- 13 hours ago
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00:00:05Have you got any idea how much money we made recently?
00:00:08Loads of bunts, Rodders. Loads of bunts.
00:00:11We have made nearly £2,000 in the last month.
00:00:17Am I a genius or am I just a miracle worker?
00:00:19We sold over 400 of those ladies' electric raises.
00:00:22I told you they'd sell, didn't I?
00:00:24You wouldn't think there was that much air about, would you?
00:00:28Here, you chuck all those bills and receipts down the chute.
00:00:30I don't want no evidence left around the flat.
00:00:33What's that dirty-looking thing?
00:00:36That is your Uncle, Rodney.
00:00:39Please show a bit more respect.
00:00:41Here, come on, Uncle. Get yourself a drink, we're celebrating.
00:00:44That's all right, Joe.
00:00:45This is from my old days, Rodney.
00:00:47All those years ago when I used to sell the seven scenes.
00:00:51What is it, treasure?
00:00:53Ah, just a few old photos and letters from my days in the Navy.
00:00:57It's nothing much.
00:00:58Just me memories.
00:01:00Don't worry.
00:01:01Rodney's chucking a whole load of gear down the chute in a minute.
00:01:03He'll get rid of it for you.
00:01:04This is the history of my life.
00:01:06That's why I thought you'd want to get rid of it.
00:01:09Is that you?
00:01:11Yeah.
00:01:13That's when I first joined the Navy.
00:01:1617 I was.
00:01:17Oh, you ain't changed, don't you?
00:01:22What do you mean, he had a big white beard then?
00:01:24No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes.
00:01:26Oh.
00:01:27What's the matter with you two daft sods?
00:01:30Well, we're celebrating we've had a blinding month.
00:01:33What is all this?
00:01:35What's this here, look?
00:01:371941, my birthday party on board HMS Peerless.
00:01:39Oh, I mean, they look like a right bunch of toe rags, Albert.
00:01:42Yeah, that's me and some of my mates when we were serving out in the South China Sea.
00:01:46Brave lads, Del.
00:01:47Oh, look at them, like steely-eyed young lions.
00:01:50Yeah, you look like Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion.
00:01:54Well, I'd just been out to a nightclub to celebrate my birthday.
00:01:57Who's this geezer in the G-string with a ruby through his belly?
00:02:01It's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub.
00:02:04We sneaked her back to show around HMS Peerless.
00:02:08You dirty old goat.
00:02:11The catten used to call it a submarine hunter.
00:02:15She was nothing more than an old tug.
00:02:18Yeah, she looks like a rough and ready girl.
00:02:20I'm talking about HMS Peerless.
00:02:22Oh, sorry.
00:02:23Yeah.
00:02:24A few hours after that photo was taken, we was in action.
00:02:27Not surprised it took you that long.
00:02:31Japanese sub was spotted in the area.
00:02:34Oh, that's all you need, ain't it, eh?
00:02:35Yeah.
00:02:36There was an American aircraft carrier out lying offshore, um...
00:02:41USS Pittsburgh.
00:02:42Yeah.
00:02:43It was our job to protect her.
00:02:44Well, we hadn't been sailing for about her now and we crashed right into her.
00:02:48Oh, God, did not make a noise.
00:02:51You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?
00:02:55Yeah.
00:02:57It was a good job she was there, actually.
00:02:59She picked up most of the survivors.
00:03:04Was your ship badly damaged?
00:03:06Couldn't tell, Roddy.
00:03:07It sunk.
00:03:09Of course, they tried to put the blame on me.
00:03:12Yeah.
00:03:13Well, sounds fair, doesn't it, eh?
00:03:14Yeah.
00:03:15Just because I was on watch at the time.
00:03:17I had my excuses ready.
00:03:19What, you were drunk?
00:03:21Silly.
00:03:21The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no lights.
00:03:25They weren't allowed.
00:03:26There was a war on.
00:03:27Yeah, well, I know.
00:03:28Of course it was.
00:03:28So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities.
00:03:31Like, er, er, it was in broad daylight.
00:03:41You didn't see an aircraft carrier.
00:03:4742,000 tons of steel.
00:03:50In broad daylight.
00:03:53Well, I wasn't close enough.
00:03:56Well, you must have been reasonably close, haven't you, idiot?
00:03:59Well, it's a good more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest.
00:04:02I mean, I wasn't up on deck.
00:04:04I was in the radar room watching the screen.
00:04:07I couldn't make it in the tail of it.
00:04:10It was all blibs and blobs.
00:04:13The Japanese sub had it away a bit lively.
00:04:15I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around.
00:04:20Oi.
00:04:21Did you get into trouble for it?
00:04:23Court marshal.
00:04:24The papers were sent to the naval headquarters of Singapore.
00:04:27You were court marshaled?
00:04:28No.
00:04:29As luck would have it, before my trial, the Japanese invasion, I never heard another word
00:04:34about it.
00:04:36And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky.
00:04:48That was a bit strong, wasn't it, trying to court marshal him?
00:04:51Well, he had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft carrier.
00:04:54Yeah, I know, but it was his birthday.
00:04:57Yeah, yeah, I forgot.
00:04:59Oh, not for long, though.
00:05:01Now, this picture was taken in 1941 on his birthday, right?
00:05:04You seen the date?
00:05:08It's in a couple of weeks' time, ain't it?
00:05:10Yeah.
00:05:11You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know so he'd arrange a birthday treat,
00:05:16do you?
00:05:17Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney.
00:05:21Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person.
00:05:24He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat.
00:05:27Sly old git.
00:05:29So he wants a surprise for his birthday, does he?
00:05:31What are you going to do?
00:05:34I don't know, yeah.
00:05:36But I'll think of something to pull him up a bit lively.
00:05:39We could give him one of them electric razors.
00:05:41Yeah.
00:05:54Why does he keep doing it, eh?
00:06:10God knows.
00:06:11I suppose at some time in his life someone told him he could play the piano.
00:06:16Yeah.
00:06:17I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing.
00:06:21He's a trotter.
00:06:22What more can you say about the man?
00:06:24A couple of years ago I went down to the local library and read some ancient manuscripts written
00:06:28by the elders of Peckham.
00:06:31Did you know 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area?
00:06:36The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the quick-fit exhaust centre now stands.
00:06:41Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening.
00:06:46And then one fateful medieval day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen zephyr.
00:06:54Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maidens were up the spout, the old Earl had been sold
00:06:58some hukiyama and someone nicked a maypole.
00:07:03About a hundred years after that, the Black Death arrived in England.
00:07:07The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed.
00:07:11Yeah, talk of changing luck, look at this.
00:07:13Oh, my God.
00:07:14Mate, all right, boys see?
00:07:18Well, I was...
00:07:19There you go, Trent.
00:07:21There's a scotch, mate.
00:07:22How do you know I wanted a scotch?
00:07:23Cos if I was dressed like that, I'd want a scotch.
00:07:29Is this something to do with the new religion?
00:07:32I'm taking a lady out to lunch.
00:07:35Are you sure?
00:07:38Yeah, positive.
00:07:39I booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite.
00:07:42I thought I'd better try and make an impression.
00:07:45Well, you'll certainly do that, and no worries, Trent.
00:07:48Oh, thanks, boys.
00:07:53Morning, Michael.
00:07:55Same again for Boise.
00:07:56A non-alcoholic lager top for Rodney.
00:08:00Malibu and Cherriade for moi.
00:08:04Is it comic relief day again?
00:08:09No, it ain't comic relief day, mate.
00:08:11I've got a date.
00:08:13Oh, well, you want to watch them stones, cos they've got one for all this.
00:08:17No, Dave, I mean, I've got a lunch date with a lady.
00:08:22Are you sure?
00:08:24Yeah.
00:08:25I've got to meet her in a couple of minutes, so I just popped in for some Dutch courage.
00:08:29Well, who is you?
00:08:29Anyone we know?
00:08:30No, no, you don't know her.
00:08:32Come to that, I don't know her either.
00:08:35How do you mean, Trent?
00:08:36Well, these people arranged it for me.
00:08:40The Technomatch Friendship and Maximum Royal Agency.
00:08:45You haven't joined one of them computer dating firms, have you?
00:08:47Yeah, they'd just opened up a shop down the high street, so I thought they'd have 25 quids worth.
00:08:51See what occurs.
00:08:52So, what's this bird look like?
00:08:54Well, I don't know.
00:08:55They don't show you pictures of each other.
00:08:57Oh, that's a bit risky, isn't it?
00:08:58Well, that's her problem.
00:09:02They fed all of my information into a computer, and it came out with a woman who was compatible with
00:09:08me.
00:09:11That's what I like about this agency, you know where you stand with them.
00:09:14They insist on honesty.
00:09:16So, you told them you were a road sweeper?
00:09:19No, I told them I was a bus inspector.
00:09:22Why?
00:09:23To add a bit of glamour.
00:09:25Ah, yeah, very good idea.
00:09:29Right then, here goes.
00:09:33I'll see you later.
00:09:46Well, rather him than me, he's walking straight into the unknown.
00:09:53It's a bit like that television programme, isn't it?
00:09:55Yeah.
00:09:56You know, blind date.
00:09:58Oh, I thought you meant that's my dog.
00:10:03Marlene and Dukesit and what's that, you know.
00:10:05Soppy as sacks are two of them.
00:10:08The dog gets more questions right than her.
00:10:11Michael, here.
00:10:12Can I have a word about Albert?
00:10:13Ah, now there's a coincidence, Del.
00:10:15I wanted to have a little word with you about him as well.
00:10:18He's not still singing in here of an evening, is he?
00:10:20Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:10:22He's doing maconais now, Del.
00:10:24My pie sales have fallen.
00:10:25All right, all right.
00:10:26Listen, I'll have a word with him.
00:10:27Look, listen, I want you to do me a favour.
00:10:29It's Albert's birthday in a couple of weeks' time,
00:10:30and I want to throw a little party for him.
00:10:32What, in here?
00:10:33Well, yeah, you know, just a few drinks, a bit of gravel and what have you.
00:10:35No, no, no.
00:10:36I'll stick 150 across the counter.
00:10:39All right, Del.
00:10:40Listen, you can have the pub on one condition.
00:10:43He doesn't sing.
00:10:44Fair enough, mate.
00:10:45He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies.
00:10:48Right-o, mate.
00:10:49And he doesn't dance.
00:10:51Got you, mate.
00:10:52He tells no rude jokes.
00:10:55Those are out saying, Michael.
00:10:57And he don't drink too much.
00:10:59Perish the thought.
00:11:00He just sits down quietly, soberly, and enjoys himself.
00:11:07He's going to really look forward to this, mate.
00:11:10Thanks very much indeed.
00:11:12I mean, he makes up more rules than a common market, that bloke.
00:11:15Now, be honest, he's ruining this pub, hasn't he?
00:11:17I honestly wouldn't know, Del boy.
00:11:19I'm very rarely in here these days.
00:11:20I spend most of my free time down at the lodge.
00:11:23Oh, of course, the lodge.
00:11:26What, has it you become?
00:11:27A buffalo?
00:11:30I am not a buffalo.
00:11:31I am a pucker mason.
00:11:34Secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies, or works.
00:11:37What do you want to join that bunch of dipsticks for?
00:11:40It is a great honour to be chosen.
00:11:42It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek.
00:11:44Oh, no.
00:11:45It's changed my life.
00:11:47I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days.
00:11:50Helping the local needy and underprivileged.
00:11:53It's got its good side as well, of course.
00:11:56Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible.
00:12:00It sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone another load of old snobs.
00:12:04We're not snobs.
00:12:05Anyone can join.
00:12:06We come from all walks of life, right across the social spectrum.
00:12:09We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police, the mayor.
00:12:14We've got all sorts.
00:12:15Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett.
00:12:19That is not all walks of life, boys.
00:12:22Well, all right, all right.
00:12:22Well, we've got a television director.
00:12:25Oh, yeah.
00:12:26And what's he do?
00:12:27Film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget.
00:12:33I'll see you in a minute.
00:12:33I'm going to have a chat with Mickey and Jebby.
00:12:35Yeah, all right.
00:12:35Listen, I'm going to pop down the betting shop.
00:12:36I'll pick you up later, all right?
00:12:37Yeah, all right.
00:12:38What is the matter with that boy?
00:12:40He's all social conscience.
00:12:42Yeah, well, he's one of life's carers, isn't he?
00:12:46Reminds me a bit of my mum, doesn't he, yeah?
00:12:48Yeah.
00:12:50Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers.
00:13:06I don't believe it.
00:13:09That's a woman.
00:13:29Butch and Aries.
00:13:31Well, you made me jump.
00:13:32Sorry, mate.
00:13:33Um, can I get you a drink?
00:13:35No, I've got one.
00:13:41Um, I was wondering maybe you'd quite like to come out sometime during the week.
00:13:45Where?
00:13:47I don't know, anywhere.
00:13:49Who with?
00:13:52Well, me.
00:13:55All right, then.
00:13:56I'll have to be during the day, because I work in here most evenings.
00:13:59I'll have to see if I can get a day off.
00:14:01Well, you said you run the business.
00:14:03Well, yeah, yeah, I do.
00:14:05I do run the business, but, you know, I don't like leaving Del in charge, because he mucks
00:14:08my system up, you know.
00:14:11Well, I'll phone you on it, then.
00:14:13Yeah.
00:14:14All right, then.
00:14:15See you in the week.
00:14:17Go on, then.
00:14:20Go on.
00:14:21All right.
00:14:23Rodney.
00:14:25How'd you get on the news?
00:14:27OK.
00:14:28Bet you didn't get a date with her.
00:14:30I'll save your money, Jev and my man.
00:14:32I'm taking her out next week.
00:14:34How'd you manage that?
00:14:36I've been trying to date her for ages, and bear in mind who's talking here, I've had to
00:14:40employ a secretary to handle all my dates.
00:14:43Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon.
00:14:45It is a thing called machismo.
00:14:47I've told you before.
00:14:50Now this goes for macho men.
00:14:54I have known Rodney a lot longer than you, and he can be a right hard nut when he wants
00:14:59to be.
00:15:01Well...
00:15:01Muscle and sweat.
00:15:03That is what Nerys goes for.
00:15:05Yeah, but Rodney's no master of the universe, is he?
00:15:07But he has the aura of inner strength.
00:15:10It's because I'm wiry, you see.
00:15:13Nerys likes guys who live their lives at 100 miles an hour.
00:15:16And they reckon when she's hot, she is hot.
00:15:20The only guy that could put her out is where they're down.
00:15:22And he's too expensive.
00:15:23Yeah, well I think you should treat a chick with consideration, you know?
00:15:25And that is why you'll never get a date with Nerys, Jevon.
00:15:28She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers.
00:15:32My main man here plays his cards right.
00:15:35See you, big guy.
00:15:37Hey.
00:15:48What's that mean?
00:15:50Rodney Totter's just got himself a date.
00:15:52And we've convinced him she likes really tough macho men.
00:15:55Who's the bird then?
00:15:56Nerys.
00:15:57What?
00:15:59Nervous Nerys?
00:16:00Yes!
00:16:13So, can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for?
00:16:19Well, bird.
00:16:22Yes, but are there any particular requirements?
00:16:24Yeah, local bird.
00:16:25I don't want to do too much of that driving, Lark.
00:16:27So, er, you're not looking for a special type of person?
00:16:30Well, you've got to be a bit of a sort.
00:16:33A bit of a sort?
00:16:35Yeah, you know.
00:16:37Everything in the right place, you know.
00:16:39Oh, yeah, and she must be a bit refined.
00:16:41Must she?
00:16:42Oh, yeah.
00:16:42I don't want you lumbering me with some old bow-wow.
00:16:44We don't know the difference between a leaf brown milk and a can of tiser.
00:16:48What?
00:16:50Because I'm a bit of a culture vulture myself, you know.
00:16:53Ah, man of the arts.
00:16:55Oh, yeah, she can't whack it.
00:16:56And you can tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal.
00:17:00A steak meal?
00:17:04Guaranteed.
00:17:05Do you want to put it down on your floppy disc or what?
00:17:09Yes, er, I'll make a note.
00:17:12A steak meal.
00:17:16Now, please don't feel pressurised by this next question.
00:17:19We're not trying to force you into any decision or commitment.
00:17:21The question is simply asked to protect our clients.
00:17:24Yes, go on, fire away.
00:17:25I've got nothing on your mind.
00:17:26What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction?
00:17:28Is it simply friendship?
00:17:33Yeah, yeah, friendship.
00:17:34Yeah, that'll do for a start.
00:17:35Yeah, yeah.
00:17:35No, no, no, no.
00:17:36What I'm getting at is do you see this leading to a more permanent relationship or even marriage?
00:17:41Oi, slow down.
00:17:42Slow down, John.
00:17:43Oi, oi, oi.
00:17:43You haven't even sought me one out yet.
00:17:45No, no, no, no, no.
00:17:46Just say friendship.
00:17:47That'll do for a start.
00:17:47Yes, of course.
00:17:48Fine.
00:17:49Well, let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you.
00:17:52I'll just feed your information into our main computer.
00:17:57Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit.
00:18:00Obviously a refined lady.
00:18:01She's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee.
00:18:0538 years old.
00:18:07Locking on a bit, isn't she?
00:18:09Yes, she's widowed.
00:18:11And her late husband was a stockbroker.
00:18:16No, I don't think you're right for each other.
00:18:18No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:18:19Just a really, just a really.
00:18:20Don't jump in the gun.
00:18:21I'll give you the best if she will.
00:18:22No, she's a rather sensitive person.
00:18:24She's got this right up my street, isn't she?
00:18:26Yes, but she specified a non-smoker.
00:18:32Well, you win some, you lose some, don't you?
00:18:34Now, this looks more promising.
00:18:36Young lady, 30 years old.
00:18:38Something of a career woman.
00:18:39Yeah, go on, go on.
00:18:40Yes, she's an actress.
00:18:42Yeah?
00:18:43Is she famous?
00:18:45I wouldn't have thought so, would you?
00:18:47No, no, no.
00:18:49It might be a nice introduction, seeing as you share a common interest.
00:18:54What's that?
00:18:56The arts.
00:18:57Oh, yes, yes.
00:18:58Right, yeah.
00:18:59Perfect.
00:19:00Well, then, where do we meet, you know, and how do we recognise each other?
00:19:03That's always assuming that the young lady fancies it.
00:19:06What did you say her name again was?
00:19:07Uh, Miss Turner.
00:19:09Raquel Turner.
00:19:11Raquel?
00:19:13Raquel.
00:19:15Do you know that Raquel is my most favourite name?
00:19:18How fortunate.
00:19:20In the present social climate, we recommend that the first meeting is during the day.
00:19:23A lunch appointment, something like that.
00:19:25After that, it's entirely up to the two clients.
00:19:27A good meeting place is under the main clock at Waterloo Station.
00:19:30It's rather traditional and, in its way, quite romantic.
00:19:33It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson.
00:19:38We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers as a point of recognition and as a gift for
00:19:42the lady.
00:19:43Oh, right.
00:19:44Did they hit it off?
00:19:46Who?
00:19:48What is Trevor and Celia sort?
00:19:51Yes, yes.
00:19:52Ah, cushy.
00:19:53Right, well, you get on a blower and give Raquel the old SP.
00:19:57Oh, and tell her to keep on her toes.
00:19:58Because the last girl I met at Waterloo Station got mugged on the escalator.
00:20:03Yes, I'll, um, I'll tell her.
00:20:06When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet, we do emphasise the importance of complete honesty.
00:20:12There is very little future in fabrication or deceit.
00:20:15No, no, no, I agree, yeah.
00:20:16No, we've got to be right up front with each other.
00:20:19Good.
00:20:19Now, I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the £25 membership fee.
00:20:23Right.
00:20:24I'm sorry, I've forgotten.
00:20:25Is there an E on the end of your name?
00:20:27No, no, no E.
00:20:28It's Duval.
00:20:29Derek Duval.
00:20:32Thanks very much for your opinion.
00:20:34Thanks for coming in.
00:20:34I'd like now to move on to Wembley, Middlesex, John Gordon.
00:20:38Hi, John.
00:20:39Hi.
00:20:39Hi, John.
00:20:39You solved the program.
00:20:40What was your opinion office?
00:20:41I thought it was very fine.
00:20:43Against the FAS.
00:20:55You got it?
00:21:00No, I'm going to bleed the brakes on the van.
00:21:04Of course I'm going out.
00:21:06What is it?
00:21:07A special occasion?
00:21:08Could be, Uncle.
00:21:09Could be.
00:21:09You never can tell.
00:21:12I thought it might be one of your mate's birthdays or something.
00:21:16No, no.
00:21:16It's nothing like that.
00:21:17I'm taking a young lady out to lunch.
00:21:18When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties.
00:21:22When you get to my age, nobody bothers.
00:21:25Yeah, I know.
00:21:25It's a bark, isn't it?
00:21:27Yeah.
00:21:29So who's the bird?
00:21:30It's not a bird.
00:21:31It's an actress.
00:21:33Yeah?
00:21:33Yeah.
00:21:34Who?
00:21:36Raquel Turner.
00:21:37Don't ring a bell.
00:21:38What's she been in?
00:21:40Oh, loads of things.
00:21:41I can't remember them off the top of my head.
00:21:43What's she look like?
00:21:44Oh, well, she's a...
00:21:46It's rather difficult to describe her.
00:21:49Oh, she's tall, short, dark, fair, fat or thin?
00:21:53Look, she's an actress.
00:21:54She keeps changing her appearance.
00:21:57How are you going to recognise her, then?
00:21:59Look, I'll recognise her.
00:22:00Just don't keep going on about it, will you?
00:22:01Yeah.
00:22:03If you've got anything for the laundrette, go and get it now.
00:22:06No, it's not your washing day today, is it?
00:22:07No, but Rodney's going out as well.
00:22:09I don't want to sit in his flat on me own.
00:22:11All right.
00:22:18Hello, Miss Turner.
00:22:19May I...
00:22:25How do you do, Miss Turner?
00:22:27May I say how very pleased I am to meet you?
00:22:31I've admired your work for many years.
00:22:35I'll call you Raquel.
00:22:37Raquel is one of my most favourite names.
00:22:40Yeah.
00:22:42My old joie de vivre will knock a bandit.
00:22:46Now, then, a quick livener, I think.
00:22:48And then off we go.
00:22:49Now, then, where is it?
00:22:49Where's that?
00:23:17You're still here, then?
00:23:19Just about, just about.
00:23:21I thought you'd got a date with that in Harrisburg.
00:23:24Yeah, I have.
00:23:25Well, you'd better hurry up and get changed, won't you?
00:23:27You're right.
00:23:29I am changed.
00:23:31Well, you're going out like that.
00:23:33Well, what's wrong with me?
00:23:34Well, you look like an hooligan.
00:23:37It is the fashion.
00:23:38Haven't you read about it?
00:23:40It's called the James Dean look.
00:23:42Yeah, but when they said the James Dean look, they meant before the crash.
00:23:48I can't see you getting very far with that in Harrisburg, dressed like that.
00:23:51Oi.
00:23:52You just keep it out, right?
00:23:53You let me lead my own life.
00:23:55All right.
00:23:55All right.
00:23:56Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble.
00:24:00I thought you were going out.
00:24:02I am going out.
00:24:04Well, hurry up and change.
00:24:06I'll take those clothes down the lord's head for you.
00:24:08I am wearing these clothes.
00:24:11Yeah?
00:24:12Where are you taking them, scrubbing?
00:24:15Do you boys going out at lunch with a world-famous actress?
00:24:19Yeah.
00:24:19You got my socks and pants in there?
00:24:21Yeah, I've got them, boy.
00:24:22See you later.
00:24:23Yeah.
00:24:26So, who is it, then?
00:24:27Meryl Streep?
00:24:28No.
00:24:30Raquel Turner.
00:24:32Are you kidding me?
00:24:34No, straight up.
00:24:36The Raquel Turner.
00:24:42Well, yeah.
00:24:43Have you heard of her?
00:24:45No.
00:24:52Has she been in anything?
00:24:53Yes, loads of things, but nothing that you would have seen her in, Rodney.
00:24:57And what's that supposed to mean?
00:24:58She has not been on top of the pops or repeats of Batman.
00:25:04Where are you taking her, then?
00:25:06I am meeting her at Waterloo Station,
00:25:09and I have booked a table for lunch
00:25:12at the Hilton Hotel Park Lane.
00:25:15You taking the van?
00:25:19No, I am not taking the van.
00:25:22Where would you meet an actress?
00:25:24A friend of mine's in show business.
00:25:26Introduced us.
00:25:27Now, wait a minute.
00:25:29The other day, Albert took a call for you.
00:25:31That was from some agency.
00:25:33Oh, was it?
00:25:36It's your mate, an agent.
00:25:37Yeah, oh, yeah, that's right.
00:25:38Yes, it's a show business agent.
00:25:39Yeah, that's it.
00:25:40Oh, bloody hell, do you wait till I tell the others?
00:25:42Oi, any chance of an autograph?
00:25:44Yeah, no problem.
00:25:45Yeah, I'll get you hers as well.
00:25:48Um, Bill, you don't think you might be being a little bit,
00:25:54well, ostentatious?
00:25:55Well, maybe, but I can afford it.
00:25:58Yeah, but, I mean,
00:26:00well, you know, the Hilton and all that,
00:26:02you don't think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top,
00:26:05do you?
00:26:05Because, I mean, she's an actress, isn't she?
00:26:07She's about to be cool and laid back.
00:26:11Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy.
00:26:13I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach.
00:26:18I have played the game before.
00:26:20I do know what I'm doing.
00:26:24Yeah, of course you do.
00:26:26Well, best of luck, eh?
00:26:28Cheers, bruv.
00:26:35Open the door for us, Rodney, will you?
00:26:39You're welcome, sir?
00:26:40Buh-bye.
00:26:53I'm so glad you're playing short.
00:26:55I'm so glad you're playing short.
00:26:56This is how I'm standing.
00:26:59You're the best.
00:27:00At least...
00:27:01You're the best.
00:27:02You're the best.
00:27:03You're the best.
00:27:17Hi.
00:27:19Is this a free world van?
00:27:21It was the last time I counted.
00:27:23I've never been in a free world van before.
00:27:26Well, and you have never lived, Nervous?
00:27:28It's a bit, um...
00:27:30What's the word?
00:27:32Smelly.
00:27:33That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nervous.
00:27:37So, where do you fancy going?
00:27:39I don't mind.
00:27:40Well, you just name your destination.
00:27:42I don't care.
00:27:43Well, so there's nowhere special?
00:27:44No. Anywhere.
00:27:47Well, shall we take in a movie?
00:27:49I don't fancy the pictures.
00:27:51Well, how about a drink?
00:27:52No. Pubs around here are horrible.
00:27:55Do you fancy an hamburger?
00:27:56I've just had my dinner.
00:27:58Well, where do you want to go, then?
00:27:59I don't mind. Anywhere.
00:28:02No, that's cool, Nervous.
00:28:03We'll just cruise.
00:28:05What, in a free world van?
00:28:07Yes.
00:28:08This will be an experience you will never forget, Nervous.
00:28:14Oh, shit.
00:28:16Look at the magic things again.
00:28:18I know I've been for a camp right before you get just fire.
00:28:42Hello.
00:28:46Hello, love.
00:28:47Blimey, you're not Raquel, are you?
00:28:49I can be anyone you want me to be.
00:28:53What I mean is you're not an actress, are you?
00:28:55Well, I've played a few demanding roles in my time.
00:28:59There's a very nice little hotel around the corner.
00:29:01Why don't we go and discuss it there?
00:29:03No, sorry, it's all right.
00:29:05There's been a mistake, you know.
00:29:06It's my fault entirely.
00:29:07Sorry.
00:29:07Oh.
00:29:09You're one of those who just likes to talk, aren't you?
00:29:14No, no, there's been a mistake.
00:29:15A genuine mistake, right?
00:29:17I'm waiting for someone and I thought that you...
00:29:20I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweetheart.
00:29:23Now, I'm going to count to ten, right?
00:29:25Then I'm going to shove these flowers right up your...
00:29:30You'll realise that will be extra.
00:29:35Well done.
00:29:38Hey it down.
00:29:43Good.
00:29:49Come on, Jay!
00:29:50Hey!
00:29:52What's that?
00:29:56What's that?
00:29:57What's that?
00:29:58What are you doing?
00:30:01When were like that?
00:30:03Come on, Fred.
00:30:05Aren't you frightened?
00:30:07Why then, punks?
00:30:09No way.
00:30:27Hello.
00:30:31Look, he nearly nicked one of your mates just now, so I'd have it away on your toes if I
00:30:35were you.
00:30:36Is it Derek?
00:30:39Raquel?
00:30:40Yes.
00:30:41Hi.
00:30:42Hello.
00:30:43Hello.
00:30:43I'm sorry, sorry about that.
00:30:44No, no, I should apologise for being so late.
00:30:47You know what these trains are like.
00:30:49Have you been waiting long?
00:30:51Well, since about 10 o'clock this morning.
00:30:53No, no.
00:30:54No, it's a joke.
00:30:55It's just a joke.
00:30:58Oh, sorry.
00:30:59These are for you.
00:31:01Are they?
00:31:03Oh, we shouldn't have gone to all this expense.
00:31:06May we.
00:31:07May we.
00:31:10Well, um, I've booked a table at my most favourite restaurant if that is alright with you.
00:31:14Oh, yes.
00:31:15Sounds lovely.
00:31:15Right.
00:31:17Well, your carriage awaits.
00:31:26This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?
00:31:29What do you reckon?
00:31:31That's my favourite film.
00:31:33Oh, yeah.
00:31:34Oh, yeah.
00:31:35And it's mine.
00:31:37Really?
00:31:38Yeah.
00:31:38My favourite bit is when the big spaceship comes down and all the little Martians come up.
00:31:46That's Close Encounters.
00:31:49Yeah, I love it.
00:31:55I always thought you were such a quiet person.
00:31:58They're the ones you've got to wash, Nerys.
00:32:00But just now, you were so, well, tough.
00:32:05I get by.
00:32:07I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened.
00:32:10Those punks back here, they're used to people running scared from them.
00:32:13They don't scare me.
00:32:15This is my jungle.
00:32:17And I'm at the top of the tree.
00:32:27What's wrong, Rodney?
00:32:29Nothing.
00:32:34Why are we going so fast?
00:32:35I love speed.
00:32:37You said we were going to cruise.
00:32:38Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.
00:32:50And, er, that's for what?
00:32:56Sorry about that.
00:32:57I had to get a message to a friend.
00:32:58Oh, that's OK.
00:33:05Well, go on.
00:33:06Get stuck in.
00:33:07Don't wait for me.
00:33:14Mmm.
00:33:21That's just wonderful.
00:33:22Well, you can't go wrong here.
00:33:26I hope you don't mind me saying this, Radgolder.
00:33:28What?
00:33:29I'm a bit surprised to find someone like you, you know, attractive and talented, you know,
00:33:32at a computer dating agency.
00:33:35Well, I might say the same about you.
00:33:37A successful person, managing director of his own import-export business.
00:33:41How did you approach me?
00:33:43I don't know, really.
00:33:46I suppose I was grabbing at straws, really.
00:33:49I've been married before, and that was a disaster.
00:33:51And I've had, you know, relationships with men, which have always ended unhappily.
00:33:56Maybe it's been the same for you.
00:33:57No, blokes don't do a lot for me.
00:34:00You know what I mean.
00:34:03I found I used to take my relationships seriously.
00:34:05Used to plan, stupid things like that.
00:34:08But they were just playing a game.
00:34:10Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement, I thought, why not?
00:34:14At least I knew I'd been meeting someone who wanted me to be there.
00:34:17Was it the same for you?
00:34:19Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah.
00:34:20And I just thought, you know, that you'd be meeting lots of people, you know, on the film sets and
00:34:24that sort of thing.
00:34:27Look, I've got to be honest with you.
00:34:29The agency asked me what I did for a living, so I said I was an actress.
00:34:33Well, I suppose that's what I am.
00:34:34I'm a member of the union, at least.
00:34:37I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago.
00:34:40I was a lizard person.
00:34:43Well, I've done fringe theatre, that sort of thing, but I never got the chance to make it.
00:34:49Well, I gave it all up for nine years while I was married.
00:34:51My husband was one of those old-fashioned types who thought there should only be one breadwinner.
00:34:55Yeah, my dad was like that.
00:34:57He used to get up at six every morning to make sure my mum got to work.
00:35:01No, straight up.
00:35:04Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career for what it was, but I can't see me ever doing
00:35:08anything.
00:35:09Au contraire, Raquel, au contraire.
00:35:12This time next year you'll be a star.
00:35:14Oh, come on.
00:35:14No, she who dares wins.
00:35:16That is my motto.
00:35:18No matter what's happened in our lives, I've always said that to my kid brother.
00:35:21I said, Rodney, I said, this time next year we'll be millionaires.
00:35:24Look at you now.
00:35:26Yeah, look at me now.
00:35:29No, the secret is, if you want something bad enough, you'll get it.
00:35:32As long as you don't stop believing.
00:35:34This is nice.
00:35:36It's a lovely feeling of...
00:35:38I don't know...
00:35:40Honesty.
00:35:43Yeah, well...
00:35:44It's what it's all about, isn't it?
00:35:46Mr Duval.
00:35:47Yes?
00:35:47I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir.
00:35:49There's an important call from your New York office.
00:35:51Oh, thank you very much, Charles.
00:35:52Sorry about this.
00:35:53Please, there's no problem.
00:35:59Charles, would you tell them I'm busy?
00:36:01Of course, sir.
00:36:02Please don't do this for me.
00:36:03No, no, I'm enjoying the company.
00:36:05And I'm not going to have it spoiled by some soppy problem in New York.
00:36:10These Yanks are going to have to learn to make decisions for themselves.
00:36:14To success.
00:36:32Thank you, John.
00:36:35When the agency phoned and mentioned you, I was really excited.
00:36:38They said you're a man of the arts.
00:36:39It's not that often that you meet someone who's interested in the theatre.
00:36:42Oh, yeah.
00:36:43I love it.
00:36:44Going into a theatre is so exhilarating.
00:36:46Just the feel of the place.
00:36:47Mmm.
00:36:48Gets me going and all.
00:36:50You can't whack a good play, can you?
00:36:51Did you see the RSC's production of Moliere's Le Misanthrope?
00:36:59Oh, out of the country?
00:37:01Yeah.
00:37:01Oh, yeah, that's...
00:37:02Yeah, I was away on business.
00:37:03You missed something wonderful.
00:37:06Oh, no, I was gutted.
00:37:09What's the sort of play you like, then, is it?
00:37:11Not really.
00:37:12I like anything to do with entertainment.
00:37:15When I was a kid, my mum sent me to tap dancing lessons.
00:37:18I loved it.
00:37:19When I was about 17, another girl and me formed a pop duo.
00:37:23Double cream, we called it.
00:37:24I loved ourselves.
00:37:25We were rotten.
00:37:27But that's what I mean.
00:37:28I like anything.
00:37:29Pop music to heavy drama.
00:37:30I don't know about you, but I just love the works of short.
00:37:33Oh, yeah.
00:37:34Like a puppet, honestly.
00:37:38You're just putting me on.
00:37:43Oh, thank God.
00:37:46Hold it.
00:37:50Mm.
00:37:53Mm.
00:38:02Mm.
00:38:02I've really enjoyed this afternoon.
00:38:04Oh, shall I?
00:38:05Mm.
00:38:05Mm.
00:38:08Do you fancy going out Saturday night?
00:38:10Saturday?
00:38:11Mm.
00:38:11No, I can't make Saturday.
00:38:13That's all right.
00:38:14Oh, you know, I just thought I'd ask.
00:38:15No, let me explain.
00:38:16I'm always busy on Friday and Saturday nights at drama class.
00:38:20Oh, drama class.
00:38:22I teach.
00:38:23Oh, right.
00:38:24Mm.
00:38:25What about, um, well, about Monday night, then?
00:38:27I'd love to.
00:38:29Right.
00:38:30Good.
00:38:31Well, wish I'd meet you then.
00:38:33Why don't you come round the flat?
00:38:34Oh, yeah.
00:38:35Okay.
00:38:37You don't have to worry about letting me into the flat.
00:38:38I'm not a pervo or anything like that.
00:38:40I figured that one out.
00:38:42Mm.
00:38:43Mm.
00:38:45I feel terrible.
00:38:46I've kept you away from your business.
00:38:47No, that's all right.
00:38:48My brother handles things when I'm not there.
00:38:51Oh!
00:38:55Oh!
00:38:58Oh!
00:39:01Oh!
00:39:02Oh!
00:39:03Oh!
00:39:06Oh!
00:39:08Oh!
00:39:10Oh!
00:39:11Oh!
00:39:13Oh!
00:39:13Oh!
00:39:15Oh!
00:39:16Oh!
00:39:19I'll get his number.
00:39:21I don't believe it.
00:39:23He only came to this yesterday.
00:39:25No, he was going too fast.
00:39:27But there can't be too many yellow three-wheel bands around here.
00:39:30That's right.
00:39:31I'll get him.
00:39:32You see if I don't.
00:39:38You.
00:39:40I.
00:39:42Don't ever do that again.
00:40:12No, no, I'm fine, thanks. I'm fine.
00:40:16Please, sit down.
00:40:17Oh, right.
00:40:19Here, listen, you didn't have to go and cook a meal and what have you.
00:40:22I said I was going to take you out with dinner.
00:40:23And I said it's my way of saying thank you for the other lunchtime.
00:40:26Well, it was really lovely.
00:40:29You know, thank you.
00:40:31Do you think your car will be all right out there?
00:40:33We get a lot of vandalism around here.
00:40:35Oh, yeah, that's why I didn't bring the car.
00:40:36Oh, I mean, you leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to.
00:40:40Oh, good.
00:40:46I said these flowers lasted well, weren't they?
00:40:49I'm not throwing them away.
00:40:50They're my memories of a lovely day.
00:41:00Do you want some coffee?
00:41:02Yes, please.
00:41:08Raquel?
00:41:09Mm-hmm?
00:41:12I like you.
00:41:15I like you.
00:41:17Good.
00:41:19Look at the state of this wall.
00:41:21Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?
00:41:24Yeah, listen, um, I wanted to ask you something.
00:41:28Adele, wait a while, eh?
00:41:32See how we're feeling.
00:41:35No, no, no, not there.
00:41:36No, it's all blimey, no.
00:41:37No, it's just that I had this idea that I might help you
00:41:40and I just wanted to talk to you about it.
00:41:42But, um, you see, I've got a friend who's a mason.
00:41:47Oh, I don't need a mason.
00:41:48A plasterer can do that.
00:41:51No, no, no, no.
00:41:52I don't mean a stonemason, I mean a masonic mason.
00:41:55You know, it's...
00:41:56No, come in here, come in here.
00:41:57Let me talk to you about it.
00:41:58Come on, come on, put that down.
00:41:59Leave it.
00:42:03Sit down, sit down.
00:42:06Now, you're a talented actress, right?
00:42:09Says who?
00:42:10Says me.
00:42:10I can tell these things.
00:42:11But life has never given you a decent break.
00:42:14And it doesn't matter how clever you are,
00:42:15you can never prove yourself
00:42:16until someone gives you that break, right?
00:42:19Yeah.
00:42:20Right.
00:42:21Well, my friend's fellow mason
00:42:24is a television director, right?
00:42:27So if I become a mason,
00:42:29I can get him to give you that break.
00:42:32You know, put you in a show.
00:42:33But why would he do that?
00:42:34He doesn't even know me.
00:42:36No, no, he doesn't have to.
00:42:37You see, mason's,
00:42:37they have to do favours for each other.
00:42:39You know, so he couldn't refuse to help me.
00:42:41But what favour would you do him?
00:42:43Well, I don't know.
00:42:44I'd drop him a monkey or something.
00:42:46But don't worry, he'd be as sweet as a nut.
00:42:49You'd actually join the mason's
00:42:50just to help me?
00:42:51Oh, yeah.
00:42:57Well, I mean, it's no sweat, is it?
00:42:58I mean, you know, it's only the mason's.
00:43:00It's not like the moonies or nothing.
00:43:03Now, if they chuck a good dinner and dance and all, you know.
00:43:05But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?
00:43:07No, of course you wouldn't be cheating.
00:43:09I'd do all that for you.
00:43:11No, I mean, I'd be using inside influence
00:43:13to further my career.
00:43:14Well, it's the name of the game, innit?
00:43:15It's who you know.
00:43:17I mean, you can't hang about for another three years
00:43:19waiting to be discovered.
00:43:20You've got to get in now
00:43:21before you pass your cell-by date.
00:43:24No, no, no, you know what I mean.
00:43:25You know what I mean.
00:43:26I mean, this is your first opportunity.
00:43:29It could be your last.
00:43:31You've got to get in now while the going's good.
00:43:33She who dares wins.
00:43:38Well, I'll leave it up to you, Del,
00:43:40whatever you think best.
00:43:42All right, you do the coffee
00:43:43and I'll do the bizzo.
00:43:49Do you think it'll work?
00:43:50Yeah, of course it will be a piece of cake.
00:43:52They've been begging me to join their lodge for years
00:43:54but I've always given them a blank.
00:44:00Get out of there, Duke!
00:44:04Get out!
00:44:07Daddy will be cross!
00:44:11Maureen!
00:44:11That dog is in my aquarium again!
00:44:15I've told him to get out
00:44:17but he don't take any notice!
00:44:19He'll take some bloody notice
00:44:21when I put Piranha in there!
00:44:24You're the master of the earth!
00:44:25You get him out!
00:44:27Hello, this is Boyce.
00:44:29Here you are.
00:44:30Hello, Maureen.
00:44:31It's Del Boy.
00:44:31How are you, sweetheart?
00:44:32Oh, hello, Del.
00:44:34How's Trix?
00:44:35Never been better, as your man about.
00:44:36Yeah, unfortunately.
00:44:38I'll get him for you.
00:44:39Oh, Del, when you're finished,
00:44:41don't put the receiver down.
00:44:42I want to have a word with you
00:44:43about Albert's birthday.
00:44:46Oh, God.
00:44:47It's this Friday, innit?
00:44:50Ah, um...
00:44:50Raquel?
00:44:52Listen, uh...
00:44:53We've got a bit of a celebration
00:44:54going on this Friday.
00:44:55Do you fancy it?
00:44:56Not Friday.
00:44:57I'm at drama class.
00:44:59Oh, yeah.
00:45:00I mean, couldn't you knock it on the edge
00:45:01just for this week, like, you know...
00:45:03I'd like you to meet my family.
00:45:04Oh, honest, I can't.
00:45:05We're in the final rehearsal.
00:45:07Anyway, I'm no good at meeting families.
00:45:09I always say something stupid.
00:45:11You haven't met my family.
00:45:17Hello.
00:45:18Hello, Boyce.
00:45:19Del Boy.
00:45:20Yeah, listen.
00:45:21I want you to do me a very big favour.
00:45:24I want you to recommend me
00:45:26for membership to your Masonic Lodge.
00:45:28Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
00:45:31-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
00:45:31-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
00:45:34-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
00:45:46-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
00:45:47-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
00:45:47Doddle, one of my best friends, is a member.
00:45:49You. Oh.
00:45:51Oh, no, no, Dale, I couldn't
00:45:53possibly consider proposing someone like
00:45:55you. No, listen, Boise,
00:45:57I'd be a very good mason.
00:45:58You know, I can prove it. Masons are supposed to do
00:46:01each other favours, right? Well, you
00:46:03do me the favour of proposing me, and I'll
00:46:05do one for you. And what might that be?
00:46:07I won't tell Marlene about that little bird
00:46:09in Sheffield.
00:46:12You wouldn't. Try me.
00:46:15No, no, no, Dale,
00:46:17no, you may be many things, but you are
00:46:19not a grass. I don't think we've got anything
00:46:21else to say to each other. Bye for now.
00:46:23Don't I find out? I want to talk to him
00:46:25about Albert's birthday. Dale,
00:46:28what do you think he'd
00:46:29like for a present?
00:46:32Now, wait a minute,
00:46:33wait a minute. Yeah, I
00:46:35do know that he does like a bit of fishing,
00:46:37right? And he was talking about
00:46:39getting himself a proper angler's knife.
00:46:41But it must be made of
00:46:44Sheffield Steele.
00:46:45Sheffield?
00:46:46Yes, I find it!
00:46:54Yes, Boise.
00:46:55Thank you, boys.
00:46:56Thank you. Bye.
00:47:05Bye.
00:47:07Bye.
00:47:08Bye.
00:47:11I'm going to die for this end. I may not know.
00:47:27Look at that daft old twonk, look.
00:47:29Be grateful for small mercies. The Queen has two birthdays a year.
00:47:33That's true.
00:47:34Tell me. Promise me, mate.
00:47:36What can I do, Michael? You've given him too much to drink, haven't you?
00:47:39He's started to slur his words now.
00:47:41He's almost offended some of the ladies.
00:47:43What do you mean?
00:47:44Well, he wanted a rum and black.
00:47:46He ordered a bum and rack.
00:47:49You want to cross your fingers he doesn't fancy a buck's fizz, Michael.
00:47:55Come on then, tell us.
00:47:57Got it down at Boyce's Masonic Lois last night.
00:47:59Oh, yeah.
00:48:00Well, let's go down and meet the committee members, you know,
00:48:02and try and make a good impression, you know what I mean?
00:48:03Yeah?
00:48:04So, are you Mason then?
00:48:06No, no, no, no, not yet. The committee are discussing me this evening.
00:48:10Yeah, but as Boyce's said, there's always a chance that I could be blackballed.
00:48:14What's that?
00:48:14For the initiation ceremony?
00:48:16No, no, no, no, no.
00:48:18You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball.
00:48:24With the boat, they have to put one of their balls in the bag.
00:48:29Snooker balls!
00:48:29Yeah!
00:48:31And when I empty the bag, if all the balls are white,
00:48:34well, that's it, that's all right, that means you're in.
00:48:35If there's one black ball, just one, that's it, you're out, you know.
00:48:39Are you doing all this for Raquel?
00:48:42Yeah.
00:48:43Yeah.
00:48:44She's worth it, Rodney.
00:48:45I can't wait to meet her.
00:48:47Is she coming down here tonight?
00:48:48No, no, she can't, she's rehearsing.
00:48:49Yeah?
00:48:50What in?
00:48:52I don't know, a rehearsal room, I suppose.
00:48:54No, I mean, what play?
00:48:56How?
00:48:57I don't know, something, you know, deep and meaningful.
00:49:00One of them Russian jobs, most probably.
00:49:02What, the ones we don't watch on BBC Two?
00:49:04Chekhov, that sort of stuff.
00:49:05No, no.
00:49:06Those are the ones I never used to watch, but in them days, you see, I wasn't esoteric.
00:49:11No?
00:49:13No, but, you know, Raquel's taught me what's what.
00:49:15Oh, yeah.
00:49:16I mean, you stick me in front of the telly with a Singapore slinger ham sandwich and a bit of
00:49:20Chekhov,
00:49:20and I'm as happy as a Sandboy.
00:49:23Well, she's, she's good news, Rodney.
00:49:25I mean, she really is, you know.
00:49:26She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented.
00:49:29She's got a good pair of lungs on her and all.
00:49:31Yeah?
00:49:34Nice, I mean, she's got a good singing voice.
00:49:37I mean, she's got his voice, you see.
00:49:39A cross between that Kiri Tikwanama, and the little Tegu Ruti.
00:49:43Lovely.
00:49:44Oh, I just want a Dr. O, then.
00:49:46It is.
00:49:47It's Boisey.
00:49:48Boisey!
00:49:48Boisey, over here!
00:49:49Over here!
00:49:51Sit yourself down, Boisey.
00:49:54Have the committee come to a decision yet?
00:49:57Yes, Derek, and it is bad news.
00:50:00Well, it's bad news for you, at least.
00:50:02You were blackballed.
00:50:04Oh, no.
00:50:05No.
00:50:06Someone put a blackball in the bag?
00:50:08Who?
00:50:09When I emptied the bag, there was more than one blackball.
00:50:13Well, let's put it this way.
00:50:15Have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch?
00:50:18I'm sorry, Derek.
00:50:20I did my best.
00:50:25What am I going to tell Raquel now?
00:50:28Oh, look.
00:50:29If she's as talented as you say she is, she don't need you bribing some television director.
00:50:34Her talent will win through.
00:50:36No, you're right, Rodney.
00:50:37No, you're right, Rodney.
00:50:38Yeah.
00:50:39No, she's going to be a star one day, because she's got talent.
00:50:42All together now!
00:50:43She's more than you can say for that soppy old git.
00:50:46Awww!
00:50:48I've put the finger in the wolf-pecker's hole and the wolf-peck's...
00:50:51Oh, yes!
00:50:52Oh, no!
00:50:52Take it out!
00:50:53Take it out!
00:50:55Wiggle it, but we're moving!
00:50:58That was enough!
00:51:00Del, can't you chuck him in the back of the van and drive him home?
00:51:03Well, with that engine, you must be joking.
00:51:05It needed a walking brain to get down here tonight.
00:51:07Well, it was going all right the other day.
00:51:09Yeah, when was that?
00:51:10It was all day following him.
00:51:11Some of his mates were following him.
00:51:13Oh, yeah?
00:51:14Well, yeah, but the engine was well lumpy then, Del.
00:51:17Yeah, but it was kind of a fair old leg though, wasn't it?
00:51:19Yeah.
00:51:20Well, yeah, but it was making a terrible noise.
00:51:22Oh, hang on.
00:51:23What's this all about?
00:51:24Now, all together now!
00:51:26Awww!
00:51:27Albert Trotter!
00:51:31Able Seaman Albert Trotter.
00:51:33Oh, sir.
00:51:33Late of a Majesty's ship, Peerless.
00:51:36Aye, sir?
00:51:37I'm placing you under arrest.
00:51:40They're only nicking him, Lord!
00:51:42What's going on?
00:51:43You'll be taken to the Naval Stockade, Portsmouth,
00:51:45where you will await court-martial.
00:51:47But why?
00:51:50Dereliction of duty.
00:51:51November 19th, 1941,
00:51:53while serving with the Royal Pacific Fleet,
00:51:55you did wantonly abandon your watch duties,
00:51:57thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless,
00:52:00and causing considerable damage to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.
00:52:04But that was nearly 50 years ago.
00:52:07The original papers have only been discovered
00:52:08in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters Singapore.
00:52:12I couldn't understand a radar.
00:52:14It was all blibs and blobs.
00:52:16Are we in the charges, Petty Officer?
00:52:18Aye, aye, sir.
00:52:19Able Seaman Albert Trotter,
00:52:20you are hereby ordered by Her Majesty the Queen,
00:52:22by the High Lords of the Admiralty,
00:52:24and by all your friends and relatives
00:52:26to have a very happy birthday!
00:52:28Happy birthday!
00:52:30Happy birthday!
00:52:33Happy birthday!
00:52:34Happy birthday!
00:52:37Happy birthday!
00:52:38Happy birthday!
00:52:40This is your birthday tonight?
00:52:42Yes!
00:52:44Imagine one of those shippers there
00:52:45in the local favourite.
00:52:47I've done him up like a giver!
00:52:48Look at the old socks face!
00:52:50Anyway, I'll get him with his you, Terry!
00:52:57RACHEL!
00:52:59RACHEL!
00:52:59RACHEL!
00:53:00I like you!
00:53:09RACHEL!
00:53:10RACHEL!
00:53:13RACHEL!
00:53:14RACHEL!
00:53:14Is this the actress
00:53:16you've been telling us so much about?
00:53:19RACHEL!
00:53:21RACHEL!
00:53:22That's not Raquel!
00:53:24RACHEL!
00:53:27RACHEL!
00:53:29RACHEL!
00:53:30RACHEL!
00:53:31RACHEL!
00:53:32RACHEL!
00:53:33RACHEL!
00:53:34RACHEL!
00:53:35RACHEL!
00:54:04RACHEL!
00:54:04RACHEL!
00:54:04RACHEL!
00:54:05RACHEL!
00:54:09RACHEL!
00:54:12RACHEL!
00:54:13RACHEL!
00:54:14RACHEL!
00:54:14RACHEL!
00:54:16RACHEL!
00:54:18RACHEL!
00:54:20RACHEL!
00:54:21RACHEL!
00:54:22RACHEL!
00:54:22RACHEL!
00:54:22RACHEL!
00:54:22RACHEL!
00:54:23RACHEL!
00:54:24RACHEL!
00:54:27RACHEL!
00:54:30RACHEL!
00:54:31I went to Strip-a-Gram.
00:54:33I did not know it was her because I did not know that she did that for a living.
00:54:37I thought she was an actress because that is what she said she was.
00:54:40Instead, she goes round pubs dressed in stockings and suspender belts,
00:54:43flashing her frockly bits at blokes.
00:54:46What's some worry about it, though?
00:54:48I don't think very many people noticed.
00:54:51Anyway, what about a few years ago when you used to go out with that bird Monique?
00:54:54Now, she used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on.
00:54:57She was a lifeguard.
00:55:00Well, yeah, all right.
00:55:06Del!
00:55:08Wait a minute!
00:55:11Look, I won't talk to him yet, love.
00:55:12Just leave him. He'll calm down in a year or two.
00:55:15You lied to me!
00:55:17No, I didn't!
00:55:19I never told you I wasn't a stripper.
00:55:22And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
00:55:24I've just found out your name is Trotter.
00:55:26You told me you were called Derek Duval.
00:55:34And you didn't tell me you were a market trader.
00:55:37And I suppose this is the Ferrari.
00:55:43All right, so I might occasionally tell the old porky or two.
00:55:47Well, I'll tell you something I don't do.
00:55:49I don't go round pubs dressed in stockings and suspenders flashing my boobs at geezers.
00:55:53Do I, Rodney?
00:55:56No, he's never done anything.
00:56:00Oh, Del, please listen to me.
00:56:02I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons.
00:56:05I mean, where do you think I found the money to live on?
00:56:07Oh, I don't know. I thought you was living on the old rock and roll or something.
00:56:11No, I'm not on the doll.
00:56:12I pay for my own way in this world.
00:56:15I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living.
00:56:17This may come as a surprise to you, but I don't bloody like it either.
00:56:21Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family.
00:56:23Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on.
00:56:26I've got blackball for you.
00:56:28I'm sorry.
00:56:29But before you start moralising too much, just remember one thing.
00:56:32You booked me for this evening.
00:56:34I didn't know it would be you.
00:56:35Oh, so it'd be all right for you and he makes delir and lust over a stranger?
00:56:38Yes.
00:56:40No.
00:56:41Oh, I don't know.
00:56:44Look.
00:56:46This is probably a daft question, but...
00:56:48Do you want to see me any more?
00:56:53Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart.
00:56:56But next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters.
00:57:11There was no need to say that to, Adil.
00:57:15I know there wasn't.
00:57:18And I wish I hadn't.
00:57:22Like most things in my life,
00:57:25it's too bloody late.
00:57:33That's all right.
00:57:56Fancy a bit of a walk, anyway.
00:58:14Is that true, then?
00:58:16What's watching?
00:58:17All these rumours I've been hearing about you falling in love with some stripper.
00:58:21Oh, leave it out, Sid.
00:58:23I wasn't in love with her.
00:58:24I was just, you know, looking about with her.
00:58:26You know what I mean?
00:58:27That's what I thought.
00:58:28I told them.
00:58:29That old boy wouldn't get serious.
00:58:30They were some tart.
00:58:32No, of course not.
00:58:33I don't think I am.
00:58:33Some sort of wally.
00:58:36A cup of tea, please, Sid.
00:58:38All right?
00:58:41Oh, what's up with you now?
00:58:44Is it the 175 quid repair bill for the van?
00:58:50Is it her?
00:58:51Her?
00:58:53Raquel.
00:58:55I've never known anyone called Raquel.
00:59:00Oh, right.
00:59:02Oi!
00:59:03You coming down to Coaching Horses tonight?
00:59:04They've got a stri...
00:59:08Comedian.
00:59:11No, I don't think so, Robbie.
00:59:13I'll stay in and watch a bit of telly.
00:59:15Someone of them Chekhov plays on BBC Two.
00:59:19They're all cobblers.
00:59:27Raquel!
00:59:28What a lovely surprise.
00:59:32Look who's here, Dale.
00:59:37You've got time for a cup of tea?
00:59:38No.
00:59:38No.
00:59:39I don't know.
00:59:40Have I got time for a cup of tea?
00:59:42Well, that's a free country.
00:59:45Hey, I see.
00:59:46I told you he'd mellow after a bit.
00:59:49Well, I've got to go somewhere to...
00:59:53Well, I've got to go somewhere.
00:59:55Here, my tea.
01:00:03Oi, Rodney!
01:00:05Hello, Mrs Samson.
01:00:06What did you do to my nearest?
01:00:08Did she come in shaking like the leaves wires?
01:00:10Did she want?
01:00:10I'd well known, Mrs Samson.
01:00:12It was some yachts.
01:00:14What sort of week have you had?
01:00:16Blind, didn't you?
01:00:18Rotten.
01:00:19It's a tough old world, isn't it?
01:00:21Tougher than I ever imagined.
01:00:26I've, um...
01:00:26I've resigned from the stripper-grown agency.
01:00:29Oh, good.
01:00:30I've signed on a doll.
01:00:31It's a step up the ladder, innit?
01:00:34Why didn't you tell me what you did for a living?
01:00:36Why didn't you let me find out like that?
01:00:37You don't think I wanted you to find out in that way, do you?
01:00:40Look, that night I took a job to give birthday greetings
01:00:43to someone called Albert Trotter.
01:00:44It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter.
01:00:47Now, if I'd known your real name,
01:00:48I would have realised it was you and not taken the job.
01:00:51You still didn't tell me what you did for a living.
01:00:53I was hoping there'd be no need to.
01:00:55After I met you and I realised we were...
01:01:00Coming close.
01:01:01I'd planned to pack the whole stripper-grown business in.
01:01:03Then you'd have been none the wiser.
01:01:05Just didn't work out that way.
01:01:09I thought I knew you.
01:01:11Knew nothing.
01:01:14Your disguises and secrets.
01:01:17Sorry.
01:01:21I'm going on a tour.
01:01:23Yeah?
01:01:24But it's a mystery one.
01:01:26No, it's no mystery.
01:01:27An agent called me a couple of days ago.
01:01:29Could be helpful to my career.
01:01:31Cushty.
01:01:32You won't have to worry about bumping into me.
01:01:35It's a tour of the Middle East.
01:01:36The Middle East?
01:01:38Didn't know they went in for all that Uncle Vanya
01:01:40and run for your wife stuff.
01:01:42No, it's not a play.
01:01:43It's a review.
01:01:44Dancing, that sort of thing.
01:01:47I'll use your noddle, Raquel.
01:01:50You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers.
01:01:53You'll end up as a hostess in some...
01:01:55topless dive in the Casbah.
01:01:57No, it's an official tour.
01:01:58All above board.
01:02:00You'll probably get kidnapped and end up in a Harlem.
01:02:06That's what you want.
01:02:07It's not what I want.
01:02:08It's not the best thing.
01:02:12It's a shame the two of us couldn't have been more honest with each other.
01:02:15Look, I was straight with you.
01:02:17Oh, all right, all right.
01:02:18Sorry.
01:02:19I call myself Duval.
01:02:20What's wrong with that?
01:02:21That's nothing, is it?
01:02:22I mean, it's just a joke.
01:02:23I didn't tell you any other lies.
01:02:25Help!
01:02:27What's he want?
01:02:28Maybe it's another call from your New York office.
01:02:49Del, I just want to say thanks.
01:02:53For lots of things.
01:02:56Being the only man I've ever met who wanted me to keep my clothes on.
01:02:59For getting yourself blackboard for me.
01:03:02For giving me back some self-esteem.
01:03:06I used to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, oh, are you again?
01:03:11After I met you, I used to wake up and think, great.
01:03:15Another day.
01:03:17You're gonna be somebody.
01:03:19This time next year, I'll be famous.
01:03:24Thanks for that.
01:03:32Raquel.
01:03:35Would you like a piece of my fried bread?
01:03:46Are you leaving?
01:03:48Tomorrow afternoon.
01:03:50I've got a cab coming at 12.
01:03:52It's taking me to Waterloo Station.
01:03:55It's ironic, isn't it?
01:03:59It doesn't have to be the end.
01:04:01We could still go and see each other.
01:04:04Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show.
01:04:07I mean, I don't have to go.
01:04:09You said you'd already agreed to it.
01:04:11If I'm not there, I'm not there.
01:04:13They'll have to find a replacement.
01:04:15Shouldn't be that difficult. Thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this.
01:04:22I don't know what to say, sweetheart.
01:04:25It's taking you a bit by surprise.
01:04:28I've done all my thinking and I know what I want.
01:04:31If you want me to stay, then I will.
01:04:33And I'm not talking about any heavy commitment like marriage or even living together.
01:04:38We could just be there for each other.
01:04:43Think about it, won't you?
01:04:46Yeah, of course I will.
01:04:48If you like the idea, just be at my flat tomorrow.
01:04:53If not, I'll understand.
01:04:57Yeah.
01:04:59Just need a bit of time, that's all.
01:05:04Okay.
01:05:06Thanks for the fried bread.
01:05:09I'll see you.
01:05:11Maybe.
01:05:28You've got to be honest, Rodney, it was funny at the time, mate.
01:05:31Yeah, well, Del didn't seem to think so.
01:05:33No, well, he wouldn't, would he?
01:05:36Del's been taking it all very well, as it happens.
01:05:39Yeah, well, we'll have to take your word for that, Rodney.
01:05:41It's because he ain't been in here since.
01:05:42Yeah, well, he had a bit of thinking to do last night.
01:05:44He's got a sort of decision to make.
01:05:46What's that?
01:05:46Whether they're just paying the bill for the stripper gram agency?
01:05:50Mark, you're getting banged out of order on me.
01:06:00Morning, all.
01:06:01Same again for Rodney.
01:06:03Singapore sling for me.
01:06:05Some more rum for Elton John over there.
01:06:07Better take one for yourself, Michael.
01:06:09Cheers, Del.
01:06:15So, what are you doing?
01:06:18Well, I've been thinking about her all night last night, Rodney.
01:06:21She's had a tough old life, you know.
01:06:23Her old man was a right rough house.
01:06:24All the other blokes that she's known before that were no better.
01:06:27You know, she's had nothing but bad luck.
01:06:30Then she met me.
01:06:33Bloody hell, life's a bitch, isn't it?
01:06:39Then he's when her luck changed, Rodney.
01:06:42Oh.
01:06:43Well, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant.
01:06:45Yeah, of course.
01:06:47I mean, you know, I've always been bad luck to women.
01:06:49No, you ain't.
01:06:51No, I have, I have.
01:06:52Thanks, Mark.
01:06:53I was thinking back last night to all the birds that I've known, you know.
01:06:57Yeah.
01:06:59I've brought them all nothing but bad luck.
01:07:02I'm a bit like that Little Joe.
01:07:06Little Joe?
01:07:08Yeah, you know, in Bonanza, Little Joe.
01:07:10You ain't, Del, you're nothing like him.
01:07:14No, not in looks.
01:07:15I mean, he's an ugly looking git.
01:07:18No, but I mean, you know, whenever you watch an episode of Bonanza, you know,
01:07:21and that Little Joe falls in love with a woman, you know she is gonna die.
01:07:26I mean, as soon as he starts strongin' it with a salt,
01:07:29you can guarantee that she's either gonna catch the fever,
01:07:32get trampled underfoot in a stand beat,
01:07:34or the Indians are gonna have her.
01:07:37That's not gonna happen to Raquel.
01:07:40No, no one.
01:07:42No, I thought about it last night.
01:07:43I thought, I thought to myself,
01:07:45whatever happens, Raquel is not gonna end up full of arrows.
01:07:50What do I do? I came round here.
01:07:51I thought I'd give myself a couple of quick liveners,
01:07:53and then I'm gonna go round to her flat.
01:07:55Yeah, well done, Del.
01:07:56You snuff what the other's been, eh?
01:07:58That's right, right, that's right.
01:07:59Thank you, Rodney, you stuck by me.
01:08:01You were a diamond.
01:08:02Now, get off, will you?
01:08:03No, no, you are.
01:08:05I'll never forget that.
01:08:07You did laugh at the time, though, didn't you?
01:08:09Yeah, but I didn't laugh at the time.
01:08:10No!
01:08:13So this is all serious stuff, then?
01:08:14Hmm?
01:08:15Well, no, no, I mean, you're not, no.
01:08:16Talking about marriage and nothing like that,
01:08:18even talking about living together, it's just a...
01:08:21No, well, just...
01:08:23Just gonna be there for each other.
01:08:24Come on.
01:08:26Cheers.
01:08:27Cheers, Rodney.
01:08:29All the best, then.
01:08:30Cheers.
01:08:40You can imagine how I felt, can't you?
01:08:42I felt like a right dipstick.
01:08:44Listen, Del, I know we all had a laugh at you,
01:08:46but no offence.
01:08:47It's all right, mate.
01:08:48None take it.
01:08:49It's all forgotten about now, all right?
01:08:50I thought Albert spit well,
01:08:51although he did threaten to get even with you.
01:08:53Oh, yeah, well, Del ain't eating a thing
01:08:55Albert's cooked ever since.
01:08:57If you're talking about Albert,
01:08:58take that rum over for him, will you, Rodney?
01:09:00Yeah.
01:09:02Mmm!
01:09:03What's the time?
01:09:04I've got a time.
01:09:04I'm supposed to be around Rat Girls by noon.
01:09:06Yeah, give her my love, won't you, Del?
01:09:07Tell her to pop in for a drink one night, eh?
01:09:09Yeah, I will, Mark. Cheers.
01:09:10Here you go, Albert.
01:09:12So has he reached the decision?
01:09:14Yeah.
01:09:14He's going round to her flat in a minute.
01:09:16Oh, God.
01:09:17She wouldn't have been actually touring round
01:09:19the Middle East.
01:09:20I never liked it over there.
01:09:23Did I tell you about that time I was in Cairo?
01:09:25Yes, you must go there, Albert.
01:09:27You must go.
01:09:31Oh, God.
01:09:34What's up, Rodney?
01:09:35I've got to go, right?
01:09:36I've got to go.
01:09:40Lum, you want to clean your pipes out a bit, mate?
01:09:43I've got to go right through, mate.
01:09:46Anyway, listen, I must be off.
01:09:47I'll see you.
01:09:48Cheers, sir.
01:09:48Ta-ta.
01:09:49Is your name Trotter?
01:09:52Yes, that's my name.
01:09:53That's me, yes.
01:09:54Is that your yellow van out there?
01:09:56What, the one with Trotter written on the side?
01:09:59Yes, that's mine.
01:10:00Well, a couple of weeks ago, a yellow three-wheel van,
01:10:03very similar to yours, shot the light between Lewisham Hill
01:10:05and Woodford Lane.
01:10:06We're in the process of questioning the owners of all such vehicles.
01:10:10Oh, well, look no further, officers.
01:10:14It was me.
01:10:15It's a fair cop.
01:10:16I've done it.
01:10:24You disappoint me, Uncle.
01:10:28Mr Trotter.
01:10:29Yes?
01:10:29Either you are not taking this very seriously
01:10:31or you don't understand the full implications of your last statement.
01:10:36Look, come on, darling.
01:10:37Look, I'm a bit pushed for time, so, you know, can we get on with it?
01:10:40What do you mean?
01:10:40Well, you know what I mean.
01:10:41Come on, hurry up.
01:10:43Come on, get them off!
01:10:44Come on!
01:10:56I would have thought you would have come up with something a bit more riddle over there, Uncle.
01:11:00It's got nothing to do with me, son.
01:11:02It wasn't anything to do with you.
01:11:04It's... what?
01:11:08Oh, my God.
01:11:10Permission.
01:11:12I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China
01:11:20All to myself
01:11:23No, no, please, please, I've got to meet someone at noon, please.
01:11:27You are going to meet someone at noon?
01:11:28Oh, best sergeant.
01:11:29A very nice man, and I'm sure you two will get on like a house on fire.
01:11:31Come on, leave all your lovers
01:11:40Look, look, can you take me round to Harrington Road?
01:11:43I've got to meet someone.
01:11:44He's left here.
01:11:45Yeah.
01:11:46If you could just go, if you...
01:11:48Oh, thanks very much.
01:11:50Ow.
01:11:52You're melting your heart of stone
01:12:00I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China
01:12:05Can I at least use your phone?
01:12:07Could I have one phone call?
01:12:08Thanks.
01:12:09What's the time?
01:12:09Twenty to one, my son.
01:12:11Oh, that's horrific.
01:12:12You don't know the code for Addis Ababa, do you?
01:12:15APPLAUSE