- 11 hours ago
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00:00Look at the quality. I mean, that quality, that is the Titmuss test, isn't it, eh, the quality?
00:06Now, these are handmade from Indonesian steel.
00:09They've got an ivory effect handle, and they come in, look at that,
00:13a genuine synthetic leather look-alike case.
00:16Right now, these canteens at country are a very exclusive line.
00:20You can only buy these in Harrods, Lippides and Patels Multimart.
00:25Right now, take a look at that label. Just take a look what can't speak, can't lie.
00:28All right, darling, put your binoculars away, because I can tell you exactly what it says.
00:32A manufacturer's recommended retail price, £42.99.
00:36Now, I'm not going to...
00:37You could have printed them yourself.
00:38Do what?
00:39I said you could have printed them yourself.
00:41Do me a favour, pal. Do I look like Rupert Maxwell?
00:43No, darling, I don't want to say that.
00:45Now, listen, before I tell you how much I want for this wonderful cantina cutlery,
00:49I want anyone of a nervous disposition, anyone with a weak heart, to move along, please,
00:53because I do not want to be held responsible, as I'm only insured for third-party fire and pecs.
00:57Right, now, here we go. Listen to me.
01:00Here we go.
01:00A 36-piece canteen sour cutlery, made in Indonesia, handmade, genuine synthetic leather capes.
01:06Manufacturer's recommended retail price, £42.99.
01:09Yours for, first come, first served, £3.50.
01:14What do you mean?
01:16Now, listen, come on, you'll not get another bargain like this again.
01:19We don't get any guarantees with them.
01:21Yes, you do, you do get a guarantee.
01:23Go away and annoy someone else for a month or two, will you?
01:27Hello.
01:29Hi.
01:30Is this your first day in the market?
01:31Mm, first day.
01:33Thought I hadn't seen you here before.
01:37Is it all your own work?
01:39Mm, I'm afraid so.
01:40Oh, nice. It's really good, you know.
01:42Do you really think so?
01:44That's awfully sweet of you.
01:46I'm an artist.
01:47I went away to college for a while.
01:49Really?
01:50I was at the Milan School of Art for two years, then I had a spell at the Sorbonne.
01:53Where were you?
01:55Basingstoke.
01:57Basingstoke?
01:59I don't think I've heard of it.
02:01It's a big town in Hampshire.
02:03Oh, no, I meant that I hadn't heard of the Basingstoke College of Art.
02:06Ah.
02:06Ah, it's quite famous.
02:08Well, in Basingstoke.
02:11Oh, by the way, my name is Rodney.
02:13Victoria.
02:14Victoria.
02:15Well, Vicky.
02:16Right, come on then, ladies.
02:17Come on now, make your neighbours just.
02:18Oh.
02:18Only the finest steel goes into making this premier cutlery, producing the sharpest cutting
02:24edge you've ever experienced.
02:25Yeah, but how do we know that?
02:28Well, run your wrist gently down the blade and you'll find out.
02:32All right, old boy.
02:33Hey.
02:34All right.
02:35All right, Trick.
02:36I'd rather have shingles than these knives and forks.
02:38At least you can get rid of shingles.
02:40Have these with you, Trick.
02:41None at worst.
02:43Have you?
02:43Yeah, I have it.
02:44All right, listen to me.
02:45I'll let you have them at cost, all right?
02:47Now, that's three quid a box.
02:48Now, come on, you know it makes sense.
02:50Three quid?
02:51Here, I'll have one of them, Del.
02:58What do you mean, you'll have one of them?
03:01Three pounds, they're a bargain.
03:03Trigger.
03:04Those are the ones that you sold me last week for a knicker each.
03:09No, they ain't the same.
03:11Mine didn't have them all.
03:15All right, come on.
03:16All right, come on.
03:16Listen.
03:17Now, listen.
03:17I've got to get rid of this stuff.
03:18Now, because I...
03:21All right.
03:22Quick.
03:22Away you go.
03:22Everyone.
03:23Everyone.
03:23Go on, before you get your collars felt.
03:24Go on.
03:24Away you go.
03:30Look at that stupid little dipstick.
03:38Quick.
03:39Quick.
03:40Quick.
03:41Quick.
03:41Listen.
03:41Just do exactly as I say.
03:44You are looking for the Hilton Hotel?
03:48Si.
03:49Hilton Hotel.
03:51Turn left at the top of the road.
03:54Si.
03:55And you'll see a bus stop.
03:58Si.
03:58Take the 159 to Park Lane.
04:03And that is where the Hilton Hotel is.
04:09Oh, si.
04:10Thank you, Jean.
04:11Bonsoir.
04:17Don't get many tourists round this way.
04:20Hey, officer.
04:21No.
04:23Especially tourists that speak three different languages.
04:25All at once.
04:29How much is that one?
04:30That's 50 pounds.
04:32Oh.
04:33And what about the one next to it?
04:35That's 85.
04:37Oh.
04:39Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice, Vicky?
04:42See, people round here don't pay 85 pounds for a painting.
04:45People round here don't pay 85 pounds for a car.
04:48Literally everybody has paintings in their homes.
04:51Yeah, but they don't get them from galleries and what have you.
04:53They get them from British home stores and prize bingo.
04:56You know, I don't need to keep the wrong market here.
04:59I might go down and have a crack at Portobello Road.
05:01You might be in with a shout then.
05:03Hmm.
05:03Perhaps you're right.
05:05Oh well.
05:06Nothing ventured.
05:09Would you be in absolute love and help me take this stuff back to my car?
05:13Oh.
05:14Well, I'd like to, but I'm a bit busy with my...
05:17Ah.
05:19You must have sold in early and gone for something to eat, eh?
05:22Well, in that case, I'm at your service, miss.
05:24Oh, that's awfully sweet of you.
05:27I'm sorry, I didn't...
05:28Oh, Rodney.
05:29What's your dive?
05:33My name is Rodney.
05:34He's just very fake.
05:36I see.
05:37What line of business are you in, Rodney?
05:39I'm a partner in a partnership.
05:42Me and my brother, we buy and sell this and that.
05:45I envy you.
05:46It must be wonderful to work in the market every day.
05:49I find it very stimulating.
05:50It's all the hustle and bustle and all the lovely, lovely characters I see.
05:55Of course, I know that they're not all lovely.
05:58Did you spot that noisy little person selling the tatty cutlery?
06:02Yeah.
06:03That's my brother.
06:04Hey, look, I'm frankly sorry.
06:06Look, I mean, when I said that he's noisy...
06:08No, no, no, you're right.
06:09He is noisy.
06:10He's always been noisy.
06:12But he's as good as gold, really, you know.
06:13I sort of look after him.
06:16I see.
06:17I haven't got any brothers or sisters.
06:19No?
06:20Do you want him?
06:20Uh, no, thank you.
06:23Well, here's the old crate.
06:25Oh.
06:26Nice car.
06:28Yes, I've got it for a birthday yesterday.
06:30Yeah?
06:30Uh-oh.
06:31I've got a Nick Kershaw LP.
06:40Right.
06:41Well, I'm off for something to eat.
06:42I'll see you around here, Vicky.
06:44Where do you lunch?
06:45Lunch?
06:46Oh, I usually go down to Fatty Thumb.
06:48The Fatty Thumb?
06:49Well, yeah.
06:50It's Sid's calf, really.
06:51But we call it the Fatty Thumb just out of affection.
06:54May I join you?
06:55You?
06:56At the Fatty Thumb?
06:58I don't think you'd like it, Victoria.
07:00Yeah, it's all steam and bacteria.
07:02It's horrible, really.
07:03Do you know, Rodney, I get the feeling that you're an inverted snob.
07:07Come on.
07:08Jump in and I'll show you down there.
07:12You won't like it, Victoria.
07:15I don't like it and I'm a regular.
07:18I'm chips, fried chips and peas.
07:20There's bubble peas, of course, Sid.
07:21Oh, there you go, Rodney.
07:23Don't get your tea, sir.
07:25Two friggin' toast, bacon and egg and a slice.
07:29Two eggs, toast and chips.
07:31Sorry.
07:32Two teas, fried egg and toast.
07:34Well, here we go then, Vicky.
07:37Hey.
07:38I think it's absolutely lovely in here.
07:41Oh, yes.
07:43It'd be good, didn't it?
07:44Oi, you think this machine's broke again, Sid?
07:46If you wouldn't keep tilting the sodding thing, it wouldn't break, would it?
07:50So you're not from round Peckhamite, then?
07:52No.
07:53I was born and raised up in Berkshire.
07:56I've been in London for about three months now.
08:00Have you always lived around here?
08:01Yeah, always.
08:02I've been wanting to go to London for ages.
08:05But Berkshire's so boring.
08:08Boring Berkshire, I call it.
08:11I wanted to be near the art galleries.
08:13I suppose you're always in them.
08:15Well, not always, no.
08:18I did actually go up to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back,
08:21but I suddenly realised, and I am ashamed to admit it,
08:24that in all the years it's been housed here,
08:26I've never actually seen a Da Vinci cartoon.
08:29Well, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I haven't seen it either.
08:33What did you think of it?
08:35Well, they were sharp.
08:37But, you know, I'm going back.
08:39Why don't we go together?
08:41Oh, yeah.
08:42Christy.
08:43Christy?
08:44Yeah, it means, um, you know, wonderful, terrific.
08:47Oh, frightfully, Albert Square.
08:50So, shall we say tomorrow at noon?
08:52No.
08:53I don't know if I'll ever get time off work.
08:55But I thought you said you were a partner.
08:59Oh, yeah, well, yeah.
09:00Yeah, I'm a partner, yeah.
09:01But, um...
09:03Yeah, all right, then.
09:04Oh, no, I'll give myself the day off, eh?
09:07Right, tomorrow at noon, then.
09:09Christy.
09:12Do you mind the opera, Rodney?
09:15Of course you do, I can tell.
09:17Yeah.
09:18There's a gala performance of Carmen on the Theatre Royal Drury Lane next week.
09:22I've tried everywhere to get tickets, but it's absolutely impossible.
09:26Impossible, yeah, I know, I've tried not.
09:32I've tried not to be saying this, but, uh, I didn't really think that, you know, Peckham would be your
09:37saying.
09:38Oh, no, I absolutely adore this area.
09:41It's so rough and raw and vibrant.
09:45I saw a woman spit yesterday.
09:49You see, I was brought up in this tiny community in the wilds of boring Berkshire.
09:55My world was one of nannies and live-in tutors and incarners and village fates.
10:01I didn't even realise there was a real world until I decided to make art my life.
10:06Egg and chips!
10:07My mother was a painter.
10:09She had some work exhibited at the Royal Academy.
10:11Egg sausage and chips! Egg sausage and beans and chips!
10:14Oh, my God!
10:16The Royal Academy!
10:18Oh, does she still paint?
10:20No.
10:22What's she talking about?
10:23You see, she died when I was twelve.
10:27Skiing accident in Austria.
10:29Oh, look, I'm really sorry, Vicky.
10:32I know how much that must have hurt you.
10:34I don't think so, Rodney.
10:35Oh, yeah, I do.
10:36See, same thing happened to me when I was only five.
10:39Fine chips! Fine chips and beans!
10:40Oh, Rodney, how absolutely awful for you.
10:45Where was your mother skiing?
10:48No, I won't ski you.
10:50According to what the rest of the family tell me, Mum didn't do a lot of skiing.
10:54That, she just did something wrong with herself.
10:56Oh, I see. Sorry.
11:00Oh, Lord, look at the time. I must dash, otherwise they start worrying.
11:03I do.
11:03Special branch.
11:08Special branch?
11:09Yes, it's all incredibly tedious.
11:11They have to protect us.
11:14Well, Daddy mainly.
11:15What is he, a super branch?
11:17No, he's silly.
11:19He's...
11:19Oh, it's terribly boring.
11:22He's the Duke of Mailbury.
11:26Joker's Mailbury.
11:27Joker's Mailbury.
11:28Joker's Mailbury.
11:28Yes, I said it was terribly boring.
11:30Look, I must dash.
11:32See you tomorrow at the National.
11:35Yeah.
11:37Cushti. Ciao.
11:46Mailbury.
11:48Ma...
11:49Mailbury!
11:59I don't know why you couldn't have left it till tomorrow.
12:02Oh, bleep it out, will you Albert? You've done more whining than a bleeding spin dryer.
12:07What in his back, dear boy? Someone must have paid the ransom.
12:12Hm.
12:13And where have you been?
12:14I went down the library.
12:16What for?
12:17Well, see, if my shoes was done, what do you think I went down the library for?
12:20I went to get a book, didn't I?
12:23I...
12:23Berks.
12:24Teach yourself, book is it?
12:26It is a genealogical and heraldic history of British peers.
12:30I'll tell you this much, Rodney.
12:31You ain't gonna get no wages at the end of the week.
12:33Oi. Oi, come on, Del.
12:35That bird I was talking to in the market, I said I'd take her out tomorrow and I'm potless, ain't
12:39I?
12:39Yeah, well, that's your problem, innit?
12:41Oh, well, thanks a bunch.
12:43Oh, that's gonna be right embarrassing, innit?
12:44Especially with her coming from a money background.
12:46Yeah, I know, it's a tough old work.
12:48What do you mean, money background?
12:50Their old man's very wealthy.
12:52Is he?
12:52Well, what's his game?
12:53I've got to tell someone, Del.
12:55You've got to promise me it's to go none further.
12:57Yeah, no, no, no, no.
12:58Of course not, just between us two.
13:00Have you ever heard of the Duke of Mailbury?
13:04The Duke of...
13:06Oh, leave it out, you twonk.
13:07It is God's honest truth, Del.
13:09No!
13:10Del, I cross my heart and hope to die in a cellar full of rats.
13:14What do you mean, that little girl?
13:15Like her daddy?
13:17Honest.
13:17It's for real.
13:19Bloody hell.
13:20But it's got to be our little secret, though.
13:21Well, yeah, of course it is.
13:23Did you hear that, Albert?
13:24You know that little sort that Rodney's been chatting up down the market?
13:27What about her?
13:28Her father only owns a pub.
13:31And you're pulling my leg.
13:33No, no, it's straight up.
13:34It's the Duke of Mailbury, innit?
13:35It's over Nunheadway, innit, wouldn't it?
13:36No, no, listen.
13:37He don't own the Duke of Mailbury.
13:39He is the Duke of Mailbury.
13:41He's an ability, innit?
13:43You know, he's a peer of the realm.
13:44Oh, leave it out, Rodders.
13:46Look, I've seen a picture of the real Duke of Mailbury in the sporting life.
13:49He owns that horse.
13:50Handsome Samson.
13:51Second favourite for the Derby next year.
13:53And that little girl, she don't look nothing like him.
13:55She looks like the horse, maybe.
13:58She's no more an ability than you are.
13:59No.
14:00Have a look at that, then.
14:02What?
14:04Blimey, I don't believe it.
14:05It's her.
14:06That's the girl from the market.
14:08Which one?
14:09Which one?
14:09Look, the one without the top hat on.
14:11She's standing there next to Princess Anne at a rodeo or something.
14:15In here and all, right?
14:16Her father, right, is a sort of second cousin to the Queen.
14:20Vicky's in here and all.
14:22Here you are.
14:22Her proper title is Lady Victoria Marsham Hales.
14:27Only child of Sir Henry Marsham.
14:30KBE, MVO, MC and Bar.
14:33Fourteenth Duke of Mailbury.
14:36Family home, er, Covington House, Upper Stansmere, Berkshire.
14:43You ain't had a go at her, have you?
14:45No, I ain't.
14:46Well, you keep your mucky mitts off her.
14:48Otherwise, we'll have her mother round here throwing royal prerogatives all over the shop.
14:51I doubt it.
14:52My mum died in a skiing accident about nine years ago.
14:55All right, then.
14:56Answer me this.
14:57If she is a titled lady, what's she going out with him for?
15:00He is giving me the right hand, Al.
15:02It's all right.
15:02No, listen, Albert.
15:04No, Rodney's got some very nice qualities.
15:06I mean, she may have been smitten by his rakish charms or his boyish good looks.
15:11On the other hand, she could be a posh tart fancying a bit of scrag.
15:15I never can tell her.
15:19Now, wait a minute, though.
15:20Wait a minute.
15:21Wait a minute.
15:22I got it now.
15:24Got it.
15:25Listen, it's a well-known fact, you know, that every three or four hundred years,
15:29the old aristocracy, they've got to bring in a bit of the old, you know, common stock
15:32to water the old blue blood down a bit.
15:35What?
15:35And they can't do better than that.
15:37I'm cracking the only head in a minute.
15:39No, no, no.
15:40Listen, listen to me.
15:41I don't care what you say.
15:41I bet you any money you like that her old man has told her to find herself an husband.
15:45And Rodney's in the frame.
15:48Rodney, ask her to marry you.
15:51I don't want to get married.
15:53Just think about it for a minute, will you?
15:55Think of all the advantages.
15:56Listen.
15:57That Vicky, or whatever her name is, she's the sole heiress of the Mailbury fortunes,
16:01right?
16:01She's got no brothers or sisters.
16:03And the old girl popped her clogs halfway down a giant slalom, right?
16:06So when the old Duke finally says, you know, like, bonsoir to this mortal girl,
16:10she'll become the Duchess.
16:11And do you know what that means?
16:14What?
16:16Now, what?
16:16Come here.
16:18I want you to remember this moment.
16:20Because we could be looking at the future Duke of Mailbury.
16:25He don't look like a peer of the realm.
16:27Well, eh?
16:27Well, no.
16:27Not at the moment he don't, no.
16:28But stick a coronet on his head, bit of vermin, get rid of them boots.
16:31He's a dead ringer.
16:32That won't be a joke.
16:33Listen.
16:34Think of all the advantages.
16:36You'll be sitting in the House of Lords.
16:38Yeah.
16:38Well, we can watch you on the telly over the kip.
16:42Look, me and Vicky, well, we're more mates than anything else.
16:46We have one mutual interest.
16:48Art.
16:49Other than that, we're worlds apart.
16:50I mean, she wants us to go to places like, well, the opera.
16:54Why, what's that?
16:55Carmen or something.
16:56It's a gala performance.
16:58Why didn't you take her, then?
16:59Where do I do that?
17:00I don't know the first thing about operas.
17:02And besides, it's impossible to get tickets, isn't it?
17:05If you want tickets, you shall have tickets, Cinders.
17:09Now, from Limpy Line, all the tickets out.
17:12You can get tickets for anything.
17:13Got no cost, Al.
17:16What does money matter?
17:17What does money matter compared with little Rodney's happiness?
17:22I still don't understand how you managed it.
17:25Even Daddy couldn't get tickets for tonight, and he tried everywhere.
17:28Oh, it was nothing, really.
17:30I have, let's just say, contacts.
17:40I hope they're not forgeries.
17:47Good evening, Lady Victoria.
17:48Hello.
17:49Thank you, sir.
17:56Thank you, sir.
17:57Have a nice evening.
17:59Oh, yeah.
18:00All right.
18:01Thank you very much.
18:02I'll get some programs, shall I?
18:08Two programs, please.
18:10That's eight pounds, sir.
18:12Oh.
18:13All right.
18:21Rodney, I know you'll think I'm a frightful old boy, but you know you've invited me to a soccer match
18:25on Saturday.
18:26Yeah?
18:27Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel.
18:29Oh.
18:30Oh, well, there's no problem, Vicky.
18:33I must go home, you see.
18:34Daddy's invited a few friends down to the estate for the weekend.
18:37A shoot and then dinner.
18:38I simply have to be there.
18:41I'm the lady of the house these days.
18:43That's all right.
18:44I understand.
18:47Would you like to join us as my guest?
18:50Oh.
18:52Erm.
18:53Well.
18:54You could stay overnight.
18:55And then on Sunday I'd take you for a wonderful lunch at our little local.
18:59Er.
19:01Yes.
19:02Thank you, Vicky.
19:03I'd love to.
19:04Oh, that's super.
19:12Can I get you a drink?
19:14A very dry white wine and soda, please.
19:16I won't be a minute, then.
19:24Could I have two very dry white wine and sodas, please?
19:28Thank you, Vicky.
19:34Thank you, Vicky.
19:36Thank you, Vicky.
19:37Thank you, Vicky.
19:38Thank you, Vicky.
19:38It's all right.
19:38Excuse me.
19:39Excuse me.
19:39Ah.
19:40All right, bruv?
19:41I was getting a bit worried, you know.
19:42The whole time was creeping on there.
19:43All right, darling?
19:44They reckon it's going to be a good one tonight.
19:46Hey.
19:47John.
19:47When you finish your dinner break, can we have some service up here?
19:50He's already serving me.
19:52Was he?
19:53Oh, right.
19:54Oi.
19:54Cooper, Libra, in there, for moi, all right?
19:57Adele, what the bloody hell are you doing here?
19:59Oh, that's charming, that is, isn't it, eh?
20:01That's charming.
20:02Well, there were four tickets right up for grabs.
20:05You know me, I love a bit of opera.
20:07You?
20:08The only opera you've ever seen was Tommy, and that was on video.
20:11What?
20:12Oh.
20:13Um, Victoria, this is my brother, Derek.
20:16Oh, hello.
20:16How nice to meet you.
20:17And you.
20:18And may I say, Victoria, how particularly lovely that you are looking tonight.
20:25I didn't realise that you were going to be joining us.
20:27Oh, yes.
20:28Well, there were four tickets available, you see.
20:30And I bought them all.
20:31Oh, yes.
20:31Rodney bought them all.
20:32Well, that's him, you know.
20:33He's generous to a fall.
20:35Well, cheers.
20:40I can't believe it.
20:42What don't you believe?
20:43Look, this is the Theatre Royal Drury Lane, right?
20:46Yeah.
20:47I mean, somebody has ordered a kiss of green.
20:49Maybe.
20:50We have.
20:51Er, there.
20:55You saucy git, that's my bird.
20:58Tell it, are you?
20:59It is, it's Junie.
21:01You know, June, she lives over in Zimbabwe house.
21:04I have to go out with her daughter.
21:06Oh, I know.
21:07Don't worry, she won't say a word.
21:09Wait.
21:09Wait.
21:10Junie.
21:11Here you go.
21:13I won't sure where you got to.
21:16Then cars is enough posh.
21:18Yes, well, you always go to the best place with me, sweetheart.
21:21Oh.
21:21Allow me to introduce you.
21:24Lady Victoria, I want you to meet June Snell.
21:29Good evening, June.
21:30Hello.
21:30You all right?
21:34Lady Victoria, remember?
21:36Oh, er, yeah.
21:39It's a great pleasure to meet you, Mum.
21:47Oh, no, please.
21:48I mean, it really isn't necessary.
21:50No, no, no, no.
21:51Please, Victoria.
21:52Junie likes to keep herself in perspective, don't you, girl?
21:55Oh, yeah.
21:55I think he's best.
21:57Oh, of course, you know Rodney, don't you?
21:59Whatcha?
22:00Whatcha?
22:01He used to go out with my daughter, Debbie.
22:05Sue, you're an opera buff as well, are you, June?
22:08Yeah.
22:08I saw one once on BBC Two.
22:11Our telly had gone up the wall.
22:12It was the only channel we could get.
22:14It was like world-famous foreign blokes singing, weren't they?
22:16Oh, yeah.
22:17Wonderful voice.
22:18Oh, yes.
22:19Very talented.
22:20Great big fat git, weren't they?
22:22Yeah.
22:23It's an opera.
22:23It's summer costume, couldn't it?
22:26Of course, this is my most favourite opera, this one, you know, Carmen.
22:30Oh, love it.
22:31Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro.
22:33Figaro.
22:34Um, that's from the Barber of Seville.
22:37Oh, of course it is, of course it is.
22:39I don't know what's the matter with me.
22:40Now, I always get those two mixed up, you know, the Barber of Seville and Carmen.
22:43Well, Carmen's an air dryer, isn't it?
22:48Yeah, well, of course it is.
22:50Of course.
22:51Blimey's rung that one early, hasn't he?
22:53We've got something on one, haven't we?
22:54So, what's that?
22:55White wine and soda.
22:56Junie.
22:57Oh, Benedictine and lemonade.
23:00Excuse me.
23:01The battle is simply to tell the audience that the performance is about to begin.
23:08Oh, yeah, we knew that.
23:10Oh, yeah.
23:11Knew that.
23:11I really think we ought to be taking our seats.
23:15Right.
23:16Well, may I?
23:23Right, come on.
23:44It's a blinding opera, innit?
23:47It's alright, I suppose.
23:48It doesn't get going, does it?
23:52Well, it's supposed to keep going.
23:54I mean, it's culture.
23:56You don't come to an opera to enjoy it, you come because it's there.
24:02Oh!
24:03I didn't know that.
24:05Oh, yeah.
24:08What's that about?
24:09I don't know.
24:10Maybe there's someone talking somewhere.
24:14Maybe.
24:15Some people have got no protocol, have they?
24:22I've got a few licorice of soap left.
24:24What if you've got one with hundreds of thousands, Sonny?
24:28Only one.
24:28Oh, yeah.
24:31Oh.
24:32I don't know.
24:42Rodney.
24:44Oh.
24:45One of the great short songs.
24:52Vicky. Vicky.
24:54Shh. Thank you.
24:57There's only a couple left. We might as well finish them off.
24:59I've got them.
25:15Where's Dale?
25:17He's gone out to the ice cream lady.
25:20Oh.
25:24Oh.
25:32Rodney.
25:34Shh.
25:39Shh.
25:40Rodney.
25:40We're over here, Dale.
25:43Thank you. Excuse me.
25:46Thanks, girl. Excuse me.
25:48Oh, is that your fault?
25:49You can't.
25:51It's an insult.
25:59Rodney.
26:00What?
26:02Do you want an ice cream?
26:04No.
26:06I bought you one.
26:08I don't want it.
26:11Vicky.
26:12Yes?
26:14Do you want an ice cream?
26:15No.
26:16I don't eat ice cream.
26:18And I bought it for you.
26:19She don't eat ice cream.
26:20I've never ever liked ice cream.
26:24What am I supposed to do with these two?
26:27Well, you can stick them where the sun don't shine as far as I'm concerned, as long as you shi
26:31-
26:38I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
26:42But it wasn't your fault, Rodney.
26:44I'm not blaming you, and you shouldn't blame yourself.
26:46No, but it...
26:48Oh, God.
26:55A breath of fresh air, madam.
26:57Feel as right as rain.
26:58Thank you very much, Doctor.
27:05Well, the Phantom of the Opera strikes again, eh?
27:08Still, I don't suppose it's the first time someone's been sick in there, eh, Victoria?
27:11I honestly don't know.
27:12I haven't read a full history of the building.
27:14Well, are you fancy a bite to eat?
27:16No.
27:17I'm really not very hungry.
27:25Is everything all right, Miss Victoria?
27:27Not really, Eric.
27:29But not to worry.
27:36Oh, well. Come on, Junie. Let's get you back home.
27:40I'm sorry about tomorrow, dear boy.
27:42I don't know what'll come over me.
27:45Nor did the woman in front of you.
27:51Is this the shop you was on about?
27:53Yep.
27:54Bill, when you said, let's go and get some clothes for my weekend, I thought you meant we'd pop down
27:58to Sobross in Ballham for an airy shirt or something.
28:01I didn't realise I'd get dressed up like a free-range wally.
28:04Listen to me, Rodney.
28:05I'm not having you going down to Covington House decked out like a Bob Geldof look-alike.
28:10I mean, have you had a look at yourself recently?
28:13I've seen wounds dress better than you.
28:16I'm not having anyone look down on you.
28:18You're as good as them and I want them to see that you are.
28:20I appreciate that, Delton.
28:23But putting me in a pair of green wellies will not turn me into Archduke Ferdinand.
28:27I will be Rodney Trotter in a pair of green wellies.
28:30And that is another thing...
28:31Don't do that.
28:33Another thing, they're having a shooting party, ain't they?
28:35I disagree with Bloodsports.
28:36Do me a favour.
28:38You'll never hit one of them grouse things.
28:40They're fast.
28:41Yeah, tell him you've got a wart on your trigger finger.
28:43He doesn't say nothing about warts, Albert.
28:46You could love that, wouldn't he, eh?
28:48His only child marrying someone covered in warts.
28:50Would you say nothing about warts, Rodney?
28:52No problem, I assure you.
28:54I have to go, Sir Alan.
28:56Something's just come in.
28:58I mean...
28:59Oh, goodbye.
29:00Good afternoon, gentlemen.
29:03May I help you?
29:05Well, I hope so.
29:05I want to buy some gear.
29:06I see.
29:07And what is Sir's pleasure?
29:11Well, birds and curry, I suppose.
29:14I want you to tog him out for a weekend in the country, right?
29:17That's the acking jacket, stout brogues and all the exes.
29:20Now, look.
29:21Got a monkey there.
29:22That should cover it.
29:24Yes.
29:24Yes, of course.
29:26If you'd like to come this way, sir.
29:28Right.
29:29Come on, Rodney.
29:29Let's sort this out.
29:30Of course, he's got some very strange measurements, you know.
29:36Good shot, you, Grace.
29:37I was rather pleased with that myself.
29:44Are you hungry?
29:45Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thank you.
29:47Well, there's plenty to eat.
29:48Well, perhaps I have some in a moment, thank you.
29:52Well, what do you think of it so far?
29:54Oh, very interesting.
29:56You know, I'm really enjoying myself, thank you.
29:59Rodney, you keep on saying thank you.
30:02Do I?
30:02Yes.
30:03I just thought I'd mention it.
30:05I hope you don't mind.
30:06No, thank you.
30:08Sorry.
30:09Don't mention it.
30:11I said that one on purpose, though.
30:13I know you did.
30:15Have you ever used a double-barrelled before?
30:19Oh, I...
30:20No.
30:20No.
30:21Well, I had an air gun, you know, when I was a kid.
30:23Would you like to come?
30:25No.
30:26No, you're all right.
30:26I'll just watch.
30:27Come on, don't be such an old stick in the mud.
30:30Daddy?
30:31Do you have a gun there for Rodney?
30:33Ah, yes, yes, of course, darling.
30:35Patterson, let's have that purdy there, will you?
30:37Yes, Your Grace.
30:38Have you done this sort of thing before, Rodney?
30:40Ah, no.
30:41Well, I'll just watch, if you like.
30:42Oh, nonsense, nonsense.
30:43Nothing to it.
30:45Now, look, this is what you do to load.
30:46You close the gun, right?
30:47There's a safety catch.
30:48You let that off.
30:49Both triggers.
30:50What you do is keep this close in, because of the kick,
30:52and then get the two balance.
30:53With both eyes open, cover it and then fire.
30:55All right?
30:56Oh, right, yeah.
30:57Thank you, Your Grace.
30:58Oh, Henry, Henry, please.
31:00Would you like these?
31:01Oh, yeah, thank you.
31:16What do I say to him?
31:18No!
31:19What?
31:19No!
31:20Put your gun!
31:21Victoria!
31:22Put your gun!
31:24Put your gun!
31:25Put your gun!
31:25Put your gun!
31:26Put your gun!
31:29Look, I'm sorry, old boy, but when you have a gun, you never, never point...
31:33I just realized what I did.
31:34I'm sorry.
31:35Sorry.
31:35Yes, well, it's probably my fault.
31:37I'm sorry.
31:37I should have told you, all right?
31:39Like that.
31:39Now, when you're ready, just say, pull, and then...
31:44Yes, all right?
31:45Pull.
31:57Right.
31:57No!
32:00Yes, it's a good thing.
32:06Yes, sir...
32:07No, no no.
32:10It's not just the bad thing.
32:11No, no.
32:12No, no, no!
32:22Well, that was a jolly good try, Rodney.
32:34Are you all right?
32:36Yes, thank you.
32:38You seem somewhat shocked.
32:40It wasn't the gun, was it?
32:42No. No, I'm fine.
32:44I'll get you a drink.
32:50Come on, where are you?
32:53I know you're out there somewhere, you free-wheel jello.
33:05I'm sure it was there.
33:09I saw it.
33:10I saw it.
33:17Tally-ho there, Rodney!
33:35Good morning, Charlie Hodeau.
33:38You couldn't have picked a better day for it, could you?
33:43Come away!
33:44Hello again.
33:45I didn't expect to see you here.
33:47Oh, well, I didn't expect to see me here.
33:50And I didn't expect to see me here either.
33:53I was supposed to be Danielsian playing in a crib championship.
33:56Instead of that, he drags me all the way out to bloody Berkshire.
33:59Oh, see, that's good.
34:00I just think you haven't eaten that.
34:01Mmm.
34:02Mmm.
34:03It's lovely.
34:04Listen, let me explain what happened, all right?
34:07Well, I was tidying up the flat, and guess what I found in one of the wardrobes, eh?
34:12Only his evening suit.
34:14Well, I thought to myself, he's left it behind.
34:17He can't go to dinner dressed like that, so I had no option but to drive it down here.
34:21Oh, I see.
34:22Well, that was very nice of you, wasn't it, Rodney?
34:26Yeah.
34:28Daddy!
34:29You bloody liar!
34:30I packed my evening suit.
34:32I packed it my...
34:32I...
34:33I packed it myself personally.
34:35What have you done, Rodney?
34:36Because I had to get back in the wardrobe.
34:37Because you took it out of my suitcase after I packed it.
34:39Now, why would I want to do a thing like that, eh?
34:41So's you could bloody well come down here.
34:43No, I didn't.
34:44Daddy?
34:45This is Rodney's brother, Derek Trotter.
34:47Derek, I'd like you to meet my father.
34:49No introductions necessary.
34:50I recognise your photograph from a sporting light.
34:53Tell me, how's Amson Samson?
34:54Has he got over that fat ox brain yet?
34:56Yes, he's doing very nicely.
34:58Ah, good.
34:59And what about a derby next year?
35:00You know, will he be trying?
35:01Trying?
35:03Mr. Trotter, it's a derby.
35:04Everyone will be trying.
35:05Ha, good.
35:06As long as I won't put my money, you're great.
35:10Victoria tells me you've driven all the way down from London with Rodney's dinner jacket.
35:15That's jolly decent of you.
35:16You must be exhausted.
35:17Well, I am cream cracker, you're great.
35:19Don't worry.
35:20I'll just mooch around here until I get my strength up for the journey back.
35:23Yes, well, do.
35:23Make yourself at home, won't you?
35:24And if you're around later, I'm sure Cook will provide you with something to eat.
35:27Oh, stay for dinner.
35:28Ah, well, pas de deux.
35:30And as luck would have it, as I was getting Rodney's evening suit out of the wardrobe,
35:34mine came along with it.
35:35So I've got all my gear here.
35:39For dinner?
35:40Yes.
35:42Patterson, will you set another place for dinner tonight, please?
35:44For this gentleman?
35:45Yes, Patterson.
35:46Of course, your grace.
35:47Well, that's very civil of you.
35:49Thank you very much.
35:51Oh.
35:53Would you mind if I had a pot shot?
35:56Ah, no, no, of course not.
35:58Uh, Patterson, can I have a gun for Mr Trotto, please?
36:00No need, no need to.
36:01I brought my own.
36:06Well...
36:08Would you like these, sir?
36:11No, I can't listen to music while I'm shooting.
36:16Right, ready when you are, John.
36:18Do you mean Paul?
36:20Oh, sorry, Paul.
36:21In your own time, my son.
36:33I'll be all right when I get me eye in.
36:37Oi, where did you get that gun from?
36:40Iggy Higgins.
36:41Iggy Higgins robs banks.
36:43No, but it's Saturday.
36:54Oh, look at that right there.
37:02What a sight, eh?
37:05Makes you proud to be British.
37:08They know the difference between cucumber sandwiches
37:10and an egg on toast this lot, doesn't they?
37:14All right.
37:16Spend it.
37:18Derek, Derek, listen.
37:21I was nervous enough about this weekend
37:24and that was without you being here.
37:26But you arrived
37:28and your presence alarms me.
37:32What I'm trying to say is
37:33behave yourself, eh?
37:35Please.
37:36All right, all right, Rodney.
37:38Listen, I want you to know something
37:39no matter what happens tonight, right?
37:42I'm doing it for you.
37:43All right.
37:45What do you know?
37:46What's going on?
37:47No, nothing, nothing.
37:48What are you going to do for me?
37:49Nothing.
37:50I'm just going to help you make a good impression of it.
37:52Look at that.
37:53Look.
37:53We've got a crem de monthe
37:55of British nobility down here.
37:57Look at that, mate.
37:58There's no one down here
37:59lower than a dowager.
38:00I don't want you to think
38:02that we're just a hoi polloi.
38:04No.
38:06We'll be on our bestest behavior tonight.
38:08All right.
38:09So we all agreed on that then?
38:10All right.
38:17All right?
38:18You in?
38:20You in?
38:21You in here.
38:22All right.
38:23You in here.
38:24All right.
38:25All right.
38:28Thank you, John.
38:32All right, Henry.
38:35Good evening.
38:36Good evening.
38:40Is that a Da Vinci?
38:42No, it's not.
38:43Ah, what a shame.
38:45Because he's my most favorite artist.
38:46Yeah.
38:48That is a Pissarro.
38:51Oh, I don't know.
38:51It's seen worse.
38:56Keep your eyes on those peas, Shirley.
39:01Here we are, Albert.
39:03Thank you very much, Mrs. Miles.
39:05Yeah, I'll give you a word of warning.
39:07Don't give Mr. Trotter any peas.
39:09They go everywhere.
39:10I'll tell Mr. Patterson.
39:14Who are your people, Albert?
39:17They're not people.
39:18They're my nephews.
39:19So they're not of noble birth, then?
39:21Noble?
39:22The nearest them two who got the nobility was their great Uncle Jack.
39:26He was a tobacco baron.
39:28The noisy one is a flyer pitcher, and the young one's his apprentice.
39:31So that's what you lot do, then?
39:34Sell things on street corners?
39:37Not me, madam.
39:38I was a career man.
39:40I was in the Navy for 30 years, man and boy.
39:42I thought, in the back of the Atlantic, back of the Pacific, Russian convoys, you name it,
39:47I was there.
39:48Oh, I bet you could tell a tale or two, eh, Albert?
39:52Never talk about it.
39:54Thanks.
39:55I remember once we was in the South China Sea.
39:58We knew there were mines about.
40:00You see, and this...
40:01That little fella out there is really knocking back the champers.
40:03He's had nearly three quarters of a bottle to himself already.
40:06He keeps talking about Leonardo da Vinci.
40:08It's like he knew him.
40:09How are you?
40:09Oh, Patterson, give us a little topperoonie, will you, pal?
40:12Cheers.
40:13Go on, my son.
40:15Yeah.
40:16Hello.
40:17Now, would you leave that wine alone?
40:20You're hitting the star of Bengal now.
40:22I used to enjoy myself, that's all.
40:25Oh, no, but when you enjoy yourself, nobody else does.
40:29Trust me, Rodney, trust me.
40:32You're reaching the point in the evening when I'm going to project you.
40:38Look, I do not want to be projected.
40:40Have you got that?
40:41I want to stay extremely unprojected.
40:54Henry, who's that young chap of Victoria?
40:58Oh, he's just a friend.
41:00She met him in a street market.
41:01She's going through her working artist stage at the moment.
41:04Just like her mother, bless her.
41:06It's just a phase.
41:07She often brings these colorful characters down for the weekend.
41:10Do you remember that chap who looked like a gypsy, arrived with a bull terrier and a stolen escort?
41:15Oh, yes.
41:17Yes, he beat up Patterson in the library.
41:19Oh, yes.
41:20Well, anyway, this chap, Rodney, Rodney, he's an artist, too.
41:25And the other fellow, his brother?
41:29He's the biggest artist of all.
41:33Henry, is that a da Vinci?
41:36No.
41:37Nice, though.
41:38I think he's a little drunk.
41:41He's always been a little drunk.
41:44That was a blinding meal at your ladyship, wasn't it, eh?
41:46Yes, excellent.
41:47Yeah, what did you have, the fessant?
41:49Yes, fessant.
41:50Yeah, well, I had the quails with peas and gravy.
41:52So you did.
41:55Tell me, it's Trotter, isn't it?
41:58Yes, that's right, but me friends call me Del.
42:00I see.
42:02Tell me, Trotter, how do you come to know Henry?
42:06Oh, Henry, Henry, oh, yeah, well, his daughter, that's the tricky one here in the blues,
42:11is getting engaged to my younger brother, Rodney.
42:14Engaged?
42:15Keep it under your terrara, huh?
42:17We don't want the media to hear about this.
42:18Remember what happened to Andrew and Fergie?
42:20They couldn't even fart without there being a newsflash.
42:24Couldn't they?
42:24Eh?
42:25Oh, there he is.
42:27Ah, good man.
42:29Whoops.
42:30Hello.
42:30You've drawn a blank there, your ladyship.
42:32Never mind.
42:33I expect your cariff will be coming along in a minute.
42:36Here's a slug of mine if you're up all the way.
42:39I was in the life raft about 20 yards from him.
42:43The cariff was so strong, quite easy.
42:46It was awful.
42:47Oh, that story will haunt me till the day I die.
42:51I know the feeling.
42:54These are nice, Victoria.
42:55What are they, Raven Hennessy?
42:57No, it's Stowbridge Crystal.
42:59It's been in the family for generations.
43:01Oh.
43:02No.
43:07Look at that, that's nice, isn't it?
43:09Look at that.
43:10Craftsmanship, that.
43:10Here, Henry, this night.
43:12It is not a da Vinci.
43:15Short in silver, though, I wager.
43:17Yes, they were made by William Cordhill in 1648.
43:20They come up well, though, haven't they, eh?
43:24Because me and Rodney, you know, we're involved in cutlery.
43:27Well, it's canteens of cutlery, par excellence, actually.
43:32Actually, I've got some in the van.
43:33I'll pop out and get down some for you, if you like.
43:35No.
43:35Eh?
43:37Just leave it, eh?
43:39All right, all right.
43:41Which part of London are you from, Rodney?
43:44Er, Peckham.
43:46Really?
43:47Not too far from me.
43:49I have a flat in Chelsea.
43:50Rodney's taking me to Stamford Bridge to see someone play soccer.
43:53Oh, you're one of the faithful.
43:55I'm a blues fan myself.
43:57Have you taken a box?
43:59Er, doesn't need a box, does he?
44:01He's tall enough to see, isn't he?
44:04LAUGHTER
44:06LAUGHTER
44:07LAUGHTER
44:09LAUGHTER
44:09LAUGHTER
44:11LAUGHTER
44:16Now, Rodney, Rodney, he had a great future, you know, as an athlete.
44:20In fact, the headmaster of his university wanted him to go on to the Olympics.
44:24Hmm?
44:25Really?
44:25Well, he said, no, no, no, he said no, because he wanted to concentrate on his business.
44:29Because that is where his true talent lies, there.
44:32I mean, he's a future whiz kid.
44:34Yeah.
44:34Well, he's got two GCEs.
44:37Well, I don't know.
44:39This time next year, he's going to be a millionaire.
44:41That's very nice to hear.
44:43Which university were you at?
44:46Rodney was at an art college, Daddy.
44:49In Basingstoke.
44:50B...
44:52Oh, yes, I've heard very good things about him.
44:56How long were you there, old chap?
44:59Er, three weeks.
45:02LAUGHTER
45:03Weeks?
45:05Well, I left for personal reasons.
45:09Morning's fault.
45:10They weren't his drugs.
45:13LAUGHTER
45:25Now, listen to me, trotter.
45:28Are you still staying overnight?
45:32Or...
45:34Or not?
45:43I want you and all your kith and kin out of my house and off my land, now!
45:48We don't want to talk about the arrangements.
45:51Arrangements?
45:51What arrangements?
45:52For Victoria and Rodney's wedding.
45:54Wedding?
45:55Wedding?
45:55What do you mean, wedding?
45:57Oh, oh, hey, hang on, Henry.
46:00Oh, no, don't tell me that no one's told you.
46:02I hope I haven't gone and spot a wonderful surprise.
46:04A wonderful surprise for whom?
46:06Oh, for you.
46:08Yeah, I thought, you know, we might make the announcements in The Times,
46:12The Country Life and The Peck-a-Beck-o.
46:15LAUGHTER
46:16What do you think, eh?
46:18I don't believe what I am hearing.
46:21My daughter is marrying no one.
46:23In two months' time, she is going to America.
46:25She is doing a year's course at the New York School of Art.
46:29Well, they're probably going to take that in on their honeymoon.
46:32What?
46:32Two months?
46:33Cool, we're going to have to book the old cathedral a bit lively, aren't we, Henry?
46:35The only thing that you will be booking is a bed in intensive care.
46:40Your brother is not, I repeat, not marrying my daughter!
46:46Well, just a minute, Henry.
46:49We're not just a couple of yippity-oys.
46:51I mean, we know how to conduct ourselves.
46:53In fact, there's a rumour going around that we are related to the Surrey Trotters.
46:57I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters,
47:00or to the Berkshire Trotters,
47:02or to the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!
47:05I want that young man out of my daughter's life!
47:11Well, then how are you going to do that?
47:12Because that Victoria seems pretty stuck on him.
47:15Well, I will find some way of unsticking her.
47:18I have no fear of that.
47:19Well, it's not going to be easy, because I know Rodney,
47:21and I know him only too well.
47:23I can't think of anything that would make him leave her.
47:26Well, you know, I'm not going to say anything.
47:29Well, it's one thing.
47:31And what's that?
47:34Well, why don't we go into your study
47:36and discuss it over a glass of brandy?
47:38All right, come on, come on, come on, in here.
47:40Come on!
47:42Ah!
47:43Now, what is that one?
47:44That's a bloody Da Vinci!
48:11What is it?
48:15Well, Rodney, I was trying to make an impression.
48:20Oh, you made an impression, Del.
48:24It was similar to the impression the Americans made at Nagasaki.
48:27Listen, Lord.
48:29Rodney, just a minute, will you?
48:34For as long as I can remember, Del,
48:36it's always been the same as just you sticking your oar in.
48:42About that time I joined the army, cadets, eh?
48:46And then you discovered the boy I shared a tent with
48:48had a relative who was a big noise in show business,
48:50and, well, that was the end of my military career, wasn't it?
48:54I was going to be a child star.
48:57So I was demobbed and straight into a tap-dancing school
49:00before I could say who goes there.
49:02And that was just an embarrassment as well,
49:04just like tonight.
49:06I was the only kid in that school
49:08who never had a proper set of tap-dancing shoes.
49:13It's only because your army boots made more noise.
49:16You made more noise at all that.
49:19I used to make zippity-doo-dah
49:21sound like the advance on Leningrad.
49:24You see, you had to interfere!
49:29And now you've interfered between me and Vicky, haven't you?
49:33You humiliated me.
49:34You destroyed me in front of all them people.
49:38And you ruined my opportunity
49:40of sharing a warm and friendly relationship
49:43with somebody I respected.
49:46And on top of all that, Del,
49:48on top of all that,
49:51I think I've broken my hand.
49:54Just have a look at it, then.
49:56Oh, just get away from me.
49:58Leave me alone.
50:01You even went and told the joke
50:03about the Irish bloke on a skiing holiday, didn't you?
50:10But do you know what the most painful incident
50:13of the entire evening was?
50:15His grace called me into his study
50:18for a little chat.
50:22Said he wanted me to stop seeing Victoria.
50:26Said he wanted me out of her life now and for good.
50:30Do you know, he even offered me money.
50:34Well, you can't imagine how I felt, can't you?
50:38Well, yeah.
50:40Horrible, Rodney.
50:41Must have felt really horrible.
50:43Well, I would have told him what he could do with his money.
50:45Oh, I did, son.
50:46Oh, good boy.
50:50What?
50:51You said Nitto to a grand?
50:54Yes, I did.
50:56I'll still have some of my self-esteem left in ta...
51:01How did you know he offered me a grand?
51:05I?
51:06How did you know he offered me a thousand pounds?
51:10Well, it's about the going rate
51:12to get a plonker out of your daughter's life.
51:15You arranged it, didn't you?
51:17No.
51:18No, not actually arranged it.
51:22Look, them sort of people,
51:23they're looked after by the special branch of MI6.
51:26Don't you think that when they ran your name
51:28through their computer
51:29and found out that you'd got a conviction,
51:30if you'd refused to get out of Vicky's life,
51:32well, they would have sent a hit team.
51:36You would have been brown bread, brother.
51:39I thought to myself, well,
51:41grand on a hip is worth more
51:42than a poison umbrella up your jacksie, innit?
51:46But you turned it down, didn't you, you dipstick?
51:48Yes, I did.
51:50Del, I...
51:51I refused to become a lot number
51:53in one of your auctions,
51:54but you can't understand that, can you?
51:56You just can't understand.
52:01Yeah, of course I can understand, Rodney.
52:05Look, I'm...
52:06sorry I heard you, Rodney.
52:10Come on, don't hate me, please, brother.
52:14Don't hate you.
52:17I don't bloody like you.
52:22Well, that'll do me, Rodney.
52:24Put it there.
52:30Now, what are you?
52:31What are you, eh?
52:33Eh?