- 8 hours ago
Entertainment
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la-la-la
00:36Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit out of breath.
00:43I've just been doing me physical jerks.
00:46Oi, Gazza!
00:49Don't you tell her that Rodney's still in bed,
00:51sleeping off another hangover, will you?
00:53What'd you take me for?
00:54Give me five minutes and I'll write out a list.
00:56All right, Cassandra.
00:59Yeah, I'll tell Rodney you called as soon as he gets up.
01:02I don't believe you.
01:04I mean it. I mean in.
01:06Yeah.
01:08Tell Cassandra I'll phone her later.
01:09I've got to get this stuff in the freezer.
01:11Raquel says she'll call you later.
01:13Eh? Oh, yeah, she's all right. She's fine.
01:16I mean, women like being pregnant, don't they?
01:18And how are you feeling?
01:22Eh?
01:22Good.
01:23Me? I'm all right.
01:24I just joined the over-sixties club down on the estate.
01:27Give me a new lease of life it has.
01:29Eh?
01:30Yeah, so we'll be there, but I'm not interested in all that.
01:33No.
01:34Like a squirrel ain't interested in nuts.
01:37I used to be a bit of a cast-nobie in my younger days.
01:41I could tell you a tale or two, Cassandra.
01:44Yeah.
01:44During the war, I...
01:46Eh?
01:46Some of your front door is there.
01:49Oh, well.
01:50Bye for now, Cassandra.
01:51Bye, love.
01:55Mrs Lane.
01:56Oh, may I call you Dora?
01:58May I have the pleasure of this next dance?
02:02La-di-da-di-da-di-da-di-da-di.
02:09Oh, my God.
02:11What kind of call this, Roddy?
02:12I call this 11.30, huh? What time do you call it?
02:15Disgusting young man like you getting up half past 11 in the morning.
02:19Your brother was up and out of here at 7 o'clock
02:22and then he come back and took that car out shopping.
02:24Yeah, well, that's because Del has got a job to go to
02:28and money earning opportunities.
02:30And he's got a woman in his life.
02:32What have I got, eh?
02:33I've got no job to go to.
02:35I've got no wife to say good morning to.
02:38You might be a bit more chirpy if you didn't wake up with such a hangover.
02:41I have not got...
02:43I have not got a hangover.
02:45I am fine.
02:47There is nothing wrong with me.
02:49Cassandra found just what they were.
02:52You didn't tell her, did you?
02:53Nah, I just said to her, right?
02:55She just wants your cheque towards her mortgage.
02:58Oh.
02:59Yeah, well, I'll sort that out.
03:04Oh.
03:05Morning.
03:06Oh, the morning.
03:07Morning, Rodney.
03:08Morning.
03:09That reminds me, sweetheart,
03:10the video shop's got Nightmare on Elm Street in.
03:15Albert's just been talking to Cassandra.
03:18She's just wanting to know how I was.
03:19Yeah.
03:19He didn't tell her, did he?
03:20Nah, he said I was all right.
03:22What do you mean he didn't tell her?
03:24What's the matter?
03:24You all right, sweetheart?
03:25Yeah.
03:26Yeah, I'm okay.
03:27A bit of backache, that's all.
03:30Happens every time we go out in your van.
03:33Just not very comfortable,
03:34especially in my condition.
03:35I'm all right now.
03:36No, no, listen to me, sweetheart.
03:38I tell...
03:38Look, I'll tell you what.
03:40Look, look, you leave the shopping.
03:42I will continue with the shopping.
03:43You go in there and sit down.
03:44Go on.
03:44Go on.
03:45It's an order.
03:45Go on.
03:46Aye, aye, sir.
03:47Mm-hmm.
03:48Don't forget to deliver our birthday present.
03:50Nah, all right.
03:51Whose birthday is it?
03:52It's Boyce's little kid, anyway.
03:54You see, that three-wheel van
03:55wasn't designed for a pregnant woman with shopping.
03:59I'll tell you.
04:00You know, she's getting bigger by the day.
04:02She's already been banned from the body shop.
04:05If I could just get that engine to run a bit smoother,
04:08I'm sure that would help.
04:09I told you, they stopped making spares for that van years ago.
04:12I've tried everywhere.
04:13Breakers' yards, spares shops,
04:16archaeologists.
04:19Archaeologists?
04:21Listen to me, Roddy.
04:22Talking about archaeologists,
04:23you look as though you've just been dug up from somewhere.
04:25Why don't you take a leaf out of your uncle's book, eh?
04:28Look, he's in there.
04:29He's just joined the over-sixties club.
04:31He looks like a born-again teddy boy.
04:34You're not suggesting I join the over-sixties club?
04:37No, they wouldn't have you.
04:38You look too old.
04:41There's been another mugging on the estate.
04:43Oh, dear.
04:44You don't want to believe all you read, though, Raquel.
04:47A lot of that's exaggerated, you know.
04:48If I got my hands on them,
04:49I'd string them up from the nearest lamppost.
04:52Oh, listen to him, will you?
04:53It's nearly a 21st century.
04:54He still wants to hang them up by the neck.
04:56Who said anything about hanging them up by the neck?
05:00Well, they'd better not try anything on me.
05:02I used to box for the niggies.
05:05Will you sit down, you soppy old sod?
05:08I don't want to do Monty on the floor in a minute.
05:10Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
05:22How can I help you?
05:24Oh, it's you, Marlene.
05:27Yes, I am going out to get Tyler's birthday present in a minute.
05:31Marlene, I'm trying to run a business here.
05:33If you remember, I sell quality used cars.
05:38Do you want me to take that old banger down the scrapyard?
05:40Yes, I will tell you.
05:42Get me coat.
05:44A baby grand?
05:47Well, of course I want him to be cultured,
05:49but for God's sake, Marlene, he's only two.
05:52I don't give a toss what Beethoven could do when he was three.
05:56Tyler should start off in a smaller way.
05:58Yes, yes, all right, Marlene.
06:01Leave it to me.
06:02I'll surprise you.
06:06Where can I get a mouth organ from?
06:11Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
06:14How come...
06:14Oh, it's you, dear old boy.
06:15How's your luck?
06:16Couldn't be better, boys.
06:17You couldn't be better.
06:19Business is so good there aren't enough hours in a day.
06:21I'm thinking of taking on extra staff.
06:23Taking on being the operative phrase.
06:25Roddy, are we going to do something useful like go back to bed, son?
06:31Anyway, Boyce, listen, we've got a birthday present for the ankle biter.
06:35Oh, cheers, Del.
06:37Yes, we're going to have a little celebration,
06:39just a few dear and close friends.
06:42I suppose you and your family could come along as well, if you like.
06:45That's very nice of you, Boyce.
06:47Listen, do you reckon that you could get one of your mechanics
06:51to have a look at my van?
06:52I know just the bloke.
06:54He had a family bereavement recently.
06:55He could do with a good laugh.
06:58No, sorry, Del.
07:01I just think it's about time you got yourself something more powerful.
07:06Like what?
07:06I don't know.
07:07A food mixer?
07:09Very funny.
07:10Very funny, Boyce, but that little van does everything that I need it to.
07:14Don't worry.
07:15No, no, Del.
07:16Keep the van for business.
07:17I am talking about a second car.
07:20Now, listen, I've been hearing about all this crime
07:22that's been occurring on your estate.
07:24Don't you think it's going to be safer for your Raquel
07:26to be driving rather than walking?
07:29Yeah, Warris.
07:31Well, that's the point, Boyce.
07:32I'd never thought of that.
07:34Yes, and I mean, a man in your position,
07:36I mean, you need something that's going to reflect your image.
07:39I've got a lovely Skoda out in the showroom.
07:44Two years old.
07:458,000 miles on the clock, genuine.
07:47You can have it for two and a half grand.
07:50Two and a half grand's a little bit out of my price range, Boyce.
07:53What is your price range, Del?
07:55400 quid.
07:57400?
07:58You can't get a walking frame for 400.
08:02Just a moment, Del.
08:03Your luck could be in.
08:05I've got a cracking little sports coupe.
08:08Came in as a part shop on a Honda Prelude.
08:09Beautiful body work, sound engine, really nice little runner.
08:13Just needs a bit of a clean-up, that's all.
08:14Now, I was looking for a grand.
08:18But seeing as it's my son's birthday and you're a mate,
08:20I'll let it go for 400.
08:22Cushty.
08:24I'll pop down and take the butchers at it later then, Boyce.
08:26You all right?
08:26Right.
08:27Cheers, Del.
08:28All right.
08:29All right, I'm off then and scrap me.
08:30Are these the keys?
08:33There's been a change of plan.
08:44What do you think, Roddy?
08:46I don't know.
08:48She'll be patting me in me hands.
08:50Wee-hey, Rodney, you'll never guess what.
08:53I only bought a new car.
08:55Good Bennett.
08:57Albert, I thought it was Simon Le Bon.
09:00What are you doing?
09:01What are you dressed up like that for?
09:03I'm playing the over-sixties dominoes final down in Ag's Head
09:06against old Knock Knock later.
09:08So you got a new car?
09:09Yes, a cracker.
09:10Raquel's just driven it back.
09:12It's a beauty, isn't it, sweet eye?
09:14Yeah.
09:14One cup of tea, love.
09:17Yeah, I need something, Albert.
09:19So, you're a two-car family now then, eh?
09:21Well, one car, one three-wheel van.
09:24Which is one car and one three-wheel van more than you got or ever liked you to have.
09:28I wouldn't be so sure about that, Derek.
09:30About to be a job in here for me somewhere.
09:32You'll have to come up with a good excuse before you get a job, son.
09:35I mean, how are you going to explain away them ten years when you were Del's partner?
09:39Albert's got a good point, Rodney.
09:41In all of those ten years, you weren't registered for income tax, national insurance or anything.
09:46Your work record shows you left school at 16 and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth.
09:50I've already thought of that.
09:52I'm going to say I was working for a foreign oil company in Saudi Arabia.
09:55What, straight from school?
09:58One minute you're a milk monitor, the next minute you're a petrochemist.
10:01No, sorry, bruv, that won't wash.
10:03Couldn't you say you've been on safari?
10:05What, for a decade?
10:07I'd say you got lost.
10:10A friend of mine went out with a guy who'd spent 12 years working for a safari company in Kenya.
10:15Nah, it's stupid, Vakil.
10:17Well, it's better than your paper-rounding Arabia cobblers, isn't it?
10:21Have you ever thought of joining the Navy, Rodney?
10:24Well, funny enough, Unc, no.
10:27How can I join the Navy?
10:30Exactly.
10:31In the old days, you used to take anyone.
10:32I mean, let's face it, they took you.
10:35But nowadays, you've got to have a cot of the qualifications, haven't you?
10:38I mean, what chance has Lawrence of Peckham got, eh?
10:41I don't mean the raw Navy.
10:43I'm talking about the merchant.
10:46Just think about Rodney.
10:47Imagine.
10:49Monday, you sail out to Southampton water.
10:51Tuesday, you throw the bay of biscuit.
10:54Wednesday, you round in Cape St. Vincent.
10:56Thursday, you dock in Algiers.
10:58Friday, it's your turn in the barrel.
11:01Eh?
11:03There was nothing like that on any of my vessels.
11:08A few funny ones, but nothing like that.
11:11Well, what do you reckon, Rodney?
11:13Yeah, well, if it's all the same to you, Unc, I think I'll take a rain check on this one.
11:16Eh, I don't know what you're missing.
11:17Yeah, well, that suits me.
11:18Yeah, I've been thinking.
11:22Try it as independent traders has been going through a period of commercial augmentation,
11:26hasn't it?
11:27No, I've been doing all right, Rodney.
11:30I was thinking that things must be getting pretty hectic for you on the old business front,
11:34eh?
11:34Oh, yeah.
11:35Oh, straight, Rodney.
11:36It's one power breakfast art for another, it is.
11:38Yeah.
11:39Yeah, I suppose it ain't all champagne and backgumming for you yuppies, is it, eh?
11:43I know you were saying earlier you was thinking of taking on more staff, so, um...
11:47Well, seeing as I'm temporarily between positions, and, uh, if the conditions are acceptable,
11:52I'm willing to work for you.
11:55Hmm.
11:56No way, Pedro.
11:58Look, I've got all the...
11:59No way, Pedro.
12:01I don't need you, Rodders.
12:03Look, I could be very useful to you during this period of growth.
12:06Oh, yeah, yeah.
12:07Well, I'm a good salesman.
12:10Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
12:11You couldn't sell a black cat to a witch.
12:15Yeah, but now...
12:16Now I've got managerial experience.
12:20No.
12:22I could computerise your entire business.
12:25No.
12:27I have got executive qualifications.
12:31No.
12:33Well, can you lend us a fiver, then?
12:36A fiver?
12:37Didn't realise things were that bad, Rodney.
12:38And you want to be my financial advisor.
12:42Let them be anything.
12:47Yeah, well, I'm desperate, aren't I?
12:48Well, all right, Rodney, I'll tell you what.
12:50I will give you a job with Trotter's Independent Traders PLC.
12:55Fine.
12:57And what wage structure will I have?
12:59Wage structure?
13:00Well, I don't know.
13:01It'd be the same as before, wouldn't it?
13:02Good.
13:04So what was that, then?
13:06What was that?
13:07It would mean, if I've got cash on the hip, I'll pay you.
13:10All right.
13:11And what title will I have?
13:13Well, we'll call you Lord Rodney.
13:18I meant company title.
13:21See, I was thinking you could call me your Director of Commercial Development.
13:25Yes, yes, all right.
13:26No, that sounds very good to me, yeah.
13:29All right, then, so.
13:30As it says in the Bible, clothes maketh the man.
13:34So I want you to whip round your flat a bit lively.
13:36What, and pick up my best soap?
13:38No, pick up your car-cleaning gear.
13:40Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
13:42What do you reckon?
13:50How much do you reckon I paid Boise for it?
13:52What, he charged you?
13:55I stole it off him, Rodders.
13:57400 dicker.
13:59Yeah.
14:01It's a peach.
14:01It handles like Maradona.
14:04Oh, Del, look at the paintwork.
14:06It's got the most shine to it.
14:08By the time I finished, it looked brand new.
14:12Oh, er, Rodney.
14:16Listen, I've been, er, I've been meaning to ask you something.
14:21And look, it's a little bit embarrassing.
14:23So, er...
14:24I ain't cleaning it.
14:25You bloody well are.
14:27Oh, no.
14:28The days when I used to do all your dirty work are long gone.
14:32I used to run my own computer section, Del.
14:34I was an executive.
14:35And now you're cleaning my Capri gear.
14:38You seem to forget, Rodney, that you are my employee.
14:42Since you left Cassandra and your job,
14:45you've been eating and sleeping in my flat for Nick's.
14:49Now, if you want to hand in your resignation, that is all right by me.
14:53I'll help you find a little bed set.
14:55I'll even give you a little leave-in present.
14:57A paraffin eater and a mousetrap.
14:59All right, I'll clean it.
15:02Are you quite sure about that?
15:04Yes.
15:08Thank you very much.
15:09I'm most grateful.
15:14Look at that lot over there.
15:16Looks like the techie tea folks day out, doesn't it?
15:19Albert's looking very smart.
15:22He must be after one of the ladies.
15:24I wonder if it's old Lil with the airy walk.
15:26Or is it the widow man here with the disposable teeth?
15:30You should have more respect, Mike.
15:32Those women went through a war for us.
15:34Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.
15:38It'd be lovely if Albert could meet some nice old lady to keep him company.
15:44Do you know who he's after?
15:46Yeah, your mum.
15:48My mum?
15:49Yeah, that's right.
15:50Him and his mate are after sorting her out, look.
15:53Why not having this?
15:54No, but if your mum plays her cards, right?
15:58What?
15:59I don't know, wouldn't you?
16:00All right, Molly.
16:01Talk to you in a minute.
16:03Can I get you a drink, Dora?
16:04You don't mind me calling you Dora.
16:06Do you, Dora?
16:07Of course I don't mind, Albert.
16:09I just got Dora a drink.
16:12Why'd you let Not-Not get you a drink?
16:14It was my turn.
16:15You can buy me a drink in a minute.
16:17How'd a kid's birthday party go, boys?
16:22Oh, it was very successful, thank you, Trigger.
16:23All the right people were there.
16:25And Del and Albert turned up.
16:28Thank you very much, boys.
16:30Now he's gone.
16:31Who's for another one, then?
16:32All right?
16:33Come around.
16:35Here, Mike.
16:36Here, Mike.
16:36Here a minute.
16:37Them over by the jukebox.
16:40The morons from outer space, who are they?
16:43I don't know, Del.
16:44They've been using the pub for about two weeks now.
16:46Yeah, I know.
16:46I didn't think they were regulars.
16:48Like I say, I don't know nothing about.
16:50I think they're friends of the old mongrels down there.
16:54Here, Ollie.
16:54Ollie, just a minute.
16:55Come here, son, will you?
16:56It's right, Del.
16:57Yeah, listen.
16:58See that gang over there by the jukebox?
17:00Do you know anything about them?
17:01They started coming in here about a fortnight ago.
17:04They've been hanging around the estate, like, at night.
17:07Yeah, a couple of times.
17:08Do you want me and the boys to beat them up?
17:10No, no, no, no.
17:11Wait.
17:12I don't want no trouble in this pub.
17:14What you drinking, Albert?
17:16I'll have a large navy rum beer.
17:19Puts Ned in your pencil.
17:24Well, you're all everything.
17:26Get on Knock Knock and drink, will you?
17:27I'll have a pint of ordinary, dear.
17:30Hey, Albert, why do they call him Knock Knock?
17:33Because he's a very bad dominoes player.
17:36I'm a better player than you, Trotter.
17:38What?
17:38You've never beaten me at dominoes in all your life.
17:40I could beat you out of anything.
17:42Even when I was at school, I could beat you out of anything.
17:44Oh, come on, boys.
17:46Calm down.
17:47Start acting like grown-ups.
17:49I had a laugh to myself tonight, now.
17:52Did you drink?
17:52Yeah.
17:54Why, something happened?
17:56Yeah, I was walking across the estate, past the garage block.
17:59It was half past seven at night, pitch black.
18:02And here was Dave, polishing an old banger.
18:06That's what it takes.
18:08Oh, my God.
18:09I've forgotten all about my director of commercial management.
18:12What, you've left him cleaning your car at night?
18:14Yeah, well, I've forgotten he'd work for me.
18:18What's old Albert and Knock Knock playing at?
18:20I don't know.
18:21He looks like ninja dominoes.
18:23Don't be drinking, Boisey.
18:24Give him a large navy run.
18:30Look at my clothes.
18:32Well, I told you to wear your car cleaning gear, didn't I?
18:35Look, a director of commercial development does not wear stonewashed wranglers and Doc Martins.
18:40He does when he's cleaning the governor's capery gear.
18:43And I've got a swore figure in my eye.
18:45Your finger's bleeding, Romney.
18:47Yes.
18:48That's where my hand went straight through the bodywork.
18:51Look at that.
18:51Bleeding, see?
18:52That's floods.
18:53You got any blasters, mate?
18:54Yeah, give him a...
18:55What do you mean your hand went straight through the bodywork?
18:57There's a big rust hole in the wing.
18:59Boisey's blokes had filled it full of newspaper and filler, then sprayed over it.
19:04That is slanderous, Rodney.
19:05That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle.
19:08They were yesterday's newspapers.
19:13Were they really?
19:14Now, you took that car a scene, Dale.
19:17I don't owe you no favours.
19:19That's a bit unfair, Boisey.
19:20What about that 36-piece tea service he sold Mali last month?
19:23Oh, yeah, that came in very handy.
19:25I gave it to the Boy Scouts' faked for their rifle range.
19:28But that was genuine Dresden.
19:29Yeah, genuine antique Dresden.
19:31And it was guaranteed dishwasher proof.
19:34I don't believe him sometimes.
19:40I don't know how you can ask me, with my executive qualifications,
19:44to go round the garage block and clean the Prattmobile.
19:47Don't you let Dale here, you call it that?
19:49Yeah, and what about that very important client I had come over from Belgium?
19:53I wanted two tickets for Wimbledon so I could impress him.
19:56You said, leave it to me, Boisey.
19:58I've got a contact at Wimbledon.
19:59Well, I got you two tickets, didn't I?
20:01That's right.
20:02They drew nil-nil with Ipswich.
20:04That makes us even.
20:05No way, Pedro.
20:09I'll see you later, Dale.
20:10I'm going to mention it.
20:10Yeah, all right.
20:12What do you like, Dora?
20:13How about a large snowball?
20:15Oh, lovely.
20:17Mike?
20:18Large snowball for Dora.
20:20Oh, ah, that's better.
20:28All right, sweetheart?
20:29Yeah, I'm fine now.
20:30Oh, cushy.
20:32Oh, I'll pick up my Capri gear in the morning
20:34and I'll get me Director of Commercial Development
20:37to drive the van back.
20:40Dale, I don't want to nag.
20:41Good, I'll put a record on.
20:42Can we afford to splash out £400 on another car?
20:47I mean, do we really need another car?
20:50Yes, we do.
20:51You see, the reason why I thought...
20:52Look, just because the van gives me back eight
20:54was no reason for you to buy another car.
20:56No, I know, but if you listen, you see, there is a very...
20:58It's a waste of money.
20:59You do realise you've got a baby on the way, don't you?
21:01Yes, yes, I do.
21:02Little things do remind me.
21:04You just shut up and listen for a minute, I'll explain.
21:06Look, it's a very dangerous world out there, Raquel,
21:10and I don't want you walking down to the shops or the laundry.
21:13I want you to drive.
21:14That way you'll be safe and sound.
21:16Now, do you understand what I'm saying?
21:18Is that why you bought it?
21:19Yes.
21:20Oh, aren't you lovely?
21:22Yes.
21:24Lovely chocolate.
21:26Do you?
21:28Well, you're only human, aren't you?
21:32Hmm.
21:34Hmm.
21:34Hmm.
21:36Hmm.
21:40Fancy a cup of tea?
21:44Del, it's Albert.
21:46What about Albert?
21:47There's no need to panic, all right?
21:48What's happened to Albert?
21:49He's been mugged.
21:50He's been what?
21:51Is he hurt?
21:52Well, I don't know, but he has got double vision.
21:54Where's this happen, Rodney?
21:56In his eyes.
21:58I don't...
21:59I don't have any noise.
22:00Oh, no, no, sorry, yeah.
22:01As he was walking home from the pub,
22:03I was just coming back from Jevons,
22:04I saw this ambulance here, this big crowd of people,
22:06around him.
22:06Did he recognise anyone?
22:07No.
22:08All he knows is there was four of them.
22:10Well, look, they got him down the hospital.
22:11Come on, let's go.
22:12All right, all right, you stay there.
22:13All right, sweet.
22:13Don't worry.
22:14Listen, we'll sort it out.
22:15All right.
22:15You dick stick, Rodney.
22:23He's just going to put some clothes on and then we'll go.
22:31I said he might be suffering from shock for a few days.
22:34Yeah.
22:35You just wait till I get my hands on the bastards what did it.
22:37Then you'll see what a state of shock really looks like.
22:39Now, you stay out of it.
22:40The police can handle this perfectly well on their own.
22:42No, I don't need the old bill.
22:45People in this area are used to sorting their own problems out.
22:49It's traditional.
22:50You know, I remember once when I was, well, about ten years old,
22:54Mum had some of her jewellery nicked by this good-looking Italian bloke.
22:57Well, he wasn't good-looking after my dad had finished with him.
23:01Well, how could he be certain he was guilty?
23:03Because of the evidence, Rodney, evidence.
23:06Dad found one of Mum's earrings on the back seat of this bloke's car.
23:13Oh, it's all right, Mum.
23:14It's all right.
23:15It's all right, all right.
23:15Just the door.
23:16Stay there, stay there.
23:17It's all right.
23:17Calm down, calm down.
23:23Hi.
23:24Ah.
23:25Hi.
23:26Just came round to see how Albert was.
23:28Yeah, well, he's, er, he's not too good at the moment.
23:32Well, come in.
23:36Hi.
23:36Oh, hello, Cassandra.
23:38I heard what happened to Albert.
23:40How is he?
23:41Well, he looks bloody horrible, doesn't he?
23:43Well, they stole his watch, his wallet, everything.
23:45I know.
23:46How are you feeling, Albert?
23:47I'm a bit bruised, dear.
23:49I was jumped on by five of them.
23:51Yes, all right.
23:51Well, you just keep five of them.
23:54I thought it was...
23:56Never mind, never mind, never mind.
23:57Rodney, er, why don't you make Cassandra a nice cup of coffee?
24:02Hmm?
24:04In the kitchen.
24:07Eh?
24:08In the kitchen.
24:10In the...
24:10Oh, yeah.
24:12Should I make a cup of coffee?
24:14Après moi, la deluge.
24:22Don't say in the Latin quarter.
24:29So, you're working for Dell again?
24:32Yeah, yeah.
24:33Yeah, it wasn't an easy decision.
24:35I've had loads of offers from local companies.
24:38Well, you know what these headhunters are like.
24:40Well, no, not really.
24:42Dell's asked me to be his director of commercial development, you know.
24:45Seek out new openings, find gaps in the market.
24:48And if a gap doesn't exist, create one?
24:50Yeah, yeah, that sort of thing, yeah.
24:52So I thought, well, that'll do me.
24:54Lovely jubbly.
24:55Huh?
24:57I tell you, it is pressure all the way.
24:59I am never off that phone.
25:00Oh, you cut your finger.
25:02Eh?
25:02Yeah, Dell got me to clean his car yesterday in the app.
25:06Yeah, well, I just did it as a favour, you know.
25:09I don't know if you've noticed his new car parked downstairs.
25:12The green Pratt-mobile.
25:14Does he know you call it that?
25:16No.
25:17I don't think he'd be too pleased.
25:21So, things are going well?
25:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:25We're into property development now, theatre.
25:28Toilet rolls?
25:30Yeah, well, that's just the direct retail sales branch of the company, you know.
25:33We've got to have contact in the city.
25:36What, the white city?
25:39There's no need to laugh at us, Cass.
25:41I'm not laughing at you, Rodney.
25:43I'm just trying to break the ice.
25:45Oh.
25:46So, how's our flat?
25:49Much the same as when you left it.
25:51Wish I could say the same about you.
25:54And what's that mean?
25:55You've changed.
25:57You're getting more like Del.
25:58You're full of front and bullshit, Roddy.
26:01Look, you're even wearing the same clothes as Del.
26:04These suits happen to be a new line we're selling, that's all.
26:08These are Romanian.
26:11You're just wearing to let the punters know what they look like.
26:14Do you think that's wise?
26:15We do know our market, Cassandra.
26:18And I'm not getting like Del.
26:20You are, Rodney.
26:22Look, you're even wearing a Del Boy starter kit.
26:26Del told me to wear this because we're...
26:28Look, I understand one thing, Cass.
26:30I'm not getting like Del.
26:32No way, Pedro.
26:34No way, Pedro.
26:38Look, I am very busy, Cassandra.
26:40Yeah.
26:41Well, I'll see you, Rodney.
26:43No, I didn't mean it like that.
26:44Goodbye.
26:45Look, I'll give you a bell during the...
26:47It's all right, all right, that's only me.
26:56I was just putting the security chain on.
26:58No one can get in.
26:59You're safe now.
27:00You all right?
27:01Yeah, I'm all right, son.
27:02What are you doing, Anak?
27:04I'm just looking in my old box.
27:05Hmm.
27:06See that?
27:07Okay.
27:08That's where I was born.
27:10Tobacco Road.
27:11Oh.
27:12Yeah, down by the docks.
27:13Yeah, that's right.
27:14Look, that's where he was born, sweetheart.
27:15Oh.
27:16See that there?
27:17That's the front of Tobacco Road.
27:19There's your nan.
27:20There's your granddad.
27:22He just joined the army doing his bit for king and country.
27:25Oh, yeah.
27:26Why's he got a vest and plimpsoles on?
27:29Oh, he just deserted.
27:32Albert, tomorrow, would you like us to take you back to where you were born?
27:36No, I ain't there any more, dear.
27:38I knocked it down.
27:41Oh, that film you want to see is coming on in a minute.
27:44Oh, thanks.
27:45Hey, what film's that, then?
27:46Out of Africa.
27:46Oh, not another documentary about AIDS, is it?
27:50No, it's a film with Robert Redford.
27:53You don't have a telly about the time I was in Africa?
27:55Yeah, thousands of times.
27:57No.
27:58Why?
27:58What happened, Albert?
28:00Oh, well, during the war...
28:02During the war, I was on this hospital ship.
28:05We'd just picked up some of the wounded from Monty's North African campaign.
28:09We dropped them off in Durban.
28:11Yeah, I helped some of the lads off the ship.
28:14Tragic, I see, some of them.
28:17Bloody tragic.
28:18I cried for them.
28:20Daft, eh?
28:22No.
28:22There's nothing to be ashamed of.
28:24Well, I cried when me mum died.
28:27Yeah, but you were only 16.
28:29I was a full-grown man.
28:31Yeah, well, I shed a tear or two, didn't I, when Rodney got married and left home?
28:36Cried even more when he came back.
28:38Most frightening thing in all my life happened while I was in Africa.
28:44We docked in Durban and a couple of black blokes came out of us and asked if me and my mates wanted to go and see the jungle.
28:50We jumped at a chance.
28:51Well, you like that when you're young, ain't you?
28:53Yeah, well, we've all done it, haven't we?
28:55So we got up on this open lorry and went off.
28:59And after about two hours, the undergrowth got thicker and thicker.
29:03Deep in the heart of the jungle.
29:05Well, anyway, somehow or another, I got cut off from the rest of the party.
29:10I found myself in this clearing.
29:12I just started to retrace me steps when I heard a noise.
29:17I looked round and standing there was the biggest lion I've ever seen.
29:24Oh, well, you need all that, don't you?
29:27I looked at him.
29:29He looked at me.
29:31We just stood there looking at each other.
29:33When suddenly, he went...
29:37What's happening?
29:41You all right, you all right?
29:42Yeah.
29:48I did a very childish thing.
29:51I wet myself.
29:55Poor grown man, I wet myself.
29:57It's all right, all right, hunk.
30:01Nothing to be ashamed of.
30:04Any bloke would have done the same thing,
30:06coming face to face with a man-eating lion.
30:09I don't mean when I was in the jungle.
30:11I meant now, when I was...
30:13I don't believe it.
30:30Oh, Mum.
30:32I've got him.
30:33Yes, go on.
30:34He's got a change of clothes in the airing cupboard.
30:36All right?
30:37Yeah.
30:38How's Albert?
30:39Well, he's not his old self.
30:41Huh?
30:42Oh, good.
30:43What do you mean, good?
30:44No, it's just a joke.
30:45I bloody well hope he was and all.
30:47Yeah, all right.
30:48We'll keep you there, right?
30:50No, no, no.
30:53What?
30:55Oh, nothing, nothing.
30:56No, sorry, no.
30:56No.
30:56So, he's no better, then?
31:12No.
31:14No, he hasn't been out for ages.
31:15The doctor said he should try to get back to a normal life, you know.
31:19Yeah, that's right.
31:19I was there.
31:20Mm.
31:21You know, I reckon the...
31:23I reckon the problem is, right,
31:27you're being very kind and considerate, ain't you?
31:30I mean, you're being patient, understanding.
31:33Oh, yeah.
31:34Well, that's not normal, is it?
31:36What do you want?
31:37A doughboy around your ear roll, Rodney?
31:38Ah, now you see, that's normal.
31:41Do you see what I'm getting at?
31:42Well, it's flat, right?
31:43It's all hurly-burly, people shouting and arguing at each other, isn't it?
31:47I mean, we don't mean any harm, it's just the way we are.
31:49But now, we're treating Albert with kid gloves.
31:52Now, if it goes on much longer, he'll start using that as the norm.
31:56And then when we go back to the real normality,
31:58he'll go back into shock again.
32:00So you reckon we ought to toughen up on him?
32:03Well, I mean, gently, gently, if folks ain't worked, has it?
32:05I can't be hard on him, Rodney.
32:07No, well, I mean, nor can I.
32:09But...
32:10We'd be doing it for him, wouldn't we?
32:15I mean, otherwise, Dale, believe me,
32:17he's going to take root in this flat.
32:20Yeah, maybe.
32:21Oh, here you are, Ron.
32:23Come.
32:24No, no, no, no, son.
32:26I'll sit over there.
32:27All right.
32:27All right, if I have a bandage, you'll...
32:29Yeah, it's all right, I'll get you...
32:32No, no, no, no, it's all right.
32:33You know where it is.
32:34Go on, help yourself.
32:36Yeah.
32:36Well, we have got a very, very busy day ahead of us tomorrow, Dale.
32:42Oh, yes, yes, yes, we have, haven't we, Rodney?
32:44That's right, yes, so we won't have any time to go down to Packies
32:46and get any shopping, will we?
32:47No.
32:48And we can't expect Raquel to do it, can we?
32:50Not in her condition.
32:51No, certainly can't.
32:53So, what are we going to do then, eh?
32:59Well, we'll have to send Albert down to the shops.
33:02Albert, you'll have to go down to the shops.
33:04I can't go out there, Dale.
33:05Yes, you can.
33:06I don't feel really up to it yet, Dale.
33:09Wait.
33:11You go down there and get them fish fingers.
33:14You listen to me.
33:15Rodney and I are very busy at the moment
33:17because Trotter's independent traders
33:19are going through a phase of commercial augmentation, right?
33:24And what with Raquel dropping her chavvy?
33:28I mean, we don't want any lame ducks, right?
33:32Because you're getting under our feet.
33:33You understand what I'm talking about?
33:35So you better get up and get out
33:36because you're no good to us the way you are.
33:38All right?
33:44Yeah.
33:46Yeah, I understand, Dale.
33:51I understand.
33:54Good night, boys.
33:58That was a bit hard, wasn't it?
34:07A bit hard?
34:08You just told me they should toughen up on it, didn't you?
34:10Oh, I'm just saying, you know.
34:11It was a bit tougher than I expected, that's all.
34:17Comfortable in that chair, wasn't it?
34:21Yeah?
34:21No.
34:22Just take this in to Uncle Albert,
34:35and then I'll do your muesli.
34:36Oh, lovely jubbly.
34:40Oh, look.
34:41All these other ones say the same thing.
34:44Albert Trotter lost its suit.
34:46Oh, he's gone.
34:46Hmm?
34:47Gone?
34:47Where's he gone?
34:47Well, he's not there.
34:49He's left a note.
34:50I won't get under your feet any longer.
34:52Your loving Uncle Albert.
34:55I see that.
34:58That's because of what you said last night.
35:00Because of what I said?
35:02I didn't want to say anything until you told me.
35:04Don't you blame me, Derek.
35:05I was only trying to get him out of his flat and back on his feet.
35:07I am not blaming anyone.
35:08I'm just pointing out...
35:09I can't argue.
35:09We can't find him.
35:11Well, where's he gone?
35:12I don't know.
35:13Go and look.
35:13Oh, she's right.
35:14Come on, he's gone.
35:16I'll take the van.
35:17You take the Pratmobile.
35:18Yes.
35:19You would say.
35:30Here you are.
35:31What do you mean, Pratmobile?
35:32We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
35:39We're so sorry if we caused you anything.
35:45We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
35:52But there's no one left at home.
35:56And I believe I'm going to rain.
35:59We're so sorry, but we had nothing all day.
36:28We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:35But if anything should happen, we'll be sure to give a ring.
36:50Hello.
36:52No, Rodney.
36:53No, no luck at this end.
36:55How about you?
36:55We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
37:02We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
37:08But we haven't done a bloody thing.
37:11We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
37:14We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
37:19We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
37:20But the kettle's on the boil.
37:24And we're so easily going away.
37:28Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:34We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
37:50We're so sorry.
37:50I don't know.
38:20You all right, Unc?
38:29What are you two doing here?
38:32We were worried about you, silly old git.
38:35We've been looking all over London for you.
38:38We found you now.
38:40How did you know I'd be here?
38:42Just a guess, really.
38:45You were born around here, weren't you?
38:47Yeah, Tobacco Road.
38:49My house was somewhere around here.
38:57What's this all about then, eh?
39:00Running away from home at your age.
39:03A lot of things been going through my mind lately, Del.
39:06I didn't know if I was coming or going.
39:10I feel I let the family down.
39:12I'll let you two down.
39:16No.
39:18Don't be so bloody daft.
39:20You didn't let anybody down.
39:22I needed to be alone for a while.
39:25But where were you going to go?
39:27I hadn't given it much thought, Ronnie.
39:32I didn't realise things had changed so much.
39:35When I first left home, I was about 15.
39:39I just come down here and got a job on a tramp steamer.
39:43Life seemed easier then.
39:45Well, things ain't all that much different now,
39:50but you can always come home to your family.
39:57Thanks, sir.
39:59Come on in, let's go.
40:00You know, once upon a time,
40:04ships from all over the world used to sail in here.
40:07The water used to be covered with a film of oil.
40:10And when the sun shone on it,
40:13it sparkled with all different colours.
40:19When I was a kid,
40:20I used to think rainbows lived in the water.
40:24So you was a bit of a divvy in them days and all, were you?
40:28Oi.
40:30Oh, sorry.
40:33There were tugs nudging freighters into position.
40:37Cranes lifting out timber from Canada.
40:40Bananas from Jamaica.
40:43The pubs and the cafes.
40:45They were filled with sailors from a hundred countries.
40:49By the time I was seven,
40:52I could swear in ten different languages.
40:55There used to be streets all around here.
40:57Loads of two up and two down houses.
41:01Doctors' mansions, they called them.
41:04Ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall.
41:07Women used to come out and chase us away with their brooms.
41:10They were rough people.
41:17But they were good people.
41:20During the Blitz,
41:21some of them painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse
41:24so that the Luftwaffe pilots could see it.
41:28It said,
41:29Dear Adolf,
41:31you can brag hardwinders.
41:35But not our hearts.
41:42Look at what I've done to it now.
41:44It's terrific, isn't it?
41:50Terrific.
41:53Yeah.
41:54I mean, do you know how much some of these drums are worth, Rodney?
41:57I'll tell you how much they're worth.
41:58They're worth an arm and a leg.
42:01You know, Lord Lindley's got one of these.
42:03And Michael Caine.
42:04Oh, yeah.
42:07Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it, eh?
42:11I could do with a bit of this.
42:14No, I could see myself with a nice little black Porsche
42:17parked outside
42:18with the old windsurfer
42:19strapped to the roof rack.
42:22And have a few friends down, you know, from the city
42:25and we'll have a private party in the pub yonder.
42:28Poff a few glasses of the old Moet.
42:30Because I'm a champagne and liver sausage sandwich man, man.
42:35Then we'll watch the old currant bun go down
42:38behind the Docklands Arena.
42:42Oh, yeah.
42:43Paradise.
42:46And after a few years,
42:47when the old property prices start to rocket,
42:51we'll knock it out of some rich Arab
42:53for twice the purchase price.
42:57Lovely jubbly.
43:00You all right, Albert?
43:03I'm all right, love.
43:04You didn't have to go running off like that.
43:07Del didn't mean anything.
43:09I know, he explained it to me.
43:12It's just that I felt...
43:13I felt like a failure.
43:15I'm not a coward, Raquel.
43:17There was nothing I could do.
43:19There were six of them.
43:21I know.
43:23Albert, nobody thinks you're...
43:26six of them.
43:28Right.
43:28Where's Rodney?
43:31Went out for a drink again.
43:33Well, that explains it.
43:35I met a couple of winos this afternoon.
43:37Drunk as newts they were.
43:38Said they were celebrating St. Rodney's Day.
43:41I hope he hasn't gone to the Nag's head.
43:44Why?
43:45What's happening down there tonight?
43:46Nothing.
43:46I just hope he hasn't gone down to the Nag's head.
43:56Is that the bell, Del?
43:57Yes.
43:58Here I am.
44:00No.
44:00You get it, will you?
44:01I'm busy.
44:03Raquel?
44:03No, Raquel can't go.
44:05She's busy and all.
44:06You answer it.
44:07Me?
44:08Hmm.
44:08You.
44:10Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of, is there?
44:11I'm here, aren't I?
44:12You're going to have to answer the door sometime or another.
44:14It might as well be now.
44:18Albert, answer the door.
44:20Oh.
44:20Who's there?
44:27Knock, knock.
44:34It's Knock, knock.
44:35Oh, is it?
44:38Oh, I can't see him, Del.
44:39Of course you can't see him.
44:40You haven't opened the door yet.
44:42I don't want to see him.
44:43I can't face it, Del.
44:45Come on, all right.
44:46All right.
44:47Look, I'll go.
44:48I'll go.
44:49You can talk to Knock, knock, Albert.
44:50He's your friend.
44:51I don't want to talk to him, not at the moment.
44:54But he's most probably come to see how you are.
44:56I might even have bought you a bunch of grapes.
44:57No, I'm not feeling all that well.
45:01I think I'll go to my room.
45:03Oi!
45:05You stay right where you are.
45:11Yes, that was Knock, knock.
45:13And look, he brought this back for you.
45:15That was a bit of luck, wasn't it?
45:16That's your pocket watch, Albert.
45:19Where's he got it from?
45:20He found it under the bushes on that patch of grass near the swings.
45:23What, where Albert was mugged last week?
45:25No, where Albert and Knock, knock, whilst walking home from the pub last week, had a fight.
45:33He had a fight?
45:34Yes, over Marlene's mum.
45:37And Knock, knock, knocked him out.
45:40You never were mugged, were you, you lying old git?
45:44What about his money that went missing?
45:46Well, he lost it all, didn't he?
45:48At Domino's to Knock, knock.
45:51Oh, Albert.
45:52I didn't know what to say.
45:55I felt silly losing to a man three years older than myself.
45:58He kept saying he was bettering me at everything.
46:01So I squared up to him and he hit me.
46:04I didn't realise the problems that you put us to.
46:08I mean, the police have been out there making investigations.
46:10I've been running around looking for five muggers.
46:12Six.
46:13Six?
46:14Oh, it's six now, is it?
46:15Any more offers?
46:17I was embarrassed.
46:18Once I said it, I couldn't go back.
46:22Oh, Del, you should have been down and that's it.
46:25There was a punch-up to end all punch-ups.
46:28Well, what happened then?
46:29Well, that gang of skinheads was in there, right?
46:31The ones that Del said had mugged Albert.
46:32Anyway, you know Oily Olly, the greaser, right?
46:35His gang's come in.
46:36They've only attacked their skinheads.
46:38God, there was blood up the wall.
46:39There was grease on the ceiling.
46:41Olly and his boys took a right hammering.
46:43Well, it turns out them skinheads ain't skinheads at all.
46:46They're coppers.
46:48They're what?
46:49They're undercover policemen.
46:50They was put on the estate a couple of weeks back when the mugging started.
46:54Oh, no, my God.
46:57What's up, Del?
47:00Well, anyone would have done the same thing, wouldn't they, eh?
47:04You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
47:07Well, I wanted to get revenge for that dozy old twonk.
47:11So I sort of...
47:12I gave Olly a hundred quid to sort it out.
47:16Oh, for God's sake!
47:18This baby will be born premature if I hang around you much longer.
47:21Yeah, well, be fair, sweetheart.
47:22They look like muggers, didn't they?
47:25Well, when Oliver and his army get out of hospital,
47:28I've got a fair idea where their first port of call's going to be.
47:32Yeah, me too.
47:34Well, they'd better not try anything when we're around.
47:36I was Royal Navy Boxing Champion.
47:38I'm gonna kill him.
47:39I am.
47:40I'm gonna kill him now.