- 23 hours ago
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00:02Oi, Albert!
00:04Come on, a cup of tea out here for you.
00:07Alright, I'm done.
00:08Alright.
00:08Kevin Rose from Cheltenham wants to say hi to Pat Lodge
00:12and all the guys who've been playing cheat all night
00:14and they still haven't come up with a winner.
00:16That sounds most entertaining.
00:45Here we are.
00:48Right, now then.
00:49Here we go.
00:50Here we are, sweetheart.
00:52There's nothing like a nice cup of Darjeeling to start the day.
00:54That's my motto.
00:55Thanks.
00:59So, what are you up to today, then?
01:01Oh, nothing much.
01:02I'm just going to sit around and try and learn news.
01:04I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place.
01:06I'll never get the part anyway.
01:08Hey, come on, you're giving up before you've even started.
01:10You don't know how nervous I get at auditions.
01:12Oh, you'll be terrific.
01:15Remember the old saying?
01:16Eh?
01:17She who dares...
01:20...wings.
01:22You say so, Dar.
01:24Yep.
01:24You know, you're the only one who's ever really given me any encouragement.
01:27My ex-husband used to laugh at me.
01:30To him, ambition, dreams and wonderful things were a waste of time.
01:33Yeah.
01:34Never lose sight of your dreams, sweetheart.
01:36That's what I've always said, never lose sight of your dreams.
01:39Do you know, when I was 18, I said by the time I was 21, I was going to be
01:42a millionaire.
01:44Really?
01:44Yeah.
01:45Yeah.
01:45Then when I was 21, I said, I'll be a millionaire by the time I was 30.
01:48And then when I was 30...
01:50Do you want to change me, Dodger?
01:53Lovely.
01:56I've never told anyone this, but do you remember when I was in America for a while?
01:59Mm-hmm.
02:00Well, while I was there, they were putting on AIDA at the Met.
02:03Mm-hmm.
02:03So I applied for a part in it.
02:05I didn't get it.
02:06There were union problems and I wasn't very good.
02:08For a while, my head was filled with big theatres.
02:11You know, New York, Broadway, all that.
02:18Stupid.
02:19No!
02:19Not stupid at all, sweetheart.
02:20Not stupid at all.
02:21Of course, you had a go, didn't you?
02:23That's the most important thing.
02:24You had a go.
02:25Anyway, I reckon it was all for the best.
02:28How?
02:30Well, AIDA at the Met.
02:32I can't see you playing a policewoman.
02:39Perhaps you're right.
02:40Although, I wouldn't have had to do much research.
02:42My husband was a policeman.
02:44Good.
02:45He was a cop.
02:47Good.
02:47Penny.
02:48Yeah, didn't I ever say it?
02:49No, you did not.
02:49You never told me that.
02:51Oh, dear.
02:54You've seen much of him?
02:55You've seen him at all?
02:55No, I haven't seen him for years and years.
02:57Why?
02:58Me?
02:58Nothing.
02:59No, I'm just curious, that's all.
03:00Just curious.
03:01Oh, dear.
03:03You never told me that.
03:05You better explain yourself.
03:07Here.
03:07Oh.
03:08Am I interrupting anything?
03:09No.
03:11Oh, well.
03:12Better luck next time.
03:13All right, see you later.
03:14Yeah, all right.
03:15Hey, listen.
03:16I'm going round your flat this morning.
03:17Through your front door.
03:18Now, have you seen Cassandra since she got back?
03:20No.
03:21Why don't you ask to meet her?
03:22Talk things over quietly between yourselves.
03:24Well, if she wants to make the first move, fine.
03:26Other than that, any time.
03:28Well, is there a message that I can give her from you?
03:31Yeah, say, I still have their stuff.
03:35Their stuff?
03:36That's a ball-in-the-bag curry, innit?
03:38That's honest.
03:41Ball-in-the-bag curry.
03:43I thought it was.
03:53You didn't do any shopping today, then, Albert?
03:55No, that cup of tea I had this morning made me feel a bit rough.
04:01I thought you were doing a shopping there.
04:04I've been to lunch with my agent.
04:06With some egg and bacon in the fridge.
04:08Dale doesn't like fried food.
04:09No, yeah.
04:11Well, I'm sorry.
04:12It'll have to be egg and bacon.
04:13Oh, well.
04:14That's the way it goes.
04:15Four rashes for me, please.
04:17Hello.
04:19Oh, by the way.
04:20Here, when's that audition of yours?
04:21It's tomorrow.
04:22Tomorrow.
04:22I'm auditioning for Rosalind.
04:24What should you do?
04:25The part of Rosalind.
04:27I've got to learn the whole of Act 3 scene, too, by tomorrow morning.
04:29I mean, how the hell am I going to do that?
04:31Don't worry about that.
04:32I'll help you.
04:33How do you mean?
04:34I'll rehearse with you.
04:34I'll read all the other parts, so you can get used to it.
04:37You?
04:38Yes, me.
04:39I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school.
04:41Bloody good I was and all.
04:42Yeah.
04:43All right, then.
04:43Thanks.
04:44I'll get the dinner off.
04:45Here.
04:46You used to act at school?
04:47Oh, yeah.
04:48I was in the nativity play.
04:50Yeah.
04:51Played the landlord.
04:54You should have seen me.
04:55There was little Del Boy, you know, strutting about.
04:57And then there was a knock at the door, like, you know.
04:59Someone answered the door, says,
05:00I'm sorry, there's no room at the inn.
05:03And then old Joseph likely persuaded me to let him kip in the stable.
05:07I tried to charge him one and six foot a night.
05:10I got the cane for that.
05:11Yeah.
05:12Those were the days, weren't they?
05:14Those were the days.
05:14Hey.
05:15No, no.
05:15No.
05:16Ring the doorbell.
05:18Ring the doorbell.
05:19You got the cane?
05:20No.
05:20Just ring the doorbell.
05:22All right.
05:27No.
05:30No.
05:31No.
05:32No.
05:34No.
05:35No.
05:36No.
05:37No, what is that thing?
05:39Brilliant, innit?
05:40Brilliant.
05:40It's my musical door chimes there.
05:42Do you know they play 36 different national anthems.
05:4436? You are kidding, aren't you?
05:47I ain't kidding, Raquel. I can see it in his eyes.
05:50How do you know they're genuine national anthems?
05:52Because they're written on the box here. What can't speak, can't lie.
05:55I've seen up in the Olympic Games. I ain't heard half the tunes this giant place.
05:58Yeah, I know, but how many gold medals has Fiji and Borneo won?
06:02But you see, if they had, you know, in the Olympics, pearl diving and put in the shrunken head,
06:09you would have heard their national anthems, wouldn't you?
06:13Yeah, talking of shrunken heads, Rodney, I want a word with you.
06:17Yeah, what is it?
06:19Listen to me, I was round your place today, right, sitting at the new front door,
06:22and I had a little chat with Cassandra, and I think she's had a change of heart.
06:26Oh, yeah? What makes you think that?
06:27Well, because I had a little chat with her, and she said to me that she still loves you very,
06:34very deeply.
06:36Cassandra said that?
06:36Mm-hmm. Yeah, so much so that she, well, she asked me to ask you if you'd be prepared to
06:43meet her tonight.
06:44Where?
06:45Well, I don't know, some, where is it, some little, uh, little, uh, restaurant whopping way, I think it is,
06:50I don't know.
06:51Well, that's not Cassandra's writing.
06:52That's my writing, that is, isn't it?
06:54I mean, she just told me I wrote it down on a bit of paper, that's all.
06:57There you go, what do you reckon? What do you reckon, then, eh?
06:59Yeah.
07:00Well, because, you know, I ain't got nothing better to do.
07:02No, good boy, lovely jubbly.
07:04I actually don't think she can buy me a bottle of wine and walk straight back in my lifetime.
07:07No.
07:08I don't think she means that, Rodney, I don't think she does, because I think she wants to woo again.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Anyway, she booked the table for 7.30, right, so look at the time now, come on, you better get
07:18your skates on.
07:19Yeah, I better have a shower.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Thanks, Bill.
07:22What are you thanking me for? I was just a messenger boy, wasn't I?
07:25I feel sort of nervous.
07:27Nervous? What are you going to be nervous about? She's your wife.
07:30Yeah.
07:31Yeah, I'll just be myself, eh?
07:32No, try to make an impression, Rodney.
07:35Yeah, yeah, you're right.
07:38Right, what, are you going out tonight, then?
07:39Yeah, I've got to go down to Nags Head, because Mike and Trigger want to buy one of my musical
07:43doorbells.
07:44Oh.
07:45Would you want me to drop it off at the pub on my way out?
07:46No, no, no, I've got to go, Rodney.
07:48I mean, I've got to go, because at the moment, Mike and Trigger don't know they want to buy one
07:51of my musical doorbells.
07:53Yeah, no, no, come in back, and I'm going to help Raquel rehearse her play.
07:56Oh, yeah?
07:56Hmm.
07:58You are rehearsing a play?
07:59Yeah.
08:00Yeah, Raquel's up for some audition.
08:02That's right.
08:03One of Shakespeare's famous plays.
08:05And you are rehearsing it with her?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Oh, can't you do it now before I go out?
08:12No.
08:12Oh, please, I could do with a lot.
08:15You know, I see how it's all done.
08:17You don't understand, Rodney, you don't understand, do you, eh?
08:19I mean, you can't expect an actress of Raquel's collider just to start rehearsing out of drop of an act.
08:24No.
08:25She's got to search for her character, you see, and it's all about motivation.
08:31It's all about thought and sensitivity.
08:34And that takes time, Rodney.
08:36See, that takes time.
08:39And apart from that, she's only just put the rushers in the pan.
08:56Brilliant, isn't it, eh?
08:57Brilliant.
08:58No more of that Avon calling cobblers.
09:01You know, Miss Farty, you know the old stars and stripes.
09:03You expect me to have one of them things on my front door?
09:05You're keen, I can tell.
09:06Del, they are cheap and tacky.
09:09I've got one on my front door.
09:12You most probably have.
09:13You need a brain bypass to have one of them things, don't you?
09:16How much are you selling them for, Del?
09:20Well, funny you should say that, Treat, because they normally retail at £36,
09:25but you can have it for £13.50, including that system fitting.
09:30Go on in, I'll have one.
09:31Good boy, you know it makes sense.
09:35Oh, my God.
09:36I thought you'd banned laughing in this pub.
09:38Yeah.
09:39With that sort, I have.
09:40See them two blokes over there?
09:42Yeah.
09:42They've been plying her with drinks since six o'clock.
09:44I think they're a bit fed up with it now, really.
09:47Oh, God.
09:48Would you call her a cab?
09:51Yeah, something like that.
09:53No, no.
09:54Would you phone for a minicab?
09:55The lady wants to go to Battersea.
09:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:58You leave that to me, mate.
09:59You see, I've got an understanding with British Telecom.
10:01I make a phone call and they charge me for it.
10:05I'm sorry.
10:06I apologise for him, sir.
10:07It's his religion.
10:09He's an orthodox tight arse.
10:13How's it going, Tricky?
10:14All right.
10:15Well, we're down to my sister's house at a weekend.
10:17It was her 47th birthday.
10:19Oh, yeah.
10:21Wait a minute.
10:21Hang on.
10:22Your sister's five years younger than you.
10:24That'd make her 39.
10:26I know.
10:26But she's a typical woman.
10:28She lies about her age.
10:33That's a family.
10:34Oh, mustard, mustard.
10:36Raquel's boning up for an audition for a new play.
10:38It's As United by Shakespeare.
10:40Yeah?
10:41Yeah.
10:41Will it be on telly?
10:42No, no, no.
10:43Not this particular one.
10:44It won't probably be in a West End or something like that.
10:46I hope she don't change.
10:48Raquel, why should she change?
10:49Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors.
10:51And the next thing you know, they've changed.
10:53No, not my Raquel.
10:55My sister went out with an actor once.
10:57We played a cat in Puss and Boots.
11:00She suddenly thought she was more intelligent than the rest of the family.
11:04Yeah, but if you remember, Trigg, you had the same problem with your goldfish, didn't you?
11:10Work it out, Trigg.
11:11I'll be back in a minute.
11:14Oh, sweetheart.
11:16Excuse me.
11:18How are you?
11:20How's the little baby?
11:21Oh, he's lovely.
11:23He's up there with Boyce.
11:25Oh, yeah.
11:25Hello, Boycey.
11:26Good evening, Derek.
11:27Yeah, just saying hello to Marlene.
11:29Yes, I notice you approaching my wife and shaking her warmly by the Aris.
11:34Shut up, you miserable old sod.
11:36He's just having a laugh.
11:37Yeah, he's just having a giggle, that's all.
11:39Yeah, come on, let me buy a drink.
11:40What do you want?
11:40I'll have a large cognac.
11:42Marlene will have an orange juice.
11:43She's just about to drive my son back home.
11:45Okay.
11:46Michael, can I have a small orange, small cognac and my special, please?
11:50Hey, Bill, look.
11:51I've got some pictures of the baby here.
11:53Oh, are you?
11:53Look.
11:54Oh, he's a champion, isn't he, sweetheart?
11:56Yes, he's got my eyes, hasn't he?
11:58No, his eyes are all warm and smiley.
12:01So are mine.
12:03My mum always said you had vampire eyes.
12:06Yeah, well, she should know the old bat.
12:10No, no, no, no, no.
12:12I'll tell you what, though.
12:12He's got my eyes.
12:13Definitely my eyes.
12:14What are you...
12:15Oh, look at that.
12:16I never noticed that.
12:16Mikey's got your mouth locked.
12:18That is your mouth locked.
12:20That is Rodney's nose, if ever I've seen that.
12:25What are you saying?
12:27I mean, honest, I mean, what are you talking about?
12:29I ain't talking to Rodney.
12:30How is he now?
12:31Oh, he's all right, sweetheart.
12:32He's fine.
12:33Yeah, he's taking Cassandra out tonight, you know, trying to patch things up.
12:36Oh, good.
12:37I suppose you've missed him, eh, Del?
12:39Mm, good.
12:40Rodney.
12:41Oh.
12:41I mean, you must have missed him when he left your partnership.
12:45Oh, yeah.
12:45I miss him like George Michael, Mrs Andrew Ridgley.
12:49Oh.
12:54Oh, it might be a minute, it might be a minute, Del.
12:58Don't worry, Charlie.
12:59My money's coming.
13:01That's the right.
13:03That woman is as soppy as a lorry load of monkeys.
13:07You know, I got home this evening and discovered some salesman's flogged her a doorbell that plays 36 national anthem.
13:14I've got one of them.
13:16Yes, I'd have put money on that trip.
13:19The difference is, I live in a mock Georgian mansion on Kings Avenue.
13:23And our neighbours are not going to appreciate being awoken by the sound of long-lived Swaziland every time the
13:28milkman calls.
13:30Oh, he still calls round then, doesn't he?
13:33My phone now, boys.
13:34Don't be too late.
13:35No, I'll be about an hour.
13:37You'll know it's me.
13:37I'll play Mexico forever on the front door.
13:42Wave goodbye to you, Daddy.
14:00Wave goodbye to you, Daddy.
14:15Wave goodbye to you, Daddy.
14:18So, how was Spain?
14:20Oh, you know, okay.
14:23Good.
14:25Did you do anything interesting?
14:26No, not really.
14:27It was just Mummy and I at the villa.
14:30To be honest, it was a bit boring.
14:31Can you imagine?
14:35No, I didn't mean being in your mother's company was boring, because she's not a boring person.
14:39I know what you meant.
14:41Good.
14:43Excuse me.
14:44Do you want a glass or something?
14:46I have the same as you.
14:46Well, it's mineral water.
14:48That makes a nice change.
14:49I heard you'd been drinking heavily.
14:54Heavily.
14:55Silly.
14:57Can I have a glass of mineral water, please?
15:00I think your father was exaggerating slightly, Cassandra.
15:03Daddy didn't tell me it was Del.
15:06Yeah, well, maybe I did go a bit overboard, you know, when we left each other.
15:11You mean when you left me?
15:13Same thing.
15:14No, it isn't.
15:15I didn't go anywhere, Roddy.
15:17I was at the flat waiting for you.
15:19You just didn't come home.
15:21Yeah, well, we came here to discuss these things, didn't we?
15:24Not to argue.
15:24You started it.
15:25I didn't.
15:28I came home when you was on holiday, and I found you'd changed the locks on the front door.
15:32Yeah, well, I should have told you.
15:33But that was no reason to kick the door in.
15:35I didn't kick the door in.
15:37I just sort of...
15:38Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
15:42Why did you go back there?
15:44I wanted to surprise you.
15:45You did surprise me.
15:46I didn't expect to come home to find my husband had kicked the front door in.
15:56Look, I've got just as much right to enter that flat as you, Cassandra.
15:59We have got a joint mortgage, remember, from the bank.
16:03And what about that girl you took out?
16:06I didn't take any girl out.
16:08You asked a girl out?
16:09That was just to make you jealous.
16:11It was a stupid idea, and I never went through with it.
16:14Although at this moment in time, it strikes me as being one of my better moves.
16:18But this is obviously going to be a total waste of a good evening.
16:21Just think of all the more interesting things I could be doing, like washing my hair.
16:25And what about me?
16:26I passed up the chance to watch Del rehearse a Shakespeare play.
16:30People would pay a fortune for something like that, and I'd have had it for nothing.
16:33I came here this evening hoping that you and I could find some common ground on which to base our
16:37future.
16:38But it's pointless.
16:40I'm glad I found out this early on in our marriage what you're really like.
16:43Your drinking, your bouts of violence.
16:46God, I can just imagine my future with someone like you.
16:49You really are the silliest, pettiest, most childish person I ever had the misfortune to marry.
16:56You fancy me, don't you?
16:59No, I don't.
17:02Yes, you do.
17:03Give me a little slut, you.
17:05I hate you.
17:07I wanted this to be serious.
17:09I wanted to really tear into you.
17:11Oh, so that's why you asked to meet me?
17:12I asked to meet you.
17:14You must be joking, Roddy.
17:15You're the one that did the asking.
17:17No, they'll come home and he said you'd asked to meet me.
17:20And you'd suggested this venue.
17:22Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you.
17:25He said you wanted to meet in this res...
17:29Del.
17:31Del.
17:35Cute.
17:39So now what do we do?
17:41I don't know.
17:48Fancy showing me your tan?
17:49Yeah.
17:51Can I take you all the same?
17:53No, I've lost my appetite.
17:55Same here.
18:00That's the new key.
18:02I've got to go round to Mummy and Daddy's.
18:03I've left some of my clothes at their house.
18:06Won't be too long, will you?
18:07About an hour or so.
18:09Do you remember your way home?
18:11I remember.
18:12In case you get confused, we've got a new front door.
18:19Well, I'll see you in bed in about half an hour.
18:23Simply.
18:36I'm going to have trouble with that one, Michael.
18:40Yeah, don't I know it.
18:41The sooner that minicab arrives, the better.
18:45Disgusting, isn't it?
18:45It's disgusting.
18:46I like a lady to be a lady, you know what I mean?
18:49I can't stand a woman being drunk, staggering around a pub, dropping her crisps all over
18:52the place, you know what I mean?
18:53I remember your mum.
18:57Who have you been by that treat?
18:59She was a lady, wasn't she?
19:01Oh.
19:01Oh, yeah.
19:03My mum was a lady, you know.
19:06Do you know she was the first woman in Peckham to smoke menthol cigarettes?
19:13Look at the state of that.
19:15I wouldn't be seen dead with that.
19:17Let alone admit knowing it.
19:19Oh, dear.
19:20Oh.
19:27Oh, blimey.
19:30How are you, darling?
19:33Oh, terrific, terrific, yeah.
19:36How long's it been, then?
19:41How long's what been?
19:42Since we last saw each other.
19:46Have we met?
19:48You don't remember me, do you?
19:50No, I don't.
19:50It's Trudy.
19:52Trudy?
19:53Trudy?
19:54Were we engaged?
19:55Oh, yes.
19:57You ain't half changed, sweetheart.
19:59Well, ain't we all love it?
20:00Look, hang on a minute, dear, hang on.
20:02I'll just go and get me drink.
20:06I've gone right off that hot dog, Mike.
20:09Gail, Gail, we made it up.
20:12Gail and Cassie will be back together.
20:13Well done, brother.
20:14Yeah, great.
20:15I might be there as a minicab outside for somebody.
20:17Yeah, that'll be for your ex-fiancée, Derry.
20:22Get her out, will you?
20:23All right, Mike, give us a minute, will you?
20:24Give me a minute.
20:25Gail, it's not another old fiancée, is he?
20:27I'm sorry, Rodney, I was very young at the time.
20:30Yeah, Cassandra, she's not out there in a van, is she?
20:31No, no, she's gone round to her mum and dad's place to pick something at home.
20:34I'll just come round and tell you I won't be home tonight.
20:36What you mean is, Rodney, what you mean is you will be home tonight.
20:40Yeah.
20:40Yeah, my real home, eh?
20:41That's right.
20:42Well, um, there's your case.
20:43Oh, you're right, it's all.
20:44And thanks for having me.
20:46Oh, Rodney, come on.
20:48It's a pleasure.
20:50Cassandra didn't ask to make me, did she?
20:53No.
20:54I lied.
20:55You're a conniving girl, isn't she?
20:59It worked, though, didn't it?
21:02What you doing?
21:03I've just seen Raquel and Albert getting off the bus.
21:05Raquel? Raquel's coming in here?
21:07She can't see me with that true, do you know how jealous she gets?
21:09No, Del.
21:10Look out.
21:10Del.
21:11Yes.
21:12Tell me everything that's been happening in there.
21:14Well, I...
21:16Well, I'd love to, sweetheart, but your cab has just arrived.
21:19Oh, look, look, Del.
21:20Why don't you come back to my place and we can talk about old times.
21:26No, I'd love to, sweetheart, I'd love to, but you see, I've got to stay here and talk
21:29some business with these gentlemen, you see.
21:30Rodney, will you escort this lady to her cab?
21:32Yes.
21:33Here you go.
21:34I'll see you then, Del.
21:35Right, sweetheart.
21:36Here, here, Del.
21:37Do you come in this pub often, then?
21:39No, no, no.
21:40I've never been in here before in my life, ever, Mike.
21:42That's right.
21:43I'll buy them down.
21:44I'll buy them.
21:45I'll buy them.
21:46Bye.
21:47Bye.
21:47Oh, lovely.
21:50Oh, it's in my car.
21:52It's a red car.
21:53It's a red car.
21:54It's lovely.
21:55Yeah, that's it.
21:55It's lovely.
22:03Let me get...
22:14Cassie.
22:14Cassie!
22:26Cass, unlock the door.
22:29Cass!
22:30Cass, we've got to talk.
22:33Look, Cass, that bird was nothing to do with me.
22:35She was some old sort.
22:36I thought Del was engaged two years ago.
22:39Well, Cass, at least let's talk.
22:43Cassie!
22:46Cass.
23:00By no means, sir.
23:02Time travels in diverse places with diverse persons.
23:05I'll tell you who time ambles with all, who time trots with all, who time gallops with all,
23:09and who he stands still with all.
23:11That's it!
23:12Bloody good.
23:12Bloody good, Raquel!
23:13Orlando.
23:14Orlando.
23:15Oh, right.
23:16Oh, yes.
23:19Aye, privy.
23:21Who duff he trot with all?
23:22What are you doing?
23:24I'm acting.
23:25No, don't.
23:26Just read it.
23:27All right.
23:30It's all right.
23:31Aye, privy.
23:32Who duff he trot with all?
23:33Is that all right?
23:34Yes.
23:35Mary, he trots hard with a young maid between the contract of her marriage and the day it is solemnised.
23:40But if the interim be but a senite, time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of seven
23:47years.
23:48When you've got to learn this by?
23:50Tomorrow morning.
23:53Oh, Del, he's right.
23:55I'm going to make a real mess of this audition.
23:56No, you're not, sweetheart.
23:57No, you're not.
23:58She's going to be terrific, isn't she, Albert?
23:59Of course you are.
24:00And if you're not, what have you lost?
24:02What do you mean, what have I lost?
24:03Well, it's only a bunch of Nancy actors doing a play which no one can make it in the tail
24:07of.
24:09There.
24:09That makes you feel much better, doesn't it, eh?
24:12You dozy old twonk.
24:14This is authentic culture, this duff is.
24:16You're just such a god, will you?
24:18Shall we continue, sweetheart?
24:20You sure you don't mind doing this?
24:21No, of course I don't.
24:22I mean, I'm enjoying myself.
24:23This is a blinding play.
24:24Thanks.
24:25Shall we start at the beginning?
24:26No, let's go on a bit, shall we?
24:27Just move on.
24:32Saved by the doorbell.
24:38What are you doing now?
24:39I thought you were staying at your own place tonight.
24:40We've broken up.
24:42You...
24:43You've broken up?
24:45What are you talking about?
24:47You've only been together an hour.
24:49What happened?
24:50She saw me standing outside the nag's head with my arm around bloody Trudy.
24:54You had your arm around another woman?
24:56Well, no wonder she's thrown you out, sir.
24:58You're right, doesn't it, Rodney?
25:00Well, Trudy was nothing to do with me.
25:01She was the old sort of...
25:02That was...
25:04She was...
25:06She...
25:10She...
25:11Just a friend.
25:13Oh, just a friend, eh?
25:15How many times have I heard that?
25:19I've got no pity for you.
25:21In fact, you disgust me.
25:22Wouldn't do you any harm to take a leaf out of Adele's book.
25:27Yeah.
25:28I'm going to study this in the bedroom.
25:30All right, sweetheart.
25:32I'll see you a little later.
25:35Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney.
25:38How was I to know that Cassandra would see you?
25:40And anyway, what was she doing with your arm around Trudy's?
25:42Stopping her from falling flat on her bloody face.
25:45Do you reckon Cassandra would tell her dad?
25:47No, no, no.
25:47She'll keep it personal between her and Rodney.
25:54Here, away you go.
25:57Er, Trotters International Traders, PLC.
26:00Oh, hello, Alan.
26:01Don't say I'm...
26:02Er, no, sorry.
26:03He's not in.
26:04No, don't say I'm in.
26:05Don't you just say don't say...
26:06Oh, God.
26:07No, sorry.
26:07What, I mean, he's not in the room.
26:08He's in the bathroom.
26:10Yeah.
26:12All right.
26:12No, I'll take a message, yeah.
26:15Yep.
26:15Okay.
26:17All right, Alan.
26:17TTFN then.
26:17Bye.
26:20Wants to see you in work tomorrow, first thing.
26:22Oh, God.
26:23It's all right, Rodney.
26:24It's all right.
26:25Don't worry.
26:25It's probably something to do with the business, that's all.
26:28Anyway, I'm going to go off and help Raquel rehearse her play.
26:31Now, if you hear any funny noises, right, don't worry, because it'll be me rehearsing my speech
26:36for Edging Court.
26:39Well, that's it, isn't it?
26:41Alan is going to sack me.
26:43God, sack you.
26:44Well, of course he can.
26:45He owns a firm, doesn't he?
26:46That printing shop of his, he's overloaded with work.
26:49He's got orders coming out of his ears.
26:51Everyone's working overtime and weekends.
26:53So what are you saying?
26:54It'll wait till the rush is over?
26:55During the war.
26:56Oh, no, unk, please.
26:57Not the U-boat and the field again.
26:59We docked him the letter on our way to Greece.
27:01We had our chief communications officer on board, Puppy Fox.
27:06It's a funny name for a ship, isn't it?
27:08That was the officer's name.
27:10Now, Tubby, old Tubby, he'd like to live it up once in a while.
27:13And one night he was on duty and the captain come in in the radio room and caught him with
27:19a Maltese girl in one hand and a bottle of gin with the other.
27:21Put him under arrest and started court-martial proceedings.
27:24Albert, is there any point to this story or are you just rambling?
27:27The Navy had a wartime rule.
27:30Only commissioned officers were allowed to control the radio room.
27:34Yeah, you're just rambling.
27:35Now, Tubby Fox was the only communications officer on board.
27:39Do you know what he did?
27:40I don't care what he did.
27:42He resigned his commission, which meant...
27:44I don't know.
27:45Which meant the ship couldn't sail.
27:47The captain had no choice but to refuse to accept Tubby's resignation.
27:51Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the court-martial.
27:54It was checkmate.
27:56I see.
27:57So they needed him more than he needed them.
28:00Exactly.
28:01What I'm trying to say is realise your own importance.
28:05Tubby Fox did and he went on to command his own submarine under.
28:09Yeah.
28:11You're right.
28:13Cheers, hon.
28:14Yeah.
28:15Yeah.
28:17He died in Palermo Harbour.
28:22Dropped a depth charge in nine foot of water.
28:32Fuck, fuck.
29:12Oi, Rodney!
29:17Alan, there's a letter for you waiting on the desk.
29:19Yeah, yeah, I'll deal with it later. I wanted to see you.
29:23Yeah, Dale said you wanted to see me.
29:25Look, um, you know that lunch we had with Ron Carey from the Harvey's mail order people?
29:29Well, yeah, vaguely. That was months ago.
29:31Well, we got the contract.
29:34You're kidding?
29:35A three-year deal. We had all their junk mail, all their catalogues and all their office stationery.
29:40Well, that's massive!
29:40You're telling me? I think we can safely say we'll be having roast turkey again this Christmas.
29:45Yeah, but how are we going to handle it?
29:46We barely got the staff or the room to cope with our present workload.
29:49We take on more staff and we move to a bigger workshop.
29:52That's what I wanted to see you about. I've been looking at some new premises. I'd like you to see
29:55them.
29:57Well, where are they?
29:59You know that new industrial estate out at Nunhead?
30:03Alan, about last night.
30:05Last night?
30:06Yeah, you know, what happened with me and Cassandra.
30:10Oh, that! Well, needless to say, Pam and I were delighted with the news.
30:14Delighted?
30:14Well, Cassandra came home and told us you were back together.
30:17Oh, yeah. Well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened after that.
30:23Rodney, I'm a man of the world, but I'm also Cassandra's father.
30:26I don't want to know what happened after that.
30:29Do you know what I mean?
30:30Yeah.
30:51All right, sweetheart?
30:54What are you doing here?
30:55Hmm?
30:56Ah, well, er, you know, just happened to be passing. I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift
31:00home.
31:01Er, Del, this is Adrian. He's the director.
31:04Er, Adrian, this is Derek. He's, er, he's a friend.
31:07Oh, pleased to meet you.
31:09Yeah, and you, eh? They're new.
31:11So, how'd she do?
31:13Well, at the audition?
31:13Yeah.
31:14Very well.
31:15Cushty, cushty. They can't be back, can they?
31:17I told you'd be no trouble.
31:18You shouldn't ask questions like that.
31:19Oh, shut up, you're too picky. That's your problem.
31:21So, er, what can I get you?
31:22A small dry sherry, please, Adrian.
31:24Yeah, er, same here.
31:25Yeah.
31:26Right, erm, I'll have a key.
31:29So, er, are you, er, in the business, Derek?
31:32No, no, no.
31:33No, I'm, er, I'm importer, exporter.
31:35I deal in fine antiques, quality objet d'art, mobile telephones, that sort of thing.
31:41Which, whilst we're on the subject, Adrian, I hadn't been doing a very nice line in computerised communication systems, which
31:48I believe would be right up your street.
31:52It's a musical doorbell.
31:54See, what happens, when you press the button...
31:56Derek, er, this is Jules.
31:57Oh.
32:00Jules is our set designer.
32:01Jules, this is Derek, er, Raquel's friend.
32:04Hi.
32:07Right?
32:08Oh, give me some vitamin C, I feel absolutely wrecked.
32:12Yeah, well, er, let's go and sit down at the table, shall we?
32:14Right, er, I'll just grab some food.
32:16Mmm, I feel a bit peckish as well.
32:18Yeah, so do I.
32:19I'll fit...
32:19What?
32:21Well, go and sit at the table, I need to talk to him.
32:24Oh, right.
32:25Come here.
32:40They think I can design magnificent stage sets on peanuts.
32:45I mean, these people don't have a budget, it's more like a Whipra.
32:48Yeah, I know what you mean.
32:50It's a bar, can't it?
32:52Feel my hands.
32:54Feel my hands.
32:55Go on, feel them.
32:58Oh, no.
32:59Those are calluses.
33:01I'm the set designer, yet I have to help unload the lorries.
33:04Did I go to art college for three years for that?
33:07Well, no, of course not.
33:08Did you see the match the other night?
33:15Match?
33:16What match?
33:16You know, one between England and Yugoslavia.
33:19No.
33:19Not really interested in football.
33:20You were lucky.
33:21You were dead lucky.
33:22I mean, some of the decisions that ref made were criminal.
33:25They were.
33:25I mean, we was robbed.
33:26We was robbed.
33:26I mean, they showed the match on grandstand.
33:28I said to my brother Rodney, I said, they should have shown it on Crimewatch.
33:33I'll tell you what I did watch.
33:35Hmm?
33:35That Elizabeth Taylor film, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
33:38Oh, isn't she the most gorgeous creature ever?
33:40Oh, yeah.
33:41Pity she got fat, wasn't it?
33:43I'm mad at the point.
33:45I've got a bone stretch and her eyes – her eyes simply sparkle!
33:48And her hair – her hair cascades everywhere.
34:18I'll tell you, you want to see these new premises
34:19Alan's going after now. They're cosmic, they're modern, they're big.
34:23Yeah, you've told us about 30 times already.
34:25I ain't never seen a place, but I feel like I'll give you a guided tour.
34:29I'm excited, aren't I? I tell you, Alan, he's going places.
34:34He's not the only one that's going places.
34:37Here, Raquel, I'm going to get all the hours to come down to your first night.
34:40Hey, Raquel?
34:41Raquel?
34:42Sorry, what did you say?
34:43I said I'm going to get all the boys to come down to your first night.
34:45You know, Trigger, Boise, Rodney, me, the lot.
34:47And then when you come on stage, we're all going to give you a big cheer, like we're all going
34:49to go,
34:50Hooray!
34:51And what's his name, Adrian?
34:53You'll think that you've got a fan club already, won't you?
34:55Eh?
34:56OK, thanks.
34:57Oh, cheer up, girl. You got the part, didn't you?
35:00Yeah, I got the part, Albert.
35:01Yeah, there we go, then.
35:02Oh, sweet heart, get that done.
35:04No, not for me, darling.
35:05Come on, sweetheart.
35:06Come on, this is to celebrate your job, eh?
35:07I've got this letter to read. It's all the details of the player.
35:09I'd like to read it with a clear hair, darling.
35:11See you in a little while.
35:13Yeah, yeah, all right, then.
35:16What's up with her?
35:18Hi.
35:19Ever since she's come back from that audition with that Adrian and all them other actors,
35:23she's been different.
35:25I don't know, maybe we embarrass her or something.
35:27Oh, Raquel's not like that.
35:29You don't know, Rodney.
35:30A cravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head.
35:33I'll get it.
35:39Hello?
35:40Alan?
35:41Yeah, I've just been telling Della and Albert about their new premises.
35:43I was thinking, if we...
35:45What letter?
35:48Oh, yeah, that letter.
35:50Yeah, let me explain.
35:50It was, well, it was a token.
35:52A gesture.
35:54Yeah.
35:54Well, the situation that existed then between Cassandra and I
35:58may have been causing you some embarrassment,
35:59and, well, I just wanted you to know that I was aware of it.
36:02Yeah.
36:04Mm-hmm.
36:07Fine.
36:08Uh, just let me get this straight, Alan.
36:10When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation,
36:13what exactly do you mean?
36:17I see, yes.
36:26You handed in your resignation.
36:30I thought it was best.
36:33You stupid little blonker.
36:36That's the bestest job you've ever had,
36:38or ever liked it, or ever liked it,
36:38or haven't you?
36:39You've chucked it away.
36:40Listen, I am in control of my own destiny.
36:43I am my own man.
36:44I make my own decisions in this world.
36:46And why did you resign?
36:48Because he told me to.
36:50I never said a word.
36:52Well, you told me about that bloke on the boat
36:54who put in his resignation to get out of the court-martial.
36:56Oh, that was different, son.
36:57How?
36:58Well, he got away with it.
37:02I didn't think Alan would accept my resignation.
37:05But he did.
37:06Yeah, I know, he did.
37:09I thought I was too important to the firm.
37:11But you weren't.
37:12Oh, no, I won't bloody know now, don't I?
37:14Yeah, all right, all right.
37:15Calm down, then.
37:15Calm down.
37:18Give Alan a bell,
37:19see if I can get him to change his mind for you.
37:21Well, it's too late.
37:21Huh?
37:22He's already found somebody to replace me.
37:23Well, that was bloody quick, wasn't he?
37:25It's my assistant.
37:27Your assistant?
37:28What, that little kid?
37:30Yes.
37:31That snotty-nosed Herbert, who's just left school?
37:35Yes.
37:36Elvis?
37:38Yes.
37:40He's doing what you were doing?
37:42Yes.
37:43Elvis, he ain't daft.
37:45Still, there's no worry about him winning blockbusters, though, is there?
37:48Oh, dear.
37:50He was the one that thought sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyaway.
37:55Look, he is just filling the gap
37:57until Alan finds someone of my expertise to take over.
38:01It's just strange that they should replace you with a silly boy.
38:04Why don't you just stay out of this, Albert?
38:06Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
38:07Don't you talk to an old war hero like that!
38:09Well, he's getting on me bloody nerves going on and on.
38:11It's your own fault, Roddy.
38:12You've got no one else to blame.
38:14You've got a lovely wife, a lovely flat,
38:16the bestest job in the whole world,
38:17and you blew it!
38:22Who was that bloke you was having lunch with today?
38:28That was just one of Raquel's artistic friends.
38:32What bloke's that, then, Dale?
38:33You shut up, stay out of this, Albert!
38:55OK?
38:56Yeah, fine.
38:58Read your letter about your play, then?
38:59Yeah, I've read it.
39:04Look, sweetheart, if we've had a row, could you at least tell me about it?
39:08We haven't had a row.
39:09Everything's fine.
39:09It's not fine, Raquel.
39:10It's not fine.
39:12Ever since you came back from that audition with that Adrian and Jules and all them others,
39:15you've been different towards me.
39:17I mean, what is it?
39:18Aren't I as good as those actor cronies?
39:20Do I embarrass you?
39:22Don't be stupid, Dale.
39:23I am not stupid, Raquel.
39:24I'm not being stupid.
39:25Because I saw your face, you see.
39:27I saw your face when that Adrian asked me what I thought about Hamlet.
39:31And I said I preferred Costellas.
39:34I saw your face.
39:45So, when did you start rehearsals, then, that, then?
39:48So it doesn't start for another three months.
39:50Oh, well, that's all right, then, isn't it, eh?
39:52Gives you plenty of time to meet some more of your intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it?
39:57Derek, will you get it into your thick skull?
39:59Well, I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people.
40:01I'm happy with you.
40:06So what's the problem, then?
40:09Tour?
40:11But did you say this thing was a tour?
40:13That's right.
40:14It's a nine-week tour of the country.
40:16Oh, well, I didn't know that, did I?
40:18I mean, I didn't know that.
40:19I thought it was like, you know, a play that you put on local and...
40:24Oh, I see that now.
40:26Oh, that's it, is it?
40:28Right, eh?
40:30It's the lured of the big theatres.
40:32The applause, the applause, the show must go on and all that.
40:36We're not appearing in theatres.
40:38If you're not appearing in theatres, then where are you appearing?
40:41Schools.
40:43Schools?
40:43Yes, schools.
40:44It's a co-project between the education and the arts councils.
40:47We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities.
40:50Imagine what it might have done for me.
40:51Yeah.
40:53Could have ended up being a dinner lady.
40:58Don't become like all the others, Del.
41:01Putting down every little dream I have.
41:06I'm not trying to put your dreams down, sweetheart.
41:11You know, I never do that.
41:15It's just that I don't want you to leave me.
41:23I'm frightened you might not come back.
41:27I'm not going anywhere, Del.
41:29I'm turning the offer down.
41:32You can't do that, sweetheart.
41:34You can't do that.
41:36No, this is, you know, this is a golden opportunity, this.
41:39Don't worry about me.
41:40I'm just, you know, I'm just being a bit selfish, this all.
41:42I can't do that to her, Del.
41:47Why not?
41:49Because I've read the play again and again,
41:51and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind...
41:54is pregnant.
41:57There's always poetic licence, isn't there?
41:59LAUGHTER
42:11Did you say you was pregnant?
42:15I've done all the tests and everything, it's certain.
42:21Blimey.
42:23Are you angry?
42:28Angry.
42:46Hey, Albert, Albert, quick, come on.
42:47Give me the biggest bottle of champagne you can find out.
42:49Now, bring it here. Come on, quick, quick, quick.
42:51Rodney, all right, get out of bed, you ladies and gentlemen.
42:54Quick, come in. Here, here, here.
42:56Tonight we celebrate.
42:57Hooray!
42:58You're not angry.
43:00You're not angry.
43:01You're not angry.
43:03You're not angry.
43:03That's what I'm going to be angry, I'm going to be a daddy.
43:07Oh.
43:08I tell you what, I'm going to phone everybody up now.
43:10I'm going to phone them all night, I'm going to have a party,
43:11we're going to have a party, we're going to have a party,
43:12and we're going to have fireworks, the biggest fireworks,
43:13and we're going to celebrate.
43:15What's all the fuss about?
43:16What's happening?
43:17Calm down, calm down, you two.
43:18Just calm down, listen to me.
43:20I'm going to answer one simple question, all right?
43:24How many people do you see standing there?
43:28One.
43:30No.
43:33I see two.
43:41Well, you know what this means, don't you, Albert?
43:44No.
43:46Either Raquel's pregnant,
43:48or Daryl's pissed.
43:49Or Daryl's pissed.