- 8 hours ago
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only Fools and Horses work?
00:34La la la la, La la la la la, La la la la la la
00:38La la la la la la, La la la la la MY
00:56Oh, my God, it's curry.
01:00Oh, so you finally decided to get up, did you?
01:03You still a vegetarian?
01:05Yes.
01:07Pity they didn't make booze out of animals, then maybe you wouldn't get hangover.
01:12Where is everyone?
01:14Well, Raquel's still in bed, and Del went to work about six o'clock this morning.
01:18But it's Sunday. Don't you ever have a day off?
01:21He's a yuppie, isn't he?
01:22As he said, the business world never sleeps.
01:27New York Stock Exchange closes, Tokyo opens.
01:30Del's got to keep his finger on the pulse.
01:32Oh, terrific.
01:33So where's he gone?
01:35Pellicott Lane.
01:39He's got to pick some gear up for a mate.
01:42You any at there?
01:44You were very depressed when you come in last night.
01:47Yeah, well, that might have something to do with the fact that my marriage is in tatters
01:50and I lost the best job I ever ate.
01:51Well, you're working for Del Boy now, aren't you?
01:54Exactly. Wouldn't you be depressed?
01:56If I'd stayed with Cassandra's dad, I could have been running that firm in a couple of years.
02:00Yeah.
02:01But one day Del's going to retire, and Trotter's independent traders will be all yours.
02:06I know.
02:08Bloody hell.
02:09I wish there was something, anything on the horizon that could raise my spirits.
02:15Well, Del and Raquel's baby's going to be born soon.
02:18Oh, God, I'd forgotten about that.
02:20Well, that's a reason of a celebration, isn't it?
02:23Well, for you, Del and Raquel, maybe, yeah.
02:26But what about me?
02:27What chance am I going to have?
02:29Do you realise, by the time I'm 45, son of Del will be 16?
02:33And that'll be it, won't it?
02:34I can hear him now.
02:36I've got a good idea, Uncle Rodney.
02:37I'll go and buy a load of old crap, and you can go out and sell it for me.
02:43Because, you see, that way, Uncle Rodney, I'll have lots of money and a wide-awake suit,
02:47and you won't have a pot to piss in.
02:52And the really frightening thing is, I'm going to fall for it.
02:55Well, that's stupid.
02:57It might not be a boy.
02:58Oh, no.
02:59No, it is a boy.
03:02Rosemary's baby was on telly the other night.
03:03That's Del and Raquel to a T.
03:06I'll tell you, in a couple of weeks' time,
03:08we will be awoken by the cries of our own bonnie-bouncing Antichrist.
03:14They're bound to call it Damien, you know.
03:17They were thinking of calling it Rodney.
03:20Rodney?
03:22Poor little sod.
03:25Morning.
03:26Morning.
03:26Oh, hello, love.
03:27Del's not back yet.
03:29Do you fancy a cup of tea?
03:30Oh, please, Albert.
03:31Right.
03:32Oh, sorry.
03:33I feel exhausted.
03:35He was moving around all night long.
03:38Yeah, he's always the same after a curry.
03:42The baby.
03:43Sorry.
03:46Hey!
03:46Ta-da!
03:47Ha-ha!
03:47Oh, I see.
03:49The old creature from the Black Lagoon has risen from its pit, I see.
03:53Adele, that's no way to talk to the mother of your child.
03:56Watch it, Rodney.
03:57All right, sweetheart?
03:58Yeah, I'm OK.
03:59Right, Nadie, guess what I've got here.
04:01No, go on.
04:01Ta-da!
04:02Ha-ha!
04:02Dee!
04:03Ha-ha!
04:04Wigs!
04:04Ha-ha-ha-ha!
04:05Ha-ha-ha-ha!
04:07You know that, uh, Mustafa from the Bangladeshi butchers down the road?
04:12Right, well, his nephew works in a top London West End wig makers.
04:17Now, according to Wim, they do all the top stars.
04:20They do, you know, Jane Fonda, Sophia Loren, Anita Dobson.
04:24Oh, yeah, the lot.
04:27And he gets these at 25% of the retail price.
04:3125% of the retail price?
04:33That's right, it's a concession to employees.
04:35And I've sold them all.
04:37All the old tarts down in Nags Head have been waiting weeks for these to come in.
04:41I've been inundated with advanced orders.
04:44So you're back, Del.
04:45Can you see a bit of breakfast?
04:47Yes.
04:47Uh, make me a non-vegetarian bacon sandwich, will you, Al?
04:53What are you doing today then, Rodney?
04:55Eh?
04:55Greenpeace rally?
04:56Releasing a few nut cutlets, or what?
05:01Del, just because I've become concerned about the welfare of our planet,
05:04there's no need to take the rise out of me.
05:06Ever since you've become a vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.
05:10There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian, Del.
05:12No, that's right.
05:13One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat.
05:17Mickey Pierce is a vegetarian.
05:19It's only because he got the sack from the world of leather.
05:24No, a bloke needs a bit of stodge and fat to solid things up.
05:29Any doctor will tell you that, all these carrots and cabbage cobblers.
05:33No wonder you're so depressed.
05:35You've got to pick yourself up and look around all the things you've got in life.
05:38You know me, one thing that I...
05:40Not you.
05:41Me.
05:41Rodney Trotter has got to look forward to.
05:44You're taking Cassandra to Hampton Court this afternoon?
05:47Oh, cosmic.
05:49A castle and a maze.
05:51Yeah.
05:51I just love looking at old suits of armour then getting lost, don't I?
05:55Oh, shut up, you miserable little tart.
05:58I am depressed because of the state of my life at the moment.
06:00I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck, I'll come back as me.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09Good luck.
06:14Good luck.
06:16Hey, Trigger.
06:18See if you can find out what the name in the baby, will you?
06:21Why?
06:22Why?
06:22Because I'm not allowed to go in for my own competition, that's why.
06:25But I'll let you enter and then we'll go halves on the winnings.
06:29Leave it to me, Mike.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31All right, Dave?
06:37LAUGHTER
06:37All right, Trig.
06:41Have they thought of a name for the baby yet?
06:43Yeah, well, if it's a girl, the girl wants to call it Sigourney after the actress Sigourney Weaver.
06:49And what if it's a boy?
06:51Well, if it's a boy, he wants to call it Rodney.
06:54Yeah?
06:55Who after?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57After me, Trig.
07:05Oh.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:07All right, girl.
07:12All right, girl.
07:13All right, Trig.
07:14All right, girls?
07:18Here.
07:18Got them wigs you ordered.
07:20Albert's bringing them in from the van.
07:22So?
07:23What?
07:24Well, what name have they decided on?
07:28If it's a girl, they're calling her Sigourney after an actress.
07:32And if it's a boy, they're naming him Rodney.
07:35After Dave.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38Brilliant, Trig.
07:41What if...
07:42Albert...
07:42Here, no, come here.
07:44Just put that box down here next to Rodney for a minute, will you?
07:46All right?
07:47So how'd your day out with Cassandra go?
07:49Don't ask, all right?
07:50Just do nothing ask.
07:52All right, what happened?
07:54All right, I'll tell you.
07:56Cassandra told me it is all over between us.
07:59Oh.
08:00Me and Cassandra are no longer an item.
08:02Me and Cassandra are no more.
08:04Me and Cassandra are finito.
08:07I just don't understand her anymore.
08:10Oh, I know the feeling, son.
08:12Yeah, when you and Cassandra first met,
08:15what was the big attraction?
08:17I don't know.
08:18Lust, I suppose.
08:21She struck me as that sort.
08:22I was talking about me.
08:28I know you were.
08:29I was just trying to have a little joke with you.
08:31Yeah, well, I ain't a joke in the night.
08:33All right, Rodney.
08:34How'd you get on that Hampton Court?
08:36I want to talk about her.
08:37Well, what happened?
08:38Cassandra gave me the elbow in the maze.
08:40Oh, that sounds painful.
08:42Gave you the elbow in the maze.
08:44Oh, come on, cheer up, Rodney.
08:46There's plenty more fish in the sea, isn't there?
08:48It's not as simple as that, Dill.
08:50The girl left the mark on me.
08:51Yeah, so did your smallpox jab.
08:54This is none of my business, Rodney,
08:56and you can tell me to keep me nose out, if you like.
08:58Keep your nose out, mate.
08:59I was married once, mate.
09:01I know what it's like.
09:02I know what you're going through, mate.
09:03Now, you listen to the man, Rodney.
09:05His wife chucked him in years ago.
09:07Yeah, you don't want to take too much notice
09:09of things that are said in the heat of an argument.
09:11She said I refused to adapt to married life.
09:14Said I always wanted to carry on doing the same things I'd always done.
09:17What do you say to that?
09:19Well, I said I don't want to discuss it, Cassandra.
09:20I'm going down her neck's head.
09:23I remember me and my missus.
09:25I had 18 blissfully at the years.
09:28And then I met her.
09:29Yeah.
09:33Do you find your way out of the maze, all right, Dave?
09:40No, I'm still in there, Trey.
09:44I couldn't find my way out of there once.
09:46You couldn't find your way in there once.
09:49I was with this bird.
09:51We had a right row.
09:52She wanted to go to the left,
09:54and I wanted to go to the right.
09:56You know what I tell a lot.
09:58She wanted to go to the right,
10:00and I wanted to go to the...
10:01Trigger!
10:03Me and Cassandra are intelligent people, right?
10:05We do not have rows about which is the quickest way out of a maze.
10:10God, I'll ever feel so depressing on me life.
10:12It's all right.
10:13All right, now, come on, Rodney.
10:14Don't be like that.
10:16No, I just want to be left on me.
10:17No, no, Rodney, sit down, sit down.
10:18That's the worst thing you can...
10:20At moments like this, you need people around you.
10:24I just say stupid things about lust and mazes.
10:27Never give up on people, Rodney.
10:31I know sometimes I don't seem to understand,
10:33but when you're in trouble and you cry out for help,
10:36that's when it's important.
10:37I mean, you take, well, Trigger's cousin Cyril.
10:40Now, he had, what?
10:41Well, he owed 500 quid or something on his mortgage, didn't he, Trigg?
10:43Yeah.
10:44He was going to be thrown out on the street the following day.
10:47He was very worried about it.
10:49What happened then, Trigg?
10:50He drove out the beachy head.
10:52He parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
10:55No.
10:55What?
10:56What, he was going to drive off it?
10:57Yeah.
10:58He just sat there for two hours,
11:00his head resting on the steering wheel.
11:03People tried to talk him out of it,
11:05but he was too depressed to listen.
11:07And this is the thing, Rodney,
11:08this is what I mean about people.
11:10You see, because those people there,
11:11they had a whip round and they got him his 500 quid.
11:17Who wrote the whip round?
11:19All the passengers on his bus.
11:28You see, Rodney,
11:28there's always something to look forward to.
11:31You've just got to be patient, bruv, that's all.
11:33In the meantime, see if you can flog some of them syrups.
11:35Mike, do us a chip sandwich, will you?
11:38Yeah.
11:38Do you want sauce on it, Del?
11:39Yes, please.
11:40Brown or red?
11:41Yeah, both.
11:41Um, Del?
11:45Yeah?
11:45These wigs?
11:48Did your contact say anything about the Gene Shrimpton style
11:51or the urchin look?
11:52No.
11:53He just said there was wigs at the result.
11:54Why?
12:00You were right, Del.
12:01He's cheered up already.
12:02What are you laughing at?
12:09What are you laughing at?
12:11I don't know.
12:12I don't know.
12:20Oh, hurry up, Mustafa.
12:23You'll still be out of Selim, Del.
12:25How?
12:25Oh, I don't know.
12:27He who dares wins.
12:34Don't give you all that old pony.
12:36Oh, hello.
12:36Is that the mosque?
12:37I don't believe it.
12:40He's phoned a mosque.
12:42Yeah, I want to speak to Mustafa about them syrups he flogged me.
12:46Oh, is he?
12:48Well, you better tell him when he's finished praying, he'd better go in for another one.
12:51Because when I get hold of him, he's going to need all the help he can get.
12:56Dear, I was going to flog him all those hooky cat Stephen helpies.
13:02You can forget all that, I'll tell you.
13:04How's all the shouting?
13:06Del's had a bit of trouble with them wigs he bought.
13:09What sort of trouble?
13:10Oh, they're blokes' wigs.
13:13Blokes?
13:15Yes, they're men's syrups.
13:18This is not funny, Rodney.
13:20All right, Del, all right.
13:21Keep your hair on.
13:25Well, don't you start, sweetheart.
13:28Now you're going to get rid of these things, look.
13:31A lot of bald blokes come out of that building in Arnold Road.
13:34That's the Harry Krishna temple.
13:39Here, look at all this stuff.
13:41Look here, look.
13:41We've even got men's ponytails here, look.
13:45All right, I'll tell you what, Rodney.
13:47I will handle the telephone sales campaign
13:50and you will go round the pubs and see if you can flog a few there.
13:54In the pub?
13:55How am I supposed to go up to a bald bloke in a pub and say,
13:58do you want to buy a wig?
13:59I'll get me phone smashed in.
14:02Well, either improve your sales technique or learn to duck.
14:07Hello, Gordon.
14:08Hello.
14:09It's Del Boy.
14:11How's it going, pal?
14:13Custy.
14:14Yeah, listen, Gordon, are you still bald?
14:19The oil has now sprayed over nearly 10,000 square miles of water
14:23and polluted over 700 miles of shoreline.
14:26The estimated hundreds of thousands of bird casualties
14:29include bald eagles like this one.
14:31It's disgusting, isn't it?
14:32Yeah, they shouldn't put things on about dead animals
14:35when you're about to have your supper.
14:38Oi.
14:39I wasn't talking about the timing of the bloody programme.
14:42I was talking about the damage that we have done to our planet.
14:45I mean, what are we going to leave for the future generations, eh?
14:48For all the little kiddies in the infant schools.
14:51For the unborn millions.
14:52What, like Del and Raquel's nipper?
14:54No, I wasn't actually thinking of him.
14:57I mean, kids with three sixes on their heads don't get out, do they?
15:01Oh, all right, Del.
15:03There's a fresh pot of tea on the table.
15:05Oh, right, cheers, huh?
15:07I'll get myself a cup.
15:08Here, I've just been down to Raquel's antenatal classes.
15:11Yeah?
15:11Yeah, oh, dear.
15:12Full of pregnant women, it was.
15:16Everywhere you turned, there was lumps and things.
15:19Why'd you have to go down there?
15:21Well, it's to get us ready for when we go into labour.
15:24Showed us films on how it all happens.
15:28You've already got some of them in there.
15:37Not those sort of films.
15:40It's films about the birth and that.
15:44It's a miracle it is.
15:45It is.
15:46It's a 42-carat miracle.
15:50Made some of the blokes feel quite ill.
15:53I was all right, cos I used to run a jelly deal store.
15:55So, what have you got to do?
16:02You know, when it happens.
16:05Well, basically, I've got to keep on me toes, right?
16:07Make sure the old caprey gear is running smoothly so I can whip Raquel down to the maternity unit a bit lively.
16:12But the most important thing a father can do for the woman is to show consideration and understanding, patience and love.
16:25Well, as luck would have it, I happen to be like that anyway.
16:32It doesn't do any harm to be reminded.
16:35So, where is Raquel?
16:37Well, the lifts are broken again.
16:38She's not as lively on her feet as she used to be.
16:40So, how many of those wigs you sold this week, wasn't he?
16:49What, roughly?
16:50Hmm.
16:50None.
16:51God, dear.
16:52Well, I sold two today.
16:55You're kidding.
16:55I met this woman down the market.
16:57Her and her husband, like, they work up in the hospital.
17:00And apparently, he's been wearing a syrup for years.
17:02But last week, the cat got hold of it.
17:04So, anyway, she bought one as a surprise for him.
17:10And then I went off to the nags head and sold one to Trigger.
17:18He's got hair.
17:19Yeah, I know that, but he said he wanted one for an emergency.
17:24Oh, there you are, sweetheart.
17:26Ah, there you are.
17:27Come on, sit yourself down.
17:29No, I'll get a change out of these first.
17:31You sure?
17:31All right.
17:31Let's go, get a cup of tea.
17:32All right.
17:33There you go.
17:35So, how'd the antenatal class go?
17:38It's the last time I take him along.
17:40At the end of the class, the doctor asked if there were any questions.
17:44Dale put his hand up and said,
17:45what time do the pubs close round here?
17:48Well, that's typical, Dale, isn't it?
17:50I mean, the world is dying and he's worried about last orders.
17:54What's up, Rodney?
17:55He's been watching a green programme.
17:57They were cutting a few trees down in South America.
18:00Oh, so Stingy has got the hump, has he?
18:02Dale, when are people going to realise?
18:04That we do not own this planet.
18:06We are merely the leaseholders.
18:08It is our duty to maintain our world.
18:11But what are we doing, eh?
18:13We are suffocating the forest with carbon monoxide.
18:16And that is causing the polar ice cap to melt.
18:19Which means that the oceans will rise and the Thames will flood.
18:22Like, permanently.
18:23But we've still got the Thames barrier.
18:26That's not going to do a lot of good under 15 foot of water, is it?
18:29I mean, places like Deptford and Greenwich will be submerged forever.
18:33That would be handy for us, though, wouldn't it?
18:36What do you mean?
18:37Well, because when we come to sell this flat,
18:39we can advertise it as having sea views.
18:41What a ridiculous thing to say.
18:46All right, Rodney, come on.
18:48What is it?
18:49What, what's really bothering you?
18:52I've got so many things worrying me.
18:55You know, I mean,
18:56the polar cap is melting,
18:58the continental shells are shifting,
19:00the rainforest is dying,
19:02the sea is being poisoned.
19:03And I ain't had a bit for months.
19:09Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:12Now, that is what it's really about, ain't it, eh?
19:16You ought to think about that poor old git there.
19:23Last time he had his leg over,
19:25Nelson Mandela was in Borstal.
19:31Derek, please,
19:32for once in your life,
19:33could you try and take something seriously?
19:38What's wrong?
19:39Rodney ain't had a bit for much.
19:45Oh.
19:51Blimey, the things you learn.
19:54Do you realise,
19:54if all my veins and arteries
19:56were stretched out in a line,
19:58they'd circle the world twice?
19:59I'd like to try that one day.
20:07Where's Raquel?
20:09She's, er,
20:10had a bit of a twinge,
20:10so she's lying down.
20:14Right.
20:14Mmm.
20:16Better than that, Rodney.
20:17I reckon we'll have a right result
20:18with these syrups.
20:20Guess who I bumped into today?
20:22Telly Savalas.
20:23No.
20:26I bumped into that
20:27Mush Stephen.
20:29You know,
20:29the one that used to be
20:30Cassandra's boss at the bank.
20:31The one that you smacked in the nose.
20:33Oh, him.
20:34Yeah, him.
20:34Anyway,
20:36I bumped into him down the market today.
20:37You never guess what,
20:38he's got one of them ponytails
20:40in his hair.
20:41Yeah.
20:41And I said to him,
20:42I said,
20:43I said,
20:43Oi,
20:43helmet.
20:44I said,
20:45What are you doing
20:46with that Davy Crockett hat on?
20:48I did that night,
20:49just to break the ice.
20:50And apparently,
20:51all the fashion up in the city.
20:53Yeah,
20:53all the yuppies are wearing them.
20:55Ah,
20:55look,
20:55shibby on men.
20:57Today,
20:57the sophisticated,
20:58intelligent young men
20:59don't mind making prats
21:00of themselves.
21:01Because it attracts
21:02the sophisticated,
21:03intelligent young ladies.
21:05Well,
21:05I can't see what the attraction is.
21:07No,
21:07that's because you're a geezer,
21:09innit?
21:09But if you were a career woman,
21:10you'd get the hots for those things.
21:12Yeah.
21:13And they don't need batteries.
21:17Now we're going to make a fortune
21:18on them rodders.
21:20Oh,
21:20darling,
21:20you all right?
21:21Yeah,
21:21yeah,
21:21I'm okay now.
21:23What do you think of Aaron?
21:24Sorry?
21:25I've been reading the baby's name book.
21:28Aaron Trotter.
21:29Nah,
21:29kids at school
21:30are nicknamed him G-String.
21:32Aaron a G-String.
21:33Get it?
21:35Yes,
21:36unfortunately.
21:37Have you gone off the name of Rodney?
21:39Yeah.
21:40Thank God.
21:42Troy.
21:45Troy Trotter?
21:47I don't think so.
21:49Why don't you just call him Damien,
21:51eh?
21:53Damien?
21:55Isn't that nice?
21:57Oh,
21:58no,
21:58it's just joking,
21:59it's all.
22:02Damien Trotter.
22:03That's got a sort of ring to it there.
22:04No,
22:05I was just having a wind-up,
22:06that's all.
22:07Um,
22:07why don't you call it
22:08Derek?
22:10Yes,
22:10yes,
22:11yeah.
22:12Damien
22:12Derek Trotter.
22:14You can't call him that.
22:16He's initials are BDDT.
22:21There'd be no flies on him then,
22:23will there?
22:25No,
22:26when I said Damien,
22:27I was just having a look.
22:28what?
22:28I'm not getting it.
22:29I'm not getting it.
22:29No.
22:34Trotters Independent Traders.
22:37Oh,
22:38it's you,
22:38Cassandra.
22:40And what can I do for you?
22:41And what exactly do you want to sue me about?
22:48Yeah,
22:48well,
22:49I'll pop round and see you.
22:51Well,
22:52next week,
22:52next month,
22:53who knows?
22:53Thank you for calling.
22:54Bye-bye.
23:04Wasn't very friendly,
23:05was it?
23:05Let people know where they stand,
23:07that's my motto.
23:09Cassandra seems to think
23:10all she has to do is whistle
23:11and I'll come running.
23:13If all the least you could do
23:14is to ask how she was.
23:15I'll handle this my way,
23:17Derek.
23:23Well,
23:24I think I'll pop round
23:25so you have to sneak in.
23:27Yes.
23:28Yeah,
23:28that's it,
23:29bruv.
23:29You made her wait long enough.
23:48Hello.
23:49Hi.
23:51Why didn't you use your front door key?
23:53Don't I?
23:54Didn't seem right,
23:54somehow.
23:56Well,
23:56come in.
24:10Do you want the drink?
24:11Oh,
24:12nothing alcoholic,
24:13thanks.
24:13I've,
24:13uh,
24:14cleared my act up.
24:15Good.
24:16Yeah,
24:16coffee will be fine.
24:20So,
24:21how are things with the parents
24:23to be?
24:24Oh,
24:24well,
24:24you know,
24:25Nelson Mandela House
24:26is on Amber Alert.
24:30They're all just sitting there,
24:31you know,
24:32waiting for the second coming
24:33of the Prince of Darkness.
24:37I said to Dill,
24:38you know,
24:38you're going to have trouble
24:39getting that kid's shoes
24:40because mother care
24:41because mother care don't cater
24:41for clothing hooves.
24:43Poor baby.
24:45Yeah,
24:45poor baby nothing.
24:49All the ancient prophecies
24:50are coming true,
24:51you know.
24:51The satanic forces
24:53are gathering in the skies
24:54above Peckham.
24:55Raquel's looking more like
24:56Mia Farrow every day.
24:58So,
24:59what have you been up to,
25:00Ned?
25:00Anything exciting?
25:01Not really.
25:03I saw Stephen today.
25:05Oh,
25:05yeah?
25:05Do you remember Stephen?
25:06He used to work at my branch.
25:08Yeah.
25:09He's been moved up
25:10to head office.
25:11Oh,
25:12cosmic.
25:14Do you remember
25:14you used to call him
25:15a Wally?
25:16Yeah.
25:17I think you were right.
25:19Was I?
25:20You'll never guess.
25:21He's only got one of those
25:23silly little ponytails.
25:29What a Wally.
25:31Looks like he's wearing
25:32a Davy Crockett hat.
25:36I thought that was
25:37all the fashion though.
25:39Yeah,
25:39amongst lame brains.
25:46Ow!
25:50Um,
25:50nothing.
25:51Are you okay?
25:52Yeah.
25:53Yeah,
25:53I'm fine.
26:00Well,
26:00it was, uh,
26:01it was nice Sunday,
26:02wasn't it?
26:03Well,
26:04apart from the rail
26:04we had in the maze.
26:07Yeah.
26:09I was right though,
26:10wasn't I?
26:11My way out
26:12was quickest.
26:13Well,
26:13I don't think so actually
26:14because I had a look
26:15at a map of the maze
26:15when I got home
26:16and I found...
26:17Yeah.
26:19Yeah,
26:19I suppose.
26:20Sorry,
26:21is that what you wanted
26:22to see me about?
26:23To discuss the quickest way
26:24out of Hampton Court, mate?
26:26No.
26:27No.
26:28I wanted to discuss us
26:29and what's happening to us.
26:32Mummy and Daddy,
26:33well,
26:33Mummy really,
26:35insisted that I saw
26:36our solicitor for advice.
26:39Getting that heavy,
26:40is it?
26:41No,
26:42it's not getting heavy.
26:43It was just for advice,
26:44that's all.
26:44Oh.
26:45And what did your
26:46solicitor advise?
26:48Take the git
26:49for every penny
26:49he's got,
26:50I suppose.
26:51Well,
26:51don't expect a cheque
26:52from me,
26:52Kes.
26:53If you want
26:53half my estate,
26:54you can have it
26:55on a postal order.
26:56He didn't say
26:57anything like that.
26:58He advised us
26:59to talk.
27:00Talk?
27:01That's what causes
27:02a rouse.
27:03That's what I said.
27:05But he advised us
27:06to try and find out
27:07why we argue
27:08every time we speak.
27:09What did you tell him?
27:10It was my fault,
27:11I suppose.
27:12No,
27:13I didn't.
27:14I said we were
27:14both to blame.
27:16He asked whether
27:17we considered
27:18adding to our numbers,
27:20something to concentrate
27:21both our attentions.
27:24What,
27:24a baby?
27:26No,
27:26a dog.
27:29I don't think
27:30a baby
27:31would be a good
27:31career move.
27:32Yeah,
27:33but I don't like dogs.
27:34Well,
27:35I don't mind them,
27:35it's just when I was little
27:36I got bitten by Jack Russell.
27:40And a sausage dog.
27:42And a sort of
27:43half-poodle thing.
27:45Well,
27:46dogs just sort of bite me.
27:47It's an instinct.
27:49How about a cat?
27:50No,
27:51I'm allergic.
27:52I come out in a rash.
27:53How about a parrot?
27:54No,
27:55they take so much
27:56looking after.
27:58A gerbil?
27:59No,
28:00I can't stand
28:00furry little things
28:01that run around.
28:02Make me go all funny.
28:04So,
28:05we're looking for
28:05something that
28:05don't take too much
28:06looking after,
28:08isn't going to run
28:09around a lot
28:09and don't bring you
28:10out in a rash.
28:11Yeah.
28:13How about a tin of salmon?
28:18Don't get sarcastic,
28:20Roddy.
28:21Oh,
28:21what?
28:22We could give it a name,
28:23Rex or something.
28:26Then we could take it
28:27to the vase
28:27for its injections.
28:30And we could,
28:31you know,
28:31put a bit of string
28:31round it,
28:32take it for a walk
28:33every evening.
28:35And it wouldn't
28:36take much training,
28:37would it?
28:37We could just
28:37threaten it
28:37with a tin opener.
28:39See what I mean?
28:40We tried to talk
28:42and you've just
28:42gone ridiculous again.
28:44It was just
28:44because you put
28:45an obstacle in front
28:45of every good idea.
28:47I was perfectly
28:48happy with the dog.
28:49Just because you've
28:49been bitten
28:50three or four times,
28:51you dismiss the idea.
28:53All right,
28:53let's get a dog.
28:55Let's get a Doberman.
28:56Let the sod
28:57rip my limbs off
28:58and drink the dog.
28:58I can't tell
28:59as long as you're happy.
29:00At this moment in time,
29:01that would make
29:02me ecstatic,
29:03would you?
29:05Right.
29:05Fine.
29:07I'm going down
29:07the nags.
29:08I'm going down
29:08the nags.
29:13Look,
29:14Cass,
29:15we really ought
29:16to try harder
29:17to make this work.
29:19If not for us,
29:20then
29:20for our
29:22tin of salmon.
29:25I'll phone you.
29:28All right.
29:31get rid of it,
29:35Roddy,
29:35please.
29:36I can't.
29:37I can't.
29:38I can't.
29:38I can't.
29:39I can't.
29:39I can't.
29:39I can't.
29:40Get rid of it.
29:40All right.
29:41All right.
29:41Just stay cool.
29:47It's not a mouse.
29:48What is it then?
29:50It's the...
29:51It's a rat.
29:55You're frightening.
29:59Get rid of it,
30:00Roddy,
30:00please.
30:01I can't.
30:01I can't.
30:03You sure you don't
30:04want to keep it
30:04as a pet?
30:04Oh, get rid of it.
30:05All right.
30:07Do I have room
30:08to hit it with?
30:09No.
30:09It's all right.
30:10I've got me hands.
30:11He's a strong'un.
30:20He's struggling,
30:21look.
30:24You sure you don't
30:25want to keep it?
30:25It's a pet.
30:26Roddy!
30:28It's all right.
30:28I've got it.
30:29Come on.
30:30And away.
30:36I threw it out the
30:37landing window.
30:38I think I killed it.
30:39Oh, Roddy!
30:43It's all right.
30:43It's all right.
30:47I'm here.
30:47Oh, no.
31:05Me wig's going bald.
31:09Well, this is going to
31:10take a bit of creative
31:11salesmanship, this,
31:13isn't it?
31:14I know.
31:15I know what I say.
31:15I say it's the
31:16Bruce Willis look.
31:18Yeah.
31:19During the war.
31:20Del, we'd better go.
31:22Yes, I think you're right.
31:23Good night, Albert.
31:24Good night.
31:25I'm not to bed.
31:26To the hospital.
31:27Started.
31:28Are you sure?
31:29Yes.
31:29I've been timing the
31:30contractions.
31:31We'd better go.
31:32The baby's on its way.
31:33Do something, Del.
31:34Don't just sit there.
31:36Calm down.
31:36What are we going to do?
31:38Calm down.
31:39Calm someone.
31:40There's a baby on its way.
31:42Please, you calm down.
31:43And listen to me.
31:45Now, I want you to go
31:45into my bedroom.
31:46You'll find a
31:46Leatherlook flight bag.
31:48It contains all of
31:49Raquel's hospital things.
31:50You go and get it,
31:51take it downstairs
31:52to my Capri gear.
31:53All right?
31:54All right, Del.
31:54I'll go and get it.
31:55If you go.
31:56What's it look like?
31:57Well, it looks like a fridge.
32:00It's a bag, isn't it,
32:01you old dude?
32:02Now, go off.
32:03Aye, aye, Del.
32:03Leave me the beef.
32:05All right, sweetheart.
32:05All right, all right.
32:06Nice and calm.
32:07Nice and calm.
32:08Nice and calm
32:08like they showed us
32:09in the hospital, eh?
32:10Okay.
32:10All right!
32:11I'll be with you, hurry up!
32:23Hello?
32:24Yes, Cassandra,
32:25it's Del boy.
32:26Oh, what do you want, Del?
32:28It's 11.30.
32:29I'm sorry to wait,
32:30you, sweetheart.
32:31Come on, get down there.
32:31I just,
32:32I'm trying to find Rodney.
32:34Oh, Rodney.
32:34Oh, he was here earlier,
32:35but he left about an hour ago.
32:38What's wrong?
32:39It's nothing.
32:39It's just that, uh,
32:40Raquel,
32:41Raquel's going to give birth
32:42to our baby.
32:43Have the labour pains started?
32:45Yeah.
32:45Oh, um,
32:47you'll phone me
32:48as soon as the baby's born,
32:49won't you?
32:50Yes, of course I will,
32:51sweetheart.
32:51It's just that I,
32:52I wanted Rodney to be there.
32:54Here, sweetheart,
32:54I'll take your coat.
32:56Listen, I'll give you a bell
32:57as soon as I'll get some news.
32:59Bonjour.
33:00Okay,
33:01and give Raquel my love,
33:02tell her I'll be in
33:03to see her soon.
33:04Yes, I will.
33:05And give Rodney a nudge
33:06and tell him to get his arse
33:07down the hospital.
33:09All right, Del.
33:09Del,
33:10what are you with him?
33:13Oh, that's ridiculous.
33:15Never heard of the uncle
33:16being at a birth before.
33:17He doesn't want you
33:18in the delivery room,
33:19just at the hospital with him.
33:21No, you don't know him
33:22like I do.
33:23He'll have me holding
33:23her leg in the air or something.
33:25You'll get your clothes.
33:28Cass,
33:28I'm comfy, yeah.
33:30Here's your trousers.
33:33Oh, God,
33:34it's a full moon.
33:36Son of Del
33:37is being born on a full moon.
33:39I knew it.
33:41I bloody knew it.
33:42A couple of hours from now,
33:44you won't be able to sleep
33:45for the sound of howling.
33:46Oh, that was so silly.
33:47Now, where are the keys
33:48to the van?
33:49Oh, where's me crucifix?
33:50That's what I want to know.
33:56Oh, look, Rodney.
33:58It's that rat
33:58you killed earlier.
34:00Doesn't it look like
34:01a clip-on ponytail
34:02when you get close up?
34:04Oh, now, listen,
34:06I never said it was a rat.
34:07You liar.
34:08No, I said it looked
34:10like a rat.
34:11And it did, didn't it?
34:12I mean, you thought
34:13it was a mouse.
34:15Where'd you get it from?
34:16I was going to wear it
34:17as a joke.
34:18Must have fallen
34:19out of my pocket.
34:21I could report you
34:22to the police.
34:23You took advantage
34:24of me twice.
34:26Oh, no.
34:28If the case goes to court,
34:29would you say three times?
34:31You're not the driver
34:31on the way to the hospital.
34:33It'll save the ambulance
34:34a journey.
34:35Oh, now, come on, Cass.
34:36Pack it in.
34:36I've got a brother
34:37about to give birth.
34:43All right, sweetheart.
34:44The nurse has gone
34:45to get the delivery team.
34:47You've had your enema.
34:49Everything's going
34:49for an apparent.
34:50You're going to stay here,
34:51aren't you, dear?
34:52Don't go running off
34:53and leaving me.
34:53No, I'm not going anywhere,
34:54sweetheart.
34:55I'm staying here with you.
34:56No.
34:57No.
35:06Are those the specialists,
35:10Wadley?
35:12No, they just come back
35:13from a fancy dress party
35:14for the specialists.
35:18All right.
35:19Good.
35:21Who is it?
35:21Friend or enema?
35:24Friend or enema?
35:26Shut up, Del.
35:28Yeah, shut up, Del.
35:29It's all right, Don.
35:30I'll go and see what it is.
35:31You stay there, all right?
35:33Oh, yeah.
35:34Your specialists are on their way,
35:35dear boy.
35:35Thanks, Hank.
35:36You go and sit down there.
35:37Go on.
35:37Go on.
35:38That's it.
35:38Hold her here now.
35:39Here they come.
35:40That's it.
35:41Oh, excuse me.
35:42Excuse me, John.
35:42We're having a baby in here.
35:43I know.
35:44That's why I'm here.
35:45What are you,
35:46a pervo or something?
35:47This is Mr. McCullum.
35:49He's the midwife.
35:51Me to know.
35:52I'm a trained midwife.
35:54Now, please,
35:55get out of my way.
35:55Just let him do his job, Del.
35:57No, he's a blow.
35:58I don't care if he's a trained chimp.
36:00Get out of his way.
36:01All right.
36:03All right.
36:03Come on.
36:04You just watch it, though,
36:04me, please.
36:05Calm down.
36:06Calm down.
36:06Remember your blood pressure.
36:08How are you feeling, Raquel?
36:09Not too bad at the moment.
36:11Have we timed the contractions?
36:12Three minutes.
36:13Is that good?
36:14Yes, that's good.
36:15Cushed it.
36:16Would you set the monitor up?
36:17Nurse, the gas and air.
36:21What's that thing for?
36:22It monitors the baby's heartbeat.
36:24Oh.
36:25Lovely jubbly.
36:31It's going to be a boy our 90s.
36:32Can't be sure of anything, son.
36:36No.
36:37It's a boy.
36:39Mars and something else have come into conjunction
36:42and decided that he will be born in Peckham.
36:47I've got the baby's heartbeat.
36:51I've got the baby's heartbeat.
36:53Half an hour's time,
36:54I'll have the bestest knees up our family's ever known.
36:57Is everything all right?
36:58Yes.
36:58Yes, everything's absolutely fine.
37:00The baby's fine.
37:00Raquel is fine.
37:0248 hours' time.
37:03We'll be going back to our flat
37:04with another addition to the Trotter family.
37:07Oi, Del.
37:07They said anything about the sex?
37:10I'll give her time, Rodney.
37:11I'll give her time.
37:41Just right, isn't he?
37:43Because he's a perfectionist.
37:45Like his dad.
37:46I was talking about the midwife.
37:49Oh, I see.
37:49Oi, you, pal.
37:50How much longer is this going to take?
37:52Nature will run its course, Mr Trotter.
37:55When baby's ready to put in an appearance,
37:57he'll let us know.
37:58Push her tail.
38:00Push her tail.
38:00Push her tail.
38:00You can't.
38:02Go on.
38:03Give it everything you've got.
38:04Get off.
38:04Don't you ever come near me again, Trotter.
38:12No need to be like that, sweetheart.
38:15I suppose they're all like this, are they?
38:17No.
38:18Oh.
38:19I'll get the guests in here.
38:20Oh.
38:33Look at her.
38:34Look at her.
38:35I can see his head.
38:37I can see his head.
38:38He's got a full head of hair.
38:43Some bloody spiff.
38:45I'll, uh, scrub up.
38:51I can see his head.
39:21Come on, Raquel.
39:26Give it some welly, girl.
39:27Go on.
39:29Okay, relax.
39:30Shouldn't be too long now, Raquel.
39:32The contractions are becoming more frequent.
39:34I know.
39:34I'm the one having the contractions.
39:36Would you let go of my leg, Del?
39:38It's all right.
39:38So sweet, huh?
39:40Do you like some gas and air?
39:41No, thank you.
39:42Oh, well.
39:44Really do you do, Raquel.
39:46Do you like me, girl?
39:48Do you do you do?
39:50It's good stuff, this.
39:51Better not tell Rodney about it.
39:56Oh, no.
39:56What?
39:57Here's another one.
39:58Push hard.
39:59There's a good job.
39:59Del, can I hold your hand?
40:01Yes, yes, of course you can.
40:02Go on.
40:02Shame.
40:05Push.
40:05Steady on, Raquel.
40:06Steady on.
40:07Did that hurt, Del?
40:20Now you know what it's bloody well like.
40:34Give him birth, ain't all it's cracked up to be, is it?
40:39Yes, of course.
40:40Breathe easily, right?
40:42I see, darling.
40:45Breathe easily.
40:46Breathe easily, Raquel.
40:48Four.
40:50Four.
40:51Four.
40:51I can see his head.
40:54Raquel, I can see his head.
40:54That's very good.
40:56The head's in position.
40:57I can see his head.
40:58I can see his head, Raquel.
41:00I can see his...
41:01I can see his...
41:02I can see his helmet.
41:04I can see his head.
41:06That's weird.
41:08Is it, you know, normal?
41:11No, what do you mean normal?
41:12Of course it's normal.
41:13I mean, it's just a head.
41:15You want any sort of numbers on it?
41:19Rappers?
41:19What are you talking about, Roddy?
41:20What do you think this is?
41:21A bloody raffle?
41:25Sit, Raquel.
41:26Push.
41:26Go on.
41:27Push.
41:27Go on.
41:29There we are.
41:30The head's out.
41:32Relax now.
41:33Just relax for a minute.
41:34Oh.
41:35I can't wipe her down.
41:36She's...
41:37Raquel, go on.
41:38Oh, jeez, face.
41:40He's got a little...
41:41And he's got a little nose.
41:42He's got a little nose.
41:45Come on, now.
41:48One more push.
42:02That's it, then.
42:04It's all over.
42:09Well, that's my own thing.
42:10Don't you want to see the baby?
42:12No, I'm not fast.
42:13I can see you tomorrow, can't I?
42:15Joe won't like it if you go.
42:17It's important to him that you stay here, Rodney.
42:19It's a baby, Raquel.
42:41I've been wondering what that swelling was.
42:48We got ourselves a lovely little baby.
42:51Oh, no.
42:53I love you.
42:54I love you, too, sweetheart.
42:56I love you.
42:58I love you.
43:02We've done it.
43:05You bloody done it.
43:08Congratulations, son.
43:10What is it, Del?
43:12It's a little baby, brother.
43:14Is it a boy or a girl?
43:18Oh, no.
43:18Hang on.
43:19Is it a boy or a girl?
43:29It's a boy.
43:32I'll tell you what, he won't be frightened to get changed in the showers.
43:40It's a boy!
43:49Well, Mr Trotter, if he keeps you awake at night, don't bring him back to us.
43:57Thanks, sister. Keep me awake as long as he likes.
44:02Thanks, Doc.
44:03My pleasure. And, uh, sorry about this.
44:07That's all right. Here, listen. If you like, I can get you a real good'un.
44:09They normally retail a hundred quid up west. To you, nothing.
44:12No, really. I don't think I'll bother anymore. Congratulations.
44:16Thanks very much.
44:17Oh, he's gorgeous.
44:21Look at that little face.
44:24You wouldn't look down there.
44:26He's got no worries.
44:28You say so, Dale.
44:30Yes.
44:31I'll bet you wouldn't say no to a cup of tea.
44:34Yeah, not half.
44:36Would you like one, love?
44:38Yeah, okay, one, all. Will you, sweetheart?
44:41Thanks.
44:43Yeah.
44:45Look at him.
44:47I'll get Rodney and Albert.
44:49Yeah.
44:51Rodney.
44:52Albert, come on, come on, come on.
44:54Here, cover yourself up, sweetheart.
44:56You won't catch cold.
44:59Here you are, look.
45:00Now, then.
45:01Here it is.
45:02Here.
45:03Give it to me, sweetheart.
45:05Come on, then.
45:06Come on.
45:07Look.
45:08Give it.
45:08Give me him.
45:09There he is.
45:10Rodney.
45:11Rodney.
45:11Albert.
45:13Let me introduce you to Damien.
45:17Oh, boy.
45:18Oh, boy.
45:19Oh, boy.
45:20It's my little bit.
45:21Yes.
45:25Hi, darling.
45:26Yeah.
45:28Yes.
45:30Got your eyes, Dale.
45:31Yeah.
45:33Yeah.
45:34You want to see him down now?
45:36Yeah.
45:38Come on.
45:39You come with me for a minute.
45:40Come on.
45:41Here.
45:41It's a good boy.
45:42Okay.
45:42Come on.
45:42Come on.
45:42Come on.
45:42Come on.
45:42Come on.
45:42Come on.
45:42Come on.
45:43Come on.
45:43Come on.
45:44Come on.
45:44Come on.
45:44Hey, old mum.
45:56I know you can see us.
45:59Here he is, look.
46:00Your first grandchild.
46:02And last.
46:04And last.
46:07Oh, you are such a lucky little boy.
46:12You really are.
46:14But you've got a mummy and daddy who think you're the most precious thing in the whole
46:18wide world.
46:21You've got a lovely family around you.
46:24You have.
46:25Yes, you have, look.
46:27See that?
46:28You've got your Uncle Rodney there to play with.
46:32Great Uncle Albert.
46:35He'll tell you about all the places in the world he's been to.
46:38Been sunk.
46:38He'll tell you about all the things your daddy couldn't afford.
46:50Because I've been a bit of a dreamer, you know.
46:53Yeah, I have.
46:55I mean, you know, I wanted to do things and be someone.
46:58But I never heard what he'd talk.
47:03You're different.
47:05You're going to live my dreams for me.
47:08And you're going to do all the things that I wanted to do.
47:10And you're going to come back and you're going to tell me about them.
47:13Tell me if they're as good as I thought they'd be.
47:15Oh, and you're going to have such fun.
47:19You are.
47:21And then when you get the hump, you're about to get the hump sometimes.
47:27I'm like about to make you laugh.
47:31Because I've mucked about all my life.
47:33And I never knew the reason why until now.
47:37This is what it's all about.
47:40I was born for this moment.
47:44Yes.
47:45Oh, we're going to have such fun.
47:48We are.
47:49You mark my words.
47:54This time next year,
47:57we'll be millionaires.
47:58This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
48:11This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
48:26Push, push, push, push, push, push fast
48:28No income tax or BAT
48:31No money back or guarantee
48:34If that's what I want to get your book
48:38We'll lift the prices and a stroll
48:41God bless Hawkeye Street
48:45Viva Hawkeye Street
48:48Long live Hawkeye Street
48:51Same� but defeat
48:53Hawkeye Street
48:55Magnifique
48:56Hooky Street
48:58Hooky Street
49:01Hooky Street
49:04Hooky Street