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TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:31Honey, I'm home.
01:06Welcome back to DTV.
01:08You're in the middle of a weekend of macho idiot rock.
01:12That's right.
01:13All weekend long, superficial, adolescent, male posturing and shallow, meaningless songs.
01:18Cool.
01:18This special weekend is brought to you by beer.
01:22Next up, our smashing new band Lizard Schizzard.
01:25This is their latest video, which won them the DTV Music Award for fastest editing.
01:58This is their latest video, which won them the DTV Music Awards.
02:01Wow!
02:02Wow!
02:04Wow!
02:06Wow!
02:08Wow!
02:09Wow!
02:09Wow!
02:12Wow!
02:15Yeah!
02:16Bobby, isn't that too loud?
02:18Thanks, Mom.
02:19With cheese.
02:19Yeah.
02:21It's too loud.
02:23I don't like the values they portray.
02:26Mom, you're overreacting.
02:27Beer, cigarettes, chicks!
02:29He could have heard that anywhere.
02:31Where is he?
02:32Where is he?
02:33Ah, there's the birthday boy.
02:35Ah, the bar's the big day.
02:37Yay!
02:38Presents!
02:39Presents!
02:40Hey, you betcha.
02:41Presents had streamers that worked for your first birthday.
02:44Even a pony.
02:45Pony?
02:45That's right.
02:47Big, juicy one.
02:48Grilled to perfection.
02:49Earl, you'll spoil him.
02:51I just want him to like me.
02:52Is that so wrong?
02:53Honey, you have to earn his love.
02:55God, I could take years.
02:57I'm his daddy.
02:58I want his love now.
03:00Genuine and unconditional.
03:02And I'm willing to pay for it.
03:04Look what daddy got for you.
03:06Presents!
03:07Do you like me?
03:08Gimme!
03:10I'm overwhelmed.
03:11We're buzzing all over the place.
03:13Oh, oh.
03:19Earl, isn't he a little young for sports?
03:22Never too young to learn the fundamentals.
03:25Now, this bag may be a little too heavy for you.
03:28Ow!
03:29Not to mama!
03:30I should have seen that coming.
03:33Oh!
03:36Fortunately, that didn't hurt a bit.
03:43He's been out for a long time.
03:45Is he dead?
03:46No, sweetheart.
03:47If he were dead, there'd be scavengers at the door.
03:49Yeah.
03:50It's my family looking at me with love and concern.
03:52He opened his eyes.
03:54I guess it's a lie.
03:55Not necessarily.
03:55It could just be an involuntary muscle response.
03:58My adoring children.
03:59How I treasure them.
04:02Again!
04:04Is your father still unconscious?
04:06Yeah.
04:07I put a pan under his chin to catch the drool.
04:09That's very considerate.
04:11What are we doing with all this stuff, Ma?
04:13Well, your little brother's outgrown a lot of his baby clothes,
04:16so I thought I'd pack them up and give them away.
04:19Even this?
04:20Oh, that's the nest I made for him when it was just an egg.
04:25Where is he?
04:27Take me out to the ball game.
04:31He's taunting me, friend.
04:32Keep that kid away from me.
04:34Na-na-na.
04:34Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
04:36Mom, take a look at this nest.
04:37I don't think it's ours.
04:39Of course it's ours.
04:40Hey, she's right.
04:41There's a label on it.
04:42Mm-hmm.
04:43What?
04:43Yeah.
04:43Yeah.
04:44Let's see.
04:45This nest is the property of Gus and Glenda Molehill.
04:48If found, please squeeze into any mailbox.
04:50Return postage guaranteed.
04:52You got somebody else's nest.
04:54That's not possible.
04:56Your baby brother's egg was always in that nest,
04:58and the nest never left the house,
04:59except when I went to Lamaze class.
05:01Well, was there a Mrs. Molehill in your Lamaze class?
05:07Yes, there was,
05:08but I don't see how he could have switched nests
05:12unless it was the day of the earthquake.
05:14Now, when the egg is ready,
05:16it will start to crack.
05:18Even though there's not much for you to do,
05:20Lamaze class can still be reassuring for you
05:22and a big moneymaker for me.
05:24I spent 200 bucks for this,
05:26and my butt is falling asleep.
05:28Most importantly, there's no refund.
05:31If you don't like it, leave.
05:34Earthquake, still no refund.
05:35What do you mean there's no refund?
05:39Earthquake!
05:41My egg!
05:42Oh, my dear, dear, dear.
05:43Earthquake! Earthquake!
05:44That's mine.
05:46Oh, I think we have the wrong eggs.
05:48I think you're right.
05:49They look so much alike.
05:50They do.
05:53I guess that's when it happened.
05:55Yeah, that's awfully fascinating.
05:57Could you see if there's a dent in my head?
05:58You know, if the nests got switched,
06:00the eggs might have gotten switched too.
06:02Would somebody look for dents, please?
06:06Then that other lady could have gotten Mom's egg,
06:09and Mom could have gotten her egg.
06:10Yeah.
06:11Oh, jeez, here's a dent.
06:13I'm pretty sure there's brain damage.
06:15Wait a minute, everybody.
06:16Because I think this is big.
06:18Now, if you switched eggs,
06:20that means we could have the wrong baby.
06:23Wow.
06:27The wrong baby?
06:31No.
06:32I refuse to even consider it.
06:34And yet...
06:36Hmm.
06:37Earl, you're not seriously thinking that...
06:39Well, me?
06:40No.
06:40I would never even suggest
06:42that our adorable little cuddle bunny
06:45might possibly belong to another lucky family.
06:49The mind reels at the thought
06:51that some other family
06:52might take away our dimpled bundle of delight
06:55legally and forever.
06:57Oh, me...
06:58And who knows what we'd be left with in exchange?
07:01The chances are
07:02that we'd never get another child
07:04quite as precious as this one.
07:12Earl, he's our baby.
07:14A mother knows.
07:15I don't know.
07:16That nest is pretty suspicious.
07:17He doesn't really look like us.
07:19Yeah, he's pink.
07:20None of us is pink.
07:21Isn't that kind of weird?
07:22Very.
07:23Hey, we owe it to the child
07:25to explore even the most terrible of possibilities.
07:28As awful as it must seem,
07:30and believe me,
07:31I take no joy in this,
07:33we must call the molehills.
07:35Well, I don't know about that, Earl.
07:37What if there's a problem?
07:39That would be terrible.
07:45Come on.
07:46Come on, come on, come on.
07:48Earl, you're not looking forward to this, are you?
07:51No, dear.
07:52It's merely a brave facade.
07:53On the inside, I'm full of despair.
07:57Whoa, coming.
07:59Hey, how you doing?
08:02Gus Smallhill.
08:03Gotta love me.
08:04Gotta love me.
08:06Hey, nice digs.
08:08What are you doing for food here?
08:09Earl, I'm still not convinced.
08:11Hey, this is my wife, Glenda.
08:14Hi.
08:15And this is my boy, Aubrey.
08:18So you must be the mama.
08:21Yes.
08:22And I guess that makes you
08:23not the mama.
08:25Not the mama.
08:26Ha, ha, ha.
08:28Fran, he's a cute green kid.
08:29Hey, my boy looks just like you, Earl.
08:32Oh, no.
08:35Piggy back, Bootsy.
08:37Piggy back.
08:38I love this kid.
08:39He cracks me up.
08:40Am I crazy or what?
08:42Ha, ha.
08:43Ooh.
08:44Oh, yeah.
08:45Again.
08:46Ha, ha, ha.
08:47Hi there, little fella.
08:49Juice?
08:50Is something wrong?
08:52You're not going to hit me?
08:53Dear me, no.
08:54Oh, I just thought you might enjoy a beverage.
08:56It's quite refreshing.
08:58Hmm.
08:59Hmm.
09:02And with the safety nipple,
09:03you eliminate nasty spills.
09:06Hey, this tastes great.
09:08Hmm.
09:09You're a mighty nice little fella.
09:10Oh, please.
09:11It's the least I can do.
09:12After all, you've been such a gracious host.
09:15Oh.
09:15Ha, ha, ha.
09:16Ha, ha.
09:16Ha, ha.
09:17Ha, ha.
09:17Ha, ha.
09:17Ha, ha, ha.
09:18Well, you know, this is my nest.
09:21Isn't it funny how these silly little mix-ups happen?
09:24This is horrible.
09:26It can't be happening.
09:27This rattle's fun and soothing.
09:30It's my gift to you.
09:33Well, it's pretty obvious what happened here, Harl.
09:35I got your kid.
09:36You got mine.
09:38Guess we got our eggs scrambled.
09:40Ha, ha, ha.
09:41Ha, ha, ha.
09:42Egg scrambled.
09:43Hey, that's great.
09:45Hey, thanks for taking care of the kid.
09:48Bye.
09:48You know where to send his clothes, don't you?
09:50Bye.
09:51Oh, yes.
09:52He has had all his inoculations, hasn't he?
09:55What?
09:56Stop right there.
09:57Put my baby down.
09:59Uh, sweetheart, haven't you been listening?
10:02He's not our baby.
10:04If you let our baby go out that door, I'll bite your face off.
10:09Well, you can't argue with that logic.
10:11Well, I mean, you could, but it'd be hard without lips.
10:13How can you let this happen?
10:15Oh, honey.
10:16I know it's upsetting to lose your child, but, well, have you seen the one?
10:20What's the one we're getting?
10:21You're...
10:21We're not exactly trading down.
10:24Nobody is switching babies until I see some absolute proof.
10:31I will run a series of scientific tests on the babies and compare our results in the lab with these
10:40blood samples we've just taken from each father.
10:43Boy, did that hurt.
10:46That didn't hurt a bit.
10:48I just want this settled once and for all, Doctor, so I can take my baby and go home.
10:52Hey, my baby, your baby.
10:55Let's let the experts decide that.
10:57Ah, sweetheart!
10:58Now, listen here, you...
11:00No, no, no, no.
11:01These battery of tests will determine correct parentage beyond any reasonable doubt.
11:06They represent the absolute vanguard of primitive science.
11:11You're a quack!
11:13Shh!
11:13He's a distinguished man of science.
11:15Shh!
11:16Quiet!
11:17Oh, mm!
11:19Uh, Professor, you seem to have an awful lot of electricity working here.
11:23I just thought I should tell you about a health condition.
11:25I don't...
11:28Ah!
11:28Ah!
11:30Ah!
11:31Ah!
11:32Ah!
11:32Ah!
11:33Ah!
11:34Ah!
11:42Again!
11:43Again, again, again!
11:45Ha, ha, ha, ha!
11:48Oh!
11:56Go!
11:59Yahoo!
12:00Ah!
12:03Rester!
12:04Yeah!
12:05Ah!
12:07I have your test results right here.
12:10And I know you're anxious to hear them.
12:12I'm just awaiting one crucial piece of information
12:15before I can release them to you.
12:18Yes?
12:19Lala.
12:20The credit card cleared?
12:21Yeah!
12:22Oh, credit card.
12:23Good.
12:23OK.
12:25Here goes.
12:27The green baby belongs to the Sinclairs.
12:29And the pink baby belongs to the molehills.
12:33Science has spoken.
12:34Now take your babies, go home, and live the rest of your lives.
12:42All right, son.
12:43I'll toss you the ball.
12:44And you hit it.
12:46As you wish, father.
12:47Batter up.
12:49Oh!
12:49Heavens, missed that one.
12:51Oh, bare throat.
12:52Sorry.
12:52Nothing my nose bleeds.
12:53Oh, if you could just get me a tissue.
12:56No, Robbie, get your brother a tissue.
12:58Oh, jeez.
12:59Is he bleeding again?
13:00I have a weak nasal membrane.
13:03He's got a membrane.
13:04Get him a tissue.
13:05That's all I do is bring him tissues and Q-tips and cotton balls.
13:08Did I trouble you for tweezers?
13:10I believe I've gotten a splinter from this rough-cune bat.
13:13Shh!
13:13Don't talk.
13:14You'll pull a muscle.
13:16Uh, tell you what.
13:19Let's play something a little less physical.
13:21All right.
13:22How about a game of peek-a-boo?
13:23Okay.
13:24All right.
13:24Now you cover your eyes.
13:25Mm-hmm.
13:26Now I'll cover mine.
13:27Mm-hmm.
13:28Now, where's daddy?
13:30Where'd he go?
13:32Father!
13:32Father!
13:33Where have you gone?
13:34Huh?
13:34Oh, oh!
13:35Don't abandon me!
13:36Oh!
13:37I'm having an asthma attack.
13:39It's all right.
13:39I'm here.
13:40Daddy's here.
13:41Where's my inhaler?
13:42Inhaler.
13:43Inhaler.
13:44Here it is.
13:45Here it is.
13:46Here.
13:47Here.
13:47Here.
13:49Oh.
13:50Oh, what a cruel, cruel game.
13:53I felt so alone.
13:54Promise me you'll never play that again, Father.
13:57I promise.
13:57I promise.
13:58Just don't bleed.
14:00Oh, dear.
14:02Oh, dear.
14:02Hi, I'm back from the market.
14:04I got nearly everything on Aubrey's list except the low-sodium goat cheese and the sugar-free tofu teething cookies.
14:12Perhaps you could pop out after supper and check other stores.
14:14By the way, did you manage to change the linens in my crib?
14:17They were left in quite a state by your previous child.
14:20My previous child?
14:22Oh.
14:23No.
14:23Oh.
14:24Come on, Franny.
14:26Our real son is celebrating his first birthday.
14:28My baby is one year old and I'm not there?
14:33Ah!
14:33I just want to crawl into the woods and die.
14:38Cake time!
14:39Charlene, your mother wants some cake.
14:41Fred.
14:42Hey.
14:42No wonder you're feeling down.
14:44You don't have a party hat.
14:46Oh.
14:46My baby has been taken from me.
14:49Oh.
14:50Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.
14:52Come on.
14:53Here you go, Mom.
14:56I want the knife.
14:58Give me the knife.
14:58Uh, no cake, no cake, no cake, no cake.
15:00Hey, what's the matter with Mom?
15:02Well, she's overwhelmed with happiness.
15:03Oh.
15:06Oh.
15:09Oh.
15:10Oh.
15:10Well, I got the tissues.
15:12Give.
15:13Huh?
15:14No.
15:14Come on, sweetie.
15:15Now cheer up.
15:16We're celebrating a new addition to our family.
15:19Everyone else is happy.
15:20I'm not.
15:21Me either.
15:22The kid's a real zero.
15:24Oh, no offense.
15:25None taken.
15:26Fortunately, I'm very well adjusted.
15:28You guys have got this all wrong.
15:30This kid is the best.
15:32Hey, watch this.
15:35All right.
15:36Aubrey.
15:36Yes?
15:37Here's a big fat.
15:39Mm-hmm.
15:39Here's a big fat head.
15:42Mm-hmm.
15:43Now what you gonna do about it?
15:44Um.
15:46Um.
15:47Um.
15:47Um.
15:48I haven't the foggiest.
15:50Oh.
15:50Is that the greatest?
15:54Well, I'm happy.
15:57I'll get it.
15:58I don't care what science says.
16:00I don't care what you say.
16:02I want my baby back.
16:04My baby.
16:06Oh, my baby.
16:07It's the mama.
16:08Oh.
16:09Mm-hmm.
16:10People must be warned.
16:12That child is totally, totally horrible.
16:15Well, he does have high spirits.
16:17He spit up all over the carpet.
16:20What toddler hasn't?
16:21After eating the cat.
16:23Ew.
16:24Take your hands off my son.
16:26I won't let that little pig monster back in my house.
16:30No, no, no, no.
16:31Well, I'm not giving him up.
16:32I'm nuts for the kid.
16:33We bonded.
16:34Whoa.
16:35Oh, God.
16:37Ah.
16:37Make a wish.
16:39Oh.
16:40Help me.
16:41To the end of a minute.
16:42I can't let go of my boy.
16:44My arms have a tendency to dislocate.
16:49Stop it.
16:50You're adults.
16:52Can't you settle this like adults?
16:54What?
16:55Weapons?
16:56Costly litigation?
16:57No.
16:58Solomon the Great.
16:59Oh.
17:00Oh.
17:00Solomon.
17:01Yeah.
17:02The Great Judge.
17:04Yeah.
17:05He could settle this once and for all.
17:06He's the wisest dinosaur of them all.
17:09Capital idea.
17:11Da, da, da, da, da, da.
17:12Hey.
17:13If he's so wise, how come he doesn't have a house?
17:15Shh.
17:16You seek an audience with Solomon the Great.
17:19Right, your wiseness.
17:20You ask that I decide the rightful parents of the pink child.
17:24Yes, please.
17:26If I am to resolve this dispute, you must agree to abide by my decision without question.
17:32Mm-hmm.
17:34And you?
17:35I do.
17:37You claim this pink baby as your own?
17:40Why, don't!
17:40No!
17:42You also claim this boy?
17:44With all my heart.
17:47Then, in my divine wisdom, there is only one equitable solution.
17:51To divide the child in two.
17:55Earl, we can't let him do this.
17:58Silence!
17:59Do not question the wisdom of Solomon the Great.
18:02My powers are beyond the comprehension of mere mortals.
18:06And now I shall perform the miracle of divine justice.
18:10With the help of my lovely assistant, Ramona!
18:15Whoa!
18:17Whoa!
18:18Whoa!
18:20Whoa!
18:21Whoa!
18:24Whoa!
18:25Whoa!
18:26Whoa!
18:26Whoa!
18:26Nice box.
18:27Mr. Sinclair, if you would, bring me the pink baby.
18:31Oh, yeah.
18:38Now, place the child completely in the box.
18:40Head there, feet here.
18:42Head there, feet here.
18:43Head there, feet here.
18:44Oh, oh, watch it on.
18:45Hi.
18:47Now, Mr. Sinclair, we've never met before.
18:50Is that correct, sir?
18:51Yes, that is correct, sir.
18:52And no money has changed hands between us?
18:55None whatsoever.
18:55Well, then, how do I have your wallet?
18:59Ha-ha!
19:00Whoa!
19:01Nice!
19:02That's wonderful!
19:03Yay!
19:03Mr. Sinclair, as you can see, this is an ordinary box.
19:09There are no hidden panels, no secret compartments.
19:12Just a simple wooden box.
19:15Yes, it looks okay to me.
19:17You may step back now, thank you.
19:19Now, by the hand for Mr. Sinclair.
19:21Oh, well...
19:22Yes.
19:23Look at this, friend.
19:26And now...
19:27It's empty.
19:27...for the moment of justice.
19:29Ramona, the blades!
19:33The blades?
19:34What?
19:37Yes.
19:38Whoop!
19:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
19:42No flash photography, please.
19:45And now, one child shall become two.
19:49Unless somebody has a problem with that...
19:51Stop!
19:52Ah, yes.
19:53That's it.
19:54I can't let you do this.
19:56I can't let you harm our child.
19:58I would rather let the other family take him than see him hurt.
20:01Oh, Franny.
20:02How can we let him go?
20:04He's ours.
20:05You really want him back, Earl?
20:07I do.
20:09This is great!
20:12I am truly moved by your selflessness and love for this child...
20:18But too late!
20:20No!
20:21No!
20:22Oh!
20:22Again!
20:23Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:25Oh?
20:30Oh, man.
20:36Ah, don't look at me like that!
20:39I'm so so sorry little feet I promise I'll make it up to you I know we can't
20:45play baseball but I can teach you soccer no no nice kick yeah that's my half boy
20:55this stinks what am I gonna do with half a kid come on Glenda let's grab the kid
21:00that's still in one piece before they start dicing him up oh here you go
21:04Sinclair you can take my half I'll take it yeah good luck to you thank you for
21:13the kind hospitality yeah he's my son oh son I don't care if they cut him up into
21:19a thousand pieces I'd still take him home of course I'd have to make a few more
21:22trips but yeah I'd still do it now those were the words that I was waiting to
21:27hear that you love and accept the child unconditionally that is the sign of a
21:33true parent and so you shall have your child back complete and whole Ramona
22:03oh it's great to have your back you know friend there's only one thing that gnaws at me science has
22:09told us that he's not right now
22:10really our child I only wish there was some way I could change that
22:14ah request from the audience Ramona the grand finale
22:21there was a mix-up at the lab my findings are entirely incorrect I apologize completely
22:32well you've been a terrific audience that's our show thank you and good night and
22:37hey friend isn't it wonderful that we live in such a modern age
22:42oh yeah
22:43you
22:44you
22:56you
22:57you
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