- 2 days ago
The Swami
Jonesy becomes the manager of a guru. When the guru is unable to come to the mall for his speech, Jonesy gets Jude to take his place. Jude gives people his ridiculous advice, leading to catastrophic events with Wyatt stuck up a ladder when he is afraid of heights.
Jonesy becomes the manager of a guru. When the guru is unable to come to the mall for his speech, Jonesy gets Jude to take his place. Jude gives people his ridiculous advice, leading to catastrophic events with Wyatt stuck up a ladder when he is afraid of heights.
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TVTranscript
00:06Oh, shoot!
00:09Okay, three Lemon Whirlies and a Blueberry Sledge, coming right up!
00:13Miss? Miss? Why are you looking the other way?
00:17I'll be right with you!
00:18Excuse me.
00:19Okay, uh, you wanted two Lemonades, right?
00:21I can't believe you.
00:22No.
00:22I said I'll be right with you!
00:24Ugh, hey!
00:25This!
00:26Look, I'm blending as fast as I can.
00:27What?
00:28Me?
00:28This!
00:29Hey!
00:33That's it! I can't take it anymore!
00:35Find your own juice!
00:40Psst! Nikki, are the customers gone?
00:43Hmm?
00:43Oh, yeah, they gave up a while ago.
00:45Ugh, finally.
00:47I thought they'd never leave.
00:49There must be more to like than this.
00:51I mean, I have so much to offer the world.
00:53My talent with accessories,
00:55my best mushy girl movies of all time DVD collection,
00:59my encyclopedic knowledge of all the different shades of pink nail polish?
01:03Uh-huh.
01:04You know my policy.
01:05Whenever I hear you talk about pink things,
01:07I leave the area immediately.
01:09Fine.
01:10Go then.
01:11I'll just go back to scooping crud from a smoothie machine.
01:15Ugh, this is so not fair!
01:16If I hear one more person call me Miss,
01:18I'm gonna go completely mental.
01:20Miss?
01:22Could I have a lemon smoothie, please?
01:25Hello!
01:32Hi!
01:33I'm Caitlin.
01:34I work here.
01:35Yeah, I guess that.
01:36I'm Jeff.
01:37I know.
01:38You go to my school and work at the Willows and Williams
01:40on Level 3 on Thursdays and Saturdays.
01:43So?
01:44So, about that smoothie?
01:46You wanna go for one?
01:47I'm supposed to be on for the next hour, but what the heck?
01:50Actually, I meant the one I ordered.
01:52Oh.
01:53Right.
01:54You know, don't worry about it.
01:56I'm already late.
01:57See ya.
01:58Oh.
02:00Way to go.
02:01That was really smooth.
02:03Could this be any worse?
02:06Ow!
02:07Ugh.
02:08I had to ask.
02:10Check it out.
02:11I just scored the best gig at the mall.
02:14Right.
02:14Just rub it in, why don't you?
02:16I'm gonna leave a few of these with you.
02:18Tell your customers!
02:20Hey, girl.
02:21What's up?
02:22My life sucks.
02:23That's what.
02:24I need something to inspire me.
02:26What's that flyer for?
02:27Just some new job Jonesy has.
02:30Oh, I hate it when people stick things to my lemon.
02:32What's he up to this week?
02:34Do you need to be inspired?
02:37Swami Bindi has the answers.
02:39Not one of those self-help gurus.
02:41No, listen.
02:42Listen, it says he's helped millions discover their inner power.
02:45And he'll be here tomorrow.
02:47It's just a big scam.
02:48You can't make your life better.
02:49I work in a giant lemon Wyatt.
02:52I just embarrass myself in front of yet another guy.
02:55He can't make it worse.
02:58It's time for a little positive change.
03:03You can't do this to me.
03:05I have a huge crowd waiting to hear your stupid words of wisdom.
03:08What do you mean you're too depressed to leave your hotel room?
03:11We're paying for that hotel room.
03:14Listen, you better haul your swami butt down here or I'm gonna provide you with an out-of-body
03:18expi...
03:19Swami?
03:20Swami?
03:20Swami?
03:20Ah!
03:21Dude, digging the funky curtains.
03:25Whoa, hey, easy bro.
03:27Sup?
03:27I scored this wicked job booking special appearances, and my first one just bailed on me.
03:32I'm so toast.
03:33Bummer.
03:34But look on the bright side.
03:36What bright side?
03:37I still like you.
03:39Dude, that just doesn't help me here, but I appreciate it.
03:42Ugh, I can't believe Swami Bindi punked out on me.
03:45Only punks get punked, man.
03:47Aren't spiritual dudes, like, bound to not do bad things like cancel appearances?
03:53I don't know.
03:53Guess nobody's perfect.
03:55Focus, Jonesy, focus.
03:57What I need is somebody who can pretend to be a guru.
04:00You know what they say.
04:01The best glimpse of paradise is in that second before you bail.
04:05You'll think of something.
04:07Somebody who can say stupid stuff that sounds profound enough to fool the crowd.
04:11Hey, did you know that gerbils and hamsters can't have babies together, but they both like lettuce?
04:16Hmm, wise words, Swami Jude.
04:20Thanks, I...
04:22Oh, no way, dude.
04:25I will owe you big time.
04:28I'm not a Swami.
04:29They'll never believe me.
04:30Are you kidding?
04:31Those losers would believe anything.
04:34Why did I let you drag me to this?
04:36Ugh, I hope nobody sees me.
04:37He's the hottest motivational speaker in the country.
04:40Sorry, I've got to reverse my bad karma.
04:42Okay, I know things haven't exactly been going your way lately, but do you really think this
04:47guy has answers that you couldn't come up with on your own?
04:49She's too busy matching her shoes with her skirts.
04:52Nikki?
04:53Well, I'm kidding.
04:54Sort of.
04:55Good clothing can open doors, you know.
04:58I think it's about to start.
05:00This better be worth my five bucks.
05:02Ladies and gentlemen, you have all come here today seeking wisdom, fulfillment, and spiritual guidance.
05:07A chance to change your sorry lives for the better.
05:10You will not be disappointed.
05:12Mm, I already am.
05:14Liars, cheaters, lazy people, and general losers of all shapes and sizes.
05:20This is your day.
05:22Which one of those am I?
05:23His advice has apparently helped millions of people just like yourselves.
05:27It is my pleasure to welcome the Swami.
05:36Whoa.
05:38Jude.
05:40Um, hey dudes.
05:43I am Swami Jude.
05:47Swami Bindi couldn't make it because he, uh, fell on his chakra.
05:53So he sent me instead because I'm, uh...
05:58His apprentice.
05:59His appendage.
06:03It's, uh, cool to be here.
06:06Jude, get off that stage right now.
06:08Hi-ya.
06:11Get off the stage.
06:14Get off the stage.
06:15Get off the stage.
06:15Get off the stage.
06:17Bye-bye.
06:18Skateboard park is in the back, son.
06:20But life is like a skateboard park.
06:22And the dudes and chicks are merely skaters.
06:28That's it, buddy.
06:29More like that.
06:30I don't know any more like that.
06:32I didn't even know I knew that one.
06:34That's so profound.
06:37Here we go.
06:38Uh, we're all actors.
06:40Some of us are like Keanu Reeves or Alicia Cuthbert.
06:44Oh, yes.
06:45That sounds like me.
06:46And some of us are hairy, aggressive, physically unappealing people who will never be more than
06:52character actors.
06:54Oh, yes.
06:55It's like he knows me.
06:56You either get the role or you don't.
06:59I just say it's cool, man.
07:01I can dig it.
07:04Oh, nice work out there.
07:07Yes, I get it.
07:09Did you know he was so smart?
07:12Whoa.
07:12Uh, okay.
07:13I never thought I'd hear that.
07:15All right, everybody.
07:16Swami Jude will now take your questions.
07:18Don't be afraid.
07:19Step up to the mic.
07:20No way, dude.
07:22Yes way.
07:23Just say whatever comes to your mind.
07:25They're lapping it up.
07:26Um, how can I get a better job?
07:29Being positive helps.
07:31Like, think of the donut and not the hole.
07:34I'll apply a gooey cream donut.
07:37That's much cooler than Wonder Taco.
07:40Okay, then.
07:41How can I get chicks to dig me?
07:44Um, try laying low and being cool like the dirt.
07:49Dirty, if you will.
07:51I see what you're saying.
07:53So, like, I'll never take another bath again.
07:56Excellent, dude.
07:57Smell you later.
07:59Coach Halder here.
08:00I feel like people never see the real me.
08:02A sensitive, caring bundle of love.
08:05How can I be more open to the MVPs in my life?
08:09I hear you, dude.
08:10It's kind of like a bald man with a hairy back.
08:13When he's got a shirt on, you'd think he didn't have any hair.
08:17But then you go swimming and it's like, whoa, a whole new dude.
08:21My advice?
08:23Swim, dude.
08:24Swim like a fish.
08:31Love me world.
08:34Love me world.
08:37Love me world.
08:38I am a hairy bundle of love.
08:41I am.
08:43I am.
08:43Yo, Swami.
08:44Uh, yeah?
08:46Didn't I see you working at Stick It in the food court?
08:49I...
08:49Hey!
08:50All right, then.
08:51Carry on.
08:51Thanks for the pickup, Smokey.
08:52Who's next?
08:53Okay, so I'm totally into this guy who doesn't even know I'm alive.
08:58What do I do, Swami?
09:00Tell him you're alive.
09:01That's what I do first.
09:03Wow!
09:04I never thought of that.
09:06What a great idea.
09:07That's all for now.
09:09To purchase a transcript of today's show or a collection of wise sayings from Swami Jude,
09:14see me backstage.
09:18That was kind of cool having all those people listen to everything I said.
09:22Yeah, now let's get to work.
09:24But I just finished working.
09:26You heard me.
09:27We gotta get some of your words of wisdom down on paper for all those suckers out there.
09:31Now start talking.
09:32Okay.
09:33How about always smell something before you bite it?
09:37Beautiful.
09:37Okay, when confronted with change...
09:41Uh, always bring a change purse?
09:44Gold, Jude, gold.
09:45Don't stick your hand in a pony's mouth.
09:49Weird, but who cares?
09:54Am I crazy?
09:55Or did that make absolutely no sense whatsoever?
09:58None.
09:59I'm kind of worried about Caitlin.
10:01Hi, I'm Caitlin and I'm alive.
10:04How was that?
10:05Touchdown!
10:06Don't worry.
10:07Only a complete loser would actually take Jude's advice.
10:10Teach us, Swami.
10:12We're like, humble to learn at your feet.
10:15I rest my case.
10:16Can you believe it?
10:17Only $19.99 for all this wisdom.
10:21What a deal.
10:22I'm gonna get a date with Jeff.
10:24With that advice?
10:24I don't think so.
10:26Look, I've tried just being me.
10:27I always make a total idiot of myself.
10:30Maybe this'll work.
10:31Wait!
10:32Caitlin!
10:33Look at it this way.
10:35You do enjoy being right.
10:36Hmm.
10:37That's true.
10:45It's now or never.
10:47I'm a new man!
10:48Look at me now!
10:50I need backup.
10:52Large, hairy-backed men on the run.
10:54Have a nice day.
10:55Bye.
10:56Hi!
10:56My name is Caitlin.
10:58I am alive!
11:00Uh, I can see that.
11:04Carpe diem.
11:06Grab the fish by the horns.
11:08Okay.
11:09So...
11:09Let's go out on a date.
11:11Okay, sure.
11:13Next weekend is good.
11:14No, tonight.
11:15El Sporto's.
11:16Eight o'clock.
11:17Okay, okay.
11:20Caitlin, how did it go?
11:22You didn't embarrass yourself too much in there, did you?
11:24Are you kidding?
11:25Thanks to Jude, I have a date with Jeff tonight.
11:29Wow.
11:30Excuse me.
11:31I have to prepare.
11:32That's a shocker.
11:33It's a good thing this isn't a TV show.
11:35Why?
11:36Because if it was, everything would go horribly wrong after the commercial break.
11:39Yeah, good thing.
11:49It's just a little ladder.
11:51I can do this.
11:53Ah!
11:55Ugh!
11:55Hmm.
11:56I can't do this.
11:58You can't do what?
11:59I'm supposed to change the letters on the sign, but I'm afraid of heights.
12:04It's just a little ladder.
12:07Thanks.
12:08A little more humiliation is just what I needed.
12:10Okay, I'm sorry.
12:12But you can do it the swami way.
12:14The what way?
12:15The swami way.
12:17See?
12:17Fear is totally like a goldfish.
12:20If you feed it, it'll grow bigger.
12:22And then when it dies, you won't be able to flush it down the toilet.
12:25Wow.
12:26That was profound.
12:27I think.
12:28Wyatt, do you want your fear to get so big it won't go down the toilet?
12:31No.
12:32Are you ready to climb that ladder?
12:35Uh, maybe.
12:36Wyatt, don't feed the goldfish.
12:38Get up that ladder now.
12:41All right.
12:42Yes.
12:43Thank you, Swami Jude.
12:46Swami who?
12:47Caitlin?
12:48Hello?
12:51Swami says, are you seeing the hole?
12:53I'm seeing the donut.
12:55Swami says, are you Keanu or some ugly character actor?
12:58Uh, Keanu.
12:59Keanu, Keanu!
13:01Why me?
13:03Fold it like Keanu would.
13:04Oh, I'm so totally folding it like Keanu.
13:07End it now.
13:10Ow.
13:12Swammy Jude!
13:14Swammy Jude!
13:15Swammy Jude!
13:17Swammy Jude!
13:19Swammy Jude!
13:20Always eat a hot dog from one end or the other.
13:24The middle is not an option.
13:27Wow.
13:31Ten bucks says he falls.
13:33Ten says he jumps.
13:35You're on.
13:36Come on, dude!
13:38Jump!
13:39Fall, man.
13:40Fall.
13:40Go away!
13:48There are your stinking menus.
13:51I will be back for your order.
13:53Was she Russian last week?
13:55And grumpy?
14:02So, have you thought about what college you want to go to?
14:04Uh, the smaller, heavier one?
14:08Ha ha ha.
14:08That's funny.
14:09No, really.
14:10Uh, well, reality is like a boat.
14:13And, you know, boats float away, too.
14:15Ha ha ha.
14:17Yeah.
14:23Make it stop!
14:24Make it stop!
14:26All right.
14:27Next one who laughs wears my shoe home in their butt.
14:30Okay, I'm calling the fire department.
14:32We've got to get you down from there.
14:34No!
14:35If Serena sees them rescue me, she'll think I'm a total wuss.
14:38Wyatt, I think that ship has sailed.
14:40Why did you go up there?
14:42You know you're afraid of heights.
14:43I wasn't going to, but Caitlyn came along and motivated me.
14:47Caitlyn?
14:48Yeah, she started going on about this motivational swami,
14:51and before I knew it, I was motivated up this ladder.
14:55Jude!
14:57Do you know what you want to eat?
14:59Well, I was going to order the burrito,
15:01but a wise man once told me that that could be read
15:03as me being closed off to new ideas.
15:06Okay, then.
15:07What is your stinking order?
15:09I'll have the burrito.
15:11Taco salad.
15:13Oh, no!
15:15Oh, no!
15:16Life is like a taco salad, you know.
15:19How so?
15:20Uh, I don't know.
15:22I'll be right back.
15:26And monkeys are just like us, only dumber.
15:30So be nice to them.
15:33Swami, I need your help.
15:34Now!
15:35I'll be right back, loyal followers.
15:37Hey, private sessions are extra.
15:43So you just hide behind that bush and tell me what I should say.
15:46This is going to cost you.
15:47Bill me.
15:49Sorry, I had to make a phone call.
15:51An emergency?
15:52Uh, well, you know what they say about emergencies.
15:57Emergencies are like pantsuits.
16:00Nobody looks good in them.
16:01They're like pantsuits.
16:03Nobody looks good in them.
16:04Yeah, right.
16:05So, what kind of music do you like?
16:07I like it loud and radical, dude.
16:10I like it loud and radical, dude.
16:13Wow.
16:13I wouldn't have expected that from you.
16:16I guess I'm just a loud and radical kind of girl.
16:20Do you like working at the squeeze?
16:23Um...
16:23Ow!
16:23You're giving me a wedgie, dude!
16:26You're giving me a wedgie, dude!
16:29Whoa.
16:30Is that the time?
16:31Man, what is it with girls and ears today?
16:34Just move it.
16:35What are you doing?
16:36My client is paying good money for a private consultation.
16:40Your client has made a mess, and your swami's going to clean it up.
16:43Ow!
16:45Oof.
16:46I totally forgot.
16:47I have so many important things to do.
16:49Like what?
16:50Like important stuff.
16:52You know.
16:53Please don't go.
16:54I know I've been acting all weird, but it's only because I like you so much.
16:59Oh, I should never have listened to Jude.
17:02You mean that guy pretending to be a famous swami?
17:05He's just some skater dude that works at Stick It.
17:07Then you know I'm not crazy.
17:10Kooky, maybe, forever listening to him, but in a cute way?
17:14Yeah, in a cute way.
17:19Ah!
17:23What's the problem here, folks?
17:24You!
17:25Get down from that ladder!
17:26Well, that's kind of the problem, officer.
17:28He can't.
17:29Can't come down!
17:30Soldier!
17:30In war, we ate ladders like that for breakfast.
17:34I remember once we were trapped in a foxhole, and the enemy was throwing burning ladders
17:38at us.
17:38And all we could do was eat them.
17:40Our mouths were horribly burned.
17:42Hmm.
17:44So I don't want to hear, I can't come down from you, you little maggot!
17:48Ow!
17:49What's the big idea?
17:50It's thanks to you, Swami Jude, that Wyatt has stuck up this ladder.
17:53Swami Jude cannot be held responsible for the actions of his disciples.
17:58Zip it, or lose it!
18:00Use your wisdom to talk him down.
18:07Uh, make like you're at a disco and get down tonight.
18:12That is the stupidest advice I've ever heard!
18:14You stink, Swami Jude!
18:18Wait, don't go!
18:19He was only joking!
18:21The Swami has a great sense of humor!
18:25Thanks, Nikki.
18:26Bite me.
18:28All right, can you at least put on the Jumping Snails album until the fire department gets
18:32here?
18:32No way!
18:33That Jumping Snails album is total garbage.
18:37Have you listened to their lyrics?
18:39They're geniuses!
18:40You obviously missed the album's true message.
18:43Oh yeah, let me summarize.
18:44Wah, wah, wah, wah.
18:46You're nuts!
18:48The Jumping Snails are the cutting edge of new music.
18:50You need to listen to it again.
18:52Wyatt.
18:52What?
18:53You're off the ladder.
18:55No way!
18:56I'm off the ladder!
18:57I'm on the ground!
18:59I'm on the ground!
19:01Whoa, that was pretty smooth.
19:04I'm impressed.
19:06Caitlin's still on her date and following his advice.
19:09I'm gonna go check on her.
19:11Not bad, Nikki.
19:13I've got an opening for next week.
19:14Nikki, the no-nonsense guru.
19:17How about no?
19:22And then he ruined the entire store.
19:25That's funny.
19:29It was like something out of a movie.
19:38Now I find riding down the escalator to be relaxing, but it's not for everyone.
19:44Oh, we like relaxation.
19:46Is it like going to the spa?
19:48Close.
19:48Now follow me.
20:02So I guess the escalator wasn't the best choice for beginner skaters after all.
20:07With advice like that, it's no wonder I got fired.
20:09I had to give everyone their money back because of you.
20:12Sorry, dude.
20:14Guess I'm not much of a pretend swami.
20:16It worked out okay for me.
20:18I've got another date with Jeff tonight.
20:20Snap!
20:21You're just lucky no one got hurt following his stupid advice.
20:24We hate you, swami dude!
20:27Yeah, you suck!
20:29Well, almost nobody.
20:30We hate you, swami dude.
20:31We hate you, swami dude.
20:32We hate you.
20:32We hate you.
20:34We hate you.
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