- 1 day ago
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la
00:37La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la
00:41Is that old, the devil's car love again
00:47Oh!
00:50Ow!
00:50i love this one marble arch at dawn by rodney trotter age 14 and a half
01:08what's this bit did you paint something out yeah the eiffel tower
01:13is that meant to signify something yeah it signifies that originally it
01:20was the arc de triomphe but nothing could spell the arc de triomphe so i thought
01:24i'll stick a double decker bus going past and say it's marble arch
01:28and it worked in fact my art teacher said in my school report he thought it was a masterpiece
01:33so how does it feel to be in the company of a genius if i ever find out i'll drop you
01:39a line are you going to pour that or paint it
01:42rodney i know i'm going to make myself look very stupid but does this baked bean label
01:53mean anything yes it does it means del's been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio
02:01again what competition oh it's his latest line isn't it he's going in for any competition
02:06he can get his hands on we've had spot the ball spot the mistake spot the dog everything
02:11oh look at this lot spaghetti hoop labels crisp packets malteser rackers i didn't think dale
02:20was the type to go in for competitions oh yeah at the moment he's on the verge of winning a brand
02:25new full tiara a free manicure for a year and a night out with maria whittaker
02:30where is del ah both he and albert have got dates this evening del seeing some bird called
02:37patchoula he chatted her up at a boot sale who's albert going out with oh some old dear
02:42called elsie partridge he met her at bingo she's a widow i think she's got 11 children
02:4811 kids yeah then her husband got fed up and died
02:53the same place in the time you like smoked salmon good because you smoke salmon sandwiches
03:05do you want vinegar
03:14Did you put a plug on the microwave, Rodney?
03:30Do you hear something, then?
03:33Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts?
03:38I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge.
03:40I have. She'll be here in a minute.
03:42Hold on. I thought you was taking her out.
03:44And I thought you were taking the girl wash day, Matt.
03:46How are you, love? All right?
03:47Yes, very much.
03:48I'm not spoiling my evening for you, Rodney.
03:51It's all arranged.
03:52I've got a beef risotto for the microwave
03:54and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge.
04:04Sorry about this.
04:05It's OK. It's the way it goes.
04:08Oi, I know.
04:09I could drop Albert a few quid.
04:11Then maybe after dinner,
04:12he'll take Elsie Partridge down to bingo, eh?
04:15Then we could be alone.
04:29Oh, look at the state he's left this place in.
04:32Wait till I get my hands on that little plonker.
04:34What are you two doing?
04:39It's as though you're sitting there
04:40waiting for your case to come up.
04:42You've been sitting here discussing art, that's all.
04:45Isn't it funny that every time he discusses art with someone,
04:48their buttons come undone?
04:53Here.
04:54Right, Rodney.
04:54Here's the keys to the van.
04:56You can take Cassandra out now.
04:58We're not going out.
04:59We could go out for a while.
05:01No, that's all right, Cassandra.
05:03We're staying put.
05:04Rodney, can I have a board meeting?
05:11Look, Petulia is coming round.
05:13Well, Cassandra is already here.
05:15We're having a cultural evening.
05:17Yes, I know, but Petulia is bringing all her gear.
05:23Derek, I don't care if she is bringing her gear.
05:25We are staying put.
05:28But look, I'm giving her a yuppie salad, don't I?
05:30I went out first thing this morning,
05:32I bought her smoked salmon and everything.
05:34I don't care what she's bought.
05:38How's she going, Anthony?
05:39Good boy.
05:40You know it makes sense.
05:42Where's my bottle of wine?
05:44Oh, blimey, Captain Bird's eyes here.
05:46I know.
05:47I thought you were supposed to be going out
05:49with the old woman who lived in the zoo.
05:51I am.
05:52She'll be at the dinner in a minute.
05:53Dinner?
05:54She's not coming round to eat the dinner, is she?
05:56Oh, well, that's handsome, that is, isn't it?
05:58You might as well stay here, Rodney.
05:59We'll have a party.
06:00True, fair.
06:05Sorry, I didn't realise.
06:08He's showing you his etchings, has he?
06:10Yeah, I think he's good.
06:12Yeah, he's all right, I suppose.
06:14So I like a bit more realism in my art.
06:16That's always let you down, Rodney, you see.
06:18What are you talking about?
06:20That's realistic, isn't it?
06:22Yeah, and it's full.
06:24Look, I said I'm sorry.
06:26Yeah, but I mean, look at all the other stuff here.
06:29I mean, take a look at this one, for example.
06:32Marble Arch at Dawn.
06:33What a cock-up that turned out to be.
06:35Rodney's art teacher liked it.
06:37He said he thought it was a masterpiece.
06:38No, he didn't.
06:39He said he thought it was a mantelpiece.
06:41It's all right for you to laugh.
06:48He nicked my bottle of wine.
06:50Oh, stop, mate, about your bottle of wine, you old git.
06:52Anyway, I thought you didn't mean to laugh in shit.
06:55Look, he's in love.
06:57You know, we've got to learn...
06:58We've got to learn to be a bit more understanding, you see.
07:03Yeah, I suppose you're all right.
07:05It was only a cheap bottle of wine anyway.
07:06Well, that's it, exactly, ain't it, mate?
07:10Yeah, ain't it?
07:11Yeah, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon away and all,
07:14ain't he, eh?
07:15Get my hands on him.
07:17Don't have a go at him in front of Cassandra.
07:19You just embarrass a boy.
07:20All right.
07:21Perhaps you're right.
07:22I'll wait till she's gone.
07:23Then I'll kick him up the jack seat.
07:25What's that for me this morning?
07:26No, just a couple of bills.
07:28Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours.
07:30You won't call them dopey when I win, will you, eh?
07:33How can you win?
07:35You don't post your entry till a couple of days before the closing date?
07:38No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile.
07:41You know, you've got to think about these things, haven't you?
07:45There's a competition on the back of them cornflakes.
07:48Oh, yeah?
07:49You can't win a raffle, you know, if you don't buy a ticket.
07:52Hey, listen.
07:53I'm expecting Monkey Harris to come round in the morning.
07:56He's expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malay at the end of next month.
07:59Tell him I'm not interested.
08:01But you are.
08:02I know that, but don't let him know that.
08:04Otherwise, he'd expect a fair price, wouldn't he, eh?
08:07I'll get it.
08:12What's that?
08:12Another competition?
08:13Yeah, don't worry.
08:14I'll win this one.
08:15What have you got to do?
08:15I don't know yet.
08:17Oi.
08:18Yeah?
08:19It's Albert's old bird.
08:21Yeah.
08:22Uncle, your date is here.
08:25An old dragon.
08:26You saucy git.
08:34That's Petulia.
08:35Right, there you go, love.
09:02Thanks.
09:09Oh, I'm sorry, Cass.
09:10I've lost me appetite a bit.
09:12Why?
09:13What's wrong?
09:14Nothing.
09:14I'm just sitting here thinking about us.
09:17And it's put you off your food.
09:19Thanks, lovely.
09:20No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
09:24Cass?
09:25We're pretty close, wouldn't you say?
09:29Sorry.
09:31I didn't mean it like that.
09:33I mean, you know, we get on really well.
09:36We have our moments.
09:37Yeah.
09:39We're then moments.
09:40It's worrying, honey.
09:42See, I've got a bit of a dilemma.
09:45I think maybe I ought to discuss it.
09:47Far away.
09:49Well, look, we're both responsible, mature adults, right?
09:55Yeah.
09:58Oh, well, that's it.
09:59Forget it.
10:04Isn't it fair, eh?
10:05Young fella like Rodney stops all to have dinner with a bird
10:08and leaves a carrot to an old chap like me.
10:11They've got no respect these days.
10:13They've got no respect these days.
10:14You fought in the war, didn't you?
10:17I fought in the war, didn't I?
10:19I thought so.
10:20Kids like Rodney could have freedom.
10:22What do they do with their freedom?
10:24Anything they bloody like.
10:26Anything they bloody like.
10:28All right, unpack that box
10:30and put some of them shirts in the suitcase, brilliant.
10:31Oh, is that for me?
10:32No, it's addressed to Rodney.
10:33Oh, well, same thing.
10:36Let's see what he's been getting through the post.
10:39Now then, dear Rodney Trotter,
10:41thank you for your contributions, blah, blah.
10:43I'll be pleased to tell you that you will stone me.
10:47What's wrong?
10:48Wait, do you remember that competition I sent off for?
10:50You sent off hundreds of me?
10:52No, the mega cornflakes competition.
10:54Yeah, what about it?
10:55Well, what they want you to do,
10:56you have to draw a paint a world-famous landmark, right?
10:58Well, world-famous landmarks are not my speciality.
11:02I'm more a portrait man myself.
11:03So just for a laugh,
11:04I sent off the old marble arch at dawn in Rodney's name,
11:07and guess what?
11:09He's only won.
11:11Oh, fully my leg.
11:13No, no, look.
11:14Straight up.
11:14I've been butchers at that, look.
11:16They've given away ten top prizes
11:18of a week's holiday in the Mediterranean,
11:20and Rodney's got for one.
11:21I always said that was a good painting, didn't I?
11:23I mean, it's the realism.
11:24Always been Rodney's strength, there.
11:26Oh, well, peace for the boy.
11:28He's never won anything in his life.
11:30No, only a couple of them ugly bird contests
11:32when he was younger.
11:33Well, they're sending him there.
11:35Look, that's it, Mallorca.
11:37A luxury suite in a five-star hotel,
11:40a la carte menu,
11:42and a week's spending money
11:43for the winners and their guests.
11:45Their guests?
11:46Their guests, of course.
11:48It's always a holiday for two, isn't it, eh?
11:50Yes, I could do with a break.
11:52Oh, yes.
11:52That's strange.
11:53That's me up a treat.
11:55That's strange.
11:56What is?
11:58Have you read page two?
12:00Well, no, not yet.
12:01Well, I think you better.
12:03Oh, no.
12:07I don't believe these wallies.
12:09You know me, son.
12:11I never interfere.
12:13But I think it's only right to tell the boy.
12:15Yes, what we have here, Uncle,
12:16is a case of a je ne sais quoi, pourquoi.
12:21What's that mean?
12:22Well, roughly translated,
12:23it means he who sticks his nose into a beehive
12:26will get more than a nostril full of honey.
12:29Do I make myself clear?
12:31I'm saying nothing, son.
12:32Cush, dear.
12:36Well, I suppose I better be getting off.
12:38What are you and Del up to today, then?
12:39Well, he's picking up a gross of Italian shirts
12:42off Monkey Harris,
12:43and I'm down the market selling kiddies dolls.
12:45Well, I won't always be doing this.
12:48Doing what?
12:49Well, selling crap down markets.
12:52I'll get my diploma in computer science soon,
12:54and things will change.
12:56You don't have to prove anything to me, you know, Rodney.
12:58Well, you've got a good job in a bank and churn.
13:01Your dad's a successful businessman,
13:03and me, well, I'm an apprentice fly picture.
13:07I mean, let's be fair, Cass.
13:08A girl like you, she could marry some really rich, good-looking bloke.
13:12If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man,
13:15and he asked me to marry him,
13:16do you know what I'd say?
13:18What?
13:18I'd say, ciao, Rodney,
13:20and you wouldn't see me for the tinted windows on his Porsche.
13:23But until that time,
13:25I'm happy to drag along with you.
13:32So you're not just saying that?
13:34No, honestly.
13:36Oh, and there's me fretting, eh?
13:41I've been going out with you longer
13:43than I went out with any of my other boyfriends.
13:45And do you know why?
13:47So they all packed you in?
13:49Right.
13:51And because I love you.
13:54Oh.
13:56Well, I love you too, Cass.
13:59What, a load of old cobblers?
14:02Makes you want to throw up.
14:06Why do you always come to this pub?
14:09It's the atmosphere, I suppose.
14:12Rodders!
14:13Yeah, I'm on me way now, Dale.
14:15Michael, I bought you your best champagne, please.
14:18Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:19Rodney.
14:20Rodney, have I got news for you, bruv?
14:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:24You, Rodney Chopper, have only won a competition.
14:28All right, what is it, a wind-up?
14:30No, no, no, this is God's honest.
14:32Well, there it is in black and white.
14:33What can't speak can't lie.
14:35Look at that.
14:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:36I don't believe this is happening to me.
14:42Bloody hell!
14:45Oh, sorry.
14:46It's okay.
14:47Where's the other page?
14:48Huh?
14:49Well, it says, please turn to page two.
14:51Oh, yes, that's all right.
14:52No, I left that in a flat.
14:53It's not a mistake.
14:54No, no, it's all pucker and above board.
14:56I just phoned them up.
14:57They're expecting to see you in Mallorca.
14:59They want to take publicity photographs and everything.
15:01You're going to be on the back of millions of cornflake packets.
15:04Am I?
15:05Yeah, you and the nine other winners, yeah.
15:08A Mediterranean holiday, eh?
15:10I've never won anything before in my life, have I?
15:13No, apart from them ugly bird competition.
15:15No, he's never won anything in his life.
15:17You clever old thing.
15:19I didn't even know you'd been in for a competition.
15:21Well, no, it was...
15:23Dale, I never went in for this competition.
15:29No, no, I did it for you.
15:30Ah, that was a painting competition, you see,
15:32so I sent off the old marble large at dawn
15:34and it's come up trumps, look at it.
15:36And what did the other page say?
15:38Oh, it was nothing, it was all about sightseeing and excursions
15:40and all that sort of thing.
15:41Here, listen, I'll get the champers, all right?
15:43Hey, come on, Michael, where is he?
15:45Come on.
15:46A holiday in Mallorca, eh?
15:47Mm.
15:49Will you miss me?
15:50I bet you too.
15:53But I expect I'll find something to replace the excitement of your presence.
15:57You know, knitting, something like that.
15:58Now, listen, can you get a week off work?
16:00Yeah, I'm owed some holidays.
16:02Right, what about your parents?
16:03I thought it was only a holiday for two.
16:05You know what I mean.
16:07How they're going to feel about you coming on holiday with me?
16:10Rodney, my parents like you.
16:11They trust you.
16:13Do they?
16:14I'm not sure I like that.
16:19Here we go.
16:20Yeah, there we go.
16:21I'll tell you what, Rodney, we'll be having champagne for breakfast every morning when we get to Mallorca.
16:25And it'll all be for larking.
16:27There you go, darling.
16:28I'll tell you what, I just can't wait to get there.
16:30Yeah, well, the thing is...
16:34Yeah, come on, drink up, drink up.
16:35Here, come on, cheers, celebrate.
16:36Cheers.
16:37It's just that, you know, this holiday is for two, and I was thinking...
16:41No, no, no.
16:42It's not for two, bruv, it's for three.
16:44For nothing, no.
16:46No, for three.
16:47For three?
16:48For three?
16:48Yeah.
16:49Are you sure?
16:49Of course I'm sure.
16:51I read it.
16:51It was in that second page that I threw, I left in the flag.
16:56Three's a funny number, isn't it?
16:57Oh, yeah, three's very funny.
16:59It always has me in stitches as three, three.
17:01What I mean is, these things are usually done in twos, aren't they?
17:06I mean, you see it on the telly, don't you?
17:07Bob Full House and Price is Right and all that game.
17:10A holiday for two.
17:12So why's this one for three?
17:13Well, I don't know.
17:14You get on a blower to the Corn Flakes people and I'll see him.
17:17Maybe it's because it's Mega Flakes.
17:18You know, they do everything bigger.
17:20There you are, see?
17:20She's cracked it.
17:22I'll tell you what this means, Rodney.
17:24What?
17:24It means that Cassandra can come with us, eh?
17:28Yeah, I thought of that.
17:30Thank you, love to.
17:31Yeah, well, see, eh?
17:33Just, what, three weeks to the off?
17:34Just enough time for us to get some new clothes.
17:36You get your bikini line sorted out.
17:41And then we're off, eh?
17:43Lovely jubbly.
17:44Yeah, right.
17:47Three people?
17:49It's three, Rodney, just three.
17:50Three, just don't keep going on about it, all right?
17:52Excuse me.
17:54Oh, right, look, see you later, okay?
17:59I'm just going to the ladies.
18:08Sorry, I thought you was going.
18:10You wally.
18:19Shut up.
18:22Look, I'm glad she's gone.
18:24I want us to have a little chat with you, you know.
18:26I've got a bit of a problem.
18:27Well, it's more of a worry.
18:30What, is it about the holiday?
18:31Well, yeah, sort of.
18:33The holiday's heightened my concern, you know.
18:36Made the problem a little more urgent, sort of thing.
18:38What is it, then, Rudders?
18:40What is it?
18:52What, Ford Escorts?
19:05Oh, I see, brav.
19:08You don't have to worry.
19:11They're not really that size in real life.
19:16I know that.
19:19God, but I know they're not that.
19:21I don't know.
19:25What I mean is, me and Cassie are getting closer all the time, you know.
19:29Well, I mean, we haven't done nothing yet.
19:32Right?
19:33I thought you was on the firm with it.
19:34No, no, no, it's nothing like that.
19:37But, yeah, well, you know, let's face it, with the best of intentions, these things can get beyond our control.
19:42Yeah.
19:43It's way beyond mine, brav.
19:44So, I feel that in this day and age, and what's happening in the world, it is every responsible adult's duty to, well...
19:55Go equipped?
19:57Well, yeah, if you like.
19:59Yeah, well, no.
20:00That's very wise and mature of you, Rudders.
20:02That is.
20:02No, it really is.
20:03So, what's the problem?
20:04Well, I keep going to buy them.
20:07Yeah, go on.
20:10Well, there's a sort of stigma attached to them.
20:17No, that's just a piece of silver foil you took out of the way.
20:20I don't know why I ever involved you in this.
20:31I mean, well, in this day of AIDS and all the warnings in the telly and in the press and all that, people are still embarrassed to go and buy them.
20:40You know what I mean?
20:40Me, I seem to think that it's only seedy little blokes doing it.
20:45Well, you get them for me.
20:46Get on your bike.
20:52You get them yourself.
20:54Well, I'm like, come on.
20:56Because I keep going to get them, right?
20:57And every time I go into the shop, it's either a lady serving me or me bottle goes.
21:02I mean, look at this.
21:04This morning, I bought four combs, a tub of it, and a film for a Kodak Instamatic.
21:09Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days, don't you?
21:12You can get them in the butchers, a bike shop.
21:14In Patel's multi-mart, they got them by the phone card counter.
21:19And you know, the thieving man had a machine in here that you could get them in once.
21:22You know, except they got jammed with a drak mark.
21:25Does Cassandra know about this?
21:27Have you discussed it with her?
21:28Well, of course I have.
21:30Do you think I...
21:31Oh, God, she's coming for you.
21:35All right?
21:36Want some more champagne?
21:37No, I've got to get back to work in a minute.
21:39I'll stick with the fruit juice.
21:40Oh, all right, all right.
21:40I'll get you some, I'll get you one.
21:45Cass, what I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship...
21:50What about it?
21:51Well, when one is in a situation like ours, one...
21:57Or in our case, too.
21:59Or in our case, too, should be careful.
22:04Careful of what?
22:05That we don't become free.
22:09Oh, I see what you mean.
22:12Yeah, I do hope you don't think I'm being presuming or anything.
22:15I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together.
22:19And, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom and, well, sharing the same hotel suite,
22:25our relationship could, well, who knows, ascend to a more physical plane.
22:31Yes, I suppose so.
22:36Yeah?
22:40Well, who knows what might happen.
22:44You haven't been discussing this with Del, have you?
22:46No, of course I haven't.
22:48No, what do you think I am?
22:51Good.
22:52Oi, Rudders, you're in luck.
22:54Mike's had a new machine fitted in the gen.
22:58I'll get you some change, Rudney.
23:01What?
23:24Well, where are they then?
23:25Well, the courier said, mate, at the desk.
23:27Oh, there it is.
23:28Oh.
23:29Right, Porta Sangria Jose, we have arrived.
23:32Hang on, hang on.
23:35Listen, just before you go and check in,
23:38this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.
23:43Well, he did win, didn't he?
23:45Oh, yes, yes, yes, oh, yeah.
23:46Well, it's all puckering above board and all that.
23:48I mean, you know, he got all the tickets and everything, yeah.
23:51So what's the problem?
23:53That's strange, you know.
23:54What?
23:55Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register.
23:59They're all mums and dads.
24:01They've all brought their kids with them.
24:03What's strange about that?
24:05Look, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
24:10No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney.
24:12It's the kids.
24:15What do you mean?
24:17Well, Rodney's painting one first prize
24:19in an under-15-year-old category.
24:25Say again.
24:28So they think Rodney's 15.
24:31Is that right?
24:33No.
24:34They think you're 14.
24:3714?
24:38I think I'm 14.
24:40Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
24:44Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud over the hoarder.
24:48Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith.
24:51I mean, I didn't know there were lots of categories,
24:53but it was you, not me.
24:55You were the one that wrote on it,
24:56Rodney Trotter, age 14 and a half.
24:58So the organisers must have put you in the kids category.
25:01So it was your fault that you wrote on it?
25:04How was I to know that in 12 years' time
25:06you were going to enter it for a Cornflakes competition?
25:09Well, how was I supposed to know that you'd win?
25:12What?
25:13Anyway, it doesn't matter.
25:14Now, come on, come on.
25:15You're going to waltz through it.
25:16Waltz through it?
25:17How the hell am I going to pass for a Cornflakes?
25:21Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?
25:25Act your age.
25:28This is your fault.
25:29I'm going to break your bloody neck.
25:32Just look over there, look.
25:34Look, some of those lads, look, they're over six foot tall.
25:3715 and 16-year-olds,
25:39they look much older these days than they used to,
25:41and you've got the added advantage of your boys' good looks.
25:44That's why there was free tickets, isn't it?
25:46One each for Mummy and Daddy and one for the school.
25:50Well, you can't expect 13 and 14-year-olds
25:52to go abroad on their own, can you, eh?
25:55And what exactly is your role in all this?
25:58Well, um, when the Cornflakes people phoned up,
26:01they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents.
26:05So I said, and I don't know why I did it,
26:09I must have been flustered at the time,
26:12I said that I was your dad.
26:15My dad?
26:16Did you hear that, Cassandra?
26:18Yeah.
26:21And who the hell am I supposed to be?
26:22He's not.
26:23Oh, please tell me this is a bad dream.
26:26You don't pretend, Cassandra.
26:28You're only pretending, aren't you?
26:29I mean, you haven't got to check behind his ears
26:31or pick him up from school or nothing like that, have you?
26:33I think we should go and tell them the truth.
26:34Just a minute, Toby, just a minute.
26:37We're here now, aren't we?
26:38If we all keep stum, we can have a lovely free holiday.
26:42But if they find out we're lying, they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
26:45And if they find out, we're telling the truth, they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
26:49Now, return flights are not for another week,
26:50so what are we going to do?
26:51They'll probably stick us in one of those Spanish halfway homes.
26:54Well, at some point, they are going to realise I'm not full team.
26:58But we'll be back in the hotel by then, won't they?
27:01There'd been nobody there to ask questions.
27:03Come on, we're on holiday, eh?
27:06Well, whatever else it turns out to be, it's an experience.
27:09Good girl.
27:10Good girl, that's right.
27:11You know it makes sense, don't you?
27:13That's it.
27:13Now, come on.
27:14Come on, then.
27:15Come on.
27:15Let's get over there and check in.
27:16Come on.
27:17Don't forget you.
27:18You act a bit mumsy, all right?
27:20What do you mean mumsy?
27:22I don't know.
27:22You know, just a bit mumsy.
27:24Come on.
27:28We're leaving in about five minutes, OK?
27:29It's only a half-hour journey to the hotel,
27:31so we should be there in plenty of time for lunch, all right?
27:33It's the Trotter family.
27:35Oh, Mr Trotter, good.
27:36We're just waiting for you.
27:36Oh, hello there.
27:37Alan Perkins, pleased to meet you both.
27:39Right, here are your rosettes.
27:41Oh, what about Mrs Trotter?
27:43Mr Trotter.
27:44OK?
27:45And this one's for young Rod.
27:51He's a big lad, isn't he?
27:52Yes, his late mother was a very tall woman.
27:55For three.
27:56Really?
27:56Oh, yeah.
27:58That's Trotter.
27:59Oh, well, here's your badge, Rodney.
28:01You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang.
28:06The what?
28:08The Groovy Gang.
28:09Just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it.
28:12Every time one of the organisers says,
28:14are you having fun,
28:15all you kids shout,
28:16Groovy!
28:20Well, don't worry.
28:21Don't worry.
28:22You'll soon get the hang of it.
28:23Well, Groovy.
28:25Yeah, it's fine.
28:26Well, we'll be off in a moment.
28:28Yeah.
28:30I don't believe this is happening to me.
28:34It's all right, Woody.
28:34It's all right.
28:35We'll be on the coach in a minute.
28:36Be at the hotel in half an hour.
28:38And then you're free to do what you want.
28:40Nice and easy, bruv.
28:41Nice and easy, eh?
28:42Okay.
28:43All the members of the Groovy Gang over here.
28:46All going to the hotel on the Fun Bucks.
28:52Not with all the old fogies.
28:54Oh, fogies.
28:56It's so exciting.
28:58You're enjoying this, aren't you?
28:59No, no, no.
29:00I'm just playing along.
29:01I'm just playing along with this.
29:02Mums and dads,
29:03if you'd like to follow me,
29:04the coach is just outside.
29:06We've laid on a little welcoming reception
29:07back at the hotel.
29:08I'm sure that none of you would object
29:10to a glass or three of sangria.
29:12That's lovely, Ellen.
29:13Come on in, Rodney.
29:16Go on.
29:16Off you go.
29:18Oh, you're going with the Groovy Gang.
29:21Oh, you're going with the second Groovy Gang.
29:23Come on, Rodney.
29:23Don't let us down now.
29:25Come on.
29:26They're looking over here.
29:27Yeah.
29:27I'm still waiting for a Rodney Trotter.
29:32It's over here, sweetheart.
29:33Come on, Rodney.
29:35Don't be...
29:37Hurry up, Rodney.
29:39I'm not going.
29:40Uh, is he not a good mixer?
29:42Oh, good mixer?
29:43Him.
29:43He's like a Cambridge chef when he gets going.
29:46Oh, come on, Rodney.
29:47Don't be shy.
29:49You'll soon make friends.
29:50We're all going for a jumbo hamburger
29:53and double French fries.
29:54Oh, that's his favourite.
29:57Don't get any ketchup down your shirt.
30:00Get food for Santa.
30:03What, we're going to see you back
30:04at the hotel then, Rodders, all right?
30:06Right, now, come on then.
30:08Come on, darling.
30:09Don't push your luck, Derek.
30:10Thank you, Adam.
30:22Do you like frost?
30:26No.
30:27That's all together.
30:28Are you having fun?
30:30Go!
30:30Hooray!
30:31Yeah, that's better.
30:32Let's go.
30:33Here we go, here we go, here we go.
30:37Here we go, here we go, here we go.
30:40Here we go, here we go, here we go
30:44All right?
31:05It's really nice here. I've just been down to reception.
31:08I bought some Spanish state lottery tickets.
31:11I've filled them in for you and everything.
31:13I bought some for you. Look, there's some for Rodney.
31:15There, look, and there's some for me.
31:17All right, I'll put yours down here. There you go.
31:19You never know. You never know our luck,
31:20because we're on a winning roll, aren't we?
31:22Tell that to poor Rodney.
31:24Oh, look, don't keep going on about it.
31:26You're going to spoil the holiday, you are.
31:28Listen, have you a look around. What's here?
31:30Ah, that's very nice.
31:32That must be Rodney's room.
31:33It's got a picture of Prince on the wall.
31:36If that's Rodney's room,
31:38where am I supposed to sleep?
31:39Well, I thought that you and Rodney...
31:42No, maybe not.
31:45I'll sleep in there.
31:46You and Rodney can have the honeymoon bed.
31:49All right, all right.
31:49Anything you say, sweetheart, anything you say,
31:51I just thought it might be a bit strange
31:52when the old maid come in, you know,
31:54see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king's eyes.
31:56It would look even stranger
31:58if she found Rodney sleeping with his stepmother.
32:02I never thought of that.
32:04I'd better go and cancel breakfast in bed.
32:07Listen, do you want me to take that picture of Prince
32:09down off the wall there?
32:10Just leave it, Derek.
32:11You've done enough for Rodney and I as it is.
32:13Look, I thought the Cornflakes people
32:16would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday.
32:18I didn't know they were going to conscript Rodney
32:20into the groovy gang.
32:22I mean, why did they want to do that?
32:23Mr Perkins explained it to us.
32:25It's so the youngsters won't get bored
32:27and the parents can have a rest.
32:28I won't see you more week, will I?
32:30Yes, of course you will.
32:32He's bound to get a spot to leave.
32:36Oh, look, there he is.
32:37There they all go now.
32:39Hey, Rodney, don't go mad.
32:43They just went down over that hill there.
32:45That was quick, wasn't it?
32:47Yeah, yeah.
32:47They were on skateboards.
32:50Rodney was the leader.
32:51He was right out in front.
32:52Woo-hoo.
32:53Leader of the pack.
32:54Oh, my God.
32:57Hello?
32:57May I come in?
32:58Yes, come in.
32:59Oh, hello, Mrs Trotter.
33:01It's you, it's you.
33:02Oh, um, good afternoon, Carmen.
33:05Is, uh, Rodney here?
33:06No, he's not here at the moment.
33:08Oh, he's still out enjoying himself.
33:11Yes.
33:12Well, it's just to let him know
33:13about the Junior Disco on Wednesday night.
33:15But I'll come back later and see you then.
33:18Bye for now.
33:19That's it. Bye-bye.
33:20Bye.
33:21Did you hear that?
33:22Yeah, it's all right.
33:23Rodney likes a little dance.
33:24It's a Junior Disco.
33:27Well, all right, we say he's ill.
33:28Oh, what, more lies?
33:29No, that'll be the truth.
33:31When we tell him, he's bound to be a top and dick.
33:34Listen, uh, I'm going to have a wash.
33:36Then we go downstairs, see if we can get something to eat.
33:38All right?
33:39What about Rodney?
33:40Oh, that's all right.
33:42We'll pick him up down there somewhere.
33:43Yeah, just look for the nearest sandpit.
33:47Very funny, yeah.
33:48What have you been doing?
34:08I've been skateboarding.
34:09Oh, I see.
34:12Where's Del?
34:14He's having a wash.
34:23Derek?
34:24Hello, brothers.
34:25Yes, I'm back.
34:27Could you come out, please?
34:29I'd like a word with you.
34:31Where's the number?
34:32No, could you come out now?
34:34Oh, I've got me pants off, Rosie.
34:37Well, it's quite urgent, Del.
34:39Yeah, all right.
34:40Give us five minutes.
34:41I'll be with you.
34:43Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.
34:45What bad language?
34:47Get it in there, you dipstick.
34:48I'm going to kill you.
34:49Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
34:53What's up with you?
34:54I'll tell you what's up with me.
34:55Thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man
34:58who's just come second in a skateboard derby.
35:02Second?
35:03You were in the league when I saw you.
35:07I fell off.
35:10I told you not to go mad.
35:14I also have a 13-year-old bros fan called Trudy
35:17who's got the hots for me.
35:19And tomorrow, I start the first
35:21of three cycling proficiency lessons
35:23and I'm going to kill you.
35:25Calm down, Brodney, you mate.
35:27You're not the big king.
35:28Get!
35:30I'm not coming out until you simmer down a bit.
35:32I'll tell you that.
35:34Well, I'll wait.
35:35I don't care if it takes all bloody week.
35:37I'm going to get you, Derek Trotter.
35:39I'm going to get you.
35:46Have you seen the view?
35:49No.
35:51No.
35:59Would you like a drink?
36:06Strychnine, please.
36:08Ice and lemon.
36:09It's where I'll come off.
36:18Toxie lizard.
36:20Shall I clean it up for you?
36:22No.
36:23Well, it could turn septic.
36:25Good.
36:31Is that Trudy waving at you?
36:33Yeah.
36:49You calm down, yet?
36:51Get!
36:55Fain nights.
36:57All right?
36:57Fain nights.
36:58Oh, Rodney.
37:03Look, do you think if I knew this was going to happen, that I'd allow us to come over here?
37:08Of course you would.
37:09Because you don't give a toss about anybody else, as long as you're having a good time.
37:14Oh, that hurts, Rodney.
37:16Oh, that hurts.
37:17It's like a knife going right through my heart, that.
37:21I may be many things, but I am not selfish.
37:24Cheers, darling.
37:27Anyway, they probably fixed up all the entertainments, the daylight, to make you feel at home.
37:32You know, most probably the rest of the week is your own.
37:34Oh, my.
37:35I was given the full itinerary.
37:39Tomorrow, after my cycling lesson, we're all off to the splash and slide.
37:42Then, Wednesday, in the morning, we're going go-karting.
37:47Then, in the afternoon, we have a ping-pong championship.
37:51Then, on Thursday, me and the rest of the groovy gang are out all day painting Parma Cathedral.
37:57What in?
37:58Matt or vinyl?
38:01You're enjoying every bloody minute of this.
38:03No, I'm not.
38:04I'm not.
38:05I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere.
38:08Honestly, if you keep up this mood, you're going to ruin this holiday for us.
38:10Listen to me, you kids.
38:12The argument is not going to help.
38:14Oh, that's you, isn't it?
38:16I bet you told him about the junior disco, didn't you?
38:19Junior disco?
38:21I didn't say a word.
38:22I ain't going to a junior disco.
38:24It's all right, Roddy.
38:24It's all right.
38:25You don't have to.
38:26Me and your step-mum have sorted it all out.
38:29You're going to say you've got the gutsache.
38:30Oh, my God, that's how I'm ill.
38:32Why not?
38:32I've got a great fat nurse to look after us.
38:35Oh, Phil, you like a bit of uniform, though, don't you?
38:39Yeah, but you want to see her.
38:40She'd have to go on a diet to get into the roly-polies.
38:46God, what a choice, eh?
38:48You can either have all day with Trudy in the ear, all going on about Matt and Luke,
38:53or I have to have me belly rubbed by Sister George.
38:56Tricky one, bro.
38:56Well, you are enjoying this, isn't she?
39:00No, I am not.
39:02You're deliberately saying things to annoy Rodney, aren't you?
39:05All right, I won't say another word.
39:07Right, that's it.
39:08I'm just going to go out and have a walk round the town, all right?
39:10I didn't know you liked uniforms.
39:20Oh, nice.
39:22It's just him mucking about.
39:24Yeah.
39:25Oh, yes?
39:26Is Rodney back yet?
39:27Oh, yeah, come in, come in.
39:29Just a minute.
39:30I'll give you a shout.
39:31Rodney, Rodney, the RK law is here.
39:45We just thought we'd take the opportunity to check your passports.
39:49Oh, yeah.
39:50What do you want to check our passports for?
39:51Well, it's simply Spanish regulations.
39:54Immigration laws, I'm sure you understand.
39:56Yes, of course.
39:56Do you know where our passports are, dear?
39:58Oh, yes.
39:59I'll just get them.
40:00Mm-hmm.
40:02Yeah.
40:02Mm-hmm.
40:05I'll take a birth, so my passport...
40:07It's all right, don't worry, I've doctored it.
40:08Oh, thank you.
40:09You've done what?
40:11It was only written in biro,
40:12so I altered the last two numbers
40:14to make it look as though you were born in 1974.
40:17Right?
40:17Don't believe me.
40:18Here they are.
40:40Well, everything seems to be in order.
40:42Sorry to have bothered you.
40:44Yes, well...
40:45Oh, Rodney, don't forget about the Junior Disco on Wednesday night.
40:48We start at 7.30.
40:50It's great fun.
40:51We have break dancing and we have spot prizes.
40:54Smash him.
40:56Cheerio.
40:56Thank you very much.
40:58Thank you now.
40:58Bye-bye.
41:04God, stone me.
41:05Listen, I reckon we ought to keep our heads down for a while, all right?
41:12I'll tell you what I'll do.
41:12I'll order some room service for us, okay?
41:14What?
41:14No, no, no.
41:15You don't have to do that.
41:17I mean, we're all right now, aren't we?
41:19Me?
41:19Why don't you, you know, go out for a little while?
41:23Hmm?
41:23Well, you know, you look like you could do with a bit of fresh air.
41:30Oh, yeah.
41:32Yeah, yeah, no, you're right.
41:33No, actually, I do feel, you know, a bit claustrophobic.
41:37Yeah.
41:38Well, I'll, um...
41:39I'll leave you two alone then, shall I?
41:41Oh, yeah.
41:50Oh, Rodney?
41:52Yeah?
41:53They're in my flight bag.
42:04He said he fell down with me.
42:07No, listen, come on.
42:10Listen, you two better go and see you later.
42:12All right?
42:12Go on, man.
42:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:14Off you go.
42:22All right?
42:23No.
42:24I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together.
42:30What?
42:31All right?
42:33Well, that's charming, that is, isn't it, mate?
42:37He's going to lose brownie points for that one.
42:40Still, seems to be enjoying himself, doesn't he?
42:43Rodney's not enjoying himself.
42:45Last night he cried.
42:46Why do you think he's carrying on with this pretense?
42:50He certainly ain't doing it for me.
42:51Because if me and Rodders have been here on our own,
42:53we've been out in that street ten minutes after landing.
42:57He's only doing this for you, sweetheart.
42:59Really?
43:00Would I lie to you?
43:02He only wants to see you having a good time.
43:05He wants to see you enjoying the sunshine.
43:06He's only trying to make you happy.
43:08So the least you can do is to put on a smile
43:10and show that your sacrifices have not been in vain.
43:13I didn't realise.
43:14No.
43:14Well, there you are.
43:16I didn't want to tell you, but, you know, you forced me out.
43:20Oh, here he is.
43:21All right.
43:22All right.
43:23I'll be back in a minute.
43:27Having fun?
43:29Groovy.
43:30Oh, you didn't get me a drink, then?
43:32What?
43:32Well, not to worry.
43:33I'll get my own.
43:34Oi.
43:34Don't get stroppy about it.
43:35Don't get stroppy.
43:36Don't get stroppy.
43:36I have a large Bacardi and coat.
43:38And an orange cordial with ice and a straw flea.
43:42Go on.
43:42I'm going to tell the truth.
43:43I don't care if they do chuck us out on the street, mate.
43:46I just don't care.
43:47That's all right.
43:48Go on.
43:48Go on.
43:48You just think of number one, eh?
43:50What about that poor man?
43:52She's having the time of her life on this holiday.
43:56We love talking about Cassandra.
43:58Yes, we are.
43:59She just told me.
44:00But last night, she told me she hated it.
44:03Said she'd rather be self-catering in Beirut.
44:05No, she's only doing that for you.
44:08Because she thinks you've got the hump because you've had to go in for these ping-pong championships
44:12and hamburger eating contests.
44:14She's only backing you up.
44:16But secretly, really, she's really enjoying herself.
44:20Well, go on.
44:20You go and ask her.
44:22I didn't like that.
44:23No, well, I didn't want to tell you.
44:24But, you know, you're forced out of me.
44:26Oh, dear.
44:26That's right.
44:28Okay.
44:29There you go.
44:30Come on.
44:30You come and ask her, then.
44:31Come on.
44:32I don't want to tell you, but I don't want to tell you, but you know, you're forced out of me.
44:35Hey.
44:37So, are you enjoying yourself?
44:40Yeah, I'm having a great time.
44:42You?
44:43Yeah, of course, mate.
44:46I guess we were staying here for a fortnight.
44:50Are you enjoying yourself, Del?
44:52Oh, you know, not bad, I suppose.
44:54I really...
44:55Oh, yeah, be with you in a minute, sweetheart.
44:58I promise to take them two girls to a nightclub.
45:01All right.
45:03I may be back late.
45:04Yeah.
45:09Rodney.
45:10Rodney, it's the finals of the breakdancing championship.
45:14Good.
45:15That's watching.
45:16Watching?
45:17No, I mean it.
45:23All right.
45:25Oh, my God.
45:26Hello.
45:28John, uh, Juan, can I have a pina collard with ice and Alka-Seltzer?
45:34Yeah.
45:35Where have you been?
45:36Sorry, dear, I've been out all night.
45:37You know, you said we was on the winning roll.
45:39Yeah.
45:40It wasn't a roll, my son.
45:41It was a bloody avalanche.
45:42I'm not with you, Rodney.
45:42Sorry.
45:43It's okay.
45:44Who?
45:44We've won.
45:44Well, what are you going on about, Rodney?
45:46We've won!
45:46What, the breakdancing contest?
45:48No, you know there's Spanish state lottery tickets you bought?
45:50Yes.
45:50Well, we've won!
45:51You're winding me out!
45:53No, look.
45:54Carmen Gove's this paper to swap the flies with, right?
45:56And Cassie did Spanish at school.
45:57She noticed the result.
45:58Look.
45:59Where?
46:00Oh.
46:01Where?
46:01Bloody hell!
46:02It's a million pesetas, Derek!
46:04A million?
46:05A million?
46:06A million?
46:06You know what this means, don't you, Rodney?
46:08We're millionaires!
46:09What have I said over the years?
46:11You've always said it!
46:11Yes, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!
46:14But it's only a million pesetas!
46:16Only?
46:17I don't care if it's pesetas, potatoes, I don't care if it's a luncheon voucher.
46:20It means we're rich!
46:21Hey!
46:22Oh, if I was a rich man, you're a...
46:25No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
46:27Hold on, hold on, hold on.
46:32Ah, we're in Spain.
46:34Am I?
46:34Yeah, well, we're foreigners.
46:36So?
46:36Well, there might be some...
46:38some Spanish law saying foreigners can't pick up Spanish kitties.
46:41Then why did the mouse send you the tickets if he knew you couldn't win?
46:44Bill, because he wanted to make more commission, didn't he?
46:46Ah, now, come on, Dale.
46:47Not even you!
46:49Oh, my God, they've got a roll.
46:51Yeah.
46:51I just know they've got a roll.
46:52Yeah.
46:53Ah!
46:53There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere.
46:55I've just had the marvellous news.
46:56Congratulations!
46:58Thanks very much.
46:58Thanks a minute.
46:59Look, just do us a favour.
47:00Just double-check that for us, will you?
47:01Yes, certainly.
47:02Um, yep, no doubt, this is the winning ticket.
47:05If you like, I'll ring the regional office of the lottery organisers and stake your claim.
47:09Yeah, we were just a bit worried we were worried like it's because we were foreigners, you see.
47:12How do you mean?
47:13Well, is there a rule that says non-nationals aren't allowed to win the lottery?
47:15I don't believe so.
47:16We sell tickets here in reception to guests from all over Europe.
47:19Well, can you check the rolls for us?
47:20Yeah, look, they're on the back there somewhere.
47:21Well, they're all written in Spanish or something.
47:23Yes, yeah.
47:24Um, it says here, non-citizens of Spain must present their passport and any necessary visa documentation
47:30with their winning ticket when making a claim.
47:33You've just won a million pesetas.
47:34Doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie, doobie.
47:42Oh, dear, oh, dear.
47:45Jeez, what's the matter, Alan?
47:47I don't quite know how to break the news.
47:49What?
47:50I'm afraid you can't claim a penny of this money, Mr Trotter.
47:53No, hold on, we got the winning ticket.
47:55Yeah.
47:55Check these numbers a hundred times.
47:57You just double-checked it yourself, haven't you?
47:59Yes, the number's correct.
48:00It's the winning ticket, all right.
48:01The problem is it's got Rodney's name on it, do you see?
48:04Under Spanish law, nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to gamble.
48:10Oh, no.
48:11But he isn't.
48:12He's over 18.
48:14Yeah.
48:15I've seen his passport.
48:16It states quite clearly he was born in 1974.
48:20No.
48:21No.
48:22I can prove it.
48:23Because I've got my student card on me.
48:24It's got my date of birth on it.
48:26Yes, and it's got an official stamp on it.
48:28Yeah.
48:28Look, listen, right.
48:30Rodney Trotter, born 2nd of November 19...
48:331974.
48:41Tiny money, bruv.
48:45God, look at the time.
48:46Do you remember, I've just got to...
48:47No, come here.
48:48No.
48:48Come here.
48:48Come here.
48:49No, come here.
49:32Look history
49:34Sing on the beat
49:36Look history
49:38Look history
49:42Look history
49:44Look history
49:48Look history