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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:00:10Cause if you are the best
00:00:13But you don't ask questions
00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:00:24And the tides of the sea
00:00:26But is the one who's driving me berserk
00:00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:00:33La-la-la-la
00:00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:00:37La-la-la-la-la
00:00:38Merry Christmas
00:00:39Everybody's not in love
00:00:43Come to the future now
00:00:47It's like the dream you're young
00:00:51So here it is
00:00:56Merry Christmas
00:00:57Everybody's not in love
00:01:01Look to the future now
00:01:05It's like the dream you're young
00:01:10So here it is
00:01:14Merry Christmas
00:01:16Merry Christmas
00:01:17Everybody's not in love
00:01:19It's like the dream you're young
00:01:23It's like the dream you're young
00:01:27Oh God
00:01:40Oh God, not another day.
00:01:55What time is it?
00:01:57It's time for us to emigrate.
00:01:59Or at least discuss the advantages of a suicide pact.
00:02:03How are we feeling this morning?
00:02:05Oh great. How else could I feel?
00:02:07I'm 31 years of age and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders.
00:02:12A lot of people would give their right arm to be in your position.
00:02:15Oh, I know.
00:02:16They're all tucked up safe and sound in their padded cells.
00:02:20At least you seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday.
00:02:23You should come round to Trotter Towers with me one morning, Cash.
00:02:27You need to give Terry Waite the shakes.
00:02:31I mean, you can't move for teething rings, farly rusts and funny smells.
00:02:36It's like Nightmare on Sesame Street.
00:02:39Raquel's got postnatal depression.
00:02:42Albert's got post-naval depression.
00:02:45And Damien keeps chucking toys at my head.
00:02:48You big baby. They're only fluffy dolls.
00:02:51Yeah, I know.
00:02:52Del's bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas.
00:02:55How is Del now?
00:02:57Oh, he's still putting a brave face on it, you know.
00:03:00Laughing and joking all the time.
00:03:03He's worrying the life out of me.
00:03:05I mean, we haven't bought or sold a thing in months
00:03:08and he's running around like Ken Dodd on ecstasy.
00:03:11Laughing
00:03:13Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's just a recession, eh?
00:03:16We're broke. He won't admit it.
00:03:18There's a lot of people in the same boat.
00:03:20Well, you're doing all right.
00:03:22What does that mean?
00:03:23Well, you've got your promotion at the bank, haven't you?
00:03:26I'm in charge of small business investment at our Peckham branch.
00:03:30It's hardly the house of Elliot, is it?
00:03:32If she does something, I'm just me.
00:03:36You'll do for me, big boy.
00:03:40I'd better make the coffee.
00:03:47Oh, stay here a while.
00:03:51You know what I'd like to do?
00:03:53No.
00:03:55I'd like us to go away for a weekend.
00:03:58Somewhere really nice. Just the two of us.
00:04:01I know we can't afford it at the moment,
00:04:03but I get a bonus at the end of the year,
00:04:05so maybe they'll eat.
00:04:07Yeah.
00:04:09Look, I'm sorry, Case.
00:04:11I've been feeling down.
00:04:13A bit pressurised, you know.
00:04:15That's why I've been, well,
00:04:17a bit lacking in certain areas recently.
00:04:19I understand.
00:04:21That's why I want us to go away.
00:04:24So you can relax.
00:04:26Is that nice?
00:04:28Yeah, that is really good.
00:04:30Don't answer it.
00:04:32Why not?
00:04:33It's Del.
00:04:34How do you know?
00:04:35That's his ring.
00:04:36It's seven o'clock in the morning.
00:04:37Seven o'clock?
00:04:38That don't matter to Del, does it?
00:04:39Sleeps for wince, remember?
00:04:41Well, it could be Mummy.
00:04:42I mean, she might be ill for all we know.
00:04:44Still don't answer it.
00:04:46Oh, don't be ridiculous.
00:04:48Hello?
00:04:49Morning, Del.
00:04:51I left five minutes ago.
00:04:54No, he left about five minutes ago.
00:04:56Hmm.
00:04:57Yeah.
00:04:58Well, I know he's your brother.
00:05:01I know that Rodney's worried about you as well.
00:05:04Look, it happens to a lot of men when they're under stress.
00:05:08I don't believe him.
00:05:11Well, aren't you the lucky one?
00:05:14Have I got a what?
00:05:17No, I haven't.
00:05:18And I wouldn't know where to get one.
00:05:20Tell him the money's own bloody...
00:05:21Rodney's just popped back.
00:05:26No, he's left again.
00:05:28Yeah.
00:05:29All right.
00:05:30Well, yeah.
00:05:31Thanks, Del.
00:05:32Bonjour.
00:05:33Bye.
00:05:37Toast of marmalade?
00:05:51Hello.
00:05:52Rodney.
00:05:53Any tea in the pot?
00:05:54Yeah.
00:05:55Plenty.
00:05:57There you are, darling.
00:05:58Oh.
00:05:59Oh.
00:06:00Oh.
00:06:01Oh.
00:06:02Oh.
00:06:03Oh.
00:06:04Oh.
00:06:05Oh.
00:06:06Oh.
00:06:07Oh.
00:06:08Oh.
00:06:09Oh.
00:06:10Oh.
00:06:11Oh.
00:06:12Oh.
00:06:13Oh.
00:06:14Oh.
00:06:15Oh.
00:06:16Oh.
00:06:17Oh.
00:06:18Oh.
00:06:19Oh.
00:06:20Oh.
00:06:21Oh.
00:06:22Oh.
00:06:23Oh.
00:06:24Oh.
00:06:25Oh.
00:06:26Oh.
00:06:27Oh.
00:06:28Oh.
00:06:29Oh.
00:06:30Oh.
00:06:31Oh.
00:06:32Oh.
00:06:33Oh.
00:06:34Oh.
00:06:35Oh.
00:06:36Oh.
00:06:37Oh.
00:06:38Oh.
00:06:39Oh.
00:06:40Oh.
00:06:41Oh.
00:06:42Oh.
00:06:43Oh.
00:06:44Oh.
00:06:45Oh.
00:06:46Oh.
00:06:47Oh.
00:06:48Oh.
00:06:49Oh.
00:06:50Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?
00:06:54When I was your age, I was fighting in the water.
00:06:56Well, then you must have made more bloody noise than me then, didn't you?
00:07:07Hello, soldier.
00:07:08How are you?
00:07:10You're a little cracker, aren't you, eh?
00:07:13Oh, Ruthers, I can't imagine this flat without Damien, can you?
00:07:17No.
00:07:18Little devil.
00:07:20You all right, Rodney?
00:07:22Yeah, fine.
00:07:22No, I mean, you all right?
00:07:27Yes, everything's all right.
00:07:29That's all right, then.
00:07:30Why, what's wrong, then?
00:07:31No, nothing, sweetheart.
00:07:32Everything is cushy between Rodders and Cassandra, ain't it, Rodney, eh?
00:07:36Just a little bit of stress.
00:07:39This can happen to any man.
00:07:41I just happen to be a bit, well, lucky, that's all.
00:07:44Go and do us a bit of breakfast, will you, sweetheart?
00:07:46Do you?
00:07:47Don't you think I've got enough to do?
00:07:48I've got the baby to feed and clean.
00:07:50I've got the old man of the sea there moaning because his egg was running.
00:07:53I've got the beds to make, hoovering to do, washing and ironing to do,
00:07:56and I finish all that just in time to cook dinner.
00:07:59Do it yourself, Trotter.
00:08:00Albert, you can feed the baby.
00:08:02Well, I don't know what's the matter with her.
00:08:09Really, I don't.
00:08:11I keep asking her, but she won't tell me.
00:08:14Oh, come on.
00:08:16I don't know.
00:08:17I mean, what more does she want?
00:08:22She's got a nice home.
00:08:24Lovely little baby.
00:08:27Couldn't ask for a better bloke than me, could she?
00:08:29No.
00:08:30No.
00:08:31Is she happy?
00:08:33No, she is not.
00:08:35I don't know, Rodney.
00:08:36I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours of the morning,
00:08:40trying to win us some money.
00:08:41Well, if she knew how much I owed them,
00:08:44she'd realise how hard I've been trying.
00:08:49Doesn't seem to be happy with anything these days.
00:08:52Del, maybe it's these days that are the problem.
00:08:55None of us have got any money.
00:08:56There's nothing for her to look forward to.
00:08:58Just a daily round of washing and ironing and toil and boredom.
00:09:02Well, you've got to take the rougher to smooth, haven't you, Rodney, eh?
00:09:05Well, I'll tell you this much, bruv,
00:09:06it's going to get a lot rougher before the end of the year.
00:09:09All right, Del, let's have this out in the open.
00:09:11I want the truth this time.
00:09:13Something's going on, and I've got a right to know what.
00:09:15No, everything's all right, Rodney.
00:09:18I mean, we've got no money, no business,
00:09:20and our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operator's.
00:09:25But no, everything's cushy.
00:09:27Oh, there's something else, Del.
00:09:28I noticed it a little while ago.
00:09:30You've lost that sort of zip.
00:09:33The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a false nine gale.
00:09:37They used to say if Del Boy fell into a viper's pit,
00:09:40you come up wearing snakeskin shoes.
00:09:43You seem to have lost something.
00:09:45It's like you're carrying some sort of burden.
00:09:48Maybe that's affecting Raquel, because it has certainly affected me.
00:09:52I ain't taking the blame for that thing.
00:09:54Well, you shut up.
00:09:54Now, look, Derek, if you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to...
00:10:01Well, I don't know what I'm going to do.
00:10:05I just think it's fair I should know.
00:10:06No, you're right, Rodney.
00:10:11I can't keep anything from you, can I, brother?
00:10:14Do you remember, what, a couple of years ago,
00:10:17I applied to the council to buy this flat?
00:10:20Well, what with the local council elections and the strike and all that,
00:10:23got put to one side, and I forgot all about it.
00:10:25That was until a couple of days ago.
00:10:28Then right out of the blue, all me paperwork has come through.
00:10:30I own this flat.
00:10:36Oh, bloody hell.
00:10:38Watch.
00:10:39I've worked it out.
00:10:41The mortgage is two and a half times the rent,
00:10:44and I can't afford the rent.
00:10:47That's what's upset Raquel.
00:10:48No, she don't know about it. I haven't told her yet.
00:10:51Tell her what else comes with this flat.
00:10:53Do you remember Grandad's old allotment?
00:10:55Oh, not that.
00:10:56Yeah, that.
00:10:57I mean, what do I want with an allotment?
00:10:59Oh, blimey.
00:10:59No-one's even been near it for yonks.
00:11:02In the last 30 years,
00:11:03more people have walked on the moon than they have on that allotment.
00:11:07Honestly, an allotment.
00:11:10That makes you sick, doesn't it, eh?
00:11:12I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria.
00:11:18Neil.
00:11:22Oh, Neil's son, please breakfast all over me.
00:11:26What a surprise.
00:11:28Come here.
00:11:29I'll feed him.
00:11:35What the hell's taking him to have a nap?
00:11:38Puts you right off, doesn't it, eh?
00:11:39Nothing worse than wheat or bixing a beard, is it?
00:11:42Sauce?
00:11:57It's all going right down the tubes, Rodney.
00:11:59I've got to get some money from somewhere.
00:12:01It's getting on top of me, bruv.
00:12:03I'm cracking up.
00:12:04Thanks, bruv.
00:12:05Hmm.
00:12:06All right, Dom.
00:12:08Come and have a sit down and listen to me.
00:12:10What?
00:12:11Well, there was this bloke, Osten, a few years back at my evening school.
00:12:14He reminded me of you in many ways.
00:12:15What?
00:12:16Yeah.
00:12:16He was a really bright, dynamic, go-ahead sort of bloke, you know?
00:12:20But like I say, in other ways, he reminded me of you.
00:12:24He was the kind who'd take a gamble, you know, weren't frightened of living on the edge.
00:12:28Anyway, a couple of years ago, he found the very thing you're always looking for, a gap in the market.
00:12:33Yeah.
00:12:34A gap in a warehouse door would suit me at the moment.
00:12:37Miles, his name was.
00:12:38Miles?
00:12:39Yeah, bit of a friend of the earth, you know, liked all that natural food.
00:12:42Even grew his own vegetables.
00:12:44Yeah, he certainly sounds the dynamic sort.
00:12:47Oh, no, don't knock it.
00:12:47There was a massive market.
00:12:49More and more people are turning to health food for, well, for the real.
00:12:54Anyway, what Miles noticed was, right, if he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser,
00:12:59he had to go to a specialist garden centre or a small holding or something, right?
00:13:02But then, if he wanted some organic vegetables, he had to go to a health food shop, right?
00:13:08So he hit upon the idea of combining the two entities.
00:13:11Oh.
00:13:12One centre, where you can buy all your natural fertiliser and your health food.
00:13:16Oh.
00:13:17Well, he now owns four of these places, Phil.
00:13:19And next month, he's opening up a new one in Maidenhead.
00:13:21In Maidenhead.
00:13:22Oh, no, yeah.
00:13:23In two and a half years, he has become a millionaire.
00:13:29Millionaire?
00:13:30At least.
00:13:31And?
00:13:33Then what?
00:13:34Oh.
00:13:36What's in it for us?
00:13:38Oh, yeah.
00:13:38Well, me and Cassie go shopping there sometimes.
00:13:40Because she likes all that natural food.
00:13:41Oh, no, no, no.
00:13:42I'm not talking about all that.
00:13:43I'm just saying, you know.
00:13:45Where do we come in?
00:13:48Nowhere.
00:13:52What did you tell me for, then?
00:13:55Well, I just wanted to point out that even in these dark days of recession, some people are doing well.
00:13:59So, it was just a nice little story, then, was it?
00:14:02Yeah.
00:14:08That's like the parable of the lucky git.
00:14:10Well, that's cheered me right up, that, eh?
00:14:15I've got to go and tell Raquel this one, yeah.
00:14:19Raquel?
00:14:20Raquel, you've got to come out here and listen to Rodney's story about some mush who's doing really, really well.
00:14:24Oh, yeah, he's made a couple of million, apparently.
00:14:27Well, it's warm, the cockles of my heart, sweetheart.
00:14:30Oh, yes.
00:14:31Well, I'm just going to punch Rodney on the nose and then I'm off out.
00:14:35Oh, dear.
00:14:37Wish I'd kept my mouth shut now.
00:14:40Where are you going today, darling?
00:14:44I don't know, sweetheart.
00:14:46You know, I'll move to about a bit, see if I can make this a bit poppy.
00:14:48I've got a much better idea.
00:14:49Yeah?
00:14:50Why don't you go down and sort out your allotment?
00:14:54This arrived this morning from the council.
00:14:57It's a summons.
00:14:58A summons?
00:14:59Mm.
00:15:00Apparently, people have been dumping rubbish on your allotment.
00:15:03It's now considered to be an environmental health hazard.
00:15:07They've given you two weeks to clear it up or you've got to appear in court.
00:15:10They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence.
00:15:14Oh, well, there's a thing, isn't it, eh?
00:15:16Are you going to tell me what the hell's happening or I've got to starve it out of you?
00:15:19Well, you've sort of spoiled the moment now, sweetheart.
00:15:22Because I was going to tell you tonight.
00:15:24Tell me what.
00:15:25I'll tell you tonight.
00:15:26Now.
00:15:27It's about the flat.
00:15:29What about the flat?
00:15:32It's ours.
00:15:34I've bought it.
00:15:35Oh, good.
00:15:51Oh, I thought you'd be happy, Donny.
00:15:52I'll go and get a bottle of champagne to celebrate.
00:15:54Not for me, Derek.
00:15:55I feel lightheaded already.
00:15:57Well, here we are, Donny.
00:15:58We've bought our own home.
00:15:59It's ours.
00:16:00We could do what we like with it.
00:16:01Like what?
00:16:02Add a conservatory or a nice patio?
00:16:05At least we've got a roof over our heads.
00:16:06And 14 other families.
00:16:10I'm going to change the baby's nappy.
00:16:12I think she's really excited about it.
00:16:22Well, who wouldn't be?
00:16:24Yeah.
00:16:25Well, you know, I'll go and calm her down a bit.
00:16:28Oh, you're all right, sweetheart.
00:16:35All right, Ratiel.
00:16:36All right.
00:16:38Listen, I don't blame you for having the rats.
00:16:41I mean, the way things are, it's enough to give Harry Seatum the ump.
00:16:43But you know me.
00:16:44I'll bounce back again.
00:16:45Soon have some cash on the it.
00:16:46Is that what you think this is all about, Del?
00:16:48Money?
00:16:49Well, what is it, Bernard?
00:16:50God, haven't you noticed, Derek, that I haven't been out of this flat for months?
00:16:54Well, have you go shopping three times a week?
00:16:55I've got a problem with shopping, I've been going out.
00:16:58And there's another thing, Del.
00:17:00Last year, I decorated our baby's room.
00:17:02Yes, I know.
00:17:02A blinding job you made of it, too, sweetheart.
00:17:05You went out and got a piece of carpet.
00:17:07It didn't fit, but...
00:17:08Yeah, I know.
00:17:08I'm still on the lookout for that.
00:17:09And our baby had his own little room.
00:17:11Warm, cosy, safe.
00:17:13Then three months ago, you evicted Damien,
00:17:15moved him in with us,
00:17:16and filled his lovely little room with all your old junk.
00:17:19Junk?
00:17:19Junk?
00:17:20That is not junk, Ratiel.
00:17:21That is my stock.
00:17:22Your stock, old junk, same thing.
00:17:24Look, Ratiel, you don't seem to understand.
00:17:27Don't you remember
00:17:28that someone broke into the garage
00:17:29and nicked off my junk?
00:17:31It's the lock.
00:17:32That's why I had to bring the rest of it up here
00:17:33for its own protection.
00:17:34Oh, Del.
00:17:36Hasn't it dawned on you yet?
00:17:38All you have in that room
00:17:39is what the thieves left behind.
00:17:43How the hell do you hope to sell it
00:17:45when the burglars wouldn't take it for free?
00:17:46150, Bross LPs.
00:17:58I know.
00:17:58Well, fashion changes so fast in the pop world,
00:18:01I was taken unawares.
00:18:03275, free Nelson Mandela T-shirts.
00:18:08I know.
00:18:09Look, I bought these on the Thursday evening.
00:18:10By Saturday morning, he was out on parole.
00:18:13How was I to know that, eh?
00:18:15Daddy?
00:18:20Charles and Di wedding plates.
00:18:24Nothing that a good sorting out wouldn't cure.
00:18:28A nine-carat identity bracelet
00:18:30inscribed with name Gary.
00:18:33We've got a box full of men's wigs
00:18:35that you bought before Damien was born.
00:18:3850 pirated versions of the Poseidon adventure.
00:18:42All on Betamax.
00:18:43200 litres of Romanian Riesling.
00:18:50Clear, Caldell.
00:18:51Dump it with the rest of the rubbish on your allotment.
00:18:53Just clear the room out
00:18:54and give it back to our baby.
00:18:55Yes, but who's to say that
00:18:56I won't sell all this tomorrow?
00:19:00What are the chances of your bumping into
00:19:01a bald-headed, anti-apartheid,
00:19:03deep-sea-diving Bross fan
00:19:05who has a Betamax video recorder
00:19:07likes Romanian Riesling
00:19:08and whose name is Gary?
00:19:15All right, I'll clear it out first thing in the morning.
00:19:17That would cheer me up, Del, really.
00:19:19I'll be a happy woman again.
00:19:20Promise.
00:19:22Yeah.
00:19:22You wait till you see our mortgage.
00:19:24Oh.
00:19:30Dear Lord,
00:19:31please let me prove to you
00:19:33that wealth won't spoil me.
00:19:39Raquel said we had to help you clear this rain now.
00:19:40Oh, yes, that's right, brothers.
00:19:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:19:42So we're going to clear all this out, you know,
00:19:43get rid of it, make a clean start.
00:19:45You're not getting rid of the wine, are you?
00:19:47You could flop that to Mike at the night's age.
00:19:49No, I can't, Rodney.
00:19:50He's a very good friend.
00:19:51And he's tasted it.
00:19:52Yeah, and he's tasted it.
00:19:56What did you buy that thing for?
00:19:58It was a surprise present for you
00:20:00so you could go down and visit all the ships that you sailed in.
00:20:08No, I read in one of them Sunday supplements somewhere
00:20:10that diving was all to go with the uppies.
00:20:13Oh, they meant scuba.
00:20:14Huh?
00:20:16Can't matter.
00:20:17Oh, no.
00:20:18Seems to shame to throw it all away.
00:20:20Yeah, well, what else can I do with it?
00:20:21We can't put it in a garage.
00:20:22It ain't safe, is it?
00:20:24What about Grandad's shed?
00:20:25Oh, what shed?
00:20:26One on his allotment.
00:20:27Well, your allotment, then.
00:20:29Yeah, his old shed.
00:20:30You're right, brothers.
00:20:31We could bug it all the way there.
00:20:32Good thinking, Rodney.
00:20:33Right, tell you what we'll do.
00:20:35I'll go downstairs, open the van door.
00:20:37You two bring all this stuff down.
00:20:39Well, what do you reckon?
00:21:00What do I reckon?
00:21:02The last time I saw a place like this was in that film,
00:21:04Gorillaz in the Mist.
00:21:05It's a jungle.
00:21:09Who knows what lives in there?
00:21:12Gil?
00:21:12Gordon!
00:21:14God, will you stop doing that?
00:21:15You nearly gave me a connery.
00:21:18God, could have sworn us all the blowpipe and the poison dart.
00:21:22Have you seen all that rubbish that's been dumped round there?
00:21:27This is ruining my zoo, is it?
00:21:30God, look at this lot.
00:21:32Dear, what are these drums doing?
00:21:35I don't know.
00:21:36But they're full.
00:21:37Eh?
00:21:37Oh, I don't know what's in them.
00:21:39There's one open here.
00:21:41Some sort of yellow stuff.
00:21:44God, blimey, smell that.
00:21:48God, dear, what is that?
00:21:50I don't know.
00:21:51But it could be toxic.
00:21:52Yeah.
00:21:53Could be bloody poisonous and all.
00:21:55Oh, boy!
00:22:00Dave!
00:22:02Don't fancy coming to sweep this lot up for us, do you?
00:22:05I'm not a road sweeper anymore.
00:22:06Oh?
00:22:07What are you now, then?
00:22:08A p. I'm not sure you're not.
00:22:10I'm an environmental hygienist.
00:22:12And what do they do when they're at home?
00:22:14Well, they sweep the roads.
00:22:16But the council have upgraded me.
00:22:21Yeah, perhaps Trigger knows what this is.
00:22:23This is game, isn't it?
00:22:25Oh, leave it out, Albert.
00:22:27Trigger couldn't find his way out of a telephone box.
00:22:29He'll come across it on his rounds.
00:22:32Have a look, Trigger.
00:22:38It's some sort of yellow stuff.
00:22:43You were bloody right, Albert.
00:22:44He's got it spot on.
00:22:46No hesitation, was there?
00:22:48I'll tell you, you have got to get rid of this stuff, and fast.
00:22:51This is the environmental health hazard that the council was talking about.
00:22:55Oh, well, then we'll pour it down a drain, then.
00:22:58You can't pour it down a public sewer.
00:23:00It might be volatile.
00:23:01You could end up with sh...
00:23:03You could create a disaster area.
00:23:06There's a 24-hour waste disposal depot down Stamford Road.
00:23:10Drop them off down there.
00:23:11Yeah, that's a good idea.
00:23:12Thanks, Trig.
00:23:14There you are.
00:23:15Right, we can get these in the back of the van, can't we, Rodney?
00:23:17No.
00:23:21Well, how am I going to get rid of them, then?
00:23:23Go on, boys!
00:23:30Rodney!
00:23:34Denzel.
00:23:38Let's get these drums in the back of your van.
00:23:41Hey, hang on, not so fast.
00:23:44What are these things?
00:23:45It's nothing to worry about.
00:23:48It's just, you know, some gunge.
00:23:51Gunge?
00:23:52What sort of gunge?
00:23:54What do you mean, what sort of gunge?
00:23:56Gunge is gunge, isn't it?
00:23:58Hang on, Trig.
00:24:00For all we know, this could be anything.
00:24:01I mean, it could be, it could be Concorde fuel.
00:24:04No, it's not Concorde fuel.
00:24:08It's Antifreeze out of the Starship Enterprise.
00:24:11Can't stop the bloody fuel.
00:24:13There'll be battery acid out of Thunderbirds 3 next.
00:24:16What?
00:24:17Look.
00:24:17Do you want this contract or not?
00:24:21Because I am a busy man, right?
00:24:22I've got things to do, haven't I?
00:24:24Right?
00:24:25But how can we be certain that this stuff isn't dangerous?
00:24:28Because it is not, and that is the truth.
00:24:32God, dear.
00:24:34There you are.
00:24:35You've heard it from the horse's mouth now.
00:24:36You get that in.
00:24:37What do you mean I've heard it from the horse's mouth?
00:24:40That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein.
00:24:43Denzel knows what he's talking about.
00:24:45And I don't see what a Beatles manager's got to do with it anyway.
00:24:49What should you?
00:24:52What?
00:24:53When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry.
00:24:57He used to sell homemade fireworks.
00:24:59He even blew up the science lab once.
00:25:01Yes, I remember.
00:25:03I was doing detention in there at the time.
00:25:06You say you don't know what he's talking about.
00:25:08Right, that's it, Del.
00:25:09I am not touching them.
00:25:10I'm off.
00:25:11Denzel, now believe me, it's harmless.
00:25:14And to prove it, I'm going to help you carry it.
00:25:16Look, I can't say fair in the neck, can I?
00:25:19Look, they can't be dangerous, Denzel.
00:25:21How can you be sure?
00:25:23Because Del's just offered to help us carry them.
00:25:29Yeah, all right, Treg, all right.
00:25:30Lovely, lovely.
00:25:54It's closed.
00:25:56What do you mean it's a bit late?
00:26:03You said it was open 24 hours a day.
00:26:06Yeah, but not at night.
00:26:13Hey.
00:26:15So what do we do now?
00:26:16We've got 6,000 gallons of something in the back of my van.
00:26:21We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.
00:26:26Is it open?
00:26:27No.
00:26:29Well, what's the point in taking it to your depot if that's not open either?
00:26:33Well, it soon will be open.
00:26:35I've got a spare set of keys here.
00:26:38I love you, Del.
00:26:40Are you sure this is all right?
00:26:42Well, who cares?
00:26:43Yeah, no problems.
00:26:45Come on, back up.
00:26:45You're all right behind, Denzel.
00:26:47I mean, is it legal?
00:26:48Yes!
00:26:50Let's just mess up with you, Denzel.
00:26:52Don't mean it's bloody hot in here.
00:26:56I can't see the fascination with this diving lock.
00:27:11There you are.
00:27:13Now, aren't you glad you listened to me tonight?
00:27:16Hmm?
00:27:16These are austere times, Denzel.
00:27:20If it hadn't been for my persuasion, you would have lost the contract tonight.
00:27:23Yeah, I suppose you're right.
00:27:25No, suppose so about it.
00:27:27Right.
00:27:27That's 50 quid I owe you.
00:27:30Only what?
00:27:32I'm not going to ask you to do this as a favour for me, no matter how much you want to.
00:27:36Yeah, but I know you...
00:27:36No, no, no, no.
00:27:37Don't try and persuade me, Denzel, because you're just going to waste your breath.
00:27:41I'm going to see you for that money and no arguments.
00:27:44He'd do anything for anyone, this bloke, wouldn't he, eh?
00:27:47That's what mates are all about, isn't he?
00:27:48Of course it is.
00:27:50Gets you right here, doesn't it?
00:27:52Well, down in my book, Denzel.
00:27:54Well, shan't forget tonight.
00:27:59Say, man.
00:28:05Thanks for everything.
00:28:07See you, Denzel.
00:28:07See you, Trig.
00:28:08Good night, Denzel.
00:28:10See you.
00:28:24What's this?
00:28:26I don't know that bloke I was telling you about, Niles.
00:28:30What, the one that's done, you know, really well,
00:28:32and has become a millionaire in two boxy years?
00:28:36Yeah.
00:28:36Well, this is one of his places.
00:28:39Oh, what are we doing here, then?
00:28:40Oh, Cassie asked me to go and get a bit of shopping.
00:28:44Shopping?
00:28:45Yeah.
00:28:45For dinner tonight.
00:28:50Hey, listen.
00:28:52What's the point of getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself?
00:28:55Oh, no wonder you've got problems.
00:28:57Oi.
00:28:57You keep your nose out of my business, all right?
00:28:59All right, all right, all right.
00:29:01Oh.
00:29:06Oh, blind.
00:29:07You've done off pen and ink in here, don't you?
00:29:08Shh.
00:29:09That's the fertilizer in the menu.
00:29:12And the other things.
00:29:13Every single item in this shop has been grown the way nature intended.
00:29:17Oh, yeah?
00:29:19Well, that must be very nice for you and Cassandra to sit down to dinner
00:29:23knowing that everything on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit.
00:29:29Get the rest of the shopping and then we'll be off.
00:29:31Well, hurry up, will you?
00:29:33No.
00:29:34Have you seen the price of these spuds?
00:29:36Yeah, well, you pay the extra because they're organic.
00:29:39I tell you, there's no E120 additives in these foods.
00:29:42E120s.
00:29:44What have you thought about E120s?
00:29:47Before you met Cassandra, you thought an E120 was a buff.
00:29:53Look, sprout tops.
00:29:5628 pence a pound.
00:30:00Oh, look at the price of these carrots.
00:30:03I tell you...
00:30:07What's this? One minute, this is water, this, isn't it?
00:30:10Water at 65.
00:30:12A pence a bottle?
00:30:13I don't want to own business.
00:30:14Cassandra and I happen to like this water.
00:30:16Oh, well.
00:30:17Maybe she'll like this water even more.
00:30:19Look, this one's only 72 pence a bottle.
00:30:22God.
00:30:23Is this what people are spending their money on nowadays?
00:30:26Yeah.
00:30:27It's one of the few remaining growth industries.
00:30:29Is it?
00:30:31Is it really?
00:30:32Rodney.
00:30:33Miles.
00:30:34How are you doing?
00:30:35Pretty good.
00:30:36Yourself?
00:30:37Oh, yeah.
00:30:38It's all right.
00:30:39Oh, Miles.
00:30:40This is my brother Derek.
00:30:41Del, this is Miles.
00:30:42Oh, pleased to meet you, son.
00:30:43Yes, and you.
00:30:44So, what do you think?
00:30:45In one word, impressed.
00:30:46Yes, in one word, bloody expensive.
00:30:47Expensive?
00:30:48Well, yeah.
00:30:49Look at the price of your spuds and your carrots.
00:30:50Not to mention your Brussels sprout tops.
00:30:51Twenty-eight pence a bottle.
00:30:52Water?
00:30:53Seventy-two pence a bottle.
00:30:54That water happens to come from the most natural sources in Britain.
00:30:55And Switzerland, and France, and Italy, I might add.
00:30:59I am a founder member of the Swan's Committee.
00:31:00Oh, Swan's?
00:31:01What are them big white duck things?
00:31:03No.
00:31:04Del, this is an acronym.
00:31:05Oh, that's what I've done.
00:31:06Oh, what do you know what I've done?
00:31:07No.
00:31:08No.
00:31:09That's an acronym.
00:31:10Oh, that's what I thought you mean.
00:31:11Right?
00:31:12Well, it's an acronym.
00:31:13Yeah, what do you mean?
00:31:14No, it's an acronym.
00:31:16Yes, sir.
00:31:17Ah, sorry, I thought you here you're going to get that.
00:31:19It's expensive.
00:31:20No.
00:31:21Oh, man.
00:31:22Well, yeah.
00:31:23Oh, that's what I thought. I was just about to say that's an anacronym.
00:31:29Should I put money on it?
00:31:31You'd have been right.
00:31:32Yeah, that's right, yeah. What do you feed them on?
00:31:36Your anacronyms.
00:31:39No, it's not a duck or a goose or nothing.
00:31:42An acronym is a name made out of the initials of another set of words.
00:31:47Oh, yeah. Oh, that anacronym.
00:31:49Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:31:51Yeah, well, I've got a rush, Rodney. It's been, um...
00:31:55Well, it's been real.
00:31:56Yeah.
00:31:58Yeah.
00:32:00Big bloody ducks.
00:32:06You what?
00:32:09Swans are the initials of the Spa, Water and Natural Spring Committee,
00:32:13and Miles is a vice president.
00:32:15He's in charge of dishing out all the certificates of purity.
00:32:18Without his signature, none of these companies can sell their goods.
00:32:23Can't help but admire him.
00:32:24I tell you, that bloke is going places.
00:32:27Well, with a name like Miles, he's bound.
00:32:32Cabbage.
00:32:33It just shows you what a little bit of hard work can do.
00:32:45Yeah, I know.
00:32:46Gives you a nice warm feeling, doesn't it, eh?
00:32:48What's a few aching muscles and blisters on your hands when you're confronted with a vision like this?
00:32:52Yeah, I know what you mean, Del.
00:32:54Yeah.
00:32:56Oh, look at that. It's 12 o'clock.
00:32:59All right, you two?
00:33:01You don't have a bite to eat.
00:33:03You've worked hard. You deserve it.
00:33:09Back in an hour, Del.
00:33:10Yeah, all right. No rustery.
00:33:12We're never going to get this finished today, you know.
00:33:14Well, there's always tomorrow, Denzel. That's my motto.
00:33:17Okay. See you in an hour then.
00:33:18All right.
00:33:27Right, Dave.
00:33:28What's your bloody game?
00:33:35Oh, hello. What's up, brother?
00:33:36Miles has just phoned the flat to confirm his appointment with you.
00:33:41Good. He's on his way then.
00:33:44What's your game, Del?
00:33:46Hmm?
00:33:48Nothing, Rodders. Nothing.
00:33:50No.
00:33:52Just that after our visit to Miles' place last week,
00:33:55something happened to me, Rodney.
00:33:58It came like a blinding flash of light.
00:34:01It was like...
00:34:03It was like St. Paul's journey on the road for...
00:34:06Tabascus.
00:34:08These rough hands are gonna feed my woman and my child, Rodney.
00:34:12I'm a born-again gardener.
00:34:14You've never done gardening in all your life.
00:34:17Well, I know there. It's been a bit awkward, isn't it, eh?
00:34:19Twelve floors up on a tower block, but now's me chance.
00:34:21But, Del, to you, a King Edwards is something you smoke.
00:34:25And the only thing he's ever grown is a beard.
00:34:28You don't know anything about gardening.
00:34:32No, no.
00:34:34But I know a man who does.
00:34:36That's why I gave Miles a bell.
00:34:38He didn't seem to mind.
00:34:40Well, no, I suppose not.
00:34:42Be in his interest, wouldn't it, really?
00:34:43I mean, he could flog you his fertilisers and what have you.
00:34:46Well, exactly.
00:34:47He helps me and I help him.
00:34:49Conceal de Tart, as they say in Grenoble's.
00:34:52Oh, yeah. Sounds like him now.
00:34:54Oh, yeah, look.
00:34:58Ship ahoy. Ship ahoy, Albert.
00:35:02Come here.
00:35:04You know, you know what to say and do, don't you?
00:35:06Yeah. Leave it to me, son.
00:35:07Just a minute now. Don't go overboard, will ya?
00:35:10Just nice and easy does it. Nice and easy.
00:35:12Alright, off you go.
00:35:16Miles.
00:35:18How lovely to see you again.
00:35:20Beautiful day for someone to turn it, ain't it, eh?
00:35:23This is it?
00:35:24Yes.
00:35:25Yes, this is it.
00:35:27I thought you said you had land.
00:35:29You were even talking about leaving one area to lay fallow.
00:35:33No, it's just an allotment.
00:35:36Yes, I know it's an allotment. I can see it in a lot.
00:35:38Yeah, well, you see, the thing is, Miles,
00:35:40that, um, I'm new to all this gardening malarkey
00:35:43and I thought, well, you being a friend, you could advise.
00:35:47And Rodney tells me that you're the kiddie
00:35:48when it comes to an organic suite.
00:35:50And don't forget, anything I need will be bought
00:35:52from your organic garden centre.
00:35:55Yes, well, okay, fine.
00:36:00Are you working with compost?
00:36:02No, no, I think it must be his pipe.
00:36:05No, I mean, do you have a compost heap?
00:36:09Oh, I see what you mean?
00:36:11Uh, no, not yet, but I'm keeping me eye open for one,
00:36:14you know what I mean?
00:36:16Yes, well, first things first,
00:36:17we have to try and ascertain what kind of soil you have.
00:36:20Oh.
00:36:21Oh.
00:36:24Oh, well, it's, um, it's this, it's this Irky sort, isn't it, look?
00:36:28There are many varieties of soil, Daryl.
00:36:32There's...
00:36:34Well, there's all sorts, isn't there, Miles?
00:36:36What's she doing now?
00:36:40He's a gardener.
00:36:42He's...
00:36:46What are you actually doing, Mum?
00:36:48I'm, uh, testing the soil for texture and structure.
00:36:51I'd watch it if I were you, son.
00:36:54There's a lot of cats around here.
00:36:56Mm.
00:36:57Yeah, but it's slightly alkaline.
00:36:59Mm.
00:37:00No, thanks, no, thanks, son.
00:37:01I had a fry-up earlier this morning.
00:37:04You do realise, Derek,
00:37:05that this could take five years of drainage and care
00:37:07to achieve the perfect crop?
00:37:09Oh, five years.
00:37:11Oh.
00:37:12I thought it would take a long time.
00:37:31I think we'll try a cocktail of fish meal,
00:37:34dried blood, mushroom compost, and...
00:37:36awesome cow manure.
00:37:38Lovely jubbly.
00:37:44And then we'll have to talk about crop rotation.
00:37:48Mm.
00:37:49But the first thing is a good old-fashioned dignity.
00:37:53No, no, Miles.
00:37:54Don't you do that.
00:37:55Albert will get it for you.
00:37:56What's that?
00:37:57Mm?
00:37:58What's what?
00:37:59The water.
00:38:00There.
00:38:01Oh, there!
00:38:02Oh, that's just the old Peckham Spring.
00:38:04Ah, Rodney, there you are.
00:38:05Go and get Miles's soil testing kit for his car.
00:38:08We...
00:38:09No, no, no, no, wait a minute.
00:38:10The Peckham Spring?
00:38:11Oh.
00:38:12Well, I never realised there was a spring in Peckham.
00:38:14Oh, yes.
00:38:15That's why it's called the Peckham Spring.
00:38:18He's in the Doomsday book.
00:38:20We don't actually know where the spring comes from,
00:38:23do we, Rodney?
00:38:24No.
00:38:25It's certainly sprung up from somewhere.
00:38:27Hmm.
00:38:28Now, this is fascinating.
00:38:29Oh.
00:38:30A natural urban spring.
00:38:31This is a real discovery.
00:38:32Oh.
00:38:33Is it, um...
00:38:34Is it pure?
00:38:35Ah, no.
00:38:36I wouldn't have thought it's pure, Miles.
00:38:37No, not with all this alkaline soil.
00:38:38Pure?
00:38:39I've been drinking that water ever since I was a little nipper.
00:38:40Never done me any harm.
00:38:41Yeah.
00:38:42Miles, don't take no notice of him.
00:38:43God, look at him.
00:38:44Look, he's 98, you know, and he's a bit...
00:38:45He's 98?
00:38:46Hmm.
00:38:47Yeah.
00:38:48Howdy, Rodney.
00:38:49Yeah.
00:38:50But only recently.
00:38:51I wonder if you'd mind me taking a sample of this water away for analysis.
00:38:55What for, Miles?
00:38:56Oh, to test its purity.
00:38:57Oh, I'm good.
00:38:58I'm good.
00:38:59I'm good.
00:39:00I'm good.
00:39:01I'm good.
00:39:02I'm good.
00:39:03I'm good.
00:39:04I'm good.
00:39:05I'm good.
00:39:06I'm good.
00:39:07I'm good.
00:39:08I'm good.
00:39:09I'm good.
00:39:10I'm good.
00:39:11I'm good.
00:39:12It ain't pure, Miles.
00:39:13You take my word for it.
00:39:15It ain't pure.
00:39:16No, I think Rodney's right on this one, Miles.
00:39:19I mean, it can't be pure, can it, eh?
00:39:20I mean, it comes right up from the center of the earth, all through the rocks and things.
00:39:24Yes.
00:39:25And it's those rocks and things that filter the water of its impurities and give it its life-preserving
00:39:29qualities.
00:39:30Minerals, Derek.
00:39:31Oh, sorry.
00:39:32You lost me on this one, Miles.
00:39:34I've got a feeling it won't take you too long to catch up, Derek.
00:39:38Now, what I'm saying, Derek, may I call you Del?
00:39:41May we, may we.
00:39:42Mon pleasure.
00:39:43If.
00:39:44And I must emphasize the word if.
00:39:48If this water passes our laboratory tests, there is a strong possibility that we could
00:39:53actually bottle it.
00:39:55Sorry, Miles.
00:39:56What do you mean by bottle it?
00:39:59It means put it into bottles, then.
00:40:03Now, I don't expect for one moment someone like you to understand the potential of this
00:40:08water, so I'll explain it in simple terms.
00:40:11You have the sauce, i.e. the Peckham Spring.
00:40:14I have the means of selling it through my natural food stores.
00:40:18And if successful, we could even expand to supermarkets and other outlets.
00:40:22Let me see if I've got this straight, Miles.
00:40:24What you're saying is that we could bottle this water and then sell it?
00:40:30Well, George, I think he's got it.
00:40:31I'm saying it's a possibility.
00:40:32A possibility, yeah.
00:40:33Depending on the results of our laboratory tests.
00:40:34Now, I need something to take a sample away with.
00:40:35Ah.
00:40:36There's a bucket here.
00:40:37No, no.
00:40:38It has to be a sterilized container.
00:40:39I'll just nip back to the garden center.
00:40:40I shan't be gone long.
00:40:41No, no.
00:40:42No need, Miles.
00:40:43No need.
00:40:44I think I've got the very thing in my briefcase.
00:40:45Um, Albert?
00:40:46Yeah, I went down to mother care this morning to get my baby a new bottle.
00:40:50A sterilized bottle.
00:40:51Well, do you?
00:40:52That's just the job, yes.
00:40:53How old's the baby?
00:40:54Nearly two.
00:40:55Yeah, he's a bit slow going on to solids, but we're not worried.
00:40:57Because Rodney was three and a half before he left the breast.
00:40:59Albert, I want you to take that and go and fill that up.
00:41:01I think I've got the very thing in my briefcase.
00:41:02Um, Albert?
00:41:03Yeah, I went down to mother care this morning to get my baby a new bottle.
00:41:04A sterilized bottle.
00:41:05What do you?
00:41:06That's just the job, yes.
00:41:07How old's the baby?
00:41:08Nearly two.
00:41:09Yeah, he's a bit slow going on to solids, but we're not worried.
00:41:12Because Rodney was three and a half before he left the breast.
00:41:17Albert, I want you to take that and go and fill that up.
00:41:21with water from the Peckham Spring.
00:41:23Don't get any dirt on the bottle.
00:41:25Leave it to me, Sam.
00:41:26Well, I think maybe I should...
00:41:28Ah, something I wanted to ask you, Marle.
00:41:30You were talking about crop rotation.
00:41:32Does that mean I've got to dig up me spuds and me Brussels sprouts
00:41:34and turn them over?
00:41:41What do you want, Rodney?
00:41:42I've just got to see how you're going to get out of this.
00:41:45I don't believe it will end up in the neck.
00:41:53Not me, Rodney.
00:41:54I'm an old man.
00:41:55Well, I'll take them as well, you reckon?
00:41:57Yes.
00:41:58Oh, that's interesting.
00:41:59Oh, here he is.
00:42:00Is that all right, son?
00:42:01Yes, that's absolutely wonderful.
00:42:02I'll get that off of the lab this afternoon.
00:42:04Now, beans and carrots.
00:42:06Eh?
00:42:07Well, we were talking about growing beans and carrots.
00:42:10Oh, yes!
00:42:12No, I've gone off the idea of growing vegetables now.
00:42:14Come on, let's go down the road and have a pint.
00:42:16Ha!
00:42:17Come on, Albert!
00:42:37I think it's a miracle.
00:42:38Yep.
00:42:39It certainly is a miracle, Rodney.
00:42:42It's our dear mum.
00:42:43She's up there smiling down on us,
00:42:58making sure her two little heads don't starve.
00:43:01No, I mean, I think it's a miracle
00:43:02that we've been doing this for three weeks now
00:43:04and we're not banged up in Nick.
00:43:06We ain't going to be banged up in Nick.
00:43:08We ain't doing nothing illegal, are we?
00:43:09Ain't nothing illegal.
00:43:10We are selling public water to the public.
00:43:13Ah, well, this is where you're at.
00:43:15Because this water used to be public
00:43:17and then Maggie, she privatised it, didn't she, eh?
00:43:19It now belongs to a board of directors
00:43:21and a load of investors.
00:43:22They sell it to us, we sell it on.
00:43:25All we're doing is repackaging it.
00:43:27It's a bit like, you know,
00:43:28Esso, they buy oil from Kuwait, don't they?
00:43:31Then they repackage it and they sell it on as petrol.
00:43:34Right? Nothing illegal, isn't it?
00:43:35They could have you under the Trace Descriptions Act.
00:43:38You call it Peckham Spring, but it ain't from the spring.
00:43:40Yeah, well, Sainsbury's, they sell runner beans,
00:43:42but they ain't been round the track three times, haven't they?
00:43:47All right, all right then.
00:43:48What about the claim on the label then?
00:43:49From an ancient and natural source?
00:43:51Yeah, the Thames.
00:43:53Can't be more ancient and natural than that, can it, eh?
00:43:56Anyway, we got a certificate from the Swans Committee
00:43:59saying it's some of the finest water they've ever analysed.
00:44:02Yeah, because what they analysed weren't these.
00:44:04It was Malvern or Buxton water.
00:44:07Look, will you stop splitting hairs?
00:44:10Last fortnight, Peckham Spring has become Miles' biggest seller.
00:44:14He's doubled his order twice.
00:44:17Oh, look, go out there and see how a wreck hell's getting on, will ya?
00:44:20I'm surprised you'd be party to all this.
00:44:28I'm doing it purely for the man I love, Rodney.
00:44:31I'll claim a crime of passion or insanity.
00:44:34Anyway, I don't notice you turning any of the money down.
00:44:37I'm just trying to make it easier on Dell when the case goes to call.
00:44:40I mean, the less he makes on this scam, the lighter his sentence will be.
00:44:45To you it may look like I'm sharing the profits,
00:44:47but in my heart I'm simply halving the guilt.
00:44:50That is true brotherly love and courage, Rodney.
00:44:53If they didn't mean so much to me, I'd give you one of me medals.
00:44:57Shut up.
00:45:05I see Peckham Springs really selling well.
00:45:08What do you mind?
00:45:09Had lunch at the local wine bar and they're selling it.
00:45:11The waiter says it's their most popular brand.
00:45:14Must admit, it has got a taste of its own.
00:45:16Yeah.
00:45:17It's called fluoride.
00:45:20Sorry?
00:45:21I say it's got to be tried.
00:45:23Oh yeah.
00:45:24Everyone's buying it.
00:45:25And it's on trial.
00:45:26Trial?
00:45:27What trial?
00:45:28What do you mean trial?
00:45:29Miles was saying a major supermarket chain are giving it a two week trial.
00:45:33Yeah.
00:45:34Yeah, that's right.
00:45:35Are you okay?
00:45:36Yeah.
00:45:37Fine.
00:45:38Look, if you're still worried about, you know,
00:45:41just remember what the doctor said.
00:45:42Don't be uptight.
00:45:43I've got nothing to do with that.
00:45:46Look, Cash.
00:45:49If I tell you a secret, do you promise never to tell a soul?
00:45:52Cross my heart.
00:45:53Go on.
00:45:54What is it?
00:45:55You know Peckham Spring?
00:45:58Mm-hmm.
00:45:59What about it?
00:46:00It's tap water.
00:46:05Tap water?
00:46:06Yeah.
00:46:07Tap water.
00:46:08What do you mean?
00:46:09Tap water.
00:46:10Well, water from a tap.
00:46:13From a tap?
00:46:15What tap?
00:46:16The one in Del's kitchen.
00:46:19You're kidding, aren't you?
00:46:23Tell me you're joking, Roddy.
00:46:25No, really.
00:46:26He just gets a bottle, puts it under the tap, fills it up, sells it for 45 pence.
00:46:30Oh, my God.
00:46:31Oh, God.
00:46:32Help us.
00:46:33Don't panic.
00:46:34It's got nothing to do with you.
00:46:35Nothing to do with me?
00:46:36Where do you think he got the capital to buy all those bottles and boxes and equipment
00:46:41and the money to pay Daddy for printing his labels?
00:46:43What?
00:46:44You?
00:46:45Yes.
00:46:46He came to the bank and asked for a loan.
00:46:47And you gave it to him?
00:46:48I'm in charge of small business investment.
00:46:50And this seemed like a small business investment with a future.
00:46:52I mean, someone had discovered a natural spring that had received a certificate of purity
00:46:53from Miles.
00:46:54And you believed Del?
00:46:55No, Roddy.
00:46:56I believed you.
00:46:57Well, I believed you.
00:46:58What?
00:46:59What?
00:47:00What?
00:47:01What?
00:47:02What?
00:47:03What?
00:47:04What?
00:47:05What?
00:47:06What?
00:47:07What?
00:47:08What?
00:47:09What?
00:47:10What?
00:47:11I believed you.
00:47:12Well, Del told me not to tell anyone.
00:47:15Why didn't you tell me you'd given him the money?
00:47:17Because that's confidential information between the bank and its client.
00:47:21Well, now you know.
00:47:24What are you going to do?
00:47:26I've got no choice, Roddy.
00:47:27I'm going to have to keep quiet about it.
00:47:30Really?
00:47:32I'd just cross my heart and promise you I wouldn't tell a soul.
00:47:35And if I was to tell the bank, I'd most probably lose my promotion.
00:47:39I don't really fancy driving out to Wormwood Scrubs every Sunday to visit my husband.
00:47:44On the other hand, is selling water illegal?
00:47:47I was charged 20 pence in the garage last week just to fill up my radiator.
00:47:51Del's kept up all the repayments and you're earning lots of money out of it.
00:47:56I've never been so well off.
00:47:58But there are geological aspects coming into play here, Kes.
00:48:02You see, we are taking thousands and thousands of gallons every week.
00:48:06The water board have got workmen on the estope.
00:48:08I think they've got a major underground leak.
00:48:10I mean, here we are in the middle of winter and our local papers are issuing drought warnings.
00:48:19So people are going out and panic buying Peckham Bloody Spring.
00:48:23So that means we've got to take more water to stay up with the demands.
00:48:28And then to top it all, some prat has advised him to advertise on local radio.
00:48:37You? Why?
00:48:39Tell us my client, Ruddy. It's my job to advise him.
00:48:42You are not dealing with a normal person. This is Derek Trotter.
00:48:48Don't you understand? He is sucking the land dry.
00:48:52I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute.
00:48:55The rhino, personally, I've always believed in powdered rhino hall.
00:49:14Phil!
00:49:16Oh.
00:49:18I was ever so happy to hear your good news.
00:49:21Oh, it must be lovely suddenly coming into money after all these years.
00:49:26Well, we're enjoying it.
00:49:28Yes, I bet you are.
00:49:30You can come to my coffee mornings now.
00:49:35I'll see you in a minute. I'm bursting.
00:49:37You're not the only one.
00:49:38It'll be the garden party next.
00:49:40Oh, here, business is booming, Rodney.
00:49:43Yep, couldn't be better. The old Peckham spring-selling hand over foot.
00:49:46You know, I just find it so hard to believe that someone with Delboy's attitude
00:49:49could suddenly become so professional on his business approach.
00:49:53Well, he just never had the chance to prove it before, that's all.
00:49:56I mean, let's face it. If he hadn't cleared up that allotment so thoroughly,
00:49:58he'd have never found that spring in the first place.
00:50:01Well, how come he cleared it up?
00:50:02I mean, I've never seen him as an Alan Titmarsh.
00:50:05A bit of a tit, maybe, but...
00:50:06During our lifetime, Michael, we all go through many changes.
00:50:10Del just suddenly became very ecologically aware.
00:50:13Aware of the damage we are doing to Mother Earth.
00:50:15Yeah, and I suppose that summons from the council made him even more ecologically aware.
00:50:19Yeah, it might have helped.
00:50:21But at least he brought in a firm of experts to get rid of them drums of chemicals.
00:50:25A firm of experts? Since when have Denzel and Trigger been experts?
00:50:28Denzel and Trigger?
00:50:29You told me he used specialists.
00:50:32What?
00:50:33No.
00:50:34No, on the other hand, Trigger could be considered to be a specialist.
00:50:37Oh, Trigger still don't know which end of the darl to throw.
00:50:41Well, what I mean is he works for the council, doesn't he?
00:50:44So he could dispose of them drums at the environmental waste unit.
00:50:46Well, according to Denzel, they chucked them in a pond.
00:50:49In a pond? They chucked them in a pond?
00:50:51In a pond.
00:50:53You went till I see them.
00:50:55So what's happened to Denzel and Trigger, anyway?
00:50:59I don't know, I ain't seen them for weeks.
00:51:02So what do you think of all this Peckham's spring lark night?
00:51:05I mean, knowing Doleboy, I wouldn't be surprised if it ain't coming out of attack.
00:51:09Ah, don't be silly, Boycey.
00:51:10I've seen the certificate, all signs sealed that works.
00:51:13Listen, I'm even buying the stuff.
00:51:15Now you don't think I'm stupid, do you?
00:51:18In a pond?
00:51:19Yeah, that's what Boycey said.
00:51:21You wait till Dole gets back to this table.
00:51:22Oh, no, Roddy, no arguments tonight, please.
00:51:25I want this to be a nice celebration.
00:51:27It's the first time we've all been happy for ages.
00:51:29Yeah, all right.
00:51:31I'll have him tomorrow, though.
00:51:36Ah, Rodders, listen, tomorrow morning we go down the old allotment,
00:51:39clear all that stuff out of this shit.
00:51:41I mean, what do we want with Bross LPs and Romanian Rysling, eh?
00:51:45All those wigs.
00:51:46Yeah, all the wigs, the wigs.
00:51:47I don't know why I bought them wigs and a birthday.
00:51:49A wigs saved my life once.
00:51:52Yeah, well, clear it all out, we'll dump it somewhere, all right?
00:51:54Yeah.
00:51:55Just so long as it's not in a pond, eh?
00:51:57In a pond?
00:51:58Talk about a pond.
00:51:59What's going on about a pond, eh?
00:52:01No.
00:52:02A wigs save your life.
00:52:03Oh, you...
00:52:04I'll tell you, will you?
00:52:05You've got a mouth and a half on you, Mum.
00:52:09Interesting.
00:52:10Well, it's bound to be something that happened during the war.
00:52:13It might not have happened during the war.
00:52:15During the war, I won't.
00:52:16I was on a corvette out in the Pacific, fighting the Jets.
00:52:23And my old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, he used to wear a wig.
00:52:28You couldn't tell, though, except in rough seas when it used to slide to one side.
00:52:32Then one day, we were attacked by a kamikaze pilot.
00:52:37Came zooming in towards us.
00:52:39I remember saying to the skipper, the way he's carrying on, he'll kill himself.
00:52:45Anyway, he smashed right into us.
00:52:49And there we were, nine of us and the skipper, all marooned at sea with all the lifeboats smashed to pieces.
00:52:55Wait a minute, Albert.
00:52:56You're not trying to tell us that ten of you got on the captain's wig.
00:52:59Don't be facetious, Michael.
00:53:05I'm talking about heroes.
00:53:06Oops.
00:53:07Sorry.
00:53:09Finally, we was washed up on this island where the natives had never seen a white man.
00:53:14They were waggling their spears and getting very angry.
00:53:18Captain Kenworthy, he said, leave this to me, lads.
00:53:22Then he stepped forward, brave as a lion, and he ripped his wig off.
00:53:26You should have seen their faces.
00:53:29You see, the skipper knew they'd never seen a wig before.
00:53:33So what did they do?
00:53:35Make him a god?
00:53:36No, they killed him.
00:53:38They wanted the wig.
00:53:41Thought it had magic powers.
00:53:43They all ran off and had a ceremony.
00:53:45We had it away on our toes and got picked up by an Australian frigate.
00:53:50Well, we're off home now.
00:53:52Roddy, do you remember we said when we could afford it we'd have a weekend away somewhere?
00:54:01Yeah.
00:54:02Well, we can afford it now, can't we?
00:54:04So why don't we go?
00:54:06Tomorrow night, just the two of us.
00:54:08All alone?
00:54:09You and me in a lovely hotel overlooking the sea.
00:54:12In a king-size bed?
00:54:14You can do a lot of rolling around in a king-size bed.
00:54:17Mmm.
00:54:18Well, I've heard a dozen oysters.
00:54:20Is there oysters like that?
00:54:22No, Rick.
00:54:24I won't be in tomorrow, mate.
00:54:26Why's that?
00:54:27Well, me and Cassandra, tomorrow night, we're going down to the seaside.
00:54:30Just be on our own for a little while.
00:54:32You don't mind, do you?
00:54:33Of course I don't mind.
00:54:35You know, that's a great idea.
00:54:37Yeah, in fact, we'll come with you.
00:54:40Hold on.
00:54:41You fancy a weekend at the seaside?
00:54:43Take me home, I'll pack the bags.
00:54:45Hey, come on.
00:54:46Let's call for a celebration.
00:54:47Oh!
00:54:48Large friends.
00:54:50Guess what?
00:55:03Hey, come on.
00:55:04Hey, come on.
00:55:05Hey, come on.
00:55:06Hey, come on.
00:55:07Hey, come on.
00:55:08Hey, come on.
00:55:09Hey, come on.
00:55:10Hey, come on.
00:55:11Hey, come on.
00:55:12Hey, come on.
00:55:13Hey, come on.
00:55:14Hey, come on.
00:55:15Hey, come on.
00:55:16Hey, come on.
00:55:17Hey, come on.
00:55:18Hey, come on.
00:55:19Hey, come on.
00:55:20Hey, come on.
00:55:21Hey, come on.
00:55:22Hey, come on.
00:55:23Hey, come on.
00:55:24Hey, come on.
00:55:25Hey, come on.
00:55:26Hey, come on.
00:55:27Hey, come on.
00:55:28Hey, come on.
00:55:29Hey, come on.
00:55:30Hey, come on.
00:55:31Hey, come on.
00:56:32Have a glass of champagne, darling?
00:56:42Oh, I think it's the same thing.
00:56:46Oh, yes.
00:56:47Got this in our blood, haven't we, darling?
00:56:52Well, champagne, certainly.
00:56:54No, no, I didn't mean that. I meant the lifestyle.
00:56:57Didn't I always promise you a life like this, eh?
00:56:59Didn't I always promise you a life like this?
00:57:01Hmm?
00:57:03Yes, you did.
00:57:05I'm going to make the most of it before they put you in prison.
00:57:09Raquel, they are not going to put me in prison.
00:57:12You've got to do something illegal before they put you in prison.
00:57:14All I'm doing is selling a very popular product.
00:57:17I mean, look, even the bestest hotels in the world are selling Beckham Spring.
00:57:21Oh, we're on a winner, darling.
00:57:25And this is just the beginning.
00:57:28Come on, as for you, champ, it'll be Mercedes and Cecil G suits and Lanzarotti all the way for you, won't it?
00:57:36You won't know any other life.
00:57:38Oh, why should you worry, eh?
00:57:42I think I'd better put him down.
00:57:44Yeah, I'm going to go and see Rodney.
00:57:47Oh, Del, leave them.
00:57:49They're...
00:57:50Well, they're trying to sort their lives out.
00:57:52What about it? It's nine o'clock. We're here in Brighton.
00:57:55I ought to show a bit more decorum.
00:57:59Oi-ho.
00:58:01Come on.
00:58:02I just popped in to see how you was.
00:58:05It's all right. Don't get embarrassed.
00:58:06You ain't got nothing in there that'll frighten me.
00:58:12What have we got into connecting doors?
00:58:14Well, that was my idea.
00:58:15Let's thank you so we can mingle, like families do.
00:58:18All families mingle.
00:58:19Yeah, but you've been popping in more times than a gas meter reader.
00:58:22Shut up, you tart.
00:58:27Where's the sauna?
00:58:28She popped into the bathroom about half an hour ago.
00:58:32Those sandwiches were all right, weren't they?
00:58:34No, she'd just gone to slip into something.
00:58:39Half hour ago?
00:58:40What's she slipped into?
00:58:41A coma?
00:58:43No, she's...
00:58:46No, what have you.
00:58:49All right.
00:58:50I understand. Don't worry.
00:58:52You'll be all right, bruv.
00:58:54Don't you worry.
00:58:54You just relax, all right?
00:58:56Don't let yourself get all talked and rigid.
00:59:00Well, you know, not all of you.
00:59:04Don't be unlistening.
00:59:05All right, all right.
00:59:07Don't you go make too much noise.
00:59:08I've got Damien sleeping in here.
00:59:11See you in the morning.
00:59:11That's it, babe.
00:59:30You have a lovely walk.
00:59:35You dream some lovely dreams.
00:59:38Right?
00:59:39You dream about Christmas
00:59:45and all the presents that Santa Claus is going to bring you.
00:59:52Because a little baby like you
00:59:53is going to be right at the top of his VIP list.
00:59:58You know, when I was a little ankle-biter like you,
01:00:03all I ever got for Christmas
01:00:04was an orange and a clump round the ear roll.
01:00:06Still, the orange was nice.
01:00:13I wish I knew what you was dreaming.
01:00:18Still, it don't matter.
01:00:20As long as it's a happy one.
01:00:24And I'm in it.
01:00:25You look really nice.
01:00:55I love you.
01:00:57I love you, Trotter.
01:01:06Right.
01:01:18Sorry I've been so long.
01:01:29Well, I say the best things take time.
01:01:31I love you, Trotter.
01:02:02The London borough of Peckham is tonight without water
01:02:06after a local reservoir was found to be contaminated by an unknown chemical.
01:02:11The crumbs of the chemical, which has still to be identified,
01:02:15were discovered late this afternoon
01:02:16and appear to have been dumped in the reservoir up to a month ago.
01:02:21The spokesperson for the Peckham Water Board
01:02:23has emphasized that the cutting of water supplies
01:02:25is purely a precautionary measure
01:02:27and there is no need for alarm.
01:02:31Everything's coming up roses for us now, sweetheart.
01:02:48Getting better every day.
01:02:54It's all thanks to the Peckham spree.
01:02:57I wouldn't mind betting
01:03:01this time next week
01:03:03I'll be in all the papers.
01:03:06we've got some