- 6 hours ago
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00:02Alan. Hi, Michael Taylor. Listen, I'll tell you why I'm calling. One of my best clients
00:07has two daughters in town, and I need an escort for one of them. So, no, I can't ask Joey.
00:13I can't. No, because, you know, these are nice girls, and, you know, he's a dog, you
00:20know. So what I'm thinking is I need somebody with a little more self-control, you know,
00:25somebody who's worldly and, you know, charming, fun to be with, and a priest. And that would
00:30be you, Father. How's Sundays for you? I'm kidding. Come on. Yeah, she is cute. Oh, you
00:39were kidding. Say that. Yeah, well, you know, just get back to me after bingo. Okay, see
00:44you. Bye. Hi. So, who's cute? What? Well, you said she is cute. Who's she who's cute? Oh,
00:54on the phone? No, I didn't say she's cute. I said, I said cheese, cheese coat. Cheese.
01:00You said cheese coat? I said cheese coat, and I mean cheese coat. So, you got a double date,
01:05and you're not asking me to be the other guy, huh? All I said was cheese coat. If I said
01:10cheese boat, would we be having this conversation? Cheese boat? No, that don't make any sense.
01:19Look, Joey, it's nothing personal, okay? It's nothing personal. It just has more to do with
01:22you as a person. Look, it's a very important business, client. It's very important. You'll
01:27understand it when you're older. Really. What's that for? It's 5.30. Oh, hey, hey, hey. That's
01:34right. You want the honors? No, you know what? I got it yesterday. Your turn today. Please.
01:43Every day, same day. Hello. Father's here. Authority figures. Both of us.
01:53Come on. Come on. Get in here. Hey, Dads. Hey, Mr. Harris. Mr. Taylor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:00Want to watch some TV? Sure.
02:04Here it is. They don't care about us. They literally don't care. It's like,
02:09it's like we're invisible. Here. What's this?
02:17He said,
02:18They're not coming. We want to go home.
02:26I love being alone with you.
02:31Is this the hand that got hurt?
02:34Uh-huh.
02:38Better?
02:39Uh-huh.
02:42How about Matthew?
02:45Uh, I was thinking more like Jennifer.
02:48Let's not argue. We'll just have a boy and a girl.
02:51Oops. You gotta go.
02:53Yep. Great to see you. But you gotta go.
02:55It's getting late.
02:55All right.
02:56That's right.
02:56Okay. Good.
02:57See you.
02:57Later.
02:58Yeah.
03:00What are you doing kicking my boyfriend out of my house?
03:04Oh, out of your house?
03:06No, no. My house.
03:07And in my house, he's not your boyfriend. He's my boyfriend.
03:15What he's trying to say.
03:16What is wrong with Zach?
03:17Nothing. Nothing. It's just that you're seeing too much of him.
03:20All right? It's not healthy.
03:22For who?
03:24For me. I'm sick of it.
03:26Look, you guys are really getting too close.
03:28You're spending all your time together. It's like you guys are married.
03:31So what? We could be someday. We're right for each other.
03:35No, no. Look, you are way too young to have an exclusive relationship.
03:39You gotta go out with a hundred wrong guys till you can find the right guy.
03:44But that's horrible.
03:45That's life. You know, dating can be a horrible, painful process.
03:49And we don't want you missing out on it.
03:55Are you listening to yourself?
03:57Okay, okay. Wait, did you plan on seeing Zach exclusively for the rest of your life?
04:01I don't know. Maybe.
04:04Oh, maybe?
04:04Look, then maybe you should go out with somebody else once in a while.
04:06I don't think so.
04:08Well, then maybe, maybe we shouldn't ask.
04:10You have to. You have to go out with somebody, another guy, before you go out with Zach again.
04:14Why?
04:15Because we said so.
04:17What kind of a reason is that?
04:20My father's reason.
04:25Fine.
04:28You were beautiful, babe.
04:29Oh, you were very good.
04:30Really, very, very good there.
04:33Are you sure we were right?
04:35We can't be wrong.
04:36We were too loud to be wrong.
04:47No matter what you do, you can count on me.
04:52No matter where you go, standing by your side, I'll be right behind.
04:58No one loves you more than I do.
05:01No one loves you more than I do.
05:01Put your hand in mine.
05:03I can see a part of me in you.
05:08There's something special that comes shining through.
05:13I hear it in your laughter, and I feel it when you cry.
05:18I will be right there for you until the day I die.
05:23You can count on me, no matter what you do, you can count on me.
05:31No matter where you go, you can count on me.
05:41All right, OK, Nicole.
05:42You looking for Mr. Wrong?
05:43Here he is.
05:45Morton Doveson, 10th grade.
05:47He looks a little old for 10th grade.
05:50Yeah, well, he's 24.
05:53What do you think, Nicole?
05:54Bad enough?
05:55We can do worse.
05:57OK.
05:58Herbie Richter.
06:00No, no good.
06:02He's got a nice smile.
06:03Yeah, well, I caught him at a happy moment.
06:05He just ate a booger.
06:10Put him in the possible pile.
06:13Gross.
06:14Nicole, how could you even think of being seen with a guy like that?
06:19It's the only way I'm going to show my dads how crazy they are.
06:22Next.
06:24Lothar Boyle.
06:28Ew, what's that little hairy thing on his shoulder?
06:31His head.
06:37Burn it.
06:39OK, Nicole.
06:41Got one more.
06:44Him?
06:46This is a rare picture.
06:48There are rumors he doesn't even show up on film.
06:51We found our man.
06:54No, you can't.
06:56It's evil.
06:58Yes.
07:09I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
07:11Yeah.
07:13Howard, where are you?
07:14My client's daughters are coming in like two minutes.
07:15They get...
07:16What do you mean?
07:16No.
07:17No, see?
07:17No.
07:17You can't do it.
07:18Howard, it's very important.
07:20You got it.
07:21Howard, Howard.
07:30Bailed out on you, huh?
07:32He had an accident.
07:33Could happen to anybody.
07:34Yeah?
07:35Fell asleep in a tanning booth and burst into flames.
07:39Well, I guess with those, uh, ladies showing up any minute now, you're going to be looking
07:43for a guy who's, say, uh, non-flammable.
07:51Beg me.
07:53All right.
07:54Well, just don't blow this for me, huh?
07:56All right, all right.
07:57And change your shirt.
07:57Looks like you just came back from clown school.
08:03Hi.
08:04Michael, how are you?
08:05Hi.
08:05Mr. Davenport, how are you?
08:07Come on in.
08:07Come on in, please.
08:09And so, you must be, uh, Wendy and Dee Dee, huh?
08:11Now, remember, Taylor, I have to be out of town for a couple of days, and I need someone
08:15to look after my girls.
08:17Show them the town.
08:18Sir, my town is their town.
08:20Wrong.
08:21Wrong.
08:22Their town is Moline, and when they get back there, I want them to be as pure and as sweet
08:28as they were when they left, or else.
08:31Capisce?
08:32Sir, you have nothing to worry about.
08:33When your daughters get back to Moline, they'll be the same sweet, uh, mo-mole-noids.
08:40That the other guy?
08:41Yeah.
08:42Uh, or-or not.
08:43I, uh, could be.
08:44I'm not even sure to tell you the truth.
08:46Uh, uh, what do you think?
08:49Son, I notice you got an earring.
08:52Do you like women?
08:54Oh, yes, I do, sir.
08:55Well, stop it.
08:57Don't you worry, Daddy.
08:59These two look like a couple of gentlemen.
09:02You just go on and don't worry about us.
09:04All right, sweetheart.
09:07I can destroy you, Taylor.
09:09Have a good time.
09:12Well, if you two don't mind, we'll just go freshen up.
09:14Right in the back there.
09:15Yeah, right back there.
09:19Joe.
09:20Hey, don't.
09:20Don't you worry.
09:21Don't worry.
09:21I know how important this is to you.
09:23I'm gonna be a good boy.
09:24I certainly hope so.
09:25Yeah, and I'm gonna prove something to you, too, Michael.
09:27I'm gonna prove to you that I can do that thing that you do with women.
09:29You know, when you talk and talk and talk
09:31till they break plates over their head to stay away?
09:34We're ready.
09:38Hey, don't worry.
09:41You'll get another job.
09:47So, ladies, tonight, this town is yours.
09:51What would you like to see, huh?
09:52Radio City, St. Patrick's Cathedral?
09:54Um, no.
09:55We want to go to that place where the guys dance naked.
09:59And last, you want to put on a cowboy hat
10:02and shake it up for us, blue-eyed.
10:06Joe.
10:09But I got the perfect hat.
10:12Come on, Mikey, don't be a poop.
10:14Ah, well, it's just that I promised your father I'd be a poop.
10:18Now, Michael, all you need to do is loosen up.
10:22You know, Dita, I'll be honest with you,
10:23any other night, any other circumstances,
10:24I would be so loose that you...
10:26Hey!
10:27Hey!
10:27Is that your hand on my knee?
10:28Oh, I don't know.
10:30Is that your knee?
10:31Yes!
10:32That's my hand.
10:34Um, you know what?
10:35I'm gonna start counting.
10:37No kidding around.
10:38I'm gonna count, and your hand better be off my knee
10:41by the time I hit, oh, 5,000.
10:46Hi, Dad.
10:47Hi, sweetheart, sweetheart.
10:48Hi, daughter, Wendy.
10:49To Dee Dee, this is our Nicole.
10:52Hi.
10:53Uh, this is Jordan, my date.
10:55Hey.
10:57Hey.
10:58Hello, Jordan.
11:00I'm Joey Harris, and, uh, this is Michael Taylor, and, uh...
11:06Hey, mind if I have my hand back there, big buddy?
11:10Jordan is a student of human behavior.
11:13His specialty is the analysis of body language.
11:16Right now, he's reading your handshake.
11:17Oh, really?
11:19Okay, uh, what do I do for a living?
11:22You make balloon animals at a trailer park in Florida.
11:26Wrong.
11:27I'm an artist.
11:28Oh, I was reading your future.
11:31Comedian, too, eh?
11:34Jordan's also a collector.
11:36Right, Jordo?
11:36Is that right?
11:37What do you collect?
11:37Uh, stamps, coins?
11:39Rats.
11:42Rats?
11:42Yeah, I have 52 of them.
11:44Why?
11:46I'm their king.
11:49So, uh, where are you two going tonight?
11:52Well, Nicole thought I should get to know you guys, so...
11:54I guess we're just gonna hang out with you and the bimbos.
11:57Oh!
11:59Excuse me?
12:00Let's eat.
12:01I'll get a chair.
12:03Um, excuse me.
12:04Could you stand up for just a second?
12:09Ah, stupid.
12:14Ah, Nicole, park it.
12:18He's the king.
12:19Why don't you possibly go out with anybody like that?
12:23My dad's made me.
12:25No, no, we didn't make her.
12:26We just told her that, you know, if she didn't do it,
12:28then she couldn't go out with her real boyfriend again.
12:30Ah, is that how you get your kicks?
12:32By being mean to your sweet little daughter?
12:35Come on, Dee Dee, these guys are sick and perverted.
12:37Yeah, really?
12:38Let's go someplace where we can stick money down some guy's shorts.
12:42Wait a second, but what are you making of this?
12:51What?
13:05All right, my career is not dead yet.
13:08Couple more calls, a little luck.
13:09We find these girls before Daddy gets home.
13:12Yes, hello, is this the, uh, Cafe Stud Muffin?
13:17Yeah, look, I know this is gonna sound a little crazy,
13:19but could you look out in the audience tonight
13:20that it happened to be too...
13:22Wendy and Dee Dee, yes, exactly.
13:24Could you get them to the phone, please?
13:26They left.
13:27With who?
13:29I see.
13:30Would that be our Navy?
13:33Well, I guess I'll be turning in.
13:35But before I do, I just want to thank you guys
13:39for making me go out with someone other than my boyfriend, Zach.
13:43Nicole.
13:44Yes?
13:46Nicole, do you realize what you and Giorno have done?
13:49I was only following orders.
13:51Well, you told me to go out with somebody else,
13:53so I went out with somebody else.
13:55Yes, we said go out with somebody else,
13:57but we never said go out with the Antichrist.
14:01So you think this was all some kind of a ploy?
14:04Oh, come on, Nicole, come on.
14:06You're using this Jordan guy to make us look wrong.
14:08Well, we were right.
14:10Explain again how you were right.
14:12All right.
14:15Explain again how we were right.
14:18Just go out with somebody normal,
14:20somebody that you could conceivably care about.
14:22No, you're changing the rules.
14:25No, we're not.
14:25We're just insisting that you play by them.
14:27Well, it just so happens that I care about Jordan.
14:32In fact, I think I might be falling in love with him.
14:36Oh, really?
14:37Oh, really.
14:38Oh, well.
14:39Well, then, if that's the case,
14:40then I think we as your fathers
14:42should get to know this guy a little better,
14:44don't you think?
14:44Huh?
14:45Absolutely.
14:45As a matter of fact,
14:47why don't we all spend a day together, huh?
14:49Just the four of us, Joey, me,
14:51and you and the Rat King.
14:54What a great idea.
14:56Oh, great.
14:56Then it's settled.
14:57Go on upstairs and give him a call right now.
15:00Great.
15:01Good.
15:02Terrific.
15:02I should have thought of it myself.
15:05I mean it.
15:07Don't try and stop me.
15:12This is very bad.
15:23So let me get this.
15:24You hate this Jordan kid.
15:26Your dads hate this Jordan kid.
15:28But the first one to admit it loses.
15:30That's right.
15:32Loses what?
15:33Control of my life.
15:35I'm old enough to make my own decisions, Judge.
15:38So what do you want from me, Grandma?
15:41Help me get my dads to throw out Jordan this afternoon.
15:45That way they have to admit that this whole date another boy thing is stupid.
15:50What if it doesn't work?
15:52Your dads are pretty stubborn, Nicole.
15:54Are you prepared to keep going out with this, what'd you call him?
16:00Ear cheese.
16:03So in order to win this little battle, you're willing to put up with, what'd you call this guy?
16:11Cow fudge.
16:14That's poetry.
16:16I can hardly wait to meet him.
16:18That's exactly the point, Judge.
16:19But you gotta come in at just the right moment and say a few well-chosen words about how right
16:25we are.
16:27And are you?
16:28Hey, if we're not, we're darn close.
16:30And when Nicole sees this, then she'll throw the guy out and we win.
16:35I think I got the picture.
16:38I'll see what I can do.
16:58I can't believe we just went an entire afternoon with Jordan and we didn't kill him.
17:02Yeah.
17:04Well, we got a good lead on him, huh?
17:05There's no way that Nicole's gonna make it three blocks without pushing that kid in front of a bus.
17:11Dad?
17:12Let us in.
17:14Shh.
17:15Shh.
17:16Hey, hey.
17:18We just gotta hang in there till the judge gets here.
17:23Michael, Joey, the door's stuck.
17:26She's our daughter.
17:27We can't pretend that nobody's here.
17:29You're right.
17:31Uh, Michael, Joey, not here.
17:34He moved to another place, please, to go away.
17:39Take that little mutant with you.
17:42Way to go, Mahatma.
17:46But you need a shoe with a reinforced toe.
17:48That's how you kick the head off a pigeon.
17:54So, this is where you live.
17:56What a toilet.
18:00Did you paint this or just throw up on it?
18:06Open a window, will you?
18:08Why?
18:09I want to see if this kid can fly.
18:13Judge.
18:22Is that him?
18:24Yep.
18:27How are you?
18:29Judge Margaret Wilbur.
18:31Uh, wait, wait, Judge.
18:32You really don't want to do that.
18:33Oh, they're referring to my uncanny ability to read someone's personality through a handshake.
18:39My hand's an open book.
18:50You're a hard-headed, self-important, pushy, bossy battle axe.
18:55Kill him!
18:56All right, let's go.
18:57You're out of here.
18:58It's been fun.
19:01Hey, say hello to Willard.
19:07Getting pretty good at that, huh?
19:08Yeah, it's all on a wrist.
19:09It's all on a wrist.
19:10Gee, thanks for coming to my rescue.
19:15But wait.
19:16If you all threw him out at the same time,
19:20that means nobody wins.
19:24Well, I guess you'll just have to settle for a tie.
19:42Can we please never do this again?
19:45Please?
19:45Can we just, next time this comes up,
19:47can we start from here, you know, talking?
19:50Huh?
19:50So, this is the part where you talk and I listen?
19:54No.
19:55No.
19:56No.
19:59Listen, Nick, look.
20:00Look, you know, we care a lot about you, okay?
20:03Maybe sometimes we care too much, huh?
20:05So, you were wrong for making me go out with another guy.
20:08No, no.
20:10Why not?
20:12I don't know.
20:14Guys.
20:15All right, look.
20:16Here's what I know, all right?
20:17I know the same thing happened to me when I was a kid.
20:19And my parents didn't know how to get it through to me either.
20:23And all I know, all my father used to say to me is he used to say,
20:25Joey, you're too young.
20:26Stop it.
20:28And it took me 20 years and one daughter to realize that he wasn't saying stop it.
20:33He was just saying, just slow down.
20:35You know, slow down.
20:36You got your whole life ahead of you.
20:39But Zach and I aren't doing anything wrong.
20:41We're happy together.
20:43Listen, that's, you know, that's what we want.
20:44We want you to be happy always.
20:47But let's say, you know, you and Zach got married many, many years from now, you know,
20:52after college and after med school and Nobel Prize.
20:55The point is, you don't want to be sitting there looking at each other one day and thinking
20:58in the back of your head, maybe somebody else out there would, you know, somewhere would
21:02be better for you.
21:04That's all.
21:07Why couldn't you say it like that two days ago?
21:11We just figured it out.
21:15Look, we promised that we would spend the day with you and your boyfriend.
21:18So, uh, so why don't you go call Zach?
21:24Go on, I'll call.
21:32You were beautiful, baby.
21:33Oh, you were very impressive.
21:34You did some nice things there.
21:35Very, very good.
21:39Look, the only reason that we were bothered by the kissing and hugging and the whispering
21:43and all the touching was because, guys, guys, cut it out!
21:48Sorry.
21:48Sorry.
21:50Yeah, this is how this whole thing started.
21:52I mean, it bothers us a little bit that, you know, you guys make like we're not even here.
21:56You understand that?
21:58I think I got it.
22:00We're going too fast.
22:01We got to slow down because we got our whole lives ahead of us, right?
22:05And?
22:06And I try anything more than kissing you, rip my lips off.
22:10He's got it.
22:12Yo, Michael, you got a phone call.
22:15It's shipped to shore.
22:18It's shipped to shore.
22:21It's shipped to shore.
22:22Hello?
22:23Dee Dee, Wendy, thank God.
22:26Are you guys okay?
22:28Okay, all right.
22:29Well, you stay there, and we're going to come pick you right up.
22:31My career is saved.
22:33Listen, without a new understanding, you think we can leave these kids alone for a while?
22:35Sure.
22:36I'm going to get a cab.
22:36Where are we going?
22:38Portugal.
22:39Portugal.
22:40Portugal.
22:41Portugal.
22:46Portugal.
22:47Portugal.
22:47I'm one of the best.
22:51I'm going to get a cab.
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