- 12 hours ago
First broadcast 9th December 2005.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Phill Jupitus
Dara O Briain
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Phill Jupitus
Dara O Briain
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, the show
00:06which plucks the low-hanging fruit from the groaning tree of knowledge.
00:10Plucking my plums tonight will be Phil Jupiters, Jara O'Brien, Phil Bailey, and Alan Davis.
00:28Now let's see what you actually will be plucking tonight, so if you would, Phil goes, Dara goes, Bill goes,
00:49Alan goes,
00:56Good. Well, Alan and mine will be played together.
00:59I'll try it.
01:04And you can see the visual accompaniment on the website.
01:11Now, as to bonuses, we have a special wrinkle tonight. One of the pieces of information I will give you
01:17will be false, and you have a QI Doubt card in front of you.
01:21If you think that what I've said is untrue, you may show your card.
01:26Just one thing will be untrue.
01:28Just, yeah.
01:29Oh, Mr. Fry, you spoil us with your bonus points.
01:35Now, I'm going to look after my little guests.
01:39Now, what I want you to do first is tell me all about the 12 Frenchmen and the 12 Mosquitos.
01:50Once upon a time, there were 12 Frenchmen called Happy, Sleepy, Arrigant, Furious, and des choses comme ça, bof, en
02:05zutelon.
02:07That's six.
02:10Flettre, le lingerie, le tableau.
02:14Le tableau, of course, and jambon et fromage, the three.
02:20And you used to travel along with mosquitoes, solving adventures.
02:23And what were the mosquitoes called?
02:26Cousy, stinking.
02:30It was a very, very low-rent 1950s French detective season that involved, at some point, the extraction of a
02:36tiny amount of blood from one of the suspects.
02:40Yes.
02:42Do you know what else a mosquito can be other than a...
02:44It was a World War II play.
02:46Played out of wood.
02:48Made out of wood, exactly.
02:49Made out of balsa wood and plywood.
02:51What was their great raid?
02:53Tuck shop.
02:56I don't know, was it made into a film?
02:57It was.
02:58There were 12 members of...
03:01The resistance.
03:03The Marquis.
03:03And they were due to be shot by the Gestapo.
03:06And the Allies would send in these 12 mosquitoes to bomb the chateau in Amiens, so that all the prisoners
03:13would escape.
03:14I can't believe that they just blow the bloody doors off.
03:17It's true.
03:18Basically, that was...
03:19In the whole place with 12 bombers.
03:21You're right, what happened was they had to go down an avenue of poplars, which was so narrow, they had
03:25to fly.
03:26Down the end of the poplars.
03:26Yeah, exactly like that.
03:28That's what you'll have to do.
03:30There were 700 prisoners in the prison.
03:32102 were killed by the raid to start with.
03:3574 were wounded.
03:38Then 258 escaped, of which 179 were rounded up within the next few days by the Germans again.
03:44My girlfriend's grandfather flew one of those, and he actually goes now and visits in Germany with the Luftwaffe pilot
03:51whose plane he shot down during the war.
03:54And they go and they sit around and, you know, go, ha, great days.
03:57And, uh, neither of them speak the other language.
04:01Like, he doesn't speak German, the Luftwaffe, doesn't speak English, but they sit there and...
04:04Sit back and...
04:06Yeah.
04:12If you're standing behind there.
04:18That's a whole reenactment.
04:22And for over 50 years, that German man has been peeing in your granddad's tea.
04:27Yeah.
04:32We had an Airfix model of one of those.
04:34I gave it to my dad for his birthday, and he made it before breakfast.
04:40And he put the transfers on.
04:42Yeah.
04:42Painted it and everything.
04:43Yeah.
04:44That's a pain, because you have to put them in hot water and wait for them to slip off.
04:47And then, of course, with chubby six-year-old fingers, you just end up covered in swastikas.
04:53It's not a good look at it.
04:54You go to school, and they think you're in the BNP, and it's, no, I've been trying to make a
04:58hindfall, sir.
04:59Yeah.
05:01The raid was a partial success, but now let's look at a complete catastrophe.
05:07When the Titanic sank, what was the first thing that happened to the crew?
05:14Oh, terrible luck for them, but they actually had their six-month review, and...
05:26They drowned.
05:30Did you say they drowned?
05:32I said they drowned.
05:33Oh, dear, no.
05:36No, I was going to say they were fired.
05:38Every single member of the crew had their wages stopped at the moment of the sinking.
05:43They slept pay them.
05:44The moment a ship sinks, it is no longer a ship, therefore you can't work on it,
05:48therefore the White Star Line paid them up to the minute of the sinking and not the end.
05:52I would imagine that in a sinking situation, you'd hope to be getting time and a half.
05:56This is it.
05:59Frankly, trouble bubbles.
06:00Just a little something over the back end.
06:03As soon as you're in the water, you've got to be looking for work.
06:06That's true.
06:09Get on your pedalo and look for work.
06:13But apparently at the time, White Star were considered one of the more generous employers.
06:18I think it was five pounds a month.
06:20Not very much.
06:21Do you know about the Duff Gordon family on the Titanic?
06:23And their terrible gym.
06:26Very good.
06:27No, they offered the crew of Lifeboat number one five pounds to save their lives.
06:33Nobody's quite sure whether this was just greed saying,
06:36I'll give you five pounds if you saved my life,
06:37or whether it was a thank you because their lives were saved.
06:40But whatever the result, the crew themselves were in terrible trouble for accepting a bribe.
06:45And one poor lad, Albert Horswell, survived.
06:49He was one of the lifeboat crew.
06:51Got home, went to see his mother, who slammed the door in his face,
06:56and never spoke to him again because she was ashamed that he had taken a bribe.
06:59She was also bonkers, I remember.
07:02Oh, Mrs. Horswell.
07:07Is it true that someone dressed as a lady?
07:09Supposedly someone did because it was women and children first.
07:12I thought you said somebody dressed as a baby.
07:16A baby.
07:21Yes, cuckoo indeed.
07:22I have a lollipop, and I have no control of my bowels or urine.
07:27I am indeed an infant, and I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle.
07:30Well, that means I am a little baby with a beard.
07:33Yeah.
07:36And madam, might I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?
07:42So long that path, the ones who were paid five pounds were only the able semen.
07:46How can you tell able from ordinary semen?
07:50Well...
07:55When you applied for a job as semen on...
08:00You either registered as an able semen or an ordinary semen, and they accepted your word.
08:06But, you kept a log of your word, which was the real proof of it.
08:09And it was called a certificate of continuous discharge.
08:17Well, staying with the subject of catastrophes,
08:21how would you sink a ship using pistachios?
08:25Cargo of pistachio nuts goes a bit manky or something.
08:28Ah, no, Alan, you are so close on the tail of this.
08:33You can almost feel it pulsing, can't you?
08:35And it's something with the hull, and it is to do with the very...
08:38...quality of pistachios en masse.
08:40They become highly volatile, almost explosive.
08:43Yes, absolutely volatile!
08:45They do!
08:50Absolutely.
08:50I think you share many marks...
08:53Rubbish! That's complete rubbish!
08:54Do you not believe it?
08:55Are you playing your dad's card?
08:57No, never.
08:57That was absolutely true.
08:59Very wise.
09:00Very wise, young Alan.
09:02They are classified under class 4.2 of the International Maritime Dangerous Goods Code,
09:08as flammable solids, brackets, substances liable to spontaneous combustion.
09:13Yes.
09:13They will explode.
09:14A lot of nuts.
09:15Very much like that.
09:18Yeah.
09:19Ice cream is green, isn't it?
09:21And they're very rarely that green pistachios.
09:23Why are they so green, the ice creams?
09:25I don't know.
09:25They only use the green bib.
09:27They only use the green bib.
09:28They only use the green bib.
09:29Honest.
09:32Vanilla is black, and yet vanilla milkshake is white.
09:34Yeah.
09:36As I believe stand-up comedians do.
09:40What's that about?
09:43Yeah.
09:43Yeah.
09:49My next question is, name another dangerous nut.
09:59Walnut.
10:00Yes.
10:01Is it?
10:02Yes.
10:04Extraordinary.
10:08Like pistachios, they also can spontaneously combust.
10:12Yeah.
10:12Oh.
10:13They explode on contact with fondant.
10:17So walnut whips, sir.
10:19Time bombs.
10:21That was an amazing guess, if it were a guess.
10:24What a guess?
10:24Fantastic.
10:25Walnuts, yep.
10:26Coconuts are dangerous if they fall on your head, obviously.
10:28Of course.
10:28Yeah.
10:28But they're not nuts.
10:30They kill about 150 people a year, though.
10:32Ten times more than sharks do.
10:33I can't imagine the Discovery Channel doing a series of documentaries on the deadly, deadly
10:38coconuts.
10:41And also, people go, the walnuts had a bad press.
10:44Save the walnuts.
10:46It's your adventure holidays where you sit under a palm tree, full of coconuts, in a cage.
10:52Yeah.
10:55Building them.
10:58I actually won a coconut, I don't know.
10:59I went to the fair.
11:00Yeah.
11:00With the child now.
11:02You threw the child?
11:03No, not, you know.
11:03I threw the child.
11:05Yeah, it's obviously a little bit easier, isn't it?
11:06Whoa!
11:09No, I thought I'd get a bit more incentive to win the coconut.
11:12And I chucked it as hard as I can.
11:14I pinged it off.
11:14I picked out the coconut and he just looked at me and glared at me.
11:17No, no, no.
11:19Because he looks like a coconut, he can somehow have a mystic power over them.
11:25Oh, no.
11:30A 70's coconut.
11:31Yeah.
11:34Is a coconut a nut?
11:36No.
11:37You just said it wasn't.
11:38That's right.
11:40Peanuts, almonds, pistachios, Brazils, cashews, coconuts, horse chestnuts, pine nuts are not
11:46nuts.
11:47Tiny shoes.
11:52You weird man.
11:55No, they're just kind of seeds or fruits.
11:57Well, Brazil nut is a kind of seed.
11:58Yes.
11:59Peanuts are actually peas.
12:00They really are dried peas.
12:02Peas split in two the same way that peanuts do.
12:04That's right, they do.
12:08I might get a point for that.
12:09You let me know you like it.
12:10True nuts are walnuts, butternuts, hickory, pecan, wingnut, chestnut.
12:15Not conkers.
12:16No, no.
12:17Beech, oak, stone oak, tan oak, hazel, filbert, corn beans.
12:20Acorns, you mean?
12:21Yes, acorns, exactly.
12:23Beetle.
12:23What about beetle?
12:24A beetle?
12:24Oh, I don't know, actually, a beetle nut.
12:26Imagine if the acorn tasted as good as it looked in its own little cup.
12:31Little green fella.
12:32Oh.
12:34Sadly, they taste like shit.
12:38Beetle nuts are not nuts, it says in my special screen.
12:41The little QILs are hacking away at the emerald mine of knowledge as we speak.
12:49Now, why would Rolls-Royce have any use for a chicken farm?
12:56They probably use the feathers to fill the seats with...
12:59Interesting thought.
13:04I just, this is off the dump, going on, we're on a roll with a walnut.
13:08Yeah.
13:09Is it something to do with Rolls-Royce engines and they test them by throwing chickens?
13:14Just give the man a peanut.
13:15He's absolutely right.
13:16Is that right?
13:17Yep.
13:21We have to make clear, we're talking about Rolls-Royce PLC, which is an aero engine company,
13:25as opposed to Rolls-Royce Motorcars Limited, which is owned by BMW.
13:30To say, mate, the everyday occurrence of a chicken being caught in your radiator as you're driving down there.
13:35It's just bird strike, don't they, don't they?
13:37It's bird strike.
13:38That sounds so butch when you put it like that, doesn't it?
13:40You'd have to be relatively butch to do the job.
13:42Yes.
13:42Just to get over the emotional difficulty of throwing a live chicken into an air pair.
13:45Yeah.
13:46It would take a fair amount of detachment anyway at the very least.
13:50Yeah, there are chicken cannons, they use cannons.
13:53Chicken?
13:54Really great.
13:55You see, because it is an absolutely vital...
14:04Very good.
14:06I mean, the fact is, you probably wouldn't want to go in an aeroplane where they hadn't tested
14:11for what happened when a bird got sucked into the engine, and the only way they can test it
14:14is to do it.
14:15So, when they have a new engine, they hurl birds at 180 miles per hour out of a cannon.
14:21Did?
14:21They died, we hope, from natural causes.
14:23It's very, very easy to get someone to take the job there if you say you're going to be sucked
14:27in a Rolls-Royce.
14:30Oh, very good.
14:32Presumably, before they developed the chicken cannon, the only other way to do it would
14:35be to send the plane up and then have it scout around for birds.
14:41They hang a little bag of peanuts at the end of it.
14:45With a sign saying, by the way, these are not nuts, they are peas.
14:49So, they're in chicken farms, so they control the weight and size, but they also use duck and turkey.
14:54Turkey?
14:56Not the most adventurous of birds, attitude-wise.
15:01Chickens don't get very high either, really, do they?
15:04No, they do it in the fight from a cannon.
15:08Whatever happened to, firing a bloke with a little helmet out of a cannon, that was all
15:11the rage that I was thinking.
15:13I think that he would not do that another time, once he'd been in the engine once.
15:17It was invented by a man called Ilda Brando.
15:21Zachini was the real inventor of the human cannonball.
15:24And the Zachini family did it for generations.
15:26It shortens your back.
15:27You're right.
15:28It compresses your spine, which is not like a...
15:30Even worse is when two Zachini girls were fired simultaneously in a kind of despair.
15:35They hit each other.
15:37Have you had an accident at work?
15:45I can see them now on the advert.
15:46Mr. Zachini.
15:47Well, I'll be sure I have a cannon for last second.
15:53I'm speaking in such a...
16:00Chickens get fired out of cannons at about 136 miles per hour, which is pretty fast, but only one
16:05three hundred and sixty thousandth the speed of light, or sea, as it is called, because
16:14it is the universal constant and not relative to anything else.
16:17My sea question is, who invented the theory of relativity?
16:22Oh, this is one of your...
16:26Oh, so little trusty.
16:30It was Albert Agmont.
16:35I'm not going to tell.
16:38He was a very great physicist, do you know?
16:40Which one?
16:41The theory of relativity.
16:42Which one?
16:43The theory of relativity.
16:44Not the special one, not the general one.
16:45Very good question.
16:47The first theory of relativity.
16:49To rest Aristotle's theory of absolute rest, in fact.
16:53Because you're a bit of an old science bod.
16:54Yeah, but, you know, not in a way that like to be quizzed on television.
16:57I bet it turns out to be Einstein and an elaborate bluff.
17:03How much do you want to risk the...
17:08Um, the cloak of doubt.
17:12Big, big hitter.
17:13The biggest, really.
17:15Newton.
17:15Second biggest then.
17:17Einstein.
17:18Oh, did you say Einstein?
17:21Oh, that's care!
17:23You took so much care not to say Einstein.
17:26You know, fish bite hooks.
17:27No, Galileo, Galilei.
17:29I'm thinking of Galileo.
17:30He just did telescopes.
17:33Tell him.
17:33Put him right about Galileo.
17:35Just founder of more modern physics.
17:37Could he make a good pasta sauce?
17:41Anyway, there we are.
17:42Einstein was responsible for the special and the general theories of relativity.
17:461905 and 1915 or 16.
17:4815, I think you're right.
17:49Yes, respectively.
17:50But the original idea of relativity was Galileo.
17:53What happened, this is my question to you, what happened to three quarters of the people
17:57accused of witchcraft in England?
18:00Drowned.
18:00Burned.
18:01Killed.
18:06We were much gentler than you might think.
18:08They were acquitted.
18:09Really?
18:10Yeah.
18:10It's not saying the wrong message to witches.
18:14We were apparently rather resistant to the idea of destroying witches in England.
18:20Unlike views espoused in so-called books, and I use the word book very loosely, like the
18:26Da Vinci code.
18:29It is complete loose stool water.
18:31It is arse gravy of the worst kind.
18:38He's a blues singer.
18:42Please welcome, loose stool water.
18:49Very good.
18:51Excellent.
18:53Well, that particular panful of that material did claim that about five million women were
18:59burned or hanged around Europe for being witches.
19:01There's absolutely no evidence there's anything like as much as that.
19:04Probably about 500, probably less, in England.
19:08And they weren't burned, they were hanged.
19:10The lawyer would have said, maybe not go to court dressed like that.
19:14Yeah.
19:16Two possibly burned.
19:18That's the only evidence that two were burned.
19:20The rest were hanged.
19:21Probably about four or five hundred at the most.
19:23There are lots of hammer films.
19:24The devil rides out and those kind of things.
19:26Usually Peter Cushing, and sometimes if you were very lucky, they would have Charles
19:30Grey in a huge white smock.
19:32Peter Cushing lived in Whitstable when I lived in Whitstable.
19:36And a local band had a song about him, which went, Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable.
19:40I have seen him on his bicycle.
19:42I have seen him buying vegetables.
19:44Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable.
19:48What a great song.
19:51Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable.
19:55You see, this is the first rule of pop music.
19:57Write about what you know, what you see out of the window.
20:01I worked with him.
20:02He was extraordinary.
20:03He was one of the few people who, when he was introduced to a woman, could kiss their
20:06hand.
20:06And it was just from another era.
20:08Christopher Lee, bite the finger off.
20:11I was about to do a film with Christopher Lee.
20:13He was rather scary.
20:14He said, oh, Chris isn't scary at all.
20:17He's lovely.
20:18I tell you what, I'll call him up.
20:20And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:23And he picked up the phone.
20:24He said, Chris, darling, Chris, it's Peter.
20:27It's great.
20:28It's, you know, Van Helsing and Dracula on the phone again.
20:33He said, I've got a young actor who's going to work with you in a film and he's rather scared
20:36of you, so talk to him.
20:41Hello, who are you?
20:43And then, Stephen, I'm really looking forward to working with you in a film.
20:45Yes, well, I'll see what I expect on the set.
20:47Could you pass me back to Mr. Cushing, please?
20:51Peter, I have seen you buying vegetables.
20:56Was there a moment when he said, I am, oh, I know, Peter, I'll call him up.
21:00Do you expect him to go?
21:09You sought me.
21:13Another man I was very proud to have met.
21:15The Hammer film of The Witchfinder General starred Vincent Price.
21:20You just wanted him to say things like, could you pass the mustard to me?
21:27Thunder and lightning.
21:31I got him to say the line that I loved.
21:33It was from one of those films where he's strangely bound up in some weird bandages.
21:38Pray speak quietly every sound you make is exquisite agony to me.
21:45And so, now to our own little backwater of superstition, heresy and horror,
21:50the infernal nether regions of general ignorance.
21:53So fingers on buzzers, please, if you would.
21:55Name a softwood.
21:58Have a balsa wood.
22:00Oh!
22:02A nabbit.
22:04Although it is...
22:06Plywood.
22:10Oh, blessed.
22:13Pine.
22:14Ah!
22:15You get some points back for pine, which is a softwood.
22:17Balsa wood, although it is the softest, almost the softest of woods,
22:20is actually a hardwood, technically.
22:23Ah.
22:23Comes from a broad-leaved deciduous tree.
22:26Balsa is a softwood, not a softwood.
22:28Um.
22:30It's moth-proof as well.
22:33Unlike my trousers.
22:35Jesus.
22:36Uh.
22:38There.
22:39Why do they go in that area?
22:41I don't know.
22:42In the flesh and clump, I suppose.
22:46What a little down there, my dear.
22:49Um.
22:50You will have a light bulb in here.
22:56Good.
22:57Heavens above.
22:59Um.
22:59Now.
22:59So there you are.
23:00Yes.
23:01Balsa wood is moth-proof.
23:02What happens, though, if you cut an earthworm in half?
23:05You get two earthworms.
23:07No.
23:10You get one dead worm in two pieces.
23:14They do have death throes that last a long time, but they're dead.
23:17You don't get two worms, I'm afraid.
23:18There is a flatworm called the planaria, and a man can't get it.
23:21A doctor called T.H.
23:22Morgan found that a piece of planaria, which was 1 279th of its original size, could regenerate
23:31into a whole originally-sized planaria.
23:34As I say, if you cut an earthworm in half, you get two halves of a dead worm, usually.
23:37Sometimes the head end will survive, but you can't get two worms from one.
23:42Now, moving on.
23:43Um.
23:44Oh, I'm holding a pen.
23:45That brings me cleverly to the fissure-pressurized space pen, which you may have heard tell.
23:49It was developed after a lot of expensive research to enable astronauts to write in zero gravity.
23:55What alternative writing implement could they have used instead?
24:01Here comes the big noise.
24:02A pencil.
24:03No!
24:06Yeah.
24:07There is a kind of urban myth that the Americans spent millions on building a pressurized gravity-free
24:12fire while the clever Russians just used a pencil, but in fact, they started off, both of them
24:17using pencils, and the tip broke, and when the tip breaks, it floats around and it gets
24:22into short-circuits things, gets into people's eyes and bodies.
24:24It's very dangerous indeed.
24:26Oh, but what a laugh that must be to have a pencil sharpener on the spaceship.
24:29It's very dangerous.
24:31It's very dangerous.
24:33It's very dangerous.
24:36It's very dangerous.
24:36One thing is to do in zero gravity.
24:39Yeah.
24:40So, it's sadly not true, that story.
24:41An ordinary biro would have worked.
24:43It didn't need a special pressurized one.
24:45You need to write upside down.
24:47It needs to be pressurized.
24:48When there's gravity, but when there's no gravity, an ordinary one will work.
24:51Here's something quite interesting.
24:52Not many people know, Neil Armstrong, when he first set foot on the moon, he was heard
24:57to say, good luck, Mr. Gorski.
24:59And when someone said, what do you mean by good luck, Mr. Gorski?
25:01He said, well, when I was a boy, I used to play baseball with my brother.
25:04And, um, our neighbors were called the Gorskis, and I once hit baseball into their garden,
25:09and I went to retrieve it, and they were in the bedroom, and I heard Mrs. Gorski said, oral
25:14sex.
25:15I'll have oral sex with you the day that kid next door walks on the moon.
25:18Um.
25:24Oral!
25:26Oral!
25:27Oral!
25:28Oral!
25:28Oral!
25:30Oral!
25:31It is bollocks, indeed it's bollocks.
25:32But it is surprising how many people believe it to be true.
25:35Neil Armstrong himself is constantly being asked about it.
25:38Saying, is it true about this Gorski or whatever the name was?
25:40Oh, my God's sake, no, it is not true.
25:42Which brings us to the scores.
25:44Now, actually, Dara, you did rather well last time.
25:47Uh, you were standardist with your knowledge on the triple point of water.
25:51Yes.
25:51Do you remember?
25:51What was it again?
25:52The triple point of water is the first temperature of which water can exist in all three states.
25:56And what is it?
25:57It's zero.
25:58That's right.
26:00Now, you see.
26:02You see.
26:02We never forget.
26:03That's what you said last time, and we gave you points for it.
26:07But we're not going to take those points away from a previous series.
26:13Plus the forfeit, of course, because some of our eagle-eyed viewers wrote in to point out that the triple
26:18point of water is actually, by definition, 0.01 degrees centigrade.
26:23That's 12 points off.
26:24But it's hardly...
26:24Well, I was rounding off.
26:27When you were at school, the definition of the triple point was 0 degrees centigrade.
26:31The new international temperature scale has adopted in 1990 the new definition, which is 0.01.
26:38How many people sat at home watching that and said, it's just a comedy show, but I'm not letting that
26:42flicker get away with that?
26:46You'll be sweet back.
26:47You've got points for that.
26:54But for now, I can give you scores.
26:57In first place, with plus three, it's Bill Bailey, ladies and gentlemen.
27:05In second place, and he would have been a resounding winner with minus eight, it's Dara O'Brien, ladies and
27:12gentlemen.
27:13Tip to the post.
27:16Third place with minus 18, Phil Jupiters.
27:22And our super sore aways, lack of success.
27:26Alan Davis, minus 47 in fourth place.
27:36So, it's goodnight from Phil, Dara, Bill and Alan.
27:39And I leave you with this sobering thought from astronaut John Glenn, the first man to orbit the Earth.
27:45When asked to describe his last thoughts before taking off into space, I looked around me and suddenly realized, he
27:51said,
27:51that I was sitting on a million tons of fuel in a rocket that had been built by the lowest
27:56bidder.
27:57Good night.
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