After the company employees are forced to take ethical-training classes, Dilbert is put in charge of designing a nationwide Internet voting network. His scruples are put to the test when an attractive female representative of a tobacco special-interest group tries to seduce him.
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TVTranscript
00:02You may have heard that our company has been accused of unethical business practices.
00:08Is it because of the falsified product safety tests?
00:11Is it because of the false stories planted in the media about our competitors?
00:14Is it because of our crime family connections?
00:17What? Are you saying those things are unethical too?
00:21Good God, this thing is just snowballing.
00:25Now, where was I?
00:27Seven years ago.
00:30During the summer.
00:31Ah, the heck with it.
00:33Senior management has decided to confront this head-on and deal with the ethics problem directly.
00:39They're surrendering to the authorities?
00:41One might think that, but one would be wrong.
00:45No.
00:46They're sending all employees to mandatory ethics training classes.
00:50Including managers such as yourself, correct?
00:53No, I'm sure that wouldn't be very managerial, would it?
00:59Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't every ethics violation in this company been perpetrated by managers?
01:04Yes, but the point is managers are far too important to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes.
01:11That's what subordinates are for.
01:14That and dating.
01:17Please don't date me!
01:18I promise I'll work harder!
01:21Your new masseuse is here.
01:23She wants to know how you'll be paying.
01:26Paying?
01:26Did you explain to her that she gets to touch my naked back?
01:30For some reason, that wasn't enough.
01:33Who needs her?
01:35Tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it if you don't mind.
01:39Not at all.
01:40And the following mumbling is not necessarily about you.
01:44Ignorant, pompous horse's ass.
01:46Must be problems at home.
01:50Are we done here?
01:51I think we're done.
01:57Hm.
01:58I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden.
02:01Uh, Shook?
02:03Meet me in my office.
02:05And bring fresh towels.
02:12Oh, my.
02:14This is so not in my job description.
02:17I don't think I can possibly...
02:19Stop whining and start slathering!
02:22Time frame!
02:34Call joke!
02:36Call joke!
02:37Call joke!
02:39Call joke!
02:40See you next time.
03:23See you next time.
03:40Is that your real name?
03:42It's Egyptian.
03:44Okay. So what do you want to get from this class? I'm hot for you, Wally.
03:49I already got it. Thanks.
03:52My personal goal for ethics training is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality with special emphasis on pragmatism versus
04:00divine will.
04:01How about if I teach you not to steal?
04:05That would be good, too.
04:06Loud Howard, if a co-worker confided something very personal to you, could you keep it quiet?
04:13Yes!
04:14This class is pointless. We're not the ones with the ethics problems.
04:18Speak for yourself.
04:20We're engineers. We have integrity, and that's not for sale.
04:24But it is for rent.
04:25Excuse me, I'm hot for you, Wally.
04:28Consider yourself excused.
04:33There sure is a lot of weather today, all up there in the sky.
04:39It was a lot like that yesterday, too.
04:42Oh, he's right.
04:43What's up with that weather? Every day there.
04:45Did anyone watch a sports event this weekend?
04:48Oh, I'll say.
04:49Oh, sports. Wouldn't miss sports.
04:51Not a Sunday without it.
04:52Who was playing?
04:53That's not important.
04:54It only matters that the participants supported each other as a team.
04:58You men aren't at all what I expected.
05:00I feel like the glass ceiling for women executives like me is finally broken.
05:04I mean, here I am, networking with other executives on the golf course,
05:09privy to all your private conversations.
05:12Oh, we're all about nurturing.
05:15And diversity.
05:17There goes your ball.
05:19It keeps doing that.
05:21Oh!
05:23Watch out for the turtles.
05:24They're poisonous.
05:26Did we decide whose company wins the government bid this time?
05:31My company got the flying submarine deal.
05:33I believe your company wins the next bid, Edmund.
05:39Ow!
05:41No, no.
05:42We won the bid for the invisible troop carriers.
05:45Well, then, who's going to bid for the National Internet Voting Network contract?
05:49For the good of the oligarchy, we will.
05:51Well, he's a good man.
05:56Ow!
05:57Is it the high bid or the low bid that wins?
06:00By the way, that part makes my head spin.
06:04What were you talking about?
06:06What did I miss?
06:08Does anyone else think taxes are too darn high?
06:11Whoa!
06:11And the pigs for you, don't you know it?
06:16I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid to build the government's next super project,
06:23the Internet Voting Network.
06:25I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow.
06:28Yes, but none of our conference rooms are available tomorrow, so I'm telling you the results today.
06:34What's the Internet Voting Network?
06:36It's a concept for letting people vote over the Internet in national elections.
06:41Dilbert, you seem to know the most about the Internet Voting Network, so you're the project leader.
06:46What?
06:47That's all I know.
06:48And now that I said it, everyone in this room knows as much as I do.
06:52I tuned you out right after the part where you started talking.
06:55What's the Internet Voting Network?
06:59This might sound crazy, but after careful consideration, I'm actually happy for a change to be assigned a project against
07:05my will.
07:06The Internet Voting Network will double voter participation.
07:09I'm going to make democracy work.
07:11It's an awesome responsibility.
07:13Let me know when you get it working.
07:15I almost wonder what it would be like to vote.
07:17You mean you've never voted?
07:19It's too much of a hassle.
07:21But if I didn't have to drive...
07:23Look, you're encouraging morons to vote.
07:26That can't possibly be good.
07:28You can't use Wally as a typical example of humanity.
07:32I'm special.
07:34Take Loud Howard.
07:35He's more typical of the average voter.
07:38Yes!
07:38I always vote for the tallest guy!
07:42The tall ones are better!
07:44Dilbert, do you realize that you could build a back door into the system
07:48and manipulate the voting results for your own evil purposes without ever being detected?
07:53Wow!
07:54You could make a fortune from special interest groups.
07:57Did you learn nothing in ethics class?
08:00I tried, but you covered your test with your hand.
08:03One could make a fortune from special interest groups,
08:06but it would be unethical.
08:08And more importantly,
08:09it would destroy the integrity of our democratic system.
08:12I would never sell out my country for money.
08:14Besides, I have all the money I need.
08:21Nine hundred thousand.
08:24A million.
08:27Next.
08:28It's a public school class!
08:36As you can see, class, Congress is in session.
08:40And furthermore, television violence is bad.
08:44And these rap lyrics...
08:45Where's the gift shop?
08:46They got a bathroom in here?
08:47Can I use my cell phone?
08:49I just got paid.
08:50Shut up!
08:51You kids are the leaders of tomorrow, right?
08:53Yeah.
08:54Well, here's a little something to remind you who your friends are.
09:01This is private enemy number one.
09:04He goes by the name Dilbert.
09:07He's in charge of building the Internet Voting Network.
09:10We have learned he is immune to monetary inducements.
09:15His Internet Voting Network is a threat to all our special interests.
09:20We must find a way to influence him without money.
09:24Without money?
09:25What else is there?
09:27Use your creativity.
09:29There must be some other way to get him in our pocket.
09:33I have an idea.
09:37No, wait.
09:38You said no money.
09:40Keep it coming.
09:42Keep it coming.
09:43Give me some more of that mean green.
09:46You just say the word and I'll assassinate anyone you want.
09:49You clearly have no scruples.
09:51You golden-tongued sweet talker.
09:55You're making me blush.
09:56But your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements.
10:00He must have a weakness.
10:01Everyone does.
10:03He does have one weakness, if you know what I mean.
10:08Wink, wink.
10:10Ah, yes.
10:12The one thing.
10:17I hope he was thinking free T-shirt, too.
10:29Fire!
10:30Fire!
10:32Hurry!
10:33There's a fire upstairs!
10:35Something's smoking, but it's not a fire.
10:41Hehehehehehe.
10:42You have a visitor upstairs in the smoking lounge.
10:45We don't have a smoking lounge.
10:46We do now.
10:50Hey, where did all this new furniture come from?
10:53And that TV?
10:55We accepted them as gifts on your behalf.
10:57You shouldn't have accepted these gifts.
10:59They're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me.
11:02How are they doing?
11:03Not very well.
11:05Amateurs.
11:19Hi, handsome.
11:21My name's Ashley.
11:22This is a smoke-free house.
11:24Maybe you'd like to take me someplace that isn't.
11:28I'd better not.
11:29I just had my car cleaned.
11:31I've been authorized to do whatever it takes
11:34to make you a friend of tobacco.
11:36Whatever it takes?
11:41Anything.
11:44Well?
11:45Okay.
11:46I'd like you to quit smoking.
11:48What?
11:49It's for your own good.
11:50I can't do that.
11:52I'm addicted.
11:54You eat.
11:54It's an illness.
11:55You can't just quit like that.
11:57You said anything.
11:59You don't understand.
12:00I need to do this right away or I'll get fired.
12:02I mean, because I'm all fired up.
12:07When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
12:10Look at me.
12:11I'm perfect except for one little bad habit.
12:13Get over it.
12:23Do you think you'd ever sacrifice your ethics
12:25and rig the election just to date a woman like that?
12:28I would never sell out our founding fathers.
12:31Tell the truth.
12:32I admit that, in theory,
12:35there is some level of hormonal excitement
12:37that could, in some conceivable circumstance,
12:39in the hypothetical,
12:41exceed the threshold of my ethical self-control.
12:44What if the woman actually liked you?
12:47Let's hope that never happens.
12:50I almost found a woman who likes me.
12:52How did you know?
12:54Well, technically, she was a tobacco lobbyist
12:56who was leading me on
12:57so she could get illegal access
12:59to my internet voting network.
13:01Close enough.
13:02That's my thinking.
13:03Did you use the old familiarity technique?
13:06I didn't have a chance.
13:07What's the old familiarity technique?
13:09It involves spending so much time with a woman
13:12that she gets used to your faults.
13:13It's like falling in love,
13:15but without the expense.
13:16If I could have made this tobacco lobbyist
13:18spend enough time with me...
13:19While she was using you...
13:21Then maybe, just maybe,
13:23the inertia would carry her
13:25beyond the point of being repulsed by my personality.
13:28Then, one day,
13:29if she breaks up with a socially functional boyfriend,
13:32she might be too emotionally crippled to date again.
13:34And there Dilbert will be.
13:37Why don't you just date a woman
13:38who respects you in the first place?
13:39You can do that?
13:41I see your point.
13:44Dilbert, we need to talk about
13:45extending the deadline
13:46of your internet voting project.
13:49If I extend it, we'll miss the election.
13:51Then I'll get a new summer home.
13:53Everyone wins!
13:54You're ordering me to sabotage my own project?
13:57It wouldn't be the first time,
13:59but it might be the first time
14:01I knew I was doing it.
14:02If I do that, the special interests win.
14:05The integrity of our democratic process
14:07will be violated.
14:09Our founding fathers would spin in their graves.
14:12Spinning, you say?
14:13We'll strap magnets to them
14:14and use them to generate electricity
14:16if it makes you feel any better.
14:17It's clean power!
14:18You can't make me do this.
14:20It's wrong.
14:21There is nothing,
14:22nothing that will change my mind.
14:26How unethical would it be, really,
14:29to help a tobacco lobbyist
14:30rig a national election
14:31just so she'll like me?
14:32Are we talking the ethics of privatism
14:34or divine will?
14:36Let's pretend it's the same thing.
14:38We need some expert help.
14:43How did you get Ben Franklin's body?
14:46You'd be surprised what people throw out.
14:48It's a little too late for him to help us.
14:50Maybe not.
14:52I saw this in an infomercial.
14:54I've been dying to try it.
15:02It says it removes carpet stains, too,
15:04but I have my doubts.
15:16Can anyone give me an update on my inventions?
15:19Well, electricity is doing fine.
15:22Oh, that was a good one.
15:23How about the post office?
15:25Did it become the model of efficiency I envisioned?
15:28Well, to be honest,
15:29a stamp costs more than you paid for your first horse.
15:32You can stand in line for an hour,
15:33then find out you're in the wrong line.
15:36The expression going postal
15:37refers to someone losing their mind,
15:40going crazy,
15:41and opening fire on large groups of innocent people.
15:48Nice work.
15:49I killed Ben Franklin.
15:51Keep your shirt on.
15:52I have no intention of taking it off.
15:54You make it hard for people to help you.
15:57Sorry.
15:58Let's increase the dosage.
16:06Thank you again.
16:07But frankly...
16:09Get it?
16:10Frankly, Franklin, frankly...
16:17Gee, that killed it, the Continental Congress.
16:19Was there some reason you keep bringing me back?
16:22I have an ethical question about our democratic system.
16:25Ah, yes.
16:26By now, I suppose you've figured out.
16:28It was all a big joke.
16:30What?
16:31He doesn't know.
16:34Never mind.
16:35My dilemma is this.
16:37We have this new thing called the Internet.
16:40Internet.
16:41Yes, yes.
16:42A global telecommunications network
16:44built on the TCP IP standards saw it coming.
16:47You did not.
16:48Yes, I did.
16:49How could you?
16:50I'm a founding father, you little punk!
16:52You want to start with me?
16:53All right, all right.
16:55Anyway, I have a chance to make a woman like me
16:58if I use the Internet to rig the next election.
17:01Would that be wrong?
17:02Hmm?
17:03Sounds okay to me.
17:04Really?
17:05Sure.
17:06The average voter can't find his bunghole with both hands.
17:10You don't want to leave it up to them, do you?
17:12I thought maybe I did.
17:14Well, think again.
17:16If we're done here, I'm really hungry.
17:18Ah!
17:21I should have got the 12 back.
17:24One Internet voting network
17:26completely programmed, ready,
17:28and free of outside interference.
17:30So you decided to stick to your ethical guns
17:33knowing that it would cost you
17:34the love of a beautiful woman.
17:36Does it give you newfound respect for me?
17:41Oh, no.
17:43I'm having an election night party.
17:45I hope you can make it.
17:48Chug and vote?
17:49Come enjoy hard liquor before voting from Mikasa.
17:53Thanks to your Internet voting network,
17:55no one will ever have to vote thirsty again.
17:58Loud Howard, I don't think it's a good idea
18:00to mix alcohol with voting.
18:02Since when?
18:03I mean, how are you going to understand an issue
18:06like, say, monetary policy if you're drunk?
18:09I don't understand it now.
18:11Do you?
18:12No.
18:13Bring an appetizer!
18:19Yay!
18:25Hey, everybody!
18:27The polls are open!
18:30Yay!
18:33To democracy!
18:36So hard to message me!
18:40Hey, look at me!
18:42I'm voting and I'm not even a citizen.
18:47One more of these and I'm in the Green Party.
18:51Now tell me, am I for or against nuclear peripelation?
18:56I have to say, this isn't the proudest moment of my career.
19:07Is that the knob for Republican or Democrat?
19:14Hurry up, Foster.
19:16The polls close in 30 seconds.
19:19Oh, fiddlesticks.
19:21I just voted for someone named McGee.
19:26It's been so long since I attended a meeting
19:29of this secret ruling class.
19:31Do you still handle elections the same way?
19:34The old ways are still the best.
19:37Well, the votes have been counted.
19:39The people have spoken.
19:41Our new president is...
19:44Harry S. McGee!
19:50So seriously.
19:52Who do we make president?
19:59She said she might call.
20:01Do you think underneath her smoke-stained exterior
20:04beat a heart of gold?
20:05If by heart of gold you mean lungs of charcoal,
20:08then yes.
20:08I admit I was tempted to destroy the democratic process
20:12to gain the love of a woman.
20:15Love?
20:15Not real love,
20:17but at least the kind that gives you false hope
20:19for a few days.
20:20I like false hope.
20:21Maybe she lost your number.
20:24Maybe she did.
20:27No one leaves the Tobacco Institute.
20:33Since I quit smoking,
20:35I don't feel right about working here anymore.
20:37You quit smoking?
20:39You can't.
20:43Good Lord, Martin.
20:44You coughed out a lung.
20:46Can you push that back in?
20:53I met a man who convinced me
20:55to follow another path.
20:56I'm gonna call him tonight.
20:59I said no one leaves the Tobacco Institute.
21:06Hey!
21:07Wait!
21:08You can't do this!
21:09Let me go!
21:11Excuse me.
21:12Hello?
21:13Hola?
21:14Where's the ladies' room?
21:18Does anyone have any sunscreen?
21:21Y en otras noticias,
21:22el presidente americano Harry S. McKee,
21:24que se parece mucho a Benjamin Franklin,
21:26cayó desde una altura de 30,000 pies
21:28sobre un camión recolector de basura
21:30después de abrir una de las ventanas
21:32del avión presidencial Air Force One.
21:34Los médicos dijeron que no sufrió heridas.
21:39No.
21:40No.
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