- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:02This is me, Nicole Bradford. Cute, huh? This is my dad. And this is my dad. How'd I get two
00:08dads? They inherited me. Congratulations. It's a girl. Here's the judge who brought us together. She lives in our building.
00:15My building. I own it. She's gonna make sure we're one big happy family with one dad who's down to
00:21earth and one dad with his head in the clouds. I think we're father of the year.
00:30No matter what you do, you can count on me. No matter where you go, I'm standing by your side.
00:38I'll be right behind. No one loves you more than I do. Put your hand in mine. You can count
00:47on me. No matter what you do, you can count on me. No matter where you go, you can count
00:57on me.
01:02I'm stuck on this question. Yeah, that's a hard one. Go ahead. Read it again.
01:08You leave the disco in your date's Ferrari. He drives you home and walks you to your door. Gazing deeply
01:13into your eyes, he asks if he may kiss you goodnight. What should you say?
01:18Touch me and my father will rip your face off.
01:22That's correct, Dad.
01:25Legs! Hey, legs!
01:30That's my date.
01:32Uh, I gotta run.
01:35Uh, thanks for watching, Nicole, Dana. You're an angel.
01:38Oh, no problem. What are neighbors for?
01:40Oh, that face. I miss it already.
01:45Good night, Dad.
01:46Good night.
01:48Anybody need anything?
01:50Just go!
01:51All right. Bye.
01:56Good evening, Joey.
01:58There's a delightful young lady standing in front of my building calling out,
02:02I want you.
02:04I want you now.
02:05The love train is boarding.
02:08Would you know anything about this?
02:10Me?
02:11Gosh, no judge.
02:16I can ask around for you.
02:18I'll handle it.
02:20Sorry to be a bother.
02:22No bother.
02:22Night.
02:25All right, I'm, uh, on my way out of here now, okay?
02:27Everybody's comfortable?
02:28You happy?
02:29A little chilly in here.
02:30You need a blanket?
02:32Leave.
02:33Leave.
02:34Bye.
02:35Bye.
02:37Have a good time, legs.
02:44How come Joey doesn't bring his dates up to the apartment?
02:47Come on.
02:52Oh.
02:54I gotta be one of the two dumbest dads you've got.
02:59Michael, what are you doing home so early?
03:02I left with my date for a seven o'clock dinner at this quaint little overpriced nouveau schlock
03:07lines around the block, $20 extra for a lousy cloth napkin restaurant, and I forget
03:12my wallet.
03:14I don't know.
03:15Where's your date?
03:16Oh, my God.
03:17I left her in the cab.
03:18I need my wallet.
03:19I gotta buy her back.
03:20Michael.
03:22I paid for the cab driver myself.
03:25Robin, uh, come on in.
03:27Come on in.
03:28Meet my family.
03:29Meet my daughter.
03:30Your daughter?
03:32This is Nicole.
03:34Nicole.
03:35Hi.
03:37Uh, pleased to meet you.
03:40You have a daughter.
03:42Yeah, isn't she terrific?
03:43I, you two are gonna be great friends.
03:45Ah.
03:46Come on.
03:47Come on.
03:48I'll tell you all about her over dinner.
03:49Uh, Michael, wait.
03:51I know what's wrong.
03:52You didn't tell me you had a daughter.
03:54Yeah.
03:56Well, you just don't get this, do you?
03:58I don't get what?
03:59This changes everything.
04:01You didn't tell me you had a daughter when you asked me out.
04:04Would it have made a difference?
04:06Yes.
04:07You're serious?
04:09Of course I'm serious.
04:11Michael, I don't want a family.
04:13I don't even want a dog.
04:15Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you, you're gonna love her.
04:19You two, you'll hang out together.
04:20You'll be like mother and daughter.
04:23This isn't helping, is it?
04:25Goodbye, Michael.
04:37Oh, what happened?
04:39Nothing, nothing happened.
04:41But your date just left.
04:44Yeah, she was tired.
04:48It was because of me, wasn't it?
04:51No, no, no.
04:52She's a jerk.
04:55Jerks get tired real easy.
04:58So, Michael, if you're going to be home, I guess you won't be needing me anymore.
05:01Uh, no.
05:04Thanks, Dana.
05:06Wait!
05:07I know!
05:09I cordially invite you to join Dana and me for our Saturday night ritual, commonly known as
05:16picking out a banana split.
05:20I don't know.
05:21Is there a dress code involved or what?
05:25You need a wallet.
05:29Dana, where would I be without you?
05:32In a cab with a jerk.
05:33What about with some woman who doesn't appreciate you when Dana's right here and you're perfect
05:39for each other?
05:56Shh!
05:57You have to wake the neighbors!
05:58What?
06:00I am the neighbors!
06:03No, no.
06:04I can't stand it.
06:05My stomach is broken.
06:06Oh, and whose fault is that, Miss Two Banana Splits?
06:09Now what can we eat?
06:10Oh, God.
06:12It's way past your bedtime.
06:15Throw up and go to sleep.
06:17Okay.
06:18Good night, everybody.
06:20Good night.
06:21Sleep tight.
06:25You know, you two look good together.
06:28Good night.
06:34Apparently we have the Nicole seal of approval.
06:37Yeah, but that's not enough.
06:40I want a dowry.
06:42Hey, Father, I need cattle.
06:48Well, I really had a good time tonight.
06:50Yeah, I did, too.
06:52Thanks for letting me tag along.
06:54Well...
06:54It was nice.
06:57Let go!
06:57The date is over!
07:00Oh!
07:00Oh!
07:02Oh!
07:05Oh!
07:05Oh!
07:05Oh!
07:06Oh!
07:08Good evening, Dana.
07:11You and Nicole have fun tonight?
07:15Yeah.
07:16Good.
07:18Is she asleep?
07:21Uh-huh.
07:22Like I should be.
07:25Hey, don't leave her my account.
07:27Dana, wait one second.
07:37Bye-bye.
07:38Bye-bye.
07:39Good night.
07:40Good night.
07:48What's all that about?
07:50What was all what about?
07:52All that nudge, nudge, wink, wink stuff at the door, huh?
07:56I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but that was not the date you started out with tonight.
08:01That's correct.
08:02My date dumped me.
08:05Oh, that must be humiliating.
08:09You wait.
08:10It's gonna happen to you, too, Joey, because you've got what I've got.
08:14A kid.
08:15Robin dumped me because I've got a kid.
08:17But, and I understand that, because I used to be the same way.
08:20I'd date a woman, go back to her place, and if I saw a smurf, goodbye.
08:25And now, and now here I am, and I'm someone with a kid.
08:29Are we all out of Count Chocula?
08:34Two kids.
08:36Let's face the facts, Joey.
08:38We are no longer college boys on the make.
08:40We're fathers.
08:42We have responsibilities.
08:44And there's a new kind of woman that we have to start seeing.
08:47The kind that likes Nicole.
08:49Oh, is that why you're seeing Dana?
08:51I'm not seeing Dana, but just, you know, she's the type of person I'm talking about, but she's like a
08:56cousin.
08:58Dana is the girl next door.
09:00Dana is Gidget.
09:03So why are you so sensitive about you and Gidget?
09:06I'm not sensitive.
09:08Just went out with her for the first time tonight.
09:12And we, it wasn't even going out.
09:14It was more like the sharing of fudge.
09:18So it's not me and Dana.
09:20It's me and Dana.
09:25You get the picture?
09:26You get the picture?
09:29What?
09:35Okay, open wide.
09:38Now, taste.
09:40Mmm.
09:41Chicken piccata.
09:43Chicken piccata.
09:44This is unbelievable.
09:45This is, and nobody defrosted it.
09:47Nobody delivered it.
09:48Two wonderful people made it for me with ingredients and heat.
09:52I just want to eat this and die.
09:56Hey, what smells so good?
09:58Dinner for me.
09:59Again?
10:00Dana is a great cook.
10:03And where do you taste her pecan pie?
10:05Which is in my oven and probably done.
10:08Nicole, why don't I go get it and you wash up for dinner?
10:11Consider me washed.
10:12Joey, can you join us for dinner?
10:14Oh, no?
10:14That's too bad.
10:15Maybe some other time.
10:18No thanks.
10:18I had a big breakfast.
10:20See, that worked out good.
10:21Good.
10:25Joey, Joey, Joey.
10:27This, this is what you call a life.
10:30So now, uh, you and Dana are you and Dana, huh?
10:35I used to think relationships were hard.
10:37I thought you had to work at relationships.
10:39This relationship is so good, I didn't even know I had it.
10:43I'm happy for you, Michael.
10:44I mean, Dana and I, we're like a couple of kids.
10:46We go to the park.
10:48We go to the zoo.
10:49Any place in town with balloons.
10:51We've been there.
10:52It's wonderful.
10:53Sounds comfortable.
10:54Yeah.
10:56What do you, what do you mean comfortable?
10:58Huh?
10:59No, I, I said it's wonderful and then you said it's comfortable.
11:03Well, I meant comfortable in the least boring sense.
11:08That's not better.
11:10Michael, it's your life, okay?
11:12You do what you want with it.
11:13You shouldn't listen to me anyway because I only get you angry.
11:20Why are you doing this, Joey?
11:22Why?
11:23Dana and I have something wonderful here.
11:26This is about not getting any chicken piccata, isn't it?
11:29I don't see any you and Dana.
11:31I see you, Dana, and Nicole.
11:33Well, what's wrong with that?
11:34Nothing.
11:35If that's what you're looking for.
11:36That's what I'm looking for.
11:38Oh, hey, the zoo, the park, balloons.
11:40Oh, my.
11:40Hey, you know, that's okay with you and Nicole.
11:43Oh, but you and Dana, you ought to find places where there's people your own height.
11:48I think maybe you're a little bit jealous because you're on the outside of a great relationship.
11:54Hey, there is no relationship.
11:55Two is a relationship.
11:56Three is the Supremes.
11:59You don't know anything about this woman.
12:01I know everything about this woman.
12:02All right, who's your favorite author?
12:03Who's your favorite group?
12:04Have you ever been alone with her?
12:06Wait, wait, wait, when you say alone, how alone?
12:09I mean, just the two of you, Michael.
12:11I mean, I know that's a radical concept, but that's one that you're going to have to explore
12:14when Nicole goes off to summer camp, you know, and Mommy and Daddy have to become man and woman.
12:21I need a little help out here.
12:28Got dessert.
12:29Where's Nicole?
12:31Let's put the pie down.
12:45What's going on?
12:48More pie for us.
13:04You kissed me.
13:05You seem surprised.
13:07Which is an interesting response.
13:08It's just not the one I had in mind.
13:10Well, what did you have in mind, Michael?
13:12I mean, why did you bring me to my place?
13:16I brought you here because...
13:17I brought you here because I have to know something.
13:20What?
13:22Okay.
13:23You and I have become very close, very fast.
13:25So, so, you know, so naturally, the question arises, uh, who's your favorite group?
13:34What?
13:36Uh, group.
13:36Who's your favorite group?
13:37Well, religious or political.
13:39Singing.
13:40Just say the Beatles.
13:41I like classical music.
13:43No, you don't.
13:45Forget that question.
13:46Forget it.
13:46We'll move on.
13:47Um, who was your favorite author?
13:49It would be Hemingway.
13:50It's Hemingway, right?
13:51Steinbeck.
13:51It's Hemingway.
13:52Just say Hemingway, Steinbeck.
13:53This is really a great place.
13:55It really is.
13:56Why, why is everything vague?
14:00Michael, what's come over you?
14:02Why did you bring me here?
14:04Why did you kiss me?
14:07Because I'm not hungry anymore, Dana.
14:12We gotta stop eating sometime, you know?
14:15I mean, you cook, and you cook, and you cook, and I see you standing there with a pie.
14:19So, I have a choice.
14:20I can eat the pie, or I can kiss your face.
14:24Did you make the right choice?
14:26I'm attracted to you, Dana.
14:28I'm, I'm almost positive.
14:29I, I, I feel, look, I'm trying to explain that.
14:34I have a, a mental, but also a physical attraction to your presence.
14:38And you're not an unattractive example of womanhood.
14:41And I, myself, am not exactly slug vomit.
14:48What, what don't you understand?
14:50Jane Austen.
14:51What?
14:52Is my favorite author.
14:53I don't care.
14:54I don't really care about her.
14:56I care about us, you and me.
14:59I mean, what, what are we?
15:01I mean, I, would we ever share a toothbrush?
15:03Do you like me at all?
15:05What?
15:05I like you.
15:07Okay, good.
15:08All right, so that's a start.
15:09So what we have, then, is a mutual lack of repulsion.
15:15Which is better than most of my relatives.
15:17Can we go back to dinner now?
15:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not yet.
15:21You're not going anywhere.
15:23I have to know how you felt about the kiss.
15:29Now, on a scale of one to two.
15:33Because I don't really need an ego beating right now.
15:37Well?
15:38Nah, nah, the sun was in my eyes.
15:40No, I was off balance with a whole kiss.
15:42That was not my best work.
15:45Michael, it was fine.
15:47Fine?
15:49It was fine?
15:51No, no, no, no.
15:54Fine, fine is not what you want to hear after how was my kiss.
15:57No, fine is like, how was your uncle?
16:00He's fine.
16:01You know, that's fine.
16:02Fine is, hey, how's that new roofing material?
16:04It's fine, you know, but fine, fine is not good.
16:08Fine is, fine is just fine.
16:10What do you want me to say?
16:12I don't want to tell you what to say.
16:14I did, I would like you to be honest.
16:17And use the word volcano.
16:22I guess I just never thought of us that way, Michael.
16:29I would like to try another kiss.
16:33You would?
16:34Yeah, because that, that kiss, that was the one that everybody gets, but.
16:42This one I've been saving in the back, especially for you.
17:06Nothing.
17:06Nothing.
17:10You think we should save some of this for Dana and Michael?
17:14Nah, they don't want any.
17:16They're busy.
17:19They're busy?
17:22You know they're busy.
17:26Yeah, I know they're busy.
17:29How busy do I know they are?
17:32They're busy falling in love.
17:34Uh-huh.
17:35That's just what I know.
17:37And it's about time.
17:40What?
17:42I, I've been trying to leave them alone together for the past three weeks.
17:47They take me to the movies, I go to the bathroom.
17:49They take me to a restaurant, I go to the bathroom.
17:50They take me to a circus, I go to the bathroom.
17:52I go to the bathroom so much, I don't know why they don't take me to the hospital.
17:57You know, you just can't throw two people together, you know, and expect that you're
18:02going to build a solid relationship like Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.
18:06I mean, you've got to find two potatoes that are in love.
18:09They are in love.
18:11They have to be in love.
18:14I owe him.
18:17What do you mean you owe him?
18:19I owe him a girlfriend.
18:21What are you talking about?
18:26You know, that Robin girl left him on account of me.
18:30Oh.
18:32Nah, she would have left him sooner or later anyway.
18:35Well, Dana's not going to leave him.
18:36They're perfect for each other.
18:38Man, what makes you so sure?
18:42Hey, I brought you two guys together, didn't I?
18:49Good night.
18:54Have good dreams.
18:57You too, Dad.
18:58All right.
19:10You ever have one of those nights?
19:12At a mall.
19:14That good or that bad?
19:17Never have a man and woman had less in common than Dana and me.
19:22You're kidding.
19:23You've been gone for three hours.
19:24What have you been doing?
19:27Mostly apologizing.
19:28For what?
19:29For pushing something that never should have been pushed.
19:32Why did you push me?
19:34Hey, don't blame me because you couldn't make the sparks fly.
19:37I just told you to take a look at what kind of relationship you had without Nicole.
19:42Well, we took a look and we have absolutely nothing between us.
19:48Except Nicole.
19:49But isn't that the best start?
19:51I mean, shouldn't we be able to build something on that?
19:56Michael, let me tell you about my night.
19:59I spent it with Nicole and a pecan pie.
20:03And it was the best pecan pie I ever had.
20:07So?
20:08So I hate pecan pie.
20:10So?
20:11So I ate it with Nicole.
20:13Don't you get it?
20:14Look, you don't love Dana.
20:16You love Nicole.
20:17I mean, you love her so much that there's a little left over for anybody else who happens to be
20:21around.
20:24I know, because I feel the same way.
20:27I mean, how do you think you and I manage to live under the same roof, huh?
20:33Good point.
20:35Joey made a good point.
20:40This changes everything.
20:42Now, up is down, east is west.
20:44Joey is wise.
20:46Take me now.
20:50Michael, you know how important it is to Nicole if this thing works out with you and Dana?
20:55Why?
20:56You could love Dana if you wanted to.
20:59Just, you tell her that you love her and she loves you and you both love me.
21:04I don't see what the big deal is.
21:08Nicole, it's not all my fault.
21:10She doesn't love me either.
21:13What?
21:15I, I know this is going to come as a big shock,
21:18but not every woman in the world is in love with your father.
21:24What?
21:26I'm sorry, Joey.
21:28Didn't mean for you to find out this way.
21:30You didn't try hard enough.
21:33I tried my brains out.
21:35It, it's not there, Nicole.
21:41So what's going to happen to me?
21:43What?
21:49Michael, if you and Dana don't work out,
21:51you're going to keep bringing these women home, like Robin,
21:55who won't like you because I'm around.
22:01Pretty soon, you won't like me because I'm around.
22:07Nicole, that, is that what you think?
22:11You, you are so way off.
22:15I mean, that is, that is in the sky.
22:19That is out there.
22:20That, that, that is on Pluto.
22:25In the back.
22:29Hey, here's the truth.
22:33Right here.
22:41Come out of the sky.
22:44Listen to me.
22:47Any, any woman I love has to love you too.
22:52We're a set.
22:56Does she have to love Joey too?
23:04No.
23:05No.
23:24No.
23:38No.
23:40No.
23:41No.
23:41No.
23:42No.
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