- 11 hours ago
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00:00:01British Airways are pleased to announce the arrival of flight 417 from Amsterdam.
00:00:17Oh, sorry.
00:00:21Are you all right, Adam?
00:00:21Oh, I'm sorry. I spilled everything out of my case. I don't think the catch is working properly. I don't
00:00:25know what it is.
00:00:27Thank you very much.
00:00:28There you go.
00:00:32So, anyway, I said to her, right, you know, I mean, as gently as I could, right, I said, engagement
00:00:37is a big step.
00:00:39Yeah, terrific.
00:00:40Yeah, right.
00:00:41I said, you know, it's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly.
00:00:44No, no.
00:00:46Oh, look at that.
00:00:47Oi, Kelvin!
00:00:48You spill your lager over this bar once more and I'll smack you right side the buggy here off.
00:00:52Sorry, Delmar.
00:00:53This is not polyestery, you know. This is pure crimpily.
00:00:58As I was saying.
00:01:00Have you seen Boise, Del?
00:01:01Hmm?
00:01:02No, no, not recently. Why?
00:01:03Oh, he's looking for you. Says it's urgent.
00:01:05Oh, well, he knows where to find me, Michael, doesn't he, eh? He knows where to find me.
00:01:08Now, where was I?
00:01:10Ew, are you still going out with that little salt?
00:01:12Imogen, yeah, I'm still going out with her. That's what I've been telling you for the last ten minutes.
00:01:16Oh, well, what's happening?
00:01:17Well...
00:01:17Hello, Corey, love. How are you? All right?
00:01:21Yeah, come on.
00:01:22She's getting a little bit too serious for my liking, yeah?
00:01:25And I'm trying to find a way of cooling her down a bit, but I don't want to hurt her.
00:01:29All you've got to say is you've got to say, Imogen, you're giving me the hump.
00:01:32Now, go away and haunt someone else for a change.
00:01:36Yeah, that's pretty painless girl, innit? I don't believe you.
00:01:39You're too soft with them, Rodney, you're too soft. That is your trouble.
00:01:42But, you know, you get the drinks in, cos I'm going to pop over there and do a bit of
00:01:45business.
00:01:48Vicky, can I have a pint of lager in there? We're still drinking these days.
00:01:52Oh, God knows. Tuesday, it was a Bacardi and Russian.
00:01:55Last week, it was Grand Marnie and Orange. Week before that, it was Dubonnie and Coke.
00:02:01Give us two Marie and Luke for a second.
00:02:20There you go, look. It's 15 quid. I can't say fairer than that.
00:02:24It's none of your foreign rubbish. Look, it's Japanese.
00:02:26Del, I've already got a watch.
00:02:28You called out a watch? That's crap, that is. That's crap.
00:02:31You didn't say that when you sold it to me.
00:02:34No, no, Teddy, what I meant was.
00:02:36Well, it's had its day, innit, eh?
00:02:37Hey, look. Here, come here.
00:02:3915 quid, right? That's what I paid for it. You're getting it at cost.
00:02:41Del, I don't fancy it.
00:02:45I'm writing for you a tenner, as it's the last one.
00:02:49Tenner? Mm-hmm.
00:02:51Here. It's got a scratch on the face.
00:02:53Don't worry about that. I'll get you another one from the back of the van.
00:02:56Look, it plays 36 different national anthems.
00:02:59It tells you what day of the week it is, and it's a calculator and all.
00:03:02Blimey, is that the time?
00:03:03No, no, it's still set on oriental hours, innit?
00:03:05Oh, right. Yeah.
00:03:07You get your money, I'll be back in a tin.
00:03:09Back in a tin.
00:03:10I like it.
00:03:12I like it.
00:03:14I like it.
00:03:18I was there, Ruby.
00:03:21Yeah?
00:03:22Yeah, well, which one were you, then?
00:03:25No, I don't mean I was in the film. I meant I was in that battle.
00:03:28What about Ruby?
00:03:29God knows I can't hear a bleeding thing with all this monkey music.
00:03:33Must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did, Albert.
00:03:37Yeah.
00:03:37All them sharks and icebergs.
00:03:40Yeah, and a giant octopus.
00:03:42It gives me itchy fever just thinking about it.
00:03:44Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
00:03:47Nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots.
00:03:52That's why I never talked about it, Ruby.
00:03:55My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
00:03:58Huh?
00:03:59Yeah.
00:04:00Sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day.
00:04:02Bloody glad when they put him away I was.
00:04:05What did it was the tragedy that happened to our son.
00:04:09Harry just never got over it.
00:04:11He was such a lively lad.
00:04:13He went to school with Del Boy.
00:04:16They used to sit next to each other in class.
00:04:19Del must have mentioned him.
00:04:21Slater.
00:04:21Roy Slater.
00:04:22Slater?
00:04:24I don't remember, Ruby.
00:04:25No.
00:04:26Well, maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about.
00:04:29He was only 18.
00:04:31He had all his life before him.
00:04:33Well, was it a motorcycle accident?
00:04:35No.
00:04:36He...
00:04:37He joined the police.
00:04:40He's one of their top men now.
00:04:41He's put more people behind bars than what needs.
00:05:02I know he looks like a gentleman.
00:05:05That's why the girls are there in a league, though.
00:05:07What do you think?
00:05:08You're having quite a work.
00:05:09Yeah, sure.
00:05:12Watch it, Abdel.
00:05:12All right, my son?
00:05:13Very well, thank you.
00:05:14Yeah, you split up at Attengarden, are you?
00:05:16Yes, sir.
00:05:16I'm still in Attengarden.
00:05:18Could we have a word with you, please?
00:05:19Yeah, of course you can.
00:05:19Why not?
00:05:20We'll be in the back row.
00:05:21Oh.
00:05:22Yeah, all right.
00:05:22I'll just get me drink.
00:05:25Here.
00:05:26I'll do a bit of business with Boise and Abdel.
00:05:30Hey, saucy mare.
00:05:31It's orders from the governor.
00:05:32There's a lot of forged money floating round.
00:05:34Who didn't check his money just now?
00:05:36Oh, that's different, isn't it?
00:05:39I'm going right off that go.
00:05:40See you in a minute.
00:05:55All right, Dave.
00:05:57Watch your trick.
00:05:58How are you going?
00:05:58All right.
00:05:59I'm feeling lucky tonight.
00:06:01You never know, I might pull.
00:06:02So I thought I'd have a dab of blue Stratos.
00:06:04Put my best clothes on.
00:06:06Yeah?
00:06:06What's up with your name?
00:06:07These are my best clothes.
00:06:09Oh, sorry.
00:06:11Hello, darling.
00:06:11Where you been all my life?
00:06:13Yes, sir.
00:06:15I always use that line with the birds.
00:06:17Yeah?
00:06:17Why?
00:06:19Well, I don't know, really.
00:06:20It's never worked.
00:06:23I see.
00:06:26So, what sort of deal is it?
00:06:28I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs a small business in Amsterdam.
00:06:33Amsterdam?
00:06:34Amsterdam in Orange, mate.
00:06:35I told you he was the right man for the job, didn't I, Abdul?
00:06:38God.
00:06:39My brother Said has done business with him in the past.
00:06:42Do you know my brother lives in France now?
00:06:43No, no, I didn't know that.
00:06:44Yes.
00:06:45Yes, he's doing very well.
00:06:46Is he?
00:06:46He's married now.
00:06:47His wife's expecting anything.
00:06:48Get on with it, Abdul.
00:06:49For God's sake, otherwise we'll be here all bleeding on it.
00:06:52Oh.
00:06:53Yes.
00:06:53Well.
00:06:55Last week I flew to Amsterdam to see the gentleman in question named Mr. Van Cleef.
00:06:59And after some preliminary discussions, Mr. Van Cleef has agreed to sell us some merchandise.
00:07:07Merchandise?
00:07:07What sort of merchandise?
00:07:09Diamonds.
00:07:12Diamonds?
00:07:1330 of cut and polished blue diamonds.
00:07:16Top of the range, dull boy.
00:07:19I mean, it's going to cost an arm and a leg, isn't it?
00:07:2050 grand.
00:07:2350 grand?
00:07:24You and Abdul are weighing out 50 grand?
00:07:26In England, they have a market value of 150,000 pounds.
00:07:32Bloody hell.
00:07:35I take you, you're not going to bother to inform our friends of the customs and that size.
00:07:38I guess it will matter.
00:07:39No.
00:07:40Well, they're rather busy.
00:07:41I think they appreciate it.
00:07:44Anyway, where do I come in all this?
00:07:47Here.
00:07:47You're not expecting me to buy any off you, are you?
00:07:49The thing is, you know, I've had a few bad results lately and I'm potless.
00:07:52Leave off, dull boy.
00:07:54These gems sell at around five grand a piece.
00:07:57What we are asking you to do, Derek, is...
00:08:01...is to take the money to Amsterdam for us.
00:08:05You want me to take 50,000 pounds to Amsterdam?
00:08:07Yeah.
00:08:10And...
00:08:10And what?
00:08:12And...
00:08:12Bring the diamonds back.
00:08:16Do you know, for a minute there, I thought you were serious.
00:08:19They're all very serious, they're all deadly serious.
00:08:22There is nothing to worry about, Derek.
00:08:24Mr Van Cleef has completed many of these transactions and he assures us, nothing ever goes wrong.
00:08:32Up your kilt!
00:08:37Who do you think I am? A Toad or Wally or something?
00:08:39We would look after you, Derek.
00:08:41Oh yes, I'm sure you would.
00:08:43You'd visit me once a month, wouldn't you, eh?
00:08:45Bring me cakes with files in.
00:08:46You'll find yourself another mug.
00:08:50We'll give you ten grains.
00:09:00Ten thousand pounds?
00:09:02All right, twelve.
00:09:04I knew he'd haggle.
00:09:05You burg haggle.
00:09:09All right, Del.
00:09:11Twelve grand.
00:09:15Just think of it, Del boy.
00:09:18Twelve big uns.
00:09:20I'll say you'll have a tree for the future.
00:09:21And there will be no problems.
00:09:23It will all be as easy as apple tart.
00:09:25Well, if it's as easy as apple tart, how come you two ain't going yourselves?
00:09:31Uh...
00:09:32Well, we're both scared of flying, aren't we?
00:09:35Leave it out, Boise.
00:09:37Abdul's done more flying than sparrows.
00:09:39No, no, no, no.
00:09:39It would look very suspicious for me, a registered Hatten Garden merchant, to fly to Amsterdam too often.
00:09:45I don't know about this.
00:09:47Look, Del.
00:09:49We chose you specially.
00:09:51We needed someone we knew.
00:09:54Someone we could trust.
00:09:55Someone who was skinned.
00:10:01What happens if I get caught?
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Abdul and me have done our money, haven't they?
00:10:06Done your money?
00:10:07Your money?
00:10:07I stand to get banged up for five years.
00:10:15All right, Del.
00:10:18Fifteen grand.
00:10:28You're much used to when you're locked up in the scrubs though, isn't it, eh?
00:10:31We are paying you to take the risk, Derek.
00:10:34It's a big gamble, Del.
00:10:37It's a big gamble, Del.
00:10:37But he who dares wins, doesn't he?
00:10:41Of course, if it's too big for you, Del.
00:10:44If you think you're a bit out of your depth, just say so.
00:10:54Fifteen.
00:10:56You see, my problem is I don't want to hurt her.
00:11:00Because Imogen's a lovely kid, you know.
00:11:02I mean, she's gentle, she's sensitive.
00:11:05And on top of all that, she cares.
00:11:07I reckon she'd do a turn.
00:11:09Have you played your cards right?
00:11:11What's the point in discussing it with you, eh, Trigg?
00:11:13We're talking on two different levels.
00:11:16Yeah.
00:11:22Two and a half weeks we will drift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
00:11:26Got a nice tan, though.
00:11:33Well, Malbert, we're going home.
00:11:36Wait, Rodney.
00:11:37Come on.
00:11:38Over.
00:11:40Sorry.
00:11:40Well, I suppose what we'll be getting on, really.
00:11:43Give the Imogen a ring.
00:11:44Tell her it's all over between us.
00:11:49Sorry, can I just get punched up?
00:11:52Sorry.
00:11:53Sorry, I was just trying to...
00:11:57Allow Imogen.
00:12:05Look, I know what you're doing.
00:12:07I just don't understand why.
00:12:10Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said...
00:12:13The old boy, she said...
00:12:14Don't start all that, Bill.
00:12:15Look, what do you think of your diary?
00:12:16Are you getting cold?
00:12:18Oh, shut up, Rodney.
00:12:19You've been going on about it all night.
00:12:21Bill, you are smuggling diamonds.
00:12:24Do you think it would be, Bill, just a little bit louder?
00:12:26Because there's a geezer down here at the other end of the market who didn't quite catch it all.
00:12:30Bill, do you realise what you're getting into?
00:12:32Yes, I do know what I'm getting into.
00:12:35Fifteen grand is what I'm getting into.
00:12:37Look, Rodney, this is not drugs or guns, is it?
00:12:40I mean, that sort of stuff kills people.
00:12:42It's only little diamonds.
00:12:45I'm trying to bring down the cost of getting engaged.
00:12:46I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased.
00:12:50Yeah, well, me and Imogen's finished.
00:12:52Oh, you haven't finally told her then, did you?
00:12:55Yeah, sort of.
00:12:57She cried.
00:12:58No, look, Bill, smuggling diamonds is still illegal.
00:13:02It's only illegal because Boise and Abdul ain't paying any import tax.
00:13:06All right, all right, I suppose they pay import tax then, eh?
00:13:09What do you think the government is going to do with that?
00:13:11They're only going to go out and buy another strident missile, aren't they, eh?
00:13:13Oh, so you're telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace?
00:13:17It's every little bit else, Rodney.
00:13:19Well, why don't you bring back a load of diamonds, Del?
00:13:21You might end up with a Nobel Prize.
00:13:24I hadn't thought of that.
00:13:25Now, come on, look, Rodney.
00:13:27We're walls through the customs at Gatwick.
00:13:29They won't take any notice of us.
00:13:30Del, what do you know about diamonds, eh?
00:13:33I mean, to you, diamonds are them things that you wear in your cufflinks
00:13:36and, quite honest with you, I've seen better cat's eyes.
00:13:39I don't have to know anything.
00:13:40Abdel's in charge of that sign.
00:13:42We're just the couriers.
00:13:46Hang on a minute.
00:13:48What do you mean, we?
00:13:51Don't think I'm going to cut my little kid brother out of a deal like this, do you?
00:13:54What's the bloke you think I am?
00:13:56Well, your little kid brother don't want to cut in.
00:13:58A little while ago you said you wanted to be a courier.
00:14:00Yeah, for Club 1830.
00:14:03Look, I'm going to need you on this one, Rodney.
00:14:04Because when that aeroplane lands, you're going to be my diversion.
00:14:07Do you know how long I'd go away for?
00:14:09I've already got a record for petitioner cannabis, aren't I?
00:14:13Exactly.
00:14:13And that is what's going to be my diversion.
00:14:15See, because not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond trade,
00:14:18but it's also the drugs capital of Europe, right?
00:14:20So when we go through passport control,
00:14:22and they see Rodney Trotter nipping off the wall,
00:14:24and they're going to say,
00:14:25Oh, that little rascal, he's after the old exotic stuff again.
00:14:29When we come back through customs,
00:14:31who they going to nag?
00:14:32Me, the sophisticated jet-setter in a camel-air coat?
00:14:35Or you, the boomtown rat?
00:14:36We're going to pull me, aren't they?
00:14:38Exactly.
00:14:39So whilst you're inside being strip-search, you know, and all that game,
00:14:42me and the diamonds are going to have a net way down to Kermit.
00:14:45Oh, terrific.
00:14:46So while you're off down the road jollying it up,
00:14:48it's touch-your-toast time for Rodney.
00:14:51You won't come to any arm, Rodney.
00:14:53Won't be a minor discomfort.
00:14:54Don't let you go in a couple of hours.
00:14:56And then you come home to five lovely grand.
00:15:00Which is your share.
00:15:04Five grand?
00:15:06Five grand.
00:15:07Buy an awful lot of lollipops for five grand, Rodney.
00:15:10Get yourself a nice second-hand Capri.
00:15:13Whip round to Imogen's, get your old card stamped.
00:15:16Know what I mean?
00:15:17I don't know.
00:15:22I've never actually been to Amsterdam.
00:15:25I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an holiday, eh?
00:15:28Yeah, I mean, we'll be there at least an hour.
00:15:33Look, come on, while you're thinking about it,
00:15:34let's try and knock some of this gear out.
00:15:36Make some of that stuff that we read about for profit.
00:15:38Because if all this falls through, bruv, we are skin, right?
00:15:43Denzil, my son!
00:15:45No!
00:15:46So what?
00:15:47No, I don't want to buy anything.
00:15:49No, I don't want to sell anything.
00:15:50And no, I don't want you to make me a millionaire.
00:15:53Isn't it marvellous, say?
00:15:54Isn't it marvellous?
00:15:56You just stop to say hello to an old mate and all you get is a load of old verbal.
00:15:59I don't want anything, Denzil, on it.
00:16:02What are you carrying?
00:16:03Nothing.
00:16:04It's empty.
00:16:05Ah, well, I can fill that up for you.
00:16:07You can earn yourself a few, Bob.
00:16:08Look, just leave me alone, will you?
00:16:10All right.
00:16:11Corrine and I have just got back together again.
00:16:13And I've had to promise here that I'd stop seeing you,
00:16:15stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job.
00:16:18Is it my fault you married a wrong'un?
00:16:21There's no reason to give me a volley.
00:16:23Just hang about there for a minute.
00:16:24I'll be back.
00:16:26He's everywhere I go, you know.
00:16:28He's on the phone to me.
00:16:30He's at me front door.
00:16:32He's in the betting shop.
00:16:33He's in the pub.
00:16:34And now he's in a bloody traffic jam.
00:16:36You know what, Rodney?
00:16:37I get this feeling that he's haunting me.
00:16:40You know what I mean?
00:16:40Yeah.
00:16:42Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
00:16:49Hey, what's up with this?
00:16:51What have I done now?
00:16:52I've gone on a Sunday, Bill.
00:16:54I mean, all you've ever done is ruin his wedding reception,
00:16:57almost break up his marriage,
00:16:59flood his kitchen and steal his £2,000 redundancy money
00:17:02and he goes and gets all silly about it.
00:17:09Yeah.
00:17:14These are Japanese and these are Hairy Needs.
00:17:19Right?
00:17:19So now what's the difference?
00:17:20I'll tell you what the difference is.
00:17:21These will not give you the time in all the major capital cities of the world.
00:17:24Neither are they a calculator, nor do they play 36 different national anthem.
00:17:27But this will.
00:17:29This is a quality timepiece of precision craftsmanship
00:17:32that will cost you £67 upwards.
00:17:34Now, I'm not going to ask you for £67.
00:17:36Oh, no.
00:17:37I'm not going to ask you for £47.
00:17:38I'm not asking £37.
00:17:40Steady on, Bill.
00:17:41Think of the profit, Martin.
00:17:42No, no, don't interrupt me now, Rodney,
00:17:43because look why I'm in my stride.
00:17:45I'm not asking you for £27.
00:17:47This is £15 for this quality watch, ladies and gentlemen.
00:17:50That's all.
00:17:50This beautiful timepiece.
00:17:51Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
00:17:52For a mere £20.
00:17:53No, no.
00:17:54You said £15.
00:17:54I beg your pardon, man?
00:17:55You said £15.
00:17:56No, I don't.
00:17:58You said £15.
00:17:59Hold on.
00:18:00Hold on, Rodney.
00:18:01Hold on.
00:18:01I do believe that I said £15.
00:18:03I'm sorry.
00:18:03I must be going mad.
00:18:05I'm sure I said...
00:18:06I'm going mad.
00:18:06Alright, Don.
00:18:07Just to show you that I'm a man of my word.
00:18:08Go on, you can have this watch for £15.
00:18:10Go on, steal it from me.
00:18:11Go on, listen.
00:18:11I'm losing money on the deal.
00:18:13Right, Rodney?
00:18:13Come on, get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase,
00:18:15because there'll be a mad rush in a minute.
00:18:18Oh, they're all going all that well, are they?
00:18:20They're going down like sabaloys and a kippus.
00:18:22Yeah.
00:18:23I could just sell one and know that the others would follow.
00:18:26Here.
00:18:27Just a minute.
00:18:28I've had an idea.
00:18:28What's wrong?
00:18:30Hey, there you are.
00:18:31Listen, ladies and gentlemen.
00:18:32Listen, listen.
00:18:32Excuse me.
00:18:33Just a moment.
00:18:33Give us your time, because I've just had a business discussion
00:18:35with my partner here on my right,
00:18:37who informs me that we desperately need the space in the suitcase.
00:18:41Right?
00:18:41So, what I'm going to have to do,
00:18:42I'm going to have to give these watches away.
00:18:43I've just got to give them away.
00:18:44So, here you go.
00:18:45I'm giving them away at £10 each.
00:18:46There you go.
00:18:47Go on, £10.
00:18:48£15 to the black float.
00:18:49Can't take fairer than that.
00:18:50Why can't the house for £10 then?
00:18:51For £10?
00:18:52Of course you can.
00:18:53Take the man's money.
00:18:54There you go.
00:18:54Come along then.
00:18:55There we sold that one.
00:18:56There we go.
00:18:57We're off and running.
00:18:58There you go.
00:18:58Come on, darling.
00:18:59Cast your bread upon the water.
00:19:00That's what I say.
00:19:01Then it'll come back £10.
00:19:03That's what I'll get.
00:19:04Alright, listen.
00:19:05Give us your money.
00:19:05Take the money.
00:19:10Alright, listen.
00:19:10Hang about.
00:19:11We'll be back in five minutes.
00:19:12It's alright.
00:19:18Don't look back.
00:19:24Del Boy.
00:19:25Slater.
00:19:26Well, what a coincidence.
00:19:28I was just saying to Hoskins, I wonder how my old mate Del Boy is.
00:19:31Weren't I, Hoskins?
00:19:33Aye.
00:19:33Oh, yes, sir.
00:19:35Now you, Rodney.
00:19:37Very well, thank you, Detective Inspector.
00:19:40Chief Inspector.
00:19:42Sorry, I didn't know you'd been promoted.
00:19:44Yeah.
00:19:44About six months back.
00:19:46I took Hoskins with me.
00:19:47He's my driver.
00:19:48Oh, driver.
00:19:49Everyone always said you'd be going places, Terry.
00:19:51Going places?
00:19:53Oh, yeah.
00:19:55Here, I saw your mum down the next head last night, Slater.
00:19:58Yeah?
00:19:58She has come after me.
00:20:00No.
00:20:02Do you fancy a cup of tea, darling?
00:20:04Actually, Roy, we're in a bit of a hurry, if you don't mind.
00:20:06I don't think you heard the question, Del.
00:20:07I said, do you fancy a cup of tea?
00:20:09Well, no, you come to mention it, I'm a bit parched.
00:20:21There you go.
00:20:24Detective Inspector.
00:20:27Chief.
00:20:29What?
00:20:30I'm a chief now.
00:20:32Good morning.
00:20:33I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives.
00:20:38Watch what you say, Rodney.
00:20:40That Slater's a bastard.
00:20:44I said...
00:20:45Watch what you say.
00:20:46Slater's a bastard.
00:20:48Yeah.
00:20:49I remember from the last time.
00:20:51He's on the warpath now.
00:20:52He's retiring soon and wants to go out in a blaze of glory.
00:20:56Retiring?
00:20:56It's a bit early, isn't it?
00:20:57He's had no choice.
00:20:59He's come from the top.
00:21:00They're forcing him out.
00:21:02See, a little while ago, Slater persuaded this young black fella,
00:21:06a sign of full confession, to be in a peeping time.
00:21:09When the case gets the call, it turns out he's a registered blind person.
00:21:14Bad publicity for the police, hasn't he?
00:21:15What about a poor black bun?
00:21:17Oh, he's not too upset.
00:21:19I reckon he might get a record contract ahead of him.
00:21:21Shh.
00:21:23There you are, Hoskins.
00:21:24Bacon sandwich for ya.
00:21:26Are you sure you didn't want nothing to eat?
00:21:28Yeah, yeah, yeah, quite sure.
00:21:29We're not all that hungry, actually, Roy.
00:21:31Anyway, what are you doing back in the parish?
00:21:32I thought you'd been transferred to the river police.
00:21:34No, not transferred, no.
00:21:35That was just a special assignment.
00:21:37I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers.
00:21:42Any luck?
00:21:44Oh, I caught them, Del, yeah.
00:21:46Even nabbed the ringleader.
00:21:47These are called Hendricks.
00:21:49They got away, though.
00:21:50Lack of evidence.
00:21:52It's a choker, innit?
00:21:54Oh, I'll have them, Del.
00:21:55Well, they're still doing it, then?
00:21:57How many times have you almost had them, Hoskins?
00:21:59Twice.
00:22:00Twice, that's right.
00:22:01But each time they've somehow managed to get a shot of the diamonds.
00:22:04If you haven't got them, you've got no evidence.
00:22:07Between you and me, Del, I've heard a whisper they're trying it on again.
00:22:12Come on.
00:22:13A couple of local businessmen, shall we say, have put the money up.
00:22:16Now, we know who they are, don't we, Hoskins?
00:22:18The boy's seen in it.
00:22:19Hoskins!
00:22:21Sorry, sir.
00:22:24But I don't know who the courier is.
00:22:27Now, unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him, I'm knackered.
00:22:31This is where you come in, Del.
00:22:34Me?
00:22:35Nothing like the courier, do we have?
00:22:39Leave off Del, this is big.
00:22:41Man, the way I see it is this.
00:22:45You hear all the gossip in the pubs and the clubs.
00:22:48There's no skin off your nose if you ring me with a name.
00:22:51After all, these businessmen ain't putting no money your way, are they?
00:22:55No.
00:22:56You don't even have to say who's calling.
00:22:58Make it anonymously.
00:23:00And I will make life very comfortable for you.
00:23:04No more aggro from wooden tops in the market.
00:23:08Yes.
00:23:09Very fair are you, Roy?
00:23:11Oh, yeah.
00:23:12Very fair.
00:23:13This is my last case, Del.
00:23:16I'm retiring from the Met.
00:23:18Ah.
00:23:19The commissioner bade me to stay.
00:23:22Quite fair enough.
00:23:24I want my courier to end on a high note.
00:23:27Yeah, well, it cost me.
00:23:28Wish you a lot of luck this later, yeah.
00:23:31I'll get him in the end, Del.
00:23:33I never give up.
00:23:34You see, once I get my teeth into someone, I don't let go.
00:23:39Do you know what they call me at the Met?
00:23:41No.
00:23:44Bulldog.
00:23:46Actually, I've heard one or two people call you Bulldog, or worse out of fact, anyway.
00:23:50So that's the sort of guy I own.
00:23:52I never give up.
00:23:54So if you hear anything, Del, you know me number.
00:23:59Well, it's been nice.
00:24:02That old school day, you and me sat at the same desk.
00:24:05Only this time you didn't put frog spawn in me milk.
00:24:07No.
00:24:09You rascal.
00:24:13Do you want me to pay for my breakfast, Sid, or what?
00:24:17No, have it on the house, Mr Slater.
00:24:20Very nice of you, Sidney.
00:24:21Very nice indeed.
00:24:23You better pay for your breakfast, Hoskins.
00:24:25Thank you, sir.
00:24:29So, you don't like this curry as a man or a woman?
00:24:33A woman?
00:24:34I hadn't thought of that.
00:24:35It's very good thinking, Rodney.
00:24:39Have you ever thought of joining the police?
00:24:42No.
00:24:43I'm ambitious.
00:24:46Very good.
00:24:48No.
00:24:49All I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week.
00:24:55I'll be waiting.
00:25:03There you go, young Terry.
00:25:05Thanks, Sid.
00:25:12Well, that's that then, isn't it?
00:25:13How do you mean?
00:25:14Well, you can't go ahead with it now, can you?
00:25:16Slater's got all the airports covered.
00:25:17Well, he can't watch all the airports 24 hours a day, can he, eh?
00:25:21Have to find another way of sneaking in.
00:25:24Wait a minute.
00:25:25Oh, man.
00:25:26Oh, man.
00:25:30You owe me 32 pence, girl.
00:25:32No, no.
00:25:33Mr Slater paid for ours.
00:25:35Oh.
00:25:42Oh, yes.
00:25:43It has a full service record.
00:25:45Taxed till the end of the month.
00:25:46It'll have no trouble passing his MOT.
00:25:51Boyce, someone on the phone wants you.
00:25:53Who is it?
00:25:54I don't know.
00:25:55Would you just say that I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment, please, Colin?
00:25:59He, um, said it's something to do about diamonds.
00:26:02I'll be right there.
00:26:03Oh.
00:26:05Yes, it's the new Austin Diamond.
00:26:08Coming out next year.
00:26:10Still in the experimental stage.
00:26:12Do excuse me, Mr Biggestaff.
00:26:17Yeah, what's up?
00:26:18It's Del Boyce.
00:26:19Listen, I just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater, you know?
00:26:22Bullshit of the yard.
00:26:24Slater?
00:26:25What's he want?
00:26:26He knows.
00:26:27How are you?
00:26:27I don't know, do I?
00:26:29He's got more grasses than thysons.
00:26:31Well, how much does he know?
00:26:32Well, he knows...
00:26:37He knows that you and Abdel have put that money up.
00:26:39I can't believe it!
00:26:42Well, we can't pull out now, Abdel.
00:26:44Abdel's just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef.
00:26:46All right, listen, don't panic.
00:26:48Don't panic.
00:26:49He doesn't know who the courier is.
00:26:51That's what he was pumping me about.
00:26:52So I'm the last bloke that he suspects.
00:26:54Yeah, but it's all right for you.
00:26:55I've still got 50 grand in my house.
00:26:57If Slater comes sniffing around, how am I going to explain that away?
00:27:01No.
00:27:01We've got to meet tonight.
00:27:02I'll give you the money and Abdel can make the final arrangements.
00:27:06All right, what shall we meet in your place?
00:27:07You must be joking.
00:27:09My house might be under surveillance.
00:27:11We can't meet at Abdel's either for the same reason.
00:27:13All right, how about that?
00:27:14You don't honestly think I'm going to walk across your estate with 50 grand on me, do you?
00:27:18I've got a point.
00:27:20About an exit.
00:27:21Leave off?
00:27:22He knows that's our local.
00:27:23Anyway, we can't meet in any public place.
00:27:25He sees the three of us together.
00:27:26He's got a full story.
00:27:28We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded.
00:27:31Somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own.
00:27:34And nobody will be able to see us.
00:27:38I know just the place.
00:27:39Yeah?
00:27:40Where?
00:27:43The fact of Denzel's bleeding lorry.
00:27:46I mean, what a place to hold a meek.
00:27:48Personally, I think it's a good idea.
00:27:50As Derek said, this is the last place Slater would think of looking.
00:27:53Yeah.
00:27:54But I'm going to get grease stains on my coat.
00:27:57I am going to look a right mess.
00:28:00I mean, what has Denzel had in here?
00:28:03It smells like rotten fish.
00:28:05Oh, stop your whining, Boisey.
00:28:07You're like an old woman at times.
00:28:17Right, they're here.
00:28:19Might be about five minutes.
00:28:25Spot any danger.
00:28:26Give us a signal, right?
00:28:32Oi!
00:28:34What's the signal then?
00:28:35What's the signal then?
00:28:37Oi!
00:28:38Oi!
00:28:38You what?
00:28:39Shall I be Beota?
00:28:40Oh, you wally.
00:28:42That'll attract all sorts of unwanted attention, won't it, eh?
00:28:45Or shall I flash the lights?
00:28:47How are we going to see flashing lights?
00:28:49We're in the back of a ruddy trailer.
00:28:51All right then.
00:28:52So what's the signal?
00:28:55It could make a sound like an owl.
00:28:57An owl sound?
00:28:59Yes, you know, like this.
00:29:03How's that?
00:29:05I can do by any shadows though.
00:29:07I've got enough of your bloody sarcasm, Rodney.
00:29:09Just think of a signal.
00:29:11Back in a minute.
00:29:14You don't think Slater suspects anything else, do you?
00:29:17No, if he'd suspected that, he'd be around with a search bottle by now.
00:29:20Yeah.
00:29:22Hello, hello, hello?
00:29:24What are you doing in here then?
00:29:29Get in here, for God's sake, we are!
00:29:33He caught an off-hum in here, didn't he?
00:29:37All right, Abdul, got everything sorted out?
00:29:39Yes, the arrangements have all been made.
00:29:41I mean, of all the places on earth, why in God's name do we have to meet in the back
00:29:45of a sticky lorry?
00:29:48Look around you.
00:29:49Can you think of a better place?
00:29:51No prying eyes, no plain clothes coppers.
00:29:54Nobody knows we're in here.
00:29:56What do you mean, Pencil don't know?
00:29:57Of course he don't.
00:29:58Leave it out, he don't, did he?
00:30:00No, apart from Rodney out there in a van, we're the only three people in the world who know we're
00:30:03in here.
00:30:05All right.
00:30:06All right, look at me.
00:30:08Get your coat and a uniformed, Officer Hoskins.
00:30:10Where are we off to, sir?
00:30:11At the transport cafe in Soweto Road.
00:30:14One of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry.
00:30:17Righto, sir.
00:30:19Parker, get a call round of the front.
00:30:22I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time for the exchange.
00:30:27Now you must be very clear about these matters, Derek.
00:30:29So listen carefully.
00:30:30The exchange will take place this coming Friday at 12 noon.
00:30:3312 noon, right.
00:30:35That's right.
00:30:36Now here is the address in Amsterdam.
00:30:37Memorise it and then destroy it.
00:30:40Doesn't self-destruct, then.
00:30:41Be serious, Del, please.
00:30:43Friday at 12, right.
00:30:45Oh, I got it.
00:30:46My cousin Hussain will meet you in Van Cleef's office.
00:30:49Cousin?
00:30:49Stone the Abdul.
00:30:51Your family get everywhere, don't they?
00:30:52Got a brother in France, cousin in Holland.
00:30:54Sure you ain't got no one out and out of Mongolia?
00:30:56A very distant uncle, but we never talk about him.
00:31:01My cousin is also a diamond merchant.
00:31:03He will be there to check the merchandise.
00:31:05Check it, all right.
00:31:05Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, don't we, Del Boy?
00:31:09Watch it, boys.
00:31:10See, my mum gave me them.
00:31:12Oh.
00:31:13Shh!
00:31:17That's all.
00:31:17That's all.
00:31:18Come on, where's the money?
00:31:18Where's the money?
00:31:21It's 50 grand there, Del Boy.
00:31:24Please be careful with it.
00:31:26Trust me, boys.
00:31:27Of course we trust you.
00:31:29What's the combination of this?
00:31:31When you get to Van Cleef's office, you phone me and then I'll give you the combination.
00:31:35Oh, that's terrific.
00:31:37That's a great deal of trust, that is, isn't it, eh?
00:31:39One thing we forgot to mention.
00:31:41The most important thing of all.
00:31:42If anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong.
00:31:45But if it should, you never heard of us.
00:31:47If we had our client, nothing to do with it, you never heard the name Van Cleef.
00:31:51It's just a precaution, Del Boy.
00:31:53Terrific.
00:31:54That means I'm up on offer, don't it, eh?
00:31:56That's what we're paying you 15 grand for.
00:31:58All right, all right.
00:32:00Don't worry, there won't be no comebacks.
00:32:02What about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets, then?
00:32:04Tickets?
00:32:05You only need the one, Delic.
00:32:06No, I'm taking my kid brother with me.
00:32:08Take him, Rob?
00:32:08What is this, a bloody outing?
00:32:10No.
00:32:12What is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the customs?
00:32:15Look, it's going to be hard enough.
00:32:16What with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreted about amongst all the duty frees.
00:32:21Don't make it any harder.
00:32:24Very well.
00:32:25You'll pay the expenses.
00:32:26It's all right.
00:32:27Don't lump them up too much, slow.
00:32:28All right.
00:32:30Right.
00:32:31I'm off.
00:32:32Oh, yeah.
00:32:32I wonder what the smell was all night.
00:32:35Right.
00:32:35We'll see you next Friday when you return.
00:32:37Good luck, Delic.
00:32:39Best of luck, Del Boy.
00:32:40You're the kid?
00:32:41Give us a minute to get clear.
00:32:43All right.
00:33:21Parker.
00:33:22Down there.
00:33:23Hoskins check over the back there.
00:33:39What was that, sir?
00:33:40I don't know.
00:33:41Sounds like a crow.
00:33:42Crow.
00:34:06Oh, my God.
00:34:08Oh, God.
00:34:11He'll throw the bloody key.
00:34:13Get me away.
00:34:14Come on.
00:34:14Get on with it.
00:34:15We'll never get home tonight.
00:34:16Any luck?
00:34:17Not yet, sir.
00:34:29Hoskins.
00:34:30Parker.
00:34:35This looks promising, sir.
00:34:45Take over, Hoskins.
00:34:49All right, Parker.
00:34:50Me?
00:35:04What is that?
00:35:05I don't know, but whatever it is, it's been dead a fortnight.
00:35:09Right.
00:35:09We'll have a quick shifty over the back, then we'll call it a night.
00:35:18Some of these lorry drivers invite crime, don't they?
00:35:20Look at me.
00:35:37Oh.
00:35:42Oh.
00:35:42Oh, my God.
00:35:44Oh.
00:35:44Oh.
00:35:45Oh.
00:35:45Oh.
00:35:46Oh.
00:35:46Oh.
00:35:46Oh, my God.
00:35:47Oh, oh.
00:35:47Oh, yes.
00:35:47Oh, thank God.
00:36:08I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
00:36:18Denzel, you blonger!
00:36:23Come on, please!
00:36:26Please, I'll clean you, I'll clean you!
00:36:29Oh boy, we've got one alone!
00:36:43Denzel!
00:36:45Denzel, this is your friend to speak in!
00:36:49Please stop!
00:36:51I'll do it here when I get hold of you!
00:36:57Bloody hoax phone calls, my last case, I have to put up with jokers.
00:37:00Check your desk, Hoskins, mate, I've had some new reports.
00:37:04No, nothing yet, sir.
00:37:06I want to watch but on Boise and Abdul.
00:37:07I want to know everywhere they go, everything they do.
00:37:10They've got to make their moves soon.
00:37:12Who's the courier, Hoskins?
00:37:14I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from.
00:37:17But I don't know who's bringing it in.
00:37:20They're going to be local, sir.
00:37:21Oh yeah, wouldn't go far outside the parish, you've got to have someone they can trust.
00:37:25But who?
00:37:27It's a mystery, sir.
00:37:29No one's behaving in an unusual manner.
00:37:31Well, no more unusual than normal.
00:37:35Everybody's just carrying on the same.
00:37:37Except the trotters.
00:37:38They went around the estate, their van's missing.
00:37:41Toward the area, no sign of it.
00:37:42Maybe it's been nicked, sir.
00:37:44Nicked?
00:37:45If someone's nicked that three-wheel banner there, we've got a dangerous mania on our hands.
00:37:50Take your point, sir.
00:37:53Something's just struck me, Hoskins.
00:37:56Maybe we've been underestimating Del Boy.
00:37:59All these years he may have been fooling us with his nine-carat gold and his wide-awake suits.
00:38:04I mean, Del Boy's well acquainted with the ways of this world.
00:38:07He knows all the wrinkles, he invented a lot of them himself.
00:38:10And his soppy brother's got GCEs.
00:38:13What are you trying to say, sir?
00:38:15What I'm saying is, Hoskins,
00:38:18maybe them two's more intelligent than we've given them credit for.
00:38:22Yeah.
00:38:23It's all beginning to fit.
00:38:25The Dutch firm are the suppliers.
00:38:27Boycey and Abdul are the money men.
00:38:29And the trotters...
00:38:32...are the brains.
00:38:34Damn, basile!
00:38:42You could be right, sir.
00:38:43I was only joking, Hoskins.
00:38:46For God's sake, you've got no sense of humour.
00:38:48Sorry, sir.
00:38:49Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:39:06In- model.
00:39:08In- to-!
00:39:10In- to-!
00:39:12In- to-!
00:39:13What a lie!
00:39:22Lots of music as always, and this one is as a special request for all you truckers listening in this
00:39:27morning.
00:40:06It's a pound. What? I said that's a pound.
00:40:14I've got 75 pence. Well that's not a pound is it?
00:40:19Oh no, but this has only got three wheels.
00:40:21That's only got two, but it's still a pound.
00:40:30Now honey, be careful where you dump that thing will you?
00:40:33Funny isn't it? I'm laughing, look!
00:40:49There's your tea now.
00:40:51Now you want that breakfast?
00:40:53Of course I do. Just a bit drowsy, that's all.
00:40:55You've been overworking, love. I've seen it before with you lorry drivers, trying to work 25 hours a day.
00:41:01I know the money's good, lovey, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary.
00:41:05I'm always like this after a night try.
00:41:07You're looking tired, lovey. You're dark round the eyes.
00:41:11I'm dark around everywhere, lovey.
00:41:13Listen, don't you worry about me, I'm a big strong lad, you know. I'll prove it to you.
00:41:17I'm not talking about physical illness.
00:41:20There's no knowing what lack of sleep and overwork does to the brain.
00:41:25I've seen it happen to them, lovey.
00:41:27In what?
00:41:28Young fit men, went to pieces.
00:41:31Started hearing things and seeing things.
00:41:35You slow down, lovey, or you'll go the same way.
00:41:54From the building, run right to pieces.
00:41:56From the building, run right to pieces and overwork.
00:42:14Hell?
00:42:19Good, Burton.
00:42:21Oh, hey, RuPaul!
00:42:24Ab erst, let all the money go,
00:42:24Save me. You're a saint, Rodgers.
00:42:28You're a 42. You're a saint.
00:42:31Come on, let's get you out of here.
00:42:32Yeah, would you?
00:42:37It's been a nightmare, Rodney. A bloody nightmare.
00:42:40Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that.
00:42:43Luke, do you want something to eat or a cup of tea?
00:42:45No, I'm sure we ain't got time for all day.
00:42:47We've got to get the aeroplane tickets and a lot, haven't we, eh?
00:42:49Come on, let's go.
00:42:51Come on, Rodney, come on.
00:42:55What the bloody hell am I?
00:42:57Hull.
00:42:59Hull?
00:43:03Well, Hull in...
00:43:06What's his name?
00:43:07Yorkshire, yeah.
00:43:09What the bloody hell am I doing in Hull?
00:43:12This is where Denzel brought you, innit?
00:43:14He's probably got a load to pick up.
00:43:16Bloody half-head Denzel.
00:43:18Oh, get him. You just see if I don't.
00:43:19Oi, don't you think you ought to have a rest, eh? Get your strength back.
00:43:22Peck?
00:43:22No, I don't, Rodney. Just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible.
00:43:26Otherwise I'll be saying, eh, up and breeding whippets before I'm very much older.
00:43:30Come on.
00:43:46Switch that off, Rodney.
00:43:48I'll take a look.
00:43:51What?
00:43:53Boats.
00:43:54Oh, yeah.
00:43:55Big boats, little boats.
00:43:57Yeah, it is, uh, red one, white one, look.
00:44:02But don't you see, Rodney?
00:44:05See what?
00:44:07Slater's got all the airports covered.
00:44:08Why has he got all the airports covered?
00:44:10Because that's how he thinks that we're getting back into the country.
00:44:12Yeah.
00:44:14But that's how we are getting back into the country.
00:44:17Not anymore, we ain't.
00:44:18We're going by boat.
00:44:20Oh, yes.
00:44:21Like it, Derek.
00:44:22Yeah, we get a ferry.
00:44:26Not the ferry, you plonk, huh?
00:44:29The customs there are going to be just as bad as they are at the airports.
00:44:34No, we're going to sail across in our own little boat.
00:44:38Sorry?
00:44:40We're going to sail out of here to Holland and back again, and no one will be any the wiser.
00:44:46We?
00:44:47We are going to...
00:44:49Us.
00:44:50In the sea.
00:44:52Yeah.
00:44:53Look, it's not far.
00:44:54Look, it's only across the water there.
00:44:56Look, isn't it, eh?
00:44:57I mean, I remember seeing it on the map.
00:44:58It's only that far.
00:45:01Derek, we'll die.
00:45:03No, we'll be a piece of cake.
00:45:04We'll be in and out of there like a sour plum.
00:45:07Phil, we don't know the first thing about sailing a boat.
00:45:11Oh, Rodney.
00:45:13Rodney.
00:45:14Use your filbert.
00:45:16I'm going to get one with an engine.
00:45:27Yes.
00:45:34You don't think of me, lad.
00:45:54Hi there, shipmate.
00:45:56Morning.
00:45:57Any idea where I could hire a boat round here?
00:46:00You want to hire a boat?
00:46:02Yeah.
00:46:02What kind of a boat?
00:46:03Oh, um, a schooner.
00:46:05Schooner?
00:46:06Yeah, with an engine.
00:46:07Schooner with an engine?
00:46:08Yeah.
00:46:10Follow me, shipmate.
00:46:12I might have just a thing for you.
00:46:13Oh.
00:46:14Tally ho.
00:46:18Well, Rodney, what do you reckon?
00:46:21Well, this town's got woodworm.
00:46:24No, that's not woodworm.
00:46:26Let's just, um...
00:46:28Let's just...
00:46:29What is that?
00:46:30That's where the ropes have worn it away through the years.
00:46:33Just where the rope has worn it away through the years.
00:46:34It's sort of wear and tear, isn't it?
00:46:36And we're supposed to sail to Holland in this thing?
00:46:39This is a sturdy vessel, sir.
00:46:41Built of very mature timber.
00:46:43In other words, it's old.
00:46:44Well, the old ones are the best ones, Rodney.
00:46:46No, we're talking about boats now, Dale, not your birds.
00:46:49Oi.
00:46:50Don't push your luck, it's all you get.
00:46:52I'll leave you to Holland to discuss it.
00:46:54I'll be over here.
00:46:55Yeah.
00:46:56Uh, okay, yes.
00:46:57Uh, hoi there, shipmate.
00:46:59Um, we'll be ashore in a minute.
00:47:02Yeah, uh, we'll go ashore, what, about seven bells, eh, Dale?
00:47:05Uh, will you pipe him ashore, or shall I?
00:47:09I'm beginning to lose my temper, Rodney.
00:47:11You'll cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
00:47:16You're not really letting your boat out to them southern nances, are you?
00:47:19Oh, yes.
00:47:20You'll never see it again.
00:47:23That vessel is worth ten thousand pounds.
00:47:25At least that's what it's in at the insurance papers.
00:47:29Oh, come on, Rodney.
00:47:32We can do it.
00:47:33You know, he who dares wins.
00:47:36Look, I got the right price from the owner and everything.
00:47:39Well, I'll tell you now, there's no way us two can sell this thing to Holland and back.
00:47:43What, huh, huh, huh?
00:47:44But us two?
00:47:46You think that we're going to sail it?
00:47:48Is that what you thought?
00:47:50That us pair of walleys are going to take this thing out on the ice seas?
00:47:53Well, yeah.
00:47:56Of course we're not.
00:47:59No, I'm going to get us a skipper.
00:48:00An experienced man to do the sailing.
00:48:04So there's going to be someone in charge.
00:48:06Of course there is.
00:48:09You didn't think I was going to risk our lives, did you?
00:48:13Oh, come here, you dipstick.
00:48:18Dear God.
00:48:20Leave it out, Rodney.
00:48:22That is England's greatest little sailor since Nelson lost the Armada.
00:48:27Ahoy there!
00:48:28Yeah, yeah.
00:48:29Ship ahoy!
00:48:30Del, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sank.
00:48:35I know.
00:48:36Luck's got to change sometime, hasn't it, Rodney?
00:48:38All right, Uncle Albert?
00:48:39All ship shape and Bristol fashion.
00:48:41Yeah, he's got all the dialogue, hasn't he?
00:48:43Good, good.
00:48:43Come on, then.
00:48:44Right, now, listen.
00:48:45You bring the passport in the old double bag.
00:48:47Good, good.
00:48:48You bring some clothes?
00:48:49I'll kill some of my old jumpers in.
00:48:51Lovely.
00:48:51Did you bring our clothes?
00:48:53Did you want me to bring you some, then?
00:48:54Oh, what do you think I phoned up about?
00:48:56I thought you meant my clothes.
00:48:59We haven't had a wash or a change of clothes for two days now.
00:49:02Well, how am I supposed to know that?
00:49:04We don't have a lot of working out, does it?
00:49:06Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, you two.
00:49:09All right, calm down, calm down.
00:49:11Don't worry.
00:49:12We'll sort something out.
00:49:14All right.
00:49:15Come on, Skipper.
00:49:16Let's show you your vessel.
00:49:17Yeah, I'd like to look her over, Del.
00:49:19Make sure she meets with my approval.
00:49:23Pleading shame if she don't, because we sail in half an hour.
00:49:28All right, Albert, slow down.
00:49:30You're going too fast.
00:49:32You're going too fast.
00:49:33Slow down.
00:49:35Oh, right.
00:49:36Right a bit.
00:49:37Eh?
00:49:38To your right.
00:49:40You mean starboard.
00:49:41I mean right.
00:49:43Don't start all that Captain Bird's eye, bloody cobblers.
00:49:45I said right.
00:49:47Come on, right.
00:49:49Now, you've gone too far now.
00:49:51You're too far.
00:49:52Come on.
00:49:52Come over to your left.
00:49:55There.
00:49:56I said, I said left.
00:49:58That's port side.
00:50:00I'll come up there and punch you in the bloody nose in a minute.
00:50:03What I say left, I mean left.
00:50:07Mind this little boat down there.
00:50:09Eh?
00:50:11What's this?
00:50:11What's this little boat?
00:50:18What did you say, pal?
00:50:21Enter you, son.
00:50:23Cheeky git.
00:50:25All right, come to your right again, Albert.
00:50:28You're doing very well.
00:50:29Not so.
00:50:31What are you doing, that?
00:50:32We've got some bite to stand.
00:50:33So what?
00:50:33Look, come right again.
00:50:36It's over work, that's all.
00:50:38Too many hours in that lorry cab.
00:50:39All you need is a little relaxation and some fresh air.
00:50:43That's all.
00:50:58Gordon Bennett!
00:51:02I'm sick.
00:51:04I'm sick.
00:51:07I feel sick, though.
00:51:09Well, I can't believe it out, you tart.
00:51:12We've only just started.
00:51:14It's only just a little ripple.
00:51:16Wait till we get out there on the big waves.
00:51:18We'll be going up and down and up and down.
00:51:23We're just like the Big Dipper.
00:51:24Woo!
00:51:25Yee!
00:51:26Oh, God.
00:51:28Huh?
00:51:29That's it, Rodney.
00:51:30Go on, cough it up.
00:51:31Could be nice.
00:51:34Oh, it's an old jingle running down the spine, this, isn't it?
00:51:38Ha-ha!
00:51:39Well, it's in the blood, of course.
00:51:41This island race.
00:51:44This septic isle.
00:51:46Yeah.
00:51:47Us, Rich, we've got salt water flowing through our veins.
00:51:50Oh, we shut up about blood and veins.
00:51:54What do you think of all the English heroes that have set sail out of these waters and they
00:51:58go and discover a new world and stitch the day goes up?
00:52:04It makes you feel very, very proud.
00:52:15Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band-a-man.
00:52:21Robin Hood, Robin Hood, ride him through the glen.
00:52:27Beard by the good.
00:52:31Have you got any idea where we are?
00:52:34Well, not really, Dale.
00:52:35I've never got the hang of these charts.
00:52:38Well, then how in God's name did you expect to get us across to Holland?
00:52:41Well, they all said it weren't all that far.
00:52:43Well, it ain't all that far if you're going in the right bleeding direction.
00:52:47Should have been in Holland five hours ago.
00:52:50Look at it.
00:52:51Middle of the poxy-bleeding night and not a wimp mill anywhere.
00:52:54Thought you said that you could sail a boat.
00:52:56Well, it went, didn't it?
00:52:57I know it went, yeah, it went all right, but where, eh?
00:53:01Look, Albert, where is our position?
00:53:04Well, we're, er, we're here, aren't we?
00:53:09Sort of.
00:53:11Oh, right.
00:53:13So, according to all your calculations, we're just off the Strait of Gibraltar, but we're also
00:53:18very close to Copenhagen.
00:53:20Well, it narrows it down a little bit, doesn't it?
00:53:22Yeah.
00:53:23In the right ocean, at least.
00:53:25When I was in the Navy, I was a boiler maintenance man.
00:53:29So you've never actually studied navigation at all?
00:53:32Boiler maintenance man didn't that do.
00:53:34You see, the boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship's going.
00:53:38Look, we can't be far away, can we, I mean?
00:53:40Seemed to go pretty straight, didn't we?
00:53:43Pretty?
00:53:43He's something else, isn't he?
00:53:45And what about all the currents they've got around here, eh?
00:53:47We could have drifted anywhere by now.
00:53:48Yes, he's right and all, eh?
00:53:51We're in the middle of the North Sea, aren't we?
00:53:53We've got more currents than I've crossed the bum.
00:53:56Let's not panic, eh?
00:53:57We'll wait till the morning, fall to see us, are we?
00:54:00Oh, yeah.
00:54:01We'll keep our eyes peeled for two lips.
00:54:03Listen out for the sound of clocks.
00:54:16We'll keep our eyes peeled for two lips.
00:54:46They're millions of them, aren't they?
00:54:50I love him.
00:54:52I just bloody love him.
00:54:58Isn't there anything up there that rings the bell?
00:55:01I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be looking for.
00:55:04They've all got names, haven't they?
00:55:06Like the bear, things like that.
00:55:09Oh, well, can't you just find the bear?
00:55:11Well, what does it look like?
00:55:13Well, it looks like a bloody rabbit, doesn't it?
00:55:15I mean, what do you think a bear looks like?
00:55:17Well, where would I find it?
00:55:18Standing up there on top of the glacier mint.
00:55:21You're giving me the hump you are, Albert.
00:55:23You're giving me the right hump.
00:55:25Look!
00:55:26What?
00:55:27Under here.
00:55:29It's Concord.
00:55:31So?
00:55:33What's your saying?
00:55:34Concord?
00:55:40I'm going to kill him.
00:55:41I'm going to kill him, Mr. Socky, old man.
00:55:43I'm going to kill you.
00:55:43Del, leave him alone.
00:56:02Here we go, Rodders.
00:56:04There's your tea.
00:56:05Sorry I spilled here.
00:56:07Any luck?
00:56:08No, not a thing.
00:56:09What is that he had?
00:56:10Oh, he's down below in the cabin.
00:56:12Pogson about with the radio.
00:56:13It's all crackles and isses and dog-a-bank.
00:56:15There's something I'm going to be doing with it.
00:56:17Well, at least he's doing something positive and gets us out of this mess.
00:56:19Positive?
00:56:20He's trying to get the Kid Jensen show.
00:56:26Where are the binoculars?
00:56:32Ahoy!
00:56:34Full of head both, Mr. Christian.
00:56:37Why?
00:56:37We're going to Holland, Rudders.
00:56:39We're going to Holland.
00:56:49Oi!
00:56:51Oi!
00:56:52John!
00:56:54Holland!
00:56:56What?
00:56:57Which way to Holland?
00:56:59Holland?
00:57:02It's over there!
00:57:04Cheers, pal!
00:57:06Albert!
00:57:07It's to the right!
00:57:09Holland is that way!
00:57:12Thank you!
00:57:16Rodney, Steve?
00:57:18Don't know the way.
00:57:18You've just got to ask someone, haven't you?
00:57:21Fine.
00:57:27What is the pan?
00:57:28What do you keep asking me for?
00:57:30You've got a watch of your own, haven't you?
00:57:31Yes, but it hasn't worked properly since Dell sold it to me.
00:57:35It is 5 to 11.
00:57:37That's 5 to 12 their time.
00:57:38The exchange doesn't take place till midday.
00:57:40So just calm down, will you?
00:57:42Calm down, he says.
00:57:44I'm becoming rather concerned about this whole affair.
00:57:46What is worrying you now?
00:57:49You know perfectly well what's worrying me.
00:57:50What happens if Van Cleef discovers that 50,000 pounds is all counterfeit money?
00:57:54And how's he going to do that?
00:57:55He's a Dutchman.
00:57:56He wouldn't know a dodgy English tenor from a real one.
00:57:58Not immediately, perhaps, but in time he may.
00:58:01We have discussed this time and time again.
00:58:05The first thing Van Cleef is going to do is launder that money.
00:58:08He's then going to exchange it at safe houses for Dutch notes.
00:58:11It will then be exchanged time and time again,
00:58:13passed through many hands until some smart arse discovers it's worthless.
00:58:17But by then it will be too late because they won't know who gave it to them.
00:58:22Dell may notice their face.
00:58:24I shouldn't think so.
00:58:25In any case, he's hardly going to voice his doubts with Van Cleef and his heavies in close attendance, is
00:58:29he?
00:58:32It's a minute to go.
00:58:33I wonder if he's there yet.
00:58:35Where are we then?
00:58:36It's obvious, isn't it, eh?
00:58:38We're in Bulgaria.
00:58:40I know that.
00:58:41I know where we are.
00:58:43What I meant was...
00:58:45Well, where are we?
00:58:46This is the North Sea Canal, Rodney.
00:58:48It takes us right into the heart of Amsterdam.
00:58:51Yeah.
00:58:51Just don't act suspicious, Rodney.
00:58:54Just let's pretend we're Dutchmen, all right?
00:58:58I act!
00:59:04It's one very past time.
00:59:05Why ain't he wrong?
00:59:06Maybe they've sunk.
00:59:07I don't know how they got their Uncle Albert with it.
00:59:11Yeah, maybe they have sunk.
00:59:14Hello.
00:59:16Oh, hello, Mr. Biggestaff.
00:59:19You bought a car off us when?
00:59:22Well, I don't care if you are broken down on the A1.
00:59:24What do you expect me to do about it?
00:59:27Well, my advice to you, pal, is shove it.
00:59:30No, this is not Mr. Boyce speaking.
00:59:32This is his public relations officer.
00:59:43Oh, my God.
01:00:03You stay down here, all right?
01:00:04Why?
01:00:05Because we don't know what sort of welcome we're going to get out there, do we?
01:00:08Might turn very nasty.
01:00:10Oi, listen, Joe.
01:00:10If there's going to be any trouble, I want to be up there with you.
01:00:12I want you to stay down here, Rodney.
01:00:14First sign of any trouble from up there.
01:00:15Now, you leg it.
01:00:16No.
01:00:17Rodney, you, keep your eye on him.
01:00:19Make sure he stays down here.
01:00:20All right, dear.
01:00:21It's for the best, son.
01:00:45Good afternoon.
01:00:47Derek Trotter from London.
01:00:58Good afternoon, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:01:00My name is Derek Trotter.
01:01:02Sorry I'm a bit late.
01:01:04I had a bit of bother, as you can probably see.
01:01:06Not a worry, Mr. Trotter.
01:01:08You're here now.
01:01:10This is Mr. Hussein, Abdul's cousin.
01:01:13And these two gentlemen are my assistants.
01:01:16He's a big lad, isn't he?
01:01:18I suppose it's all that cheese he eats, is he?
01:01:26You have the money, Mr. Trotter?
01:01:28Yes, I have the money, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:01:30You have the diamonds?
01:01:32Yes.
01:01:33I have the diamonds.
01:01:43If you'll examine them, I'll make the phone call.
01:01:54Hello.
01:01:56Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:01:59It's in.
01:02:00Your man has arrived.
01:02:03Of course.
01:02:06He wants to talk to you.
01:02:24Hello, pussy.
01:02:25Everything all right, Del?
01:02:27Yeah.
01:02:28Couldn't be bad.
01:02:29He's my cousin there.
01:02:31He's Abdul's cousin there.
01:02:33Yeah.
01:02:33He's checking the merchandise now.
01:02:35These are blue-white stones.
01:02:37Purity absolutely clean.
01:02:39Cut by experts.
01:02:40They are of the finest quality.
01:02:43He says they're paka.
01:02:45That's not too good.
01:02:48Okay, Del.
01:02:49I'm now going to give you the combination to the briefcase.
01:02:57It's 714...
01:02:59714...
01:03:03939...
01:03:07939...
01:03:08939...
01:03:10939...
01:03:10939...
01:03:13939...
01:03:13939...
01:03:14939...
01:03:14939...
01:03:17939...
01:03:19939...
01:03:20939...
01:03:20939...
01:03:24939...
01:03:25939...
01:03:27939...
01:03:29939...
01:03:30939...
01:03:46Good. I believe these are yours, Mr. Trotter. Thank you very much. Boise, we got a deal.
01:03:57Good. No problems? No, it's everything when it's sweet as a nut. I'll see you soon.
01:04:04Yeah, don't forget now, will you? I'll give you a bell.
01:04:10Will you be needing me any longer? No, no, on your way, pal.
01:04:14The exchange is completed.
01:04:19Thank you. It's nice to do business with you as well.
01:04:24Well, must fly.
01:04:26See you soon, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:04:28Good day, Mr. Trotter. Good luck.
01:04:34Hey, Axe.
01:04:44The courier has just left.
01:04:46He shall be with you soon.
01:04:49Trotter.
01:04:51Derek Trotter.
01:05:04All right, Del.
01:05:05Terrific.
01:05:06Well, gentlemen.
01:05:07Del.
01:05:09I...
01:05:14Let's go.
01:05:15Let's go.
01:05:15Let's go.
01:05:31Let's go.
01:05:52Let's go.
01:05:53Come on, come on, come on!
01:05:56Come on, come on!
01:05:57You two go on, go on!
01:06:00I'll be all right!
01:06:01Yeah, all right, come down!
01:06:04He can't leave!
01:06:05Oh, I know, he's got nothing incriminating on him!
01:06:08I know, come on!
01:06:09You can't leave the poor old sod to face the music, can you?
01:06:12Come down!
01:06:13All right, all right, look, look!
01:06:14Hands up, no rough stuff, eh?
01:06:25You dozy little twonk, Rodney!
01:06:28What did you shout run for?
01:06:30Huh? It wasn't me, it was him!
01:06:33Do, do I shout him run!
01:06:35No, I didn't, it was nothing to do with me!
01:06:39Come out of the building, then I'll do an order for you!
01:06:41Come out of the building, then I'll do an order for you!
01:06:53Who called, sir?
01:06:57We've got our man, Hoskins!
01:07:03Del?
01:07:04But how did you find out, sir?
01:07:06I've got a funny feeling in my water.
01:07:08Remember what happened last time I had that funny feeling?
01:07:10Oh, you mean the antibiotics?
01:07:11No, I don't mean that.
01:07:13I'm talking about the time I nicked that little Packy Gang
01:07:15for bringing in cocaine mixed with curry powder.
01:07:17Oh, yeah!
01:07:18That was a good hunch of yours, sir!
01:07:20Look at this.
01:07:22I've got Davies and Skinner covering Luton Airport,
01:07:25there's a ten-man team at Heathrow,
01:07:26you and me are at Gatwick.
01:07:28Right, Hoskins.
01:07:29I'm going to teach you the basic rules of airport surveillance.
01:07:34Remember patience, Hoskins.
01:07:35Be prepared for a long, long wait.
01:07:40Also, suspect everyone.
01:07:43But what's the most important thing we have to do, Hoskins?
01:07:47I don't know, sir.
01:07:53Oh, yeah.
01:07:54Where's Sobreros?
01:07:57What do I look like?
01:08:00Well...
01:08:00Carry on, sir.
01:08:02I look like an ordinary holiday maker, don't I?
01:08:04Oh, I see.
01:08:05Blend into the surroundings.
01:08:07The first rule of surveillance is
01:08:10don't look conspicuous.
01:08:14I'll have to get you something, Hoskins.
01:08:16You look a right tit.
01:08:20How can we be lost again?
01:08:23I thought you'd know the way by now.
01:08:26So did I.
01:08:27It all looks the same to me.
01:08:30I feel sick.
01:08:31Oh, shut up, Rodney.
01:08:33Look, why can't we just go back the way we came?
01:08:36That's what I've been trying to do.
01:08:39The door is a ship.
01:08:42Oh, well, that's a turn up for the book, isn't it, eh?
01:08:45This is the last place you'd expect to find a ship.
01:08:48Oh, it's the Norland.
01:08:50It's the Norland!
01:08:52So what?
01:08:54The Norland?
01:08:55We saw that back in Port just before we left England.
01:08:58No, that is the Zebrook at the Hull Ferry.
01:09:02All right, so it's the Zebrook at the Hull.
01:09:04The Zebrook!
01:09:07Good boy, Rodney.
01:09:08Well spotted.
01:09:09Helbert!
01:09:10Yeah?
01:09:11Follow the boat!
01:09:17Four o'clock.
01:09:18They're still not back.
01:09:20It's not four o'clock.
01:09:21It's half past twelve.
01:09:26Bloody watch.
01:09:27They're still a day late, Del.
01:09:29Something has gone wrong.
01:09:30Del phoned me this morning at half past seven.
01:09:33He's back in England.
01:09:34They even got through customs without a hitch.
01:09:36They probably got held up on the way up.
01:09:52Let Popeye out the back, will you, Rodney?
01:10:00Where the hell are you, but...
01:10:01All right, all right, all right.
01:10:04Had a little bit of trouble.
01:10:05You know, got lost in the middle of the North Sea.
01:10:09Then Rodney spotted the Zebrook at the Hull Ferry, so we followed it.
01:10:13And that's how you got to Hull?
01:10:14No, that is how we got to Zebrook.
01:10:17It was going the wrong bloody way.
01:10:19We had to wait for it to turn round, and then we followed it back.
01:10:22Okay, well, you're here now, anyway.
01:10:27Okay, you got the diamonds?
01:10:32Got the money?
01:10:39Here's your money.
01:10:40I'm going to put it on the table.
01:10:42Don't doubt it.
01:10:43On the table, on the table.
01:10:55Let's go.
01:11:00Buenos dias.
01:11:01Bloody hell.
01:11:02Slater!
01:11:18They're pretty, aren't they?
01:11:22Inspector Slater.
01:11:24Chief Inspector.
01:11:25My apologies.
01:11:27Chief Inspector.
01:11:29Couldn't we discuss this in a civilised and gentlemanly manner?
01:11:32What's to discuss?
01:11:33I've got you banged to rights.
01:11:39You smell like a mackerel trawler.
01:11:41So would you if you spent half the week in the middle of the North Sea?
01:11:45Oh, so you came in by sea, did you?
01:11:47I just spent 18 hours waiting at Gatwick Airport for you.
01:11:49Who is this little person?
01:11:51Don't tell me.
01:11:51You're a trotter, aren't you?
01:11:52I'm the boy's uncle.
01:11:54Yeah, you can see the family resemblance.
01:11:55It's those shifty little rodent dies and the furtive movement of the feet.
01:11:59Dead giveaway.
01:12:01This is a very sad day for me.
01:12:03My very last case, enough to nick two of my old school friends.
01:12:08Still, never mind, eh?
01:12:1130.
01:12:13Spot on.
01:12:17Roy!
01:12:20Give us a break, will ya?
01:12:22Wasn't us that smuggled our diamonds in.
01:12:27It was Del Boy.
01:12:29Yes, he's right, Chief Inspector.
01:12:31It was nothing to do with us.
01:12:32It was them three.
01:12:34No, no, no. It was just me, Slater.
01:12:37No, I was the brains behind it.
01:12:43All right, then.
01:12:46It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this.
01:12:51What am I to do?
01:12:57Away you go, Parker.
01:12:58Let's go.
01:13:00All right.
01:13:01I've reached the decision.
01:13:03There are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation.
01:13:08One, I'll take you all down the nick with the evidence and see you banged up for five years apiece.
01:13:12Or two, I'll walk out of here and pretend it never happened.
01:13:16Yeah, that sounds a good scheme, Roy.
01:13:18Let's pretend it never happened.
01:13:22Yes, yes, I will go along with that.
01:13:24What do you think, Del Boy?
01:13:26I think something smells very fishy around here.
01:13:29And it ain't just these clothes.
01:13:32How come you knew there was 30 diamonds in that bag?
01:13:34Yeah.
01:13:35And how come you knew he was involved right from the start?
01:13:38Just a minute.
01:13:40When we were in the CAF the other day, that Blake was telling us about
01:13:42that he couldn't nick for smuggling diamonds because of lack of evidence.
01:13:45What was his name?
01:13:46You mean Hendrick?
01:13:47Yeah.
01:13:48His surname wouldn't have been Van Cleef by any chance, would it?
01:13:52You found me out, you rascal.
01:13:55What?
01:13:56You and Van Cleef?
01:13:58That's right.
01:13:59He offered me a little business deal.
01:14:01He sets up a bunch of wallets who are greedy enough to smuggle diamonds into the country
01:14:05and I pick them up this side of the water.
01:14:07Not only do we get paid at both ends, you take all the risks.
01:14:11Brilliant, isn't it?
01:14:13It's the third time we've pulled it off.
01:14:15And there is nothing you can do about it.
01:14:18Unless, of course, you fancy a spell in the scrubs.
01:14:22Well, gentlemen, I think we've concluded our business, don't you?
01:14:28Aren't you going to wish me good luck for the future?
01:14:30No?
01:14:32Oh, well. Win some, lose some.
01:14:36Why don't we bump into each other one of these days, Slater?
01:14:39I don't think so, dull boy.
01:14:41I'm going a long way away from here.
01:14:45Cheer up, lads.
01:14:46Still got your freedom.
01:14:51You burk-addle!
01:14:53How was I to know Van Cleef was a crook?
01:14:55Bloody foreigner!
01:15:01Where are you going, dull?
01:15:04How am I going?
01:15:06I'm going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start.
01:15:10Going home.
01:15:11Look, don't get the ant with us. We ain't done nothing.
01:15:14You ain't done nothing?
01:15:16You sent me half way round the world.
01:15:18I've been to Amsterdam.
01:15:20I've been to Hallenbeck.
01:15:22For what?
01:15:24Slater's taken the diamonds, he's taken the money.
01:15:27On top of all that, my two mates have grassed me up.
01:15:30A bit more.
01:15:31It wasn't actually grassy, huh?
01:15:33No, no, no. It was...
01:15:34It was more of a diversity tactic.
01:15:37Yeah, to divert the blame from yourselves.
01:15:43Go on, Rodney.
01:15:45Albert.
01:15:47Let's go home.
01:16:01I can't understand, sir.
01:16:03Not a single clue to the diamonds' whereabouts.
01:16:06Not a thing. They were all as clean as whistles.
01:16:09This was the third time we followed the diamonds.
01:16:11And this is the third time we've drawn a blank.
01:16:14That's the way it goes in this game.
01:16:16Maybe I'm past it, Hoskins.
01:16:18My hunches don't seem to pay off anymore.
01:16:20Just as well I'm taking early retirement.
01:16:23Do you know what I think?
01:16:24No.
01:16:25To be honest, I'm not really interested.
01:16:27You're not paid to think, Hoskins.
01:16:28You're paid to do your job and drive me home.
01:16:31Yes, sir.
01:16:34Where are you going, Hoskins?
01:16:35Isn't the way to my house?
01:16:36No, I know he isn't, sir.
01:16:38What's all this?
01:16:42They've known about you for a long time.
01:16:45And they just couldn't catch you in possession.
01:16:48Till now, sir.
01:16:50You've set me up.
01:16:52You've set yourself up, sir.
01:16:54Look, Hoskins.
01:16:56Terence.
01:16:57Use your loaf.
01:16:59Help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man.
01:17:01Money from them other diamonds is in a bank account.
01:17:04I'll let you have it off.
01:17:06What do you think?
01:17:07You seem to forget, sir.
01:17:09I don't think.
01:17:11I only do my job.
01:17:40I think we should phone the police.
01:17:42Phone the police?
01:17:43Oh, yeah.
01:17:44And what are we going to tell them?
01:17:45A bent copper disguised as the Cisco kids stole our smuggled diamonds.
01:17:50Yeah, you have a point.
01:17:52Well, anyway, at least the only money we lost was counterfeit.
01:17:56Apart from the 15 grand slate are half inched.
01:18:00You mean that was real?
01:18:03I drew it out of the bank Friday.
01:18:06I didn't intend to pay Del Boy funny money.
01:18:09I ain't into plastic surgery.
01:18:13I am gutted.
01:18:16Gutted.
01:18:22Del.
01:18:23Hold on.
01:18:24Hold on a minute.
01:18:28Oi, listen you two.
01:18:31This hasn't turned out as bad as you think.
01:18:34It hasn't turned out as bad as we think.
01:18:36It's turned out bloody well, Rodney.
01:18:39Albert Porter drinks.
01:18:40What do you want, Rodney?
01:18:42Well, an explanation would be nice.
01:18:48Listen to me.
01:18:49You know that 50 grand that we took over to Amsterdam?
01:18:52Yeah?
01:18:52It was counterfeit.
01:18:54It was counterfeit?
01:18:56And you knew?
01:18:57Well, not till I opened a case in Van Cleve's office, I didn't.
01:19:01There's one thing I do know about, Rodney, and that is kosher reddies.
01:19:05Cheers.
01:19:06You didn't tell no one?
01:19:08Oh, yes.
01:19:09I said, excuse me, Mr Van Cleve, all that money, it's Mickey Mouse money.
01:19:12Of course I didn't.
01:19:13I just stood there and prayed.
01:19:14Of course, me old April was going like a moped.
01:19:16Fortunately, he gave the money to these two gorillas to check,
01:19:19and well, they were about as bright as an eclipse.
01:19:24So Boisey and Abdul sent us over there with fake money?
01:19:28Right.
01:19:29We're going to get even with them for that, aren't we?
01:19:30We already have, Rodney.
01:19:32Eh?
01:19:33Go on, Albert.
01:19:34Show him.
01:19:35Hold your hand out.
01:19:45They're real, wouldn't they?
01:19:47They're top of the range, my son.
01:19:48Blue-white, purity, absolutely clean.
01:19:51They are, as they say in France, Chassé de Formé.
01:19:56No, hold on.
01:19:58Slater picked up 30 diamonds.
01:20:00No, he didn't.
01:20:01He took 28 diamonds and two cat's eyes.
01:20:06Oh, Derek.
01:20:08Oh, who's a pretty boy, then?
01:20:12Worth about five grand each.
01:20:14Well, by the time we put them through the fence, we'll get, what, six grand for the pair.
01:20:19Six thousand pounds split three ways means that you two get one thousand pounds each in your skies.
01:20:25Yeah.
01:20:27Eh?
01:20:29Well, actually, we got slightly more than that, Derek.
01:20:31Hm? What do you mean?
01:20:32You know that 15 grand that went missing?
01:20:34It didn't go missing.
01:20:35That bark Slater picked it up, didn't he?
01:20:37Oh, Slater didn't pick it up.
01:20:39Hm?
01:20:40I did.
01:20:46You crafted it all sod, Rodney.
01:20:49Well, you know, it was just there, lying on the table.
01:20:52And in all that confusion, when we tried to escape, I could just hear it saying,
01:20:56Daddy, Daddy.
01:20:58So I picked it up.
01:21:01You know what we're going to do with this money, Rodney?
01:21:04Yes.
01:21:05We'll invest it.
01:21:06We'll make it work for us.
01:21:07This time, next year, I will be millionaires.
01:21:10Or shall we go to Benny, Tom?
01:21:12No.
01:21:13I'll show you what we're going to do with it.
01:21:29For a minute, I thought he threw that 15 grand out the window.
01:21:32Yeah.
01:21:34Don't be silly, hunk.
01:21:36I may need to do a silly thing like that.
01:21:44It was Boyce's money, weren't it?
01:21:46It was fake.
01:21:47Dud.
01:21:48It's a counterfeit.
01:21:50But...
01:21:51It looked genuine enough to me, because, you know, it had all the little watermarks in
01:21:55it and the little silver strips and everything.
01:21:57Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
01:21:59What do you think I am, eh?
01:22:01Some sort of Wally.
01:22:03B