- 6 hours ago
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00:10oh here are two friends of mine i'm sure i can get them to sit at the same table
00:15oh boys no way i'm sitting at the same table as that whiny little weenie
00:23weenie i'm not sitting at the table with zippy the pinhead
00:28zippy hey don't look at me i don't want to talk about it i got nothing to say
00:31two and a half years that guy has been living in my place telling me how to raise my daughter
00:36telling me how to live my life well i've had it all right that's it no more like that's what
00:41i
00:42really want right yeah i i want to be living in your place like i want to that's my goal
00:45in life
00:46to be near you like i really want my daughter to be influenced by you and your no job unemployed
00:51out of work communist people no job battle reason short people oh that that's no reason
00:57to live they got little heads they got little ears they got little voices oh that's that's really
01:05that's really great you're very classy take take a cheap shot at somebody else's physical limitations
01:10you brainless hunk of mong
01:14gee i think mr mean bit those boys on the butt this morning
01:19maybe you ought to do something judge like when me and my brother used to fight whoa my daddy was
01:24good at stopping it what'd he do he'd grab his bow ears and slam our heads together boom
01:32did it work their part of my life's very hazy
01:42are they still at it boys your daughter's here
01:48happy up what's the matter sweetie they have been fighting day and night all week
01:55what are they fighting about anything they can think of let me have two post eggs
02:01wuss
02:04you think it's time for a little judgely guidance yes please give me that pie pie oh that that's
02:12a good idea pie for breakfast wait why don't you bring up some gummy bears too oh wait now
02:16you got a problem with what i eat for breakfast oh no i got no problem why don't you just
02:20eat
02:20your way up the food chain babe okay boys
02:40the way i see it
02:45you got two choices
02:49number one you deal with me we'll take door number two
02:55it's your fault that we're here my fault you pied the judge
03:07you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me no matter where you go
03:18i'm standing by your side i'll be right behind no one knows you more than i do put your hand
03:26in mine
03:46you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me no matter where you go
03:57you can count on me
04:06frankly dr weber i don't even know what we're doing here you're a marriage counselor we are no
04:10way like married people describe your relationship to me we live together we raise a child we fight
04:15like hell
04:19so what every thursday then
04:22i'm gonna start by asking you some personal questions wait wait how personal hey what's the
04:27matter michael what's the matter you afraid you might not be able to answer the tough questions
04:30eh he's afraid i'm not ask me anything are you gay
04:41huh
04:45you're two men living together i think it's a pertinent question
04:48are you gay
04:53i'm not
04:57michael
04:59i'm sorry you know it's interesting joey has that same dress
05:06take that back i can't take it back you already wore it babe
05:11hey michael she's writing that down
05:14no we're not gay we're not gay we're two heterosexual males
05:17who like like women write that down
05:22okay guys why don't we talk about the problems that brought you here you know how it started to
05:28say you always
05:28you interrupt i start talking and you interrupt it because you don't talk you yak oh yeah you
05:33flap you know that your lips flap you're just flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap
05:37flap flap flap flap are you listening to this
05:43well at least this therapy thing will get my dads talking huh therapy was the best thing in the world
05:49for my parents they found out all about each other
05:52your parents are divorced they didn't like what they found
05:59well you know you know my parents are divorced too and then i look at your dad's and i see
06:03all the signs
06:04what signs
06:06well for instance first they stop speaking and then uh
06:09and before you know it they'll be in separate bedrooms dating other people
06:16i've never seen them fight this much you should have heard them last night
06:21michael worked late and i was studying when he walked in except he thought i was waiting up for him
06:28well well well well isn't this nice
06:31i come home after working 17 hours and my sweet daughter is waiting up for me
06:36i'm almost done
06:38it's 11 30 how much homework do they give you
06:43hey wait you're not even finished you're just starting your homework now
06:46i went to a movie
06:48it's okay
06:48you went to a movie on a school night
06:50you guys aren't gonna fight now are you
06:52joe you want to get up please
06:52i know it's a small car but we could try
06:58hey do you want to tell me why is my daughter just starting her homework at 11 30 huh
07:02guys this isn't worth fighting about
07:03and since when when so when does she go to a movie on a school night huh
07:06hey it was a wizard of oz michael
07:07okay it was a limited showing it was a 70 millimeter dolby sound footage never seen before
07:11it was the last night
07:12and you just let her go
07:13i took her
07:15oh
07:15like we write a note to the teacher
07:17and what are you what are you gonna say
07:18do you please excuse nicole's tired lousy 11 30 homework because i took her to the movies
07:22oh now you want to write my notes for me too
07:24oh because we don't want you study in your room for a while huh
07:28so then i went to my room and i shut my door but i could still hear them yelling
07:33well at least now there's a place where they can talk it out sensibly and rationally
07:38i hate you
07:39i hate you
07:39double double
07:40gentlemen stop
07:44now release
07:51we're going to have to work through this anger
07:55now what do you think first triggered this
07:57you want to know the truth
07:58that
08:00i i happen to exist
08:01my fault
08:03i'll tell you what happened last night
08:05he's not going to tell you what happened
08:06he's going to give you some biased communist dress wearing
08:10it started when michael came home and nicole and i were sitting on the couch
08:14so you see nicole
08:15one half the width of x would naturally equal the perimeter of quadrangle d
08:22of course
08:24well that's enough for tonight sweetheart i'll teach you the rest in the morning
08:28thanks dad
08:30thanks for everything you've done for me my entire life
08:46my daughter is never allowed to see another movie ever again you got that no questions
08:51that's final what i say goes
08:54michael
08:56the wizard of oz is a wonderful magical part of our childhood
09:00the homework she gets every night
09:02now my daughter is a good student i have seen to that
09:05and she has earned the right to see a classic movie like the wizard of oz in a theater
09:10the wizard of oz is about a vicious little girl who steals shoes off dead women
09:15what are you trying to say michael
09:17school night
09:18school night
09:19school school school school school school
09:21the point
09:22school
09:26tough day chum
09:27look just stop ruining my daughter's life okay
09:30stick to my rules
09:31my daughter
09:32my rules
09:35please monty
09:37do you have to yell at my daddy
09:39michael
09:40michael
09:41michael
09:42michael
09:43go do homework
09:45do homework
09:45you should be glad you have homework
09:47you know there are children in europe who have no homework
09:49wait a minute
09:51that is not at all how any of this happened
09:55okay michael
09:55why don't you give us your point of view
09:57all right here is what happened
09:58no exaggeration
10:00joey
10:02every family has to have a structure
10:04and within that structure there have to be rules you know
10:07and one of the rules in this family is that nicole does not go out on a school night
10:10especially if there's an assignment due
10:13don't you agree
10:20i know you don't want to hear this
10:23but i have to think of what's best for my daughter you know and look if you give it just
10:27a little thought i'm sure you'll come to see it my way
10:32yes i know it hurts to think
10:38well i'm going to sleep
10:40good night sweetie
10:41good night dad
10:42don't forget to fill joey's dish
10:46good night joey
10:48all right michael just stop right there
10:52that's not what happened at all
10:53i'm just telling it the way i see it
10:55yeah well i'd like to know the way the doctor sees it
10:57well i can tell you what i'm hearing
11:00what i'm hearing is my daughter my child
11:03ever since i got nicole
11:04he's a bad influence on my kid
11:07so
11:08what are you saying
11:09so obviously
11:10each of you feels that you are the true and only father
11:14and therefore resent the other thinking that he has an equal right to parent your child
11:22well that can't be resolved
11:24yeah the blood test was inconclusive
11:27well the dna test is completely accurate now
11:30that would prove conclusively who the father is
11:35it would
11:37hey listen you don't want people looking at your dna joe
11:40they proclaim you a fungus
11:45oh yeah well i'm ready to take the test right now
11:48all right michael joey
11:49it is not my recommendation that you take this test
11:52in fact if your goal is to hold your family together
11:55now i want to know who the real father is
11:59you want to do this
12:01yeah i want to do this
12:05you got it
12:14all right gentlemen
12:15it's been a week since i last saw you
12:17how did nicole accept the news that you wanted to find out who the biological father is
12:22oh she was just as happy as a clam
12:24yeah she reacted just like we bought her a pony
12:27and shot it
12:29no
12:29no
12:30do you want to get a blood test no our family is doing fine just the way it is
12:35why do you want to go and ruin everything will you sit down please
12:38i don't want to sit down
12:42look honey
12:44ever since we got you we have tried to make you comfortable with the fact that you have two fathers
12:48i'm comfortable
12:49yeah but michael and i aren't comfortable anymore
12:51we want to know which one of us is your real father with two different people
12:54both
12:55we want to know what happens when you find out
12:59okay joey suppose you're my father
13:02do you expect me not to love michael anymore
13:05yeah okay michael pack up and leave thank you for taking care of me all this time how much do
13:11i owe
13:11you honey you're being silly no you're being silly do you think a blood test means anything
13:16so what michael so you're my father okay joey pack up and get out how could i have been so
13:23stupid as
13:24to love you when he was my father how could i have been so stupid as to love you when
13:28he was my father
13:30i'm being silly how can you do this
13:38dad
13:39i was passing by and i heard crying which leads me to ask quietly insensitively
13:47what the hell's going on in here
13:52judge they want to take blood out of my arm for their stupid voodoo father test change their minds
14:04i can't do that
14:08why not because this is what they want to do nicole surprised it didn't happen sooner
14:17if i try to change their minds it'll only come up again until they find out who your father is
14:22that's what they want
14:27you're gonna let my family break up
14:38we just reached a point where we felt we had to take the test
14:42it's the hardest thing we've ever done and we'll be getting the results any day
14:48i see
14:50joey do you want to tell me your version of that story
14:55no well michael told it exactly the way it was
15:09here i signed for this it's your test results from the lab
15:16bye wait where are you going don't you want to stick around find out what it says
15:20i know what it says you looked no well how do you know i'm carnet
15:29you're both jerks
15:33i put this family together why would i stick around and watch it fall apart
15:39have a nice day
15:51well here it is joe yeah moment of truth yeah i guess our whole future
16:00see this envelope huh you realize of course that once we open this one of us has a daughter and
16:05the other one doesn't what are you afraid mike no i'm not afraid yeah
16:17all right nicole's real father is
16:28not me
16:54i feel uh more terrible for you than uh i feel uh good for me
17:06how come if that's his i'm not her father how come i don't love her any less now
17:12look i'll i'll try and be out of here by tonight i'll go with you
17:20what are you talking about joseph harris nicole bradford negative genetic match
17:29we're both not nicole's father
17:36we gotta get rid of these papers yeah then we both lose nicole that's that's no good
17:42listen if you repeat this i swear i'll deny it but as long as i couldn't be the father i
17:48truly would
17:48not be comfortable with anybody raising the call but you
17:55hey thanks mike you're welcome thanks
18:03then you have certain things you want to say to me
18:11here we gotta get rid of these papers
18:15i'm touched you rat weasel all right all right come on here's what happened we were cooking right we
18:21were cooking uh a nice chicken and uh the papers fell in and they they burnt up it happens all
18:26the
18:26time happens all the time you can't stop it you can't stop it we anybody else we never saw these
18:30results we just keep nicole we stay together we fight like hell huh life is good i'll get a chicken
18:37i'll light the oven
18:41hey mike here's what i want to tell you all right
18:48let's face it we're two different people right yeah i mean we're always gonna have our differences
18:54i don't care what any lab report says i'll tell you nicole's real father is
19:00he's the guy that loves her and raises her the way he thinks is right
19:08that's both of us
19:12ah yeah big lug yeah
19:16so we talking i talk you grunt nothing changes
19:25come on let's do it
19:29in goes mr chicken
19:31here goes you not the father and here goes you not the real father
19:40and here goes the real father
19:46the real father
19:56how could there be
19:59there's a name on it
20:00what are you gonna read that
20:05wilbur j
20:07j chucklebutt
20:13wilbur j
20:16chucklebutt
20:19wilbur j wilbur j wilbur j is in judge judge wilbur wilbur j j is in judge
20:30here i signed for this it's your test results from the lab
20:51okay
20:52okay let's get this over with open it
21:02there's just one name in here right that's right
21:06you see now what good does that do us how can nicole's real father be in here if there's just
21:10one
21:10name in here if there's just one name in here then this envelope is wrong
21:14and i myself do not want to open any one name wrong envelope
21:19you want to open it
21:25oh i'm sorry we put you through we put you through nick
21:32i guess we just had to find out something for ourselves that you already knew huh
21:46i have two dads
21:53yeah you do
22:13yeah
22:14yeah
22:16yeah
22:18yeah
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