- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, over at your lady friends last night.
00:05Is this the walk of shame?
00:06Gina, only women have walks of shame.
00:08Men have walks of...
00:09Yes!
00:10I did it!
00:11Woo-hoo!
00:13So you guys are having fun, huh?
00:15Yeah, ever since we started going out,
00:16Alex has turned into this sex monster.
00:19Check this out.
00:20Those teeth marks, did she bite you?
00:22Those are mine.
00:23I had to bite myself to stop from screaming.
00:26Wow, sweet little Alex has a wild side.
00:28Yeah.
00:30Hey, Joey.
00:30Hey, Alex.
00:31Hey, Alex.
00:33You know, Alex, you and me should hang out more.
00:36What?
00:36You know, do more girly stuff,
00:38like drink too much wine,
00:40massage each other.
00:43Have you ever seen the movie Wild Things?
00:45Hey, I thought Mom and Dad sent you to a camp to get over that.
00:51I'll be right back.
00:52So, sex life is good.
01:03How's the rest of the relationship?
01:04The rest of it?
01:06Oh, you mean like sleeping and trying not to fart in front of each other?
01:08Eh, give it a five.
01:11No, I mean like real relationship stuff.
01:14It's you and Alex.
01:15Shouldn't just be doing it.
01:16You should be having moments.
01:19Like you and Jimmy have moments?
01:21All you do is yell at each other.
01:22So did Ike and Tina Turner,
01:23and that was the greatest love story you ever told.
01:25Yeah, Tina, you really got to watch the end of that movie.
01:30And there's other stuff.
01:32Like the other day, we were playing Monopoly.
01:34I look over at Jimmy,
01:35and he's running over the little dog with the little race car
01:37and guarding away his body with the little wheelbarrow.
01:41And I felt a warmth in my body that, dare I say,
01:44was better than sex.
01:47Wow.
01:49I'm surprised to hear you talk like this.
01:52Well, me and Jimmy have a special,
01:54and I want the same for you.
01:56You know, it keeps me really satisfied
01:58and leaves me wanting nothing.
02:05Except for that.
02:07Come on.
02:08Go put some lipstick on and wash my car, huh?
02:10Oh, okay, sure.
02:18Come on.
02:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:22Everything's gonna be all right.
02:24All right, y'all, all right, y'all.
02:26You wanna be all right, you gotta watch it.
02:28Come on.
02:29Everything's gonna be all right now.
02:32Everything's gonna be all right now.
02:34All right, y'all, all right, y'all.
02:35All right, y'all.
02:36You wanna be all right, you gotta watch it.
02:38All right, y'all, all right, y'all.
02:41You wanna be all right, you gotta watch it.
02:43Hey, check it out.
02:49I just met the hottest girl on the Internet.
02:51Yeah, how do you know she's hot?
02:52Because she described herself to me.
02:56Michael, it's the Internet.
02:57People lie, as I found out when I got you this authentic stormtrooper helmet for five grand.
03:03You can be as cynical as you want, Joey.
03:06This is how my generation meets people, okay?
03:08She says she's a lovely young woman.
03:10I happen to believe her.
03:11Sorry.
03:12I'm sure you'd be very happy with sexy Steve, 87.
03:18So what?
03:19Stevie Nicks?
03:20That's a woman.
03:20Steve can be a girl's name.
03:22Michael, I've gone out with a lot of women, all right?
03:24Never one named Steve.
03:25I've been with four Desdemonas, two Saffrons, and one girl just named Bottle.
03:30Okay, this is a dude.
03:32I'm away.
03:33I'm gonna use your can.
03:33I was down at the track, and as you know, I cannot use any facility where so many strange men have been before me.
03:38And yet you date my sister.
03:39I really gotta go.
03:42That's solid comedy, John.
03:45He's gonna do it.
03:46Okay.
03:50What are you looking at?
03:51Huh?
03:52I got a beard that looks like a raccoon.
03:54Huh?
03:55Whoa, wait a minute.
03:56What's up?
03:56Oh my God.
04:00It's an engagement ring.
04:01Oh my God, he finally bought one.
04:02Joe, my parents are getting married.
04:04This is great.
04:05You're not gonna be a bastard anymore.
04:07Well, actually, Joe, I was already born out of wedlock, so them getting married now doesn't change that.
04:13No, no, I meant you could stop whining about wanting them to get married.
04:15You've been a real bastard about it.
04:16Oh, yeah.
04:17I'm sure.
04:17Look at that, huh?
04:19Wow.
04:20Man, my mom's gonna be so excited.
04:22We can't let her find out.
04:23Yeah, it's gonna be hard to keep it from her.
04:25She's so good at figuring stuff out.
04:26Oh, I'm Detective Gina.
04:29Oh, yeah, look at me.
04:30This is my magnifying glass.
04:31Oh, wait, it's a banana.
04:32Oops.
04:36What's this?
04:37Uh-oh.
04:37Uh, hey.
04:38Is this Jimmy's?
04:39Is it for me?
04:39Uh.
04:41Jimmy, are you gonna ask me to marry you?
04:43What?
04:43You found no ring?
04:44What the hell did you do?
04:45Whoa, why do you assume it was me?
04:50What's the deal?
04:51Are you gonna propose?
04:52Yeah, well, I guess I got no choice now, do I?
04:54Well, if you talk to me like that, then maybe I'll say yes.
04:55Yeah, well, that would make me the happiest man on earth.
04:58Fine, then I'll be your wife and I'll love you forever.
05:00When it's settled, we are betrothed!
05:04They really are sweet to each other, even when they're yelling.
05:07I wish I had that kind of connection with someone.
05:09Me, too.
05:11I'm gonna talk to Alex.
05:12I'm gonna talk to sexy Steve.
05:16Gina.
05:18I want you to be my wife.
05:21Jimmy, it's too big for my finger.
05:23Yeah, well, I've noticed that the Tribbiani women tend to pork up a little bit once married.
05:31Gina, there you are.
05:34I've wanted to ask you out for two years, and...
05:37Heck, you know, something in my gut just tells me now's the right time.
05:44Will you go out with me?
05:46Oh, Howard, I just...
05:47Oh, okay, that's a setback.
06:02Hey, Michael, I...
06:03Okay, where is rock bottom with you?
06:05I'm dancing on my webcam so my girlfriend can watch.
06:09She asked me to do it.
06:12And, uh, how is sexy Steve?
06:14She is turned on.
06:17Did she recommend this cowboy outfit?
06:19That's right.
06:19Isn't technology amazing, Joe?
06:21I mean, she's been traveling on business, but we can do this whether she's in Key West or in Fire Island.
06:25All right, well, I'm gonna leave you to it, buddy.
06:31Wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
06:32She saw you.
06:33She's typing something.
06:34And, oh, okay.
06:35She wants you to make me lick this.
06:43Do you buy a Camaro Z28?
06:45Yeah, 79.
06:45Isn't it awesome?
06:46Yeah, it is.
06:46I was wondering when you came up with the money for it.
06:48Where's my ring?
06:49I sold it and bought the car.
06:50What's your problem?
06:51That ring represented my love for you.
06:53And I cherished it.
06:55And then I sold it and I bought something good.
06:59I cannot believe this.
07:00How could you want a stupid car more than a ring?
07:02Stupid car?
07:03A 78 Z28 is the same car we conceived Michael in.
07:06Oh, that was my car.
07:09All right, look, Gina, why don't you just return the car and go get the ring back?
07:12It's not about the ring anymore, Jojo.
07:15I feel like I don't know who you are anymore.
07:16You know, I don't know how excited I am to marry somebody so selfish and unpredictable.
07:19Well, I don't know how excited I am to marry a control freak with a 24-inch waist.
07:23No, hey, stop, stop, stop it, stop it.
07:25You guys are getting married.
07:27You're going to have angry kids with beards and fake boobs.
07:30All right?
07:31You just need to talk through your problems with someone.
07:33Like, hey, remember when Mary Angela was worried that Donnie wouldn't stop messing around,
07:37so they went down and talked to Father Muldini about it?
07:39Yeah, and that worked.
07:40Their marriage lasted like six months.
07:41Exactly.
07:45Hey.
07:46Oh, you look different from the last time I saw you here.
07:50What are those weird colored fabrics you're wearing?
07:52Oh, right, they're clothes.
07:53Lose them.
07:54All right.
07:55Actually, you know, I thought it might be fun tonight to try to connect on another level.
08:00You know, let's hang out and play Monopoly instead of sex.
08:04Before sex.
08:04Oh.
08:05Huh?
08:06Joey, what is all of this?
08:09Okay, look, Gina said this is how she and Jimmy connect, okay?
08:13That they have these, like, moments.
08:15And what else did she say worked?
08:17Um, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:22You stupid whore!
08:23I hope you die!
08:25Why didn't you say that to me?
08:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.
08:29You go have sex, you go have sex.
08:30Father O'Neil should be here any minute, he's really gonna help you, too.
08:36How do you know this guy?
08:37Oh, uh, I studied him for a law and order I did where I played a priest.
08:41As a master mimic, I was really able to capture his essence.
08:48Hello, Joey, good to see you again.
08:50Top of the morning to you, Father O'Neil.
08:54I bet you think you're talking to a mirror.
08:57Joey, I don't sound like that.
08:58I was born in Encino.
09:01Born in Encino in the shade of a far-leafed clover.
09:06I saw the TV show.
09:07Your performance was nothing like me, and it was offensive.
09:10Arr, I'd be fine in this offensive.
09:13Now you're just doing a pirate.
09:14Yeah, I lost it, come on in.
09:17You must be Jimmy and Gina.
09:19Joey tells me you're very involved with the church.
09:20Yeah, oh, yeah, no, uh,
09:22we're big fans of your pews and your hymnals and your nuns and whatnot.
09:26Yes, we really feel like we've hit our stride.
09:31Well, should we begin?
09:32Yeah.
09:32All right, I'm just going to make a little snack,
09:34and then I'll be out of your way.
09:35Can I get anything for you, Father?
09:37Pine of Guinness, corned beef and cabbage, Lucky Charms?
09:41Mama Mia, make me a pizza pie, pasta pazool.
09:47Sweet.
09:48How does that make you feel?
09:51Not great.
09:52I have some friends who are Asian.
10:00So, uh, you have some concerns about your compatibility.
10:03Well, pre-marriage communication is very important,
10:05and I've come up with an exercise that I think might be useful.
10:08I'd like you to each write down a secret,
10:11something that your partner doesn't know about you.
10:13Oh, that sounds like fun.
10:14Do you have another pad?
10:15Just ignore him.
10:19What kind of secret are we talking about here?
10:21Well, it's important that you feel free to share anything.
10:24Believe me, it's better to have it come out now
10:25than to find out later.
10:26All right, we'll begin with Gina's revelation.
10:30Gina dated 50 Cent.
10:35That's it?
10:35Oh, no, it's too small.
10:36I need my back.
10:37Jimmy, no, this is a safe environment,
10:39and I'm sure no one's going to be shocked
10:40to learn that you...
10:42Oh, for crying out loud.
10:44You're freaking married?
10:48Married?
10:51All right, I don't want to pour gasoline on this fire,
10:53but I've never been to Pennsylvania!
10:55Look, Gina, it was a marriage of convenience, okay?
11:02I went to go visit a friend in prison.
11:04I met this rich lady.
11:05I figured I'd marry her and live off her money.
11:07So you're rich?
11:08Ah, no, my luck.
11:09She ended up losing it all
11:10as a result of legal fees, lawsuits,
11:12and my old fated bid to win the America's Cup.
11:13So it wasn't, like, a romantic thing?
11:17Ah, I'd go there once in a while,
11:19you know, hold hands with her or whatever.
11:20I always meant to get out of it,
11:21but, you know, I felt bad for her.
11:22Plus, she kept making me these neat wooden gifts
11:24like this keychain.
11:25Oh, my God, it looks just like a lion!
11:29What can you make, Gina?
11:34Jimmy, I put up with enough crap from you,
11:35but this is too much.
11:37You take care of this.
11:38Oh, boy.
11:45Really pooped the old bed there, Joe.
11:49All right, I should have handled this a long time ago.
11:51I'm gonna go visit Tracy tomorrow,
11:52but it could get ugly.
11:53Come with me for support.
11:54Sure.
11:55Hey, any chance this prison's in Pennsylvania?
11:58What's the deal with you in Pennsylvania?
11:59You want to see the Liberty Bell
12:01or run up the stairs like Rocky?
12:02Oh, that's in Pennsylvania?
12:03I've been there.
12:08Hey.
12:11Hey.
12:12What's up with the bag?
12:13You going somewhere?
12:14I'm just I-amming with Sexy Steve right now.
12:16She sent me money so I could meet her in Las Vegas.
12:21Okay, Michael, you are not doing that.
12:23Oh, no, I think I am.
12:24Listen to this.
12:25She already booked a room, right?
12:26She wants me to check in, okay?
12:28Put on a blindfold.
12:31Handcuff myself to the bed, right?
12:34And then she and her girlfriend, Tony,
12:36are gonna walk in...
12:37Sexy Steve is a dude, all right?
12:40And I'll prove it to you.
12:40Here, sit down.
12:41Type this.
12:42What?
12:42Did you watch Oprah today?
12:49I hate Oprah.
12:50Oh, my God, it's a dude!
12:51Yeah!
12:51Oh, God!
12:52Oh!
12:59Hey, Alex.
13:00Sure, can't wait.
13:02Great.
13:03Alex is coming over,
13:04and she's gonna want to do it.
13:06Your mom put this crazy idea in my head
13:10that I should have something deeper with Alex, okay?
13:13But all we end up doing is fooling around,
13:15and now that doesn't feel like enough.
13:16I mean, don't you want a special connection
13:18when you talk to, I don't know,
13:20Human Toilet 62?
13:23Hey!
13:24Hey.
13:24What do you say we go upstairs?
13:26We can, but maybe we can hang out
13:28and try and find something else we like.
13:29Look, I know Monopoly didn't work.
13:31Come on, a little less yakety-yak
13:33and a little more hello!
13:34Let's get going.
13:37Alex, there you are.
13:39I've been wanting to ask you something
13:41for the last two years,
13:42and a little birdie told me
13:45that this is the perfect time.
13:47Will you go out with me?
13:49Oh, Howard, I'm with Joey now.
13:53Oh, my God.
13:54Joey, you're off the market?
13:56Who am I gonna go bitch-fishing with?
13:58Oh!
14:02Which one is she?
14:08You know, I don't know why you felt
14:09like you needed to come here, man.
14:11Because I want to see my competition.
14:12That's her isn't it, huh?
14:14No.
14:15Listen, lady,
14:16I want you to get something straight.
14:17Jimmy is mine.
14:18If you try to keep us apart,
14:20I will cut you open like a pig
14:21and watch you bleed to death.
14:23Gina?
14:24Gina Tribbiani?
14:26Mary?
14:27Mary Videdi from high school?
14:30You look so great!
14:32With the hair and the body!
14:34Oh, thank you.
14:35Hey, you still with Tony?
14:36No, I poisoned him.
14:37Eh, it's for the best.
14:39Let's get this over with, huh?
14:40Hey, honey.
14:44Hey, sweetie, how you doing?
14:45This is, uh, my friend Joey.
14:47Nice to meet you, Joey.
14:48Hey, I made you something in shop.
14:50It's the Eiffel Tower.
14:52Oh.
14:54Look, uh, Tracy,
14:59there's, uh,
15:00there's something I need to talk to you about.
15:02Well, wait a minute.
15:03We haven't even seen each other
15:04in over a month.
15:05Don't you want to hold my hand?
15:07Yeah, yeah, no, sure, sure, sure.
15:10Look, uh,
15:11there's no easy way to do this,
15:12but, uh,
15:12I'm in love with someone else,
15:14and I'm here to ask for a divorce.
15:17Oh.
15:18I see.
15:20Ow!
15:20Ow!
15:21Ow!
15:21God, woodchoppers made your hands strong!
15:24Listen, you S.O.B.
15:26You marry me when I'm rich,
15:27and then the minute our relationship
15:28hits a little speed bump,
15:30you just walk away.
15:31Speed bump?
15:32You've been in prison seven years!
15:33Oh, so we're gonna do this.
15:35Well, maybe you'd like to explain
15:36a little bill I got
15:37for a 40-foot catamaran
15:39and sailing lessons.
15:41Okay, look,
15:42you're gonna take these divorce papers,
15:43and you're gonna sign them right now.
15:45Oh, for my dead body.
15:46You're gonna sign these
15:47if I have to make it.
15:50My God, you're strong!
15:53All right, okay, look, Tracy,
15:55uh, Jimmy just wants to live his life.
15:58That's too bad.
15:59He made a commitment to me.
16:01All right, how about this?
16:02You're angry at Jimmy,
16:03but it might make you feel better
16:04to know that he's gonna get his
16:06because the woman he wants to marry
16:07is right there.
16:08Get your damn hands off me!
16:09I am not an inmate!
16:13Look, look, I know this is tough,
16:15but Jimmy loves that crazy lady.
16:17And is it really gonna do you any good
16:18to force Jimmy to stay married to you?
16:22Probably not.
16:24Then do the right thing
16:26and let him go.
16:27Huh?
16:28You'll always have the memories
16:29of the times you shared
16:30at this table,
16:31at that table.
16:35Heck, I bet one time
16:36when the guard wasn't looking,
16:37you even stood.
16:39We were so young then.
16:42So you sign the papers?
16:44I don't want to,
16:45but I guess I have to move on.
16:48I'll just sign these.
16:49Thanks.
16:50That's really the best thing
16:51for everybody involved, okay?
16:53And at the end of the day,
16:54what were you really getting
16:55from Jimmy anyway?
16:56A lot, actually.
16:58I know it's just holding hands
16:59once a month,
16:59but it meant the world to me.
17:01He'd take my hand,
17:03I'd close my eyes,
17:05and the two of us
17:05could be anywhere in the world.
17:11Just holding hands, huh?
17:14Yeah.
17:14Probably doesn't make sense
17:15to a guy like you.
17:16You're probably tearing through tail
17:18like a mother!
17:19Oh, sorry.
17:20I didn't used to talk like that.
17:22It's the prison.
17:24No, no, I get the hand-holding thing.
17:26I'm in a relationship right now
17:28where sex is all I got.
17:30You know, I'll tell you, Tracy,
17:32I find myself wishing
17:33I had a deeper connection,
17:35something more special or intimate.
17:39Joey.
17:41Yeah?
17:42Thanks.
17:55Will you make me a wooden falcon?
18:02Hey.
18:02Hey.
18:03How was your trip to prison?
18:04Great.
18:05Everything worked out.
18:06Jimmy and Gina are getting married.
18:07Oh, good for them.
18:08Let's consummate their relationship.
18:10Wait, wait, wait, wait.
18:11Actually, I had another idea.
18:12Give me your hands.
18:13No, I don't want to do another game.
18:15Come on.
18:16No, I'm not in the mood for that.
18:18All we do is have sex.
18:20Wah!
18:20Wah!
18:23Wow, that sucks.
18:26Okay, fine.
18:26Come on, let's do your thing.
18:27No, Alex, no.
18:28It should be our thing.
18:30A relationship should be about
18:32more than sex, okay?
18:34I've been with plenty of women
18:35where it was just physical,
18:36and if that's all I wanted,
18:37I'd still be with Bottle.
18:38Look, look, sit down.
18:40Look, my point is,
18:42I need to take this us
18:45to the next level.
18:47Well, what does that mean?
18:49Okay, give me your hand.
18:57This is nice, right?
18:58Yeah, it is.
18:59Okay, now close your eyes.
19:01Close your eyes.
19:02Now, we can do anything we want.
19:06Go anywhere we want.
19:08Anywhere.
19:10Okay?
19:13All right, where are you right now?
19:16Hmm.
19:17I'm in Paris,
19:19walking down the Champs-Elysees
19:20with the Arc de Triomphe in the background.
19:23Hmm.
19:24Where are you?
19:25I'm in the kitchen,
19:27making a sandwich.
19:29Oh, no, the bread is stale.
19:32All right, I'm out.
19:33I'm out looking for bread.
19:35Ooh, a bread stand.
19:38French bread.
19:41Can't understand what this guy's saying.
19:43Hey, I'm in Paris, too.
19:46Oh, I see you.
19:47Hey, Alex.
19:50Well, I see you in Paris.
19:51You don't wear a bra.
19:53Yeah, I'm on vacation.
19:54You're coming over to me.
20:01You put your arms around me.
20:04And we kiss.
20:11Wow.
20:12Yeah, I think we just had a moment.
20:16They say we take some of those fantasies
20:18and make them real.
20:19That sounds hot.
20:21Yeah.
20:21What do you want on your sandwich?
20:24Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm currently
20:35in a committed relationship, so
20:37the pamphlet entitled
20:39So You Can't Date Joey
20:40should explain everything.
20:42Actually, I'm looking for Michael.
20:44We were supposed to meet in Vegas
20:45and he never showed up.
20:46And you're Sexy Steve?
20:52Michael!
20:54What?
20:55Sexy Steve is here.
20:57This is Sexy Steve?
20:58Um, hi.
21:02It's nice to finally meet you.
21:04It's good to meet you.
21:06If you want to get a drink.
21:07Maybe back at my hotel.
21:10Um, yes, I would like that.
21:11Maybe on the way I can tell you
21:12how big of an idiot my uncle is
21:14when it comes to women.
21:15Yeah, it's a dude.
21:34Close down!
21:35Just over!
21:35Moscow!
21:40Go, go, go, go, go!
21:45Go, go, go!
21:47Go, go, go.
21:47Go, go, go, go!
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