- 17 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:07let me ask you something did you you set out to be an insurance doctor or did you want to
00:12be a
00:12neurosurgeon and just miss like a million classes you know i love my work i examine you if you're
00:19healthy we promise to pay when you die because we know you won't if you are not healthy you die
00:25like we know you would here you call this up to the dotted line i don't do you i don't
00:41do you i don't
00:42i can't come on i'm under pressure here all right i mean you wanted a specimen that that ought to
00:50be
00:50enough for a specimen no no a specimen he fly to the moon this is a dribble this barely qualifies
00:59as humidity come on give me a break will you give me a break i'm in there doing a rain
01:04dance
01:06sure fine i'll take it to the lab they will look they will laugh they will know they will see
01:12your
01:12name joseph harris macho man okay dads wish me luck hey today's the day right basketball try out
01:24someone's the first game magic dad i haven't even made the team yet hey you're my daughter you're a
01:28natural and my daughter good luck sweetheart thanks all right then hey hey hey when you're sure the
01:36coach is watching the amazing unbelievable joey harris wraparound jumper and the crowd goes wild
01:45and another family tradition continues
01:49boy i cannot wait to be sitting in those stands and see nicole throw that buzzer beater for the
01:55state championship i can hear the crowd now joey's daughter joey's daughter joey's daughter
02:01mr taylor uh you play basketball uh well not a lot lately i haven't you exercise at all
02:09my work keeps me kind of busy you work hard oh yeah you work late yep you drink nope you
02:15smoke no
02:16you might as well
02:25you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me no matter where you go
02:35standing by your
02:37side i'll be right behind no one loves you more than i do put your hand in mine
02:44i can see you more with me and you
02:50there's something special that comes shining through
02:55hear it in your laughter and i feel it when you cry
02:59i won't be right there for you until the day i die
03:04you can count on me no matter what you do you can count on me no matter where you go
03:15you can count on me
03:19mr taylor just that doctor's curiosity do you get headaches like steel bands squeezing your brain
03:28like yesterday's candle oh yeah sure sometimes i get headaches like that doesn't everybody i don't
03:36do you
03:38we don't
03:41might i also ask is there in your family a history how may i put this delicately
03:52no no hey mike hey didn't your uh grandfather and your uncle both have heart attacks
03:56no no not not big ones not big ones little ones heart boo-boos
04:02my family has a history of heart boo-boos there's nothing to worry about you wish
04:07what are you saying are you saying so i'm not gonna get insurance i'm not saying that i don't
04:10decide that wait what are you saying i'm sick i take the information i turn it over to the lab
04:15that's am i gonna die you know you shouldn't get excited what what because it'll kill me
04:21look uh have a nice day huh i'll get the test results in the mail hey wait wait so what
04:28should
04:28michael do about this uh you know that thing mr mike is a type a personality what the hell does
04:35that
04:35mean change your lifestyle change your work habits become a different person all together
04:42and that's gonna help well it's hard to say you see you are what you are and guys who are
04:48what you
04:49are are dropping like flowers
04:57hey wait hey michael don't come on you're gonna get yourself all crazy over this i'm a type a
05:02personality joe wait for the results to come no no the type a's we don't live long enough to get
05:06results we just get shooting pains and cantaloupe headaches that's it you're fine you are healthy
05:11come on you're gonna live forever and what if you're wrong then can i have your stereo
05:20these are clips of my high school glory days i remember this like it was yesterday
05:24joey harris leads hoopsters to victory in quarter finals yeah every minute is etched in my memory
05:30harris and hoopsters triumph in semis every moment frozen in time every second just burned into my brain
05:38who won the finals i forget
05:46hey there she is hey hey hey there's my basketball star hey any college scouts there huh you get any
05:52product endorsements eh maybe your name on a sneaker what come on
06:01no what no which one though the big no the no you don't want to know no
06:08well you didn't make the team
06:12it's the coach she's real serious about winning and stuff
06:16the girls she picked were all like good
06:22what did you did you show her the wraparound jumper i did well what happened she questioned
06:28its usefulness in actual competition what she actually said was what moron taught you that
06:34huh smooth move shelby hey she's got no business being a coach oh look who's here just in time good
06:42old
06:42logical sensible michael i just donated all my organs to a guy named ted it's gonna be a thursday pick
06:49him up joey fix michael michael fix joey micole all fixed let's go
07:01micole is devastated because some coach who probably teaches like home ec
07:06they said hey you got a life she said no so they stuck a whistle in her yap
07:11you know if i die nicole's gonna need a good father to bring her up right
07:15and joe i've decided that i want you to find a one
07:20my daughter is good enough to be on anybody's basketball team i'm going down here i'll tell
07:25you that i'm gonna go down straighten that coach out going down there yep
07:31because when you get right down to it type a personality headaches it's all just doctor talk for
07:36to be on the floor swing low sweet chariot
08:04you're the coach yeah what can i do for you i'm joey harrison nicole bradford's my daughter
08:12oh nicole bradford she's about this tall she's got long hair you ruined her life
08:17oh not every girl can make the team mr harris well how many girls did five starters five subs
08:23how many did you cut that four five well how come you gotta cut any of them once you suit
08:28up say a
08:29dozen players if i suited up a hundred players mr harris nicole wouldn't be one of them i mean
08:34she's a nice girl but uh basketball isn't her game what are you telling me what are you telling me
08:40that my daughter's not good enough to warm the bench look harris i hate to do this to you me
08:44you're not
08:44doing it to me hey you're doing it to my daughter she's the one that's devastated she'll never play
08:48basketball unless she gets serious i mean you know the shot she's got where she uh wraps the ball around
08:54her body she should try the circus hey i have to know my daughter's good okay now if you don't
09:02see
09:03that you know what that tells me that tells me that you are no kind of coach well maybe you're
09:09right i don't know why they hired me let's course it's got uh something to do with the little silver
09:15medal i just happened to win so come on harris
09:21you're gonna eat the ball or what
09:27oh yeah okay yeah hey come on see what's he got all right all right
09:45how's a foul
09:49you missed harris yeah but you look cute doing it real cute
09:59hey this ain't over lady
10:02look what i got sweetie new video camera so i can record our last few moments together before i'm worm
10:07child
10:09dad you're overreacting you're my overreacting dad all right here's what's gonna happen
10:15i'm taking you and shelby and all the other girls that were caught and we're gonna make a team
10:19out of you i'm gonna take you down here to play coach stewart's team and the winners are gonna be
10:22the starters for the rest of the season we'll see you know who knows what about basketball around
10:26here yeah honey this is what we looked like when i was still alive
10:33you went to my school you talked to my coach look look how much you loved me
10:46for she's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny
10:54happy 40th birthday nicole
11:03you know i wish i were there to share it with you because you know what they say life begins
11:07at 40
11:08but i really wouldn't know that because i never made it that far
11:11i'm dead
11:14right enough about me let's talk about you
11:16i'm sure by now you've chosen the right career
11:19but if not please refer to this video tape number 27
11:22label jobs that would make michael proud
11:27or this one 27a
11:29it's a good thing michael's dead
11:33i'm sure that's not a problem i'm sure you're very successful
11:35i'm sure you're happy
11:37i mean after all you're you're 40 years old now and
11:40i'm sure you're thinking to yourself is it still too soon to have sex
11:44but you know what the hell are you doing you remember the judge thanks to the miracle of
11:51videotape nicole will always have two fathers
11:53see i've compiled an assortment of helpful life-shaping little tips
11:59choosing a husband by tax bracket
12:05grandchildren and names that sound like michael
12:11how to manipulate the judge
12:14but at that one i was just kidding around i was playing with the with the camera
12:21i was gonna do that myself later in the afternoon
12:26michael have you heard from the insurance company yet
12:29uh no yeah but you know what they say no news is death
12:34and that kills me there's so many so many things i wanted to do in my life
12:37i i never saw the sun set over the andes
12:40neither did i
12:41never ran with the bulls in pomplona
12:45neither did i
12:46never had sex in a korean car
13:01and it was funny though you know what i mean here i am i'm right near the end
13:03i i tell you i've never felt better in my life
13:05there are no warning signs i have no shooting pains no double vision
13:18swing low
13:20sweet joey
13:24joey
13:25michael's singing spirituals
13:27no no no we got a big game tomorrow
13:29all right come on i want to see some push-ups now let's go
13:33Dad, we just ran around the block ten times.
13:36Hey, you want to win or you want to whine?
13:38Well, I guess we want to win.
13:42Come on, let's go.
13:43All right, come on, get in your positions. Let's go. Come on.
13:47All right, you ready? Let's go.
13:50Okay, that's good. Now double up on the ball, Karen.
13:53All right? Okay, come on now.
13:54Come on, Haskell's open. Pass it back. Pass it to Haskell.
13:58Okay, shoot the ball. Come on, shoot the ball.
14:01Shoot the ball. Shoot the ball.
14:06All right, give me the ball.
14:08Give me the ball. Give me the ball.
14:11Give me the ball.
14:12Give me the ball!
14:15We're doing better, huh?
14:18All right, let's run the other play.
14:22Nobody likes the other play.
14:23Why?
14:24It's hard.
14:26I'm out. I'm tired. I'm thirsty.
14:29I'm getting some juice.
14:31Okay, who wants what?
14:33Wait a minute. Hold it.
14:35Wait a minute.
14:35Did I say time out? Huh?
14:37There's no time out unless you hear the whistle blow, okay?
14:44Harris.
14:45Harris, I don't want to step on your little coachy toes, but, well, I've just noticed that
14:50over the years it's important that the ball go in the basket.
14:54You see, that's why they call it basket.
14:57Ball.
14:59Oh.
15:00Well, uh, you want to know why they call it butt out?
15:03Oh.
15:04We have a very sad face.
15:07Is our practice not going very well?
15:11The practice is going just fine, okay?
15:13In fact, the practice is going so fine that I'm thinking of inviting some of my friends
15:17down so that they can see my team wipe the floor with your team.
15:20Now, what do you think about that, huh, Stretch?
15:22You don't want to do that, Harris.
15:24Oh, yes, I do.
15:24In fact, I think we should make a big event out of this.
15:27Gee, Dad, I wouldn't.
15:30Neither would I.
15:31I mean, in fact, it's okay with me if we just call this whole thing off.
15:34Oh, what, are you chickening out?
15:36No, I just want to spare your girl some embarrassment.
15:39Well, look, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to coach my team now, okay?
15:46Suit yourself.
15:49Dad.
15:50All right.
15:52You heard what she said.
15:53Okay, up till now, it's been fun and games, all right?
15:57Now, we are going to totally commit, okay?
15:59We're going to eat, we're going to sleep, we're going to dream basketball
16:02because there's no turning back.
16:03This is the Marines, all right?
16:06Now you're going to work, you're going to sweat, we're going to suffer.
16:12Or we could quit.
16:14Who said that?
16:27Dad, I'm really sorry this didn't work out.
16:29Hey, it's working out fine, what are you talking about, Nick?
16:32Hey, look, this is how you separate the winners from the losers.
16:35Come on, I mean, I was going to cut them anyway.
16:39Look, all we got to do now is we got to find four more winners like us.
16:44Not us.
16:47Why, what are you telling me? Come on, what are you saying, you're going to quit too?
16:49No, I'm retiring.
16:53Hey, Nick, come on, this isn't like you, you're never a quitter.
16:56Dad, I just wanted to play basketball, I thought it would be fun.
17:00But you're not making it fun.
17:02Yeah, but I'm doing the whole thing for you.
17:04You're making my coach crazy for me, you're making my friends crazy for me.
17:08So I didn't make the basketball team, that's something I'm going to have to live with.
17:12And so are you.
17:29Problems, sport?
17:33Yeah, my daughter hates me.
17:35I ruined her life.
17:37I can never go back in there again.
17:39I'm going to have to live out here in the hallway.
17:43Be pathetic.
17:44Until she grows up and gets married and moves away.
17:50You didn't ruin her life.
17:52You just got carried away.
17:54And we count on you for that.
17:56Oh, you do, huh?
17:57Then why'd you give Nicole to me?
17:59I didn't give Nicole to you.
18:01I gave Nicole to you and Michael.
18:03Because I figured if one of you went berserk,
18:06Michael would be there to pull you back.
18:11Yeah.
18:12So what went wrong?
18:15I never counted on you and Michael both going weenie on me at the same time.
18:22Now Michael's not there to pull you back.
18:25It's a flaw in my system.
18:27Hey, I got you, Judge. I got you.
18:29But if Michael's there to pull me back, then what am I there for?
18:35Another flaw in my system.
18:49Get up.
18:50You know, Joe, the Hindis believe in a life after death.
18:55Where the dead can contact the living.
18:58So I'm wondering, how do they do this?
19:01And is it cheaper after 11?
19:04Snap out of it, will ya?
19:06Come on, did you get the insurance report?
19:07Mm-hmm.
19:09Right here.
19:10Like a great weight on my little bitty two-horsepower heart.
19:16Hey.
19:17Hey, this says you got the insurance.
19:19What's the problem here?
19:20It's the premium notice.
19:21Notice the premium.
19:24Jeez, you gotta pay that every year?
19:26Month!
19:29Jeez.
19:30Hey, look at my premium.
19:32Hey, that's, that's nothing.
19:33I mean, I got that much on me.
19:36Sorry.
19:38Apparently, Joe, I've got a type A personality,
19:40which means I undergo more stress than other people.
19:43For example, you.
19:44You know what this says?
19:45It means that they're betting that I'm gonna check out before you do.
19:48They think that you're gonna make it to a right bold age,
19:50and I'm gonna make it to, like, lunch.
19:53You gotta promise to keep my memory alive.
19:55Would you do that for me, Joe?
19:57Absolutely not.
19:58What?
19:58Absolutely not.
19:59Hey, I got a long life ahead of me.
20:01Come on, I got parties to go to, I got vacations to go on.
20:05Yeah, I got 30-year mortgages to get.
20:08Hey, I'm gonna learn to mumble.
20:10Hey, friend, you're a real pal, nice buddy.
20:12Yeah, but you know what I gotta do?
20:13I gotta, I gotta find me somebody with a longer life expectancy to pal around with, you know?
20:17I mean, I mean, how am I gonna have a good time in Martinique
20:20if I gotta drag your rotten corpse around?
20:23What are you saying, you selfish little lousy rat weasel?
20:29So, are you saying that, I guess I'm good for the good times, but as soon as the road gets
20:33a little rocky?
20:34Aloha.
20:37Okay, okay, here's a news flash, Mr. Party Man.
20:40I just decided that I am not gonna die.
20:43I'm gonna, I'm gonna live, I'm gonna outlive you.
20:44I'm gonna live for a thousand years for one reason.
20:46You know why?
20:47To annoy you and to haunt you.
20:49How do you feel?
20:51Better?
20:52What?
20:52I'm yelling at you, feeling, uh, feeling better.
20:54Good.
20:55You know, because I happen to notice that you look, uh, what's the word?
20:57Not dead.
21:01Oh.
21:02Like, you're so wise.
21:05Joe, you think you're wise?
21:06You ain't wise.
21:07You screwed up.
21:08You just screwed up.
21:09You know why?
21:09Cause I enjoy yelling at you.
21:10I feel better when I'm yelling at you.
21:12You, you actually reduce my stress.
21:14Do you know that?
21:14I have less stress now.
21:15I am at peace.
21:16This is, I am now at peace.
21:17Yelling at you, peace for me.
21:19Ha!
21:19You just bought yourself 50 more years of aggravation, buddy.
21:21Who would have thought Joey Harris, the elixir of life?
21:24See?
21:25You see?
21:25That's why the judge put us together.
21:27Hmm.
21:27You see?
21:28One of us goes off the edge.
21:29I pull you back.
21:31Hey, you went off the edge, buddy.
21:33I'm pulling you back.
21:34Hey, that's what I'm here for, babe.
21:36Mm-hmm.
21:37So, what am I here for?
21:40Nicole hates me.
21:45There's the part where I pull you back.
21:46Yeah.
21:48Watch what happens.
21:49Nicole!
21:52Come down here a second, please.
21:55Hey, sweetheart.
21:56No, no, no, no.
21:57Nicole.
21:59Joey.
22:01It's okay.
22:02Michael explained that you only wanted what was best for me.
22:06He did?
22:07And he also said that this is the way you are and it's why we love you.
22:13He did, huh?
22:14Yeah, and he also said that the reason this basketball thing is so important to you is because you choked
22:19in your high school finals.
22:24He did?
22:25Hey, that's what I'm here for, babe.
22:41Alina...
Comments