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00:03great so why are we late for thanksgiving dinner i'll tell you you i blame you you don't shop like
00:09a normal person you shop stupid so it took a little extra time to find the best cranberry
00:14sauce that money could buy nanny's cranny's big you what do you think nanny is some sweet old
00:22lady in vermont who handpicks cranberries off the trees especially for you yeah i'd like to think so
00:26yeah i hate to break it to you paly but nanny is a big greasy machine in south jersey
00:31yes she's not yes she is squeezes out a thousand cans a minute i'll tell you something else i'm
00:36getting hungry i'm cranky our food's gonna be ice cold and who do i blame you i blame you you
00:40blame
00:40me for everything i don't blame you for everything it's your nature
00:54oh man oh man this elevator's stuck i blame you
01:04you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me no matter where you go
01:14i'm standing by your side i'll be right behind
01:19no one loves you more than i do put your hand in mine
01:24i can see a part of me and you
01:29there's something special that comes shining through
01:33i hear it in your laughter and i feel it when you cry i will be right there for you
01:41until the day i die
01:43you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me
01:51no matter where you go you can count on me
02:01i'm starving where are my dads patience honey you can wait a few more minutes
02:09hi hi i had to walk up four flights of stairs boy am i hungry wait wait chelby we're not
02:16gonna start
02:16yet we're waiting for my dads to get here right
02:21if you ask me i say we should go ahead and meet it could take forever to get them out
02:24of the elevator
02:27you're stuck in there
02:35what are you doing i'm very hungry
02:41hey hey i got my swiss army knife with the can opener on it
02:45don't toy with me joe i got it don't toy with me
02:55i got a can in my hand come on
02:59michael joey you're down here
03:05it's joey's fault hey can you get us out of here
03:08don't worry i'll call a repairman
03:12okay but hurry we're starving down here
03:16okay just don't panic all right who me don't panic yeah hey we've been in tighter situations
03:23it is you shouldn't be embarrassed just because your knees are showing we're all friends here
03:28there's no reason for you to feel uncomfortable
03:32liz it's jeffrey oh my god jeffrey what your ex-boyfriend yes my very large somewhat hot tempered ex-boyfriend
03:40just a minute i'm coming listen jerry's not all gonna understand what's going on here
03:44could you two mind terribly closet yes please thank you are you kidding come on what this actually
03:51happens to real people
03:58fine fine i'm hiding in a woman's closet in my underwear and a psycho jeffrey boyfriend's
04:02outside there's there's no air in here there's no light the walls are closing in and i'm gonna talk
04:09first time huh
04:14what what are you you've done this before the best are the walk-in closets
04:19a lot of them to stretch out case the boyfriend decides to stay the weekend
04:24yeah the worst worst is trying to fit in one of those spaces where you fold up your ironing board
04:30it's real tight but it can be done don't get me wrong
04:36it's a lot better than hanging out the window i've been there
04:43what is this ask mr closet
04:46i didn't want to hide in the closet you ever thinking that maybe maybe if i had a choice i
04:50i want to hide under the bed think michael think you could get really hurt there
04:58look look in here we get to learn all about liz right
05:03hey look at this look
05:07liz is a jogger these are her little running shoes these must be your boyfriend's huh
05:15look at the size of the shoes
05:20that must be like nine feet tall
05:32what the hell is that
05:36liz's boyfriend's a winnebago oh we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die
05:42he's leaving we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die he's leaving we're gonna live we're gonna
05:48jeffrey it was good to see you good to see you too sugar oh shoot almost forgot while i'm here
05:56i
05:56want to pick up my boots
06:10i think we handled that like men hey yeah at the time we had that bed over diana thackeray see
06:16which
06:17one of us she'd pick we handled that like men stupid very stupid men let's lie down and get
06:23comfortable all righty
06:30now this afternoon joey was saying to me and i quote you quote oh michael and i have always
06:36been very competitive hey i didn't come here to quote michael you're being defensive well you know i
06:43feel kind of silly i feel like i'm being analyzed here you got me on a couch and you're asking
06:46me
06:46questions if i didn't know any better i think you were shrink you have a shrink
06:52you're a shrink and i'm an idiot i'm a big idiot are you writing down notes what are you gonna
06:58get write a book is that it are you gonna write one of these uh why all men should be
07:01dead books is
07:02that it like uh women who love jerks by you
07:06huh michael how are you feeling right now are you feeling emasculated no no no i'm not
07:18i'm not i just you you used us and and that's not right i don't want to be one of
07:22these jerky guys in
07:23your books well i could change your name if you like to what bozo would that help i mean tell
07:28me
07:28the truth is am i like the biggest idiot in the book huh or is there possibly some king-size
07:33idiot out there in the universe who could possibly top me
07:48must we say goodbye
08:18love me
08:21good move joe women love a man in a hat you're just jealous because you always want the women that
08:26want me isn't she great michael huh she's got taste she's got style cheese ball
08:34i also spent two years studying art at the sorbonne which is why i am so taken with joey's talent
08:40the sorbonne so you must speak french which means i speak the language of love i speak french too
08:50really really uh doesn't just hearing someone speak french put you into a romantic mood
08:56oui l'amour est mauvailleux d'accord
09:09well i'm uh glad i could be of some help hey what can i tell you michael i just got
09:15this uh this
09:16chemistry with women yep you're a legend joe and i remember the day the legend died how you doing
09:23guys it's joey with a woman we get to see the master in action
09:27what is that i see in your eyes am i wrong or do i see little flecks of gold glittering
09:32in the deepest of
09:33blue like stars flickering on a hot summer night he's the best
09:39he's getting to her he's getting to me
09:43let me say we get out of here huh we go someplace where we can be two people
09:47just lost in each other get the trampoline
09:54do you really believe that a woman with a brain could actually get turned on by what you just said
10:01i think that you're the lowest species of inarticulate grunt that i've ever had to share air with
10:12and i'll tell you something else you rutting little pig
10:18women of substance are not dazzled by cheap pickup lines did you hear what i said
10:24uh we want relationship based on respect and true affection or we want nothing at all see it ain't so
10:34joe
10:38rather than go out with an overgrown adolescent like you i would choose a responsible sensible
10:47compassionate man like like him
11:01you realize this means nothing
11:05i'm completely unaffected
11:13and so the god of love is reduced to schmutz
11:22yep the judge always there for you huh oh yeah kind compassionate i get a few minutes to relax
11:30in my bathtub directly below you
11:34but i take a brief recess to come up here and tell you
11:39don't play basketball in the apartment
11:43you come on and shoot come on
11:48hey you know you've been hurrying me up this whole game
11:51yeah that's because every time i play basketball the dribbling
11:54seems to bother the occupant in the apartment below it's only a matter of time
12:00i've come to fix that terrible banging sound
12:08oh
12:09oh
12:10oh
12:10oh
12:10oh
12:12oh
12:13oh
12:33I lose more balls that way.
12:36If people don't want their feet washed,
12:40you can't wash people's feet against their will.
12:44Leave them alone.
12:50I object.
12:50The man is innocent until he's proven guilty.
12:53Shut up, thief.
12:56You have a lawyer?
12:57No, Your Honor.
12:58I'd like to plead my own case.
12:59I really think a lawyer could help you.
13:06Never mind.
13:08I bring singing telegrams.
13:10I'm no thief, not me, no ma'am.
13:12The VCR they found on me was purely circumstantial.
13:21Believe it or not, Your Honor, this is Mr. Streebeck's third offense.
13:25Maybe we should send him to Sing Sing.
13:32You are one big doofus.
13:36Thank you, ma'am.
13:38The thing that kills me, there's so many things I wanted to do in my life.
13:41I never saw the sun set over the Andes.
13:44Neither did I.
13:45Never ran with the bulls in Pamplona.
13:48Neither did I.
13:50Never had sex in a Korean car.
13:51Never had sex in a Korean car.
14:03No!
14:04The elevator repairman is here!
14:13The main cable in there is really old.
14:17Are my dads in any danger?
14:19Oh, don't worry.
14:20They'll be fine.
14:24Hey!
14:25Hey, how was that?
14:26What are you doing up there?
14:27Didn't enjoy that!
14:29Everything's fine.
14:30Don't panic.
14:32Everything's hunky-dory.
14:36I don't think they're going to make it.
14:39Do you?
14:40I don't.
14:50Just relax.
14:51Uh-huh.
14:52Judge got a repairman.
14:53Okay.
14:53I'm sure he knows what he's doing.
14:54Okay.
14:55All right.
14:58Whoa!
14:59What's that?
15:00What happened?
15:01The repairman is working on the problem.
15:04Don't make any sudden moves.
15:09All right.
15:09Here you go again.
15:10You think you're going to die,
15:11and you're going to get crazy like you always do.
15:13For she's a jolly good fellow,
15:16which nobody can deny.
15:20Happy 40th birthday, Nicole.
15:28You know, I wish I were there to share it with you,
15:30because you know what they say?
15:31Life begins at 40.
15:33But I really wouldn't know that,
15:35because I never made it that far.
15:36I'm dead.
15:39Right enough about me.
15:40Let's talk about you.
15:42I'm sure by now you've chosen the right career,
15:44but if not, please refer to this videotape,
15:47number 27,
15:48labeled Jobs That Would Make Michael Proud.
15:52For this one, 27A,
15:54it's a good thing Michael's dead.
15:58But I'm sure that's not a problem.
15:59I'm sure you're very successful.
16:01I'm sure you're happy.
16:02I mean, after all,
16:03you're 40 years old now,
16:05and I'm sure you're thinking to yourself,
16:07is it still too soon to have sex?
16:10But you know,
16:11what the hell are you doing?
16:13You remember the judge.
16:15Here's the thing.
16:16The judge gives a daughter
16:17to a couple of amateurs
16:18and says you guys will be great.
16:19Oh, and one more thing.
16:21She'll be dating.
16:22Hello?
16:24Oh, hi.
16:28It's too late, Joe.
16:30We've lost her.
16:32I'm really glad you called.
16:34Yeah, I really am.
16:40Saturday?
16:42This Saturday?
16:44Listen to this.
16:45He's asking her out on a date.
16:47A date?
16:48Hey, hey, she's not old enough
16:49to go out on a date.
16:50Oh, come on.
16:51How old were you
16:52when you went on your first date?
16:53It's not the same with guys.
16:55Oh, a little double standard here?
16:57Come on, how old were you?
16:59Eight.
17:01Eight?
17:02Yeah, eight.
17:03How old were you?
17:05Seven.
17:06Right.
17:08Okay, I was 14,
17:08but the girl was seven.
17:13This.
17:14You know why this is wonderful?
17:16Because
17:17in a few seconds, Joe,
17:18our little daughter
17:19is going to timidly
17:20ask us for permission
17:22to go on a very first date
17:24with a boy.
17:25And you know what we'll do?
17:27We will listen to her request.
17:29We will ask her pertinent questions
17:31about her young man,
17:33and then,
17:34with joy in our hearts
17:36and tears in our eyes,
17:38we'll say yes.
17:39This is a great father moment.
17:42Okay, great.
17:43Bye.
17:45Okay, get ready.
17:46Here comes the timid question.
17:47I'm going on a date this Saturday!
17:53The hell you are!
17:57Come on, come on.
17:59Hey!
18:00See?
18:00Nothing's going on.
18:02Ah!
18:08I know this looks bad.
18:10How does this look?
18:15Nicole, you are grounded.
18:17Too bad, Nicole.
18:18You're grounded, too.
18:22Oh!
18:23I almost completely forgot to tell you.
18:25She hates you now.
18:29You want to talk?
18:30Would you like to talk?
18:33No.
18:35No, definitely.
18:36Let's not talk.
18:37I'm going to tell you something, mister.
18:40You think that just because you're a parent,
18:43you have the right to tell me
18:44how to live my life.
18:45But when I try to give you
18:46a well-intended piece of advice,
18:48like your date stinks,
18:50then I have violated
18:51the supreme rule of the universe,
18:53which is the advice
18:54only flows in one direction,
18:56from your mouth to my life.
19:00You're on, babe.
19:05Let me tell you
19:06how the family structure works, okay?
19:08You see,
19:09the father and the father
19:13make decisions
19:14that you may not understand right now,
19:16but in time,
19:18you will.
19:26when you're older.
19:28Here we go.
19:30When I'm older.
19:32Oh.
19:33Well, I'm older.
19:35Now.
19:35And I'm even older.
19:37Now.
19:38I just keep getting older and older.
19:40You know what I'm talking about.
19:42What?
19:42When I'm 900?
19:43Maybe then I'll be wise enough
19:45that I can give you advice
19:46once in a while.
19:47Nicole.
19:47Do not.
19:50Call me Nicole.
19:52Okay?
19:53Nicole is my child name.
19:55I do not respond
19:56to my child name anymore.
19:58And, and, and
19:58what name will you respond to now?
20:04You may address me as
20:07Sigourney.
20:12Inhale, oxygen.
20:15Exhale, carbon dioxide.
20:19Inhale.
20:22Exhale.
20:25Inhale.
20:28Exhale.
20:32Inhale.
20:34Exhale.
20:55This is gonna be one of those moments
20:57in my life I'll never forget, right?
20:59Yes.
21:00If you live.
21:02Dad.
21:03Hi, Nicole.
21:04Go get ready for bed.
21:06It's not all his fault.
21:07I am well aware
21:08of that little miss respiration.
21:09Go.
21:21I, I bet this sort of thing
21:23happened to you once or twice
21:24when you were my age.
21:26Right, Mr. Harris?
21:27Once or twice.
21:30And, and what did the incredibly
21:32understanding father
21:33say to you at such a time?
21:36He said, damn,
21:37this thing's not loaded.
21:46Well, I think I fixed the cable.
21:54Don't move.
21:57If I were you,
21:58I'd run.
22:03How do I get in on this?
22:04Oh, yeah.
22:13Well, we finally made it to dinner, Joe.
22:16Well, I'm just glad we have this whole terrible experience behind us.
22:21What terrible experience.
22:25We're all here together
22:26and we have a lot to be thankful for.
22:30That's right.
22:31Just a couple years ago,
22:32we're just, uh,
22:33three separate people.
22:34Now we're a family.
22:35And who do we got to thank for that?
22:43You're welcome.
22:47Doesn't it seem like yesterday
22:48that we heard those four magic words
22:50that changed our lives forever?
22:52Congratulations.
22:53It's a girl.
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