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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:40Potatoes
00:43Garlic
00:44Lemongrass
00:47Lemongrass?
00:49Where am I going to get lemongrass from?
00:52Oh, to hell with it. We'll have to have it without lemongrass.
00:55Yeah, why are you doing that this early?
00:58Let me show you up, I'll see.
00:59I couldn't sleep, I'm worried about tonight.
01:01No, you don't have to worry, sweetheart.
01:03It's only your mum and dad, isn't it, coming for dinner?
01:05It's not only my mum and dad coming for dinner.
01:07Isn't it? Why? What, they bringing the neighbours and all, are they?
01:11No, I mean, it's not that simple.
01:12My parents and I didn't see each other for years, didn't even talk.
01:16Yeah, I know, but you've kissed and made up now, haven't you?
01:18You and Damien, you went up there for the weekend at their house.
01:20Well, I know, but now they're coming here.
01:22They've never been to the flat before.
01:24I've never cooked for them before.
01:26They've never met you before.
01:28Well, exactly, I'll be right by your side, won't I, eh?
01:32Anyway, what did you tell them about me?
01:36Well, I said your name was Derek.
01:38That's about it, really.
01:39Yeah, well, with a bloke like me, that's all you need to know, really, isn't it, eh?
01:45Right.
01:47What are you going to do us to eat?
01:48Noisettes of lamb in red wine and cognac.
01:51You don't need to go to all that trouble, sweetheart.
01:52A bacon sandwich will do me.
01:56Oh, I see. Oh, that's for tonight.
01:58Oh, lamb in wine.
02:00Hey, that's going to be lovely jubbly.
02:02Morning, all.
02:02Ah, morning, hon.
02:03Morning.
02:04And another thing, you promised to get another table and some proper armchairs.
02:07We can't eat at that thing.
02:08It's all right, it's all right.
02:09It's taken care of, sweetheart.
02:11Denzel's coming round later on.
02:13He's going to clear all this gear out and drop off the new stuff.
02:16Anyway, I don't know why you're going to all this bother.
02:18Really, I don't.
02:19I said we could take them out for dinner.
02:21You know, I'm really well in with the manager at a local restaurant.
02:25No, this is my home now.
02:27And if my parents want me back in their lives, they'd better get used to it.
02:30Besides, the Spudulite's always full on a Friday.
02:33Yeah, that's true.
02:34Anyway, I'll get some breakfast then, shall I?
02:36OK. Will you check me on the bar, see if we've got any cognac?
02:38Yeah, all right.
02:40There you go.
02:40Yeah, I've got plenty of it.
02:42All right, Albert, what do you want?
02:43Well, if we're starting early, I'll have a cognac as well.
02:47No, no, you old git.
02:49That's for tonight, that.
02:50Look, will you tell Raquel to stop worrying and fussing about this meal tonight?
02:54You've got nothing to worry about, love.
02:56Well, all in the hand, you do the meat and I'll do the gravy.
03:00Yeah, that's all right, and I'll do the veg.
03:01I'm a dab hand with a pint of water and a bucket of cabbage.
03:04The only thing we've got to worry about is whether that bloody lift's working.
03:08Broke down twice this week.
03:09We can't have Cassandra climbing up all those stairs, not after what she's been through.
03:14Are her and Rodney coming to dinner?
03:16Well, I invited them, but the way they are at the moment, who knows?
03:19Yeah, well, I hope they do.
03:20They need to get out.
03:21What do you mean, Rodney's out every night?
03:23I know he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
03:25He's got a lot on his mind, and how do you think Cassandra feels?
03:28She's the one who's had the miscarriage.
03:29She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
03:34Yes, I know, but she's a woman, isn't she?
03:36She's stronger than Rodney.
03:40No, I mean, I've known Rodney all his life.
03:43He's always had this problem about facing up to things that hurt him.
03:47What he tends to do is to walk away and pretend it isn't happening.
03:51That's what he's doing now.
03:53But, you know, as soon as he gets it off his chest, he's going to be fine.
03:56See?
03:57All right, don't worry, I'll get it.
04:02Trottles Independent Traders.
04:05Oh, hello, Cassandra.
04:07Cool, you're up early.
04:08What are you doing that for?
04:09You are?
04:10Oh, right.
04:13Rodney was only out again last night.
04:16Didn't get home till the early hours.
04:18Oh, no, you were with him.
04:24Well, you'd better talk to her.
04:25Go on, then, you talk to her, will you?
04:26I'll take it in the kitchen.
04:27Yeah, all right, all right.
04:29What Rodney needs is a counter-worry.
04:31You what?
04:32Well, during the...
04:32If you say during the war, once more,
04:35I'm going to pour this cup of tea right over your head.
04:37I wasn't going to say during the war.
04:39Well, that's all right, then.
04:41Bloody little Noel.
04:42You all right.
04:43I'm sorry.
04:46During the 1939-1945 conflict in Germany,
04:50I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic.
04:58Now, in those days, a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
05:02Yeah, I'm not surprised when they saw you walking up the gangbang.
05:04So our own script and Captain Kenworthy used to relay all those fears
05:09by creating a counter-worry.
05:11Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.
05:15Really?
05:15Well, that must have cheered you all up, didn't it?
05:17Well, it took their minds off the U-boats and the sharks.
05:21I see.
05:21Well, it's a good job your Captain Kenworthy didn't join the Samaritans.
05:25Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to get a barge under Chelsea Bridge
05:27for falling bodies.
05:29He's still the same.
05:31Cassandra said he's even stopped going to see the councillor at the hospital.
05:33Oh, dear.
05:35Well, Albert reckons we ought to tell Rodney
05:37that there's a cholera epidemic in Beckham
05:39and that should get him out of his mood.
05:41I say, give him a counter-way.
05:43Look, if Rodney thought a close friend or a relative was ill,
05:47he'd start worrying about them and stop worrying about himself.
05:50Yeah, I see.
05:51So when that person became better,
05:53Rodney would have forgotten what he was worried about in the first place.
05:55Exactly.
05:57Well, it's worth a try.
05:58There's got to be someone he really cares for.
06:00Damien.
06:02Have you asked a five-year-old to act ill?
06:04I could pretend for you.
06:06Yes, but how would he know the difference?
06:09No, no.
06:10Look, it's got to be me, hasn't it?
06:11Eh?
06:12All right.
06:12That's him now.
06:13All right.
06:13All right.
06:14Okay.
06:14Come on.
06:14We'll give it a well.
06:15We'll give it a try.
06:16I'm a mill.
06:16I'm a mill.
06:17All right.
06:17Come on.
06:17Come on.
06:21Morning.
06:22Morning, son.
06:23How's Cassandra?
06:25Fine, thank you.
06:25Good morning, Rodney.
06:30How are you?
06:32I'm all right.
06:35Dale's not very well, Rodney.
06:37Oh, well, I'll go home then.
06:39I'm sorry.
06:41I swear I might make a recovery.
06:45We called the doctor in last night.
06:47I bet you're wondering what he said, aren't you?
06:50Well, he said I would live, but he didn't recommend it.
07:01Right.
07:03I'm really worried, Rodney.
07:05Has he ever suffered with pleurisy?
07:07Only when he's tried to spell it.
07:13I'll make a pot of tea.
07:14Yeah, nice for you.
07:18All right.
07:18All right, Raquel, I'll have a cup.
07:20Oh, Raquel.
07:22Can I have a cup of tea, too, please?
07:26All right.
07:26It's all right.
07:26I'll get it.
07:27All right.
07:28Oh, thank you.
07:29Rodney.
07:30Rodney.
07:30Thank you, Rodney.
07:31Rodney.
07:32Thank you, Rod.
07:33Rod.
07:34What?
07:34They uncaring little git.
07:37I could be on me last knockings here.
07:39He doesn't care whether I've got yellow fever or foot fungus.
07:42Are you all right, Rodney?
07:53What are you up to?
07:55Catalog in our stock.
07:56I'm going to put all of this on computer.
07:58On computer?
08:00Now, we've had this discussion before.
08:01That's dangerous.
08:03That means anyone could hack in and find out what we got.
08:06If we thought someone was hacking into our computer, all the police would have to do
08:10was go and arrest Mr Bean.
08:13I mean, look.
08:15These are the entire records for Trotters Independent Traders.
08:19I began filing them when I first started working for you 16 years ago, but you told me to stop it.
08:24Yeah, because we don't need it, do we?
08:26Because it's all up here.
08:28I mean, squirrels, they ain't got computers, but they know where their nuts are.
08:31I'm going to make a note of everything, and I'm going to chuck a lot of this junk out.
08:36Hey, you be careful.
08:38One man's junk is another man's treasures.
08:41Derek, we have got a pile of Shawaddy Waddy LPs under a time for a triumph herald and an artificial limb.
08:48These are not going to make big news on the Antiques Roadshow.
08:53All right.
08:55Hey, these LPs, you know, they're collector's items.
08:58Oh, all right.
08:59Well, let's see if we can find a one-legged Shawaddy Waddy freak and flog them two.
09:04And if he turns up in a triumph herald, we've had a result.
09:08Look, Rodney, what is the matter with you?
09:12What is the matter with me?
09:14Yes.
09:15Didn't anybody tell you?
09:17Yeah, look, Rodney, I'm sorry.
09:19My wife was rushed to hospital a fortnight ago and we lost the...
09:23There's nothing wrong with me, Dill, right?
09:25Everything's hunky-dory.
09:27Look, all right.
09:28Look, Rodney, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
09:31You know, I had a dream a few weeks ago.
09:33I dreamt you and Damien ruled the world.
09:36Oh, yeah?
09:37Yeah.
09:37Yeah, you own companies, corporations, conglomerates everywhere.
09:42It was horrible.
09:45Do you know what I was?
09:46Huh?
09:46A messenger.
09:47A messenger.
09:48You and Damien were presidents and chairmen and I was a bloody messenger.
09:53And I thought, oh, well, maybe it's not a dream.
09:55Maybe it's a prophecy.
09:57You know, like in the Bible when King David saw seven fat cows and seven skinny ones.
10:01No, that just sounds like he's come out of the Nags Head Disco.
10:07Oh, seven fat cows.
10:10I mean, nothing's ever gone right for me, has it?
10:17Yeah.
10:19No, I know what you mean, Rodney.
10:20I'd love a bit of good luck, Bill.
10:25Not just for me, for all of us.
10:28Just wish something good would turn up.
10:32So would everyone, Rodney.
10:35That's why they're all out there doing the lottery, aren't they?
10:38I mean, look, if it were up to me, right, what I'd like to do, I'd like to be able to say, well, look, say this.
10:45Say that was life's lucky dick.
10:47What I would like to do, I'd love to just go.
10:50Ta-da!
10:50There it is, look.
10:52That is going to change our lives.
10:55It won't, will it, eh?
10:58Because life is not like that.
11:01No.
11:05Have you made any attempt to discuss this with Cassandra?
11:08Dale, you just leave that line.
11:10Look, I'm only trying to help, Rodney.
11:12You can't keep walking away from this.
11:14I am not walking away from it.
11:16Look, you get the lift, I'll take the stairs.
11:17Hang about.
11:19Look, it's here now.
11:20Don't bother.
11:20Come on, look, it's here.
11:21All right?
11:21I won't mention it again.
11:23All right?
11:29Look at the state of these lifts.
11:31Oh, what's going on in there, Brons?
11:33Well, they're just a bunch of half-heads, aren't they?
11:38No.
11:39Del Boy is a sex machine.
11:41Right?
11:42What's going on in there, Brons?
11:43Something like that.
11:46The nun?
11:52Rodney Trotter?
11:55The lying gates?
11:59What's happening?
12:00It's broken down.
12:10Oh, the lift, it's broken down.
12:11Oh, the Poxy Bleeding Council.
12:16Well, it's broken down.
12:17It ain't the matter with me.
12:19Well, press the alarm button.
12:20Hey, I'll do it.
12:21I'll press the alarm button.
12:22I'm pressing the alarm button.
12:24It's the alarm button.
12:25It's broken.
12:25That, listen, it's not working either now.
12:27That's broken.
12:28Hey, hey, come on, open up here.
12:30There's a couple of blokes here trapped in the lift.
12:31Hey, all right, all right.
12:33It's now you've got to get into a lava about it.
12:36Someone will press for the lift in a minute,
12:38realise it's not working, and call the engineers.
12:40We'll be out soon.
12:42Yeah, well, I just...
12:43I just don't like being closed in like this.
12:46I never knew you was claustrophobic.
12:48I'm not.
12:48I just don't like being closed in like this.
12:52Del, come on, look.
12:53Sit down on the floor and relax.
12:55They'll be here in a minute.
12:57Yeah, yeah.
12:58Yeah, all right, right.
12:58Sit down, Rodney.
12:59That's it.
13:00That's it.
13:00Take it nice and easy.
13:01Calm down.
13:02Just calm down, will you?
13:08Because the oxygen, right, that falls down to the bottom,
13:11and this way we get cleaner air.
13:12Yeah, good, good.
13:14Good.
13:14Your lifts are broken again.
13:31We had to carry that stuff up twelve flights of stairs.
13:34They all said him and Rodney'd be here to help.
13:37So where are they?
13:39I don't know.
13:41Listen, Raquel, it's not my fault.
13:44Del asked me to deliver that table
13:46and to store this stuff in me lock-up.
13:48Yes.
13:49And the table and chairs are only on hire.
13:52Yeah, they've got to go back by Monday.
13:53They're having a posh stew at the town hall.
13:55Well, they're not here yet, are they, eh?
14:05Hey!
14:05Hey!
14:06Well, give them time.
14:08Sit down, take it easy.
14:10Yeah, yeah, all right.
14:12Take it easy.
14:15Who's playing a game?
14:17Who play a game?
14:18Why?
14:18You've got a ball in your pocket or something?
14:21A different sort of game.
14:23I spy.
14:24I spy?
14:26Yeah.
14:27Well, you can go first.
14:29All right, then.
14:30I spy with my little I something beginning with W.
14:36Walls.
14:37Walls, that's right.
14:38That's the end of that game, then, isn't it?
14:41All right, you choose a game.
14:43All right, then.
14:44What about hide-and-seek?
14:47You're acting like a big kid
14:48just because you're trapped in a lift for a while.
14:51Yes.
14:51Yeah, well, you don't know how I feel.
14:56I feel...
14:57I feel sort of...
15:00Frightened.
15:01You don't know what that's like.
15:03I don't know what that's like.
15:04How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks
15:06since Cassie...
15:08Since what happened?
15:09I don't know.
15:12I don't know how you felt, Rodney.
15:14Well, I'll tell you.
15:15Frightened ain't the words.
15:19Do you know what I did the other night?
15:21No, but I bet it was depressing.
15:22I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
15:26You see, it was right.
15:28No, not quite.
15:30I actually noticed moments of hope within those pages.
15:35I mean, there weren't many.
15:37Just the occasional oasis of promise
15:40in a desert of pessimism.
15:43They were simple hopes,
15:44as you'd expect for someone of my age.
15:47I hope for...
15:49hairs.
15:53I hope to be well in my exams.
15:58I even hope for a good job when I leave school.
16:01Well, you got hairs, didn't you?
16:04Think how Wright said Fred must feel.
16:09I think Cass was so happy, though.
16:13We were looking forward
16:14and all we could see in front of us
16:16was this big, wide highway
16:18and we were just cruising down it
16:20and all of a sudden
16:22it came to a shuddering hog.
16:25Just like this poxy lift.
16:30Suddenly, happy families
16:31became Dungeons and Dragons.
16:35And I've never felt
16:37so I didn't paint like that
16:38in all my life.
16:39Is Cassandra hurting?
16:48Of course she is.
16:51How do you know?
16:53You haven't talked to her about it.
16:55No.
16:56And you know why?
16:57It's because...
16:58It's because, like...
17:00It's almost if...
17:01If I don't talk about it
17:03then it might not be true.
17:04But it is.
17:08I know.
17:08I know.
17:09But if I don't say it...
17:11If you don't say what?
17:16We lost our baby.
17:22But you did.
17:24And you have said it.
17:25Yeah.
17:28I said it.
17:36You just...
17:38You shield yourself from it, you know?
17:44I've just been lying, haven't I?
17:48Yes.
17:49And what about Cassandra?
17:51Not her.
17:57Cassandra can't tell a lie.
18:01Raquel can.
18:03The moment one leaves my lips.
18:12Hope those lips have broken down again.
18:18Is this the staff Del was talking about?
18:21Yes.
18:28Cassie seems so fragile.
18:32I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it
18:35but I was frightened I might sort of...
18:38break her.
18:40No.
18:42She's strong, Rodney.
18:45Look, it's just a dropped stitch
18:48in life's tapestry.
18:50That's what Mum used to say.
18:55What do I say to her, Del?
18:59Well, you tell her exactly what you told me.
19:02You can leave out the bit about the hairs, if you like.
19:08You go home right now and you have a heart-to-heart.
19:10While you're there, you ask her if she wants to come round for dinner tonight.
19:16I can't, mate.
19:18I've got a real problem with that.
19:19What is it?
19:21I'm stuck in a bloody leaf.
19:24Oh, yeah.
19:25Let's have another look at this thing, shall we?
19:27Right.
19:32The claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
19:34Yeah, whoa.
19:35I got over the worst of it.
19:38Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
19:41Well, these things, they come and go, don't they?
19:43Look at this.
19:43I wonder what this switch does here.
19:44Come on.
19:49You...
19:50You...
19:51You...
19:52You stopped it.
19:57It's the only way I could get you talking.
20:00Can't run away in a broken lift.
20:05You...
20:06You...
20:07Get.
20:11You...
20:12Get.
20:14Come here.
20:16Oi.
20:17Come on.
20:21Tell us.
20:22Tell us I'm bound to have forgotten something.
20:24Calm down.
20:25Everything's fine.
20:26You'll have a hot flush in a minute.
20:27I'm just so nervous.
20:28Something will go wrong.
20:31Del.
20:32Hmm?
20:32Please don't use any of your French phrases to my parents.
20:35Oh, that's pretty hot.
20:36Aren't they up on the old French lingo or what?
20:39No.
20:40The meat.
20:41All right.
20:42I'll get the wine out of the fridge.
20:43Well.
20:44Everything seems to be going according to the plan.
20:48Bang me out now.
20:49Don't do that.
20:50Dear, oh dear.
20:51Look, it's only plastic.
20:52You'll break it.
20:55Make the gravy and put it in the bottom of it.
20:57Thank you, Albert.
20:58Hey, Damien, you go and sit around there.
21:00All right?
21:00Go on.
21:00There's a good boy.
21:01Right.
21:01Now, remember, we've got to go, uh...
21:03Girl boy, girl boy, girl boy.
21:05And Uncle Albert.
21:07Um, darling, if you see you...
21:09Hey, what's that?
21:10Oh, God!
21:10It's him.
21:11Calm down the lot of your own arms to the door.
21:14Not a good you'd have been on the Russian convoys.
21:16Good evening.
21:23Please come in.
21:25You must be Raquel's parents.
21:27Yes.
21:27My wife, Audrey, and I'm James.
21:29Lovely to meet you.
21:31Please follow me.
21:35She did say he was older than her.
21:43Hi, Mum.
21:44Dad.
21:45Darling.
21:46Nanny, Grandad.
21:47Oh, watch out.
21:48Here comes trouble.
21:50Now, Mum, Dad, uh...
21:52This is Derek's brother, Rodney, and his wife, Cassandra,
21:54James and Audrey.
21:56Lovely to meet you.
21:57Lovely to meet you.
21:59And this is my...
22:01This is Derek.
22:04Au revoir.
22:08Oh, you have to.
22:10We thought...
22:10We thought you were busy working this evening.
22:14Oh, no, not this evening.
22:15No, no, not on a special occasion like this.
22:18As it is a special occasion, I bought this rather nice bottle of port.
22:21It's 15 years old.
22:23Ooh, thank you.
22:2415 years old.
22:25If I have to watch that, it might have acne.
22:29Well, OK, let's get started then.
22:34Shall we start off with a nice little, uh, aperitif, right?
22:38OK.
22:39Here we have it.
22:41I'm knocking them bandy, aren't I?
22:47Right.
22:48There's the gravy.
22:50Ah.
22:50Uh, Rodney, would you fill the wine glasses, please?
22:53Oh, yes, of course.
22:55More wine and all drink.
22:58James?
22:59Yeah, I don't think I should.
23:00I've got to drive back to the hotel tonight.
23:02Why don't you get a cab back and pick up the car in the morning?
23:05What do you think?
23:06It's your decision.
23:07Well, the hell.
23:08Pour away, Rodney.
23:09Yes, that's the spirit.
23:11You don't make sense.
23:12You always leave your car outside.
23:15He better put his car in our garage, eh?
23:18Is it not safe outside?
23:19Well, not if you've become attached to your wheels, it's not.
23:23So, here we go, look.
23:25No, excuse me.
23:28Right.
23:29I'm just going to get another bottle of wine.
23:32So, why don't you all, um, you know, chapelle a dent, right?
23:39So, Albert was in the Navy?
23:41Very much so.
23:43I was in the Royal Navy myself.
23:45Twelve years.
23:45First officer.
23:46You and Albert will have to have a chat.
23:48After?
23:49We've gone home.
23:52It's going really well out there.
23:55Had to come and open another bottle of wine.
23:58What are you doing?
23:59I made a coffee.
24:01What do you mean you made a coffee?
24:02It's too early.
24:04They haven't finished their mains yet.
24:06It don't usually take us that long to finish our dinner, does it?
24:09No, I know that.
24:11That is because we're not golloping down at Big Mac and Chips, are we?
24:15We've got guests.
24:17We're taking our time.
24:18We're savouring the food and the ambience.
24:21We're sipping the wine and we're conversing.
24:24I mean, out there, they're having a chat between each mouthful.
24:27It's sophisticated.
24:29It's civilised.
24:31Right?
24:32Okay, don't worry.
24:34I'll whack this in the microwave.
24:39Oi, just a minute.
24:41What coffee did you make this with?
24:42That jar over there?
24:46This ain't coffee.
24:47Smell it.
24:48It's bloody gravy.
24:51That's gravy.
24:52It's no matter for.
24:53It's them jars.
24:54Look at them.
24:55How am I supposed to tell the difference?
24:57I'll tell you how you tell the difference.
24:59This one has, on the label, Maxwell House Coffee.
25:03On this label, it says, Oxo Gravy Granules.
25:06Well, that's a bit of a giveaway, really, isn't it?
25:10Well, I was in an area and I got mixed up.
25:13I'll mix you up in a minute.
25:15Wait a minute.
25:16Wait a minute.
25:16If you've made gravy in the coffin, what are they pouring over their dinners in?
25:27This looks lovely, darling.
25:33All right.
25:34Wonderful.
25:37Rusty.
25:42They're only doing it.
25:43They're only out there doing it now.
25:47They're only pouring Maxwell bleed now.
25:50What are their loud noise, wax and beige?
25:55I don't believe you.
25:58Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you've ever sailed on,
26:03but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat.
26:09What are we going to do?
26:10Well, I ain't having any of it.
26:12You, hey, you.
26:16Not yet, darling.
26:17Wait for Daddy.
26:18So, how long were you in the Navy, Albert?
26:20Over 50 years, man and boy.
26:22Started in the merchant, went on to the royal, then back to the merchant.
26:27Amazing.
26:27You must have some stories to tell.
26:29Oh, God, yes.
26:33Sorry about that.
26:33I couldn't get the cork out of the wine.
26:37Del?
26:38Hmm?
26:38No.
26:40No, thank you.
26:41I'm trying to give it up.
26:43What's that for me, dear?
26:45Oh, yes, you'll have some.
26:47You know how you like your gravy, don't you?
26:55Fuck it.
27:00Are you a naval man, Derek?
27:04No.
27:05No, James.
27:06I'm more of a leg man myself.
27:13No, Dad meant, were you in the Navy?
27:16Oh, I see.
27:17No, I wasn't actually, James.
27:19Though, when I was younger, I did consider a career in the services.
27:26Oh.
27:27Oh.
27:28Oh.
27:30This is horrible.
27:31I hope you won't be offended, darling, but I'm rather full up.
27:49No, no, come on.
27:50We've got afters to come, yeah?
27:51We've got Mandarin segments and instant whip.
27:53All right.
27:57Well, I'll fetch the coffee.
28:02Great.
28:09Ah, ahoy there, Jimbo.
28:11Morning, Derek.
28:13Rodney.
28:14How are you this morning?
28:15Oh, fine.
28:16Had a bit of a jippy tummy last night.
28:18Well, thanks for looking after the car.
28:20Ah, mange tu, mange tu, mon plagello.
28:23Well, this is your lad in the cave, I've heard so much about.
28:26Yes, yes, this is it.
28:28As I was saying, Jim, you know, you and I are in the same sort of business.
28:31I mean, you're an antiques dealer, and I've got some interesting things.
28:35Yeah.
28:36Well, it might have.
28:37Long journey.
28:38You must come down and visit us sometime.
28:39Oh, yes, I will.
28:40You bet.
28:41Now, you mind how you go, eh?
28:43What's that?
28:45Um, it's a gas stove.
28:48No, I mean on top of it.
28:53Oh, that's just an old watch I got out of a house clearance years ago.
28:58I'll tell you what I have got.
28:59I've got some very nice shawaddy-waddy LPs.
29:07Good Lord.
29:09Oh, I know.
29:10It's filthy, isn't it, eh?
29:11Er, Rodney, have you got any of that WD-40 there?
29:13We give this thing a buck up.
29:14No, I mean, it has the name Harrison engraved in it.
29:17You can see there.
29:18Harrison, A.D. 1774.
29:22How did you come by this watch, Derek?
29:25Well, it was about 15, 16 years ago.
29:29It was this old girl down Deptford Way.
29:31She owned a pawn shop anyway.
29:33She died, right?
29:34She had no family, so they sold off the shop.
29:37And her landlord asked me to clear out her house.
29:40And I found that and a load of other rubbish up in the loft.
29:44Why, is it any good, then?
29:46Good?
29:47John Harrison was just about the finest watchmaker of his time.
29:51Of any time.
29:52If this is what I'm beginning to think it is...
29:57God, I'm shaking.
29:59Why, you didn't have that much to drink last night, did you?
30:01Have you got any proof that this watch is your property?
30:05A receipt, something like that?
30:07Oh, well, no.
30:08You see, don't keep receipts.
30:09They just clutter the place up.
30:11Well, do you reckon that's worth something, then?
30:15Assuming it's not a copy, yes.
30:18Hold on.
30:19What?
30:1916 years ago.
30:20That's when I started working for you.
30:22Yes, thank you, Rodney.
30:23Could we leave This Is Your Life to Michael Aspel?
30:27I meant I used to keep files, then.
30:30Hold on.
30:31Hold on.
30:33You see, Derek, I've always been very keen on horology.
30:39I thought it was too good to be true.
30:41Now he's going to tell our bloody fortune.
30:45Horology.
30:46He's an expert in watches.
30:49Oh, that sort of horology.
30:51I've got it.
30:52Eh?
30:52I've got it.
30:54Receipt from the landlord, look.
30:56For two paintings, four jugs, one rocking chair,
30:59one silver fob watch engraved Harrison.
31:02Ha!
31:03Good boy, Rodders.
31:05What have I always told you?
31:06I've always said, always keep the receipts.
31:09I'm in handy.
31:10What have you written down here?
31:11Victoria?
31:12Yes, thank you very much, Rodney.
31:13Here you are, Jimbo.
31:14This is marvellous.
31:14I've never been so excited.
31:17I bet Audrey had a blinding honeymoon, then.
31:22I'm almost too frightened to say it.
31:26To put it simply, back in the early 1700s, sea captains found it almost impossible to plot
31:32their positions once out of sight of land, until John Harrison invented the first accurate
31:37marine timekeeper to tell seafarers exactly where they were on the globe.
31:42He went on to make many of these instruments, and we know the whereabouts of all of them, except the last one, the lesser watch, as he called it.
31:51We have his designs for the piece, but the watch itself was never found.
31:54People have been searching for it for over 300 years.
31:57We don't think that's it, do you?
32:00If it is, Rodney.
32:02God.
32:05Don't we?
32:07So, the Nacer, you know, right?
32:08Raquel's old man's been on the phone to us.
32:11Yeah.
32:11And he's shown it to some experts.
32:13And it's only kosher.
32:15What, this is the watch that's been missing for over 300 years?
32:18Yes, the Harrison Lesser Watch.
32:21So, what is it?
32:27It's a watch.
32:29Yeah, but it's more than that.
32:31It lets you know exactly where you are anywhere in the world.
32:35How'd it get lost, then?
32:41I know how it got lost.
32:43So, I just did.
32:44Yeah, if I hadn't realised its full value and rescued it, I mean, it could have ended up anywhere.
32:50Yeah, like chucked on top of an old gas cooker.
32:54And it's gonna be auction.
32:56That's right, it's afternoon.
32:582.30, it's other bit.
32:59Ooh.
33:02Ooh.
33:10So, how much do you reckon it's worth, then?
33:12Well, see, I don't know.
33:13Because nothing like this has ever come on the market before.
33:15It could be, what, 10 grand?
33:17Yeah, 15.
33:1820, maybe.
33:19Well, on your way back from the auction, drop by my showrooms.
33:22I've got a lovely couple of Skodas at 5 grand.
33:27You won't be laughing like that when we come back to start a noon.
33:30So, you two could be famous, then?
33:32Well, among watchmakers.
33:33Well, why not?
33:36You know, we discovered it.
33:37And as Andy Warhol said, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
33:41Well, how can everyone be famous for 15 minutes?
33:43There's not enough time in the world, is there?
33:44Well, no, no, he didn't mean everyone would be famous.
33:50You know, he was just generalising upon modern society.
33:53You know, people become famous for a little while, then they disappear.
33:56Like, Renny and Renata, Simon Dee.
34:01Or Gandhi.
34:02Yeah!
34:05So, see, maybe this time, it's odd.
34:09Gender.
34:10Yeah.
34:11I mean, he made one great film, and then he never saw him again.
34:21No, let's go.
34:22Let's go.
34:3522,000.
34:3824,000.
34:4138,000.
34:4432,000.
34:4835,000.
34:5135,000.
34:5438,000.
34:57One more bid.
35:0040,000.
35:03The bid is 40,000 pounds.
35:05Sit down, sir, Rodney.
35:06Don't be stupid.
35:0845,000.
35:1045,000.
35:14I'm selling at 45,000.
35:16Sold at 45,000.
35:19Paddle number 674.
35:21Now we come to lot 73.
35:24A solid silver pocket marine timekeeper.
35:32This was found in London by two brothers.
35:35Unfortunately, they held on to the piece for 16 years, believing it to be a Victorian egg-timer.
35:44And I know this is quite simply the most significant discovery in horological terms of this century.
35:51The watch has been authenticated and accepted by all the leading experts as being the last watch ever made by John Harrison.
35:58It is the fabled H6.
36:00The, until now, mythical lesser watch.
36:05I feel I need say no more.
36:08I'd like to start the bidding at 150,000 pounds.
36:11200,000.
36:23250,000.
36:26Oh, dear.
36:28He's really said 150,000, God.
36:31That's when I come over real badly.
36:32Who went on, dear?
36:35200,000.
36:36250,000.
36:37Free?
36:38Huh?
36:38That's when I dragged you out.
36:40You mean it ended up at 300,000 pounds?
36:43It's still going on.
36:45Oh, come on.
36:46Let's get back up here.
36:49Three and a quarter.
36:53The bid is in the room.
36:56Three and a half.
36:59350,000 quid!
37:02Three and three quarters.
37:06Four, thank you.
37:09The bid stands at four million pounds.
37:19Four and a half million pounds.
37:24Four and a half million pounds.
37:24Five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five
37:54at Greenwich, so at least it stays in the country.
37:57Oh, yeah, well, that's nice, isn't it?
38:02Oh, you wally.
38:05What's the final score?
38:07What exactly did it go for?
38:11Oh, erm...
38:186.2 million.
38:21So that's just over 3 million each.
38:29Well, we've had worse days.
38:36You want to go first, or should I?
38:41Well, you know, why don't we go together?
38:44Yeah, yeah, all right.
38:461, 2, 3...
38:49Yes!
39:09Bring the family down.
39:11Yeah, well, now have your photograph taken next to it.
39:17It's beautiful, though, isn't it, Rodders, eh?
39:19Luxury and style.
39:22Very me, don't you think?
39:24Yeah.
39:26Buy it.
39:27Yeah, shall I?
39:29And you like it.
39:30Buy it.
39:31No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
39:34Not until that cheque is cleared.
39:36I've got a terrible feeling that this whole deal is going to go pear-shaped.
39:41We are dealing with Sotheby's and the Greenwich Museum, not Ronnie and Reggie.
39:48But, I mean, if this goes tits up, I'm landed with a £70,000 debt, aren't I?
39:53Yeah, I take your point.
39:54Yeah.
39:55Well, go on in.
39:56You sit in a nice car.
39:57See if it suits you.
40:00Yeah, all right, then.
40:01I will.
40:04Yes, my son.
40:06Oh, yes.
40:07Yes.
40:12That Rolls-Royce out there.
40:14I want to buy it.
40:16Oh, that's a good one, Rodney.
40:19Tell me, what drugs are you on this week?
40:22I want to buy it.
40:44There you go.
40:46Shoes.
40:49You want?
40:50The Roller.
40:51Shoes.
40:53I just bought it for you.
40:58You bought this roller for me?
41:02Why?
41:04A little present.
41:06Just to say...
41:08thanks.
41:22Thank you very much.
41:52Thank you very much.
42:22Thank you very much.
42:52Yes, sir. What can I get you?
43:02Champagne all round.
43:11Well done.
43:12Aren't you going to lift our wallets at home again?
43:14Oh, please, sir.
43:16That is not a problem.
43:18On the slate, Mike.
43:20On the house, Bill.
43:24No, no, no, no, Michael.
43:26We'll pay our way.
43:27And while we're at it,
43:28we'll have all your sandwiches.
43:29That's it.
43:30Right.
43:32Okay.
43:33No, no, Rodney.
43:35I'll get the sandwiches
43:36because you bought the rolls.
43:47There he is.
43:50Yeah.
43:51I'll light the fire.
43:52You place the flowers in the fire.
43:53Today,
43:56Staring at the fire
43:57You place the flowers in the fire today, staring at the fire for hours and hours while I listen to you
44:19Play your love songs all night long for me, only for me
44:36Come to me now and rest your head for chance
44:43Everything is done, such a cozy room
44:53The windows are illuminated, I believe in you
45:00The sun shines for you
45:10Our house is a very, very, very fine house
45:24With two dogs in the dark, life used to be so hard
45:31Now everything is easy because of you
45:54The sun shines for you
46:06Our house is a very, very, very fine house
46:12With two dogs in the dark, life used to be so hard
46:19Not everything is easy because of you
46:32I'll light the fire
46:36You place the flowers in the vase that you bought today
46:48You place the flowers in the
46:55Like some rain
46:56Day
46:58Day
46:59Day
47:01Day
47:02Day
47:02Day
47:05Day
47:09Day
47:13Day
47:14Day
47:16Oh, boy, it's time to get up to 7.30.
47:42Yeah, all right, Mum.
47:43Mum, it's your fault you've got to hang over.
47:47You can't have today off.
47:49You're taking your 11+.
47:50I never raised the hand to your mother, Rodney,
48:00except in self-defence.
48:01Your dad always said that one day Del Boyd reached the top.
48:15There again he used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup.
48:18LAUGHTER
48:19All right?
48:42What are you doing here?
48:48Raquel phoned.
48:49Said you'd gone missing.
48:51I said wait for the ransom note to arrive,
48:54but she said go and find him, so...
48:56LAUGHTER
48:57I guess you'd be here.
49:00Yeah, just taking one last look at the old place, Rodney.
49:05Hmm.
49:06Funny, isn't it?
49:06I just think of all them years, you know?
49:09Us scrimping and scraping,
49:12going out in all hours,
49:14just trying to earn a few bobs
49:16so we could put a bit of grub on the table.
49:19And all the time down in that garage,
49:21we had this famous thing
49:23worth six million quid.
49:26Yeah, that had crossed my mind, I know.
49:32Still.
49:36Put a flat on the market yet?
49:37Hmm?
49:38No, not yet, no.
49:41No, I just didn't have the heart to...
49:44You know, when you think about
49:46Mum and Grandad.
49:50Yeah, I'll do it in a couple of weeks, you know.
49:53I'll give it to some estate agent.
49:55You know, I'll
49:57let them have the carpet.
50:03Yeah, they won't mind.
50:07Yeah, talking about that,
50:08I called in to the travel agents
50:10the other day.
50:11Booked us all a holiday in Barbados.
50:14It's all right, no, Mum.
50:15My tree.
50:17Nice.
50:18Flying first class.
50:21Concorde.
50:22Ah, even better.
50:25Shame about Albert's boat, wasn't it?
50:31Oh.
50:36What a stupid place to put a bridge, wasn't it?
50:40I thought that.
50:41Right over a river like that.
50:47So, how are you?
50:47Rodney?
50:49Well, just...
50:51No, you know, wonderful, aren't I, you know?
50:54Everything's coming like roses, aren't it?
50:57All right, what's wrong?
51:04I always wanted to be a millionaire, Rodney.
51:07You know?
51:09I always wanted a Rolls-Royce
51:10and big ass in the country
51:13and jet off to the Caribbean
51:15and all that.
51:16We've got it.
51:19I know.
51:21But it's not like I thought it would be.
51:25You know?
51:25All the dreaming
51:29and the scheming
51:30and the chasing
51:32and the trying.
51:34That was the fun part, you know?
51:37It was like...
51:38It was dangerous.
51:40It was...
51:40It was impossible.
51:43It was like...
51:45Columbo sailing away
51:47to find America.
51:53You know?
51:54And just not knowing
51:55whether he was going to
51:56fall off the edge of the world.
52:00That's how I used to feel.
52:03You fell off a couple of times, didn't you?
52:08Once a month, bruv.
52:09Once a month, regular.
52:12Now I've...
52:14You know, now I've done it,
52:15now I've achieved
52:16what I wanted.
52:19The chase.
52:21You know, it's finished.
52:24The hunt is over.
52:28What am I going to do now?
52:31Learn to play golf.
52:34Well, you've got the trousers for it, at least.
52:38Now, why don't you just
52:40enjoy your retirement?
52:42Because I don't want to enjoy my retirement.
52:46I want to feel like I used to feel, you know?
52:50All eager and alive.
52:54You know, I want...
52:55I want something exciting to happen.
52:58Oh, dear, oh, dear.
53:02What are you doing?
53:03I thought you was a ghost, then.
53:05He never did get the hang of this haunting lark, did he?
53:07What are you two doing here?
53:10Well, never mind what us two are doing here.
53:12What are you doing here?
53:13Well, I've just come back to pick up a few of my belongings.
53:17I thought I'd have one last look at the flat
53:19before you sell it.
53:21Yeah, well, we've had a good look, eh?
53:27Come on, let's lock up and go.
53:28I don't know.
53:41Must have forgot to tell British Telecom, eh, that we'd gone.
53:46Yeah, hello.
53:48Who?
53:49Oh, hello, Lenny.
53:51How are you doing, pal?
53:52All right?
53:54Lenny Norris.
53:55You do what?
53:59Really?
54:01Hang on.
54:03Listen, he's got 250 electronic carpet steamers, right?
54:08Now, listen, they retail at 115 quid.
54:11He's going to let us have them for 25, Nicker.
54:15What the hell?
54:16We're not in the business any more.
54:19I know.
54:21Rodney, we can double our money on this.
54:25Derek, can you hear me over those trousers?
54:33We're not in the business any more, mate.
54:41Hello.
54:42Lenny.
54:44No, we're not interested.
54:46Trotter's independent traders have ceased trading.
54:55Bonjour.
54:55Oh, well.
55:04Tell you what.
55:06Fancy going down to the Golden Dragon for a Chinese?
55:09Yeah.
55:10I'm feeling a bit peckish now you mention it.
55:12Yeah, I could do a sweet and sour something.
55:16Yeah, all right.
55:18I'll tell you what, Rodgers.
55:19Let's leave the cars here, shall we?
55:21And, you know, just, just take a towel.
55:25Yeah, all right.
55:29Mons du.
55:32Mons du?
55:34What a fool I'd be.
55:37What's wrong now?
55:38Well, here I am thinking now we've got all this money, you know, that spells like the end of it.
55:43It don't, does it?
55:46It's like the beginning.
55:48Because for the first time in our lives, we have got money to invest.
55:53No.
55:54Don't do that investment.
55:56Oh, come on, Rodgers.
55:57You remember all those years you used to say to me, tell boy, we should be investing.
56:01No, no, I never said that.
56:03Well, it must be me, then.
56:04I remember it was one of us got it right.
56:06But now we can invest big time in the futures market.
56:10Hey, we can get into Hong Kong, Singapore, Peking.
56:13I don't want to invest.
56:15All right?
56:16Rodgers, have I ever let you down?
56:19Yes.
56:20Well, a couple of years ago, when you told me I'd won a holiday in a painting competition,
56:26but forgot to mention that for the entire week I would have to pretend to be 14.
56:29It's always been your problem, Rodney.
56:34Always dwelling on the past.
56:37Mum said to me on her deathbed.
56:38Oi, now don't you start on about mum on her deathbed.
56:41She said to me on her deathbed, she said to me, tell boy, if ever you and little Rodney become rich,
56:46you must invest in the futures market.
56:48Are you a liar?
56:50Because there wasn't a futures market when mum was alive.
56:53Ah, no, but then there you go, see, that shows you how visionary she was.
56:57Come on, Rodney, this is a big charm.
57:00Eh?
57:01He who dares wins.
57:03This time next year, we could be billionaires.
57:13We've got some odd bright, bright tie, some mild and mild and mildly tired.
57:17TV, TV's, and baby's going in a few.
57:20TV, TV, TV's, and baby's going in a few.
57:20TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV.
57:22TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV.
57:23TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV.
57:27TV, TV, TV, TV, TV, TV.
57:29No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.
57:35Black or white, rich or broke, we'll cut prices and a straw.
57:44God bless Hookie Street, Viva Hookie Street, Long live Hookie Street.
57:52Same Magnifique Hookie Street, Magnifique Hookie Street.
57:59Hookie Street, Hookie Street, Hookie Street, Hookie Street.