- 13 hours ago
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00:03Now, this machine is going to change our lives.
00:06Good.
00:07Yes, it's top of the range, this high tech.
00:09Yeah, you can see that by all them lights.
00:11Yeah, yeah.
00:12I don't know how we've managed so long without one.
00:14Nor do I.
00:15What is it?
00:18What is it?
00:19It's a videotape recorder, isn't it?
00:20It's got a little computer in it and everything.
00:22When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programs for you.
00:25Amazing.
00:26Yeah, nothing but the best.
00:27Yeah.
00:30How does it know you're on holiday?
00:34You send it a postcard, don't you?
00:36You know, you program its little computer, don't you, you daft old...
00:39Oh, come on, what's the matter with you?
00:41No luck, eh?
00:41No, it's all right, I'll get the hang of it.
00:43It's just, you know, when it comes to technological things, normally I'm a natural.
00:46I've just got to get used to all its, you know, its functions and its modes.
00:50I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot would work it.
00:53Yes.
00:54Yes, that's right, yes.
00:56Rodney!
00:58You shake a leg, it's gone six o'clock.
01:00Yes, all right, keep the noise down, will you?
01:03God, look at the state of that.
01:05I've seen blokes crawl out of pot holes looking smarter than that.
01:07You brought in back last night, son, out with that little bird of yours.
01:10What's her name, Cassandra?
01:12That's right.
01:13Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
01:16Yeah, that takes me back.
01:19I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave.
01:21I saw some of the best here, Rodney.
01:23Yeah, yeah.
01:24Yeah, you ever heard of John, Barbara, Ollie?
01:26Yeah, of course I have.
01:28Sir John was one of the greats.
01:29Yeah, Barbara and Ollie were pretty good, aren't they?
01:32I saw them all, Rodney.
01:34Adrian Bolt, Shemalcombe Sergeant.
01:37Wonderful times.
01:38Who'd you see?
01:39Eric Clapton.
01:41Eric Clapton?
01:42He's a new one on me.
01:44Yeah, Del Boy's got a new video recorder.
01:47Oh, yeah.
01:49Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper the other day.
01:52Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps?
01:56They just send it all to him.
01:58Oi, oi, oi, that's enough of that.
01:59This is none of your Taiwan junk.
02:01This was made in Formosa.
02:06But Formosa is...
02:07Albert, please, don't confuse the issue.
02:10It is what?
02:11He's one of the world's leading manufacturers of audio-visual equipment.
02:16And video recorders.
02:19And video recorders.
02:21Do you want some breakfast, Del?
02:23No thanks, Albert.
02:23Breakfast is for wimps.
02:25Rodney?
02:25Yeah, I'm starving.
02:27Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da.
02:30Well, you know where I was last night whilst you was up at the Albert Hall.
02:33You know, head-banging and all that.
02:35I was having a drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
02:40Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry?
02:42Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name.
02:44Yeah, no, that bloke has come on a bundle in the last few years.
02:46That man is at the front of new technological frontiers.
02:49He's got a Queen's Award for Industry plaque and all.
02:52Yeah, I know.
02:53I was there when you sold it to him.
02:56Oh, yeah, yeah.
02:56Well, exactly.
02:57I mean, well, you and I, I mean, we both know it's a schneid one, don't we?
02:59But the punters don't.
03:00They're impressed by the image.
03:01And that's what modern business is all about today, Rodney.
03:04It's about image.
03:05You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right?
03:08Now, take me, for instance.
03:10I am a perfect example.
03:12But you look exactly what you are.
03:16Well, thank you very much.
03:17It's only because I've got the right image.
03:19No, I mean, it is.
03:20I mean, it's the little things.
03:21You know, it's like my aluminium briefcase there,
03:23my Mercedes keyring, my Filofax.
03:25When people see these things, they know exactly what I am.
03:28It is a bit of a giveaway, isn't it?
03:31Better than a Mason's hand shape, bruv.
03:33You take my jewellery, see?
03:34Now, a half-sovereign ring can say an awful lot about it, bloke.
03:38Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes.
03:40See, now we're talking the same language, aren't we, eh?
03:43See?
03:44That's what it are.
03:44Albert, just a minute.
03:45You stay there.
03:46Just stand there.
03:47Now, Rodney, as you see him standing there,
03:50what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
03:52Why, have I got bloody cornflakes again?
03:56It's because I can't get any food in that fridge.
03:58It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week.
04:01It's all right, all right.
04:01I'm going to get rid of him today, aren't I?
04:03No, I'm talking about image-wise, aren't I?
04:04Listen, come here a minute.
04:05Look.
04:05You see, when I see him standing there,
04:07what this says to me, this says,
04:08here is a man who's worked hard all his life for an honest crust.
04:11Here is a man of strong principles.
04:14Here is a man you can trust.
04:17You see what I'm saying?
04:18You see how easy it is to fool people?
04:22All you've got to do is have the right image.
04:23Are you saying I've got to get an image?
04:25No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one.
04:27You see, you take a look at me.
04:28You see, I wear a trendy trench coat,
04:30Gordon gecko braces,
04:32you wear a lumberjacks coat and Gordon Bennett boots.
04:35My image says I'm going right to the top flat out.
04:38Your image says I'm going back to bed because I'm shagged out.
04:41You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney.
04:43You must be dynamic, you see.
04:46Yes, all right.
04:47I was a bit dynamic last night over Ron's cash...
04:49over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
04:53I was where the big business opportunities occur.
04:55And I was in a position to snap them up.
04:58And what exactly did you snap up?
05:00A video recorder.
05:02Financial Times index must have gone through the roof.
05:06No, I didn't just buy one of them, did I?
05:08I bought 50 of them.
05:09The rest of them are in the garage.
05:11Guess how much I paid?
05:12Only 50 quid each.
05:13But that's two and a half grand.
05:14Where do you get two and a half grand from?
05:16I didn't know I got them on the knock.
05:17You know, buy now, pay later.
05:18When I sell them, Ronnie will get his money.
05:1950 quid each?
05:21Well, they've got to be hooky.
05:23They are not hooky.
05:25Now, the reason why they're so cheap is because they come from a consignment
05:28where the manufacturers put in the wrong operating instructions.
05:32Oh, great.
05:35So how are you going to operate a video recorder
05:37with the instructions for a sandwich toaster?
05:40I'm not, you are.
05:43Well, you're the one who's taken a diploma course in computer science.
05:46Again.
05:47Yes, that's right.
05:48Right, so programming a silly little thing like that
05:49ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
05:53Yes, all right.
05:54I'll do it for you.
05:55Good boy.
05:55Good boy.
05:56You know it makes sense.
05:57Listen, I want you to record a program for me on ITV called City News.
06:01It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street, Big Bangs and all that.
06:04You on it?
06:08You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you.
06:11Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today.
06:13I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with it.
06:16We've got a high-profile image.
06:18Oh, the only thing we've got us eyes is flat.
06:20Very funny, very funny.
06:22Hey, listen, I'm going to make a very important private phone call.
06:24I want you two to take them tomatoes down there and put them in the van, all right?
06:28Oh, by the way, don't forget the rest, all right?
06:39There you go, Denzel.
06:41There's your stew.
06:42That's a pound.
06:43Cheers.
06:43I'll get you on the way back.
06:44All right.
06:45Buff, bourguignon.
06:50That's £2.50, sir.
06:51Oh.
06:53That's super.
06:55Bon appetit.
06:58So, how's life treating you then, Denzel?
07:00The same as Paxo treats a turkey.
07:03Well, it's that, right?
07:05But whatever happened to good news, eh?
07:06Is it being privatised or what?
07:07Yeah, I heard you started your own knowledge company, Transworld Express.
07:11Any time, any load, anywhere.
07:13That's right.
07:13But I've only got a transit.
07:16A transit?
07:17So why all the big worldwide slogans?
07:19Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service, parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing.
07:24Then I bumped into Del.
07:26Oh.
07:27Don't tell me.
07:29Image, yeah?
07:30Yes.
07:30He said there is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers.
07:34You have got to be big, brave and brazen, he said.
07:36Why'd you listen to him?
07:37Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him, but Del insists.
07:42Does he still drink in here, by the way?
07:43Yeah, occasionally.
07:45But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham, he's been hanging around the wine bars and bistros.
07:49Of course, one by one, they're barring him.
07:52He's bound to, aren't he?
07:53See them over there?
07:54They only come in here to avoid him.
07:56I saw Rodney this morning.
07:58He was wearing a suit.
07:59Someone must have died.
08:02There ain't much good news around, is there, Denzel?
08:05Denzel, my old mate!
08:07I was just off, Del.
08:09No, not until I've bought you a drink, you're not.
08:10Here, pina colada for me, please, Michael.
08:12Same again for Denzel.
08:13Yeah, I've told you before, you ought to clean your pipes out.
08:15It was terrible.
08:16Listen, Michael, listen to me.
08:18I've just come back from Folkestone and I've got 25 six-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes
08:23straight off the ferry, still got the dew on them, £2.50 a box.
08:27What do you say?
08:27Do your salads up a treat.
08:28What, £2.50 a box?
08:30Yep.
08:30Go on then, Del, I'll have one.
08:32Good, I'll put three boxes aside for you.
08:33Rodney's on his way down with them.
08:35Come on in, Denzel, come on, come and sit down over there.
08:37Tell me what you've been up to, all right?
08:39Ah, Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again.
08:43Oh, God.
08:45Oh, God.
08:45Let's see you again.
08:46Hello.
08:47Hello.
08:48Hello.
08:49Hello.
08:51They're my sort of people.
08:52What, you mean the bistro kids?
08:54Oh, yeah.
08:55I was in the wine bar the other night with Adrian, and we were debating the Trust House 40 Cunard
08:59merger.
09:01Oh, yeah.
09:02That's the sort of thing I like these days, you know, Denzel.
09:04The cut and thrust, to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument.
09:08I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.
09:11Still, it's all over.
09:12We're still friends, aren't we?
09:14Harry A. Water under the bridge, eh?
09:15Yeah.
09:17Oh, here he comes.
09:18Thank you, Michael.
09:19Cheers.
09:28Just look at me.
09:30I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.
09:33You've ruined it, haven't you?
09:36This is your fault.
09:36It's all so I could present an image.
09:39Well, I am presenting an image.
09:40I'm presenting the image of someone who's covered in tomato stains.
09:44That'll come off.
09:45Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will you?
09:48How about a slice of bread?
09:52I need him, don't I?
09:54I bloody need him.
09:55That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
09:57Yeah, I know it was.
09:59God knows I'm going to get it clean for tonight.
10:01I'll probably have to cancel my boat with Cassandra, and it'll ruin my evening.
10:04And she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice, and that'll ruin my life.
10:08And it's all your fault.
10:09Oh, shut up and sit down, you big old brass.
10:11Yeah, Denzel.
10:12Tell Rodney about your luck.
10:13That should cheer him up.
10:14Yeah, what's that?
10:14No luck, me old mate.
10:15Oh, no, Del.
10:16Lots of luck.
10:17All bad.
10:18Last Friday was mine and Kareem's anniversary.
10:21Oh, my God.
10:22Del, that's not the bad luck.
10:24Oh, sorry.
10:24Well, see, a while back, I got this contract with this plastics factory over Depthwood.
10:30They make garden furniture, camping equipment, toys, the lot.
10:33Oh, yeah.
10:34Yeah.
10:35Well, go on, carry on.
10:36Yeah, yeah.
10:37Yeah, well, Friday afternoon, I got this urgent call from the factory to go to a shop in High
10:42Wickham and pick up 50 dolls.
10:44They were being returned, faulty stock.
10:46But it's my anniversary, isn't it?
10:47And I promised to take Kareem out for the evening.
10:50By the time I have got through all the rush hour traffic, it's half past six, and I've still
10:53got the dolls on board.
10:55So what do I do?
10:56Take them back to the factory like I'm supposed to and let Kareem down?
10:59Or leave them on the truck until Monday and hope no one tweaks?
11:02Oh, well, it's obvious, isn't it?
11:05You let Kareem down.
11:08No.
11:10How can a return of faulty dolls be urgent?
11:13I'd have left them on me truck until Monday.
11:14That's exactly what I did.
11:16And what happens?
11:17The factory went up in flames.
11:19Exploded by all accounts.
11:21Normally, I can carry on working for them because they've got other depots.
11:24But tomorrow morning, I have got to hand in this unsigned docket, which proves I collected
11:28the dolls, but also proves that I didn't deliver them.
11:31When the governors find out, they are either going to think that I have become unreliable
11:35or, worse still, that I am on the thief.
11:38That's a problem, isn't it, Denzel?
11:40Yeah.
11:41It's no problem.
11:43Are you two going to be plonkers for the rest of your lives?
11:46This is no problem at all.
11:48This is a gift from the gods.
11:53Give us this here now.
11:56What are you doing, Del?
11:57I'm getting you out of stock and into the money, all right?
12:01All right, now listen.
12:02I've signed that docket, right?
12:04I put on Friday's date.
12:05Now, they never bother to check these things.
12:08Now, as far as anyone's concerned, all them dolls went up in flames with the rest of the
12:12factory.
12:14Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist.
12:17This means that the owners will get more insurance money.
12:21You get an empty truck, plus a hundred-naked bunts.
12:24Me and the tomato kid here, we get...
12:26We get fifty dollars to flog down the market, and the great British public have another bargain
12:31of a lifetime.
12:32Everyone's a winner.
12:33Petit de journée.
12:35All right?
12:37I'll now go and empty your van onto ours, Denzel.
12:40Thank you very much.
12:41See you later.
12:42Ciao, Chloe.
12:43Adrian.
12:44TTFM.
12:44Michael.
12:51How much you pay for them?
12:53Two quid each.
12:54So, if we can knock them out of, what, say, ten or a go, that's, what, four hundred quid
12:58profit, eh?
12:58Lovely jubbly.
13:00You've just bought fifty dolls and got something wrong with them.
13:03There's nothing wrong with those dolls, Rodney.
13:05You know what these quality-controlled geezers are like.
13:07You know, you see one little scratch on them, and they stamp and reject, like...
13:10What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas?
13:13There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there?
13:15You laid them back, like, in your arms like that, they'd close their little eyes, and
13:17they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
13:19Yeah, we had to try and keep them closed, didn't we?
13:21Because when you opened them, they was boss eyes.
13:25Yeah, well, they had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I'd like it.
13:30But that's why they were such a bargain.
13:32Anyway, the kids didn't notice, did they?
13:34All except that little one who had nightmares.
13:37And I always said there was something wrong with her to start with.
13:39Anyway, these are probably top of the range.
13:41These are, like, Barbie or Cindy dolls or something like that.
13:44Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Cindy.
13:47These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
13:52You can't have dolls with names like that.
13:56You can if you go to the right shops.
14:10Bloody hell.
14:13What have we got ourselves into here?
14:17Well, this is your fault, ain't it?
14:18You never stop to ask questions, do you?
14:20You just go crashing in and to hell with the consequences.
14:23That is because I've got a high profile.
14:24Yeah, high profile and low foreheads.
14:28They're big for little dolls, aren't they?
14:31No, Hank, they ain't ordinary dolls.
14:34You get them advertised in magazines.
14:38Where's that radio time?
14:41Albert, have a day off, will ya?
14:44I mean, seedy magazines for kinky, sleazy little men.
14:49You're pulling my leg.
14:50Oh, am I?
14:52You have a look at this, then.
14:58He's right and all, Del.
15:00I know he's right.
15:02Oh, blimey, look at all this lot in here.
15:05We've got more colours in here than jelly babies, look.
15:12Cool, I tell you, Del, we're going to have to get rid of them a bit live.
15:14Yes, I know.
15:15You're right and all.
15:16Look at the prices they sell for.
15:19£60 each.
15:20On the other hand, let's not be too hasty, eh, Rodney?
15:24Oh, come on, Del.
15:25No, you were the one that was having a go at me just now for, you know, making quick decisions,
15:28weren't you?
15:28Here.
15:29Here.
15:29Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine now.
15:32Just go on, hang on.
15:32Don't give them to me!
15:35Del, we can't sell these.
15:37Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
15:39These things, they sell for £60 each, don't they?
15:42And these ones are self-inflating deluxe models for the more discerning weirdo.
15:48Maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts.
15:52Rodney, if we could sell these for just, what, say, say £30 each, that means that we'd make,
15:56what, £1,400 profit?
15:58Just think of that.
15:59Think of that, Rodney, 1,400 lovely smackerooni split right down the middle between you and
16:02me.
16:03That means by this time tomorrow you could have 600 quid of your own on your hip.
16:08And I know who'll buy them off us and all.
16:10Who?
16:10Dirty Barry.
16:11Who's Dirty Barry?
16:13Well, he runs a little, um, personal shop down the Woolworth Road, and he'll take the lot
16:18off us.
16:18And what happens if Cassandra finds out?
16:21What, does she want one?
16:23You know what I mean.
16:25She won't want to see me again, will she?
16:27Well, how's she gonna find out?
16:28You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking around the streets in broad daylight
16:32with them.
16:32Well, we won't, will we?
16:33We'll go down there tonight with them.
16:34He's open till about eight o'clock.
16:36Just get them out of here as quick as you can.
16:38I don't like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that would bring
16:42nothing but bad luck.
16:43Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in.
16:47Well, I'll tell you, Del, I don't want nothing to do with them.
16:49No, wait a minute, Rodney.
16:50No, wait a minute.
16:50Look, we're traders, aren't we?
16:51All we're doing is trading.
16:53This is just a one-off deal, that's all.
16:55I mean, people make a living out of these sort of things.
16:57It's big business and all, isn't it?
16:59I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't you?
17:00All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and
17:05beaten up.
17:07And they pay 200 quid, you know, for the privilege and all.
17:10Blimey, they want to walk around this estate one night.
17:12They get it done free and on the National Health.
17:15Yeah, but them sort of people are sick.
17:17I know, but they're still human beings.
17:20I mean, if some weirdo wants to get it going with a half a pound of latex and a lump
17:24of
17:24oxygen, well, that's his business.
17:26As far as I'm concerned, he'll have a meaningful relationship with a barrage balloon.
17:31He's just in the privacy of his own hangar.
17:34Exactly.
17:35Now, listen, I'm going to give Dirty Barry a bell.
17:37I'll tell him that we're going to be over there later on tonight.
17:39Rodney, tell me the truth.
17:41You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could you?
17:46To be honest with you, Unc, no, I couldn't.
17:49Barry, tell boy.
17:51But I know a man who can.
17:57That's £5.54.
18:00It's almost ready.
18:01I'll fetch for you.
18:05Good evening.
18:07Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable
18:11dolls which were administered in a factory in Deptford over the weekend.
18:14A police spokesman today said that due to a technical error, the dolls have been loaded
18:19with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane.
18:24The dolls went to the ground on Saturday night, and experts suspect the fire may have been
18:29caused by the presence of propane.
18:30The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket.
18:36Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal, particularly when exposed to heat,
18:40and have appealed for their immediate return.
18:45Your food is ready.
18:46Hey, usually they take the food and run off those things.
18:51This guy's got it all wrong.
18:59I don't believe it.
19:01I don't believe it.
19:03That's the last time I trust you with anything, Rodney.
19:06Look, I've already told you there's something wrong with that machine.
19:08I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News.
19:13What have I got?
19:14Open universally on BBC Two.
19:16So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever-changing pulse of the stock market,
19:20I'm watching Christopher Dopey-Wren on how he built St. Paul's Cathedral.
19:24That's interesting.
19:25Yeah, you would.
19:26You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission.
19:29It's tricky in here, isn't it?
19:30Is it all right if I turn the thermostat up?
19:32Yeah.
19:33You sure it's not too technical for you?
19:38Oh, you dipstick, Rodney.
19:40Now look at your thumb.
19:41Me?
19:42I thought Rodney knew about videos.
19:44Yeah.
19:45Emmanuel in Bangkok, and that's about it.
19:48I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted.
19:51Now, it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it?
19:54That machine is...
19:57up the wall.
19:58Oh, you're trying to blind me for science now, aren't you?
20:00Firstly, I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth.
20:03Where'd you figure that out?
20:05There was a film on earlier all about computers.
20:07You're joking.
20:09I wish I'd recorded it.
20:10Hang around, Rodney.
20:11You most probably have.
20:13It was called War Games.
20:15It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers.
20:18And one day, he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system.
20:23He almost got us into World War III.
20:25No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there?
20:27World War III?
20:28This plonker can't even get us into Channel 3, look.
20:31Have you read the instructions to your video recorder?
20:35Oh, cute.
20:37No, I haven't actually read them.
20:38Well, why don't you do that small thing, Derek?
20:41I think you'll find it very interesting.
20:42Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian,
20:46and not one single word in English.
20:49And that's why your machine don't work.
20:51It was made strictly for sale in Europe.
20:54But we are in Europe.
20:55We're in the common market, aren't we?
20:56Yes, I know that.
20:57But we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe.
21:00And that's why your machine is on the blink.
21:02Its components are burning out.
21:04It is what's technically known as knackered.
21:07I'll tell you, Willie Nelson's tucked you up.
21:10Oh, I can't believe it.
21:13Well, that's all I need, isn't it?
21:15You won't be able to sell the others now, Del.
21:17Too late, I think I've sold them all the time now.
21:19You've sold them?
21:20Hmm.
21:2170, uh, 60 quid each.
21:23You don't have to give the money back.
21:24Why?
21:24Because they don't work.
21:26What do you expect for 60 quid?
21:29I've been fucked up.
21:30I'm just passing it on, that's all.
21:31It's business.
21:32Oh, don't worry about it.
21:33Everything's going to be cushy.
21:35You are something else, you are.
21:36You're too picky, Rodney.
21:38That's your problem.
21:52How's that funny sound?
21:55I don't know.
21:57What are you looking at me for?
21:59The most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.
22:03Why didn't you do it?
22:15It's that funny noise.
22:17Oh, shush.
22:18Right?
22:41What's happening, what's happening on me?
22:42How the hell should I know?
22:43You're the one with the GCEs.
22:44Come alive, that's what's happened.
22:45Come alive.
22:46What do you think this is, Pinocchio?
22:47I've seen this happen before.
22:49Years ago, I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
22:52This witch doctor ran his hands over a dead cat and he'd come back alive.
22:57Yeah?
22:57I wish he lived around here.
22:58Could you have a go with my video?
23:01Just, just, just, just take it easy, all right?
23:05All right, calm down.
23:13That's you, that's you, that is, talking about Jamaica, look.
23:15I don't understand it.
23:16I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate her.
23:19I think so did I.
23:22Yeah.
23:22I think so did I.
23:27Whatever it leads to the hot air duct.
23:29What, that must have caused it, see?
23:32They must have a little canister of gas inside them and the heat set them off.
23:35What'd you go and stick them next to the hot air duct for?
23:37Well, I didn't know the heat would do that.
23:39Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat up.
23:41Well, I didn't know the heat was going to do that either.
23:43It's all right.
23:44Look, all right, all right, you two.
23:46Now, just pack it in for God's sake, will ya?
23:49I mean, you know, what will our guests think?
23:55Look, they're ugly looking mares, aren't they?
23:58Then you were worse.
24:00Rodney, you're going to cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
24:03Listen, we can't stand here arguing.
24:04We've got to do something before the rest of the black and white minstrels pop up.
24:08All right, don't panic, don't panic.
24:10We'll just deflate them.
24:11How?
24:12Well, they must have a little valve in them somewhere, aren't they?
24:15Yeah, that's right.
24:16Yeah.
24:16Well, go on, where you going then, Rodney?
24:19You can do it.
24:21It could be anywhere.
24:22No, I ain't looking for it either.
24:24It could be illegal.
24:25What are you talking about illegal?
24:27They can't phone for the police, can they, eh?
24:29All right, all right.
24:31Do it yourself, the old boy.
24:51There it is, look.
24:53There, look, right there.
24:55Now, just, you want me to stick...
24:56Go on, Rodney, have a go at that one.
24:58Here, I'll use one of these cocktail sticks.
25:00Here, look.
25:09Does Cassandra let you do that?
25:13Something's happening.
25:14Yeah, same here.
25:15Maybe they're dodgy valves.
25:17We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the Navy.
25:19Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
25:21Well, once they're up, they won't come down.
25:23Well, you remember what Denzel said?
25:25They were faulty, weren't they?
25:27He was taking them back to the factory.
25:29They must be the valves that are faulty.
25:31Well, how are we going to let them down?
25:33Well, they said, aren't they?
25:34Can't you stick pins in them?
25:36You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you?
25:37No, of course they can't.
25:39They've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
25:41Oh, look, what's 60 notes, eh?
25:44Come on, it's just bursting.
25:45Wodley, Wodley, don't you dare do that.
25:47Give me that here.
25:48God, dear.
25:49Your mother would turn somersaults in her grave
25:51if she could see you doing that.
25:53She did not bring us up to throw good money away
25:55just because we've got a little problem.
25:58We'll find a way in which we can get them down to dirty barriers.
26:01And how are you going to explain the fact
26:02that they are fully inflated?
26:03I'll just say they're samples.
26:04I'll say we blew them up so we could see them
26:06in all their natural beauty.
26:09Yeah, we'll chuck them in the back of the van.
26:11They'll be out of sight, then.
26:12How are you getting them out of this flat?
26:14Down the stairs, through the main doors,
26:16right across the forecourt to where the van's parked
26:18without anyone seeing you.
26:20He always has to spoil everything, doesn't he?
26:22He's got a point, though, hasn't he?
26:24I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate.
26:26Someone's bound to see you.
26:27Yeah, all right, all right.
26:28Well, I'll think of a way.
26:30Listen, the first thing we've got to do
26:31is to get these into another room.
26:32I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up,
26:34talk to us about buying this flat.
26:35I mean, Gould knows what he'll say
26:36if he sees Pepsi and Shirley here.
26:39Have I put these in Wodley's room?
26:40No way.
26:42I've already got a wardrobe full of Mum's old clothes
26:44in my room.
26:44Them two are just about to take the biscuit.
26:46What are you going to say?
26:47In case I bring Cassandra back,
26:49put them in your room.
26:50No.
26:51In case I bring a bird back,
26:53put them in Alva's room.
26:54In case I bring a...
26:57All right, put them in my room.
26:59I've got to go and meet Cassandra.
27:00I'll see you later.
27:01Oi, Rodney.
27:02Just make sure you don't do anything
27:03that might cause embarrassment to our family.
27:08Bill, I don't think I could do anything
27:10that would cause embarrassment to our family.
27:13Good boy.
27:14Good boy.
27:15Mum would be proud of you.
27:17Mum, Mum.
27:19That's it.
27:20Rodney,
27:21I think I've just worked out a way
27:23of how we can get these
27:24down to Dirty Barriers.
27:27Oh, no.
27:35These tomatoes are a bit manky,
27:37aren't they, Mike?
27:39Still, they make your beard taste better.
27:42I'll have you know,
27:43they were fresh Jersey tomatoes.
27:45Yeah?
27:45When?
27:46Why do you come in this pub, Trigg?
27:48For the company.
27:50Trigger doesn't have many friends
27:51or opportunities for social outlet.
27:54Every weekend,
27:55he goes down to the park
27:56and throws bread to the ducks.
27:58To him, it's a dinner party.
28:01So during the week,
28:02he has a straight choice
28:03between sitting in a cemetery
28:04or sitting in this pub.
28:06Unfortunately,
28:07the cemetery closes at six.
28:09What is the matter with everyone today?
28:11Trigger's done nothing but moan.
28:13You've got a face like a constipated rat.
28:15At least when Del Boy comes in,
28:17he cracks a joke and has a laugh.
28:19It is due to the activities
28:20of the aforementioned Del Boy
28:22that I have a face
28:23like a constipated rat.
28:25Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
28:27How is he?
28:29A lot richer than before
28:30he popped in to see me this afternoon.
28:32He sold me some video recorders.
28:3470 pounds each.
28:35I snapped them up.
28:3670 nicker each?
28:37What, they'd fall off the back of a lorry?
28:39If they did,
28:40they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf.
28:43How do you mean?
28:44I have just discovered
28:45that these machines
28:46only work on the continental current.
28:48To make them work on the British system
28:50would take a transformer
28:51the size of a suitcase
28:52and an electrician of such genius
28:55I'd have to go headhunting
28:56at Cape Canaveral.
28:5870 nicker each?
29:00Eh?
29:01Those video recorders.
29:0270 nicker each?
29:04Yeah.
29:05I'll have one.
29:10No, no, Trig.
29:11See, they only work on the continent.
29:13All right, I'll drop one round.
29:14Yeah.
29:15Cheers, boysie.
29:16Mike!
29:16Mike!
29:17Hang on, hang on.
29:18I've only got one pair of hands.
29:20Have you seen Del Boy?
29:21Oh, no.
29:21He ain't been in tonight.
29:22Bloody hell,
29:23I've got to do something really quick.
29:24Is your phone working?
29:25Is your phone working?
29:28Look, we had a spot of bother
29:30the other week.
29:30They tore the wires out.
29:31What's all the panic?
29:32I sold Del some dolls.
29:33Inflatable dolls.
29:35Inflatable dolls?
29:37Yeah, well, he didn't know
29:38they were inflatable.
29:39I never knew they were inflatable.
29:40I picked them up
29:41from a place called Playthings.
29:43I thought it was a toy shop.
29:45Well, apparently,
29:45the police are looking for them.
29:47They're dangerous.
29:48They've been fitted
29:49with the wrong gas cylinders.
29:50They're full of something
29:50called propane.
29:52Propane?
29:53Yeah, that's explosive, isn't it?
29:54Very.
29:55Del's got 50 little time bombs
29:56on his hands.
29:57If them things get hot,
29:58they are going to have to
29:59redo the A to Z.
30:01I'll pop round this flat.
30:02I'll see you later.
30:05That's bad news, isn't it?
30:09Terrible.
30:11That's tragic.
30:28Hurry up, then.
30:29It's all clear.
30:32Oh, what a very pleasant evening.
30:41Get a van, Albert.
30:45You all right,
30:45as long as we don't draw
30:46attention to ourselves.
30:59Hurry up, Albert.
31:04It's locked.
31:05God damn it.
31:07Have you got the keys, Rodney?
31:09Yeah.
31:10Here you are.
31:11Hurry up.
31:12Drive the van back over here,
31:13Unc.
31:13But I'm not insured.
31:15Well, don't have a crash, then.
31:20What if the police patrol sees us?
31:22It's all right.
31:23These dolls ain't hooky.
31:24I'm thinking more of the
31:25public indecency charge.
31:27How can I explain this in court?
31:30I should tell the truth, Rodney.
31:32I should say,
31:33Yes, Your Honour.
31:34The other evening,
31:35my brother and I
31:35decided to go out
31:36for a drink
31:36with two life-size
31:37inflatable dolls
31:38which were wearing
31:39my late mother's clothing.
31:42I'll put you in prison
31:42for that, Rodney,
31:43can I, eh?
31:44Well, they'll chuck us
31:45in Broadmoor.
31:46The Norman Batesway,
31:47most probably.
31:49Hold up.
31:49Hold up.
31:50Good evening, Gary.
31:51Good evening, Clayton.
31:53Good evening, Rodney.
31:55Good evening, Mr Cooper.
31:56Good evening, ladies.
31:57Well, good evening.
32:12Right, that's me
32:13finished with, am I, Dave?
32:13It's just a minute.
32:14Hey, aren't you
32:15coming down
32:15Dirty Barry's with us?
32:16No, I ain't.
32:17I've got a date
32:18with Cassandra.
32:19Look, I had a date
32:20with that Simone saw
32:20from the Cut Price Butchers.
32:22And she had a bag
32:23of liver for us.
32:25Knocked her on the head.
32:26Business comes first.
32:28Well, I'm not
32:28knocking Cassandra
32:29on the head.
32:30Look, you bought them.
32:31He blew them up.
32:32So it's YP, Derek.
32:33YP?
32:34Your problem.
32:37You dipstick.
32:40Come on, Albert.
32:41Get in the van.
32:42Why have I got
32:42coming with you?
32:43I need you to help
32:44me carry them
32:44into Dirty Barry's.
32:49Don't keep worrying.
32:51We're in the van now.
32:52No one can see them.
32:53I hope you're right.
32:55Trust me.
32:56Have I ever put you
32:57wrong before?
32:58Hmm.
33:20You are a liar,
33:22Rodney.
33:23Oh, Cassandra,
33:23that hurts me.
33:25I have never told
33:25an untruth in my life.
33:27I happen to come
33:28from an extremely
33:28honest family.
33:30You told me you live
33:30in a great big house.
33:32Well, I do live
33:33in a great big house.
33:34Nelson Mandela house.
33:35It's got about 70 flats in it.
33:37You can't get much
33:37bigger than that.
33:38I drove you home
33:39to where you claimed
33:40to live, and it most
33:41certainly was not
33:41a council estate.
33:43It was a mansion.
33:44I mean, there was
33:44a brand-new Mercedes
33:45in the front, and most
33:46probably an Olympic-sized
33:47swimming pool at the back.
33:49The people who owned
33:50the house came to the
33:51window, and you had
33:52the gall to wave at them.
33:53Yes, I remember.
33:55And I swore to myself
33:56that night that never
33:57again would I go out
33:58without my contact
33:59letters.
34:00Oh, shut up.
34:04Enjoy your meal.
34:08No, well, you know,
34:10I saw your house,
34:11and it looked so nice.
34:12I decided I'd better
34:13spruce a bit.
34:14You must have known
34:14I'd find out.
34:15No.
34:17Well, I didn't think
34:18I'd ever see you again.
34:19Why?
34:20I don't know.
34:21I just didn't...
34:23I wanted to see you again,
34:24but...
34:26Did you want to see me again?
34:28Yes, I did.
34:29Why?
34:30Because I thought
34:30you lived in a great big house
34:31and had a Mercedes.
34:33Why did you want to see me again?
34:36Well, I wanted to see
34:37what you looked like
34:38once I had my contact
34:38lenses in.
34:40And?
34:44Well, it comes a big
34:45disappointment, Cassandra.
34:46I'm sorry.
34:46I don't apologise.
34:47It happens all the time.
34:49I meet a guy.
34:49We get on well.
34:50He regains his sight.
34:51End of story.
34:53It's a tough world.
34:56I'd like to meet
34:56your brother.
35:01Why?
35:02Just the things
35:03you've told me about him.
35:04Seems like an interesting
35:04kind of person.
35:05Yes.
35:06They all can sometimes
35:07be interesting.
35:09Most of the time
35:10he's just baffling.
35:12Come on.
35:13Come on.
35:19Will you take that thing off?
35:21You look like
35:21Little Red Riding Hood.
35:22You're the only one round
35:23here recognising me.
35:25Who the hell's going
35:25to recognise you, eh?
35:27You might not believe it
35:28but during the war
35:29I was quite a celebrity
35:30round these parts.
35:31It was because of
35:32all the medals I won
35:33were bravery under fire.
35:34The only acts of bravery
35:35you ever performed
35:36were underwater.
35:38Say someone saw us
35:40holding these things
35:41they might ring the press
35:42and they'd have a field day
35:44walking with me
35:44being an old war hero.
35:46They'd call me
35:47one of those silly
35:47Fleet Street nicknames.
35:49They'd call me
35:50the old man
35:51and a PVC
35:51or something like that.
35:53Will you stop moaning?
35:57Who's there?
35:58Mary, it's me,
35:59Dog Boy.
36:00Hold on.
36:05He's security conscious,
36:06isn't he?
36:08No, he's just
36:08moving some of his stock.
36:13Come in.
36:22Who's the monk?
36:26It's my Uncle Albert.
36:27He's all right.
36:28So what's occurring?
36:29You buying or selling?
36:31Selling.
36:31Yeah, what?
36:33What?
36:34These, these things,
36:35of course.
36:36What do you think I'm doing?
36:37Giving them a guided tour?
36:38Yeah, they're not the dolls
36:39the police are looking for,
36:40aren't they?
36:40Police?
36:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
36:43No, these come from up north.
36:44There's a shop I know
36:45that went out of business.
36:46And I thought,
36:46I'll get these for my mate,
36:47Durd, Durd, Durd,
36:49Went out of business, did he?
36:50Yeah, it's happening everywhere,
36:51Del.
36:52The bottom's falling out
36:53of this game.
36:54Listen, Barry,
36:54now, you're a businessman,
36:55you know, a bargain
36:56when you see one.
36:57Now, these are the finest quality,
36:58top of the range.
36:59They normally retail around the,
37:00what, the 70 quid mark.
37:01I'm selling them
37:02for 30 quid each.
37:03Yeah, you're right, Del.
37:04They are cheap.
37:05Someone's going to get a bargain.
37:06No, no, not someone, Barry.
37:08Not someone, you.
37:09No, it's Andy, Durd.
37:10See, I had a visit
37:11from the council yesterday.
37:12They revoked me license,
37:14closed me down.
37:15Well, where am I
37:15going to get rid of them then?
37:16Well, no, we're local.
37:17I mean, they're closing us all down.
37:18We're selling our stock,
37:20not buying.
37:21What about Soho?
37:22You won't have any joy there, mate.
37:23Their stock rooms are full.
37:25We sold them all our gear
37:26this morning.
37:28Now, I tell you,
37:29Maggie Thatcher's ruined
37:30this business.
37:31At last,
37:32someone's got something
37:33good to say about her.
37:36He's an old sailor.
37:38He's still got a bit
37:38of depth charge
37:39lodged in his brain.
37:41Come on, brother Albert.
37:50Just my luck, innit, mate.
37:52If I could have bought them doors
37:53a couple of days ago,
37:54I could have out of them.
37:55Instead of that,
37:56Dirty Barry and his mates
37:57have flooded the market.
37:59Whilst they got rid of their stock,
38:01I'm lumbered here
38:01with polythene Pam
38:03and Vinyl Vera.
38:05Get off.
38:06I've got a headache.
38:07It's a bunch of punishment,
38:09it is.
38:09Will you stop going on
38:10about God and voodoo
38:11and all that?
38:13Shaking bones
38:14and waving shrunken heads
38:15about next?
38:19No, I know what we'll do.
38:22We'll hang on to them
38:23till the market picks up.
38:25I mean,
38:25it's only like the stock exchange,
38:26innit?
38:27You know,
38:27up and down,
38:28supply and demand,
38:29constantly fluctuating.
38:31We'll hang on to them
38:32and wait for the big bang.
38:39Hi, sir.
38:40Madam.
38:41Oh.
38:44Can I give you a lift home?
38:46Oh, no, thank you.
38:47My mum warned me
38:48about girls like you.
38:49The lift home's all very well,
38:50but you'll expect
38:51a lot more
38:51than a good night kiss,
38:52won't you?
38:53And I am not
38:54that sort of boy.
38:56And I thought you were a sir.
38:57Look,
38:57I promise I won't try
38:58and unbutton your shirts
38:59or take your string vest off.
39:00No, it's all right.
39:02If you give me a lift home,
39:03you've got to go
39:04all the way around
39:04the one-way system,
39:05haven't you?
39:06I'll take a shortcut
39:07through the market.
39:07If you're sure.
39:08You be careful, though.
39:09Oh, look,
39:10the baddies don't frighten me.
39:12I'm streetwise,
39:12aren't I?
39:13Good.
39:15And watch out
39:16for unexploded inflatable dolls.
39:20Didn't you see it
39:21on the news tonight?
39:22No, I'll tell you
39:22it's on the plane.
39:23What'd they say?
39:24You know those, like,
39:24creepy blow-up dolls
39:25you can buy?
39:26Yeah.
39:26What?
39:28There's a factory in Deptford
39:29that makes them.
39:30And apparently
39:30a whole batch
39:31has gone missing
39:31that was accidentally
39:32filled with an explosive gas.
39:35No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
39:36I shouldn't laugh.
39:37No, we shouldn't.
39:38They could prove
39:39potentially dangerous.
39:41Look, Cassandra,
39:41I've got a car.
39:42I don't feel very well.
39:43What's wrong with you?
39:45Anything that matters, sir?
39:47No, it's all right.
39:47I just feel a bit sick.
39:50Look, I'll phone you, okay?
39:51Yes.
39:53That's the third complaint tonight.
39:57Where did we get
39:57those tomatoes from?
40:01You better not be having me on, Rodney.
40:03I'm not that lonely.
40:05White in the mouth
40:06if you're pulling my legs.
40:21I'm not.
40:22I've never heard of anything so daft.
40:23Shut up and keep spraying!
40:39Right, right.
40:43Over there, look. Over there in the corner.
40:47Careful. All right?
40:50Follow them over here.
40:52Go on.
41:01Just dropping them off.
41:07I thought you said you heard a sussing sound.
41:10I did? I was making a funny noise like something was going to happen.
41:16The only thing that's happened so far is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty.
41:21I should have to take it all down to dry cleaners now.
41:24Hell, them dolls are dangerous. They've been on the news everywhere.
41:27How do you know it was them dolls that they was talking about?
41:30I know, right? I just know.
41:35Well, the only thing that I know is I've got 60 quid laying out over there.
41:40We're hanging about here like a couple of spare ones at a wedding.
41:45Oh, come on. I've had enough of this. Come on.
41:47I've had enough of this. Come on.
42:02I've had enough of this. Come on.
42:21Mum, that could have happened anywhere, Rodders.
42:23No, we only just got rid of them in time. We was well lucky.
42:30No. It's not luck, Rodney. It's Mum.
42:34Mum?
42:34Yeah. She's up there somewhere, watching over us.
42:41Oh, yeah.
42:46Old April going, is it?
42:47No, no, no, no.