- 7 hours ago
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00:03no no no no sweetheart you can't you can't use a proper name why not michael's a word
00:08here i'll use it in a sentence i love my father michael okay you win i don't care why is
00:19it just
00:19when everything is going so great you gotta you gotta go and ruin the whole thing why by using
00:24little words like future oh hey i know where you're going with that first you start with future
00:28then you go to commitment and then that's it we start yelling i don't yell you yell are we gonna
00:34watch the don't tie me down speech now i'm not ready to get tied down where do men get this
00:40tied
00:40down thing tied down is what you do to someone you're gonna torture look sweetheart come here will
00:49you look i don't want to fight okay why don't we just kiss him i wouldn't get so angry if
00:57i didn't
00:58care so much hey we both care lamb chop we just gotta take it slow oh well maybe you're right
01:09but i
01:09just want to believe there's something real between us as real as it gets
01:18babe
01:22oh joey oh woman of the week
01:33micole see woman of the week is hyphenated and you can't use that it's not allowed in this game
01:39this is just a game to you isn't it well i can't afford to be with a guy like you
01:44i am 30 years old
01:48oh not the clock my biological clock is ticking in my ears get a digital
01:55you think just because you're a guy time isn't gonna pass you by well don't kid yourself it is
02:10oops sorry hey i was serious about that woman i'm sorry sorry wait a minute what i can't commit
02:20what you agree with her hey what about you mikey huh i don't see you committing so fast but i'm
02:27i'm
02:27looking i'm trying you're you're running away and and i'll tell you something 50 years from now when
02:33me and my dream wife ethel are playing pinochle with the schneidermans you my little friend are
02:38gonna be sitting in your rocker old and alone eating cream of pathetic soup surrounded by like 99 cats
02:43you're way off
02:45a hundred
02:58you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me no matter where you go
03:08i'm standing by your side i'll be right behind no one knows you more than i do
03:15put your hand in mine i can see a part of me and you
03:22there's something special that comes shining through i hear it in your laughter and i feel it
03:31when you cry i will be right there for you until the day i die you can count on me
03:40no matter what
03:42you do you can count on me no matter where you go you can count on me
03:59okay now that i own the restaurant downstairs i want you to know it doesn't change our relationship
04:03at all feed me
04:08are you sure when when did this happen just like that huh wow no listen thank you thank you for
04:18telling us okay
04:23what lenny
04:26well anyway god died worse what getting married
04:34hey but don't hurry you know i mean you got your soup you got your cats it's good to be
04:39you joe
04:42joey michael's obviously having a lot of fun at your expense why don't you let me in on it
04:46that way i too can yank your chain
04:50joey had a date oh woman of the week
04:58and let me tell you something mikey all right i'll tell you something every one of our married
05:02friends wish they were single okay every one of them wishes that they had the freedom that we have
05:06all right i'm gonna prove that to you how i am gonna have the time-honored ritual that is a
05:11milestone in a man's life you're gonna have a bar mitzvah have a bachelor partner for lenny all right
05:19right here in the loft joey harris style and you're gonna see how much a bunch of married guys
05:23wish that they were me what do you guys normally do at a bachelor party anyway picture
05:29now
05:34great i'll be there no honey traditionally women women are never invited to a bachelor party
05:39they're usually hired
05:44and boys speaking as the landlord of this building i want to say don't worry judge no we're not gonna
05:50let things get out of hand oh good hearing those soothing words from you makes me turn in michael's
05:56direction and say don't make me come up here judge you can relax i'm not gonna let anybody get crazy
06:02you know me
06:04party
06:08party
06:10party
06:11party
06:40party
06:42party
06:43hope all this action doesn't make you think twice about getting mad
06:46no
06:48why not
06:50actually i'm here and i'm thinking to myself thank god this part of my life is over
06:55what are you talking about now come on this is the best part of your life
06:57tonight right here tonight
07:00party
07:01she's taking you tony she's taking you you're distracting me brian i lose to her i'm gonna
07:06kick your butt come on tony come on tony
07:21well thanks for letting me win
07:25oh yeah sure you're welcome hey hey joey hey see you still got that after the ladies eh oh yeah
07:35but that's all i got joey what do you mean well the rest of me uh belongs to my wife
07:41hey let me ask you something i'm in high school you used to be like mr notorious right i mean
07:45you
07:45had a different girl every week so what so i mean you're running around all the time
07:49what makes you decide to just settle now well frankly uh i was pooped
07:59not really come on really yeah i really love my wife and i really love this kid hey look at
08:08this
08:12good looking kid yeah good looking family thanks joe yeah and you know maybe if you're lucky
08:21next bachelor party be for you yeah maybe yeah maybe
08:32boy i just love it when you could be an idiot it doesn't matter who sees you hold it hold
08:37it
08:38back up three
08:45judge judge thank god you are here to stop this madness
08:49michael i told you i can't have this kind of thing in my building
08:53i've called the police told them it was an emergency that means they'll be here in about two hours
08:59meanwhile
09:03let's conquer
09:17hey
09:18hey why so glum chum nobody wants to be me mikey what do you mean everybody seems to be real
09:27happy with
09:27this commitment stuff come on baby face let's go break some bones i'll pass for now hey are you
09:34gonna climb in this ring or am i gonna have to toss you in please get real
09:43so am i hearing that the cat man of soho is considering your long-term relationship
09:47no i mean i'm just listening to what everybody's saying and i'm thinking that maybe you know maybe my
09:51mind's opening i think it's important to have an open mind i think it's open now
10:04sounds like you're saying michael's right
10:06i'm saying maybe i want to hear somebody say i love you
10:11maybe i'm ready to hear somebody say hey joe i'd like to spend my life with you
10:16but most of all
10:20i want to hear somebody say
10:26the ambulance is here
10:46hey dad i'm back hi sweetie how was the party oh just your basic run-of-the-mill bachelor party
10:54you
10:54know nothing special no big deal you didn't miss a thing
10:59morning
11:02morning
11:07who is that lady
11:10she's just a wrestler
11:11what is she doing here
11:16let's find out
11:19excuse me
11:21can we help you with something coffee eggs toast
11:28she's here for all our food
11:32excuse us excuse us excuse us
11:43there's a there's a lady wrestler in the house so nicole and i we're thinking you
11:49oh
11:52hi
11:55hey jojo
11:58nice lady they cracked my ribs last night
12:01that's right jojo flagged me a cab home after the party last night and
12:06i couldn't help notice that he was whining about some little pain so i took him to the hospital
12:11hospital hospital jojo you probably don't remember because they were stuffing you full of all those
12:16painkillers but uh tell them the good news oh
12:23hey i feel much better now
12:26how stupid we got married huh
12:32married
12:39lucy you got some spreading to do lucy
12:52mary well congratulations
12:56yeah i couldn't help overhearing this guy talking about commitment during the party last night and
13:02he just got my little heart all sweaty
13:07i'm crying
13:09you know
13:11this came just at the right time for me
13:13i've been looking for something new in my life
13:17this will do
13:21what were you what what what were you thinking i don't remember what i don't remember i don't
13:26remember i don't i have no idea okay i don't remember one thing i don't remember okay it's
13:30possible i guess it's possible it's very possible it's possible
13:33oh oh god oh god
13:35what did i do what did i do joey what did i do joey what did i do
13:39get a grip
13:42okay all right all right i remember she carried me into the hospital okay and i remember the doctor
13:46gave me a shot for the pain and i remember i remember the doc saying to me i know i
13:50know wait
13:50wait no no no no i remember saying to the doc i say hey doc how long does it take
13:54before the stuff
13:55starts to work so look okay okay right there joe obviously you were married under the influence
14:01okay so obviously there's a way out of this really oh yeah look she she looks like a she looks
14:07like
14:07a very reasonable wrestler you know so what you do is you just explain to her that there's been a
14:11mistake here and we'll back you up all right all right hey anybody see my earring uh no but jojo
14:19has something he'd like to tell you uh excuse me uh uh holly holly yeah listen we gotta talk about
14:28something quit stalling there's nothing to be afraid of oh there it is
14:37well wait you crazy kids going on your honeymoon
14:53come on joe would you think think come on i can't help you if you can't remember what happened
15:03i'll tell you what i remember i remember you yapping about how i couldn't commit i remember
15:08you yapping about me growing all alone i remember yeah i mean that must have bled through into my
15:16subconscious okay maybe i'm a zombie on painkillers maybe it was my body that married her but it was
15:21your yap that said i do so this is my fault that's your theory your theory is that you married
15:33a wrestler
15:34and somehow this is my fault yes that is my theory interesting
15:41okay all right now i have a theory of my own actually which expands upon your theory somewhat
15:47let us assume for the moment that i am in fact your subconscious let me tell you what i see
15:53from inside
15:54your brain nothing nothing at all i brought help
16:04hi boys nothing's the matter
16:09what'd you do darling
16:14remember that wrestler at the party
16:18you asked her out
16:24i married her
16:29say what
16:32don't make me say it again how could you get married in one night
16:36do you have a blood test do you have a license i don't remember i got a ring let me
16:41see that
16:43here
16:47souvenir of the staten island ferry
16:54hey wait a minute wait a minute i remember what happened
17:00got out of the hospital and we took a little walk and we ended up on the staten island ferry
17:07and we were talking to the captain and he asked me a question something like
17:12do you
17:15have a lamp in your tool shed
17:19or it was apartment i was really groggy it was either apartment or tool shed
17:25might it have been do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife that's it
17:34married at sea huh joe well i hate to drop an albatross on your poop deck
17:40but the only thing the staten island ferry captain can do by law is point to the statue of liberty
17:45and
17:46say it's a gift from france wait wait wait wait hold it i got a i got a license
17:59i married these guys
18:03sign captain james t kirk
18:07so that means you're not really married
18:10unless you're a klingon
18:13now all you gotta do is just go up there and then what just just look her right in the
18:17eye
18:19then what then tell her you're not married
18:22and then what sucker punch her and run like hell
18:36honey i'm home
18:41snookums
18:44pumpkin
18:46try bludo just tell her would you you've been putting this off all day just get in there and
18:51explain to her that this marriage was a foolish and impulsive and illegal mistake i can't tell her
18:57why not i love her who better i don't want to be in a body cast sucking tang out of
19:03a straw
19:05hey jojo oh good you're home boy do i got a surprise for you yo nick
19:17look what mommy bought me mommy says i've got what it takes to turn pro she said i could be
19:25a wrestling legend nicole the butcher thank goodness she caught me before i went to college
19:34yeah and hey you like that surprise you are going to love this one now joe tell her now before
19:39this gets worse my mother's moving in oh i got a bad feeling worse
19:45well holly holly listen to me i got a surprise for you oh i love surprises make it cool oh
19:51michael
19:53why don't you pack up your clothes from your old room now that you're here
19:56my clothes his old room well yeah i mean mom's gonna need her privacy and
20:03nicole certainly doesn't need two fathers now that i'm here
20:07well it was really nice knowing you michael don't be a stranger
20:12so jojo what was your surprise
20:18surprise we were never married surprise even if we were nicole's not going to be a wrestler that's
20:24right that's right nobody's going to tell my daughter what she's going to be when she grows
20:27up he's going to be a doctor surprise michael's room is michael's room surprise michael's nicole's
20:33other father he lives here surprise he doesn't go you go
20:42surprise i just wet my pants
20:58oh this can't be good
21:15joey look you did what you had to do and i personally would have done the exact same thing
21:21really absolutely i would have jumped out a window and then tripped down a fire escape
21:26your mother tripped me i'm sure whatever you said well i say we shouldn't tease joey about commitment
21:33anymore that's right you shouldn't because i know what commitment is better than anybody
21:38you do yeah hey i'm committed to this family for better or for worse
21:43always gonna be here nobody's gonna get in the way of that i don't care how strong she is
21:51or how big a mother she's got
21:55but eventually you guys are each gonna you know meet somebody and fall in love and want to get married
22:00right right right but that person's just gonna have to understand that she's marrying into a family
22:06and we may be different than some families that's right doesn't mean we're not committed to each other
22:16wrong house
22:20you
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