- 3 hours ago
First broadcast Friday 10th November 2006.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Phill Jupitus
Jonathan Ross
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Phill Jupitus
Jonathan Ross
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome
00:05to the provisional wing of children in need.
00:09We hope to raise lots of extra money tonight for disadvantaged children, and we have four enormously overgrown examples here
00:17tonight.
00:17The irascible young Rich Hall.
00:23The cheeky chappy Phil Jupitus.
00:31Naughty scamp Jonathan Ross.
00:38And everybody's favourite fluffy stud muffin, Pudsy.
00:47Now, settle down, Gus.
00:51You know the rules.
00:52Phil goes...
00:55New, but, yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah.
00:57And Jonathan...
00:58Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah.
01:01Stop it.
01:02And Jonathan goes...
01:03I'm above Ed.
01:06And Rich goes...
01:07Flop-a-da-ba-da-ba-da.
01:11And Pudsy goes...
01:17Thank you, Pudsy.
01:18Oh, hello.
01:26Oh, don't give it all that.
01:27You're not even a bear.
01:29Come on.
01:30You don't want any trouble.
01:33You gave me a look, then, with a good eye.
01:35Yeah.
01:36How's your distance vision?
01:42Someone has been sitting in my seat.
01:47Tonight's programme is all about descendants.
01:50In other words, offspring, progeny, children.
01:54Let's begin at the very beginning.
01:56What do babies have that adults do not?
01:58I'm above Ed.
02:00Horns.
02:03Horns.
02:04Horns.
02:04Oddly, almost close.
02:06They have a cranial cap.
02:07They have a divot there that you can store things in.
02:10I thought that was there so that if you have sex during the final trimester, it doesn't hurt the baby,
02:14it kind of gives.
02:15Oh, no, John.
02:17Nature provides.
02:18But the bones in the head haven't fused together yet, have they?
02:21They haven't.
02:22Not only in the head, that's the point.
02:24They're completely spongy babies.
02:25You can bend them pretty much.
02:27That's the thing.
02:27You can just, like, make...
02:29If it's an ugly baby, you can just make it slightly better looking, you know.
02:33Just give it horns if you want.
02:35What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?
02:37I'll tell you.
02:38People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of
02:42it.
02:43The thing to say is, nice phone.
02:53Is that what I think?
02:54I think babies have the ability to know that they are ugly, which their parents don't.
03:00That's why they cry all the time.
03:02They hold the little mirror up to them on the mobile.
03:04Oh, look at me!
03:06I'm like Churchill having a shit.
03:09They don't have kneecaps, do they?
03:11Aren't you mixing them up with mer-babies?
03:13No.
03:15Their kneecaps are not made of bone while they're babies, and there are all kinds of parts of them.
03:18What are they made of?
03:19They're not made of bone, but are made of cartilage.
03:21Or Play-Doh.
03:21And they have 94 more bones than adults.
03:25Now they don't.
03:26Oh, yeah.
03:26You're making this up.
03:27No.
03:29A baby's body has about 300 what are called soft bones that haven't actually formed bone material.
03:37They are actually cartilage, a sort of soft, gooey thing.
03:39And they eventually fuse to form the 206 bones of the average human body.
03:44Where are a quarter of those bones housed?
03:46My bobby head.
03:47Oh, yeah.
03:48In the body.
03:49Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:50I should have said about.
03:52In the foot.
03:53In the feet.
03:54The feet is right.
03:54A quarter of your bones.
03:5652.
03:57Very good.
03:59Yeah.
04:00Very good.
04:02How long do you have to wait for your baby to harden?
04:07It's in natural course of things.
04:09You put it somewhere like with air fix kits.
04:10I used to put them in the airing cupboard.
04:13A kill.
04:14A kill.
04:15A kill.
04:16Bake it.
04:16You fire the baby.
04:19So, talking of Churchill in a sort of way, who was very fond of pigs, because he said,
04:22dogs look up at you, cats look down on you, but a pig looks you in the eye and treats
04:27you
04:27as an equal.
04:29Anyway, who grunts like a pig and has children three times their own size?
04:36Three times?
04:37Do they shrink down?
04:38The offspring start off three times bigger and then obviously become the size of the
04:41parents, so that the offspring do shrink eventually.
04:43I was wondering, though, they must grow to full term outside of the body of the parent,
04:49or else the parent could not carry something.
04:50They're not mammals.
04:51You're me.
04:52Ah.
04:53Well, I...
04:53Not fish, neither.
04:54Frogs?
04:55Yes.
05:01It's a breed of frog called the paradoxical frog for that very reason.
05:05It is the only species on earth, and that literally is to scale.
05:09That's the parent.
05:10That's a pen to give us an idea of scale, and that is the offspring.
05:15So, they squirt them out, and then they grow big in the pond?
05:17Yeah.
05:17They come from South America and Trinidad as well.
05:20You'll find them.
05:21What purpose does that serve in nature, that the animal would create an offspring that is
05:24so much larger than itself initially and then shrink?
05:26We just don't know.
05:28What is it in Spanish?
05:30Paradoxical frog.
05:34Now, what I want you to do is stop me when you know about whom I am talking.
05:40Had she been eligible, she might have been elected U.S. president.
05:45She's a trained scientist.
05:47She has larger breasts than you might imagine.
05:51Jonathan's alert.
05:53Maiden name, Roberts.
05:56Thatcher.
05:58Oh, dear.
06:02Margaret Thatcher's maiden name was Roberts, but this particular ney Roberts has over a
06:07billion pairs of shoes and yet stands only 11 inches tall.
06:11From above, Ed?
06:13Thumbelina.
06:15Not Thumbelina.
06:16This one exists.
06:1811 inches tall?
06:19Yeah.
06:19Barbie.
06:20Barbie is the right answer.
06:22Yay.
06:26She was named after one Barbara Millicent Roberts from Willows, Wisconsin.
06:31If Barbie was a real person, she wouldn't be able to stand.
06:34Yes.
06:36Anatomically.
06:36Yeah, exactly.
06:37If you sort of blew her up to five foot six, her feet would be size three, her breasts
06:42would be 39 inches and she would just go...
06:44She wouldn't have to stand up anyway, would you?
06:46You'd only want her supine anyway, wouldn't you?
06:50Is that right?
06:53It's also apparently true according to researchers at the University Central Hospital in Helsinki,
06:59Finland, that her body shape lacks this 17 to 22% body fat which would enable her to menstruate.
07:07But what was it she managed finally to get in the year 2000?
07:11Pregnant.
07:12It was a piece of something.
07:15The shroud of the ring.
07:16Not a bra, a part of her body.
07:18Nipples.
07:19Nipples?
07:19Not nipples, thank you.
07:21A navel.
07:21A navel is the right answer.
07:23She finally got a tummy button.
07:25Very good.
07:26A navel.
07:27Absolutely right.
07:29Barbie philosophy.
07:30Barbie spoke in 1992 for the first time.
07:33Do you know the kind of thing she said?
07:34Where's my navel?
07:37You could have said that.
07:38No means no.
07:42Stop looking down there.
07:43I don't have bits.
07:46Will we ever have enough clothes?
07:48It's a paradoxical frog, Ken.
07:52I love shopping.
07:53Do you?
07:54But what did Barbie say, Stephen?
07:56Math is tough.
08:01As we know, Barbie, whose full name was Barbara Millicent Roberts, was born in 1959.
08:05She's done everything, including running for president three times.
08:09But how have Superman, Spider-Man, and Wonder Woman helped the fight against crime?
08:16Each one of them has an intimate connection with a genuinely groundbreaking crime-solving or crime-help.
08:24X-ray vision.
08:25When I say genuine, obviously, yeah, something that exists.
08:30Superman led police to develop bulletproof vests.
08:34It isn't that, but you're on exactly the right lines.
08:37I know, because I know coppers have got like a net they shoot at you, like Spider-Man.
08:39That would be Spider-Man's thing.
08:40Yeah, but that's an old Roman retinarius trick.
08:43Who was Spider-Man's archenemy, mostly?
08:46Mostly, it was the Green Goblin.
08:47There was another one called Kingpin?
08:50Kingpin, well, he's not...
08:50Well, he was Spider-Man, but recently he's become Daredevil's main foe.
08:53Has he?
08:53He lives in Hell's Kitchen.
08:54He's over more like 49th Street.
08:56Daredevil fights him a lot more.
08:57But recently...
08:58And what did he do in 1979 in order to keep tabs on Spider-Man?
09:02So that he always knew where Spider-Man was?
09:04Haspo.
09:04Not that I was...
09:07But you're exactly...
09:11You're exactly on the right lines.
09:13And it's more technical.
09:15What, do you put something on him that you can trace?
09:17Some sort of...
09:17An electronic tagging bracelet.
09:19An electronic tagging device.
09:20In 1979.
09:21I didn't realise that, thankfully.
09:21And a judge, rather splendidly named Judge Jack Love of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
09:26Judge Love.
09:27Judge Love, exactly.
09:29I stand before you, Judge Love.
09:31You are in the court of love.
09:33Yeah, anyway.
09:36He did exist.
09:37Thanks, Judge Love.
09:39I've got a prison for you, Judge Love.
09:42And Judge Love, like many a judge, had an incredibly full series of cells.
09:47And he reasoned, having seen this cartoon, why not develop a real thing like this?
09:53So instead of prisoners going into prison, they can be electronically tagged.
09:56And he was the inventor of the electronic tagging.
09:59But it was directly from a Spider-Man comic.
10:01You can say, I'm really cool, as I believe young people say, because I have a really wicked bracelet in
10:11it, guy.
10:12So, there you are.
10:14The stealth bomber, the invisible plane, Wonder Woman had an invisible plane.
10:18Can I tell you about Wonder Woman?
10:20Wonder Woman's credit was William Moulton Marston, who wrote under the pen name of Charles Moulton, who was in a
10:25polygamous and indeed polyamorous relationship with the woman who co-created Wonder Woman and another lesser on the side.
10:33Absolutely right.
10:34Yep.
10:39And you're right, he married his wife, Elizabeth, at 22 years of age, and then carried on this affair with
10:43Olive.
10:44And I think they moved in together.
10:45They all moved in together.
10:46He had two children by each.
10:47And then when he died, Olive and Elizabeth stayed together right up until the death of Olive in the 80s.
10:51Oh, yes, it's a rather beautiful story.
10:52It is a lovely story.
10:53I'll tell you something interesting about Spider-Man.
10:56Originally, he was called Spider-Man.
10:59He was Jewish.
11:03He couldn't fight crime on the Sabbath.
11:07Look, I'm so impressed with Jonathan, knowing the full name of William Moulton Marston.
11:11But he came to the attention of DC Comics to the great Max Gaines, whom you will know of, the
11:18publisher of DC Comics.
11:19Actually, Max Gaines, I believe, published DC Comics.
11:22And then when he died in a boating accident, his son, William C. Gaines, took over, moving from true tales
11:28from the Bible and stories to amuse children into the EC line of horror comics that then came to the
11:32attention of the U.S. Senate when comics were investigated after a certain Dr. Frederick Wertham brought out a book
11:37called Seduction of the Innocent in 1954, calling for the introduction of a self-regulating body known as the Comic
11:43Code Authority that had such ridiculous rules as you could not use the word flick in a comic for fear
11:47that the L and the I would run together and Spider-Man were saying,
11:49Look, he's got a f**k knife.
11:55This is all true.
11:56Fabulous.
11:57This is true.
11:58I love that.
11:59That is brilliant.
12:00And to think that almost everyone I know thinks you're a coarse, vain, loudmouthed male.
12:06But we still haven't come to the root of...
12:09Bulletproof wristband.
12:10No, he invented something.
12:11As a psychology professor, he was very interested in people's response under stress.
12:15Under stress?
12:16And he discovered the blood pressure increased when people under a certain type.
12:19Was it the lie detector?
12:19The lie detector.
12:20Was it?
12:25So there you are.
12:26We have the lie detector and we have the electronic tagging system.
12:29So that only leaves us with Superman himself.
12:32What was the most popular effusion of Superman, if you like, in the 40s?
12:36It wasn't the comic book.
12:37It was...
12:38It was the radio.
12:38The radio.
12:39Absolutely.
12:40And there's a man called Stetson Kennedy, who in the 1940s decided that the most loathsome organization in the United
12:46States of America was the Ku Klux Klan.
12:50And he infiltrated the Ku Klux Klan and he learned their secret language, their hierarchies, their codes, and their gossip
12:56in his particular part of the world.
12:57Of all the pictures you would have to show.
12:59I know.
13:00It's not good.
13:00It's my uncle in there.
13:08Anyway, he decided that the most popular thing around was Superman on the radio.
13:12So he wrote to the producers and said, here's a plot line for you.
13:15Why don't you have Superman fight the Ku Klux Klan?
13:18Because he fought Mussolini, fought Hitler.
13:20And within two weeks of the four-week episode in which Superman fights the Ku Klux Klan, the recruitment went
13:25to zero.
13:26So he was a crime fighter, Superman.
13:28In real life?
13:28In real life.
13:29As well as in fiction.
13:29How wonderful.
13:30I did not know any of that.
13:31I go home a better person.
13:33Now, children have invented some pretty useful stuff themselves.
13:37Earmuffs were invented by children.
13:39The calculator, the trampoline, the state flag of Alaska itself.
13:43The great child author, Roald Dahl.
13:47What was his greatest invention?
13:49Yeah, go.
13:50Oh, hello.
13:51Oh.
13:53Oh, my goodness.
13:54My mum had.
13:55Fixed it.
13:57I do know this.
13:58Yes, go on, tell me.
13:59Because I've been many times to the Roald Dahl Museum on school trips.
14:02In Great Missenden.
14:03Yes, it's a beautiful place.
14:04It's a wonderful day out.
14:05I've often thought, though, for the bored father, maybe they could have a Roald Dahl-themed brothel next door.
14:09With a kind of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory theme, you know.
14:12Willy Wonka, bring your own.
14:13But.
14:14For the grown-ups, chocolates and the Charlie Factory.
14:17Where they could go.
14:22Anyway.
14:24And you find out about Roald Dahl's life when you're there.
14:26And he had one of his children.
14:27I think it was his son.
14:28He was very ill.
14:29I think he caught an illness.
14:30Or he had an accident.
14:31Well, actually, he had an accident in New York.
14:33And Roald Dahl was involved, I believe, not alone, but with other people,
14:36in inventing some kind of a valve or some sort of a device that the person needed in his body.
14:41You're going to have to give the man lots and lots of points.
14:42He needed it.
14:46It's called the Wade Dahl-Till valve.
14:51His son, Theo, was in a car accident in New York,
14:54and he hurt his head to the extent that he got hydrocephalus.
14:57It's water on the brain, isn't it?
14:58Water on the brain, exactly.
14:59And the cure was to put a valve in, but it was a very plunkily designed valve
15:03that often got jammed and stuck, which meant big surgical intervention.
15:07And Dahl thought, this isn't good enough.
15:09So he went to his friends and they devised this valve.
15:123,000 children at least have probably had their life saved,
15:15and certainly their outcomes massively improved.
15:17Well, I'll ask you another question.
15:19The Oompa Loompas, what colour are they?
15:21Their faces are orange, their hair is yellow.
15:23We don't know about their nether regions.
15:25Did you say orange?
15:28No, I'm talking about the original Oompa Loompas,
15:30the Oompa Loompas of Roald Dahls.
15:32In the book itself?
15:33Mmm.
15:34Aren't they from Africa?
15:35Yes, you see, you've reclaimed yourself.
15:38These publishers, Knopf, made them orange
15:40because they felt black pygmies slaving away in a factory
15:43was a slightly kind of...
15:44And now they're all orange like girls allowed.
15:46Now they're... exactly.
15:49Green hair, orange, white eyebrows.
15:51I saw a Sherlock Holmes film once,
15:53and people kept getting murdered quite near a circus.
15:57Oh.
16:02And they'd be in a room,
16:03and there'd only be a tiny little window or something,
16:06and about an hour in,
16:09Holmes turns to Watson and says,
16:10I've got one word to tell you, Watson.
16:12Pygmies.
16:15That is deathless.
16:17And there were some pygmies at the circus,
16:19and they were being sent out to do the bidding
16:20of an evil circus owner.
16:22I love the idea that we can go back to a happier time
16:25when pygmies are the prime suspect for most crimes.
16:29It's so much easier to pick out an identity parade, you know?
16:32It's political correctness...
16:34It's political correctness gone mad.
16:38I once saw a very fine Saturday night French television show,
16:41which didn't involve a midget as such,
16:43but it involved a small, tiny dwarf elephant
16:46that came out and danced and performed
16:47and capered around like nobody's business.
16:49You wouldn't believe it.
16:50And I was sitting...
16:50I was watching this, I was in a hotel room,
16:52and I was saying,
16:52this is the best thing I've ever seen in my life,
16:53where, A, where did they find such a tiny elephant,
16:55B, how do you teach a tiny elephant to perform like that?
16:58You know?
16:59Turned out, at the end of the act,
17:00he unzipped it, there was a dog inside.
17:04What are one of the best acts I've seen in my entire life?
17:07And yet now, it's such an obvious idea.
17:12Anyway, there we are.
17:13Now, from Oompa Loompas,
17:15politically incorrect little people,
17:17to badly behaved little pink extraterrestrials.
17:21Alan, could you press your browser
17:22and tell me what it's saying?
17:26It's a clanger, definitely a clanger.
17:29It is, it's a famous episode.
17:31It was an episode three of series one,
17:33which was called Chicken.
17:34See if you can work out what is being said.
17:36We've got a little clip.
17:38I've got a little...
17:43Because the performers generally have words in their head.
17:47There it is.
17:47And what he's saying is,
17:48Oh, sod it, the bloody thing's stuck again.
17:52You can hear it again.
17:53Let's hear it again.
17:58There it is.
18:00You know what?
18:01There it is.
18:02Yeah.
18:04So, the creator of...
18:06My bad lad.
18:07Yeah.
18:07Oliver Postgate.
18:08The Great, I think.
18:09You cannot say Oliver Postgate without saying...
18:11Nog in the nog.
18:12Nog in the nog.
18:13Ogles Wood.
18:14Did he do Bagpuss?
18:15And the greatest of the great Bagpuss.
18:17But he and Peter Furman,
18:18who were his partner,
18:19they used to produce these things in the barn.
18:21And they'd take a month to do each episode.
18:23Oh, they're brilliant, aren't they?
18:24They are absolutely wondrous.
18:25Well, it's an interesting bit of Klangr trivia for you.
18:27Yeah.
18:27I think the Klangr's appear on an episode of Doctor Who.
18:30The man is right.
18:31The man is absolutely right.
18:35It was, in fact,
18:37the largest ever audience in 1972.
18:40They got 10 million viewers
18:41by appearing in an episode called The Sea Devils.
18:44But anyway, there's only one language
18:46even more suggestive than the Klangr's.
18:49What language do Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men, speak?
18:52Lobelob.
18:53Flobberdob?
18:54No.
18:56And you see, the awful thing is,
18:58you probably thought it was Flobberdob
18:59because that's what we said a couple of years ago.
19:02We've saluted one great genius of children's television,
19:04the great Oliver Postgate.
19:06There is another, the great voice genius Peter Hawkins.
19:09We unfortunately said that the Flobberdob language
19:11was called Flobberdob.
19:12Flobberdob.
19:12And that it came from the sound of creator
19:14Hilda Brabant's younger brothers
19:16farting in the bath
19:18and saying, ooh, Flobberdob, like that.
19:20It sounded like Flobberdob.
19:21And we got a very, if I may say so,
19:23terse tart letter
19:24from Silas Hawkins, the son of Peter Hawkins himself,
19:28a voice actor.
19:29The fart in the bath story
19:30was trotted out last year
19:32in an episode of Stephen Fry's
19:34otherwise admirable
19:35for his story.
19:38It, the story, first appeared some 20 years ago
19:41in the newspaper article
19:42to which my father immediately wrote a rebuttal
19:44and which was obviously ferreted out
19:46by some BBC researcher, the QI.
19:49It may be quite interesting,
19:50but in this case, it just isn't true.
19:53So we apologise, Mr. Silas Hawkins.
19:55Their language is called Odlpodl.
19:58Flobberdob actually means flowerpot
20:00in Odlpodl.
20:02I cannot believe I just said that.
20:06But with that
20:07dissent into gibberish,
20:08I would like to take us now
20:10outside the headmaster's study
20:12where we get a damn good weekly
20:13thrashing of general ignorance.
20:15So fingers on buzzers, please.
20:16Who can hum
20:17the most listened to tune
20:20in the world?
20:21From above it?
20:22Yes.
20:25Oh, dear!
20:27Ah!
20:30It's stunning.
20:31It's stunning.
20:33I love that.
20:34You've been doing so well.
20:36The shame.
20:37Diddle-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
20:39That's the right answer!
20:45Do you know who wrote it?
20:47Someone in Finland.
20:48No, Spanish.
20:49A Spanish composer.
20:50A genuine Spanish composer.
20:51Diddle-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
20:56It's Robbie Williams.
21:00It's Robbie Williams,
21:01with all those comedy glasses of beer.
21:03His name is Francisco Tarrega.
21:08And it's his grand false.
21:09Would you like to hear it?
21:10Yes.
21:11Here it is, the original.
21:15It doesn't end with the final note.
21:17Just go, diddle and diddle and diddle and diddle and diddle.
21:19You have hung up.
21:20And there's a bloke in Spanish out.
21:21Hola!
21:24It is a third.
21:25Hola, estoy en tren.
21:29Very good.
21:31Excellent.
21:32Well, that is the man.
21:34He died in 1909, but the billionth phone was made not long ago.
21:38I think it's something like six and a half phones a second
21:41are produced by a Nokia company.
21:43But a remarkable achievement,
21:44because it isn't actually that annoying,
21:46even though you've heard it so many times.
21:48If you want to hear it on a phone, it sounds like this.
21:53On the end.
21:54And the original again from Tarrega, which is like this.
21:59He probably thought, if I put another note on there,
22:02they'll use this on a f***ing phone.
22:06Anyway, Fern Cotton and Terry Wogan are, of course,
22:10the great heroes behind this evening of all evenings.
22:13So, does anyone know anything interesting about ferns?
22:16Ferns what?
22:18Ferns.
22:20If you know anything about ferns, anything, do tell me.
22:24They make a cunny noise, like.
22:26I beg your pardon?
22:27Ferns make a cunny noise.
22:29Ferns and f***ing and the ferns.
22:35I'm sorry.
22:36But cunny means the female pudenda.
22:39It means the...
22:41The guys.
22:43You know what?
22:43They make the guys like a female pudenda.
22:46Never, ever, ever go to Newcastle.
22:48You...
22:50It's an English word.
22:51You'll go up there and it'll be...
22:53Whoa!
22:55There's that great joke about the little soldiers
22:58with General Custer.
22:59And they can hear the...
23:03And he says to the little Geordie soldier,
23:05listen, they've got war drums.
23:07And the Geordie soldier goes,
23:08the thieving bastards?
23:16No, I do suggest my Custer defeated that.
23:18Is it like a naval war drum?
23:20Is that what they're saying?
23:21War drums?
23:23Well, it's where the naval officers gather
23:25for their pink gins.
23:26It's called the ward room.
23:27Oh, Pudsy, make him stop.
23:30Well, they've got ward rooms,
23:32the thieving bastards.
23:33What the...
23:34They've got...
23:35In Newcastle, they say...
23:36They say instead of hour,
23:38they say war.
23:38Well, they would go to school.
23:39It's just ridiculous.
23:45That's not good enough.
23:47Anyway.
23:49Ferns.
23:49Tell me about Ferns.
23:51Ferns?
23:51What?
23:52Tell me about Ferns.
23:54The poisoners.
23:55Yeah, you're absolutely right,
23:56they are.
23:56Some ferns are carcinogenic.
23:58Yeah, absolutely right again.
24:00Aren't ferns also,
24:01apart from moss, I believe,
24:02the oldest plant on the planet?
24:03Yeah, you're right.
24:04They're three times older than dinosaurs,
24:06older than any land animal.
24:08And they seed by...
24:09That's right, they're clicking out.
24:10They go boom, like that.
24:11Boom, shaka, boom, shaka, boom, shaka, boom.
24:13They're like, wah, wah.
24:14They fling their seed across the room.
24:16You know what?
24:16I was doing that when I was about 14.
24:18Yeah, you mean that.
24:21And so, to the other hero of the evening, of course,
24:23I'd like to know,
24:24where does Terry Wogan come from?
24:26They're pygmies, aren't they?
24:27The Wogan family, aren't they?
24:29Is there not a...
24:30Which country?
24:31Ireland.
24:31Oh, thank you for saying that.
24:35No, they're the Welsh...
24:36They're the Gugans, originally.
24:38The land of my father.
24:40That's right, he comes from the land of the Wallis,
24:41where if the Davises come from, yes?
24:43Oh, I think.
24:43Oh, yes.
24:44I like it.
24:45No, he doesn't,
24:45because he himself grew up in Ireland,
24:47and his family came from Wales, originally,
24:49and there was a John Wogan,
24:50who left in 12.95 for Ireland,
24:52and all Wogans in Ireland are said to descend from this Welsh Ireland.
24:56But there's one thing he's done,
24:58this Wogan,
24:59which is a unique sporting achievement.
25:01But how, Wogan?
25:02Oh, I know what this is.
25:03Yeah, come on.
25:03The longest recorded putt on television.
25:06Absolutely right.
25:06Longer than any professional golfer.
25:0933-yard putt at Glen Eagles.
25:11I've seen it.
25:11It's an amazing...
25:12Flop-a-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
25:14Rich?
25:14Ever since the Clangers have been lost.
25:19The last picture I recognised was the KKK,
25:23and that's pretty sad.
25:26Anyway.
25:28Finally,
25:28What percentage of money donated to children in need actually goes to cover administration costs?
25:35What percentage?
25:35I'm above Ed.
25:36Yes.
25:3790%.
25:38It would be disappointing if that were true.
25:41It is not.
25:42I'm happy to say less than that.
25:43None.
25:44None at all.
25:45You're right.
25:45Nada.
25:46Not one percent.
25:48There's no administration at all.
25:49It's a shamble.
25:54Oh, my goodness me.
25:58The first children in need telethon, what year would you guess it was?
26:021979.
26:03Oh, you're only one year out.
26:041978.
26:05Oh, wrong way.
26:07It's 1980.
26:09And how much did it raise?
26:10£20.
26:12It was about £1 million.
26:14Last year's appeal, £17,235,256.
26:19Well, that's not very good in terms of the rate of inflation, is it?
26:22Are you urging the public to do better?
26:24They've probably got other things to spend their money on.
26:27No, that's not how it works!
26:35All cynicism aside, it is a splendid thing that children in the inexistent does so well
26:39and has made so much money, and it's all thanks to people like you.
26:43Thank them all very much.
26:44Speaking of which, I have some marking to do, and my goodness me, as I'm in a charitable mood,
26:49I should give the scores in millions.
26:51And we have a clear winner, with three million points, our first-timer, Jonathan Ross, ladies and gentlemen.
27:03I feel like you've just seen that far.
27:06It goes in second place, ladies and gentlemen, with two million points, Rich Hall.
27:15With one million points, in third place, Phil Jupitus.
27:26And I'm afraid in bottom place, with an extraordinary minus 29 million, it's Alan Davis.
27:47My thanks and applause to Rich, Jonathan, Phil and Alan.
27:50I leave you with a wise advice about your little ones, and it comes from Robert Aubin.
27:54Never raise your hand to your children.
27:56It leaves your midsection unprotected.
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