- 1 day ago
First broadcast 24th October 1979.
George buys Mildred a fur coat from the Oxfam shop but when she hears that he found a credit card in the pub she assumes he used it in the shop and returns the coat.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Trevor Baxter - Oxfam Man
Hal Dyer - Mrs. Peasley
Ivor Roberts - Police Sergeant
Derek Deadman - Tommy's Dad
Roy Herrick - Nigel
Ewan Roberts - Mr. MacDonald
George buys Mildred a fur coat from the Oxfam shop but when she hears that he found a credit card in the pub she assumes he used it in the shop and returns the coat.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram
Trevor Baxter - Oxfam Man
Hal Dyer - Mrs. Peasley
Ivor Roberts - Police Sergeant
Derek Deadman - Tommy's Dad
Roy Herrick - Nigel
Ewan Roberts - Mr. MacDonald
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:04You
00:41Oh, my God.
01:06Cat. That's two and one. One double word score. That's eight points for George.
01:12Ah, it's a good game, this, isn't it?
01:14All right, there we go.
01:16M, M.
01:18Mm.
01:20Ah, yacht.
01:22Yeah.
01:23All right, that's seven. That's 13 points for George.
01:28I'm winning, Mildred.
01:30What are you doing?
01:32I'm playing with myself.
01:36Ask a silly question.
01:39Y-A-H-T. What's that?
01:43Oh, it's yacht.
01:44Well, where's the C?
01:45Underneath the yacht.
01:48Right, well, I've had my turn, so now it's my turn again.
01:50George, I'd like a word.
01:52Well, take your pick. Cat, yacht, anything you like.
01:55Well, I need a P.
01:56Not until I finish talking.
01:59Now, look, George.
02:00Tomorrow is a very special day for you and me.
02:03So, er, what's so special about it?
02:06The dustman come.
02:08Apart from that, no, 26 years ago, tomorrow.
02:12Now, think, George.
02:15What did you do on that day?
02:17Oh, yeah, no, let's see.
02:18That was a Tuesday, wasn't it?
02:19Yeah.
02:20I caught a number three tram down to the newsagent.
02:22That was tuppence, yeah.
02:23Bought a packet of five pashas, seven pence.
02:25Oh, yeah, and a picture post.
02:26What?
02:27How the hell do I know what I was doing?
02:28I'm not Leslie Welsh.
02:30Oh?
02:31Don't you remember him?
02:32He'd remember you.
02:33Let me refresh your memory, George.
02:38La-dee-da-da.
02:40Dee-da-da-da.
02:43Here's a clue.
02:44Oh.
02:46Yeah, I know, we got married.
02:48It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.
02:50Oh, George, you remembered.
02:52Oh, do I ever forget?
02:53Yeah, every now and again.
02:55Like 25 times on the trot.
02:58Look, George, other people on their wedding anniversaries,
03:01well, they do things.
03:03Do things?
03:04Yeah.
03:05Well, they celebrate, you know, they give each other presents.
03:07Oh, all right, yeah.
03:09Yeah, now, I bought you a present, George,
03:11so what are you going to do?
03:14I'll say thank you, Mildred.
03:17You are going to buy me one,
03:18and you're going to send me a card,
03:20or without any prompting from me.
03:22Understood?
03:22Yeah, all right.
03:23All right.
03:24Now you can go to the bathroom.
03:26Pardon?
03:33Ah, you're back.
03:35Look, just look at this.
03:37Congratulations, I put it in the salad.
03:40It's bindweed.
03:41Oh, I can't put bindweed in the salad.
03:43I know, you can't.
03:45Look, it's spreading,
03:45and all the roots are in the roper's garden.
03:48Well, can't you reach through and kill them?
03:49Oh, I'd love to, especially...
03:52The roots!
03:53I can't get at them.
03:54They're in the middle of his nettle bed.
03:57I must calm down.
04:01Control myself.
04:02Yes, have a Valium sandwich.
04:06Yes.
04:08And, er, what have you been up to this morning, dearest?
04:11I took Tristram to the playground on the Common.
04:14The Common?
04:16Where all the council estate children play.
04:19Nice!
04:21Now, don't be snobbish, Geoffrey.
04:22Is it snobbish to feel that their sort should have a separate playground?
04:25Yes.
04:26Yes, I suppose it is.
04:28Justin's made a friend there, Tommy.
04:30They're the same age.
04:31Oh.
04:31And what does his father do?
04:32He sells bindweed down at the market.
04:35Look, and all I'm trying to say is that Tristram has been picking up some bad speech habits from the
04:40council children.
04:41Oh, he hasn't.
04:46Can we go back to the playground this afternoon?
04:48Er, I don't think so, son.
04:50I think you'd better get on with your homework.
04:51I ain't got none.
04:56I ain't got none.
04:58Well, neither of us ain't got none, then.
05:08As I was saying to Anne, oil and water simply do not mix.
05:11No, no.
05:13Gin and tonic do, though?
05:14What?
05:15Yes, of course.
05:16Same again, please, large ones.
05:18Now, don't misunderstand me.
05:19I've got nothing against the working class.
05:21Salt of the earth.
05:22Goes without saying.
05:23But one doesn't want one's son mixing with people who can't speak properly.
05:26Oh, it's true.
05:27I could not seek a pint of cooking.
05:30If you see what I mean.
05:31Quite.
05:32Oh, hello, son.
05:33You in the chair, are you?
05:34No, I'm standing.
05:35Oh, good.
05:36Mine's a pint.
05:38Mine.
05:40What shall we chat about, then?
05:43Weed in your garden.
05:44Who did?
05:48Bindweed.
05:49Oh, you mean all that green stuff?
05:51Yeah, it's coming along nicely, isn't it?
05:54Mr. Roper, do you ever talk to yourself?
05:56No.
05:57Well, now's your chance.
05:58As I was saying.
06:00Oh, I see.
06:01Do I ever talk to meself?
06:03What sort of questions is that?
06:04It'd be a daft thing to do, wouldn't it?
06:05Yeah, of course it would.
06:07Oh.
06:08I have nothing against the working classes.
06:11Against him, yes, but he's not working.
06:14And he's got no class.
06:17Perfectly happy with me own company.
06:18I don't need them.
06:21All right.
06:23American Express.
06:27Well, it's my run, I think.
06:28Er, excuse me.
06:29No, no, no, no.
06:30I'm just buying for him.
06:30No, no, not that.
06:31This, I just found him.
06:32You lost a credit card?
06:34Oh.
06:39No, am I all here?
06:41Yes, so am I.
06:43Oh.
06:44Yes, sir.
06:45The black briefcase.
06:47Yes.
06:48This morning.
06:51Well, we'll sit and let you know if one has handed in.
06:55Could you give me some idea of the contents?
06:59Why not, sir?
07:03Oh, yes, it would be quite helpful.
07:05Thank you, sir.
07:10Pair of black directoire.
07:14Yes, I've got that, sir.
07:17Pair of patent leather ladies shoes.
07:20Six-inch heels.
07:23Size.
07:24Eleven?
07:27You're a right one, are you?
07:32Yes, sir.
07:33Pair of maids apron.
07:34Yes, sir.
07:37Feather duster.
07:39Yes, sir.
07:43And a cheese and tomato sandwich.
07:48Right, so just leave it with me, will you?
07:54I don't know why I wanted to write that down.
07:56I think I'll remember it.
07:58What's your problem?
07:59Oh, well, supposing I've found something.
08:02Not a black briefcase?
08:04No, no, no, no.
08:05What have you found?
08:06Oh, nothing.
08:07But I was wondering if there might be a reward.
08:10What, but finding nothing?
08:12No, no, no, no.
08:13See, a credit card.
08:15See, if I have...
08:16Which I haven't necessarily found, see.
08:19Well, sir, I...
08:24Midland Road.
08:27Oh, yes, sir.
08:30No, sir, no, no.
08:31You didn't mention that.
08:33A studded dog collar with lead.
08:38Yes, sir.
08:39If your briefcase is entered in, I'll give you a ring.
08:44At the vicarage, yes.
08:48Now, this credit card.
08:49Where didn't you find it?
08:50Oh, down at the...
08:51No, no, no, no.
08:53I didn't say I had.
08:54Have you or haven't you?
08:57Er...
09:00Morning, George.
09:01Oh, thank you for the morning.
09:03Now, let's see if a certain someone
09:05has remembered our wedding anniversary.
09:07Oh, yeah, well.
09:09Oh, yes.
09:11To my darling Mildred.
09:13Thank you for 26 glorious years.
09:16All my love, George.
09:18Kiss, kiss, kiss.
09:19I didn't send that.
09:20I know you didn't.
09:21I sent it myself.
09:25It's the only way I'm going to get one.
09:27Oh, good.
09:27I'm glad I didn't forget.
09:29And, er, here's mine to you.
09:31Oh.
09:32Oh, tough.
09:33Oh, I wasn't expecting.
09:34It's a get well soon card.
09:36Exactly.
09:38And, er, here's my present.
09:40Oh, thank you, Mildred.
09:42Yeah?
09:42It's a pair of black silk pyjamas.
09:45Oh!
09:46They will make you look just like Bruce Lee.
09:48Oh.
09:52More like Peggy Lee.
09:55Well, they're in place, the ones you've got torn last week.
09:58Yeah, and whose fault was that?
09:59Well, mine, but I was trying to scrub out a cocoa stain.
10:03Well, you might let me take them off first.
10:06Look, put the new ones on.
10:07Go on.
10:08Oh, yeah.
10:08All right, then.
10:09Oh, no, no, no, no.
10:11No, I'll tell you what.
10:12I'll give you your present.
10:13But, my...
10:14You mean you've actually bought me something?
10:16Well, you told me to.
10:17Oh, George, you're so thoughtful.
10:25There you are.
10:26Yeah.
10:27It's only a fur coat.
10:28Oh, yes, I know, but it's a thought that...
10:31Oh, my goodness!
10:32It's secondhand.
10:33Oh, yes, but George is a fur coat.
10:35It only cost me 30 quid.
10:37Yes, but it's a...
10:37I've got it from the Oxfam shop.
10:41But it's a fur coat!
10:43Oh, George.
10:45Oh, God.
10:49And one of the reasons that you go to private school is that you can learn to speak, uh...
10:55Proper?
10:58Properly.
10:59And since you've been playing with young Tommy, you have been dropping your H's.
11:04I haven't!
11:07All right.
11:08You see?
11:09Sorry.
11:10I will try harder.
11:11Good lad.
11:13Anne, doorbell's ringing?
11:15Yes, sir.
11:16Sorry, sir.
11:17I was black-leadding the great, sir.
11:21Can we go and play football in the garden now?
11:23Uh, I don't think so.
11:25Hello, Mildred.
11:26Do come in.
11:26Yes, let's.
11:29How are you, dear?
11:30All right?
11:30Oh, fine.
11:31Good.
11:32Hello, Mrs Roper.
11:33Goodbye.
11:33Oh, good-bye.
11:35Do sit down, Mildred.
11:36I'll put the kettle on.
11:37Thank you, dear.
11:37Oh!
11:38Did Mr Roper find out who that credit card belonged to?
11:41I don't think so, love.
11:41No.
11:42Here, but you'll never guess when he bought me.
11:44Oh, what?
11:45Oh, it is the most beautiful credit card.
11:49Well, yes.
11:50Geoffrey said he found one yesterday in the pub.
11:52Well, George did.
11:53Hmm.
11:54Lucky it was him.
11:55But why?
11:56Well, if you lose one and it falls into the wrong hands,
11:58they can buy all sorts.
12:03Sorry, you were saying?
12:05Oh, nothing, dear.
12:06No, um, look, I can't stay.
12:07No, I just popped in because it was, um...
12:09Excuse me.
12:29I reckon it quite suits me.
12:33George?
12:36Greetings, Glotus Blossens.
12:40Just answer me one question.
12:43Where did you get the money to buy that fur coat?
12:45Oh.
12:46So?
12:47Ask no questions, told no lies.
12:50Oh, my God.
12:51What?
12:52You found a credit card yesterday, didn't you?
12:55Yes.
12:56Oh, I see.
12:57Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
12:59I think so.
13:00When did I ever do anything dishonest, Mildred?
13:03Well, you had to...
13:03Well, let's put it another way.
13:05Yes.
13:06I'll refuse to discuss the matter.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:13APPLAUSE
13:17APPLAUSE
13:20Do you know what was the best?
13:26Yes.
13:35I know it was so good.
13:55L.
13:57L.
14:00Ah, illiterate.
14:01Yeah.
14:03Is there one L in illiterate or two?
14:06I said, is there one L in illiterate?
14:08I'm not talking to you, George.
14:10Yes, you are. You just said, I'm not talking to you, George.
14:13Happy anniversary, Mildred.
14:15What?
14:1626 years and one day. See, I remembered.
14:19George, how did you pay for this coat?
14:22Oh, you're not still going on about that. Don't you like it?
14:25I want nothing to do with it.
14:26Oh, right. In that case, you can have your pyjamas back.
14:28I'll sleep with nothing on.
14:34No, I won't. No, I won't.
14:38Oh, Stoops.
14:40That's all the thanks you get, Moby.
14:42I bet you gave your wife a fur coat.
14:44She wouldn't fling it in your face, would she?
14:45No, of course she wouldn't. Well, there you are, then.
14:48Come on in, love.
14:49I just popped in to borrow a cake tin.
14:51I can't remember what I did with mine.
14:53I can. You'll enter to me.
14:54Oh.
14:55But you're welcome to borrow it.
14:57Thanks.
14:58Morning, Mr. Roper.
14:59What?
15:00Oh, yeah, likewise.
15:02Oh, here.
15:03Do you want a fur coat?
15:05What do I have to do for it?
15:06I don't understand.
15:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:09No, nothing like that.
15:10You'd have to buy it.
15:11Mildy doesn't want it.
15:12Oh.
15:13Well, it's quite nice.
15:14Well, 30 quid and it's yours.
15:15Get it, George.
15:16George, ignore him, love.
15:18It is not his to sell.
15:20It's not mine, either.
15:25Yes, isn't it sweet?
15:26Thank you so much.
15:27Good day.
15:32Excuse me.
15:33If I wanted to buy something here,
15:36would you take a credit card?
15:37We're a charity, madam.
15:39We take anything.
15:40Money, curry shells, dustbin lids.
15:43Your kitchen.
15:44American Express?
15:45I haven't got one.
15:45Oh, that's different.
15:50You see, what I mean is that
15:52if someone bought something yesterday
15:54with the card and I returned it,
15:57would you cancel the charge?
15:59Well, yes, but...
16:03Oh, what's wrong with it?
16:05I am a friend of the earth.
16:07Yes, well, I'm quite fond of it myself, but...
16:09I don't need anyone to wear a beaver coat.
16:11Unless, of course, it's a beaver.
16:14Nice.
16:15Well, I suppose I could wade through yesterday's accounts.
16:18It cost 30 pounds.
16:19Shouldn't take me more than an hour or two to trace it.
16:22Oh!
16:23Oh, yes.
16:24Yes, of course.
16:25And then, when I find it,
16:27I shall have to cancel the charge.
16:31Quite.
16:35My mum's made a cake.
16:37And they're usually quite eatable.
16:40Yes.
16:41About four o'clock, then.
16:44And bring a water pistol.
16:46Yes.
16:47And bye, Tommy.
16:49It's all fixed up.
16:51Not quite.
16:52We haven't told your father yet.
16:54That's really a woman's job.
16:56Yes.
16:57All right, I'll tell him.
16:59Tell him what?
17:01Well, I've invited someone to tea today,
17:03and I'm not sure you'll be too pleased.
17:05Your mother.
17:08Anthony Wedgwood, Ben?
17:11Not Roper.
17:13Yes, he's a woman.
17:15Tommy.
17:15Oh, that's all right.
17:17From the council estate?
17:18Yes.
17:19I ain't half looking forward to it.
17:24Yep.
17:26Ta-ta.
17:27That's it.
17:28See that, Moby?
17:29Ta-ta.
17:29That's like the sauce they pour over fish.
17:31No, you probably wouldn't be interested in that.
17:34Ah, where have you been, then?
17:36There and back.
17:38Oh, all right.
17:38Be like that.
17:39I won't tell you you won the game.
17:41George, I want you to make me a solemn promise.
17:43What?
17:44You will never do it again.
17:46Oh, yeah, I'll go along with that.
17:50Right, then.
17:51Hand it over.
17:52Come on.
17:52What?
17:53The credit card.
17:54Oh, God.
17:55No, it wasn't yours, George.
17:57You should never have used it to buy that fur coat.
17:59I didn't.
18:00Oh, don't you lie to me.
18:02You could go to jail for doing something like that.
18:05Don't move.
18:06I haven't finished with you yet.
18:11Yes?
18:12Does a Mr. George Roper live here?
18:15Yes.
18:16Well, can I have a word with him?
18:17Yes, of course.
18:19Yeah.
18:20What about?
18:21I've just come from the police station.
18:23Oh, he didn't do it?
18:24Hmm?
18:24Oh, well, he might have done, but, I mean, he didn't mean to.
18:28Are you in plain clothes?
18:30Fairly plain.
18:31Oh.
18:33George?
18:35George, don't say anything until you've seen the lawyer.
18:38What?
18:38Mr. Roper?
18:39My name is MacDonald.
18:41He's from the police station.
18:42Oh, it's about the credit card, is it?
18:44Aye.
18:44He has his blackouts, you see.
18:46He forgets things.
18:48I don't have blackouts.
18:50You see, if he's gotten them at all.
18:53I'd like to thank you, Mr. Roper.
18:56But, you see, he's never done anything like this before.
18:59Thank him?
19:00But, but, why?
19:02I mean, he's...
19:02For handing in my credit card.
19:04But he doesn't...
19:05I think, honestly, like that deserves a small reward.
19:08Oh, well, no, I couldn't really accept anything.
19:10No?
19:10Oh, yeah, well, I mean, if you want to, yeah.
19:13George, I'm sorry.
19:15Later, Mildred.
19:16Here we are, then, and thanks again.
19:19Ten fags?
19:20Eat, actually.
19:21I've smoked a couple.
19:25Well, I'll show myself out.
19:28You certainly will.
19:28Oh, if you don't mind, I'll just take the coupons.
19:31I collect them.
19:33Do you like?
19:38Oh, George.
19:41Oh, miserable git.
19:43I wish I'd used his credit card to buy your fur coat.
19:46Oh, you wouldn't have done that.
19:48My fur coat!
19:50Oh, it's ever so nice, isn't it?
19:52And such a bargain, too.
19:53Do you think it suits me?
19:55No.
19:56Well, just because you don't like it,
19:57didn't put everybody else off.
19:58But I do like it.
19:59I want it.
20:00Oh, well, if she wants it, I'll have it.
20:01I'll write a cheque.
20:02But I had it first.
20:04But you brought it back.
20:05Now, incidentally, I went through the accounts.
20:07It was paid for in cash.
20:09I know.
20:10I could refund it if you insist.
20:13Yes.
20:13So most people give us money.
20:16I gave you all my change.
20:17I mean, we are a charity.
20:26Now, Geoffrey, you are going to be nice to Tommy.
20:30And do you take me for an insensitive oath?
20:32Pass.
20:32Pass.
20:33All right.
20:34He can drop his H's if he wants to.
20:36He can use double negatives.
20:38He can split his infinitives if he wants to.
20:39I'll say nothing.
20:40Just try to make him feel at home.
20:42Certainly.
20:43Shall I wait till Tristram gets out,
20:44or shall I put the coal in the bath now?
20:46Geoffrey.
20:48He's only a little boy.
20:50Be nice.
20:52Be nice.
20:54I may need a little help.
21:03Geoffrey.
21:05Hello, little chap.
21:07I...
21:07Oh.
21:09Geoffrey, this is Tommy's father, Mr...
21:12Bert Harris.
21:13How do you do?
21:14Hello.
21:14I thought your son was...
21:16No, no.
21:17He's not coming.
21:18No offence, of course,
21:19but, I mean, quite honestly,
21:21I don't think he should mix with you lot,
21:23the, uh,
21:24the bourgeoisie.
21:26I mean, uh,
21:27you are, so to speak,
21:28the class enemy.
21:29No offence, of course.
21:31I beg your pardon?
21:32Uh, do sit down.
21:34Oh, ta.
21:35As a matter of fact,
21:36I think it'd be better
21:37if my Tom and your lad
21:39didn't play together so much.
21:40Why not?
21:41Well,
21:42Tom's picking up this sort of, uh,
21:44la-de-da way of speaking from your kid.
21:47You know what I mean?
21:48Uh, could you elucidate?
21:50Yeah, that's the sort of thing.
21:53Only I want my boy
21:54to grow up like me,
21:55don't I?
21:56Do you?
21:57Oh, yeah.
21:58I mean, uh,
21:59I'm a union shop steward, see?
22:01A shop steward?
22:02I'll get your blood pressure pills.
22:04Well,
22:05and he's gonna be the same.
22:06Only he can hardly stand up
22:07in front of 3,000 factory workers
22:09and say,
22:09I tell you what, chaps,
22:11wouldn't it be a spiffin' wheeze
22:12if we,
22:13we drew the jolly old labour?
22:14What, what?
22:18You know what you are,
22:19don't you?
22:19What?
22:20You're a bloody snob.
22:26George?
22:28The coat was gone.
22:30What?
22:31Yeah, well, you know,
22:31I took you back to the shop
22:32because I thought you'd, you...
22:33They've sold it.
22:35I see.
22:36My present to you.
22:38George, I'm...
22:39I'm sorry I doubted you.
22:41I'm sorry.
22:43It's all very well, Mildred.
22:44But I think an apology
22:45is called for.
22:46Yes.
22:48You doubted my honesty, Mildred,
22:50and that hurt.
22:51It's very difficult for a man
22:52to forgive and forget
22:53when his honesty is questioned.
22:54Yes, but...
22:55Well, where did you get the money?
22:57Post office savings account.
22:58Ah.
22:59But you haven't got one.
23:01No, but you have.
23:02I'll forward your signature
23:03and you've got 40 quid.
23:04You won't!
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