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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la-la
00:42Get down and boogie
00:44All you can do is step back and dime
00:48All the confusion when
00:51There's nothing new and there's nothing to it
00:54Step back and dime
00:56When you can't point a music
00:58To get down and boogie
00:59All you can do is step back and dime
01:03Oh, go on, man
01:05Albert might come out here any second
01:07You've only got the pop across the corridor to the bathroom
01:10It's not a life or death dash over no man's land, isn't it?
01:13Yes, yes, yes, yes
01:14He doesn't know I'm staying in here with you
01:19He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's old room
01:21And Rodney sleeps on the settee
01:23We'll have to tell him the truth, Del
01:24All right, all right, all right, sweetheart
01:27If it makes you happy
01:30You tell him
01:30Me?
01:31I tell him
01:32It's embarrassing
01:34He's your uncle
01:35You tell him
01:36All right, I'll tell him
01:38What's the matter with you?
01:40He don't bother me
01:41Honestly
01:41Get back, he's coming
01:44Cheer up, Del boy
01:48Good morning, son
01:51Morning
01:51Here's your papers
01:53Financial Times
01:54Thank you
01:55Exchange of Mark
01:57Yeah
01:57I'll look up the closing prices on the Tokyo Stock Exchange at the breakfast table
02:03Yeah, you please yourself, son
02:04Thank you
02:05Raquel
02:07Cup of tea, love
02:09You awake
02:11Raquel
02:12I'll leave it outside for you, love
02:16Stand back in time
02:18Ah
02:20Ah
02:20Ah
02:21Confusion
02:26Something smells nice out in the kitchen, Albert
02:29Yeah, I just do myself some egg and bacon, son
02:31What do you want for breakfast?
02:33Something healthy or something nice?
02:36Yes, do us a fry-up, will you?
02:38But look lively, because I don't want Raquel's in
02:39She's into this high-fiber gobblers
02:41Good boy
02:43Oh, have you managed to have a talk with young Rodney yet?
02:46Yeah, what about?
02:47What do you mean, what about?
02:49He left his wife and come back to live here
02:51Well, he's a full-grown adult, isn't he?
02:54What am I supposed to do?
02:55Well, I don't know
02:55You could appeal to his common sense
02:57Oh, yeah?
02:58And then after lunch, I'll go out and find Shergar
03:00This is no laughing matter
03:03Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country
03:05No, she ain't
03:06She gone to Spain
03:07Yeah, God
03:08Dear
03:08She's only gone there for a week
03:11Her and her mum have gone to get away from it all at the family villa
03:14Yeah, family villa
03:16Yeah, I'm family now, aren't I, eh?
03:18I could do with a break
03:19I'm having a drink with Cassandra's dad tonight
03:21I'll have a word with him
03:22Yeah, he's down a pub every night boozing
03:25Who's that, Cassandra's dad?
03:26I'm talking about Rodney
03:27Oh
03:28I was going to say, because Alan, he's T-Total, he is
03:31Going out for a drink with him is like going on a pub crawl with Betty Ford
03:35Don't worry about Rodney
03:38He's just a bit confused at the moment, that's all
03:40Yeah, he was a bit confused when he'd come in the other night
03:42Confused as a newt
03:44Still, he's making a bit of effort
03:48Look, he made his bed before he went to work
03:50Yeah, hang about, Albert, just a minute
03:54Look, the thing is, you see, that Rodney did not sleep on the settee last night
04:00Oh?
04:01No
04:02Where did he sleep then?
04:03Well, he slept in his old room
04:06Oh
04:06Yeah
04:07I thought Raquel slept in there
04:10No
04:12Where's he sleep then?
04:15I don't believe him
04:18She slept
04:20Somewhere else
04:23Oh, I see
04:26Where?
04:33Listen, could you raise your voice just one more decibel?
04:38Then they'll be able to hear you in the doodongue
04:39You mean she slept with you then?
04:42Yes
04:43All right
04:44Yes
04:44Yes, she did
04:45Listen
04:46Don't you go and say nothing to her about it
04:49Why, don't she know?
04:52LAUGHTER
04:52Of course she knows
04:58It's just that I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all
05:01I wonder why you looked a bit chirpy
05:03Blimey, that laugh of yours
05:08Sounds like someone trying to push-start a larder
05:10Here, you have my breakfast
05:15Build your strength up
05:17I'll cook myself another one
05:20Good, bless you
05:21Uncle
05:21Oh, you're a lifesaver, I tell you
05:23Look at that, eh?
05:28Lovely, jubbly
05:29Morning
05:31Morning
05:33Morning
05:37Morning, love
05:38Nice to see you back on your feet
05:40Are you up to a bit of breakfast?
05:47No, thanks
05:48I don't know how you can eat that sort of rubbish, Albert
05:51Well, the Trotter family have been eating that sort of rubbish
05:53That sort of cuisine for generations
05:56Never done us any harm
05:58My dad lived till he was 81
06:00Mm, 81, see, that's a good age, isn't it?
06:03Worked for him, he died
06:04I know that, I know, but what I meant
06:10I agree with Raquel
06:13Oh, yeah, I can't eat all that fried rubbish no more
06:16No, no
06:17You give me a nice, good old grapefruit any day
06:19Good
06:20That's what I like to hear
06:22You got some egg on your chin
06:24Eh?
06:24A doctor told you to stay off fried food
06:29Yes, I know
06:29And a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit
06:31You all know what happened to that poor old cow
06:35It's all right, it's all right, sweetheart
06:37I know you've got my intentions at heart
06:40And I'm grateful
06:41I'll try and leave it alone in future, all right?
06:45Now, good Lord, is that the time?
06:47Look, are you eating?
06:48No, I want to get down to shops before they're too packed
06:50All right, well, come on then
06:51I'm going to give you a lift now
06:51Cos I've got to go and drop off some printing at Boyce's
06:54All right?
06:57Dear, oh dear, look at that
06:58Albert, I'll see you later
07:00And you know what you can do with that rubbish, don't you, eh?
07:04Look at me
07:04Put it in the oven, put it in the oven
07:08Still going to work?
07:17Yeah, I thought you'd gone as well
07:19Aye, no, I overslept a bit when I woke up
07:22Do you want a bit of breakfast?
07:24Well, yeah, I'll have a
07:25No, I'll have a glass of orange juice
07:28Well, you'd better get a move on
07:31It's gone nine
07:32Yeah, well, thing is, son
07:35Um, I thoroughly feel well enough to go to work today
07:38Could you give them a ring and tell them I won't be there?
07:41Well, what's wrong with you?
07:42Oh, you know, it's me stomach
07:44It sort of aches and that
07:46I think I've got a viral condition, you know
07:48There's a lot of it about
07:49Yeah, especially amongst the regulars down in Naz Head
07:52I've not got a hangover, if that's what you're thinking
07:57All right, I had a couple of drinks last night
07:59Yeah, and the night before
08:00And the night before that
08:01Yeah, it's all right, just
08:02Oh, you know
08:05Ask for the personnel department, all right?
08:08Go, pal
08:09Hello?
08:11Could I have the personnel department, please?
08:15They wouldn't have had the likes of you in the armed forces
08:17All right, let's get out of World War III, then, doesn't it?
08:19Hello?
08:20Oh, good morning
08:21I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter
08:23He won't be in today, because he...
08:25Eh?
08:27What do you mean, who is he?
08:28Who are you?
08:28Cheeky cow
08:31You tell her, um...
08:32Tell her I'm the head
08:33The head of the computer section
08:35He's the head
08:36He's the head
08:38Of the computer section
08:40Yeah, that's him
08:44Well, he won't be in today, because you've got the bellyache
08:51Don't know, dear, he might be a bit egg-bound
08:55Oh
08:55Right
08:58Yeah, all right, dear
08:59Bye
09:00All right?
09:01All right?
09:02What do you mean, all right?
09:03What did you tell her I had a bellyache for?
09:05Well, that's what you've got, innit?
09:06No, it is not
09:07You said you had an ache
09:08I have
09:09In your belly?
09:11Yes
09:11Well, ain't that the bellyache?
09:12No
09:13Oh, I must have got the wrong head of the stick, son
09:15A bellyache is what you have when you're trying to get out of school sports day
09:20Heads of computer sections have viral conditions
09:24Well, whatever it was, they know you won't be into work today
09:27I don't think I can go to work ever again
09:29Bloody egg-bound
09:30Hey, Albert
09:33Have you seen the keys to the van?
09:35Hey, look, get that breakfast on the...
09:36What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be at work
09:39You're not going to work today
09:40Why not?
09:41You've got a viral condition
09:42What's that?
09:44A bellyache
09:45Well, that must have come on rather sudden, Rodney
09:49Because last night, you were feeling no pain
09:52I know what you're thinking
09:54No, you don't
09:55Just because I had a couple of drinks, you automatically assume I have a hangover
09:59Oh, dear
10:00Have you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning?
10:04Because you certainly ain't the fairest in the land
10:06You look as though you've just come back from a Club 1830 trip to Chernobyl
10:10Yeah, well, Chernobyl's not too far from the truth
10:15My love life has taken on a distinctly Russian ambience
10:19Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up
10:23You don't want to believe what you read about the Russians
10:27During the war...
10:29Oh, dear
10:30Get you vent out, will you?
10:32I was in the Soviet Union for a while
10:34Here we go, we're back in the USSR
10:36Listen, you've got no problems
10:39They wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union
10:41They wouldn't let you in the Plumber's Union
10:43I was drive-dropped in Burmence for over a month
10:47And I met one or two of them Russian girls
10:48And I'm telling you, they're hot stuff
10:50Oh, leave it out, Albert
10:52No, it's true, Rodney
10:53He's got a point
10:54I mean, have you seen that love bite on Gorbachev's head?
10:56Come on, Rodney
11:00Give me a hand, look for these keys, will you?
11:02I've got to get that printing down to Boyce's
11:04Oh, Albert, I want you to iron my midnight pink shirt
11:07For this evening I'm having cocktails with Alan
11:09Cassandra's dead?
11:10Yes, Cassandra's dead
11:12Your father-in-law, your employer
11:13And, Rodney, I don't know what he's going to say about your fun and games
11:17How many days have you had off this week because of hangovers?
11:20You've got to push that man's loyalty too far, my son
11:22You really are
11:23I'm ill, ill
11:25All right, you're ill
11:26I'll tell him, shall I?
11:26What have you got, the two bob bits?
11:30Derek, a viral condition sounds better
11:32And what am I supposed to say about this situation between you and Cassandra?
11:37I'll tell him I'm working on it
11:39Oh, yeah, that should cheer him up no end, shouldn't it, eh?
11:40Yes, all right
11:41Come on in, where are these keys?
11:43If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be looking for them, would I?
11:45Go and have a look in my bedroom, I'll look in the kitchen
11:47I can't remember where I left them, I could have left
11:49Hey, Rodney
11:51Rodney
11:52Listen, do you want me to phone and make an appointment at the doctor's for you?
11:57No, no, I'll be all right
11:58Well, look at you, look, you're limping
11:59Yeah, I know, my sock's soaking wet
12:01Somebody left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door
12:04Duke
12:13Duke
12:15Duke
12:17Duke
12:19Duke
12:22Come on
12:23Wouldn't you get in that bloody house?
12:26are we going out for the day or are we yes we are going out for the day i am just waiting for
12:40the engineers to call to check this thing over i mean they said they'd be here at nine look at
12:45it quarter to ten already and there's no sign of it the old boy was supposed to bring my printing
12:50around i suppose he's got held up by that woman what's her name raquel yeah the stripper she's not
12:57a stripper she is an actress oh yeah really well the last time i saw her she was acting the part of
13:03the stripper isn't that working yet yes it's working it's just that i can't train it on the
13:12satellites i mean how the hell am i supposed to know where they are they'd fly them a bit lower
13:16wouldn't you well that wouldn't be a look at your daddy look at your daddy playing with his new toy
13:30doesn't he look stupid this is not a toy marlene you are looking at two thousand pounds worth of
13:38state-of-the-art technology you never paid two thousand pounds for that you got it okay
13:44shh marlene for god's sake we've got a chief inspector living next door i know he was the
13:51one you got it off of we got a cheap one from dixon's like everyone else because this is not
13:57for pleasure marlene this is a high-tech investment in my video leisure company this thing can pick up
14:04the whole of scandinavia
14:09i can therefore record films of the more adult variety and show them to my more discerning client
14:16you mean perverts a little bit medical about it yes
14:19oh he wants pain and i know messing you paying i know what a tight sod you are
14:27hey and be nice to him you know he's had problems okay i'll be nice to him
14:33don't get your face too close it scares him
14:38i just finished
14:51oh you are finished all right look what you've done to my vestibule i've got paint on me carpets
14:58paint on me chandeliers paint on me chippendale telephone seat
15:01you can't help a drop or two of paint a drop or two it looks as though someone's held an acid party
15:05in a deluxe warehouse sorry you're disappointed what shall i do with the bill stick it where the
15:12mice won't get at it i am not paying hang about boy see we had an agreement you owe me 400 quid
15:17we shook hands on it yes and i had to wash the paint off afterwards now look you either adjust your bill
15:24to take account of all that damage or contact my solicitor that is the last time i have a cowboy
15:29working on my property i am not a cowboy not a cowboy
15:34i've got spur marks on me grandfather clock
15:38i don't like being called a cowboy
15:41no one's ever called me that before i am not a cowboy
15:46bronco
15:48how's your luck pal oh i've just been working for boys here that's how bad things are you'll never
15:55guess that tight-ass burke's only refusing to pay me accuse me of being a messy worker well let's face
16:01it bronco i mean you are just a little bit sloppy aren't you i mean look at the state of them overalls
16:05i'm a painter and decorator i know that i only sold them to you last tuesday
16:09you know i did i'll sign her running through the washing machine but the landlord's cut our electric
16:13off landlord i thought you bought that little flat down on chip lane building society evicted us
16:18oh so where are you now in a bed and breakfast hotel out near the airport oh it's handy if you
16:25like planes yeah we're at the end of the main runway push deep here how's that uh little kylie of
16:33your scent oh she broke her arm no yeah climbed up on a chair to look at a plane things are a bit
16:42grim for you aren't they bronco yeah hey maybe i should tell boise hey give him a sob story what
16:48tell boise a sob story you gotta be joking he's the one that cheered when bambi's mum died
16:55i just don't understand my luck lately dell if it can go wrong it's gone wrong
17:00a roof i've retold has just collapsed last week i rewired a bloke's flat yesterday it caught fire
17:06oh by the way here's my business card just in case you need anything done oh thanks it's very handy
17:11yeah i'll keep that you know i've worked hard to build up this business and i've always led an honest
17:18life well kept out of trouble for the last five years and i yeah that's true being banged up in
17:26wandsworth prison helped a bit though didn't it and why did i go away because you have this tendency
17:32to nick very silly things i mean you were caught speeding down straight of my street in a knocked
17:37off jcb look bronco i know you've got these um the problems what do you mean problems well that
17:47psychiatrist reckoned you suffered from some sort of paranoia didn't he you can't tell you notice of
17:52him dell he's always had it in for me oh yeah i never thought of that here bronco listen do you
18:03need a few quid to tide you over oh no no no that's very nice of you dell no i'll get me money one way
18:08or another see you around all right listen if you need any help just give us a bell right
18:16stay lucky
18:22oh here you are i brought your brilliant round he's gone has he yeah good he's been decorating my
18:38vestibule oh yeah made quite a good job of it as it happens i'm well pleased but you refused to pay him
18:46no no no dull boy i only refuse to pay the agreed price well it's principle i make a fuss he doesn't
18:55want the publicity or the aggro and so he knocks off 50 for goodwill he gets a living wage and i save 200
19:03notes it's good business yeah but come on i mean look he's got that kylie and sandra and rack man that's
19:10important does this look like the social security to you i mean who is he anyway he's your brother
19:17in law do you think i like having a certified nutter working in my house i only give him a job to help
19:26him out hey talking of in-laws bloody andy having rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm
19:32innit all this at half price hey does alan know about this it wouldn't matter if he did because
19:36rodney is totally in charge now that place couldn't possibly operate without him oh i always have
19:41faith in that boy yeah so did i you've ordered a lot of print this time yeah i thought i'd get in
19:47quick before rodney gets a sack
20:01i've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos yeah they sound a lot better don't
20:15i yeah that's right and you can switch them off still at least my ban on his singing's worked last
20:22night it was trotter the younger and his dopey mates were you in last night trick most probably
20:29you know what it was rodney mickey pierce jeb dancing and poncing about pretending to be ninja
20:35turtles it's all that far too much to drink don't want that sort of thing in a pub do you no you don't
20:41i don't know
20:47he's singing
20:48I know.
20:50Does he know you banned him?
20:51I'm sorry, boy.
20:55I'm sorry, Peter, me.
21:04Cool.
21:05Hello, au revoir to you both.
21:06Del, boy.
21:07Oh, Del.
21:08What are you drinking, mate?
21:09Get a peach dikari, please, Michael, and a chip-a-larker sandwich.
21:13Yeah, Alan hasn't been in yet, has he?
21:15He's supposed to be having a drink with him tonight.
21:16I haven't seen him so far, Del.
21:17Oh, right.
21:18I saw Boise about half an hour ago.
21:20He didn't even stop to say hello.
21:21Seemed in a right mood.
21:22Oh, I expect Marlene's taking the velcro off his white fronts again.
21:27Right.
21:28Sorry I'm late, Del.
21:29Pam just phoned from the villa.
21:30Oh, that's all right.
21:31No problem, Alan.
21:32No problem.
21:32What are you drinking?
21:33Just a tomato juice.
21:35And a tomato juice on my bill, please, Michael.
21:37Would you deliver them to the table au vermoire?
21:40Thank you very much.
21:40Right, come on.
21:41Have a sit yourself down.
21:44Alan.
21:44Well, how are you?
21:45Oh, not bad.
21:45Not bad, Del.
21:46Good.
21:47Well, you're most probably wondering why I asked to meet you tonight.
21:51Wondering?
21:51No, of course I'm not wondering.
21:52What could be more normal than relatives having a quiet drink together, okay?
21:56Oh, here he comes.
21:57Relatives.
21:58Thank you, Michael.
21:59Thank you very much.
21:59Indeed, yes.
22:00Relatives.
22:01Relatives, yeah.
22:01Well, we're family now, aren't we?
22:04Well, yeah, we are kind of related, sort of, yeah.
22:06What do you mean kind of sort?
22:07No, listen.
22:08When Cassandra married a trotter, you all became trotters.
22:13Is it?
22:14Oh, yes.
22:15Well, maybe not in the eyes of the law, but certainly in the eyes of my heart.
22:18Yes.
22:19Alan.
22:19Alan.
22:20We're family now.
22:22Yeah.
22:22What's mine is yours.
22:24I reckon that works the other way around and all.
22:26Don't we?
22:26About this villa of yours, I was wondering if I could...
22:30What's happened to Rodney today?
22:32Oh, Rodney, yeah.
22:33He's got a viral infection.
22:35Oh, yeah.
22:35The lady in personnel said he had the two bob bits.
22:37Eh?
22:39No, no, no.
22:39It's worse than that.
22:40No, it really is.
22:41And he's very, very poorly.
22:42Well, you'd call a doctor here.
22:43Yeah, well, I wanted to, but he wouldn't let me.
22:45No, it's his uncle's influence.
22:46He's trying to be a British bulldog.
22:49That's funny.
22:50Last night, he was trying to be a ninja turtle.
22:54Rodney was down here last night.
22:55Down here?
22:56He was down here, up there, all over the place.
22:59Drunk as a sack he was.
23:00If he hadn't been spending so much on drink, I would have slung him out.
23:05These viral infections, you know, they happen very suddenly, Alan.
23:08They really do, yeah.
23:09All right, dear.
23:10Now, cards on the table.
23:11This business with Rodney is what I really came to see you about.
23:13So tell me, what the hell is happening?
23:16Well, he's drinking too much, isn't he?
23:18And he's pretending that he's enjoying it.
23:20So that's why he's been having so much time off work recently.
23:22Yeah, that's right.
23:23I've been trying to tell him, but it's no good.
23:25I said if he carries on this rate, he's going to be a dead ringer for Keith Richards.
23:29Looks like an extra from Halloween, as it is.
23:34So what do you think's brought it about?
23:35Oh, I don't know who can say.
23:36It's his lifestyle, I suppose.
23:38You know, late nights, women, booze, drugs.
23:42Rodney?
23:43Hmm?
23:44Oh, Rodney?
23:45Oh, not Rodney.
23:46No, I thought you meant he haven't.
23:49No.
23:50It's his...
23:51Oh, dear.
23:59There.
24:00No, no, no.
24:01Well, it's obvious what the thing is, isn't it?
24:02I mean, it's this problem with him and Cassandra.
24:05Oh, yeah.
24:06That's just what I always feared.
24:08And I had hope that one day I could leave the business to them two, and I'd left it in
24:10good hands.
24:11Oh, yeah.
24:11Well, it's a dream come true, isn't it, eh?
24:13You could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?
24:15I didn't exactly mean falling off the perch, Del.
24:20I meant I could retire.
24:21Oh, yes, yes, of course.
24:21Sorry, yeah.
24:22Well, Pam and I always planned to settle down in our villa in the sun.
24:24Yeah.
24:25Well, you could leave the business safely with Rodney and Cassandra, and if they got into
24:30trouble, I'd always be there to take control.
24:33Oh, yeah, well, Del, you see, you and I are about the same age, Del, so by that time
24:37you'd be retired, too.
24:39Oh, yeah, of course.
24:41Never thought of that.
24:42Yeah, I'd be able to come over and spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa.
24:45Yeah, wouldn't I?
24:46Oh, yeah.
24:49Wait till I tell her.
24:50Yeah.
24:51You and Pam, me and Raquel, you can just picture it, can't you?
24:54Oh, yeah.
24:55Yeah.
24:56We'll have a few laughs, won't we, eh?
24:58A few sangrias, a bit of fried squid, lamb dada the night away.
25:03Let's have a drink to celebrate, shall we?
25:04I'll get it on.
25:05Michael, tell you what, I'll have a...
25:06No, no, no, I don't touch it now, please.
25:08Oh, all right.
25:09Well, listen, about that villa of yours, I was thinking because I need you.
25:11Del, I called for you, mate.
25:12Who is it?
25:12I don't know, someone called Blanco or Bronco or something.
25:15Oh, excuse me, Alan.
25:16It's a very important business associate of mine.
25:20Hey, Del, I'd hurry up if I were you.
25:21Sounds like he's had a skimful.
25:24Excuse me, Alan.
25:27Yeah, Bronco, what is it?
25:29Yeah?
25:30You never know what you've got till it's gone.
25:35Eh?
25:38Yeah, I suppose you're right there, Trigger.
25:40I know how much it can hurt.
25:42I had a relationship break-up a few years ago.
25:45She worked in my council depot.
25:47She was a lady road sweeper?
25:48Oh, no, she was management.
25:50Real high flyer.
25:52You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom.
25:57Linda.
25:58Nice girl.
25:59Had a funny eye.
26:01Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming.
26:04Anyway, she'd heard about this little hotel down near Henley-on-Thames.
26:14And she said to me, how about spending a weekend there?
26:18Yeah, go on.
26:19Go on, Bronco.
26:20Yeah, sorry.
26:21What sort of man are we talking about?
26:23Well, look, I'll have to pop down and see it, won't I, eh?
26:26Yeah.
26:27Yeah?
26:28What?
26:29What happened?
26:31Was it a nice weekend?
26:32Yeah.
26:33At least I thought it was.
26:34But she didn't want to see me no more after it.
26:37Oh, well, I, eh, I don't like to pry, Trigger, but, eh...
26:40No, no, no, no.
26:41It's, eh, it's a bit personal.
26:43Hang on, Bronco.
26:44Trigger, what happened?
26:49She got jealous.
26:51I heard later, through friends, that she wanted a go with me.
26:57I'll have a large scotch, Mike.
27:08Sorry, what do you say, then, Leroy?
27:11Sorry, do what?
27:13Nah, I can't hear you.
27:16You stood a bit of mud and dirt over there, love.
27:18Thank you, Albert.
27:20Pleasure, dear.
27:21Sorry, what do you say, Leroy?
27:23I can't...
27:23Hold on.
27:24Sweetheart, can you switch the J Edgar off?
27:27I'm on the mobile blower.
27:29It's all right, thanks, sweetheart.
27:31Right, now, what were you saying, Leroy?
27:34Eh?
27:35Sorry, I can't hear you.
27:36Can you hear me?
27:37Can you hear me?
27:39Can you hear me now?
27:40Can you hear me now?
27:42Can you hear...
27:43I can't hear you.
27:44Oh, blow this for a game of toy soldiers.
27:47Oh, dear, look, we've been cut off.
27:49He knows what he wanted.
27:51Del, can I ask you something?
27:53Yes, of course you can, sweetheart.
27:54Before I moved into this flat, how did you keep this place clean?
27:58We didn't.
28:00What I'm trying to say is, I seem to spend my whole time hoovering.
28:03Well, take a break.
28:05There's loads of ironing to be done in the kitchen.
28:07For you to say, that's a joke, Trotter.
28:09Otherwise, you'll be drinking that aftershave.
28:12Yes, of course it's a joke, sweetheart.
28:13Tell you what, come on, take a break.
28:15Come on, come and sit down here, put your feet up.
28:17I'll go and put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea.
28:20How about put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea, will you?
28:23Oh, look out, here he comes.
28:25You having lunch, Rodney?
28:26No.
28:27I've just picked up my orders from Alan.
28:29I've got to go and meet Cassandra at the airport.
28:33Oh, by the way, I bumped into Leroy this morning.
28:35He was really upset about some mobile phone or something you sold him.
28:38So I told him to give you a ring.
28:41Oh, oh, yeah.
28:44Yeah, I've got you.
28:45Right, thanks very much, bro.
28:46Yeah.
28:46So you've had a little chat then with Alan?
28:48No, he left a message with his secretary.
28:50He weren't at work today.
28:51He's got some sort of virus.
28:53Of course.
28:53What was he all made to pick Cassandra up for?
28:57I think it's a good idea, give you and Cassandra a chance to have a chat.
29:00I ain't talking to her.
29:01No, she weren't talking to me before she went away, so I ain't talking to her now.
29:05Oh, grow up, Rodney.
29:06It's got nothing to do with you, Raquel.
29:08Or you.
29:09Hey, don't you ever pop at Raquel?
29:11Well, just stay out of my life.
29:16God, dear, oh, dear.
29:17That is one touchy little sod there.
29:19Well, don't be too hard on him.
29:20He's going for a bad patch.
29:23He'll be going through the bloody window if he carries on at this rate.
29:27I'll get it.
29:27No, I'll get it.
29:28You sit here, sweetheart.
29:29I'll go.
29:30Oh, you've gone now.
29:31Oh, it's Raquel.
29:38You look so different, fully clothed.
29:40Well, I suppose I've got to ask you in.
29:43Yes, I want to get away as quick as possible.
29:44I've left the Mercedes park downstairs.
29:46You know what they're like on this estate.
29:48They'd have the wheels off a jumbo if it flew too low.
29:50Go on, then.
29:51Go in.
29:52You're too kind.
29:55Del?
29:55Oh, hello, Boisey.
29:57What do you want?
29:59Oh, dear.
30:00Do I detect an atmosphere in Shade Trotter?
30:02Most probably, Del's heart of shame.
30:06I think I'll go in the kitchen with Rodney.
30:09I suddenly feel rather nauseous.
30:14You've got one in a million there, Del boy.
30:16Yeah, I know.
30:16What can I do for you, Boisey?
30:18Well, Derek, you may have heard that I've recently acquired a rather expensive piece of
30:24electronic hardware, a television satellite aerial receiver.
30:28Yeah, no, I didn't know that.
30:30Oh, yes.
30:30Yes, and I'm not just talking about one of those 150 quid Mickey Mouse jobs you see glued
30:34to the side of reclaimed council houses ruining the beauty of the stone cladding.
30:39I'm talking two grand, high-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication.
30:44Leave it out, Boisey, you're making me jealous.
30:46Yes, you're not the only one, Del.
30:47Yesterday, some get nicked it.
30:50You're kidding.
30:51Yes.
30:51Yes, when I went out in the morning, there it was standing in my back garden when I came
30:55back later.
30:55There it wasn't.
30:57You catch on fast, Del.
30:59Well, what do you want me to do about it?
31:01Well, the word is that a very similar television satellite receiver was seen entering this estate
31:07tied to the back of a lorry.
31:08So, if any of your contacts should offer you an almost new aerial dish, buy it off them
31:15for me as cheap as possible.
31:17Offer them 300.
31:18I'll go to five at a push.
31:20You what?
31:21You want to buy your own property back?
31:23Listen, why don't you go to the gendarmes?
31:25Oh, no.
31:26No, they're very busy people.
31:28In any case, I thought I'd save a bit of time doing it this way, you know what I mean?
31:31Yes, I know what you mean.
31:32All right.
31:33I'll tell you what, Boisey, I'll kick you to the ground.
31:35If I hear anything, I'll give you a bell, all right?
31:36All right.
31:37Goodbye, Raquel.
31:39Glad to see you've settled in so well.
31:42Is your son about 11 years old with a Mohican haircut?
31:44Good God, no.
31:46Well, who's that sitting in your Mercedes?
31:51Who are my teammates that?
31:55Hope he falls down the stairs.
31:58Are you feeling better now?
32:01Yeah.
32:03I'm sorry about just now.
32:05That's all right.
32:06Forget it.
32:06Come on, come on, sit down.
32:07Come on, sit down.
32:09So, what are you going to do?
32:11I don't know.
32:13Do you want your marriage to work?
32:15Yes.
32:16Really?
32:16Honestly?
32:17Really and honestly.
32:20I just want me and Cass to go back to the way we were, you know.
32:23If she wants to pursue a career and has to go to functions and seminars at the bank, then
32:30I don't mind anymore.
32:30No, I really don't.
32:32Well, why don't you tell her that?
32:35It's canapes d'enchoire.
32:38The governor of the Bastille said as the old flames lit round his april.
32:43That is French and it means I gotta do something quick.
32:47If Cassandra had a woman I loved, a woman who said she loved me, now I find myself halfway
32:59between paradise and Nelson Mandela house.
33:02I just wanted to believe that I mean everything I say.
33:08I've tried everything in my power to convince her.
33:12I feel like I've taken a mountain to my home.
33:14He don't need to find...
33:16He's already bloody got one.
33:18I'd better go and see if I can...
33:26Yeah, yeah, go on.
33:37You know why Alan asked you to go and pick Cassandra up at the airport, don't you?
33:42Because you weren't feeling well.
33:43No.
33:46It's because Cassandra and her mum have been sitting round that swimming pool in that villa
33:51of theirs, having exactly the same conversation as we've just had.
33:56She feels exactly the same as you do.
33:59Cassandra?
34:00No, her mum.
34:02Of course, Cassandra.
34:05Really?
34:06Yeah, really.
34:08Listen, have you got any money?
34:10Yeah, I've got money.
34:11Well, not a lot.
34:12No, no.
34:13Listen, I haven't got an idea, right?
34:16Now, I know the manager of this luxury hotel that's right near the airport.
34:22I used to go there during the mating season.
34:26Now, I could give him a bell, right?
34:29Get him to give you the bestest suite in the whole hotel.
34:32Like the four works, right?
34:34So when Cassandra, like, flies in all brown and relaxed,
34:38you could be there with a big bouquet of flowers
34:40and the keys to the honeymoon suite.
34:44A mini honeymoon, eh?
34:4518 months after the first.
34:49Do you really think it could work?
34:50Of course it could.
34:51What?
34:51You and your best whistle, splash of brute?
34:53You'll be home and dry.
34:54Go on, then.
34:57I'm going.
34:57Good boy.
34:58You know it makes sense.
34:59I'll give him a bell now.
35:00Yeah, bell.
35:01What?
35:03You know I said I had some money?
35:05Mm-hmm.
35:05Well, since I started work for Ellen,
35:07I've been doing really well, you know.
35:09I know you've been struggling a bit lately,
35:13so what I'm saying is, if you need it, it's there.
35:21Rodney, you are the jewel in Mum's crown.
35:25No, Rodney, you really are.
35:27Shut up.
35:28No, it's true.
35:30Thank you very much, brother.
35:31I appreciate that.
35:32But as it happens, I'm not doing too bad at the moment.
35:34I'm doing quite well with the old half-price printing.
35:36And I reckon I'm going to pick up a nice bit of bunce
35:39with that thing now.
35:55Good evening, Mr Trotter.
35:56I'm Henry, your concierge.
35:58Your brother phoned and said you would be requiring
36:00our very finest suite.
36:02Complete and utter privacy and a full English breakfast.
36:05Uh, yes, thank you.
36:07Now, as this booking is of an intimate nature,
36:10I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy
36:12if we dealt only in cash.
36:14Oh, uh, yes, right.
36:16That'll be £150, please.
36:18£150!
36:19Yeah, that's nice, of course.
36:25Oh, and there's a special surprise.
36:27Derek has also ordered champagne on ice.
36:29Only the very finest champagne, Derek said.
36:33Money is of no object.
36:34Oh, that was nicer, wasn't it?
36:36That'll be another £70, please.
36:39What?
36:42Well, it can be very, very generous at times, can't it?
36:48I, uh, believe you have a guest joining you.
36:53Uh, yes.
36:56A special evening, is it, sir?
36:58Oh, yeah.
36:59If I'm...
37:00Um, yes.
37:01My wife will be landing at the North Terminal in about an hour.
37:05Oh, I see.
37:07Well, don't worry.
37:08If she should call at the hotel,
37:10I'll say I've never heard of you.
37:11No, you don't understand.
37:14My wife is my guest.
37:15Your wife?
37:16Yeah.
37:18Oh, well, it takes all kinds.
37:21Now, can I order you a bouquet of flowers?
37:24Well, oh, no, my brother got me a bouquet.
37:26They're out in the van...
37:27In the car.
37:28Oh.
37:41Excuse me.
37:52I shouldn't think they'll be arriving until sometime tomorrow.
37:55Miss, excuse me.
37:56I'm very sorry.
37:57Can I help you, sir?
37:58Yeah.
37:59Have you got any idea when flight 475 from Malagu will be arriving?
38:03I'll just check.
38:06That flight should be landing in about ten minutes, sir.
38:09Oh, good.
38:10In Manchester.
38:11I'm afraid it was rerouted.
38:16But I'm waiting for me wife.
38:18I've booked a hotel suite.
38:19I've got a bottle of champagne.
38:21I've spent my eye on 200 quid waiting for this flight.
38:24I'm sorry, sir, but as you can see,
38:26the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment.
38:28Your wife was lucky to take off at all.
38:31Information, can I help you?
38:32The important thing is she landed safely.
38:46Yeah, you see, Manchester.
38:48I mean, so much for my big surprise, eh?
38:50Tonight has cost me nearly 250 quid.
38:54I thought by now me and Cass would be, you know, sat in the honeymoon suite, sipping champagne and having a...
38:59Having a quick look at her holiday snacks.
39:02Do you know how much tonight has cost, mate?
39:06About 250 pounds.
39:07Nearly 250 pounds is cost.
39:10Oh, dear.
39:11Michael, give us a non-alcoholic lager for the stud over there, will you?
39:16What's wrong with him tonight, Del?
39:18Looks like he's just come back from a funeral.
39:20Well, in a manner of speaking, Michael, he has...
39:23It's all rather personal and private, I don't want to say any more,
39:26but sufficient is it to say that
39:28Rodney thought he'd be enjoying the fruits of love this evening.
39:32Instead, he's enjoying a packet of pork scratchings.
39:34Oh, can I have, uh, two large glasses of your finest cognac for Raquel and moi?
39:42Celebrating something, are we?
39:43Well, you could say that, you could say that, Michael.
39:45Even as we speak, I've got 500 smackeroonies winging the way to this public house,
39:49safely tucked up in Boise's inside pocket.
39:51Well, Boise's handing over 500 notes?
39:53What's happened?
39:54He had a whack on the head or something?
39:56Well, you could say that.
39:57It's wheels within wheels, Michael.
39:59Passer pour la tompe, as they say in Nice.
40:02There you go, my son.
40:03And keep the change, all right?
40:05Del, you're 40p short, mate.
40:07Oh, that's all right.
40:07Put it in the charity box, will you?
40:10There you go, sweetie.
40:11Oh, there.
40:12Go on, Ruthie.
40:15Oh, I had such high hopes for tonight.
40:17Yeah, I thought you did, by the way you walked in.
40:20Owen, thank you for ordering that champagne, Bill.
40:24It's all right, bruv.
40:24It's all right.
40:25What's the best, I hope?
40:26Yes, 70 quid's worth.
40:28Well, there you are.
40:29That's it.
40:29Nothing but the best for a lady like Cassandra.
40:31Pity she's in Manchester, isn't it?
40:34Yes, it is.
40:36Stuart, you can talk to her tomorrow.
40:37She'll know you went out to the airport to meet her.
40:39Her dad'll tell her.
40:40Hmm.
40:40Yeah.
40:41Yeah, I made the gesture, eh?
40:42That's what counts.
40:43Of course you did.
40:44You'll thank me for this, my son, later on.
40:46I bet you will.
40:47Cassandra's up north.
40:49Yeah, I know.
40:50Where'd you know?
40:51She just phoned from Manchester airport.
40:53Wanted you to know she's safe and not to worry.
40:56Where'd you say Rodney was?
40:57I said he was spending the night in some hotel.
41:01Did you say which hotel?
41:04I couldn't remember its name.
41:06So I got over the phone number.
41:08But you told her I'd gone to meet her at the airport.
41:10Of course not.
41:11It was supposed to be a surprise.
41:15You scarierty old kid!
41:17She'll find a hotel to find out I've booked a honeymoon suite in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter.
41:22And she'll think that Rodney's gone queso with some tart.
41:25God, dear.
41:27I don't know how you're going to chat your way out of this one, Rodney.
41:30If you hadn't suggested booking the hotel room, none of this would have happened.
41:34Wait a minute.
41:35It was your hormones on turbo, not mine.
41:38You should just find me.
41:40Phone Alan.
41:41He's bound to speak to us soon, so he can explain.
41:43Yeah, right.
41:44Good idea.
41:45I'll go back to the flat and I'll phone you.
41:46No need, no need.
41:47You can use my mobile.
41:49Second thoughts.
41:49Better go back to the flat.
41:50Give me a lift back, Rodney.
41:52Hurry up.
41:53Are you coming?
41:54Me?
41:54No, no.
41:54I've got to wait here for me money.
41:56Oh, hmm.
41:57I'm talking to devil.
42:00All right, Boisey.
42:02All right, Boisey.
42:03Don't hand the money over here in full view.
42:07I hear that intensive care is an order.
42:09It's cracked up to me.
42:10You're in no danger whatsoever, Del boy.
42:13I ain't handing you a penny.
42:15What are you talking about, Boisey?
42:17I got your stat-like dish back for you, didn't I?
42:19Oh, no, you didn't, Del.
42:21At this very moment in time, my sat-like dish is sitting in my back garden,
42:24picking up a very exciting episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki.
42:29You said it'd been nicked.
42:30Yes, that's what I thought.
42:32However, I discovered this evening that while Marlene and I were out for the day,
42:35the engineers took it away for a pair.
42:38Well, whose is that thing that I've got on my balcony?
42:41Oh, I don't know, Del.
42:41Oh, and to be perfectly honest, I couldn't give a monkey's toss.
42:45Is something wrong with this thing?
42:54Come on, Alan, answer.
42:56I can't find anyone called Bronco on your address book.
42:59It wouldn't make much difference if you did, because he moved a little while ago.
43:03There are a lot of women in here.
43:04Oh, yeah, they're business associates of mine.
43:08Why have you put stars by some of their names?
43:11I don't know, I can't remember now.
43:13It's a long time ago.
43:14Let me have a look, can I?
43:15Yeah, thanks.
43:19He's not him.
43:21He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra.
43:23And she will tell him I've booked into a hotel with another woman,
43:26he will fire me, she will divorce me,
43:28and it's all your fault.
43:29And yours...
43:30Oh, shut up, you tart.
43:31I've got problems of me own.
43:34Yeah, so have I.
43:35I just cannot get a picture from your satellite dish.
43:38Will you stop messing about with that television?
43:41I've got to find out where Bronco lives
43:44to find out where he got that satellite dish from.
43:46I thought you said he gave you his card.
43:49He did, and I filed it behind Boyce's Geraniums.
43:52Only that airport hadn't been in such a mess.
43:55And Cassandra's plane would have landed safely
43:57and everything would have been great.
43:58I bet you said Mayor Traffic Control
44:00has gone on strike in France again.
44:02That's it.
44:04That's it, Rodney, that is it.
44:06That's where Bronco lives.
44:08France?
44:08No, no, it's Gatwick.
44:10A little bed and breakfast hotel in Gatwick.
44:13But you can't remember what it was called?
44:14No, no, no, no.
44:15All I remember was it was named after somebody famous.
44:18Oh, well, that narrows it down, doesn't it, then?
44:21Uncle, would you pop into my room
44:23and get my 37 volumes of famous historical characters, please?
44:27Well, we'll soon have this one sorted out, they'll, eh?
44:29Don't you get sarky with me, Rodney.
44:32It was named after someone famous.
44:33Famous painter.
44:34That's what it was.
44:35There you are.
44:36All right, come on, Bamba.
44:37That's your start of a ten.
44:38Away you go.
44:39Go on.
44:39All right, famous painter.
44:42Michelangelo?
44:43No.
44:44Rembrandt?
44:45Picasso?
44:46No, no, no.
44:47Rubens?
44:47Van Gogh?
44:48No.
44:49Botticelli?
44:51No.
44:52Turner?
44:53No, no.
44:53It was a famous French painter.
44:55French?
44:55Why didn't you say it was French?
44:56Well, I just said so, didn't I?
44:58Bloody hell.
44:59Monet?
44:59No.
45:00Monet?
45:01No, she just said that.
45:03She said Monet.
45:04I know, that's what she just said.
45:05Pay attention, Rodney, will you?
45:07Adolf Hitler used to be a painter.
45:10But look, how long has he been French?
45:12And who in their right minds would call a hotel the Hotel Hitler?
45:18Famous French painter.
45:20Lautrec?
45:21No.
45:22Renoir?
45:23No, French.
45:25Degas?
45:26Baudin?
45:27Pissarro?
45:28Surat?
45:28Tissot?
45:30No.
45:31Schubert?
45:33Schubert?
45:35Schubert, you soppy old geats.
45:38That's it.
45:39He's got it.
45:41The Hotel Schubert.
45:43Schubert?
45:43Yes, well done, Ankh.
45:45There you are, you see.
45:46Look at you.
45:47Look at all these GCEs,
45:48and it takes an old sea dog to come up with the answer.
45:51Schubert weren't French.
45:53No?
45:53No, and he weren't a painter.
45:55Well, he should have been.
45:57Look, here it is.
45:58Here it is.
45:58I've got it.
45:58Look, there it is.
45:59Schubert was a German composer.
46:02Austrian, actually.
46:03Oh, you mean you knew?
46:05Oi, Albert, how did you know about Schubert?
46:07Oi, Oi, Oi.
46:07What do you mind?
46:08Look, I'm trying to get on the blower, aren't I?
46:10Hello?
46:11Oh, good evening.
46:11Can I speak to Mr Lane, please?
46:15Shall we just forget about the satellite dish?
46:17Watch the ordinary telly.
46:18Yeah, seven years, don't I?
46:20There might be some report about the ecological destruction of our planet.
46:24Anything to cheer me up?
46:26Ah, Bronco.
46:27Hello.
46:28How are you, sands?
46:29Dole boy.
46:30Oh, right, listen.
46:31Listen to me.
46:31Now, tell me something.
46:32I want to know.
46:34Where did you get that satellite dish from?
46:38Sorry?
46:40What are you apologising for?
46:42It's all right.
46:42All right, all right, don't worry.
46:44All right, so you was desperate and you had a funny turn.
46:46You know, I can understand that.
46:48I've had Rodney living back with us.
46:51You know what?
46:52You know, of course I know what it is.
46:54It's a satellite receiver dish, isn't it?
46:56Eh?
46:58What do you mean that's what you're for?
47:00Hmm.
47:02Bronco, why are you crying?
47:03What is it, then?
47:07Where did you get it from?
47:13Oh, my God.
47:15Oh, hell's bloody bells.
47:19So where did he get it from?
47:20He didn't say.
47:21Joe?
47:23What?
47:24Come and have a look.
47:25What?
47:26What is it?
47:27Turn it up.
47:27Turn it up.
47:29The radar transmitter dish, similar to the one shown here, was stolen from the end of Gatwick
47:34Airport's main runway during the early hours of yesterday morning.
47:38The theft brought Gatwick Airport to a complete standstill.
47:43It has caused chaos throughout Europe and left thousands of returning holidaymakers stranded.
47:48In time, the Prime Minister...
47:50What caused that?
47:53You've brought Europe, a whole continent, to a standstill.
47:57I didn't mean to.
48:06That's why Cassandra's plane had to land in Manchester.
48:10That's why she's stuck up there instead of being in my honeymoon bed.
48:13That is why my marriage is all but bloody over.
48:16No, listen, Rodney, you know, haven't you ever made a mistake?
48:19I mean, you thought it was a statalite aerial dish and all, didn't you?
48:22Don't you include me in this.
48:23No, look, listen, come on, I'll show it to you.
48:25It looks like one, doesn't it?
48:26Look, just come and have a...
48:28Look, there it is, look.
48:29Don't...
48:29All right, all right.
48:30Don't worry, look.
48:31I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:33And then I...
48:34Oh, my God!
48:35Shit!
48:36I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:41I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:42I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:43I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:45I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:45I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:46I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:47I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:48I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:49I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:50I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:51I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:52I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:53I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:54I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:55I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:56I'll take it back first thing in the morning.