- 13 minutes ago
First broadcast 15th December 2006.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Dara Ó Briain
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Dara Ó Briain
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, bally-ho, and welcome to the QI
00:11Christmas Party!
00:18So, now, joining me for warm white wine in the canteen this evening are the skinny geezer from accounts, Rich
00:26Hall.
00:30The scary woman from human resources, Jo Brand.
00:38The big guy from marketing with the goatee, Dara O'Brien.
00:46And, of course, the acting deputy director of humorous content transmission, South East Region, Alan Gagmeister-Davis.
00:58Let's hear, if we may, those seasonal bells.
01:01Jo goes...
01:02Dingle bells, dingle bells, dingle bells along the way.
01:06Ah, Dara goes...
01:08Sleigh bells, dingle and ringle, ringle, ringle, ringle, ringle, ringle.
01:13Rich goes...
01:14Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells on the way.
01:20Alan goes...
01:32Now, more than £20 billion gets spent in the UK each Christmas
01:38and a third of all books, clothes and toys are sold in the last eight weeks of the year.
01:45150 million Christmas cards get sent, 7.5 million trees are decorated
01:51and we buy enough wrapping paper to gift wrap Guernsey.
01:57So let's just take a few moments then together and try to remember
02:00why is Christmas Day on December the 25th?
02:04Ring, ring, ring-a-ding.
02:06And it's the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.
02:10Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.
02:13Well, I thought we'd get it out of the way.
02:15Yes.
02:16Is that a very, very small fire or are those huge stuff?
02:21It's a mid-winter solstice. It's a pagan festival that's been appropriated by Christianity.
02:26There is a great deal of truth in that.
02:27They'll get the points back.
02:29We'll certainly get some back.
02:31It was indeed. There's a Teutonic, Celtic and pagan view
02:35that if you've survived the winter solstice on the 21st of December
02:39and you have a feast to celebrate.
02:41But also, there was the Roman God.
02:44Was it Saturnalia?
02:45There was the Saturnalia. It was also at that time, yeah, but there was Mithras.
02:49Just the two of them were there?
02:50Well, there are amazing things claimed about Mithras and I'll read you some of them.
02:55He was a saviour, Mithras, sent to earth to live as a mortal
02:59through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life.
03:03He died for our sins but came back to life the following Sunday.
03:06He was born of a virgin on December the 25th in a manger or perhaps a cave,
03:10attended by shepherds and became known as the light of the world.
03:14He had 12 disciples with whom he shared a last meal before dying.
03:16His devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him.
03:19Because Mithras was a sun god, he was worshipped on Sundays.
03:22Is he a tribute band?
03:25He's often depicted with a halo around his head.
03:28And Mithras gave each other gifts on December the 25th.
03:31The leader of the religion was called a Papa
03:32and their HQ was on Vatican Hill in Rome.
03:36And you're kind of writing off the chance that this was just a massive coincidence.
03:41And then one day they all went to the Vatican and went,
03:44what? What? Ah, hang on.
03:47Well, a lot of Christian scholars have since been very angry at some of this research
03:51which came out in 1903 about Mithras and they claim it's nonsense.
03:54There's a few flaws though, aren't there?
03:57I mean, I've never heard a bloke go,
03:58oh, Mithras, when he's coming.
04:00Have you?
04:04No.
04:05You're right.
04:05I'm not sure that Christians would point to that as somehow a vindication of their religion.
04:12It's certainly true that there are dozens of religions in world mythology
04:15that have had visits by wise men,
04:18kings who've killed children to stop the new king being born.
04:22There's a great deal in Christianity that is traditional.
04:25And however wonderful people think the story is,
04:27it's frankly not original.
04:31This is an interesting direction to start your Christmas special with.
04:42There was the Yule Festival, which was a very...
04:46Where we get the log from.
04:47The Yule log.
04:49And you'll be coming home in an ambulance.
04:51Yay!
04:53Yule Brenner.
04:54Yule Brenner.
04:57You're lovely, you are.
05:00The nativity story in the Bible,
05:02probably because they couldn't find a hotel room they hadn't booked in advance.
05:05They should have known it would be busy.
05:08Because it's Christmas.
05:12Exactly.
05:18Does it explain, by the way,
05:19why Christmas is so very definite in the date?
05:22That, you know, 25th, bang, every year, same way.
05:24Whereas Easter is a random pin in a map.
05:29All these things were decided three, four, five, six hundred years after Christ.
05:33They had conferences and they decided that Christmas should be the 25th of December
05:36because there were thousands of people who were really celebrated on that date
05:41because that was Mithrath's Day.
05:43Yeah, and they still got All Saints Day and All Souls Day
05:45around by the time the people were celebrating.
05:47I don't think there's an Arsouls Day.
05:51You're in your liberal agenda.
05:53Yeah, sir.
05:57That's November the 1st, though, but it's called Hallows.
05:59Yes, exactly.
06:00But they're just tying into two, you know,
06:01old pagan rituals of, you know, the dead rising.
06:05Isn't it odd that Jesus' resurrection that day is arbitrary,
06:07but British bankers always know what day they're going to get off.
06:12You're right.
06:12You don't call them bank holidays.
06:14Every day is a bank holiday in America.
06:18Washington's birthday, is that a holiday?
06:19No, that's...
06:19That's lumped in with Lincoln and Elvis.
06:22Right.
06:24Fair enough.
06:26The memorial memorializes what?
06:28Uh, dead guys.
06:32Anyway, the 25th of December is the birthday of Mithras,
06:36the popular Roman sun god.
06:38The date was borrowed for Jesus, whose birthday is unknown
06:40and not mentioned in the Bible.
06:42And according to Islam, Jesus, who is a prophet in the Quran,
06:46of course, was born in the summer.
06:48And according to Jehovah's Witnesses,
06:50he was born on the 1st of October.
06:51Well, they saw it.
06:53Uh, presumably.
06:54Yes.
06:55Of course.
06:56There's no word Jehovah's Witnesses, you know.
06:59Of all people.
07:04He did not completely lose the facade that we're doing
07:07the Christmas festival.
07:10It's still right.
07:12Uh-huh.
07:13Absolutely.
07:15Now, about Christmases,
07:17what does the Queen do after Christmas lunch?
07:19I don't know.
07:30No!
07:31That's what everyone else does during the Queen's speech.
07:34Do they?
07:36They go for a walk.
07:38They go to church.
07:39Oh, hello.
07:41Oh.
07:43No, they go to church in the morning, definitely.
07:45It's in Mary Magdalene in Sandingham.
07:47But they've furnished us with remarkable details,
07:49I have to say, the royal family.
07:50Does that mean that somebody from the office
07:52is going to be tuning in to see how these details were handled?
07:54Yes.
07:54And I'd like to be thrilled at the sensitive way
07:57in which the Queen's Christmas Day has been described.
07:59So far, that's why I've been wriggling slightly.
08:03But just to get it out of the way,
08:04the answer is she goes in to the saloon
08:07and watches herself on television.
08:09On Christmas Eve, right,
08:11they gather in the white drawing room at Sandingham
08:13around a 20-foot Christmas tree
08:15cut from the Sandingham estate.
08:17And I want to add here, at the risk of being booed,
08:18that I get my tree from the Sandingham estate.
08:20Oh-ho!
08:22It's decorated by the Queen herself.
08:24Well, you're a tree.
08:25That's fine.
08:28Boo!
08:29Boo!
08:31Boo!
08:33My tree, no.
08:34Did she come round to do that?
08:35I bet you said they're out in the garden.
08:37No, do it out in the garden.
08:39At 5 p.m., the whole family has a cup of Earl Grey,
08:42except the Queen, who has her own Indian bed.
08:43Is it twinings?
08:45I hope so.
08:54This is turning into a massive embarrassment all round.
08:58They have sandwiches, cakes and scones.
09:00At 6 p.m.
09:01They open presents.
09:02This is Christmas Eve, remember?
09:05Why do they open presents on Christmas Eve?
09:07Because they're all f***ing mad.
09:10No, because they're all f***ing Germans.
09:14It's a German to do.
09:22They give each other practical presents.
09:24Yes, it turns out.
09:25The Queen is said to have been delighted.
09:27With a gun.
09:27With a...
09:29Oh, that's bloody brilliant.
09:33No.
09:34With a casserole dish and a gift-wrapped washing-up apron.
09:39Who gets one of those ones with tits on?
09:44After dinner, after Christmas Eve dinner,
09:46the Queen and the other female royals leave the room with the corgis.
09:49Prince Philip then serves port...
09:53Prince Philip then serves port or brandy to the male members of the royal family.
09:57Oh, for God's sake.
09:58Oh, that's tradition.
09:59That's tradition.
10:00If I told you this...
10:00No, they're wearing only loincloth.
10:03Exactly.
10:04If I told you this about an Aboriginal tribe,
10:05it's, oh, how interesting.
10:06So it's just...
10:07It's tribal behaviour.
10:08That's all.
10:09It's interesting, I think.
10:10They get stockings on Christmas morning.
10:12Prince Philip gets stockings.
10:14No.
10:15I'm serving the brandy.
10:17No.
10:17No, this is next morning.
10:19They all have...
10:19At the foot of their bed.
10:20He wears them all night.
10:23The family pulls crackers,
10:24but the Queen refuses to wear her paper party hat.
10:27And then at 3 p.m.,
10:29they go to the saloon to watch me on Christmas Day.
10:33We love them all,
10:34and we wish them well at this Christmas time.
10:36And talking of dysfunction at the Christmas time,
10:39what suffers most at the office Christmas party?
10:43I have to say,
10:46this is the photocopier from having so many arses on it.
10:49It's the right answer.
10:54Yep.
11:00I have to say,
11:01that was a long photo shoot for me.
11:03That was...
11:06There is a 25% increase
11:08in emergency call-outs
11:10around the two weeks leading up to Christmas.
11:13And Canon,
11:13they've done a survey about this,
11:15and it's absolutely astonishing
11:16how much people abuse their photocopies
11:19at Christmas parties.
11:20It's not just a myth.
11:21People really do it.
11:22Has the Queen got a photocopie?
11:25She uses a portrait artist
11:27whenever she needs anything duplicated.
11:29I want this page painted
11:31in half an hour.
11:33Two copies, A4.
11:36The rather splendidly named
11:38Canon engineer Jeff Bush
11:41says that he's had
11:42glass broken due to young ladies
11:43copying their rears.
11:45They've found sleeping cats
11:47inside the copiers,
11:48a snake,
11:49a kitchen knife,
11:49a sausage roll,
11:50a condom,
11:50stockings,
11:51a vibrator,
11:52and even a check
11:52for 6,000 pounds.
11:55Try that route.
11:56Put the cat in.
11:58Well, I can understand.
11:59A copycat.
12:00Yay!
12:07Maybe they lifted it up
12:08because there was a paper jam
12:09because somebody...
12:10Go in there,
12:11tiddles,
12:11and clear that up.
12:12Yeah.
12:14His little paws
12:15would get at the toner
12:16for after.
12:17It would get at the
12:18reach and tug at you.
12:19It is a peculiar thing
12:20to find.
12:20A snake is odder
12:21in a way.
12:22But maybe,
12:23do they send in the snake
12:24to clear out the cat?
12:25Is this...
12:27Technically, though,
12:28I think he can fax a snake.
12:33Merryness.
12:33Merryness at Christmas.
12:34Tell me about champagne.
12:35Who invented it?
12:36The French.
12:38In the champagne region.
12:41No.
12:42No, they didn't.
12:43The grape came from champagne,
12:44the champagne region.
12:45Are they Belgian?
12:46They were not the Belgian.
12:47Belgian monks?
12:48Germans.
12:48English.
12:49Yes, English.
12:50Just got that first.
12:55It was by accident.
12:57It was by accident
12:58because there was something
12:59wrong with the bottle
13:00and the wine went fizzy
13:01and they liked it.
13:02No, this was the myth
13:03that the French put out
13:03in the 19th century
13:05about Dom Perignon.
13:06They claimed that by accident
13:08it went fizzy
13:09and he said,
13:09come in, come in,
13:10everybody.
13:11I'm drinking the stars.
13:12And it's all absolute bollocks.
13:14It was the 16th century.
13:16The British started importing
13:17this green flat wine
13:19from the champagne region
13:20and they added sugar
13:21and molasses
13:22to make it sparkle.
13:23Everyone makes ginger beer
13:24because it's very fizzy.
13:26It's culture.
13:26I'm sorry.
13:28Who among these tables
13:29has ever made ginger beer?
13:31Haven't you?
13:33Yes, thank you.
13:35A surprising ally.
13:40And it multiplies, doesn't it?
13:42You can't get rid of the stuff.
13:43It's a culture.
13:44Like yoghurt.
13:44They should have a ginger beer episode
13:46on Doctor Who
13:47because it takes over
13:49the planet.
13:50They're like aliens.
13:54Moscow mules.
13:55Yes, ginger beer and vodka.
13:56You could have made
13:57your own Moscow mules.
13:58Oh, bollocks.
14:01That's a fine drink.
14:02Anyway,
14:03it's three times more pressure
14:05than in a car tyre
14:06inside a bottle of champagne.
14:07So you need a very strong glass
14:09and the British had the technology
14:10by that time.
14:1116th, 17th century
14:12we're getting to.
14:13And we had quite good corks
14:15but Don Perignon
14:16invented the wire cage
14:17to go over the cork
14:18and he also did the blending.
14:19Do you drink it?
14:20No, Guinness.
14:21Do you drink it?
14:22Guinness?
14:23No, no, no, no.
14:23I've served it a few times.
14:24I know how to pull it correctly
14:25which is a piece of information
14:27that hasn't transferred
14:28over here at all.
14:29What do you think?
14:30What do you think?
14:31You have to let it sit
14:32and let it go black
14:32and then you have to push it back
14:34so no more gas goes into it.
14:355 twelfths of an inch
14:36is the ideal head
14:38around the top.
14:39And if somebody
14:40paints a shamrock
14:41into it
14:42you're allowed to stab them
14:43in the eye with a fork.
14:50I remember working
14:51in a pub
14:51in the town of Gruppen
14:52and it was a very tough pub
14:54and they wouldn't
14:54take a Guinness off me
14:56until I'd been there
14:57for a while.
14:57Really?
14:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:58He doesn't know
14:59how to do it.
15:00Well, the pub I was in
15:03the pub I was in
15:04actually wasn't located
15:05in a movie from the 50s
15:07but...
15:13Is it not in the land
15:14with the bones
15:14and the little people?
15:15No, there wasn't.
15:17It's not so it wasn't.
15:18No surprise thing.
15:19I had to work
15:19just outside the land
15:20of the bars.
15:21You could look over the wall
15:23from where we were into
15:24where the tiny people
15:25tranced and danced.
15:28So, now,
15:29while we're on the continent
15:30which figure is essential
15:32to the Christmas crib
15:33in Catalonia?
15:37Is it Barry Norman?
15:40One of those wild stars
15:41in the dark
15:41and I would so love to say
15:42how amazing you're right
15:44but you're not.
15:45Is it a figure
15:46that we don't get in ours?
15:47It's a figure
15:48we don't get in our cribs.
15:49In the back
15:50of a Catalonian crib
15:51there is always
15:53a man squatting
15:54and defecating
15:55or a young boy
15:56and very often
15:57a public figure.
15:58In the middle
16:00inside the manger
16:01with baby Jesus.
16:03but it's true.
16:03It could be
16:04Barry Norman one day.
16:05It could be
16:05Barry Norman.
16:06It's so unlikely.
16:08They've had
16:08George W. Bush
16:09and they've had
16:10David Beckham.
16:10They have the crapper.
16:12He's called the
16:12Caggane.
16:14Caga.
16:14Caga is crap
16:16in Catalonian
16:17as it is in many
16:17other languages.
16:18Every crib
16:19has to have
16:19a great crapper.
16:21A true Catalonian crib
16:22will.
16:22Yeah, I know
16:22you're thinking
16:23I'm making this up.
16:24They are a very
16:24scatological people
16:25the Catalonians.
16:26They call that
16:27Christmas log
16:28the Cagatillo
16:29the shit log.
16:31And there's a
16:32popular Catalan phrase
16:33before eating
16:34they say
16:35Men jabe
16:35caga fort.
16:37Eat well
16:38shit hard.
16:41You've got
16:42the Catalan colours.
16:43I'm wearing Catalan colours
16:45but I'm not
16:46squirting out
16:47turds as I speak.
16:48Shit hard, Fry.
16:50Shit hard.
16:52Anyway,
16:53next question.
16:54Who got
16:54little leather boots
16:55for Christmas
16:56in Norfolk?
16:59Yes.
17:00The Norfolk
17:00Gemp.
17:04What's
17:04what he says
17:05in Norfolk
17:05Christmas fries?
17:06Bernard Matthews
17:08turkeys.
17:09Well, not his.
17:10Turkeys in Norfolk
17:11have a long, long history
17:12well before Mr. Matthews
17:14were going all the way
17:15back to the 16th century,
17:16the 1500s.
17:17Don't show them
17:17wandering around
17:18as if that's how
17:19they lived.
17:19That's how they did.
17:20They drove them.
17:20That's the point.
17:21They droved them.
17:22They don't now.
17:23They live in vast aircraft
17:24hangers pecking
17:25each other to death.
17:26They now live
17:27zapping under
17:28their vast bulbous
17:30amphetamine
17:30antibiotic-filled bodies.
17:32Sounds a bit
17:32like my house.
17:33Yes.
17:34But in the past
17:36they were taken
17:37from Norwich
17:37to London
17:38every year
17:39for Christmas time
17:40because the British
17:41habit of eating turkey
17:41for Christmas
17:42was as early
17:43as Queen Elizabeth's reign.
17:44Although they were
17:44first brought to Europe
17:45in 1520,
17:47by 1580s
17:48Norfolk and Suffolk
17:49farmers were droving
17:49thousands of them
17:50every year.
17:51We bred our own
17:53turkeys in Norfolk,
17:54the Norfolk black
17:55and the Holland white.
17:57Those turkeys
17:58were put on the Mayflower
17:59and when the Pilgrim Fathers
18:01arrived in America
18:02they ate turkeys
18:03that had been bred
18:03in England.
18:04They didn't catch turkeys
18:05on the coast of America
18:07but because their feet
18:08would go,
18:09ooh, awful,
18:09you know,
18:10so they gave them
18:11little boots.
18:11They do the same
18:12with geese.
18:13You can't shoe a goose,
18:14it's an old phrase,
18:15so they cover them
18:16in tar and sand
18:17so they could walk
18:17without hurting themselves
18:18and pigs,
18:20pigs would have
18:21little woolen boots
18:22with leather soles
18:23for the pigs.
18:24How nice.
18:25March them along.
18:26It's nice,
18:26except they're marching
18:26to their own death.
18:28Would you rather that
18:30or have them in Auschwitz?
18:31I'm not saying
18:32that this wasn't
18:32a better way
18:32to deal with them
18:33but I just wouldn't
18:34get too excited
18:34about how happy
18:35they should be
18:35to have their little
18:36present of a shoe.
18:38Sweet!
18:39Shoe!
18:40Where are we going?
18:46Are they online
18:47looking at,
18:47oh, visitlondon.com?
18:49Oh, I can't wait
18:49to see that.
18:50I think it might
18:51go in the eye.
18:52Yeah, I might.
18:53Well, I think
18:53they did a mile a day
18:54and they had
18:55a lovely time
18:56compared to
18:57the ones now
18:58which, as you say,
18:59live in these
18:59ghastly
19:00concentration camps.
19:01Why are they
19:01called turkeys?
19:02Because they're
19:02from Turkey.
19:04Do you think
19:04they're from Turkey?
19:05Is that where
19:05they're from?
19:08The first merchants
19:09to sell them on
19:10in Europe
19:11were Turkish.
19:12So they were
19:12known as turkey cocks.
19:13But the weird thing
19:14is everyone else
19:14calls them Indian.
19:15The French
19:15call it dand
19:16which is from
19:17and the Indies.
19:19The Polish
19:19call it indik.
19:20The Dutch
19:21call it calcun
19:22the Calcutta hen.
19:24The Austrians
19:24call it an Indian.
19:26The Turks
19:26call it a Hindi.
19:27In Hindi
19:27they call it
19:28a Peru
19:29Pakshi
19:29a Peru
19:30but the
19:31great
19:31original
19:31in America
19:33it's land
19:33of origin
19:34is
19:35fuck it.
19:38In
19:39Choctaw
19:40Oh
19:40right.
19:41And they've
19:42now changed
19:42it
19:42to
19:43a
19:44kankchaha
19:44tall chicken
19:46to avoid
19:46embarrassment.
19:47Anyway
19:48that brings
19:48us
19:49caroling
19:50into the
19:51mad hurly
19:51burly
19:51of general
19:52ignorance
19:52so fingers
19:53on bell
19:53buzzers
19:54and
19:54appropriately
19:54for the
19:55season
19:55all these
19:55will have
19:56a sacred
19:57theme.
19:58Now
19:58name a saint
19:59who comes
19:59from Ireland.
20:00Patrick.
20:01Oh
20:06He went to Ireland
20:07but he didn't come.
20:08None of the patron
20:09saints of Britain
20:09are from where
20:10they're supposed
20:10to be from
20:11are they?
20:12George is
20:12Palestinian.
20:13St. George.
20:13Yes.
20:14Patrick is Welsh.
20:15British certainly.
20:16He came from
20:16around the
20:17River Severn
20:17area.
20:18St. Bernard
20:18was from
20:19a shelter.
20:22But you must
20:23be able to
20:23name some genuine
20:24column kill
20:25St. Bridget
20:25St. Kevin
20:26St. Bridget
20:27Do you know
20:27what her
20:27great miracle
20:27was?
20:28She laid
20:28down a
20:29cape
20:29because she
20:29said I
20:30want some
20:30land to
20:31build a
20:31convent
20:32and said
20:32you can
20:32have
20:32whatever
20:33land
20:33your cape
20:34covers
20:34and she
20:34laid it
20:35down
20:35and the
20:35cape
20:36grew
20:36like
20:36ginger
20:37beer
20:37and
20:37everything
20:39until they
20:39taken over
20:40an entire
20:40field.
20:41That is
20:41one of her
20:42great miracles
20:42the other
20:42one
20:42was
20:43that
20:43she
20:43could
20:43transform
20:44her
20:44used
20:44bath
20:45water
20:45into
20:45beer
20:48Irish
20:48sort of
20:48miracle.
20:49wasn't taught
20:54in Glendalough
20:55in Wicklow
20:56and was like
20:56an Irish
20:57Francis of Assisi
20:57small animals
20:58would nest
20:59in his hand
20:59and rather than
21:00crush the fecker
21:01and get on
21:01with his day
21:03he would let the bird
21:04rest there
21:04and heal
21:05or whatever
21:06and he'd go
21:06please I've got
21:07stuff to do
21:09do you want to
21:09bring up any more
21:10of these scars
21:11of my childhood
21:11right here
21:12it is astonishing
21:13to imagine
21:14an education
21:15like that
21:15I will say
21:16this for a
21:16I do remember
21:18once going out
21:18with a lady
21:19who was raised
21:19atheist
21:20and an utter
21:22chore to walk
21:23around a gallery
21:23with
21:23they'd go
21:24who's the guy
21:24on the sticks
21:29is he the same
21:30guy who was
21:30in the shed
21:31earlier on
21:35who is
21:36Saint Bartholomew
21:38because I went
21:38in the museum
21:39in Venice
21:39and there was
21:40a painting of him
21:41and he's a spit
21:42of me
21:44I was a spit
21:45of him
21:45anyway
21:46it was a
21:46virtually full-sized
21:47picture and it
21:48was uncanny
21:48and a little bit
21:49frightening
21:49because he was
21:50only wearing
21:51a nappy
21:51and he'd been
21:52shot with an arrow
21:57his day
21:58is the 24th
21:59of August
22:00I know that
22:00that's
22:01Saint Bartholomew's
22:02day
22:02and there's
22:03obviously a famous
22:03hospital in London
22:04Saint Bartholomew's
22:05but he's probably
22:06the reason why
22:06they say
22:07always wear clean
22:07underwear
22:08in case you're
22:09in an accident
22:09because he had
22:10to go to A&E
22:11with an arrow
22:12and a nappy
22:13on
22:13and I had to
22:14sit in the way
22:15it's so long
22:15they named
22:16the hospital
22:16after
22:25a lot of them
22:26had arrows
22:26Saint Sebastian
22:26was a famous
22:27one to be shot
22:27with arrows
22:28maybe it was
22:29Saint Sebastian
22:29maybe it wasn't
22:30Saint Sebastian
22:30there is a
22:31Mantegna
22:31Saint Sebastian
22:32that does look
22:32not unlike you
22:33it has to be said
22:34do you know
22:34what I think
22:35it might be
22:35Saint Sebastian
22:36I think it was
22:36Saint Sebastian
22:37Saint Bartholomew's
22:38death was that
22:39he was flayed
22:39alive
22:40and most paintings
22:41of Saint Bartholomew
22:42have him with
22:42his skin draped
22:43over his arm
22:44his own skin
22:44no that wasn't
22:45him
22:45that wasn't
22:46him
22:48I've seen that
22:49statue in church
22:50I always used to
22:50think when I was
22:51a kid that he
22:51just had a sort
22:52of beige coloured
22:53coat
22:55his own skin
22:57anyway the
22:58patron saint of
22:58Ireland
22:59went to Ireland
23:00but didn't come
23:00from there
23:00he was kidnapped
23:01as a child
23:01sold into slavery
23:02to Ireland
23:03then when he
23:04went on to the
23:04continent
23:05became a monk
23:05he wanted to
23:06come back to
23:06Ireland
23:06to convert
23:07to Christianity
23:07and cast out
23:08snakes
23:09but who painted
23:10this behind me
23:11talking of
23:12Italian art
23:13oh no
23:14you're not
23:14going to get
23:14me now
23:15can I have a go
23:18can I have a go
23:18is it
23:19Jackson Pollock
23:23all right
23:24Michelangelo
23:25Michelangelo
23:25no no no
23:27my fingers
23:27are wrong
23:28they're wrong
23:28did he not
23:29do the fingers
23:30we could show
23:30it wider
23:31it's the creation
23:32of Adam
23:32there it is
23:32I've got it
23:33on my phone
23:34and you know
23:34what
23:34you're not
23:35supposed to
23:35take pictures
23:35but I took
23:36one like that
23:39no pictures
23:42no pictures
23:43Sebastiano
23:44oh tell it
23:45you in the nappy
23:50the Sistine Chapel
23:51is what we're
23:51looking at
23:52of course
23:52and he painted
23:53it round about
23:541511
23:55Michelangelo
23:56only about 40
23:57years later
23:58God and Adam's
23:59fingers fell off
23:59so the new
24:01plaster was put
24:01in and an unknown
24:02papal restorer
24:04actually painted
24:05them so those bits
24:06are not
24:06by Michelangelo
24:09it is one of the
24:10God and Adam
24:13oh for a laugh
24:15is that the undercoat
24:16it's the undercoat
24:17I am in a laugh
24:23very good
24:25so talking to
24:26great holy figures
24:27when did father
24:28Christmas die
24:29oh come on
24:31he's not dead
24:39well we know
24:40he's dead
24:40I hope all the
24:41children are in bed
24:43there are going to
24:44be some tears now
24:46we're talking about
24:47the father Christmas
24:48who we know is dead
24:48because we've seen
24:49his entry in the
24:51register of the dead
24:52in the church where
24:53he lived and grew up
24:54in Dedham
24:55in Essex
24:56we've actually seen
24:57he was an old man
24:58called Christmas
24:59it was his surname
25:00father Christmas
25:00there it's written
25:01I hope you can see it
25:02there and this girl
25:03from Essex
25:03called Laura Christmas
25:04exactly Christmas
25:06is a common surname
25:07in Essex
25:07so this poor father
25:09Christmas here
25:09died on May the
25:1030th 1564
25:13there was a Roger
25:14Christmas of Sussex
25:15in 1200
25:16the earliest Christmas
25:17found in British
25:18records
25:19there's still about
25:19a thousand people
25:20in the phone books
25:21called Christmas
25:21in Essex, Surrey,
25:23Cambridge, and London
25:23and Sussex
25:24I remember when I was
25:25a kid there was
25:26someone in the phone
25:26book called Mr.
25:28Bastard
25:29right
25:29yes
25:29and we used to
25:31phone him up
25:31and go hello
25:32is Dave there
25:33please
25:33and he'd go
25:33there isn't anyone
25:34here called Dave
25:35and we'd go
25:35oh there must be
25:36some other bastard
25:39surely
25:41you could come up
25:42with a good Christmas
25:43one to do
25:43well they used to
25:44ring up Jesus
25:45college
25:45who would call it
25:46up on Christmas
25:46day and say
25:47is that Jesus
25:47and the reporter
25:48would go yes
25:49happy birthday
25:50Dave
25:51they're really
25:52annoying
25:53very silly
25:56but anyway
25:56it was an old
25:57English habit
25:57to call people
25:58father
25:58father if you
25:59didn't know
25:59their name
25:59and they
26:00were an old
26:00man like
26:00father Smith
26:01and father
26:01William
26:02and he was
26:03known as
26:03father Christmas
26:03and that's
26:04how he's
26:04written in the
26:04book
26:05and it was
26:05before of
26:06course
26:06Santa Claus
26:07was known
26:07as father
26:08Christmas
26:08so it didn't
26:09obviously
26:09seem like a joke
26:11to them
26:11a bit of
26:11a bit of
26:11great
26:11his wife
26:12had been
26:12named
26:12Mary
26:13Merry Christmas
26:14Merry Christmas
26:16very good
26:17lovely
26:18lovely
26:18lovely
26:18there you
26:19are
26:21do you know
26:22where Santa Claus
26:22came from
26:23by the way
26:23it was a German
26:24thing
26:24not German
26:25no
26:25West
26:25Saint Nicholas
26:26the Saint
26:26Russia
26:27no
26:28Catalonian
26:28he's actually
26:29you've been a
26:32bad child
26:33this year
26:36no
26:36it's not
26:37Turkey
26:37Turkey
26:38is the right
26:38answer
26:39he was a
26:40Turkish
26:40steak
26:42and all that
26:43happiness
26:44ladies gentlemen
26:44it's time to
26:45go home
26:45so let's see
26:46what's in your
26:47party bag
26:47shall we
26:48oh my goodness
26:49me
26:49it's
26:49champagne
26:50for Dara
26:51with two
26:52points
26:57and it's
26:58Spanish
26:59brandy
27:00for rich
27:01with minus
27:01nine
27:07it's
27:08cooking
27:09sherry
27:09minus
27:10nine
27:11and it's
27:13cooking
27:13sherry
27:14for Joe
27:14brand
27:15with minus
27:15seventeen
27:21and with
27:22minus
27:23fifty
27:24three
27:24it's a
27:25it's a
27:26can of
27:27special
27:27brew
27:28and a
27:28train
27:29home
27:29for
27:29Alan
27:30Davis
27:38my
27:38very
27:39special
27:39spicy
27:40mold
27:40thanks
27:41to
27:41rich
27:42Dara
27:42Joe
27:42and Alan
27:43and I
27:43leave you
27:43with this
27:44seasonal
27:44mince pie
27:45from the
27:45great
27:45black
27:46American
27:46comic
27:46Dick
27:47Gregory
27:47I never
27:48believed
27:49in
27:49Santa
27:49Claus
27:49because
27:50I
27:50knew
27:50no
27:51white
27:51dude
27:51would
27:52come
27:52into
27:52my
27:52neighborhood
27:53after
27:53dark
27:54fuck
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