- 1 day ago
First broadcast 19th November 2004.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Fred MacAulay
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Fred MacAulay
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI
00:05for another handful of pickled herrings from the groaning smergisboard of knowledge.
00:10And joining me tonight in the Beaster of Bewilderment are Rich Hall,
00:15Fred McCauley, Joe Brown and Alan Godis.
00:22Well, let's tuck in, shall we? Rich.
00:26And Fred.
00:30And Joel.
00:34And, um, brrr.
00:38Natural more.
00:39B is for bottle, burgundy, barbecue, and, as Alan has shown us, burp.
00:43And the start of the day as well, which is biography.
00:46So this question.
00:47Who first discovered that the world was round?
00:52It's flat, isn't it?
00:55Is it going to be a trick question?
00:57It's.
00:58You're a KG from the first.
01:00Right from the off.
01:01Right from the off, you're a KG.
01:02Any thoughts?
01:04Copernicus.
01:05Not Copernicus.
01:07Galileo.
01:07Not Galileo.
01:08Someone with a telescope worked it out.
01:10They would be able to work out that the moon was round, but your telescope is not that useful to
01:14looking at the earth.
01:16Is it Len Murray?
01:20Are you talking about the general secretary of the team of the team of the team of Len Murray?
01:26No.
01:26It wasn't he.
01:27He discovered the potato was round.
01:29He discovered the potato was round.
01:31Was it somebody with a boat?
01:32It wasn't, no, indeed.
01:34It's, it's, we're talking about something perhaps, at least something that isn't human.
01:39A bird.
01:39An animal, not a bird even.
01:41They fly all over the, fish.
01:43Not a fish.
01:44Good though.
01:45You're on the right lines.
01:46No, not sea animals at all.
01:49Land.
01:52Bees.
01:53Bees is the right answer.
01:54Bees using the thing and the fish.
01:55Bees, they, they, they can, they can reckon on the position of the sun even at night.
02:00Even whilst eating pollen, they can keep an eye on it.
02:04So termites, termite mounds go round in a spiral like that because as the termites build them in the day,
02:12they stay out of the sun, so the sun goes round and they go round that way.
02:17Staying cool.
02:18Quite interesting.
02:19It is quite interesting.
02:20Very good.
02:21But it's, it's not about bees though, is it?
02:23Well, what is about bees is they also have the most developed magnetic sense of any animal.
02:27And if you put a strong magnet next to one of those, a honeycomb,
02:30it completely changes the shape into something that's never seen in nature,
02:34a cylindrical shaped honeycomb, if you put a magnet next to them.
02:36Yeah, but you would, you would be stung to death if you did that, wouldn't you?
02:39Well, it's true.
02:40You wouldn't be a wise proceeding.
02:41You could wear one of those amusing costumes.
02:44Can I ask Alan, you know, on, on a cloudy day, do the termites really just...
02:48They really motor upwards.
02:52It's what we do.
02:53They probably do.
02:54You could see the termite now goes swervy and then whoop, suddenly.
02:59Bees, bees are very interesting animals, or at least quite interesting.
03:04Most bees, what happens when they sting you?
03:06They die.
03:07No, they don't.
03:08Old enough.
03:09Only the honey...
03:09Yes, they do.
03:10Only the honeybee.
03:11Yes, they do.
03:12Only the honeybee.
03:13They've got one sting, wasps have more than one sting.
03:15No, only one species of bee.
03:17You're not allowed to kill bees, you can kill wasps.
03:47Sorry.
03:49I don't think earwigs.
03:49He said, don't make chutney.
03:53It takes 12 bees an entire lifetime to make enough honey to fill a teaspoon.
03:59So the lifetime of 12 bees, and you go into a supermarket, you see all those jars, think how many
04:04bees have been working away.
04:05And if it's a 125-milliliter jar, it'll take 300 bees.
04:15Fantastic.
04:16What a loss to the accountancy profession.
04:20Those are hexagons.
04:22They are hexagons, little six-sided bee cells.
04:25Brilliant.
04:27Why do they make hexagon shapes?
04:29The hexagonal form uses the minimum amount of wax for the maximum amount of storage in a given area.
04:36I'll just finish off this thing.
04:37Honeybeads have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is using the sun as a
04:43reference point.
04:44Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on
04:49the other side of the world.
04:50This means they can actually learn and store information.
04:53Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun?
04:58Whoever has worked that out is wrong.
05:01And he's now saying, even when you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they
05:06still use it.
05:07Let's be to think, no we don't, we just remember where we live.
05:17Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?
05:20Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons as opposed to our 10 billion neurons in our brains.
05:26But they've only got one thing to remember, where they live.
05:30They've got a lot more to remember.
05:36How come I've got 10 billion and sometimes I forget where we're going to live?
05:42Which brings us to our next question, which is why do bees buzz?
05:48Go.
05:48Because they can.
05:51And they buzz so that when they're trapped in the living room, you know to open a window.
05:57It's a thought.
05:58Is it to sound industrious?
06:02Yeah.
06:03You have to look at bees as aerospace workers.
06:10And stay with me.
06:16When you're flying, you want to make a lot of noise, because a quiet aircraft is crashing.
06:29Well, I think it's the knees knocking that makes the buzzing, isn't it?
06:34Because they hate flying.
06:36Terrified of flying.
06:37What is it that makes the noise?
06:39The wings.
06:43No.
06:44No, it isn't, I'm afraid.
06:46Not the wings then?
06:47No, it won't be the wings.
06:48Ah, testicles.
06:52They're little tiny mouths.
06:55Well, these sort of little mouths, it's through what they breathe.
06:57They're called spiracles.
06:59They have them down their sides, through which they breathe.
07:02All buzzing insects, poo bottles the same, it's not the wings.
07:05Less than 1% of the buzz comes from their wings.
07:08Bees breathe through 14 holes along the sides of their bodies.
07:12And they're called spiracles.
07:13And each one has a valve to limit the flow of air, which the bee can do.
07:16And they can tune it, rather like a trumpeter, sort of using his lips.
07:20What's that called?
07:21Ombrageurs, or everything.
07:22Ombrageurs.
07:23Ombrageurs.
07:25And in the same way that one human lung on a trumpet can fill a vast horn with a great
07:30sound,
07:31more than it can with its own vocal cords.
07:33So a bee can make this extraordinary noise, just through controlling its breathing.
07:37Isn't science marvellous?
07:39It is.
07:41Are humans the only species that make unnecessary noise?
07:45Oh, that's an interesting idea.
07:46No, dogs.
07:47Boo, boo, boo, boo!
07:49I mean, do you think any animals just sit around and hum or just whistle?
07:54Pfft!
07:54Whistle.
07:56Or talk innately, Alan?
07:59Do you know what happens to talk?
08:01That's why there are no panel shows in the animal kingdom.
08:05As to other animals, also beginning with bees, can barnacles grow wings?
08:10I do know one thing about barnacles.
08:12I'm afraid it's rude, but...
08:15Go on.
08:16That, relatively speaking, they have the biggest penis of any existing creature.
08:22You are absolutely...
08:23Which is five times the length of their shell.
08:26Seven times the length I've got down here.
08:28Oh, you exaggerate.
08:29Maybe it was a particularly boastful.
08:31A typical barnacle.
08:35Well, up until recently, it was thought that barnacles were the embryos of the barnacle goose.
08:42What fool thought that?
08:43Well, actually, it is a bit silly-sounding.
08:46There's a barnacle goose, which was named Anser hibernica after the Latin,
08:51and that got shortened to hibernica became burnica, which became barnacle.
08:55These geese breed in the Arctic, and so no one had ever seen them mate or lay eggs.
09:00When they arrived in the summer, at the same time,
09:02there'd be all driftwood coming in off the sea, covered in barnacles,
09:05and people just made the weird assumption
09:07that the barnacles must be the baby barnacle geese.
09:10But barnacles growing on chips can increase the inefficiency by a huge amount.
09:15Barnacles growing on chips?
09:16Chips, dear.
09:19That really worried you.
09:21All right, what?
09:22How long would you have to leave a chip lying about for a barnacle?
09:25It's not going to happen in my...
09:28But the way they glue themselves to things are very, very tough,
09:31and scientists are currently looking at it as a kind of dental cement.
09:35Better than, you know, polygrip, all of these things,
09:38are that they advertise roundabout during Countdown, for some reason.
09:41They advertise these strange things that keep teeth together
09:44and ways of lowering yourself into a bath.
09:49You know when W.H. Auden got old, the poet?
09:52Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:52Yeah, all right, yes.
09:54Isn't that a good one, then?
09:55That'd be actually a good one.
09:57When he was old, he had an incredibly lined face, really.
10:00Like a native, really kind of, you know, craggy lines, you know,
10:03like Chief Joseph or one of those, you know, really kind of...
10:06And David Hockney, one of his first commissions...
10:08Painter.
10:09Yes, well done.
10:10One of his first commissions as a young artist
10:13was to do a series of drawings of W.H. Auden,
10:15and Hockney just took one look at Auden and said,
10:18blimey, if that's his face, what can his scrotum look like?
10:21Oh.
10:23How did Nelson keep his men's spirits up after he died?
10:29Did he allow Hardy to use him as a ventriloquist dummy?
10:34No.
10:35I would think the men would just be inspired by the fact
10:37that he just basically slowly dismantled instead of dying all at once.
10:42I mean, there was an arm, then there was an eye,
10:44then there was, like, a testicle, right?
10:47It's like dropping parts like a Volkswagen.
10:52The thing is, most sailors, when they died,
10:55were thrown overboard and burrowed at sea,
10:57and he asked not to be buried at sea,
10:59and so he was going to be taken back from Trafalgar,
11:02which is sort of off the Spanish coast, to Britain.
11:05So what were they going to do with his body
11:06to make sure it didn't rot?
11:08Put it in beer.
11:10Well, not beer, but brandy, actually.
11:11He was pickled in a barrel of brandy.
11:13And they were allowed to drink it?
11:14Well, they weren't allowed to, supposedly.
11:16They wanted to.
11:17Using tubes of macaroni.
11:19They did.
11:20They would have a go at this brandy.
11:22And by the time it got to Portsmouth's,
11:24there was no brandy left.
11:26Slightly unfortunate-looking Nelson.
11:28And to this day in the Navy, they used the phrase
11:30tapping the Admiral for having a surreptitious slug
11:32of anything alcoholic.
11:33You can just picture them with this macaroni straw going...
11:37Oh, God, that's...
11:40I think that's the other one out.
11:44You've got another patch.
11:47But in fact, sadly, like all these good stories,
11:50it supposedly isn't true.
11:52Now, why are male anglers so pathetic?
11:57Joe Brown.
11:58Because they like fishing.
12:01Well, yes, Rich.
12:03Because they spend 2,000 pounds on equipment
12:06when you can go to the market
12:07and buy the same thing for £1.89.
12:10There's a good book in this country,
12:13fly-fishing by J.R.
12:15Absolutely.
12:17The classic.
12:20Why are they pathetic, though?
12:22Well, what we don't need is human male anglers.
12:25There's another type of angler that isn't human.
12:27Angler fish.
12:28Angler fish.
12:29Male angler fish truly are pathetic.
12:31You can eat them, can't you, angler fish?
12:33I'm sure I've had one.
12:34Well, they're a shallow angler fish
12:36and they're very, very deep ones.
12:37You wouldn't want to eat that.
12:37It's a bit spiny.
12:38I wouldn't go calling that pathetic to its face,
12:40I'll tell you.
12:41That's the female.
12:42All right.
12:43The female is very impressive.
12:44The male has a sad life.
12:46It must be the feeblest male in nature,
12:48six times smaller than the female.
12:50When they find a mate,
12:51they latch onto them with their teeth
12:53and immediately start to disappear.
12:55Scales, bones, blood vessels,
12:57all merge into those of the female.
12:58And after a week,
12:59all that's left are two tiny little testes
13:01which leak sperm into the female.
13:03that sounds very much like my marriage.
13:14There are some of these female angler fish
13:18going around with about eight testicles
13:20hanging off them.
13:21It's like an A6 disco.
13:26That was wine.
13:28That thing coming out of the top of its head like that
13:30is why it's called an angler fish.
13:32It's its little rod, as it were.
13:34And it's bioluminescent.
13:35It lights up.
13:37Attracting other innocent edible fish.
13:40Well, that's what used to be thought.
13:41They now think it may be
13:41that's the way of attracting the male towards it
13:43which then gets absorbed.
13:44That brings us on bioluminescence
13:47to what comes from Glasgow
13:49and glows in the dark.
13:53Is it Sir Alex Ferguson's nose?
13:58Is it the River Clyde?
14:00It's not the River Clyde, neither.
14:02We're talking about food.
14:04Luminous food.
14:05Yes, luminous food.
14:06It's an idea that comes from creatures
14:08like the angler fish.
14:09Is it a deep fried Mars bar
14:11with a torch attached to it?
14:13A deep fried torch.
14:15Well, you're in the right area
14:18with a deep fried...
14:18What I believe you call carry-outs
14:20are the food to go.
14:23What is the most popular food
14:25in Britain supposedly these days?
14:28Chicken tikka masala.
14:30Chicken tikka masala
14:30which was invented in Glasgow.
14:32And there is one.
14:34Oh, that's a particularly fine example.
14:37That may be a used one.
14:40Through the system.
14:45Morag, get me a bade of rice.
14:56The children shall eat.
15:02Well, there is a company called
15:05BioLume
15:05which is planning to have food
15:08including curry
15:09that glows in the dark
15:10using extracts of marine creatures
15:12that glow.
15:13And they want to make beer
15:15in particular
15:15that glows in the dark.
15:16Children's fizzy drinks
15:17that glow in the dark.
15:18Chicken tikka masala
15:19is not something that exists
15:21in Bangladesh or in India.
15:23The story of it goes
15:24that there was a restaurant
15:25called The Gaylord
15:26in 1966
15:27was the first place
15:28to serve a proper chicken tandoori.
15:31In Glasgow?
15:32Rather popular.
15:33On London?
15:33No, in London.
15:34Mortimer Street in London.
15:36And the story goes
15:37somebody came
15:38into a restaurant in Glasgow
15:40where they were serving
15:40this new tandoori chicken
15:41and asked for some gravy
15:43to go on it.
15:45And the chef improvised
15:47with tomato soup
15:48and cream and spices.
15:49and upgrew this strange creature
15:51that is chicken tikka masala
15:53that has no definition
15:54that can be hot
15:55it can be mild
15:56it can be brown
15:57it can be orange
15:58it can be grey
15:58but according to Robin Cook
16:00he's the great British national team.
16:02Can I just say
16:02I had a curry once
16:03on the Isle of Man
16:04where I was doing a gig.
16:05It was served with
16:06a cup of tea
16:07and some bread and butter.
16:10It was fantastic
16:11don't you?
16:13Can I just mention
16:14that since we've been
16:15disparaging about
16:16the Scottish diet
16:17that we don't
16:19all eat chips
16:20every night
16:21sometimes what we do
16:23is we have some chips
16:24and we leave them
16:25aside till the morning
16:26and we have them
16:28cold the next day
16:29and that's a salad.
16:35Tea fried pizza
16:36is the
16:36Mars bar
16:37it's a myth
16:38it's not a myth
16:39the Mars bar as well
16:40it happens once
16:42he dropped his Mars bar
16:45I'm no wasting that
16:48he scorched his hand
16:50getting the wrapper off
16:54fantastic
16:55suppose you do have
16:56the worst teeth
16:57and the worst hearts
16:58in Europe
16:58though
16:59the Scottish in Europe
16:59unfortunately
17:00oh your teeth are fine
17:01they're alright yeah
17:02I started a wee company
17:03in Scotland
17:04using barnacle cement
17:06well they're okay
17:07but the cement goes off
17:08and the penis comes out
17:13we run bus trips
17:14to Eastern Europe
17:15to show Scottish people
17:17worse teeth
17:20well while we're
17:21in the Balti belt
17:22where is it possible
17:24to live on a diet of smut
17:26without the neighbours
17:27complaining
17:29in the green room
17:30at channel 5
17:33a diet of smut
17:35is the clue however
17:36is it some sort of
17:37Norwegian food
17:38or something
17:38not Norwegian
17:39it's called smut
17:40because it's a sooty black
17:42thing in its most primitive form
17:43caviar
17:44no really sooty
17:46and smutty
17:48in that sense
17:48a bit of coal
17:49no but a living thing
17:51fungi
17:51fungus exactly
17:53it's a fungus
17:53like a little
17:54like a little
17:58go to the party
17:59Alan
18:00because he was a fun guy
18:04what's wrong with that joke
18:07that's a joke
18:08for like an imbecile
18:10you know
18:14of 0.7 years old
18:17what's brown and sticky
18:21I don't know
18:22a stick
18:26I'm worried
18:27by the audience reaction
18:28what do you call a boomerang
18:28and why come back
18:29a stick
18:31a stick
18:32do you have any other jokes
18:33where the punchlines are stick
18:35loads
18:35alright
18:36what's orange
18:37and sounds like a parrot
18:39a carrot
18:46what's red and silly
18:49a blood clot
18:53oh don't look at me like that
18:54you f***ing pig eyed sack of shit
19:00don't you do that
19:03you've spoiled it
19:05what's red and sits in the corner
19:07a naughty strawberry
19:11it's green and sings
19:13almost parsley
19:16now the smuts
19:17smut fungus
19:19ustilaginales
19:20or something similar
19:21is found in Mexico
19:22in particular
19:23where it's prized as a food
19:25why did the mushroom
19:26go to the party
19:29he was a fun guy
19:38how do you think the word smut is used to allude to pornography
19:42because it's dirty
19:43where does slut come from
19:46ethics
19:52so there's a particular smut
19:53the corn smut
19:54which is edible
19:54and corn smut's been known to the Aztecs
19:56for centuries
19:57as huita coche
20:00and there it is
20:00a picture of an engaging young corn smut
20:02which has grown in a sort of berry
20:04which is the bit you eat
20:05there you are
20:05try the magisterial
20:07illustrated genera
20:08of smut fungi
20:09by Kalman Vankey
20:10it's a hell of a book
20:15so with that
20:16rather obscure
20:17piece of information
20:18let's plunge yet deeper
20:19into general ignorance
20:21fingers on buzzers
20:22please
20:22what contains the most
20:24caffeine
20:25cup of tea
20:26or a cup of coffee
20:29tea
20:31oh
20:35oh
20:37in fact about three times
20:38more caffeine
20:39than a cup of coffee
20:40than a cup of tea
20:40why'd someone tell me
20:42it was tea then
20:42well because
20:43wait for wait
20:44a pound of tea leaves
20:46contains more caffeine
20:47than a pound of coffee beans
20:48but in a cup of same
20:50you get much more
20:51as we know
20:52as we know from drinking
20:53you know
20:53it's kind of experience
20:54people always say
20:55oh there's more caffeine in tea
20:56drink it
20:57but there is actually
20:58more caffeine in tea
21:00in wait for wait
21:01but not in a cup of tea
21:03not in a cup of tea
21:04no
21:05which is the greatest
21:05there is more caffeine in tea
21:07yeah
21:08but not in a cup of tea
21:09which is the question
21:09not in a cup of tea
21:10not in a cup
21:12which is what you drink
21:13you don't tend to just eat tea like that
21:15you know
21:16you have a cup of tea
21:17which has a third as much coffee
21:19as a cup of coffee
21:20exactly
21:20quite right
21:21now what's the only ball game
21:22invented entirely in the USA
21:25ball game
21:26yeah
21:26we haven't invented any ball games
21:28we invented all ball games
21:31here in England
21:33baseball
21:41as Alan rightly knows
21:43as Alan rightly knows
21:43that's an English invent
21:44no the English invent
21:45is that
21:45yeah
21:45yeah
21:48it's mentioned by Jane Austen
21:49rounders
21:51rounders neither
21:51I'm afraid
21:52netball
21:52netball yes
21:54you could
21:54I'll give you netball
21:55basketball
22:05Dr James Naismith
22:08University of Kansas
22:09in fact he was actually teaching at Springfield Massachusetts
22:11yeah
22:12yeah
22:12absolutely you get lots of points
22:13and he was in fact a Canadian
22:15yeah
22:15but he invented it in the USA
22:17from Toronto
22:17yeah
22:17if you said lacrosse of course
22:19that's also a ball game
22:20but it wasn't the United States of America
22:22when that was invented
22:23so that's the way out
22:24but there is basketball
22:25specifically invented
22:25the weird thing about it is
22:27he used an old peach basket
22:28for 21 years
22:29they played the game
22:30without putting a hole in the bottom
22:32of the peach basket
22:33so someone had to get a step ladder
22:34every time there was a basket
22:36I'm taking that
22:37I can't play basketball
22:38with a peach
22:39no a peach basket
22:40a peach basket
22:41they used
22:41a basket for peaches
22:43a peach that wouldn't bounce
22:45no that's right
22:46do you know
22:50as a short arse
22:51I think there should be different divisions
22:53for basketball
22:54different height divisions
22:55yeah
22:56you know
22:56because I mean obviously
22:57if you're 7 foot 4
22:58you've got an advantage
22:59over Sunday like me
23:00I mean you wouldn't
23:01you don't put
23:02little boxers
23:03like Prince Nassim
23:04Mohammed
23:04in against Mike Tyson
23:06oh I'd like to see
23:07I think there should be
23:10several baskets
23:11you can aim for
23:13a really high basket
23:15for 10 points
23:16and then a lower basket
23:17and then one on the floor
23:19did you say about netball as well then?
23:21well what happened was
23:22a woman from Louisiana
23:23wrote to
23:23to Naismith
23:25and said
23:26we've got quite a girly version
23:28one of the stories
23:29is she actually misinterpreted
23:30the rules
23:31because he laid out
23:32the dimensions of a basketball
23:33court
23:34and she thought
23:34and giving the various areas
23:36and she thought
23:36the players had to stay
23:37within those areas
23:38which I believe
23:38is one of the things
23:39about netball
23:39you can't travel
23:40you can't dribble in netball
23:41you can't
23:41once you've got the ball
23:42you've got to stand still
23:43it wasn't as hard
23:44as the basketball
23:45we played
23:45because we would
23:45we would nail the basket
23:47to a truck
23:48side of a truck
23:50game went on for miles
23:53can I just say
23:54that that little kid
23:55with the purple shirt
23:56is really beginning
23:57to annoy me
23:58will you sit still
23:59look
23:59sit down
24:03this is very old footage
24:05because
24:05they're uh
24:06they're white people
24:07yeah
24:10oddly enough
24:10volleyball was invented
24:11in exactly the same college
24:13in Springfield, Massachusetts
24:14as netball
24:15and basketball
24:15this guy's number is zero
24:18there's no confidence
24:19at all in him
24:20is he
24:23anyway I think
24:23we've seen enough
24:24of that looped game
24:24it's going to drive us
24:25all nuts
24:26so
24:26what were
24:27Nelson's last words
24:29the last words
24:33of someone who
24:33sucked at Nelson's body
24:37yes
24:37that's my answer
24:39that's your answer
24:40kismet hardy
24:41did he say
24:42kiss me hardy
24:43oh dear
24:45well whatever it is
24:46it's rubbish
24:47it's not kismet
24:47and it's not kiss me
24:49I'll race you to the
24:50bottle of brandy
24:53last one in Zikap
24:56hardy kissed the
24:57admiral twice
24:58apparently
24:58once on the cheek
24:59and once on the forehead
24:59when Nelson was struggling
25:01to remain conscious
25:02he then said
25:03god I've done my duty
25:03and then he said
25:05it's rather peculiar
25:06drink drink
25:07fan fan
25:08rub rub
25:10those were his last words
25:11he was thirsty
25:13he was hot
25:13that was navy lingo
25:15give us a quick hand
25:16job hardy
25:18but those were
25:18according to all
25:20to the reliable witnesses
25:21in the scene
25:21they were all agreeing
25:22but why don't you ever hear
25:24that at school then
25:25because the famous lines
25:26that he said
25:27thank god I've done my duty
25:28and kiss me hardy
25:29but drink drink
25:30fan fan
25:30rub rub
25:31I know
25:32that's what's wrong at school
25:33but his final words
25:33are not to do with
25:34how interesting they are
25:35I know
25:36are they to do with
25:36what people actually said
25:38surely
25:38myths build up
25:39I'm afraid
25:39did he say kiss me
25:41or kismet
25:41kiss me
25:42it's almost universally agreed
25:43he said kiss me
25:44the kismet idea is nonsense
25:45rubbish
25:45yeah
25:46he was hot and thirsty
25:47so he had his steward
25:48standing by
25:49to fan him and feed him
25:50lemonade and watered wine
25:52while the ship's captain
25:53Dr. Scott
25:54Matt's on his chest
25:55will ease the pain
25:56if you could go
25:57in a time machine
25:58would you go there
25:59you see
26:00people always say
26:01oh I'd go here
26:02there and everywhere
26:03but you wouldn't go back
26:04I'd go back and see myself
26:05well that would be
26:06so would I
26:07I would go back
26:08I had a rolled up
26:09ball of socks
26:10and a hamper
26:11all the way across the room
26:12and I just went like that
26:14hits the wall
26:15bounces off the ceiling
26:16off this wall
26:17back across that wall
26:18right into the hamper
26:19from like 40 feet away
26:21I would go back
26:23and watch that again
26:23that was your film
26:25fantastic
26:27it was fantastic
26:30I don't think when you die
26:31they play back something
26:32from your life
26:33oh yeah
26:34those moments
26:35and no one saw it
26:36Stonehenge
26:37the erection of
26:38I'd go back there
26:38yes
26:39well done
26:43if you'd just waited
26:44a few thousand years
26:45go back with a power drill
26:46and a JCB
26:50become worshipped
26:51as a god
26:56and we've come to the end
26:57of the round
26:58at the end of the competition
26:58my last words
26:59are not
27:00drink drink
27:00fan fan
27:01rub rub
27:01or anything close to it
27:02they are
27:02la desciens
27:03if we play
27:03let's see how the scores are
27:05and rather meagre rations
27:06they are too
27:07I'm sorry to say
27:08Rich scored
27:09a lightly battered
27:10five points
27:11which is very good
27:14Fred is next
27:16and gently poached
27:18four points
27:21Joe managed to reheat it
27:23minus eight points
27:28and once again
27:29it's the kebab van
27:30for you
27:31I'm afraid
27:31with minus 19 points
27:41well
27:42that's all for this week
27:43I leave you with the thought
27:44that while most of us
27:45drink at the fountain of wisdom
27:46others merely gargle
27:48from rich friend
27:49Joe Allen and me
27:49it's goodnight
27:50goodnight
27:51thank you
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