- 1 day ago
First broadcast 17th December 2004.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Phill Jupitus
Mark Steel
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Phill Jupitus
Mark Steel
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and a hearty ho ho ho, ring my chimes and call me
00:07tawdry, happy QI Christmas to you all. Yes, it's us again, by which I mean, the deep Mark Steele, the
00:15crisp Rich Hall, the even Phil Dupitous, and the snowbound layabout Alan Davis.
00:24Thank you. Positive music, I should conduct you in. Rich.
00:35And my book.
00:40Oh, and Phil.
00:49And Alan.
00:56What's Crocodile Dundee doing in the third round?
01:00I've got a leather hat, I've got him, yeah.
01:05And to keep it seasonal, Jesus is here, how much more Christmassy can you get?
01:19Here's a question for you. What makes a festive balloon like this go up?
01:24Helium.
01:25That's the right answer, two points.
01:28And what's it do to your voice?
01:29Makes it go higher pitched if you inhale it.
01:34It doesn't make your voice go up. No, it doesn't go up in pitch at all. It's the timbre that
01:39changes.
01:39The timbre?
01:40The timbre.
01:41That's a stamp, isn't it?
01:43That's a stamp, isn't it?
01:45We wanted to give you all some helium to show it by having you sing, but I've got the three
01:50worst words in the English language to offer you.
01:53Health.
01:53Health and f***ing safety.
01:54It's four words.
01:55It's four words.
01:57But I'm afraid health and f***ing safety wouldn't let us do it on television.
02:01What did they think could possibly happen?
02:03Either way?
02:03No, it's, it's, it's...
02:07Exactly.
02:08It's not a poisonous gas, for heaven's sake.
02:09You dive, don't you?
02:11Yes.
02:11You breathe compressed air for scuba diving.
02:14Yeah, but it's oxygen and helium.
02:15For deep sea diving, that is.
02:17So why didn't Jacques Cousteau, when he was always on The World of Bats, go,
02:20We have been on the East to see and then...
02:22It's his real voice.
02:23Isn't it like Bob Robeson?
02:24We have been...
02:25There is a gas you can breathe, it's called xenon, which is, I think, one of the inert gases, where
02:30you do actually go John Wayne-like when you...
02:33Freon is like that also.
02:34Freon does that, does it?
02:35Refrigerate.
02:35Yeah, you can suck the back out of a refrigerator and your voice will be much lower.
02:39You get it all the time as kids.
02:40Did you, did you not?
02:44Is this what, maybe, if you're on East Indus, every character has to have this before they start doing a
02:49bit?
02:49Oh, not that!
02:50And then they go,
02:51We've got a tool!
02:56And that's what all the optics are, behind the bar.
02:59Yes.
02:59For a rich character.
03:01Piggy!
03:03Piggy!
03:05Yes, the fact is, sound travels faster in helium, which increases the frequency, but not the pitch.
03:11It's time for crackers, you've each got one. Alan, why don't you pull yours with Phil and whoever wins can
03:16read out the riddle.
03:17Oh!
03:19Why is the emperor penguin like Santa Claus?
03:25Kids love them!
03:28I can't get enough of either.
03:30Big fella with presents, funny bird.
03:32Which one's Santa there?
03:34I like the one on the left, he's not trying to.
03:36This is good.
03:38Scientists give ecstasy to one penguin.
03:46And impec.
03:49Well, I can tell you the answer is, they both come once a year.
03:56Emper penguins have a really tragic, you can see how sad they look there.
04:00They have a pretty tragic sex life.
04:02The male gets ten seconds of ejaculation, and then has to spend two months at the freezing south pole, incubating
04:09an egg, while the wife goes off to eat fish and things like that.
04:12It comes for ten seconds.
04:14Yeah.
04:15What noise do they make?
04:17They sound a little like Angela Rippon.
04:20Good evening, and this is the news.
04:22Yeah, that's all I say.
04:23It's unusual.
04:24And finally!
04:27The only animal.
04:28The only animal.
04:28This just in!
04:29Oh!
04:33So, Aristotle believed that you should always make love facing the north, because the strong icy winds from the north
04:42helped conception and made for strong babies, apparently.
04:45Ew!
04:46Who should be facing the north?
04:49Most.
04:50Most.
04:50Both facing the north.
04:51Well, I mean, surely, it's usual.
04:54You don't do it like that, do you?
04:56Or like that?
04:58Oh, I see!
04:59Like that!
05:00Ah!
05:01How many a man will hear his wife questioning, is that a compass between my shoulder blades?
05:08Hang on.
05:09Hang on, dear.
05:10Hang on, dear.
05:11I'll have to finally make your orient here.
05:14I've got the wife at Magnetic North, does it have to be...
05:18Well, could you get your Aristotle out and have a look for me?
05:21You can use GPS these days.
05:23It's so much easier.
05:24Plus if you're doing it in the Jag.
05:26You can just...
05:26Exactly!
05:33Now, Christmas is often an excuse for a large, manly cigar.
05:36If you want to take up smoking, but you want to increase your life expectancy by about eight years, what
05:45should you do?
05:46There is a way you...
05:48Take up smoking eight years later than you were going to.
06:00Move to Siberia.
06:02Yeah?
06:03Because the life expectancy there is longer.
06:05And also, it's one of the last places on Earth where you can still f***ing smoke.
06:11That's a good answer.
06:12That's a very good answer.
06:14Let's put it this way.
06:15Smoking, according to most anti-smoking scientists, might shave off five years of your life.
06:20But there is something you can do, something I could do, something all of us could do, which would increase
06:24our life expectancy by 13 years.
06:27Get married.
06:28Shut up talking.
06:28Not get married.
06:29No, not shut up.
06:30Become women.
06:31Not quite as extreme as that.
06:33Just cut off the testicles.
06:34Yes, is the answer.
06:35No, eunuchs.
06:37No, eunuchs.
06:38I'd rather die eight years sooner.
06:42So there we are.
06:43That's the answer.
06:43The beneficial side effects of castration can increase your life expectancy by 13 years, which comfortably outweighs the mere five
06:49years which a 20-a-day habit is supposed to take off your life on average.
06:53Other good things about being castrated are you don't get bald or suffer from acne, so it's easier to pull.
06:58But talking of traditional Christmassy objects, what did Italian barbers do with 8,000 balls every year?
07:09Increase their life expectancy by 32,000 years.
07:14Were they, because barbers, they've got a cutthroat razor, were they in the castrating business on the side?
07:21It was a castrating game, and there were that many castrations between the 16th century and the mid-19th century
07:26for castrati, for singing.
07:284,000 Italian eight-year-olds every year.
07:31Eight-year-olds?
07:32Eight-year-olds, yeah.
07:32And now, is that their choice or is that pushy parentage?
07:34They're pushy parentage.
07:36But they can become incredibly rich and successful.
07:38The most recent one was a fellow called Maresco.
07:41We have him on record.
07:42Can we hear a little bit of Maresco, who died in 1922, was the last of the papal castrati?
07:46.
07:54This is the sound of the actual operation.
07:56.
07:59In a minute you hear, .
08:03But certainly Faradeli, did you ever see that film about Faradeli?
08:06He could sing from a C-3 down there.
08:11.
08:11Ooh, I did it.
08:12.
08:13Up to a .
08:14It's almost like that musicals.
08:16Can you hear those two?
08:19.
08:20.
08:20.
08:20.
08:20.
08:21.
08:21.
08:25.
08:27.
08:51.
08:52.
08:53.
08:57Name one of the animals present at the birth of Jesus.
09:00Donkey.
09:01Donkey?
09:10Camel, there must be a camel.
09:12A camel egg?
09:13No.
09:14Oh dear, oh dear.
09:16No.
09:17Cow?
09:17A cow?
09:18Yeah.
09:19Whoa.
09:22Sheep.
09:23Sheep, eh?
09:26Piling all the points.
09:28Were there no animals?
09:29Ah, well done.
09:30You saved yourself 50 points.
09:31He was born in a stable full of animals.
09:33I've seen it in the nativity models.
09:35Ah, yes.
09:36But in fact, the first nativity crib wasn't until over a thousand years.
09:401200 years after the birth of Christ.
09:42There's no reference whatsoever to animals of Christ.
09:45But there's just one reference in Luke to Christ being laid in a manger.
09:48And so people have assumed it may have been a stable, but there's absolutely no evidence
09:53otherwise whatsoever.
09:54But you can get a point if you can tell me who it was who came up with the first
09:57crib
09:57with animals in 1223 young.
10:01About a thousand years ago, 1223.
10:02Thomas Aquinas.
10:03When was he?
10:03Not Thomas Aquinas, no, but certainly a saint.
10:06Saint Francis.
10:07Saint Francis of Assisi.
10:08Quite right.
10:09That's worth more than eight points.
10:10Ah, it is.
10:11Have five.
10:11Do you know what?
10:12I'm sort of, I don't mind religion in a way really, because what I love is that thought
10:15for the day that comes on on the radio in the morning.
10:18Because all they do, they do whatever's on that day's news and they just crowbar Jesus
10:22in.
10:23Yes.
10:23Somehow, so they have some vicar saying something.
10:25As the continuing row about A-level testing seems to rumble on and on and on.
10:29Isn't that a little bit like Jesus?
10:33Well, although Jesus didn't have to do A-levels, he certainly did have to do tests.
10:39When he went into the wilderness, wasn't that God's way of saying, you may turn over
10:43your papers and begin there?
10:46Brilliant.
10:47In America, they just milk it in ads at Christmas.
10:50Everything is auto-light, the spark plug Jesus would have used.
10:57Uh, St Francis in the town of Grecio, he put down some hay and some little toy oxen
11:03and asses.
11:04That was the start of it all.
11:05Now, what do we know about the Magi?
11:10They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.
11:15Are they tribesmen, like the Jedi?
11:18Um, well I mean, everyone is a tribesman of some kind.
11:21Uh, I did an interview with the president of Uganda.
11:24And, uh, I don't know why you find that so amusing.
11:29Why is that funny?
11:30No other person could say that and get away with it.
11:32Well I did, so that.
11:34Anyway.
11:35Anyway, there we are in Kampala.
11:36And one thing he got rid of in Uganda was excessive sectarianism.
11:40And I asked him this question, and I said, you yourself are Ugandan.
11:44He said, yes I am, what tribe are you?
11:46And it's an absolutely right point.
11:47I would say my tribe would be probably Essex.
11:51Essex?
11:52Yeah.
11:53Cherokee.
11:54Cherokee?
11:55Do you have Cherokee in there?
11:56Part Cherokee, yeah.
11:57Brilliant.
11:57When you said about interviewing the president of Uganda, that reminded me,
12:00someone told me that they were in the same office as David Frost.
12:04They walked into the office just as David Frost picked up the phone and said,
12:08Boutros.
12:09Boutros, how the devil are you?
12:12No, this is, this is my story.
12:14What was it?
12:15No, no.
12:17It's weird.
12:18This is weird.
12:19I've done that one now.
12:20You're going to tell us if we're at the birth of Christ in a minute.
12:24I was actually there at the beginning of what we might call today.
12:27No.
12:27I was interviewing the Virgin Perry.
12:29No, I did one of his Sunday morning programs where he was supposed to look at the papers
12:33of David Frost.
12:34And behind, I heard this other guest come in.
12:36I didn't know who else was in.
12:37It was a Sunday morning, for God's sake.
12:38I was barely alive.
12:39But I heard the voice behind me, Boutros, Boutros.
12:42Ooh, he's a pleasure.
12:45Which is, I hear that story.
12:46What?
12:48He's fantastic like that.
12:49I hope he wants another, just to make you laugh at me again.
12:51But I happened to be at the Fourth of July party.
12:53The American ambassador was holding it to his house in Reading's Park.
12:59Steve, Steve, you've got to tell us.
13:01Ferrero Rocher, as far as I can see.
13:05But, again, I was talking to David Frost, and Tony Blair won't pass.
13:10And David Frost threw out a hand and went,
13:12Beloved.
13:15That was fantastic.
13:17Beloved.
13:19He was, and he said to someone who's written a book,
13:22says, I gather you've written a book.
13:24He behoves us.
13:25We're all beho...
13:26He behove us.
13:27He be rollover behoven.
13:30However, probably enough frosty stories.
13:33The Magi, then.
13:34There we are.
13:35So, yeah, the Magi, the Magi,
13:36we hoped you might fall into the trap of suggesting that they were three wise men.
13:40And that is not what they are.
13:41They were Persian or Zoroastrian priests.
13:44And what's myrrh?
13:45What did they really bring?
13:46Myrrh's loyal.
13:47Is it good for babies?
13:48It's expensive and rare,
13:49and whether it's good for babies or not, it's used in anointing.
13:52Of course, six days after he was born,
13:53a week after he was born,
13:54he had to have the old snip while we were on the subject, didn't he, Jesus?
13:57The Feast of Circumcision, is it just called?
13:59An Italian barber, tipped up.
14:01It wasn't, though.
14:01Jesus was not...
14:02Would you allow me to cut anything else?
14:04No.
14:05I could make him sing.
14:08Just...
14:09Jesus had to be rich.
14:09He could be rich.
14:12Even now, if you want, Mary,
14:13look at you in his shitty stable.
14:15You're so lucky there is no animals here.
14:20It would be worse.
14:22A strange verse of Stoke Newton Greek expression here.
14:27That's my random Southern Mediterranean.
14:30And it's very...
14:31It works well.
14:32It works well.
14:33It's been you by all these years.
14:35Well, according to the enfeebled adults
14:37who run the General Synod of the Church of England,
14:39magi is a word which discloses nothing about numbers, wisdom or gender.
14:43It's generally been assumed that there were three of them
14:45because they brought three gifts,
14:47but it's quite possible there were four
14:48and one forgot to get a present to do after the other shops were told.
14:51Anyway, they could have been women, apparently.
14:53I liked your use of enfeebled dolts.
14:56Thank you, thank you.
14:57One thing we do know about the magi, don't we,
14:59is that they all went their separate ways afterwards
15:01because they'd heard tell of Herod
15:03and how angry he was about this.
15:05But what do we know of Herod's wife?
15:07In other words, what was the name of Herod's wife?
15:11What is this?
15:13Mrs Herod.
15:14Oh, I was not going to say you're predictable, but my goodness me.
15:22No, we want her given name.
15:24They didn't use Mrs.
15:26Judea.
15:27Maria, Sylvia, Jane, Michelle, Mary.
15:30Fortunately, we haven't got all those up.
15:32Beyonce.
15:33It's nearly that odd.
15:35It's nearly that odd.
15:36Donna.
15:37Yvonne.
15:38Denise.
15:39No.
15:39Donna.
15:41Diana.
15:42Donatella.
15:43Donatella.
15:43No, no, forget the N.
15:45Dor.
15:46Dor.
15:47Dor is a good beginning.
15:48Dorothy.
15:49Dorothea.
15:50Doroth.
15:51Que sera, sera, sera.
15:53Doris, Doris.
15:53Doris, thank you, Doris.
15:55Doris Herod?
15:56Yes.
15:58I know.
15:59It's a surprise.
16:00Her name was Doris.
16:02He's been out all night killing babies, I'm telling you.
16:06He comes back in here,
16:07he comes with a foot in the blood of the innocents.
16:09I am not watching that clock.
16:14Everard!
16:17Doris.
16:18Good.
16:18A lot of mileage to be had out of poor Herod's wife.
16:20She was indeed called Doris.
16:22Doris!
16:22It's a Greek name.
16:24To our ears, it is a bit funny.
16:27Did you find the messiah because he's a very naughty boy?
16:33Oh, King Herod and King Doris.
16:35There they are.
16:36How do you say it in Greek, though?
16:38I wouldn't say Doris.
16:39Probably a slight hint of...
16:41Can you do a Greek pronunciation of Greek things?
16:45Stachdorochios, if you want.
16:46Is it ashtray, for example?
16:47Oh, you mean ancient Greek?
16:48Ancient Greek, yeah.
16:49It wasn't the same sort of Greek.
16:50They weren't walking around in togas up the Parthenon
16:53and that philosophising going,
16:54I wonder whether the sun go round the earth
16:56or is it the other way round, don't they?
16:59He did.
17:00It's been puzzling me all night about a triangle
17:03and whether these are like the angle.
17:05They all are the same on the different angle
17:07compared to that one up there.
17:08It's the same, innit?
17:10That was Pythagoras.
17:11Put these vegetables on that skewer and shut up.
17:15My grandfather used to call Pythagoras Peter Gores
17:17because he was Hungarian, my grandfather.
17:19He said, ah, you go to school,
17:21you'll learn about Peter Gores.
17:23And I was thinking, this is Peter Gores.
17:24And I came up and he said, did you do the Peter Gores?
17:27I said, no, we've not done any Peter Gores.
17:30I said, go ask your mathematics teacher,
17:32he says, you must do the Peter Gores.
17:34And I said, are we going to do Peter Gores?
17:36I said, shut up, I will just...
17:39Years later, I discovered he meant Pythagoras.
17:42He used to pronounce pineapple upside-down cake.
17:45Piniople opsi de dovne zorka.
17:51I just wanted to move on
17:52because my mom's name is Doris.
17:56Oh, there you are.
17:58It is.
17:59After, or named for, as you said in America,
18:01named for Doris Day?
18:02No, no, no, no.
18:04It was given to her by the president of Madagascar,
18:10No, it's not a cracker question.
18:12So it must be Phil's turn.
18:13Oh, Lordy.
18:14Oh!
18:15Hey!
18:17How many heads did Jesus' granny have?
18:22Maternal or paternal?
18:24Well, if you think about it,
18:26he only had a maternal grandmother
18:27because his father wasn't Joseph,
18:30so he had his mother's mother,
18:32but he didn't have a father's mother.
18:33Right, that's what I thought in men.
18:35Oh, that's what I thought in men.
18:35Ah, yeah.
18:36So not as stupid as...
18:37Oh, no, you're not even...
18:38No, you're not.
18:39You couldn't be.
18:39How many...
18:40No, I mean...
18:41No.
18:45I couldn't sink as low as Stephen's expectations are.
18:49Oh, no, no, not at all at all.
18:51His mum's mum had how many heads?
18:55One head.
18:59Well, his mother's mother was St Anne,
19:01and rather oddly, she had seven.
19:05On the authority of the church, she had seven,
19:07because for hundreds of years during the Middle Ages,
19:09her heads were proudly on display simultaneously
19:12at Lyon, Abt, Aix-la-Chapelle and Chartres in France,
19:16in Bologna, in Sicily, and in Turin, in Germany.
19:20And so she must have had seven
19:21because the church recognised them all.
19:23Good. Time for another question, then.
19:25How is it possible to die and come back to life after three days?
19:31Cryosthenics.
19:35I sort of know what you're saying there.
19:37Yes, cryogenics.
19:39Yeah.
19:41I nearly said calisthenics.
19:44It's a mixture when you do exercises
19:45while you're frozen in suspension.
19:48Cryo, what was it?
19:50Cryogenics.
19:51Well, yeah, they're freezing people, yeah.
19:52Where they freeze you and bring you back to life.
19:54Well, no, what you want to be is a water bear,
19:56which has another rather sweet name, which is a tardigrade.
19:59There's one.
20:00Is that it?
20:00Oh, yes.
20:01That's not a bear.
20:03No, it's the Sydney Opera House.
20:07It really is a Sydney Opera House.
20:08It is, isn't it?
20:09You can see where you got the idea from.
20:11No, they're not very big.
20:12I mean, you can see them with the naked eye.
20:13That's magnified.
20:15We've done all kinds of nasty things to them.
20:17We have boiled them, frozen them, poisoned them,
20:19suffocated them, dehydrated them,
20:20and bombarded them with radioactivity.
20:23And still they live.
20:24They just put themselves into suspended animation
20:25in such a state without any metabolism going on
20:28until things turn out nicely for them.
20:29That's not a very nice way to treat a bear.
20:32No.
20:33It certainly isn't.
20:35I've been bombarded with radiation, boo-boo,
20:37and they're frozen me apparently.
20:39I'm going to beat them for a thousand.
20:41Oh, yogi, yogi.
20:45Well, in fact, tardigrade has been frozen
20:47to within one degree of absolute zero.
20:49I thought you were going to say
20:50to within an inch of their life.
20:53This is freezing with an inch of your life.
20:55Would you have that as a superpower if you could?
20:58What would your superpower be of choice?
21:01Invisibility.
21:02Really?
21:03Would you?
21:04I'd be grateful.
21:04What would you like?
21:05I'd like to have no bodily smell.
21:17I would like to travel ahead in time,
21:20but only by two seconds.
21:24I'd go gesundheit and you would sneeze.
21:27You would really freak people out, wouldn't you?
21:30That's a very funny idea.
21:32We must have another question.
21:33Another cracker question.
21:37So, right, well, I'll read out what it says.
21:39It says, where's like the coolest place in the universe, man?
21:44Venus.
21:45You've deliberately chosen the planet the second nearest to the sun.
21:49The coolest place in the universe.
21:52You meant Venus in the winter.
21:55Let them tune.
21:57Count the market.
21:59Well, it says you're much, much nearer than you were with Mercury,
22:02because it's on Earth.
22:03Oh!
22:03The freezer.
22:04No, when you get much colder.
22:06The coldest you can go is minus 273 centigrade,
22:09which is known as absolute zero or zero Kelvin.
22:11And then everything stops.
22:13And even the universe is three degrees above absolute zero,
22:15because it still has some of the heat left over from the Big Bang.
22:18Even the coldest reaches of it.
22:19Everything stops.
22:21Yeah, there's nothing.
22:22Can't get any colder.
22:23You can't get it.
22:24Yes, you can't get a bus.
22:25You can't get a dentist appointment.
22:27So where might it be absolute zero?
22:30Well, the scientists have managed to create a big bar,
22:32a huge one-tonne metal bar,
22:35which is just a fraction of a degree above absolute zero.
22:39Is it ironically in the middle of the desert?
22:41Well, it's actually a very hot place indeed.
22:43It's in Louisiana, yes.
22:44In Battle Rouge, the State University of Louisiana.
22:46There's bound to be one scientist
22:48who goes in with the big iron bar one day.
22:57It's rank!
22:59And then suddenly he'll be like,
23:00whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!
23:02And it's locked at you.
23:04Oh, not again!
23:07No way!
23:09You can't resist it, can you?
23:11The only chance there's something else as cold in the universe
23:14is if it's been created by an alien intelligence
23:16in some other part of the universe.
23:17Now, fingers on the buzzers for another round of general ignorance.
23:21No, no, I don't want to do general ignorance.
23:23Why not?
23:24Because I always get them wrong
23:25and I will not be humiliated at Christmas.
23:29Well, you don't know anything, that's the problem.
23:31Well, you have all the answers,
23:34so there's no point telling me I don't know anything.
23:36Well, you think it's easy for me, do you?
23:38Yes, I think it's quite easy for you.
23:41All right.
23:41Why don't you sit here and I'll sit there.
23:46Go on.
23:48Go on.
23:49I was only having a chance.
23:51Yeah, well, it's Christmas.
23:53It's traditional at Christmas time
23:55for servants to be served by the master.
23:59Everything swaps round.
24:00Go on, sit on.
24:01Oh, it's easy now.
24:03You see, just lounge back and talk to Phil.
24:08OK, Stephen.
24:10Oh, yes.
24:12Oh, hello.
24:13I've been waiting for this opportunity.
24:16Oh, Christ.
24:16A question just for Stephen.
24:18Yes.
24:19Who plays in goal for Aston Villa?
24:27Well, I do know you've got a Swede called Thomas Sorensen
24:29who plays in goal, but has he been taken over by Stefan...
24:33Postman?
24:34Postman, yes.
24:34Postman, yes.
24:35Which is...
24:38Which is your number one?
24:42Thomas Sorensen's the number one.
24:43Oh, Sorensen's the number one.
24:43It's actually Danish, but I'll give you that.
24:46Yes, you played against England.
24:48Yes.
24:48This isn't...
24:50This isn't going to work.
24:52OK.
24:52No, it just happens with it.
24:54Another question for Stephen.
24:57Oh, no.
24:57You probably all know this one.
25:00What was Mozart's middle name?
25:05This is going to be a trick question, isn't it?
25:07Well, I don't know.
25:08You're the smarty pants.
25:12Oh, bollocks.
25:13I have to hurry you.
25:14Well, it's...
25:15You want me to say Amadeus, so I'll say Amadeus.
25:18Oh!
25:23Wolfgang.
25:23His full name was Johan Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.
25:29He usually called himself Wolfgang Ahmad, not Amadeus.
25:33Oh.
25:33Or Wolfgang Gottlieb.
25:34This question for Stephen Fry.
25:38What?
25:39How many states of matter are there?
25:41Oh, hello.
25:42Well, if you count plasma, I suppose four.
25:46Oh!
25:50Four is wrong.
25:52Six.
25:53I'm surprised at you, Stephen.
25:55Oh.
25:56It's printed down, isn't it?
25:58They are, of course, solid, liquid, gas, plasma,
26:02Bose-Einstein condensate, and fermionic condensate,
26:05sometimes known as filament.
26:10Just done.
26:12This, er...
26:13This question is for Stephen Fry.
26:15Whoa.
26:16Alan Davis hunched in front of his pub trivia machine.
26:19That's a good one.
26:20I'll add that.
26:21I'll add that.
26:22Which way does the bathwater go down the plug hole
26:24in the northern hemisphere?
26:26Whichever way you want it to.
26:28You can push it to go one way and push it to go the other.
26:30I've tried it.
26:33Oh.
26:39Yeah, that's true.
26:42Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?
26:44I'm pushing it to go one way.
26:47I'm pushing it to go the other.
26:48I'm the master of the bathwater.
26:53OK.
26:53What do penguins in the Falkland Islands do when RAF jets fly over them?
27:00Fry, Cambridge!
27:07They look up and fall over, topple over, backwards.
27:10Really?
27:10Yeah.
27:11Hey!
27:12See, it's strong!
27:14Oh, Fry, you idiot.
27:21They walk away from the noise.
27:24The idea that they watch the jets going overhead and then fall backwards is...
27:28...is an urban myth.
27:31This one, for everyone.
27:34What kind of animal is sacred in India?
27:38Do not say cow!
27:41Do not say cow!
27:44Do not say cow!
28:00That's my hint.
28:00That is cow icons, cow statues, and no temples to cows.
28:04Good.
28:04Cows are one of the few animals that are not the object of worship in India.
28:08There you are.
28:09Well done.
28:10Do you want me to wrap up?
28:11Yeah, why don't you...
28:11I'll wrap up.
28:12All right.
28:13Well done.
28:14I hate to see what the score is.
28:16Well done.
28:18Well done.
28:23Well, on that extraordinary note, let's look at the scores.
28:28In first place, with a very proud and impressive seven points, is Rich Hall.
28:36In second place is Mark with two points.
28:40Phil is third with minus three.
28:46Alan has minus 52.
28:52But unfortunately, our runaway loser is Stephen on minus 56.
29:03So, from Rich Mark, Phil, Alan, and myself, and from all of us at QI, hope you enjoy the rest
29:09of the Christmas holiday.
29:11Have a brilliant New Year, and we'll see you again very soon.
29:14Good night.
29:15Happy Tuesday.