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"Stolen Oranges, Lou Shoots Orange Picker" is an episode from The Abbott and Costello Show, originally broadcast on NBC radio on February 1, 1945.
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00:13The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the
00:19service according to actual sales records.
00:21See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too.
00:25Find out for yourself.
00:29Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie
00:33Haynes, and that Popeye's little weather prophet who saw the groundhog this morning and calmly
00:39said, Hey, Costello, where in the world have you been?
00:56I've been looking for you all day.
00:57Oh, Abbott, I'm a very busy man.
00:59I spent the whole day in my backyard hanging prunes on my orange tree.
01:03Hanging prunes on your orange tree?
01:05Who told you to do that?
01:06My gardener.
01:06He said the orange tree needed pruning.
01:10What a dope.
01:11Your gardener meant you should get a ladder and saw the limbs.
01:14I don't need no ladder.
01:15I saw the limbs from my window.
01:16Oh, hold on.
01:18What kind of limbs can you saw from your window?
01:21The limbs of Ruby Poochew.
01:23She lives in a store.
01:24No, no.
01:24That's my girl, you know.
01:25No, no, no.
01:25I understand.
01:26I'm talking about the limbs on your tree.
01:27Did you saw the limbs?
01:29Certainly I saw the limbs.
01:30They was hanging right in front of me.
01:31No, no, no.
01:31No, no, no.
01:32No, no, no.
01:32No, no, no.
01:32No, no, no, no.
01:32No, no, no, no.
01:33No, no, no.
01:34No, no, no, no.
01:34Just a minute.
01:34Did you saw them off?
01:36Oh, I just told you I saw them off.
01:37No, no, Custer.
01:39You don't saw them on.
01:40You saw them off.
01:47What kind of English is that?
01:49Costello, when I say saw, I don't mean the kind of saw you saw when you see.
01:53I mean the kind of saw you saw when you saw.
01:55Oh, you don't mean the kind of saw you saw when you see.
01:57You mean the kind of see you saw when you see saw.
01:59Now you've got it.
02:00Now I've got it.
02:01I don't even know what I'm talking about.
02:03Costello, I'm trying to tell you how to prune a tree.
02:05Look, Costello, if you want your tree to grow good oranges, it's got to be trimmed before the sap rises.
02:11Before the sap rises?
02:12Yes.
02:13Mm-hmm.
02:14That's right.
02:14What time do you get up?
02:15I am.
02:17Will you talk sense?
02:18Look, what kind of oranges grow on your trees?
02:21Oh, the regular kind.
02:22Round ones.
02:22No, no, no, no.
02:23Are they Valencias or navel oranges?
02:25Oh, these are navel oranges.
02:26How do you know?
02:27I saw a sailor picking some.
02:28No.
02:30How can you be so stupid?
02:31You can tell the difference between oranges by the color of the juice.
02:34Did you ever squeeze one of your oranges?
02:36Oh, yeah.
02:36And what came out?
02:37Milk.
02:38Milk?
02:38Yeah.
02:39How could your oranges have milk in them?
02:41I got the trees from a nursery.
02:44Costello, please.
02:45What's wrong with that?
02:47All right.
02:48Everyone right here.
02:48What did I tell you?
02:49All right.
02:50Come on.
02:52Come on with me, Costello.
02:54We're going out in the backyard and look at your tree.
02:56Hey, wait a minute.
02:57Look out that window.
02:58There's a big crow sitting up in your tree.
03:01Hey, Abbott.
03:01That crow's got a lot of nerve.
03:03Hand me my sawed-off shotgun.
03:04All right.
03:04Here it is.
03:05Hey, wait a minute.
03:06This gun hasn't got any handle on it.
03:08How do you like that?
03:08I sawed off the wrong end.
03:10Now, watch what you're doing.
03:12You're pointing that gun right at me.
03:13Do you want to shoot me?
03:14Don't worry.
03:14Don't worry.
03:15I got my finger over the hole.
03:17Hey, stand back.
03:17Stand back, Abbott.
03:18All right.
03:18I'm going to teach that crow not to eat my oranges.
03:20Watch me get him.
03:23Hey, was that a crow?
03:25Uh-uh.
03:25That was the old buzzer that lives next door.
03:29Come on, Costello.
03:30Let's see what happened.
03:33Costello, that was your neighbor, Mrs. Beanbag.
03:35That's the one you shot.
03:36And here she comes.
03:37Oh!
03:39There you are, you little fat assassin.
03:41How dare you shoot at me when I was up in that tree putting oranges in my bucket?
03:45That'll teach you to keep your bucket out of my tree.
03:50After all, I'm tired of people stealing my oranges.
03:52Your oranges?
03:53My oranges!
03:54It so happens that your orange tree hangs over into my yard,
03:58and the law says that whatever hangs over my fence belongs to me.
04:01Oh, yeah?
04:02Yeah.
04:02Well, look at here, Mrs. Beanbag.
04:04Did you ever see a fat man standing at a bar?
04:06Yes.
04:06What about it?
04:07Does the part that hangs over the bar belong to the bartender?
04:11Now, now, Costello.
04:20I apologize to Mrs. Beanbag for knocking her out of the tree.
04:23Come on.
04:23She ought to apologize to me.
04:24What did I do?
04:25What did you do?
04:26You fell on my hedge and bent my verbenias.
04:29Costello, will you stop...
04:29Not only that, you stamped on my...
04:31Yeah, yes, yes, listen.
04:33What other kind of flowers I got there?
04:34Never mind, never mind that.
04:35Will you stop fighting with the lady?
04:36Stamped on my Holly Hockerson.
04:38Never mind.
04:39And you'll say the word.
04:40All right, well, just...
04:41Just don't fight with the lady, please.
04:43Yes, young man, you have very bad manners.
04:45In my day, men didn't fight with women.
04:48In your day, the men were too busy fighting the Indians.
04:51Oh!
04:53Oh!
04:54That did it.
04:55I've heard enough.
04:56I'm going to call my husband Homer!
04:59Oh, there you are.
05:00Homer!
05:01I've just been insulted.
05:02Come here and speak to this ruffian.
05:04Yeah, I'm going to speak to her...
05:07Speak to her...
05:08Yeah.
05:10Yeah.
05:10All right, Homer.
05:11We're only on a half hour.
05:13Come on!
05:16I'm going to speak to her.
05:18Hello, ruffian.
05:19Look, Mr. Beanbag.
05:21Costello made a very serious mistake.
05:22He shot at your wife.
05:24Oh, he made a worse mistake than that.
05:27What could be worse than Costello shooting at your wife?
05:29He missed her.
05:30Oh!
05:32Oh, no, Beanbag.
05:33You made a worse mistake than that.
05:34Yeah, what's that?
05:35You married her.
05:37Oh, yeah.
05:39Oh, Homer, Beanbag.
05:40Are you going to stand there while this man insults me?
05:43No, I'm not going to stand.
05:44Bring me a chair.
05:48I've had enough of both of you.
05:49Mr. Costello, I'm taking you into court.
05:51I'll teach you to fire your shotgun at a defenseless woman.
05:54All I was doing was picking a few oranges.
05:57Picking a few oranges?
05:58Now, look here, Mrs. Beanbag.
06:00I've been watching you for weeks.
06:02I didn't mind when you reached up and took a few oranges for breakfast.
06:06I didn't even mind the times when you came out and filled your apron with my oranges.
06:09But today, when you climbed my tree with your bucket and hung from a branch by your nose
06:14so you could pick with both hands,
06:16you not only impute on my sickness grove,
06:19but you have filched my marmalade.
06:34Order in the court.
06:36The court of common pleas is now in session.
06:38The case of Mrs. Bessie Beanbag versus Lou Costello.
06:41The prisoner is charged with perforating Mrs. Beanbag's bucket.
06:47Look, Mrs. Beanbag,
06:49why can't we drop this case?
06:51I didn't mean to shoot at you.
06:53Honest, I didn't.
06:54I'm a nice little fellow.
06:55Why, I even leave my chewing gum under theater seats for other people.
06:59Please, Mrs. Beanbag.
07:01Well, Costello, I'm willing to drop the whole case
07:03if you'll pay me 50 cents to get a new bucket.
07:05Gee, you're a swell woman.
07:07Here's your 50 cents.
07:08No, you don't, Costello.
07:10Abbott, let me pay the 50 cents.
07:12You'll do nothing of the kind if you...
07:13I shaft her into this.
07:15Let me pay her.
07:15I said, no.
07:16Now, listen.
07:17If you give that woman that money,
07:19it shows you're guilty.
07:20We're going to fight this case.
07:22I've hired you a lawyer.
07:23I am Chagrandi.
07:24As a lawyer, I am Chagrandi.
07:26Woo-hoo-hoo.
07:30Hey, look.
07:32It's Kitzel.
07:33Yes.
07:34Hey, Abbott.
07:35Now, get this guy out of here.
07:36I'll get my Uncle Artie Stevens to defend me.
07:38This Kitzel ain't no lawyer.
07:39Now, now, just a second.
07:40Just a second, mister.
07:42Can't smell you.
07:43Can't smell me?
07:44Yeah.
07:44Costello!
07:45All right.
07:46Well, I'll have you to know
07:47I happen to be one of the greatest legal minds in the world.
07:50In my first case, I defended Dreyfus.
07:53Alpha Dreyfus of Devil's Island?
07:55No.
07:55Reckless Dreyfus from Coney Island.
07:58Oh, now, don't give me that stuff, Kitzel.
08:00You don't look like a lawyer to me.
08:01Oh, Pish Pash, you don't look like a lawyer to me.
08:04And why don't I look like a lawyer to you?
08:06You've got your hands in your own pockets.
08:10I got my hands in my own pockets.
08:14What do you know?
08:15I'm broke.
08:18Look, Abbott, please let me pay Mrs. Beanbag the 50 cents,
08:21and then I can get out of here.
08:23Who over my dead habeas corpus, Mr. Castillo?
08:27Castillo.
08:28We can't lose this case.
08:31Just remember that old saying,
08:32a boy in the hand is work.
08:35Go ahead.
08:36There's more.
08:39Everybody rise.
08:40Presenting his honor, Judge Sam Quentin Leavenworth.
08:44All right, bailiff.
08:45Bring in the first.
08:46Bring in the first.
08:47Bring in the next.
08:48Bring in the whole case.
09:01Say, you are now.
09:02I am representing the defendant, Mr. Castorier.
09:06Now it's Castorier.
09:07Yes.
09:08Now, it seems that my client took a shot at a poor defenseless woman
09:12while she was picking oranges out of a tree.
09:15He knocked her to the ground, ruined her bucket,
09:19and did her great bodily injury.
09:21The defense rests.
09:26Kitzel, wait a minute.
09:28Whose side are you on?
09:29Quiet, Castillo.
09:30Kitzel knows what he's doing.
09:31You say that you know the judge and I are old friends.
09:34I call him Morris.
09:35Well, Morris will give me the chair.
09:38Now, Abbott, will you please give Mrs. Beanbag the 50 cents?
09:43Mr. Kitzel, you may proceed with your questioning.
09:46Thank you, Your Honor.
09:47Now, Mr. Castellanets.
09:49Now, I'm a musician.
09:51Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
09:56I do.
09:56Your Honor, we plead insanity.
10:00Kitzel, what's the idea?
10:02Costello, he's taking advantage of the law.
10:04He's making use of the insanity clause.
10:06But I don't believe insanity clause.
10:13That's the way it's written.
10:17The court finds the defendant, Luke Costello, guilty as charged.
10:22He will pay Mrs. Beanbag 50 cents or serve 30 days in jail.
10:26Abbott, please let me give this woman her 50 cents.
10:30Oh, no, you don't.
10:33No, sir, you know, because we're going to appeal this case to a higher court.
10:37Don't forget the words of that great poet, stone walls do not our prison make, nor iron bars our cage.
10:45Yes, and don't forget the words of that other great poet, Tom Zizimus.
10:50He says 30 days has September, April, June, and Luke Costello.
11:01Supreme Court is now in session.
11:03First case, Mrs. Beanbag versus Costello.
11:05Prisoner will step to the bar.
11:12Costello, are the chains heavy?
11:15Abbott, would you mind holding up this 500-pound ball?
11:21Well, why don't you please let me pay Mrs. Beanbag the 50 cents?
11:26Your Honor, I would like to ask my client just one question.
11:31Request granted.
11:33Now, Mr. Cantaloupe, tell the jury, where were you on the afternoon of February 1st?
11:40I was home.
11:42Oh, you poor boy.
11:44You should have been with me.
11:45I had a wonderful time.
11:47You know I had two bottles of sippening?
11:51Sippening?
11:51Yes.
11:52What's sippening?
11:53Nothing much.
11:54What's sippening with you?
11:57The defense rests.
11:59Alcatraz, here I come.
12:03The court has considered the new evidence in this case.
12:06Prisoner Costello, when you fired your shotgun at Mrs. Beanbag,
12:09some of the buckshot lodged in the oranges.
12:12The woman's husband, Homer Beanbag, ate one of the oranges and died of lead poisoning.
12:17Therefore, Lou Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the first degree,
12:21and it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the term of 99 years at hard labor.
12:27Costello, do you have any last requests to make before I send you away?
12:30Yes, sir.
12:32Don't fence me in.
12:49Abbott.
12:51Abbott.
12:52Why?
12:52Will you please get me off this rock pile?
12:55Costello, why are you always complaining?
12:57You should be thankful that I got myself a job as guard so I could be with you.
13:01Mrs. Beanbag, to see prisoner Costello.
13:03Oh, Mr. Costello, there's been a terrible mistake.
13:06My husband, Homer, didn't die of lead poisoning after all.
13:09The doctors removed all the buckshots.
13:12Thank heavens.
13:13Homer got the lead out.
13:22Yes.
13:23Yes, I'm so happy.
13:24Tomorrow morning, you can walk out of here a free man.
13:27Hey, guard, put the prisoner in his cell until morning.
13:30All right.
13:31Costello, in you go.
13:34Abbott.
13:35Abbott.
13:36What's the matter now?
13:36I don't want to spend the night in this cell.
13:39The place is full of rats.
13:40Don't be afraid.
13:41I'm here.
13:42I know it, but it's the little rats I'm afraid of.
13:47Abbott.
13:48Abbott.
13:48Now, I...
13:49Come back here now.
13:50There's another guy in my cell.
13:52Look at the looks of the guy.
13:54That's your cellmate.
13:55That's your cellmate.
13:56What's the matter?
13:56He'll be glad to have you for company.
13:58See you later, Costello.
14:00So long.
14:02Looks like he's got company already.
14:05What a raggedy individual.
14:07What are you in here for, partner?
14:08Huh?
14:09Oh, I beg your pardon.
14:11I didn't realize you were talking to me.
14:13Thank you for calling me partner.
14:15Those are the first kind words I've heard in years.
14:18You have a very kind face, little man.
14:20Sort of an open one.
14:22You see, I haven't always been a raggedy, scurvy-looking outcast like you.
14:30If you have some measure of intelligence, my story might interest you.
14:35Did you go to school?
14:36Yes, sir.
14:37I went to school last year.
14:38Did you pass your examination?
14:40No, sir.
14:40But I was first on the list of those that failed.
14:44Very well.
14:45I'll tell you my story.
14:46I don't care to hear it.
14:47Well, then I will positively tell it to you.
14:50When I was a boy, my father gave me the benefit of a very good education.
14:55Eight years at the peritory school and college.
14:57I worked hard and diligently.
14:59I soon became a success and settled down in a small and thriving community.
15:04And then I met her.
15:06We were married.
15:07The good gods of fortune smiled down upon us and blessed us with a baby boy.
15:13A boy, mind you.
15:15And I haven't seen my boy since this very day.
15:18You haven't seen your little boy from that day until this?
15:21No, sir.
15:22Wait a minute.
15:23Did he have curly black hair?
15:25Yes.
15:25And did he have little blue eyes?
15:27Yes, yes.
15:28And did he have two little teeth in his mouth?
15:30Yes.
15:31Papa!
15:32Papa!
15:32Papa!
15:35I worked harder than ever for my little family.
15:38And then one day, the other man came into my life.
15:42He was a poor man, broken in health and spirit.
15:45I welcomed him into my home gladly.
15:47I said, make my home your home.
15:51And he did.
15:55Oh, you poor man.
15:58One day, I returned from work to find that home was no longer home.
16:03Do you know what it was?
16:04Third base?
16:05No.
16:07Shortstop?
16:08No.
16:09Second base?
16:10No.
16:11My home was an empty shell.
16:13My wife, the baby, and the stranger had fled.
16:16Then I started a search that lasted for years.
16:19I followed them around the world.
16:21Honolulu, China, Singapore, India.
16:24Then one day on the banks of the river Pocomoco, I found him.
16:29When I saw him standing there, all the hatred, all the pent-up emotion of years suffering,
16:37dwelled up within me.
16:39So with murder in my heart,
16:42shall Lord, I find him.
16:47Step by step, step by step, I have crept upon him.
16:53And when I felt his foul breath upon my cheek, I struck him.
16:57Help me!
16:58Help me!
17:00Help me!
17:01Get me out of here, Robert!
17:04Help me!
17:05Help me!
17:07Hey, hey, come here.
17:09Come on.
17:10Costello.
17:12Costello.
17:13What are you doing down there on the floor?
17:15Get me out of here, Robert!
17:16Get off that floor.
17:17Get up.
17:19Maybe the man wants to talk to you.
17:21Don't call me unless you want.
17:23Oh, God, Zooks.
17:24What have I done?
17:27What haven't you done?
17:28What's happening to me?
17:30What's happening to me?
17:32Oh, yes, yes.
17:33I remember you now.
17:34You're the little man with the kind face.
17:37I didn't mean to hate you,
17:39but every time I hear the word Pocomoco,
17:42I want a kill.
17:44That's all right, pal.
17:45I know how you feel.
17:47I would have done the same thing if I would have seen that nasty man in Pocomoco.
17:50I didn't say it!
17:52I didn't say it.
17:53You didn't hear me say it.
17:54What did you say?
17:55Pocomoco.
17:56Pocomoco!
17:57I said it!
17:59I couldn't help myself.
18:01When I had the way,
18:02I wanted to see his bottles in between my fingers.
18:04So slowly, I tried.
18:09Step by step.
18:11Step by step, I clapped upon him.
18:13And when I saw the spike upon his countenance,
18:15I struck...
18:16Evan!
18:17Evan!
18:20Evan!
18:23Evan!
18:25Evan!
18:27Evan!
18:32Evan!
18:34Evan!
18:34Get me out of here!
18:35Costello!
18:36Costello, what are you doing on that floor?
18:39I put you in here to keep the man company.
18:42Get me out.
18:42Get up.
18:43Evan, get me out.
18:45Come on, get up.
18:46Here comes the warden.
18:47Mr. Costello, I have here your release.
18:49You've been completely exonerated,
18:50and you may leave the jail at once.
18:52Well, Costello,
18:54shake hands with your old cellmate,
18:56and let's get going.
18:57Not me.
18:58I don't think I'd better go near that guy, Abbott.
19:00He eats too many Wheaties.
19:03Oh, nonsense.
19:04He looks like a nice old man.
19:05He might have been a nice old man once,
19:07but something must have happened to him at Pocahontas.
19:10I didn't say it!
19:13This guy's trying to get me to say that word, Abbott,
19:15and I don't want to say it.
19:17What word?
19:17Word.
19:18What word is that?
19:19Sounds like Pocahontas.
19:21Pocahontas!
19:22Pocahontas!
19:23What word are you worrying about?
19:25What is it?
19:25It sounds like Pocahontas.
19:27But what is it?
19:28Pocahontas.
19:29Pocahontas!
19:29Pocahontas!
19:32Pocahontas!
19:33Pocahontas!
19:35Pocahontas!
19:35Pocahontas!
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