- 5 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:05where is it in the bathroom i thought you're calling the plumber i called 12 plumbers can
00:10you hold it till october no don't worry i'm a landlord and i know my responsibilities so i
00:17bought a book hey you're a judge what book is going to teach you plumbing plumbing for judges
00:23with an introduction by joe the faucet wapner
00:28oh no chapter 14
00:33okay joe three guesses what relative of mine sends me a letter postage due take a wild guess take a
00:40guess hey i know i know your uncle uh what's his face my favorite uncle uncle raymond i wanted him
00:47to be my uncle i offered to trade my sister louise for him it wasn't the sister i wanted
00:52oh boy what oh no oh yeah he's coming to visit when's it coming well according to this letter
00:58he'll be here two days ago see uncle raymond has this adorable unreliable quality which you're gonna
01:04love because you're a kid all kids love uncle raymond he's the greatest
01:11boy my uncle and my mother he would show up for thanksgiving in like june and she'd say uh she'd
01:17say hey ray where you been something came up with uncle ray something always came up where you been
01:21something came up that's when this little vein would pop out of my mother's forehead i used to
01:26wake up on her late at night and go look my uncle ray just to see if i can get
01:28that vein out
01:30hey you think he'll bring chiclets hey or those uh butterscotch lifesavers remember he told us
01:36that he was the one that gave him the idea to put the hole in the middle
01:40but he really wasn't
01:42you gotta love this guy
01:44well do you think he'll be here soon
01:46well you gotta figure two days ago in uncle raymond time that means that
01:49he should be walking through that door right about now
01:54oh he's late something came up
01:59uncle raymond huh boy you think he ever settled down i remember you used to have quite an eye for
02:03the women you know my mother used to have to hide her canasta ladies
02:08he was my role model
02:13you're late something came up
02:19you were worried about me
02:21you were worried about me because you love me right
02:23right
02:24oh mikey look at you
02:26you're all grown up
02:28it's been so long
02:29you look great
02:30joey
02:31look at you
02:34joey
02:35hey
02:36what's that your ear an earring
02:38well you don't know the thing you know
02:40i was thinking of wearing an earring and then i remembered
02:42i'm not an idiot
02:46you love me right
02:47right
02:50i did it
02:52all fixed
02:56oh you got company excuse me
02:58judge this is my uncle ray ray this is margaret wilbur
03:02she's a federal judge so don't do the thing where your shirt comes out of your fly
03:07on shanty
03:08don't kiss that you don't know where it's been
03:17what a babe
03:20here we go
03:26you can count on me
03:29no matter what you do
03:32you can count on me
03:34no matter where you go
03:36standing by your side
03:38i'll be right behind
03:40no one loves you more than i do
03:43put your hand in mine
03:45i can see a part of me and you
03:51there's something special that comes shining through
03:55you and your laughter
03:57and i'll be little when you cry
04:00i will be right there for you
04:03until the day i die
04:05you can count on me
04:08no matter what you do
04:11you can count on me
04:13no matter where you go
04:16you can count on me
04:24of course she's pretty as a picture
04:26she's my niece
04:27oh what's the matter with me
04:29i come to visit my favorite niece
04:31and i come empty-handed
04:33who's your favorite movie star
04:36river phoenix
04:37that's a person
04:39he's got a new movie just opened up
04:41well you're going tonight
04:43personally with your uncle raymond
04:44well it's hard to get in the lines around the block
04:47oh no lines i know a guy
04:48right in zip
04:49really you can do that
04:51for you honey i can do anything
04:56so joey
04:57this is all your work right
04:59yeah
04:59whole beautiful stuff
05:00you must take in a pretty penny
05:02yeah i do okay
05:03i'd like to buy something
05:06how about this one
05:07what are you asking for that
05:08no
05:09full price
05:10you don't know me
05:11i'm a complete stranger
05:12full price
05:12how much
05:13fifteen hundred dollars
05:14for me
05:17i'll tell you what
05:18for you i give it to you
05:19okay present from me to you
05:21joey you love me you love me
05:22right
05:23hey
05:23how about a little breakfast
05:24i'll make you say
05:24well i don't want to be in trouble
05:25no no trouble
05:26english muffin coffee
05:28three eggs scrambled
05:29soft
05:30i was seven o'clock at the carnet
05:33perfect
05:33make a circle
05:35six o'clock
05:36be ready to go
05:36thanks a lot
05:37uncle raven
05:38alrighty
05:38i can't believe it
05:43you two guys raising a daughter
05:46i remember the only thing you guys could raise was a ruckus
05:49so ray tell me
05:50what brings you to town
05:50ah little business
05:52how is business
05:53business is business
05:54and is this the same business you've always been in
05:57of course
05:57you know when you get good at it you stick
05:59right
05:59i gotta admit
06:00sure
06:01ray
06:01what
06:02what do you do
06:04when you're older
06:06ever since i'm a kid
06:07i want to know more about you
06:08and you always tell me
06:08when you're older
06:09when you're
06:10i'm older now
06:11i'm real old
06:12as a matter of fact
06:12i'm starting to forget stuff
06:15happens to all of us
06:16so joey
06:18how are the eggs coming
06:19soft
06:29little icky
06:30you know what's going on in your drain
06:32pretty bad huh
06:33it's stuck in there
06:34did you pull real hard
06:36no
06:36it told me it's stuck in there
06:39i thought it was a hairball
06:41it's a primate
06:42this is a job for sigourney weaver
06:48oh pardon me
06:49do they have the racing form here
06:52does anybody work here
06:54i'm in a hurry
06:56proprietor
06:58do you have tomorrow's racing form
07:00you
07:01me
07:02it's mr can't lose
07:04it's mr sure thing
07:06have we met
07:07yeah
07:07we met at the racetrack this afternoon
07:10and now we meet again
07:12wasn't that terrible
07:13what happened to starlight hour
07:14in the fourth race
07:15i was very disappointed
07:18i've never seen a horse
07:19get lapped before
07:22and the guy guaranteed me
07:24she couldn't lose
07:25i lost a thousand bucks
07:27on that guarantee
07:28oh
07:29let me see if i got you
07:31figured out
07:31what
07:32you come to the track
07:33you give guys tips on horses
07:36based on nothing
07:37you know
07:38horse loses
07:39no money out of your pocket
07:41horse wins
07:42ah maybe some gratitude money
07:44into your pocket
07:45not a bad living
07:47you might be onto something
07:50well
07:51i have an appointment with a little girl
07:53i
07:53oh
07:54a little orphan girl
07:55she'll have to wait
07:59i got a little something
08:00i want to show you
08:02i'll just sit here
08:13i don't understand this
08:15it's quarter to seven
08:16we're gonna miss the movie
08:17i was really looking forward
08:19to seeing
08:19look sweet uncle ray
08:20he's not like the rest of our relatives
08:22i mean the rest of our relatives
08:23they'd show up on time
08:24but
08:25they have no chicklets in their pocket
08:26and they're not funny
08:30hey
08:32hi joey
08:34hi nicole
08:38i'm sorry
08:38i thought you were uncle raymond
08:40i'm sorry
08:41i thought you were my daughter
08:42who loved me
08:45right
08:46right
08:47all right
08:48well if he does come
08:49i'll be up in my room
08:50brushing my hair
08:51for the millionth time
08:53where is he
08:54how the hell do i know
08:56you want him
08:56you got him
08:57he's your uncle
08:58give me the sister
08:58hey relax okay
09:00come on he's crazy about it
09:01he's gonna be here
09:02no he won't
09:03joey you don't know him
09:04he bought you with chicklets
09:05he
09:06he does this stuff
09:07he just does this stuff
09:08what stuff
09:09this he
09:10he promises something
09:11and then he doesn't show up
09:12and he gets you
09:12built up and excited
09:13and then
09:14then he does
09:14look at this
09:15i'm getting my mother's vein
09:18hey what do you say michael
09:19what do you think
09:19he's deliberately
09:20trying to hurt her
09:21not deliberately
09:21he doesn't
09:22he doesn't deliberately
09:23hurt you
09:24you just
09:24get hurt
09:33now that guy only asked
09:42to borrow 20 bucks
09:43i don't know what gets into me
09:50nothing
09:50i guess i was just
09:52in a bad mood
09:56now then
09:58i lost a thousand
09:59on your guarantee
10:00i'd like a refund
10:02or i'm gonna suit up
10:05there are no guarantees
10:07in the sport of kings
10:08you know that
10:08raw
10:09you got my guarantee
10:10that if i don't get
10:11that thousand bucks back
10:12you die
10:15i die
10:16just like that
10:17no virus
10:18no flu
10:19right into debt
10:22come on
10:22where am i gonna get
10:23a thousand dollars
10:24the banks aren't open
10:25where would i get
10:26that kind of money
10:27look
10:28oh look
10:29you trapped this
10:32oh and here's
10:33your driver's license
10:34so now i know
10:34who you are
10:35and now i know
10:36where you live
10:37and if you're not
10:38back here tomorrow
10:39morning with my thou
10:40remember the old saying
10:42you can't go home again
10:45you know
10:46i've been threatened
10:47by a lot of guys
10:48but you're good
10:58all finished
10:58klawicki
11:00i'll send you a bill
11:01are you gonna bill me
11:02like a judge
11:02or like a plumber
11:04like a plumber
11:05you think i'm crazy
11:08oh we meet again
11:11and always under
11:12the most auspicious
11:14circumstances
11:14i don't give it
11:16a second thought
11:16you look better
11:18in overalls
11:18than most women
11:19doing bathing suits
11:20am i right
11:22you're right
11:23i know a terrific restaurant
11:25i know the chef
11:25the chef knows me
11:27you move fast
11:28well i may only be
11:30here a short time
11:32what do you say
11:35well i i did have plans
11:37so did i
11:38let's break our plans
11:39we'll make it up
11:40for them another time
11:41tonight belongs to us
11:45you don't mind
11:46if i change
11:47i wouldn't change
11:48a thing
11:49incidentally
11:50michael tells me
11:51you own this
11:51entire building
12:01hey where have you been
12:02mikey
12:03when you get to
12:04the movie theater
12:05ask for a guy
12:05named phil
12:06tell him you're ralphie
12:07have you got that
12:08he's phil
12:08you're ralphie
12:09who's phil
12:10what are you talking about
12:11oh mikey
12:11i thought it over
12:12she really doesn't
12:13want to see this
12:14river phoenix
12:14with an uncle
12:15she just met
12:15she should go with
12:16her dad
12:17that's a thrill
12:19so you're not
12:19taking her
12:20can't you please
12:21explain
12:22no
12:22you explain
12:24you why don't
12:24you look you know
12:25you can't just
12:26ride into town
12:27and shake everybody
12:28up and ride out
12:28again
12:29who are you
12:29zorro
12:30yeah nicole
12:31would you come
12:32down here please
12:32uncle zorro is here
12:33and he's got
12:33something he wants
12:34to explain
12:35it's just a movie
12:36no it's not
12:37there's more to this
12:38okay
12:39hi uncle raven
12:41explain
12:43uh honey
12:45sweetie
12:49would you like
12:50to hear some
12:50really good news
12:51there is no good
12:52news
12:52shush
12:54i happen to know
12:55this river phoenix
12:56is in town
12:57plugging his new
12:57picture
12:58and i happen to
12:59know his pr guy
13:01ray
13:01shush
13:02you're spoiling
13:03the surprise
13:03there's no surprise
13:04there's no surprise
13:05there's a surprise
13:06there's a surprise
13:07there's a surprise
13:08honey
13:09believe me
13:10tomorrow morning
13:11at 10 a.m
13:12river phoenix
13:13himself
13:13in person
13:14is gonna walk
13:15through that door
13:15and he's gonna
13:16be standing
13:16right here
13:20you mean it
13:21do i mean it
13:23ray
13:26i gotta make
13:26calls
13:27yes
13:28nicole
13:29don't call your
13:30friends okay
13:30just don't call
13:31them for now
13:31dad river phoenix
13:33is coming to our
13:34house
13:34yeah but just
13:35don't call your
13:35friends just yet
13:36okay trust me
13:37please
13:38okay
13:39okay
13:39now you
13:40where
13:41where did he go
13:42i guess he went
13:43to his appointment
13:43and you just let
13:44him go
13:45gee what's with
13:46you
13:48hey uncle raymond
13:50you come back
13:50here
13:52it's willie mays
13:53all over again
13:54what
13:55it's my 14th
13:56birthday party
13:57you don't remember
13:57this joe
13:58you were there
13:59i invited everybody
14:00i ever knew
14:01because uncle raymond
14:02tells me
14:03hey mikey
14:03i'm bringing willie
14:04mays to help you
14:05blow out the candles
14:06willie mays himself
14:07i know him
14:08he'll be there
14:09he loves me
14:10i guarantee it
14:13you know what
14:14it's like
14:14to have all your
14:15friends and enemies
14:16gathered in one place
14:17laughing at you
14:18on your birthday
14:19huh
14:19you know what
14:21that's like
14:22i'm standing there
14:23i'm defending
14:24my uncle raymond
14:25in the middle
14:25of all this laughing
14:26i'm standing there
14:27trying to keep
14:28from crying
14:28and i'm saying
14:29he'll be there
14:30hey my uncle
14:31raymond says
14:32he's bringing
14:32willie mays
14:33then he's
14:33he's bringing
14:34willie mays
14:35i believed it
14:36i believed him
14:38even when somebody
14:38turned on the tv
14:39and there's
14:40willie mays
14:40in san francisco
14:41running around
14:42the outfield
14:42i still believed it
14:45hey
14:47i wasn't one
14:48of the kids
14:48laughing at you
14:50i know
14:51i remember that
14:55and my uncle raymond
14:56didn't even show up
14:59he's not doing it
15:00again
15:01he's not
15:01he can do it to me
15:02he's not doing it
15:03to my kid
15:03do you hear that ray
15:05you're not doing it
15:06to my kid
15:06not my kid
15:10hey get lost lady
15:20i'm a little
15:20lightheaded
15:22you should go
15:23dancing more
15:24often
15:24especially with
15:25your talent for it
15:26am i right
15:28you're right
15:29it was a nice
15:30evening
15:32i'm supposed
15:33to say that
15:33so
15:34say it
15:36it was a nice
15:37evening
15:38i discovered
15:38a new restaurant
15:39and i danced
15:40my little heart
15:40out
15:41and it's aerobic
15:44you know i like it
15:45here
15:46oh if i had one
15:47wish
15:48it would be to stay
15:49a little longer
15:51that would be nice
15:52oh better than nice
15:55the only problem is
15:57i don't want to
15:58bother you with it
16:00bother me
16:03my bank's out of state
16:06how much do you need
16:07a thousand dollars
16:09think you can manage that
16:11of course
16:12i'll write you a check
16:14i'll write you
16:15and i owe you
16:18i don't understand
16:20i've learned never
16:21to mix high finance
16:22with affairs of the heart
16:25you're a smart cookie
16:27you're right
16:30how much trouble
16:31you in
16:32nothing i can't
16:33squeeze out of
16:33would this be in
16:35violation of any
16:36federal statute
16:37that i would have to
16:37see you prosecuted for
16:39me being an officer
16:40of the court
16:40nobody wants that
16:44in that case
16:59what a babe
17:11oh imagine finding us
17:12awake at this hour
17:13huh
17:13oh good
17:14you know me
17:15i don't like to
17:16disturb anyone
17:17come for these
17:19something came up
17:21a business conflict
17:22so i guess river phoenix
17:23won't be showing up
17:24in the morning
17:24huh
17:25mikey
17:26mikey it's a temporary
17:27disappointment
17:28in two days you'll
17:29forget it
17:30i didn't forget
17:31willie mays
17:31what
17:33i promised willie mays
17:34would show up
17:35someplace
17:37ray
17:39you make a lot of
17:41promises
17:41you know
17:42and you say
17:42a lot of great things
17:44and if
17:45if we take you
17:46seriously
17:47it hurts
17:48come on mikey
17:51you know i'm your
17:52favorite relative
17:54my favorite relative
17:55is up in her room
17:56sleeping right now
17:57with no idea
17:59how disappointed
18:00she's gonna be
18:00in the morning
18:01and not just
18:01cause river phoenix
18:03won't show up
18:04cause you won't
18:05show up either
18:07ray
18:10you do this
18:11to my daughter
18:13you don't come back
18:17joey
18:18she's your daughter
18:18too
18:19you can invite me
18:20sorry uncle ray
18:25mikey
18:27what
18:28you still love me
18:29right
18:31you still leaving
18:33i got no choice
19:03he's your uncle
19:05he gives tips
19:06to guys at racetracks
19:07that's what he does
19:07for a living
19:08relax michael
19:09he's not good at it
19:11so that's what
19:12keeps coming up
19:13he's right
19:14i'm too young
19:15to know about this
19:16it's a wonder
19:16he's such a hurry
19:17to get out of here
19:18huh
19:18what clue wiki
19:18was gonna kill him
19:19i was never gonna
19:20kill him
19:21especially now
19:22since i know
19:23he's your uncle
19:24gee mikey
19:26you owe me
19:26a thousand dollars
19:29nobody owes you
19:29anything clue wiki
19:30you listen to a tout
19:32you know what
19:33that makes you
19:34by definition
19:34you looking for
19:36broke or stupid
19:38they're not
19:39mutually exclusive
19:41i'm depressed
19:44i'm going to the track
19:48well
19:49somebody learned
19:49a lesson
19:50dad
19:52thanks for telling me
19:53not to call my friends
19:54that i'll be standing
19:55around here laughing
19:56at me right now
19:57huh
19:57well
19:58most of them
20:00i'll tell you
20:01one thing
20:02he's a hell of a dancer
20:03yeah he's the life
20:05of the party
20:05can't take that
20:06away from him
20:07well look who's back
20:09i'm back
20:10because you told me
20:10i can't come back
20:12until i keep my promise
20:13well i'm a man
20:15who comes back
20:16you kept your promise
20:19joey did i hear a knock
20:20on that door
20:29you brought him
20:31you brought him
20:33hey come on in
20:34come on in
20:43you're michael right
20:45sorry i'm late
20:47kid
20:48it's will
20:49oh my god
20:50it's willy may
20:51nicole get the camera
20:52it's willy may
20:54willy
20:58what is that
21:00that's willy may
21:02is he river phoenix's
21:04manager
21:06long story
21:08who cares
21:09what about river phoenix
21:11ah nicole
21:12i'm smart
21:14you just saw me
21:15keep a promise
21:16i gave to your father
21:17a long time ago
21:18so every time
21:20i come back
21:21maybe river phoenix
21:22will be with me
21:23so she'll always
21:24look forward
21:24to my coming back
21:25am i right
21:26i would look forward
21:27to your coming back
21:28anyway
21:31but river phoenix
21:32would be nice
21:33oh sure
21:35hey i want
21:36sixty copies of
21:37every pose in your
21:37dresses of everyone
21:38i ever knew
21:39ha
21:41you know margaret
21:43there's a guy
21:44downstairs trying to
21:45kill me
21:46i'm in big danger
21:47i'm a man on a run
21:49i hope it gets you hot
21:53you're in no danger ray
21:55why not
21:57i know the guy
22:00i believe this is yours
22:02oh
22:03hey uh ray
22:05excuse me
22:06come here
22:08willy
22:09would you do me a big favor
22:10take a picture
22:11me
22:12me
22:12and my uncle ray
22:37i'm a man on a run
22:43i'm a man on a run
22:43i'm a man on a run
22:43i'm a man on a run
22:43i'm a man on a run
Comments