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00:02They're all right, aren't they?
00:04They're half look-alike.
00:05They're identical twins.
00:07Yeah?
00:08Which one do you fancy?
00:10I'm easy.
00:13Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror?
00:17Nah, they're sisters or something.
00:18They've been here before.
00:20Go on then.
00:22What?
00:23Say something.
00:26What?
00:28I don't know, anything.
00:31Like what?
00:33Just say the first thing that comes into your head.
00:35Say something.
00:39All right, now if it's so easy, you say something.
00:42What?
00:44Anything. It's easy.
00:46All right, then I will.
00:49Well, go on then.
00:50I will.
00:54Oi!
00:57Here.
00:59Is that it?
01:01Yeah.
01:02Oi?
01:03Yeah.
01:05You're a right little John Travolton when you get going, isn't it?
01:08I looked, didn't I?
01:09Of course I looked.
01:10Someone just shouted oi at him.
01:12Hold up.
01:13You're looking over here.
01:15I don't know.
01:16Well, I think we've cracked it, Mickey, my son.
01:21What's it, Rodders?
01:22Right, Michael, my son?
01:24Who are you two after?
01:25Not the gruesome twosome, mate.
01:27Oh, all right.
01:28I mean, all right.
01:29They're so ugly, they even look alike.
01:32Bill, they happen to be two sisters.
01:34Oh, sisters.
01:36Yeah.
01:37Wait, girls.
01:38See much of Cinderella since the wedding?
01:41See Cinderella?
01:42Ugly sisters.
01:43That's a good, isn't it, Rodders?
01:45Anyway, look.
01:46I won't hang about because I don't want to spoil your chances.
01:49Hello, darling.
01:50You all right?
01:50Are you still working at Sainsbury's?
01:51See ya.
01:52Just a minute.
01:55I'll see you Tuesday, then.
01:57I'll see you Tuesday.
02:00I'll see you Tuesday.
02:01Bye, darling.
02:10I hate me.
02:12Love you.
02:15I didn't want to do it.
02:17You okay, love?
02:19Who is it?
02:20Shall I phone you a cab?
02:22Nah, there'll be a bus along in a minute, my lovely.
02:25No, no, they ain't got no buses going along here.
02:28No, no, they cut the route in about 1973 to get you a nice taxi, eh?
02:33No, no, I should be all right.
02:36Hey, careful.
02:37What are you doing?
02:39I was just steadying you, that's all.
02:41You touched me.
02:43Eh?
02:43I've read about your sort.
02:45Oh, yeah, I'm doing it.
02:46I was just trying to stop you from falling flat on your face.
02:48I'll have the police on you.
02:49You touched me.
02:51No, I didn't.
02:52Honest.
02:53Help!
02:53What are you doing?
02:54You didn't have a bunch of help.
02:56You touched me.
02:57No, no, it's all right, because, um, I'm a doctor.
03:03You're not a doctor.
03:05I am.
03:06I am, really.
03:08All right, say R.
03:10Help!
03:12Help!
03:13Howdy hell.
03:15Look, I'll tell you what, I'm just going back to the van, right, to get a thermometer, all right?
03:20Listen, listen.
03:22Help!
03:23Help!
03:23Ray!
03:24Ray!
03:25Help!
03:26Help!
03:31Now, boy, your breakfast's ready.
03:34Yeah, hang on a minute.
03:35Come on, Rodney.
03:37It's on the table.
03:39Nothing like a traditional British breakfast, is there?
03:42That's right.
03:44God.
03:47Why don't you try cooking one every now and then?
03:50Blimey.
03:51It's like a bad day at the Blue Cross.
03:54You seemed to all right last night.
03:56Hmm?
03:56Yeah, of course.
03:57Why?
03:58Well, when Rodney come in, he was behaving very strangely.
04:02He was all trembling and sweating.
04:05No, he's probably all right.
04:06Don't worry.
04:06It's just the start of the mating season.
04:09No, Del, something's up.
04:12Aren't you eating that?
04:13Hey, no, Grandad.
04:14See, I'm on diet.
04:17Whoops.
04:19Rodney!
04:20Your breakfast's ready.
04:26Ah, all right, Rodders?
04:28What do you mean, all right?
04:30No, no, just all right, Rodders.
04:32Yeah.
04:33I'm fine.
04:33Why shouldn't I be all right?
04:34No reason.
04:35I just said, like, all right, Rodders.
04:37Like I say, you know, all right every morning, aren't I?
04:39Yeah, sorry.
04:41All right.
04:44What did you do when you left the pub last night?
04:45What makes you think I did something?
04:46Gordon!
04:48Bennett!
04:49No, I mean, I just asked you, like, if you went on anywhere, if you met anyone or anything.
04:52No.
04:53No, I didn't.
04:54I'd come straight home.
04:55Didn't meet anyone.
04:56Didn't talk to anyone.
04:57It was a very uneventful journey.
04:59That's all right, as long as you enjoyed yourself.
05:01Come on, get that down.
05:01Come on, we've got to get away early.
05:03Got to pick up the van from the nag's head.
05:04Why?
05:05Eh, well, when we fell out of the pub last night, the whole area was teeming with the
05:09old bill.
05:10I mean, they were all there.
05:11There was the flying squad, like Alsatians, and the SGB.
05:16Anyway, I thought to myself, I thought, well, there's no way I'm driving home through that
05:19lot, not with me, like, being soppy as a sack.
05:20So, you know, I've got a cab.
05:23Did they have a clear description of him?
05:25Who?
05:25And they know we're after?
05:27Who said it was after a man?
05:29Well, I'll just assume they were looking for someone.
05:31See what I mean?
05:34Yeah.
05:36All right, Rodney.
05:37There's, you know, something bothering you, isn't there?
05:40No.
05:41Has somebody threatened you?
05:42If they have you, tell me their name, and I'll go and sort them out before we go to
05:45the market.
05:47It's nothing like that.
05:49You might as well tell us sooner as later, Rodney.
05:52It'll save a lot of time.
05:55Oh, it's probably nothing.
05:58My journey home last night weren't as uneventful as I made out.
06:02There was this woman.
06:06But she wasn't feeling very well, see?
06:08I don't know what was wrong with her, but she stunk her booze.
06:12So I stopped right to ask if she wanted any assistance, and she started acting all sort
06:17of odd.
06:19Odd?
06:19Yeah.
06:21Um, screaming.
06:25Shouting things.
06:26What kind of things?
06:28Oh, things like, um, rape.
06:32You know, that sort of thing.
06:36So, uh, to try and reassure her and calm her down, I told her I was a doctor.
06:42You told her you were a doctor?
06:44You didn't give her a prescription or nothing, did you?
06:46No, no, nothing like that.
06:48Why was she accusing you of these things?
06:51Well, um, I think, because at one point, right, she stumbled forward.
06:55So I put my hands out to stop, you know, I didn't touch her.
07:00Well, no, obviously I did touch her, but I didn't, you know, honest.
07:06All right, all right, wouldn't he?
07:08Okay, take it nice and easy, all right?
07:11Just, this is going to take a bit of working out.
07:15What did this woman look like?
07:17Uh, well, she was, uh, blonde, uh, 45, and her hair had black roots and, uh, purple fingernails, and she
07:25was really heavily made up.
07:28Did she call you my lovely?
07:30Yeah.
07:31Do you know her?
07:32No, no, no, no, you didn't catch her name.
07:35You didn't catch her name or nothing, did you?
07:37No.
07:38Oh, she was wearing an identity necklace, and that said something like,
07:43Blossom.
07:49Honestly, I did not touch her, I swear to God.
07:53You expect me to believe that?
07:58Yes.
07:59All right, let's go through the facts, shall we?
08:02After a night's drinking, on your way home, you meet a sick woman.
08:07Instead of phoning for an ambulance, like any right-minded citizen, you touch her.
08:12What do you think you've got, healing hands?
08:15I don't believe you're saying this to me.
08:18No, no, no, this is not me, Rodney.
08:20This is what the counsel for the prosecution will say during his cross-examination.
08:24You don't think it'll go to court?
08:25Oh, it's a pound to a penny, Rodney.
08:28I mean, the police don't let matters like this drop lightly.
08:31Well, old Bailey would be my bet.
08:35The case of the Peckham Pouncer.
08:38Who called me the Peckham Pouncer?
08:40The police did last night.
08:42You see, at the time, well, I didn't think nothing of it.
08:45Why don't you give yourself up, Rodney?
08:47What? I ain't giving myself up.
08:50Have you ever seen some of them detectives give someone a third degree on the telly?
08:54Well, one of them pretends he really wants to beat you up bad, right?
08:57And the other one pretends to be Mr. Nice.
08:59So it's, you know...
09:00Yeah, perhaps you're right.
09:01After all, you've got form, ain't you?
09:02I mean, you still ain't finished that two years suspended yet.
09:07Oh, I'd forgotten about that.
09:11It's the others what worry me.
09:13What others?
09:14Well, last night there were mobs of vigilantes roaming the streets
09:18and they were shouting things like,
09:20Lynch him, lynch him.
09:24At the time, I didn't think nothing much of it.
09:28Well, maybe it'd be better if I did give myself up then.
09:30Cos all I've got is circumstantial evidence.
09:33Circumstantial?
09:34A sick woman is attacked at night
09:36by a known criminal posing as a doctor?
09:41Do you know what they'd call me if I went in the nick?
09:44I'd be a beast.
09:48Beast?
09:49Well, that's what the other prisoners call people like me.
09:53Everywhere I went, the walls would be whispering,
09:55Beast.
09:57Beast.
09:59There'd be posses of them waiting for me in the shower room.
10:02There'd be razors in me soap.
10:04There'd be broken glass in me porridge.
10:06Oh, you'll soon learn to adapt, right?
10:11No, it's not fair, Bill.
10:13I swear to God, I didn't touch her.
10:15I was only trying to help.
10:16All right, Wendy, all right, now, come on.
10:18Take it easy, eh?
10:19Relax, all right?
10:20Now, listen, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
10:22I'm going to go out and put my ear to the ground,
10:23see what I can find out.
10:24In the meantime, I want you to go and get some kip.
10:26And above all,
10:28stop worrying.
10:31Yeah.
10:33I am innocent, Del.
10:34Honest.
10:35I believe you.
10:38So do I, Rodney.
10:51Do you reckon he'd done it, Del?
11:07Leave it out, Brendan.
11:09All he's done is just bumped into Blossom, that's all.
11:11I don't understand you.
11:13Well, she's well known for this sort of thing.
11:15She's as nutty as a fruitcake.
11:18She spends most of her time in the happy home.
11:20They only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice.
11:24Don't you think she's always accusing blokes of doing this sort of thing?
11:27Yes.
11:28It's her hobby.
11:30She's well known to the police.
11:32But why didn't you tell young Rodney?
11:34What, spoil all the fun?
11:37No way.
11:37I'm going to wind him right up with this one.
11:40By this time tomorrow evening,
11:41I'll have him believing that all the flats are under siege.
11:45You want to be a bit careful, Del boy.
11:47A joke's a joke, but you never know when to stop.
11:49What about that April Fool's Day?
11:51You told me the pools had rung to say I'd won half a million.
11:56Yeah, it was a belter.
11:59Oh, wonderful.
12:00Well, you could at least have stopped me going up west with me pension money.
12:06Oh, it wasn't funny, Del.
12:08I mean, there was I in a solo nightclub,
12:10drinking champagne with a bird called Camilla,
12:12and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools.
12:20Stop it!
12:21Stop it!
12:29You should have seen his little face.
12:31There was a picture.
12:32I wish that had a camera.
12:33How could he swallow that, eh?
12:35Well, you know, Rodney, don't you?
12:36He said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee.
12:38I said, you don't worry about that.
12:39You want to form an escape committee?
12:43I thought everyone round here knew what old Blossom was like.
12:47She accused my cousin once.
12:48Who's that, young Sydney?
12:50No, Marilyn.
12:51There again, Marilyn's always been a bit of a tomboy.
12:54Oh, yeah, it was a crew cut braces in a pipe last time I saw her.
12:58She's still up at Greenham Common.
13:00Here, are you playing trick or what?
13:01No.
13:03Of course, this Blossom person is completely loopy, you know.
13:06Oh, yes.
13:07I don't think they should be allowed out.
13:09Oh, yeah, why then?
13:09Well, it might be a danger to the public.
13:12Still selling them second-hand cards, Boise?
13:15Oh, yeah.
13:16I knocked out a couple...
13:21Of course, I have heard
13:23that she receives electrode treatment, you know.
13:26Oh, yes.
13:27Every three months will say they take her away
13:28and plug her head into the national grid.
13:31The lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford.
13:35Yeah, but they reckon she's as sane as anyone when they've finished.
13:38Yeah, till she gets her electric bill.
13:43Oh, excuse me, chaps.
13:45Won't be a moment.
13:46Oh, Karen, can we have three large scotches?
13:48Boise is paying.
13:49Cheers.
13:50Hello.
13:51Oh, hello, Grandad.
13:54You what?
13:54What about Rodney?
13:57What do you mean he's gone on the run?
14:01Why?
14:02Oh, leave it off, Grandad.
14:04It was just a joke.
14:07Yeah, all right.
14:07All right, now, don't...
14:08Don't panic.
14:10He'll be home when he's hungry
14:11and he wants something to eat.
14:16Oh, has he?
14:18All right.
14:19All right, Grandad.
14:20Don't worry.
14:20I'll tell you what I'll do.
14:21I'll go and have a look round for him
14:22and I'll be home in about an hour.
14:24Yeah, all right.
14:25Bye.
14:28What's up, Dale?
14:31It's that dipstick, Rodney.
14:33He's only gone on the run, hasn't he?
14:35I reckon he's found a secret hiding place.
14:38Where?
14:39Well, I had a wine open.
14:40I don't know what it was.
14:41It wouldn't be secret, would it, eh?
14:44Oh, mate, there must be a clue.
14:46Yeah, well, he left a note saying
14:47it's no good trying to find him
14:48because he'd be in the last place
14:49anyone would think of looking for him.
14:50Have you tried under his bed?
14:53He'll be home as soon as he gets hungry.
14:55No, he won't.
14:56Grandad reckons he's taken all the tin food
14:58from the cupboard.
14:59So what are you going to do then, Dale?
15:00I don't know.
15:01I'm sure if I just don't know.
15:03I ain't got nothing in the freezer, then.
15:17Any luck, Dale?
15:19No.
15:20No sign of him, Grandad.
15:22Where did you look?
15:24Oh, I've been everywhere.
15:26I've been traipsing around Charing Cross,
15:28Oles, the Square.
15:30Oh, you want to see what it's like
15:32up there in the early hours, Grandad?
15:33It's like the end of the world.
15:35It's full of drug addicts,
15:36glue sniffers, winos.
15:39Do you know what?
15:40If a nightingale sang there in Barclays Square,
15:43someone would eat it.
15:45Bad night, eh, Dale?
15:47Yeah, very bad.
15:48Do you know I've been offered everything
15:49from 50 quid for me passport
15:51to a plate of magic mushrooms.
15:54You're cooking something?
15:55No.
15:56What's that horrible smell, then?
15:58Sweet and sickly.
15:59Oh, perhaps it's this aftershave I've got on.
16:03Gordon Bennett.
16:05Where'd you get that from?
16:06Out of your room.
16:08Well, that can't be it, then, can it?
16:11Oh, I know the smell you're talking about.
16:13He was here last night.
16:15Everyone in the flats was moaning about it.
16:18Here, why don't you get some sleep, Del boy?
16:22It'll be all right, Grandad.
16:23I'll have a cup of tea.
16:24I'll have another punt round for him.
16:26Where can he be?
16:28Well, I don't know.
16:29From him here somewhere,
16:29he said he's in the last place
16:31you'll ever think of looking.
16:32Oh, and I remember.
16:34You have looked under his bed, haven't you?
16:36First place I checked.
16:37Yeah.
16:39Well, he's hardly like to be in that bloody drawer, is he?
16:42I'm holding for the no.
16:43Now, don't you get funny with me, Del.
16:45This is your fault,
16:46you and your silly jokes.
16:47I know.
16:48I was going to tell him this morning.
16:49Well, you could have told him yesterday.
16:51Instead of that,
16:51you're sat there playing your Johnny Cash live
16:53at San Quentin LP.
16:56All right, don't go on to me.
16:57Don't go on.
16:58I feel bad enough as it is.
17:00But what is that smell?
17:03I've smelled it before somewhere.
17:04I know, so did I.
17:06When?
17:06I told you last night.
17:08No, no, no, I know.
17:08Before that.
17:11It seems to be coming from the ventilating system.
17:18Grandad,
17:19go and get them chicken legs out the fridge.
17:22I think I know where Rodney's hiding.
17:35Rodney?
17:38Rodney, it's still, boy.
17:41Rodney, I know you're in here.
17:45Rodney, don't be a plonker all your life.
17:50Listen,
17:52I can explain everything.
17:53There's nothing to be frightened of.
17:56We've got some scotch here.
17:58Something to eat.
18:04Yeah.
18:10Or if you prefer,
18:11I could get you a saucer of milk.
18:16Come on,
18:16at least we can talk about it,
18:17can't we?
18:19Hey, how are we?
18:20Hey, you're in it with me.
18:23Nice, that cat again.
18:39You had me going there for a minute.
18:41Don't you know what I mean?
18:43How did you know I was here?
18:46I know a lot of things with me.
18:49Like I know you've been smoking
18:50your funny fags again.
18:52No, I ain't.
18:53No, honest.
18:54I ain't.
18:57Well, couple.
18:59That's it.
19:00Well, that was the giveaway, you see.
19:01The smell from your exotic tobacco
19:03has been wafting down the air ducts.
19:07It's not a man, woman or child.
19:09It isn't I as a kite.
19:12You're kidding.
19:14No, I'm not.
19:15If you stand outside this tower block,
19:17all you can hear is giggling.
19:21Granddad's calling everybody man.
19:25He's thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks.
19:30Is Granddad okay?
19:31Yeah, he's all right.
19:33She's worried about you, though.
19:36What are you doing up here?
19:38Nothing much.
19:40Not a lot to do in a tank room, dear.
19:42I mean, you can look at a view,
19:43but that gets a bit boring
19:44after eight hours or so.
19:46I wasn't asking about your activities.
19:48I was speaking meteorically.
19:58What are you playing at?
20:00Playing at?
20:02Well, Dale, this is a little game
20:03called not going to prison.
20:06The rules are ever so easy, you know.
20:07All you've got to do is find yourself
20:09a place to hide
20:09and stay there till you die.
20:13Don't reckon it'll catch on, Rodney.
20:15Could be right, Newtale.
20:17But I'll tell you something.
20:18If necessary,
20:19I will shoot my way out of this room.
20:22Oh, so while you've been up here,
20:23you've been making a gun, have you?
20:26Well, I'll throw tins at him then.
20:29Yeah, well, you could get an empty can,
20:30couldn't you?
20:31You know, and you could, like,
20:32splash him to death.
20:35I ain't had nothing to eat
20:36since I've been up here.
20:39What's that?
20:40You've been too frightened?
20:41No, I forgot the tin-eye, Mum.
20:46Well, why didn't you pop down for it?
20:49Dale, desperate men on the run
20:51don't pop home to borrow a tin-eye.
20:54Anyway, going without food ain't so bad.
20:57People like us get used to it.
20:59Oh, come on.
21:00Don't keep me all that James Cagney stuff.
21:02Look at me, Mum!
21:04I'm on the top of the world, Mum!
21:05Look, I'm in the tank room, Mum!
21:07Why don't you shut up?
21:11You hungry?
21:12Yeah.
21:14Yeah.
21:16Get that down, Nick.
21:18Cheers, Joe.
21:20Great.
21:24Hey, have the police been round
21:25to question you and Grandad yet?
21:27Uh, no.
21:29Good.
21:30Good.
21:30That means I ain't on my trail, yeah?
21:32Gives me a bit of time.
21:34Yeah.
21:35Ronnie, I've got to explain something.
21:37Like, well, this is sort of like
21:39confession time.
21:41You know that woman you met, Blossom?
21:43Yeah.
21:46Well, she's mad, Ronnie.
21:50Not good, yeah.
21:52Well, she's mad.
21:53You know, she's well known to the old bill.
21:56They don't take no notice of her.
22:00No, you're lying to me.
22:01No, no, I'm not.
22:02No, I'm not.
22:02Look, cross me heart.
22:04I swear to die.
22:05You remember old man Corby?
22:06Well, a couple of weeks ago,
22:07she accused him of assaulting her.
22:09Well, I mean, he was so surprised,
22:10he nearly fell off his wheelchair.
22:14All right, then.
22:15All right, then, you explain this to me.
22:16What were all them police doing
22:17outside the pub that night?
22:19Oh, well, that was the...
22:20That was the mods and the skinheads.
22:21They were at it in the kebab house.
22:23Terrible scene, it's all I could hear.
22:24I mean, there was, you know,
22:25chairs going through the windows.
22:27There was chilli sauce up the walls.
22:28There was someone who knocked over a frying pan
22:31and a staff restroom went up in flames.
22:35No, I don't believe you, Bill.
22:36You're just trying to get me to come quietly.
22:38No, I'm not.
22:39Look, go on, then.
22:40Go on, look out.
22:41Look out there, look.
22:41Go on.
22:42Now.
22:44You see the kebab house?
22:46No.
22:47Exactly, that ain't there no more.
22:49What further proof do you need?
22:52No, Bill, I don't understand this.
22:54You mean, there's been no photo-fit pictures?
22:57No house-to-house searches?
22:58No public outcry?
23:01No.
23:01None at all.
23:03Here, look.
23:04Do you want some water with your scotch?
23:07No.
23:08No, I don't.
23:11Then why did you tell me I'd go away for ten years
23:14as a special category prisoner?
23:16But they'd nicknamed me the Peck and Pouncer.
23:19But there were gangs of men roaming the streets
23:21looking to hang me from the nearest lamppost.
23:25For love?
23:30Oh, darling.
23:33Just a bit of a wind-up, that's all.
23:37Bill, I haven't slept.
23:39I'm starving hungry
23:40and I've been freezing my boots off
23:43in this category
23:43because of your bloody wind-up!
23:47You take things too seriously, that's what I'm talking about.
23:51I'm going to kill you.
23:52No, no, don't be silly.
23:54No, really, I mean it.
23:54I'm going to kill you right now.
23:55Now, just a minute, now, just a minute.
23:57All right, now.
23:59I realise I took the joke too far
24:01and I should have told you earlier.
24:04Um, I'm sorry, Rodney.
24:07I really am.
24:10I'm still going to kill you.
24:13Look, I've been all over London looking for you.
24:16I've been in more doss houses than the tramp's best.
24:20I thought you were going so late that night, eh?
24:23I saw you drive off.
24:25You saw me?
24:25Why don't you say something?
24:27Yeah, well, I'm a desperate man on the run.
24:29I can hardly lean out and go,
24:30Ooh, Dale!
24:32Well, I suppose you can't.
24:39Listen, Rodney, I feel really sorry
24:42for all the aggro that I've caused, John.
24:45I'd like to try and make it up to you.
24:46Let's say what, I'll take you out
24:48and I'll buy a big slap-up meal, eh?
24:52Yeah?
24:53Yeah.
24:54Yeah, a bit of wine and all the works.
24:58Look at these clothes.
25:01It's all right.
25:02Can't buy a new suit.
25:04Yeah?
25:04Yeah.
25:06Yeah, but then I'd look silly, you know,
25:08a brand-new suit and these dirty old plimsolls.
25:12Don't you bloody cum it, Rodney!
25:16Come on, come here.
25:19Come on, I'll buy you a new pair of Rhythm and Blues as well.
25:22Eh, is it?
25:25Yeah, all right.
25:27That's a good boy.
25:29Good boy.
25:30You know it makes sense, doesn't it?
25:33All in the past, eh?
25:34Yeah, come on.
25:35All in the past.
25:36Cheers.
25:42Look at the state of me.
25:45Don't worry.
25:46You'll have a nice hot shower when you get down the flat.
25:48Oh, I don't fancy standing under that water, Dill.
25:51Not after what I've been doing, innit?
25:53No, no.
25:55No, no.
25:56No, no.
25:56I don't seem to be on.
25:57No, no.
25:57No no.