- 3 hours ago
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00:00To be continued...
00:30To be continued...
01:00Yes, my son.
01:06Bless me, father.
01:07Did you sneeze?
01:08No, I sinned.
01:09Oh, did you lie?
01:11No.
01:12Curse?
01:13No.
01:13Steal?
01:14No.
01:14Covet your neighbor's wife?
01:16No.
01:17Come now, you can tell me.
01:18Did you throw her up against the backyard barbecue
01:21and procreate your brains out till she yelled,
01:24Yippee-ay-o-kay-ay?
01:25No, father.
01:26I've done something much worse.
01:28I've betrayed my partner.
01:30I know.
01:31It's the most terrible sin of all, isn't it?
01:33No, I spilled my espresso.
01:35But you still have eight minutes.
01:37I might as well hear this sin of yours.
01:40Thank you, father.
01:41It was a dark and stormy Monday,
01:43just like any other Monday,
01:44except for the sunny ones,
01:45or the partly cloudy ones,
01:47or the ones with a cold inversion layer
01:48and a 30% chance of precipitation.
01:51Things around the office were a little slow.
01:53My partner, Duckman, and I hadn't had a real case
01:55since the Catholic schoolgirl disembowelings of 91.
01:58And even then, the schoolgirl got away.
02:02What?
02:03That black thing on my desk is gonna explode!
02:06Duckman, Detective Agency.
02:08He's crazy!
02:09He's talking to it!
02:11Wait, that's the phone.
02:12This could actually be someone calling with a case!
02:14Tide.
02:15Cold water.
02:16Because it gets my whites whiter.
02:20And then, she walked in.
02:23And I knew our lives were about to change forever.
02:25She was the most beautiful dame I'd ever seen.
02:28And I never say dame,
02:29except when creatively obligated by a film noir parody.
02:35Can somebody cigarette me?
02:51I could tell she was trouble with a capital T.
02:53I was ready with a capital R.
02:55Duckman was reduced to a puddle with a very large P.
02:59Thanks, Ducky.
03:00You know you look like someone who can really handle himself in bed.
03:05And no doubt often does.
03:07My name's Tamara.
03:09Tamara Laboink.
03:10From the moment she opened her mouth,
03:11I wanted to sublet her tongue,
03:13move into her larynx,
03:14and redo the upper incisors in mauve.
03:16Well, not exactly mauve, but mauve-ish.
03:18I need your help.
03:20Someone's trying to tuck me in with a shovel.
03:23Punch my ticket.
03:26Kill me.
03:27Yeah-ha!
03:28Sure!
03:28Actually, I knew that.
03:29Kill you!
03:30All right.
03:30Absolutely.
03:31Yeah, fine.
03:31Sure.
03:31Sure.
03:32Someone ran me off the road last night,
03:40then tried to break into my penthouse today
03:42and crash my party of one in the bathtub.
03:44I barely had time to throw on this trench coat
03:46and climb down the fire escape.
03:48Wait a minute!
03:49You're naked under there?
03:50First my neighbor dies before I paid him back that 20.
03:52Now this!
03:53I went to the local constabulary,
03:55and they didn't believe me.
03:56But something told me you would.
03:58Yeah?
03:59Well, this is one time you're gonna have to prove it.
04:00Prove what?
04:01That you're naked!
04:02Women come here all the time saying they're naked
04:04when they're really wearing skin-colored body stockings.
04:06Show us you're not, we take the case.
04:08Sort of a tit-for-tat, tat-for-tit kind of thing.
04:11Listen, handsome.
04:13If you've got the itch, I've got the scratch.
04:17Here's a hundred, and there's more where that came from.
04:20There is.
04:21Could I get it?
04:22I know what you're thinking, but I won't use my hands.
04:25Just my bill.
04:25Might take five, ten minutes, but I'll sniff it out!
04:27What Duckman's trying to say is, we'll take your case.
04:31Of course we'll take your body.
04:32Fondle your case.
04:33Case your cassavas.
04:34I mean, take, take your case.
04:37Remember at DDA, our motto is,
04:39we just want to see you greased up and semi-conscious.
04:41Happy.
04:41We just want to see you happy.
04:43We changed the motto?
04:44Miss Leboink, is there anyone you suspect?
04:46Well, Nick at the club where I performed said he'd kill me
04:48because I had sex with Frankie the bartender,
04:50who said he'd kill me because I had sex with Bob the doorman,
04:53who said he'd kill me because I had sex with Ray the bouncer,
04:55who said he'd kill me because I had sex with Laos the busboy,
04:58who said he'd kill me because I had sex with Laos the busboy.
04:58So she'd been around the pool more times than Esther Williams on steroids.
05:01There was something about her that made me want to get a membership at her Y.
05:06It felt good to have a real-life client again,
05:08not just a practice kind you build out of Legos.
05:10We decided to go to the speakeasy where she worked.
05:12Hey, you.
05:26I didn't do it.
05:27It wasn't me.
05:28I didn't strangle the German for the letters of transit.
05:31I didn't stab the albino and hide the knife in the hooker's G-string.
05:35I am innocent.
05:37Innocent.
05:37Save it for the light show, Creepola.
05:39I was just looking for the men's can.
05:40Duck Man, maybe we should ask him some questions about Tamara.
05:44Tamara?
05:46That woman makes me crazy.
05:48And when I find her, I'm going to chop her into little pieces,
05:51then throw her into a stew and feed her to a pack of rabid dogs.
05:58But you're probably talking about different Tamara.
06:02See?
06:02Nothing.
06:02I say we head over to the corner table.
06:04Tubby guys sitting under fans always know what's what.
06:07Excuse me.
06:07The name's Duck Man.
06:08The Duck Yetta Man.
06:09Good, sir.
06:10You are amazing.
06:11Right.
06:11Well, I got a couple of questions of you.
06:13An inquisitive sort.
06:14Excellent, sir.
06:15A trait truly to be admired.
06:17Look, I'm a detective.
06:18Detective.
06:18Fascinating.
06:19One never knows what you're going to say next, sir.
06:21Maybe because you don't let me say it.
06:23I want to know if you know anything about...
06:24Know anything.
06:25Know anything.
06:26By Jove, sir, you are a character.
06:29But I must be off.
06:30I'm past due for my return trip to the salad bar.
06:34Salad bar.
06:35Might want to munch on a little more scenery while you're at it.
06:43Supporting players.
06:45Ladies and gentlemen, Drooligans is proud to present the sultry stylings of that sleep-around
06:50slut of a singer who I'll kill if she has sex with George the valet again, Miss Tamara LaBoyne.
06:57Get buckets, gentlemen.
06:58Bucket?
06:59What the hell do we need buckets for?
07:00Hello, boys.
07:11Are you...
07:13ready?
07:14I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
07:27Here is my handle, here is my spout.
07:30When I get all steamed up, watch me shout.
07:33Tip me over and pour me out.
07:35Of all the drool joints in all the world, she has to bring her act into this one.
07:45Pardon me.
07:46Do you know Miss LaBoyne?
07:47Who's asking?
07:48And by that I mean, what's your name?
07:50Why do you want to know?
07:51Stuff like that, because I know it was you who asked.
07:54Well, the name's Duckman.
07:55And where were you at four o'clock this afternoon?
07:57Throwing a rock through a window.
07:58Did it have a note attached to it?
07:59All my rocks do.
08:01And could this be one of your rocks?
08:03It is one of my rocks, but it just so happens that my house was broken into last night,
08:07and that rock was the only thing taken out of my safe.
08:10Aha!
08:11All right, the rock story seems airtight.
08:13But one thing bothers me.
08:14He's the third suspicious character we've talked to.
08:16The third one's always guilty.
08:17What the f...
08:18So much for the rule of threes.
08:27It wasn't pretty.
08:29The whole club had been shot up, and everyone was covered in drool.
08:31And that's not all.
08:33Tamara was in Duckman's arms.
08:35Well, all the really good parts were in his hands.
08:37I knew then that Duckman had fallen for her.
08:40The problem is, I had a secret.
08:42A terrible secret.
08:43I love Tamara, too.
08:44And I could tell by the way she giggled when we were hiding from Duckman in the closet,
08:48and I showed her that little trick I do with my tail that she loved me back.
08:51That's why I'm here, Father.
08:52I've betrayed my partner, and I don't know what to do.
08:55Please, tell me what to do.
08:57I think maybe a diamond ring.
09:01By golly, you're right.
09:02Even though he's my partner, I've got to follow my heart.
09:04Thank you, Father.
09:05I could have never made this decision if you hadn't listened to me and cared.
09:11Shopping Channel, if I buy the three-carat zirconia, do I get the free placemats?
09:15Corny!
09:35What are you doing here?
09:36Uh, I'm on the case, of course.
09:39In order to properly understand a client, it's important to step inside her life.
09:42Tamara seems like someone who likes to lie on her sofa in a man's robe,
09:45smoking a pipe while admiring her own jewelry and setting her carpet on fire.
09:51Never mind all that.
09:52What are you doing here?
09:53Where's Tamara?
09:54My house.
09:55She wanted me to stay in her bed tonight,
09:57in case the killer tried getting to her while she slept.
10:00I see.
10:02Yawn.
10:03Will, I'm a little sleepy.
10:04I'll just leave you to your decoying and head home.
10:07By the by, I wonder if it's faster going by way of your house.
10:10Ah!
10:13Ah, Corny!
10:15Maybe you should stay, too.
10:16Not that I'm nervous or scared or soiling myself.
10:19I just thought maybe you'd like a chance to do this with me.
10:21Be a murder victim?
10:22Ooh, pinch me.
10:24It'll be like old times.
10:25We can go swimming and hiking and horseback riding.
10:27We've never done any of that.
10:29I know.
10:29I'm reading it off the tampon box behind you.
10:31Okay, okay.
10:32I should know better than to try to lie to you.
10:34I am scared.
10:36And there's no one in the world I'd rather be with when I'm scared than you.
10:40You're on my side.
11:05Since when is this your side?
11:06Well, it is at home.
11:08Then go home.
11:08Please, you can have this nice, soft pillow.
11:12Please, please.
11:24Good night, dark man.
11:30Corny.
11:32What is it?
11:34I can't sleep with a hard pillow.
11:38Good night, dark man.
11:42Corny?
11:44Yes?
11:45I was just thinking about how lucky I am, finding Tamara.
11:48I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me.
11:51You know, in high school, I was voted most likely never to have an attractive woman speak
11:54to me.
11:54Also, most likely to be indicted, most likely to wear vinyl, and most likely to end up on
11:58a street corner wallowing in his own sputum.
12:00What?
12:01Then don't leave your yearbook lying around.
12:03I'm going to marry her, Corny.
12:07And when I do, I want you right there next to me, sharing my special day as my best man.
12:11I love you, Corny.
12:12You're the best friend anyone ever had.
12:14You're the best friend anyone ever had.
12:42I love you, Corny.
13:13You're my best friend.
13:31Wow!
13:31What an amazing dream!
13:33Tamara and I were making out, giggling and kissing like a couple of high school kids at
13:36Lovers Lane.
13:37But I can't remember how it ended.
13:38Did you have that before?
13:43No.
13:43Why didn't you wake me?
13:44I thought you were awake.
13:47I suppose this means our weekend in Maui's off.
13:55Yikes!
13:55That could have killed us!
13:56It would have killed Tamara for sure.
13:58She sleeps diagonally, with her feet down here and her head over here.
14:01We'd better turn off the power or that loose wiring will start a fire.
14:05The fuse box is in that closet, right behind her collection of Lithuanian pleasure device,
14:09uh...
14:10Power off!
14:12Let's go!
14:13Hey!
14:14How did you know that door was a pull instead of a push?
14:24This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you, Duckman.
14:26I've spent the night here before.
14:29I'm in love with Tamara, and she's in love with me.
14:32What?
14:33There's no way!
14:34She's in love with me!
14:37No.
14:38No!
14:38No!
14:43You can forget about being our best man!
14:52Ow.
14:53Ow.
14:56I couldn't get Tamara out of my mind.
14:59Who was trying to kill her?
15:00Why did every clue lead nowhere?
15:02I couldn't get Tamara out of my mind.
15:04Who was trying to kill her?
15:05Could I maybe kill Cornfed instead?
15:07Everywhere I looked, I heard her voice.
15:08Everywhere I turned, I felt her touch.
15:10Why does love taste so bitter to a liar's tongue?
15:13Why does hate hurt what heart and hope heals?
15:15How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
15:18And why is he sharpening so many pencils?
15:20What if we need to write something?
15:22Steve Allen doesn't write that much.
15:24Puddinghead!
15:24Turkey goop.
15:25Toe jam!
15:26Some Simpsons wanna be.
15:27That's it!
15:30Take that, Porky!
15:31No, you...
15:32Ah!
15:32You little pork!
15:33Why, I oughta...
15:34You do!
15:35Ah!
15:36Wow!
15:37Sure is dark in here!
15:39Yes!
15:40The interplay between light and shadow is reminiscent of the German Expressionist School of filmmaking.
15:46I keep forgetting.
15:49You never went to college.
15:51Mr. Duckman! Mr. Cornfin!
15:54I hate to interrupt your wacky hijinks,
15:57but tomorrow LeBlink is on the phone.
16:00Who'd she ask for?
16:02Duckman!
16:04Cornfin!
16:06Okay, okay, it was Mr. Duckman!
16:11Woo-hoo!
16:13Excuse me, my porcine pal.
16:16I've got to go meet my girl-a-friend.
16:20Don't worry, it's not my style to gloat.
16:24Neener, neener, neener, neener.
16:26I'm the stud and you're the wiener.
16:28Woo-hoo!
16:29Well, I'm sure you and Tamara can still be friends.
16:41Ooh, college! I'm so impressed!
16:45Gotta kill Duckman.
16:47Take him out of the picture.
16:49Set up Fluffy and Uranus.
16:51Those patsies can take the fall, yeah.
16:53Then tomorrow will be mine.
16:55Mine.
16:56All mine.
16:58I'm so excited! Just you and me, the future ahead of us!
17:20Do you like kids? I know I do.
17:22In fact, I always wanted a few of my own.
17:24Hmm. Anyway, where are we going?
17:26My grandfather's house.
17:28They do weddings there?
17:29Gramsci and I have a, well, special relationship.
17:32If something terrible is going to happen to me,
17:34I want to spend a little time with him before I die.
17:37Hey, don't talk like that.
17:39Well, someone is trying to kill me.
17:41No, I mean, don't use words like Gramsci.
17:43It gives me the creeps.
17:44I've always called him Gramsci.
17:45I love him dearly.
17:46Like I love you.
17:47Well, in that case, you'll call him anything you want,
17:50my little snookum-borkum spooky-wook.
17:52Wait, you're right.
17:53Let's not talk like that anymore.
17:55I can't wait to meet my future grandfather-in-law,
17:59and I'll do anything it takes to make him like me.
18:01Except sponge him down.
18:03There's something about their skin.
18:04No, no.
18:05You only have to do one thing.
18:07Make him laugh.
18:08You see, he's been a little down lately,
18:10and well, when Gramsci's happy, that makes me happy.
18:13And if I'm happy, you're going to be very, very, very happy.
18:21We're on.
18:23Fake dog do?
18:25They make fake dog do?
18:27And he says, good thing I held my breath, or I'd have drowned in there.
18:33Ah, thank you.
18:38Now, you're marvelous, really.
18:39Now, on a more tasteful note, a blind proctologist walks in the room and says,
18:44a pie-eating contest.
18:45Yeah, I've been doing perfect.
18:48Jay, you know what?
18:49What's wrong.
18:50Take me?
18:51Couple something.
18:52Yeah.
18:53If dog.
18:54Name-dealing motion will.
18:55She'll hang out.
18:56All right, I've beenceu adelante.
18:58Well, peppers.
19:00Yougo!
19:01Good again, buddy.
19:03How do you think transitions through?
19:04You say shocking as the other dog never Ö
19:05f zinc Ximaan.
19:06Now, this is time to use more thanection.
19:09It's 10 o'clock.
19:10Now, how is it going?
19:13And how?
19:14No, if he laughs too hard, his heart will give out.
19:17Tamara wants you to kill him.
19:18Because the truth is, that's not her grandfather.
19:20It's her husband.
19:24Her real name isn't even Tamara LaBoink.
19:27It's actually Tamara LaBink.
19:32All this time, she's been impersonating her younger sister
19:34after she killed her last husband, a thin man,
19:36for the double indemnity insurance she'd used
19:38to bribe city officials to get the water rights to Chinatown
19:41so she could finance her search for the Maltese falcon.
19:44Lies, all lies.
19:45And he's my grandfather, I tell you.
19:48He's my husband.
19:49My grandfather.
19:50My husband.
19:51My grandfather.
19:52All right, I'll tell the truth.
19:54He's my husband.
19:56Sorry, we were in a groove.
19:58Go on.
20:00I needed Duckman to make him laugh.
20:01His spastic humor was the kind of lowbrow crap
20:04him he'll actually liked.
20:07Excuse me, I've got something in my eye.
20:11Real nice.
20:16Look, Cornfan, it's you I wanted all along.
20:18I'm still rich from the last guy's insurance.
20:20Let's run away to a place you've always wanted to go
20:23with someone you love.
20:24A secret place you've dreamt about
20:25but never spoke enough to a living soul.
20:32Sorry, Angel.
20:33Maybe I do love you.
20:34But he's my partner.
20:35And when a man's partner is hurt,
20:36you're supposed to do something about it.
20:38You're going up the river.
20:38When you get out of Tehachapi, give me a call.
20:48Or sooner.
20:49Here's my home, office, car, fax, beeper.
20:51That's my private line.
20:52And my mother's number's on the back.
20:53I go there every Sunday.
20:54Could you kind officers loosen these?
21:06I just hate handcuffs.
21:08When I'm not in bed, that is.
21:18Zirconium.
21:19Shaved ice.
21:20It used to be bigger.
21:21I'm sorry, Duckman.
21:23Just thought you should know.
21:25Before the police took her away,
21:26she said she actually did love you.
21:29You mean it?
21:33Thanks, Corny.
21:34For trying.
21:38What's this?
21:41The stuff that dreams are made of, Duckman.
21:43The stuff that dreams are made of.
21:45He did love you.
22:03You know,
22:05you know what?
22:06You know,
22:07that the process was chemical,
22:08you know,
22:08you know what's happening?
22:09You know?
22:10You know what?
22:10What's up?
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