- 5 minutes ago
First broadcast 27th November 1979.
Charlie Roper, George's long-lost brother, comes to visit.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Peter Birrel - Charlie Roper
David Neville - Roland Barrington-Fitch
Michael Maynard - Sergeant Regan
Richard Shaw - Army Sergeant
Harry Littlewood - Mr. Turner
Mark Holmes - Sid
Michael Redfern - Policeman
Charlie Roper, George's long-lost brother, comes to visit.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Peter Birrel - Charlie Roper
David Neville - Roland Barrington-Fitch
Michael Maynard - Sergeant Regan
Richard Shaw - Army Sergeant
Harry Littlewood - Mr. Turner
Mark Holmes - Sid
Michael Redfern - Policeman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03You
00:38Oh, my God.
01:02How do you rate as a lover?
01:05Answer the following questions honestly.
01:08How often can you find something?
01:13No.
01:16Question two.
01:17When can you do the fine thing?
01:21Mainly in the winter.
01:24Question three.
01:26George! George!
01:28Look what I've got!
01:30How do you spell flannelette?
01:32Look, a cheque for £150.
01:34What's that for?
01:35To pay for my funeral.
01:37But you're not dead.
01:38You call this living?
01:40No, it's a life insurance policy, George.
01:43I took it out when you were learning how to drive.
01:45And now it's matured.
01:48£150.
01:48Oh, that's marvellous.
01:50That means I can buy myself a new...
01:51No.
01:53You're not getting your hands on this.
01:56Yeah, perhaps not.
01:59This is going to buy me that lovely little second-hand car I always dreamed about.
02:03That and what I've got tucked under the mattress.
02:05You're not selling my trousers.
02:08My savings.
02:10Pound here.
02:1150p there.
02:12It's amazing how slowly it mounts up.
02:15Oh!
02:16It's from your brother, Charlie.
02:17Well, he's writing to you.
02:19Well, no.
02:19It's addressed to you if you want to split hairs.
02:22But look, he says he's passing through London.
02:24He'd like to visit us.
02:25Mildred, that's private.
02:26It's addressed to me.
02:27You've no right to open it.
02:28Oh, I'm sorry.
02:29Sorry.
02:30Oh, well, that's better.
02:32He says he's passing through London and wants to visit us.
02:35Oh, really?
02:38Charlie, well, well, it must be 20 years or more.
02:40Did you ever meet him?
02:41Er, I don't know.
02:42Well, there were so many in your family.
02:44Was he the one with the bushy eyebrows and the five o'clock shadow?
02:47No, that was my sister, Gloria.
02:49Ah, he was a clever one.
02:50You know, good-looking, well-spoken.
02:52We used to beat him up.
02:53Oh, yes, I remember.
02:55He came to our wedding.
02:56He was the one that held you upright.
02:59Well, you never liked our family.
03:00You won't want him coming round here bothering us.
03:02Oh, nonsense, George.
03:04It'll be company.
03:05He's very welcome.
03:12You're going to be late for school.
03:14Have you seen his homework, Geoffrey?
03:15Do you know, according to this,
03:16the crime rate in Hampton Wick has risen by 12.5%?
03:20You think someone's stolen it?
03:22I wouldn't be at all surprised.
03:24Before we know it, it'll be like Chicago in the 20s.
03:27Very likely.
03:28Mrs Fogarty down at the wool shop overcharged me throttance yesterday.
03:32Will we have real gangsters?
03:34With submachine guns bumping people off?
03:39No, dear.
03:40You're thinking of Twickenham.
03:42It's that council estate.
03:44It's attracting the wrong sort.
03:46People who need somewhere to live?
03:48Precisely.
03:49Look, all I'm saying is it's time for decent people to stand up and be counted.
03:53Stand up?
03:54Look, I didn't mean it literally.
03:56Well, I did.
03:56You're sitting on Tristram's homework.
03:58Oh, my God.
04:03I must have called in at a dozen showrooms and not one of them had a car that I could
04:07afford.
04:08I mean, I must have walked for miles.
04:10You know what you want, don't you?
04:11A little car.
04:12What?
04:13Well, then you could drive around and look in the showrooms.
04:15I should just have to advertise, that's all.
04:17And why couldn't you have cleaned up while I was out?
04:20Well.
04:20Empty that ashtray.
04:21What?
04:21Oh.
04:22Well, I mean, after all, he's your brother.
04:25I don't want him to feel that.
04:29Wow.
04:30All this palaver.
04:31When he was a kid, he thought himself lucky to share a plate with a whippet.
04:36Oh, answer that, will you?
04:37I just want to make myself presentable.
04:39I can't keep him talking that long.
04:44And try and be pleasant for once.
04:46All right, all right.
04:51Hello, George.
04:52Hello, Charlie.
04:54Still wet the bed, do you?
04:58Not since I was four.
05:00You'd better come on in.
05:03He's here, Charlie.
05:06Mildred.
05:07Mildred, Charlie.
05:08How do you do?
05:10I think we did meet once.
05:11Oh, yeah.
05:12Right little charmer you were, then.
05:14And you still are.
05:15Oh.
05:16Curse of the ropers, bad eyesight.
05:19Would you like to sit down?
05:20Oh, Tom.
05:26So, how did you find our addressing?
05:28Oh, from Dad.
05:28I write letters to him, and he gets a neighbour to write letters back.
05:31Oh.
05:34Well, you haven't changed a bit.
05:36No, he hasn't.
05:39Oh, would you like to get some drinks, George?
05:40Well, oh, George, I mean, it's half a day, isn't it?
05:43Right, now, tell us all your news.
05:45Are you married?
05:46Do you have any children?
05:47Er, no, and I hope not.
05:49Well, I just never met the right woman.
05:51Didn't stop some of us.
05:54And, er, what about yourselves?
05:56You heard the patter of tiny feet yet?
06:00Er, well, er, no.
06:02And not unless you count the badgie.
06:04And he didn't walk a lot.
06:07So, where were these drinks?
06:09What?
06:09Oh, there's only one in the bottle.
06:11I've seen the country.
06:13Go out to the pub.
06:14Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
06:16Well, it's nice to have seen you, Charlie.
06:20And get us a bottle of sherry.
06:22Oh, go on.
06:23I'm sorry, you must excuse George.
06:25He's been under the doctor for pig ignorance.
06:27Oh, he's all right.
06:33Well, hello, Mildred.
06:36It's been a long time, Charlie.
06:41I'm not saying all the working class are criminals.
06:43That would be an exaggeration.
06:45Yes, decent type, some of them.
06:47Make good Batman.
06:49They don't have the same resistance to temptation that we have.
06:52They see some brightly coloured object.
06:54Quite, you haven't the respect for the law that we have.
06:56Another gin and tonic?
06:58Hmm.
06:59I've had four and I am driving.
07:01Stuart, you'll twist my arm.
07:02Yeah.
07:03Uh, two more, please.
07:04Oh, Lord.
07:05Ah, yeah, uh, half a bit and a bottle of sherry.
07:08Dry, medium or sweet?
07:09Cheap.
07:12It's up to our sort to help support the police.
07:15Quite right.
07:16Always carry a fibre in me driving licence.
07:18I thought I'd get them to send someone round,
07:20give a talk to our residents' association
07:21about crime prevention and hell's bells.
07:25Half a day, Sam.
07:26Uh, uh, uh, George Roper.
07:29How do you do?
07:30Roland Barrington Fitz.
07:35You win.
07:37Right, well, what are we talking about?
07:39Crime prevention.
07:40Oh, yeah?
07:40What about it?
07:41I'm doing it now.
07:42I'm controlling myself.
07:46Well, you never told George about us, then?
07:48Well, what for?
07:49It was before I met him.
07:50Yeah.
07:50In fact, you introduced us.
07:52Still, I mustn't bear grudges.
07:56Well, it might have been different if I popped the question, eh?
07:58Oh, you did.
07:59But I wanted marriage as well.
08:03So, we had some good times, didn't we?
08:05Yeah.
08:05Yeah, do you remember that time they were showing Gone with the Wind
08:07and we went seven nights on the trot?
08:09Yeah.
08:11Oh, I must see that sometime.
08:15But, uh, I mean, did you mean what you said, Charlie, about, you know,
08:18not being the marrying kind?
08:19Oh, yeah.
08:20Me mum reckons I inherited it from me father.
08:22Well.
08:24Still, that's another story.
08:26Here, I wonder what's holding George up.
08:27An elbow on the bar, if I'm any judge.
08:30You know, Mildred, it really took the wind out of my sails when you married him.
08:34Yes, I thought it might have done, yeah.
08:36It surprised George as well.
08:38Eh?
08:38Yeah.
08:39Well, you see, we went to this pub.
08:40Oh, he'd had a few, you know.
08:41And I thought he proposed to me.
08:43You thought?
08:44Yeah.
08:44What he actually said is, will you carry me?
08:50Oh.
08:51I've often wondered if that was true.
08:53Well, you could have done worse.
08:54Oh, I could.
08:55Yeah, me, for instance.
08:57Well, at least he's the faithful type.
08:58I'd have had half the bridesmaids breathing heavy before we reached the altar.
09:03Not that I don't still fancy you, ma.
09:05Oops, it's George.
09:06We've got five seconds before he gets in.
09:08Oh, George, are you together?
09:12They do say it's good for the garden.
09:14Oh, really?
09:14Yes, well, they would.
09:16They didn't have any quarter bottles, so I had to get half.
09:20Been entertaining you, has she?
09:23Certainly not.
09:25Well, it's no need to be standoff here.
09:26Sit closer together, get to know each other.
09:30So I phoned the station and they're sending someone round.
09:33Name of Regan.
09:35Oh, you don't suppose...
09:37Well, hardly.
09:38They wouldn't call out the Sweeney for our residence association.
09:42Geoffrey?
09:43Huh?
09:43Are you in favour of the death penalty for scrumping?
09:47What?
09:48Well, Tristram's been taking apples from old Mrs Bolsover's garden.
09:53I see.
09:56Where is he?
09:59Tristram!
10:00Yes?
10:04Now...
10:04Now, don't be too hard on him, Geoffrey.
10:06It's only a few green apples.
10:08That's how the great train robbers started.
10:11What have you got to say for yourself?
10:13Guilty.
10:15And I'd like some blackberries to be taken into consideration.
10:21It's stealing.
10:22Our sort of people don't do that.
10:25Well, Mrs Bolsover never picks them.
10:29Because she hasn't got any teeth.
10:33He said he's sorry, Geoffrey, and he's promised never to do it again.
10:37Very well, we'll say no more.
10:38But just remember, it's up to us to set an example to people who are less fortunate than ourselves.
10:46Oh!
10:48Yeah, five in a bed we used to sleep.
10:50There was me, Charlie and Bill, north to south.
10:53Fred and Bill, south to north.
10:54What, you mean you had two Bills in the family?
10:56Yeah, Mum named him after the first one.
11:00Yeah.
11:01And Betty and Gloria, they had a bed to themselves.
11:03After we found out they were girls.
11:07Oh, they were hard times.
11:08I tell you, I used to have to lie there all night without moving a muscle.
11:10Oh, that would explain a lot.
11:15Would you like another cup of tea?
11:16Oh, thank you, yeah.
11:17Oops, I'll make some fresh.
11:19Make yourselves comfortable.
11:23Yeah, when one turned over, we all had to, like dominoes.
11:27Put me right off share in a bed.
11:29Oh, yeah?
11:30Well, it was a long while ago, George.
11:32Yeah, but some things never change.
11:34I was glad to leave home, I'll tell you.
11:36Well, there comes the time for it.
11:37So I discovered.
11:39Dad sent me out to get some fish and chips and had the lock changed.
11:44What about you then, Charlie?
11:45Oh, I left shortly afterwards.
11:46Yeah, I got a girl into trouble.
11:47One of the O'Reilly twins.
11:49Oh, yeah?
11:49Which one?
11:50I never found out.
11:52Anyway, I flung a few things into a suitcase.
11:54Opened the family's safe deposit box.
11:56Gas meter.
11:57Yeah.
11:58And took a train to Macclesfield.
11:59Oh, so that's where you live?
12:00No, I did, but there was this girl and she had these big brothers.
12:05I can't say I approve of your way of life, Charlie.
12:08Oh, I see.
12:09You believe in sex after marriage.
12:10I didn't say that.
12:13Well, we're all made different.
12:14Oh, I knew I'd forgotten something.
12:16Oh, yeah?
12:17Where does she live?
12:17Chawton, come Hardy.
12:19It's this letter.
12:20It came for you just after you left in 1949.
12:24We would have forwarded it, only not having an address,
12:26we thought it was a bit of a risk.
12:28Oh, yeah?
12:28Yeah, I was having to pack me stuff.
12:30Well, I had to leave the Shetland Sea,
12:32because this girl told me she was in the...
12:33Well, anyway, I found that.
12:36I was using it as a bookmark in the Kama Sutra.
12:38Oh, yeah.
12:41Oh, my God.
12:43What?
12:43Report to Caterick Barracks at 1,400 hours.
12:48It's me call-up papers.
13:02It's me call-up papers.
13:20You realise what this means, don't you, George?
13:22You are a deserter.
13:24Yeah, but...
13:251949?
13:26Surely the police would have come round if I hadn't reported for duty.
13:28Oh, they was forever coming round, wasn't they?
13:31Looking for stolen property.
13:32Dad always used to turn off his earring aid.
13:35How come you kept this?
13:36Oh, well, I used the back of it, see, to jot down one or two appointments.
13:40What?
13:41Mandy, Judy, Wendy, Kirsty, Heidi, Natalie.
13:44Oh, that was a week, that was.
13:48Yeah, this is going to be a bit of a shock for Mildred.
13:50What?
13:50Oh, I'm not telling her.
13:51I know.
13:51She'd make me give myself up.
13:53They locked me away in the greenhouse.
13:56Here we are.
13:57A nice, fresh pot of tea.
13:59Yeah, Charlie doesn't want anything.
14:00He's got to go.
14:01George!
14:02No, he's right, actually.
14:03I've got to be down in Southampton by tonight.
14:05Oh.
14:05Well, but...
14:07Oh.
14:08Here we are.
14:09Bye-bye, Mildred.
14:10It was really nice.
14:12Yes, it was.
14:13We must do it again sometime.
14:16Hmm.
14:17I don't know if you want to see me to the door.
14:19Well, yes, I'd love...
14:20Oh, er, no, I think George had better do that.
14:23Come along, Southampton's this way.
14:29I'll, er, I'll drop you a card when I know who I'm, er, where I'm putting up.
14:32Yeah, right.
14:33Bye, George.
14:33Yeah, bye, Mildred.
14:35They never stop looking, you know.
14:37Eh?
14:37You do realise if they catch you, you could probably be shot.
14:48Hello?
14:49Hello.
14:49Uh, my name is Turner.
14:51I'm calling about your advert in the Hampton Wick Times.
14:54I understand you're looking for a small car.
14:56Well, I have a white Mini for sale with 65,000 miles on the clock.
15:01Oh!
15:02Uh, well, um, what price would it be?
15:05Oh, that sounds absolutely...
15:07That sounds very reasonable, yes.
15:10Well, could you bring it round this afternoon?
15:13That would be lovely, yes.
15:14It's 46,000, Peacock Crescent.
15:17Yeah, I'll see you then.
15:18Bye.
15:20250 pounds?
15:21I can't just about afford that.
15:23Oh!
15:24Who was that?
15:25Oh, my God!
15:27How did they find us?
15:29Deny everything.
15:29Well, it was only...
15:30Oh, George.
15:32You haven't shaved.
15:34Oh, no, I'm growing a beard.
15:36If the phone rings again, don't answer it unless it's somebody we know.
15:38George?
15:39Yeah?
15:40Why are you wearing my sunglasses?
15:42Am I?
15:43Oh, I didn't notice.
15:45I can't see too clearly on account I'm wearing these.
15:57George, you've been behaving very...
15:59What are you doing now?
16:01Oh, well, too much sunlight, it fades the furniture.
16:06I thought the name Four Mile rang a bell.
16:08Well, well, well.
16:10I never thought you'd end up a policeman.
16:13What was it we used to call you?
16:15Yes, perhaps we'd better get down to business.
16:18Wobbly chops.
16:20Quite.
16:22How many are there in your residence association?
16:24Oh, everyone in the street.
16:25Apart from two we never bothered to invite.
16:30Shall we say Thursday evening, then?
16:32Splendid.
16:32You can give them a talk on...
16:34Ah, this is my wife, Anne.
16:36My son, Tristram.
16:38This is Wobbly, um, Police Sergeant Regan.
16:43We went to school together.
16:44Oh, hello.
16:45You haven't grassed on me, have you?
16:49No.
16:51You must tell me all about it.
16:52I can't believe that Geoffrey was ever a boy.
16:55Oh, him and me.
16:56We've got up to all sorts.
16:57I wouldn't like it known at the station,
16:58but after school we used to go scrumping together.
17:03Really?
17:11Chopped ham, tin prunes, baked beans, dog-a-meat.
17:17Dog-a-meat?
17:18Oh, go on there.
17:20Right.
17:21Enough there for a siege.
17:22I'll just have a quick wrecking outside.
17:33George!
17:37Don't do that!
17:40George.
17:42Come on.
17:43What?
17:43Well, give me a hand.
17:45All right.
17:46Thank you, Matt.
17:47What are you doing?
17:48Well, I was just glancing out to see if it was raining.
17:52What, with your binoculars?
17:53Oh.
17:55Have you been looking into Mrs. Wilson's bathroom again?
17:58Certainly not.
17:59Because if you have, I'll...
18:01What's his bed doing here?
18:02And all this food?
18:04Oh, yeah, well, I've decided to move up there, here.
18:06See, I thought it'd be more cosy.
18:08Oh, it's happened.
18:10You've finally gone off your rocker.
18:12Now, not George.
18:13No, Bert.
18:14Pardon?
18:16Not George, Bert.
18:17I've changed my name.
18:18If anybody wants to know who lives here, it's Bert Reynolds.
18:21Oh.
18:24George, you...
18:25Ah, ah, ah, ah.
18:26All right, then.
18:28Bert.
18:29Now, look.
18:30I think you ought to go to a doctor, dear.
18:32I think...
18:32You can't be Bert Reynolds.
18:34We've got one already.
18:35What?
18:36Oh, yeah, him at the fish shop.
18:38Yeah.
18:39I'll have to think of another name.
18:42John West?
18:43Yeah.
18:44He got...
18:46He got it off a tin of salmon.
18:49I don't know what's the matter with a man.
18:51I mean, he's behaving very oddly.
18:53Oh.
18:54Perhaps he's going through the male menopause.
18:56Oh, I doubt that, dear.
18:58I think he went through that when he was about 20.
19:01But look, wouldn't you be worried if your husband started behaving like a nutcase?
19:06I'd get worried if he stopped.
19:07And I phoned round the members.
19:09Ah, Mrs. Roper.
19:10Mrs. West, actually.
19:13Pardon?
19:13It doesn't matter.
19:15Look, I mustn't keep you any longer.
19:16I've got to see a man about a car.
19:18Oh, yes.
19:19He's bringing it round.
19:20It's a little white car.
19:22Of course, it's second-hand, but I think it's a real bargain.
19:25Ah.
19:25Caveat emptor.
19:26No, it's a Mini.
19:29Let the buyer beware.
19:30There are an awful lot of crooks in the used car business.
19:33One should be careful.
19:34One should only buy from one's own class.
19:36I should?
19:37No, you shouldn't, but I mean...
19:39Geoffrey?
19:40Well, I know a chap in that line, Roland Barrington Fitch.
19:43He deals mainly in sports cars, but I'm sure he's got a little runaround in his stock.
19:47Oh, really?
19:47Mm, decent type.
19:49When to Winchester?
19:50Oh, I think that's a bit too far for me.
19:52Oh.
19:55All right, this should be enough.
19:57Oh, I've got a tin opener.
20:00Oh, gosh!
20:11Hello.
20:12Good afternoon.
20:14Is this the Roper's house?
20:16No, I never heard of him.
20:17But this is the address I was given.
20:19Oh, no, there must be a hoax.
20:20No one lives here with that name.
20:21All right, then.
20:21Goodbye.
20:30George?
20:32George?
20:34Oh, all right, then.
20:35John!
20:35Yeah?
20:36Wait, was that the front door?
20:38I'm expecting something, you see.
20:39There's a man bringing round a little white...
20:41A little white Mini.
20:43But he's driving off.
20:44Yeah.
20:45George?
20:46Huh?
20:46You sent him away, didn't you?
20:49No, certainly not.
20:51Yes, I did.
20:52Right.
20:53I want an explanation, and it had better be good.
21:03I'll put some pamphlets in the post to you.
21:08All right.
21:10Right, George.
21:11In you go.
21:13Oh, dear.
21:14They might put me up against a wall and shoot me dead.
21:18Nonsense.
21:19After all this time, they'll probably let you off with a flesh wound.
21:22Look, he looks very busy.
21:25Let's come back another time.
21:26George, do you want to spend the rest of your life skulking up in the attic, wearing a beard
21:30and dark glasses, never seeing anybody from one year's end to the next?
21:34Yes.
21:34Get in there.
21:37Yes?
21:38Er, my husband has something he wants to say to you.
21:41Er, it's about joining the army.
21:43Well, sir, it's a man's life.
21:45I can let you have some paraphrase.
21:47Aren't you a bit past it?
21:49No, no, no.
21:50You don't understand.
21:51You see, er, my name's Roper.
21:54You've probably heard of me.
21:56No.
21:57Well, it's a long story.
21:59It starts in 1949.
22:01Tell him, George.
22:02Well, oh, yeah, er, 1949, yeah.
22:05It was a cold winter, see, and, er, Berlin was still in the grip of the Russian blockade.
22:09And George, he's been just a tiny bit of a deserter, huh?
22:15But he didn't mean it, and he won't do it again.
22:17A deserter?
22:18Yeah, well, see, this came for me in 1949, but only just got it.
22:22Well, I don't know if this is my department.
22:24Let's have a look.
22:27Are you sure this was addressed to you?
22:29Well, of course.
22:30G. Roper, 27 Lasker Street.
22:32Very well.
22:34I arrest you for deserting from the Women's Royal Army Corps.
22:39What?
22:40You are Gloria Roper, aren't you?
22:43Gloria?
22:44Oh, no.
22:48Yeah, well, see, I just hadn't read it all, and Gloria, she volunteered.
22:51Yes, yes, George, yes, never mind.
22:53Oh, Mr. Barrington Fitch, it's a...
22:55It's a lovely car.
22:57I'm delighted we had what you wanted, Mrs. Roper.
22:59It's awesome.
23:04Nothing like dealing with one's own sort.
23:07Right.
23:08Decent of it, Roland.
23:09Yeah.
23:14I don't know if you've understood this, Mildred, but them call-up papers weren't for me, see.
23:18Yeah, I had worked that out, George.
23:20Oh, it's what I've always wanted.
23:23Excuse me, sir.
23:24You can't touch me.
23:26I didn't desert from the Women's Royal Army Corps.
23:29But this vehicle is on our list of stolen cars.
23:35Stolen?
23:36There must be some mistake.
23:38You tell him, Roland.
23:40I don't tell him, Roland.
23:47One's own sort.
24:18One's own sort.
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