- 8 hours ago
First broadcast 17th December 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Rob Brydon
Jimmy Carr
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Rob Brydon
Jimmy Carr
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we're gallivanting round the globe with G for
00:14Geography, and joining me from the four corners of the earth are the king of the jungle, Jimmy Carr,
00:24the queen of the desert, Joe Brand, the prince of Port Talbot, Rob Brydon, and the man in the moon,
00:43Alan Davis.
00:49So, with that in mind, let's hear their global warnings, Jimmy goes, Rob goes, Joe goes, and Alan goes,
01:12Forties, Cromartie, Norfolk Sierra, South of Sierra, Chingford, Loughton, Woodford Green, mainly poor, veering strangely, minus 75, occasionally rock all.
01:26Quite, now, tell me, what ruins over 300,000 British car journeys each year?
01:34Radio 1.
01:36Very good, very good, 300,000 British car journeys.
01:41Is it kids in the back going, oh, we're naming there, yeah, and you go, no, put the hood back
01:46on your head.
01:49What's this do?
01:50Oh, I'm sorry, you were barely warmed up.
01:53The sat-nav sending you down onto a field.
01:57Basically, you are right, 300,000 insurance claims for serious road traffic incidents or accidents are put down to sat
02:05-nav these days.
02:06Sat-nav, we were in the car, my girlfriend genuinely said, where would we be without sat-nav?
02:12Thanks for that, love.
02:12That's very good.
02:14Well, there was a touring acting group whose pink Mercedes van, they had to be rescued off the roof of
02:19it by helicopter because the sat-nav basically directed them down into a Ford.
02:24Yeah, but how much of a div would you have to be to actually see it ahead of you?
02:29Well, it might have been night, they're in the countryside, you go down a lane and the lane turns out
02:33to be...
02:34But she's quite good these days, because cars have got headlights.
02:38It's a fair voice.
02:39She's got a very persuasive voice.
02:41She has.
02:42I call her my navigatrix.
02:46I've had an idea.
02:47I know this isn't Dragon's Den, it's QI, but I've had an idea.
02:49Yeah, go on.
02:49Which is you get sat-nav, yeah, but you print it out into a booklet that you can just flick
02:54through.
02:56What would you call it?
02:57Uh, what?
02:59Sat-less.
03:00A sat-less?
03:01A sat-less.
03:02What I don't like about sat-nav is when it interrupts the radio, you'll be listening to a very nice
03:08thing on the radio, maybe a play or something.
03:11Yes.
03:11And the voice, of course, cuts over the radio, always at a crucial moment.
03:16So you'll be getting to the climax of the play.
03:18And I tell you, David, the reason that we never had children is turn left in 40 minutes.
03:25There should be quite a lot of voiceovers generally.
03:27Yes, I do.
03:27I've been asked to do one of the...
03:28Because you'd be very good if you did that voice of a little man trapped inside a box.
03:32Oh, yes.
03:33Do your man who's trapped in a box or your American radio set that you've swallowed.
03:38Where are you?
03:39I don't know where you were.
03:47It's a small thing, Stephen.
03:50Actually, people who do sat-nav voices, you know John Cleese does one.
03:53Does he?
03:54I thought that was an urban myth.
03:55No, no, he does.
03:56You can record it onto your own sat-nav.
03:58You can also do your own.
04:00I've done that on ours.
04:01Oh.
04:01I didn't tell my wife.
04:02And then she went for a drive.
04:04And it was me going, go left, go left.
04:08After you went into a barn.
04:10Right here.
04:12Now, I wonder there's so many accidents.
04:15Apparently, the favourite sat-nav voices are Nigella Lawson.
04:18And Joanna Lumley.
04:19Well, you'd think Joanna Lumley.
04:21The ones I've got are Billy Connolly and Julie Walters.
04:23Billy Connolly?
04:24Yeah.
04:24He's done it.
04:25I know.
04:27The least favourite.
04:29See if you can have a guess.
04:31Nick Griffin.
04:31Brian Sewell.
04:33Brian Sewell.
04:34You know, Simon Cowell.
04:36Hitlop.
04:36Kath...
04:38Yeah, I think you hear that kitsch value.
04:40Catherine Tate.
04:41Are these impressions...
04:42They're not actually...
04:43Simon Cowell hasn't gone into a studio and recorded it, surely.
04:46Well, I suppose all he's got to do is left, right, straight on, and they fiddle about with it.
04:49Yeah, basically, they just do a few, and Baroness Thatcher is there, but there's also a Julian...
04:55Right, right, right.
04:58There's a Julian Clary pack, too, apparently, which is advertised as with free Dale Winton voice and alerts.
05:07You're passing a wooded area.
05:10On the car.
05:12Well, now.
05:13And then.
05:15But, yeah, there have been several disasters.
05:17Perhaps the most extreme one was a Syrian lorry driver transporting luxury cars from Turkey to Gibraltar,
05:22who was diverted to the Grimsby area, 1,600 miles out of his way.
05:29Because there is a Gibraltar point off Lincolnshire, South Yorkshire, so he just blindly...
05:34Well, not blindly, but he...
05:36...eveganly followed it.
05:38And was seen trying to drive into the North Sea, and that's when he was stopped.
05:42And, of course, a lot of villages' lives are ruined by being cut-throughs.
05:46Friends of mine back in Wales, quite a few of them have got a Welsh...
05:50It's not a famous voice, but it's a Welsh sat-nav, which basically goes, you know...
05:54In Welsh language?
05:54No, no, no, no, just a Welsh attitude, a Welsh approach to life, or death.
06:01Journey coming up now in about 40 yards.
06:03Get ready, Flit.
06:05Getting a bit closer now.
06:06Get ready.
06:07Here it comes.
06:08Oh, you plank, you've missed it.
06:12Right, do it, do it, do it, pull over, attach a hose pipe to the exhaust, and just end it
06:19all.
06:21That's a very popular one.
06:23I can do that.
06:25Well, apparently, driving a distraction contributes to a quarter of all accidents, it seems, according to Rossborough, the Royal Society
06:31of the Prevention of Accidents.
06:33And using a handheld mobile or a sat-nav is a bad equal, apparently.
06:37So, while we're on the subject of directions, who is to the right of Genghis Khan?
06:44Yay?
06:45Yeah, it's just quite frightening.
06:47Um, every taxi driver I've ever met.
06:50Well, this is a dinner party, girl, boy, girl, boy, Mrs. Khan.
06:53Mrs. Khan.
06:54Well, there were 500 Mrs. Khans.
06:57500?
06:57He married 500.
06:58Oh, that's a sitcom waiting to be made, isn't it?
07:01He had so many children that, actually, they recently did a test of Central Asian males, and they found that
07:078% of all Central Asian males are related to a common ancestor about 1,000 years ago, which may
07:14well be Genghis Khan.
07:16So, do you think in 1,000 years' time, they'll be talking the same way about Russell Brand?
07:20It's highly possible.
07:22I quite fancy that being one of 500.
07:24At least you don't have to have sex with him every year and a half.
07:29That's true, but he might well have chopped your head off afterwards or something.
07:32He was rather violent, as you know.
07:34And in death, he was violent, too, in a weird kind of way.
07:38Because what we're talking about is when you say, I literally mean who is on the right...
07:41Oh, well, you mean buried alongside him?
07:43Yeah.
07:43Is he buried with relatives or with victims?
07:46Well, the thing is, in Mongolian tradition, when a great ruler like that, and there was no great ruler as
07:52great as Genghis Khan, obviously, he had to be anonymous.
07:55No one could know.
07:56So this gave them a real problem.
07:58According to Marco Polo, 20,000 people were killed to keep his burial place secret.
08:04All the slaves who excavated the grave were killed by soldiers, and then all the soldiers who killed the slaves
08:09were killed.
08:11That's how bad it was.
08:12Until they suddenly realized, they suddenly realized they were in danger of killing everybody who knew where the grave was.
08:18So what they did, and this is really peculiar, they realized, right, camels have got long memories, okay?
08:24So what they, this is really unpleasant, a suckling baby camel, they killed in front of its mother by the
08:31grave where they were going to bury Genghis Khan, right?
08:34And then they took the mother away, and they buried the baby camel next to Genghis Khan.
08:41So that's who's to the right of Genghis Khan.
08:43And every year...
08:44Oh, I was going to guess that.
08:45Every year, every year, the camel would remember exactly where the grave was, because it knew exactly where its little
08:52baby was.
08:53It's very sad.
08:54That's a lovely story.
08:55Yeah.
08:56But then the camel, then the camel died.
09:03And then no one knew where he was buried, so that was unfortunate.
09:10Tell me about Mongols, though.
09:12The Mongol hordes.
09:13Mongol hordes, yeah.
09:14Two million people.
09:15The Mongol hordes amounted to, but they managed to kill an estimated 50 million of their enemy.
09:22Staggeringly savage.
09:23And what gave them the advantage, principally?
09:26They had lasers.
09:29They did have weapons that...
09:30Photon torquino.
09:31They had weapons that were ahead of the time.
09:34They did.
09:34They had bows that were short.
09:36They weren't huge longbows.
09:37They were short.
09:38Carried them in the saddle, because it was the riding.
09:41It was the horses.
09:42They introduced horses to...
09:43They were bloody good at riding, weren't they?
09:45They would ride for days.
09:46They used to jump across.
09:47That's right.
09:48They wouldn't even go to the loo.
09:49I mean, they would go to the loo while jumping from one horse to the other.
09:51They stayed in the saddle for day after.
09:53In the air?
09:54They keep sitting in the air.
09:55Well, if you mistimed that, that's bad.
09:58Would you not?
10:00I'm sorry, I've shot on this one.
10:03Jumping from horse to horse and doing a little wee.
10:06That's a magnificent thing.
10:07It is, isn't it?
10:08But yeah, it was their horsemanship and their bows and arrows that did it.
10:11And just their violence, their desire and happiness at killing people.
10:16But they were a great big empire.
10:17And they're not so angry anymore?
10:20Well, of course, no, they seem rather cheerful.
10:22They don't have a reputation now, do they, for hoarding?
10:25No.
10:26No, they're lovely people.
10:27Very charming.
10:27Very nice.
10:28They don't hoard anymore.
10:29They've got cash in the attic now.
10:31They're very fine.
10:33But anyway, Genghis Khan is buried next to a baby camel,
10:36which acted like a sort of 13th century sat nav,
10:40guiding people back to his tomb.
10:41Now, how did the teacup change the course of Chinese history?
10:48Did they used to have tea just in their hands like that?
10:51No.
10:52They invented it.
10:53You might almost say...
10:59You're going to have to invent something with this.
11:02They invented it so early that it was a disadvantage.
11:06It held back the course of Chinese history.
11:08Oh, when they were building the Great Wall,
11:09was everyone going, right, cuppa?
11:10Yeah, we'll have a cup of tea.
11:12I had to make 5,000 cups of tea,
11:14and then, well, the day's over.
11:15We've got nothing then.
11:17They did.
11:17I'm like they're Europeans.
11:18Is it because they...
11:20Now, is it something to do with metal and ceramics,
11:23or is it because they invented it and they didn't therefore invent other things
11:26that would have come before it?
11:27Yeah, that's the point.
11:28In our culture, we came to China much later,
11:31which we got from them, hence calling it China.
11:33We have bronze.
11:34We also like wine, which they never drank in China.
11:37And wine is the color, it's very beautiful,
11:40and we developed a technology for containing wine.
11:43Glass.
11:44With glass came lens grinding,
11:46came telescopes and microscopes.
11:49And through spectacles,
11:52intellectuals and scientists had an extra 15 to 20 years
11:55of reading and active life,
11:57and further,
12:00all the way through to the invention of medical science,
12:03flasks, beakers, retorts,
12:05because it's chemically neutral glass,
12:07doesn't react to anything that's in it,
12:09and the Chinese had no glass made in all of China
12:14from the 14th century right up to the 19th century.
12:17And no mirrors either.
12:18And therefore no mirrors.
12:19So, in fact,
12:20just because they were satisfied with the teacup
12:22and didn't bother this incredibly ingenious race
12:26who would otherwise have invented so many other things
12:28and did invent so many other things,
12:30were the one thing they couldn't do.
12:32And electronics used glass for valves and so on.
12:35The irony is,
12:36a lot of them prefer coffee.
12:38Yeah.
12:39Go figure.
12:41What do they do for window?
12:42They used paper.
12:44No.
12:46Paper's rubbish for a window.
12:51You can't see through it.
12:52And they had dark, dark houses.
12:54I mean, that's another thing.
12:55Dark houses.
12:56Dark houses.
12:57There's not any light bulbs either.
12:58These people are useless.
13:00All of them had lanterns.
13:02They hadn't turned a lantern out in the dark.
13:03They had Chinese lanterns like that.
13:05Paper lanterns, that's the worst invention yet.
13:08They've always let off a few indoor fireworks.
13:11They had fireworks.
13:13But they obviously,
13:14they invented the plastic tub for keeping rice in.
13:19Centuries ago.
13:20And those tinfoil ones with the cardboard lid,
13:22didn't they?
13:23So they were way ahead in some areas.
13:25They clearly were.
13:27Anyway, there you are.
13:28That's China and glass.
13:30The course of Chinese history changed
13:31by their preference for tea,
13:33which meant they never bothered to develop glass.
13:35Now, where would you find the world's driest lake,
13:38the world's smallest mountain range,
13:40and the world's wettest desert?
13:43Are they all in the same place?
13:45They are in the same country.
13:47We're looking at America, aren't we?
13:48We are in America.
13:49You can tell, really, the big giveaway.
13:50We are in the Midwest of America.
13:53We are in...
13:55Oh, start on the left of our triptych.
13:57Where's that...
13:58That Salt Lake Flats?
14:01It's the biggest and driest lake in the world,
14:04and it is a salt lake.
14:06And it's so flat that it's very useful for something.
14:09So useful that it's...
14:10The land speed record,
14:10Anthony Hopkins, world's fastest Indian.
14:12I want to break the world's speed record.
14:14I can go and do it in this car.
14:15Here I go.
14:15Look at me now.
14:16Look at me now.
14:18I'm playing a New Zealander.
14:19Some Tom's, my ex, will be like that,
14:21and other Tom's, will be something else altogether.
14:22It doesn't matter.
14:23Anthony Hopkins, it doesn't matter.
14:23Do whatever I want.
14:24Do whatever I want.
14:32Now, what if he was trapped in a box?
14:42I'll choose you as a companion for a walking tour
14:45or to be trapped in a lift with any day, Rob.
14:48But yes, you're right.
14:49And there's a name,
14:50the name of that particular lake
14:51is given to a famous triumph motor bicycle.
14:54Does that help you give its name?
14:55Oh, Bonneville.
14:56Bonneville.
14:56It's the Bonneville, yes.
14:58Bonneville Lake.
14:59And so far you can see the curvature of the earth on it.
15:02Wow.
15:02And there's an ideal...
15:04Wow.
15:06Literally coming.
15:07So yes, the Salt Flat is the driest lake.
15:10Why do they call it a lake?
15:12Because it's not a lake anymore.
15:12When it's a dried up lake,
15:14it's shaped and all its features
15:15are dominated by its ex-lakeness.
15:17Except for the water.
15:18Except for the water, yeah.
15:21Mediterranean was once the biggest dry lake in the world
15:24in the late Myacine era.
15:26The water came rushing in over the Straits of Japan.
15:28You're quite right.
15:29Six million years ago.
15:31I know this because I saw it in the Plymouth Aquarium.
15:33That must have been fabulous
15:35for the sort of all the towns around Spain and Portugal
15:37that rely on tourism.
15:39It must have been a hell of a year.
15:40Whoa.
15:41Well, that just kind of came in
15:42and they went,
15:43this is fantastic.
15:44Finally, these jet skis are going to get an outing.
15:48It's true.
15:49Anyway, yeah,
15:49the rock of Gibraltar,
15:51which joined North Africa to Spain,
15:53crumbled away
15:54and the water from the Atlantic flooded in
15:56and there you were.
15:58There was the Mediterranean Sea.
15:59And all the fish
16:00in the Mediterranean
16:02are descended from
16:04Atlantic types.
16:05You mentioned the rock of Gibraltar.
16:07People think of monkeys
16:08in the rock of Gibraltar.
16:09Yes.
16:10Excellent point.
16:11Yeah.
16:12Is that it?
16:15No.
16:16No.
16:17No.
16:17Right.
16:17What else do we know about Barbary apes?
16:20Nothing.
16:20Oh.
16:23It was it.
16:25But the Barbary monkeys,
16:26which are miscalled Barbary apes,
16:28but they are actually Barbary monkeys.
16:29You're a current right to call them monkeys.
16:32Smallest mountain range
16:33was the midmost of our triptych of photographs.
16:35So where's that?
16:36That's not far away.
16:38Isn't that a hill?
16:40Incidentally, Bonneville was in which state?
16:42Utah.
16:42Utah is exactly right.
16:43Yes.
16:44And we're moving a little further
16:45to what's the capital of California?
16:50State capital of California.
16:52Is it like suffering?
16:53No, I know where it is.
16:53It's where the university is, isn't it?
16:56Isn't it?
16:56Where he goes in the graduate,
16:57where he goes in the car?
16:58Dustin Hoffman drives there to see Elaine.
17:00Elaine!
17:02Elaine!
17:03Elaine!
17:04I'm doing Dustin Hoffman.
17:05Elaine!
17:07Oh, God.
17:07Oh, God.
17:08You're trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson.
17:11I'm sorry, Steve.
17:12Has he had a stroke?
17:15So the smallest mountain range?
17:17The smallest mountain range.
17:18The Hoffman Mountains.
17:19We were talking, yes, Sacramento
17:21is the state capital of California.
17:23How is that not a hill, then?
17:24What defines a mountain?
17:26That's a good question.
17:27But in the U.S.,
17:28anything that rises 1,000 feet
17:29from base to apex is a mansion.
17:31In the U.K.,
17:32the official definition is
17:33600 meters above sea level,
17:34a little less than 2,000 feet.
17:36In this mountain range,
17:37there are 2,117 feet,
17:39and it's only something like
17:4010 miles in diameter,
17:41the whole range.
17:42One thinks of that wonderful
17:44British film starring
17:45that great British actor,
17:46Hugh Grant,
17:47the Englishman who went up a hill
17:50but came down a mountain.
17:51Oh, yes, that's right, yeah.
17:55So, hang on a second, Steve.
17:57I have a feeling.
17:58Do you do Hugh Grant?
17:59Gosh, so I went up a hill
18:00and sort of came down
18:02a bloody mountain.
18:05I had a feeling we might be going there.
18:06Very good.
18:07Excellent.
18:08And moving on,
18:09the wettest desert.
18:12The wettest, the North Sea.
18:15You see, now you have to stick
18:17to the definition of a desert.
18:18Still in America.
18:19Still in America.
18:20So what's the definition of a desert?
18:21A desert is a place where there's
18:23virtually no rainfall.
18:25Is that right?
18:25Well, there's quite a lot of rainfall here,
18:27but there's a moisture deficit.
18:29It loses more moisture than it.
18:31It's kind of got a holy floor.
18:33Yeah.
18:35It qualifies.
18:36It's the Sonoran Desert, although.
18:39Oh.
18:39In California.
18:41Oh.
18:43The western states of the USA
18:45have many mighty unusual features,
18:47including the driest lake,
18:49the smallest mountain range,
18:50and the wettest desert in the world.
18:52Now, in 1851,
18:54James Wilde installed
18:55the 60-foot high-scale model of the Earth
18:57in the middle of London,
18:58including all the land masses
19:00and the seas and the mountains
19:02built to scale.
19:04What was the best direction
19:06to see it from?
19:08What about from inside?
19:09Yes, is the right answer.
19:11Oh, was it made it blast?
19:12Yes.
19:12It was a perfect representation of the Earth
19:15from inside.
19:19Wow.
19:20It was one of the wonders of the age.
19:22It was there in Leicester Square
19:24between 1851 and 1862.
19:27A visitor said,
19:28I visited several times.
19:29I never met with anyone
19:30who wasn't delighted with it
19:31or didn't find it most instructive.
19:32And I don't know if you can see the details there.
19:35The top left there,
19:36you can probably see Scandinavia
19:37and Britain just at the very top left,
19:39about sort of between 10 and 11 o'clock.
19:42Oh, yeah.
19:42Yeah?
19:43What's fascinating about it
19:45is that it's obviously,
19:46you're inside it.
19:47So it's like an inverse
19:48of how the world really is.
19:50And yet,
19:51one of the odd things
19:52about the way maps and projections are
19:55is that a globe is an accurate representation
19:57of what we think the world is.
19:58It's round.
19:59But that one being inside it
20:01is exactly the same.
20:03In other words,
20:04if you were to take a piece of paper
20:06and you were to draw the world
20:08and do this
20:08and look at the piece of paper
20:10on a cylinder,
20:11you'd say,
20:11OK, right,
20:12that's kind of like how it is.
20:13But it would look identical
20:14if you took the same piece of paper
20:15and looked at it
20:16when it was concave
20:18rather than convex.
20:20So what happened to it then?
20:21Well, sadly,
20:22it came down after 12 years.
20:25The lease on the ground was expired,
20:27whoever owned Leicester Square.
20:29The lease on the ground
20:31on which it stood.
20:32So high rent to the west end.
20:33So it's now the centre of Leicester Square.
20:35It sounds like a brilliant thing
20:36to build again.
20:37Wouldn't it be wonderful?
20:39No, it's very successful.
20:41It was there to coincide
20:42with the great exhibition
20:43in Hyde Park.
20:44But it gave everybody
20:46joy and pleasure,
20:47as you can see.
20:48And as in all those drawings,
20:50someone pointing like that.
20:52But it's a very fine...
20:53Top hats.
20:53All the way top hats
20:54to go inside the earth.
20:56Wouldn't that be wonderful?
20:57Anyway,
20:57there he was,
20:58a man called Wilde,
20:59his great globe
21:00in Leicester Square.
21:01And it was an enormous triumph.
21:03Scale model of the world
21:04viewed from the inside.
21:06Let's try something simpler.
21:07Where did the Arctic Highlanders
21:09get their cutlery from?
21:11Sheffield.
21:12That's where you get
21:12your cutlery from.
21:13Oh, well, Sheffield.
21:20From Nordic...
21:21Ikea.
21:27So when you say,
21:28what was it?
21:29Northern...
21:29Well, that's the clue.
21:30Arctic Highlanders was the...
21:32Do you mean Eskimos?
21:33We now call them
21:35Inuguit polar Eskimos.
21:37Yeah.
21:38The man called Ross,
21:39after Rossi is named,
21:41he was the first European
21:42to encounter.
21:43And this particular tribe
21:45of Inuguits,
21:46200 of them he met,
21:48it was an extraordinary meeting.
21:49They thought they were
21:50the only people
21:51on the planet.
21:53They didn't know
21:53there were any other people
21:54in the world.
21:55It's very much like that
21:56in Essex.
21:58It's rather touching, though,
22:00isn't it?
22:00They saw him,
22:01they'd never seen anyone else.
22:02But they had cutlery.
22:05Metal.
22:06Metal cutlery.
22:07Where did it come from?
22:08Where did it come from?
22:09Aliens.
22:09Oh, was it...
22:10Aliens?
22:10It's not a bad answer.
22:11Was it one of those guys
22:13that went up there
22:13to the North Pole
22:14and just left a bunch of stuff
22:15and they found a bunch
22:16and went...
22:16No, no, no.
22:17This man, Ross,
22:18was the first European
22:19ever to go up close
22:20to the North Pole.
22:21I'm talking a long time ago.
22:22Look, see?
22:23I'm talking 1818
22:25before anyone had been
22:26to the North Pole.
22:27And they had proper knives.
22:28Pretty proper.
22:28They were a mixture
22:29of bone and metal.
22:31Well, was it made order?
22:32But they didn't have
22:33the technology...
22:34Did they find them?
22:35Did they excavate them
22:36or something?
22:36They didn't have
22:37the technology
22:38to smelt metal,
22:39to make metal.
22:39They had no knowledge
22:40about iron ore
22:41or anything of the kind.
22:42And they thought
22:42they were the only people?
22:43They thought they were
22:44the only people on Earth.
22:45So it's a real puzzle.
22:46But they had cut for it.
22:47It wasn't from a box
22:48from Sheffield
22:49that had sort of
22:49got washed ashore.
22:51Not an abandoned
22:52Ford Escort.
22:53No.
22:54It was still 1818.
22:56It was just...
22:57Oh, oh, oh.
22:58Is it because
22:58the North Pole is magnetic?
23:00And it...
23:02And all the colouring
23:03naturally...
23:07What about...
23:08I know when you lose
23:09a street
23:09and that's where it ends up.
23:10Drifting shipwrecks.
23:12No.
23:13You were closest
23:13with aliens.
23:15Ah.
23:16Meteorites.
23:17Meteorites.
23:18Meteorites.
23:18Joe Brown points there.
23:20Yeah.
23:20Yeah.
23:21That's what I've got, right.
23:24They look like a woman
23:25sewing her tent
23:26and a dog to them.
23:28So that's what they knew them as.
23:29But they took flakes
23:30from the one
23:31that they called the woman.
23:32Metal flakes
23:33and they attached bits of horn
23:34and used them
23:35as eating them
23:36from...
23:36as cutthory.
23:37Seventy years later...
23:39Who was the first man
23:39to get to the North Pole
23:40supposedly?
23:41Was it Michael Palin?
23:43It wasn't Michael Palin,
23:44no.
23:45Vanell Fiennes?
23:46I would have...
23:47No, we're talking about
23:4718...
23:491880.
23:501880.
23:50Queen Victoria.
23:51Yeah, 1880s.
23:54Michael Admiral Peary,
23:55an American.
23:56Oh, Peary.
23:57I've heard of him.
23:57Yes, Peary.
23:58There he was.
23:58He was a rather...
23:59He was a Yeti.
24:02He was a pretty horrific figure,
24:03actually.
24:04I mean,
24:04he went to these same people
24:05and stole their meteorites,
24:08basically,
24:08which they'd been
24:09taking their country off.
24:10And sold them to a museum
24:12for $40,000.
24:13He took some children,
24:15didn't he?
24:15Took some children.
24:16They took six of whom
24:17four died of TB instantly.
24:19And then one of them survived
24:20and was brought up
24:22by the American Cup
24:22but was then horrified
24:23to discover his parents,
24:24his father,
24:25as a skeleton
24:26in the Natural History Museum
24:27in New York
24:28on display.
24:29And complained
24:30and Peary refused
24:31to do anything about it
24:33but reluctantly gave him
24:34enough money
24:35to carry home
24:36and it wasn't until 1993
24:37that the remains
24:38of those Inugits
24:39were sent back
24:40to their homeland.
24:41No, it was very...
24:42Did he know
24:43he was going to go
24:44and see his father
24:44or was he just wandering
24:45around the museum
24:45and went,
24:46I know him.
24:48That's awful.
24:49It is.
24:49It's a horrible episode
24:50in the exploitation
24:51of a native people.
24:52All of these things
24:52were done,
24:53I mean,
24:53in the name of
24:54sort of science
24:54but also entertainment
24:55to a degree.
24:56And in case of Peary,
24:57Rich is an ambition.
24:58He was psychotically ambitious
24:59and now most people
25:01believe he didn't even
25:02get to the North Pole
25:02himself
25:03because the story
25:04he tells
25:04that he would have
25:05had to have gone
25:05at a speed
25:05that no one
25:06has subsequently
25:07ever gone
25:07on Arctic exploration.
25:08That's what I looked like
25:10before I'd done
25:10my bikini lining.
25:17It's a great look.
25:18It's a lovely look.
25:20That beard's
25:21gone a bit mental
25:22as well.
25:22That's brilliant.
25:23It is.
25:25Polar Eskimos
25:26made metal knives
25:27and implants
25:27by chopping flakes
25:28off three large meteorites
25:29that they called
25:30the tent,
25:30the dog,
25:30and the woman.
25:31And now,
25:32a watery riddle.
25:33What are large,
25:34very large,
25:36blue,
25:36rare,
25:38slow-moving,
25:39have calves,
25:40right,
25:40suffer from wet bottoms,
25:42Oh, look at Alan's face.
25:43and are found
25:43all over the world.
25:45Not
25:46the blue whale.
25:48You are right.
25:50You weren't
25:51falling for that one.
25:54What were the pieces?
25:57Large,
25:57blue.
25:58Large,
25:59blue,
25:59found all over the world.
26:01Have calves.
26:02have calves,
26:03slow-moving,
26:04wet bottoms.
26:04You've lost me.
26:05I thought it would be
26:05a smurf with an aneurysm,
26:07but...
26:08But I mean,
26:09that wouldn't be blue whales
26:10if it weren't for the slow-moving,
26:11but blue whales are pretty quick.
26:12They're 30 miles an hour.
26:13Well, I'm just going by the picture,
26:15but clouds.
26:16No,
26:16they're not really blue,
26:17to be honest.
26:18They're not blue?
26:19Not really.
26:19The bits in between are?
26:20That's guys.
26:20That's not clouds.
26:23I knew that.
26:23We had thought this through.
26:24Is it going to be a creature of some sort?
26:26No,
26:26it's a phenomenon.
26:28It's not to do with ice,
26:29is it?
26:29It is so to do with ice.
26:31It hurts.
26:31Is it a type of iceberg, Stephen?
26:33Not an iceberg, though, no.
26:34No, that's right.
26:38Correct.
26:39Is this a nice flow,
26:40even though I don't know what that is?
26:41Yes.
26:42You do know what an ice flow is.
26:43Is it kind of big?
26:44A glacier.
26:45A glacier is a nice flow,
26:46exactly.
26:47You can share the points.
26:48Yes.
26:49Oh, my God.
26:55I'm doing my bit to save those.
26:56I've stopped eating the sweets.
26:58Very good.
26:59They can be enormous.
27:00There's one 250 miles long,
27:0360 miles wide,
27:03a mile deep.
27:05I mean, they're vast.
27:06How do they have calves?
27:07Well, the bits that break off into the sea
27:09are known as calves.
27:10It's called carving,
27:10when they drop their bits.
27:11It was a red herring for us,
27:12wasn't it?
27:12It was, really?
27:13We automatically thawed
27:15either something with huge calves
27:16or baby calves.
27:19Yes.
27:20And the wet bottoms.
27:21Ah, don't get me started.
27:23That's when,
27:24in warmer climes,
27:25there are some
27:26which are almost not freezing.
27:28I mean,
27:28they're in zero degrees centigrade.
27:30And they slide down,
27:32and their bottoms are warmer.
27:34The bottom,
27:34the underside,
27:35the bits on the earth,
27:36is warmer and slides down.
27:37And they can go,
27:38what's the fastest you imagine
27:40a glacier is likely to go?
27:4240.
27:4240 what?
27:4340 in a 30.
27:46It might go a couple of inches
27:48or something in a year.
27:50Well,
27:50more than that.
27:51I would say more than that.
27:5365 feet a day
27:54is considered very rapid.
27:55But there was,
27:56there was one
27:57in Pakistan
27:59that went seven and a half miles
28:00in three months,
28:01which is very fast.
28:02That's another word
28:03for a glacier there then.
28:04Well, it's a racier glacier,
28:05if you like.
28:08But amazingly,
28:09you get them all around the world,
28:11including the tropics.
28:12Really?
28:13Tropical glaciers.
28:14Hello.
28:15Bit odd.
28:15They're the fruit-flavored ones,
28:17aren't they?
28:20One on the border of Uganda
28:21and Congo.
28:22It's an equatorial,
28:23really, isn't it?
28:24High up?
28:24Yes, pretty high.
28:26Do you find
28:27life in glaciers?
28:29Yes.
28:30Oh, yes.
28:31Smurfs.
28:32You would find
28:34plankton
28:36underneath the glacier,
28:37trying to permeate
28:39the membrane
28:41of the glacier.
28:42There's a kind of red algae
28:43and on the red algae,
28:45there's a creature
28:45that lives on the red algae,
28:46a kind of worm.
28:48Wiggly worm.
28:48An ice worm.
28:49A wiggly ice worm.
28:50It's a sort of
28:50annelid worm.
28:52There's one.
28:52Oh, yeah.
28:52Lovely picture.
28:53What a life.
28:54And, yeah,
28:55it's an amazing life.
28:56But in one glacier alone,
28:57they found more of those worms
28:58than there are human beings
28:59on the surface of the planet.
29:01Oh, good luck.
29:01Really?
29:02After they found a billion,
29:03they just kept on looking.
29:05Yeah, they kept on looking.
29:06There's another one.
29:06There's another one.
29:07I have another one.
29:09There's another one.
29:10Their ideal temperature
29:11is about zero.
29:12They freeze to death
29:13at minus seven
29:14and above five,
29:15they melt.
29:16What?
29:18They're quite like
29:19an ice cream
29:19in that regard.
29:21Is that not delicious?
29:22Yeah.
29:23Anyway, yeah.
29:25Now, in certainty,
29:27why there are snakes
29:27in Ireland?
29:28Sorry?
29:29Oh, why are there no snakes
29:30in Ireland?
29:30Oh, I know this because,
29:31uh, ah.
29:34There's a reason
29:35that's related
29:36to the question
29:37I've been asking.
29:38Something to do
29:39with the ice age?
29:39Yeah, there were 20 periods
29:40of glaciation in Ireland.
29:42It was just coming
29:43and they were withdrawing
29:44and coming and withdrawing
29:45all these glaciers.
29:46So there's no,
29:46so there's no...
29:47Snakes?
29:48Do you realize
29:48what we just said?
29:49Yes.
29:51You really can't help yourself,
29:52can you?
29:52I just am sorry,
29:54but...
29:56Snakes can't survive.
29:58In Ireland.
29:59Snakes can't survive
30:00with frozen ground.
30:02Anyway,
30:03we were talking
30:03about glaciers
30:04and they're found
30:04all over the world
30:05and they're large
30:05and they're blue
30:06and they have calves,
30:07but unlike the surprisingly
30:08nippy blue whale,
30:09they can't manage
30:10much more than
30:11about 60 feet a day
30:12at top speed.
30:13Now,
30:14the USA claims
30:15the legal right
30:16to seize territory
30:17wherever it might find
30:20what?
30:21Oil.
30:23Oh!
30:24Oh!
30:26Oh!
30:26Oh!
30:28Is it a street
30:29without a Starbucks?
30:32Would it be a...
30:33Well,
30:34is it an American
30:36prostitute or prisoner
30:37or something?
30:37No,
30:37it's essentially a law
30:38which has never been repealed.
30:40A law that's 150 years old,
30:42almost.
30:43Is it the Ark of the Covenant?
30:44No,
30:45no.
30:46Is this involved
30:46in any sort of action film
30:47that I will have seen?
30:49No,
30:49that it is involved
30:50in the plot
30:51of Dr. No.
30:53It's how Dr. No dies
30:54in the novel,
30:55actually.
30:55It's covered in this material
30:56that if it's found
30:57on an island
30:58that's unclaimed,
30:59any American citizen
31:00can raise a million flag
31:01and claim it.
31:02It's a kind of gold.
31:03It was as valuable
31:04almost as gold
31:05in the 19th century.
31:07Silver?
31:07No.
31:09Nickel?
31:10No,
31:10it's not a metal.
31:11It's not a metal.
31:13Not plastic.
31:15Christ.
31:16All right.
31:17The hundreds,
31:18Dr. No.
31:18Does anyone in the audience know?
31:20Guano,
31:21they shout
31:21and they are right.
31:22Points to the audience
31:23are very good.
31:24Guano.
31:25Is that a delicious drink
31:25that didn't really take off?
31:28What's guano?
31:29Bad shit,
31:30isn't it?
31:30Yes.
31:31It's the poo
31:31from birds
31:32that have eaten
31:33a lot of anchovies
31:33in Peru.
31:35What?
31:37You've gone out
31:38of your mind,
31:38man.
31:39It was one
31:39of the most valuable
31:41products
31:41in the 19th century.
31:42It was a fertilizer
31:43that is unbelievably rich
31:45in nitrates
31:46and potassium
31:47and all the things
31:47that you need
31:48to double,
31:49treble,
31:50quadruple,
31:50quinchuple
31:51the yields
31:52from land.
31:52So it was immensely
31:54valuable
31:54and it created
31:55many, many millionaires
31:56and was responsible
31:57for 75%
31:58of Peru's
31:58entire economy.
32:00And it was
32:01a pretty horrific thing
32:02as you can imagine
32:03to mine,
32:04to excavate,
32:04open cast mining
32:05because it dries
32:07like concrete.
32:08Really,
32:09really tough.
32:10So they used to
32:10pickaxe and dynamite
32:11to get it away
32:12and they had huge armies
32:13of essentially slaves
32:15and Chinese
32:16and convicts
32:17who would be
32:18hacking away
32:18at this stuff.
32:19Do we still use it now?
32:20It's an interesting point.
32:21I mean,
32:22the anchovy shoals
32:23are being used now
32:24principally for...
32:26Caesar salad.
32:28Sadly,
32:28if only they were,
32:29then they might survive.
32:31But...
32:31For feeding fish farms.
32:33For feeding fish farms
32:34and for feeding chickens
32:35and all kinds of things
32:36in China.
32:37It takes five kilograms
32:38of anchovies
32:39to produce one kilogram
32:40of salmon meat
32:41or farmed fish fish.
32:43People buy farmed salmon
32:44thinking that,
32:45oh, this is sustainable,
32:46it's good farmed salmon,
32:47but instead they're
32:48just using up
32:49enormous stocks
32:50of anchovy.
32:51Since 1856,
32:53the USA has claimed
32:54a legal right
32:55to take possession
32:55of islands
32:56where they find guano,
32:57bird's doings,
32:57you and me.
32:58The properties of guano
32:59were first discovered
33:00by the great father
33:01of geography,
33:02Alexander von Humboldt.
33:04Now,
33:05who taught
33:05Alexander von Humboldt
33:07how to speak
33:08the Aturi language
33:1040 years
33:12after the last person
33:14who spoke it died?
33:15A confidence trickster.
33:17No.
33:18A parrot.
33:19Yes!
33:20Oh, just right!
33:22That is good though.
33:23You are rocking.
33:29You are absolutely rocking.
33:32He was in Venezuela,
33:33Alexander von Humboldt,
33:34and he heard about
33:36this tribe
33:36that had been eaten
33:37by the Caribs,
33:38the cannibalistic tribe
33:39of the area,
33:39and they're all gone
33:41apparently,
33:41but someone said,
33:42no, there is a parrot
33:42who still is alive.
33:44The parrot's can live
33:45quite a long time,
33:46and it knows...
33:47How did it talk
33:47its way out of that?
33:49It had 40 words
33:50in the language
33:51which von Humboldt
33:52wrote down and learned.
33:54Of course,
33:54we can't know
33:55how accurate it was.
33:57It was with someone
33:58who spoke a related language,
33:59and they made guesses
34:01as to what the 40
34:02Aturi words might be.
34:03Sort of like,
34:04who's a cheeky boy then?
34:06He would quite like that
34:08because he was gay,
34:09Humboldt, funnily enough.
34:10Well, I find that
34:11kind of stereotyping
34:12rather offensive.
34:15So you're saying
34:16that all gay people
34:17are like cheeky boys?
34:18No, he might
34:19quite like to say,
34:20oh, no.
34:23When are you going to
34:24let up with your
34:25relentless gay bashing?
34:30How many words
34:31can a parrot learn?
34:32Do you know?
34:34182.
34:35Good and specific.
34:36There have been some
34:37200.
34:38But the odd thing
34:39is why they speak at all.
34:41Why is it
34:41that they do
34:42mimic humans?
34:44It's they have
34:44that little thing
34:45in the back of their throat
34:46that I have
34:46where they can go...
34:51The extraordinary thing
34:52is no parrot
34:53in the wild
34:54has ever been observed
34:56mimicking another bird
34:57or another animal.
34:59But there are birds
35:00in the wild
35:00that mimic noises.
35:01There are birds that do.
35:02Yes, minor birds
35:03and other birds.
35:04But parrots don't.
35:05In the wild
35:06they just have their own screech
35:07and they're satisfied
35:08with that.
35:08They don't imitate
35:09other birds.
35:10They've never been observed to.
35:12And that is rather a shock,
35:13isn't it?
35:14Do you have the answer to this?
35:15No, I don't.
35:16I'm sorry.
35:17No, it's a real question.
35:19They will imitate movements
35:20in the same way,
35:21you know,
35:21won't they?
35:21Like that.
35:22If you lift your left leg
35:23they will lift their leg
35:24or your hand
35:25or whatever.
35:25They'll imitate
35:25what you do physically.
35:27They like to do that.
35:28It just amuses them.
35:29It seems to amuse them
35:30at least.
35:31But 40 words
35:32of this language
35:32that Van Humboldt spoke
35:34may seem very few.
35:36But the fourth
35:36best-selling
35:38children's book
35:38of all time
35:39has a vocabulary
35:40of only 50 words.
35:42Which would that be?
35:44I...
35:44Oh, is it
35:45The Da Vinci Code?
35:47Janet and John.
35:48Is it...
35:49It's not a modern-day book
35:50and it's a classic?
35:51It's a 20th-century classic.
35:53Oh, it's...
35:54Is it a Dr. Seuss book?
35:55With wood, you will try,
35:57tree train,
35:58they not on all rain,
35:59say, see, so, thank,
36:01that, thee, then, there,
36:03and anywhere.
36:04And I'm going to give it away.
36:05Eggs, Sam, Ham.
36:07Yes, I just said.
36:08Oh, you did?
36:08Yes, absolutely.
36:09You ignored me.
36:10No, no.
36:10Green, green eggs.
36:11I was carrying on reading.
36:12I heard it.
36:13Green eggs and ham.
36:14That's right.
36:14I do have...
36:15You didn't say the title of the book.
36:16I would have then said brilliant, but...
36:18So, Humboldt apparently learned
36:20a touré from a parrot,
36:22which leaves us plummeting
36:24over the sheer cliff
36:24of general ignorance,
36:25so fingers on buzzers
36:26for a quickfire round.
36:28What do Mongolians live in?
36:32They're called something like yak,
36:34it's like a yolt or a yak.
36:35Do you mean a yurt?
36:37Oh!
36:38Yes, that's the one.
36:38Yurt.
36:39No, that's not the one.
36:41No.
36:42Yeah, thanks, Rob.
36:43No.
36:44Yurt is a Turkish word,
36:45and Mongolians will not be pleased
36:46if you call their ger,
36:47which is what they call their little tense.
36:49Well, I'm white, then.
36:51No, indeed.
36:51Now we know.
36:52They don't call them that.
36:53It's where they live,
36:54and it means home
36:55in Mongolian, really.
36:57Where in Holland
36:57is the Dutch city
36:58of Groningen?
37:00Is it not going to be in Holland?
37:02It's not in Holland.
37:03It's another one
37:03of the Netherlands or something.
37:05Yes, you're very smart.
37:07There are two provinces
37:08called Holland,
37:08and they're both south
37:09of where Groningen is.
37:11There you see.
37:12So, there's two places
37:13called Holland?
37:14Yeah, the country's
37:15called the Netherlands,
37:16and there are two areas of it
37:17called the Hollands,
37:18North Holland and South Holland,
37:19in which Amsterdam,
37:20The Hague, Rotterdam,
37:21all the big cities are.
37:22But that part there
37:23where Groningen is
37:23is not in Holland,
37:24it's in the Netherlands.
37:25The photo you showed
37:26looked like Guildford,
37:27didn't it?
37:28It did a bit.
37:29It did that famous shot
37:30of Guildford.
37:30Yeah.
37:31That could be Britain,
37:32couldn't it, so easily?
37:33It almost, yeah.
37:33If it didn't have a big sign
37:34saying,
37:36It really wasn't the clue there,
37:38I felt.
37:38Yeah.
37:38That's the giveaway.
37:39They have a pub there
37:40that claims to have been
37:40open non-stop for ten years.
37:42So, indeed,
37:43it could be Britain.
37:44Exactly.
37:45Exactly.
37:46Are you suggesting
37:46we have more in common
37:47with our European neighbours
37:49than otherwise?
37:50I'm suggesting
37:51the world is becoming
37:52homogenised
37:52and indistinct
37:54and I, for one,
37:56think that's a bad thing.
37:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:59Right, right.
38:00Right, right.
38:00We all think like that.
38:02Yeah.
38:02We're all the same.
38:03Yeah.
38:09There you go.
38:12Krodington is in the Netherlands
38:13but it isn't in Holland
38:14which refers only to
38:15two western provinces
38:16an eighth of the country's
38:17total landmass.
38:18Us calling the whole country
38:19Holland is a bit like
38:20them calling Britain
38:21East Anglia.
38:22Which would be nice
38:24but they don't.
38:24What is quite interesting
38:26about Church Flats Farm
38:28in Derbyshire?
38:29Is it to do with
38:30the height above sea level?
38:32No, but you're so much
38:33in the right area.
38:36Is it the height
38:36below sea level?
38:37Flat and it hasn't
38:38got a church there.
38:39Well, no, it's not
38:40that exactly.
38:41The highest flat bit?
38:42No, but it's the sea.
38:43Think of the sea.
38:44You're in Derbyshire.
38:45Oh, I know what it is.
38:47It's the point in Britain
38:49that is the furthest
38:50from the sea.
38:51Yes, I've got it, Alan.
38:55I won't have you
38:56competing for Sir's Favoury.
38:57Very good boy.
38:59Isn't it something
39:00like 72 miles?
39:01You can't be more than...
39:02Exactly.
39:03Well, 70 miles is...
39:04No, when Britain
39:05is more than 70 miles
39:06from the coast
39:06which perhaps makes
39:07Church Flats Farm
39:08in Derbyshire
39:09the very middle
39:10of the country.
39:11Anyway,
39:11which language
39:12is the Spanish
39:13national anthem sung in?
39:15Well, I'm going to go for...
39:21This is Spanish.
39:25It's not...
39:26It's not...
39:26Catalan, is it?
39:27Catalan.
39:28Is it Catalan?
39:29Is it...
39:29Oh.
39:32Is it Cast...
39:34Castilian?
39:35Well, that is Spanish,
39:36really, isn't it?
39:37Yeah.
39:37It's still in his
39:37classic Spanish
39:38but it's not...
39:39Sorry, Stephen,
39:40can you just remind me
39:40what was the language
39:41that guy was taught
39:4240 years after it died out
39:43by a power?
39:44Actually, it's not
39:45that one.
39:45Rock all.
39:48I didn't say anything.
39:50Don't be aggressive.
39:51Is it...
39:52Is it instrumental?
39:53Yes, is the right answer.
39:55Well done.
39:59It has no words.
40:00It's very odd.
40:00They have one of the oldest
40:01tunes called
40:02La Masha Real.
40:03It's the only
40:03national anthem
40:04no words.
40:04The old ones
40:05were dropped
40:05after the death
40:06of Franco in 75
40:07but then they were
40:08inspired by visiting
40:09Liverpool fans
40:10listening to
40:11You'll Never Walk Alone
40:12which is a song
40:13from an American
40:14Broadway musical
40:15bizarrely
40:16called Carousel
40:17but for some reason...
40:18Hey, hey, hey.
40:18I know.
40:19It's awkwardly.
40:19It is.
40:20You couldn't look
40:21any more scouts.
40:23So this...
40:24The Spanish Olympic Committee
40:26held a competition
40:27in 2007
40:28to replace
40:29the words
40:30of their Franco-fascist
40:31one
40:31but they were
40:32withdrawn
40:32after five days
40:34having fallen foul
40:35of several
40:35Spanish regions.
40:36They've criticised
40:37the new version
40:38which is called
40:38Viva España
40:39unfortunately
40:40for being too
40:41nationalistic.
40:42What?
40:43I know.
40:43A national anthem
40:44for being too...
40:44Yeah, for a national anthem.
40:46But the words
40:47were
40:47Long live Spain
40:48we sing together
40:48with different voices
40:49and only one heart.
40:51It doesn't seem
40:51that terrible
40:52as opposed to
40:53the Marseillers
40:54due here in the countryside
40:55the roar of those
40:55ferocious soldiers
40:56they come right here
40:57into your midst
40:58to slit the throats
40:58of your sons and wives.
41:01Which is quite aggressive.
41:03Well, God Save the Queen
41:04has the sixth verse
41:05I don't know if you know that.
41:06Of course I know
41:07the sixth verse
41:08to God Save the Queen.
41:09Give us...
41:09Well, I have to sing it
41:10all the way through.
41:11It's the one about
41:12going up to Scotland
41:13and killing everybody.
41:14That's the one.
41:15Lord grant that
41:16Marshall Wade
41:16may by thy mighty aid
41:19victory bring
41:20may he sedition hush
41:21and like a torrent rush
41:23rebellious Scots to crush
41:25God Save the King.
41:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:30Oh, I'm sorry.
41:33But the oddest ones
41:34is back to our old friends
41:35the Dutch here.
41:35This is the Dutch
41:36national anthem.
41:37It's still the Dutch
41:37national anthem.
41:38William of Nassau
41:39scion of a Dutch
41:40and ancient line
41:41fair enough
41:41dedicate undying faith
41:42to this land of mine
41:43a prince I am
41:45undaunted
41:45of orange ever free
41:46to the king of Spain
41:48I've granted
41:48a lifelong loyalty.
41:51In the Dutch national anthem
41:52they say they've granted
41:53a lifelong loyalty
41:54to the king of Spain.
41:55The most deferential anthem
41:57ever heard.
41:58It is bizarre.
41:59I mean, 350 years ago
42:00Holland was part
42:01of the Spanish Netherlands
42:02but that's a long time ago.
42:04The Spanish national anthem
42:05is the only one
42:06which officially has no words.
42:07They did try and write some
42:08and they were rejected
42:09for being too patriotic
42:10which brings us
42:11to the scores, ladies and gentlemen.
42:13Quietly confident.
42:14Heaven bless my soul.
42:16I don't know how
42:17this could have happened
42:18but in last place
42:19with minus 28 points
42:22it's Rob Brydon.
42:30And just behind him
42:31with minus 21
42:32Jimmy Carr
42:34So sort of a winner
42:35sort of a first
42:36of the winners.
42:37Who can it be?
42:38Who can it be?
42:39Who can it be?
42:40In second place
42:40with minus 10
42:41is Joe Brand
42:48And he breasted the tape
42:50at the very last minute
42:51with an impressive
42:52minus 7
42:52Alan Davies!
43:01So it only remains
43:03for me to thank
43:04Rob, Jimmy, Joe and Alan
43:05to wish you all
43:06safe onward journeys
43:07and I leave you with this
43:08from Ambrose Bierce
43:09War is God's way
43:11of teaching Americans
43:12geography.
43:13Good night.
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