- 6 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01All right, so here's your schedule for today.
00:04And listen, you got a letter from a fan with a naked picture in it.
00:07I'm gonna need to see that.
00:09I pre-screened this one. It's pretty rough.
00:12Glenn, if a fan of mine went to the trouble to...
00:18Wow, he's hairy.
00:21Hey. Hey.
00:22Hey, sexy. Hey.
00:26As her boyfriend, um, I'm actually gonna take that one.
00:29Really?
00:31Sexy?
00:35Okay.
00:36Uh, where were we? I'm gonna call you.
00:38Right, so, oh, your sister Mary Theresa called.
00:40She's all set for a visit this weekend.
00:42Ugh, that is this weekend.
00:45I can't stand her.
00:47Wait, I can never keep my Tribbiani women straight.
00:49Mary Theresa's the one with the mustache, right?
00:51No, no, that's Cookie.
00:53Or Tina.
00:55Chesa Marie. Grandma.
00:57Mary Theresa is the fancy one.
01:00She thinks she's so much classier than me.
01:02Gina, she's family.
01:03All right, she'll stay here with me.
01:05It'll be fine, okay?
01:06I know how to control the Tribbiani women.
01:08There's a trick with each one of them.
01:09Veronica, food.
01:11Dina, shoes.
01:12Cookie, four, maybe five police officers.
01:14Oh, yeah?
01:16What trick do you use on me?
01:18You think I could trick someone who looks that good
01:20and has an adult son?
01:22A son who's a genius.
01:26Aw, you guys.
01:32Mom, they just told you...
01:33Mike?
01:34Oh, my god.
01:41Come on.
01:43Yeah!
01:46Everything gonna be alright.
01:47You all about y'all.
01:48You want to be alright.
01:49You gotta watched...
01:52Come on!
01:53Everything gonna be alright.
01:55Everything gonna be alright.
01:57Hey, I just checked the board.
02:13Uh, Mary Teresa's plane is here.
02:14Why are you so excited?
02:15I don't get why everyone treats her like she's so special.
02:17She's the baby in the family.
02:19No, Tina's the baby.
02:21But they're only nine months apart.
02:23Wait, weren't all you guys nine months apart?
02:24Yeah, Mom was in a medical journal.
02:27You know, I don't even think I'd recognize Mary Teresa if I saw her.
02:31Oh, she'll be the one talking about her swimming pool.
02:33I bet she mentions that pool three times before we get to the car.
02:36I'll take that bet. How much?
02:38$21.99.
02:39The exact cost of a case of Rolling Rock?
02:41That's right.
02:42I can't believe this is taking so long. I gotta get home.
02:45There's a girl meeting me at the apartment.
02:47Hey.
02:48No, no, she's delivering something for my aquarium.
02:50I bet she is.
02:53No, no, she works at the fish store on Pico.
02:56Yeah, she does.
02:59Okay.
03:00Seriously, stop.
03:00Okay.
03:02Oh, there she is.
03:03There she is.
03:04And the moral of that story is, I love my fool.
03:10Hey, Mary Teresa!
03:12Joey, my celebrity brother.
03:15And Michael.
03:16What a good-looking man you've grown up to be.
03:20And Gina.
03:21Are you okay?
03:22I'm tall and can eat whatever I want, so yeah, I'm doing okay.
03:29So, uh, how was your flight?
03:31Oh, the stewardess said the funniest thing to me.
03:33She said, where did you get that giant ring?
03:35Oh, you got engaged.
03:39Walter proposed last week.
03:41It was so romantic.
03:42We were out by the pool.
03:45He got down on one knee.
03:47You see, Gina, ordinarily when a man proposes,
03:50Dad isn't holding the back of his neck saying, do it.
03:55Dad's face was pretty red.
03:56Hi, honey.
04:02Yeah, I just landed.
04:04No, no.
04:04The switch for the patio lights is inside the pool house.
04:07That's three pay-up.
04:09No, I don't think that one counts.
04:11Judges?
04:11That's a pool mention.
04:12What?
04:12Well, I appeal.
04:13Denied.
04:13Ah!
04:19Wow.
04:20I love your place.
04:21How many square feet is it?
04:22Oh, I don't know.
04:231,600.
04:24That's so funny.
04:25I just got a new Mercedes.
04:28Anyway, uh, yeah, you're going to stay here.
04:31The couch pulls out, so.
04:32Oh, Joey.
04:34I can't sleep on a pull-out couch.
04:36Isn't my big brother going to let me take his room?
04:40Come on.
04:40You're not seven anymore.
04:41That's not going to work.
04:42Pretty please.
04:45I love it.
04:46Get up there.
04:53Hello.
04:54Hey, you.
04:55Ha, ha.
04:56You track me down.
04:59Look, I was going to call you, but I lost your number.
05:03Oh, Joelle, you're here.
05:04Great.
05:05Hey, Michael.
05:06I've got the blacklight for your aquarium.
05:09Oh, you're the fish store girl.
05:12I thought you were someone I slept with and never called back.
05:18Okay.
05:19So some girl shows up and you just assume you've hooked up with her?
05:24Well, it happens a lot.
05:26It's kind of hard to keep track.
05:27Oh, okay.
05:29We haven't.
05:30No!
05:30You are missing out.
05:35So thanks for bringing this over.
05:36You know I could have just come by the store to pick it up.
05:38Oh, it was nothing.
05:39Besides, I wanted to see where you live.
05:41Why is a hot girl flirting with Michael?
05:44It's not very nice, and I have no idea.
05:48So, um, where is the aquarium?
05:51It's in my bedroom.
05:52Ooh, can I see it?
05:53Ooh.
05:53Ooh.
05:56Um, I'd rather not.
05:57It's sort of my private space.
05:59Oh.
06:00Well, thanks for coming by.
06:02Oh, well, if you give me your number, I'll, um, I'll call you when the Tigerfish come in.
06:06Oh, that's all right.
06:07I don't want to end up on a mailing list or anything.
06:08I'll just call you at the store.
06:13Uh, what the hell was that?
06:15What?
06:16It looks like you have an admirer.
06:17Yeah, right.
06:19Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my blacklight are going to go blow some fish's minds.
06:23That explains why Michael didn't get all nervous around that girl.
06:29He has no idea she's into him.
06:30Well, you should tell him, and then you should give him some pointers.
06:33No, no, no.
06:33I've tried.
06:34Every time I get involved, I put too much pressure on him, and he blows it.
06:37I need to just leave him alone.
06:39But he's your nephew.
06:40Look, Alex, the best thing I can do is just live my life in a sexual manner and hope he learns by example.
06:46Oh, good.
06:47The maid's here.
06:49Hola!
06:49We are out of towels.
06:51How'd I jump in the hot tub?
07:02Anyone care to join me?
07:04Gina, can you even go in since you got those things?
07:08Of course I can.
07:11In two more months.
07:12Look at us.
07:17When we were kids, who would have thought you'd end up on a big primetime show,
07:20and I'd end up engaged to the second most successful waterbed salesman in Bergen County?
07:26The second most successful?
07:27Oh, there's no shame in that.
07:29Mr. Waterbed is an institution.
07:32All right, well, I'm going to go inside.
07:35Oh, would you put my ring in your safe?
07:37Uh, I don't have a safe, but, uh, I'll keep it right here in my pocket.
07:41It'll be fine.
07:45My body repels engagement rings.
07:51Joey, hit the switch.
07:52I want to show you guys my black light.
07:53Okay, sure.
07:55Wow, this reminds me of Studio 54 in the 70s.
07:58Yeah.
07:59Wait, you were, like, ten years old.
08:01So?
08:01Well, this is weird.
08:07How come the stones in your bracelet are all lit up, but Mary Teresa's ring isn't?
08:10Under shortwave UV light, only real gemstones will glow.
08:14Wait a second.
08:16Does that mean her diamond is fake?
08:18Oh, God, please let me have this.
08:19I never ask you for anything.
08:22You always ask me for stuff.
08:26Don't do that.
08:27You sound just like him.
08:28Wait, you know, this isn't gluing at all.
08:32This thing's fake.
08:33Is it?
08:34Oh, happy day.
08:36I can't wait to tell her.
08:38Oh, no, you cannot tell her.
08:40Why?
08:41Are you always trying to protect her?
08:43This is my chance to prove to her she is not fancy.
08:46You're just gonna hurt her.
08:47What do you say in the game?
08:49I get to hurt her.
08:53It's really something, isn't it?
08:55It is.
08:56Walter won't tell me how much it costs, but he said I was worth every penny.
09:01Oh, he's right.
09:02You truly deserve this.
09:08I think I'll have some wine before dinner.
09:12Oh, I'd offer some to you, Gina, but I'm guessing you're already drunk.
09:17Hey, I may drink, but at least I'm not dating someone who is constantly being mistaken for one of the three stooges.
09:22Yeah, the best-looking one, Moe.
09:26I know why you're being so petty.
09:28You're just jealous.
09:29Because I have Walter, who buys me lovely things like this.
09:33Buys or digs out of the cereal box.
09:35Okay, why don't you two stop criticizing each other and criticize other members of the family, huh?
09:41Like, what about Tina, huh?
09:43What do we hate about her?
09:44Oh, she is pretty dumb.
09:47Yeah, remember when we told her that jelly beans were diet pills?
09:51Ah, she got so fat.
09:54And then when we told her that jelly beans were birth control pills?
09:57Oh, she got so pregnant.
09:58She might be the dumbest trippiani.
10:02Oh, yeah.
10:02See, this is what I wanted.
10:04You guys get along.
10:06Look at us.
10:07Hanging out, having fun.
10:09No one's talking about Gina's drinking.
10:10Or Mary Teresa's fake ring.
10:12This is great.
10:16My fake what?
10:17I'm dumber than Tina.
10:19I can't believe my ring isn't real.
10:26When am I going to find out next?
10:27That you're not the second largest waterbed salesman in Bergen County?
10:31Fourth?
10:33Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad, but I don't want to leave.
10:37Well, you don't have to worry about how much a wedding's going to cost,
10:39because there isn't going to be a wedding.
10:41And I'm keeping the Mercedes.
10:44Least!
10:46So bad, why'd I have to tell her about the ring?
10:49That serves her right.
10:49Maybe she'll learn not to fall for guys just for their money.
10:51Her whole life she has gone from Walter to Walter.
10:54Wasn't there a David in there?
10:56Oh, jeez.
10:57You are worse than Tina.
10:58I was speaking metamorphically.
11:04Well, screw you, Walter.
11:05Oh, and I have news for you.
11:07Since I've been here, I've been sleeping on a conventional mattress,
11:09and I love it!
11:13Well, you were right.
11:16The ring's a fake.
11:17Oh.
11:19It's not even cubic zirconia.
11:22It's part of a pirate's costume.
11:29Hey, hey.
11:30You're going to be okay?
11:32You're with family, and we are going to help you get through this.
11:35Right, Gina?
11:35Mary Angela, you are not going to believe what just happened.
11:39Gina!
11:40I'll call you back.
11:40I have nothing to go back to.
11:44What am I going to do?
11:46Hey, this could be good.
11:47You know, your whole life you've always had someone like Walter to take care of you.
11:50Maybe this could be a chance for you to stand on your own.
11:53You're right.
11:55I don't need a rich husband.
11:57There you go.
11:58I have a rich brother.
12:00There you go.
12:02I'm going to stay here, and you're going to take care of me now.
12:05Did I just become...
12:12You sure did, Walter.
12:21Hey.
12:22Hey.
12:23Where's Mary Teresa?
12:24I have her laundry.
12:26You did her laundry?
12:27Well, she thinks I'm the housekeeper.
12:29I don't like conflict.
12:30Just please don't tell her that I speak English.
12:32Is that you, Alex?
12:34Un momento, por favor, Miss Mary Teresa.
12:40Oh, Joelle.
12:42Come on in.
12:43What's up?
12:44Well, the fish food came in.
12:47And I thought that you might want to take this bottle of wine and watch the meteor shower.
12:52Maybe we could drive up to Mulholland and check it out.
12:55That's a great idea.
12:56Oh, so far, so good.
12:59Oh, you know who else loves a good meteor shower?
13:01My friend Seth.
13:06We'll invite Seth.
13:08Wow.
13:10You know, actually, that's not what I really want to do.
13:14Okay.
13:15You brought it up.
13:22Um, so, uh, maybe I'll just see you at the store.
13:26Okay.
13:28Bye.
13:31That's weird.
13:33Everyone knows the more eyes, the better at a meteor shower.
13:35I mean, get a clue, Joelle.
13:38I'm gonna go check out the sky right now.
13:40I can't stand this anymore.
13:44That girl is losing interest.
13:46We have to do something.
13:49He will not die a virgin.
13:57Hey.
13:57The stars are amazing, aren't they?
14:00Yeah, they are.
14:02Um, but sometimes when a woman looks at the sky with a man, she doesn't want to talk about the stars.
14:09If you know what I mean.
14:09Yeah, I guess so.
14:13I'm just saying that sometimes you're not great at picking up signals when a girl is into you.
14:19Oh, my gosh.
14:20Yeah, Michael, open your eyes.
14:22Tonight you have this opportunity to...
14:24Michael, what are you doing?
14:27Shh, shh, shh.
14:30Now, Alex, that is the only kiss we can ever share.
14:33Right?
14:34I'm flattered, but you're married.
14:37I'm not talking about me.
14:39You're not?
14:40No, I'm talking about Joelle.
14:42The fish girl likes you.
14:44Yeah, right.
14:45Like I could ever get a girl like that.
14:46She's way out of my league.
14:48Well, you just kissed me.
14:49You think I'd be into you?
14:51Well, yeah, you and I are kind of on the same...
14:52No, we are not.
15:01Oh, you went shopping again.
15:03Yeah.
15:04Here's your credit card.
15:05Thanks for letting me use it.
15:06Well, thanks for taking it out of my wallet while I was sleeping.
15:10I'm going to go upstairs and finish redecorating.
15:12What?
15:15How was your day?
15:16Great.
15:16Awesome.
15:17I quit.
15:19What?
15:20I'd worked for some difficult people.
15:22Betty White put a cigarette out of my arm.
15:26But your sister is by far the worst.
15:30Wow.
15:30I had no idea you were so fed up.
15:32You know, part of my job is pretending to be okay with people's crazy requests.
15:37So were you mad when I made you play hide-and-go-seek at the mall?
15:40Only when I was hiding and you forgot and went to a movie.
15:42I just wanted to let you know that I won't be hanging around anymore.
15:47Mary Teresa fired me as your maid.
15:51What?
15:51Yeah, she found silverware in my purse and accused me of stealing it.
15:54It was mine.
15:55I was taking it back.
15:56I don't even know how it got here.
15:57Oh, oh, we borrowed it for British night.
15:59Glenn dressed up as a butler.
16:00We made him speak in an accent.
16:02Oh, you hated that, too.
16:05You guys are so loud.
16:06I was trying to be creative.
16:07Hey, you don't work here anymore.
16:09No trabajo.
16:10Joey, check her pockets.
16:14God, she is awful.
16:16You have got to tell her to get out of here.
16:17Maybe you're right.
16:18I mean, Glenn, I don't want to lose you.
16:20And Alex, you deserve a second chance.
16:22All right, I just got to think of a nice way to get rid of her.
16:26Leave her in the desert.
16:27Push her off a bridge.
16:28Dale con un coche.
16:29Sorry, hit her with a car.
16:37So, wait, let me get this started.
16:38You're going to buy a real engagement ring,
16:40give it to her, and tell her it's from Walter.
16:42Yeah, that way she forgives Walter, goes home,
16:44and I can go back to dealing with just one crazy sister.
16:50I just can't believe you're doing this.
16:52Why does it bother you so much?
16:54Don't you want her to go back, too?
16:55Well, it's not bad.
16:56It's just the way you treat her.
16:58I don't care if the rest of the family dotes on her,
17:00but you, you should know better.
17:03Are you jealous?
17:05No.
17:06I don't need any of that stuff.
17:08I can take care of myself.
17:10But, you know, every once in a while,
17:12it might be nice to be spoiled.
17:14Gina, we both know that if I did nice stuff for you,
17:16you'd hit me.
17:19May I help you?
17:20Yeah.
17:20Uh, I'd like to buy an engagement ring,
17:22something cheap.
17:23But big.
17:24But cheap.
17:25But a real diamond.
17:26Yeah, yeah, but I don't care if it's cloudy,
17:28or chipped, or stolen from a grave, you know.
17:32May I say, you two are going to be very happy together.
17:36This is my sister.
17:38Oh, so the ring's for someone else?
17:39Yeah, yeah, yeah, my other sister.
17:42Oh, your family's perfect?
17:44Hey, Teresa, could you come down for a second?
17:52I still think this is a stupid way to get rid of her.
17:54I am not leaving her in the desert.
17:56Well, we're going to have to do mine.
17:57Glenn and Alex had ideas, too.
18:01I have something for you.
18:03A mink?
18:03A car?
18:04A pony?
18:05Don't guess.
18:06No, no.
18:07It's from Walter.
18:09Walter?
18:09That's right.
18:10He wanted you to have this.
18:13Oh, Walter, it's so beautiful.
18:17Wow, it really is.
18:19But he lied to me.
18:21He used to win me back.
18:23I mean, where's the speech?
18:24The big gesture?
18:26Well, when Joey was on the phone with Walter,
18:29there was a speech that went along with the ring.
18:31I can't believe he did it without the speech.
18:32Do the speech.
18:33Oh, yeah.
18:39Yeah, right.
18:39Walter told me to say some stuff.
18:41He said that he wanted you to know
18:44that he loves and cherishes you,
18:46that you are the most special woman in the whole world,
18:51and he cannot wait to spend the rest of his life with you.
18:55Oh.
18:57Dad, maybe I'll just keep the ring and stay here.
19:00What?
19:01Wait, no!
19:02Help me.
19:03Mary Teresa,
19:08I am very relieved you are not going back to him.
19:13I have always been so jealous of you.
19:15If you married Walter, it would just drive me crazy.
19:18Really?
19:19Yeah.
19:20If you're not going to go after him,
19:22then I just might have to go after him myself.
19:24I might just have to marry Walter and finally be fancier than you.
19:30I will swim in your pool.
19:32Never!
19:33Never!
19:36You can't have him.
19:37I'm marrying Walter.
19:39Oh, I have said too much.
19:41Now I've lost him.
19:44I'm going to go call Walter and tell him I'm coming home.
19:47Do you have to go?
19:48I mean, if you do, there's a seven o'clock flight.
19:51I better go pack.
19:53I wish I hadn't fired Alex.
19:54I mean, she was a thief, but man, could she fold?
20:01Oh, you going to be okay now that your favorite sister's gone?
20:04Gina, she's not my favorite sister.
20:07No.
20:10I picked you up a little something at the store.
20:15It may be the world's smallest diamond.
20:19Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
20:24I love you, too.
20:28Would you be offended if I tested it under the blacklight?
20:31No, no, I'm curious myself.
20:32It was pretty cheap.
20:37You know what?
20:39If Joelle's into me, I'm going to call her.
20:41You're calling another woman?
20:42Alex is right here.
20:45You said you were going to stop making fun of me.
20:47Yeah, I lied.
20:49Okay, I got her machine.
20:50That's good.
20:50Okay.
20:51Hi, Joelle.
20:52This is Michael.
20:54So, look.
20:54My neighbor was just telling me that I was missing a few signals earlier
20:58and that she wanted to go out with me.
20:59So, uh, I think we should do it.
21:03Uh, I mean, go out, not have sex.
21:05I mean, it would be nice because I'm a virgin.
21:08Um, I mean, I'm not a virgin.
21:11I've just never been with a woman.
21:15Not that I've been with a man.
21:17I just, um, he's actually getting better.
21:22Right, son.
21:23Yes, sir.
21:24Yes, sir.
Comments