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00:01Humbug! Humbug!
00:05Humbug!
00:06Humbug, Mr. Baldrick!
00:06Oh, thank you very much.
00:10Well, I've got all the presents.
00:11And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.
00:13Oh, splendid. Let me see.
00:15A very messy Christmas.
00:18I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick, shouldn't that be merry?
00:20A merry messy Christmas?
00:22Alright, but the main thing is that it should be messy.
00:24Messy cake, soggy pudding,
00:26great big wet kisses under the mistletoe.
00:29Yes, I fear, Mr. Baldrick,
00:31that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss
00:33at Christmas or indeed at any other time
00:35is to make a pass at a water closet.
00:39Be that as it may.
00:41A merry messy Christmas.
00:43Christmas has an H in it, Mr. Baldrick.
00:46And an R.
00:48Also an I
00:49and an S.
00:50Also a T and M and A.
00:52And another S.
00:54Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning.
00:57Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick.
00:58Something of a triumph.
00:59I think you must be the first person ever to spell Christmas
01:01without getting any of the letters right at all.
01:04Well, I was a bit rushed.
01:05I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.
01:08Of course. How did it go?
01:10Well, not very well.
01:11At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died.
01:14Oh, dear.
01:15This high infant mortality rate's a real devil
01:18when it comes to staging quality children's theatre.
01:21What did you do?
01:22Got another Jesus.
01:23Oh, thank goodness.
01:24And his name?
01:25Spot.
01:27There weren't any more children,
01:29so we had to settle for a dog instead.
01:31Oh, dear.
01:32I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established
01:34its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind
01:37if all Jesus had ever said was woof.
01:41Well, it went all right till the shepherds came on.
01:44See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep,
01:46so we had to stick some wool...
01:47On some other dogs.
01:49Yeah.
01:50And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them,
01:52he's away.
01:54While the angels sing in peace on earth, goodwill to mankind,
01:58Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep
02:00to give him a piggyback ride.
02:04Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr. Baldwin.
02:07Weren't the children upset?
02:09No, they loved it.
02:12Ah, the playful young scamps, eh?
02:15Still, what a lovely short it is.
02:17At this very moment, all over the country,
02:19from the highest to the lowest,
02:21through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle,
02:24everyone is enjoying Christmas.
02:33What are you doing, Albert?
02:35Nothing.
02:36Oh, yes you are, you naughty German sausage.
02:40Tell me what you're doing.
02:41I just said I'm not doing anything.
02:43Really, woman.
02:44When you're busy ruling India,
02:45you don't tell me what you are doing.
02:47So why should I tell you what I am doing
02:48when I am busy wrapping up this cushion
02:50for your surprise Christmas presents?
02:53Damn!
02:54I have only two surprise presents for you.
02:57Oh, dear Albie, don't worry, I don't mind.
02:59I do.
03:01I love surprises.
03:03Christmas without surprises.
03:06The nuts without a nut crack.
03:09Which is why I have bought you the surprise nut crack of...
03:13Damn!
03:15Damn!
03:16Oh, darling Bovo, don't worry.
03:19Besides, haven't you forgotten something?
03:21What?
03:22Our traditional Christmas adventure.
03:25Oh, yes, of course.
03:26The traditional Christmas adventure.
03:28Huzzah!
03:29Huzzah!
03:29What traditional Christmas adventure?
03:31Oh, silly soldier.
03:33You know when we disguise ourselves as common folk
03:35and go out amongst the people
03:37to reward the virtuous and the good.
03:39Oh, yes, of course.
03:41Dumb cop.
03:42How could I forget?
03:43That is nicked out the sight of...
03:46For it is so precisely such an outing as this
03:48that I have bought you my final surprise present.
03:51This muff which I am going to give you tomorrow.
03:53Damn!
03:55Damn!
03:56Damn!
03:59Excellent, excellent.
04:00What a splendid spread.
04:02Nuts, turkey and presents.
04:04What more could a man desire at Christmas?
04:06Well, a tree.
04:08Oh, of course.
04:08I quite forgot.
04:09I dropped in on Mr Thick Twistle's garden emporium
04:12and I think you'll agree got quite a bargain
04:16on this special Christmas twig.
04:20It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
04:23Yes, but size isn't important, my friend.
04:25It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it.
04:29Besides, look, we've got a whole year's profits
04:32to spend on fun and larks.
04:34How much is it?
04:35Seventeen pounds and a penny.
04:37It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
04:40Well, yes, but in the feeling good ledger of life, we are rich indeed.
04:44Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit short of prezzies
04:47and feeling a gullible Pratt ledger.
04:50Well, bless my ten toes, who could that be on this cold night?
04:54Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve.
04:58Oh, Mr Blackadder!
05:00How can I be merry when we are so poor
05:03we shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day
05:05except what grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails?
05:10No goose for Tiny Tom this year!
05:13Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and drunk like a brick privy.
05:19If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.
05:24But look, there must be something we can do.
05:27Ah, that box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need.
05:31How much did they cost?
05:32A quid a match.
05:34Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts.
05:37Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, so here, take ten pounds.
05:42So you don't want all the matches then?
05:43There's seventeen of them!
05:45Mrs Scratchit, you have the body of a weak woman
05:47but the mind of a criminal genius.
05:49Here, seventeen pounds then.
05:51Lovely!
05:53And my best wishes to your massive offspring.
05:57So, we add seventeen pounds and a penny
06:00and we give Mrs Scratchit seventeen pounds, so that leaves...
06:05Yes, come on Mr Baldrick.
06:06Seventeen pounds and a penny minus seventeen pounds leaves...
06:11Thirty-eight pounds eight shoes enormous!
06:15Not mad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is in fact a splendid shining penny.
06:19Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slapladder. I mean Blackadder.
06:23And to you, young urchin.
06:24A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker. I mean, sir.
06:26I am.
06:29Well, certainly, here.
06:31Are you going to buy some cake and pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother?
06:34Nah, sod back. I'm off to the gin show.
06:38Sure, they grow up so fast these days, bless them.
06:42Oh well, another year without profit.
06:44Still, it is Christmas.
06:46And let us remember, Mr Baldrick, that be we as stony as a biblical execution.
06:51It is still the season of good cheer and we have all our Christmas treats.
06:55Nuts, turkey and presents.
06:58Oh, and my goddaughter, Millicent.
07:01Secure the ornaments, Baldrick, and let her in.
07:04So we can put all our presents under our little tree.
07:07A scarf for me, a pair of gloves, Mr Baldrick, and a hat for me.
07:12Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe this excellent pleasure?
07:15Oh, I just thought I'd pop round, you know, just on the off chance.
07:19Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents.
07:23It is indeed. And look, a lovely hat for my dear goddaughter.
07:27Oh, thanks.
07:28Oh, and look, a scarf and a pair of gloves to match.
07:33That's not bad, I suppose.
07:37Yes, jolly good.
07:38I'm sorry, I can't stop.
07:40I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at lunchtime.
07:43Oh, what a splendid idea.
07:44It'll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend.
07:47So cook a couple of extra turkeys.
07:49Thanks for all the prezzies.
07:51Why don't you take the flipping tree?
07:53Oh, you are sweet.
07:57Bye.
08:00My, what a jolly young girl.
08:03Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents.
08:04Yes, but I thought you and I'd be quite spoiled enough with the turkey and this mountain of nuts we
08:09have.
08:11Well, peel my tangerines.
08:13This is it.
08:14Back.
08:15Ah, beetles.
08:16Charmed, honoured and lovelied in every possible way.
08:19Get back.
08:21Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir.
08:24Peace on earth and fat tums to all men.
08:26Well, indeed, indeed.
08:28And what of your little orphan charges?
08:30Well, I don't think God charges them enough, as a matter of fact.
08:33Luckily, you're here to cover up the shortfall, Mr Blackadder.
08:36They're looking forward to coming tomorrow, perhaps bringing a little surprise for you.
08:40Oh, surely not another totally unexpected rendition of God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder.
08:44Not for me to say, sir.
08:46All I can say is it's Christmas as usual.
08:48Except, sadly, we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day.
08:52Oh.
08:53Well, what luck.
08:54As fate would have it, we have some.
08:56Here, help yourselves.
08:57No, sir, no, sir.
08:58I couldn't take them from you.
08:58Absolutely not.
08:59Is this all, is it?
09:00Yes.
09:01Well, it'll have to do then.
09:02See you tomorrow.
09:05Well, what a jolly fellow.
09:07You look like a fat kid to me.
09:10Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearance.
09:14Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and inside you'll probably find a thing git.
09:21Those orphans were a bit fat, too.
09:23Well, there's some truth there.
09:25Certainly when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects for fear of bursting one
09:30of them
09:30and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies.
09:35Well, what of it?
09:36As long as they're happy.
09:38Well, at least we've still got our turkey.
09:40And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles.
09:42So maybe if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky,
09:48someone will come and reward us.
09:50Come on.
09:52Dear innocent Mr Baldrick.
09:56See?
09:57Well, baste my steaming puddings.
10:04Ah, good evening, sir and madam.
10:06Good evening.
10:06We have come here on a mission to reward the virtuousness Christmas Eve.
10:10Good heavens.
10:12And we have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity.
10:16Oh, well, what tries?
10:17So, please.
10:18Yes?
10:19Give us ten pounds for the virtuous old lady next door.
10:23Well, we'd love to oblige, but I'm afraid we haven't got anything to give.
10:26Sure, you must have something.
10:28What about a goose?
10:29Oh, Albert.
10:30Well...
10:33We've only got a turkey, see?
10:35Oh, that sounds ideal.
10:37Oh.
10:37Well, there's a bit of luck.
10:39Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.
10:42Uh, I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from round here.
10:46Ah.
10:47Nein.
10:49I am from Glasgow.
10:52Ah, a fine city.
10:54I love the Gorbals.
10:56Ah, yes.
10:56Uh, the Gorbals.
10:57I love them, too.
10:58A lovely couple.
10:59Lots of fun.
11:01Bye-bye, birdie.
11:03Very well done, indeed.
11:04Good evening.
11:06Good evening.
11:06And if I bump into Mr and Mrs Gorbals, I give them your regards.
11:15Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick.
11:16It looks as though we're in for a bit of a thin Christmas.
11:19Don't you worry, Mr B.
11:20I'm hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney.
11:23Mr Baldrick, I guarantee that if there's one thing liable to stop Santa coming down the chimney,
11:28it's your sock waiting for him at the end of it.
11:31What, if I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?
11:34Mr Baldrick, if you do hang your sock out, Santa will be dead before he gets within a hundred yards
11:39of it.
11:40Don't you have any other socks?
11:42I've got one other.
11:43Oh, don't worry about them, my dear fellow.
11:45Take one of mine from the linen cupboard.
11:48I'm off to bed.
11:49There's nothing else to stay up for.
11:51Good night, Mr Baldrick.
11:52Night, night.
11:53Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention.
11:55When you were out there, there was this enormous ghostly creature coming here saying,
12:00Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation.
12:04I just thought I'd mention it.
12:08It come through the wall, it said it's peace, and then it sodded off.
12:15Oh, fine.
12:16Good night, Mr Baldrick.
12:17Night, night.
12:18Mr Baldrick.
12:25No!
12:28No!
12:33No!
12:35No!
12:38No!
12:42No!
12:44No!
12:44No!
12:45No!
12:46No!
12:51Can I help?
12:53No thanks, no.
12:54No, no.
12:54Just popped in to say hello.
12:56Spirit of Christmas, how do you do?
12:58Just doing my usual rounds, you know, a wee bit of haunting.
13:01Getting miserers to change their evil ways.
13:03But you're obviously such a good chap that we don't need for any of that nonsense.
13:06So I'll just say cheery-bye.
13:08Cheery-bye.
13:10Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?
13:12You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more medicinal.
13:15Oh, I see.
13:16Oh, I've only got some of Nurse MacReady's Surgical Bruise Lotion.
13:20Nothing but the best at this house.
13:27Delicious.
13:30Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflits to that old fellow across the road.
13:34Bags of money.
13:36I caught him trying to cut down in his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draft excluder.
13:42Oh, dear.
13:43Old people today.
13:45Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?
13:48Well, it's all visions these days.
13:50We used to use black and white line drawings, but the visions are more effective.
13:53Oh, what sort of thing?
13:56Well, it depends, really.
13:57With some people, it's just a glimpse of their behavior at school behind the penny-farthing sheds.
14:02Say, some other people, well, we just show them how rotten their ancestors were.
14:05Of course, with your ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision with a break and
14:10ice cream.
14:12Oh, dear.
14:13That bad, were they?
14:14Did nobody tell you?
14:15Stinkerstar, man.
14:17Oh, perhaps you'd like to see.
14:29Come on, my lord.
14:31Give it a little pull.
14:32You know you want to.
14:35Are you ever so exciting?
14:36Oh, God.
14:41Yes, terrifying.
14:43And look, there's a surprise present for you inside.
14:46It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.
14:51Just what I've always wanted.
14:53You got anything for me?
14:54Oh, it's nothing, really.
14:56Oh, sir.
14:57No, it's really nothing.
14:58I haven't got it.
15:00I've spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen.
15:03She better bloody like it.
15:04She dropped enough hints.
15:06God, that woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
15:13Good morning, Your Majesty.
15:14Christmas again, eh?
15:16What joy.
15:16Don't you just love it?
15:18No, I hate it.
15:20In fact, I've just abolished it.
15:21I'm sorry?
15:23I'll block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers,
15:26and kill anyone I see carrying a present.
15:31What's that, Edmund?
15:34This?
15:35It's a window.
15:38A window?
15:39Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to say.
15:46Well, so much for that.
15:52Ah, that's it.
15:55Greetings.
15:56I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach crumb.
16:01And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder.
16:04May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
16:09I'm glad I saw you.
16:10I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned a Christmas,
16:13so I wouldn't get her a present this year.
16:15Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder,
16:17and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter.
16:19The day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.
16:24Got him with my subtle plan.
16:26I can't see any subtle plan.
16:27Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
16:30and danced naked on top of a harpsichord,
16:33singing,
16:33subtle plans are here again.
16:37It's what we call a double bluff.
16:39Melchick will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him.
16:41Go get an enormous present, give it to the Queen,
16:43and then...
16:43What, he'll turn into a duck?
16:48Yes.
16:52Pity about this, Tinky Wink.
16:54You always used to love this time of year.
17:00Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas,
17:04and then scoffing it,
17:05because I was a princess that can do what I bloody well like.
17:09I'm wondering if your father's wife would last till Boxing Day
17:13without having her head cut off.
17:15We knew if he gave her a hat,
17:18she'd probably be all right.
17:20Happy days.
17:21Yes.
17:23Maybe it was a little rash.
17:26Ah, boys, welcome back.
17:29But, Richard, what have you got under your coat?
17:33It's not a present, is it?
17:35A present, Majesty?
17:37But, of course.
17:38You're so painfully transparent, Bracado.
17:41Am I?
17:42Oh, that's...
17:43Ah, my love, presents!
17:46You know, for a moment I took against Christmas,
17:49but now I'm completely nippy about it again.
17:51In fact, I'd like to marry you!
17:54If you aren't as unattractive as a giant slug!
17:57Oh, fish, Majesty!
18:01But, anyway, to reward you,
18:03I'm going to give you lots of presents.
18:05Um, fancy a castle?
18:06Well, Windsor, Majesty.
18:08Title?
18:08Duke of Kent.
18:09Anything else?
18:10Well, a devilish, saucy wife would be fun.
18:13Lady Jane Pottle!
18:15Oh, yummy.
18:17I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment,
18:19but that doesn't matter, does it, Blackie?
18:21No, of course not, Mum.
18:23And perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked
18:25through the streets of Aberdeen.
18:28I don't think we need to go that far, Blackadder.
18:30No, too kind.
18:31No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.
18:34Super, well done, Melchie.
18:36Oh, no, Blackadder, what have you got me?
18:38Um...
18:39I want a present!
18:41Give me something nice and shiny.
18:43And if you don't,
18:44I've got something nice and shiny for you,
18:45and it's called an axe.
18:47Um, well...
18:48Right!
18:49That's it.
18:50Any last requests, Blackadder,
18:51before I chop your block off
18:52and put it on top of the crimble tree?
18:55Um...
18:56Well, there is one, actually, Mum.
18:58You know how much I've always been
19:00a great admirer of you both.
19:02I was wondering if I could just have your autographs
19:04to keep me company
19:05during the final tragic, lonely hours.
19:08Oh, all right.
19:09There, thank you, Mum.
19:10And Lord Melchett.
19:11Just there.
19:14Oh, dear me!
19:16What is it?
19:17Why, this piece of paper
19:18that Your Majesty has just signed
19:20turns out to be some sort of death warrant.
19:23Oops!
19:25And I can't go back on it
19:27without destroying the whole basis
19:28of the British Constitution.
19:30I fear not.
19:32Is there a name on it?
19:34Well, yes, there is, actually.
19:35It says Lord...
19:35I can't read this terrible childish writing.
19:39Lord Melchett.
19:40Lord Melchett, that's it.
19:41Mam, mam, mam, it's a trick.
19:42You've been tricked.
19:43Oh, God.
19:45Christmas is a time for tricks
19:47and jakes and larks of all kinds.
19:50Tell you what, Blackadder,
19:51that's so brilliant.
19:52I'll execute Melchett instead.
19:54Give me your free time, Mum.
19:58And I suppose that means
19:59that everything of Lord Melchett's
20:01becomes yours.
20:02I suppose it does.
20:05Merry Christmas, Mum.
20:11Good Lord!
20:13Horrible, eh?
20:14What a pig!
20:15Yes, although...
20:16Clearly quite a clever, charming pig.
20:18But no, as you say,
20:20his behaviour, disgraceful.
20:22Ah, you're a great improvement on them all.
20:24You're a good boy.
20:25Them?
20:26Are there more?
20:27Oh, yes.
20:28I'm a shifty at this.
20:35Right, Baldur's.
20:36I'm sick of getting no presents
20:38and the Prince Regent getting the lot.
20:40So this is the plan.
20:41We play our traditional game of charades
20:43and when he gets bored
20:44and asks for a story,
20:45you come out here,
20:46stick the dress and the hat on
20:47and then knock on the door.
20:48I'll take it from there.
20:49Got it?
20:49Got it.
20:50Yes, well, you certainly will get it
20:51if you mess this up.
20:55Ah, hurrah!
20:56Welcome, lads.
20:57Oh, this is the stuff, eh?
20:58Christmas sherry and charades
21:00with honest, manly fellows.
21:02I mean, for heaven's sake,
21:03what can I do with a girl
21:04that I can't do with you, eh?
21:05I cannot conceive, sir.
21:07Yes, please, that's right.
21:09Now, who's first up for the game?
21:10I'd ask old Horatio here,
21:11but he's out of it, I'm afraid.
21:12So it's a little monkey fellow first, is it?
21:14It is, indeed.
21:15Excellent.
21:16Oh, I love charades.
21:17OK, off you go, Bullock.
21:21It's a book.
21:22Well done, Mr. B.
21:23I didn't think you'd get it that quickly.
21:24Yes, I must say, that was damn clever.
21:27Yes, another great Christmas tradition,
21:29explaining the rules eight times
21:31to the Thickey Twins.
21:32The round hasn't, in fact, started yet.
21:34It's got to be a specific book.
21:36For instance, if it was the Bible,
21:37then I'd go like that to indicate
21:38that there are two syllables in it.
21:40Two what?
21:42Two syllables.
21:44Two silly-bulls?
21:45I don't think so, like that.
21:46I'm not in the Bible.
21:48I can remember a fatted calf,
21:49but as I recall,
21:50that was quite a sensible animal.
21:51Oh, hi, hi.
21:52Is it, um, Noah's Ark
21:54with the, uh, two pigs,
21:55two ants,
21:56and two silly bulls?
21:58Two syllables.
22:00What?
22:00Look, we're getting confused.
22:02Let's start again, shall we?
22:03No, let's not.
22:04Like, I don't think the whole game's
22:04getting a bit silly, to be honest.
22:06I want a nice Christmas story instead.
22:08Oh, what a good idea, son.
22:10I'll just get rid of the servant, shall I?
22:11There's a limit to how long
22:12the smell of roasting chestnuts
22:13can blot out the aroma
22:15of Baldrick's trousers.
22:17Don't forget the dress
22:18and the hat.
22:19Hold it.
22:20So, shall I begin
22:21the Christmas story?
22:23Absolutely.
22:23As long as it's not
22:24that terribly depressing one
22:25about the chap
22:26who gets born on Christmas Day,
22:28shoots his mouth off
22:29about everything under the sun,
22:30and then comes a cropper
22:31with a couple of rum coves
22:32on top of a hill
22:33in Johnny Arab land.
22:35You mean Jesus?
22:36Yes, that's right.
22:37I don't know.
22:38Keep him out of it.
22:38He always spoils
22:39the X-mas atmos.
22:41Certainly, sir.
22:42Instead, I shall tell you
22:43a story about...
22:44Oh, my God!
22:45I've gone blind!
22:46Blind!
22:51As I was saying,
22:52this is a story
22:53about a handsome young prince.
22:55Ah, now, this is more like it.
22:57What?
22:57Good-looking, lovely hair
22:58perched on top of his head
22:59like an exceptionally
23:00attractive loaf of bread?
23:01Exactly.
23:02Yeah, I can imagine him.
23:03Excellent fellow.
23:04Well, it's a tale about him
23:06and a sad, lonely old granny
23:08who's dying of cold
23:10on a cruel Christmas night.
23:12Not a comedy, then.
23:13Yes.
23:15And when she thought
23:16that all was lost
23:17and that she would die
23:18on Christmas night
23:18and be swept up
23:20on the Boxing Day morning
23:21mistaken for a huge
23:23dirty handkerchief,
23:25then she knocked on the door
23:27of a handsome young prince
23:28named George
23:29who gave her
23:30all his massive collection
23:32of Christmas presents
23:33and she lived happily
23:35ever after.
23:40Oh, my Satan's sausage blood.
23:42I want a fine tale.
23:44I'm quite moved to tears,
23:46don't you know?
23:47Oh, good.
23:50I wonder who that could be.
23:52Yeah, it's a cold, dark,
23:53cruel Christmas night.
23:54Tricky one.
23:55Could be a robin.
23:56Why, sir,
23:57rather coincidentally,
23:58it is a sad, lonely old granny
24:00who's dying of cold.
24:01Shall I fling her
24:02from your door, sir,
24:03saying that there is no room
24:04in our Christmas
24:05for a sad, virtuous,
24:06silver-haired old elderly angel
24:08like her?
24:09No, Blackadder,
24:10you swine.
24:11Bring her in.
24:11Here we go.
24:15That's all for the rest,
24:15Dr. Baldrick.
24:16Take all you want,
24:17Granny.
24:17You have found
24:18Georgie Borgie,
24:19your handsome prince.
24:20Thank you, sir.
24:23Shall I show her
24:24to the door, sir?
24:24Make sure she doesn't
24:25steal the silver
24:25on the way out.
24:26Oh, no.
24:27Tell her to take it.
24:28You're very generous, sir.
24:31Excellent, excellent,
24:32Baldrick, a triumph.
24:34Baldrick?
24:35Baldrick?
24:37Sorry, Mr. B.
24:39I was just showing
24:40a sweet old granny
24:41to the door.
24:42Are we ready yet, sir?
24:43What?
24:45Well, I answered the door
24:46and it was this sweet
24:47old granny collecting
24:48for charity,
24:49so I let her in.
24:50Ah.
24:52Nothing wrong, Mr. B.
24:53No, don't worry.
24:54I should have known
24:55not to trust a man
24:56with the mental agility
24:57of a rabbit dropping.
24:59Sorry, Mr. B.
25:00No, it's perfectly all right.
25:01It's not your fault.
25:04Still,
25:05I fear for a frail
25:07elderly woman
25:08laden with valuables
25:09travelling through
25:10the inadequately lit
25:11streets of London.
25:12Yes, she's not safe, sir.
25:14Well, not from me, certainly.
25:19Very amusing.
25:20And what wig?
25:22Wigs.
25:23Very amusing wigs.
25:24But his behaviour,
25:25as you say,
25:26disgraceful.
25:27But he actually
25:28got the presents.
25:31Yes.
25:32So there is actually
25:33something to be made
25:34out of being banned.
25:36Technically.
25:37Technically, yes.
25:38Yes, yes.
25:38But that's not the point,
25:39is it?
25:40It's the soul.
25:41The soul.
25:42As a matter of interest,
25:43what would happen
25:44in the future
25:45if I was banned?
25:46Um, Evans,
25:47is that the time
25:48I really must be off?
25:49I'd love to see
25:50Christmas future.
25:51No, no, no, no, no,
25:52no, no.
25:52It's totally melodramatic.
25:53Look, just show it.
25:55Please.
25:56All right.
26:00Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
26:03supreme business
26:04of the universe.
26:05And hail to you,
26:07my triple husbandoid.
26:09I summon you here
26:11to group greet
26:12our swift Imperial Navy's home.
26:15Approach,
26:16Grand Admiral
26:17of the Dark Segment
26:18and Lord
26:19of the High Slung Bottoms
26:21of Zob.
26:22Morning.
26:24To you,
26:25Black Adair,
26:26thrice endowed
26:27supreme donkey
26:28of the trouser pod,
26:29this much greeting.
26:31I too,
26:32bold navigator,
26:33cringe my dribblers
26:34at your resplendent
26:35Pothal Slew.
26:36Yes, well,
26:37that won't be necessary.
26:38Approach your slave,
26:41Baldrick.
26:48For God's sake,
26:49Baldrick,
26:50if you're going to wear
26:50that ridiculous jockstrap,
26:52at least keep your legs together.
26:54Luca,
26:54skip up.
26:57Manestays,
26:57I give you this much greeting.
26:59What do you use
27:00as a foul mamidon?
27:01Scattered to the nine vectors,
27:03my lord.
27:03And the sheep squeezers
27:04of Splatic and Fy?
27:06Have they been suck-creamed
27:07as a Kwanbeast nubble?
27:09Well, they're dead,
27:10if that's what you mean.
27:11But, Commander,
27:12did you vanquish
27:13the Nibble Pibblies?
27:14No, my lord Pigmot,
27:15I did not vanquish
27:16the Nibble Pibblies
27:17because you just made them up.
27:21Excellent, Commander.
27:23You have most pleasantly
27:25wibbled my frosset pouch.
27:27Bring forth the gift
27:29with which you honour.
27:31Majesties,
27:31from a place
27:32where the stars begin and end,
27:34I bring you this.
27:37Oh, lovely.
27:38An ashtray.
27:40Come, Majesty,
27:41he wastes our time.
27:42I yearn to attend
27:4320,000 years
27:44of the two runoids
27:45on the boxpot.
27:47Send him to the sprouting,
27:48J-Bell.
27:49No, wait.
27:50What is it, Commander?
27:52Well, I'll show you,
27:53shall I?
27:58Now, Your Majesty,
28:00I must respectfully insist
28:01that you hand over to me
28:03the supreme command
28:04of the universe,
28:05sew a button
28:06on my spare uniform,
28:07and marry me
28:08this afternoon.
28:09I thought you'd never ask.
28:15So let's get this straight.
28:16If I was bad,
28:18my descendants
28:18would rule the entire universe.
28:20Maybe, maybe.
28:22But would you be happy?
28:24Being ruler of the universe
28:25isn't all it's cracked up to me.
28:26There's the long hours
28:27having to wave at people
28:28the whole time.
28:29You're no longer your own boss.
28:31But, but...
28:31So what if I stayed good?
28:33What bed does the future hold?
28:35Ah, well, I really must
28:36put my foot down here.
28:37I've got four hauntings
28:38and I scare the bugger
28:38to death to do before morning.
28:44Hail, Queen Asphyxia,
28:47supreme misfits of the universe.
28:49And hail to you,
28:51my triple husbandoid.
28:53I summon you here
28:55to group greet
28:56our swift Imperial Navy's home.
28:59Approach,
29:00Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
29:02and Lord of the High-Slanged Bottoms of Zob.
29:06Hail!
29:08And your slave.
29:14What's his name?
29:16I can't remember,
29:17Your Majesty.
29:19No matter,
29:19supreme marshal of the smells.
29:21What news of the foul mammy-dums?
29:24Good news.
29:25Excellent.
29:26For the mammy-dums.
29:28They wiped out our entire army.
29:31Sorry, I got a bit confused
29:33and dropped a bomb on our own lot.
29:35Silence, squiddling.
29:37Bring forth the gift
29:39with which you honour me.
29:40Oh, damn,
29:41I forgot the bloody present.
29:44So one way,
29:45it's glory everlasting.
29:47The other,
29:48it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.
29:50Well, a little simplistic,
29:52but it does at least point
29:53a very clear lesson.
29:54Namely?
29:56Namely,
29:56that the rewards of virtue
29:58are largely spiritual,
29:59but all the better for it.
30:00You don't think it points
30:02the very clear lesson
30:02that bad guys
30:03have all the fun?
30:05No, absolutely not.
30:07The rewards of virtue
30:08are infinitely more attractive.
30:09Picture it.
30:10Quiet evenings
30:12in your hovel alone.
30:13A Bible.
30:15Your own turnip.
30:17Oh, well,
30:18that makes all the difference.
30:20So you're going to be
30:21a good boy, then?
30:22Oh, absolutely.
30:24Would I lie to you?
30:38Mr Blackadder?
30:43Looks like Father Christmas
30:44just forgot about me this year.
30:46Oh, dear me,
30:47but don't be too unhappy,
30:48because if you look very carefully,
30:50there's something
30:50in this stocking from me.
30:52In fact,
30:53it's something I made for you.
30:54Well, that's the kind
30:55of prezzy
30:55that shows the most love.
30:57What did you make
30:58for me, Mr B?
30:59I've made you
31:00a fist.
31:02A fist?
31:03Yes, it's for hitting.
31:05And what's wonderful about it
31:06is that you can use it again
31:08and again
31:09and again.
31:11Well, what do you say?
31:14Thank you, Mr B.
31:16Think nothing of it, Balric.
31:18I, after all,
31:19think nothing of you.
31:21I do, Faith.
31:22How about a penny for the season?
31:24Hark!
31:24Do I hear the voice
31:25of a darling little cherub
31:26at the window?
31:29No, I must have imagined it.
31:38Shall I get out, sir?
31:39No, Balric.
31:40Leave them out in the snow
31:41until I get dressed.
31:42I'll only be about 40 minutes.
31:48Do I hear the words?
31:52Compliments of the season, sir.
31:53We have come to sing, Melanie,
31:55and to make you a gift
31:56of a small pudding.
31:57Three, four,
31:58God bless me to be
31:59at Christmas time
32:00and maybe Jesus, too.
32:01If we were little pigs,
32:03we'd sing
32:03Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy,
32:04wiggie, piggy,
32:07woo!
32:07Oh, piggy, piggy,
32:09piggy, piggy,
32:10Oh, piggy, piggy,
32:12piggy, piggy,
32:16Utter crap.
32:18Thank you very much, sir.
32:19Do we get our Christmas treat now?
32:20Yes, indeed you do.
32:21What is it?
32:22It's a door in the face.
32:24Here you are.
32:26Mr. B, you can't send them out into the world with nothing but a small pudding.
32:30Oh, right you are, Baldrick.
32:32Door.
32:39You know what I'm hoping?
32:41What are you hoping, Baldrick?
32:42I'm hoping that this is all a Merry Christmas, Jake,
32:45and in a moment you're going to go yo-ho-ho and give me a mince pie.
32:49Close your eyes, Baldrick.
32:50Open your mouth.
32:52Yo-ho-ho.
32:58Ah, my dear Millicent's come for her dinner.
33:01And she seems to have brought the fish course with her.
33:06Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
33:09I think it's me.
33:11This is Ralph. He's my fiance.
33:14We're in love.
33:17Oh, dear.
33:19Your conceived love, I should warn you,
33:21is like a Christmas cracker.
33:22One massively disappointing bang,
33:24and the novelty soon wears off.
33:29Shut up.
33:31Oh, Mr. Blackadder!
33:32What's happened?
33:34You've changed from the nicest man in England
33:35into the...
33:36the horridest man in the world!
33:38I was thinking the same thing myself.
33:40When spoken to.
33:42I would explain, my dear,
33:43but I fear that you wouldn't understand.
33:45Blessed as you are with a head that is emptier
33:47than a hermit's address book.
33:51As for you,
33:52are you sure you can keep my goddaughter
33:54in the manner to which she is accustomed?
33:55Oh, yes.
33:57Absolutely.
33:58No.
33:58Splendid.
34:00Congratulations.
34:01Good day.
34:05Out!
34:11Walrick,
34:12I want you to take this
34:13and go out and buy a turkey so large
34:15you'd think its mother
34:16had been rogered by an omnibus.
34:20I'm going to have a party,
34:21and no one's invited but me.
34:24No peace for the wicked.
34:25Ah, Mr. Ebenezer.
34:27I was wondering if you had
34:28perhaps a little present for me,
34:30or had found me a little foul
34:32for Tiny Tom's Christmas?
34:33I've always found you foul,
34:35Mrs. Scratchit,
34:36and more than a little.
34:38As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,
34:39he can stuff it up
34:40his enormous muscular backside.
34:43But he's a cripple!
34:44He's not a cripple,
34:45Mrs. Scratchit.
34:46Occasionally saying
34:47few my leg hurts
34:48when he remembers to
34:49wouldn't fool Baldrick.
34:51He did, actually.
34:53However,
34:54if you want something for lunch,
34:56take this.
34:57It's a pound a lump,
34:58and as much as we have it,
34:59there are 17 lumps left.
35:01But what about my Tiny Tom?
35:02If I was you,
35:03I'd scoop him out
35:04and use him as a houseboat.
35:05Good day.
35:06Oh!
35:10Mr. B,
35:11where's the milk of human kindness?
35:14It's gone off, Baldrick.
35:15It stinks.
35:18Get that?
35:19And whoever it is,
35:20slum the door in their faces.
35:21Otherwise,
35:21I'll slum your face in the door.
35:25Hello, small dwarf fellow.
35:27Is this the house
35:28of the great philanthropist
35:29and all-round softy
35:30Ebenezer Blackadder?
35:31Well,
35:32Mr. Blackadder lives here.
35:33Ah,
35:33that is good,
35:34because we have
35:34a wunderbar secret.
35:36What secret?
35:37Ah,
35:37if I were to tell you
35:38that we're going to give him
35:39enormous fortune
35:40for being so generous,
35:41then it would no longer
35:42be a secret.
35:43Damn!
35:44I'm so stupid.
35:45Damn!
35:45Who would no longer
35:46be a secret?
35:47We are Queen Victoria.
35:50Well,
35:50all three of you.
35:52My dear little hobgoblin,
35:54here is our royal seal.
35:57We have come to present
35:58your master
35:59with £50,000
36:00and the title
36:02of Baron Blackadder
36:03for being the kindest
36:05man in England.
36:06Blimey,
36:06Your Majesty.
36:07Baldrick,
36:08what did I tell you I'd do
36:09if you didn't slam the door
36:10on the faces
36:10of these scrounging loafers?
36:12But,
36:12but,
36:13Mr. Blackadder,
36:13it's more!
36:15I'm not at home to guests.
36:24I flatter myself
36:25we are rather special guests,
36:27sir.
36:28Oh,
36:28of course.
36:29I must apologize.
36:32It is not that one
36:33receives a Christmas visit
36:34from two such
36:34distinguished guests.
36:36Ah,
36:36so you recognize us at last.
36:38Yes,
36:38unless I'm very much mistaken,
36:39you're the winner
36:40of the Round Britain
36:41Shortest,
36:42Fattest,
36:42Dumpiest Woman
36:43Competition.
36:45And for her to be accompanied
36:47by the winner
36:47of this year's
36:48Stupidest Accent Award
36:49is really quite overwhelming.
36:51I cannot be cork it,
36:52fatso.
36:54Don't you realize
36:55that this is the Victorian age
36:56where apart from
36:57Queen Piglet features herself,
36:59women and children
36:59are to be seen
37:00and not heard.
37:01Queen Piglet features?
37:02Yes.
37:03Empress Oink,
37:04as lads call her.
37:06The only person
37:06in the kingdom
37:07who looks daft on her
37:08is that stupid
37:09Frankfurter of a husband.
37:10The Pig and the Frig,
37:12we call them.
37:13How they ever managed
37:14to produce
37:14their 112 children
37:16is quite beyond me.
37:18The bedchambers
37:18of Buckingham Palace
37:19must be copiously supplied
37:21with blindfolds.
37:22That's the ability to
37:23have something
37:23in our entire lives.
37:24Well, all I can say is
37:25you've been damned lucky.
37:30Ah, Bordrick,
37:31this is excellent, excellent.
37:33All the riff-ruff
37:33and the sponges
37:34dealt with
37:35and gargantuan quantities
37:36have tucked to be gobbled.
37:38Here,
37:39have a wishbone.
37:41What do you wish?
37:43I wish there was
37:43some meat on this.
37:45Those last two
37:46were particularly satisfying.
37:48It felt just like having a go
37:49at the real Queen
37:49and Prince Albert.
37:50It was the real Queen
37:51and Prince Albert.
37:52Don't be ludicrous, Bouldrick.
37:54What would the Queen
37:54be doing here?
37:55Well,
37:56she'd come to visit you
37:57to reward you
37:58for being the nicest man
37:59in England
37:59by giving you
38:00£50,000
38:01and the title
38:02of Baron Blackadder.
38:03Bouldrick,
38:03it couldn't have been
38:04the Queen
38:04because when she visits people
38:06she leaves them
38:07her royal seal.
38:08What?
38:08Like this one?
38:09Yes, just like that.