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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:00:13But you don't ask questions
00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:00:24And the tides of the sea
00:00:26But is the one what's driving me berserk
00:00:29And why do only foes and horses work
00:00:33La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
00:00:42I wish Rodney was still working with you
00:00:44So do I
00:00:45Your suitcase is giving me back aches
00:00:47And your moanings are giving me heartache
00:00:49I'll port with this country
00:00:51Did ya? How'd you get on?
00:00:55What are we waiting for?
00:00:59I tell you what we are waiting for.
00:01:02Security people, they change shifts, don't they, at 12 o'clock.
00:01:05And the new lot always start on the bottom floor,
00:01:08which gives us a chance to flog up here on the top floor, don't it?
00:01:11Right? Come on, pick it up.
00:01:12Chop, chop, off you go.
00:01:13What you got in this suitcase there?
00:01:15Hook it here. Hook it.
00:01:17How dare you?
00:01:19I don't deal in stuff like that.
00:01:21Well, not since I met Raquel.
00:01:24I wouldn't get her involved in anything like that.
00:01:26So, what are you worried about?
00:01:29I'll tell you what I am worried about.
00:01:31I'm an unlicensed trader, aren't I, eh?
00:01:35Many, many moons ago,
00:01:37a local magistrate and I had a sort of misunderstanding.
00:01:41And he took the law in his own hands
00:01:43and banned every council in London
00:01:45from issuing me with a trader's licence.
00:01:47So now I've got to flog where and when I can.
00:01:50Well, can I go and get something to eat?
00:01:52No, you cannot.
00:01:54You're going to be my lookout.
00:01:55Anyway, Raquel's going to make us something
00:01:57we'll eat later when we get home.
00:01:58But I'm hungry now.
00:02:01Oh, God.
00:02:03Benny, all right.
00:02:05So here you go.
00:02:06Go and get us a couple of hamburgers, will you?
00:02:08What? No, thank you.
00:02:10I'm taking no chances.
00:02:12Say I caught mad cow disease.
00:02:14Don't worry about that.
00:02:15Who the hell is going to notice?
00:02:16You're going to notice.
00:02:31Come and get us a couple of hamburgers.
00:02:35Mechelle.
00:02:54Mechelle.
00:03:06Are you going to the hamburger bar in the precinct during your lunch hour?
00:03:09No.
00:03:13Michelle, you're new here, and I don't think you've fully got the gist of my question.
00:03:18You see, I am the head of the computer section,
00:03:21and you are the secretary to the head of the computer section.
00:03:25So when the head of the computer section asks the secretary to the head of the computer section
00:03:30whether she is going to the hamburger bar in the precinct,
00:03:32what the head of the computer section is saying is
00:03:35go to the hamburger bar in the precinct during your lunch hour
00:03:39because the head of the computer section is starving bloody hungry.
00:03:43You want me to go to the hamburger bar?
00:03:45Yes.
00:03:46If it's not too much trouble,
00:03:49I fancy the juiciest, greasiest hamburger they got on offer.
00:03:52Mr. Coleman from Classic Curtains is coming in to see you in a little while.
00:03:56Yes, I know.
00:03:57That is why I cannot get out during the lunch hour,
00:03:59and I need food bringing in.
00:04:01No, what I'm trying to say is
00:04:02do you want to invite Mr. Coleman, an important client,
00:04:06into an office that stinks to high heaven of fried onions and grease?
00:04:10Michelle, my office...
00:04:14Thanks very much, Michelle.
00:04:21Don't carry on with whatever you're doing.
00:04:24They look very nice.
00:04:27You make Freddy Krueger dead jealous.
00:04:28Raquel!
00:04:38How you doing?
00:04:39Hi, Rodney!
00:04:41You want to get coffee?
00:04:42I've got to get this stuff home.
00:04:44Well, come here.
00:04:45I'll get one of the drivers to give you a leave.
00:04:46You sure?
00:04:47Yeah, of course.
00:04:48I'll get a kettle on.
00:04:49She's got bags of food.
00:04:56A mugger.
00:05:01You ready then?
00:05:02No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:05:06Selling is all about timing, isn't it?
00:05:09Haven't you seen one of them nature programs, you know, on the BBC with that Richard Attenborough?
00:05:14You know the one where you see the lion, like, lying in the undergrowth,
00:05:17watching as a flock of antelope go by?
00:05:20Well, they, they are my antelope.
00:05:29I'd like the lion.
00:05:30I know when the time is right.
00:05:33I instinctively know the optimum moment in which to make my move.
00:05:36And then, and only then, will I strike.
00:05:42Yeah.
00:05:45Doing a war.
00:05:45There we go, then.
00:05:49You better get into your lookout position.
00:05:52Over there, all right?
00:05:53So, what do you want me to do?
00:05:55What do you mean, what do I want you to do?
00:05:58Well, you're a lookout, ain't you?
00:05:59So, you know, you look out, don't you?
00:06:01Oh, man, if I see the security blokes coming, what should I say?
00:06:05I don't particularly mind what you say.
00:06:08You can say, thar she blows, ship ahoy, or man overboard, for all I care.
00:06:14As long as I don't get me collar felt.
00:06:17Stone me.
00:06:18This hands-on management lark gives me the right ump sometimes.
00:06:22Let's have that up here.
00:06:24That's it.
00:06:26Should do all right with this stuff.
00:06:27They'll be falling over themselves to get at this top quality gear.
00:06:30Yeah.
00:06:34Yeah, thanks a lot.
00:06:36Well, give us about ten minutes, because you're just finishing her coffee.
00:06:38All right?
00:06:39Cheers.
00:06:41Your van awaits.
00:06:42Oh, thanks.
00:06:43So, you and Del still coming around for dinner next week?
00:06:46So long as it's still all right with you and Cassandra.
00:06:47Yeah, been looking forward to it.
00:06:49Sorry it's taking so long to invite you.
00:06:51Well, he was going to pop round and say hello, you know, because Del said she was back in town and living with...
00:06:56Living, um...
00:06:58Staying at the flat with him.
00:07:00And Albert.
00:07:02So, when did you get back?
00:07:04A couple of weeks ago.
00:07:05I was over in America, having a great time, and I suddenly thought...
00:07:08Well, hold on.
00:07:09You was in America?
00:07:10Didn't Del say?
00:07:11Oh.
00:07:12Oh, it was wonderful.
00:07:14We were doing this tour of My Fair Lady down the East Coast.
00:07:17I was a flower seller.
00:07:19Cosmic.
00:07:20Right.
00:07:21Very cheap and cheerful, but I was seeing the world and getting paid.
00:07:25We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans.
00:07:29Then suddenly I got this sort of...
00:07:32urge to come home.
00:07:33To Del?
00:07:34Yes, to Del.
00:07:35Well, I won't come home from New Orleans to see Del.
00:07:39I won't come home from a new forest to see Del.
00:07:41You don't see him the way I do.
00:07:44He's lovely.
00:07:45Well, there are many words I could use to describe Harry Trotter, but lovely is not one of them.
00:07:52So, how's the old sook keeping?
00:07:53He's fine.
00:07:55He seems...
00:07:57I don't know, quieter than when I first met him.
00:07:59Del.
00:08:01Raquel, some years ago, Del went to a monastery and took a vow of loudness.
00:08:07Oh, that's not fair.
00:08:09No, he has changed.
00:08:12Not so loud and brash as he used to be.
00:08:15Right, come on in, gather round, gather round, ladies and gentlemen, the crusader against inflation with another bargain of a lifetime.
00:08:22Now, this magnificent little doll here, that would probably cost you £35 up there in Oxford Street.
00:08:29Now, but you know my motto, my motto is West End Goods at South End Prices.
00:08:34Now, listen, if I offered you this little doll here for £10, you'd probably rip my arm off at the elbow to get at it, wouldn't you?
00:08:44Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
00:08:46Because I'm in a festive mood, I'm going to let you have this doll at rock bottom bargain price.
00:08:51Now, I'm not going to ask you for £10, I'm not going to ask you for £8.
00:08:55What I'm going to ask you for is £7.50.
00:08:58£7.50, here it goes.
00:08:59Come on, first come, first serve.
00:09:00I haven't got many.
00:09:01Come on.
00:09:02Come on, quick, quick.
00:09:03Don't.
00:09:04Don't throw me in a bargain.
00:09:05Come on with you people.
00:09:06What is the matter?
00:09:07Don't you see a bargain when you see one?
00:09:08This is not your foreign rubbish, you know.
00:09:10This is handmade in Great Britain.
00:09:13The British toy industry reckon this is the most lifelike doll they've ever seen in their life.
00:09:18And I'll prove it to you.
00:09:19Look at this.
00:09:20Look at this.
00:09:21Here it is, a genuine little baby bottle.
00:09:23You can feed her from the bottle.
00:09:25She wets herself.
00:09:27She laughs.
00:09:28She cries.
00:09:29And if you keep her till she's 13, she breaks out in acne and wants to go for Brussels.
00:09:34Would I lie?
00:09:35Would I lie to you?
00:09:37I'll show you something else.
00:09:39Another little feature of this wonderful toy.
00:09:41She will even sing a little lullaby to put herself to sleep.
00:09:45Just listen to this.
00:09:46He's having a lot of trouble with the exhaust pipe on the van.
00:09:58It's got a hole in it.
00:09:59Oh, no, that's a shame.
00:10:01Because the exhaust's the only decent thing on it.
00:10:03So, how are things with you and Cassandra?
00:10:10How do you mean?
00:10:12I mean, are you both well?
00:10:14Yeah.
00:10:15Yeah, great.
00:10:16Cassandra's still studying hard for a promotion?
00:10:20Yes.
00:10:21Yes, she's still a very ambitious lady.
00:10:24So, married life suits you?
00:10:25Yeah.
00:10:26Go on, then.
00:10:27What's Del been saying?
00:10:28He hasn't said anything, honest.
00:10:29All right.
00:10:30He mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows.
00:10:31Once when you upset Cassandra's boss and his wife.
00:10:33Oh, that was nothing.
00:10:34It was a misunderstanding.
00:10:35Three minutes after it happened, we was all laughing about it.
00:10:40Del said she'd chuck you out.
00:10:41Only for a couple of days.
00:10:43Then another time, Cassandra went back to her parents.
00:10:47Yeah, but it was nothing either.
00:10:48Really.
00:10:49We're happy.
00:10:50That's what I wanted to say to you.
00:10:51I know it's none of my business, Rodney, it's just...
00:10:54I have had a marriage break up.
00:10:55I know how these things can start.
00:10:56A lot of people think a marriage comes complete with gift wrapping.
00:11:08But it's starting to count on them.
00:11:10That is what we get to say to you.
00:11:11I know that it's none of my business, Rodney.
00:11:12Well, I've had a marriage break up.
00:11:13I know how these things can start.
00:11:16A lot of people think a marriage comes complete with gift wrapping.
00:11:21But it doesn't.
00:11:23It comes in kit form.
00:11:25You've got to work at it.
00:11:27Oh, excuse me, Rodney.
00:11:29I've just noticed we're doing more of this cheap printing for Dell.
00:11:33We're not running a charity organisation.
00:11:35Excuse me.
00:11:37Oh, no, Alan, let me introduce you.
00:11:39Uh, Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father-in-law.
00:11:41Hello.
00:11:43Because he's Cassie's dad.
00:11:45Yeah, I figured that one out, Rodney.
00:11:47Yeah, yeah, sorry.
00:11:49Oh, her and Dell are li-
00:11:51Her and Dell
00:11:53are friends.
00:11:54Yeah, Dell's told me all about you.
00:11:56You're, uh, you're an actress, aren't you?
00:11:58Well, some people say that, others tell the truth.
00:12:00Oh, come on now.
00:12:01Dell speaks very highly of your talents.
00:12:03We'll have to go out for dinner one evening.
00:12:04All of us.
00:12:05I look forward to it.
00:12:06Yeah.
00:12:07Look, uh, I've got a dash because I'm meeting someone for lunch.
00:12:09We're gonna try that new Chinese place down by the arches.
00:12:11They say the food is out of this world.
00:12:14Good.
00:12:15Uh, just try and keep a closer eye on things, Rodney.
00:12:18It's cheap printing is very good for some people.
00:12:20Unfortunately, it's not for us.
00:12:23See you again, Rochelle.
00:12:24Yes, bye.
00:12:29I bet we're going too.
00:12:35Why don't you pop in on your way home from work this evening?
00:12:37Dell hasn't seen you for ages.
00:12:39I'm doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, all the trimmings.
00:12:49There'll be plenty there if you're peckish.
00:12:52No, I better take a rain check on it.
00:12:54Because I've got my route and timing figured out to avoid the traffic on the one-way system.
00:12:58So, some other time, eh?
00:13:00Well, the driver's waiting for you out there.
00:13:02Okay.
00:13:06Give my love to Cassie.
00:13:07Yeah.
00:13:08Bye.
00:13:12Roast chicken and all the trimmings.
00:13:14Roast chicken and all the trimmings.
00:13:38Is Mr. Coleman from...
00:13:39What's that part?
00:13:44Oh.
00:13:54Hi.
00:13:55Hi.
00:13:58You're late this evening.
00:13:59Yeah.
00:14:00Yeah, I got stuck in a traffic jam on a one-way system.
00:14:03Of course, honey smells good.
00:14:05I'm starving.
00:14:06I just did myself one of those ready-made meals in the microwave.
00:14:10Ah.
00:14:12Well, I'm starving.
00:14:19There's plenty in the freezer.
00:14:21Good.
00:14:24What a very clean oven we've got.
00:14:26Sorry?
00:14:27Ah, it's just remarking how amazingly clean one can keep these new modern ovens.
00:14:32Especially when one never bloody cooks in them.
00:14:35What, are you going out?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:41Oh.
00:14:42Well, that'll make a nice change, won't it?
00:14:44What is it tonight?
00:14:45The Bank's final exams?
00:14:47The Bank's annual cheese and wine orgy?
00:14:50The Bank's annual yoga and target practice course?
00:14:54I'm playing badminton.
00:14:56Oh, I see.
00:14:58Where?
00:14:59The Bank's sports club.
00:15:01Well, you go and enjoy yourself, Cass.
00:15:03I've got a busy evening planned as well.
00:15:05I'm going to sit in and read the Bank's pamphlet on our joint pension policy.
00:15:09Oh, God, here we go again.
00:15:11All right, what's wrong this time?
00:15:13What, with me?
00:15:14What could possibly be wrong with me?
00:15:15If you don't stop being so childish, I swear one of these days I'll smother you with your comfort blanket.
00:15:20Me? Childish?
00:15:22You're the one who's got a bit of growing up to do, Cassandra.
00:15:24When are you going to realise you've got a marriage?
00:15:29You've got a home?
00:15:30You've got me?
00:15:31I'll never forget that, Roddy.
00:15:33I'll never see you.
00:15:34You just use this flat like a base can.
00:15:37You zoom in and out of here like a blue bottle with the runs.
00:15:41I've had double-grazing salesmen spend more time in here than you.
00:15:45Well, whatever turns you on.
00:15:47You know, I mean, how am I supposed...
00:15:49What's that supposed to mean?
00:15:50Look, Roddy, I like to keep myself busy.
00:15:52Yeah, but you're always out.
00:15:54On your own.
00:15:56Because you never want to go anywhere with me.
00:15:58I've asked you before to come to badminton, but you always refuse.
00:16:01Well, that's because I don't relish the idea of spending the entire evening whacking a dead budgie over a neck.
00:16:08Besides which, all our social occasions are in some way or another tied to the bank.
00:16:14You resent me pursuing a career, don't you?
00:16:16No.
00:16:17I admire anyone who wants to advance themselves.
00:16:20But your idea of advancement comes straight out of Rommel's
00:16:24A Thousand and One Things Every Good Panzer General Should Know.
00:16:27It's relentless cash, you know, it's blitzkrieg.
00:16:30Roddy, I'm not trying to advance my career.
00:16:32I'm still trying to make up for lost ground.
00:16:34You of all people should understand that.
00:16:36I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra.
00:16:41And what is it exactly I'm supposed to have done?
00:16:44It's just little things.
00:16:46Like that day my boss Steven and his wife came round and you punched him in the face.
00:16:50Oh, we're still on about that, are we?
00:16:53You broke his nose.
00:16:55Broke it? I never broke it.
00:16:57It's...
00:16:59Tiny hairline fracture, that was right.
00:17:02Anyway, it was a long time ago and I have apologised a thousand times for it.
00:17:07I know you have.
00:17:08And I'm perfectly willing to be understanding, as long as you are.
00:17:11Look Cass, where can I put this?
00:17:13It sounds like a ridiculous thing for a husband to have to say to his wife, but I would like to see more of you.
00:17:19The only time we're really together is when we're lying in bed.
00:17:22With our backs to each other.
00:17:23Yeah, well that's only because you turned your back on me.
00:17:25Well you started it.
00:17:26I did not.
00:17:28And why is it whenever we have a dinner party we have to invite your family and your friends?
00:17:33We invite your friends as well.
00:17:35You name me one occasion, just one, where I've had my mates round there.
00:17:39Last month, Mickey, Pearce and Jevon and their girlfriends came round for the evening.
00:17:43I've apologised for that.
00:17:45And next week you've invited your brother and Raquel round for dinner?
00:17:48I've apologised for that as well.
00:17:49Look Cass, we always said if we had a problem with our marriage we would sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.
00:17:57Fine. Let's sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.
00:18:04Well, you can start.
00:18:06No, you carry on.
00:18:07No, please, I'd like to hear what you have to say.
00:18:09You started it, Roddy, so you go.
00:18:11I didn't start anything.
00:18:12Well, you're the one that came home in a mood.
00:18:15I only had a mood when I came home and realised there was nothing for me to eat, again.
00:18:19Oh, I see. That's what this is really all about.
00:18:22I'm supposed to be the little wife who has the dinner on the table, waiting for Roddy to come back from the time warp.
00:18:27This is not 1933, and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you'll stop being so bloody childish.
00:18:33Cass, if you could avert your gaze from the exotica of the banking world for one moment, you would realise, as so many women in Peckham realise, there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter.
00:18:44And they would appreciate having a young, vibrant, successful bloke like me about.
00:18:49And they would most probably do me a pie and chips when I felt like it.
00:18:54Well, why don't you go and find one of these women?
00:18:59Alright, I will.
00:19:00Well, go on then.
00:19:03I will.
00:19:05Then take a bottle of ketchup for your pie and chips.
00:19:08I will!
00:19:30What a meal.
00:19:31What a meal.
00:19:32What a meal.
00:19:33Je suis je reste.
00:19:34I would say say Montpellier.
00:19:35Does that mean good?
00:19:36Good.
00:19:37Oh.
00:19:38No, it's absolutely superb.
00:19:39You know, I haven't had a meal like that since my dear old mum was alive.
00:19:40Oh.
00:19:41What was it again?
00:19:42Chicken.
00:19:43Chicken.
00:19:44I know it was chicken, but I mean, what was it called?
00:19:45Oh.
00:19:46It's called Petit du Polo Truffalati.
00:19:47Oh.
00:19:48Petit du Polo Truffalati.
00:19:49Ah, well, there you go, you see.
00:19:50You can say what you like about the French, but they're magic when it comes to a saucepan and
00:19:51a bit of a saucepan.
00:19:52Oh.
00:19:53It's Italian.
00:19:54No.
00:19:55Oh.
00:19:56It's not good.
00:19:57It's not good.
00:19:58Oh, doesn't it mean good?
00:19:59Does that mean good?
00:20:00Good.
00:20:01Oh.
00:20:02No.
00:20:03It's absolutely superb.
00:20:04You know, I haven't had a meal like that since my dear old mum was alive.
00:20:05Oh.
00:20:06What was it again?
00:20:07Chicken.
00:20:08I know it was chicken, but I mean, what was it called?
00:20:10Oh.
00:20:11It's called Petit du Polo Truffalati.
00:20:13Ah, well, there you go, you see.
00:20:14You can say what you like about the French, but they're magic when it comes to a saucepan
00:20:18and a bit of salt, aren't they?
00:20:19It's Italian.
00:20:21oh yeah yeah I know I know it's Italian I mean I was just saying the French are good cooks and all
00:20:28right here we go I'll get some of this down your neck all right mmm to the future
00:20:58hmm you've been here for you know a week or two now and well you know how I feel about you don't you
00:21:17do I you've never said no I mean I thought it was obvious I mean I really do like you
00:21:28look you don't have to answer this now if you don't want to but I was wondering if you would
00:21:40um well if you would
00:21:44I've kept your dinner warm in the oven Albert is everything all right now I'll cut the singe bits
00:21:53off you should never light a candle when you've got a man with a beard in the house
00:21:58well it's your own fault you shouldn't have let across the table reach for the bread
00:22:02have a good mind to report your beard to the council
00:22:05if I hadn't been a bit lively with my lieb frown milk we could have had a towering further on the
00:22:10rates I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen awaiting that fire hazard good mind how you go when you
00:22:17take the plate out the oven because the gas is still on
00:22:19you were saying oh yeah oh yes
00:22:25um
00:22:26yeah I was saying um
00:22:31see
00:22:34you are a woman
00:22:37thank you
00:22:40and I'm a man
00:22:44and uh
00:22:47you know no man is an island
00:22:50do you understand what I'm getting at
00:22:59no
00:23:00look I just don't want to rush things you know
00:23:07but I mean
00:23:08would you
00:23:10I mean no no what I mean
00:23:12would you
00:23:14consider
00:23:15that's it
00:23:16all on the caputs
00:23:18that was our last chance
00:23:20good evening Rodney
00:23:21I have never been so insulted in my life
00:23:24well sit down bruv let me have a try
00:23:26what's happening
00:23:30Rodney's left Cassandra
00:23:31what again
00:23:32that's the third time in 18 months you two have broken up for good
00:23:36yeah well this time it is for good
00:23:38does that mean our invitation for dinner is off then
00:23:41well of course it does
00:23:44what's brought all this about
00:23:45you will not believe this
00:23:47she accused me of being childish
00:23:50no
00:23:51yeah
00:23:52wait wait wait that's my top you're throwing about there
00:23:58well tonight was the last straw
00:24:00really what did you do tonight
00:24:01tread on your scale electrics
00:24:03Derek my marriage has broken up
00:24:06this is no time for sarcasm
00:24:07all right Rodney all right
00:24:09just calm down will you
00:24:10finish your drink
00:24:11and I will drive you home and we'll see if we can sort it out
00:24:14all right
00:24:15Bill you don't understand
00:24:16I'm not going back
00:24:17me and Cassie are finished for good
00:24:19oh
00:24:20uh-oh
00:24:21Albert
00:24:22Brandy
00:24:23Rodney you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later
00:24:26there'll be things to be discussed
00:24:28yes
00:24:28yes
00:24:28like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken
00:24:30this is all one big bloody joke to you isn't it
00:24:37no it's not Rodney
00:24:39it's just that you and Cassandra are behaving like a couple of ten year olds don't you eh
00:24:43I mean you've broken up and gone back together more times than J.R. and Sue Ellen
00:24:47yeah well this time it is for good
00:24:49I am staying here
00:24:51all right Albert
00:24:58you better go and get some blankets and some pillows and make up a bed for Rodney on the settee
00:25:02it's your tea
00:25:04yeah
00:25:04I'll kip in me old room
00:25:06oh Rodney you can't kip in your old room because er
00:25:09you know
00:25:10Raquel sleeps in there all right
00:25:12sorry
00:25:13why should I go in my room
00:25:15I thought you too
00:25:17ah
00:25:17excuse me
00:25:21excuse me a minute
00:25:23will you sweet
00:25:23what
00:25:23er Rodney
00:25:25excuse me
00:25:25may I have a word with you in the boardroom
00:25:27thank you
00:25:32I thought you and Raquel
00:25:34no
00:25:35what you mean you're not
00:25:37no
00:25:37this is when you're over a fault now
00:25:41no
00:25:42that must be a record
00:25:45Rodney you came storming in
00:25:48just at the moment when I was asking Raquel
00:25:51if she would be kind enough to consider stamping my card
00:25:54well you just have to say to her
00:25:58won't you say I'm back now
00:26:00so like it or lump it
00:26:01she's got a kip with you
00:26:02no
00:26:02no Rodney come here
00:26:03look you don't understand do you
00:26:04you don't understand at all
00:26:05because you see Raquel
00:26:06Raquel is a lady
00:26:07you see and when a lady is ready to
00:26:10to
00:26:10well when she's ready to
00:26:14she will let me know
00:26:16how
00:26:17well
00:26:21you know she'd give me a sign or something
00:26:23like what
00:26:25what I know
00:26:33actually put an announcement to Sunday sport
00:26:37all I know is that until that happens
00:26:44you will be kipping on the settee
00:26:46and think yourself lucky
00:26:47suits me
00:26:48anything's better than sleeping next to a cold pair of shoulders
00:26:52you gonna let him stay
00:26:56I don't know sweetheart
00:26:57I just don't
00:26:58I just
00:26:58do not know what to do for the best
00:27:00let the boy stay for a few days Dale
00:27:03God that's better
00:27:04I was starving
00:27:05send him back to his wife
00:27:14I fought a war for you
00:27:17but that dipstick
00:27:41What do you think he's playing at, eh?
00:27:54He's had a little too much to drink, that's all.
00:27:58Ever since he walked out on Cassandra, he spent every night on the pit.
00:28:04The booze.
00:28:11You're worried about him, aren't you?
00:28:17Yeah, of course I am.
00:28:20He's all worried about him.
00:28:22Spent most of my life bringing him up.
00:28:25Michael Jackson's got bubbles, I got rolling.
00:28:34Can we have, er...
00:28:36Excuse me.
00:28:37Oi!
00:28:38Can we have the same again, only this time make them large ones?
00:28:42Yes!
00:28:43It's your round, Rodney.
00:28:48Well, yeah, I suppose it is.
00:28:50To the fair, I spy with my little eye two ladies of the more mature variety.
00:29:00Lonely housewives out on the pool.
00:29:03Yeah, well, just leave me out of this, alright?
00:29:05Well, yeah, we intended to, Rodney.
00:29:15I know you from somewhere, don't I?
00:29:16I wouldn't have thought so.
00:29:18He never forgets a face.
00:29:20Neither do I.
00:29:21And I'd certainly remember you two.
00:29:25Did you go to the Dockside Junior School?
00:29:27No, I didn't.
00:29:29Told ya!
00:29:30He thought you was our old dead mistress.
00:29:33Yes.
00:29:50Good evening, Rod.
00:29:51You've lost a couple of days of work through hangovers this week already, look.
00:29:55What do you mean you're sleeping on the settee?
00:29:58Well, that's true.
00:30:00Del's in his room, right?
00:30:01And Raquel's in my old room.
00:30:03I thought Del Boy and her were living together.
00:30:05Well, yeah, they are.
00:30:06Sort of.
00:30:07But they ain't cohabiting, you know.
00:30:09Well, I mean, I ain't cohabiting a bit.
00:30:12But Del said, right, as soon as he's cracking the case, I can have my old room back.
00:30:16Rodney, let me give you some advice.
00:30:19I'm a lady's hairstylist and know intimately the working of the female mind.
00:30:24Yeah, cos he's a woof-der.
00:30:27You're serious, Mickey.
00:30:29I hate it when you do it to me, marital impersonation.
00:30:32Rodney, why don't you go home to Cassandra, eh?
00:30:36You've got a nice flat, a good girl, and you've given it all up because of some stupid rat.
00:30:41Look, if she wants to find me and apologise, then I might consider it.
00:30:45But she started it, so she's got to phone me first, right?
00:30:48What you've got to do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous.
00:30:53Yeah.
00:30:55Why?
00:30:57Make her think other women find you desirable.
00:31:01Yeah.
00:31:02Don't encourage Ronnie to tell her lies.
00:31:05No, that's true. I don't lie.
00:31:08True lies?
00:31:10Listen to me, Rodney.
00:31:11I always make a point of making women jealous.
00:31:14Tell her, girl.
00:31:16Any time you ever made women jealous was the night you won the last house at Bingo.
00:31:22How's you, Derek?
00:31:24Tell me, er, how's you and Raquel getting on these days?
00:31:28Terrific.
00:31:29Thank you very much, Mickey.
00:31:30What the bleeding hell it's got to do with you, I don't know.
00:31:33Just concerned.
00:31:34I'm concerned.
00:31:35Yeah.
00:31:36Here.
00:31:37You gonna buy us a drink, Del?
00:31:38Yeah, yeah.
00:31:39Alright.
00:31:40There you go.
00:31:41Give the lads a drinkin' on, will ya?
00:31:42Oh, nice.
00:31:43Yeah.
00:31:44There you go.
00:31:45Three Coca-Colas.
00:31:46What the world were you?
00:31:47There you go, sweetheart.
00:31:48Thanks.
00:31:49Alright?
00:31:50Alright, Rodney.
00:31:51Go on, sit yourself down.
00:31:52I'll just, erm...
00:31:53I'll have it on.
00:31:54I'll have it on.
00:31:55So, you get it?
00:31:56It's all on the van sorted out.
00:31:57I booked it in for tomorrow.
00:31:58You can take it down there for me.
00:31:59Me?
00:32:00You could.
00:32:01You won't be going to work tomorrow, will ya?
00:32:02Not after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.
00:32:03So, when your hangover's cleared up, you can take it down there for me.
00:32:17Look, I will be going to work tomorrow, will ya?
00:32:21Not after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.
00:32:26So, when your hangover's cleared up, you can take it down there for me.
00:32:29Look, I will be going to work tomorrow.
00:32:32You can bet your last penny on that, all right?
00:32:36But, Rodney, look, Rodders,
00:32:40you've been out every night this week on the booze.
00:32:43I've just seen their mates or so.
00:32:45Yeah, but why are they always the same mates?
00:32:47Eh, Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi?
00:32:51Come on, brother.
00:32:53You walked out on Cassandra eight days ago.
00:32:56You've made your point, bruv.
00:32:57Come on, that time you went back home, yeah?
00:33:00Look, Dale, you've never even been married.
00:33:02You don't know what it's like.
00:33:03No, well, mucked about enough,
00:33:06and I'd have a fair idea.
00:33:09Look, Rodney.
00:33:11Hey, don't fall to me, will you?
00:33:14Well, look, to Cassandra, right,
00:33:16life's all drive and ambition.
00:33:19Obviously she wants to rule the world.
00:33:21Well, no, she don't.
00:33:22She just wants promotion at the bank, that's all.
00:33:25Ah, yeah, exactly.
00:33:26And it's that blinkedness that's driving away all her beautiful fours.
00:33:32She can't see them.
00:33:35Well, like you, wouldn't I?
00:33:37Yeah.
00:33:39Yeah.
00:33:39Well, look, I'll tell you, all right?
00:33:41The other day, it was her birthday, right?
00:33:43So I bought her a pair of earrings and a circle farky LP.
00:33:48What do you want?
00:33:49A circle farky.
00:33:50Fergal sharky, the same one.
00:33:54Oh, yeah, right, a pair of earrings, right?
00:33:57Right, now, they was nice earrings.
00:33:59You know, but they was little.
00:34:01They were very little earrings.
00:34:04What?
00:34:04They were nice, but they were very little.
00:34:07Yeah.
00:34:08And she has a look at them and she says,
00:34:10Oh, thanks, Rodney.
00:34:12Aren't they little?
00:34:15Oh, no.
00:34:17As soon as I'm saying,
00:34:19it's good.
00:34:21It's because I suppose
00:34:22Mummy and Daddy, right,
00:34:24they buy all the big presents, don't they?
00:34:27So sometimes I was shocked
00:34:29to meet another girl.
00:34:31In your present condition,
00:34:32you ought to think about
00:34:33joining the Lonely Kidneys Club.
00:34:44Yeah, I think
00:34:45all in all, you know,
00:34:47this married life's been a bit of a letdown
00:34:51for young Cassandra.
00:34:54Yeah, I don't care.
00:34:58No skin off my nose, is it?
00:34:59I can't give a monkey's toast, mate.
00:35:08I love her, Adele.
00:35:12Shut up.
00:35:13Shut up, you tough.
00:35:17She's kind of lived up to her high expectations.
00:35:22Look, I'm...
00:35:23Look, I'm going to have words with your wife
00:35:26and I'm going to tell her
00:35:27that size isn't important.
00:35:29What about them earrings?
00:35:39They said the earrings,
00:35:41they're my...
00:35:42God, it makes me so angry.
00:35:46I'm going to find the little bloke,
00:35:47I'm going to have a fight.
00:35:52Stop.
00:35:52And another thing,
00:35:53she never cooks for me.
00:35:55She's always too busy.
00:35:57I'm mad, is she?
00:35:59Come on, but you know,
00:36:00you can cook, aren't you?
00:36:01Yeah.
00:36:02I don't want you to do it.
00:36:05Oh, I see.
00:36:07What you wanted, really,
00:36:08was Cassandra to make the fuss off you.
00:36:12Yes.
00:36:13Well, sit yourself down here.
00:36:17Look, she ain't your mum, won't she?
00:36:19What do you mean?
00:36:20Oh.
00:36:21You never knew the joy of having a mum, did you?
00:36:26You knew we were barely on solids
00:36:28when the angels came down
00:36:31and took her away.
00:36:32I don't remember, sort of.
00:36:35But it's...
00:36:36It's mystery.
00:36:38You know, it's...
00:36:39This blonde lady, and...
00:36:42She was there, and...
00:36:44Then she wasn't.
00:36:47Bit like the SDP, really.
00:36:48Do you want a right-hander for a nightcap?
00:36:55Show some respect, Rodney.
00:36:57Look, I'm sorry, right?
00:36:58I didn't mean to bring mum in.
00:37:00Look, I'm really sorry.
00:37:02Get off what a life, eh?
00:37:05Me wife don't love me.
00:37:07Me mum's left me,
00:37:08and some bastards nicked me bike.
00:37:09I told you not to leave it out on the land,
00:37:13didn't I?
00:37:14Yes, I'm not.
00:37:18Oh, well, come on.
00:37:19Come on.
00:37:20Don't be a defeatist, eh?
00:37:21Come on.
00:37:22These things were sent to try us.
00:37:23Why don't you take a leaf out of my book?
00:37:25Eh?
00:37:26You know?
00:37:26Happy-go-lucky.
00:37:28Never let life get me down.
00:37:31Hey, come on.
00:37:31Use me as your role model.
00:37:33Yeah, you must be joking.
00:37:36You're right.
00:37:37I don't need a role model.
00:37:39No.
00:37:39What?
00:37:40A moan.
00:37:41No.
00:37:43Roan model.
00:37:44Roan model.
00:37:45Roan model.
00:37:46Well, I don't need one of them.
00:37:48Because I am happy as I am.
00:37:50Oh.
00:37:52I'll see you later.
00:37:54Yeah, all right.
00:37:57Any luck?
00:37:59No, no.
00:38:00I tried, I tried.
00:38:03You're a very nice person, Derek Trotter.
00:38:05Yeah, I know.
00:38:06It's one of my failures for a lesbian.
00:38:08I think Roan is a very confused young man.
00:38:19Confused, maybe a bit frightened.
00:38:20Frightened?
00:38:21What are you talking about?
00:38:22Frightened?
00:38:22He's all frightened.
00:38:22He's a bloke.
00:38:23Well, I know.
00:38:24And even blokes get frightened.
00:38:25Everyone's frightened of something.
00:38:27What?
00:38:28Well, what are you frightened of, then?
00:38:30Shut up and make me feel silly.
00:38:32No, no, seriously, you can't.
00:38:34What are you frightened of?
00:38:36Now, go on, tell me.
00:38:37I promise you won't laugh.
00:38:39The dark.
00:38:45You know what I am.
00:38:47Look, even today, you're frightened of the dark.
00:38:49Yeah.
00:38:50Sometimes I lie in bed and the dark seems...
00:38:53Well, it seems to be...
00:38:56Toshing them.
00:38:59Stupid, eh?
00:39:01Yeah.
00:39:08You know, if you lie...
00:39:11Tonight...
00:39:13And you're lying in bed...
00:39:15In the dark...
00:39:17I could hold your hand.
00:39:27Okay.
00:39:33Right, then, take that.
00:39:38My reputation in this area isn't as good as I'd like it to be,
00:39:40so please don't tell me about this.
00:39:42Well, I'll sneak up.
00:39:43No, of course I won't.
00:39:45What sort of bloke do you think I am?
00:39:47Oh, Raquel, this is between you and me.
00:39:48I mean, this is between us, isn't it, eh?
00:39:51Hmm?
00:39:59Hey, Dale.
00:40:00Hmm?
00:40:01You going?
00:40:01Yeah.
00:40:02Right, see you later, right?
00:40:03Yeah, right.
00:40:04Oh, Rodney, you can sleep in your own room tonight.
00:40:08Nice one, Dale!
00:40:12Touchdown, right?
00:40:13There he is!
00:40:17What's that horrible record?
00:40:42I'm listening to me radio.
00:40:45I can't sleep with all that noise going on.
00:40:51An amazing statement coming from a man who slept through two world wars.
00:40:55I didn't do any sleeping during the war, Rodney.
00:41:00I was out there on the big waves.
00:41:02Shell and fire, that was me.
00:41:04I can make a film about my life story.
00:41:07Eh, three men in a dinghy.
00:41:09So, how are you feeling now?
00:41:12Is your hangover cleared up?
00:41:14I didn't have hangover.
00:41:16So, why didn't you go to work this morning?
00:41:18None of your...
00:41:18God, you're a nosy git, isn't you?
00:41:20Why don't they keep throwing you out of the lifeboat?
00:41:23If that's the sort of rubbish you listen to, it's no wonder your wife chucked you out of your house.
00:41:28She did not chuck me out.
00:41:30I left to my own accord.
00:41:31She is praying for me to go back.
00:41:33Oh, spending a lot of time in church, is she?
00:41:36Maybe that's why she's never in when Raquel phones her.
00:41:40You're just trying to wind me up, aren't you?
00:41:41No, I'm not saying.
00:41:43Honest.
00:41:45Have you found your bike yet?
00:41:47Get off my train cell, but I'm going to get dressed.
00:41:51You see my slippers, Raquel?
00:42:13You're wearing them, Albert.
00:42:15What's wrong with Rodney?
00:42:16Slamming drawers, banging things around in there?
00:42:18I think he's still upset about him and Cassandra.
00:42:21I'll try to give him a few words of encouragement, but nothing seems to work.
00:42:25At least you try him.
00:42:26Yeah.
00:42:29Where is that idiot?
00:42:32He's bitten dressed.
00:42:33You all right, love?
00:42:34Yeah, I'm all right, sweetheart.
00:42:36I'm just suffering from a bit of the old executive burnout, you know?
00:42:42I could murder a drink.
00:42:44Go on, sit down, I'll do it.
00:42:45Oh, all right.
00:42:47Thank you, darling.
00:42:47I'll talk to you in private.
00:42:51Yeah, all right, girl.
00:42:53What about her?
00:42:54Don't worry about her, I'll think of some...
00:42:56Will her brandy do, Dad?
00:42:57Oh, yes, Custy.
00:42:58Ah, no, second thoughts, I'll tell you what.
00:43:00I'd like a nice mug of decaffeinated coffee made in the percolator.
00:43:03That takes ages.
00:43:04Yes, I know, but it's much healthier, isn't it?
00:43:06Yeah, all right, then.
00:43:07Do you want a coffee, Albert?
00:43:07I'll have that brandy, so I'm wasting it.
00:43:15What do you want to talk about, then?
00:43:17Well, first, I'd like to find out how my bottle of Kavossia manages to pour itself.
00:43:22By that can't wait, we've got more important things to discuss.
00:43:25Yes, I've just had a word with a mechanic from the Peckham Exhaust Centre.
00:43:29Rodney took the van down there this morning.
00:43:31Now, apparently, there's a new receptionist working there by the name of Tanya,
00:43:35and Rodney the dipstick has only asked it out on a date.
00:43:39You're kidding.
00:43:40I wish I was, Unc.
00:43:41I wish I was.
00:43:43I'm disgusted with him.
00:43:46What's this Tanya girl look like?
00:43:47Well, I wouldn't say no.
00:43:50What I mean is that she's attractive enough and she's a nice enough girl.
00:43:53That's not the point, is it?
00:43:54If Rodney gets seen with this Tanya sort, then, well, it's going to break Cassandra's heart
00:44:00and then Rodney's going to find himself with the sack.
00:44:03Yeah.
00:44:04And Alan won't do you any more of that cheap printing you flocked to all your mates.
00:44:07No.
00:44:08That has got absolutely nothing to do with it.
00:44:11But you said that was the only money we got coming into the flat.
00:44:14Yet my only concern is for Cassandra and Rodney's future happiness.
00:44:20Mind you, that printing did bring in a few, Bob, I must admit.
00:44:24I've got to think of a way in which I can put Rodney off this bird.
00:44:30So what are you telling me for?
00:44:31Well, I don't know, I was hoping you might come up with an idea.
00:44:35Then again, I was hoping that Millwall would win the UEFA Cup.
00:44:41Wait a minute.
00:44:43Wait a minute, I've got it.
00:44:44I've got an idea.
00:44:45Now listen to me.
00:44:46When Rodney tells us about this date with this bird, right,
00:44:51you and me have got to look absolutely horrified.
00:44:55See, as though it goes against the whole of the Trotter family's moral code.
00:44:59Well, you never caught with that.
00:45:00Yes, he will.
00:45:01He will.
00:45:01You don't know him like I do.
00:45:03He'll go for that hook line and...
00:45:04That's it.
00:45:06That's it.
00:45:06It's him.
00:45:07He's coming.
00:45:07Now don't forget, you've got to look horrified, right?
00:45:09As though you've seen a U-boat off the starboard bow.
00:45:18Not yet.
00:45:23Bill, what's the matter with him?
00:45:27Oh, no, he's been at the brandy lot.
00:45:31Percolator's bubbling.
00:45:32Fancy a coffee, Rodney?
00:45:33No, no, thanks, Raquel, I'm going out.
00:45:35No.
00:45:35No.
00:45:37No.
00:45:39Oh, here we're going, Rodney.
00:45:43Anywhere nice?
00:45:44Going out for pictures.
00:45:45Oh, that's it, Rodney, that's it.
00:45:47Your marriage is going down to Swanee,
00:45:49and you bugger off to the flicks.
00:45:50Very good.
00:45:51Why don't you just butt out, then?
00:45:52All right.
00:45:53Just as you like, bruv.
00:45:54Just as you like.
00:45:59Going on your own?
00:46:00No.
00:46:01Going with someone.
00:46:03I'll whack you one in a minute, believe me.
00:46:09Who are you taking?
00:46:13Cassandra?
00:46:14No, not Cassandra.
00:46:16It's a girl.
00:46:17A girl?
00:46:18A girl?
00:46:19A girl?
00:46:22A girl!
00:46:24Why do you all keep repeating it?
00:46:32You sound like Jive Bunny.
00:46:36I met a girl called Tanya, and I've asked her to the pictures.
00:46:39What's wrong with that?
00:46:39I don't believe I'm hearing this.
00:46:43I just absolutely don't.
00:46:45Do you?
00:46:46Mine.
00:46:47Rodney.
00:46:49You are a happily married man.
00:46:51Was a happily married man, Dale.
00:46:53Then we left the registry office, and the magic seemed to fade.
00:46:56A happily married man would be taking his wife to the pictures.
00:47:00Well?
00:47:01Well, why don't you?
00:47:03What?
00:47:04Take Cassandra.
00:47:06Go on, give her a bell.
00:47:07She might like to go.
00:47:08It wouldn't be room in the van for Tanya and Cassandra.
00:47:11No, I meant, give Tanya...
00:47:14Will you shut up?
00:47:16It wouldn't work, Dale.
00:47:18Even our taste in films differed.
00:47:21Cass used to like the heavy dramas and the foreign films, you know, the Grapes of Wrath and Fellini classics, all that sort of stuff.
00:47:27What are you going to see?
00:47:28Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
00:47:31It wasn't my choice.
00:47:33Tanya wants to see it.
00:47:36Tanya.
00:47:38Tanya.
00:47:39Oh!
00:47:40Tanya!
00:47:41Oh, yes.
00:47:42Isn't that the old Bow Wow down at the exhaust centre?
00:47:44Yeah, she said she...
00:47:46What do you mean, Bow Wow?
00:47:47She's not a Bow Wow.
00:47:48Do me a favour, Roddy.
00:47:49She's like a Rottweiler with a wig.
00:47:53Dale, the Tanya I'm talking about is very pretty.
00:47:56You what?
00:47:58Have you clocked the ooter on it?
00:48:00Oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:48:01I'll tell you what.
00:48:02Me and Boycey had a bet once as to whether that was her real nose or she'd had silicone injections.
00:48:07And have you ever actually spoken to this person?
00:48:11Yes, I said good morning to her once.
00:48:13But she didn't reply.
00:48:14She was too busy gnawing her bone.
00:48:15I think what Rodney is trying to say, Derek, is that maybe, just maybe, this girl might have a nice personality.
00:48:24Has she?
00:48:24No, not really.
00:48:27What are you going out with her for?
00:48:28Well, Rodney's heard about her reputation, hasn't he?
00:48:30I don't care about...
00:48:32Has she got a reputation?
00:48:33She's lived with a few blokes.
00:48:35A darts team, I heard.
00:48:37That is just the kind of old-fashioned, chauvinistic attitude that keeps women second-class citizens in this country.
00:48:43Listen, Raquel.
00:48:44Raquel, listen, I'm doing this on purpose.
00:48:46Sometimes you can be such a sexist.
00:48:48No.
00:48:48You're not satisfied with tearing a poor girl to shreds because she doesn't look like Kim Bassenger.
00:48:52Oh, no.
00:48:53You've got to do a character assassination because in the past, she's done exactly the same as you.
00:48:58Dale's never lived with a darts team.
00:49:00Oh, listen, you don't understand, Raquel.
00:49:07You see, I'm doing it for a read.
00:49:08I'll tell you later on.
00:49:09It's all very well for young men to sow their wild oats.
00:49:12The more, the merrier.
00:49:13Shows they're red-blooded.
00:49:14But if a girl does the same thing, she's a slut.
00:49:16No, that is where you're wrong, Raquel, you see, because nowadays men can't sow their wild oats either.
00:49:22Because we've all seen the film for AIDS on the television, haven't we?
00:49:26Eh?
00:49:26And that's my point, Rodney, you see.
00:49:29That is my point.
00:49:30Today, you see, well, women are very dodgy.
00:49:35Women are dodgy?
00:49:37No, no.
00:49:38Not you, sweethearts.
00:49:39The others, eh?
00:49:40How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide epidemic at the feet of womankind?
00:49:46Raquel, if feet were the problem, Dr. Scholl could find the cure.
00:49:49I have never heard such stupid, pig-ignorant views as yours.
00:49:53Oh, you get him on politics, Raquel.
00:49:55That'll blow your mind.
00:49:56What did you say?
00:49:59Derek, for your information, there is rather an ugly rumour going around.
00:50:03Oh, is there?
00:50:03Well, introduce it to Rodney or take it to the pictures.
00:50:05The rumour is that man is the guilty party.
00:50:11Ah, no, see, sorry, sorry, but that is where you are wrong, Raquel, you see.
00:50:15Because on that commercial on the telly, this bloke walks into the disco, doesn't he?
00:50:18He walks in and this bird comes up to him.
00:50:20Oh, to hell with the telly.
00:50:21Let's get one thing clear, Derek.
00:50:23Women played no part in the creation of this plague.
00:50:25AIDS is like nylon.
00:50:26Man-made.
00:50:34You've upset her now.
00:50:37I've upset...
00:50:38Right, that is it.
00:50:39I'm out of here.
00:50:40Now, wait up, Rodney.
00:50:41Come here a minute.
00:50:42Come on.
00:50:42Just a minute.
00:50:44Look, look.
00:50:46One little row and you think your marriage is breaking up.
00:50:49Well, it ain't, bruv.
00:50:49It ain't.
00:50:51You consume rekindle, the old flame of passion.
00:50:55All you've got to do is take her a bottle of champagne, nice bunch of flowers, you know.
00:50:59It's a bit corny, isn't it?
00:51:00Well, that's what I'd do.
00:51:02She goes to evening school tonight anyway, doesn't she?
00:51:04You never know, she might cancel it for you.
00:51:06God, you must be joking.
00:51:09Nothing gets in the way of her in her stupid, rotten career.
00:51:12Trying to rekindle the flame in my marriage is like giving a kiss of life to a rash of bacon.
00:51:19Oh, come on.
00:51:21Rodney, eh?
00:51:21Remember?
00:51:23He who dares wins.
00:51:26Listen to me.
00:51:27All you've got to do is you go round there and you apologise to her.
00:51:30You just say you're sorry.
00:51:32And then she will say she's sorry to you.
00:51:34Before you know where you are, you made it up.
00:51:37You're more in love than you ever were before.
00:51:39And you might get a little bit.
00:51:44Everyone's a winner.
00:51:45Tep de ver.
00:51:46Right?
00:51:47You might get a little bit.
00:51:50Good God, it's like living with a big mac.
00:51:54Just for that.
00:51:55Oi, thank you very much.
00:51:56Just for that, you cannot take my van.
00:51:57Well, stuff your van.
00:51:59I will bust it.
00:52:00Good.
00:52:00That's the thanks I get, isn't it, eh?
00:52:13Raquel?
00:52:14Fancy going down to Nags Head for a few drinks?
00:52:17With a creep like you?
00:52:18Yeah.
00:52:19No, thank you very much.
00:52:24What a life, innit, eh?
00:52:26What a life.
00:52:28Wait, just a minute.
00:52:29You know that film he was talking about?
00:52:32What is it?
00:52:32Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
00:52:35What cinema is that on at?
00:52:37It's ABC and the High Street.
00:52:39Exactly.
00:52:41And what's next door to that cinema?
00:52:45Cassandra's Evening School.
00:52:46And tonight is the night that she goes.
00:52:48But she might see Rodney and this 10-year-old girl queuing outside.
00:52:52Exactly.
00:52:52That's the whole point of it, innit?
00:52:54That dippy Rodney, he's only trying to make Cassandra jealous, innit he?
00:52:59He's taking the advice of that, that Mickey Pierce.
00:53:01Mickey Pierce.
00:53:03He's had about as much success with women as you've had with boats.
00:53:08No.
00:53:09I've got to go round to Cassandra's and I've got to try and persuade her not to go to the evening school.
00:53:14Yeah, that's it.
00:53:14That's just, that's the answer to that.
00:53:15I'll see you later, hunk.
00:53:16See you later.
00:53:17All right?
00:53:20Dale?
00:53:20Yeah?
00:53:21What is it, sweetheart?
00:53:23I'm sorry.
00:53:28Yes.
00:53:29Good.
00:53:30So am I.
00:53:30So am I, darling.
00:53:32Can we, can we, you know, talk?
00:53:36Yeah, yeah.
00:53:36Yeah, I will.
00:53:38I'll be, um, I'll be as quick as I can.
00:53:40Well, you don't have to be.
00:53:41Hmm?
00:53:41No, no, no, no.
00:53:44What I mean is that I've just, you know, I've just got to pop out for a minute.
00:53:47I know, but I wanted to, you know, talk.
00:53:49Yeah, no, no.
00:53:50I mean, yeah, I don't know.
00:53:51But, see, the thing that's that this is very, very important, you see.
00:53:55Oh, well, please yourself.
00:53:56Eh?
00:53:56No.
00:53:57Look, careful.
00:53:58Look, all I was going to...
00:53:59Oh.
00:54:04Hell.
00:54:04Well, I love it.
00:54:05Rodney's really upset her, ain't he?
00:54:06Oh, well, I love it.
00:54:36Hello?
00:54:45Er, Katandra?
00:54:46It's Del Boy.
00:54:48Oh, hi, Del.
00:54:49Pull the door.
00:55:02Who are you?
00:55:03Where are you?
00:55:05Ah, how are you?
00:55:06Oh, sweetheart.
00:55:08All right?
00:55:08Hi.
00:55:09I was just passing, thought I'd pop in, see how you were.
00:55:10I'm fine.
00:55:11Oh, good.
00:55:12How are you?
00:55:13Couldn't be better, couldn't be better.
00:55:15Er, a bit choked to hear about you and Rodney, though.
00:55:18Yeah, well, it's just one of those things, eh?
00:55:20Yeah, it's just one of them things, isn't it?
00:55:21Off to the evening classes again, eh?
00:55:23Yeah, it's my final exams in three weeks.
00:55:25Oh, what?
00:55:26Pushed it.
00:55:26How's Rodney?
00:55:29Oh, er, bearing up, you know.
00:55:32The police found his bike yet?
00:55:34No, no, he's toying with the idea of getting another one.
00:55:37Where is he tonight?
00:55:38Er, oh, you know, he just popped out earlier.
00:55:41Oh, well, I hope he has a good time.
00:55:43I mean, that's what he wants from life, isn't it?
00:55:46Cassandra, I know what he really wants,
00:55:49and deep down in your heart of hearts,
00:55:51I think you do and all.
00:55:52Yeah, well, he's only got to swallow his stupid pride and ask.
00:55:55Yes, I know I have tried to talk to him,
00:55:58but I just can't get through to him, though.
00:56:01It's like my dear old mum used to say.
00:56:03There's none so blind as them as what won't listen.
00:56:06Very true.
00:56:10Listen, listen, listen.
00:56:12Can't you two make it up somehow?
00:56:15Oh, it's impossible, Del.
00:56:17Rodney won't budge an inch on any given subject.
00:56:19He just fights me all the way.
00:56:21He doesn't like going to the bank social evenings.
00:56:23He gets bored with my friends, and he shows it.
00:56:25The other week I invited some colleagues round.
00:56:28I cooked a lovely meal.
00:56:29I really tried hard, Del.
00:56:31No, well, you're a smashing cook, Cassandra.
00:56:33I remember that Mousse marinaire that you made for us last year.
00:56:37I can still taste it now.
00:56:40Anyway, one hour after we'd finished eating,
00:56:43Rodney decided it was time they all went home.
00:56:45So he started giving them subtle little hints,
00:56:48like yawning and checking his watch every three minutes.
00:56:50Finally, he started whistling the national anthem.
00:56:54Well, Rodney never was, one was staying up late.
00:56:57This was Sunday lunch.
00:56:58Rodney's idea of socialising is a night out at the pub with his mates.
00:57:05What idiot wants to spend their evenings down the nags' head?
00:57:09Yeah, what idiot?
00:57:11Rodney is so immature.
00:57:13It's never going to work between us until he learns to grow up.
00:57:15You sure it's only him?
00:57:17Well, I'm not behaving childishly, if that's what you're suggesting.
00:57:19Well, I know, but you haven't phoned him, no, have you?
00:57:21I'm not phoning him first.
00:57:22He started it.
00:57:23You've got to have taken years of experience to come to that decision.
00:57:26Those are nice earrings, aren't they, Cassandra?
00:57:30They're lovely, aren't they?
00:57:31Rodney gave them to me for my birthday.
00:57:33They're very little, aren't they?
00:57:35That's what I like about them.
00:57:37I don't want a pair of chandeliers hanging from my ears.
00:57:40These are perfect.
00:57:42Perfect.
00:57:43I don't know.
00:57:44Rodney said...
00:57:45Rodney said what?
00:57:45No, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing at all.
00:57:47Just forget it.
00:57:48I don't believe these two.
00:57:51I get more sense out of a cross line with the crankies.
00:57:56Oh, listen, I'll tell you what.
00:57:59Cassandra, I'll tell you what.
00:58:00Look, don't go to evening classes tonight, eh?
00:58:03I'll tell you what.
00:58:03Why don't you come out for a meal with me and Raquel?
00:58:06Your dad's told us about this great Chinese place.
00:58:09They do a blind in one tom, by all accounts.
00:58:11Oh, maybe some other time.
00:58:12I really must go tonight.
00:58:14All right, then.
00:58:15OK, OK.
00:58:16I'll tell you what, then.
00:58:16I'll give you a lift.
00:58:17Let me give you a lift, and I'll drop you right outside the door.
00:58:19It's only 50 yards from the car park.
00:58:21Yes, I know, but you don't want to walk past that cinema queue, do you?
00:58:24Why not?
00:58:25Well, because, you know, it'll be full of yobs and all that, won't it?
00:58:28Eh?
00:58:30Look, come here, just a minute.
00:58:31Just before you...
00:58:32Just give me a minute.
00:58:33I want to ask you something.
00:58:34Sit down there, right?
00:58:35Um, listen, have you ever had, like, a nightmare
00:58:39that Rodney'd been out with another girl?
00:58:43No.
00:58:44Well, I have.
00:58:45All right.
00:58:46Um, now, just for argument's sake, tell me,
00:58:48what would your reaction be if, like, you did?
00:58:54What, Rodney with another girl?
00:58:56Mm.
00:58:57That wouldn't bother me.
00:58:59Oh, good, because, uh,
00:59:00Rodney's taken another bird to the pictures tonight.
00:59:03He's done what?
00:59:05No.
00:59:07Rodney wouldn't do that.
00:59:08Yes, yes, he would.
00:59:09Oh, yeah.
00:59:10Because he's done it to make you jealous, you see.
00:59:13What he was hoping for,
00:59:14he was hoping that you would see him
00:59:16and this Tanya bird standing in the cinema queue.
00:59:19And I said, Cassandra's far too intelligent
00:59:21for all that.
00:59:21Who the hell's Tanya?
00:59:24Tanya?
00:59:25Well, she's the girl from the...
00:59:26It was just a silly disagreement, that's all.
00:59:29I thought you said it wouldn't bother you.
00:59:31It doesn't.
00:59:32The bastard.
00:59:34I love it.
00:59:36Well, he loves you, too.
00:59:37Oh, it looks like it.
00:59:39We only had a row about badminton
00:59:41and he started an affair with another woman.
00:59:43No, he hasn't.
00:59:43He's only taken some tart out
00:59:45to see Honey and I Shrunk the Kids.
00:59:47I wanted to see that.
00:59:49Oh, God.
00:59:54Here you are.
00:59:56Oh, dear God.
01:00:04Well, you're taking this very well, Cassandra.
01:00:08Thanks for telling me, Del.
01:00:09Yeah, well, all right, it's all right.
01:00:10I couldn't very well...
01:00:11I couldn't very well see you walk into an ambush, could I?
01:00:16Rodney's only doing this.
01:00:17It's only a silly way of trying to get you back.
01:00:19Getting me back for what?
01:00:20No, no, no.
01:00:21Not getting you back for something.
01:00:23Getting you back with him.
01:00:24But I haven't gone anywhere.
01:00:25I'm still here.
01:00:26I know.
01:00:27I know you have, sweetheart.
01:00:29I know you are.
01:00:29I know you are.
01:00:31Listen.
01:00:32I'll tell you what.
01:00:32Look.
01:00:33Look, forget it.
01:00:34Don't go to evening classes tonight, eh?
01:00:37No.
01:00:38I'll go around to my friend Emma's house.
01:00:39Yeah, that's a good idea.
01:00:41So we keep this just between ourselves, eh?
01:00:43We won't tell the neighbours or your dad about it, will we?
01:00:47No.
01:00:49Good girl.
01:00:49You know it makes sense.
01:00:51What time will you be back?
01:00:55I don't know.
01:00:56Late.
01:00:56Why?
01:00:57Well, it's just that I'll get Raquel to give you a ring.
01:01:00You know, to cheer you up a bit.
01:01:01Yeah.
01:01:02Because her marriage broke up and all that.
01:01:04You know, what I mean is, no, she'll understand what you are going through.
01:01:11That's all I meant.
01:01:12Oh, yeah.
01:01:14Are you all right, sweetheart?
01:01:15Yeah.
01:01:15Okay.
01:01:16Yeah, I'm all right.
01:01:16Listen, I've got to be away.
01:01:18Yeah.
01:01:18All right, I'll talk to you later.
01:01:19Okay.
01:01:20And thanks, Del.
01:01:21It's all right, sweetheart.
01:01:22All right?
01:01:23Yeah.
01:01:24You won't do anything silly, will you?
01:01:42No, I'm fine.
01:01:45Lovely job, Lee.
01:01:54I didn't know what you were doing.
01:02:09Brilliant rubbish.
01:02:11I wish I'd never put those Made in Britain stickers on them now.
01:02:14All right.
01:02:14Sorry, what did you say, sweetheart?
01:02:15Earlier this evening, when he was saying all those horrible things about women,
01:02:18I didn't realise you were trying to frighten Rodney out of his date.
01:02:21Yeah, and that didn't work, though, did it?
01:02:22I couldn't see Rodney being unfaithful, could you?
01:02:26No.
01:02:27He's not that stupid, is he?
01:02:28Oh, yeah, he's stupid enough.
01:02:29It's just that he never has any success with birds.
01:02:32I mean, that bloke has been blown out more times than a windsock.
01:02:35During the war...
01:02:36Oh, God, look at the time.
01:02:37Oh, dear.
01:02:38Midnight already.
01:02:39A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott, died of a sexually related condition.
01:02:48Oh, yeah?
01:02:48Yeah.
01:02:50His girlfriend's husband shot him.
01:02:52I wish somebody had shot you.
01:03:01Yes.
01:03:01Yes, yes, yes.
01:03:02Trotters Independent Traders.
01:03:04Hello.
01:03:04Del, it's me.
01:03:05Oh, it's you, is it, Rodney.
01:03:07And what do you want?
01:03:09I've been thinking.
01:03:10Oh, have you?
01:03:11Hang about.
01:03:11I'll call a press conference for tomorrow morning.
01:03:14Oh, Del, listen.
01:03:15I haven't been drinking.
01:03:17See?
01:03:19Are you sure?
01:03:21Yeah.
01:03:21Oh, no, you haven't.
01:03:22All right, go on, then.
01:03:23I've been doing a bit of growing up.
01:03:24Yeah?
01:03:25I've realised that you were right and I was wrong.
01:03:28Well, there you are, you see.
01:03:30Undo I was right.
01:03:31I told you I was right.
01:03:32But you wouldn't listen, would you, eh?
01:03:33No, I did listen.
01:03:35I bought some champagne and roses for Cassie.
01:03:37Oh, that's a bit, that's a bit corny, isn't it, eh?
01:03:40And a bit late.
01:03:41You should have thought that before you took this Tanya bird to the, to the pictures.
01:03:45You can't turn the clock back, Rodney.
01:03:46No, I didn't take Tanya out.
01:03:48Look, it doesn't matter where you took her, you see.
01:03:51You didn't take Tanya out?
01:03:54No.
01:03:55Well, I thought of all the things you said, so I phoned her and I told her I was a married man.
01:04:00I told her I was still very much in love with my wife.
01:04:03Does that sound a bit yucky?
01:04:06Yes.
01:04:09Yes, Rodney, that sounds absolutely horrible.
01:04:12And then I thought, well, why am I saying all this to a total stranger?
01:04:15I should be telling me why.
01:04:17So that's what I'm going to do.
01:04:19Yes, that's terrific.
01:04:19That's terrific, Rodney.
01:04:20That's terrific.
01:04:21But, listen, just one thing.
01:04:23Look, don't go back to the flat, all right?
01:04:25Because Cassandra isn't in, you see.
01:04:28No, no, I'm back at the flat now.
01:04:30I'll just wait for her.
01:04:31You know.
01:04:32Who's hurrying, eh?
01:04:34It's back at the flat.
01:04:35You're back at the flat now, are you?
01:04:37Well, listen, Rodney.
01:04:39Listen, I've got to tell you something.
01:04:41Oh, no.
01:04:41You've done enough for me for one day, Del.
01:04:43No.
01:04:44No, listen, Rodney.
01:04:45I've got to say something to you.
01:04:46There's something I want to say to you, Del.
01:04:48Yeah?
01:04:49What is it?
01:04:49I love you, Del boy.
01:04:56You dick stick.
01:05:03What's happened?
01:05:04Rodney.
01:05:05It's Rodney.
01:05:06He's only gone back to his flat, hasn't he, eh?
01:05:08Well, that's good, isn't it?
01:05:08No, it isn't good, Raquel.
01:05:10It is very, very ungood.
01:05:13Damn, I can't get through.
01:05:15Must have taken the phone off the hook.
01:05:17Perhaps the lie's engaged.
01:05:19The only thing that's engaged is Rodney's hormones.
01:05:23Look, I don't understand this.
01:05:24You've been telling Rodney to go back to Cassandra for ages.
01:05:27Yes, I know that.
01:05:28That was before he took Tanya to see Honey, I Strunk the Bloody Kids.
01:05:31But you just said Rodney didn't take Tanya.
01:05:34Yes, he didn't.
01:05:36But you see, Cassandra, she thinks he did.
01:05:39What makes her think that?
01:05:44I don't know, do I?
01:05:48Something must have told her, I suppose.
01:05:49Something like that.
01:05:51Oh, Del, you didn't.
01:05:54I couldn't help it.
01:05:56I was only doing it for her.
01:05:58I couldn't see the poor little mare walk past the cinema queue
01:06:01and see her husband groping Miss Quick Fit, could I?
01:06:05I didn't want to see Cassandra hurt.
01:06:08I mean, she's family, isn't she?
01:06:11Oh, God.
01:06:13I'm going to go round there, round over there flat
01:06:15and see if I can catch Cassandra
01:06:16and say to her that I made a mistake
01:06:20and do it before she sets eyes on that, that, that Wally.
01:06:25Why does he have to interfere?
01:06:30It's just his nature.
01:06:32Still, proves his heart's in the right place.
01:06:35Hmm.
01:06:36Pity about his brain.
01:06:40Yeah.
01:06:40Did I happen to mention
01:06:44as you tease me through
01:06:48Did I happen to mention
01:06:51I'm waiting for your mood
01:06:54I've been meaning to tell you
01:07:01that I'm sorry
01:07:03I've been meaning to tell you
01:07:06I can't wait for love for you
01:07:09I've been meaning to tell you
01:07:12I've been meaning to tell you
01:07:15I've come home.
01:07:17You!
01:07:18Cassandra, will you just give me a minute to explain?
01:07:21Get out of here, Robby.
01:07:23Go to bloody Tania's or whatever her name is.
01:07:25Tania?
01:07:26I don't know anyone called Tania.
01:07:28Is that a man or a woman?
01:07:30Oh, don't try and deny it, Robby.
01:07:31Del told me all about the two of you.
01:07:33Well, he was lying.
01:07:34She worked for the...
01:07:35Lovely evening, innit?
01:07:36I don't know if I'm in love for them, aren't you?
01:07:39Stop the roses.
01:07:41Cass, if you just calm down for one minute
01:07:44you realise this has all been a big mistake.
01:07:46Our marriage is a big mistake.
01:07:47Cass, we always said
01:07:49if we had a problem
01:07:50we would sit down and...
01:07:51Oh, just bugger her!
01:07:54Cass!
01:07:55Cass!
01:07:58She's back then.
01:08:00Go on, girl.
01:08:01Why did you tell her?
01:08:02Well, I had to, Rodney,
01:08:04to save her from any pain.
01:08:06Well, what about me?
01:08:07She just whacked me in the shin
01:08:08with a badminton racket.
01:08:09Yeah, don't you raise your voice
01:08:10at...
01:08:10It's gone, midnight.
01:08:12Well, go back to bed then.
01:08:14Get down, I said you're lying.
01:08:15It's a little bit of a mess.
01:08:18Get down, sir.
01:08:23All right.
01:08:24What, yeah?
01:08:25Just calm yourself down.
01:08:27Just calm yourself down, all right?
01:08:28You.
01:08:29You of all people
01:08:30grass me up.
01:08:31And you grass me up
01:08:32for something I didn't even do.
01:08:34Have you any idea
01:08:36what Cassandra's reaction
01:08:37would have been
01:08:37if she'd seen you
01:08:39with that Tanya sauce?
01:08:40Yes!
01:08:41She's just given me
01:08:41a bloody good example of it.
01:08:44I wasn't going to take Tanya out.
01:08:46I changed my mind
01:08:47before I got to the bottom
01:08:48of the lift.
01:08:49I just made a stupid fret
01:08:50out of anger and frustration.
01:08:54You said...
01:08:55I know what I said.
01:08:57But there's a world of difference
01:08:58between saying and doing,
01:08:59isn't there?
01:09:00If I'd gone to the police
01:09:02every time you said
01:09:03you were going to kill me,
01:09:04you'd still be slopping out
01:09:05in Parkhurst.
01:09:07Well, thanks to you,
01:09:07my wife now thinks
01:09:08I'm having a passionate affair
01:09:09with a siren of the exhaust centre
01:09:11and you've offended my neighbours.
01:09:13People are trying to sleep.
01:09:15Shut up!
01:09:18Calm down.
01:09:19Just calm down, all right?
01:09:23All right.
01:09:24Fair enough.
01:09:25I'll be sorry.
01:09:29Sorry?
01:09:31Yes.
01:09:33I'm sorry.
01:09:38Look, is there anything
01:09:40I can do to help?
01:09:42Yes, piss off!
01:09:45You just listen to me,
01:09:47you ungrateful little dipstick!
01:09:48I've struggled over here
01:09:49in the middle of the night
01:09:50just to help you!
01:09:51And I was on a promise!
01:09:54You listen to me.
01:09:56I don't want your help.
01:09:58I don't want your favours,
01:09:59your assistance,
01:10:00all your advice!
01:10:02I don't want nothing off you
01:10:03for the rest of my life!
01:10:04I was only trying
01:10:08to do the best
01:10:09for Cassandra and you.
01:10:13Yeah, and to make sure
01:10:14you got all that printing
01:10:15done on the cheap!
01:10:19You don't really believe that,
01:10:21do you, Rodney?
01:10:25Probably not.
01:10:30See you.
01:10:34I've locked myself out.
01:11:01Done what?
01:11:02I've left my key upstairs.
01:11:04I'll press the buzzer
01:11:05on the intercom
01:11:05and tell Cassandra.
01:11:07She won't let me in.
01:11:08No, I know,
01:11:09but he might cheer her up a bit.
01:11:16This whole thing
01:11:16hasn't gone quite as well
01:11:17as I know.
01:11:19I know what.
01:11:22Well, that's jealousy
01:11:23for you, bruv.
01:11:26Very dangerous thing.
01:11:30We've nailed this right up,
01:11:32haven't we?
01:11:32So what's new?
01:11:38What am I going to do,
01:11:40Dale?
01:11:50Come on, Rodney.
01:11:52Come on.
01:11:54Let's go home.
01:11:55I don't know what you're thinking.
01:12:03Should I stay or say goodbye?
01:12:09You blow smoke on the ceiling.
01:12:11You don't want to look into my eyes.
01:12:16You don't want to look into my eyes.
01:12:19You've got somebody who loves you.
01:12:24You've got somebody who loves you.
01:12:25You don't want to look into my eyes.
01:12:29I don't want to look into my eyes.
01:12:34Sheets around you, with me hugged up inside
01:12:39I wanna see you find the fire
01:12:44Come on stop the blaze and don't run for cover
01:12:52You've got someone who loves you
01:12:55Somebody who loves you
01:12:59I wanna see you find the fire
01:13:14Come on stop the blaze and don't run for cover
01:13:20Mistaken shyness can be costly