the night just to help you.
01:04:01And I was on a promise.
01:04:03You listen to me.
01:04:05I don't want your help.
01:04:07I don't want your favours, your assistance or your advice.
01:04:10I don't want nothing off you for the rest of my life.
01:04:15I was only trying to do the best for Cassandra and you.
01:04:21Yeah, and to make sure you got all that printing done on the cheap.
01:04:27You don't really believe that, do you, Rodney?
01:04:29Probably.
01:04:32Probably not.
01:04:36I'll see.
01:04:43Bill.
01:05:01What?
01:05:03I've locked myself out.
01:05:05Done what?
01:05:06I've ripped my key upstairs.
01:05:08Well, press the buzzer on the intercom and tell Cassandra.
01:05:11She won't let me in.
01:05:12No, I know, but it might cheer her up a bit.
01:05:19This whole thing hasn't gone quite as well as I know.
01:05:23Well, that's jealousy for you, bruv.
01:05:29It's a very dangerous thing.
01:05:32We've nosed this right up, haven't we?
01:05:35So what's new?
01:05:40What am I going to do, Dale?
01:05:51Come on, Rodney.
01:05:53Come on.
01:05:55Let's go home.
01:05:57I don't know what you're thinking.
01:06:02Should I stay or say goodbye?
01:06:08You blow smoke on the ceiling.
01:06:13You don't want to look into my-