- 8 hours ago
Entertainment
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one which drives me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La la la, la la la la, la la la la
00:38La la la la la, la la la la
00:59La la la la la lable
01:13Oh, my God.
01:43Oh, my God.
02:13Our jet copters arrive, Draco.
02:15I'll summon the maid.
02:17I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
02:21How long's he going to be in there?
02:23Oh, trust me, I'll.
02:25He's putting together a very important deal.
02:28He was talking to President Reeve him, wasn't he?
02:31President Reeves?
02:33Really?
02:33There you are, Ruddy.
02:42Where you been?
02:43Damien phoned for you hours ago.
02:44I know.
02:45State transportation workers have gone on strike.
02:48On strike?
02:50I thought Damien had made strikes illegal.
02:52Yes.
02:53The police were shooting them as I left.
02:56Damien said he wanted to see me urgently.
02:59Mm, mm.
03:00I'll take you through.
03:03Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:05I've heard it all before.
03:08Oh, bonnet de douche.
03:10Bonnet de douche.
03:11Oh, I'm saying, Mr. President, isn't it?
03:15Oh, shut up, you tart.
03:19Look at me, Keanu.
03:20You just sit there in the White House all day, twiddling your thumbs.
03:23You're just playing at leadership.
03:25People are beginning to see through you.
03:27What's wrong with going to war with China?
03:30War is good.
03:32What a boy.
03:33What a boy.
03:35Well, of course millions will be killed.
03:37A war without death is like a salad without watercress.
03:41Oh, you worry too much.
03:44I've got a busy night, so I'll make the declaration tomorrow.
03:48What's going on here?
03:50I ordered a messenger over an hour ago.
03:53He's here, Damien.
03:54Damien's here, look there.
03:58Uncle Rodney.
04:07Damien?
04:07I want you in Beijing for the war.
04:10You report back to me.
04:12War?
04:14I don't want to go to war.
04:16War is good.
04:20I don't want to go to war.
04:22What would your Uncle Albert say?
04:24I don't know.
04:26We'll ask him then, won't we?
04:28You rang your lordship.
04:48Shout out.
04:50What are you doing here?
04:52Damien took over my bank and fired me.
04:54Now I'm the maid.
05:00What's your job, Rud?
05:02No. This isn't fair.
05:06Rodney.
05:07It's not right. You shouldn't be doing this.
05:11Rodney.
05:12Everything was nice and now you're going to mess it all up.
05:15Rodney.
05:16I want to go back to how it used to be.
05:19Rodney.
05:21Rodney.
05:23Rodney.
05:24Rodney.
05:26Rodney.
05:28Rodney.
05:29Rodney, wake up, you dipstick.
05:34Oh, God, it was a dream.
05:36Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Hoban again, have you?
05:41Oh, no, I just drifted off there for a while.
05:44Oh, man, I had the wildest dream.
05:46Well, yeah, what was it about?
05:48Was it about sunshine and little birdies and that all going tweet, tweet, tweet, was it?
05:52All right, sorry.
05:53Sorry. So, what's happening?
05:56What's happening?
05:57What is happening? I'll tell you what's happening.
05:59We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.
06:06We've also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse riders' crash hats that some git has sprayed red.
06:16We've also got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans wouldn't wear.
06:21Oh.
06:21And also, my home improvement grant has been rejected. Apart from that, everything is fine.
06:28Thank God. Everything normal.
06:31Raquel!
06:32Darling, there's a letter out here for you.
06:33What's the matter with you, anyway, falling asleep a quarter to eight in the morning?
06:36Won't you get enough sleep at home or what?
06:38You know my situation. It's Cassandra and this baby thing, isn't it?
06:43Hospitals worked out another schedule for us.
06:46I met it like a rattlesnake, Delis.
06:48I always thought that was your ambition.
06:51Well, some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House, don't they?
06:56Don't mean they want to sing it three bloody times a night.
06:58No, and off, mate, your throat's sore, wouldn't it?
07:03Yes.
07:08I put her on a special diet and all that.
07:10What?
07:11The gyna...
07:12The gynaecologist.
07:14Right, he reckons it's only a matter of time, but Cass keeps getting all broody.
07:18I got her a rabbit.
07:22Rabbit? What's that? Part of her diet, is it?
07:24No, a pet rabbit.
07:26Oh.
07:26That's something she made a fuss over.
07:27I know it was a stupid idea. I wish I hadn't bothered now.
07:30So, at the hospital, they passed all the tests and that, have they?
07:33Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:34And, oi, this is personal. I don't want this being broadcast.
07:37Of course not. Who's going to listen?
07:40I suppose you've had her tubes looked at, have you?
07:42Yes!
07:43Good.
07:44Everything's fine. We just can't crack the case.
07:47Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic and God knows what else.
07:52Because it's all to do with ovums and... things.
07:56The hospital keeps showing me this film of inside the human body.
08:02God, then I've put you off, Del.
08:05Yeah, I should think so.
08:07Give me Debbie Does Dallas any day of the week.
08:11Anyway, listen, come on, we'll have a spot of breakfast and we go down to market.
08:14What do you fancy? Boiled egg?
08:16No.
08:20Oi, Del.
08:21Yeah?
08:22Can I ask a favour?
08:23Yeah.
08:24Can I ask this afternoon off?
08:27What? She hasn't booked you in for another C and two, has she?
08:29No, no, no, no.
08:30What?
08:31No, we're having a celebratory lunch because, um...
08:33What? It's my birthday.
08:35It's your birthday?
08:36Oh, a la Bruce Shet.
08:40It's your birthday, I forgot all about it, didn't I?
08:44Oh, sorry.
08:44Look, well, if it's your birthday in that case, Roddy, the answer is no.
08:49You wouldn't expect Richard Branston to want the afternoon off?
08:52I doubt it, he don't even know it's my birthday.
08:58Not your birthday, I mean, if it was his birthday.
09:01No, because he wouldn't be too busy down the old financial fast lane.
09:05He wouldn't be going out, jodding it up, just because it's his birthday.
09:09Oh, all right, then.
09:13Of course you're going to have me out of the door.
09:15It's your birthday, isn't it?
09:16Hey, hey, hey, come on.
09:17I bet you thought I forgot, isn't it?
09:20There you go, there's your card.
09:21look birthday boy that one's from Damien
09:31no don't worry about those for a minute take a look at that that is a present
09:37from me and Raquel of course chunky gold identity bracelet yeah I can see that oh
09:50it's just like mine Rodney see that look at that it's great that 24 karat gold no
09:56rubbish look it's even got your name on it look Rooney no no no no that says look
10:05Rodney nice is Rooney should be right no no no that is a D it's just it's like
10:13copperplate writing oh come on I don't want you getting all over emotional on
10:23me what's that it's a chunky gold to identity bracelet Rooney looks like
10:44Rooney that's an O isn't it no that's that's a day he's copper plate writing
10:48well looks like Rooney from where I'm standing where'd you get it from it's
10:53your birthday present oh it's your birthday sorry happy birthday Rodney
10:59thanks Dale chose the present I didn't even know what he got you where is he he's
11:05in the kitchen he's a bit disappointed actually the council just turned down
11:08his application for a home improvement grant I suppose they didn't have half a
11:12million pounds handy so what's he want to do then who knows put an extension on the
11:17balcony and build a double garage knowing it no oh contraire I just wanted
11:235,000 pounds so I can improve the kitchen units that's all well that sounds fair
11:27enough oh get real Rodney there was no way he was gonna put new units in he just
11:31wanted the five grand oh no because the council would have checked to see you'd
11:36have the work carried out all you gotta do is to give them 18 months of story and
11:41they forget all about it because you're too busy organizing carnivals and things
11:45anyway they've turned me down I don't want to discuss it because now it's epidemic in it
11:51who's the letter from sweetheart I don't know yet
11:56look at this gits
12:02morning Damien I got a new hat dad got it for me yeah I know it's a cracker and all in it son
12:12eh my dad gets me everything do you wanna play war no I'm a bit busy come on Ronnie you've got time for a little battle
12:24no no I'm all right honest all right you stay there chat I'll get your cereal right when I'm older with people still wear baseball caps when you're older Damien people will wear whatever you tell them to wear
12:38oh
12:43oh
12:45little git
12:47I fought for this country shot and shell and how they treat you bloody fair I
12:54I
12:57know Dale but your socks look like the bomb squad's been having a go at all I need now is that hospital I'll get you and Cassandra pregnant and I'll have two of the little sods bouncing things on me
13:06what do you know about me and Cassandra in the hospital nothing son nothing at all
13:11what's an ovum
13:12what's an ovum
13:14I don't believe you were you listening to me and Dale's conversation
13:18I wasn't listening I just heard
13:22don't worry you know me son I'm saying nothing
13:26blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip
13:30squad attention
13:31there you are
13:32morning Admiral
13:33listen you be careful where you go and collect your pension down at the post office today there's a gang of muggers hanging about this area
13:39no I don't worry me son I box for the Navy
13:43they used to call my left hand Trotters Trembler
13:46I wonder what they called your right hand
13:50hey Rodney Rodney come on come on quick come on let's go let's go let's go
13:56what's the hurry
13:57come on just let's go Rodney
13:59would you want me to loan the van that
14:00no no no no no no we haven't got time for that
14:02I've got to take the capy gear in to tune it up and I've got to meet a bloke down the market and you get your coat on again
14:08you get your coat on and get out of here
14:10go on for where you are
14:11see you later sweetheart
14:12bye
14:15what's he in such Harry for?
14:17I don't know
14:20oh no not again
14:22did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal?
14:35yes
14:36trigger you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal
14:41no
14:42she said
14:43I thank you on behalf of the council and the people of Peckham
14:53morning Sid
14:54what do you fancy brothers?
14:56half a cheese roll
14:57one cheese roll
14:59I still find it hard to believe
15:01so do I
15:02medals for road sweepers
15:04good god they'll be giving Delvoy an award for good taste next
15:08good morning all
15:09good morning Del
15:10thank god you've arrived
15:13he could bore you two with it now
15:15what's that?
15:17trigger's got a medal
15:20oh yeah
15:21where did you find that then?
15:22no I was awarded it
15:24look
15:26it's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray
15:29see
15:30that's me
15:31oh that's you
15:34I'm glad you cleared that up
15:37here
15:38have a look at that minute trick will you?
15:42oh right
15:43so that's that Councillor Murray is it?
15:46she's the old coward that refused my application for a council grant
15:50I've never been so humiliated in my life
15:53Derek
15:54when you have the time you must tell me all about it
15:57hey
15:58that do mean some of your friends down at the masonic lodge have got influence in the town hall
16:03no
16:04it's just that I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant
16:11the day started off so well didn't it?
16:14it's Councillor Murray's idea
16:16she's head of finance and facilities at the town hall
16:19and she says that local people should be rewarded for services to the community
16:24a proud moment in my family's history
16:26trigger
16:27you haven't got a family history
16:30you were created by a chemical spillage
16:32at a germ warfare factory somewhere off the depth of Boston
16:36maybe
16:37but I still feel proud
16:43so what exactly is the award for?
16:45for saving the council money
16:47I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last 20 years
16:52she was very impressed and said have a medal
16:5420 years
16:57that's a long time Dave
16:59yeah
17:01well that's two decades
17:02I wouldn't go that far
17:03just a second
17:04just a second
17:06just a second
17:09if you've had that broom for 20 years
17:11have you actually swept any roads with it?
17:14of course
17:16but look after it, well
17:18we have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers
17:20look after your broom
17:21of road sweepers. Look after your broom.
17:24Would your broom look after you?
17:27No, Dave. It's just, look after your broom.
17:34Now that I'll say. Yeah. And that's what I've done.
17:37I've maintained it for 20 years.
17:41This old broom has had 17 new heads
17:46and 14 new handles here, it's time.
17:51How the hell can it be the same bloody broom?
17:57Well, here's a picture of it. What more proof do you need?
18:03This has come as a bit of a shock to me.
18:06I haven't heard from you for years.
18:09The last time we met, I got the impression I wasn't very important in your life any more.
18:14Yeah, I understand.
18:17OK, let's meet.
18:19No, I'll come to you.
18:22This weekend?
18:23I'm not sure.
18:26Del?
18:27I don't know, really. I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth.
18:30I'll give you a call.
18:33OK.
18:36I know you do.
18:38Of course I still love you.
18:40Bye.
18:41All right, sweetheart?
18:55Yeah.
18:56What have you been up to?
18:57Oh, me? I haven't been down the market.
19:00I met a bloke.
19:02Done a deal about some electric donut makers.
19:05Yeah, while I was down here, I pubbed into Boise.
19:08He told me that Mike down in the next head selling tickets for a party on Saturday night.
19:13You know, would you like to go?
19:15This weekend?
19:16Yeah.
19:17No, not really.
19:19Oh.
19:20OK.
19:22Any phone calls?
19:23Er, no.
19:24Del, can we talk?
19:28Of course we can.
19:29There's something I've got to tell you.
19:32I'd like to sit down.
19:38I mean both of us.
19:40Right, yeah.
19:52That letter I got this morning, it was from my mum and dad.
19:56I've just got off the phone to them.
19:59Oh, it's from your mum.
20:05Yes.
20:06Yeah.
20:07What's on my hand?
20:08I'm terrific.
20:09Oh, dear.
20:11I didn't know you had a mum and dad.
20:15What I meant was that, well, you'd never mentioned them before.
20:18Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business.
20:22I said I wanted to be a dancer and act and everything.
20:27My dad, he's a bit old fashioned.
20:28He said some nasty things.
20:30You can imagine.
20:32So I stormed out.
20:34Went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them.
20:37Until now.
20:38They got my address from the landlord at my old flat.
20:41They'd been phoning for the last couple of weeks but they just kept getting the answer machine.
20:43Yeah, well, I know, darling.
20:45I mean, a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on answer machines, don't they?
20:49No, they left lots of messages but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.
20:53Oh, dear.
20:56I don't know what's wrong with this machine.
20:58I reckon that some of the electronic circuitry needs adjusting, that's all.
21:03You know, like that.
21:06So I phoned them.
21:08We had a nice chat.
21:10They seemed different, sort of understanding.
21:15I cried.
21:16Hey, hey, hey.
21:20It's all right, it's all right.
21:21Come on, sweetheart.
21:23My mum said they missed me.
21:26My dad said he loved me.
21:29Oh, well, come on.
21:30That is lovely jubbly, isn't it?
21:33I told them about Damien.
21:36Yeah.
21:37They were pleased.
21:39They seemed really excited they had a grandson.
21:42Told them all about him.
21:43All the little things he does.
21:46Did you, you know, tell them about me?
21:53I mentioned you.
21:57Did you, you know, tell them what I did?
22:00No, there wasn't time.
22:02They just wanted to know about Damien.
22:05Oh, yeah, of course.
22:06Of course they would.
22:07That's all right, yeah.
22:09They mentioned going up there at the weekend.
22:10They want to meet him.
22:12Oh, that'd be nice.
22:13Well, we'll pop up there then, shall we?
22:16Yeah.
22:18The thing is, well, see, my dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy and he hasn't been well recently.
22:26God, this bloody thing.
22:28And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.
22:34So I don't have to offend you.
22:36That's the last time that I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson.
22:40Look.
22:42Right then, the weekend.
22:44Oh, Mont Blanc.
22:46Oh, no, I can't go on Saturday.
22:50Because I've got to go up to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of aubergines.
22:54Oh.
22:56Oh.
22:58And they were really looking forward to meeting you as well.
23:01Never mind.
23:03All right, sweet.
23:04I'll tell you what.
23:05Why don't you and Damie go and have a nice time?
23:08Hey, why don't you take the Capri gear and let them see that their little girl has done all right for herself?
23:14Thanks, dear.
23:16I do love you.
23:19Yeah, I know.
23:20Well, I mean, that's all a bloke, really, isn't it?
23:24Anyway, what does your dad do?
23:27He's an antique dealer.
23:28Is he really?
23:30No, no, that's interesting, you see, because in the garage...
23:33I'm not taking anything with me.
23:35No, all right, then.
23:36No, okay, no, that's fair enough.
23:38Just a thought, that was all.
23:40Now, go on, you go, darling.
23:41Build a few bridges, eh?
23:43I'll try.
23:45I'll make you a coffee.
23:46Yeah, that'd be lovely.
23:59Mum was crying.
24:01Oh, what's that chant?
24:02Mum was crying.
24:03Oh, was she?
24:04Oh dear, never mind.
24:06Come and sit here.
24:07Women do that, you know.
24:09You'll learn that when you get a bit older.
24:11Anyway, you know where you're going on Saturday?
24:14You're going to go and see your Nan and your Grandad.
24:16I've got Nan and Grandad.
24:17Yes, you have now.
24:19Did you get them for me?
24:21Me?
24:23They belong to your mum.
24:25Oh, they're going to make a right fuss of you, they are.
24:27They'll love you, because they're lovely people.
24:30What are they called?
24:31Hmm?
24:32What are they called?
24:33Well, they're called, um...
24:36Um...
24:38Nan and Grandad.
24:39I'll feed Roger.
24:40Yeah, trapped a carrot in earlier.
24:41Good.
24:42Don't worry.
24:43I'm not.
24:44It's only once tonight.
24:45Alright.
24:46At least I think it is.
24:47Just the ones.
24:48Look at Tuesday.
24:49Happy birthday again.
24:51I'll leave off case.
24:52Sorry.
24:53Sorry.
24:54I'm not.
24:55It's only once tonight.
24:56Alright.
24:57At least I think it is.
24:58Just the ones.
24:59Look at Tuesday.
25:00Happy birthday again.
25:02I'll leave off case.
25:03Sorry.
25:04Rooney.
25:05They'll have to be the only bloke who can buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to
25:09a dyslexic engraver.
25:10You've got lots of nice bits and stuff.
25:11I know.
25:12I know.
25:13I know.
25:14I know.
25:15I know.
25:16I know.
25:17I know.
25:18I know.
25:19I know.
25:20I know.
25:21I know.
25:22I know.
25:23I know.
25:24I know.
25:25I know.
25:26I know.
25:27I know.
25:28I know.
25:29I know.
25:30You've got lots of nice presents as well.
25:33Yes.
25:34I did.
25:35And I spoke to Mummy today and she said, as a special birthday present to you, why don't
25:39we fly over to the villa next week?
25:41I'm owed some time off and Del hasn't given you a holiday since, well, he hasn't given
25:46you a holiday.
25:47I thought it might help.
25:50Sangria.
25:51Warm evenings.
25:52Yeah.
25:53Sounds good, doesn't it?
25:55Hold on.
25:56What about a rabbit?
25:57Couldn't we give it to Del?
25:59No, he'd eat it.
26:00Well, aren't there any sort of kennels?
26:03You know, a place that looks after rabbits.
26:05Like a cattery, but well a rabbit tree.
26:07A rabbit tree?
26:08That's a Chinese Thai look.
26:10Hang on.
26:11Have you got your mum and dad looking after him?
26:14Hardly.
26:15They'll be at the villa with us.
26:16They'll be there as well?
26:18Where are we supposed to relax and stick to the schedule?
26:23Are your mum and dad there?
26:24I've figured it out, Rodney.
26:26We won't do it in front of them.
26:29Right.
26:30When we want to, you know, relax, we'll go to our bedroom.
26:35What do you think?
26:37They'll be in a room next to us.
26:40I mean, what about all the panting and the screaming and the yes, yes, yes?
26:45You just have to control yourself.
26:52Besides, I can't leave Del.
26:53Business ain't going too well.
26:54Oh, come on, Rodney.
26:56I can't care.
26:57Still needs me here.
26:59You go.
27:00You don't mind?
27:02Well, of course I don't.
27:04A rest would do you good.
27:07It means we'll have to put our schedule on ice for a week.
27:12Well, I'm afraid so.
27:14You both got tickets for Saturday's party?
27:24I can tell you're looking forward to it.
27:28Here, Boise, you and Marlene fancy something nice to eat?
27:33Yeah, I do as it happens, Mike.
27:36Shall we pop down the harvester in a minute?
27:43I don't get much trade, but I do have a good laugh.
27:47Bloody hell.
27:48Here, Trig, do you fancy a ticket?
27:51Tenner each?
27:52Yeah, right-o, mate.
27:53What do you mean, right-o, mate?
27:55You don't even know what they're for.
27:58It's bound to tell you on a ticket, ain't it?
28:04I didn't think of that.
28:05Here, do you know, Trig, every year, us publicans,
28:08we hold a fancy dress ball.
28:10You know, prize is the lot.
28:12This year, it's old Harry Malcolm's turn.
28:14He's the governor down at the Crown and Anchor.
28:16He's holding the party at his house.
28:18He's got a great barn of a place over on the common.
28:20Hey, the first prize is a brand-new stereo system
28:23worth over £1,000.
28:25Yeah, fancy dress.
28:26I've only got my mower suit and my best jumper.
28:29Perfect.
28:31Did I tell you about my medal?
28:33Yeah, three times yesterday and twice this morning.
28:37Did I tell you, Marlene?
28:38Yes, love, you sent us a fax last night.
28:41All right, Mike?
28:44Oh, watch it, sweetheart.
28:45Hey!
28:46Stop it, honestly.
28:47Cassandra, get off all right then, did she?
28:48Yeah, yeah, just got packed in the airport.
28:50Hey, and Raquel's a waiter, isn't she?
28:52Bet you two will be out gallivanting Saturday night.
28:54No, not at all, sweetheart.
28:55A mug of Bourne, Vita, a plate of toast,
28:56a match of the day for us brothers, innit?
28:57Oh, heaven.
28:58Oh, that's nice.
28:59Rooney?
29:00No, that is Rodney.
29:01You see, it's not an O.
29:02It looks like an O, but it's not, cos it's...
29:04Copperplate writing.
29:05It's quite up today, innit?
29:06Yeah.
29:07Yeah.
29:08Yeah.
29:09Yeah.
29:10Yeah.
29:11Yeah.
29:12Yeah.
29:13Yeah.
29:14Yeah.
29:15Yeah.
29:16Yeah.
29:17Yeah.
29:18Yeah.
29:19Yeah.
29:20Yeah.
29:21Yeah.
29:22Yeah.
29:23Yeah.
29:24Yeah.
29:25Yeah.
29:26Yeah.
29:27Yeah.
29:28Yeah.
29:29He's got more life in one of his meat pies over there.
29:32Come on, Michael, give us a drink, will ya?
29:34Lager top for Rodney, and I'll have, er, a Baileys and cherry-abe.
29:41Hey, Dale, do you fancy something to eat?
29:43How's about a nice plate of beef stew?
29:45Oh, yeah.
29:46Go on, I'll have some of that then.
29:47It'd keep the cold out, won't it?
29:48Oh, you won't be careful with the old beef, Dale.
29:50Oh, shut up, you brass.
29:52I dunno what you're worried about.
29:53I've been eating British beef all my life.
29:56egg and chips please mate
30:06what do you want roughly
30:08something that was fresh this morning
30:10alright give him the daily mirror will you
30:12alright
30:13alright dull boy
30:15alright dull boy
30:17any look
30:19yes loads of it Denzel all bad
30:21I bumped into Paddy the Greek
30:23do you remember those nine carat
30:2524 carat gold
30:27well apparently they've all been
30:31deported along with Ugandan
30:33Morris
30:34why do you trust him with all that gold in the first place
30:37because he told me he was an exporter
30:39yeah an exporter
30:41he just had to sack them for his rile
30:43life's one long
30:49struggle isn't it
30:50I feel a bit like that King Farouk
30:54trying to hold back the tide
30:55what a kid to look after now
30:59it's Canute
31:00yeah you can say that again
31:02yeah Del
31:04do you want to buy a ticket for a publican's ball
31:06yeah certainly
31:07which one left or right
31:08your loss
31:12yes well I've got to go
31:14the host is a fellow mason
31:16mind you
31:17last year's do was a good laugh
31:19well I heard it all ended up in a punch-up
31:21yes it did but during the struggle
31:24Marlene got a whack in the know
31:26and you did nothing about it did you
31:29well how could I
31:30you threw the first punch
31:31were you injured
31:33no fortunately her makeup cushioned the blow
31:36I have just remembered
31:41I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen
31:43to the clinic this morning
31:44I've gone and left it in the kitchen
31:49on your worktop
31:50that's the word
31:51don't worry
31:51you can take it in a moroculture
31:52no you don't understand
31:53it mustn't be left in direct sunlight
31:56right
31:56you've got to find a cool dark spot
31:58where it won't be disturbed
31:59how about Boyce's pants
32:01everything's fine Raquel
32:11although there's no food in the fridge
32:13no I'm not complaining
32:15you just have a nice time girl
32:17all right
32:17oh hold on
32:19hold on
32:19I think Del's back
32:20Del boy
32:22sorry
32:22is Raquel on the phone
32:25oh right
32:26okay
32:26no tell her
32:26I'll take it in the bedroom
32:27all right
32:28he's gonna take it in the bedroom love
32:31see you soon
32:31bye
32:32I suppose your Cassandra
32:36will be there by now
32:37yeah
32:37yeah
32:38she'd have landed about an hour ago
32:39bloody rooney
32:41I don't know why
32:43you wear an ID bracelet
32:44men
32:45real men
32:45didn't wear them in my day
32:47I used to wear them
32:48dog tags
32:49round your neck
32:49that was an ID necklace
32:51completely different
32:52to be honest with you
32:54I don't really want to wear this thing
32:56but
32:56I don't want to hurt Del's feelings
32:58oh I understand boy
32:59yeah
32:59during the war
33:01oh
33:01I had a mate
33:04who had exactly the same problem
33:06his mum had bought him a gold watch
33:08and he hated it
33:10but he didn't want to hurt her feelings
33:11so what'd he do
33:13well one night
33:14he went round all the pubs in Portsmouth
33:15flashing his gold watch about
33:17on the way back to his ship
33:19he got mugged
33:19problem solved
33:21oh that was a good idea
33:23wasn't it
33:23a lot of muggings going on
33:26round here Rodney
33:27Albert I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option
33:30you've got all my thing
33:31well
33:32I'll just have to tell him
33:34be gentle though
33:36look
33:41Del
33:41about this thing you gave me for me birthday
33:45it's a beauty isn't it
33:47well yeah but um
33:50well the thing is
33:51I'll tell you what
33:52Raquel and Damien really having a nice time
33:54they're getting on really well you know
33:57with her mum and dad
33:58oh
33:58oh that's good isn't it
34:00yeah
34:00well you didn't fancy going to meet your common law in-laws then
34:03well to be honest Rodney
34:06yes I did but
34:08Raquel didn't want me to go
34:10well she told you
34:12yeah I know
34:14no as you see she was having a difficult time telling me and
34:18well
34:19I made up an excuse and let her off the hook
34:22I think that she thought I might embarrass her
34:28yeah
34:28oh what do you mean that silly
34:34how could you possibly embarrass her
34:38oh no that's what I thought
34:39hey I'll tell you what
34:41did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer
34:44yeah
34:45I thought I might let him have a look at that Jacobean cine camera we got in the garage
34:50I'm sorry you were saying about the bracelet
34:54oh no nothing I'm well pleased with it
34:57yeah that's it
34:58you'll never forget your name now will you
35:01the old goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles
35:07there's nothing in the fridge
35:08the veggies on the turn and that apple juice is horrible
35:11he's a mountain old dick anyway
35:20Cassandra specimens go
35:33I don't believe him
35:48what am I going to tell Cassandra
35:50all right all right you tell her you tell her that um
35:53you spilt it in the van when you went round the corner
35:57no I can't lie to Adele
35:59all right tell her Uncle Albert drank it
36:01it's just one thing after another isn't it
36:08Rodney listen we've got to get out of here
36:11how do you mean
36:12well listen I've been thinking
36:14now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes
36:17and Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton Keynes
36:20you know what tomorrow is don't you
36:22it's the big party isn't it
36:24the publican's ball
36:25so I was thinking
36:26while the mice are away
36:28the cats could go out and play
36:30be like the old days Rodgers
36:34we aren't going to be pulling birds are we
36:36we never pulled any birds in the army
36:39chance have we got now
36:44come on Adele what do you say
36:46what do you say
36:46well it's just a bit of harmless fun isn't it
36:49well of course it is
36:51a couple of hours you know
36:52sausage roll and a grin
36:54tell you what
36:56the first prize is only a stereo system
37:00worth £1,000
37:02what do they give prizes for
37:04well for the best fancy dress
37:06fancy dress
37:08hold on I ain't going out dressed up like some zoom
37:11come on Rodney
37:13look it's only a laugh ain't it
37:14we just pop down the ice tree
37:16get ourselves a couple of costumes
37:18Rodney I need your help to win this prize
37:22cause you're the one with the GCEs in art
37:25you've got the flair and imagination
37:27shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now
37:31I'm imagining that since you knew Raquel was going away
37:35you've been planning on going to this party and trying to win that stereo all along
37:39how dare you
37:43if only your mother could hear you now
37:47is that what you really think of me
37:49here I am with my child and my wife
37:52gone away for what is obviously a demanding and draining weekend
37:57and all you can think of is
37:58oh that's alright Del Boy can go out to a jolly up
38:00that's it is it
38:02that's what you think of Del Boy
38:03shallow as a worm's grave
38:07you know I just thought it was
38:16well you know it just seemed a bit
38:20no don't
38:21I'm bleeding
38:25I'm sorry then
38:31all right
38:35your apology is accepted
38:38oh hold on I just remembered this door
38:41it's an old ticket affair
38:42oh I know I got us a couple as we were leaving
38:44oh sleep
38:45I feel stupid
38:51I don't know how we got out of the estate without being seen
38:55don't worry we'll be there in a minute
38:57yeah but then we've got to get home dressed like this
39:00well who's going to see us at five o'clock in the morning
39:03yeah I suppose
39:04five in the morning?
39:06you said we was only going for a couple of hours
39:08yeah I know but you know you get involved don't you
39:11what's happening?
39:16there must be something wrong
39:19I wish I was mechanically minded like you
39:21oh very funny
39:23all right I'll open the bonnet
39:25you go and have a look at the engine
39:27oh have a look
39:28I'm not getting out dressed like this
39:30you have a look
39:31it's your van
39:32you tart Rodney
39:34did you say anything?
40:02no
40:03I'm right dark in here
40:04what are you looking for?
40:19just trying to see if there's any petrol coming through the car
40:22you idiot!
40:29little blaster kingdom come
40:31oh don't be daft
40:33there's no petrol coming through is there?
40:36must be some sort of a blockage
40:37I mean that's why we've broken down
40:40will you get back inside the van?
40:47I don't want people seeing you dressed like that
40:49you're like a white wally
40:51come on
40:53get in
40:54well what are we going to do now then
41:07I don't know Derek
41:09we are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.30 dressed up as Batman and Robin
41:14and it was you
41:16it was you who chose these costumes
41:17I wanted to go with the Blues Brothers
41:19we would have still broken down
41:22and be in this embarrassing situation wouldn't we?
41:26oh yeah
41:27yeah we'd have been wearing suits and ties
41:29yeah right
41:30couple of zooms
41:31we'd have looked
41:31we'd have never won first prize
41:36as the Blues Brothers
41:37no but at least we could have walked home
41:40oh look
41:42just just
41:42shut up
41:44and try to think of a way out of this
41:46all right
41:46all right
41:47let's just think about it
41:48we phone the RAC
41:58yes
42:00and we asked to get put through
42:03to the broken down whilst dressed
42:05as a couple of prats department
42:07all right then the police
42:13oh bleep it out Rodney
42:15we never live it down
42:16our lives would be hell
42:18we would have to hemigrate
42:20at this particular moment Del
42:23that doesn't sound like a bad alternative
42:24the pubs are going to be chucking out soon
42:30they'll tear us to shreds
42:32you know what
42:33Harry's place is nearer
42:37than our place's
42:39do you know we could be there in five minutes
42:42if we ran
42:43we'll be seen
42:44no we won't
42:46what do you mean be seen
42:47look all the streets are empty
42:48look aren't they
42:49at the moment
42:50but I guarantee
42:52the second I step out of this van
42:54a thousand people are going to pour out of the
42:56out of a place where a thousand people are
43:00no
43:03not if we go through the back streets
43:06and the back alleys
43:07because the only people there
43:09are the winos
43:09and the crackheads
43:10aren't they
43:10and let's face it
43:11they see Batman and Robin every night of the week
43:13five minutes
43:18five minutes
43:20that's all we run
43:21I'm going now Tom
43:34I'll see you out
43:36good night
43:39councillor Murray
43:40good night Tom
43:41sorry miss you seen a policeman round here
44:02no I haven't
44:03good then gisemane
44:05what are you doing
44:06Tom
44:07help
44:10someone shut her up
44:11get a briefcase
44:12Gary
44:15what's happening
44:21I have the faintest idea
44:23that's all we all have to do
44:26love
44:27go
44:31go
44:33go
44:35go
44:35go
44:37go
44:37go
44:39go
44:39go
44:48go
44:49go
44:51go
44:51go
44:51go
44:52go
44:52go
44:53go
44:53go
44:53go
44:53go
44:53Councillor Murray. Yes?
44:56I recognise you from your photograph.
44:59Gerrit Trotter, you may remember me.
45:02I wrote to you some time ago about...
45:04Help!
45:06Let's go!
45:09Sorry, moustache.
45:11Duty calls.
45:23Oh, poor shit. Let us see him, will you?
45:38What's of you two, Kamos?
45:40Let me ignore him.
45:43Ignore him, Rodney, will you? Just ignore him.
45:46Oh, dear.
45:48Come on, then, where is everyone?
45:49Straight through there, caped crusader.
45:53You are going to win nothing, dressed like that.
45:56You see that, brothers?
45:57Look, we have come as Batman and Robin.
46:00Our voices come as the Penguin.
46:05Oh, no, dear boy.
46:07Not the Penguin.
46:10More like the Joker.
46:14Anyway, Mike from the Nags Head.
46:18Listen, I was really cut up yesterday when I heard about your dad.
46:21You're asking me.
46:23Still, at least he didn't suffer.
46:26No, he had a good innings and...
46:28..it would have been world-shocked to see all his family and friends
46:30turn up for his weight like this.
46:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
46:35Derek, Harry died yesterday.
46:47Harry, Harry died.
46:55Why didn't you tell us that out there instead of letting us come in here like that?
47:00Yeah, I mean, we was going...
47:02You completely swept my mind.
47:07Strange what grief can do.
47:15Del, I don't know if you remember me. I'm Kenny, Harry's son.
47:20Yes, yes, of course, of course I remember you, yeah, yeah.
47:23I found around everyone to tell me the party was off.
47:26I must have left four or five messages on your answer machine.
47:28Obviously you didn't get them.
47:29Er, no, the machine's playing up a bit.
47:33I'm going to throw that bloody machine away when we get home.
47:37Kenny, look, I am, I am really sorry about this.
47:40Don't be silly.
47:41The old man's most probably up there now in a bloody good laugh, that's all.
47:45You'll stay, won't you?
47:48Yeah, no, no, of course, of course we're going to stay.
47:51Go and grab yourself a drink or something to eat.
47:52Yeah, all right.
47:54Cheers.
47:55Peter, thanks.
48:13Didn't you know Harry had died?
48:17Of course we knew Harry had died.
48:19That's why we came dressed as Batman and...
48:22Thingy.
48:23I suppose the prize giving's off now, then, is it?
48:30Oh, no.
48:34All right, Del?
48:35Dave?
48:37Bit of a choker, old Harry, popping off like that, innit?
48:40Yeah.
48:41Oh, we didn't even know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
48:44Me neither.
48:45I mean, that's your costume.
48:51Yeah.
48:52I'll come as a chauffeur.
48:56Feel a bit stupid now.
48:57Now you come to mention it, you do stand out a bit.
49:04I'm going to cheer up the widow.
49:06Leave him here.
49:06I don't think you and Del would have won first prize.
49:12No?
49:13No.
49:14You're all right.
49:15But Del don't know nothing like Tonto.
49:17There we are, here they are, look.
49:25Aerodynamically designed cycle helmets as worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan.
49:31Hey?
49:32Look at that.
49:33Beautiful.
49:34No, right, okay, then.
49:35What else have we got here?
49:36I'll tell you what we've got.
49:37Look at this.
49:38Baseball cap straight from L.A.
49:40As worn by M.C. Hammer.
49:42Oh, yes.
49:44These, here you are, madam.
49:45Buy one for your kid for Christmas.
49:47Yeah?
49:47They'll look lovely in his stocking, I'll tell you that.
49:49No?
49:49Right.
49:50What else have we got?
49:51Ah, yes, what we've got here.
49:53Look at this.
49:53We've got the unisex baseball cap.
49:56Look at that.
49:58Here, I'll buy one for your son.
49:59Buy one for your daughter.
50:01Well done.
50:02You've got time.
50:05Del?
50:05Yeah?
50:07What's up?
50:08Have a look.
50:10Hey, what's your game?
50:15You want to get off me, go on.
50:21Hey, are you all right?
50:22Are you all right, darling?
50:24Hey?
50:24Little buggers, lick me handbag, son.
50:27Oh, my bloody arse is hurting as well.
50:31You just take it easy, will you?
50:32Just take it easy.
50:33Hey, look, someone call an ambulance for her, will you?
50:36Also call the police.
50:38Hey, you, oi.
50:40Hey, you, oi.
50:45Now I come here.
50:47Hey, he needs to hear you.
50:48Hey, you, oi.
50:53Well done.
50:59What?
50:59Good.
51:00We can do it.
53:00And so it is my great honour and privilege to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.
53:38I was not running away from him, actually.
53:40I was just luring him.
53:43Well, you were not luring him fast, then.
53:45You shot past me like him for Christmas.
53:47Hey, minus that poodle that he keeps down in his shorts, of course.
53:54Could you mind out of the way, please, sir?
53:56Yes, could you mind out of the way, please, Rodney? You're casting a shadow on the hero.
53:59Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney?
54:08Eh?
54:10No, they offered me one, but Gar said I wanted to remind you none of this.
54:14Oh, Mr. Trotter, Councillor Murray, we met the night you were dressed as Batman.
54:27I've never been so frightened in my life.
54:32I've never been so frightened in my life.
54:34Well, it was only a costume.
54:37No, I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers.
54:40Oh, see, yes.
54:41Still, they're behind bars now, thanks to you.
54:43Oh, don't mention it.
54:44If ever there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to call me.
54:48Well, thank you very much indeed.
54:51Councillor Murray.
54:53Um, as a matter of fact, there is a little something that you might be able to help me out with.
55:00Do you think we could have a little chat?
55:03Of course.
55:03Come this way.
55:04Hmm.
55:06Cush, dear.
55:09Well, we're going to have to cut this one out for the old family album.
55:13Trotter's never won a medal before.
55:15Well, Albert's won three or four dozen.
55:19Why'd they use the word man?
55:21They could have mentioned Rodney.
55:23I mean, why didn't they say men?
55:26Yeah, Rodney was there as well.
55:28They do mention him, you know.
55:30Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney.
55:38He's saying he's bloody runny.
55:42Come on then, ladies and gentlemen.
55:43Come on, come on, charge your glasses.
55:46Because I have got something to say on this auspicious occasion.
55:52And that is, not only am I the only trotter to win a medal without getting wet.
55:58But this is a double celebration.
56:02You told them.
56:03Oh, I never, I swear.
56:05How do you not find out?
56:06Find out what?
56:07You mean you don't know?
56:09No.
56:09Well, in that case, let me just say that if, in the near future, anybody wants to buy Cassandra
56:17and I some mother care vouchers, they will come in bloody handy.
56:21Oh, yes, my son.
56:25We have gone.
56:26And it was a beauty.
56:27Yeah.
56:29It's coming, old.
56:31It's coming, old.
56:33It's coming.
56:34But then we're not finding out.
56:36Well done like that.
56:40Oh, I'm pleased for you, son.
56:42I know you've been thrilled to get there, son.
56:44How about that, then, eh?
56:49Her little cousin for Damien to play with.
56:52Hey, hey, hey.
56:53Yeah.
56:54Wait a minute.
56:55You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra being pregnant.
57:00So what else are we celebrating?
57:01Oh, that's right.
57:03Then it's a triple celebration.
57:05Well, because you know that I was turned down for my home improvement grant by the council.
57:10Well, they have changed their minds and sent me a cheque for £5,000.
57:13They've sent you £5,000?
57:16Yes.
57:17What can't speak can't lie.
57:19Signed by Councillor Murray.
57:23It's not a bad old world, is it, bruv?
57:27Getting better all the time, though.
57:29Lovely jubbly.
57:37We've got some half-price crack ties, some miles and miles of carpet tiles,
57:41TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie OPs, pool games, gold chains, wuss names and Edda Push
57:47and Trevor Francis, track suits from a mush and Shepard's Bush.
57:50Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush.
57:52No income tax, no V8.
57:55No money back, no guarantee.
57:59Black or white, rich or broke.
58:02We'll cut prices and a straw.
58:05Oh, God bless hooky street.
58:09Viva hooky street.
58:12Long live hooky street.
58:15Saint magnifique hooky street.
58:19Magnifique hooky street.
58:23Hooky street.
58:26Hooky street.
58:29Hooky street.
58:32Hooky street.