- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 2nd December 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
David Mitchell
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
David Mitchell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh!
00:02Good evening!
00:04Good evening!
00:08And welcome to an idiot-proof episode of QI
00:13for a quite interesting look at intelligence.
00:16Joining us tonight are some of the biggest brains of Britain,
00:19the discerning David Mitchell,
00:24the judicious Joe Brand,
00:30And the perspicacious Phil Jupiters and the Alan Davis and they're absolutely buzzing
00:51with intelligence. David goes. Joe goes. Phil goes. And Alan goes. Pass.
01:11Oh, yeah. Anyway, don't forget your Nobody Knows, Jokers. Would you dream of forgetting them?
01:18Nobody Knows. Yes. In this series, there is one question to which nobody knows the answer.
01:24Right. Question one is pretty challenging and very much the kind of thing that gets discussed
01:30by academics in the finest universities. So you may want to make notes. How do you get
01:34a goose interested in volleyball? Joe. I like to reply with a question. How do you get
01:44anyone interested in it? I believe the removal of clothes is part of the... That's beach
01:51volleyball, though, isn't it? Well, when I say in volleyball, really, I should be using
01:55an indefinite article. There's a great difference between a goose being interested in volleyball
01:58and a goose being interested in a volleyball. Ah, make one out of goose food. That would do.
02:05Oddly enough, you don't need to do that. If their natural egg is light blue and flecked
02:09with grey, scientists have found that you can make the eggs bigger and bigger and make
02:15them really bright blue with great big black polka dots, and they'll sit on those instead.
02:20In other words, there's no upper limit. It's about the shape and the colour, not bizarre.
02:25Yeah. It's a bit like us. We should eat enough food to keep ourselves alive, but we have no
02:29upper limit in the amount. We'll have another bar of chocolate and another one and another
02:33one, then we end up looking like me. And we shouldn't. Is that why you're wearing the
02:39Cadbury's livery? Yeah. Hoping for a freebie, as always. No, it is, evolutionally speaking,
02:48the bigger the egg, the more likely it is to want to sit on it because it's more likely
02:51to be a healthy, larger chick. They'll be thrilled. This is going to be the most amazing
02:56goose ever. Exactly. That's the thing. And so you can literally go up and say, they'll sit
02:59on a volleyball, because that's a kind of flaw in nature, if you like. I have to say,
03:04we have to include ourselves in this, don't we? I mean, there are certain things we need,
03:08but we don't need in excess, like sugar and fat and sex, and yet we spend a lot of our
03:13time eating chocolates and doing things on the internet. Sounds like my perfect holiday,
03:18that does. Brilliant, isn't it? Sugar, fat and sex. Yes, it is. But we've got the awareness
03:24that we do that. We at least have the awareness. The goose sitting on the volleyball isn't thinking,
03:29oh, this is a bit much. The world doesn't need giant geese. You're right. We have the
03:35extra curse of consciousness that we are fools. They're just fools without knowing it. It's
03:40called supernormal stimuli, and it seems to exist in a lot of species, actually. Yeah.
03:46Anyway, geese like their eggs, the bigger the better, and they just don't know where to
03:50stop, which may seem stupid, but name an intelligent bird. Yes. Me.
04:06I was going to say Shirley William. She is much more intelligent than I am. I've got a big
04:12myself up. No, I've got a very low IQ. No one else will. I don't believe that for a second.
04:16It's 83. Oh, my God, you're barely human. I don't think there are any intelligent birds.
04:24Their brains are so incredibly tiny. Well, like an owl, for example. I know this is a thing.
04:3265% of their skull is the eyes. The brain is virtually nothing. Yes, you're right. It's very
04:38hard to judge intelligence in a bird. There are different ones. Can they count is one,
04:42and certainly there are birds that can count. Cormorants can count to eight. You may say,
04:49no, hang on. It's because they're used by Chinese fishermen, and they will catch a fish and drop
04:55it on the boat, and then the eighth one, the eighth one they keep for themselves. Eight.
05:00Eight. That's mine. Yes. Finished. Nine. But the generally smartest group is not smart because they
05:11count. It's because they solve problems, and this group are the corvids, which is to say,
05:16well, do you know what it means? The crows. The crows, the ravens, the jackdaws, the magpies.
05:21What's interesting is they can look at a problem. I've seen experiments where they've had,
05:25you know, a gate that's pulled up on a string, which goes round a sort of pulley system, and they
05:31will look at it, and then they'll go straight to pull the right piece of string to raise the door.
05:37We've got film here, for example, of a crow, actually. There, some, this, it hasn't seen this
05:43hook at all, ever. It's its first time. It's working it out. It's seen that it's got a bent end.
05:50It's put it at the right end, and now it's pulling that out. How bizarre. It's quite extraordinary.
05:56Yep, and it's got its food. They do seem like the most evil of birds. They're often considered
06:01creatures of ill omen, aren't they? And in Shakespeare, they're often used as symbols. Yeah, but that's
06:06because you're just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing. Yeah. If you imagine a crow. You think
06:11I should get something else for my iPod? Tijuana Taxi by Herb Albert. Yes, exactly. You see,
06:17that's a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it. Take the edge of it. No, but even if you had
06:20Carmina,
06:21if you had Carmina Burana and you were looking at a robin, you wouldn't think the robin was evil,
06:25would you? I would. Would you? Yeah, dirty bastard. Music can be. Anyway, there are intelligent birds,
06:33it would seem, and in the crow family, they display intelligence aplenty. Who first cracked the Enigma code?
06:41Kiss. Was it the Poles? Top man. Absolutely right. You're a good soul. Yep. There's a general
06:55feeling that we did all the work, but in fact, it was a Pole in 1932, as early as that,
07:00who first
07:00cracked how an Enigma machine worked, but in the late 1930s, the Germans changed the way they
07:06worked, so that I think there was something like 364 billion possible settings each day to the Daily Code.
07:13Now, that's not something you could guess, but the first one to crack it in the beginning to see how
07:18it worked
07:18was a young Polish mathematician called Marian Rajevsky, and if you ever go to Bletchley Park, and I do urge
07:23you to do so,
07:24there is a splendid statue to him, and... Have they got a good shop there?
07:28They have a very nice shop. They also have a museum of computing, which I know would excite you almost...
07:33Oh, indeed.
07:33Indeed, I can... Already moist.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:39I mean, it is well established that the work on Enigma did do a great deal to hasten the end
07:46of the war.
07:46Eisenhower estimated that it shortened the war by two years, which is hundreds of thousands of lives.
07:52So, it was an extraordinarily important thing that these boffins got together, but how do you think they were first
07:57brought together at Bletchley Park? What was the first move the government made to assemble the boffins?
08:03Singles club.
08:05LAUGHTER
08:05It was almost... It was almost a... It was a telegraph crossword competition.
08:10Especially fiendish telegraph crossword, and the winners were sent letters saying,
08:14you might be our kind of chap.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17But anyway, they then soon became aware that having people who knew that cart horse was an anagram of orchestra
08:23was not going to win them the war.
08:25They needed really great mathematical minds.
08:27It's when the world changed, isn't it?
08:29It's when the world changed.
08:30It'll be fascinating conundrums that the Nazis will set us.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35We'll have to find clues and follow them.
08:38No, you just need a supercomputer.
08:40Unfortunately, there was a man ready for it.
08:43It just happened to be that history had thrown up a quite brilliant mathematician
08:46called Alan Turing, who was at Cambridge at the time.
08:49There he is. He's considered the father of computing,
08:51one of the truly great men of his time,
08:54and you may remember Gordon Brown making an impassioned but far too late apology
08:58on behalf of the British government for his terrible death.
09:01He was persecuted for his homosexuality and chemically castrated
09:05and then committed suicide by eating a poisoned apple.
09:08And there are many to this day who believe that Apple computers
09:11named their apple with the bite out of it in honour of Alan Turing,
09:15the father of computing.
09:15And I was in a position to ask one of the founders, Steve Jobs,
09:20and he said, it isn't true, but God we wish it were.
09:24It's just a coincidence, but they're very proud that people think it might be,
09:27because he was a simply extraordinary man.
09:29But the real fiendish thing was not an enigma, it was called Lorenz.
09:33And for Lorenz, it was used between German High Command and Hitler himself, basically.
09:38And Lorenz was unbelievably difficult.
09:40And for that, Turing and his team built what really was the world's first computer.
09:45It was called Colossus.
09:46And it was way ahead at the time. It was quite extraordinary.
09:49It was all a complete sort of national secret until very recently, wasn't it?
09:54Yeah. Or quite recently.
09:55Absolutely. There is Pletcher Park.
09:58And it has opened the public. I'm a big advocate for it,
10:00so I make no apology for banging its drum. It's a great place.
10:04It's an interesting choice that we took as a nation, though,
10:06you know, during the Second World War, which was an expensive experience for us,
10:09and left us bankrupt.
10:10But out of it, we had basically invented the computer.
10:13Yeah.
10:14And we decided to make it a secret.
10:16Yes.
10:17In any sense, attempting to monetize it.
10:20Well, actually, we gave the secret of Colossus to the CIA.
10:22Oh, superb.
10:23Yeah.
10:24Oh, well...
10:25Yes.
10:26That's an excellent move.
10:27It was...
10:27No-one will be needing that.
10:29But there's a great...
10:30There's a great memo, because there are a lot of people in British government
10:32who thought, what are these people in faintly damp tweed, with pipes and glasses,
10:36doing, writing on bits of paper here?
10:39And that's quite a big budget.
10:40I mean, what are they doing?
10:41And Churchill had a look round, and a fellow explained to him what they were doing,
10:44and then there's a very famous memo in Churchill's hand that just says,
10:48give them what they want.
10:50Fantastic, that, isn't it?
10:51Well, can I just ask, and you may not be able to answer this,
10:54but what was the nature of the Enigma code?
10:57Was it mathematical, or was it...?
10:59Yes.
10:59I mean, don't ask me to give it to precise details.
11:02I'm really no expert.
11:02But it was a purely physical, mechanical device,
11:06but it had so many different rotors
11:09that had so many different angles and positions
11:11that there were hundreds of billions of permutations.
11:13It was our job was to intercept or work out what the code word of the day was,
11:19and then we could translate the messages.
11:22It was all very odd.
11:23But they were very lazy.
11:24It relied on Germans making mistakes by using the names of their dogs and things.
11:27So a lot of intelligence was gathered about the people in naval intelligence in particular,
11:31about what their dogs, their girlfriends, their addresses and things like that,
11:34because it's a bit like passwords, you know.
11:35I'm beginning to think that people will be able to hack into my John Lewis account now.
11:42Not named after your dog, surely.
11:44They invented a computer and finished the war early,
11:46but the cyber war being waged by China will be the death of all of us.
11:51Yeah, there is some, you know, the worry about it is,
11:54I mean, I was speaking to a man at Los Alamos,
11:55which is where they developed the nuclear bomb,
11:58and obviously the science now goes in other directions.
12:00They said they had something like a million attacks an hour
12:04on their sort of cyber front-end security.
12:06And I said, what, what, hackers?
12:08And they said, no, no, nations.
12:09Well, let's be honest, one nation.
12:12And I was interviewing him on camera, and I said, would it, would it rhyme with binary?
12:18And he said, it might well do.
12:20And I said, that's how many times they're battering on the doors of your security.
12:23Well, they must do, though.
12:23They've got thousands of computers.
12:25Absolutely, that a slave...
12:26Trying to work it out 24 hours a day.
12:29And presumably we're attempting in our own befuddled way to do the same.
12:33If we've got a ZX-80 on it 24 hours.
12:39Except when Wimwood was on.
12:42Yeah, we've got a crow that can get a tiny bucket out of a perfect studio.
12:47Take that, Jonah.
12:50Now, how long does the perfect job interview last?
12:54Yes, Jay.
12:57How long does a blowjob take?
13:06The extraordinary thing is...
13:08The answer is exactly what I got on my card.
13:11It's got...
13:11It's 12 seconds.
13:14You're absolutely right.
13:17Wow.
13:18Very good.
13:19Yes, it does seem that 12 seconds is enough.
13:22And bizarrely, you don't even have to hear.
13:25You can see video of someone, and most people will agree, give him or her the job.
13:30After 12 seconds, the mind has been made up, it seems.
13:33There is something about the attitude, the confidence, or whatever it is, it's likely to come across in 12 seconds.
13:39And if it hasn't come across by then, it won't come across any more than that.
13:43So it would seem...
13:44Have you ever had to apply for a job?
13:45I've applied for loads of jobs, never got any of them.
13:49You're here, aren't you?
13:51Yeah, well, that's true.
13:52You've got this one.
13:53I slept with you, as well known.
13:55Oh, that's right.
13:55Only the best 12 seconds of my life.
14:06Yeah, I've applied for loads of jobs, and not got a lot of them.
14:09But I mean, so much, I think, is to do with appearance, isn't it, as well?
14:13And as a fat person, you are pretty swiftly written off if there's a thin person in the offing.
14:19Because that sort of thing makes a really big difference, I think.
14:23It's true, but it's unspoken, and they would never dare admit it, would they?
14:26That's the problem.
14:27Well, they've told me a few times.
14:30They'd have to employ you, but they've got a thin person.
14:34I understand.
14:37What about you, Alan?
14:38What have you done before you went to comedy?
14:40I never wanted to have a job.
14:43In the event of an interview, wear flip-flops.
14:49That's brilliant.
14:49You would never be employed.
14:51When you go in, put your feet up on the desk,
14:55and they'll get the next person.
14:56I don't think that's fair.
14:58Yeah, well, we have here a list of job interview questions that you shouldn't ask
15:02if you're on this side of the table, as it were,
15:04if we're the interviewing panel.
15:05You're not supposed to ask, are you a smoker?
15:07I don't know why.
15:08Are you originally from the UK?
15:09Is a...
15:10From the UK?
15:11Is a...
15:13If you're interviewing for a cowboy, that's...
15:18I was going to say, it's not okay to say, are you from the UK?
15:22And I just screwed it up.
15:23Do you have children who will need to be looked after?
15:25You shouldn't ask.
15:27In the event of a fire, will you stop working?
15:31Do you plan to have children in future?
15:33You're not supposed to ask.
15:34And then, what are your weaknesses?
15:35Is a common question given now.
15:38The temptation, of course, is to attempt to subvert it
15:41by naming a weakness which is actually a strength.
15:44Oh, my trouble is I'm just a terrible perfectionist.
15:47You know?
15:47I just can't stop working at things until they're completely perfect.
15:50I'm so punctured.
15:51Yes.
15:52Well, my problem is I'm really nice.
15:54I think I'm too nice, you know.
15:56And that is transparent, so don't do that.
15:58So, you're supposed to say one that is kind of not terrible.
16:01Like, I tend to get bogged down in details,
16:03but I'm making real effort about that.
16:05I'm a terrible thief.
16:11I love other people's stuff.
16:14I also can't const...
16:15Oh, look, there's a squirrel.
16:19What are your weaknesses?
16:20Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily.
16:25What are your strengths?
16:26No, here's another one.
16:27Don't say...
16:28I've got a powerful odour.
16:31It'll only get stronger as the day goes on.
16:38You're still wearing your, I don't want a bloody job hat, aren't you?
16:43These feet stink my foreign pot.
16:46Apparently, don't say, I work well without supervision,
16:49which may seem good, but it sounds, I resent management,
16:53is what you're saying.
16:54So, say, I work equally well with or without supervision.
16:57I relish working in a team.
17:00Yes.
17:03Don't say I'm confident, outgoing and natural leader.
17:06That sort of suggests I'm a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler.
17:09You'd better answer, I have good interpersonal skills.
17:12That's what it says here.
17:13If I met someone who said they had good interpersonal skills,
17:15I would take a rusty knife and I would just do that in their stomach.
17:19And so they're blessed to death.
17:20After the sentence, I have good interpersonal skills,
17:22it's kind of proof that you don't have good interpersonal skills.
17:24Exactly!
17:24You immediately annoy the person you're talking to.
17:27Howard's saying,
17:28I'm comfortable taking instructions from idiots like you.
17:31Yes!
17:34There are weird things like,
17:35the person at the interview might just fall asleep.
17:38And apparently the smart thing to do is to leave a note saying,
17:41I enjoyed meeting you.
17:43Is it?
17:44I would say that's an incredibly unassertive thing to do.
17:48Yes, I agree.
17:49Wake up, you lazy sod.
17:52This is my life we're talking about.
17:54So you mustn't lick their face?
17:58No, that would be good, yeah.
18:00Imagine them waking up and you're there,
18:01just with your tongue on their nose.
18:07See, I had a job in the civil service,
18:10loved that, for about six months,
18:12and they asked me completely the wrong question at the interview,
18:15because if they'd said to me,
18:16are you likely in three months' time to get pissed in the club bar,
18:20go back to your desk, fall asleep,
18:22and then fall off your chair,
18:25I could have said yes,
18:26and they could have not given me the job, you see,
18:28but that was eventually what happened,
18:30and I got sacked, so...
18:32So they stupidly didn't have a question for that?
18:34They had the wrong question.
18:35No one but themselves to blame.
18:36No, absolutely.
18:37Apparently they sometimes also ask questions like,
18:39you know,
18:40how many piano tuners are there in the UK?
18:42What?
18:43I don't know.
18:44Supposed to test your initiative,
18:45or your wit, or something,
18:46and you give an answer.
18:47Will you be taking advantage of bringing your kestrel to work Thursday?
18:50That's all.
18:51That's all.
18:52That's all.
18:52The whole thing sounds horrible,
18:54the world of job interviews.
18:55I don't know.
18:56The thing that seems unfair to me
18:58is the number of people who are expected to pretend
19:00they care about jobs they don't care about.
19:02You should be allowed to say,
19:03look, I'm doing, I'm fulfilling my contract.
19:05You can't put in the contract,
19:06also you have to seem like you give a shit.
19:10I don't think that's expecting too much.
19:13That's why I really like the fact
19:14that we live in a country with such poor customer service.
19:18I've got respect for that.
19:20This is a horrible train,
19:22you're tearing tickets,
19:23of course you're in an awful mood.
19:28Now that you've put it like that,
19:29I shall feel better about it.
19:31You're right.
19:31Why have a cheesy grin on your face
19:34if you are working in an awful supermarket?
19:37It's the sign either of a liar or a moron.
19:40It's quite funny when people are rude in shops.
19:43It still takes a bit by surprise.
19:45My wife went to a shop today,
19:46they wanted to buy an ironing basket.
19:49An ironing basket?
19:49I've never heard of such a thing.
19:51I have no idea we would find something like that.
19:55As far as I can say,
19:56you just put two words next to each other
19:58in a mad way.
20:01Me and my mates would deliberately go
20:03to a Chinese restaurant in Wardour Street
20:05because they were so foul to you.
20:07and the best ever time we went there,
20:11we were actually moved mid-meal
20:13to a different floor of the restaurant.
20:17You've got to stand out!
20:23You've got to stand out,
20:24this table booked.
20:25I'm in the middle of my dinner.
20:27Oh, you've got to stand out.
20:29All the avoiders moved our meal completely upstairs.
20:32I was pissing myself.
20:35Fantastic.
20:37Well, the fact is,
20:38job interviews only need to last 12 seconds,
20:40it seems.
20:41Of course, it helps to believe in yourself as well.
20:43How do you know if you're incompetent?
20:48Yes.
20:50Is it because you did very badly at your last job
20:53which involved organising a piss-up in a brew?
20:57You'd think that would be a hint, wouldn't you?
21:00No, there's a thing called the Dunning-Kruger effect,
21:02which is if you're incompetent,
21:05you don't know it
21:06because the thing that makes you incompetent
21:08means you don't realise what the competent thing is.
21:11So let's imagine you've got a rather mediocre doctor
21:15who hasn't diagnosed something
21:17that a smarter doctor would have done.
21:19The incompetent doctor doesn't know he's incompetent
21:21because he doesn't know what it is that he hasn't done.
21:24Do you see what I mean?
21:25Doesn't he realise that when the patient dies, though?
21:27Patients die anyway.
21:28It's only if some really smart doctor said,
21:30didn't you ask him if he had this?
21:32Then they go, oops.
21:33But the fact is they don't know they're incompetent.
21:35That's sort of what makes you incompetent.
21:37The fact is we don't know what we don't know.
21:39So you're saying you can tell if you're incompetent
21:41if you're happy.
21:44Basically.
21:45Basically, that's right.
21:47There are incompetent people who I think you feel
21:49must know that they're incompetent.
21:51There are a couple of thieves in America,
21:53you'd be surprised to know,
21:54who disguise themselves thusly using magic markers.
22:00They thought they'd get away with that.
22:02That was in Iowa.
22:05There's a look of realisation in their eyes.
22:07All right.
22:08Yes.
22:09We now realise this wouldn't have been sufficient.
22:12Yes.
22:13In 1994, a 31-year-old plumber and part-time terrorist
22:16called Id Salid Al Jahaline
22:18entered the cinema Zalwa in Al-Zarqa in Jordan
22:22with a bomb.
22:23It was showing X-rated films which he disapproved.
22:26So he planted his bomb under a seat
22:28but then carried away watching the film.
22:30And it exploded and took away both his legs.
22:36The bomb?
22:37Yes.
22:38Thank God.
22:41Isn't that excellent news?
22:43Anyway.
22:46Very strange.
22:47Now, would you like to see an ingenious interlude?
22:51I've been trying in this series to get better
22:53at these little chemistry experiments.
22:54They're always my favourite bits.
22:56They are fun.
22:57This is a speaker, as you can see.
22:58And this is corn flour mixed with water,
23:00such as you would buy in any high street corn flour shop
23:04or supermarket.
23:06Used as a thickening agent for...
23:08It's not green, though.
23:09No, we've made it green to make it stand out more.
23:11It has a particular property, this.
23:13It's a non-Newtonian fluid.
23:15It's very peculiar.
23:16What I'm going to do is I'm going to pour it here.
23:18Gloopy, I think is the word there.
23:20And unlike most liquids,
23:21which change their viscosity according to their temperature,
23:24these change their viscosity according to pressure,
23:27action on them.
23:28And we hope that a little bit of sound,
23:29played by Ben, our sound man now,
23:32is going to cause...
23:33As you see, it's beginning to vibrate.
23:35But as it gets louder,
23:37the effect will get more, I hope, extraordinary.
23:39Ooh, it's a wonderful feeling.
23:43I might be able to just give it a little bit of a tickle with a spoon.
23:45Ooh, there we go.
23:47There you are.
23:48You can see the...
23:49If I...
23:50Keep...
23:50Whoops.
23:51The whole state...
23:52And you start to get,
23:53basically, little...
23:54little morphs making love with each other.
23:59So weird.
24:00Oh, there you go.
24:01You have just screwed every stereo of every QI viewer.
24:09Isn't that creepy?
24:10Margaret, get the corn flour.
24:12It's like little wavy...
24:13Little wavy green people.
24:16And they're all rising and making love and...
24:19And it's kind of like...
24:19Oh, yeah, that's what you said.
24:20You're rising back.
24:21Yeah, well, it looks like...
24:22I think they've been burned alive.
24:24Some of them are waving.
24:26Help me, I'm drowning!
24:30Isn't it extraordinary?
24:31It's a big cloud...
24:32And all that is is water and corn flour.
24:34It's quite amazing.
24:35What?
24:36Yeah, it's the actual actions, the vibrations, the physical effect that changes the viscosity.
24:42And they will carry on...
24:42Little gather round.
24:43They climb out.
24:44It actually looks as if they're trying to climb out, don't they?
24:49It's rather beautiful.
24:51That is fantastic.
24:52Isn't it?
24:53It's like a glimpse into hell, isn't it?
24:56Yeah.
24:56All the souls writhing around and trying to escape.
25:01That's exactly it.
25:01That's just what it looks like.
25:02Maybe it is.
25:03It don't taste in agony.
25:06Well, there we are.
25:07And then it goes quiet again.
25:08It settles back into liquid form.
25:09Isn't that amazing?
25:11Yeah.
25:16Well, I've got...
25:18I've got cling film, but they've not furnished me with a wet wipe.
25:24And...
25:25And...
25:25And...
25:26Oh, look at the muck on it.
25:27Yes.
25:27Would you like a tissue?
25:28Anyway, I was at work tonight and I've got green gunkle over me purple suit.
25:32Yeah.
25:32I look like Jack Nicholson.
25:34And...
25:35Oh, there we are.
25:36So, there are various kinds of these non-Newtonian fluids and they are working on a kind of liquid armor,
25:41which is a weird idea, but the higher the pressure of the bullet, the more solid the liquid will become.
25:47How am I only seeing this for the first time tonight?
25:50Isn't it exciting?
25:51Why isn't every time I go around someone's house they playing dub reggae and getting the cornflour out?
25:56I know.
25:57We know what to do next time.
25:59Now, what is this robot designed to do?
26:06Yes.
26:08To overthrow the puny humans?
26:11That's what most robots are designed to do, of course.
26:13It's for hanging a jacket on.
26:14It is.
26:15Well, it's sort of...
26:16This is actually an iron shirt robot.
26:19It irons your shirt.
26:20You put on a shirt and it sort of puffs up and irons it.
26:23It gets rid of its creases.
26:24I think it might...
26:24It might be a replacement husband because it's just sitting there doing fuck all.
26:31That would...
26:32That would be a good job.
26:33The fact is, you know, there was so much promise for robots and a lot of artificial intelligence research and
26:38the fact is...
26:39Sorry, is it just this atmosphere?
26:41Are you thirsty?
26:43I could do...
26:44Can we have a drink?
26:46I've got a friend who's going to give me a drink.
26:47It's not like yo sushi, is it?
26:48No, no.
26:49Here we are.
26:59This is for you.
27:03That's very kind of you.
27:05Welcome to QI, Asimo.
27:08Thank you, Stephen.
27:09It is great to be here.
27:11Isn't he marvelous?
27:12Here I am, brain the size of a planet.
27:16Opening doors.
27:19So you're the most advanced humanoid robot on the planet, is that right?
27:24That is what they tell me.
27:26Why don't you show us what you can do?
27:29I would love to.
27:31Is he going to kill me?
27:32Honestly.
27:34I promise you, you are going to be impressed.
27:38I mean, this is...
27:39But what...
27:40It's this movement that is so simple to us.
27:43You know, they can do calculations we could never dream of doing, any computer.
27:47But this movement he's doing, he's going to go down a step.
27:50Right?
27:52Give him time.
27:53He falls over.
27:54That's 20 million quid up this one, isn't he?
28:01Now...
28:07Now he's going to do something that I think no one in this room will have ever seen.
28:10Which is, I think, truly miraculous.
28:13Studio audience killed by runaway robot.
28:15No.
28:15No.
28:16He is going to run.
28:17I'd like you to run, Asimo.
28:19And this takes him...
28:20It takes him a bit of time.
28:21But he...
28:21Both feet will leave the ground.
28:23And he will run.
28:24Here we go.
28:26Oh!
28:29Isn't that amazing?
28:32Isn't that incredible?
28:38Well done.
28:40Well done, Asimo.
28:41I think it's only fair that you get some points.
28:43Thanks.
28:44But what I would really like is a dance with Joe.
28:51Asimo can be all right.
28:59He wouldn't say that if he met me.
29:03Hi Joe.
29:04Asimo.
29:05Hi, Asimo.
29:06I'm married.
29:08Sorry.
29:17I don't know.
29:18Oh, my.
29:20No.
29:21I don't know.
29:25Oh, yes.
29:25Okay.
29:32Alright.
29:35Okay.
29:37I want to look back.
29:38You've got to look back.
29:47Well done, everybody.
29:50How are you going?
29:58Amazing.
30:00Thank you very much, Ezimo.
30:03Goodbye, then.
30:04What's the battery life of one of these?
30:06I love you.
30:11APPLAUSE
30:16There he goes.
30:18You can't have a feeling that he is heavily weaponised.
30:23So why do you think he's called Ezimo?
30:25Well, can I just say, first of all, it's bloody depressing that even a robot can dance better.
30:31I presume it's an acronym, is it?
30:34Ezimo.
30:35Is it a tribute to Isaac Ezimo?
30:37Well, no, that's what a lot of people assume.
30:39In fact, it's a coincidence.
30:41It comes from the Japanese, assi means feet and moe is short for movement.
30:45It's the most proud, as you can see why, of his extraordinary ability.
30:49I mean, the amount of technology that goes into getting a machine that can walk bipedally like that and run.
30:54It's sort of run.
30:55I mean, I mean, we're at that station now, which is actually amazing to watch, but how far are we
30:59now from Mechagodzilla?
31:00Ah, that's what we need, isn't it?
31:02That's a great, big, tall one, bigger than buildings, running around Tokyo.
31:06Breathing fire as well, isn't it?
31:07I don't know that Mechagodzilla breathed fire as much as had missiles in his fists.
31:11Oh, yes, that's currently one or the other, anyway.
31:14I'm not absolutely sure about the voice, though, because to me it sounds a bit like Michael Jackson, which is
31:19a bit chilling.
31:20Yeah, I know what you mean, I'm straight away, it'd be more reassuring if it was a mechanical voice, uh,
31:25sort of so.
31:25What, like a more sort of, hello, Joe, you wanna dance?
31:29Something.
31:30Or maybe if it was like Stephen Hawking, it could talk to you like him.
31:35Yeah.
31:36Yeah.
31:37I think it would have been more reassuring if it's dancing was sort of like robotic dancing, you know, rather
31:42than trying to be human.
31:44I find its attempts to be human tragic.
31:49Well, aren't you easily?
31:52What I'd like now is for it to be like Jerry Springer and the robot runs on and he goes,
31:55who are you calling rubbish?
31:59And then big blokes in QI black t-shirts have to pull it off the van.
32:04Get off me, you slags, get off me, you slags.
32:08He was asking for it.
32:10I want a DNA test.
32:20At the moment he can recognise people, objects and gestures, obviously he has cameras in there.
32:26He can calculate distances and the direction of movement of several objects and create flexible routes to a destination.
32:31You can also hear and speak to a certain extent as we heard.
32:34You can currently understand about 50 different calls and greetings as well as 30 different commands and can react to
32:39them accordingly.
32:39There's a long way to go, but nonetheless, I was bloody impressed and say thank you very much to Azimo
32:45and his handlers.
32:52So, that brings us to the all-too-human world of general ignorance, so fingers on buzzers if you please.
32:59How many piano tuners are there in the UK?
33:05Is the right answer!
33:09You're good at that.
33:11Yes.
33:12It's a very strange thing.
33:14But even the British Association of Piano Tuners has no idea how many piano tuners...
33:20I think there's somewhere between 1,000 and 10,000 is their guess.
33:24Really? That's really a very wide gap.
33:26It is a very wide gap. They just don't know.
33:28I mean, I suppose you could try and work out.
33:30You could look in the yellow pages and you could...
33:32I can't...
33:32What about the census?
33:34Don't people have to put what their job is in the census?
33:36Yes, but a piano tuner is very often...
33:38It's a kind of moonlighting job.
33:40You don't necessarily...
33:41You're not necessarily a full-time one.
33:43I like the idea that the part-time masturbating terrorist was also a piano tuner as well.
33:47It was many other jobs.
33:49Indeed. Indeed.
33:50And a dental technician.
33:51Also delivered the Baghdad Exchange and Mark.
33:54Yes.
33:55On a clock face, how many times per day
33:57do the two hands overlap?
34:02This is definitely a question to avoid answering at all costs.
34:07I mean, the clock...
34:09Every...
34:09Isn't it not every hour?
34:11The...
34:12Surely it's so 24 to 12 times?
34:18Well, you'd think it would be 24.
34:20You'd think it would until you reason thusly.
34:22That the first time it overlaps is at 12 o'clock.
34:25And then at 5 past 1 and 10 past 2 and 4 past 3...
34:28Yes, you lose an hour.
34:29You lose 2 hours, in fact.
34:31In fact, we can show it speeded up and you can see you can count.
34:33So, it starts with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 5,
34:446, 7, 8...
34:46I feel like I'm getting older.
34:4922 is the answer.
34:51Yeah.
34:51And you can do the math.
34:53As much as the hour hand moves forward to the 1,
34:55it takes a minute hand a little more than 65 minutes to catch up with it, not 60.
35:00And there are 1,440 minutes in the day.
35:03Divided by 65 equals 22.
35:05And the tiny bit.
35:06So, that's 22 overlaps a day.
35:08There.
35:09You look pleased.
35:10Can I just say, I used to think I was intelligent, but I'm not.
35:13Oh, you are.
35:15It's one of those things.
35:16I don't understand that at all.
35:16But you can make up for it by telling us where the biggest clock face in Britain is.
35:20Is it going to be in a public place, like a railway station?
35:22Is it a...
35:23Yeah, yeah, I know.
35:24Is it one of those, like, garden ones?
35:25Is it a floral?
35:26No, it's not.
35:26It's not far from here.
35:28The Palace of Westminster.
35:29Oh, no, I'm afraid it's not the Palace of Westminster.
35:33It's not, um...
35:34It's not what is wrongly called Big Ben or St. Stephen's Tower.
35:37It's not that one.
35:38Though that is a jolly big one.
35:39That's 23 foot in diameter.
35:40The one we're after is...
35:41I won't say opposite of it, because it's on the same...
35:43Is it the wheel?
35:44The millennium wheel?
35:45Does that get used to it?
35:45No, that doesn't go into the clock.
35:47It's opposite the millennium wheel, virtually.
35:49I mean, it's...
35:50Of the Shell building?
35:51The Shellmex building on the Strand.
35:53Absolutely right.
35:53It's now the headquarters of Penguin, the publishers.
35:55There it is.
35:56Oh, yeah.
35:57It's rather splendid.
35:57It's the biggest clock face in Britain.
36:00The second biggest after that is actually not in London at all.
36:02There's the Royal Liver building clock, which is also slightly bigger than the...
36:07What we'll call the convenience.
36:08That's it.
36:09That's it.
36:09I'm asking.
36:10Yeah, that's it.
36:11The laser building there.
36:12Hey.
36:13Hey.
36:15Now then.
36:16Now then.
36:17Of course it's a soup.
36:20So the hands on a clock, anyway, overlap 22 times a day.
36:23When was time immemorial?
36:28The Simpsons...
36:30I mean, this isn't it, right?
36:33Ta-da!
36:34Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
36:38The time before the Simpsons.
36:40Yes.
36:41See that?
36:42I don't really understand what time immemorial means.
36:45What it means is if you say, for example,
36:47If you can prove in the court of law say that you've been grazing your sheep on a piece of
36:51common land since time immemorial
36:53That means that you don't have to re-justify your right to do it
36:57But it's a practice that is established and it's been done since I'm immemorial. Does it literally mean forever?
37:02Well, no, it doesn't it actually it specifically originally meant the 6th of July 1189
37:09Which has been a lot of excitement in the run-up
37:13Time immemorial tomorrow
37:17Oh
37:19It's last we can get things sorted because whatever's happening tomorrow. We sticked it
37:25It was the day of the coronation of a particular sovereign in our country
37:30So she said the first you read history and that's damn good
37:34It shows that that wasn't a wasted education was indeed Richard the first who was crowned in
37:391189 and for some reason it was it decided then that the first statute of Westminster
37:45Which was a few years after his reign it defined his reign as the limit of legal memory
37:50Did they have to raise such an army just to catch those two seagulls?
37:59There they are! After them men have been flying since time immemorial!
38:06The one on the right is saying I can't believe we're doing all this for those two proxy seagulls
38:12Do you think the French when they saw that lot coming towards them thought oh my god, it's the Red
38:15Cross people try and not meet their eye
38:17Try and not meet their eye
38:19Sorry mate, I've got to go. I can't stop. I can't stop
38:22Now, what is the brakeman's job during a bobsleigh race?
38:27The brakeman's. Oh, he puts the brakes on
38:28Oh no, Joe, you know certain of that
38:31No, I'm just trying to move us on
38:34No
38:35He's the last one to jump on
38:37He's the one who gives it the biggest impulse
38:39He's the strongest usually
38:40He's the one who gets it really accelerating
38:42He's not allowed to brake during the race
38:44Because you could really ruin the smooth surface of the ice
38:48There are other versions that are done on bobsleigh courses
38:51There's luging. What does luging involve?
38:54Going down on a tea tray
38:55Yeah, that's right. Which direction as it were?
38:58Feet first
38:58Feet first is luging
38:59And then what's the other one where you're head first?
39:02Suicide
39:02Yeah, you think
39:04The Cresta Run is a skeleton which is where you're head first and you slide down at incredible speed
39:09And there was a time in the late 19th century when the fastest humans on the planet were people who
39:13did the Cresta Run
39:14There was no
39:15Until the invention of the aeroplane
39:17But I've got a supplementary question which might help you get some points again
39:20Can you remember which Caribbean country surprisingly came 29th in the 88th?
39:25Yes, Jamaica
39:26Oh dear
39:28Oh
39:30No
39:31No
39:32I'm afraid Jamaica came 30th
39:34The surprising thing is there was another Caribbean country
39:37About which they didn't make a film
39:38The film as you see, there's John Candy
39:40Was
39:41Was
39:42Cool Runnings
39:43A fine fine film
39:44But for some reason they decided that the heroic achievement of the Dutch Lesser Antilles team
39:50Was not worthy of a film
39:52It just wasn't as cool as Jamaica
39:55They don't have a Bob Marley figure I suppose
39:57But also they've not got a catchy name for their country
40:00It's confusing because it's got the nationality of a different country in it
40:04And it's lesser
40:05Yeah
40:06Dutch Lesser Antilles
40:07In fact, bizarrely you should say that because it no longer exists
40:11The Netherlands Antilles went their separate ways and it ceased to exist in 2010
40:15And it's national anthem when it did exist was called anthem without a title
40:21Because the title of our country is so poor we can't trust ourselves to think of another one
40:26We call it French song or something
40:29No, it's terribly sad
40:30Anyway, yeah
40:31So that was the story of the Dutch Lesser Antilles and their famous bobsleigh team
40:35That became 29th in the 88 Winter Olympics
40:39That brings us to the end of this QI-IQ test
40:42So hand in your papers and I'll tally up the scores
40:45And oh my goodness me
40:47Well, it's very exciting actually
40:50Um, top of the class
40:52With four points
40:55Is David Mitchell
41:04In second place with minus four is Phil Jupiters
41:15And in third place with minus eight is Joe Bruan
41:25In clear, last place with minus 16 is Alan Davis
41:29But
41:34But
41:36The clear, clear winner this week with an extraordinary 32 points
41:41Is the magnificent Ashable
41:55So it's goodnight from David, Phil, Joe, Alan and not forgetting of course Asimo and me
42:01And there's just time for some breaking news
42:03I want to share with you the cover story of a recent National Geographic magazine
42:06Which is about the recreation by archaeologists at Göbekli Tepe in Turkey
42:12It's the oldest temple in the world
42:14In fact some people think it's the oldest building in the world
42:16That isn't a shed or a hut
42:18It's 11,600 years old
42:20What excites me
42:21Is that it looks like this
42:23Does it remind you of anything?
42:25Goodnight
42:26On that bombshell, Goodnight
42:28That's not like
42:28Well there you guys
42:28doin', lord
42:28What excites me
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